#but idk i havent even started writing for the scholarships and i feel like im too late to apply for one of them anyway bc its like jumping | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cocona · 4 years

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anyway im back here again cos apparently idk what a diary is nor what a private acc is n i dnt want a character limit to say whats on my chest so.

i feel guilty for trying to take my life bcos dealing with the aftermath is a hassle n now my parents have to pay disgusting amounts of money bcos i decided to get shitfaced w porto n xanax at 8am before class n fainted on the bus n almost smashed my skull here n there. n bcos im gross like that the dizziness made me feel so good it was enjoyable to sit on the floor waiting for an ambulance. when they asked me what had happened to me, i was so dazed i started crying n then said i had taken a lot of pills ! which i had. but i didnt mention the alcohol cos i hadnt taken enough for it to be noticeable. barely three gulps. im not even a heavy drinker or whatever n at that point i rlly just wanted to faint or die or sth in between n i didnt achieve any of those. i just rlly . existed n floated until i got admitted in the hospital n put on these robes and started crying a lot cos it all fell on my head. i’d be living monitored. i’d be living. and also, now my parents had to deal with me going to the hospital for the second time in less than a week cos i cant keep my hands off prescription pills. the therapists there kept saying i was banalising it too much n that trying to kill yourself isnt light. but ik that and it’s not because they tell me that i’ll feel any less numb. idc ! hm . idk why im writing this. because im idealising abt passing away again and i feel the need to say it somewhere. the semester is starting in three weeks and id like to be positive about it n hope for the best n start living like a normal college student but already i feel waves of heat all over n my palms are sweating n im starting to feel what i see and see what i feel. it’s so bad . weird ass symptoms i cant explain but that are due to anxiety n dissociation n their weird crossovers. it’s seven in the morning and i havent slept all day. i could easily stay awake until i complete a 24h shift and then clock out for five days. the only reason why i dont try anything dangerous is because i dont want my parents to feel like i cant be trusted just bcos i have wild tendencies. lately ive been afraid of becoming addicted to things because i keep watching things abt them. id never smoke to the point where id be a stoner and id never become an mdma addict but it seems that any form of escape would soothe me greatly. i take engagements that lead nowhere. the director of uni said that he felt like i wasnt there seriously. i am not indeed. i am but a soul trying to leave bcos it’s too much. im tired as hell and i dnt even want to wait for a walk in to take over, i just want to end it all. but at the same time i accepted to go back this semester so my parents wouldnt worry, so i wouldnt be bored, and so tht if i was supposed to meet my soulmate @ uni i dnt miss them. these are laughable reasons but theyre reasons nonetheless. everyone has their ways of coping and finding motivation i suppose. i feel embarrassed to write things for everyone to see but i think only i will be reading this later. listening to sad songs does help to get in a certain headspace. i dont want to sleep because then i wont have these songs. im scared of losing everything else but what i want to lose. i wish i had a valid reason to take time off without having to pay back my scholarship and without feeling like im wasting the resources of medical institutions and professionals. bcos what is there about me. what even is wrong with me. why do i feel so bad ! why do i feel so bad, nothing has ever happened to me and yet i feel stressed and sad n like trash and i want to die but also i have massive ego boosts n im embarrassed n blush a lot . why am i like this. these days ive been asking myself if it’s normal to be still single when ure a wlw n ure 17 but i suppose that since we’re repressed it’s normal. i suppose that since the first girls i ever kissed were my sister then my best friend it’s normal id feel gross about my sexuality. i suppose that after men liberally rubbing their hands on my thighs n boys making fun of my misshaped body through all of my school years it’s only normal that id hate my body. disgust is a common theme, alongside disease and vomiting. things like that. i wish i had a clear image of my duty and role here. all i feel is pain. what am i even here for. i feel like i broke so many rules and that in a sense i cant be saved anyway. i just want to feel loved and useful and like i fit in for once. im tired of saying i like being alone because im too anxious to open up and too timid and used to being talked to first that idk when to stop talking and when i reveal information abt me thats not normal to be revealed in regular human interactions. i want to keep living so that there will be a book with my name with hundreds of unsent letters. perhaps ppl will relate to this later as well. heartache is normal. but why dont i get any precise diagnosis and why am i still doing so bad even after all this time... im tired of being angry and embarrassed and sad and aggressive and disgusted n feeling worthless and useless... give me a purpose.... or give me the tools to leave calmly and quietly... with no loud movements !

