#like. i’m desperate. i hate myself so much rn

[girlyteengirl16]

i’ve never hated anyone more than i hate myself

#i’m so funny pls kill me i desperately want to die idk how much i can take i hate myself i want to kill myself #this account is a cry for help pls help me #im crying rn #mentally unstable #i wanna kms #pls god kill me #i don’t want to breathe anymore #pls i don’t like feeling like this #trauma #tw depressing stuff #i want to be okay #tw depressing thoughts #i’m so tired of living

[existentialcrisis-24-7]

I am not having a good time rn

#if you know me irl you didnt see this #there’s just so much going on rn tho. family shit (mostly relating to my parents’ divorce that is still affecting me deeply in spite of the #fact that I’m an adult and do not care for them). there’s just so many unprocessed feelings I’ve got #and some of my closest and longest irl friends have just been ignoring me about important shit unless I have something funny or interesting #(as in relating to their interests) to say. which sucks. and there’s also the fact that my mam just told me that I should never ever be #masculine bc she hates it and thinks it’s gross and I have openly told her on many occasions that I often feel masculine and like to present #that way. and there’s the fact that she keeps nagging me over giving her money that I’m desperately trying to save up bc I’ve never learned #money management and impulse control. and she refuses to help me set up a savings account bc ‘you(i) should just be able to go down myself’ #even though she knows(ignores) the fact that I’ve got social anxiety and have never done this before and don’t know what the fuck to do #got there’s just a lot rn and it’s not helping that I’m going back to education soon #which sucks #vent #none of you can stop me from venting

[hanjisungs-bigtittyg0thgf]

soooooo after a delightful conversation with @bahng-chrizz about who in ateez and stray kids would cum untouched from eating you out, i made myself extremely unwell. so have this ig. also pls send in mtls and ask nasty questions, i’m a puddle rn and wanna think about it 😮‍💨 anyways have this byeeeeeeeee

changbin just REALLY loves going down on you. like. so much. eating pussy is his favorite pastime. if he’s not working on a song, his head is between your legs. so naturally, when you get a little too enthusiastic and demand to sit on his face, he is far too eager to comply. 50% of the time he doesn’t even make it to undress before he’s hoisting you over him and trapping you by wrapping his ridiculously-beefy arms around your thighs. and 100% of the time, he cums - usually in his pants - before you ever get the chance to touch him.

hyunjin is a SLUT (affectionate). he’s walking sex. he’s a tease. he knows what he’s doing to you every time he flashes the tiniest amount of skin or just barely touches you. he’s not exactly a brat but he lets you treat him like he is because he likes it a little rough. so when your “punishment” is to tie him down and ride his tongue, he’s in heaven. it doesn’t take long before he’s moaning into your pussy, alerting you to his orgasm just as you’re about to tip over the edge yourself.

jisung is just so needy. really, it’s not you demanding you sit on his face, it’s him. he LIVES for your cunt. doesn’t matter what he’s doing to you, he just desperately needs to be touching you at all times, making you feel good. knowing he’s pleasing you gets him off. so he all but begs and tells you that you don’t even have to do anything except allow him to work, and before you know it, both of you are trembling.

felix is truly the best boy. he’s always so good and extremely reactive. his body is so sensitive to your touch. sometimes he hates how easy it is to work him up because he can never last. everything gets to him, even if it’s only slightly erotic. so after he’s collected his jaw off the floor at your request, he complies and sets off to make you cum. you can tell he’s turned on by his low groans and the way his fingers dig into your thighs but you don’t realize just how turned on he is until he makes a choked sound and begins squirming as he spills all over his belly.

seonghwa, like hyunjin, is walking sex. but he’s timid and easily excitable, like felix, and tends to indulge you, no matter what you ask. he’s quick to agree when you ask to sit on his face and before long, he’s guiding your hips back and forth because he knows how much you like when his nose bumps your clit. seeing you fall apart because of his tongue - and nose - has him suddenly whimpering as he soils his boxers.

