#lowkey that account is me being sad all the time because all my irl friends just kinda stopped being my friends?? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

abigail-pent · 2 years

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cut below; just being sad and ruminating on weird friendship shit

so (most of?) my mutuals who are also my IRL friends know this, but instead of vagueposting I will be slightly less vague in the posting and say what all happened. midway through the pandemic, someone in my cohort who I was friendly acquaintances with moved in. it became clear to me pretty quickly that we were not a great roommate fit, mostly because she was extremely bad about cat safety. Goblin loves the outdoors and this roommate was very bad about remembering to close doors and lock them. once I came downstairs and the front door was ajar and Goblin was outside, in the yard, just looking up at me like ‘am I gonna get away with this?’ and I had to chase him down... I was really afraid. but not like the time that she locked him out in the night in the rain and didn’t even notice he was gone. we found him cowering underneath my car. I have never in my life been so afraid. after that I lowkey stopped sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night frantic and afraid that my roommate had gone out to the porch to smoke and let Goblin outside and didn’t notice and that he would be gone forever. I still can’t help but cry when I remember it. and during that time I’m sure I was super annoying checking on the cats all the time, and I’m sure I gave the impression that I didn’t trust my roommate after that, which was pretty much true. that was the fifth time she’d let him out of the house, and he could have died. I think mistrust was reasonable at that point, even though she’d said she took accountability for this. (she says that instead of ‘sorry’. ‘I take accountability.’ while actually doing nothing discernibly different than before.)

and then she and my former roommate started dating, and... the two of them are this like impossible vortex of cool kid energy, which I am absolutely not, and that energy really intimidates me. and even though this former roommate -- who I’d lived with for two years -- was supposedly a good friend of mine, it became really clear that the two of them saw me as an afterthought, an obstacle, an inconvenience. this was the time before vaccines, and the two of them wanted to start a pod. they kind of ambushed me with this conversation and were using a lot of leftist buzzwords like ‘this pod is going to be anarchist and consent-based’ but were also openly trying to steamroll any disagreement I had. mainly I wanted to include a different set of people than they wanted, because the friend group they wanted to start this pod with was not a good dynamics friend group for me. like individually I do (did?) get along with each of the people, some more than others, but as a group I always felt really alone in a crowd when they were all together doing together things. I don’t think that was ever intentional on any of their parts. I don’t think they noticed. I’m good at covering those kinds of feelings and assuming they are my fault.

anyway I didn’t think it was unreasonable to invite a handful more people to the pod, considering we’re all in a grad school cohort together and we are effectively hermetically sealed away from the world anyway. we’re not like those people who have a ton of external connections in the community -- only a couple of us go into any kind of office, nobody in this group has kids or relatives in the area, we don’t really have other activities that we do inside with people -- but without ever really addressing this point, my roommate and ex-roommate just immediately shat on the idea that two particular friends of mine should be invited. because, and I quote, “that guy grinds my gears.” meanwhile there were people on their list who I don’t particularly get along with either, but I’m not going to object to anyone joining. and then it turned out that my roommate was holding a grudge against this friend of mine because he didn’t immediately join our union’s strike -- even though he did actually join us, in the end -- but I guess that wasn’t good enough and now he is forever untrustworthy in her eyes, which is... in my mind impractical and unkind. sometimes people are wrong at first and change their minds later. so what, do you always just shun them for having been wrong once? are you just born so perfect that you were never once wrong in your life? doubtful!

but that was going to be a problem for me because it would have split my friend group right down the middle, and if the deal with this pod was ‘we are only socializing indoors with this set of people all winter long’, then that just did not sit right with me. (like I would not have minded at all only hanging out with my friends outside all winter. but I did not want to be part of a situation where I was going to be expected to socialize with people who -- intentionally or not -- created a feeling of isolation in me. it was the pandemic. I was already isolated. I did not realize how bad it had gotten for me but the fact of the matter was that I was having some ideation and depression issues and it was manageable unless something changed in my social setting that made me realize how bad things had gotten for me. when I was alone I did not notice I was alone. when I was in others’ company I became aware of my headspace in only negative ways.) and, in between them trying to get me to trade some of my friends out for other friends of mine (who were in the middle of having a baby and who I knew would not want to pod at that time) I was trying to put into words why I was feeling such dread about the pod they proposed, and I know I did a bad job. I cried a lot, mainly from frustration. I used examples of the social tension that I felt with that group and I don’t think any of them really made sense to them. I was making myself really vulnerable on purpose, because even though everything about this interaction felt like DANGER DANGER, I was telling myself that these are my friends, I’ve known them for years, they care about me and will try to listen compassionately. they are my friends, they will grant me grace if I express myself badly. I was trying to take their claims to want to abide by anarchist and consent-based principles at face value. my trust was very misplaced.

the next time we had a house meeting about this they had the audacity to suggest that we (not just the three of us, but like a bigger group, decided on by the two of them) **secretly rank and vote on our friends** to decide who would be in the pod. this was instead of fielding an anonymous survey like I’d suggested the previous meeting. I asked why not the survey, and my roommate just said ‘because I talked to people and... it won’t work’ so evasively... and so it was like, ok, someone else’s opinion here matters more than mine, even though we share space. I was so stunned I just said ok and walked away. I should not have said ok because it was not ok with me. I knew that immediately. as it was, I walked around for a few days having it be not ok with me and being shocked at the request, and at the way it was delivered. “we’re not doing this to be mean people, but” -- but what? these are people who pay lip service all day long to leftist principles like ‘impact over intent.’ impact over intent until they’re the ones creating negative impact, apparently. I knew I was never going to vote against anybody (because again, I didn’t want to exclude anyone! I didn’t have anything against any particular person) and that they *would* vote against some of my friends, and by even participating in this vote or allowing it to happen I would be betraying my core principles. so I just said go make the pod, I don’t want to do this vote, I would rather not have a pod than vote, so you just do what you want and let me know what’s happening.

reader, neither of them spoke to me except in a larger group setting for four months. the entire winter. to the point where I found out IN THE GROUP CHAT that the two of them ‘were stepped away from the pod’, a phrase which we had all decided here meant ‘had taken on some elevated level of risk relative to what we’d all agreed with one another’. this was pre-vaccine. and I read this and was mad af because it is logistically impossible to step away from the pod as just the two of them, since I was living with one of them. which means that they had, without speaking to me about it to give me a heads up, broken the code of conduct we’d decided on as a group -- but just with regards to me. just like a really clear message that my safety and comfort and knowledge and CONSENT did not matter as much as the people they apparently actually valued and actually liked. I was valuable to each of them as a friend until we had one disagreement. and after that, they felt very free to disrespect me at a really basic level. they paid me far less respect than they did to certain people in our graduate students union, who created actively dangerous and harmful situations during the strike, that could have ended in arrest or worse. that is how worthless they consider me, apparently.

so of course I texted them about it like ‘what the fuck’, at which point they decided we should have a House Meeting, and at this meeting my roommate told me that ‘the only way [she] could think of to deescalate the situation was for [her] to move out’ and that she had booked a moving truck for Sunday (it was Friday when she said this). which, like... she got EVERYTHING she wanted from this conflict. EVERYTHING. so what situation actually is there to deescalate?

