#none of this behavior is new so it doesnt serve any purpose to me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zephyrusreturns · 7 months

Text

autigender huh.

mans went to the social meetup thing because humans need social contact and all that jazz. and people were sharing their stories and something started chewing at the back of my mind until i was most of the way home.

ive always had this sense of internal gender. its not changed over time. ive always had a box thats Me. its not What I Want To Be- its just. a part of what i am. it informs how i present myself, and how id like my body to look and function. to some extent this is affected by external stimulus- know the rules so you can break them.

mostly, its affected by how i see the rest of my self. i cant present exactly how i want to right now because i have tits, etc.

and its. my access and relationship to this box has changed over time- my level of engagement, and to some extent my ability to engage with it.

because the thing i realized, that im processing now, is that i put my parents box of what i should be before my own. for all of it. presentation, career, ALL of it.

and i could have objected, i could have put myself first. and perhaps it wouldve hurt in different ways- more fights, more pushback, feeling more like myself, more self hatred, less passivity.

but i didnt. and i dont mean this in a "oh you couldnt have you were a kid" self deprecation spiral- no, limited agency is not NO agency, despite not being FULL agency- i could have, and i didnt, and i cannot change that, and i regret it.

i regret that i didnt push back on my mothers clothing opinions, disagreeing for the sake of it. i regret that i didnt take my grandmothers offers on bday shopping trips to get myself cooler clothes i LIKED. i regret that i did not live for myself, by my own standards, that young.

so. gender. my box has never been easily defined by Boy or Girl. its not boy, or girl, or "or" or nonbinary or agender or multigender or pan or bigender or any of the niche attachments to elements or objects or creatures or ideas- except maybe autism.

i want to be seen as a man, just casually wearing a dress. but im no man. im just some guy. i only have titles if theyre funny.

my identity is made of wants- what i find desirable in the world, what i find uncomfortable, what i want for myself, what i want gone. theres no pinnacle of masculinity or femininity or androgyny i aspire to. i want to be me- but that goes beyond my gender.

my gender is top surgery and testosterone. its cool patterns and weird v-necks and button ups without stiff collars. its spinny skirts and long dresses and pockets. its backpacks and short messy hair and dying tshirts with onion peels and vinegar in the bathtub. its very specific socks and worn in shoes i havent replaced in years. its doing gymnastics and weightlifting and sprints and karate. its eating whenever i want because i like to eat, and making faces at how inconsistent sizing is everywhere. its wearing sleeves long enough to flop over my arms. its scars and contacts and chains on my glasses. its bitten down nails and unshaved legs and people using they for me by default. its speaking with my weird queer lilts and jumping around high and low intonation based on my emotional state. its mastering a smirk that makes my partner beg me to stop because its too creepy. its smearing makeup on purpose and painting rainbows and fire and snake scales out of eyeshadow and lipstick.

my gender is intimately tied to my sense of self, my sensory needs and preferences, and my... sense of indulgence, is the closest i can get.

and my relationship to that changes. do i feel safe? how safe? what do people assume about me as i am? what do i want them to think? i dont know if ill want any bottom surgeries. i think i might, but i want to see how top changes things for me first.

just. wanting to be seen as a man by default right now isnt the same as being a man.

#personal #trans ramblings #i dont know if this is coherent. but its important to me #and i wanted to share it somewhere #so now im taking a nap #and ignoring the annoying voice of my partners uncle #its likely annoying because im dehydrated but he also seems to be on his soapbox and not willing to listen to other perspectives about it #nah im rankled cuz it seems like he might be dismissing my partner over his age. stupid shit #right. naptime. i dont have to engage with his justifications and platitudes and put downs #none of this behavior is new so it doesnt serve any purpose to me

0 notes

starrspice · 4 years

Text

Rose Quartz isn't a villain

Unpopular opinion. But here we go

This is My personal two cents. This isn't ordered well its kind of all over the place.

WARNING. ITS REALLY LONG

A lot of people (especially since the movie) have been acting and bashing Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond and acting as though she's the cruelest villain in the universe.

And here's why I don't think she is the ANTAGONIST (a person who actively opposes someone or something)

And furthermore why she falls in line as a VILLAIN ( a character whose evil actions or motives are important to the plot.)

As well as a HERO (a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities)

Let's start with her thought process and behavior.

A big thing I see is people saying "HER ABUSE DOESNT JUSTIFY WHAT SHE DID SHES STILL A MONSTER" and it's true. Abuse doesn't justify terrible behavior but it does to some degree explain it. Pink diamond was abused by the other diamonds.

She was constantly punished for acting out, which she did not only for attention from the other diamonds (as she seemed to be left alone quite often ) but also to make them happy (which indicates that they usually are not) and bring the family together. Not only did she act out, but when punished, she was forced to say she's sorry and that she was wrong, for simply trying to make her family happy and feel less miserable herself.

Pink was basically trained to follow homeworlds rules and not to question anything. And was forced to live a life she hated.

Yes. A lot of what Pink did and HOW she acted is due to how she was raised by the diamonds.

Diamonds are taught that THEY are the leaders. All gems and other life forms are lower than they are. And while Pink did, in fact, realize that killing the planets was wrong that may very well be all she realized. Gems weren't made to fuse with other gems, or to rebel, or to find their own path in life. All of those were things introduced by the rebels. The only reason the diamonds are getting closer to behaving and thinking better than they used to is that they had GUIDANCE. Steven helped show them a better right and wrong. He's helped them work to become better people for 2 years. And one may argue that pink/rose had thousands of years AWAY from. her abusers to become better. But the big thing she didn't have was guidance. She didn't have anyone tell her that those things weren't ok. The gems couldn't tell her that because everything they were doing is new to them. They grew and developed as people but couldn't possibly understand a stronger sense of right and wrong since it had never been questioned before and they'd never been told anything except for "Diamonds know best so we never question them" if you listen to Rose's song love like you she REALIZES SHE WAS TERRIBLE but only because she finally had someone to show her how her way thinking was resulting in terrible behavior and causing problems. "I always thought I might be bad now I'm sure that it's true, 'cus I think you're so good and I'm nothing like you. " GREG WAS HER GUIDANCE but she realized that even if she tried to be a better person. Shell always has a bit of her old self. And she may very well think That's holding her back. But she knew that steven, someone surrounded by people better than she ever could be. And by a strong loving father to guide him and make him kind and considerate and the amazing steven we know and love.

