#never wanna think about that shit again

[bpdohwhatajoy]

It scares the fuck out of me when someone says they like me but they genuinely don’t know me beyond a surface level and so whenever we talk I just think about how they wouldn’t like me anymore if they actually knew me

#ryan.txt #bpd #borderline personality disorder #like …… #it sucks #it’s someone I like but like #they don’t know me like #it’s so terrifying lmaaaaooooooo #so yeah I don’t think it could actually work out #which sucks bc I do genuinely like them #but idk #maybe I’m just in my head but I feel so fucked up #and like yeahhhh I don’t want them to know how fucked I am #but I also don’t wanna be with someone who doesn’t actually know me and I have to constantly hide shit about myself #been there already I’m never doing that again #feel sick to my stomach lmaaaaooooooo #fuck my ptsd is bad my brain is wigging out and self sabotaging #or is it protecting me #IDK!!!!

[dailykugisaki]

Day 127 | id in alt

They hangin out on a building fr.

#dailykugisaki #jjk #kugisaki nobara #itadori yuji #fushiguro megumi #tokyo trio #PEEP THE NAILS YALL #i had to draw Kugisaki with a watermelon sometime it's a thing of its plus i just wanted to state the obvious of where i stand again #i got into an argument with the politician major again yall #i dont wanna say anything out of context but they just said something extremely tasteless and it pissed me off a bit #thinking about the fact i watched a fucked up rose bush strangle another plant and thinking about Kugisaki like a freak #all plants can be a little weird #i enjoy drawing Kugisaki with scars. she deserves them #a friend drew Kugisaki earlier and i had never felt so much joy before. #everyday i am taken aback because i think of Kugisaki in lost beloved one movie scenes its dumb as shit #I DO NOT WANT KUGISAKI TO JUST SHOW UP OUT THE DAMN BLUE I WANT HER TO DO SOMETHING INSANE AND THEN SHOW UP #i cant elaborate because idk soul cannibalism for some reason idk ifk #Kugisaki's fit is like just a different colored fit of what i saw megan thee stallion wearing #famous people can rock shit if you find the right ones #im trying to do backgrounds more and i do refrence but what i do is called “getting references and then fucking it up” #i dont get down yall i fuck up #Nanami cameo because i just wanted to draw him looking technologically incompetent when it comes to face timing #ive just been tweaking as of late #ive been reading too much where people think Kugisaki barely knows anything due to her origin #YALL THINK SHE WOULDN'T DO A BUNCH OF SHIT OR LEARN SHIT JUST FOR FUMI??? WILDING OUT HERE #just realized why i can't do backgrounds in a certain way. its bc i dont do lineart.....

[taikanyohou]

there's an alternate reality where this vegas:

and this pete:

most definitely fuck.

#i have a scenario in my head where the bodyguard disperse to find porsche and as vegas is heading out back to main foyer area #he bumps into pete and pete just looks at him with disgust and knows vegas is Upto Some Shit and porsche disappearing is bc of him #and vegas who's already Mad does not need pete to be looking at him like that so he spits out a 'what the fuck are you staring at?' #and pete just cuts to the chase and asks vegas 'where the fuck is he i know you're upto some shit.' and vegas just smirks and says 'who?' #whilst he steps closer to him until he's trapped pete up against a wall and leans into his ear and says 'who pete?' #and pete spits back in vegas' face how 'i know you've got your eyes on him. don't think i haven't been watching your every move.' #and at first it feels like a bucket of ice water has been thrown on vegas but then he composes himself and says #'why? are you jealous?' at which pete just scoffs. and then vegas tries again and says 'or do you like what you see? the thrill of it? #eyeing me just to see what i do next?' #and pete doesnt respond. just bites the inside of his cheek. bc there is a thrill to it #but he is not gonna give vegas the satisfaction. and yet all vegas has to do is look at pete as he clenches his jaw and he gets his answer #and then vegas just rakes his eyes all over pete's body and says 'you've never looked so good'. #and pete isnt gonna get distracted by the fact that vegas of all people is telling him this. so he asks again 'where is he?' #and vegas just tuts and steps even closer and presses their bodies together and says 'fuck him. i'm talking about us. #stop being so fucking good all the time pete. doesnt it get tiring?' #and pete's trying to stay focused on the task at hand here and he knows exactly what vegas is doing as vegas carries on saying #'don't you wanna be bad sometimes pete? what if i let you be that with me? no one has to know.' #and the invitation sounds so tempting. the prospect of it. that he should be with kinn doing his job but instead he's fucking his cousin #and just being the centre of attention for once. being vegas' centre of attention .... it makes pete's toes curl. #and vegas glances down at pete's mouth that's fallen slightly open. and its so pretty. so pretty that he has to touch it. and as he does #pete opens his mouth wider and vegas runs his thumb along pete's entire bottom lip. and he can feel pete breathing hard. #'you want this.' vegas says. 'look how you open up your mouth for me so pretty to have more.' #and now vegas is calling him pretty too and pete's resolve is breaking brick by brick until he moans when vegas wraps his hand around his #throat and vegas says 'i wanna taint you so bad that you'd have to wear this to cover the bruises on your neck. and the next time i see you #i'd do it all over again.' and pete asks in a barely there voice 'next time?' and vegas smirks and leans into pete's ear and says #'if its what you want. because i do. i wanna see you be bad for me. just for me. i want you to come to me only. for me only.' #and then vegas bites down on the skin there making pete clutch onto vegas' blazer and as divine as vegas looks pete wants to rip it off. #and just as he's about to do something about it vegas steps back leaving pete's arm mid air. and pete hates that. and vegas sees it all #over his face and says 'what do you say pete? you either leave with me right now or you can go back and be the good little boy they think #you are.' and vegas holds out his hand. and no one's ever treated pete like this before. so he takes it. and lets vegas take him.