and during the whole move-out, her girlfriend, my ex-roommate, who I’d lived with for two years, was treating me like I was going to pop off and hurt my roommate somehow. which anyone who has ever met me would know that while I’m capable of the occasional cutting remark, I would never physically hurt someone, and I’m not one for conflict in the home so I would never emotionally hurt her either. I do not know what on earth they think I was thinking but they treated me like *I* was the bad guy here somehow, and it bewilders me. they wouldn’t accept my help to lift a single box, even though I was sitting right there in the living room offering to help at every turn. and they have been pointedly ignoring me in group settings, you know in that *really* pointed way where they’re really trying to send you the message that you’re not welcome, even when you were invited. and months later I realize that my ex-roommate of two years has blocked me on every single social media platform -- probably the more recent ex-roommate has done that too, but I don’t care as much about that friendship, it was barely there to begin with -- and it just hurts. it hurts because they never told me why, or what I could possibly have done except suck at expressing myself one time. it hurts because all my life I’ve been in situations where I really have to be careful how I express my emotions, and I was making some real progress in trusting myself and others, and this got right in the way of that again. it hurts because sometimes I have conversations with our mutual friends and I don’t know how much they know, or what these ex-roommates have said about me to them. and I don’t want to come off like someone who’s raking up old shit, but it isn’t even that old, and it’s as much my story to tell as anyone’s, and it may be affecting some of my other relationships in the present but idk how to ask that without opening up a can of worms and making it weird again. it hurts tonight, when at a conference virtual social hour I ended up in a Zoom room with the ex-roommate of two years, who of course treated me very coldly. used my full first name (which none of my friends do) like I was a total stranger. like we didn’t have a history. like I didn’t care for her dying cat. like I didn’t help her get set up with her girlfriend. like when she lost all her friends from her cohort I didn’t say ‘hang out with me and mine, you’ll be ok’.

and even though I am great at finding ways that things could be my fault, I am really struggling to see what I could have done wrong here. which is really a feat, leaving me stumped like that. one for the history books. but it also puts me in mind of the way a particular other friendship of mine ended years ago (some of you will know who I mean). I know that I had to walk away from that friendship for reasons that I still stand by, but I also know this friend was struggling at the time in several different and really big ways. I can’t remember how much I talked to her about the reasons I needed to not be around her anymore. I can’t remember how much context she had. so I can’t help but wonder if, nearly ten years ago now, I left someone feeling this same terrible way that I do now. and I’m really sorry for that, but I don’t know how a person goes about apologizing for a thing like that without the accompanying sentiment of ‘I miss you’/‘can we be friends again’. I am very bad at apologizing properly when time has passed, and I need to get better at that.

#personal #do not reblog #replies are ok i guess but not reblogs please #dispatches from grad school

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dystopian-penguin · 4 years

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Is this a real life story? Is this a fic concept? Who knows 🤷

But here’s a very long account of... something.

This isn't a gay disaster story. It's a gay sad ending story. It's a gay "self-homophobia is very real and realistic” story, and not in the "gay panic is kinda cute" way.

It all started 14 years ago (yes that long), when I was still deeply in the HP fandom and even more deep into reading James/Lilly fics in ff.net all day long. For the first time in my entire life I decided to sort by “all works” and not just “completed”. I know it might sound super silly, and even a bit cliche considering this is tumblr and we live and breath fics, but that single decision literally changed the course of my life. And unlike what I usually do, I am not exaggerating. I found this one fic that must have had, like, 20 chapters and almost 100k words and dived into it without looking for rocks in the bottom. Long story short: the last posted chapter ended on a huuuuuge cliffhanger, like the very next moment after the kiss, and it left me completely destroyed.

So I did what I always do, what I am known on tumblr and my small social circle in here to do: I went to scream at the author.

But I wasn’t content to just scream in the comment section, oh no. For all I knew the bitch wouldn’t even see it, the last update had been from like 8 months previously. So I stalked her ff.net profile and found her MSN email. Yes, the story is THAT old.

My literal first words to her must have been something akin to “OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO MUCH”, which yay for the beautiful poetic irony that the universe crafts at times. She took it in stride because, let’s face it, a shitton of people had already greeted her like that by then. And we started talking, and it was easy and fun. We had a lot in common, more or less the same type of interests, the usual you’d expect if I had met her on tumblr even. We must have talked like 3 hours straight on that first day, and I left feeling pretty good cause I had made a new friend. Not only that, but right off the bat I admired her so much. Not only because she was talented as fuck (imagine writing a 100k unfinished fic at only 15 y/o), but also because the more I talked to her the more I could see just how fucking cultured she was and how intelligent and ect. She came from a wealthy family and such a different reality from me. She had been abroad, in fact she usually travelled abroad with her family like twice a year, she was fluent in english even then (at that point I was I intermediate at best), not to mention german because her family was german. She was 15 (a year older than me back then) and trilingual and could write wonderfully and I was fascinated by her instantly.

Something else worth of note was that her profile pic on the day we met had been set to a close-up of a blue eye. I must have asked on that very same day whose eye was that because damn if it hasn’t been the prettiest blue I’ve ever seen. I mean, I hadn’t told her that, but I was curious enough to ask. And as everyone and their grandmother might have guessed by now, it was hers.

Somehow (and I truly don’t know HOW), we got into the habit of talking every day, or at least very close to it. I got to know about her daily life, just one state south from where I live and sooooo much colder than what I had ever experienced. She went to a swiss school, fully bilingual, was the first in her year in the IB program which for the love of crap I didn’t even know it existed back then. Might not ever have known if I never met her. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers, and back then SMS messages were like 1,50 bucks for inter-state ones. Our mothers were not happy.

Around a year and a half went by this way. She became my best friend, my rock. We both had a shitton of problems in your high school lives and in our family lives, and we were so relieved to know there was someone out there we could share those with. In the meantime she ended up breaking up with her boyfriend, ironically just a few months before I had my very first kiss. When she broke up with her boyfriend she was absolutely devastated (they had been together almost a year or so), and relied on me a lot back then. Which I was more than happy to support because for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like I was actually part of someone’s life. I didn’t feel like I ever bothered her, like I was ever intruding in her life. I felt like I was truly part of her world, like she actually remembered my existence when I was not around, and at now-16 years of age that had literally been the first time I had felt that. I never had a true friend before her. Not sure I ever did after her either.

On easter 2008 we finally convinced our moms to let us meet. Her family had a whole goddamn country house with a huge plot of land, so it was decided I was gonna visit her first. So I got semi-sedated and got into my first plane ride EVER, and for those of you that are reading this and know me (although I doubt anyone is reading at all), you know how terrified of planes I am. You know how BIG of a gesture it is for me to get into a fucking plane for the first time in my life for a person.

I already knew she was pretty. I mean, we had talked on the webcam a couple of times before (just a few times because the internet back then was really terrible). The blue eyes I mentioned, and the most fucking beautiful silky blonde hair you’ve ever seen. But when I saw her the first time on that airport it still took my breath away. Even more, what truly surprised me, was the huge smile she gave as soon as she saw me out of the gate and she rushed to hug me. I was paralyzed. I mean yes I was happy and hugged her back, which was a huge deal because back then I was not touchy feely at all (and she was VERY). But I was paralyzed. Because I had never in my entire 16 years of age seen anyone smile that big or that brightly at seeing me. Hell, I suppose I had never seen anyone smile that brightly at all. As the day progressed she was so legit happy that I was there, and I could never fully wrap my head around it. We drove to her house and her mom took the long way just so they could show me all the interesting spots in her city, and she shared tidbits of her daily life that I still didn’t know, despite us being so close, because those are the things you only learn by actually being next to the person irl. Later on she introduced me to her two best friends in school, and we all decided to watch a horror movie.

Yes, it’s THAT cliche.

