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whenwordsmakesense · 3 years

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Day 6: Realisation | Day 5: Cake

@pridewrite2021

Here’s my masterlist for this event if you want to check this out <3

Spoiled

Fandom: Teen Wolf

Ships: Peter Hale × Chris Argent | Derek Hale × Stiles Stilinski

Words: 2k

Summary: Chris is a hunter. An Argent. His sister burned down his entire family—Peter shouldn't care for him.

And he doesn't.

He doesn't care for the hunter with sharp, calculating eyes, the ex-husband of another hunter and a father to a hunter-in-training, never mind mind that two of them are pack-adjacent.

He cares for the young boy with the soft, clear blue eyes, mind filled with all the ways to ensure peace between hunters and the supernaturals, conscience free of guilt he shouldn't have but does.

Peter is still in love with his best friend from his childhood—the Chris that'd been nothing but another boy in his class, someone who knew the truth about who he was and had matched and mended and marched into Peter's soul, his heart.

Can be read on AO3 or here.

Warnings: Swearing, innuendos.

>> Starts from here.

The wound on Chris' side is glaringly purple, mocking him, and it's taking every ounce of control in Peter to not crowd the human against the counter of the Argent's kitchen and just do the goddamn dressing himself. Is it really that hard to dress wounds? Peter doesn't know, because he's a healthy, alive werewolf who heals in seconds, unlike Chris, who is human and still decided to jump in front of him to prevent Peter getting shot—and it wasn't even wolfsbane.

Peter could smell. Rather, he couldn't. Which was really naive of the hunters—kids, really—and now he has to suffer through this.

“You can go.” Peter snaps his eyes up, and into Chris' mess of a hair. It's worse than Scott's shaggy hair that he had last year.

“But I am enjoying the show,” Peter says easily. It's not a complete lie. Chris is fine. A total DILF if there ever was one. But right now both his wolf and his hea—mind are more focused on not losing control. He hates that the human got hurt, and now he can't even tease his nephew about the same. That's a shame. And Stiles bruises so easily, too. That boy should really just spell himself to be not clumsy, it would give Derek another ten or twenty years before he gets grey hairs.

“You can enjoy it with Melissa. I don't need a babysitter, Peter.”

The sudden anger that's emanating from Chris finally pulls his thin mockery of control away, letting his unsheathed claws be exposed to the keen eyes of the veteran hunter, who straightens immediately at the sight.

Chris is a hunter. An Argent. His sister burned down his entire family—Peter shouldn't care for him.

And he doesn't.

He doesn't care for the hunter with sharp, calculating eyes, the ex-husband of another hunter and a father to a hunter-in-training, never mind mind that two of them are pack-adjacent.

He cares for the young boy with the soft, clear blue eyes, mind filled with all the ways to ensure peace between hunters and the supernaturals, conscience free of guilt he shouldn't have but does.

He can't be here.

“Maybe I'll go and bother Melissa, then.” He says sharply, and Chris nods, sharp and precise.

Peter hates seeing Chris hurt. Especially for him. But Chris has hurt much, much deeper than that bullet could have ever done and yet... He loves him.

***

“I love you,” Chris says, and Peter stops breathing. He chances a glance at the other boy, who looks so earnest and just a little nervous, the basketball in his hand twirling without any real effort.

“Like—like a friend?” He asks, because he isn't supposed to have good things. He might have realised he's in love with his best friend weeks ago, but his life isn't a fairy-tale. The two of them can never be together. It will only end in blood and death.

And Peter would rather have Chris alive and hating him than dead.

He can't see Chris dead. That would be a fate worse than death.

***

The meeting—that's supposed to be a pack meeting about progress on the unhinged witch—ends up being a movie night. Stiles corrals everyone into staying, even if the Sheriff and Melissa leave halfway through because of their demanding jobs. Chris itches to leave, too, and it's more than just not being the only other adult—as much as Derek is the Alpha, he's still a kid—than Peter, who has been inconspicuously absent from his house since that day two weeks ago, when he'd told the 'wolf to leave in anger.

Anger he didn't know he could still feel. He'd believed he was long past that. But apparently not.

And he now has a bullet hole on his side to remind him.

As Chris watches Allison slink closer and closer to Scott, he sees his excuse.

“Stiles, I know pack bonding is important, but I'd rather be home than watch my daughter and her not-boyfriend being all snuggly.”

Scott, who'd been sipping on his glass of coke, chokes, and Allison blushes furiously. Chris feels pride in the fact that his daughter can easily take down people twice her size whenever she wants, and still be the same adorable little girl she's been since birth.

“Uh,” Stiles, and the others, seem to be half-mortified and half-amused at his jab at Scott and Allison's relationship, which is worse than Ross and Rachel's arc on friends, and just as that thought pops in his head, he searches out Peter in the crowd of a now laughing teens. The moment he does, he can see the mirth in those blue eyes he'd once spent ages trying to dive into.

It feels like the old days when they share the small smile, remember the study sessions turned F.R.I.E.N.D.S. binge, and just like that, the moment is broken.

Peter isn't the same anymore.

He isn't the same anymore.

His sister—she killed Peter's family. And Peter had played dolls with her, more than once.

He feels tears threating his eyes, and because this is a pack of wolves, they immediately catch on to the change in atmosphere. Even the non-wolves pick up on it fast.

“I—I need to go.” He says, voice broken.

He's remembering the last time he and Peter had been together, in their room, his basketball in hand and arguing over theories of how the show could complicate Ross and Rachel's lives more.

He leaves without a second glance.

Derek follows him down to his car, where he's only just reached the handle, and says, “He still loves you, you know.”

Chris shakes his head. “He never did,”

Derek's frown deepens, like he's thinking of how to explain some fundamental thing to a child. Like Peter being in love with Chris is just a fact that he's known all his life, and it's a fact that's as permanent as the Earth revolving around the Sun.

Chris doesn't know how to feel about that.

“When was the last time you saw me lose control?”

He sighs, but he knows he won't get out of this without answering. The Hales have always been stubborn, and Derek is no less.

“When Stiles got hurt.” Because of the lacrosse game. It wasn't even life-threatening, for a change, but Derek had, like every single other time Stiles has been hurt, gone ballistic. Chris is just glad Isaac, Boyd, Jackson and Scott all had been there to stop the poor kid—Greenburg might have been his name—from being killed.

“Peter couldn't control his beta shift two weeks ago.” Derek says, and then he's gone.

Chris frowns after him, remembers seeing the claws that day when Peter had followed him home, and remembers feeling as if Peter lost control because of him.

Like he used to think when they were young. When he thought that Peter was falling for him just like he was falling for Peter.

Maybe he wasn't wrong about that.

Just maybe, Peter did fall for him.

***

Stiles finds Derek in his bedroom, just like he has for the past six months. Ever since Peter and Chris got together—after being in love for decades, and hadn't that been a shock for everyone—the loft is apparently “bad for my nose and my brain,” according to Derek.

They settle in their casual rhythm of banters and snark and sass as he completes his homework and Derek reads the latest book that has caught his interest, and it's hours before either of them moves.

From the corner of his eye, Stiles sees Derek perk up, the way all the 'wolves do when they smell someone coming. Stiles finds it adorable on everyone, and whenever he catches Derek doing it his heart just triples its beat at the cuteness of it all.

He's falling for the older man and he doesn't know what to do. Especially when everyone in the pack—including his dad and Melissa who have each other—have found someone to be with. They've literally all coupled up, even Isaac—Cora literally... No, that's Peter... Cora metaphorically came back to life just to couple up with Isaac—which, by default, leaves him with Derek.

It's not all bad, he gets to be with Derek more times than not, and he enjoys their time together, but it's also... Hard. Being so close yet so far.

He can't believe Peter and Chris lasted so many years without dying of heartbreak.

“Peter and Chris.” Derek informs him.

“I thought they were having—”

“Don't!” Derek puts his hands on top his ears, and it's just. So. Adorable. Stiles can't help but laugh, even though he knows he's just digging himself a bigger grave.

And then five minutes later, Peter, Chris, him and Derek are sitting on the dining table looking at two cake boxes.

Stiles is confused. So is Derek.

“What?” He asks, because what?

Peter grins, one hand pushing the white box towards Derek, while the other rests on Chris' shoulders.

Chris pushes the other box towards him.

“Just open it.” Chris instructs. Stiles shares a look with Derek.

“It's cake,” he says, and then opens his black box.

And freezes.

Peter looks at his cake. “Oh, this one is for Derek.” Before Stiles can make his hands grab the box, Derek is peering down at it, too.

Stiles wishes to be killed by the damn gnomes. Where are the supernatural problems when you need them? Fuck his life.

“Uh...” is all Derek says as he reads what's written on the cake.

It says, “Stiles loves you, nephew.”

Stiles buries his head in his hands.

Chris pushes supposedly Stiles' cake towards him. “Open it,” he urges, softly.

Stiles chuckles hollowly. “That one has my real name?” He wouldn't put it past Peter. Especially since last week he'd pranked the 'wolf with the old shaving cream trick.

Dude looked funny with the white beard. Also, it's really easy to get a jump on post-sexy times sleeping Peter Hale.

Chris just pries open his fingers from his eyes and shoves the open box in his face.

This cake says, “Derek loves you, little Red.”

“Uh...” is Stiles' response to that.

“Now, we'll be off. Do us a favor and get rid of the UST.”

Peter saunters off, Chris in tow, who is giggling softly.

“Noah has a double-shift,” the hunter adds, and Stiles' immediate reaction is to shout at Peter.

“You've spoiled him!”

Derek thinks this is his chance to strike, because he comes in Stiles' field of vision with a small, shy smile. His shoulders look far more relaxed than he's ever seen them, like a big weight just got lifted from them.

“If you want, you can be spoiled too.” He says seriously. Stiles loses it.

“Oh, buddy, if you think that... You need to be taught a couple things, honeybuns. I'm the Alpha in this relationship.” It's true, too. Everyone has called them out on it. And that's when they're just friends.

Derek sighs, resigned. “Don't call me that,”

Stiles just grins and hugs Derek tight.

Who knew the realizations of two middle-aged men and their craptastic schemes with cakes would give him a truly, completely happy Derek Hale, laughing the most freely that Stiles has heard from the Alpha in the two years that he's known him?

Not Stiles, that's for sure.

#pridewrite2021 #petopher #sterek #day 5: cake #day 6: realisation #my fic #whenwordsmakesense #peter hale #chris argent #stiles stilinski #derek hale #alternate universe - canon divergence

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anika-222 · 4 years

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Carry On Sparks: Drive Slow

Deep breath. I’m glad I’m posting this at 2am, otherwise I might not be brave enough to do so. This is my first attempt at writing fanfic, and I haven’t written any fiction since high school. Which was like 20 years ago for me. So. Be kind, please. :)

My contribution to @carryonsparks for the prompt Slow is inspired by the song Drive Slow (which I discovered via this fandom, thank you @thehoneyedhufflepuff)

Drive Slow

Baz

The sun went down hours ago, about the time that Bunce’s university mates left, and now we’re heading to the door of her and Shepard’s flat for the final round of goodbyes. I’m reaching my arm into my slate grey overcoat as I hear Snow laugh - again - at something Shepard’s said. Did he ever laugh this much when we were together? I push the thought away. Otherwise, a flood of memories of Snow breaking up with me last April are sure to replay in my mind. In slow motion, no less. It simply wouldn’t be my brain if it didn’t go for the lowest blow, drawing out that pain for as long as possible. When I arrived for Bunce’s birthday dinner, I walked into her flat to see Snow looking relaxed and smiling, chatting with Bunce’s school mates. It took every ounce of practiced vampiric stoicism to push down Snow’s last words to me. I can’t let them bubble up now, not when we’re about to be alone for the first time in months. I button up my coat, willing my face into a cool, calm indifference as I turn and ask, “Ready, Snow?”

Much to my own disappointment, I practically tripped over myself to offer Snow a lift home when mentioned the last bus was heading out a couple hours ago. I’d do anything for more time in his warmth, I’d thought. But what I’d said out loud was some drivel about him staying longer for his best mate’s birthday or some such rot. It must have worked; he accepted after only a few awkward beats while he considered my offer. I had exhaled a breath I hadn’t even known I’d been holding in.

Snow’s wrapping his arms around Bunce in a massive hug, like only he can. “Happy Birthday, Pen. Love you.”

“Love you, too, Simon.” Bunce leans into his warmth and a lick of jealousy rises from deep in my belly. After what feels like minutes, she releases him and Snow turns to say goodbye to Shepard. Shepard had quickly become part of the team with his unique knowledge set, he knew the kinds of things simply not talked about in the world of mages. His obscure creature dossier had gotten us out of dozens of tight scrapes since America, much to the surprise of all of us.

But perhaps even more surprising was how quickly Bunce and Shepard had gone from reluctant allies to dating to moving in together. I suppose facing death again and again together bonds some people. As soon as Bunce and Snow’s lease came up for renewal, Snow offered to find his own place. Or so Bunce told me in the few instances I could glean any information about Snow from her. She did her best to keep our friendship separate from what had happened with Snow and I. Though for her birthday, she asked to have dinner with all her friends together instead of separate celebrations. How could I say no when Bunce keeps only a few close friends in the first place? And anyway it had been 9 months since Snow ended things. It’s not like I hadn’t years of experience repressing my feelings for Snow while in the same room as him.

