if I were you, I'd be throwing up
TW: depictions of gender dysphoria
TLDR: Quackity has a rough day at work.
(title from "If I were you, I'd be throwing up" by crywank)
It had been a long day.
An extremely long one.
Quackity had been at work since 5 A.M., and was exhausted. All morning he had been called “ma’am”, “miss”, and “young lady.” All he wanted was to rip off his binder, take a scalding hot shower, put on one of his boyfriends shirts, and crawl back into bed with them.
He sauntered through the dimly lit halls, closing himself into the bathroom. He quietly flicked on the light, removing his clothing as he made his way over to the shower.
He did his absolute best to stay focused, to not indulge. But the flash of color in the mirror to his left caught his attention.
He glanced over, eyeing over his figure, He was slim, but still had meat on his bones. He had prominent collar bones and wide shoulders. But what really caught his eyes were the mounds of fat hung off his chest. His wide hips, the thin waist, the rounded shape of his face, his almost too long hair that he’d been too lazy to cut. The way his groin was completely flat, the way his thighs were far too big, the way stretch marks adorned the inner sides of them. All of it was not what he wanted it to be.
Too feminine. Too womanly.
Don’t even get him started on his voice or mannerisms.
It’s no wonder he got misgendered at work all the time. He’d think that same thing if he didn’t already know himself.
He tore his eyes away from the offensive imagery, option to look back at the shower. He bit his lip harshly at the thought of having to continue being without his clothes for the next while. The thought of his body just being out there made him sick.
Begrudgingly, he climbed into the shower anyway. He didn’t take his time. He scrubbed rough and ruthlessly, rinsing off with water that was too hot to be good for his delicate skin. He ripped through his routine with haste, climbing out and drying off as quickly as his stiff and tired body would allow.
As he looked around, he realized he hadn’t thought to bring any clothes into the bathroom with him. Which means he’d have to walk out in just his towel.
The thought made his eyes water, his face scrunch, and his shoulders close in on him.
He took a deep, steadying breathe, and decided that he just needed to get this the fuck over with.
He whipped open the bathroom door with as much speed and stealth as he could muster, before stalking over to the shared bedroom where he was sure his boyfriends were sleeping. He paused in front of the door, looking down to make sure that the towel covered his entire body. He had it wrapped around himself almost like a blanket, covering all the areas he deems unworthy of being seen or perceived.
With one final once over, he slowly and cautiously inched the door open, tiptoeing over to their large closet, He grabbed down a black t-shirt with some emo band on it that Sapnap would rave about every once in a while, and a pair of boxers that comfortably hugged his frame, but not too tight to be overbearing. He also grabbed his back up binder- the one he saved for really dysphoric days.
After he’d grabbed what he backed out of the small room, and gently closed the door. He scurried back to the bathroom to reassemble himself, not even sparing a glance at his boyfriends.
He hurriedly pulled on his binder, throwing on the shirt over it. He relished in the way his chest flattened out, in the familiar pressure that provided him endless amounts of euphoria.
What he didn’t like though, was the aching, stabbing pain that accompanied it. But this was what he had to do if he wanted to be a real man, if he wanted to be seen as what he wished he was.
He trudged back over to the bedroom, carefully surveying the scene in front of him.
It was only around 11 A.M., so his boys were still fast asleep. They were curled up around each other, Sapnap’s mouth was open slightly, small huffs of air being pulled in and out of it. Karl’s eyes were barely open, peeking over at the ravenette with a small smile.
“Hey pretty boy. Want to join us?” Karl whispered sleepily, moving over to the side a bit to make room for him in between himself and Sap.
Quackity smiled, his heart fluttering with adoration.
He climbed his way in between the two, and despite his best efforts to move slowly, Subpoena still stirred.
“Mmmh? Q, that you?” He grumbled, his tired eyes fluttering for a second before resting on his lover’s. “Hi sweetheart. How’s work?”
