#maybe some mirrored promotional art Idk

[canneddolts]

yesterday twas my mission to completely memorize the (mark 4) hev suit

#something took over me idk #ive been incredibly art blocked lately #its not completely accurate but yk.. #my stuff #half life #hl1 #gordon freeman #halflife #half-life #also sims 1 music is so good…… #one part of one of the songs is used again in the later games as a sound effect #if i remember right #and it jumpscared me so bad #YEAG WHEN YOU COMPLETE A WANT IN TS2 ITS 26 SECONDS INTO NEIGHBORHOOD 3 #i should show u guys my sims2 black mesa dorms omggghghg #ok Bye #also this made me realize i always put the circle (flashlight??) on the left instead #why did i do that???? idk #maybe some mirrored promotional art Idk

[rubyreduji]

My Heart Has Gone To You | 09

pairing: lee jihoon x f!reader ch notes: suggestive/mentions of sexual acts, jealous!jihoon, lots crying but idk if its considered angst w.c.: 2.7k a/n: AHHHH second to last chapter, im gonna miss posting these

< prev | m.list | next >

Despite somewhat making up with Jihoon you guys still seem to be avoiding each other, on purpose or not. It’s a few weeks after Christmas and despite still being winter break the Fine Arts Department has another event going on.

It’s a Winter Charity Ball to help get the names out for some of the arts students. You can’t complain too much because this gives you a chance to make some money off of your photography. Different art pieces are going to be auctioned off and the performing arts students are going to perform and get tips and it’s a big deal because some big names are invited every year.

You know a majority of your friends will either be performing or have pieces up for auction. You’re just excited for a reason to get dressed up and spend the night with your friends. The school is paying for everything which means you get to eat expensive food around rich people while promoting your art.

The ball is a week from now and you’re spending your days split between work and hanging out with your friends. You hang out with Hyunwoo often and he has turned into a type of life coach for you, at least when it comes to Jihoon.

“So he apologized?” You’re sitting in his penthouse apartment in a pair of his oversized pajama pants and your bra. Your dress is currently in the washer after it got dirty when you guys fucked in Hyunwoo's car after he took you out for dinner.

“Yes, but it’s awkward. We’re still not talking or seeing each other in person unless the whole friend group is together and even then we barely even look at each other.”

“So why don’t you approach him?” Hyunwoo has a towel hanging low around his hips as he runs a comb through his wet hair. He wanted to take a shower after you guys got back to his apartment.

“Because he’s the one who told me to leave! What if he doesn’t really mean his apology and he doesn’t want me around him so that’s why he’s not making the effort. I don’t want to try only to get hurt again,” you admit. “God can you put some pants on or something?” You can see the outline of Hyunwoo’s cock through the towel and even though he’s not hard, the dick print is still incredibly huge and distracting.

“You act like I wasn’t pounding into your pussy thirty minutes ago kitten,” Hyunwoo quips back but still walks into his room to get dressed. “Now you know I’m always Team Y/N and I know you’re not at fault here, but you keep sulking around about this guy so have you ever considered he’s afraid of you not wanting to be around him? Didn’t you ask for space?”

“Space doesn’t mean ignore me completely,” you groan and flop back onto the couch.

“Darling I hate to break it to you but to some people it does.” Hyunwoo comes and sits by you and picks you up so your head is resting in his lap. His hands play with your hair as he talks to you. “Maybe you should make the first move just to get the ball rolling. He’s probably walking on eggshells around you because he doesn’t want to mess up again. I know it’s not fair to you to keep putting in effort while he doesn’t, but if you have any trust in Jihoon anymore, just try once more. You don’t have to fully forgive him yet, but if you want anything to start getting better you guys need to stop avoiding one another.”

“Why are you so smart?” You whine and roll over so your head is buried into his stomach. You can feel him laughing at you.

“Ah, it comes with age.”

“Yeah because you’re fucking ancient,” you snort. 

“Oh you’re really going to regret that kitten.” Before you know it you’re in the air and Hyunwoo is carrying you towards his bedroom. “Let’s see just how ancient I am.”

You stare at yourself in the mirror. You’re in a silky deep blue evening gown that has thin straps and a slit up the leg. The cut is a little deep but the skirt is flowy and not tight so you can’t complain too much. You have on some silver strappy heels and Sana has done your makeup for you.

“Stop staring at yourself, you look sexy!” Sana bursts into your room.

“How did you know I was staring at myself?” You frown at the girl.

“Because I know you Y/N. Now let’s go, Nayeon is waiting for us.” Sana shoves your silver clutch into your hand and nearly drags you out the door.

The ball is taking place at a hotel that’s not far from the campus and when you get there it’s only students milling around waiting for the event to start. When you walk into the building you peel away from your friends and go find your photography professor who is overjoyed to see you.

“Y/N! These works are lovely as always. I’ve left your information next to all of your pieces but you can go check the setup if you want to change some things.” You thank him before going off to find your work. They’re in the back of the room near the other pieces of artwork. You admire your own and others’ work before a voice startles you.

“Y/N! You look so gorgeous!” It’s Soonyoung and before you can even react he’s scooping you up in his arms.

“Hey Soonie,” you giggle. “You look nice as well.” His outfit is kept simple and you think it’s because he’ll be dancing tonight. Him, Jun, Minghao, and Chan would be singing and dancing together again to a song called “Highlight”.

A voice comes over the microphone announcing the guests will be here soon and everyone starts to get together so be able to start promoting themselves. The people who are performing first go get ready and you find yourself standing by yourself close to one of the walls.

You make a little bit of talk with a few of your friends and a few of the guests as well. Your professor updates you every once in a while when one of your pieces is bought as well. Your eyes scan the crowd and you notice the boy who’s been on your mind all week.

Jihoon is dressed in a black suit with a maroon button up and a black bowtie. His hair is styled out of his face for once and you can’t help but note how handsome he looks. He’s holding a cup of what is most likely water as he talks with Seungcheol and Hansol.

He’s going to be singing tonight towards the end of the event but you don’t know what song. You think it would be nice to hear him sing “Simple” or “Second Life”.

“Ah, hiding away I see.” It’s Minghao who approaches you this time.

“I’m not hiding Hao.” You roll your eyes at the younger boy. “I’m just observing. I’m not really in the mood to mingle tonight.”

“Well then come dance with me.” He holds out his hand and you sigh but take it. He leads you to the dance floor and you’re thankful the song playing right now is a slower song. Minghao holds you gently as you guys sway around to the music.

“Okay Jihoon-hyung, be honest, what’s going on between you and Y/N-noona?” Hansol asks Jihoon as he’s staring at you and Minghao on the dance floor.

Jihoon sighs and finally pulls his eyes away from you. “I messed up, but I’m going to make it right.”

Seungcheol lets out a low whistle and Jihoon turns around so he can look at what Seungcheol is looking at. Tapping on Minghao’s shoulder to butt into your dance is Hyunwoo. He’s dressed in a silver suit with a silky blue button up to match your own ensemble. Minghao is moving out of the way so he can bend down to kiss your cheek and sweep you up into his own arms for a dance.

“Is that the guy Y/N-noona is seeing?”

“She’s not seeing him,” Jihoon spits out.

“I don’t know hyung, they look like they’re seeing each other,” Hansol mutters.

You have a smile spread across your face and you’re giggling every so often as Hyunwoo and you dance around. You guys look comfortable with each other. Jihoon knows you guys are friends but he’s still a bit upset at the appearance of the model, especially with how low his hands are on your back.

“He’s staring,” Hyunwoo says as he smiles down at you. “He’s literally in love with you Y/N. I know I’m not his biggest fan and he’s not mine, but he looks like he wants to cut my hands off for touching you.”

Recently Hyunwoo has been trying to convince you that Jihoon is in love with you back (“Just because he apologized doesn’t mean he’s in love with me.” “Oh but it does darling.”). He only knows your side of the story, and he’s still very anti-Jihoon, but he fully believes it’s true. He had the great plan of trying to make Jihoon jealous tonight so he could kick start you guys talking again. He knows that Jihoon messed up and he has a lot of making up to do, but he also wants to see you happy and loved. He also knows that if Jihoon ever messes up again he’ll be at his door ready to beat him up.

“Maybe if we sneak off for a little bit he’ll come find us,” Hyunwoo teases and you slap at his chest. He then bends down to whisper in your ear. “C’mon kitten you know you love it when I get you all riled up.”

Shivers run down your back but that doesn’t stop you from glaring at Hyunwoo. “Behave yourself.” He lets out a deep chuckle.

“Ooh lover boy is fuming now.”

You resist the urge to look over at Jihoon, instead rolling your eyes and moving your bodies so Jihoon isn’t in view of Hyunwoo anymore.

“Other than Jihoon, there are other people staring at us, who are they?” You look over your shoulder to see your friends giggling and looking at you. You groan.

“Unfortunately those are my friends who think we are boning.”

“Y/N darling, I hate to break it to you, but we are boning.”

“Oh shut up.”

You’re talking to Nayeon and Hyunwoo when the lights dim a bit and you hear someone start to speak into the mic.

“Hello, my name is Lee Jihoon, but musically I go by Woozi. I’m a singer-songwriter and a music producer. I’m going to be singing two songs for you guys tonight.”

You turn towards the front of the room, and there, center stage, is Jihoon. The piano has been moved to the center of the stage and he sits there, facing the audience.

“These songs both mean a lot to me and are written for someone very special in my life. I recently made a very big, stupid mistake, and these songs are to express my remorse for them and to try and make things better with that person. This first one is called ‘Don’t Wanna Cry’.”

Jihoon’s fingers fly across the keys as he starts to play the song. Your throat tightens as he starts to sing. He’s written more songs for you. Songs to show how sorry he is.

“Because I love you, because the words I love you isn’t enough, no matter what I say,” he sings and you feel tears already welling up in your eyes.

Jihoon loves you.

You know Hyunwoo is saying something along the lines of “I told you so” but you can’t focus on anything else other than Jihoon. Your eyes don’t leave his form the whole time as he sings. You’re not even sure if you’re breathing.

“My heart won’t listen like I want. Come back, come back, come back. My other half isn’t here so how can I live as one? I don’t wanna cry.”

By the time he’s done singing you’ve drifted closer to the stage. You’re sure that Jihoon sees you now and he stares at you for a moment before he starts talking again.

“Once again that is called ‘Don’t Wanna Cry’. This next song is to express my love for this person. I hope that it reaches their heart. This song is titled ‘Home’.”

His fingers start playing again and this time while he sings Jihoon’s eyes bounce between looking at the keyboard and looking at you.

“It’s still cold outside, the tip of my nose is tingling. Though we’re far away, the memories bring us closer. If your heart has a hole I’ll cover it with my hands. Even if your hands are empty, give them to me so I can fill them up.” By now tears are streaming down your face and you don’t care if you’re ruining your makeup. “Tell me, you’re mine, tell me, I’m yours. Tell me, you’re in me.”

When Jihoon finished the room erupts into applause but he can’t even focus on them. His eyes are on you as you stand in front of the stage, tears coming out of your eyes. He quickly thanks the audience before walking off the stage and straight to you.

You meet him halfway through and suddenly you’re in his arms and he’s holding you tight, thinking about how he’ll never let you go again. He wipes at your tears with his thumb and he holds your face in his hands. You’re sniffling and trying not to start crying again. He leans in and presses a kiss to your forehead. He moves his hand from your face to grip your hand tightly in his.

“Can we talk?”

You’re nodding and then he’s leading you out of the venue. In the lobby of the hotel there is an arrangement of couches and Jihoon brings you over to one hidden in the corner. You guys sit down and you’re aware you’re basically sitting in Jihoon’s lap but you don’t particularly care.

“Hey baby.”

“Hi Hoonie.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

You nod but you’re still crying a bit and can’t totally get the words out. Jihoon just holds you and rocks back and forth, telling you to take your time and that it’s okay. Despite your conflicting feelings you melt into his body, finding you’ve missed his touch more than you thought.

You are able to get your bearings straight and you sniffle as you sit up a bit so you can look at Jihoon. “I’m going to talk, and you’re going to listen, okay?” Jihoon nods at your words. “You really hurt me Jihoon.”

You have been working out your feelings and what you would say to Jihoon with Hyunwoo but even now you’re nervous. You can’t even describe the emotions you’ve felt the past few months, so you tell him that. You understand that every story has two sides and that Jihoon had his reasons for his actions, but that doesn’t stop them from affecting you.

You explain to Jihoon just how everything hurt you and your thoughts on the whole situation. You talk about how you just wanted to help him and look out for him and he pushed you away and shut you out. You even call him out for how unfair it was for him to demean the work you’ve put into your career when he knows how hard you’ve been working. The whole time Jihoon nods, eyes only on you, and you can tell he is truly listening.