“Bunce. I hope you had a lovely birthday.” She grins at me and flings her arms around me.

“I did, Baz, thank you. I’ll see you Saturday to study?” While most of our courses are getting more specialized in our chosen majors, we always compare schedules and manage to find one course to take together. I don’t think either of us need our weekly study sessions to keep up on the material, though. It’s one of the things I look forward to every semester. This semester has been especially enjoyable in Literature of the Victorian Age. I nod at her curtly with a small smile but turn quickly to leave, trying to mask my increasing anxiety about being alone with Snow as we head out into the sharp January air.

Simon

He still drives that posh, deep blue jaguar. My heart hitches with all of the memories with him in this car. I lower myself into the passenger seat. It smells even more like Baz in here than the hints of citrus (bergamot, Baz told me once) and cedar I caught on the air each time he passed by me in Penny’s flat. It tugs at my stomach how much I’ve missed him. When he offered to drive me home, I honestly thought I might be hallucinating. But I was most definitely sober. Have been for 6 months. While I don’t think I would call myself an alcoholic exactly, I didn’t have a very healthy relationship with cider there for a while. It was a good suggestion my therapist had to take a break from drinking. It’s brought life back into sharper focus.

A focus I was cursing when Baz walked in. I knew he was going to be at Penny’s birthday, she asked me weeks ago if it was ok. But fuck if he doesn’t just get more and more fit. I would have given anything to break my focus from Baz, standing there, torturing me in his jeans. He had to have known what he was doing when he selected those trousers for this evening. I couldn’t meet his eye the entire night, so I can’t imagine what would possess him to offer me a lift. I can’t imagine a world where Baz doesn’t hate me after I broke up with him. After everything that led up to me leaving him. I almost turned down his offer, that I’d be fine to catch the bus, but I didn’t want to make a fuss on Penny’s night.

So I stayed. Letting the tension of everything unsaid build. Now we’re alone in his car and not saying anything. Fuck, why haven’t I said anything to him all night? Maybe it wouldn’t be so awkward now. We’re sitting here, letting the silence fill up the car until I feel like I should crack a window like a pressure valve. Baz’s voice cuts through my thoughts, “Where to, Snow?”

“Right, erm, head north,” I say to get him started while I let my brain settle.

Baz

I’m panicking trying to find something to say. Snow can’t live far from Bunce. This contrived opportunity is quickly slipping away from me. He directs me to the main street with loads of shops and traffic lights at every intersection. He really must not be far if we’re not taking the motorway. I slow my speed to hover below the limit just enough that maybe he won’t notice my stalling tactic.

I force myself to say the only thing I can conjure up, even though it’s painfully banal. “Bunce mentioned you started working at a vet’s office?” I draw on every reserve I have to keep my tone casual, as if the topic came up naturally in conversation with Bunce, and it’s not one of the few bits of information I greedily horde anytime I’m desperate enough to ask after him.

I see Snow sit a bit taller in his seat just mere inches from me. I’d forgotten how heady it is to be in such close quarters with him. I can feel warmth radiating from his arm on the center console and my chest tightens. “Yeah, I really love it. ‘S mostly dogs and cats, but sometimes we get something different. A goat was in just the other day.” His voice is saccharine and quiet with fondness and a tinge of melancholy. I know he’s thinking about the goatherd, Ebb. I realize with a start how … at peace? … he sounds mentioning one of the most traumatic events of his recent past. I’m slowing to a full stop at a red light (bless these main street lights that change every minute, drawing out our drive) and I decide to risk looking over at him. His smile lights up as he meets my gaze. I feel my face soften and the corner of my mouth tilt up ever so slightly before I drag my eyes back to the light, lest I miss the change to green and show my hand.

Simon

Before I knew what I was doing, I started directing Baz the long way to my flat, through town instead of speeding up the motorway. Something deep in my brain is making a plea, drive slow, cause I don’t want to go home.

“What about you? Have you a major?” I ask, as if I don’t already know. Penny lets information about Baz slip into her long rants and raves about uni every once in a while, and I just save up those little bits and pieces of him. It’s not the same as really knowing how he’s doing, but it’s something.

Baz launches into a long explanation of which majors he’s considered and why, before settling on English Lit. It’s unsurprising, really, that he’d major in literature. I’m looking out the windshield at the dark and wet street scene crawling by while I smile, thinking about Baz being so Baz. I look at him out of the corner of my eye. This feels almost normal. We’ve never just been normal together like this before. After years of hostility, we were thrown directly into the chaos of ending the humdrum. And then… well, then I wasn’t really fully present. I didn’t know how to live without directives from the Mage. They gave me the only purpose I ever knew, the only purpose I thought I’d ever get to have. So after that was all gone, I didn’t know how to go about living life. Me not living was keeping Baz from living. I couldn’t keep holding him back. As long as I was stuck, he was going to be stuck right there with me. Loyal git. What made it harder was I couldn’t get unstuck with the pressure of Baz’s fate being tied to mine. So, there was no choice but to end us. But now... Now, we’re having a normal conversation, like just a couple of normal blokes, catching up.

If I hadn’t been on a few dates lately to know better, I would have mistaken our conversation for a kind of date-like banter. But since Penny helped me set up a profile on a dating app, I know that most first date conversations don’t make a warm blush spread across my chest and redden my cheeks. They definitely don’t make me give shoddy directions just to draw out the evening. “Take a right at the next light,” I say.

Baz

We’ve crept along mainstreet for miles now, surely Snow isn’t so dense that he doesn’t know a better route from Bunce’s by now? We’re getting closer to where the motorway exits into this neighborhood. It could have taken less than 10 minutes via motorway to get here, which is a bit suspect, honestly. Don’t question it, you got 25 minutes with Simon instead of 10, I chide myself.

As we turn, the new Italian restaurant that’s been getting rave reviews catches my attention. Even though it’s late and their dinner service must be winding down, most of the candlelit tables still have patrons. “Prima - I’ve been hearing about it everywhere. Their chef, Lucien Ngono, supposedly works wonders with his scratch pasta.” I’m looking to say anything to fill the lull in our conversation.

“Yeah, ‘s really good.” Snow remarks, off-handedly.

“You’ve been?” I try not to sound too surprised. Prima is expensive and not exactly easy to get a table with the attention they’ve been receiving. In the pause before Snow responds, reality sinks into place. Snow’s been dating. My stomach drops. What did I expect? That he would sit around, mooning after me like I’ve done him? He broke up with me, after all. Silence creeps back in and fills all the available space, wedging between Snow and me.

“I’m just up here on the left, the brown building near the end of the block.” Snow directs me. I push the stick shift into park as the car comes to a stop near the old building. The click and swish of Snow’s seat belt has me holding my breath, bracing for the pain of his imminent departure. “Baz…” His voice is quiet and tentative. I turn towards him as he shifts, struggling to turn his whole body my direction. Our eyes meet, but I drop my gaze. This is much too close to look directly into his eyes while he’s talking to me in those low, rumbled whispers. “I…”

I hold my tongue and resist the urge to insult him. Instead, I wait for him to continue.

“I’m sorry, you know. For. Well, for how distant I was.”

I huff. “Snow, I think most exes try to maintain some level of distance.”

“No, Baz. Um, that’s not…” His hand is at the back of his neck, harassing his curls there. He stops suddenly, bringing his hand down to his lap. He closes his eyes, and slowly breathes in. And out. When he opens his eyes he’s looking down at his hands instead of at me. “What I mean to say is, I’m sorry I was distant while we… when we were together.”

When we were together. His acknowledgement of our history is jarring. I don’t talk about our relationship with anyone. I certainly didn’t think I’d ever talk about me and Snow with Snow, of all people. I open my mouth, hoping I’ll find something, anything, I can say, but no words form. My mounting embarrassment is luckily interrupted by this gorgeous numpty looking back up at me, meeting my eyes. I can’t tear my gaze away this time. I can’t believe I’m watching Simon Snow make amends about the disaster that was our relationship.

“Would you want to get coffee sometime?” His voice is low and warm and full of hope and drawing me nearer to him. I’m leaning closer as he continues rattling on. “We could go to the shop you like, the one that makes your drink just like you like, whatsit, a pumpkin bravo something?” I want to close the short distance between us, but Simon’s eyes flick down to my mouth and back up, and I’m flooded with memories of every kiss of mine he’s pulled away from, every moment of passion he’s stopped short, and I can’t move any closer.

Simon

Baz is leaning across the console and I’m babbling nonsense about coffee drinks. My eyes drop to his lips and my heart squeezes in my chest. There was a time when kissing Baz and being kissed by Baz were two very different things. Back then, when I was the one doing the kissing, it was like sprinting passionately into a fight, greeting it head on. It filled me with a sense of power, of strength. But being kissed was something else entirely. It felt like losing control, being caught off guard; it felt like losing ground in a fight.

But this isn’t any of that. Baz is leaning in and the pull to meet him in the middle is washing through my body. I shift closer to him, leaning across the center console, giving him the permission he needs to press his lips to mine. I feel the rush of letting Baz lead our kiss, fear and excitement truly feel quite similar, don’t they?, and then Baz is tentatively licking a small stripe on my lower lip. I part my lips and before I know it, Baz’s hand is around the back of my neck, pulling me deeper into our kiss, pushing his tongue into my mouth and then drawing my tongue forward as he retreats. My hand reaches up and cards through his hair, grazing past his shoulder and skimming down the side of his body, coming to rest in the notch just above his hip. The warmth that started at the center of my chest shifts lower and I know I need to pull this back before I get carried away. I want to take this second chance with Baz slow, I want to rebuild our trust in each other first. It takes everything I have to pull myself away from Baz, from Baz’s pinkened lips. I pull a couple sharp gulps of air into my lungs, trying to catch my breath.

“So, coffee? Sunday?” I say between the rising and falling of our chests. I look hopefully at Baz. There’s a beautiful blush across his cheeks.

His lips quirk to the side. “Yes, Sunday would be lovely, Simon.”

Baz

Simon is grinning like it’s the first roast beef dinner of the year at Watford, and there’s sour cherry scones for dessert. I roll my eyes so he can’t tell how chuffed I am at his excitement. He can probably tell anyway.

“Sunday,” he repeats.

“Yes, Snow,” I retort sarcastically. “The day has been established.”

He smiles at me again. “Bye, Baz.”

“Goodbye, Simon.”

He leans across and kisses me once more, strong and sturdy, but much too short. And then he’s out of the car and disappearing into his building. I’m in a stupor after being kissed senseless by Snow. I will my body back into motion so I can drive home. I take side roads and I drive slow, cause I don’t want to go home. If I go home, I might break this spell of whatever feeling this is filling my senses. Sunday will bring something else, but for now, I’m intoxicated by the mere potential of it all.

#carry on sparks #carry on fanfiction #snowbaz fanfiction #snowbaz fic

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leah-halliwell92 · 4 years

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The Eyes Have It

@sujusfs14499 requested number 4 “God, your eyes are so gorgeous.” (She got long I’m sorry lol)

You couldn’t help your giddiness as adjusted your semi-casual burgundy dress a few minutes before 6. You were getting ready to not only go to dinner but a play at the Old Globe. Severus said that if they caught the viewing he had planned there would be a chance for dinner.

You had been surprised when Severus made his way into the apothecary on the a day you were working the counter, his days are usually those you’re not in. In school you’d been his best friend, class partner (when Lily wasn’t his chosen), his champion and confidante. You’d tried to be as close to him as he’d let you and without seeming like you were a lost puppy trailing after him like he’d been doing with Lily.

Not being the last one was easier said than done, but you’d done it and it served to kick James Potter in the arse hard enough for him to realize that not everything was as it seemed. Rumor had it that during fourth year, he’d gotten it into his head that he was going to prove Sev is as evil as the rest of his house. He’d sworn he was going to once and for all expose Sev for queen and country to see and quote, “Maybe then Lily will dump him as the rat he is”. This is how you heard he’d taken time during the Christmas hols to follow Sev home.

Needless to say James got more than what he bargained for when he found where Sev lived. You knew James ever the full of himself Gryffindor thought he’d find a well off half-blood maybe pureblood from a well off family, with a past of blood supremacy., literally anything that wasn’t anywhere close to what the reality of it all was. James had cornered you upon returning to school looking like a mad man demanding to know if what he’d witnessed was true. At the time you’d not known he’d gone as far as to look for actual reason to pick on Sev more than he already did. You could still remember it.

//Flashback//

“Is it true!?” James demanded.

“Is what true? What the hell could I have that you want Potter!?” You asked struggling against the grip he had on your arm.

“Have I just been making his life doubly difficult...” he said voice breaking, “Have I truly taken it to a point where an abused child cannot find sanctuary away from his hell.”

Your eyes widened as you realized what it is he wants clarification on.

“Tell me!” He yelled in begging manner, “Please...tell me I didn’t ruin a man’s life over rumors and baseless assumptions. Please...please...”

You sigh and say, “Your jealousy and brashness is what got you into this mess. You let your belief that learning about something anything makes them a bad person.”

In a very uncharacteristic display of character for him, he fell to his knees sobs wrecking his tall frame as the realization that all the “good” he thought he was doing was actually all for naught.

