#maybe im just old now. is this what being old is

[moodymisty]

(This isn't a request, just some Konrad daydreams driven by 4am insomnia that had me screeching and I just have to share with someone while I wait for my meds to kick in!!)

Your recent post about the stinky rat man got me thinking of something truly, hilariously awful: Konrad's favorite meow meow is a PERPETUAL.

Maybe he watches her die. Maybe he accidentally kills her himself. Whatever happens, he'd probably be losing. his. fucking. mind.

..And then she comes back. Oh god, I'm loving imagining at how truly deranged he would be over that. I know he tortures Vulkan SUPER HARD after finding out he's a perpetual, but that seemed driven a lot by "You think you're good and noble(and sane)? I'll drag you down to my level."

I wonder if he'd mistake her as some kind of phantom/delusion brought on by grief and madness at first. Extra comedy: he accidentally(purposely?) kills her again while freaking out over her showing back up alive LMAO. Meow meow can't catch a fuckin' break with this man.

Now I'm wondering how a few other primarchs would react to something similar though

Sanguinius and his sons in mourning and his dead wife just shows back up like "Why did you bury me alive?!" completely unaware she DIED.

Perturabo's shitass sons being like "I told you it was a waste of time!" and then the horror of realizing they didn't escape their step-mom after all.

I'd assume all the primarchs would try to find out what the fuck happened, and maybe go to Malcador for information once they start drawing blanks? Idk.

Fulgrim would so cute, just hyped as fuck. "I have a wife? That won't get old and die before me?? I don't have to lose this one???" Bonus points if she's the last one he was going to marry because he got too heartbroken seeing his wives get old and die over and over 😫 the queen and her corgis vibe forreal

I can't really figure out Mortarion even though he's one of my faves. On one hand, WITCH!! On the other hand,he'd be so relieved the One Good Thing in his life isn't actually gone forevet..

Oh my g o d. Lorgar. Thefucking goddess shit would go CRAZY. Kor Phaeron slamming his head against a wall because he thought he finally WON. HOW DID SHE DO THAT? Some of his followers getting spooked about being rid of her because s u r e l y it was the Powers who orchestrated such a miracle... So maybe she is meant to be here? Uh oh.

Guilliman is another one I'm just like ????. All I can think of, is he'd quietly go find Emps/Malcador and be like "whattheFUCK? explain?please?how?"

It might be because I'm heavily sedated but it's all sO funny to think about. Some legions quietly rejoicing because The Distraction is gone and shejust. Comes back 😭

But can you imagine the parties thrown by the ones who really loved their legion mothers?! And you thought theFUNERAL was extravagant..

Im not sure what time it is there but I hope you slept well and have a good morning! Sorry forcthis stream of consciousness garbage by theway LOL but you always have such cool takes on things I couldnt help muself

This a joy to read friend, I have nothing to add.

Lorgar in particular with a perpetual beloved would be fucking INSANE. His whole religious trauma would be going wild as well as even some of the more apprehensive Word Bearers might be a bit more, respectful.

Imaging Vulkan's wife ends up coming back a few weeks after they desperately mourned her loss, and it's time for the galaxy's largest hug. They form a line.

#Misty's book club #jesus finding out you're a perpetural and in love with Konrad would be AWFUL you can't escape him lmao

[sensational-blue]

TADC Episode 2 thoughts

Imma Just dumb my little thoughts and catches from TADC episode 2: Candy Carrier Chaos

Spoilers are below

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So starting off with Pomi's nightmare. Pomni at the start od this episode definitely is still stuck in a "trapped and alone" she feels as if no one here (and maybe in the real world) would care if she was gone.

I think this is because of the initial smoothing over of Kaufmo's death, but after seeing that the cast was preparing to have a funeral for him (which is kept secret from Caine 👀) she realizes that yeah everyone here truly does care for each other.

Also Jax both having a reaction to hearing about the funeral (his split-second sad expression) and his not showing up for it hints to me that his want for violence throughout the episode is his coping mechanism.