“With that all being said though, I know how much you’ve been repenting. I know how sorry you are and I trust in you to understand your mistakes and better yourself from them. I want to be friends again, but we’re going to have to take it slow, and I want to see progress in you Jihoon. Okay?”

Jihoon nods at your words. “Thank you Y/N, this means the world to me. I promise I’m going to be better now.”

“And Jihoon?”

“Yes Y/N?”

“I love you too.”

taglist: @pandorashbox @calvinkleinhoon @leejihoonownsmyheart @soonhoonietrash @crimsonnwitch @d-noona @niktwazny303 @brxzilianbaby @moshiyuron @chaimi-yuta @embrace-themagic @kayleeshinee @coupsgyus @joonsytip @luvthatleader-nim @wonchansbrooklynn @d0nghyck @stoprunningfornothing @noniestars @heavenly-mobo @sunnyteume @vtn-dahyun @honeylovemoon @debsworld23 @m1nghaos @lovelyp3ach @niyizh @cbgisland @kpopandbitchcraft @lorde-oftherings @mashihwan @17kwans @jeanjacketjesus @hoeforcheol @x-veex @synthetickitsune

join my taglist: here!

#seventeen #seventeen fanfic #woozi #lee jihoon #woozi fanfic #woozi series #woozi imagines #woozi scenarios #svt woozi #woozi x reader #lee jihoon fanfic #kpop fanfic #rru.fics #rru.mhhgty #rru.writes #★ mdni

[box-dwelling]

So I wanted to make a pinned post compiling every post I've made that I have any intent at all to do anything with as a fan work.

Most of these are just drafts currently but as stuff gets released I'll edit this post and reblog with the news.

This post is long so the info will be under the cut but as a contents:

Franmaya Narumitsu Kids Au

Turnabout Orca

Ace Attorney DnD

Narumitsu Enjoying Art

Trucy V Kristoph

PTA Narumitsu

No Children Krisnix

Narumitsu Who Wait Too Long

Full Breakdown of My Plan For a Fic EU:

-Untitled Disbarment -Untiled Turnabout Trump Missing scenesand Fallout -Untitled Hell -Turnabout PTA -A Stray Turnabout -Turnabout Orca -A Christmas Turnabout -Untitled DnD -Turnabout Date -A Family Turnabout -The Perfect Wedding Turnabout -2 Bonus Fics

FranMaya Narumitsu Kids Au

Original post - full AU breakdown. Warning it's long

Ask about the Richards relationship to his sisters

Plan:

I'd love to do some fun comics. Maybe a fic but it would be a bitch to format as such. May become a series of drabbles instead

Current status:

No words on the page for fics. Ideas planned for comic but I'm really not happy with my art style at the moment and struggling to get someone drawn that I don't instantly hate and want to restart. Happy to take ideas to expand on this AU with questions

Turnabout Orca

Original post - Concept Breakdown

Additional post - Additional discussion of concept

Fic link

Plan:

Fic. A part of my larger series I have planned that I don't talk about that much here but separate enough to be posted on its own before the rest

Current Status:

Chapter 1 published. Chapter 2 needs edits but could honestly be posted whenever. I just keep procrastinating. I had ideas for a chapter 3 when playing this case but don't remember what it was so I'd need to replay the case.

Ace Attorney DnD

Original post - Character role breakdown

Character sheets

Plan:

A spin off midquel of a fic within my extended fic universe

Current status:

Ugh. So. I have a Klapollo Christmas fic within the previously mentioned extended fic series. There are 4 fics I need to post first or else it will make no sense.

The fic itself has a good amount written but is not finished but I probably could write the remaining scenes pretty easily. I would love to post this at Christmas but erm. We'll see.

I could cut down the previous references and just have it all be out of order as I post.

The first fic is a good good way done.The second is short sweet and basically done. The forth is a short sweet fluff fic that's not got too much written yet but should be easy enough to bang out. The third one is a complete god damn shitshow that I'm really unhappy with at the moment. I want to rearrange a tone of stuff before I post it. There's some stuff in there I adore. Then there's other stuff I hate and want to cut out immediately but can't because the stuff I like its currently dependant on it. It's got no coherent structure. There's a million things I want to cover in it but not over riding theme. A lot of the later stuff hinges on events in this one so I can't just completely kill it. It's overstuffed and just a complete Trainwreck. I recognize that what I post doesn't have to be good and this is a fan space but I genuinely don't want to put this out there in this state. Like to explain what a state it's in its currently dealing with a mirror to FmT, sibling reveal, setting up Klapollo, Manfred's execution, Narumitsu proposal, another thing on this list, AJ fallout, and Edgeworth's promotion and very very little connective tissue between these concepts.

This is relevent because the DND fic is kind of a midquel to said Christmas fic so need to come out after it.

Idk guys Christmas sounds a little too optimistic. I may post the Christmas fic very very late.

Narumitsu Enjoying Art

Original post - concept breakdown

Plan

Included in a part of one of the fics in the extended fic universe

Current status

Hey so remember what I just said about the third fic having a planned segment for another point in this list. Suprise guess which one it was. This one. So yeah development hell. I've not even written that part yet because even opening that doc demoralises me. Will it be in the end product? I literally have no fucking clue. It's linked in with the FmT mirror segment which is the most likely to get the axe and also the hardest to fucking cut so just ugh.

Trucy V Kristoph

Original post - beginnings of concept

Extended post on this idea - concept breakdown

Plan:

Finally, its own thing. A multi chapter canon divergence fic

Current status:

Honestly doing pretty well. I've got like 3 chapters written but am struggling to know where to go from where I am. Kind of on hiatus but I could also just post what I have so far and then have it be a more public hiatus.

PTA Narumitsu

Original post - concept discussion

Plan

Fic. Similar to Turnabout Orca in that it fits within the canon of the extended fic universe and may get plonked in there as a series but works as a stand alone

Current status:

One scene written. I have ideas but it's a hard one to get motivated to write. I love the concept but it's just not the document I instinctively open up.

No Children Krisnix

Original post- lyric by lyric scene description

Link to homeforall's own version of said idea

Plan

Animatic

Current status

I have done a handful of scenes but I'm having the same issue I was with the Au comic. I just need my art to be a bit better to feel comfortable.

Narumitsu Who Wait Too Long

Proper concept breakdown

Related prior post

Plan:

It's own fic as its own thing but also a general feeling and concept I try to bring in whenever I write 7yg stuff

Current status:

A brief scene written as its own thing though I may change it to go a different way because I have being think about it more. Also a theme I have in the first of the extended fic universe stories

Aforementioned extended fic universe

Ok so this one is more complicated because I don't really have posts for it but I did want to break it down for me and for future reference.

1: Untitled: Disbarment

Concept:

Begins with some small stuff during the trilogy, Choosing death, forbbien hospital scene and what not but is primarily about Phoenix's disbarment. Narumitsu fic mainly but there's a good deal of Franmaya and also some deeply toxic Krisnix.

Status:

A lot written but missing a lot of connective tissue and I want to put in some fluff padding at points. Also there's probably a smut scene or two that I want to write but have been putting off.

2: Untitled- Turnabout Trump Missing Scenes and Fallout

Concept:

Kind of tieing some loose ends from the last fic with some headcaons I have about this case in particular. Short. Probably a one shot. Could be an epilogue to the previous but I think will be worth publishing as its own thing.

Status:

Basically done. Need to be published in order.

3: Untitled Hell

Concept:

After Turnabout succession Phoenix goes to Europe with Edgeworth and Trucy and Apollo stay behind to take a case. When Apollo is writing up his journal notes from the Misham Trial they look through Phoenix's paper work to clear up some loose ends and find out a lot they didn't know. Meanwhile stuff gets more and more out of hand in Europe

Status:

Already said. Absolute hell.

4: Turnabout PTA

Concept:

When Edgeworth gets promoted to Chief Procecutor, Phoenix takes him to the PTA to show off. Chaos ensues

Status:

Already said. This and turnabout Orca are the only ons before the Christmas Turnabout that doesn't have to be posted before it. This one could probably come out on its own but it's best after the 3rd fic

5: A Stray turnabout

Concept:

Short sweet fluff fic. Athena meets her Boss's fiance. Edgeworth worried about Trucy's grades. Phoenix adopts a stray puppy. Apollo gets to subject the agency to one of his special interests

Status:

Like half written and the other half is inmy brain. It's just not been a priority.

6: Turnabout Orca

Concept:

Turnabout reclaimed from Edgeworth's perspective

Status:

Already said. Will be posted when it's posted.

7: A Christmas Turnabout

Concept:

Just after the end of dual destinies, Apollo invites Klavier to the Wright-Edgeworth Christmas party given that his previous plus one is now dead. It's the obligatory Klavier joins the found family and gets "forgiven" (read: realised he was never blamed I'm the first place) for Phoenix's disbarment fic that I always eat up. Also dealing with the fallout of DD and Clays death and Klavier's fallout after AJ. Big ensemble cast. Angst and fluff.

Status:

Solid half way done

7.5 Untitled DnD

Concept:

Some for the cast are bored and unable to sleep on Christmas Eve so Trucy runs a Christmas one shot for their DnD party.

The idea for this was that all the family members have a DnD character but it's kind of expected that not everyone can always make it. So it's an induction for Klavier and Simon into the fold by making their characters and joining in. The players for this fic are Klavier, Apollo, Simon, Athena, Kay, Pearl and Sebastian. Maya, Phoenix, Ema and Edgeworth all also have characters but aren't present for the game for reasons that make sense in context.

Status:

Already said

8: Turnabout Date

Concept:

A direct sequel to A Christmas Turnabout taking place a day or so after that one leaves off. Klavier has asked Apollo on a dated to an intimidatingly fancy restaurant.

Meanwhile as the anniversary of DL6 draws closer Edgeworth ends up giving up and giving the prosecutors office a holiday break until the New Year. In turn Phoenix gives the WAA the time off too given the stress of the last week. Both offices decide to help their respective idiot in love prepare for the date. Though the weird girls of Maya and Kay end up on the opposite of their usual sides as Phoenix needs requests the aid of everyone's favourite great thief and Maya get caught up in the chaos after an attempt to seduce her girlfriend.

Status:

About a third written. I'm really really fond of this one though.

9: A Family Turnabout

Concept:

A pair of ghosts from Phoenix's past turn up on the agency door all related to Athena's most recent case. A poisoning in a tea shop that she herself witnessed.

Tensions are high as more than one Wright family member's life hang in the balance. As Phoenix's mental state grows slowly more unstable, his relationship with his daughter is put to the test.

While Athena and Apollo butt heads about how much their powers are to be trusted and ask they begin to learn more and more about the mysterious group the victim and defendant belong to, Phoenix's protegee are forced to ask serious questions about what justice really means and if the WAA's tactics in court are really moral and safe.

Status:

Hey idk if you can tell. This is my favourite. If I could just post this and focus on it I would. Unfortunately it needs a lot of fucking context. Stuff that's fine to just be explained to a reader who knows they can learn more in other available fics but will sound insane if not. How much is written. A whole lot. The stuff that's missing is the case fic stuff but I know exactly what I'm doing with that now so it just needs to be properly written out. There's probably a few posts I could have linked to put this bad boy on the mentioned works in progress section but that would probably spoil it a bit and I don't want to do that.

10: A Perfect wedding Turnabout

Concept:

Narumitsu wedding. Big old ensemble piece. Stuff will get crazy but I don't want to spoil anything. But those two could never have a normal wedding come on.

Status:

This was like the 3rd fic is started writing and well. It shows. I don't love how a lot of it reads. I want to rewrite a tone. But there is a lot already on the page. The other 2 I wrote this early were a very early draft of the first fic which has been revised enough to be fixed and then the 3rd fic which is the bane of my existence. I like the plot concept I have. But I worry about the prose. When I wrote this is had been a long ass while since I'd tried to write a big cast like this and it fucking shows. Also just the character voice is off. It's kind of expositiony. It's not as unsalvageable as 3 it's just not there yet.

2 Bonus fics

Status:

Completely unwritten

Concept:

I kind of want to do a narumitsu fluff fic of them buying a house together and putting up furniture after 3 and I wouldn't mind a reunion faraskye fic before 3. But the benefit of me having written nothing and having planned nothing is that they have no vital link to the others so they can just be punished whenever and I'll say where they are in the timeline.

#ace attorney

[thinfairytalex]

🦴 My Ana Rules! ⚠️TW⚠️

⚠️𝘿𝙄𝙎𝘾𝙇𝘼𝙄𝙈𝙀𝙍⚠️

DO NOT VEIW IF YOU DO NOT HAVE AN ED! PLEASE DO NOT READ IT IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ONE! I WOULD TURN BACK BUT ITS TOO LATE SO PLEASE TURN BACK WHILE YOU CAN! IF YOU HAVE ONE PLEASE GET HELP IF YOURE READY! I HATE MY EATING DISORDER AND SO WILL YOU IF YOU GET ONE BECAUSE OF ME!!!!