“If I were someone else I’d rub in the fact that Perfect James Potter valued seeker for Gryffindor and Prince of the Light bullied a child for being different,” you said voice cold causing him to flinch, “Not everyone who studies the dark arts is evil or are bound to become evil for studying something that interests them. Has it ever occurred to you that if the dark arts weren't studied we wouldn’t have the counters we have to help heal them? Or that potions to heal or treat without proper research done on dark curses?”

James looked ashamed and clearly at a loss. He'd finally come to the realization that he’d tormented an innocent for close to four years over nothing, just a need to learn and escape. Now that he knew the truth he didn’t know how he’d fix it or if it there was a way for him to make peace.

“What can I do to make amends?” He asked you pleadingly.

“I think that should be obvious to you,” you said crossing your arms.

He nodded to himself and said, “I know I need to stop with my actions and egging Padfoot onto continuing his own abuse.”

You nod sort of impressed but not believing he meant what he was saying.

“Maybe after a while,” he said voice low, “I can’t try to apologize.”

You nod and say, “Don’t think or believe he’ll forgive you. And do keep in mind you’ve been you've been chasing after his only friend.”

“Lily,” he said shock in his eyes, “They...”

“He loves her,” you said with a small smile on your face.

“And you him,” he said plainly.

“But this isn’t about me,” you said angrily, “So don’t you go thinking you can do to me what you’ve been doing to him. Believe you me James Potter I’ll get expelled before you go hurting me the way you did and have been doing to him. And for all the love and peace in the world, please don’t tell him how you or why you all of the sudden stopped...you won't like his response.”

He nodded and did even went as far as to promise that he’d do his best to keep Sirius in line along with Remus...the fact that he’d from the very beginning told them to leave Sev alone in the first place not withstanding.

You heaved multiple sighs of relief the day he walked in talking animately with Remus about something. Sev told to you about how James defended him against Sirius for the first two months of the new half term. How surprised and suspicious he was but then they got to the point of being civil with each other. You hoped that it wasn't too late for some form of friendship to blossom from this. She hoped the attacks just in time to keep him from spiraling down a hole he might not be able to get himself out of.

Sev had even introduced you to Lily! You’d wanted to size up your “competition” for a while, you’d known you weren’t anything compared to the great Lily Evans. It stung to see why it is Sev looked head over heels for her...she’s lovely to look at, she’s smart, ambitious and hard working. Not to mention they practically grew up together.

You remembered how as the years progressed his eyes would light up at the mention of Lily his heart practically on his sleeve. You’d made it clear to him, after befriending Lily, that her love for him might not be as he wants it to be. It had taken a bit but a sit down between him and Lily revealed the warnings you’d given him...this brought to you by Lily then by James who’d been told by both Lily and Sev what had happened.

It had gutted Sev the day James went to him as Lily’s ‘brother’ to ask for permission to court/date her. But he wanted Lily safe so he said yes to James leaving him with a warning that she’s stubborn enough to beat him should James have ulterior motives.

You’d had a feeling that Severus had hope for her to see him even while she was with James. Hope even when she’d accepted James’ permission to court her as the purebloods of their world do. You’d drifted some from Sev in the hope that you moved on from your crush on him to no avail...

//Present Day//

The years that proceeded all the way to seventh year went by quietly if not for the whining of one Sirius Black when the second half of the school year really kicked off. Despite his trepidation, Severus took to this change in stride. After some time walking on eggshells he’d been approached by Remus to join him and James for study group one Wednesday. He’d approached you about and you tried to be as supportive as yo could without revealing why they’d approached him in the first peace offerings in hand.

You laughed at the occurrence and remembered the time when he met you in the astronomy tower piss drunk. You’d been sitting taking notes for your class when Severus wound up and plopped himself next to you. Some slurred sweet words later and you somehow found yourself with his head on your lap your fingers brushing through his hair. And you don’t remember how it happened but somehow he’d gone from laying on your lap to kneeling in front of you his eyes caressing your face tenderly.

“God, your eyes are so gorgeous,” he said and without warning pressed a tender kiss to your lips.

Despite your shock you’d returned it before they heard the caretaker doing rounds forcing the both of you to go your separate ways. You also remember the long crying session you had in the bathroom when he came to you asking what had happened the day before since he’d woken up with the mother of all hangovers and alcohol induced amnesia.

You snapped back into reality at the sound of a knock at your door.

You gave yourself a look over to see you were pretty much done aside from jewelry.

You took the black pear set and made your way to the door as the necklace hooked itself on with a twist of your wrist.

“Good evening Severus,” you said opening the door a bright smile on your face.

He greeted you same as he always did a friendly hug and peck on the cheek before offering his arm for the both of you to leave.

The evening had started off better than you’d expected it to, the evening weather was wonderful and the chosen play happened to be one of your favorites. You were trying in vane to keep your traitorous heart from swooning every time he did or said something, with a voice you were sure should be illegal, that caused your insides to melt and tried to focus on what lay ahead. This is too good to be true...you could feel it in your bones.

The first half of the play went fantastically! It all felt and looked so romantic, like some big gesture would follow at the end of the night...no. That would not happen, not to you and not with him.

As soon as the intermission came about you’d made a mad dash for the loo hoping you had time for a drink of water and a nibble before heading back in. Little did you know that what happens afterward marked the end of what was promising to be a pleasant evening.

You walked out to be met with Severus have what looked to be a very engaging conversation with the ever beautiful Lily Evans. And despite you trying to not fall down the rabbit hole of your feelings for him, it happened anyway and the result is the overwhelming feeling of disappointment and hurt that he’d still chose h is Lily flower over you. Your traitorous brain supplied you with another thought, what if he’d brought you here with him knowing she’d be there? Your heart fell deeper at this, why torture you if he wasn’t interested in you anyway?

“Funny isn’t it?” The voice of James Potter drew you from your thoughts and darkening mood.

“That we meet here by chance?” You asked weakly wrapping your arms around you. Whether it was as a form of comfort or to keep yourself together you didn’t know.

“Well not exactly,” he said cleaning his throat slightly, “I’d let him know that the Globe was hosting a variety of wonderful plays...I never told him which and what night.”

“Mmm,” you said and drew a deep breath. You would make it through the night, you could do this.

“Why is it everyone can see how you clearly still feel for him but him?” James asked honest curiosity in his eyes before he gave you a look over nodding liking what he saw, “Merlin do your eyes look gorgeous. They contrast against your dress beautifully.”

You smiled widely at this and breathed a delighted laugh. At least you looked decent enough for such an event.

You shrugged at this but before you could say anything the smiling voice of Lily reached your ears.

“I though it was you I saw leaving the hall!”

You forced a smile on your face and greeted your friend tenderly, it wasn’t her fault Severus didn’t see you...like that.

You’d made a point to drop your defensive pose and dropped your hands to your sides. You kept an ear on what she was saying but your eyes wandered to the look of wonder on Sev’s face as he looked at her. Your eyes misted at this...at the realization that he’d never not only see you as a woman but he’d never want you either.

You felt James’ pinky wrap around your giving it a gentle supportive squeeze and calmed some. It wouldn’t do for everyone to see you break down over nothing.

“We simply must go to dinner after the show,” Lily said smilingly.

You wanted to flat out refuse but Severus had agreed for the both of you before you could.

“We’d be delighted,” he said charmingly voice soft, “It has been some time since we’ve had a proper catch up.”

You squeezed James’ finger and cleared your throat excusing yourself to the loo once again.

Once in a stall, you grabbed two squares of toilet paper and carefully pressed it on the corners of your eyes the tears falling and making you feel like stupid child trailing after her best friend and his heart only to be spurned for your attempts.

You shook with the effort of keeping your sobs from coming out and in a last ditch effort to calm down you placed your head between your knees and concentrated on your breathing. In and out...in and out...in and out.

Once calm you walked out to find yourself face to face with a clearly concerned Lily.

“I’m fine,” you said, sounding stronger than you felt despite the slight tremor in your voice.

“Then why are your eyes red?” She asked knowingly.

You shrug and inspect your miraculously still perfect makeup and said, “Had something in my eye.”

“Thestral shit,” she said, “It’s not like it seemed.”

You looked at her sadly and said, “I know...but the doesn’t mean he suddenly loves you like a brother. Magic can do a lot of things Lils, what it cannot do is interfere with the affairs of the heart.”

She nodded in sad understanding and said, “If you need a cry or to talk you know where to find me.”

You might just have to take her up on that. His greatest love or not she is still your friend. Even if her beau is the one you really need to have a chat with, he is your best friend.

You walked back arm in arm grins on your faces, hers smooth and pretty and yours forced hoping it didn’t look pain filled or worse...a wince.

The men escorted their respective ladies to their seats to finish the play. From the moment you retook your seats, you tried hard to focus on the plot. To lose yourself within the story and for a moment forget who you were sitting next to. Your attempts had proved successful until you felt calloused fingers tenderly grab your hand. Your knee jerk response was to take your hand back, there is after all no point to playing a gracious date on his behalf. The jig as they say, was up. But you left your hand in his, for what reason you didn’t know. Your heart wanted something to remember him by you supposed, but the rest of you was ready to swear at him, hit him and do horrible things just to try and get an answer for the many why's that lay at her feet.

Why can’t you see me? Why can’t you love me? Why am I not more like Lily? Why can’t I be a ginger?... At least then you’d have something to try and get his attention with. You felt the play to your core as the pivotal point drew near. Your grip tightened some around him as the plot blossomed, your anticipation, for more than just the play, reached new heights.

By the end of the play you’d forgotten the hurt, which suited you just fine to be able to survive dinner. So much for a date...

You weren't surprised to find James and Lily waiting on you easy smiles on their faces. As you made your way out James, bless him, commented, “If I didn’t know any better I’d have thought this to be a date by the looks of things.”

You felt Severus stiffen, had that not been the idea of this outing?

“Look at that!” Lily said pointing to the small shops that were around pulling you along without much warning.

You turned to look at the boys and froze, James looked like he was ready to commit murder while Severus was as blank and stony faced as ever.

“Face the window and pretend you look interested,” Lily said exaggerating her movements to make it look like they were having an animated conversation.

You followed lead and said, “Well now I know his real reason for being here.”

Lily shook her shoulders, simulating laughter, and said, “I didn’t tell him James and I would be here tonight. I know James practically gave him a shove in your direction by telling him of what the Globe had in store this week.”

You nodded forcing a bright smile on your face despite the tears that lit up your eyes.

“James told me as much,” you admitted to her, “It’s just odd! I know he comes to the shop the days I’m not there, I don’t know if it’s because he’s avoiding me or because I did something. My boss told me about a week ago about a new staff member to help on a more permanent basis along with me so that could be it?”

“I’m your new co-worker,” Lily revealed looking partly guilty, “I was going to surprise you with the news next week.”

That struck a chord and all of the sudden you were laughing. Incredulous and hysterical peels fell from your lips. Lily looked on sadly as the pieced came together.

“What so funny?” James asked a smirk playing at his lips.

You looked up to find James and Severus had made their way over to where you and Lily were standing. James looked at you a knowing look on his face while Severus looked curious.

“Lily let me know she’d be filling in the days I wouldn’t be working at the apothecary,” you say smile still in place, “I was so relieved and am so delighted to know. Sorry about the laughing, it’s just funny that we’d wind up working together in a field we both love.”

Severus glanced at you then as if he’d never known you were into potions, he should have known after seven years plus of friendship.

Not too long later, talks of getting dinner popped up. And soon enough your small group was making their way to what promised to be a cozy establishment on the muggle side of London. You’d have to make not of keeping the name in mind for next time. New memories would need to follow after this...

Severus kept your hand on his arm as he escorted you. Your mind drifted as you walked, if this had been a real date then you’d be pressing yourself to his side and putting your head on his shoulder. You would be having a meaningful conversation about anything and everything, maybe even starting the process of getting to know the adult versions of each other.

A faint grin appeared on your face at these thoughts...hope. These thoughts were your hopes personified. You “saw” his grin, “heard” his rumbled chuckles and “felt” his hand as he caressed your own on his arm on your way to dinner.

“(Y/N)?” You heard someone call.

“(Y/N)!” You looked to find Severus looking at you worriedly, his hand on your cheek, “Are you alright?”

You gazed at him for a moment the daydream ever present. It would have been so easy to fall on that...but that wasn’t the truth.

“I’m alright Sev,” you say with a grin, “Probably more peckish than I thought.”

He looked like he didn’t believe you and was about to say more when Lily brought your attention by proclaiming they’d arrived at the bistro they had in mind.

//Time Skip//

Dinner went as you’d expected it to catching up, memories from Hogwarts, slight talk of the future. You felt Severus stiffen again when James and Lily ask the both of you not only to come to their wedding but to be a part of the wedding party as well. You nodded with a bright smile truly happy for them before covering up a “yawn” giving away that you were “tired”.

Thankfully this gave Severus a reason to take you home. The bill was split and paid, you bid your friends a good night after promising to owl. In Lily’s case in the morning to plan for lunch during the week.

Severus and you apparate into your living room from an empty alleyway. You gave him a, hopefully convincing, grin as you stepped away from him to take off your shoes.

“Can I get you anything before you head out?” You asked more out of courtesy than actually fish to have him stay.