[dimonds456]

thinking about freehoun so bad tonight oughhhhhhhhhhhh

#i wanna draw it so bad but i need to eat and then go to bed #like- just the idea of the rescas. barney sees gordon being dragged away and is forced to leave him #and even though he knows gordon lived- he defeated the nihlanth after all- he's still never going to see him again #the vorts say he's alive- they INSIST he's alive- but he'd still be on xen with no way to get back #and then barney just exists selflessly trying to help the resistance for 20 years #every so often he hears about gordon coming back one day and fuck he wants to believe that but he just *cant* #until he sees him at the train station #holy shit. it's him. and he hasn't aged a damn day. #barney can't even properly reunite because they would get caught and killed #so he calls issac and sends gordon on his way trying so so so hard to pokerface for the rest of his shift #when he gets back he only finds out gordon is on the run and in danger #and he cant do shit to help him #and when gordon gets to black mesa east barney isn't even there #all that- all of half life 2- and they can't properly reunite #and then the citadel explodes #man. he would ABSOLUTELY think gordon was just fucking killed then. #and when he STILL survives... just. imagine this with me. #im ill. i am so very very ill #freehoun #half life #dimond speaks

[1moreoffkeyanthem]

Actually highkey bummed that I had to stop donating plasma after that last time. Yes bc it made me feel like I was contributing to the world but also because I was getting paid to lay there and read South Park fanfiction. Now on my days off I just lay in bed reading fanfiction instead, not getting juiced or paid lmao

#literally my leisure time is spent reading fanfics writing fanfics or thinking about fanfics #because i have problems #south park #PCE plasma donation adventures #on deferral for 56 days because I’m a repeat offender with passing out and they almost called the paramedics last time #look man I’m tryna gain some weight so I can donate again but shits hard #my husband has never liked that I wanna go do that and after the last incident he was like ok you’re done for a while pls don’t do that #my flesh prison is no longer up for being a human juice box

[scopophobia-polaris]

Arn seeing Timie on the street: aw what acute lil guy sure hope he isn't tormented!

Bro absolutely messed up, wanted to be a good boy and help someone because this mirrors shit that happened to him but instead found out that Timie is filled with 10thousand problems and somehow knows Arn to a weird degree withought ever really talking to him and he cant...figure out why..... can you really meet someone in a dream?

And now poor Arnold got a little guy that wants to cling onto him when they're sad

#Arn is gonna be a cuddle buddy if he keeps up with being nice to Timie by accident #Timie is like a hissing kitten in my opion all ready to rip your fingers off until you pet them once and now theyre your best friend please #hold me NYYYYAAAAAAAAAA NYAAAAA #i just think its gonna be funny writing Arn slowly pieceing shit together over time until its jusg oh mf youre the hero of time arent you #no WONDER youre so messed up #but for right now hes just super confused about what just happened he just hugged Timie becaue it seemed like the right thing to do #and now youre bound to this dude by invoking destiny maybe we were supposed to meet again insane ass you just became #inexplicably tied to this dude and you will die all through one thing thats manifested itself as a red string of fate around both of you #congrats arn your kindness has just doomed you down the path that all dudes in Hyrule take when they get to close to the hero #(REDACTED) oh right wait thats massive plot shit thats something i dont wanna reveal #ITS NOT DEATH IT REALLY ISNT I AINT GONNA KILL HIM like forreal i killed arn once never again but its gonna be so silly goofy what his ass #just got tied up in all from just trying to help #maybe you shouldnt of been their canon event in the adult timeline being the one person they couldnt save but fucked up