🍴𝙁𝙊𝙊𝘿 😋

Bad foods:

👎🏼Olive Oil

👎🏼Coconut Oil (not as bad but not suggested because it tastes gross anyways)

👎🏼Avocado

👎🏼Butter

👎🏼Ghee (idk what this is but the internet just said it was fatty)

👎🏼Yogurt (Except greek)

👎🏼Cheese

👎🏼Peanut butter

👎🏼Flax Seeds

👎🏼White pasta

👎🏼Bread ESPECIALLY BAGELS

👎🏼Mashed Potatoes

👎🏼Rice

👎🏼Ranch (but ilyyyyyyy)

👎🏼Granola

👎🏼Bananas

👎🏼Corn

👎🏼Peas

👎🏼Potatoes or Sweet Potatoes

👎🏼Chips or Fries

👎🏼Raisins

👎🏼Candy or Icecream

👎🏼Pizza

👎🏼Meat other than grilled chicken (My preference)

👎🏼Buttered Popcorn (except skinny pop)

Safe Foods:

✨Fish (Salmon and Mahi are the best)

✨Grilled chicken

✨Any fruits or veggies except bananas, avocados, potatoes, corn or peas

✨Green Tea

✨Sugar Free Foods (under 100 cals)

✨Skinny Pop

✨Sugar free jello

✨Eggs

✨Chili Peppers

✨Gum

✨Dark chocolate

✨Apple Cider Vinegar (If you are willing but it may effect your teeth so i’d suggest to wash you’re mouth but not brush teeth)

✨Blue Berries (BURNS FAT!!!)

✨Cinnamon

✨Greek Yogurt

✨Raw Veggies

✨Soup

✨Salad

✨Nuts

✨Oats

✨Straight up honey

✨Water (bruh)

✨Diet Sodas (that are 0 cal)

✨Ginger

✨Any thing super low in fats and under 100 cals

I suggest eating fat burning items or low fat items and also low calorie items too so you can eat a bunch of them and not have to worry like fruits and veggies! This was just my foods list also the calories depend on the brand except for natural items so i didn’t include them. I usually try to stay under 300 calories when i’m not fasting. I also suggest eating more than i do and allowing more items i’m just strict on myself. 🍇

🏋️𝙒𝙊𝙍𝙆𝙊𝙐𝙏𝙎 💪

This is my personal but i like to have a total net of -1000 or -900 calories (because i’m so young this doesn’t even burn but 3-4 pounds a week), i suggest more like 300 a day net 😅

What i like to do to burn those calories are:

✨ My 500 calorie workout- You can find this in one of my 30 day thinspo challenges.

✨Take cold baths- For my average time i’m in the bath I burn around 399 calories check out one of my older posts on how many calories you burn when in the cold bath for a certain time.

~Also I exchange for every night (because i lovveeeeee hot baths) so i take a hot bath one night but i do 2 rounds of my 500 calorie workout and then if it’s a cold bath night i do one 500 workout and a cold bath to burn 399 calories, also that’s on fasting days. On my restrictive days i burn 300 (look up ways there’s a bunch) and then a cold bath and one workout or two workouts and a hot bath.

😑 𝘽𝙊𝙍𝙀𝘿𝙊𝙈 💤

Days with none or lack of food can feel extremely lonnnggggggggg or can be extremely boring, here are something’s i do when i’m hungry, craving, or bored and trying not to eat~

✨Look at inspiration

✨Sleep

✨Excersize

✨Scroll on tumblr

✨Listen to music

✨Brush my teeth (stops cravings and makes ur teeth pretttyyyyy)

✨Bathe

✨Online School (CoRoNa TiMe or if you actually do this)/Homework

✨Clean out my food hiding place (if parents aren’t home)

✨Draw or do art

✨Shop Online (or irl after quarantine)

✨Plan Outfits for tomorrow

✨Text my frenz

✨Walk my dog

✨Bake (! DISCLAIMER !: I UNDERSTAND BEING IN THE KITCHEN IS AWFUL FOR CRAVINGS BUT JUST ONLY THINK ABOUT NOT EATING WHAT YOU’RE MAKING AND BEING KIND AND GIVING IT TO FAMILY)

✨Write down calories for when your away from the screen and around food

✨Think about how good hungry feels compared to how that food tastes

✨Hang out with friends but not if they are going out to eat (when this is over)

✨Study

✨Watch fat people eating/Fat people mukbangs

✨Watch fat people cringe or dancing cringe

✨Look at the mirror

💔𝘾𝙊𝙉𝘾𝙀𝙍𝙉𝙎 🥺

This will be referring to your questions and concerns about your eating disorder and ,if you are not ready to receive help (please do if you can), how to reply to your parental figures, families, and friends concerns and questions.

Your Questions and Concerns~

“What about my hair falling out?”

👒 If your hair is falling out i would suggest to look up ways to keep thinning hair in good condition and also buy hair strengthening products if possible. 👒

“I can’t do this!”

💞 DO NOT i repeat DO NOT DO THIS IS YOU DO NOT WANT TO! but if you want to but believe you can’t, just remember to stay strong and you got this!!! 💞

“Is it bad that i’m so cold always?”

🧤I mean it’s going to happen, it’s a symptom of not eating and also a symptom of being thin so it’s gonna happen. I suggest just putting on a jacket or a few layers of clothes on your cold area🧤

“How do i dodge meal time?”

🍽 Dodging mealtime is the worst struggle for me like ever! I just can’t do it! I also feel awful wasting food but if it comes to being thin, there’s no choice. I usually say i’m going to the bathroom and start up a conversation before and continue talking about it while leaving so they don’t notice i’m taking my plate to the bathroom and i just put it in my hiding place in my room (that’s right next to the bathroom) and if your room isn’t close to the bathroom then find a hiding place in the bathroom wether it’s putting a container under the towels or in a shelve i’ll find a place but then take a little longer and if they ask what took so long say you were fixing your hair (if you say this do it but fast) or you were trying to clean under your nails with soap, if they notice less food say you got hungry while fixing your hair (i recommend the hair one)🍽

“Why isn’t the ABC diet/Rainbow diet/other diets not working for me but others do?”

👎🏼This is because either you didn’t count cals correctly or because you didn’t workout enough but a lot of the time these are just not not for some people like a lot of diets aren’t enough for my preferred daily weight loss or are too high calorie for me to lose anything. 👎🏼

“How do i answer questions or comments my friends and family make?”

👇🏼 Answers are below! 👇🏼

Family and friends questions, comments, and concerns~

“Have you lost weight?”

-I suggest answering like “Not that i know of” or maybe “I’ve been sick” but for that one make sure your parents know you have recently so if one of them are asked by the family member who asked they say you were or lastly “I don’t think so, but i just started putting more effort into [sport you play or are practicing] recently so maybe but if any just a little.”-

“Are you okay? I’ve noticed you’ve lost weight?”

-I would say “Oh i’m totally great! I don’t think i’ve lost weight?”-

“You look great! Have you lost weight?”

-I would reply with “Oh thank you! Maybe a little, I’ve been eating healthier lately so maybe that made my skin clearer and me a little slimmer that’s all.” and the always “Not that i know of but thank you so much! May be it’s my new [clothing item], I think it flatters me!”-

“Are you sick?”

-I would say “No, I wouldn’t be at this gathering would i?” say it in a laughing tone not rude.-

“Jeez you’re a stick”/“Oh my god you’re so skinny!”

-I think you could just roll your eyes at “Jeez you’re a stick” and say “What?” at the second one.-

“Do you have an Eating Disorder?”

-This is very risky! I would only make an excuse if you are just not ready to get help yet. Please receive help if you can! but my excuse would be “What’s that, never heard of it?” and if they explain just say “Wow thats really weird i wonder why people would act like that?!”-

“Eat.”

-Classic “I already ate.”, “No thanks maybe in a bit!” and lastly “I had a big [meal before].”-

🦷 𝙃𝙔𝙂𝙀𝙉𝙀 🧼

Here are some eating disorder hygiene issues that and i will provide ways to prevent or deal with these.

•Lack of bodily functions (urination and excretion/defecation) ✨:YES I KNOW DISGUSTANG!!! as you should know under eating and drinking (which sometimes people under drink during eating disorders?) will have the effect of lack of these practices. i don’t think there are any healthy ways to prevent this if you are restricting and i DO NOT promote laxatives they can kill you! although i would deal with this simply by just not caring and maybe eating fruit which can help lol sorry i understand this is disgusting.

•Dental Hygiene ✨: as some people know the act of purging is common which can effect your dental hygiene and can even rot your teeth. i do not promote purging (or any other disordered eating acts BUT ESPECIALLY NOT PURGING!)! it is going to hurt you physically and mentally so if anything maximum restrict. but as we know you can’t just fix it by saying that so here are some tips to prevent teeth rot from purging~ {1. Don’t brush your teeth right after! this dissolves the enamel even more! 2. Floss and rinse mouth with water/mouthwash straight after 3. if you can, chew and spit an anti-acid} also anorexia can weaken bones and as we know teeth are bones so i just advise to brush your teeth every morning and night! 🦷✨

•Body Hair ✨: I understand this is also gross too but people who don’t care enough i want you to at least have good hygiene so if you starve enough to get lanugo (excess hair growth caused by cold temperatures due to starvation). You can keep these hairs or remove them i would advise to shave so you can appear nice but if you don’t care and would like to stay warm keep the hair!

🦴 𝙇𝙊𝙊𝙆𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙁𝙊𝙍 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙉𝙎𝙋𝙊 💞

This is something i find very sad because it’s very exclusive. so many POC are struggling with this evil illness are rarely seen in thinspo and if so they usually aren’t just modeling by themselves but with another pale person. I suggest that if you have a certain amazing attributes to you and your body look for thin people that are like you, and also the lack of curly hair in the industry is disappointing as well. I’d also just like to say most models are white, with blonde or brown hair and blue eyes but that literally is so exclusive so please just somebody find a diverse page. I’ll be posting some if i can find any! 🌎💞

When i find more things to write about i’ll add more xx 💖

#not pro just for myself! #not pro just for myself #thin #proanamia #anamiatips #EDtingz #dying to be thin #BED #anorexsick #sick #turn back #ugly #fat pig #TW #POCthinspii #thinspii #ED #0calories #waterismyfavoritefood #i hate my body #be confident don’t be me

[thejustmaiden]

Why do you think Sunrise did that event in with Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs mirroring InuKag? They have already done that CD Drama, do you think they did that to give hope to the shippers? What if after so many hints, if they reveal in the anime that Sessrin isn't canon, aren't the shippers gonna be disapointed? This may be a dumb question and your answers are always smart and well-articulated, but i seriously don't understand their marketing strategy, do you care to explain for me?

Oh, hey there! I appreciate all the love you've been leaving on my blogs lately. I really hope I'm able to give you an answer you're satisfied with. Sorry it took some time to get back to you. I hope this makes up for it. 🙏

I'm not gonna lie, I'm up and down about how I feel about that livestream and what it means for the future of this ship. My brain has been on roller coaster mode since basically the moment the sequel was announced. We're in the home stretch now, and we better get the answers WE WANT the second that sequel comes out. Since it's evidently not going to happen anytime sooner- welp!

Before the livestream aired, I really thought us fans were on the verge of discovering the mom and that it was going to be Rin. We still had hope she wasn't, but at the same time most of us antis were "bracing for impact." lol

Then nothing happened.

We were pretty shocked but obviously relieved. The days before it came out, I was telling others (as well as myself lol) that just because Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs had a livestream together doesn't confirm anything. Besides, why does that have to automatically mean that both pairings need to be romantic? We all know how integral these characters are/were to each other's storylines, so these pairings make the most logical sense, wouldn't you say?

In the previous livestream with the voice actors who play Inuyasha and Kagome, they discuss the new character Moroha and introduce her as Inuyasha AND Kagome's daughter. Now let's compare that to the other livestream with Sesshomaru and Rin's VAs. When they described Towa and Setsuna, they did so as Sesshomaru's daughters NOT Sesshomaru and Rin's daughters. That to me is the most telling piece of evidence.

Like how could they not use that prime opportunity to tell us Rin's the mom when her voice actor was literally sitting right there??! We were all expecting it and they still insisted on giving us nothing! What this tells me is that it's possible this mom is a new character, and it even appears she is quite pivotal to the new series. I keep changing my opinion on that part though to be honest with you, because sometimes I think she won't be important at all in the grand scheme of things. (See what I mean about being up and down? lol) Idk about you, but it seems to me like we haven't even met her character. If it was Rin, why keep it a mystery? It's not like Sessrin's popularity is exactly a secret in this fandom. Why wait until the big reveal if it's "so obvious" in the first place? How does Sunrise benefit from hiding this information?