He gave you a strange look.

“What?” You asked curiously.

You’d thought he’d wanted to leave as soon as the evening came to a close. It isn’t as if he doesn’t have anything to do the next day. And to your surprise your boss needed you to come to the store in the afternoon.

“Are you alright?” He asked neutrally.

“Yes,” you said, honest but trying not to seem as emotionally drained as you felt, “Why?”

“You’ve been out of it as they say most of the evening,” he said going to stand where you were putting your purse and wrap away.

‘That happens when your feelings for someone else become more apparent,” you thought to yourself feeling more than a little emotionally drained.

“I’m probably still a bit shocked from being asked about being asked to be part of Lily’s wedding party,” you said shrugging with a small smile.

He gave a chuckle at that but he knew there was more to that.

You resisted the urge to cross your arms over your middle in a defensive pose and waited for him to reply to that.

“I never thought he’d ask me to be part of his merry band of misfits,” he said clearly feeling awkward.

“I loved the play,” you said not knowing how to get him to leave without seeming rude.

“Maybe we can go see one again sometime?” He asked eyes brightening.

You wanted to sigh and scream and shake him to see you. Yell in his face that you were right there...if only he’d give himself and you a chance but you didn’t.

“Maybe,” you said vaguely, “It’s getting late, tomorrow I have to go into the apothecary for something staff related.”

Severus nodded at this and went to apparate out when he turned to you once again and surprised you by pressing a kiss to your forehead and saying, “I was right that night in the Astronomy tower...you really do have the most gorgeous eyes.”

#severus snape #reader #severus requests #Harry Potter requests

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fgodestinyawakenings · 5 years

Text

EOR SE.RA.PH Singularity: Act 4

Leaving the final Act and epilogue... Hopefully this can be done before going back to JP, especially given Reines Case files is ending way earlier than Seraph. I’m heading out for Doujima in the weekend, and grinding for Eater X is going to be hell

Act 4 (1/4)

After beating Caesar... It’s still not surprising that there’s more Servants left on the rear side, Cat. Then again... At least no one fell for his smooth-talking this time round. If anything, yes, Cat is one of our iron chef in Chaldea Kitchen!

Gaining Lip immediately as Tamamo Cat’s next disciple... Thankfully she avoided going to actual Beni-Enma’s Hell’s Kitchen to learn. Seeing Melt happy for Lip being able to speak up without worrying on other’s opinions, she eventually appreciate Gudas for not killing her back then. And that’s no way to shoo Emiya Alter away, Cat!

Cat’s case is still surprising for me so far. None of them are Alter Egos class yet potentially to be one... Or given in Lostbelt there’s already one debatable to be either Assassin or Alter Ego. Something that surprise Melt never realized it until now, except Lip

Melt then explained to Cat what part of BB they were based on as she and Lip are completely different from each other. In basic term, Melt is a sadist and Lip is a masochist which hence they are a good pair to each other.

Emiya Alter returns once Melt finished revealing more about herself, asking if Suzuka is the only Sentinel left. With Melt’s guess on where Suzuka is, our next destination is to head for the spine

Before Emiya Alter suggest we take back BB’s advice to defeat Suzuka again the same way we defeat Lip. But, aside from the issue Suzuka has with the original Tamamo... Hope Tama Cat has a way to beat her down then

Act 4 (2/4)

A dead end instead of a path to the Spine... A good question to learn.... It turns out Sakurament is basically QP where BB make us do the dirty work to collect all even if it’s not necessary. Yeah, I didn’t church allowed sending asshole Arnold to talk to us too, Cat

No shit, we don’t even know about Seraphix in the first place. Anyway, looks like Arnold got the map of the Planetarium we’re looking for. I think he’s more than just cog in the machine, Emiya Alter.... But, we’ll need to settle that later. I think there could be worse people to be in charge, Melt...

Though, we got 25 hours+ left aka 15 minutes before Seraphix sink to the bottom. Thank you for your concern, Lip. But we need to focus on the bigger issue to find Suzuka and get to the planetarium. Guys, Gudas really appreciate your concern for them, BUT LET’S NOT DO SOMETHING CRAZY AS DECIDING TO THROW THEM OUT FOR SERVANTS TO EAT AS MUCH I’D LIKE TO!

And despite their bickering or so, both Lip and Melt are really close to each other. Or, at least once they develop more sense of self and others, they really care for each other a lot. Also again, you’re hiding something, aren’t you, Melt? Nevertheless, we’re still trusting you, no matter what

After Melt giving another talk to the Gudas about herself, we move on to find Suzuka!

Act 4 (3/4)

Reaching to the temple soon... We’re definitely close with Tama Cat confirming her presence. Emiya Alter briefly mentions about who Suzuka is and her historical deeds in the past. To be honest, I don’t know who’s real or not but Tamamo originally IS a nine-tail fox.

Lip’s turn to mention about her tragic love story that she was known for. Yeah for someone supposed to be intellect, I’m guessing all of it went to her high school chunnibyou. Though have to admit, her strength is something with her bloodlust craving for fights.

At the mention of Masters.... WE DEFINITELY HAVE NOT SEEN A SINGLE ONE ASIDE FROM GUDAS! What the hell?! This is still one of the biggest mystery that has been yet to solve...

Anyway, reached her temple at last. Suzuka is right there all ready to kick our ass again. Before that, where’s your Master, Suzuka? .... Okay, looks like she don’t even know who her Master is.... Regardless, we’re not letting you touch Tristan to settle your score for the Holy Grail.

5~6 turns later... That’s some fucking gimmick to keep herself alive until the finals of the Holy Grail War. Wait Melt... Before we throw that key away, there should be a way to use it from that defective AI. And shut up, Arnold! Spectators should just keep quiet and watch!

And you, Suzuka! Are you okay being that stupid, useless and inferior AI’s Servant?! YEAH, I’M CALLING YOU A FLUNKY, CHUNNIBYOU! Tama’s right, you’re nothing but a puppet to that stupid AI right now! If you’re really planning to follow your Master’s wish, then let’s end this properly!!

Thanks to Tama Cat’s trap... Time to unlock her heart! I’m feeling sorry for Hakunos at this point.... Relax we don’t event want to do this. Blame the fucking writer who needs everything to be a sex scene.

One showdown of Suzuka and her boyfriend Hijikata later.... Not so fast on the dramatic suicide, Suzuka! Yeah, you’re definitely way too dramatic, Suzuka! There’s such thing of people dying of a broken heart... But, you’re perfectly fine! For a previously married divine goddess, there’s nothing about you like a high school girl...

Argh enough drama! Cat, do your job and smack-talk some sense into her! And we’re the winner, so we decided you get to live or not. And, we take the former of you living to join us! I’ll pass on your friend request... Social media been avoiding weird people to add later on Facebook in particular

Before we go back, another earthquake? Wait... This is..... The Demon God Pillar Zepar!! Why the---What the fuck?! It turned the whole area upside down!! We’re saved, but Melt took the hit for Gudas!!!

I don’t think they can understand us, Lip! And if we’re at the lowest... Oh fuck that’s where Zepar is supposed to be reborn!!!

Eight hours before we bottom! And we’re already long before you start yapping, Arnold! We’re going to save Melt, so no, we’re not going back without Melt! Lastly, you’re not even the boss of us so peace out!

Suzuka’s direction is helpful now we can get back to business. Enough of arguing who’s coming, and don’t you implied Lip’s weight, Suzuka! It’s just you and Gudas, so do your job properly.

Meanwhile, Melt woken up to remember she fallen while saving the Gudas. The Rejection Calf aka the Disposal area... Her legs broke from the fell back there. Her body has really hit her limit ever since the arrival of Gudas. Closing her eyes, she reminiscence her memories with the Gudas and more about her true thoughts.

Thankfully, the Gudas picked her out of there before she got destroyed once and for all. Gripping tight of her hand and ignoring the harem yapping, we got to get out of there before 3 Shapeshifter, 3 Eaters and 1 fucking giant Rider boar coming at us!!!

.... And there’s more! Yup, I agree with you there, Suzuka. THIS IS COMPLETELY FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! Hey, don’t forget the rope to get us out of there!! And... The rope was cut?! What the hell?!!

But... Tristan is here and he managed to save us! Oh right, you flew with that harp of yours in Halloween event.... That’s another way to get us out of there, or not. Let’s create a camp session until someone picked up up. Tempting to beat Arnold, but that’s a goner. Wait, Cruel Thenar... Melt’s former workplace? .... I guess a pathetic AI decided to use her brains for once to save us

Ah typical loser who decided to squish the final two contestant just to get her reward. Well, where’s our supposed next battle with you? Now? Yeah yeah, you may have a certain thing like Tiamat, Goetia and so on. You’re in the end just an AI who felt the need to better herself than everyone at how fucking weak you really are. A sad case, truly.

Hold on, mistake? Weren’t you the one started this whole stupid mess?! How the hell did things fucked up!! And knew it, obviously she’s going to send us down than up

Meanwhile... Good thing Arnold’s not a Master, otherwise, I’d like to see him the first Master get betrayed and screwed by his Servant. Considering he heartlessly get both his Director and Deputy Director killed... And now trying to get Gudas to obey him by force

And since Emiya Alter is here? Or the one who betrayed us too.... Yeah, thank you for doing everyone a favor to kill him. It’s about time someone needs to kill off that irritating character. And Mable? Oh why her?! Wait... You killed them to prevent Animusphere experiment...?

But the voice that attacked Emiya Alter... OKAY WHAT THE FUCK? That’s like an interior of a demon pillar! I thought we killed that!! This person talking to Emiya Alter is someone he knew well, given how they now spoke about themselves...

And the bloodied past, of Emiya Alter... Taunting him as the whole screen now turned bloody too. So, they are the ones who killed Gawain too! Whatever Emiya Alter have his reason, he needed to kill them in our world since he already know what they will be like in a certain distant future.

Act 4 (4/4)

Definitely right at the bottom of where Melt’s workplace originally is... At the most painful landing ever. Melt then explained Cruel Thenar was once a place to excavated oil... Aka finding leylines in truth. Oh, you want us to enter your heart?

That makes things easier in a sense. Nah, it’s fine, it’s more annoying to beat around the bush, Lip. Yeah we got the key after we ripped off from that AI before falling down. Well... At least, we got a job to do. Oh please, not all of Gudas are interested in woman. There’s this called of “I’m gay and my life is hell in a harem manga”, so there. With Lip’s advice, time to enter her heart to unlock this area!

And WE’RE FUCKING DONE WITH HER! DW just give us a fucking Anti-Alter Ego class already!!! But with that down, Melt then showed us a way to the Planetarium via her territory. And.... We’re back at the front! That’s enough rest, you’re coming with us back to the church. So keep quiet or we’ll drop and break your legs here!

No one is here to greet us... Where did Mable and Arnold go? What the... Emiya Alter is not even here! Before that... Some AI dropped a nice invitation to go beat her up. Hey, it’s not like we didn’t beat her over and over again like she deserved it under Martha’s punch.

That’s right, Tristan. It’s gone far too long for this Holy Grail War. With Melt back at the chapel resting, we head off to the core to get Ruler Martha, Amakusa and Jeanne to gang up on her.

After we left, Melt then begans her own monologue. Thinking there should be a way out for Gudas, she hope Suzuka, Tristan and Cat eventually found a way to do so.

And really done for the day... Literally.... Because all my energy was wasted in walking with an eventually broken shoe, running back to my house to wear a new one before heading for my interview is gone. Plus, today’s also happened to be one of the many worst days.... I’m going to need sleep before grinding some quest for KP

#fgo #fate grand order #the shit I shit myself into #SERAPH singularity #SERAPH NA #at this rate one is going to be sacrificed for another...#and that's very tempting to skip JP at this point #but I'm already nearing to the end....#i'm really worn out... OTL

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kokichufflepuff · 6 years

Text

Flight is One Happy Thought Away

Takes place in year 6; two dorks, a field, and patronus attempts

"Just...focus on a happy memory."

"A what now?" Ouma asks far too blankly for Kaito's comfort, and his heart aches. It's not a surprise - with the tournament last year, and Angie's stupid death bird in year 2, and everything else they've dealt with, life has made it painfully clear Ouma is used to dealing with...with a lot. Far too much for someone so small.

Something must have shown on his face, because Ouma's expression changes for a split second - so quick Kaito didn't have a chance to register it - before he plasters on a smile and giggles. "Nishishi~ Momota-chan looks so worried for me!"

Merlin, Kaito wanted to hug him. He's fully aware that Ouma's more than capable of protecting himself, but... he shouldn't have to need to protect himself in the first place. Sadly, Kaito was pretty damn positive Ouma wouldn't react well to a hug. Or hell, maybe he’d love it - Kaito's not an expert at reading people in the first place, and Ouma goes out of his way to be a goddamn enigma to everyone around. Before the moment drags on Kaito reaches out an arm and pulls Ouma into a headlock, ruffling his hair. "If y'say so, ya damn brat."