san isn’t as frenzied as others you’ve been with but he’s certainly passionate about pleasing you. he also loves when you use him. he’s told you before how hot it is to him and he regularly lays back and lets you fuck yourself while he enjoys the view. you notice him bucking his hips into the air moments before you come undone yourself and just as you reach back to help him along, he lets go across his stomach, the visual finishing you off as well.

mingi is the awestruck type. to him, you’re a goddess and sex with you is a religious experience. you even taste heavenly. this regularly drives him mad and he simply must take his time to fully appreciate your taste. he often loses himself in your pleasure and every time you find yourself seated on his face, teetering on the edge of ecstasy, he does it again. the moment you explode on his tongue, he can’t contain himself. the only orgasms that are better than those are the ones where he’s buried deep inside you and you’re reacting the same way he reacts to you - like he’s a god.

wooyoung is the brattiest boy. he regularly challenges you and only offers a shit-eating grin in response. it often lands him in hot water, not that he really cares. but sometimes, when he’s feeling like a good boy - read: he doesn’t think he can handle being punished so retracts all his previous actions and statements - he gives you his all and starts to get lost in you. he devours you and begs for more with a simple pleading expression and when you seem to give in, he cums almost as hard as if you’d been sucking the life out of him.

#kpop smut #kpop hard thoughts #stray kids smut #stray kids hard thoughts #han jisung smut #han jisung hard thoughts #changbin smut #changbin hard thoughts #hwang hyunjin smut #hwang hyunjin hard thoughts #lee felix smut #lee felix hard thoughts #ateez smut #ateez hard thoughts #seonghwa hard thoughts #seonghwa smut #choi san smut #choi san hard thoughts #mingi hard thoughts #mingi smut #wooyoung smut #wooyoung hard thoughts #alura’s a fucking mess y’all #on my fucking knees #in SHAMBLES #anyways hi i’m back ily

[thesunandneeks]

in this phase where every song I listen to reminds me of nico di angelo- going to start collecting them here bc it’s important

1. this kills in reference to nico & percy. feel like it holds both of their pov’s :,,) also has casino mentions which,, lol

2. nico to will nico to will nico to will !!!! so soft so sweet so innocent kills in a whole different way

3. feels so much like nico’s pain from battle of labyrinth through blood of olympus. also, just know nico would be a huge mitski stan- it’s soso his sound.

4. im sorry these are all v mainstream but they fit so well. this feels like nico when he was crushing on percy. so much so. “only if you knew how much I liked you… watch as she stands, put your arm round her shoulder, now I’m getting colder… but how could you hate her? she’s such an angel… she’s got you mesmerized, while I die… you like her better… wish I were heather”

5. will being the little healing lover boy he is to nico ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

6. more solangelo sweetness!!! i die for the “im only soft for you” dynamic “do not enter its written on the doorway, why can’t everyone just go away? except you- you can stay. what do you think of my treehouse?… usually I’m all by myself”

7. oh god if the other songs kill this one stingsss. I listen and just hear nico finally finding stability and love and a home in will.

every. lyric. is. them. esp “to you I can admit, I’m just too soft for all of it” again w the only soft for u dynamic. pls!!! stings stings stings!!!!!

8. this is a bit of a genre jolt jump but I can’t get through listening to this without giggling and kicking my feet thinking about solangelo its them it’s them it’s them

I feel like the energy of the song really matches their playful banter but also the desperation and frustration they had towards each other when they both had feelings before admitting so (end of blood of olympus) just so sweet and cutesy and perf for them!!!

“Im lost in admiration could i need you this much? oh, you’re wasting my time, you’re just, just, just, just wasting time- SOMETHINGHAPPENSANDIMHEADOVERHEELS!!!!! I never find out until I’m head over heels!!!!" also a little quick line of "and dreaming im a doctor”,, mr healing boy?? and then “traditions I can trace against the child in your face- won’t escape my attention”??? love. love. love.

I’ll stop here for now lolll but will def be adding to this bc I am in so deep with nico and solangelo rn.