Quackity smiled at him, laying down and pulling the two closer to him. “It was work,” he mumbled. “Nothing new, haha.”
Karl leaned over Quackity, looking at him thoughtfully.
“What’s wrong, bub?” He whispered, cupping his face gently.
Quackity stared up at Karl, blinking at him warily.
“What do you mean? I’m fine.” He stated matter of factly, glancing over at Sapnap for some backup. But he only stared back with the same knowing look Karl was giving him.
Quackity looked back at the brunette above him, feeling as his hand trailed down his face, touching his neck, before brushing just under the collar of his shirt. He knew that Karl had felt his binder. He knew that they noticed it. He knew that they probably would before he even had the chance to settle in.
He instinctively recoiled, blinking his eyes rapidly to clear his blotchy vision. Karl’s stare softened, and both his hands came back to hold his face. His thumbs rubbed across his cheekbones, the feeling of wetness being smeared surprising him. He hadn’t even realized he’d started crying.
“Q, it’s okay to tell us when you’re having a bad day.” Karl whispered lovingly, his thumbs still running gently across his face.
Sapnap came into his view, “Yeah, we want to be here babe. All you have to do is say the word and we’ll do it, you know that.” He whispered, his tone filled with concern.
At that, Quackity let out a whimper, his eyes clenching close as he hunched in on himself again.
“But I’m fine! Literally nothing even happened today-”
Karl abruptly cut him off, his eyebrows furrowing. “Hun, if that were true, you would be wearing this,” he looked down at his chest emphatically, hinting at his way too tight binder.
“And you know that it isn’t healthy, especially after you worked a six hour shift with it on.” Sapnap piped up, running a hand through his hair gently.
Quackity looked between the two, at a loss for words. He was scared and tired and in pain. He didn’t know what to do.
Sapnap sighed, sitting up from where he was originally laying. “How about this; we take off the binder, and then you can be in the middle while me and Karl sandwich you. We can even kiss a little,” he winked.
Quackity gave a small smile in response, nodding his head.
“Good. Now come here sugar.” Karl gave a wide grin, yanking Quackity into his arms. He leaned over, beginning to plant copious amounts of kisses all over his face.
Sapnap joined in, kissing on his neck and shoulders. He then lightly shoved Karl off the giggling boy, aiding him in taking his shirt off.
“Is this okay, handsome?” Sapnap purred playfully, tracing his fingers along the edge of his binder.
Quackity glanced between the two, drawing his lip in between his teeth. “But, then I won’t look like a boy anymore.”
“Oh bub, is that’s what’s bothering you?” Sapnap said sympathetically. “You could have just said that, you dork.” He smiled, planting a kiss on his forehead.
“Yeah, pretty boy. How could we ever see you as anything else? I mean, look at your big, masculine shoulders! Your strong jaw, your manly eyes, the way your mullet makes you look so boyish.” Karl giggled, running his hands all over him to emphasize his point.
“We could never see you as anything less. You’re our boy. Our sweet, manly, goofy boyfriend.” Sapnap leaned in and gently kissed him on his lips. Karl leaned in to plant more kisses along his jawline.
“Really? Because I sound so girly and my hips and waist scream ‘woman’ and everyone who doesn’t know me just thinks I’m a girl and-”
Karl cut him off with another kiss to his lips, effectively silencing him. “Shh, love. Those are people who don’t matter. What matters is how you see yourself, and those you care about see you. Don’t worry about some stranger you’ll never see again.” He smiled, running a soothing hand through his hair once again.
“I… I guess you’re right. But just go slow, okay?” He whispered, nervousness seeping through him.
Sapnap nodded, carefully tucking his fingers under the band around his ribs. He gave it a gentle tug, while Karl guided his arms up. He pulled the tight fabric up from around his torso, over his arms and shoulders, before tossing it onto the floor. He grinned at Quackity.
They absolutely loved how Q looked. Loved his curves, the marks, the way he got anxious at the idea of being vulnerable but trusted them with these kinds of things anyway.