Surprisingly, despite all the bullshit this school's thrown at them, dementors are something they haven't run across yet. They'd all love to keep it that way, really, but like Shuuichi had said earlier this week; better safe than sorry. The Ravenclaw had dug out the instructions for the Patronus Charm and brought it to Kaito, because Kaito was probably the most energetic upbeat person in their friend group besides Kaede. He hadn't gone to Kaede because Kaito was much less likely to shatter a desk, or vase, or... anything available, if he got frustrated with the spell. "It's pretty advanced," Shuichi had said, eyebrows furrowing as he reread the page. "Hope's Peak doesn't include it in the curriculum, even." He had looked up and met Kaito's eyes, and Kaito understood. "But better safe than sorry, right?" (Let's have an advantage, this time around.)

So Shuuichi and Kaito spent a few free periods practicing the charm, and even the ever-patient Shuuichi had grown frustrated a few times. Kaito had tried picturing half a dozen of his fondest memories - family vacations, time spent with his friends here at Hope's Peak. He had even tried one of his... hazier memories, of running and being free and wild and powerful. Each time he had conjured… something, vague silvery mist that danced around the room before fading away. It was more than Shuuichi had managed to accomplish.

Three attempts later and Kaito was searching for a new memory to call on when it rose from the back of his mind, as if it had been waiting for him.

The memory of fourteen-year-old Kaito standing before a giant mirror, watching his reflection achieve everything he's ever dreamed. Watching as a small boy - grown, definitely older, but still much smaller than Kaito - bounced into frame and hung off his arm, content and healthy and peaceful in a way Kaito had never seen.

The bay horse had flown out of his wand like, well, like magic. There was really no other way to describe it. Shuuichi congratulated him for pulling it off, just as pleased as if he had done it himself.

Then he had gone to face the music and practice with Kaede, and Kaito had set out to... well, in truth he had set out to find Harumaki, but then he had run into Ouma and now here they were.

“Momota-chan’s such a bad teacher! So much worse than Fujisaki-chan!”

“H-hey! I'm a fantastic teacher!” Kaito instinctively yells. “I even taught myself, y’know!”

Ouma tilts his head to the side, bangs falling across his eyes as he poked a cheek with his finger. (Shut up, brain, shut up it is not cute-) “Ehhhh? But I thought that was Saihara-chan’s plan!”

Kaito sputters for a second before he could manage a reply. “Just cuz Shuuichi got a copy of the spellbook page doesn't mean he taught me how to do it!” Ouma giggles at the sight of the other boy getting upset, and Kaito grits his teeth as he forces himself to calm down. It's been six years since he arrived at Hope’s Peak, and six years since he’s met Ouma. One would think he would be able to have a casual conversation without getting riled up by now. “Why’re you being so difficult, anyways? You’ve almost got me thinking you don't want to be able to pull this off.”

Ouma actually pauses at that, before a wide grin splits his face. “Ooh, Momota-chan’s starting to ask some not-boring questions for once!”

“Wh-”

“Mmmmaybe I don't want to!” He continues, hands held behind his back as he bends forward. “Maybe I want Momota-chan to be my knight in shining armor!” Kaito remembers checkered scarves and arena challenges and Chabashira fighting a grin as she “politely” informs him of medieval muggle traditions, and has to fight back a blush. “But that could just be a lie, nishishi~!”

“You-!”

“Maybe I just want to spend more time with Momota-chan.” Ouma’s voice had gone soft, and he had turned away to face the Great Lake. Kaito’s mind went blank in the face of - honesty? Was he being honest? Or-

“But that could be a lie too~!” Ouma’s sing-song voice broke the small silence, and Kaito was once again left reeling.

“Y-you… you can't say every possibility and claim they’re all lies, y’know!”

“Oh? But I never said they were lies! Only that they might be!” Ouma’s grin grows in proportion to Kaito’s frustration, and he once again wonders why, exactly, he is so damn determined to figure out this puzzle. (Of course he knows why - he’s known since he saw a small boy standing lost and alone at a train station.)

“But Momota-chan, you don't have the time to waste puzzling over li’l old me!” A moment later the school bell rings out loud and clear across the field, a warning to dawdlers and a cue for the troublemakers. Kaito’s next class is clear across the castle.

“FUCK!” He scrambles to the bag he discarded at the start of free time, hoping against hope that he has the right books. Kaito ignores Ouma’s laughter but turns to face the other boy nonetheless. “Maybe, uh. Maybe we can keep trying again later?”

“It’s a date, nishishi~!”

Kaito doesn't have the time nor energy to fight with Ouma by correcting him, because it's not a date. It's...it's a tutoring session! Yeah, a tutoring session. About materials specifically never covered in class. Yeah.

He’s very, very glad to have the excuse of a mad dash across the castle to explain his red face.

In his rush to leave, Kaito doesn't look back. If he had, he might have noticed the soft smile that replaced Ouma’s grin, or seen the smaller boy flop down on his back to stare up at the sky.

“Mhmm, a date with Momota-chan!” Ouma quietly giggles to himself, and raises his wand to lazily trace the clouds as he ignores the ringing bell. A faint silver mist leaks out the point, and within moments Ouma’s scarf and hair are being nuzzled by a glowing, silver rabbit. “Nishishi, I’d never lie about having fun with Momota-chan!”

#hogwarts au #ouma kokichi #kokichi ouma #momota kaito #kaito momota #fanfic #mod miu

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krispyweiss · 6 years

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The Sound (Bites) of Live Music - 2017 in Review

It was another fabulous year in live music.

Concerts big and small; acts Sound Bites has seen scads of times and acts that broke his Sound cherry; festivals and “an evening with;” old timers and newcomers. These concerts were the sound of live music in 2017 and Sound Bites has the best of them below.

Shows are ranked in the approximate oder of quality with the number of times seen in parentheses. The concerts took place in Columbus, Ohio, unless otherwise noted and are ranked by grade. Any shows that merited a B+ or lower are excluded.

A+

Rhiannon Giddens/Steep Canyon Rangers (6)/Pokey LaFarge/Cincinnati Pops Orchestra, Music Hall, Cincinnati, Nov. 12: The third of three concerts/recording sessions took place on a Sunday afternoon as Giddens, the Rangers and LaFarge focused on post-World War I American compositions. A sublime mixture of classical music and Americana’s best contemporary artists and the show of the year. It’ll be released sometime in 2018 as the second in an ongoing series.

Punch Brothers (3)/I’m With Her/Julian Lage, Taft Theatre, Cincinnati, Aug. 12 Playing alone, together and in various combinations on the American Acoustic tour, the co-headliners slayed the audience with originals and covers of everyone from Adele to Randy Newman.

Tommy Emmanuel and David Grisman, Speaker Jo Anne Davidson Theater, Nov. 10: Emmanuel played an opening solo-acoustic set before appearing with Grisman for songs from their duet LP, Pickin’, and other selections. Pure, jaw-dropping virtuosity.

Roger Waters (2), Nationwide Arena, July 20: A left-wing, multi-media assault on the senses that found Waters revisiting politically minded tracks spanning from Pink Floyd’s Meddle to his own Is This the Life We Really Want?

Steve Martin (2)/Martin Short/Steep Canyon Rangers (5), PNC Pavilion, Cincinnati, Sept. 16: Mostly a comedy show - and one so hilarious Mr. and Mrs. Sound Bites walked out with sore throats and tummies from laughing so hard - this concert also featured the Rangers playing bluegrass alone and with their patron, Martin. And when Short danced across the stage in drag and with humongous fake boobies during “Pretty Little One,” the two art forms merged in perfection.

Willie Nelson (11)/Van Morrison (3)/Avett Brothers, et al. Hersheypark Stadium, Hershey, Pa., Oct. 10: At the Hershey stop of Nelson’s Outlaw Music Festival, Nelson was in top form with an expanded, guest-filled band; Morrison played a spellbinding concert that was the best of the three the Sound Biteses saw this year; and the Avetts proved all the fuss is legit.

Brian Wilson, Palace Theatre, April 21: Backed by an enormous band that included former Beach Boys Al Jardine and Blondie Chapman, Wilson revisited Pet Sounds and surrounded it with big hits (“I Get Around”) and deep cuts (“California Saga”). Sublime doesn’t touch it.

Van Morrison (2), Ruth Eckerd Hall, Clearwater, Fla, Jan. 18: After seeing Morrison for the first time the night before and thinking nothing could be better, the man came back and proved Mr. and Mrs. Sound Bites wrong, playing a different set and wailing away on saxophone, guitar and harp.

Van Morrison, Ruth Eckerd Hall, Clearwater, Fla., Jan 17: The only thing better than seeing Morrison for the first time is seeing him subsequently.

Los Lobos (13), Music Box Supper Club, Cleveland, March 31: The band played Kiko in its entirety and stretched it to two hours, keeping the essence of their high-watermark album while futzing with the arrangements enough to keep things interesting for those of us who have the LP tattooed on our brains from repeated listenings over the past 25 years.

David Crosby & Friends, Kent Stage, Kent, Ohio, Nov. 5: Sound Bites endured a solo, three-plus-hour drive through thunderstorms and a tornado warning and arrived at the Kent Stage stressed out, soaking wet and with just minutes to spare. The bad vibes melted away about 40 seconds after Crosby and his stellar band took the stage with “In My Dreams” and the ride home was just fine after an amazing performance from rock’s premier male singer.

Tedeschi Trucks Band (8)/Wood Brothers (3)/Hot Tuna (7), Rose Music Center, Huber Heights, Ohio, July 22: All three bands were in top form on this stop on the Wheels of Soul tour, even if the Woods and Hot Tuna didn’t get enough stage time. All was forgiven when each band joined in during Tedeschi Trucks’ typically searing headlining set, which featured high-test originals and covers and made Mr. and Mrs. Sound Bites wish they had attended the previous evening in Cincinnati.

Chicago (12), Rose Music Center, Huber Heights, Ohio, May 20: Playing a set short on schlock and long on tracks from the Terry Kath era, Chicago played the best of the dozen concerts Sound Bites has seen of the band since 1982. Chicago was a rock band at first and it is a rock band now.

Robert Cray Band (8), Midland Theatre, Newark, Ohio, Sept. 29: Cray doesn’t mess around - he plays his songs in a workmanlike manner, plays them well and still sounds almost exactly like the guy who first came on to the scene nearly four decades ago. Ageless. And timeless.

Wood Brothers (4) Stuart’s Opera House, Nelsonville, Ohio, Nov. 9: Debuting tracks from their forthcoming album and playing old favorites, the Woods played the best of the four concerts Sound Bites has been lucky enough to see from the band. Though their named after brothers Oliver and Chris, multi-instrumentalist Jano Rix is the trio’s secret weapon.

Martin Barre (2), Natalie’s Coal Fired Pizza, May 3: Playing acoustic and electric sets, Barre and his spectacular, three-piece band nailed Jethro Tull songs from across the band’s catalog, mixing them in with periodic selections from Barre’s solo career.

Rosanne Cash (2), Kuss Auditorium, Springfield, Ohio, Feb. 11: Performing in an acoustic-duo setting with husband John Levanthal, Cash showed herself a better singer live than in studio and Leventhal’s arrangements made her songs sparkle in the sparse, in-concert setting.

Dweezil Zappa (6), Express Live!, Jan. 22: Fomerly known as Zappa Plays Zappa, Dweezil and his crack band somehow managed to pull off Daddy’s songs in a way that was both appropriately reverent and appropriately irreverent. Don’t think of Dweezil and company as a tribute group. Think of them as a rock ‘n’ roll symphony interpreting one of the 20th century’s most-important composers.

Los Lobos (14), Music Box Supper Club, Cleveland, April 1: With Kiko in the rear view, a looser Lobos took the stage the following evening with a retrospective set of originals and covers that found the band members switching instruments, taking requests and inviting up a local ringer on stage to shred with the wolf pack. On any given night, Los Lobos are capable to going places only a few bands can go - this was one of them.

Leo Kottke (4), Thirty One West, Newark, Ohio, Oct. 24: All by his lonesome but sounding like a quartet, Kottke showed once again why, like Tigger, he’s the only one.

Old Crow Medicine Show (2), Express Live!, May 31: Playing Bob Dylan’s Blonde on Blonde from front to back, the Crows put a new twist on an old standby, adding a bunch and taking away nothing. There was a nice tribute to the recently departed Gregg Allman via “Midnight Rider” in the encore, which also featured (natch) the Dylan co-write “Wagon Wheel.”

Bruce Hornsby (10), Midland Theatre, Newark, Ohio, Sept. 22: If there’s anyone more versatile than Hornsby, Sound Bites is yet to meet him. This solo-piano workout took the concept of recital to a whole ‘nother level.

Southern Culture on the Skids (2), Skully’s Music Diner, May 9: “Too Much Pork for Just one Fork.” “House of Bamboo.” The only thing that outshines SCOT’s sense of humor is SCOT’s musicianship. Flying fried chicken and fans dancing onstage only add to the shenanigans when they come to town.

Bob Weir & the Campfire Band, Proctor & Gamble Hall, Cincinnati, Jan. 12: Backed by members of the National in an acoustic-centric set that was heavy on songs from Blue Mountain, Weir put on the best performance Sound Bites has seen out of him in a decade or more and proved he should do more shows that move away from his Grateful Dead legacy. When “Oh Boy” popped out of “Dark Star,” all was right with the universe.

Del McCoury Band (2), Stuart’s Opera House, Nelsonville, Ohio, March 4: There’s bluegrass. And then there’s the Del McCoury Band.