#nico di angelo #will solace #solangelo #the sun and the star #percy jackon and the olympians #percy series #spotify #percico #Taylor swift Percy Jackson #mitski #Percy Jackson playlist #nico di Angelo moodboard #solangelo moodboard #Percy Jackson #pjo playlist #Spotify

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

#terfblr #radical feminism #terfsafe #radblr #gender critical #radical feminist safe #misogny #sexism #trans logic #gender abolition #answered asks

[growsagain]

Before you follow or message me (updated Mar ‘24)

💙 Tummy kink blog (no minors) run by a gaining 40-something, bi, demisexual, transmasc feedee belly model who’s played a stomach fetish character called Gurgle Goddess for the past ten years 🍟🍔

💜 👉 Looking for feeders! 👈 Gaining is my serious focus right now!  SW: 6 stone (84lb/38kg) ✨ CW: 17 stone (238lb/107.9kg) ✨ GW: 300lb (21.4 stone/136kg)

🩷 My health limits the amount I can work. Updating Patreon is my priority but I share samples, preview pics and bonus clips on social media as much as I’m able!

🤍 SORRY, I DON’T DM! Especially not if you just send ‘hi’ or ‘hey’. Anything else, I’ll maybe check once in a blue moon and ask you to send me an ask or an email instead!

🩵 My posts are often filtered by tumblr so feel free to check my blog occasionally for the things you may have missed!

Before you message me:

Gurgle Goddess is just a character I play - I’m a real person (hi! 🤗) go here if you want to send asks for me to answer in character: @ggmorereal and here where I’m just being myself: @imthemiddleman

‼️ NO TRIBUTES ‼️ Enjoy my content however you like! I just don’t wanna see or hear about it!

🔸Please Don’t:🔸 Flirt, use familiar, cute or feminine nicknames or terms, or talk about touching/doing things to any part of my body, that makes me really uncomfortable

✨💛 Happily taken 💛✨ very devoted to my lovely partner Luce! 🥰 💍 been together over 10 years 🥰

Please don’t send pics/vids - I really appreciate the thought! It just makes me uncomfortable, I’m sorry! the only tummy I’m into is my lovely partner’s 🥵 and a possible exception of maybe two fictional characters (yeah, you know who one of those is 😑😑😑)

I’d rather be complimented than teased/degraded - I’m proud of my body, belly & gains 🩵 I only like the other stuff from Luce 😈

Sorry, I don’t IM, but I love asks!!! especially anons I can post 🤗

Sorry, I can’t do small talk! I’m autistic, exhausted and extremely socially awkward, I’m always happy to answer questions in asks but that’s about my limit 🤯

🩷 My favourite parts of the kink (in current approx order!):

Weight gain (not into unrealistic or excessive/immobility)

Burping

Stuffing/Bloating/Overeating

Strongfat

Belly noises

Digestion

Upset tummy

Internal Gas

Object vore (marbles etc)

💜 Lesser parts of my kink (often only of interest in specific circumstances):

Hiccups

Hunger noises (I HATE being hungry so growls are way less exciting to me but are more interesting now I’m fatter and they give my greed away so much more than they used to 🤫!)

Stretch marks

Full bladder/desperation

Pregnancy/mpreg

🖤 On Hold: Farting

Please leave farts WELL alone right now. in addition to the severe health issues that make this impossible rn the way some members of the community have bombarded me about this over the years have at this point destroyed the tiny part of it I found enjoyable. If I‘m ever to enjoy this in *any* way again or have any inclination to make fart content in future it’s really important that I find my *own* way into enjoying this again to even a small degree. Time and space are the best way for that to happen - thank you for understanding 💕

🩶 Personally not into:

Being hungry/starving

Inflation

Vore

Farts (right now)

💔 Turn-Offs:

Vomiting (actually phobic, can only tolerate in written form)

Scat

More extreme farting stuff (face sitting etc, big turn off)

Unrealistic weight gain/eating

💚 And if anyone’s interested, here are some of my Non Belly kinks:

Mind control

Intox

False memory

Embarrassment/humiliation

Drag (obviously :P)

Body transformation? I mean, weight gain comes under that umbrella too obvs but things like (not extreme) muscle building, body mods, other body changes

I also have a lot of non-con/survival kinks that serve as trauma processing.

