#and im gonna feel even worse if i get the scholarship and then get sniped by another school

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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#the thing about me is i hate making decisions #im literally worrying myself up and down over things i literally cant even make decisions abt now bc i dont know that ill actually be #accepted into the programs. like im just stressing bc for the program in the uk i have to try for scholarships #bc i dont wanna have to pay to go to school over there when i have equally enticing oppertunity here that will pay me for like 5yrs #so i have to get a full ride scholarship and to do that i have to collaborate with the guy and im gonna feel so bad it it flops #and im gonna feel even worse if i get the scholarship and then get sniped by another school #bc right now my heart kinda wants to go to this school in [redacted] bc i could get a 4-5yr phd in ecology and Evolution #the lab is set up with a bunch of other evolutionary genetics ppl. its near a rad national park. and the reasearch is sick as hell. #like it sounds so good. my heart wants to go there. if theyll have me which i wont kno for literally months. but the uk thing is like #if i get the scholarship i cant say no. like i mean i cant. it would look insanely good on a resume. id get to do directed evolution and #photosynthesis stuff with a guy who has controversial photosynthesis ideas lmao. but idk hes just starting out so it feel more like a leap #of faith. and ive done uk courses they r not as soul crushing as american courses and i want them to crush my soul #and its like a wanky good school. so like i cant say no to that. ugh but the [redacted] school also has nasa and astrobiology connections #and then theres the Canadian guy who's reasearch also sounds sick as hell. and again this is all stupid bc i havent even applied to any of #them yet and idk who will even take me but ugh i dread the decision making #ugh i just need to shut up and work on my applications. but i dont wanna think abt the present bc im not happy doing what i do now #id rather think abt the future where im somewhere else #but i guess ive got time to write this weekend bc our sampling plans were busted by the rain rip #so idk we have to go back at some point. sigh.. #i wish everything could just be easy haha #unrelated #also ive possibly been exposed to covid thru my boss who got an alert that she was in close contact with someone who test positive rip