Now, you see, I’m absolutely fucking impervious to horror movies. Yes I get jumpscared just as much as anyone else, but I don’t get scared. So I was sitting there a bit lowkey bored, narrating the entire plot of the movie and what would happen a few scenes before it did because the movie was just that easy to guess. And she had taken complete ownership of my left arm the entire time, being half super scared and half impressed I could guess every single thing on the plot. Later on she apologized for not letting go of my arm because she knew I wasn’t as touchy feely as she was, and I was once again taken aback because I come from a ridiculously touchy-feely country and NO ONE ever apologizes for it or respects my boundaries on it.

The next day we wake up bright and early to go to her ranch-thingy. She slept on top of me on the car almost all the way there. I must have woken up like a whole hour before her but didn’t move at all.

I’m a city slick. I’m a huge city slick, through and through. Which means I am both fascinated and absolutely terrified on any plot of grass bigger than a garden. And her country house was fucking amazing. I had only experienced the true freedom of being in nature a few times in my life, and she made sure to show me every nook and crane of the forest surrounding it. Because yes it was a forest and not a jungle like where I lived, and that made it all the more magical.

But the truly one magical thing in the entire 4-days weekend was the stars. You see, I am absolutely in love with the stars. It’s stupid to say something like this when I was retelling the greatest love story of my life, but the stars are my one true love. I got my first telescope when I was five years old. My mother cannot for the life of her explain where I got this obsession from. She always said I was already born that way. So I find myself for the first time in my life with the least amount of light pollution I’ve ever been subject to in my entire life (even nowadays). For the first time in my life I has actually been able to see the Milky Way with my own two eyes. And what made everything even more impressive was that it was a full moon, and the night sky still looked as incredible as it’s supposed to look. Honestly it might have been a great contender to the beauty of her blue eyes.

The moment I remember the most is us laying down on some beach towels (no idea why they had those in the countryside), stargazing for hours at end. By then we were two full states to the south of mine, so I believe the technical definition of what I was feeling is fucking freezing my inexistent balls off. I had gotten dressed in just some jeans and a tshirt way before the sun set, and I was dammed if I was gonna interrupt our stargazing to go put on some decent clothes. I remember her asking a few times if I was cold, and I also remember myself lying through my teeth saying I had gotten used to it by then. Blatant lies, my nipples could cut through fucking glass at the moment. But I wasn’t gonna interrupt it because it was just the two of us on a grassy clearing, her family was at least 200m away and we couldn't even hear them anymore and it was just us and the stars and her hands were so close to mine that I could feel the heat (the only source of it for my beach-town ass I suppose). It was the perfect fucking moment. The moment most people dream of having their entire lives. I have no idea how long we stayed there, but it was a few hours for sure. Her mom had to call us back inside, and nothing broke my heart more. We talked about anything and everything. I told her what I knew of astronomy and I could see for the first time I was fascinating her with knowledge. Because I had always felt and will always feel like a peasant in the presence of a princess when it comes to her. With how cultured and educated and just fucking smart she always had been. But as I told her of the constellations (sometimes grabbing her hand to point to the stars and make her spot them better), and proclaimed my love for the night sky, she listened. She listened and I had never felt heard before in my life. She listened and I felt I had managed to make her fall in love with the stars a little bit by just talking about them.

She listened and I felt I had managed to make myself fall in love in her a little bit by just seeing the way she looked at me as I talked.

All good things come to an end and time had come for me to go back home. I will never forget how she hugged me goodbye on that same airport. Where I had seen the brightest smile on my life and now I could see she was holding back tears for me. Because I was leaving. I was important enough in someone’s life that they were about to cry because I wasn’t going to be around anymore. She way she whispered “I’m gonna miss you so much” on my ear, on such a low note I am sure it was just so her mother wouldn’t hear her, and her voice will haunt me for the rest of my life. She told me a few days later that she did cry on her way to school that morning.

After this it was near impossible to not be with her at all times. We texted constantly, and used to talk like 2 whole hours on the phone before bed. Once again I must remind you this was 2008 so it was no cheap business. Her mother started to try to separate us a bit, insisting she didn’t contact me as much, even tho I was sure the one who could not afford those phone bills, not her. It all culminated on what was ironically (or perhaps planned by her mother?) brazilian Valentine’s day (we are the only country in the world that celebrates in on St. Anthony’s day, which is June 12th). It was the first day in almost two years we didn’t talk at all, because of how much her mother had nagged her about it. The next day we talked as if we had been separated by a war for a decade.

I’m gonna take a break here to let everyone know that no, I did not think I was in love with her back then. I don’t think she knew either, but it’s hard to tell.

Her mother planned her entire july winter break to the minute just so she could spend the least amount of time in my house as possible. We got 5 days instead of the previous 4. But her mother came up with a ridiculous amount of trips for the family. She visit 3 different countries (and a whole different state inside her own country) within 30 fucking days. That’s how bad it had gotten then. Our SMSs had to be cut down to just two or three a day because of it.

But it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because when she arrived at my house (her family had insisted in meeting mine before letting her stay) I was able to see from three floors up how brightly she had smiled at seeing me again.

I’ll make this part short: we stayed cooped inside blankets the entire time, playing on my PS2. It was so ridiculous that my mom, maaaany years later, told me she usually left the house for hours at time just to give us an opportunity of finally doing something about our very obvious feelings. Unlike the trip we took to her ranch, this one was filled with 3am deep existencial talks. And unlike the other trip, we spent the whole time sleeping on the same bed. Not a whole lot happened other than us dancing around the obvious feelings and how to deal with being so close to each other.

Nothing beside the very last morning together. I remember always waking up after her, because that’s just how we were. I remember she was already up, reading this book in fucking german of all things. It had been the first day of the entire week we had a meager ray of sunshine. And the way my window and ourselves were positioned, the sun was shinning directly on her. I woke up to the vision of an angel. I had never seen hair in such a warm bright color. I had never seen eyes that were the living embodiment of a spring afternoon sky. I woke up and her propped up on a couple of pillows, reading under the weak morning sun was the first thing I saw. It was the first thing I saw and I could swear I was still dreaming.

Because for the first time in all this, I could not contain and muffle the voice inside my head that was screaming: I want to wake up next to this every single day for the rest of my life.

It was the last time I woke up next to her for the rest of my life.

To my credit I did shake off my daze from the sight quite fast. I had gotten so good to drowning out these feelings that I was great at putting my poker face back up. We talked, we had breakfast, we let ourselves feel a bit sad about her leaving.

Then, just about half an hour before we actually had to go shower to take her to the station, it happened. The one moment that made me feel confident this all wasn’t just in my head. It all wasn’t just wishful thinking of a lonely pathetic girl who got way too bullied in high school.

We were having an impromptu pillow fight cause why not. That’s how girls who are secretly in love handle their feelings after all. It’s universal I think. And, well, on the overall 9 days we spent together irl I never actually beat her once because I’m just that much of a noddle. But this one fight we were both in bed, with weak footing and etc. You can see where this is going.

So on a scene to rival any anime, or that one gif of girls playing handball that fall on top of each other, she fell on top of me. Well, did she fall? I don’t know. For all I know, she planned.

And we had the moment. The gaze. Those few indescribable seconds of your life that you’re always gonna remember like yesterday, no matter how old you get. She had each of my hands pinned to the side of my head, and at first I thought we were still fighting so I just struggled and laughed and was saying stuff like “get off me ya psycho!”. But then I looked up. I looked up and.

And then I felt it. I felt everything her eyes were telling me. She wasn’t playing with me anymore. She was staring at me as if she already knew it was going to be the last time. She was staring at me as if it was a love story because it was. She was staring at me as if her entire existence, as if the whole oxygen on the earth itself depending on my presence.