Romance/yearning/jealousy/tragic love (I have issues ok??? :P T has done a number on my emotions!!!) (and yes it is a kink, as i’ve come to resentfully admit, much to my chagrin and Lucy’s amusement!!! 😫😅)

Captain Jack fucking Harkness 😑😑😑 I think he counts 😫

Aside from belly stuff I’m total fandom trash, talk to me about Torchwood and I’m putty in your hands :P

[justalia]

i think that I can’t imagine my desire fully as mine. it’s just so, ugh… first to imagine and to materialize it you have to have it inside of you but is so hard! Why is it so hard? Why? I imagine and feel it but sometimes I react to the 3D and I can choose not to identify with it but they say “manifestation is instant” and I can’t fully feel like something is mine ALL THE TIME. I feel so frustrated and realized I’ve never felt something fully and I feel so desperate and sad. Have I ever had even the faith in life? Or in myself?

I imagine and then maybe have a negative moment and just because that was my state is going to reflect? I can change my state later but I can’t keep up with this at all. I feel like I have lost hope in me, I just feel like I can’t anymore. How can I be? How? If I was and things never happened, because they never came. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling rn, It’s just this feeling of not knowing how to feel, or to believe. I don’t want to have it in imagination anymore. I hate the fact that imagination will reflect instantly because it feels like a jail to me, I’m trying but I feel so hard to “be”. For example, I’m manifesting my desired physical appearance and sometimes I feel like I’m the most beautiful person ever that has the face that I’ve always wanted but then I look in the mirror to do my makeup and I feel a little out of my state and then continue like normally but that happens a lot, even If I don’t identify with the negative most of the time is just a mess. I know I shouldn’t feel like this, I’m so jealous of people that can feel things and then they their desires pop up in a week or less. I feel like a loser and lost.

I’ve been reading your page and wanted to ask you; what would you do in my place? If you see this thank you so much for your help, have a great day <3

you’re not supposed to feel anything, you’re not forced to feel anything.

feeling it’s just a knowing that you have it IN IMAGINATION.

if you still go and look for things, if you react negatively to your 3D you really have not switched your state and you really think the 3D is able to tell you what you can or cannot have in imagination.

i know how you’re feeling, i get it. i suggest you listen to edward art’s video “law of being, law of having”.

i felt more in bondage too when i discovered the law because i was hyper aware of anything my imagination was doing and i felt awful when i felt out of the state bc i was scared it would reflect or that my negative thoughts would reflect.

the key to this is realizing that imagination is the creator of all things. even this state you are in, it’s just a state you’re experiencing. it is not who you are.

you are i am passing through states and if you can imagine something negative you can also imagine its opposite.

if imagination creates chaos and worry and paranoia it also creates calmness and peace. once you truly realize that you naturally choose whatever makes you feel better.

you don’t have to deny the existence of the negative. denial only causes you to fear. you have to accept that the negative exists within you, accepting it dissipates fear.

you have to realize you’re not stuck in it, you’re not stuck in that state. you can move.

you can move and be indifferent to the old state by accepting a new truth in its place.

[rianafying]