[weidli]

would be very funny to me to introduce a bunch of americans who are used to the constitution being treated as a gift from god that's very hard to change and is holy Because it's almost never changed and has been in operation in nearly the same form since 1789 to the way the swiss constitution (last total revision in 1999, there have been several hundred direct democratic votes on possible changes to it since 1848, all you need to suggest a change is hundred thousand people with voting power who'll sign the suggestion) works

#i think about it every time we talk about volkainitiativen in öff. recht sorry it's So fucking funny to me #american view of the constitution is like oh this ancient unassailable thing and every change to it is earth moving #and swiss people are like ehhhhh should we put in a rule fining dog owners for not picking up dog poop in public parks? #what do you think guys? show of hands please #i'm not saying one way of doing things is inherently Better (there's some fucked shit in the swiss constitution Because the voting #population can do whatever with it (ius cogens aside) see for example 72/3 minarettverbot or all the bullshit around 121a) it's just #very interesting to me #i also think it's fun when i read works of fiction #often fanfic #that take place in alternate universes idk scifi sentinel/guide fantasy whatever introduction of magic you wanna do #that results in the author making up a legal system including a constitution #and it's just Very Obvious that the author's never encountered a different concept of thought around constitutions than the american one #again not bad necessarily! but fascinating to me #iuris

[dykeinthedark]

venting in tags about gender n shit (long as hell) (u can comment and talk 2 me as always :3)

#okay so i got a really masc haircut about a month ago and i know it's just a haircut but holy shit has it changed EVERYTHING for me #like.... i've always leaned masc except 1) before i came out 2) when i was actively in love with someone who i knew liked femmes #and they always described me as a fem. because that's what i showed her. because i wanted to be with her. #but lowkey whenever i'm in a not-impressing-anyone raw-dogging-life-no-crush era i always resort to a very masc style #like masc being my default and i'd only lean fem to impress people whether it's for love or peer pressure in a specific setting #like ''dressing up'' has always been a form of drag to me. like something i HAD to do to fit in or impress my parents (scott favor core) #but ever since this haircut i've realized... i could just BE masc innately like i really don't have to be womanly if i don't want to #which i usually don't. again i have only ever dressed fem for other people. but it's not even being masc that attracts me on its own #it's like. being masc in a distinctly lesbian way. as in whenever i look in the mirror i don't wanna be like a Guy i wanna be a dyke. #like lesbian as a gender identity too sort of thing honestly. okay i've been waffling but basically i sort of want to call myself butch #but i don't know if i like... can?? if i'm allowed to??? #everyone always says it's MORE than just wearing boy clothes and not wearing makeup and having short hair (which i already do all those) #i mean i've always id'd as genderqueer because it literally just means gender weird and i experience gender in a queer way #what's probably the most telling is that my friends (all queer) CALL me a butch lesbian #like every time they do i feel really internally validated. it's not just my clothes but my personality too ig is what people tell me #i have a higher pitched voice relatively speaking but apparently the way i talk is quote ''very clockably into women'' #which?? gender euphoria asf. my best friend specifically he (gay trans guy) always uses butch to describe me very intuitively #people have also noticed that i ''transitioned'' in all aspects except hormonally. like ppl have commented and noticed my masculinzation #but at the same time i always feel rly haunted by my ex relationships because one wanted me to be more masc #(she's the one who came out as straight and would treat me like a man) which i didn't like and i didn't like playing up being fem either #bc now it feels like she (butch) won't believe me if i called myself butch too bc she remembers me being femme #idk i feel like there's her voice in my head all the time that sees everything i do through her eyes (i'm lowkey still in love) #i feel like even though this comes so naturally to me i must be putting on a performance #even though i've actually read stone butch blues and done research into the history and i truly love and id with the culture like i rly do #that im still just a sad imitation of a butch lesbian and can never really be a part of it because i used to enjoy dressing up sometimes #like it's so stupid but can i still be butch if i wore a dress to prom and i think i looked good in it?? #even though i was envious of my friends who wore suits?? that i used to try goth makeup?? that i liked long dresses?? #that i enjoyed stacked necklaces and rings on every finger??? #and tbh ALL OF THAT CAME FROM A CONCIOUS EFFORT TO FEMINIZE MYSELF IN JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16 #because omfg it was 2 months before junior prom and i was worried that i was too masc and wanted to get comfortable with being fem

[waspgrave]