He wants to let his emotions out through violence rather than sadness to try and protect himself from the painful feelings 🥺(I speculate that either Kaufmo was important to him or someone else that was died and this reminded him of their death)

Pomni's heart-to-heart with Gummigoo is what ultimately makes her feel better about being in the circus (well until he dies. RIP) I think talking to someone that is in a similar situation to herself helped her to make sense of her feelings of hopelessness. being the voice that she needed to someone else helped her in the end.

What the fuck did Caine mean by he would lose track of "who is and isn't an NPC"? HAS HE DONE THAT BEFORE AND KILLED SOMEONE? If he cant keep track of many people then why are there so many rooms? why not just have rooms for the main cast and do away with the old member rooms if you don't want to add anymore?

What was the "figurine incident", Jax? 👀

Im glad we see that Zooble really does care. they set up the funeral themself and even spoke during it 🥺I love them more now.

Ragatha trying so hard to make Pomni feel better is so endearing but she really does not know how to comfort someone lol

#the amazing digital circus #text post #tadc #tadc pomni #tadc jax #tadc ragatha #digital circus #tadc zooble

[daftpatience]

Hi, I used to draw a lot but I've not drawn/created for a long time now, any tips to get back into it?

Or rather the whole thing about making art for yourself, I used to get a lot of attention for being good at art from other ppl and I'm not sure how to connect it back to myself again

I'm also contending with the Autism "It needs to be done in this way" and the ADHD "I can't focus for shit"

Also please don't worry if you don't know what to say, I'm just trying to get a variety of opinions to try and untangle my brain

Thank you in advance 💕

i think a good way to get back into creating *for yourself* whether its to come out of a dry spell or just to get back to creating things that you like, is what i call 'backtracking' (bearing in mind that my particular methods may only work for me! im lucky ive never struggled with focus when it comes to drawing things, but maybe some of these things will help as my main goal when drawing is to entertain myself!)

also before i move on this i think is valuable: you gotta draw things that you aren't gonna post sometimes. it's fun and fulfilling to make art for an audience, and wanting attention is not shameful (ITS HUMAN!) but also we live in panopticon times and i think its good to train your "i am alone doing something for myself and no one has to see it" muscles.

backtracking is a couple different things:

look back to when you were really young. what kinds of drawings were the most fun to do? what did you spend time on or get really into? for me, this was a few things! tracing cartoons, drawing up elaborate scenes of lots of little creatures doing a thing, and designing little characters as paper dolls and making their houses and little furniture and accessories and such to cut out and play with. also getting paint all over my hands (i still paint my whole hand whenever im done doing something with acrylics before i wash up! its stimming)! backtracking here is when you try to take those things and make use of them now. try to find that old joy and use it in a way that makes you happy today, even if it's something small or silly or embarrassing. it can really help you rediscover what parts of art make YOU happy!

if you're regularly drawing and in a slump, backtracking for me is stepping back and doing either more exercises and practising the things you feel like you already know how to draw (ie. studying angles of the face or pulling up imgs of rooms on pinterest to see how normal people arrange furniture etc.), or simplifying your drawings to a level that feels more relaxing and less stressful. (ie. chibis instead of more detailed characters etc.) i find i kind of fall back to chibis when i feel lost, and then sort of rebuild from there. its fun to let my style change as i grow!

ALSO! im telling your autism this for your adhd's sake (this is useful for anyone i think): if there is a part of art that you do not enjoy doing or find boring but you feel it is an important or necessary step in the process? the secret is it isnt! art is made up. if you hate lining, dont do it! if youre a digital artist and get caught up picking a brush every time because you feel like you need the perfect one? switch to mspaint for a bit to get the nerves out. it can be really freeing!

art is for having fun and fulfilling our need to create. the rules are all made up and not real. perfectionism is the little death that something something i forget. yeah

#hope that helps! #art advice #sorry its a lot of text

[illogicalvulcans]

y'know i think i prefer when showrunners have an ending in mind to work towards and/or at least a general plan for the show they're making actually. idk maybe I'M the weird one for liking story cohesion between seasons in the shows i watch