The HillBenders, Fur Peace Ranch, Pomeroy, Ohio, Aug. 5: The Who’s Tommy is even creepier when performed in a bluegrass setting. The HillBenders opened for themselves with a set of originals before diving into the tale of the deaf, dumb and blind kid. If this tour comes to your town, go.

Tedeschi Trucks Band (7), Palace Theatre, Jan. 23: This was the weakest TTB show Sound Bites has ever seen. It was astounding.

Lake Street Dive, Newport Music Hall, Aug. 10: Rachael Price is mesmerizing - impossible to take your eyes and ears off. The rest of the band is just as potent and Lake Street Dive is probably the only band in the world that could make Sound Bites shake his tail feather to George Michael’s “Faith.” Their version of Wings’ “Let Me Roll It” - like the rest of their performance - also did not suck.

A-

Ray Wiley Hubbard (2), Woodlands Tavern, June 23: Hubbard likes to call his music “an acquired taste.” It takes about three seconds to realize this guy should be at the top of everyone’s must-see list.

Elizabeth Cook (2), Rumba Cafe, Oct. 23: At turns funny and heartbreaking, Cook possesses a gorgeous voice and an irresistible, smart-ass stage presence. She’s like Todd Snider in drag and her solo-acoustic show is anything but a drag.

Todd Snider (9), Stuart’s Opera House, Nelsonville, Ohio, Feb. 4: At turns funny and heartbreaking, Snider possesses a laconic voice and an irresistible, smart-ass stage presence. He’s like Elizabeth Cook in jeans and his solo-acoustic show is a terrific mix of music and comedy.

Jerry Douglas Band, Thirty One West, Newark, Ohio, Aug. 15: Eschewing bluegrass for jazz, the Dobro player extraordinaire brought a huge band to Newark and nullified any disappointment by delivering a barnburner of a concert that made you wonder why he didn’t do this sooner.

Los Lobos (15), Stuart’s Opera House, Nelsonville, Ohio, Aug. 20: With bassist Conrad Lazano and guitarist Cesar Rosas MIA, the Wolves nevertheless delivered with a set heavy on rarities and covers. The pit was packed with dancers for most of the second set, proving a short-handed Los Lobos is still among the country’s best live acts.

Yonder Mountain String Band (2), A&R Music Bar, July 6: Adding more heat to an already sweaty and packed bar, YMSB proved there is life after Jeff Austin.

Holly Bowling (2), Woodlands Tavern, Feb. 10: The classical pianist who specializes in Phish and Grateful Dead covers delivered two sets of Phish and Grateful Dead covers arranged for classical piano and knocked off plenty of socks in the process.

Steel Wheels (2), King Center for the Arts, Dec. 9: When a bluegrass band features a drum solo early in the concert, you know you’re in for something different. The Steel Wheels are something different. And they’re something else as well.

12/20/17

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meditationsofanoblesponge · 7 years

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A Lesson

Alright so I’m gonna fuck y’all up with some truth.

There are many lessons in life you will learn the hard way. There’s no getting around it. But what you take from that lesson and how you choose to move forward is what matters.

As like... three of you know (those who actually read this shit blog), I went through a really rough patch last summer involving a friend so near and dear to me. Long story short, I was desperate for friendship to the point of self-sabotage. My therapist helped me understand that, finally, after 6 sessions with her (bless her).

When this friend, (whom I will refer to as Sam* for the sake of keeping things a bit more private) came into my life, I was incredibly lonely, lost, and depressed. She found me, literally and figuratively. Sam* got to know what makes me tick, what makes me sad, what makes me angry, what makes me smile. We did EVERYTHING together. She was (and still is) the most amazing person I have ever known. But the thing was/is, I started to get real codependent.

CODEPENDENCYˌkōdəˈpendənsē/: noun excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically a partner who requires support due to an illness or addiction.

You see, she had seen some shit throughout her life. She had dealt with emotional abuse, physical abuse, growing up on the shit side of the economy. I understood the emotional abuse and economical status. We had this mutual understanding of just how shitty the world could be. Now, this was a good thing at the time. But something sort of... snapped for me.

About one year into this incredible friendship, I began to get protective of Sam*. I hated her boyfriend at the time because he was so demanding of her time and energy. He belittled her and made her feel less than. I didn’t like how her stepmom treated her, and I wasn’t happy with her older sister making Sam* drop the world to fix her mistakes all the time. Sam* was too powerful, too independent of a person to be dealing with such matters, but she did it with grace and forgiveness. But my protective nature never ceased.

My therapist asked me why I feel compelled to help people, even when it harms me in the end. I’ll be honest, I do it because, to me, others matter way more than me. I could give a shit less about myself or my well being. As long as those I love are happy and healthy, then I may be at peace. But the thing is, I never find peace when I do that. In fact, I spend more time worrying about other people’s lives without taking into consideration that maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m not needed. Maybe me helping could simply come in the form of the generalized gestures we’re all used to. “If you need anything, call me.” Or “ Would you like me to help you?”

I would bend of over backwards and land in the splits for Sam* fully expecting praise and thank you’s. But instead, I would get backlash and frustration. It hurt me deeply, too. Most nights, I would spend hours racking my brain for ideas on how to make Sam’s* life easier. Gifts, coffees, long letters and money. Everything I had, every ounce of myself would go to Sam*. At first, she was very grateful. She knew my love language was giving. But after awhile, it wasn’t working.

The last gift I attempted to give her were concert tickets to a music festival we had discussed wanting to go to. My thought on that one was that she wouldn’t have to worry about paying for it because money was tight. I had just graduated and used that money I earned to buy these tickets. On her graduation day, I sent her a message saying that I got the tickets for her as a gift, and I heard nothing back from her. That’s when I hit an incredible, iron wall of gutwrenching anxiety and depression. A thousand questions and cries blew out of my brain and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t know why she wouldn’t respond, or say thank you, fuck you, whatever. There’s nothing more agonizing than an important message going unanswered.

Three weeks passed after my gift was given, and I had lost 15 pounds through stress alone. I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t want to eat, and I cried for hours on end. What hurt me the most had nothing to do with her lack of response about concert tickets, but her lack of response to me, period. Where had our friendship gone so wrong that not replying to your best friend was considered okay? What on earth had I done to deserve such treatment? What did I say?? What did I need to fucking do to fix this situation?

It has been a little less than a year since this happened. And since then, it has taken A LOT of therapy, binge drinking, and sobbing breakdowns and anxiety attacks to get through it. I have reflected on it so much that it’s almost like clockwork. I’ll be in the happiest of moods, then suddenly I want to grab my head and rip it off. You wanna know what I did wrong? The life lesson I had to learn the hard way? Giving your whole self to someone who didn’t ask for it is a perfect way to destroy something good. You may be overstepping boundaries, stomping on their pride, or not allowing that person to forge their own path to self-help. Don’t ever assume that by you “helping” someone, that they actually wanted the help. Being a “giver” isn’t a bad thing. My therapist calls it God’s gift to me. I’m not ashamed of my gift, either. No, my shame lies in the fact that I was so pushy and forceful in my giving nature that I ruined a friendship that I may never have again. I was so scared to lose someone I loved, that I got desperate and needy, and that isn’t very becoming.

The loss of a friendship that means so much to you is... well it’s fucking awful. I know I’m not alone when it comes to this fact of life. But goddamn I am so angry and upset with myself. I hate myself so much for taking such a good thing and blasting it to pieces. My therapist told me that I need to forgive myself, and that this situation was a two-way street. Not all of the guilt needs to rest in my hands because “she could have communicated with you better”. Yeah, I guess. But in the end, I fucked it all up. Gone are the days of late-night McDonald’s runs, sitting in parking lots talking about our fears and triumphs, and going to concerts in a drunken stupor. Now, I have an awkward, stagnant friendship with someone I once loved so much that is only stabilized through tagging each other in Facebook Memories and silly music videos.

Someday, I hope we do get coffee so that I can tell her all of this. I know she’ll listen, all in due time. But for now, I truck on and pretend that I am getting better. And I am really good at pretending.

#friendship #personal #depression #sadness #fear

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urfullmonte-blog · 5 years

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Flotation Therapy — Health Benefits of Sensory Deprivation

New Post has been published on https://www.thefullmonte.com/flotation-therapy-health-benefits-of-sensory-deprivation/

Flotation Therapy — Health Benefits of Sensory Deprivation

By Dr. Joseph Mercola

youtube

Sensory Deprivation Tank. Float Tank. Floating. Whatever you call it, it’s not new, but it’s caught on fire in recent months. Floating is known to have a host of benefits, ranging from stress and anxiety relief, to alleviating chronic pain, to upping your creativity, to making you a more optimistic person. I went to Pause Float, in Los Angeles to see what floating is all about. Here’s how it went. – YOUTUBE –

Bulletproof

Published on May 10, 2018

Flotation therapy has been linked to a wide variety of beneficial effects, including stress reduction, reduced anxiety and depression, pain relief, reduced inflammation, improvements in chronic fatigue and symptoms associated with burnout. It has been shown to increase creativity, deepen meditative states and enhance sports performance. It also has enormous potential in the treatment of traumatic brain injuries — by resetting the neuroendocrine system.

If you’ve ever considered flotation therapy, you’re not alone. In fact, this sensory deprivation technique is becoming more popular, and has benefits ranging from simple relaxation to recovery after a traumatic brain injury.

Most flotation tubs or tanks are about the size of a queen-sized bed and contain no more than 1 foot of water that has been supersaturated with 850 to 1,000 pounds of Epsom salt to 200 gallons of water.

According to Graham Talley, founder of Float On, which hosts an annual Float Conference, this makes the water “more buoyant than the Dead Sea.”1 The water is heated to 93.5 degrees F., which is a normal skin surface temperature. Writing for Men’s Health, Deanna Debara describes her experience:2

“Float devotees include celebrities like Steph Curry and Joe Rogan, who have promoted it as a post-workout recovery tool and a way to reduce muscle soreness.

Floating devotees claim that the therapy can be a cure-all for everything from hypertension to insomnia, but I was interested in trying it for one reason: to relax … If there was anything out there that could help me loosen up and just chill, I was game …

During the first few minutes of the float, I panicked … It took everything in me not to feel around in the darkness to find the light … But the longer I stayed in the tank, the more things started to slow down. My shoulders loosened up. My breathing deepened. My thoughts stopped racing …

As time went on, I moved past relaxation and entered what I can only describe as an almost trance-like state; at times, I couldn’t tell where my body ended and where the water began. I couldn’t tell if my eyes were opened or closed, and I couldn’t tell if I was awake or asleep. It was like meditating on steroids.”

Health Benefits of Flotation Therapy

As noted in the video above, flotation therapy has been linked to an array of beneficial effects, including:3,4

Stress reduction5 Reduced anxiety,6 depression and symptoms of post-traumatic stress by inhibiting cortisol production7,8,9 and inhibiting the fight or flight response in your amygdala Pain relief10 Increased creativity11 Deepened meditative state Reduced inflammation Addiction relief Improved sleep Mood enhancement12 Athletic performance enhancement by speeding up the elimination of lactic acid Improvements in chronic fatigue and symptoms associated with burnout13

According to a 2014 study,14 sensory deprivation treatment in a flotation tank “has beneficial effects on relatively healthy participants” and could have value as preventive health care by lowering depression and anxiety. According to the authors:

“Stress, depression, anxiety, and worst pain were significantly decreased whereas optimism and sleep quality significantly increased for the flotation-REST [restricted environmental stimulation therapy] group. No significant results for the control group were seen. There was also a significant correlation between mindfulness in daily life and degree of altered states of consciousness during the relaxation in the flotation tank.

The Benefits of Silence

While it’s difficult to tease out exactly what it is about flotation therapy that causes these effects, silence alone is known to have very similar benefits. According to Psych Central, spending time in complete silence has been shown to produce physiological changes, including:15

Lower blood pressure

Improved immune function

Increased cognitive function

Decreased stress

Improved hormone regulation

Silence also promotes emotional and psychological benefits, such as:

Increased creativity

Self-awareness and gratitude

Self-observation and self-reflection that leads to self-improvement

Spiritual connection

Improved sleep

Clearly, it doesn’t get a lot quieter than floating in a sensory deprivation tank for an hour. Another option might be to join a silent retreat, where you spend anywhere from a couple to 10 days in complete silence.16

Flotation Therapy in the Treatment of Brain Injuries

Flotation therapy can also be enormously beneficial in the treatment of traumatic brain injuries (TBIs). Dr. Dan Engle, who is board-certified in adult psychology and neurology, discusses this and other techniques in his book, “The Concussion Repair Manual: A Practical Guide to Recovering From Traumatic Brain Injuries.” According to Engle, whom I’ve interviewed on this topic:

“Flotation therapy is on the front line of many different recovery and regenerative medicine protocols, because it has the opportunity to reset so many different systems.

When somebody drops into a float tank … it’s essentially the first time since they were conceived that they’re without environmental stimuli … There’s no gravity; there’s no appropriate [sensory] reception … Everything is offline, so to speak.

Eighty percent of what the brain is consistently bringing in is environmental stimuli. Now, there’s more energy toward the recuperative mechanisms.