i’m having a really bad day emotionally. idk if it’s my period hormones or bpd but i’m just in a really sucky mood today. yesterday i recovered from one illness that i had since late jan. i’ve been desperately waiting to feel better and this morning i woke up with another kind of illness. and i’m doing my best to recover from this as well. and something triggered my abandonment response and im just having a really really hard time right now. and i can’t even freely talk about it to anyone or even write about it in my journal. i’m just. so sad right now. i’m not abandoned but i feel that way. i have been feeling abandoned for a while now and a small thing that happened last night really amped it up. then this morning i woke up with a crazy amount of physical pain and fever from said illness and im also severely dehydrated because i have been too upset to drink water so i’ve been forcing myself to drink lots of water all day. and had to take painkillers and sleep the fever off. all by myself. i hate being by myself. but it was worse when i was living with family back in bangladesh. somehow i felt even lonelier and more horrible there. lately i’ve had very little hope about myself and my future. i’m just going through a rough time mentally. so are my loved ones. i’m sobbing as i’m writing about this. this isn’t even bad. like it’s just my mental illness over reacting and my hormones possibly amplifying the negative emotions. but nothing terrible has actually happened it’s just that i wanted something and i can’t have it and even in my dreams, my desires plague me. it all sounds vague but that’s on purpose because i can’t openly talk about it. even when faced with much greater difficulty, i have handled things better but right now even though it’s not actually that bad, i feel exceptionally sad. i did my groceries. made the right decisions. i literally did my very fucking best today. and yet i feel nothing but awful awful awful. even some self hatred and self pity. i’m having a hard time trying to logic myself out of this one. maybe it just needs some time. the problem is that i don’t have all that much time to give. i have a class early tomorrow and it’s one of those classes that i really have to participate in and even though i normally look forward to this class, im dreading it right now. i dont have the energy to learn a whole bunch of things right now. and my friends invited me for drinks after classes, which is great but sucks because i literally have 5$ in my bank account to last me the whole week, and today was just monday. idk how this happened. actually i know exactly how this happened, i paid of my medical bills when i got paid this weekend. that’s why i have nothing left. but it’s a big relief. that i have paid off all my hospital debt. it’s a huge deal. and it’s done. now temporarily i’ll struggle a little but it’ll be okay soon. also it was just 11:11pm and i made a good wish. i’m going to try my best to bring it to fruition. rn im still a bit sick, and im not gonna beat myself up for having a bad couple of days. i know im doing my best. my best is not as good as other people’s but it’s mine. and i am choosing to go easy on myself. i’m feeling a fever coming back. the plan for the rest of the night is to maybe rest till my fever goes away. then watch the movies i downloaded w the library wifi, because guess what, i didn’t have money to get wifi this month. so i barely use my data and i try to download as much as i can at uni and at the library. it has been kind of good for me. to be off the internet mostly. this reminds me i should deactivate my instagram soon. idc if i loose my work flow. or maybe try to find balance between life offline and online. after i’m done resting and my fever subsides, ill boil some eggs and what not. i deserve to eat well. nvm im back to crying in my fetal position. oh god i feel so bad. i feel so bad right now. i can’t do anything about this. and the things that i can fix, i don’t. this is literally my life. crying about things i can’t control and ignoring the things i can control

this is the worst i have felt in 2024 so far. i’m so sad that it’s giving me a headache. i’m so disoriented and confused and tired and sad i don’t wanna do anything. i’m depressed as fuck. why does this happen to me. oh god i let a couple of hours pass, and i’m doing a little bit better. this is so stupid.

#personal #journal entry

[sonnetnumber23]

Good Omens Season 2 Rewatch

I’ve started a rewatch of GO2 and I’ve got two main purposes:

1)      Find the reasonable proof and explanation that Aziraphale was not a complete stupid arsehole in the last episode, and all that had reasons – and therefore help my girlfriend and myself to make peace with this ending which we’ll have to live with for a very long time if not forever.

2)      Get into the material more properly to write my own fix-it fic. I really need one for therapy reasons and I want it to be a something I believe in.

Since writing is a very lonely process and I want to discuss things or at least shout into the void rn, I’ll comment on what I see and feel along the way if I feel like it. If anyone reads it, please be aware of the spoilers and forgive my mistakes – I’m not going to proofread it. Also feel free to discuss things with me too if you like. I wish us all to get the show renewal very soon.

1.      Before the beginning.

Okay, I’m with you, guys when you rage against the rewrite of the canonical meeting scene, and Aziraphale being the first to fall in love. I believe them when I see it, but I don’t like it. (*insert the Doctor Who gif here*)

Crowley is downright stunning in this scene despite the ridiculous hair. The way he marvels at his creation as if it’s his child and something entirely separate from him at the same time – that’s just incredibly moving, and I can see how Aziraphale is immediately drawn to him.

What struck me unexpectedly during the second watch was that…

From Aziraphale’s POV, it was him, Aziraphale who led Crowley to his Fall.

Not Lucifer and not even himself. It was Aziraphale who first made Crowley question the will of the Almighty. If it were not for him Crowley wouldn’t ask those questions that got him into trouble.