#also state your lore in the show itself goddamn i hate twitter lore retcons #like i love a multi season arc!! but they're rarely good if you're flying each season by the seat of your pants #like i was a spn girlie back in the day okay say what you will about it but at least s1-5 felt like they were building towards something #and after that they just had to start jumping the shark eventually bc when you only have a plan for one maybe two seasons out #you come up with the biggest baddest boss you can think of and then whoops they cant be the biggest and baddest any more #bc you've been renewed again and need a newer bigger badder boss to beat #repeat ad nauseam until you kill protag 1 give protag 2 a party city wig and banish protag 3 to wherever the fuck after 15 seasons #and like i feel for showrunners who HAVE a plan but they have no idea if their show is gonna get cancelled after 3 episodes #bc it didn't get streamed as much as [insert giant media franchise reboot/remake/revival/etc] within the first 2 milliseconds of launch #i can't decide if i mean this post as a targeted show vagueblog or just a general criticism of tv today yet #so feel free to interpret as you will #maybe im just old now. is this what being old is #grumble rumble annoyed noises boo grr etc etc #illogical rambles

[faunandfloraas]

It is kinda funny seeing people talk about Seungmin lately because he definitely has gotten more bold and confident for sure. He's also just getting opportunities to be perceived as an individual on his own as well for the first time in a while but it's still jarring to see people be like Aw he was always such a quiet goodie two shoes little nerd and it's like...... he was the one to leave and seek out his own vocal coach and blatantly talk about it, which of course lead to I.N and Lee Know also doing the same, he was the one to go on bubble and tell off sasaengs who used to camp outside their old dorm for invading members privacy but also because it effected other residents and staff at the complex, something that i'm certain upper management wouldnt have been happy about, and he wasn't curt or nice about it either. like he's never actually been a wallflower, he's always had a pretty strong backbone and seems to stick to his principals, its not really new.

#even silly shit like bringing up drinking even tho staff has clearly told him not too #like yeah its silly but its still sticking to his guns of being like we arent actually children anymore thanks #the food thing too like in an old 2 kids room he said something about not being able to eat on his bday bc they were filming so evidently #there was a moment in time when he caved to the shitty diet obsession kpop had but ever since hes never really said anything like it again #instead hes telling everyone to eat well and reminding people to have dinner or lunch every other day #even the comment about growing his hair out but then being like lol the stylist probably wont like me saying that or whatever #and like the yeah im going to the gym but im not lifting. dont expect me to bulk up. im doing it for stamina<< that made me cackle #bc i did see people on twt being like but what if seungmin got buff tho omg hed be so hot 🥺 Well him bein buff isnt what this is about #so he went and made sure people were realistic. not everyone needs to be noticeably cut yk #idk maybe bc i watched most all the skz content all the way through #and now i go back and gif stuff i notice patterns more easily than if youve been here for longer and havent watched older stuff #for a while- maybe? idk its just funny but i also see takes a lot and have to stop myself from going No <3 #anyway this is my obligatory insane ksm tangent of the week. see you in 5 minutes. #🐶

[pikkish]

Yeah we've already talked about how outright stupid the lore n writing for modern Doom is, but tbh I can understand why they had to do something with Doomguy, why they had to make him The Specialest Boy instead of Just Some Guy. Do I like how they did it? No, I would've taken it a different direction. Do I think that hugo could've done it well even if he took it in the direction I would've? No, I have minimal faith in his story writing. But realistically, how many times can a guy singlehandedly accomplish the impossible before you have to acknowledge he's very much not Just Some Guy who happened to be at the right place at the right time? I think that, with how every single other person on the Phobos UAC base were killed in Doom I, doomguy stopped being Just Some Guy the moment he decided to do anything other than just lie down and die.