It’s both a brain technology and a consciousness technology, because … [the] flotation tank [experience] is like meditation on steroids. If somebody’s using [for] recuperative and regenerative [purposes], they may well find more peace in their lives outside of the tank as well … because it starts to reset the neuroendocrine system.

Cortisol levels normalize. Global inflammatory markers normalize. Blood pressure normalizes. The relationship between the brain and the endocrine or the hormonal systems starts to optimize …”

For those recuperating from a TBI, Engle recommends doing a series of eight to 10 floating sessions within a three- to four-week period. By the end of that series, you should notice significant improvement in your symptoms. You may also find yourself more at ease in general, sensing a better “flow” in your life. For maintenance, do one or two sessions per month.

Flotation Therapy for Stress-Related Muscle Pain

Speaking of dosage, a study17 designed to evaluate the effectiveness of 12 versus 33 sessions for stress-related ailments such as muscle pain and tension found that, from a subjective perspective, maximum results were obtained after 12 sessions. In fact, no additional improvements were found after 33 sessions. According to the authors:

“A similar pattern was observed concerning the stress-related psychological variables: experienced stress, anxiety, depression, negative affectivity, dispositional optimism and sleep quality.

For blood pressure, no effects were observed after 12 sessions, but there was a significant lower level for diastolic blood pressure after 33 sessions. The present study highlighted the importance of finding suitable complementary treatments in order to make further progress after the initial 12 sessions.”

Altered States of Consciousness May Impact Pain and Stress Thresholds

Aside from the effects of silence and the regenerative effects of resetting the neuroendocrine system, flotation therapy18 also appears to impact your physiology through the induction of an altered state of consciousness. A study19 investigating this aspect was published in 2004.

Twenty-three athletes underwent two sensory deprivation sessions, one in a flotation tank and the other in a sensory deprivation chamber. In the latter, you simply lie on a bed in a soundproof, completely darkened room. Immediately following each of the sessions, the participants’ pain threshold was measured by inflating a blood pressure cuff on one arm.

The degree of altered states of consciousness of each participant was also measured using an instrument capable of “assessing experienced deviation from normal state.” As one might suspect, participants experienced far greater alterations in consciousness in the flotation tank than in the dark, soundproof chamber.

Curiously enough, higher alterations in consciousness were found to correlate with higher levels of experienced pain and stress. According to the authors:

“These results suggest that the particular distinguishing features of flotation-REST and chamber-REST may cause selective deviations from normal levels of consciousness … that may underlie the subjective experience of pain and stress thresholds.”

A later study20 found that people who are more emotionally sensitive and more prone to anxiety and self-absorption were significantly more likely to experience altered states of consciousness or so-called mystical states during flotation therapy than less sensitive individuals.

Meditative States Protect and Improve Health

Overall, meditation has been shown to have significant health benefits, so it’s not so surprising that flotation therapy would have similar effects. Many of these benefits could be said to be a byproduct of stress reduction. Stress is a well-recognized culprit that can promote ill health across the board, and the ability of meditation to quell stress is an important health benefit.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University published a study in 2015 claiming they’d found the biological mechanism by which mindfulness affects physical health. In a nutshell, meditation impacts your biology and physical health via “stress reduction pathways” in your brain. As explained in the press release:21

“When an individual experiences stress, activity in the prefrontal cortex — responsible for conscious thinking and planning — decreases, while activity in the amygdala, hypothalamus and anterior cingulate cortex — regions that quickly activate the body’s stress response — increases.

Studies have suggested that mindfulness reverses these patterns during stress; it increases prefrontal activity, which can regulate and turn down the biological stress response.

Excessive activation of the biological stress response increases the risk of diseases impacted by stress (like depression, HIV and heart disease). By reducing individuals’ experiences of stress, mindfulness may help regulate the physical stress response and ultimately reduce the risk and severity of stress-related diseases.”

Such effects may explain why meditation can help to relieve stress-related diseases such as:

High blood pressure

Chronic pain, including headaches

Respiratory problems such as emphysema and asthma

Sleep disturbances and fatigue

Gastrointestinal distress and irritable bowel syndrome

Skin disorders

Mild depression and premenstrual syndrome (PMS)

Meditation can also have a distinct impact on gene expression. For example, researchers at the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine22 have sought to quantify the benefits of the relaxation response by assessing gene expression before and after meditation, and have compared effects of short- and long-term meditation routines.

Among their findings, they discovered that meditation has anti-inflammatory effects. In one study,23 participants who participated in an eight-week meditation program, as well as longer-term meditators, saw increases in antioxidant production, telomerase activity and oxidative stress.

One theory is that NF-kappa B genes may act as messengers between psychological and physical stress, thereby causing your body to translate worry into inflammation. What’s more, there appears to be a dose-dependent relationship at play, so the greater the relaxation response, the greater the optimization of genes and the greater the anti-inflammatory effects.

Flotation therapy induces tremendous physical and mental relaxation, allowing for the experience of basically being bodiless, and this deep relaxation may well be part and parcel of how it reduces anxiety, pain and inflammation.

Magnesium Augmentation

Perhaps one of the least appreciated aspects of flotation tanks is that it likely increases your magnesium levels, and since over 80 percent of the public is deficient in magnesium, this is a great side benefit since you are floating in a half-ton of Epsom salt.

In fact, this aspect of float tanks has intrigued me enough to consider getting one, as I, like many people, have a hard time getting my magnesium levels high enough. It’s a major challenge to increase magnesium by oral supplementation without causing loose stools.

If anyone has been using a float tank and performed pre- and post-RBC magnesium levels, please leave your experience in the comments below as it is difficult to find documentation on this aspect of flotation therapy.

Sources and References:

1, 2 Men’s Health February 5, 2018

3 Bulletproof May 11, 2018

4 Washington Post January 21, 2018

5, 12, 13 Psychology and Health June 2005; 20(3): 405-412 (PDF)

6 European Journal of Integrative Medicine June 2017; 12: 53-59

7 Bending and Mending the Neurosignature (PDF)

8 International Journal of Stress Management 2006; 13(2): 154-175

9 Open Journal of Medical Psychology 2013; 2(3) Article ID: 34022

10, 17 Social Behavior and Personality: An international journal, 2007; 35(2):143-156

11 Music and Medicine May 6, 2011 (PDF)

14 BMC Complement Altern Med. 2014 Oct 25;14:417

15 Psych Central, Hidden Benefits of Silence

16 Goop.com Vipassana Meditation

18 Sensory Deprivation Therapy FAQ

19 Social Behavior and Personality 2004; 32(2): 103-116

20 Social Behavior and Personality 2014; 42(9): 1495-1506

21 Eurekalert February 12, 2015

22 Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine

23 PLOS One DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0002576

Recommended articles by Dr. Joseph Mercola:

Ninety Percent of Sea Salt Contains Plastic

The Monsanto Papers – Secret Tactics and Corrupted Science

Cancer, DNA Damage, Cellphones and 5G — What You Need to Know

How LED Lighting May Compromise Your Health

Magic Mushrooms May Hold Key to Long-Term Relief from Anxiety and Depression

Medical Errors: Still the Third Leading Cause of Death

Scientific Links Between Processed Foods and Depression

How Sugar Harms Your Brain Health and Drives Alzheimer’s Epidemic

Is Most Back Pain Caused by Repressed Emotions?

Confirmed: Artificial Sweeteners Make You Fat and Sick

Glyphosate is Clearly Carcinogenic – and Monsanto Hid The Evidence

Visit Mercola.com for more information, or read Dr. Mercola’s full bio and resumé here.

#anxiety #depression #floation therapy #inflammation #mercola #Medicine + Health

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jakehglover · 6 years

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Flotation Therapy — Health Benefits of Sensory Deprivation

youtube

By Dr. Mercola

“Float devotees include celebrities like Steph Curry and Joe Rogan, who have promoted it as a post-workout recovery tool and a way to reduce muscle soreness.

Health Benefits of Flotation Therapy

As noted in the video above, flotation therapy has been linked to an array of beneficial effects, including:3,4

Stress reduction5

Reduced anxiety,6depression and symptoms of post-traumatic stress by inhibiting cortisol production7,8,9 and inhibiting the fight or flight response in your amygdala

Pain relief10

Increased creativity11

Deepened meditative state

Reduced inflammation

Addiction relief

Improved sleep

Mood enhancement12

Athletic performance enhancement by speeding up the elimination of lactic acid

Improvements in chronic fatigue and symptoms associated with burnout13

The Benefits of Silence

Lower blood pressure

Improved immune function

Increased cognitive function

Decreased stress

Improved hormone regulation

Silence also promotes emotional and psychological benefits, such as:

Increased creativity

Self-awareness and gratitude

Self-observation and self-reflection that leads to self-improvement

Spiritual connection

Improved sleep

Flotation Therapy in the Treatment of Brain Injuries

“Flotation therapy is on the front line of many different recovery and regenerative medicine protocols, because it has the opportunity to reset so many different systems.

Eighty percent of what the brain is consistently bringing in is environmental stimuli. Now, there’s more energy toward the recuperative mechanisms.

Cortisol levels normalize. Global inflammatory markers normalize. Blood pressure normalizes. The relationship between the brain and the endocrine or the hormonal systems starts to optimize …”

Flotation Therapy for Stress-Related Muscle Pain

“A similar pattern was observed concerning the stress-related psychological variables: experienced stress, anxiety, depression, negative affectivity, dispositional optimism and sleep quality.

Altered States of Consciousness May Impact Pain and Stress Thresholds

Curiously enough, higher alterations in consciousness were found to correlate with higher levels of experienced pain and stress. According to the authors:

Meditative States Protect and Improve Health

Studies have suggested that mindfulness reverses these patterns during stress; it increases prefrontal activity, which can regulate and turn down the biological stress response.

Excessive activation of the biological stress response increases the risk of diseases impacted by stress (like depression, HIV and heart disease). By reducing individuals' experiences of stress, mindfulness may help regulate the physical stress response and ultimately reduce the risk and severity of stress-related diseases.”

Such effects may explain why meditation can help to relieve stress-related diseases such as:

High blood pressure

Chronic pain, including headaches

Respiratory problems such as emphysema and asthma

Sleep disturbances and fatigue

Gastrointestinal distress and irritable bowel syndrome

Skin disorders

Mild depression and premenstrual syndrome (PMS)

Magnesium Augmentation

Perhaps one of the least appreciated aspects of floatation tanks is that it likely increases your magnesium levels, and since over 80 percent of the public is deficient in magnesium, this is a great side benefit since you are floating in a half-ton of Epsom salt.

from HealthyLife via Jake Glover on Inoreader http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2018/10/11/flotation-therapy.aspx

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warriorprincesslife-blog · 7 years

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Maybe life can get better?

Hi guys

I’ve been seeing a therapist recently. I was reassessed with my mental health issues last October. Turns out that for over a decade I was misdiagnosed as bipolar, when in actual fact, I was suffering with BPD or more commonly known as Borderline Personality Disorder. Turns out this illness is caused by forms of abuse. Since childhood, I’d been emotionally, physically and sexually abused by all sorts of people who came into my life.

After years and years, I was finally worn down. I hated myself. I binge ate constantly. I went from 12 stone to 17 stone. I was obese throughout all of my twenties. In the beginning, I used to rebel and kick off back at those who attacked me. But as I got older, I learned that there was no point rebelling, because nothing ever changed and people just started making out I was crazy, over sensitive, over emotional and lost the plot. I then became very passive and tried not to talk in front of certain people who had a go at me, because any time I did, they had a go at me even more.

So basically, in October, with my new diagnosis, I was referred to a new specialised type of therapy. I’ve been seeing my therapist for a few months now. I’ve been off anti-depressants since October and being doing well. Even after I stopped contact with my family, I managed to get through it without them. It’s the first time I’ve been off them since I was 17 years old. So I felt proud of myself for a change. In my last two sessions, I’ve felt a large change in me. I feel less anxious. My brain is racing thoughts less often. I feel calmer. My memory seems to be getting better as it’s been terrible for years. And better than anything, I feel happier and more content.

In my last session, I wrote a letter to myself and read it to my therapist. I broke down in tears as I apologised to myself for not looking after myself all those years, as I thought trying to make others proud of me by doing loads for them was more important. I was wrong. I walked out that day feeling so relieved.

I have one more session in two weeks, to see how I’m getting on and then that will probably be the last one.

For the first time in my life, I’m feeling confident about my life and future. I’ve been gardening and even planned out with my partner, to show how we’d like it. I always hated gardening, but now I find it peaceful and relaxing. It’s like a dream. It’s a hope for the future.

I gave up on hopes of a career years ago as I was made to believe that I was too broken to ever expect to hold down a decent job. This year, I've been researching how to become a community psychiatric nurse. I've found out I can do a one year course at college followed by a 3 year degree at university. So I've been to the college open day and I have a uni open day on Friday. I'm actually really excited. I was really good at school, so I believe I have a chance at getting qualified.