She was staring at me like I has never been looked at before, or since. Even with a 3-years long relationship I had muuuch later on. No one had never, or will ever, look at me the way she looked at me.

And I froze. I froze because I had no idea what else to do. I froze because inside my head back then this was still wrong. Girls should not kiss. Girls should never kiss.

It was wrong.

It was so wrong, but nothing, not a single piece of bigot ramble ever uttered in history would make me feel more scared than losing my best friend. Nothing in the world scared me more than losing her.

Could I cross this boundary? Did she want to? Or was it just a spur on the moment thing?

But then she stared at my lips and I could not help but lick my own. Out of instinct, out of craving, out of love.

To the risk of getting an angry mob to my house right now, no, we did not kiss.

In fact, I dont quite remember the next few seconds at all. It had been single the most intense moment in my life at this point. It is still one of the most intense moments I’ve ever experienced. I completely blanked out of how I actually got pulled out of it and back into the land of living. Next thing I know we are sitting on opposite sides of the bed, trying to move away from the awkwardness. We did manage, in a couple of minutes. and things went back to normal between us.

But things would never be back to normal within me.

I’m gonna take a pause here to point out I’m bisexual. So like every bisexual, I am a very confused person. Cause you see, the moment you figure out you're bisexual it’s so much more confusing than figuring out you're fully homosexual. Because in the moment, things don’t just click. Things dont just start to magically make sense. I was 16 and I had absolutely liked guys before. Was it with this intensity? No because I was fucking 16. She was the first person I was been truly in love with. But I know it in my soul that if she was a dude I would love her with the exact same intensity. This particular discourse took me another three years to solve, but I digress.

And then she left.

She left and, like I said, her mother had programed her entire july milimetrically so we could be as far apart as possible. She left my house straight back to her ranch, not even her own house, And they have no internet there, so no MSN. Just a single 30-minutes phone call a day, for the 4 days after we had spent the entire week cooped up in bed inside blankets and playing lame-ass RPGs. And then right after that she left for germany for two full weeks. But before that particular trip, she did manage to get home. She got home to a letter of her grandma that read...

Well to be honest I cannot tell you what it read exactly. Because she was extremely vague about it when telling me. But it was enough to destroy her. It was enough to make her think that her grandma would not want anything to do with her anymore and it was based off somewhat new events. It doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out the full contents of the letter. Her family is from the brazilian Bible Belt. But back then, at 16, confused as fuck, and already preemptively heartbroken, I legit had no idea what it said. She was vague and I didn’t want to pry. I just wanted to make her stop crying. I just wanted to put that beautiful smile back in her face but on that day I could feel her slipping away for the first time.

The rest of the story takes place in just a bit under two months. Maybe 6 weeks at most.

She goes to germany and finds a boyfriend, as one does. She leeches on this boy like a lifeline, but never stops texting me our 3 international texts we were allowed daily. In fact, the first thing she did after kissing him was pulling off her phone as texting me.

You can imagine how well this guy takes it.

Now, she goes back to brasil and this guy actually lives somewhat close to her. It’s a doable relationship. Once they both have access to internet and MSN again, and she is fast to introduce us, so happy that both of the most important people in her life are meeting. Even tho they had been together for like 3 weeks at this point.

I’m ok with it because, well, I still hadn’t figured myself out. I know no one will believe this, but I honestly did not feel jealousy. In fact, it was almost relief. Relief that I would not need to look into my feelings any further than I had back in july. I was happy for her. She seemed genuinely happy with this guy, and so was I.

And then Independence Day weekend comes and hell starts to... well, not break loose, but certainly get weaker on the seams. In here Independence Day is on September 7th, but both on my city and hers there's a city holiday on the 8th. On that year it ended up getting us a 4-day weekend again, and obviously I thought I was the one who was gonna be invited to visit her. I has been counting on it, planning for it.

Two weeks or so before that she informs me that she wants to invite her boyfriend over instead of it, which is like. Ok. Fair. But for the first time in this entire story I felt jealousy. Because that ranch, those stars, that sky... it was our place. I did not wanna share those experiences I had with her with anyone else. But I kept quiet of course, because how could I not? I tell her “yeah it’s a bit upsetting because I was hopping we could see each other, but I am genuinely happy you get to spend time with him!”

She ghosts me in that week.

To this day, 12 years and 2 months later, I do not know why. I do not know how. I know her grandma called again when she learned the boyfriend was gonna come over and not me, but that’s all.

She ghosted me before ghosting was even a thing. So I had no other social parameter to deal with the situation. I will never forget the absolutely heart wrenching pain I felt when I figured out she had blocked me on MSN. It’s indescribable.

It’s indescribable because she was the first person I felt like actually gave a flying fuck if I lived of died, if I was happy or if I cried. And she had up and decided to fucking cut me out her life without a single fucking word of explanation. One night everything was fine, we even had a group chat with her boyfriend. The next day she is gone forever. I don’t know, nor I think I will ever learn what triggered it. What was the last fucking draw, the last fucking prejudiced word directed at her that made her do it.

My world had been full of color, full of life, and even if literally everyone around me in real life would be so much happier if I didn’t exist (back then I DID NOT get along with my mother), she had seemed this entire time to be so much happier with me around. She was the one person who liked my existence. And literally overnight, I wake up and my world is empty. My world is empty and my air is missing and I don’t fucking know why.

It’s been 12 years and I still don’t know why.

Her boyfriend harassed me a bit back on orkut. Like, I have no idea why. It was unprompted. But it does give you a big fucking clue does it now?

I haven’t gotten a single word from her ever again. I know she’s alive, that’s not the fucking point of the story. I know because I tried to contact her again through every fucking means possible. I even sent her a letter of all things for fuck’s sake. When facebook came along I found her there too and sent her a message. Once 3 years after the fact, and then again 6 years after the fact. That was the last time I tried contacting her.

I cannot say I was “faithful”, so to speak. I cannot say she has been the only thing in my mind. I cannot say that I have not loved again, because I have. I had a serious 3-year relationship, as I mentioned. I had actual gay disasters stories in between. She has not remained the foremost thing in my mind. She has not remained my one true love. There were times where I spent months without thinking about her. Even silly crushes are enough to stray my thoughts away, to stray my heart away

But what worth are those times if I always go back to thinking of her as soon as I see myself without someone? What worth are those times where she is not in my mind, if she had never left my heart to begin with?

What worth is forgetting about her at times when she is my default setting?

I know what you're thinking. “you’re not in love with her, you’re in love with the idea of what could have been”. And you’re absolutely right. I know you are. I’m fully aware of it, of the implications of it, not only on my love life but my mental health.

But she has been the single most influential person in my life. She was the one that got me to writing. She was the one who made face my mother and have The Talk we needed for fucking 16 years about who my father was. Fuck, she is the sole responsible for setting my life on that path, and all the domino effect of events that happened because of the decision of talking to my mother about it. She was the one that made me figure out I was bisexual. Not a lesbian, definitively not straight, but not gay either. Bisexual, out and proud.

She was my first love.

She was my first love and she is the one that makes me give some credit to the saying “at the end of your life you will see you’ve fallen in love with the same person over and over again”.

She was my first love and she makes me go fucking crazy enough to give the whole “soulmates” concept a decent thought, because this cannot have been natural. Loneliness cannot explain the entire thing. It cannot explain how ridiculously drawn I was to her right away. Attraction doesn’t explain it either. It cannot explain how insanely synced up I’ve always felt to her. How insanely connected.