I mean, of course that’s not true. Crowley would have learnt about the limits of the universe eventually even without Aziraphale, and his constant urge to doubt things and think for himself would have brought him to Lucifer.

But in that moment Aziraphale has just seen the perfect angel exercising God’s will and a moment later – after his words – that angel started to doubt the Almighty.

Azraphale with all his experience at shoving the unpleasant thoughts away would certainly convince himself that it wasn’t his fault. But deep down he’d blame himself – if only just a little – for Crowley’s Fall.

Can’t that too be one of the reasons why he so desperately wants to unFall Crowley??

Don’t know about you, but I’d quite like that.

***

Aziraphale: “I’m very good at forgiveness. It’s one of my favourite things.”

Flash forward to “I forgive you”, ugh L

I do hate that line in the last episode sooo much. However, as a person who makes a lot of mistakes and often asks for forgiveness, this is what I think:

People who very easily forgive people are often those who wish that they were forgiven themselves. Aziraphale if desperately insecure and self-conscious (which I will address to in other episodes), and he compensates for that trying to be part of the system and a community and by claiming that he is the good one. Unlike Crowley he actually has very shaky beliefs about what good and evil are. That’s because he has this learnt truth and he has something he feels deep down. And they often contradict each other, but since he knows (deep down) he’s not a truly good person, he doesn’t trust his own guts more than he trusts what he knows.

So he actually craves forgiveness and approval himself, which is why he’s so quick to forgive people around him – even those who don’t need his forgiveness.

***

Crowley: “You have three reasons for calling me: you’re bored, you need to tell someone about something clever you did before you pop, or something’s wrong. << That’s one of the facts that prove that they both learnt very little after the Armageddon’t. They’re still the same weird sort of friends, only now they can meet more often without the fear of being punished. But they still haven’t talked anything through, Crowley still sleeps in his car, and they both aren’t sure what the other one think of their relationship. My darling idiots. T_T

***

When Crowley comes back after the talk with Beelzebub he apologizes even though his previous words were “Aziraphale, what have you done?” He has nothing to apologize for here and yet he does, because only this way he can be back at Aziraphale’s side. It’s such a parallel with S1’s scene where Crowley comes back to the bookshop after the bandstand argument and apologizes even though it was Aziraphale who said they were not friends and much more.

It’s interesting because while Aziraphale is eager to forgive because he feels guilty deep down, he doesn’t like to admit his fault – he remembers all the times he did. Crowley on the other hand is ready to say he’s sorry, maybe because he knows that he is right but he’s doing it for Aziraphale. He needs Aziraphale too much to let a little thing like apology stand between them.

*

Other things:

“It’s called hot chocolate. You drink it.” – a parallel to “It’s sushi. You dip it in soy sauce.” I love it so much that this time Aziraphale got to introduce Gabriel to some earthly delights.

*

Gabriel: “Well, I expect it will be fine. Most things are fine at the end.”

Oh yeah? Are they, Neil??

*

So funny that when Maggie thanks Aziraphale and says he’s an angel, and Crowley asks if he’s been doing good again, Aziraphale starts to deny it as if it were something embarrassing. :D Also lovely that Crowley actually wants to know – he loves Aziraphale being Aziraphale. I think this season I can finally agree with David Tennant saying that it infuriates Crowley that he loves Aziraphale. It has always seemed a bit far-fetched to me, because I’m sure Crowley came to terms with his feelings a while ago. But in this season you can see that it’s not about him being angry with himself for loving Aziraphale. He’s angry at himself for loving what Aziraphale is – all his trusting-believing-in-good self. :’D He hates that this is the part of Aziraphale that often both hurts him and puts Aziraphale himself in danger, and yet it’s the part that he loves.

(Which makes me think: if Aziraphale turned down the Metatron’s proposal and chose life with Crowley away from all this, and then started to lose his angelic features and beliefs, due to the disappointment in himself, wouldn’t Crowley feel like he’s losing Aziraphale, and it’s his fault?)