#pikspeak #im sure this is old news what with eternal being 4 years old now but. idk ive been thinking abt it. #i dont like the 'you were a chosen one from the very beginning!' trope too much #makes it feel a little like what the character actually does doesnt really have any significance #like if they were the chosen one who was going to win from the very beginning then why does it matter. #its the whole free will vs predestiny argument and. idk. i just think it could be done better. #no modern doomguy cannot be just some guy anymore but. it couldve been done a lot better. let him have been just a normal guy who had the #option to be normal and die but chose not to and through his own actions made himself significant #then again. maybe it wasnt the moment he didnt stay down that he became significant. i do like the idea of blazko having something to do #with it. i do like the idea of blazko having picked up the spear having something to do with it. #but still. 'youre actually a god and you were going to be this powerful Always' is just. not appealing. let him have some influence in his #own power. u dont even need to take the thing w the divinity machine out. just make him a separate entity from davoth instead of davoths #clone/destined counterpart. let dg make the decision to rise to davoths level instead of saying he was always there from the beginning. #sigh. i couldve written eternals story so much better. and yet. somehow i am still repeatedly drawn back to it. sighing smh.

[orcelito]

minor details, but in chapter 68 of trimax we do see this bit:

the items that vash kept in his coat.

a "funbari doll" (which i cant find anything definite online about what that is with just a cursory look, so im going to run under the assumption that theyre some kind of collectable in-universe) & it's a red one, which is apparently rare. he still has the same pen radio that connects to his earring that's used waaay back on the sandsteamer. a swiss army knife, a random key, a used tissue (?), and...

a lighter? blow torch? i still cant tell what that last bar thing is tho. & i guess he had some kind of (normal) coin too? but Only One.

love the characterization implications for this lol. definitely the kind of pocket contents i'd expect from a silly immortal with a big coat

#speculation nation #fanny reads trigun #fanny's trigun analysis #trigun #just. hm. for Fic Purposes this is pretty useful. #it's cute that he has the doll. very vash. #overall tho it's very utility-driven. swiss army knive + blow torch. Yeah those would be useful to just have. #gotta wonder what that key is to. maybe i'll keep my eyes peeled in my official reread to see if it's mentioned. #otherwise i might have to just accept it as an unknown. & perhaps make smth up for Fic Purposes lol #he got the pen back from Kaite. which is a very interesting detail. not exactly useful for my fic bc he does not have that pen anymore lol #unsure if the coin is currency or some other thing. if it Is currency then lmfao @ vash being flat broke before all of this. #but THEN AGAIN early on he does say a lot of money gets in his way traveling east to west (i think it was) so What's The Truth Vash? #anyways im still looking for a new icon. got a few possibilities but im still undecided. #in the meantime U guys can have this lol. im fascinated by all the little details that are put in like this. #i really do love that he carries a swiss army knife & a blow torch. would they still call it a swiss army knife? #he does refer to the french language so obvs he knows about old earth stuff. for ease's sake id probably just call it a swiss army knife lo #bc yes now that i know he carries a swiss army knife it will Possibly come up in my fic. this is a tool i can use for my Purposes heheh

[definitelynotnia]

im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

#in our house kids dont stay outside past 6:30pm'' but now all of a sudden its fine for my brother to play #till 10:30 at night #she literally stopped me permanently from going down in the evenings since i was in class 7-8 #this is why ive never had any friends outside of school bcz she wouldnt let me leave ths fucking house #and now that my brother is in class 7 #he's allowed to be out playing with his friends till 10 freaking 30 #he comes home an hour late sometimes...45 minutes and almost always at least 30 minutes late at NIGHT and she says nothing except like #one sentence #yeah im only the villain i only keep u locke #up in the house its all my fault #this is just so damn unfair #like literally insulting #im not a child what is her problem #what sort of fucking solution is 'never leave the hostel' like ok even if i do that what happens then??? after i graduate? #i'll be a 24 year old who doesnt know shit about going from one place to another without a man present] #and then this woman preaches how she 'always raises her son and daughter equally' like srsly shut the fuck up #my whole life i've been told abar late?'' #and for me bcz i would come home 5-10 minutes late nd i did it maybe once or twice she made me completely stop going down to play #5-10 minutes late from 6:30 wherein he comes an hour late from 9 fucking 30 #and this sounds so stupid bcz im an 18 year old now and i dont give a fuck abt how long i got to play but its just unfair dude #with me it was always smthn or the other either exams or she gets miraculously sick every time i want to go out to play #im not even kidding she did a whole “i have fever and ur going to leave me like this and go play?” on me one time bcz i was adamant abt goi #after months of not being able to go bcz of exam or smthn or the other #she did not have any fever it was fucking bullshit #and how am i supposed to help with ur imaginary fever anyway im literally 12 #its so fucking annoying man and then if i say anything at all she'll go on a tirade about how #like YOU DO THOUGH??????? im sorry ur feelings are hurt bcz i said you do smthn that u LITERALLY DO #istg not even 2 days ago she was having a fight with my dad abt how he should teach my brother to learn how to cycle so that he can go buy #groceries #i can cycle