I’m not gonna lie, I loved my ex. Truly and deeply. They were the only person to ever treat me respect, and I felt almost as connected to them as I did to her. Almost.

If we are getting technical, I felt, like, 95% synced up with them. Which is more than the vast majority of humankind can only dream of feeling.

But it was not 100%.

There has only been one person in my life that I have felt 100% connected with. One person in my life I have not been able to shake away, have not been able to get over. Oh I have moved on. I have moved on and moved back in and then moved on again. Many times, over and over.

But I have not gotten over you. I will never get over you. What happened. How it ended. You were my biggest heartbreak. You were my biggest love story, and I didn’t even get to live it.

You make me so illogical that I sincerely hope there is a next life out there. One we can meet, sit down, and talk.

I’m sure you are a completely different person right now. I am a completely different person too. And it is insane, it is illogical, and it is immature to think that these two completely different people would still have any vestige of a thing in common like we did as kids. Because we were kids. We were kids and now we are both adults, and have a single damn thing changed?

A whole fuckton of them changed. Seasons changed. Years changed. The entire fucking world changed. I have changed more than you can possible imagine a person would in 12 years.

But you being the default setting of my heart has not changed. No matter how “unfaithful” I’ve been to you. No matter how much I will keep on living not being attached to you. No matter how much I know at some point I will forget you, forget this feeling, and bask into the pleasure of a new love. No matter how much at some point I will surely think “wow, what a crazy bitch I was back then, with all these feelings for a random girl who certainly doesn’t even remember I exist”.

And that’s one of my biggest fears you see. Cause for me you are half the fucking book. For me you’re the constant element that comes back when sea is calm and things are ok.

And I fear that to you I was nothing more than a line, maybe a throwaway paragraph in your life.

#my stuff #my writting #gay disaster

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22introuble · 3 years

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The Last Time ft Gary Lightbody

Now listen up J and C and maybe J and anyone else who might be involved, cares, or is just nosy. This is going to be the last time I write on the topic and acknowledge y’all because at this point it is very clear to me that I am on y’all’s mind which is only fueling my ego and I’m tryna get that shit under control. J you better than anyone knows how much I love attention from anyone whether it be good or bad. So just by being on your mind is a win for me. I’m insane okay, I’m not stable so y’all telling me shit and coming for me is literally doing nothing to me because of my god complex. However, it’s going to be 2 months since you cheated on me with her and you know I like to write and it’s how I cope so can y’all just pls let me cope how I want to. Not that I need to justify myself but I specifically write on here because no one irl follows me on here. To get over things I need to be dramatic first and then I’ll be good. Which I was doing until your fucking friend had to dm me like wtf 😭. I fr got second-hand embarrassment from that weirdo and then she wouldn’t stop like YALL ARE GIVING ME THE ATTENTION I WANT. Although it was funny af it lowkey was sad that ya'll said ya'll were laughing at me?? That's so mean to laugh at another girl's heartbreak but whatever. What was the point of dming me like what y’all want me to do?? kms? Sksksk I'm thriving and then y’all had to remind me of everything again to the point where I have to write again just so y’all get the memo. J pls stop stalking me on your fake account like what is the point? I got screenshots too that you look at my story then block me so your name goes away. For the rest of y’all if ur so bothered with what I do then just block me? I know it’s hard but for the greater good just stop. I’m fr tryna get my ego under control but y’all giving me the attention I want but it’s just not it anymore lol. I’m tryna better myself and I don’t want y’all’s input. Y’all’s relationship is clearly toxic and it’s like you’re doing with her what you did with me but it makes no sense now bc you’re with her. Ok, that's all I wanted to say and now ima go and finish making my pain au chocolat.

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dazzling-ji · 6 years

Text

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

probably halo? still riding off the performance high tbh

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

can’t think of anything that i would want to know immediately that i couldn’t just wait for confirmation in prayer about...

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

so far? taking the steps necessary to actually pursue my dreams

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

kbbq with friends

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

probably tell my parents how i feel about them, same to my friends

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not really. i have things i’d like to do, tho

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

as in a human being? um, she has obscenely small hands. her face is like shiny and red perpetually. she is tiny. she gets really excited over the smallest things, i.e. her cats or the sight of a corgi. lowkey highkey hates her hair unless it’s short. bane of my existence.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

bruh i wish. literally still trying to console younger me with each day.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

lowkey cried in front of my therapist as i told him i don’t cry in front of people. idk if he noticed or not (IT’S CUZ HE KEPT STARING AT ME WITH THOSE BIG SAD EMPATHETIC BLUE EYES. I DON’T NEED EMPATHY!!!) but the tears were threatening and i was threatening the tears.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

bruh, had to describe a human for the last one but this time i won’t. my best friend nam shin iii. because i love him and he’s great. wish he were real so i could teach him english and he could teach me korean and i could help him romance his girlfriend.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

i did when i was first meeting my therapist lol. i don’t trust people enough to do stuff like that.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

probably ye olde tiny handed one. she’s the only one who would try to stay up that late with me. doesn’t mean i don’t have to deal with her sleep delirium.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

it’d either be to myself or my mom. something along the lines of letting them know their worth.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

they aight. blue eyes are really scary 90% of the time. brown eyes make more sense to me.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“different doesn’t mean wrong” said by one of my late faves, who i honestly felt was a kindred spirit 99.999% best friend match to me. not gonna get into why the quote is so deep to me, all i’ll say is it allowed me to breathe.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

indigko

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

pay off debts, travel, save, give to charities/church, save some more, maybe make a trust fund?

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

with God, yeah. by myself? depends. i can be kind of hypocritical and times.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

guess i know what to tag this ask meme now

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk for sure.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

super cool. was thinking of getting either a septum or normal nose ring. wish tattoos made a bit more sense on dark skin, but either way they’re super painful so maybe i lucked out.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i don’t. don’t wanna ruin my skin and i like the natural look over a beat face. i like people looking realistic if that makes sense?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

so many people to talk about, but my ex-fave prince helped me realize i was ace.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

i wouldn’t. at least not rn, don’t have anything revolutionary to tell em. maybe something like “Please remember we’re dealing with human beings” or along those lines, because I’m tired of reading about racists and human rights violations who real life be forgetting that aside from differences in race/gender/sexuality/etc/etc we are all human and worthy of love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

stromae @ msg - super fun! wish the people behind me didn’t try to waste my time and sit at a dance music concert.

nai palm @ brooklyn (i forget the venue) - also super great. it was great to actually see her irl, and allowed me to realize i can actually socialize without too much problem.

garth brooks @ mercedes benz - yikes ppl in the south RLY like their country music huh?

kimbra @ brooklyn (also forget the venue) - LIVE MUSIC CAN BE SO EXPERIMENTAL AND FUN. kind of reminded me of what i’d heard seeing prince irl was like.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

NYU - You have no outstanding balances. We have a $1 mil scholarship that will be applied to your account as of today. We love you. In fact, we’re gonna wipe away all your student loan debt and ensure no one in your family has to worry about paying for anything ever again in their lives.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

my desk always gets cluttered with papers and stuff. but i really do prefer working at a desk rather than a bed.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

stall as long as possible until i REALLY need to go to sleep. grumble as i lazily brush my teeth and rinse my retainer. lie in bed and watch youtube for anywhere between 30 min to 3 hrs before actually turning off.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

call me crazy, but i want my parents to know about me and *gasp* like what they realize. like lemme tell em i’m ace and have them not freak out, idk.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

blue or purple. but probably a wig or something impermanent.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

THE FAB FIVE. WHY AM I SO DUMB. we’d go makeover their next person on queer eye OR even better we’d just hang out

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. the aforementioned letter from nyu because i deserve it, ok?