I know a lot of friends who have dealt with abuse. And they go on to behave all kinds if different ways. But this show depicts 2 very different ways people can behave after a childhood of abuse. Pink ran off and made her own life, but didn't necessarily become better. She continued living as she had, not knowing her behavior was wrong because she had never seen anything else or been told that it was wrong. She acted how she was taught to act by homeworld, and as for the rebels, no one recognized how bad it was because they lived the exact same way. They were stuck and had trouble growing as people because they didn't know how to grow. Steven taught them. That's why pearl lives for herself now instead of rose. How Amethyst takes pride and lives with the support of her friends and family boosting her up. He taught garnet that it's ok to not know everything, and sometimes you just have to focus on what you can change rather than what you cant. He taught them that fighting doesn't always fix the problem. Pink didn't have a steven until she realized how much she truly loved Greg. How he was different from other humans because he taught her and was willing to overlook the mistakes of her past so he could help her future. Only at the end of her life did she learn that she was wrong, and selfish, and not a good person. The diamonds acted JUST like this. They all dealt with Whites abuse. And realized. They behaved wrongly. Steven showed them that. They had guidance. Yes. Some people can realize the fault in their behavior on their own. But some cant. The diamonds needed guidance to take steps towards being better. And they're still struggling to learn. But they have someone to help them. So they're trying to fix their mistakes. So yes. Pink diamond was a bad person. And she did a lot of what she did not only because of the abuse. But because of how she was taught to think. This is not to void her of fault or to excuse the things she did. But I feel like it's unfair to call her evil and cruel and heartless. EVERY SINGLE VILLAIN in steven universe has had some layer of depth of deeper reasoning for what they did. And even if you consider pink to be the real villain. The same goes for her. Evil is not inherent, just like all terrible thoughts and behavior patterns. Like racism isn't inherent, or bias or prejudice. These are behavioral traits that are TAUGHT. If a killer raises a child. That child may not think killing is wrong. Pink was raised where she was an important person who had a right to everything she wanted and her desires took priority. Once something didn't serve a purpose she was expected to get rid of it. And gems were treated like objects. They were used for walls, decorative statues. Even aquamarine said topaz was of no use to her. And was prepared to get rid of her. we know this is wrong but they don't. Not all of them anyway. Even the off colors thought they were in the wrong for being themselves. It's not as if she did all of this because she wanted to hurt those around her. She did everything how she did because she was taught to think that way or behave that way. We become the people we are through nature AND nurture. But one can have more sway on someone depending on their upbringing. Abd abusive upbringing like pink endured is bound to drill homeworlds ideals into her head that much more. Especially since she tried to go against the grain and was punished constantly for trying to save things and be better.

And a lot of complaints I see is that "if she tried to explain her feelings to the diamonds none of this would happen" but everyone seems to forget. SHE DID TRY. In the episode where ruby and sapphire split and pearl explains everything she shows that pink diamond DID try. But was scolded for it. And was ignored. Just like how white ignored blue and yellow. She used all her authority but it meant nothing. She felt trapped and took an out. She tried to make a change. It started a spark that leads to a rebellion. Gems thinking for themselves. Being themselves. She did do good things. She tried to leave as much good as she had. But she didn't really know good and bad. She is still responsible for her failures and actions. But it's so so SO wrong to just slap a label on her calling her pure evil like she WANTED to do all that damage. Its the same as calling someone a hero despite any terrible things in their past that may have lead up to that. It's fine to classify her as an antagonist because yes. She caused problems for the main character and everyone around them. But it's not ok to ignore the meanings and cause behind it. We all knew pink/rose wasn’t A good person. But it's not ok to belittle her and act like her suffering and upbringing played no part.

It just upsets me when people ignore the history of someone. And I repeat THAT DOESN’T EXCUSE HER ACTIONS but that doesn't mean its ok to label someone based on their mistakes. No. Rose isn't a good person. She didn't know how to be. But that doesn't mean shes a cruel villainess. It means she was hurt early on and never fully recovered.

People who come from abuse can rise higher than their oast and tey to be better. And sometimes they can get stuck in their past and never learn from it. But that doesn't mean it's from a lack of wanting to be better. They may just not know-how.

This explains pinks behavior. And why she isn't an ANTAGONIST. She wasn't ACTIVELY trying to harm anyone or ruin anything. She even REFUSED TO SHATTER GEMS. She had a semblance of right and wrong and what was too far, but that's as far as it went. Additionally, by the time the show takes place, Pink is gone and can no longer actively do anything against steven or the crystal gems.

So. My thoughts on Pink/Rose

Not a good person and not justified in her actions, but came off the bedside of an abusive childhood and was never taught better. Just because she's done a lot of bad things doesn't mean bashing her is ok. Try and think of it like real life. Not everyone becomes better after abuse. And not everyone has the influences and tools needed to become better after abuse. We learn right and wrong from the people around us, so what if no one around us knows proper right and wrong?

Not looking to argue and you can reply with your thoughts if you want. But that doesn't really mean ill respond (im sure ill be flooded with people telling me why I'm wrong lol)

I would go on but I feel like this is too long already

86 notes · View notes