So much in my life has changed! The best part of my life is my partner! If he hadn't come into my life, I would still be believing that it was ok to be treated badly as though it was normal. He opened up my eyes and my mind and helped reawaken that excited child that loved learning, smiling and didn't care what the world threw at her. She's coming back! In September, this relationship will be my longest. I've been with my fella 2 and a half years at the end of July. I've only ever had two relationships that have lasted longer than 6 months. This one has been the one relationship that saved my life! I just never realised how much he would change my life! I just wish I knew the words to say how much I love and thank him for loving me the way that he does! xxx

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teenvag · 7 years

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RnBass Interview: Meet Music Producer & Programmer For The Grammy Museum – Bam Keith

Brandon Keith Thomas known by his stage name Bam Keith (formerly BamAnakin) is a music producer with The Grammy Museum. In this role, Bam Keith manages a team named WAA (We Are Art formed in 2012) in all aspects of music, including production, writing and promotion.

Bam is no stranger to music production, having spent 14 years as a musician and a technological enthusiast, where he played drums in jazz band, piano and organ at churches, won competitions for band and practiced on his old computer on music production religiously. In this role, Bam was responsible for teaching improvisation skills, handing out homework and music theory.

It’s safe to say Bam Keith has his share of experience in music production. RnBass.com recently caught up with the Grammy producer, where talked about his music process, influences, future goals and much more.

Are you working on new music? When do we get to hear it?

New Music with George Watsky –he’s releasing it through kisswatskysgluteusmaximus.com with a video to the song “Don’t Be Nice” and full album on itunes after that.

Tell me about the Keith Kit. How did you come up with this idea?

“I think first what happened was I have a number of samples that I like to use. Drum samples, things I’ve recorded before – a capellas, things like that. I always save things in one folder you know? And I use it over and over. Then I thought – what if I share this? Even though I’ve been working for the GRAMMYs since I was 18 no one really knew me in my own city so this really helped me grow locally. I’m currently working on a piano kit for release this spring.

Tell us about your affiliation with the GRAMMY committee.

When I was going through my crazy phase in high school I had been evicted from houses and was moving house to house. I was 16, my arts coordinator at school Mr. Kelly, Robert Kelly (no relation,) he had noticed I was going through a hard time and he asked me “what’s been going on.” He said how bout this, ‘meet me in my office every day at 12pm no matter what.’ So I met him in the classroom the first day, and he has a drum set in the office and a camcorder in there. He says ‘I want you to play the drums for me.’ The next day he had a keyboard in there and asked me to do the same thing. We did this for about a week straight. The whole time he had a connection to a man I work under now called Bob Santelli, executive director of the GRAMMY museum. Mr. Kelly sent all the videos to him and they got me in to a program called the Music Revolution Program. That class taught me everything there is to know about songwriting. I wrote metal songs, country songs, hip-hop songs, r&b songs – I wrote everything, two songs a week and we had to perform it all. From there I get a phone call about 2 months later and it was them asking if I wanted to work for them and teach.

Do you have any other passions?

Lately, I’ve been looking in to fashion. It was never something I thought I could do but I’ve started getting compliments lately. I grew my hair out and kind of found my style. As a producer image is important. So maybe I’ll start getting in to that.

How long have you considered yourself a full time musician?

The very first thing that I’d done in music even before jobs is, um, rap. I wanted to rap because when I was 7 years old back in 2002 8 mile released! I wrote my first rap and then 5 more raps in one day. I was writing all these raps and I memorized them. I was like ‘oh I can actually do this.’ The next year I started to play drums. I never figured I could rap and play drums like, you know, Anderson Paak does.

{ Pearl is Live }

A post shared by Bam Keith (@bamkeith) on Jun 12, 2015 at 6:57pm PDT

Do you think record labels are necessary these days?

To answer that question with accuracy I think it depends on how much experience and how much studying that you do as far as the music industry goes. I know some people think they can just create a song and send it to somebody and blow up. They don’t even know what ASCAP and BMI are. I think for those people they really don’t know but if they have a passion for something like singing, they need a record label. A Chance, a Macklemore, even a Jay-Z. We never talk about how he started Rocafella with Dame and he just kinda had his own thing the whole time. People like that obviously studied. They wanted to be something other than just a rapper for themselves. So yeah, some people don’t need a record label.

Favorite place you’ve performed/tour stop?

I played at the Hard Rock in Tampa, FloridaT that was amazing. I played with a group called the Reese brothers. One plays drums, plays bass, and sings all at the same time. The other one plays guitar and sings and they wanted me to play with them. My other place is in actually in Lawrence, Kansas called The Grenada. Best sound in the world to me. It’s the best sound experience. Their live engineer, yeah.

What was your best experience in the last year?

Oh yea, I would say when I met swizz beats. Having a studio session with him was, like, amazing.

What’s been your biggest holy sh** moment yet?

Maybe even, well it was the same day actually. To be honest with you a nerd like me who looks up all of the people in the background as far as engineers and all that – when I got to have a private lesson with Bob Power. That was amazing to me, it was the same exact day as when I met Swizz Beats.

Who’s been your favorite artist you’ve collaborated with?

Kutty Bear from Kansas city. That dude is insane. Its really insane, he’s a rapper but I don’t even like to call him that, he’s really an artist. He’s figured out ways to rhyme in multi syllabic ways like Eminem or Kendrick Lamar you know? And he realizes the importance of songwriting. When he features he realizes the importance of team work. And even on the same level Apollo – he’s really fun and he truly knows how to ride on the beat. Kutty Bear just released an album too! Bear Chronicles 5 check it out I do have some production on it.

Brag a little bit, who have you worked with / performed with? All Star Lineup.

Okay well um Nick Cooper (vocal coach for Bey and Rih) he’s great and Zendaya. I actually put her through a whole artist development program. Her and Pia Mia. I actually got a chance to record Pia Mia and be her engineer for a little while. Of course George Watsky and then theres G Watts, hes local in Kansas City but he’s known for his song with Kendrick Lamar. So executive producing his whole album, Caviar, to be released soon. Oh and you know what? I ran in to the Game last year and we had a really interesting conversation. It seems like he wants to use me. You know for him to take time out and call me again was cool. Will we ever hear a solo project from you? Oh wow – you know what? My first album will be a dual album that I’ve talked about with Kutty Bear. You know I’m 23 right now and we plan to put it out before either of us turns 25. 25 is a really important age for us you know people that we’ve known that didn’t make it past 25. On the college dropout you know “We wasn’t sposed to make It past 25, jokes on you we still alive” you know 25 really relates to us. So yeah dual album called Chaos. A part 2 to an album he released back in high school called Peace. So Chaos is actually an acronym it stands for Cold Hearted And Out Spoken. Kutty he’s a genius with acronyms. We plan to make it on par with Watch The Throne.

What’s your creative process?

Usually I’ll start beatboxing and never notice it. I don’t even notice myself beatboxing until like 5 minutes from then and I’ll be like ‘oh what was I just doing?’ Then I beat box again and I’ll be like ‘oh me lay this down.’ So I find some drums that I like and the sounds that I like and I lay that down. It usually starts with the drums or it will start with the harmonies sometimes. Sometimes I sing – just like with the drums I’ll be humming and then I’ll be like ‘oh what is that I was just humming? I don’t think that’s a song I think it’s something my brain made up’ and im like okay – I’ll go lay it down. But what I like to do the most – I have a neurological phenomenon. Well it’s a neurological thing they call Synesthesia so I see colors with music. So really any color that’s not in the correct harmony will look bad to me. So that’s how I make my music. Like, I’ll see a color like it might be like a dark blue or purple-ish color and what I think would look good with that is a teal color maybe or something. It depends on the sound or the chord that makes something for me. Its weird but uh, yeah.

Any idols? influences?

Jay Z. Pharell Williams, the one I want to be better than as far as making hits. Kendrick Lamar for his depth. And then I look at Deadmau5 a lot. And the last one would be Katranayda. He’s a producer but he released an album.

Anything you would like to say to our audience?

I want to let them know that I will be releasing a drum video soon to one of my favorite songs. It will be Alyiah “Rock The Boat” drum cover. I’ve been working on it practicing on it. GoPro actually endorsed me last year so they’ve given me a bunch of cameras to attach to my drums and I’ll be releasing that

through them.

Fun playing live with you all ! (Postcard LP)

A post shared by Bam Keith (@bamkeith) on Jun 3, 2015 at 6:41pm PDT

The post RnBass Interview: Meet Music Producer & Programmer For The Grammy Museum – Bam Keith appeared first on RnBass.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2kN6eGY via r&b music

#Interviews #Bam Keith #interviews #producer #rnbass

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katechattingshit · 7 years

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Oxymoron - or just a moron.

Hi, my name is Kate and I am useless with keeping up with certain projects because my brain is everywhere and fancy myself Wonder Woman when I am not feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world. So I take on about 50 projects at once when I’m manic, then when the darkness ensues (as it so often does) the projects stop… Sorry it’s been so long.

*insert here stereotypical group therapy session response “Hi Kate”*

I haven’t written a blog post, or anything for that matter in a while. Why is this? Well, for various reasons I guess, firstly like stated above I am useless. Along with that I have been focusing more on my art than my writing as I have found that more therapeutic recently.

So, let’s get up to speed on the last lot of months - it’s been a doozy kids. Let’s just not beat around the bush, straight up, to the point, cut to the chase - the last 6 months have been fucking shit. There, that’s pretty much the jist of it folks. It’s been a blur of nothing, medications, medical visits, tears, booze, drawing, stitching, loneliness and Netflix.

Jump cut back to October, this was really the climax… actually I don’t want to use that word because I like to associate it with good feelings, lets say it was the pinnacle of my mental breakdown. I wanted it all to go away. I was the most certain of I have ever been that I did not want to continue on this roller coaster journey we call life. I genuinely believed, and still to some extent believe, that Friday 7th October 2016 was my time to go. I should have died. I was calm, peaceful, the most calm and peaceful I have probably ever felt and will probably ever feel. I was done. I was ready. Ready for nothing. Pitch black. The bright light. The pearly white gates and show Thomas my hands - if he asks. The burning flames. God. Satan. Jesus. Morgan Freeman. Whoopi Goldberg. David Bowie. Whatever/whoever was waiting for me. I was ready.

I overdosed on 54 500mg of paracetamol washed down with Jose Cuervo. I wrote a very short note on a pink post-it telling my family not to feel sad, that was going to a better place, that I was finally happy. I went back up to my bedroom, put on my favourite episode of Gilmore Girls and went to sleep.

It has been 4 months since this night and every single day since I have struggled with the fact I did not pass away in my sleep after I peacefully, happily closed my eyes. I struggle with this for a lot reasons, some illogically and I can’t really explain to those of you who have never experienced it themselves (but of course being forever verbal diarrhoea stricken - I’ll try). I guess the more help I get the happier I am that I am still alive. I’m glad that I wasn’t leaving my family and friends with all that pain - awful pain I have known myself after losing someone I once loved to suicide. I’m grateful to some extent that I have the potential/hope to live a happy fulfilled life one day. All these things are great to the average soul, it’s a miracle, a blessing I am still walking on this earth. Yet I still wake up most days, remembering that feeling I had when I took those pills and went to bed. I yearn for that peaceful contentedness. I feel robbed of what I believed was my time. It’s a very conflicting head space to be in, I battle with my own thoughts everyday. I’m glad I am still here, yet I still wish I wasn’t. I am a walking oxymoron - or just a moron.

Since leaving hospital, I have seen what feels like 100s of medical ‘professionals’, had a smorgasbord of medications, been put on waiting lists, and spent many a day and night alone with my dark sad thoughts with no real light at the end of the tunnel or real professional guidance of yet. The NHS is a great service - don’t get me wrong, we as a nation are very lucky to have such a service for free. They’ve be amazing with me with various health issues over the last decade, but the mental health services are underfunded and slow. I am yet to find the right meds - which I guess isn’t the NHS’ fault that’s just because it’s a game of drug Russian roulette, but I am yet to have a proper therapist and course of treatment and could have to wait up to a year to receive these.

This leaves me in a little bit of a tizzy. I am sitting with no real ball rolling to get me to a point where I can again go back to functioning like a ‘normal’ human being (let’s be frank I wasn’t exactly normal before my mental health issues) I NEED HELP. SOME POINT. SOON. PLEASE. I like to trick myself and others into thinking I’m fucking fabulous. Which I can really be, but I need the fudging help to get my life back on course again. However, right now I am sad, tired and exhausted of dead ends and let downs.

So folks, now we/I wait. Or begrudgely my family and I spend a fuck ton of money on going to a private rehab (Pffft, like I’m some coked up celeb and not the loser from Ashford I am in reality, just call me Britney, bitch) but it’s obscene and almost criminal how much they charge, but if it is faster and get’s me better, is it worth the money? At the end of the day it’s just money. What better do I have to spend it on than my own health and sanity?! (…well pizza, gig tickets, wine, clothes and art supplies- duh.)

No, but seriously though… This makes my head and soul hurt. The world we live in screws with my head. What to do? What to do?! To pay or not to pay?! That is the question. Do I have the time, patience and strength to wait?!

Right now though, I wait. Make pro/con lists. Take the medication I’m currently pumping into my body (at least this one isn’t making me fat like the last). Answer the same questions I have for the last 8 months to the people are paid to listen to me whinge and whine. And avidly avoid the world by watching Gilmore Girls, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Girls and Sex and the City over and over because they are the only sense of stability I have in my life right now.

Ugh. Let’s hope the rock stops gathering moss soon.

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