#general tw ig #dnt rb #uhm tw suicide anxiety depression hospitals medication drugs alcohol school assault #ig #idk i forgot how to tag tws

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poppymadness · 6 years

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i....i don’t know

#i’m just gonna say the stuff on my mind i’ve been making myself feel miserable #uh emo posts have been rlly hitting me hard lately and they stay on my mind #my dads been starting to hug me everyday?? like a ritual thing?? for the past week week and a half maybe #and i....rlly dont like it #like hugs are ok i guess idk i’m just not a hugger ive realized i dont rlly like hugs much #i have to be in a mood i guess i have to be ok with it i dont mind being hugged im just not into hugging back #idk i dont like hugs alright cool #& then there’s saying ‘i love you’ which i like to say but i just #it’s a nice thing to say it feels good i just...can’t say it everyday that’s a bit exhausting #saying it to ashley is no problem dont mind that but i hate saying it as a lie it makes me gut bottom out i have to say it to my mom a lot #and that’s a lie i have to feel like saying it love is more an expression through action for me #than with words. doing most things verbally is just. awful #there’s been a lot of instances....a lot.....where my mom is just. ‘do you even love me’ and i..#cant answer her i dont answer her and it upsets her but i cant lie & i cant say it often and my gut bottoms out i cant #so forms of affection i actually like: hand holding & heads on shoulders that shit is good that shit is the most comforting #and i just saw the post that’s like ‘ur depressed as a kid and then ur 18 and ur lost bc u havent planned being at this point of time in thd #world’ blah blah and haaaaaa im eighteen in less than a month what #all it’s done is make me not wanna be in this world more but im going to college & theres a whole financial crisis bc im lazy & the dorm i #want is super expensive bc i cant suck it up and live in the same room as someone & i wont look at scholarships bc that makes the future too #real & i cant write fucking essays bc it makes me think of the panic attack i had a whole day after taking the fucking fsa i hate 10th grade #i just want to be a good person but im jack shit and i dont plan to be anything more than nothing i hate all of this #i do things i consider to be good and beneficial - like donating blood is the most recent thing - bc it feels like the only contribution i #can give & im signed up as an organ donor bc at least if i die i can help someone else skxksxksa #im so fuckin shitty im so fuckin bad im so stupid & i want my mom to stop talking about college every day for onCE and skxkwks #fuckin gambling smoking bitch u cant handle urself either who r u to make me feel so horrible #this is so much more than i was planning im queueing - not spelt right - this fuck #im just gonna go think of a boy & try to fruitlessly be good thx

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woojinieemoved · 6 years

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Friends to Lovers!Kim Donghyun

member: kim donghyun // mxm

genre: fluff

writing type: bulletpoint

word count: 1.4k

a/n: lol im either gonna edit a bunch of my writings or just copy and paste so sorry if some look nice and some look crusty // this one is rewritten btw!

my masterlist

so it all started when you had a project in your first year of middle school

it was kinda big for a middle school class so your teacher randomly assigned people

and wow what a coincidence you got the one and only kim donghyun!!

you had no idea who he was so you assumed he probably went to another elementary school

meeting him wasn’t too awkward?? he was super smiley and spoke kinda loud but somehow you found comfort in that

ofc since you were partners for a project, you went to meet up at the library to do research

but like that ended REEEAAAAL quickly bcuz yall are too loud lol

first of all you werent even completely focused bcuz donghyun kept making super bad jokes that were funny as a middle schooler

you’d both be laughing so fuckin loud that the librarian would have to kick you out

well ok looks like you’re going to your house to do continue the research i guess

your parents were like “omg you brought a boy home is this your boyfriend” bcuz yeah boy + girl hanging out = dating according to everyone

you looked really disgusted and donghyun looked awkward

yall basically just met so why would you even think about that!! plus you’re in middle school you don’t care about dating yet

“guys you havent even said hi to him but you already made him uncomfortable he’s just my partner for this project we have to do in class”

even tho he felt awkward, he still kept his happy, polite self and introduced himself to your parents

since it was probably a bad idea to go back to the library, donghyun would frequently come over to finish the project

your parents grew to like him more (and so did u ;) ) and him coming over would be normal now

even after you finished the project, you guys basically became super close and you would hang out alot outside of school

every year, the both of you would be praying that you’d be in the same class

if you werent, you’d be late to your classes bcuz you dont want to separate yet

until the bell rings again then you’re dashing your ass down the hall

now it wasnt until you got into highschool where people were more serious and fuckin drastic

being the major flower boy that he is, he snatched the hearts of so many girls in school

this means a shit ton of chocolates on the day of valentines !!

