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aiden-gd · 2 years

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Split

I grew up in a village/town where there's a big main road, actually it was a national highway , in front of my house and with green paddy fields and mountains at the back of it. There wasn't enough electricity that time to fulfill our needs, so a generator was always necessary to suffice the load at nights. I even remember reading for exams with a candle lit room, and surviving the hottest days with my hands dipped inside a bucket full of water. I was 8 years old, when I realized that I love music and that I love to sing, that it doesn't matter what words they were actually in the song, but "Love story" by Taylor Swift, still doesn't make any sense in the way I used to sing. I started listening to more songs regardless of the genre, bc I loved each and every one of it as long as they had a tune. My music taste went from Taylor Swift to Cradle of Filth, Enya to My Chemical Romance, and One Republic to Mazzy Star, and the list goes on. I remember holding onto one of my sister's idea of naming cats after artists, bc pretty Mazzy was named after the "Fade into you" singer..... or artist?? idk. But the idea was oddly fascinating to me, altho now there's no way I'll name my cat "Ariana" , bc it sounds very weird, at least to me.

I had a red jacket which I wore, on top of another black jersey. A black stocking, and a shorts above it. It was December, and I remember vividly how I used to carry one long stick, touch the water in the pond and admire the ripples, thinking that was Master Oogway's stick and I had acquired the "inner peace". A gang of cats followed me while I was having my special ritual, everyday, and they played around me. At times I hit the fern tree, so I can entertain my kittens with the old leaves falling down from it like confetti altho to them, it must be just some spark of weird curiosity. The smell of burning pinewood that time didn't feel like it will always bring me to that moment of life everytime I encounter it in the future. I was younger then. I practiced the scene of the then popular Thai movie "Crazy thing called love" where Nam had her glow up when she successfully threw that ceremonial stick in the march in the most beautiful way. I practiced and practiced and sometimes I stepped on one of the cat's tail while admiring my stick flying with a violet sky as background , or sometimes my stick would hit them on their head or back. I did my compensation by letting them play with my hand and leaving all their scratches as aesthetic remarks. Those moments engraved itself at the back of my head, and there's no denial for my sudden urge to go back in time to experience that again. I was a wondering soul escaping reality. If I was an actress, that role will be my favorite until the day I grow old and retire. That time's comfort still exist, now, when I listen to the songs I used to play near the water, when I successfully spin a random stick I picked up somewhere,and when ..... December knocks at my door at the end of the year, I can still feel the embrace of wind back then, my mother's voice when she called for me, my fearlessness of being alone in that field when it was so dark. My heart gently stings, I feel comfortable breathlessness, when I remember those winters I spent there with wild flowers and kittens. It won't come back again, yet I feel like that'll be the place I'll see when I give up the last beat of my heart someday.

Right now, I live in the city, away from the silence of comfort, far from the fern tree and the pond. I've had two consecutive winters of same feeling of breathlessness, yet not comfortable like it used to be bc of the sinusitis I suffer from , from all the dust that seem to choke me everytime I escape from this home. Altho I don't need candles to read nor a bucket of cold water to stay cool during summer, I feel caged into the world of reality, a flightless bird inside rails learning to give up her dream to fly bc, she was never born to fly in the first place..... The only thing that helps me survive these hot winters, is this concurrent wonderland I see when I fall asleep, a girl with a black jacket, wearing shorts and her stick, causing the ripples on the pond, and the confetti fall of the leaves with her gang of kittens following her as she sings.

"Guess I'm forever caught between two worlds Right foot rock, left foot hard place, head and heart at war I do my best between addresses Wish I were on either side of the foreign wall Always part of me missing, but no one sees a difference 'Cause I split them all"

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