[jamiethebeeart]

:D (I ramble in my tags about this)

#shuichi iguchi #shigaraki tomura #mha spinner #bnha spinner #spinaraki #spinneraki #ok now that the tags are out of the way LETS TALK #i was reading a webtoon when female lead did that whole laugh and cover it with your hand thing and i do it sometimes too #and i got to thinking about WHY and why its usually girls depicted as such and i know some people dont like their teeth/smile #and im like well shut the fuck up! im thinking fem spinner!!! like being self conscious about how she looks and developing it on accident #and shigaraki never really noticing until one day she DOES and wow spinner looks really pretty when she laughs and why does she hide it #like damn!!! i have a lot of thoughts about what spinner but female and the changes that would have on the character and why and agdjfkflg #ANYWAYS someone stop me from regressing to the old way i used to do hair bc its too damn time intensive but its so easy to zone out during #fem shigaraki #fem spinner #was going to properly do the background but i got done after forgetting the texture for spinner for the 4th time + went eeeh good enough #also!!!!!! the last “”panel“” made me realize how weird that angle is to draw spinner with his major proportions and also keep the soft 1/2 #2/2 smile reading as a smile and agdhfkfl am i adding “looks like a resting bitch face” to my spinner headcanons? maybe. #but imagine spinner trying so hard to look approachable and give a little smile but his face just????? doesnt do that very well (at least #not as easily as more human looking humans) and how that might play into his ostracization and then him leaning into that #as a defense mechanism (like if they think im an ass then I'll look like an ass on purpose) ahdndn he was so grumpy in the bar in the bg #mha jbee

[corvidaedream]

in my quest to maybe move back to providence after 20 years, im looking at jobs down there and damn i think i might be better off financially pivoting to carpentry/construction work for a while

#messages from the ouija board #the biggest two hurdles there are 1) gender. on multiple levels. but maybe i could get my dad to put in a good word for me w an old contact #bc he seems to know every tradesman in rhode island somehow. a #but like. every manual labor job ive ever had other than assisting my dad. gender has become a Problem. and itll probably be worse now #and then 2) id have to get a vehicle and all the bells and whistles w that #though idk maybe i could ask my coworker marty about how to get into stage carpentry #bc hes trans and seems to be doing well in it #ive always enjoyed manual labor stuff like i love painting i love demo work i loved repairing tombstones i love building shit #but the few times ive actually been hired by people who arent family its been a real struggle to be taken seriously #in one case i got harassed (over being a 'woman') into leaving #and in another it just made the guys on the crew increasingly uncomfortable 'having a girl around' and when the current job wrapped up #i just got ghosted. no telling me where the next job was. no returning my calls. nothing. #and im scared of that happening again. but also. the money seems way better than museum work wrt what im qualified for

[crunchycrystals]

that geras scene at the end is killing me as someone who has also been fighting for so long to survive middle school, to survive high school, to just make it to adulthood. i'm so tired and i can barely think further than a year or two from now but the book has been constantly referencing looking back on your past and imagining a future where it gets better because as you get older you keep improving, you keep going, and i really needed that. i can imagine a world like percy was where i'm old and sitting on a porch with a friend, actually being able to rest instead of fighting just to make it through the day. growing older with people so i can look back and tell myself now that it really does get better.