If it does end up being Rin, it would've been better to just come out and say it. If this ain't just pure fanbait like some of us still hope it is, why hold back? Give 'em what they want already and let us antis be at peace. If they hope to think that I'll change my mind and give this sequel a go just because I've waited this long so might as well, they're sorely mistaken. If anything, I'm going to be pissed they kept us in the dark this long when they could've just saved us all the trouble. I imagine that goes for a lot of us, shippers and antis alike. Whatever way you look at it, I won't be invested in this sequel if Sessrin goes canon- period. I cannot and will not be on board with a series that promotes such a harmful and insulting dynamic.

Which brings us to Sunrise's marketing strategy. Well, I definitely think they have been catering to the fans of this ship for quite some time now. Because, ya know, money. Whether that's because they plan to make this ship canon or not remains to be seen. "Show meee the moneeeeyyyy!" *yells in Jerry Maguire*

There was first the drama cd and more recently that calendar which included art of adult!Rin with Sesshomaru, but neither of those are canon first off. Also, does anyone know if it was actually confirmed to be pro-Sessrin fan art? I mean, I know it doesn't look very good when the artist who made it is a Sessrin shipper and certain fans are fawning over their OTP, but that doesn't necessarily mean the calender automatically is either last I checked. I wonder why it can't simply be Rin as an adult visiting with Sesshomaru. I believe in one picture she's seen giving him a flower, much like little Rin would've done, or just as any child does for a loved one. So if Rin is still bringing him flowers as an adult, I would assume that means their relationship dynamic hasn't changed at all. That's what's supposed to happen, too! If an adult's relationship was established with another person while they were just a child, then that adult will always view them as a child no matter what and vice versa. Even when those children become grown-ups, that won't change. That's just how things are, or how they're supposed to be rather. In other words, a normal healthy adult-child bond does not resemble one like Sessrin.

Both Sessrin fans and antis agree there haven't been any romantic implications between Sesshomaru and Rin in the original series. That's why I can't understand for the life of me why we're even having this discussion. Alas, here we are. This is what happens when society has conditioned us to believe that the only proper (aka "best") way an adult male and a young female's closeness can evolve is with romance. So maybe it's not obvious at first (because that would be illegal), but we should EXPECT their relationship to shift in that direction. Why, you ask? Well, simply because sexualizing young girls is the norm so why not, right? No clues or foreshadowing required! Because like I just said, that would be illegal. Fiction has loopholes for this kinda stuff, so problem solved?

Nope! Aging her up counts too, folks! When you look at a girl character and the first thing you think is, "I can't wait till she grows up so she can f*ck" then, yeah, you're a part of the problem. You may not realize it, but you are. That's not to say you're a bad person or that it's even your fault, just saying that there are times in all of our lives where we start to question some of our beliefs. If you not only support but desire the idea of a romance eventually forming between a grown man- yes, 19 is an adult- and a young girl, then you should probably ask yourself why that may be and re-evaluate. Please stop using cultural differences and history that dates back almost a thousand years to justify this so-called tradition.

"You all shouldn't think too deeply about this, it's just fiction! Ugh, you're ruining the fun! Antis should all just shut up! Only we can have problems, but when you do it's just complaining!"

Right....

And by the way, most of us are not even complaining. We're being critical of the content we're watching. Criticism isn't always pretty unfortunately.

If Sunrise and Rumiko do decide to go through with this, then I will disappointed, sure, but not surprised. Romanticizing these sexualized images of young or pre-pubescent girls has been happening for far too long, after all. We've become desensitized to it sadly enough, especially when the media continues to glorify it. I wish we'd realize how many young girls- or minors in general- we're putting in danger by sending messages such as this.

To you young teenage girls and even boys reading this, you may not fully understand right now, but it's never okay for anyone to tell you that your body being sexualized is a natural and beautiful thing. It's going through through a lot changes at your age, yes, but they should never use your curiosity to satisfy their sexual needs. Don't allow some of these stories to be an example of what is acceptable to occur in your own life if you were ever to encounter a similar situation, especially if fiction is all that you have to compare it to. It is not in any way, shape, or form okay for an adult to say or do sexual/romantic things to you. Even a conversation that may seem harmless at first could have dire consequences. No, not even if you trust them and they're one of your favorite people in this world are these things ever appropriate. What they're asking from you or showing you is dangerous, and even if it doesn't seem like it they are very likely taking advantage of you. If you're ever unsure about something, don't hesitate to come to me. Or maybe you have a loved one that you can go to, that works too. 😊

Idk if I even gave you a definite answer, but perhaps it's because I'm still figuring it out myself. If I ever do, ha! I hope by allowing you to get inside my head for a little bit you got a better idea. Or maybe not, and I just made it more confusing for you. Oops! lol Feel free to hit me up again, dear, and have a nice day/night!! 👋

#inuyasha #hanyo no yashahime #anti sessrin #asks #answered ask

[veryberrybrenda]

Just One More Bet

Pairing: Adam Du Mortain x Lucia Langford

Prompt: Guilt

Notes: I goggled the French curse words because I don’t speak French, so idk if they are 100% correct. I’m sorry in advance. This is Day 5 of Wayhaven Week 2020 by @otomefandomevents 

Respect was something that came easy to Lucia. Her work ethic in the office was what granted her the promotion to Detective after all. What people respected most about her was her ability to do what was needed. Whether it be staying late to finish paperwork or helping out Verda with his work, she was always the one who did what most people didn’t want to do. It was something she took pride in, that was the case until recently.

Adam made her question everything. He made her own body betray her. Pulse racing, cheeks flushed, voice stuttering. She was used to being the one with the cards in her hands, but the world decided her winning streak should come to an end.

But right now, she was in control. Perspiration made her bare feet slick against the blue mat. Her breathing was ragged as she kicked the punching bag. It stood its ground, barely swaying against her valley of kicks and punches, mocking her.

She had been getting better, thankfully, not a small part due to Adam. He had been sacrificing his brooding time to train her – make her stronger against those who wanted to hurt her.

Lucia hated the feeling of being helpless, having to rely on others. Being a burden doesn’t sit well with her independent nature. That was why she chose combat with Adam over research with Nate. Although she was better suited to learning about the weaknesses of supernaturals, with her unquenchable thirst for knowledge and all, knowledge itself, won’t stop a creature from snapping her arm off like it was some crispy taco.

Creak.

The sound of the door opening interrupted her assault on the punching bag as she turned to face the person responsible for the noise. Before even taking a glance, she already had a guess to who it could be.

Who else would train at 10 o'clock at night.

Standing at the doorway was a man with an approved expression, posture as stiff as always. “Your form is getting better,” Adam said, voice echoing in the large room.

“That’s progress,” Lucia panted, breathing rough from exertion.

Adam walked, his usual brisk strides, over to Lucia. His hand clasped behind his back as he eyed Lucia as though he were critiquing a piece of art. “Have your legs spread a bit wider when you punch. It will help you keep your balance better.”

A devilish grin formed on Lucia’s lips. This is too good. The man is setting himself up.

“Spread my legs. Got it,” she replied with a smirk, eyes searching for the slightest crack in his once impenetrable walls.

The flirtation only made Adam narrow his eyes, jaw clenched. “This is not some game, Detective. Your life is at stake.”

“I make fun where fun is needed. I heard it makes it easier to remember stuff,” Lucia quipped confidently as she awaited the leader’s comeback.

“Your life is no joke. It is precious to me- I mean us.” Adam’s eyes widen at his slip up, but he hastily plastered back on his stoic mask. “Besides, Agent Langford would be highly disappointed in me if something happened to you.”

His almost confession had Lucia blinking for a few seconds. Maybe there is hope after all. She just had to do what was necessary to get it out of him.

Taking a step closer, she fully gazed into his emerald eyes, searching for some sign of the real unguarded soul behind it. “Would you be disappointed if something were to happen to me?”

She saw it. The slightest twitch of his lips as he concentrated on maintaining his mask. “Yes, of course. It would be quite an annoyance to have one less team member to utilize during missions.” Although his expression was unreadable, his voice wasn’t. There was a slight pitch to it that betrayed him.

I hooked him. Now it’s time to see if the world will deal me a good hand.

This was turning into a gamble as she took another step, his eyes trailing her every move, but thankfully he wasn’t fleeing…yet. Rolling the dice yet again, she reached out to grab his hand, his fingers limp against hers. She could sense the smallest tensing of his fingers like he’s fighting himself not to hold her hand.

Lucia still gets surprised each time she feels the delicate skin of his palm. Where she expected them to be hard, rough, and calloused from his centuries of work, they were soft, smooth, and lacking any imperfection. He would make an amazing hand model.

His mouth opened then promptly closed shut with unsaid words. Adam’s pupils were blown, turning his eyes dark as the green disappeared. A battle is raging inside of those eyes. The man who wants to be set free vs. the vampire who has survived centuries of loneliness and pain. Lucia can only hope her bet on the former wins.

There is no better time than now to confront him. I just hope he doesn’t run away this time.

Her volume has died down to a mere whisper, “Adam, I want to say- “

As though he knew where she was going with this, he suddenly whips around, yanking his hand away from hers, and knocking down a wooden dummy in the process. Lucia flinches at the loud thud the dummy makes when it hit the floor. Adam just stares at the dummy menacingly as if its existence offended him.

After a few seconds of silence, Adam crouches down to pick up the dummy. His eyes still radiating hatred when he sees Lucia also couching down to help him.

“I got it!” Adam snarled, tone low and threatening.

“I want to help.” Her tone not making any room for argument, but Adam always seemed to find a way.

Adam grips the dummy. “I don’t want your help.” His voice coming out in a single breath as he heaves the dummy up.

She desperately tried to think of something to say - to prevent his walls from rising up again as he wipes the dust off the dummy. Clenching her hands, she builds her resolve that she hopes will be enough to stand against a 900-year-old vampire.

“Tu Omnia.” It comes out as more of a command than a statement, which she hopes Adam will obey.

The phrase had Adam’s body freezing up like ice, his back, taunt as it faced her.

“You are everything.” She said the phrase slowly, afraid that if she said them a little too quick, she would’ve spooked him. This time, raw emotion spills into her voice, making Adam’s knuckles tighten over the wooden dummy, fingers white.

“Where…did you hear that?” Adam questioned accusingly.

Determination filled Lucia once again. “You told me that just before the medication kicked in after the fight with the trappers.”

“I…never said such thing!” Adam shouted defensively that emphasized his continued digging of his grave.

She crossed her arms, anger starting to simmer inside of her at the man’s lies. “Just ask Nate. He was the one who translated it for me.”

“No, you’re wrong!” An animalistic snarl escapes from his lips. The wood under his fingers finally break with a snap. “Fils de pute (son of a bitch)!” Adam curses in what she assumes is French as he chucks the broken wood aimlessly to the side. He throws it with so much force that it shatters the mirror beside him, sending shards scattering everywhere.

Without a word, she bends down to pick up the shards on the ground. Adam is still turned away from her while she silently cleans up the collateral damage, something she has gotten too used to doing.

Unfortunately for her, she made the terrible mistake of forgetting that she’s bare foot and she steps on a shard, a subdued scream escaping from her lips.

“Fucking hell!” She shouts angrily, while clutching her injured foot. Crimson drips readily from the sizable shard embedded in the center of her foot.

Maybe it was the pain of her wound or the frustration of being lied to by the person she trusts the most, but she just couldn’t take it anymore. She felt tired. Tired of pretending that it didn’t hurt every time Adam would show her a piece of his heart then proceed to snatch it away, leaving her to deal with the consequences. She knew this was no way to live her life, but if she was honest with herself, she was addicted. Addicted to seeing him smile at a joke she made or when his gaze would soften around her. Living 900 years alone had its baggage, sure, but her stupid heart couldn’t help itself. She’s neck deep in her bad habit that she just can’t bring herself to quit.

Maybe I’ll win the next round, she keeps telling herself, but the cards were slipping from her hands and she was powerless to stop it.

She would never be able to quit Adam Du Mortain for as long as she breathes.

Tears were forming in her eyes as her own walls that were meant to defend her, came caving in, trapping her under the rubble.

-

Lucia’s scream pulls Adam from his state and he instantly appears behind her in a blur, arms wrapped around her waist as he gently eases her down on the mat away from the broken glass. Her hands are coated in warm blood. The aroma of it overpowered his senses, crying out to his primal side to surface, to drink it, but he suppresses it as he tucks a piece of stray hair away from her face that have come undone from her ponytail.

Her black eyes always fascinated him and the same time, annoyed him. They gave him a hard time because he could never see her pupils that mixed with her black iris. Not that he has to of course, her hammering heart always was a telltale sign of her true feelings - ones that he tries his best to ignore, for his sake. They were two black holes, reeling him in and refusing to let go until he was consumed by them. They contrasted nicely with her bright lavender hair that set her apart from everyone else, but right now, he wishes he could see those eyes.