2. a life i don’t feel like i have to run away from because i hate living like this but feel powerless to change it.

3. a cool best friend i could go cool places with, because i wanna go cool places

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i cosplay’d as Taemin during the Ace era. It was cool because it basically was my style, so I felt super confident all day looking my best.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I do neither. But the craziest thing I did half-asleep was convince myself I could still talk to the aforementioned tiny handed weirdo and answer her questions though my head was firmly planted on my pillow and i was neatly tucked under my sheets. like i really thought homegirl could read my thoughts and find the answers she needed to her questions.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

like donald trump

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

maybe one person - i’d see myself the way God sees me so I wouldn’t be so powerless against my insecurities and the fake people in the world all the time.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

idk? i’m ace and aro and very aesthetically drawn, so i really don’t know if i ever have.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i prefer myself with longer hair tbh.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

hot chocolate if i wanna blend in. otherwise a strawberry acai refresher. i trust any of my friends because it’s really not that deep.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

gaining self-confidence so i can step more firmly into my calling.

fin.

#blurb ideas #ask meme

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riskeith · 3 years

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you just responded and i nyoomed to answer. yes my days consist of waiting for you. yes i’m not ashamed to admit it. <3

that makes so much sense actually? like A Lot of sense. i don’t think you should feel bad about that at all i mean if you are comfortable with how you perceive them then by all means! haha! what’s fun about fanfics is that people can take one character and shape them in so many different ways. canon doesn’t anyways give us depth to characters yet writers do which 🙏🏽 godsent. but then again, it can feel weird if someone makes them behave like ~someone~ else haha. i remember it used to be a hot topic in voltron actually, where people would portray lance as a weak and emotional guy only even if he’s arguably the bravest and most bamf... people didn’t like that very much. do you know what i’m talking about?

I’M SO EXCITED TO READ ALL OF THESE. thank you so much you just set my late night weekend plans 😏. and oh god esselle is the ao3 writer. i love their bnha fics so much. can’t wait to read their haikyuu stuff as well. kagehina too... 🥺 dude, i saw some oikage things last night and i have my eyes open.. 👁 i know you like them a lot so hm... i’ll definitely read that as well i love the summary already.

he’s puppy-like so would he like to play in the water? i want to say so, just bc i think it would be cute for him to splash around 🥺

just one?? wow now i get what you meant in your earlier messages, shskdhsk. all my current friends i’ve known since we were children, i don’t even know how to make new friends irl tbh.... AND SAME!!!! CHILDHOOD FRIENDS TO LOVERS GO BRR. and god the best thing is how things change but at the same time they don’t? like they start to notice little things and realize they’ve always liked them? or the ‘i thought best friends felt like this towards each other’.... aaaaaaaah. 🥺 but then again enemies to lovers.. the tension and the yearning? the moment everything just snaps? god i couldn’t pick my favorite i don’t think. i just love those two so much equally hahah.

if it’s cyberpunk vibes i will combust. i love those aesthetics so much.. (waiting for ps5 to restock so i can run around in night city in cyberpunk 2077 forever.) but yeah it makes sense for it to be themed like that but it’s so funny to think about transporting from the whispering woods to like... large billboards and grungy streets. AR 35?? oh that’s must earlier than i expected. so i take it the main story isn’t done yet?

how sexy, even though this blog is just our messenger app at this point snskdhkddhj.. once again, i’m sorry riskeith stans.. 🙏🏽

i wish i could get you all the cotton candy in the world. and wow kenma HAIR!! sounds so cute but wait oh my god,,, do you have short hair,....... 😳💗💓💕👁💘💝💓😭💗👀💖💓💘💝💞 do you? 😳💢 how was it shaving everything? must’ve been such a big decision!! 😳

ikr? like most of the fics i’ve read portrays them as a angst ship which i do love a lot but you’re right it’s funny bc in canon they’re just.. supportive idiots. i think it’s the oikawa fangirls thing and iwa being annoyed by it that people get hooked on. at least i think since it’s almost always there in the fics... :+ DO YOU LIKE IT? i’m so obsessed with it i saw a edit on ig with klance and that song earlier and it fits them so well too... 🥺 anyway back to iwaoi, i think i like writing from iwa’s pov actually? i haven’t tried writing much from oikawa’s yet but idk.,, iwa’s personality just speaks to me. also i like that oikawa’s personality is so complex to understand, it’s easier to spice up the angst that way. (I DON’T 🥺 it’s such a sad topic for me bc it’s my ultimate dream to drive but it costs soo much money to get it here and i’ve been too busy to invest... 😭 wbu?????) I KNOW MEMO AND OH MY GODNESS? i’m sure the fic is sooo good oh god.... the vibes. 😭 please tell me what it’s about. please. 🙇🏽‍♀️

OH it means that i’m just gonna reread your fics until you post something new... here i thought i was being clever and cute shshskdhdks

STOP YOU KEEP MAKING ME SO EXCITED aaaa ma’am please... think about my heart. 🥺

here’s a new topic to discuss; are you a coffee or tea person? (or neither.. please don’t say so)

kiss, m.a. 💘

i keep forgetting to check whether you’ve responded or not before shutting down my laptop and i’m left to answer on my phone 😭😭 and i too spend my days awaiting your responses <333 but i always forget to check after a period of time HFJSKFKSKCKNC i swear i’m checking like once every 5 min but the moment i forget you respond NCKSNDN

bro (do you mind being called stuff like that lol) writers give us everything canon is too cowardly to give.… truly blessed 🙏🙏 yeah i do!! there are a lot of complaints about mischaracterisation in hq fandom too actually… which i think is fair enough but at the end of the day just let these people have their fun you know.. it’s not harming anyone and if you don’t like it just don’t read! lol

i haven’t read much of esselle’s bnha actually (aside from tdbk) but i just know they’re absolutely amazing!!!!!! absolute legend i hope (i know you will tho hehe) you enjoy her kagehina toooo. and yes oikage!!!!!! omg pls 😭😭😭 i wish they were more popular aaaa

🥺🥺🥺 razor in one of those baby pools.. RAZOR WITH POOL FLOATIES!!! my goodness 😭😭😭😭

fjksnxksndm yeah but i think i might be an outlier in that… LOL oops. and you’re so right like they just grew up together and like grew in love it’s so natural and just comes to them like they were always supposed to be together and they are <333 bc soulmates <33333 BUT YEAHHH THE MOMENT EVERYTHING SNAPS YOU KNOW IT!!!!! god when person A SAVES person B even tho they’ve “hated” them the entire time...… but when they were faced with a tough circumstance they realised they couldn’t bear the thought of being without them 😩😩👌👌👌👌👌👌

omg ps5.… ngl i considered buying a ps console so i could play the last of us 2 chxjjskskxjxjs. have you seen all the cyberpunk memes tho? lolol. nah main story isn’t done!! i think the main story is supposed to develop all 7 worlds until we find our sibling so like.… it ain’t gonna be over for a LONGGGG time (lol omg could you imagine if mih*y* pulled a me and like 4 worlds in was just ‘ok soz i’m uninterested now you can imagine how the game would’ve gone’ HFJSJFKSKFKDJ)