for him atleast lol

you never complained about not being able to get chocolates because he always shared the chocolates he got with you

but like you also knew that some girl would be brave enough to call him out to confess to him

you may have accidentally walked in on some of them mid-confession

slams door open

“donghyun where the hell are you we need to get the limited edition plush at the arcade and you know damn that’s gonna take fore- oh”

oops awkward for all of you

aaaaanndd since this is highschool some girls are petty as hell and will be like “i’ll do anything it takes to be with oppar11!!!1!1″

so you occasionally get bullied

frequently

woops they spilled juice on your notebook

woops they thought your textbook was trash

oh no where did your bag go- its outside?? and the window is open??

it took a while for donghyun to notice that you were getting bullied by his fangirls

ok in reality he only noticed because you started to distance yourself from him because of it

dh: y/n? where are you? i thought we were gonna go to the cafe

you: oh right sorry i had to go to the library for hw

dh: library??? homework??? ok its super obvious thats a lie where are you

you: wow can i not be responsible without being suspicious im just trying to pass highschool

dh: :/

dh: i know you’ve been lying alot lately y/n whats going on

you: well idk if youre just blind or stupid but your dumb fangirls are getting in my way and its annoying having to deal with them

dh: fangirls? what have they been doing? why do you have to stop hanging out with me?

you: ok youre just dumb...

dh: omg are you getting bullied

you: yes you idiot those fangirls of yours are brutal

dh: y/n..... im sorry.. i didn’t see that

you: yeah i know its been happening for months

dh: well i’ll treat you to food to make you feel better so hurry and get to the park

you: but im at home

dh: you live 3 minutes away from the park

you: im already in bed with snacks and netflix

dh: ok fine i’ll come over then

you: wait get ice cream before you come back

dh: yeah yeah ok

you wait a good 8 minutes and hear your door slamming open, your bed bouncing from donghyun whale flopping onto it

“you got the ice cream?”

he holds up the bag and says “right here”

“ok good lets make a fort now”

“why?”

you stared at him blankly

“perfect reason i’ll get the blankets”

he gets up and runs to the hallway closet, grabbing the extra blankets your family keeps

you get up to find as many extra pillows so that you can use it to support the fort

takes yall a good 25 min to do but its worth it

you snuggle up under the fort and start to eat your slightly melted ice cream

after like 3 movies, your eyes start to get heavy since you’re warm under the blankets and donghyun’s arms

donghyun was pretty immersed in the movie so he didnt see you slowly drift off to sleep

it wasnt until he was going to make some sort of witty comment to you about what was happening in the current scene

your cheek was pressed against his chest and your arms balled up in front of you

he smiles to himself and grabs his phone next to him to snap some pics of your sleeping face

he figured he should just go to sleep too since you arent awake to make dumb comments about the movie anymore

he closes your laptop and gently holds you to place your head on the pillow and shimmies himself to lay down as well

boom now you’re both dead asleep and snuggly

ok fast forward in time

its your senior year and yall r kinda burnt tf out bcuz of college applications and scholarships

but wow its valentines again!!!11!

you were prepared to see donghyun struggling to carry a ton of chocolates but instead you were greeted to him holding a bouquet of roses and a bucket of fried chicken

“did someone give you chicken for valentines? is that their way of not being like everyone else and giving you chocolates”

he lets out a nervous laugh and steps closer to you

“no, but its my way of not being like everyone else”

he holds out the bouquet and chicken in front of you

you stare at him like ??? lol ok

“wow is this finally my own gift of appreciation this year”

“in some sort, yeah”

“awwww thanks best friendddddd” you lightly smacked his arm and took the things from his hands

before you could take the time to look at the roses, donghyun grabbed your wrists and looks at you dead straight in the eyes

your heart sped up but you tried to make a joke to make it look like you werent nervous

“what do you want me to share the chicken?”

“y/n can i kiss you”

“wait what-”

he just goes in and plants his lips on top of yours

not too roughly tho

it was like a soft pillow on your lips and you did not pull away or complain at all

you leaned forward a bit to deepen the kiss since you couldnt really grab him or anything

cuz yaknow

ya got chicken and a bouquet occupying your hands

donghyun got the hint and hesitantly placed his hands on your hips

eventually the both of you couldnt breath so you pulled away and stared at each other

“im sorr-”

“shut up you absolute dork i cant believe you kissed me first before even saying anything” you teased

he shoved his face into your shoulder out of embarrassment and laughed

but it was all a scheme

he used that chance to whisper right into your ear:

“i love you y/n”

now its you shoving your face into his chest from embarrassment

“i hate you so much kim donghyun,...”

me too y/n, me too.....