Lucia’s bloody hands covered her dark eyes as she chokes on her sobs. The sight of her in such a state because of him made his heart constrict in guilt.

Crying didn’t come naturally to her, so it wasn’t the glass that had tears racking her body. It was something else – something that he refuses to acknowledge because once he does, he won’t be able to stop himself. The only time he had seen her cry was when she visited him when he got injured by the trappers. Her tears had weakened his walls, which made him say those words that he wished he could take back. Tu Omnia. The DMB had made his mind weak and it slipped out before he could stop himself. She hadn’t brought it up since and he thought she didn’t hear it, but he was surely mistaken.

He admired her tenacity. He would shoo her away and she would still find a way back to him like some lovesick puppy. Her fighting spirit reminded Adam of himself. He would sacrifice anything for his team – and for her. So the sight of her broken and beaten in his arms caused him to feel like a failure. He failed to protect her from danger – failed to protect her from himself.

I wish you could see how much you deserve someone better than me.

Adam laid a hand under the back of her head to hug her closer to him, hoping that it would offer her some peace in her battle to find the shadow of the man that had been lost to time. Her head instantly tucked into his chest, and so he did his best to shield her from the dangerous world that threatened to destroy who she was. He was glad that she wasn’t able to look at him because if she did, his walls would’ve instantly came crashing down.

Sliding one hand under her legs and the other under her back, he lifted her up bridal style in his strong arms. Her cries had turned into small whimpers now as she struggled to regain her composure. She felt lighter than he expected – smaller, more fragile. Her tendency to project strength, just like her mother, almost made him forget how delicate humans actually are.

As Adam was in the process of carrying her to her room, he passed by Nate, who instantly rushed towards him, expression worried as he took in Lucia bleeding and whimpering in his arms. Adam had hoped that no one would notice, but everyone must’ve heard her cries by now.

“What happened?” Nate asked, brows knitted in worry.

“Please, not now Nate.” Adam pleaded. He hoped that his old friend can understand the look in his eyes to back off.

Nate must’ve understood. “Okay. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Can you clean the broken glass in the training room?”

“Of course.” Nate replied softly. He quietly walked away, something that Adam found oddly strange, given his size.

With no more interruptions, Adam arrived at Lucia’s brightly decorated room. He was glad that the lights were off because the bright colors made his sensitive eyes hurt.

He slowly eased her down onto her bed, her hands stubbornly refused to let go. He had to peel them off of his waist, which wasn’t difficult since her lack of energy meant her resistance was weak.

He was no stranger to treating injuries. During his time as a human, he was an expert at stitching himself up, a skill he learned growing up as a knight. He grabbed a towel from the bathroom, running it under the tap. He also knew where the first aid kit was.

Under the sink cabinet and next to the shampoo bottles.

He memorized this detail when he helped Nate set up the room for her first stay at the Warehouse. With her being so clumsy, it was an extra precaution that had paid off.

He came back to Lucia, quiet and staring at the white ceiling, eyes swollen and glossy from crying. She slowly sat up when she saw him, black eyes still in a state of distress. He tried to ignore the way her sad eyes followed him as he began his work.

He gently grasped her ankle, glancing at her when it was time to pull the shard out. She understood his look and slowly nodded as she turned her gaze away from her foot. Adam firmly gripped the shard in his fingers and with one swift motion, yanked it out causing a whimper from Lucia. He quickly stopped the fresh flow of blood by cleaning it with the wet towel, her muscles tensing from the pain. After all the blood was cleaned, it was time for the most painful part. He poured the alcohol on a cotton ball and did his best to be quick and efficient. A few hisses signaled her pain. He was now wrapping her foot in gauze, careful not to make it too tight so the wound can breathe.

Once he finished, she still refused to look at him, her jaw clenched tightly.

It’s better for you to hate me. That makes it easier.

Thinking that there was nothing else he could do to ease her suffering, Adam stood up from the bed, but a small, weak hand gripped his arm, still fighting to keep him from walking away.

“Please, don’t leave.” It was mixture between a whisper and whimper that had Adam retreating back to the bed, Lucia’s hand still clutching his arm as though it was a life preserver in a stormy sea.

“I’m here, Luc.” He reassured her, eyes softening. “I won’t leave you.” He surprised himself at how naturally the words flowed from his mouth

“Can you lay next to me until I fall asleep?” She whispered, eyes pleading.

Even if Adam wanted to, no words would have come out of his mouth, so instead, he nodded and laid back on the bed, pulling the quilt over Lucia and tucking her small head in his chest. He could sense her heart slowing down as she drifted away from reality, but what he didn’t expect was his heartbeat to slow as well, synchronizing with hers. The familiar rhythm combined with her comforting scent of cherry blossoms lulled Adam to sleep, one where his nightmares wouldn’t dare touch him.    

#wayhaven week 2020 #the wayhaven chronicles #adam du mortain #I really thought I would make them kiss at the end but where is the fun in that #I'm still waiting for a confession in the real book smh #I'll be 50 and this man still hasn't confessed #i hope you didn't cringe that much at this

[citizen-zero]

early 2000s fan culture definitely had problems that needed to be addressed and I’m not really advocating for a return to those days

but I do kinda miss the part where people didn’t generally assume your politics/beliefs/etc based on what fan content you consumed or produced.

like I miss that attitude that fic and fan art is there to scratch an itch—maybe that itch is for a coffee shop AU. maybe that itch is to see the protagonist and antagonist hatefuck. it wasn’t necessarily there to make a political statement (though it could!) and the way I remember it, there wasn’t really this assumption that your tastes in fiction mirrored your actual beliefs one-to-one.

Like I actively remember quite a few authors I followed either making disclaimers at the top of their work saying they didn’t support their fic premises happening IRL, or joking with their readers about the fact that someone “like them” could produce content so dark and disturbing. And most of the time, even lacking that disclaimer, I generally didn’t assume that writers/artists were depicting things as an ideal because their works pretty clearly framed the disturbing material as, well...disturbing.

like idk, I remember reading a lot of dubcon and noncon fics and teacher/student (or other adult/teen) fics and enjoying them while still understanding that the scenarios depicted were wrong. Like either the fics themselves portrayed them as wrong or I understood them to be things that would be wrong IRL.

Like again, early 2000s Internet fandom definitely had problems—racism and the fetishizing of gay men are the two that immediately jump to mind—but the general attitudes of “don’t like, don’t read” and “Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay” were solid. No one’s forcing you to read dark fic, and at a certain point, it becomes your responsibility to take measures to protect yourself, just like it’s the responsibility of creators to take measures to ensure that no one goes in without being fully warned of what to expect.

Also I hate to break it to you guys but fandom isn’t activism. You can use it as a vehicle to express and promote your opinions and fiction can definitely be a helpful tool to win new allies, but it isn’t activism. You’re not more moral or more woke just because you don’t ship certain ships or engage with certain themes. Like for the most part (and there’s some exceptions here) I don’t care what you’re into as long as you’re not treating real people like fanfic characters and you’re not subjecting nonconsenting people to your interests. And on the flip side I don’t care how socially acceptable your tastes are if you’re being rude and disrespectful and treating people like garbage.

#personal #erika's blog and bar

[deukaeloveclub]

If you were at SM and you had full control over the NCT concept what would be your plans for each subunit and NCT as a whole?

WOW. WHAT A QUESTION.

I don’t know if I have an exact idea but I have thought about this in the sense that I try to understand what SM is trying to do with NCT. 

I think I watched a video where someone said they thought that the concept of NCT is something that SM has been working towards since Super Junior and EXO. And there were some things they said that made sense. But at the same time to me it kinda just feels like SM had two (2.1/2.3?) boy group lineups they wanted to debut but didn’t want to debut as separate groups to reduce competition? Because NCT U, 127, and Dream debuted the same year and there was no new units until wayv, which technically isn’t nct now?, in 2019. So in a sense it feels like we’ve had the same big group since 2016? If they had staggered their debuts it wouldn’t. That spiel has nothing to do with answering the question I just wanted to get that off my chest. But if SM were to really commit to their own concept.

I think I would limit the units about 7? Idk it’s not a super important thing but in theory these are all subunits and 10 people feels like too much to call a sub unit anymore?

I feel like they should give each unit more specific niche concepts to differentiate them. The alternative is to promote the individuals / group dynamics more???

Better line distribution SM trains their trainees well so might as well use them. If you’re ready to debut them, then give them lines.

No unit gets a back to back comeback. Let the units rest and give others a chance to shine

Unit interactions/collabs sometimes they group feels very separated? It does necesarily have to be anything as big as NCT 2018 but maybe like a youtube dance cover with members of dif units esp wayv because you can post their mvs on your official label channel but letting their friends and technical members talk about them is a no????

NCT U 

I’d rename NCT U to NCT R or Rotate or Intro or Sleep or Waking. It’s main function would be to introduce new NCT members. Hence the possible intro name. Sleep or Waking cuz that’s part of nct’s concept and sleep is the beginning of a dream but waking up is when you start your real life. Or rotate since it’s a rotational unit. If I want a subunit larger than the number of debut ready trainees then I would rotate in members from other units, (and not just the popular members). They would probably comeback at least once a year to introduce any new members.

Since it’s a rotational unit I would want the unit to change concept and genre each comeback so that it allows new members to shine in their debut

NCT Dream

I guess I would leave this and allow it to be like an NCT U Jr. The intro group for any minor aged debut ready trainees. Put more of an emphasis on the graduation thing? Like every year have some way of signifying that they’re “moving up a year”. They’d keep doing youthful concept

This is more of a selfish thing than a business or concept thing but i would prob want to make ot7 dream a new permanent unit once they all graduate? The graduated members would just have to be rotate thru 

NCT 127

I kinda want to dub them the official beat-heavy performance team? And let them continue what they’ve been doing except they’d just comeback less.

NCT Japan

I was quite surprised when 127 put out a full Japanese album bc the nct goal is to have subunits around the world and 127 is the seoul unit(their name is even based on that). With japan being so close and their already being a Japanese member I assumed there would eventually be a Japanese subunit. So I’d make one

WAYV

I will give them that it’s probably not possible to promote in the exact same way bc the relationship with China but can we at least get an official schedule? So whatever few things are happening we can know about. I would release a full version of this (and make that their core sound?) Put Winwin upfront more, he’s so wildly popular and yet it rarely gets seen? Give Kun a chance to at least work on some b sides he’s keeps talking about how he can write and even posted that video of something he wrote (I know SM isn’t as big on having their idols involved in the process but a girl can dream)

Now that I’m thinking about it I’m wondering if the point is simply to have multiple units around the world with the same concept. I’m assuming they should be different bc that’s usually how subunits work but maybe that’s not necessarily SM’s goal.

Possible concepts

NCT Crooner Unit

r&b and soul concept. Maybe this would also be rotational unit bc I need a unit where vocalists can really shine.

NCT Rap

Also rotational? One could argue that 127 is already rap centered enough but they also are doing full out dances when they perform so I’d like to see a unit where they could focus more on their rap deliveries while performing. Also Mark and Taeyong wouldn’t be allowed for at least 2 or 3 releases.

NCT Scientists/Engineers

This is more of a visual concept but I think it would be fun to really explicitly play with the technology in neo culture technology like they could be engineers building new shit or they could like be time travelers who actually move technology forward in each era by gifting someone with technology or knowledge. They could do a cyborg concept. Actually if they incorporated technology into their lyrics it could be more than just a visual concept too. Think if Black Mirror were a music video.

NCT Culture

Same thing as the Science concept but basically with like art and fashion. Traditional Korean concept, theater concept, high fashion concept, museum v street art concept, foodie concept, etc.

To be fair to SM this is an incredibly complex concept to manage and it’s never been done before so they are making it up as they go along. Realistically not everything I mentioned is implementable and at least not immediately but there are definitely things I think they can improve on. I think that’s all my thoughts for now.

#wow #i spent hours on this #it's such a huge question #i wanna hear everyone else's thoughts now #key talks #theindividualist #ask #answered #sweet sweet moots #czennies

[paulsolorzano]

01.31.19

So when Axxxxx found out she was pregnant when we were in Fairbanks in Alaska we got a pregnancy app to chart the baby’s progress. 

The baby was due two weeks ago. 

I knew the date was coming up and it’s depressing to think about on multiple levels. Remind me to talk about it. 

—-

Was supposed to hang with Cxxxxxxx tonite but Kxxxx actually wants to see me and was asking me about it so, I’m gonna have to get out of it with her. 

Cxxxxxxxx hit me up on Facebook messenger asking if I still wanted to hang. I haven’t responded yet. 

—-

Ive been to this Starbucks so many times that the guy Josh, calls me by my name when he sees me in the camera, and knows my drink here. 

I don’t know what to think about that. 

It speaks something about my habits of course. In a sense I was happy to hear my name and my drink, but it’s like goddam, is this my life?

—

I need to remind myself not to be the old server. 