HAHAHAHHA it legitimately is. riskeith who??? more like marriage anon stan account. fjdkfnnd anyways to my other followers hope y’all are enjoying the show 🤪

i do have short hair rn!!! lowkey a bowl cut but i’m also trynna grow out a mullet djksndksnd. and having a shaved head was so nice.. i literally just couldn’t stop touching it after cjskckksnfks. and it wasn’t that big of a decision to me tbh i’m not that fussed about my hair like i know some other people are djskkd the biggest obstacle was getting my parents to agree 💀💀💀 (much like i am trying now..…) i used to have my hair long for ballet, but once i quit i just kept getting it cut shorter and shorter and then voila! shave. GJDJKSKDND

true.. jealous iwa.. i have that in one of my wips i believe FJSJJCKSKDK (it might even be in the memo fic?) AND UHHHH i didn’t love the song ;–; it’s just… slow HFKALDLAKDK and not the mood i was in when i heard it cjdkslxllskcjskcnkscnkzmxmcm omg no not klance 😭😭 they have a lot of angst too.. (i say, as if there isn’t a single klance fic of mine that doesn’t have angst JFJDJSKDJ) OMG YOU LIKE WRITING IWA POV TOO???? you 🤝 me iwa kin. i joke that it’s because i, much like him, am very much in love with oikawa. (aw no i’m so sorry for bringing it up 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 but i’m on my learner’s rn!) IVE POSTED THE OUTLINE ONCE (not a good sign… LMAO) https://kaheyama.tumblr.com/post/190015338287/yall-want-some-iwaoi-angst THERE!! also wait i just realised it has manga spoilers.… maybe don’t look fjdknfjd (you could stop after “pining iwaizumi hajime” but i don’t want to accidentally spoil you 😭😭)

JFKSKSLAKFKSKCJLSKD IM so sorry it WAS clever and cute my brain was just not big enough at the moment to understand 😭😭😭😭😭 but thank u as always i appreciate 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 so honoured you would even think about going back to them lord knows i don’t KFKSJSKA

HEHEHE NO MERCY!!! but ok ok i shall lay low until the day comes 😋😋😋

tea!! simply bc i can’t sleep if i drink coffee fjskfjsj. but that’s been happening with tea too so i haven’t even had tea recently 😭😭😭😭😭 flavour wise i think i like coffee more but also you get so much more variety with tea? hm. HAHA. hbu??

hugssss, c.r. 💝

#marriage anon #wowclunaanswers #long post

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nicomrade · 7 years

Text

i was tagged by @the-space-enby! thank you 4 taggin me bub!

In general:

Real name: lmao im not 100% confy  w/ my birth name anymore so ye. yall should really really call me moki tho

Nicknames: except for the shit based on my birth name/moki i am sometimes known as, birb

 Sexuality: pan/aro ayyyyyy

 Preferred pronouns: they/them baby. he/him is acceptable if you dont have cool neutral pronouns like english does tho no prob friendo i dont mind

 Are you a morning person?: i have to be up in the morning or else im gonna have a shit day but morning is for doin nothin on the interwebs and eating your noon at 11am. im actually super productive at 12pm/1pm so ill say not at all a morning person? like early afternoon? also night is super great if im hyperfocusing on something or else its just the time when im being Sad

 When swimming, do you prefer to do it in the ocean, or in a lake?: pool all the way baby. i swam in a lake once (1) and i remember it being cold so if its Hot why not but ayyy those good ol man-made pools full of piss are the way to go

On tumblr:

Anyone you would like to meet in real life?: mmm @vava-chan-take-over-the-world ??? we gotta meet up next time you come to europe bub

 Anyone you have met in real life?: like the irl friends i bullied into getting a tumblr ye but that doesnt count

When did you first join? How old is your current account?: im too lazy to check but my meme memory should be enough here. i joined few months before that “i crave that mineral” meme so fall 2014 i believe

 Any peeves?: people using the wrong aro flag :( i dont wanna call them out or make an actual post about it cause if youre aro and use the yellow or the orange one then go you!!!! do your thing!!!! and like some artists put time & effort into art themed after the wrong one and i dont wanna be that guy so i shut up but please!!!!!!!! please try using the green/green/white/grey/black one?

Unpopular opinion: not only bigots but bigots-sympathizers should get punched in their ugly, bigoted faces. if youre helping the spread of hateful ideologies because its “freedom of speech” or “looking at all the point of views!!” then im going to personally break your knees regardless of what you actually believe in.

Feelings:

Do you easily get jealous?: not really jealous?? but like, left out & unloved. its mostly when friends seem to be closer to each other than to me but like whenever im third wheeling my current girl crush i die a little more inside

 Do you easily get angry?: i think im p chill? like im the one messing with others and making them angry without meaning to usually. but when im in A Mood and i Need to be Alone im gonna snap and want to kill whoever’s in my space while im lowkey freaking out

 Are you easy to cheer up?: depends??????? on what i need???? some times any of my friend can cause i need to think of something else but othertime its, you say the wrong thing im gonna block you, steal your cat and when you eventually find out ill be like “do u hear that too kitty? it sounds like this place’s haunted or something i keep hearing a voice but i cant see where its coming from”

 Are you good at hiding your emotions?: i wrote a book called “how to make your friends think youre mentally doing great when youre actually in the middle of a 3 months long mental breakdown” so i’d say, via text hell yes, in person i think my mood shifts are pretty obvious

What’s the very best way to cheer you up?: invite me to your house, come to mine even tho i said no, take advantage of my surprise and knock me the fuck out, put me in my bed and go home. ill wake up thinking it was one of my fucked up dreams and feeling better cause Night Time is Hell Time but Noon Time is I’ll See How This Day’s Going Time (ISHTDG Time)

Relationships:

Are you currently in a relationship?: nah

Do you currently have a crush on someone?: i think i still have that crush on that dude from my class though the year’s finished and my girl crush i mentionned earlier. im aro tho so the meaning of crush varies

 If yes, might that someone be reading this?: lmao neither have a tumblr i hope not

Do you kiss on the first date?: my aro ass says whats a date but my touch starved ass says i’ll kiss on the minus 2nd date???

Do you prefer going out, or staying home, when it comes to dates?: whats a date lol

Things:

Favorite drink: its the unhealthiest of all its coke ayyyyyy

Favorite food: lasagnas?? strawberry pie???? fucking pineapple pizza???

Most calming place?: i dont give a fuck about the place whats important is: are there any people around? nobodys there?: chill af, anyones there?:.im already sensory overloading m8

Most stressful place?: anything that reminds me of a Bad Time

 Most prized possession?: im a man of many loves dont make me choose. im a bad commie being attached to material stuff but thats the way i am & marx can kinkshame me anytime

i tag like @fullmoondagger if he wants to & @creepycreampuff if they dont mind also

#tagged #tried not to go edgy in some of those answers cause thats not for my main tumblr anymore lmao

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tangonmarga · 4 years

Text

thoughts

uhhh hi i haven’t written on here since last year but i’m back.

the dude i referred to in my previous posts broke my heart. i’m okay now though, no more anger, sadness, or nostalgia.

that’s not what i’m about to talk about now though. i was watching 2019 BTS Festa video, the Bangtan Attic one. I remember watching it when it came out and the advice they said in the video actually helped me deal with the issues that ensued after the break up.

i was actually pretty miserable from july last year and that kind of dragged on until early april of this year.

i’m currently self-isolating right now, i haven’t done my schoolwork or whatever. i’ve been reading a lot to keep my mind of things. when i didn’t read, i’d watch youtube videos or fangirl over BTS on social media.

honestly, i’d love to talk about what happened the past few months, but i can say truthfully that i’ve lowkey let go of the things that made me miserable? i have moments when i just want to cry though. that’s actually really better than having to accumulate all my emotions and just going off in one setting (feb 29, payag payag. i c u). quarantine has actually given me a lot of time to just reflect on the things that happened the past few months. thinking about them now, it still makes me emotional, but not as much as it used to when i’d get into a panic attack or i start drowning in self-loathing. as i’m typing this though, i feel a little bit choked up but that’s what happens when i drink caffeine at 2 am so i can’t fully blame my emotions.