#crunchyposts #pjo #cotg #cotg spoilers #reading commentary #me ventilating #hey sorry ive been going through it for the past few weeks and this sums up exactly how i'm feeling #this series really just got it like i've been fighting demons in my head since i was around 11 years old close to the same age as percy #i was an undiagnosed neurodivergent child who got to see someone like them who dealt with the same stuff #and now im closer to his age in cotg and its still the same stuff #it just means a lot to me :') #it was what he said about rest that really got me because i dont think ive been able to rest in the past 3 years maybe even more #im so so tired dude. but i keep going. im still here. 11 year old me made it and me now will make it #like what sally said i feel helpless thinking about being (age in 2020) not understanding why my brain worked that way #but that person made it through and i will keep making it through

[mossytrashcan]

Unrelated but I was thinking about Koschei for reasons (I was reading about proto indo European pantheon and it turns out 'Fire God formed in water' is a myth researchers think they mightve had and it remonded me of Vassa) and am I allowed to say how funny it is that like, Koschei is so directly named after a myth. Like Bone Carvers his own thing and Stryga is technically got like The Three Fates/The Witch in Hansel and Gretel vibes, and then there's Koschei who is basically just the guy from the myth including the title. ALSO protoindoeuropean pantheon speculation is dope BTW you should research it its fascinating

Bold of you to assume I haven’t already researched it. I fucking loved anything protoindoeuropean as a kid, the folklore FUCKS

Anyways, personally I would’ve loved it if SJM combined Lanthys and Koschei together into one character. I think (no shade to ACOSF and it’s enthusiasts) instead of the rehab/whatever plot we got, we could’ve gotten to see a little brief corruption arc w Nesta and Koschei

Cuz like imagine a story where this deathless death god found out about cauldrongate and was like psychologically manipulating Nesta into gathering all of the troves (his soul bits) so that she could 1) become his queen/weapon, 2) make him all powerful, and 3) become a literal shield for him because the gang would have to kill her to kill him

(gonna unprofessionally ramble in the tags because I need to brainstorm about this lol)

#this probably sucks ass but I genuinely love the Koschei the Deathless myths sauuur much #like how fucking dare you throw him in there casually #anyways I need to work out the wrinkles in this hmmm #I know I’m bomb at pitching stories but there’s stuff missing and I need to work it out yknow #but yeah drop the mortal queen who’s evil thing cuz honestly who gives a fuck #also no shade to the rehab thing it was v relatable but also clearly a background for super sex #it could’ve been set up in the christmas special too #like oooo look something’s weird with nesta what could it be #and then also instead of there being too much free time for cassian to come off as an asshole #maybe he’s like trying to get thru to her or something #maybe it could be a literal retelling of the koschei story where the guy fucks his ass up for his lover #yeah that’s good see I just need to brainstorm in live time #sjm critical #THIS ISNT ABOUT HER I SWEAR IM JUST PITCHING #also also you could tie in nesta’s grooming for grooming #like in a sick way this is what she was raised to do #her wacky grandmother who def existed to make her story more sad laid the foundation for this #and now she has to like break that cycle and reaffirm that NO she doesn’t need to exist for old men #she deserves something better and epic #idk man I’m going crazy sorry

[anotherpapercut]

sometimes I forget a bunch of my mutuals are younger than me AND I'm an 80 year old man and I'm like why are all the other old men posting about people I've never heard of

#some of you are literally just 22 and sometimes i feel like there are decades between us when you say stuff #im only 24 i just act like someone whos minimum 55. i was supposed to be a gen xer but smth went wrong in the factory #and now i talk like a boomer #once i was like 'omg i can't believe u have never seen this show that aired 20 years before either of us were born!' #to a friend whos like maybe a year an a half younger than me or smth #and they were like well its not my fault youre an old man stuck in a teenagers body #which is fair bc thats accurate. :/ im one of those annoying mfs at a party whos constantly going 'wait who is that? what show?' #bc i dont. i dont pay attention to modern pop culture. whenever i meet people i have to be like im sorry im a douchey hipster #you will hear me complain about cassettes being the optimal way of listening to music

[fairy-grotto]

hey so why the fuck did no one tell me that you hit a certain age and then cyclically want children? Like monthly?