—

Still need to tell Cxxxxxxxx I need to take a rain check 

 What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Jeff Rosenstock show and how inspiring it was

Not having a baby with Axxxxx instead of having one

“Don’t be the old server”

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - POST-

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.30.19

I can’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up; it doesn’t matter because I’m not whatever it was. 

This storage space elevator smells like sweaty bodies. 

-//

Plugging along on the I-4 westbound. Something up the way is really holding up the traffic. Luckily I have my music. 

Aaron Tobin called me to let me know his (and our to an extent) boy Todd, died of a massive heart attack. He was Tobins age, 39 maybe 40. 

To be fair this guy was huge his whole life and also on drugs. He had he heart attack in jail from what I understand. He turned himself in for a warrant he had going. 

Wild shit. Living long enough for people to be dying around us 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Jeff Rosenstock show and how inspiring it was

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - POST-

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“ It’s like somebody traded out my skin, for something I could never feel good in” -Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.29.19

Jeff Rosenstock tonite. I finagled three tickets from a friend online, for me and Danielito and Kristy, but unfortunately they can’t make it. 

So I’m going solo. Asked a couple girls on the roster but no luck so far. And it’s that time. So I’ll be forging on alone. 

Gotta get earplugs. 

—-

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“ we’ll diffuse bombs, run marathons, and take on whatever together” - Grandaddy 

“Wizards, stop throwing fruit at me!” - Reggie and the full effect  

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.28.19

Monday. I’m off. Had plans with Mxxxx in the morning but she’s taken ill. 

I tentatively have plans with Kxxxx tonite, which I need to attempt to solidify tonite. Ok, the text has been sent: “hangs tonite?”

Easy enough. 

She already asked about Monday on Sunday morning after Saturday night hangs and bangs. 

Waiting on her response. Listening to Mary Hopkin. This shit is my new shit, which is old shit like back in 1969. Produced by Paul McCartney is definitely why I like it. 

—-

Of course this is all happening at my storage space. This is where I hang currently. Since I’ve been back to Orlando. I hang here with my shit and wrote and do art and catalogue and attempt to trim down and move shit around to maximize the space. 

—

So back to the Kxxxx thing, she’s ill too. Everyone is sick for some reason. I’ve always been a carrier, rarely getting ill myself. 

—

Had a conversation with Cxxxxxxxx. She was upset about a week ago when she perceived me to be placing blame on her when she couldn’t hang out spur of the moment. 

So I waited almost a week and she didn’t text or message me once. 

So I wrote her. She’s pretty much embittered by a lot of previous bull shit that other people have heaped on to the pile. 

Now I suffer for the sins of the last person. 

To be fair she was super in to me when we met and I sort of nipped the ‘let’s hop into a relationship immediately after she gets out of one’ enthusiasm in the bud. 

So, she seems to be indifferent to me, and more broadly, people in general. Hard to say. 

I don’t really need to put that much emotional energy into it, as I have other more interested coals in the fire. 

But she’s grown on me. So there’s that. 

I’m not trying to abandon any of the women I get involved with. 

Do I want to commit to any of them fully? At present, no.

And naturally I think of Axxxxx. Always her. She blew my hair back. I blew it with her. 

—-

There’s a cute Hispanic girl in this Denny’s right now, sitting alone and watching Futurama. I keep glancing over there to watch. 

Also the girl who just came in for her shift at 11:00 has just left hurriedly in tears. I have no damn clue what the hell happened. 

  What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Blink-182 enema of the state 

Weezer - blue album 

Mary Hopkin - post card

Deadmau5 - Polar: Music from the Netflix film

Dream tiger - dream tiger 

Lorn - ask the dust 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Reggie and the full effect - songs to not get married to

Reggie and the full effect - promotional copy 

Big business - command your weather 

Piebald - we are the only friends that we have 

Watching:

Step Brothers

Reading: 

Eating:

Denny’s mozzarella sticks and coffee   

Playing:

Purchases:

Paul McCartney Wings 45s

Record sleeves for 33s and 45s  

Packages received: 

Jeff rosenstock - POST casette

Wings - silly love songs 45 rpm

Mary hopkin- those were the days 45 rpm

Snow White seven dwarves figs 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Welcome to your life; there’s no turning back” - tears for fears 

“ I’m like everybody else; as a shamed of sleep I lie when a phone call wakes me” - WHY? 

Quote of the day: 

“This house is a prison! On planet Bullshit!” - Brennan and Dale, Step Brothers

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.27.19

Cold and wet all day today. Truly a day where it rained all day. 

Spent the night at Kxxxx’s house. Who’s Kxxxx you ask? She is from the internet dating app OkCupid. I broke one of my own rules and slept over there. And this was last night, which was also the first night i met her in  person and also the first time we had sex. 

I say the first time assuming there will be more times. She and I definitely get along. It’s weird because she reminds me of Holly D in several ways. 

First off Kxxxx body is kind of shaped like Holly’s. She’s taller than I am. Big tits and ass. Back tattoo from what I could gather 

 01.26.19

I do everything high these days. I’m here at Orlando you and comic con hittin the pen hard. Already smoked before I left the house. 

This con is good because it’s smaller and I can make trips back to the car to bring back stuffs I’ve gotten. So I don’t have to roll around with a backpack. 

—-

At chipotle now. Had to drive to get here. Just up the road from the mall. I don’t know if I’ll go back to the con. Technically it goes til 7 but idk. 

—-

Spent a lot of fucking money today but I knew that was happening 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Basia Bulat - good advice 

Weezer - teal album 

The octopus project 

Peter Adams - the spiral eyes 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“This is a womanly car” - me taking about Tina Watkins car that I drive around like an asshole. 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.25.19

I put the coins that I had organized fell yesterday into the sheets, I stuck them and the paper money into a three ring binder I got from Office Depot yesterday. 

I don’t want to work today but I must. 

Until I innovate my way out of this, I have to work for the man. Remember that you asshole, the next time you cry about it. 

—-

Chilled at the space and made some room for stuff. Slowly and surely ditching stuff 

—- 

got called off from work today in a Friday. I haven’t worked all week because reasons.  I asked for a couple days off to to the Neil DeGrasse Tyson thing, and the Orlando toy and comic con thing. I didn’t get get the two days off when Yaqeen did the schedule because he’s a Derp and does everything by hand. So I had two other days off, and then got the two off that I needed by dropping the shifts.  So I ain’t done shit all week. I’m gonna continue that trend into tomorrow at the con.  

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Wings - band on the run 

Katamari forever OST

Buffalo daughter - captain vapour athletes 

Weezer - teal album 

Nada surf - the weight is a gift 

Basia Bulat - good advice 

The Beatles - magic mystery tour 

No joy  - wait to pleasure 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“you’re not wide anymore; you’re skinny fat” - Yaqeen talking about me 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.24.19

Been on the pen/flower pretty solid since October when I got back from Alaska. Hell, even Alaska I was on the wax daily. 

I guess I’ve been medicating myself. 

Working on a sketch. I missed a couple days but I did one last night also:

Ok and here’s today’s: 

I’m trying to find my groove with what I want to do with all these sketches. Basically I’m just sketching shit I see. 

Sketching? Drawing? I don’t even know what to say here haha. 

And I made another 

—-

Going to see Neil DeGrasse Tyson tonite. This will be the third time I’ll have seen him. 

I was hoping Axxxxx would be in the mix at this point because she was with me the first two times. Now, if I hadn’t have fucked up recently, she probably would be with me tonite. Goddammit me. So, my one and only boy Tobin is gonna come with me. 

It’ll be nice because we haven’t seen each other in a hot minute. Ever since he got that girlfriend of his haha. Now they are in that ‘up each other’s ass’ phase.  

Update: it would seem Neil will not be speaking tonite after all. Amidst recent allegations in the last few months, he postponed/canceled his shows: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.orlandoweekly.com/Blogs/archives/2018/12/13/neil-degrasse-tyson-cancels-orlando-appearance-following-sexual-misconduct-accusations%3fmedia=AMP%2bHTML

So that is sad fucking news, especially since I’m finding out today and not a month and a half ago. I mean I knew about the allegations but didn’t think it would come to this. 

Another thing that chapped me is that Aaron Tobin fucking bailed on me before I found this out. Granted I only asked him yesterday but damn he seems to let me down a lot when there’s a specific date and time involved. 

—/

I put my paper money and coin collection in these plastic inserts

Now the only thing that blows about these inserts is that the tops don’t seal, so this shit has to be flat or upright at all times. This isn’t too bad for the paper money but clearly there could be an issue for the coins.  I later got a three ring binder to stick the inserts in. 

Also I took pics of all the packages received today. Mostly records. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Weezer - teal album 

Veil of Maya - false idol

Black octopus lipstick project - foam party 

The octopus project 

CSS - Cansei de Ser Sexy

OCEANLANE - crossroad 

The Vienna philharmonic - Beethoven’s 5th symphony

No joy & sonic boom - ep  

Teddybears - soft machine 

Watching:

Rick and Morty season 3 blu ray

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Weezer black album vinyl pre order (2 colors)

Weezer black album cassette pre order 

Packages received: 

Lots of records from joyful noise 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.23.19

The first Amanda messaged me today accusing me of stealing her loop station. I never took the thing at all. Haven’t even thought of the thing for years. She said she is gonna to file a report and mention my name to the police. 

I don’t know what her deal is. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

WHY? - sandollars ep

Marijuana deathsquads - oh my sexy lord 

STNNNG - empire inward 

Vaz - necessary, pt. 2

Alias & doseone - less is orchestra 

The octopus project 

Peter Adams - the spiral eyes 

Teddy bears - soft machine 

Gnarls Barkley - st. Elsewhere  

Veil of Maya - false idol 

Mary Hopkin - post card 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

“Hey if a serial killer/murderer/etc fits the profile exactly but has never killed, what does that make them ?” Me to Mxxxx 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.22.19

Wish I could eat chips and get fat right now. 

I went a million places today. The altamonte mall. Starbucks. These two were part of a date with Mxxxx, who I really enjoyed hanging with. She is married and its all legit. Like they both see other people and shit. So this could be good for me. 

Then did the white girl tour to tj maxx and Ross. Also before that early in the afternoon after Mxxxx I went to bright light books. 

Went a little overboard on buying shit today. Oops. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fail better heal faster 

The octopus project 

American football - LP3 pre release song

Wings - wings over America 

Status quo - rocking all over the world 

Xavier Cugat jungle drums 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Bright light books:

Art toy picture book

Avocado cookbook (for Mxxxx)

Wings: wings over America vinyl record 

Omg thrift 

These weird soft vinyl Snow White dwarves figures 

Clear makeup bag with

Kay Johnson vinyl record (with writing on the cover, a dedication to two ladies named carol and Donna)

Ross

NASA shirt 

Super NES controller shirt 

Super Mario shirt 

TJ MAXX

Vaporwave lookin Tokyo shirt 

Vaporwave lookin eyes shirt 

Marilyn Monroe skeleton with hair shirt 

Black stretch pants 34 inch waist for the first time whoop!

These fake ass sweat pants 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“When I try to be clear with you, I only end up being see through” -American football 

Quote of the day: 

“When I put my Makeup on, I take so many selfies” - male barista at the Starbucks by the Altamonte mall

“My dad was awesome. He loved pistachios and Star Wars. Only imparted one of those loves onto me. He is no longer with us, but his memory lives on through red pistachios that also no longer exist.” - Mandyism

“The problem with that idea is that I don’t have a penis. I’m sorry. It wouldn’t be a fair game.” - Mandyism

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.21.19

The girl who works here only a couple days a week, Ebony, just took a tour of the inner workings of my storage space. This was her asking if she could look at my stuffs. 

Today’s and yesterday’s sketch:

This of course being Buff Monster and Frank Kozik inspired; and my Bose sound speaker I’ve been doing and my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. Oh and the motorcycle license plate from Alaska. I had a Tupperware full of em mixed, here’s the reference: 

And then this was me and my McNugget kick of course. A packet of mayonnaise and a vinyl record, and the remote to the tv 

—/

Spent a good chunk of the day chatting with some potential dates. Mostly with a girl named Mxxxx, who is in a consensual non-monogamous marriage. She has kids also. It’s weird because she seems really into me and we are meeting tomorrow at 12:30pm. I’m excited to see what comes of this. 

-//

I’m  so excited about finding this Picasso print at goodwill today: 

Here it is hung up 

And here it was right before I stuck it in the car to take it home. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Mineral - one day when we are young 

Wizo - uuaarrgh!

Beck - morning phase 

MF DOOM - operation doomsday 

Tame impala 

Sheena Ringo (as suggested by Ebony who works at public storage)     

The octopus project 

Tame impala - lonerism 

Astronautica - Gemini 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV: 

Did a nice glam on ALC also

Purchases:

Bougie goodwill off Orlando ave in winter park:

Pocahontas toy 

Assorted comic books 

Picasso framed print 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Steady like a tricycle”

“Hoes get ripped off like Nicorette”

“Every day feels like an off day, with Ferris bueller”

mf doom

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.20.19

In line at Animal Kingdom helping my boy Orlando get in with his family.

