#nah im rankled cuz it seems like he might be dismissing my partner over his age. stupid shit

[zephyrusreturns]

autigender huh.

mans went to the social meetup thing because humans need social contact and all that jazz. and people were sharing their stories and something started chewing at the back of my mind until i was most of the way home.

ive always had this sense of internal gender. its not changed over time. ive always had a box thats Me. its not What I Want To Be- its just. a part of what i am. it informs how i present myself, and how id like my body to look and function. to some extent this is affected by external stimulus- know the rules so you can break them.

mostly, its affected by how i see the rest of my self. i cant present exactly how i want to right now because i have tits, etc.

and its. my access and relationship to this box has changed over time- my level of engagement, and to some extent my ability to engage with it.

because the thing i realized, that im processing now, is that i put my parents box of what i should be before my own. for all of it. presentation, career, ALL of it.

and i could have objected, i could have put myself first. and perhaps it wouldve hurt in different ways- more fights, more pushback, feeling more like myself, more self hatred, less passivity.

but i didnt. and i dont mean this in a "oh you couldnt have you were a kid" self deprecation spiral- no, limited agency is not NO agency, despite not being FULL agency- i could have, and i didnt, and i cannot change that, and i regret it.

i regret that i didnt push back on my mothers clothing opinions, disagreeing for the sake of it. i regret that i didnt take my grandmothers offers on bday shopping trips to get myself cooler clothes i LIKED. i regret that i did not live for myself, by my own standards, that young.

so. gender. my box has never been easily defined by Boy or Girl. its not boy, or girl, or "or" or nonbinary or agender or multigender or pan or bigender or any of the niche attachments to elements or objects or creatures or ideas- except maybe autism.

i want to be seen as a man, just casually wearing a dress. but im no man. im just some guy. i only have titles if theyre funny.

my identity is made of wants- what i find desirable in the world, what i find uncomfortable, what i want for myself, what i want gone. theres no pinnacle of masculinity or femininity or androgyny i aspire to. i want to be me- but that goes beyond my gender.

my gender is top surgery and testosterone. its cool patterns and weird v-necks and button ups without stiff collars. its spinny skirts and long dresses and pockets. its backpacks and short messy hair and dying tshirts with onion peels and vinegar in the bathtub. its very specific socks and worn in shoes i havent replaced in years. its doing gymnastics and weightlifting and sprints and karate. its eating whenever i want because i like to eat, and making faces at how inconsistent sizing is everywhere. its wearing sleeves long enough to flop over my arms. its scars and contacts and chains on my glasses. its bitten down nails and unshaved legs and people using they for me by default. its speaking with my weird queer lilts and jumping around high and low intonation based on my emotional state. its mastering a smirk that makes my partner beg me to stop because its too creepy. its smearing makeup on purpose and painting rainbows and fire and snake scales out of eyeshadow and lipstick.

my gender is intimately tied to my sense of self, my sensory needs and preferences, and my... sense of indulgence, is the closest i can get.

and my relationship to that changes. do i feel safe? how safe? what do people assume about me as i am? what do i want them to think? i dont know if ill want any bottom surgeries. i think i might, but i want to see how top changes things for me first.

just. wanting to be seen as a man by default right now isnt the same as being a man.

#personal #trans ramblings #i dont know if this is coherent. but its important to me #and i wanted to share it somewhere #so now im taking a nap #and ignoring the annoying voice of my partners uncle #its likely annoying because im dehydrated but he also seems to be on his soapbox and not willing to listen to other perspectives about it #nah im rankled cuz it seems like he might be dismissing my partner over his age. stupid shit #right. naptime. i dont have to engage with his justifications and platitudes and put downs #none of this behavior is new so it doesnt serve any purpose to me