*

Crowley is the first in the scene after he sees Gabriel to use the word “we” and “us”. He Thinks of them as an item. Then he’s the first one to switch to “what I need…” He feels so threatened here; he feels that “they” aren’t as important to Aziraphale as to him, so he tries to hide his own feelings as if he only thinks of himself. Oh, Crowley! :’(

*

Aziraphale: “If you refuse to help me, then of course…” He’s such a manipulative bastard, I can’t. The fact that he tries to use the same weapon in the last episode... ugh.

***

Okay, this was only one episode yet, and it took forever. And I’m not even mentioning the bits I simply loved or those things which I’ve already read about in other people’s posts…

Oh my!

#good omens 2 meta #good omens 2 spoilers #good omens #i'm not even sure it will be successful #but it's easier for me to think straight with a keyboard under my fingers #long post

[iloveutoodeath]

ok i feel the need to clarify re: the last post where i said i hate my new job on the basis of it being a management team position… like i don’t mind the being in charge of business and delegating things that have to get done and i don’t even mind dealing with customers as a manager either. (i actually LOVE dealing with angry customers because i’m really really good with customer service / solving problems for customers and turning the situation around into something where they’ve gone from upset to having their day made lmao. and then they leave and i get to laugh and gossip about the situation with my coworkers lmaooo) i don’t even mind the responsibility of like locking up or counting registers and preparing the deposits or other operational apsects of being a manager. that’s all cool!!! i don’t mind being in charge!!!!!

what i HATE is like the fact that you have to take accountability for sales and customer loyalty and all these stupid metrics i don’t really care about. THAT is the part that i absolutely hate and the fact that managers above you are on your ass about how you have to coach the team members below you and you have to have touch base meetings about business commitments and all this other dumb stuff like can we just run a store??? can we just sell arts and craft supplies and be done with it?? do we have to deal with all this other stupid shit??? and every single time (more times than i can count) i’ve landed myself in a retail management position it’s always because i think ehhh it’s not so bad being in charge FORGETTING that it actually is not just about being in charge but dealing with allll that other dumb stuff and idk why i always forget that but i always do!!!! and that’s why yet again i’m stuck in a job i’m not too crazy about. altho i will say that it’s so much more chill being a manager at m*chaels than it was being one at bth & b*dy works lmao. so it’s okayyy i guessss but it could have been more chill if i had just joined as a regular team member. buuuut i probably wouldn’t have the same stable hours as a regular associate as i do rn. and well desperate financial times call for desperate measures rip i’ve been so broke and i need to get myself back into a stable money situation. idk i’ll probably just deal with this for a year or so.

#more being a hater over my new job lmao.

[perculiar]

Bouncing in and out of intense dissociation after Family Drama re domestic abuse and needing to step into old protective roles.

Witnessed by a best friend I had growing up who is now my mums gardener. Once the active threat was defused, I got to say hello. We sat and chatted for a good half hour.

I told him I’m working through a lot of childhood shite (various abuses) and he asked how I’m doing rn. When I explained I can’t visit so often for my own emotional/psychological safety and told me, “it’s ok, I know why you can’t come back.”

& idk. it broke me a little. Incredibly affirming & comforting. But. Idk. Nobody ever saw the worst, the bruises on my stomach from being booted. Or whatever.

But what they did see was enough to know that even the verbal abuse is part of the family status quo. What I survived. What we all had to survive and how it came from every fucking angle. Every fucking angle.

He more or less said he was happy I made it out & asked me how Manchester’s going. Then invited me to stay at his when I visit, “you don’t need to come back and visit them”.

It just rocked me in ways I didn’t expect. This whole day - seeing how things have changed, how some things have gotten worse when I thought they’d improved - has rocked me.

It doesn’t surprise me. It’s just kind of harrowing really. To know some things have remained unchanged.

My mum + nana + sister + nephew all deserve so much more than they’ve been given. Trauma compounding trauma compounding trauma.

It’s easier to see it for what it is now, but that doesn’t mean it’s fixable. Or easily healed.

Also spoke to my mum n nana about some of the covert incest I’ve experienced from my “”dad””.

He was going to come over. All week I’ve been hoping desperately that he doesn’t just pop up like he used to and I’d have to deal with him alone.