I’m  parked in giraffe 41-49

It’s way too early for me to be awake. 

And I have to work. Aaaand I’m covering some lunch shift for my other boy Tom who has been feeling ill. 

—//

Did the animal kingdom thing. 

Did the afternoon lunch work thing. 

Got called off for dinner because it was slow apparently. 

Came home and let the roommate use her own car that I’ve been renting weekly. 

—

Still working on cleaning and bagging those 45s my mother left to me by way of Danielito

—

So, I would say it’s time for me to maybe make a shortlist of women I’m dating/working on dating. I’ve got a few hat I’ve closed already and some still in the works so let’s see here:

(shortlist omitted)

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda

Lying about my age online

Notable places visited:

Animal Kingdom

Listening to:

The octopus project - hello avalanche 

Hey Mercedes - ep

Hey Mercedes - everynight fireworks  

No doubt - tragic kingdom

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

McNuggets 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.19.19

The last couple nights in a row, Yaqeen has called me and asked specifically what I have done to further the business, Deep Space Ventures. This is good and bad that the has asked me. Bad because I haven’t done jack shit; good because he is holding me accountable. And it is giving me a little hurt to not do anything. So I will have to forge ahead. He is trying to better himself and make me be better too. Good shit. 

—-

I go to Dunkin’ Donuts just about every day to get a coffee. I stare at these fucking donuts and contemplate ordering a dozen and saying fuck all to my diet. 

The moment had already passed. 

I have to say I feel like I’m doing ok with this ketogenic diet. 

—

Just saw a new white Honda Accord. Or was it a civic? Either way it reminded me of the second Amanda. Miss that chick too. 

Remind me to tell you about the second Amanda sometime. 

Sketch of the day:

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

The second Amanda 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

The octopus project - hello avalanche  

The octopus protect - one ten hundred thousand million 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Action figures 

Lyric of the day:

“For all we know, these days are all numbered But things could get better I know Cause I'll be the first and the last one to go Lord it's a cruel, cruel world For all we know These days are all numbered And things will get better I hope Cause I'll be the first and the last one to go Lord it's a cruel, cruel world without love” 

- further seems forever 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.18.19

Sketch of the day: I was doing laundry at a mat on Mills right there by colonial. The 7-Eleven recently closed down after being there for fucking  ever. So I sat there in between the wash and the dry.

I don’t know what I’m hoping to accomplish with these sketches other than practicing. I would like to get to a decent level. 

Something to do while I’m alive. 

It’ll come in handy when I start making the toys also. Good stuff for cardbacks 

—

Donated some more shit. Slowly clearing it out. Gonna list some 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fail better heal faster 

ALL - problematic 

Rex Orange County - apricot princess 

Mineral - the power of failing 

Wings - Venus and Mars 

Sparklehorse - it’s a wonderful life 

J Dilla - welcome 2 Detroit 

JJ DOOM - Key to the kuffs

Duendita - direct line to my creator 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Packages received: 

Mineral 25 years and new single

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Slap my face, just to feel” - Jimmy Eat World 

“May all your days be gold my child” - Sparklehorse

“Come my beautiful alien, touch me with your light” - Weezer 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.17.19

Sketch of the day locked in; I did Orko from masters of the universe, from the action figure I found yesterday:

And of course the source material

So I’m on my way to sketching I suppose. Leveling up my art abilities? 

—

Minus the bear farewell concert:

My brother and I caught MTB on their farewell tour in Tampa back in November I think it was? I’ll have to check the date. 

Anyway it was nice to spend time with him at a concert out and about. It was part of my attempt to stop being a dead beat sibling. 

He and I have seen them numerous times over the years. 

—

I ReDennised Andrea Zimmerman just now. Remind me to go and append the list.  Stuck on I-4 traffic on the way home from her place. 

My exit was closed for construction so I had to take a big ass detour. I dint even care but I thought it was notable. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

  Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

J Dilla - donuts

Jeff Rosenstock - worry 

Quasimoto - the further adventures of lord quas

AJJ - bible 2

Wings - at the speed of sound 

Ok go - ok 

Trent reznor - bird box original score 

Ok go - oh no

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Wheat grass juice powder 

Boston market 

 Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.16.19

The fucking stench of fake buttered popcorn. The Altamonte Springs mall. This is my current hip spot to hang out alone at. 

Escape as a coping mechanism. 

I pretend I’m just this guy who goes through life as an observer. Which I’m not really too far from pretending lately. 

—-

You only ever see kids with short haircuts. Short little asshole haircuts. 

—/

“Found a couple discounted figs,

Sat in the massage chair with no massage,

Renamed all the restaurants in the food court 'sugar',

Decided I want subscriptions to art and toy themed magazines,

And coffee. “ - excerpt of a text from Cxxxxxxxx asking me how the mall was. 

—-

Sketch of the day is done:

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Bomb the music industry - adults 

Bomb the music industry - get warmer 

The arrogant sons of bitches - The arrogant sons of bitches!

Fail better, heal faster 

Deftones - gore

The strokes - is this it

Jaylib - champion sound 

In my room Apple Music playlist 

Favorites playlist Apple Music 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/cucumber/lemon juice/stevia drink also been adding carrot and beet lately

Starbucks venti cold brew with heavy cream and an espresso shot

Chicken nuggets from McDonald’s 

Cauliflower Mac and cheese I made 

Top shoulder loin 

Shrimp on top

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

Super 7 Masters of the universe action figures:

Orko

Evil-Lyn

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Mold and nice and stolen bikes

And a van everyone wants to break in to” - slumlord by bomb the music industry!

“Well I heard that you found somebody else 

At first I thought it was a lie” - the 1975

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.15.19

Fake funny depression. Meme depression. People taking some dark shit and slapping an out of context caption and making light of it. 

It’s not the worst idea. 

Yeah everything is shit sometimes but do I want to off myself because I don’t have a pile of money to sleep on? 

The answer is hell to the no. 

—-

Yaqeen set it up last night so I didn’t have to work today. Corporate is in town and I’m just avoiding it all haha. Next few days off also. So that’ll take care of that. 

What I need to do now is attempt to pick up at Yamasan just to have a couple extra bucks. 

Just spoke to tobin briefly; he is definitely up his girlfriends ass haha. I’m ok with it. I suppose it’ll do some good for him seeing as it’s been forever since he’s: a)had a girlfriend b) gotten laid on the reg. 

Also spoke to Frank; Microchip passed away very recently. His dog of 13 years or so. Back when Daylight District was  still in effect. 

Remind me to tell you about when I was in bands. 

—-

Naomi Singleton ‘broke up’ with me today. We only met the one time. After months of talking. She didn’t like being deceived by my fake age on Okc. Also she claims she broke out in cold sores after seeing me and kissing me. I’ve never had a single sore anywhere so unless I’m some wild carrier, she is mistaken. 

Her perception is her reality however. And I did burn her with the age thing. 

I’m considering putting my age to normal age. 

—

Made a first sketch today. The storage space wall and the table with some shit on it 

So hopefully I can try to do one a day for fun. I went to Michaels as well and picked up a few gel pens. 

Remind me to tell you where all my art supplies are. (Spoiler alert; they���re being held hostage by Axxxxx if she hasnt chucked em out. If anything she’s probably assimilated them into her own art shit. 

—-

Just saw a hotpot place I’ve never seen before here on kirkman. Instantly thought of going there with Axxxxx. I miss her.  

—

Went on a date 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Spoke to Frank about letting him know what I’ve been up to

To discuss still: 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Ale house in Kirkman for a date 

Listening to:

PUP - PUP 

PUP - the dream is over 

PUP - kids (single off the new record)

Deadmau5 - for lack of a better name deadmau

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool? 

First Astronomical Velocity - galaxy one

NOFX - punk in drublic 

NOFX - Pump up the Valiuum

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

THE NEW PUP RECORD!! preorder 

A couple books from brightlight books

Van Gogh  in Arles 

Knuckleheads graphic novel 

The 100 best business books of all time 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“The universe is unforgiving and a dick

So we’ll do our best to live” - fail better heal faster 

“ You know I’ve never been good at anything

Except for fuckin up and ruining everything” - PUP 

“We’re on an ultralight beam

This is a god dream” - Kanye West, life of Pablo 

Quote of the day: 

“I can turn you into poetry 

But I can’t make you love me” - fragment 5, weatheredwritings

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.14.19

Tokyo Elvis, who is one of my best friends, Frank Friend, who I have played in multiple bands with since we were 16-17. 

He wants me to undertake the tasks involving getting him booked in town and out. 

We’ve decided that the Comic-Con circuit would be a good fit for him. Also it would be for me as well in terms of getting a booth for the paulsstoragespace shit. 

So I’ve started the process of emailing various cons in town coming up 

—

Just saw a guy throw a rubber hammer at a peacock. A sentence I never thought I would say. 

—-

Like dead glow worms falling slowly through oil

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still:  

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Bomb the music industry - vacation 

Fail better, heal faster 

Alpha male tea party - droids

Just friends - nothing but love 

Just friends - rock 2 the rhythm 

Cornelius - point 

Walter Ferguson - Babylon 

Darwin Deez - 10 songs that happened when you left me with my stupid heart 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry 

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Sleeves for paper money 

Sleeves for coins 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“In truth, December destroyed me. January crushed me By February, I was not myself March rolled in like beatings and rolled out like a bear hug In April I stared out the window for a fucking month I don't want October. I don't want November I don't want to feel those crippling blows That I can't explain to myself, my friends or you So I soften them with hours of Nintendo”

-bomb the music industry 

“Loving you required ammunition” - Darwin Deez

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.13.19

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Killer Bee - Venus

Steffaloo - heart beats 

Lone - reality testing 

Fail better, heal faster 

Watching:

Ready player one 

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

FFXIV 

Purchases:

100 record sleeves for 7 inch records

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I came here with hope and I left with a smoking habit” - fail better, heal faster 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.12.19

Spoke with yaqeen at ihop last night. He is trying to become the assistant general manager at STK. He was speaking to a couple of the top servers and more specifically Rob C, and rob was telling Yaqeen to cut ties with being friends with servers and more specifically me. 

Now yaqeen and I are boys at this point. So it ain’t happening. But it does sting a little to hear that I’m not very respected  in that sense. 

—

Made cauliflower Mac n cheese. It was pretty tasty for sure. Nice and Keto friendly. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Emailed a few venues concerning playing: 

Herohype:

Emailed on 01.12.19

https://www.herohype.com

Omni fandom expo 

Emailed on 1.12.19

http://www.omniexpo.com

MyCon

https://mystic-con.com

Emailed on 01.12.19

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

The presidents of the United States of America - S/t

The presidents of the United States of America - II

The cardigans - first band on the moon

Fail better, heal faster 

PUP - the dream is over 

Serengeti - Dennis 6E 

Ricky eat acid - talk to you soon

Rozwell kid - precious art 

Dorothy ashby - Afro harping 

Serengeti - kaleidoscope 2 ep

Serengeti - Dennehy

Atmosphere - sad clown bad summer 

  Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/cucumber/lemon juice/stevia drink 

McDonalds 20 nuggets and a large Diet Coke ( this is the last time I swear )  

Cauliflower ‘man n cheese’ that I made

Playing:

FFXIV - got ALC up to 50, working on getting LTW up to 50 also

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Superstar, I tried to educate your childish heart” - the cardigans 

“You said it best when you said I’m a mess” - Rozwell Kid 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.11.19

Sitting here in Disney springs. I got here with an extra fifteen minutes or so; got a coffee and now I’m sitting on a bench watching people and life go by.  

Picking out the weirdos and watching them. And the eccentric girls, for some reason they just appeal to me so hard, more so than conventional hot girls. 

I need to make a move. 

—-

After hours. Waiting on yaqeen to show up at this Ihop. He and I haven’t had one of these in a while. Hopefully  he shows up haha. He said his phone was dying and he would meet me inside. 

What i did toward the business today:

Listening to Tony Robbins power to influence 

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Ihop with yaqeen 

Listening to:

Fail better, heal faster 

Angelo De Augustine - tomb

Bomb the music industry - vacation 

1997 - a better view of the rising moon  

Jeff Rosenstock - we cool?

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Tobacco - sweatbox dynasty 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Been on a huge chicken nugget for McDonald’s kick. Large diet cokes also. While they aren’t totally killing the diet, it’s probably not the best. 