i have no one to talk to here in my dorm. i live alone for the first time in my life because of issues with roommates in the past. since moving here, it did feel a little bit lonely. i don’t have anyone to talk to since joy is also pretty busy but i don’t hold that against her because we live in different time zones now and i respect her priorities. not that i think she would never prioritize me, she’s actually one call away, i just respect her decision to become more independent in a new environment. anyway, with the things that happened in the past few months, i’ve decided to keep things to myself (not anymore though, i’ve chosen to talk about the things that bothered me to other people. shoutout to nina c). i always used twitter as an outlet because the idea of having to condense your thoughts into a tweet has always been enough. people didn’t think the same though, so i’m off of my personal twitter account and migrated back to my stan account. i think it’s better because i’m less involved in the drama that goes on with irl people. i’d say that it was a breather to just put all my energy into something else, which is fangirling.

sometimes i slip into sadness but its rare. i know i’m probably speaking too soon but i guess i feel like i have to bring it up so i can acknowledge how its actually happening. i’m trying to get back into my hobbies and leisurely activities but that, of course, is going to be hard.

i came back onto tumblr because my dumbass started thinking about how i know when i can finally break out from my social anxiety. before i get into that though, i think i have to talk about how i finally acknowledged how i have social anxiety.

i’ve always known i was indifferent towards people. indifferent in a way that i felt like i was always an outcast or that people didn’t want me to be part of something. then, idk i just arrived to the point that it doesn’t really matter who doesn’t want me in a certain situation because i know there are people who do want me to be part of something. thoughts like that give me hope, you know? i’ve started thinking about not looking into situations too much and constantly asking myself “does she not like me?”, “did i say something to offend her?” etc.

the self reflection i experienced a few weeks ago did help me sort my thoughts out. i started thinking about who i was before i became miserable last year. i knew i always had a positive outlook in life, and i was quite an optimist. those were what kept me sane and it really helped with anxiety. when i came to these thoughts during self-reflection, i realized i’ve been asking myself the wrong questions. “why would it matter if the person likes me or not?”, “should i adjust my tone and my way of speaking to avoid offending others?”, etc. i think shifting into this mindset is better. as i type this out, i think to myself, “am i doing this for the sake of others?”, “am i being a people-pleaser by considering these thoughts?”. the answer is no. before i was subjected into the unbearable pain and misery a few months ago, i did have this mindset. i was always so thoughtful of others, and that itself made me happy. i knew that if i was kind to others, if i was positive around people, that would make me happy too. of course there are some setbacks into this mindset such as when people really be testing you and your patience, but that’s the thing to it- you’re supposed to be patient. thinking about these things again, it reminds me how much i changed after what happened the past few months. back then, i wouldn’t have had to remind myself these things or submit to self-reflection because it came naturally to me. i was the one who never thought about reciprocation. i didn’t count on other people’s well-doings towards me. i never thought “i’d do this for them, why wouldn’t they do it for me too?”. i thought about this a lot and have cried over it. again, i did some self-reflection. i messaged the people i wanted to message, the people who have made me feel important and helped push me into self-reflection. i honestly feel like i lost myself these past few months and i don’t think it’s something i want. i message my friends who have listened to me ramble about the things that bothered me, my friends who checked up on me during ecq, my friend who actually bothered to reply and exhibited the same energy when i messaged her. i also apologized to one of my blockmates for my behavior the past few months, i didn’t get a reply. a tugging feeling claws inside me but for the most part, i really don’t care.

when i realized that i have finally gained a solid grasp to who i was, who i want to be, and who i want to continue to be, i sought comfort through words. that’s when i decided to rewatch 2019 bts festa out of nowhere.

the members actually said a lot of things that are great for the mind. i’m gonna list a few:

- i am my own hope

- it happens

- i’m happy seeing the members happy

i’m sure there were a lot of things i skipped over. they also talked about having to keep up with a persona and that honestly dug in deep too because i know i feel like i always have to act a certain way when im with different people. of course it wouldn’t be easy to shift into a more natural version of myself when im around all these kinds of people but i’ll be sure to work on it more.

anyways, these words helped remind me of who i was and who i want to be. i want to be my own hope, because what and who else will you have to hold onto besides yourself? before talking about this, j-hope mentioned that he started embodying the BTS version of him. j-hope always said “i’m your hope” and he said that he believes there is no distinction between j-hope and jung ho seok because when he kept being hopeful as j-hope, it kind of just rubbed off on jung hoseok too. it’s like, the more hopeful you are, the firmer your grasp onto hope is. this is why i’ve decided to hold onto my own sense of hope: hoping that i do get a better future, hoping that i do grow into a better version of me. suga also discussed the phrase “it happens” and honestly i’ve been trying to live through that phrase. i remember always asking myself the past few months “why did it have to happen to me?”, “do i deserve everything im going through right now?”. when i got into self-reflection, the first statement i remembered was “it happens”, and that’s true. we have no telling of why or how things happened, but what we do know is that it did. there’s no other way we can deal with it other than having to move on and let go from what’s holding us back (e.g. me holding myself back from growing out of my developed pessimism), because again, it happens. taehyung was the one who said “i’m happy seeing the members happy” and i feel like that also contributed a lot to help me find myself again. it reminded me of who i was and how i used to be so hopeful, being an advocate for others and of course being an optimist. i’ve felt cheated by life the past few months that i grew selfish. i have every right for selfishness but there were moments when i exuded that in the wrong situations. of course, i have every right to be selfish after what my ex had done to me before, during and after our relationship. however, i shouldn’t be selfish all the time. there are times when this world requires selflessness and i really want to embody that again, because selfishness honestly isn’t cute.

despite adopting an optimistic mindset, i think there should be an emphasis on being realistic too. i’d like to call this as optimistic realism but i honestly don’t know what im talking about hahaha. i can describe this as holding onto a more positive attitude towards things, situations, and people, but also keeping things realistic. you could treat people without having to consider the thought of them having underlying anger or hatred towards you (this is being optimistic in my opinion), but also approach them without expectations (realistic). expectations might be the biggest heartbreak of them all in my opinion, however, we really cannot blame ourselves for holding onto them. we have every right to expect from people who we really should be expecting from. (like how i expected my ex to straighten the fuck up but im a clown). the expectations im referring to though are the ones that are too much from people who can possibly be just temporary in our lives. like i’ve mentioned earlier, when you expect people to reciprocate the same energy you give them. this is an unfair expectation because not all people are like you. you know how people say we all have different love languages? i think it goes that way. i was bummed a few friends didn’t message me a happy birthday, but whenever i mentioned them in things or whenever i said something alarming on social media, they always replied or they always checked up on me. with the person i’m trying to be, i want to be able to acknowledge these things too because the small things matter.

i think im rambling at this point, but i hope i got my thoughts across.

i’ve actually put off from writing because i became too critical of how i wrote. right now, even though im just typing out my thoughts, i initially wanted to sort them out and organize the ideas and things i had to say. then i reminded myself that if i continue restricting myself into such trivial matters, i wouldn’t be able to grow and find out who i really am, what makes me comfortable. i find out writing without organization is freeing honestly, just like what i’m doing right now.

i’m gonna write a new post on social anxiety in a few minutes because i have a lot to say lol. sorry if the ideas i presented in this text post are too unorganized. figure it out with reading comprehension mwa

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