Sapnap leaned down, trailing kisses over his collar bone. “Is this okay, duckling?” he whispered, getting a curt nod in response. He trailed his kisses down, showering his supposedly ‘unworthy; and ‘feminine’ body with adoration and affection. Karl followed suite, continuing his kissing on Quackity’s face.
“We love you, pretty boy” Karl mumbled in between kisses. “So much.”
“So,” kiss, “so,” kiss, “very,” kiss, “much.” Sapnap let out a hearty laugh, curling himself into the boy comfortingly.
“I love you guys, too.” Quackity beamed, eyes falling shut in contentment.
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Vargas IX, now with touch screen capabilities! (1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8)
That’s what it says on the tin....right?
And that’s what we like about him
He wins Rudest, 20th year in a row!
No Russian endearments, this is bullying >:0
Can you tell I was out and about lol, all I had were kids menu crayons and he still turned out cute <3
Their bunnies! It really is lucky that their colours are easy to find in crayons haha
Some vent :( They are always good for it ♥
Don’t want closeness, the hurt is too overwhelming to even touch
Always bothering him when he’s trying to sleep
That could be taken a lot of different ways honestly. Edgar just so done haha
Ahh, that way ♪ I like how the blanket pulled over his head turned out haha, that won’t muffle him at all!
Return of the Style Challenge! An Edgar off the heels of my KoiBo studies, extra hair floof ♫
A quick and silly Fairy!Edgar as a spacefiller; had a glimpse of an AU idea after rewatching Ferngully lol, Zak looks a bit like Jake I think
I actually doodled this one last year but didn’t scan it in until recently :0 - I’d planned to turn it into a minicomic but the page got away from me and turned into something else unrelated haha
Uh oh, Nny brainrot, here it comes
As if he would be worried~
God can’t save me now ♪ Your Boyfriend gives me so many Nny ideas, how dare <3 This song was already Edgar’s (so much) but now it’s his too! How dare!!
More ideas from that^ video, what’s a bit of casual dismemberment intention among friends
That felt-tip makes him twitchy
Uh oh
His nails are so sharp he barely needs to grip to pierce flesh
That was very on-purpose though. His harsh word bubbles really are fun to draw, like they're bolted and nailed together ♪
Poor Edgar :( Not that this would've ended well for him either way, but it's not like he was trying to make it worse! Though, this is probably better, maybe
Ew, gross >:|
Probably nothing that would de-escalate, so. No.
Kinda free-bleeding over here, ow, please stop :(
Oddly gentle touch, considering the literal blood on his hands
Just gonna lightly dig around in your arm, don't worry about it. He's really barely touching him, blood giving his fingertips a smooth glide
He tapped back into his mind and got a bit stuck there, words kinda sorta. Surprisingly it’s not that comforting!
Scriabin is not having a fun day :( Edgar, no, stop excusing him!
"Why did I do that??" Maybe something to do with a waste-lock? :3c
Haha, as soon as they're directly out of danger, Scriabin's right back to sassing him, not so scared or small now huh
"Since you have a habit of collecting scars from him. Stop that, by the way."
Drawing his arm bandaged was just too fun! Bleeding through it, poor lad <3
More missing words, he meant to ask "What are you reading?" but Edgar told him anyway haha. Founder of the modern-day emoticon!
Sad Edgar for some comfort doodles <3 Seems backwards sometimes lol, but if it works!
"Pay attention to me instead of whatever's making you upset." Poor thing, even Scriabin just coming up to him makes him jump
Kisses <3 I really like the one of Edgar trying to dodge him hehe, no kiss! Yes kiss
Always a surprise, somehow
Something nice?? Who is this??? It was all a trick and ploy, don't flatter yourself >:0
Haha, the original Extremely scuffed doodle for this year's personal Vargasversary - as long as Edgar's squished, it all works out!
Wanted to draw Edgar as a pierrot clown out of the blue, he looks so cute! The big fluffy buttons and the floofy collar and eye makeup :D Cute!!