If you let your cat outside then that’s a free cat for me

#prawn posts #stop letting your cat outside ❤️❤️ it’s a little murder machine and a snack for bigger animals #there are no outdoor cats where I live! wanna know why? coyotes everywhere #I know this bc the people I grew up with as a child let out 2 of my cats growing up and I never saw them again #and it’s still so upsetting to think about but REALLY STOP PUTTING YOUR CAT OUTSIDE #anyways hoping every cat with a bad owner that lets them outside finds a better home #if their owner doesn’t figure their shit out #rip phoebe and Ollie :(

[glitterock]

this girl i’m seeing wants me SOOOOO bad and she is pretending she doesn’t but she is trying to uhaul me so hard it’s adorable

#girl has asked me to hang out 3 times this week and was just over 2 nights in a row #and it’s soooo obvious she was not expecting to like me #she told me the other day that she’s mad she likes me as much as she does #and while she was fucking me yesterday told me she doesn’t want anyone to touch me or look at me the way she does #like awwwww ur so cute for falling for me like ur under some sort of spell #she’ll always be like #oh you don’t wanna listen? i’ll stop talking to you ill never talk to you again #and then 5 seconds later will be up my ass #and she thinks she’s this tough stud who is above liking me but like i can see RIGHT through that shit she is SMITTEN #and it’s fucking terrifying but also? nice? #not too sure what to do about it but like this feels different

[hazmatazz]

realizing how much physical affection means to me literally. like i always get that as my #1 love language for every fun test i do but oh my god they're right. i don't get enough physical affection or i don't get people saying they're giving me physical affection when they can't and suddenly i'm staying up that everyone hates me

#logically i understand my best friend loves me but oh my god. we haven't hugged in a week. what if he never cares to see me again #or like . i understand my guy probably likes me but haven't been told i'm getting affection in a while . my affection has been rejected. . #so . ugh. just need a fucking hug dude #i wanna ask my friend for niceys rn but it's 3 am so she's probably asleep and also . :( what if he doesn't like me #(<- guy who's been friends with it for years) #like . i wish i could tell someone like “hey give them reassurance rn” without.... asking for that #like i'd post “need someone to be niceys to me rn” because that's usually the most i can do to communicate that but he rarely is on tumblr #and what? do i send this post to my friend? no wtf #this happens with like. everyone close to me btw. i just care a lot about my best friend #so just. ugh. gonna try and sleep now. i'm getting a hug from him tomorrow #i really hope he plans something with me...i think that's all i need reassurance wise #i don't plan shit with people because what if they don't wanna be around me? but when ppl plan shit with me? YEAH . <3 #godddddd #🤞 please invite me to something soon i miss you and i feel like you hate me for no reason but that i'm sad always

[davidtennantpussytulpa]

seeing how your skinny pretty friends get treated in comparison to you during high school is one thing but seeing that in adulthood when youre going out to bars?? well thats just suicide inducing

#in high school its like i really dont give a shit i didnt really wanna date anyways plus you knew everyone well so a lot of it #was personality based too #but my first few trips to bars were with my brother and our other guy friend and i was NEVER approached #which again. i dont really want that anyways. but to be out with the pretty girls in my lab and see SOOO many men come up to them is like. 😐 #it feels so stupid to be annoyed about bc like. i dont even really want strangers coming up to me anyways plus a lot of times its really #pushy. but i have gotten to the point of being mostly body neutral about myself like i dont really think abt it that much #but it reminds me that oh yeah im fat and have a plain face and therefore i will always be treated as secondary to strangers #whateverrrrrr. i hate it hereeee

[no1ryomafan]

hate ever since I finished giant robo yesterday my train of thought hasn’t been a critical analysis of what I consumed despite acknowledging both the show’s strengths and weaknesses and instead going back to my Imagawa Armageddon drama conspiracy board and going “okay no way in fuck he didn’t have Kei as Genki planned after the fucking family drama plot line in giant robo being similar to what we got in arma and it’s likely that the team got away with this idea after he left because they might’ve been in production for ep 4 but had to rewrite it and the show after onwards to fit the new direction”

or in simpler terms my brain activates “how do I make this about getter robo”

