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#maybe i should banish myself from tumblr until i actually get things done. thst will increase my suffering but might shorten the duration
opens-up-4-nobody
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2 years
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#dear diary. im sad again wah
#agh not sad exactly. just brain fog. i can't focus and im so tired but i haven't even done anything
#like ive done not that much this weekend. which sucks bc ive got so much to do.
#i didnt even draw too much today bc i was so out of focus. i dont even kno what i did today
#i think ive just kinda been laying here since like 4 or 5 and its almost 9 now
#so idk. i wish i could control my attention and make it do things
#ugh ill try to work on campus tomorrow. at least until 1 when i have to meet a guy abt a phd position
#but i feel like im gonna die on campus bc there r ppl there :-( but i cant focus here either
#everything's just foggy. i dont kno it might help if i met with my boss so we could talk abt things that need to get done
#but idk i dont really have to. im afraid shes gonna tell me she never got the data i sent her at 3am bc she never sent it back
#and then im gonna cry. but whatever
#next week were going out to the field again. for a week. gathering more samples thst will kill me later
#so i might freak out again. but its not as far a drive this time. and the other person were going with knows me fairly well
#im not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing. ugh.
#maybe i should banish myself from tumblr until i actually get things done. thst will increase my suffering but might shorten the duration
#blah. i wish i could read. or focus. that would make reading papers less terrible
#idk what im even gonna do tomorrow. program a thing. write some stuff. continue to be sad and out of focus
#too much thinking abt the future and stressing out abt picking a program to join when i haven't even been accepted yet
#i mean. to b fair i got accepted to all the schools i applied to for my masters and i didnt kno shit back then
#so i feel like if u have a masters the grad school is like: ok u kno how to do grad school ur in
#bc grad school is fucking weird
#but im like do i wanna do 3.5yrs in the uk on a riskier program or up to 5yrs in the us where the vibe feels more stable
#but idk i havent even started writing for the scholarships and i feel like im too late to apply for one of them anyway bc its like jumping
#thru 90 thousand hoops. so idk. idk. i have to create a project proposal 1st and idk what to do.
#i mean i sorta kno but like i dont wanna sound dumb so agh. im tired
#i want the perfect idea to come sweep me off my feet but i instantly start talking myself out of everything
#ugh. actually i kno what happened. i got all excited on Thursday. like properly excited. which i dont like to do bc my mood bottoms out
#afterwards. like this. that's why i dont get excited abt things. i keep myself at a stable neutral. a light misery if u will
#hhhhhh so im rambling and procrastinating and sad. but tomorrow will b better bc Tomorrow i. will. focus.
#unrelated
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