He's no simple clown! He's an complete comedy routine, straightman and fool in one!
But I mean, what does that say towards Scriabin's taste lol, he's already confirmed morosexual so ♪
Back to the Nnyspam, don't mind me
A reasonable request, he's skin and bones anyhow
A reasonable reply! Not an opposition exactly, just would prefer to know what to expect
As much as I can get to Poor Nny haha, he’s just so confused. "How did I get here." Meanwhile, Edgar tries really hard to not get his hopes up lol
Chatting about the weird exchange with Scriabin later - is this something they experienced together and are just talking about now, or did he go to Nny's alone?? Doesn't matter, Scriabin's gonna monologue about it
Haha, Edgar having some kind of Awakening thanks to Nny, again
He's always talking
More blobs! Scriablobin being annoying, of course <3
Went through a Tamagotchi-interest and decided to try and make some 32x32 resolution lads <3 Would take care of them, even if we all know Scriabin would beep even when he doesn’t need anything, he’d definitely run on the Devilgotchi OS lol
Back to the crying-kissing idea, set it down and picked it back up. Both just exchanging mini-barbs, sweet-nothings laced in thorns <3
Hehe they turned out so cute here ♥ Tastes like [soggy bread] and [affection]
An odd one of Edgar telling Scriabin off and manhandling him. Though maybe the latter isn’t as odd haha
I just wanted to doodle Edgar swearing at him haha. What would get him so riled to do so!
Family time, snuggles on the couch <3 Todd's completely enraptured by the glow of the television screen, ignoring cuddle time
*You hear the sound of canoodling in the background
Got a little too loud and got shut down haha
What happened?? Could've sworn they were just all over each other! That was the problem!
Welp, there's February through May again :) It's an ever-slowing momentum, but dang if it wasn't a powerful initial force lol
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4. "obedience"
"we won't be long," she said, her eyes on the distant hills where they melted into mist and cloud.
"don't tell me it's not dangerous," they said, from under the edge of the blanket they were sharing across their shoulders. "going out beyond the fort line always is..."
"yes," she said, simply, and huddled closer, against the fine spitting rain from above. the uneven stone of the wall beside them made partial shelter from the wind, but the warmth of another body was worth far more than that, and for more reasons. "but you know, that's what we're here for, after all."
they sighed. "but come back to me," they said, into her hair, drawing her closer. "come back to me, all right?"
"I will."
-
two weeks later, the autumn rains had deepened, filling the low creekbeds among the scrublands to overflowing; the last of the leaves on the wind-twisted trees had withered or fallen, brown among the grasses.
they weren't the only one waiting, nervous and jumpy as the days went on. fourteen days, fifteen, more. but in the end the shout did go up from the folk on watch, and the trailing line of packhorses and scouts winding their way through the foggy valley drew nearer.
there'd been trouble. even before the gates opened that was clear to be seen, their pace slow on the march homewards, folk leaning on their comrades or riding with assistance on the backs of the horses, the quiet in the front courtyard turned to sudden tense activity, hurrying to help the injured, to take count of the missing, to hear reports of whatever had gone wrong.
they couldn't find her. they couldn't find her, their eyes going from place to place frantically across the chaos; and then suddenly they did, a familiar flash of auburn hair, of a faded green hood slipping back as a limp body was handed down from one of the riders.
they were there in a moment, by her side, taking over at the head of the stretcher she was laid on. her eyes were closed, the bloodless pallor of her face contrasting horribly with the red-stained bandages wrapping her arm and shoulder.
"wake up," they begged her, on the way to the infirmary. "wake up." but she didn't answer. not then.
-
not till later did she answer - hours later, in the dim hours between day and night, blinking open heavy-lidded eyes in a face drawn with pain. her eyes found their face above her, her fingers tightening on theirs atop the blankets.
"you woke up," they said, numbly, "you came back - "
"of course I did," she murmured, "you told me to, didn't you."
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