#meg text #mecha rambles #getter robo #giant robo ova #I think I ranted about this on here before so I won’t rant about it in the tags again but GOD #it didn’t help I found out genya was voiced by gos va too (fucking seki is in everything ever) #I’m now slightly convinced the reason imagawa even made their hair green was to reference genya and ginrei #originally I thought he based at least gos hair off of one manga cover ishikawa did for the manga but this seems more likely #I never even seen anyone mention the fact genkis hair was always green- or the fact how his va was always keis #And given she also voiced ALLENBY prior I don’t think imagawa would wanna waste a talent like that in a child who hardly speaks #also just remembering how the show of giant robo we got was somehow the 6 part out of 7 and needs 5 other parts for context #and how the end teases the last part even if it still is conclusive it just as my friend put it “apart of a anime that doesn’t exist” #and people thought the moon war stuff was complicated 💀 (still nice to have the context but- at least it would just need to be ONE show) #Oh and I heard genya and ginrei were completely original characters he made so that’s how he could’ve gotten away with it #next to it being a reference #tldr will never know the full context of the arma staff drama but Im now convinced Kei as genki was always planned #and likely the show we would’ve gotten would only be different in tone the hayato shit being address and way way more convoluted

[persimmontartkisses]

Me, in a conversation: What's going on in Gaza is genocide and objectively abhorrent.

Them: Well, ya know the Palestinians *random bullshit justifications for the slaughter of thousands of innocent people*

Me:

#the cons of living in the bible belt #like i already think of every organized religion as a cult #thats so 'sanctity of life' of you #good to know youre cool with mass murder so long as its the enemies of your big guy in the sky #like idk how to tell you this but people tend to just be people #and jesus was brown but i guess you probably dont wanna think about that #its an entire can of worms that i dont have the mental power to sift through #i dont understand how some of the people over here can be so hoity toity on their high horses about their faith and race #then go on to hold such loyalty to a country that gives no shits about them #if theres a higher power i think it would be displeased #if i was the higher power id be pissed to have people killing other people in my name #in my eyes they constantly do their god a disservice #gaza #palestine #free gaza #im not saying that what ive got is even a good take #i admit im not the most well informed on most situations regarding this whole thing #BUT i think human life is important and special in of itself and that its wrong to take that life in most cases #after the Holocaust we said never again yet here we are doing it for the thousandth time #history does always repeat itself #this also isnt to say that youre a bad person if youre practicing some religion #you do you #religion and spirituality are separate for me and religion isn't really my cup of tea any more

[starlooove]

Fuck WFA and all but those panels with Lucius would’ve been a GREAT moment to mention Orpheus 💔

#in case y’all didn’t know he became a vigilante in order to inspire black children #like he literally says that it’s important for ppl to see others that look like them doing the work too #then he got killed by black mask to cause Steph and Bruce trauma 🙃 #and was never mentioned again #I already said it would’ve been fun if Duke at least heard of him #but with this thing about Lucius being scared for Luke #I think mentioning Orpheus specifically not just because he died but because he was basically forgotten by the bats #i think that could be great #but too many of y’all would get so sensitive about what that implies for ur faves sooooo #anyways 🙃 #would be nice if someone took up Orpheus as a mantle #that’s not genuine for story purposes I just wanna see it #what IS genuine for story purposes is at least a shoutout like damn #further proof WFA writers don’t read SHIT tho #especially after that steph reading list yuck #if WFA had black writers #well first of all every black character wouldn’t have the same hairstyle #yknow what let’s leave it there #bc if WFA had black writers Duke wouldn’t be like that anyways sad #so sick of stripping black characters of their personalities to further white characters #tbh actually WFA don’t touch Orpheus it’s fine y’all wouldn’t like him anyways

[adustoflove]

I love watching bpd gals on tik tok but it feels so unrelatable. Like you have enough money and resources to just constantly be in and out of mental hospitals then travel to 100 different countries and come home to your mansion 😭 why does EVERYTHING on tik tok feel unrelatable. Like how are you eating like this everyday? I only work 2 days a week but when I do work I am not attempting to make full planned healthy meals. If it fits in my mouth it goes in it

#personal #I need a high functioning bpd gal to watch or something #where are the gals who have never been to a mental hospital but are constantly going insane and wishing they were #but holding it all together with a paperclip because being percieved in a negative light makes their skin crawl #like if I could cut myself I'd have probably done it a few times but I live in fl with my grandma #I'd rather fucking DIE then have to explain myself about it. like actually . I don't have time to be a fuck up #but I wanna be a fuck up 😭 I wanna do drugs and slit my wrists and down a whole bottle of pills #I flirt with the idea of going absolutely bat shit insane. then I realize I will be percieved about it and die again on the inside #I don't see enough bpd rep where there's people genuinely barely holding it together behind the scenes while everyone thinks they're doing #great #I CONSTANTLY fool everyone #I told my friend the cuts on my arm were cat scratches and she was like yeah I figured you're not the kinda person who does that #yeah Youre so right 🩷