#kim donghyun #mxm #mxm kim donghyun #produce 101 scenarios #produce 101 imagines #produce 101 #produce 101 fluff #mxm fluff #mxm scenarios #mxm imagines #p101 #p101 scenarios #p101 imagines #kim donghyun scenarios #kim donghyun imagines #kim donghyun fluff #kim donghyun fanfic #produce 101 fanfic

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muffled-screaming-inside-blog · 7 years

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I am Not doing Well

It’s 3 am and I’ve been on tumblr for a few hours bc its made me smile. Havent been on in a while.at first i thought oh i should get on here more but its like its all the same. everything i do is just a bried distraction. I have been depressed for a while. Ive had depression for over half a decade, but the last couple months have gotten bad. every time i start getting to where im getting my footing back something happens. the tuesday before thankgiving was the second time i seriously thought about killing myself. what saved my life is i was too drunk to move. hahaha classic me.What got me to that point is having someone who i thought loved me and cared about me callously hurt me for the final time. I cant even trust when someone says they love me anymore. before the last bloke, that person eventually admitted they never loved me and only was with me bc they were scared and lonely. I’m endlessly self destructive and self sabotaging and idk how much I can take it anymore. I’m gradyually changing parts of my life to try and feel happy again, but its like im always on the aegde of suicidal depression. on almost a daily basis i have that thought of i just want to be dead. I’m scared. I know my brain, and I know if my mental state is in the red too long or too deep ill do it. I lost my dream job as a writer, over giving them too many emails to contact me with by accident. all my plans just about hinged on me getting that job. I thought I had it for a month. I put so much time and effort and mental stress into it and right before I had it, right before i got the introductory emails i fucked it up. I fucked up my car too, ran it too hot and and its costing me 770 to fix the head gasket and i have no transpot. I feel like im slowly poisoning my relationship. I’m way too clingy.he lives over an hour away and our dates were sparse when he first said he loved me and i coudlnt believe it then and now we see more of each other im afraifd hell figure out im a worthless asshole. i spoend every day with me and i fucking hate myself. im supposed to be a writer, thats what i want to do with my life but im not fucking writing. i feel so useless. And my drinkings getting worse. I just want to be numb all the time. I cant even go a day without a drink. and ive started being more reckless with my drug use, doing opiates while drinking. I know it could kill me adn part of me is disappointed it didnt. im always sad, always tired, i feel like a burden and i dont want to talk to my boyfriend about all tis because hes got his own shit going on and i dont want to make his day worse by worrying him and i dont want to freak my best firend out bc i know she doesnt deal with this shit well. i keep telling myself im going to make it through this year if it kills me, i keep listening to that song but idk if i will. i havent done enough or said enough to die yet, but it feels like i wouldnt have anything to say anyway. im a college drop oyt. I couldnt take the pressure of two jobs and college. I had a full scholarship, the best in the state. what the fuck is wrong with me im such an idiot. i chose keeping two min wage jobs i hate over an education. and that opportunity is over i alwreadty fucked that up beyond repair. i did it bc my family is bankrupt and im terrified of being broke. im scared of being limited. its a freedom thing, i have to express my agency or i feel trapped and i cant live like that. but i fucked up and backed myself into a corner. now i actually am trapped without any prospects. i couldve easily gotten my english degree and became a writer from there, or done just college and wrote during, but now im fucked im fucked im fucked im always tired, too tired to try and write or try and find a way to make money writing. i feel hopeless and i all i want to do sometimes is give up. i really do with i could just give up and be dne with all of this. not just the circumstances but my fucking brain. the mood swings the depression the anxiety, how easily tipped off i am. ive been planning to move far away, states maybe even countries but the terrifying truth is that no matter where i go or what ill do ill still be me, ill still have to deal with me, and im a useless, drunken, depressed wreck of a person, i just want to sleep drink smoke whatever to numb myself and escape my waking like. I hate working like i do but im out of options, i fucked myself over. i almost forgot, on top of my mind being broke my body is bad as well, im in costant pain, i have bad knees which no doctor can explain, i have bad joints in general and im weak af. whatever. i just had to get that off my chest. thanks for listening i guess

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