Tasted the Scallops special from work 

Playing:

Purchases:

From fye all 75% off

Star Wars black series - Poe Dameron

Star Wars black series -  Constable Zuvio

Pulp Fiction - Butch Coolidge, 8 inch tall approx

Super 7 Alien M.U.S.C.L.E. mini figs

From barnes and noble:

The new issue of Juxtapoz featuring Kaws on the cover

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I wanna move to Japan 

And maybe I’ll understand 

What to do with my life” - fail better, heal faster 

Quote of the day: 

“I don’t want it now, I want it right now” - Robert Davis GM STK

8 ball questions and answers:

“Is Axxxxx gonna come back to me at some point?”

“Yes”

Hashtags: 

01.10.19

I’m on fucking autopilot. Just coasting through my days.  Get back on track you asshole. Don’t be an old server. Have more than one income. Get some fucking momentum going. 

How do I do this? What is my leverage to change? What will happen if I don’t do this? 

I need to stir up some hurt within myself. 

—-

How to innovate my way out of this? This place gives me no joy and therefore I am not giving it the attention it deserves. 

—

I’ve been sent to Starbucks by Greg the manager to get a hot chocolate for a guest. I’m on a party upstairs and I won’t be missed. He gave me his debit card. I flirted with the girl who took my order. She was receptive. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from?

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Coheed and Cambria - good Apollo, I’m burning star IV

1997 - a better view of be rising moon

Cashmere cat - 9

Tony Robbins - the power to influence 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

PUP - the dream is over 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.09.19

What i did toward the business today:

Didn’t do a goddamn thing.  Need to get on it

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

Worked on the spam email 

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from? 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Keep Shelly in Athens - 

Death cab for cutie - transatlanticism

Weezer - pacific daydream 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

Wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I wish the world was flat like the old days

And I could travel just by folding the map” - death cab for cutie 

“This is the sound of settling”  - death cab for cutie

“‘Perfect’ always takes so long, because it don’t exist” - Jeff Rosenstock 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.08.19

Last night we had the STK makeup Christmas party for all the day-one-er’s. I almost didn’t go because I feel semi depressed and don’t wanna do shit all. 

So we went and it was small but lost of the OG hang was there. Yaqeen of course and the lot. 

We all just hung out drinking and roasting the shit out of each other. 

Yaqeen and I are the roastmasters. He and I started this shit as a nice way to keep morale in the building at STK. And boy has it worked nicely. 

Yaqeen told me the whole time I was away in Alaska that he kept the roasts alive. And my memory as well haha. Those were his words. 

So, every day is now an HR nightmare in the building but no one seems to mind at all. I work the raunchiest coolest people ever. I would hang out with any of them outside of work. 

So yeah the roast is strong with all of us. I swear if we all quit the restaurant biz and write comedy, we could get famous. 

So as roastmasters, Yaqeen and I are the only two who can promote any of these jabronis trying to level up. They gotta be coming correct on the daily with hot roasts. And then when they fire of a real hum dinger of a zinger, based on the laughter of yaq and myself and any audience in attendance, that person will be leveled up immediately. 

It’s fun. I love playing games all day every day. 

—-

Been burning oil and smoking flower every day since I’ve been back to Orlando. 

I don’t want to say it unmotivates me because I do get things done, just at a slower pace. I’m on weed time. 

—

I’m hanging  with Cxxxxxxxx outside of this McDonalds here:

228 S Orlando Ave

Maitland, FL  32751

United States

Called her up randomly to see how she was. Her stomach is tied up in knots over a boy she is also seeing. 

You know, I’ve evolved into this person who isn’t jealous and just experiences women/ people as they are. I always say that some of my best relationships are been non-relationships: people I see when I see em, and we are both ok with it. 

I don’t know how I got this way but here I am. 

 Where did I go askew with the way I view relationships? And by that I just mean the non traditional way people view things.  

To be discussed later I suppose. 

So yeah Cxxxxxxxx is soaring for food from McDonalds. 

 What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Where did my weird view on relationships come from? 

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Fail Better, heal faster 

Weezer - death to false metal 

The strokes - room on fire 

HUM - you’d prefer an astronaut 

Maritime - we the vehicles 

Fishbone - give a monkey a brain and hell swear 

Living colour 

Portishead - third 

Watching:

Johnny mnemonic 

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“If I am feeling wacky, I think I might

Drink a quart of vodka

Spend the night down in the gutter” - Weezer

“What if the day had stayed in bed?” - Foo Fighters 

“All the boys with directionless hair are rough 

Languorous girls in undertaker makeup” - maritime 

“The busy sisters stunning, won’t she be stunned 

 By the infinite parade of punk rock t shirts” - maritime 

Quote of the day: 

“Electrons take up less space, so..” - Cxxxxxxxx’s roommate on digitizing pictures

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.07.19

Becoming awesome.. hmm I still haven’t done that yet. Havent been doing much of shit lately. How do I get back on track?

The answer is to just do the damn thing. 

whats my motivation? Good question to ask. 

I don’t want to be an old server. And its weird because chronologically I am 38 but I don’t feel like that. A bit odd I suppose to think about. 

so, whats the fix? Slowly work on becoming awesome. By the time I know it ,i’ll be there. But this is only going to come about through working every day toward things. I tell people all the time to just get 1% better every day, and here I am not doing that. 

I need to implement all the advice I’ve been handing out. 

That being said, what can I  work on today toward becoming awesome?

What are some things I want to accomplish? Well lemme refer myself to the giant 18 month plan I have set up

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Being a weed head

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Serengeti - kaleidoscope 2 ep

Fail better, heal faster - s/t

Panuccis pizza - don’t tip the delivery boy 

Panuccis pizza - All of my friends are familiar and the steps I took to realize this 

Tigers Jaw - s/t

Halsey - Badlands 

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Apple cider vinegar shot 

wheat grass juice powder 

Kale/spinach/radish/parsley/celery/lemon juice/stevia drink 

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“I fell in love with your face so much, that it behooves me to look away” - Serengeti 

“You can take what’s in my head; I don’t want it” - Fail better, heal faster

Quote of the day: 

"Vision without execution is hallucination" - Thomas Edison

“Stop selling: start solving and serving” - 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.06.19

I keep trying to order the Downward is Heavenward vinyl reissue but it sells out immediately. Short story is, it’s just the singer from the now defunct band HUM, is releasing the reissue in pieces, cause he’s just one guy. 

—-

Bagged up the Star Wars power of the force cardbacks in clear pages for a three ring binder 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still:  

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Cky - the Phoenix 

Ozma - Pasadena 

Chrome sparks - goddess ep

HUM - downward is heavenward

Jeff Rosenstock - worry. 

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“You can’t exist In the world, without being a part of the world, and somehow that’s comforting, when you’re not where you want to be.” -ozma

“And she got me high, 

And I barely noticed there were tears in her eyes. 

And I miss you less and less every day,

It’s true the whiskeys gone and washed you away” - Margot and the nuclear so and sos 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.05.19

So I’ve been in Orlando for a couple months at this point. Back from my 6 month detour to Alaska. 

Feels like I never left. 

I don’t know if that’s a good statement or a bad one. 

—

Bagged up some Buff Monster mini ice cream toys today. Been working on getting everything in plastic bags. Also I will start to labelling shit I want to get rid of with prices. 

This is a little momentum toward having a booth at a con somewhere. 

The real

Momentum would be to get a list of cons and then start spamming them for Frank and Tokyo Elvis and also for myself 

—

Right, so coming back to Orlando. Not bad but it’s just me back in the same groove. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Toadies - rubberneck 

Weezer - Pinkerton 

Weezer pacific daydream

Queens of the Stone Age - songs for the day

Soundgarden - down on the upside

cky - infiltrtate destroy rebuild

Watching:

The Crow on bluray

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Through the ages, we got stupid, and now we must repent” - Toadies 

“She never gets wet; she smiles and it’s a rainbow” - Ben folds 

“I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat” - death cab for cutie 

“These things don’t belong

On my list at all” - cky

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.04.19

So I’m working last night (At STK if no one has been following) and I get a text from Naomi Singleton (now this is not the same Naomi who is Axxxxx cousin who I was messaging and Axxxxx got wind of it and ended things with me once again)

She was in Disney springs. I work in Disney springs. 

So she hits me up asking what I’m doing after work; I say probably heading home, and she goes: orrrr you can hang out with me in Disney springs. 

So we met for the first time, right in front of STK, by the bridge.  

Very nice chemistry. 

So we walked through the springs a little. Hugged and held hands. I sat her down on a bench behind house of blues 

—-

What makes me follow the rules one day and disregard them the next? 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Weezer - Hurley 

Foo Fighters - there is nothing left to lose 

Local H - as good as dead

Local H - hey, killer 

Watching:

22 jump street on bluray

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Hang on til the break of the day” - Weezer 

“I’m falling in love.. what was your name?” - Weezer 

“Lately I’ve been feeling better

Wish I could stay sick with you” - Foo Fighters 

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.03.19

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Listening to:

Bombadil - hold on

Watching:

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.02.19

Tina Watkins comes back tonite. I hope she’ll let me use her car carte Blanche. She is defiantly motivated by  money so an extra hundo a week should do the trick. 

So, however long it takes for me to get my income tax money back, I’m getting a vehicle. It blows not having one. 

—-

Taking a break from the space for food and mail and maybe big lots for some shit 

—-

Moved some good stuff around in the space. Those three bookshelves (one of the four didn’t make it) are really helping me maximize the Howard space in there. 

—

I have to leave to pick Tina up now from the airport. Well, it was nice having the place to myself. 

—- 

So I sorted the car out with Tina, I’ll pay her and will use the car as I have been. Once I get that income tax return I’m gonna get a vehicle dammit. 

 Bagged up what loose Dunnys I had in a Tupperware 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Jason’s deli

Big lots 

My storage space of fucking course 

Listening to:

Jeff Rosenstock - worry

Cosmo’s midnight - what comes next 

Scott pilgrim vs. the world original score 

Red animal war - breaking in an angel 

Bjork - post 

Bjork - debut 

Chrome sparks - chrome sparks 

Fishbone - gift a monkey a brain and he’ll swear he’s the center of the universe 

Watching:

Trainwreck on Blu-ray  

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Sandwich bags for toys 

Irving stickers 

Packages received: 

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“born as a data mine for targeted marketing,  no one will listen up until you become a hashtag or a meme” - Jeff Rosenstock 

“Let’s just drink and fuckin be alive, not just survive” - NOFX 

“Give me something beautiful; I’ll believe your lies” - Red Animal War

Quote of the day: 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: 

01.01.19

Made out with a girl from my table last night. She was 23 I believe. She was with her parents and already drunk due to New Year’s Eve festivities. She and I were vining to the point where I caught her coming out of the bathroom and asked if she wanted to kiss at 12. She said she was trying to get a kiss right now, and then we did. And it was pretty on all night after that. A few more random stolen makeouts, and then got her number before we left. She was gonna ditch her parents at some point and wait for me after work, but surely she passed out. Let’s hope I hear from her today.  

—-

“I don’t even have an emotional attachment to that particular Nintendo” - me on a garbage Nintendo I just donated. 

—-

Holy shit I’m leaving target and can smell the Pizza Hut style pizza they got going on in there and it’s really making me crave it. This keto shit has been going on for two and a half months at this point. Maybe I organize some manner of cheat meal. 

—

Seeing Galina at the hospice her father is. It won’t be long for him now. 

—-

Cxxxxxxxx came over tonite. Haven’t seen her since before Christmas. I gave her her birthday present that I picked up for her. We hung out at ale house for a drink and then came back this way. 

What i did toward the business today:

What I did toward managing Tokyo Elvis:

To discuss still: 

Back to Orlando 

Becoming awesome

the ‘roast’ culture Yaqeen and I  cultivated to keep morale up

Managing Tokyo Elvis 

Escape as a coping mechanism 

Minus the bear farewell concert

Sleeping on couches when under emotional distress 

“Inventory” night

10 second romance (rearview mirrors at red lights)

Memories created from memory (instead of what actually happened)

Making peace with Al Ruiz (the back story)

Axxxxx reaching out and then me blowing it (again, but not really because I wasn’t trying)

24 hour romance (bumble and tinder and okc)

Notable places visited:

Target haha. Too high and only got a couple random things. 

Listening to:

Hum - you’d prefer an astronaut 

Swervedriver - mezcal head

Watching:

Scott Pilgrim vs the world 

Reading: 

Eating:

Playing:

Purchases:

Stranger things action figure on discount 

Scott pilgrim on Blu-ray 

BAMF score (I had a $75 store credit from trading in some Star Wars shit earlier last week):

Star Wars Han Solo vintage action figure

Ultraman fig

A couple Japanese older model kits 

Packages received: 

Star Wars power of the force bulk cardback set

eBay obsessions: 

Lyric of the day:

“Every color mixed together

Will make another, in my reality” - Basenji

Quote of the day: 

“You punched me in the boob; prepare to die obviously” - Scott pilgrim vs the world 

8 ball questions and answers:

Hashtags: