#man idk if it’s the meds or WHAT but…

[miraofhearts2point0]

i find it so funny that if Chishiya can't find a solution he just resorts to violence immediately like yeah. thats.. thats my boy.

#hes so odd #i cant stand him #'aw man cant solve the 10♡...well yk what that means!!' #proceeds to 'kill' niragi via a HOMEMADE FLAMETHROWER. #WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABT HOW CRAZY THAT IS #he needs to be put on meds man idk #or he just needs to smoke some weed it's one or the other #either way bro needs to calm tf down like #alice in borderland #ima wa no kuni no alice #chishiya shuntaro #shuntaro chishiya

[33max]

me when I remember that I suck and people hate my entire existence

#honestly like if you ever think ‘I’m gonna send this person all the reason I don’t like them’ on anonymous #maybe just take 0.2 seconds to consider how long it might affect them for #like in the last 4 weeks I’ve cried like every day #had to go on new meds #and isolated myself from like most people #so like idk maybe just consider if anonymous hate is worth it #but like I guess people that send anon hate want to hurt you deeply #but like idk man it’s just fucked #didn’t mean to write an essay in the tags #just think it’s absolutely fucked up that I now don’t have a safe space on the internet #and I will remember what those messages said for the rest of my life probs so ouch #rsd sucks ass btw

[enden-k]

im so tired of being a sleepy boy

#i napped for 2 hours bc i was so sleepy and still am. why. #i hydrated enough im not having an episode im not sick and no meds are causing it (i think) and the sun is not out so why!!!! #what am i supposed to do aaaaa!!!!!!! sleep for an entire day until i had sm sleep im sick of it?? 😭 #i dozed off in the middle of sketching like cmon!!! #looking it up will tell me i have some rare kind of deadly disease and i dont wanna go to my doc and tell him im a sleepy googoogaga #this man is funnily enough my childhood doctor i went to before my adoption so he knows well enough how sleepy i am #considering my grandparents always tell i was fhe quietest baby ever and never screamed or cried they thought i just passed away or #was sick bc i just slept all day #so yss hes well aware of youn and his chronic sleepy sleepiness since baby times #actually thats over 20 years ago and my doc still looks the same #meaning super hot #which is confusing #this man did check ups on me when i was like 6 and 20 years later he kneads my popped out vertebrae back into place like im an old man #and he just looks exactly the same #this messes wifh my brain i think i need to nap on this #personal #tbd #idk why i rambled so hard while in the process of waking up my condolences if anyone read this far #im not even sleepy anymore bc i thought so hard about my doctor and his secret immortality my brain is actually working #🤔 ah

[milkweedman]

Some of the stuff ive been spinning on the handmade supported spindles. That bigger green skein was done on my largest handmade supported spindle, and i think i could have fit quite a bit more on there, so im really pleased with that. Obviously nowhere near what i can fit on a bobbin on my wheel, but theres trade offs with everything.

#handspun yarn #spinning #supported spinning #such a long night at work #by migraine meds are sort of cancelling out my muscle relaxants which are the main way i can fall asleep #so ive been up 20 hours 😔 and had a migraine the whole time #idk with the higher dose of sumatriptan it definitely dulls it but it also makes me sick as hell #which is better than a full migraine but good god it does suck right now #trying to juggle everything with half a migraine no sleep and puking up most of what i eat is. hard. #i dunno man. its hard. #glad i have fiber arts. i think without it i would be hopelessly lost #chronic illness

[daughterofsarenrae]

Man we hit a good dosage for angus's meds and hes like. Acting like his old self right now. Def with the energy down like 90% but hes exploring my room and playing with toys and his back legs are holding his weight and it's so nice to see again

#unfortunately it wont last forever #but im kinda ignoring the vet rn #she set his dose to 2.5 mls but due to a mix up with the pharmacy im only giving him 1.5 rn #but it seems to be really working #and id rather hold him here so i can go up again when he starts declining again #palliative care man. his meds & vet visits r so expensive rn but. worth it to see his old self coming back a bit #even though i know it's temporary #the slowburning grief of take care of a pet with a terminal diagnosis can be interspersed with bright moments #so im just dwelling in that for now #also rip i gave up half my floorspace in my room for ango bc of the fucking ANTS that invaded his space downstairs. infuriating #tho tbh i like him up here and he does better up here so i might just keep this lmao #anyways. boy cute i love him <3 #baby: angus #the heavy stuff is mostly in the tags but ik some people r sensitive to this topic? #idk what the tags ppl use for it are tho so if u see this and want me to tag stuff about angus's health just lmk what to use #i dont anticipate posting about it very often but u never know

[trainingdummyrabbit]

eveningk. ended up going over to Family Friend's house due to The Horrors, Immediately spent 2 hours infodumping abt angela

#it was pretty nice actually. she also suggested i try edibles when i brought up The Stress Issues(tm) and idk what t make of it but #it WAS funny. she did mean it seriously. half considering it at this point but whos 2 say. #<- girlies who were given meds years ago that instantly gave them heart palpitations #piktalk #she also asked a question i had trouble answering but when i went quiet she redirected to another one i Could which. sits. man. woah. huh.

[toytulini]

god my executive dysfunction is so fucking Bad lately

#toy txt post #so many tasks and dont want to Do anything and like on the one hand Theyre Not That Hard it wont take THAT long i have plenty of time #on the other hand #it will take like 5fucking hrs and if it doesnt i will find a way to make take 5fucking hours and all this and i still havent eaten #enough for breakfast but like??? what am i supposed to waste energy on actually cooking something? #man i love eggs but i think maybe id actually struggle if i had chickens not cos id get tired of eating eggs but cos #all the low effort ways to consume eggs gross me out and the ways i like are not THAT high effort but its too high effort to be #an everyday thing for me :( #okay i have gotta stop thinking about the State Of Things. and figure out a nutrient dense thing to eat for breakfast thats quick and easy #and that i actually like to eat. but also i maybe want coffee so i should not have a clif bar. augh #IT IS 3PM. FUCK. I FUCKING WOKE UP AT LIKE 9!!!!! AND TOOK MY MEDS EARLY AND I STILL END UP NOT DOING FUCKING ANYTHING AT ALL TIL 3PM #i hate this i need to like #fully reset. i need to go to bed at idk. 9pm and wake up at like 5am and get dressed and go out fucking early i hate this!!!!! #i hate !!!! not fucking functioning!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!! #i need a therapist or smth but like one that will find a way to word shit so that it doesnt piss me off and make me want to pettily not do #things that would maybe help #agh #i have been trying to get better about #doing my physical therapy at least

[milo-is-rambling]

I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?

#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like. #what? am I missing something here? #my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day #but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both #gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a #bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of #being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even #with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like #go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m #afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make #this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s #so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room #and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until #my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and #that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad #anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know. #honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down

[ahwuum]

Bro I will never again be as sad as I am right now about how many of the old achievement hunter fics got deleted in the purge after the Ryan stuff. I’m genuinely upset over how much is gone. These fics were good. Like. Novels and series that poured their heart and fucking souls into and I was shaped as a writer by them so wholly that it’s genuinely painful that I cannot access that part of my life anymore.

Does anyone even still think about this? The exact experience of being in a fandom so good, it captured every single fucking setting and genre you could ask for? Where the art was unparalleled and so so creative that it made you want to be an artist, even when you’d spent your whole life thinking you’d never be good enough to even try?

Idk man. I grieve for that fandom. It was such a big part of me that sometimes I feel the chasm it left behind when I had to let it go and I ache. Like all the pain I was going through at that time was only bearable because of that fandom. Because of the community and all the friends I made. And call me parasocial for this all you like but losing those guys was like losing real friends. I watched their stuff my entire teen life and into my twenties. Like what the fuck. How am I ever supposed to recover from that??

I look back now and it’s bittersweet. It’s fucked up. My teen life was shit and I spent all those years thinking I’d never make it to 20 and all that time they were a constant. For a while they were one of the few things keeping me going!!!

This has turned into a vent post but like. Idk am I the only one still thinking about them? Am I the only one still grieving? It’s been three years and the wounds hurt just as much as the day it happened. The scars are gnarled and jagged. I don’t think about them most of the time anymore but sometimes I move wrong and I’m reliving it over again.

#rtah #Ryan mention #just in case any of you still have that blocked #anyways just yeah. that fandom man #I really do grieve over it #idk if it’s rose tinted glasses #or if the hormones of my teen years just made everything seem more vibrant #or the meds I’m on now or WHAT #but I’ve literally never been the same #ever #I’ve had other fandoms but Nothing will ever be like ah #it was lightning in a bottle and I miss it every fucking day #vent post #kinda

[lildoodlecat]

h

#ive been finally trying meds for my adhd and i think current one is working but #if im not super productive every day i feel bad #bc this is supposed to help #but idk what's a reasonable amount of productivity when it's finals and ive been rawdogging life up to this point #are the meds actually helping or am i just experiencing adhd stress response. who knows!!! #are they not working or am i burned out!! who knows!!!!!!!!! #i did just finish being extremely fucking stressed and working all day every day to stay caught up #so maybe i deserved to do fuck all this last weekend #but it feelsbad #idk im doing so much different from usual i cant tell if thats bc of the meds or if it wouldve gone like this anyway #man. #i feel like it's making me change plans unexpectedly more and it's fucking me up #or mahbe im just doing that #idk. ill see how i am after finals #there's too much to do and im way too small i wish i could just nap and read and play games for a bit #but my ps3 is still dead and i cant replace it until june or later probably #i have other games but i wanna play tales #and finish the sotc playthrough i was in the middle of #also i still have finals #;-;

[melonisopod]

Not to sound pretentious but I don’t think regular people deserve to own Starry Night-themed things without understanding at least a basic history of Vincent Van Gogh. At the very least they should be required to know he painted that piece from memory while in a mental ward, on meds, getting help for his bipolar and depression and actually healing. You should not be allowed to own a single stitch of Van Gogh-themed memorabilia until you thoroughly understand that.

#vincent van gogh #idk it's just hard #cause on the one hand it's really nice to know his work is at least appreciated in the modern age #but it's also sad because people don't know the truth #he's the poster boy for ''quirky mentally ill artist'' types #and i don't think the average person understands #they will look at the starry night and maybe all they know is that vincent drew it from memory #i can't stress enough that man was ON MEDS he was RECOVERING that is what RECOVERY and HEALING look like

[thecatboyfriend]

God I wanna cry

#im so tired #i spent all day yesterday dizzy as hell because i didnt take my meds #and i took them last night #but apparently ive hit the 24 hour mark bc im getting dixzy again #and its so uncomfortable #and im getting hot flashes #and what if my meds stop working #what if this is a placebo #this is so exhausting and nauseating wnd its me tally painful #vut it feels so dtupid. i font wanna talk to a dr #they always talk circles around me #i cant do it man #im just ginna. keep taking my buspar until i run out wjt then beg the dr to help #or die. idk #remi rants

[lottieratworld]

man ive been fucking up real bad lately

#i had to leave 1 server bc of falling out with a regular there that i honestly thought was rly nice but always irritated with me #and now my dumb ass vented abt some inconsequential shit like 2 hours after the server owners very long vent making them upset #we're mutuals so if you see this im genuinely sorry #and also my girlfriends dealing with fucking bullshit from her parents with no meds or weed and miserable and i havent been able to #do shit besides send a bit of money. im worried #idk what to do i rly have to sleep my head hurts its like 2:40 in the morning #fuck. man. #why am i dumb as fuck #i really wish i wasnt like this

[swordbards]

anyone else feeling especially shitty this weekend

#man idk what’s going on but i feel INSANE #i mean i know what’s going on it’s combination surgery + pain meds + brain being horrible but good fucking god #atxt

[legofemme]

I moved into my new apt in august and loved it for a bit, i even got to know one of my neighbors and would play with her dogs. Except she mentioned offhand once that she 'got rid' of a cat because she thought he 'wanted' to be outside. It was a cat i had been feeding who would constantly come to me with new wounds. Bad taste in my mouth. Even worse was when i let her into my apt because i needed her to feed my cat for a weekend, and i came back to see that she had gone through my stuff and eaten all the food i left out. I didnt mind that she had eaten yknow i dont want to shame someone for being food insecure, but she had to open things to get to it. And it made me feel unsafe and unclean for a while. Then i drove her around to help her find something she had lost, and the whole time she talked about how people who liked rock were going to hell and then about how women shouldnt preach and on and on. She talked about how she hated hispanic people and how she wanted them 'eradicated' and talked about how she hated disabled people despite being on disability herself. On and on.

I snapped at her finally a few weeks ago when i had to rush the cat she dumped to a shelter before it hit -30F, and saw that he had huge gashes on the side of his face. And ever since then shes been... Like. She screams at her dogs for getting close to me unless theres another person around. Swears at me nonstop. Today she tried to throw something at me and screamed and swore because i let her dog sniff me. Im afraid that if she finds out im gay shell get get worse so i have to hide everything away from my windows. I reported it to the landlord and he said he wont renew her lease, but it isnt up until mid july and like. My upstairs neighbor has woken me up at 6 am every day this week by banging on stuff so loud that i hear it through headphones, i got sick with nightmares because there was black mold growing on my bedroom windowsill. Its all like.

Its frustrating because i cant move. I dont Want to move. I like where im at and i like the space. but its exhausting to be woken up so early, and its exhausting to be afraid of being screamed at while im outside. Idk man i wish things didnt suck so bad for once and that i could just be happy about stuff

#vani vents #gah sorry thats like a whole wall of shit. its just been like. really stressful living lately. #im on yhe right meds. im doing everything im supposed to. but its fucked up by things i cant control #and like. my card declined buying groceries the other day. i was waiting on a payment that ended up being only a quarter of what i thought #i cant get a job because of my school hours but they wont approve food stamps unless im working . #my birthday is coming up but i dont . like. have anything to be excited about. idk man. life sucks rn #long post

[the-rogue-mockingjay]

The fact that ppl are referring to their dumb impulses as intrusive thoughts while I'm sitting here getting hit out of nowhere with the thought that "hey if I took metformin without any food I could maybe kill myself" is.....interesting

#tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicide #for the record i am NOT suicidal!!!!!! the thoughts just pop in my brain randomly at times #my intrusive thoughts are quite mild but even so it's like. hhhh????? #i absolutely DO NOT want to die and im very cautious abt my meds of course #idk it's 1am and this probably makes no sense but. i am taking the phrase 'intrusive thoughts' and putting it on the shelf #until ppl learn what it actually means. man. #i've seen a few too many funny cat videos with captions like 'he let his intrusive thoughts win' recently