#fairy is rambling #i was crying over a dad crying over how much he loved his baby today and I'm like what the fuck why am I crying #and i think about it really hard #and then im look oh shit im about to have my period #being broody wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't single #living at home with my parents #and 22 years old #as much as i would love to be a mother #NOW IS NOT THE TIME #who the fuck came up with this shit #anyway im skipping my period cause im not doing that mess this week #also does the brooding hit everyone or is it like heightened in certain people #cause i feel like im always like this but again that could be cause I want kids and am friends with many people who don't #like is it just exacerbated because i feel like an outlier #eh who knows #tbh i don't care my kids are gonna have so many aunties and uncles #maybe its worse for me because i am constantly mothering everyone I know #eldest daughter curse

[yappacadaver]

and it's like despite all the awful shit he's done and continues to do, like, i get it. he's employed like 24/7/365. he never got to live a life, despite spending a childhood clinging to the hope of having one someday. He knew companionship and love but lost it and can't ever get it back. His circumstances are so anomalous and gruesome that it completely isolates him from pretty much every other human being on the planet. he knows hell is real and he is basically guaranteed to go there if he can't break this demon curse thing.

like it doesn't make the kidnapping and spreading the curse around any better, but i do get it.

#like personally i don't blame him for the actual murders #and it's hard to blame him for hiring people without telling them because like lol. #anyone who's like 'oh he should just tell ppl about the demons' like what are you onnnnnn if you went to a job interview with a creepy old #guy and he started talking about demons and hauntings and shit you would think you're being pranked or that he's lost his damn mind #and fuck offffff with the 'ohhh not me im a quirky bean i'd love to take a job if the interview was like that' like sure. ok. maybe YOU wou #but what are the odds that milford in 1998 coming off the satanic panic has a thousand yous running around waiting to be hired #like i honestly dont have any suggestions for how he could have handled the hiring situation any better #now the actual JOB i have plenty of feedback #like yea he should be there to train your ass against the demons lol we got more hands-on guidance for the embalming (the non deadly part) #but like the whole 'raymond is evil cause he kills possessed ppl and hires people without telling them abt demons' #do you think that old man can run the whole mortuary by himself and also have time to teach classes #until he inevitably dies from either stress or the demons and is sent to hell (which he knows is real)? #it's my understanding that by having others around who can help him fight the demons he'll have the spare time to figure out how to #break out of the demon curse or break possession or literally any useful information that could treat the disease and not the symptoms #he is running out of time!!! he is only getting older and the demons are only getting more frequent and someday he won't be fit enough #to properly banish them!!! if you even care!!!!!!!!! #fucking tag essay lmao #mr delver i wont u...

[orcelito]

It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.

But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like

.... OK yea maybe I have some problems

Also this one 😂😂😂

#speculation nation #it's ok i am now in therapy and we have weekly appointments set up #i havent always had the best experiences with therapy. and by that i mean it has never really been helpful to me #mostly tho bc it's been depression therapists. and i dont actually have depression. #what i DO have is trauma! and barely managed adhd and fibromyalgia. #and especially grief trauma in the past 5 years. oh God do i have grief trauma. #but i searched Specifically for a grief therapist with this. so she should be equipped to properly help me. #ive managed to reach an okay place regarding my old traumas. but this stuff. man it's hard. #i pushed myself to a near panic attack the other day upon realizing the painting i have is an authentic lithograph #& the realization that i am carrying the mantle of several generations of my family now. #most of the generations above me are now dead. so it's up to us to carry on their memories #and i am The One who is unapologetically incredibly tacky. up to me to carry that legacy. #it's pressure. weight that i didnt want. but i dont want to ignore it bc i dont want them to be forgotten. #so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult. #help me remember them without being paralyzed with panic and dread. #and maybe help me with my death paranoia...? 😅 i dont like feeling like anyone in my life could die at any time. #inevitable after my uncle died with only a month's warning and my dad died with barely more than a day's warning. #idk. for someone whose will to live comes from the people i love. it's rather paralyzing. #just gotta cling to the people i have left. and hold them dear. #negative/ #kinda but not really. tagging just in case considering the subject matter. #idk im just trying to sort things out. no one goes through this many sudden deaths without a severe complex over it. #but. im in therapy now. and im trying. i am.