I went to check he definitely wouldn’t be coming after my sister told my mum he was about and my brother said he wants to come up too. Then M promptly rang my sister to ask for my mums number. She just put my mum on the phone thankfully and I got to hear his voice for the first time in years. I think I just started shaking and stared at the floor by my mum. I know she was watching me as she told him to not come today. I think I was clawing at my arm too without meaning to.

Then when it was just me, mum and nana she said “can I ask you a private question” and I pointed out that we weren’t alone but said yeah and she asked why I reacted like that. Asked if I just don’t want to see him because of how he treated her.

I stumbled through an explanation and said one of my first childhood memories was him pushing her so she fell over and smacked her head open on the radiator. Then the general domestic abuse. But also. How I couldn’t remember before but how I’ve started to remember things that didn’t make sense or were just. Not okay.

Like how he’d fall asleep and grab me and not let me up. Mum did that he did that to her too and I told her he’d do it a lot when it was just me and him and I’d panic and just have to shake and hold myself still til he fell asleep.

Then I said his behaviour would change - especially when it was just me and him. Never around my brother. But I thought it was normal. I told her about seeing him naked at his house but being really confused because he came into the bathroom when I was in the bath (which surprised me). My mum interrupted with a kind of surprise gasp ?? and said she’d never ever seen her dads privates. & I just breathed and said the thing about it is I’m pretty sure he was hard. and I don’t know why or whether it’s his general incompetence or purposeful.

My nana said inappropriate either way. Which was nice. I didn’t expect them to. Idk. Accept what I said so easily.

They just sat there n listened and were supportive?? And said like. Ofc you wouldn’t want to see him. That’s a lot etc.

Also told them about how when I hated him and wouldn’t speak to him he’d come wake me up and rub my thighs. And how much it made me uncomfortable and cringe away. I forgot to mention how he’d tell me off for ignoring him at the same time or call me names. But yeah.

I let what we said rest a bit. But said like, I don’t think he’s a danger to the kids (my niblings) and how I think it was bc he …could… with me. In that in-between space I existed in where I was His Daughter but also, wasn’t.

Didn’t explain that offenders are less likely to be pedophiles, and more likely to just be opportunists. But it felt too far and too Much to get into more.

So that happened.

A mere half hour after I stepped in front of my sister bc my brother looked like he was going to throw a fucking can of coke at her head or lunge at her after she made a comment.

He threatened her and verbally abused her from outside the house when we got him out. & my mum calmed him down but we all had to listen to his shit and it was fucking sickening.

Loathe the fact my family still have to deal with that abuse. When he can fly off the handle like that, i fucking fear for the kid he’s about to have.

Catapulted me back into the 12 year old that would step between him and my sister or my mum and desperately try calm him down before he actually hurt one of them in his lashing out.

As my friend said. He’s been like that for 20 fucking years.

I had thought it had gotten better. But I don’t think so. It seems worse. The instant flip.

& the shit he fucking says.

Afterwards my mum said he was provoked by what my sister said and I just said no. No he wasn’t. & if anything, my sister has all the right in the world to be angry at him. A whole lifetime of reasons.

#personal #family #cw incest mention #cw abuse #cw domestic abuse #pls like if read (for my own reassurance)

[putmenthedirt]

rant about my mental health and trying to get health insurance

i need to get into the doctor so bad like my anxiety is getting out of control and i can’t manage it on my own anymore. i’ve been trying to get my insurance all set up but they make it so much more complicated than it needs to be so it ends up stressing me out, which then just makes me even more anxious.

i have this form i need to fill out and give the human services people by monday and half of the information i need to fill out and so dumb and like yes it’s overallly pretty easy for me to do it but it’s the effort i have to put in that is stressing me out. plus it’s so confusing that i have to read the prompt/directions like 5 times to even understand it and even then i ask my mom just to make sure i’m filling it out right. also i’ve been sick for like a month but i don’t have insurance to pay for a covid test so for all i know it could literally be covid. being sick and also having constant panic and anxiety attacks is actually the worst thing i have felt in a whole and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

i also can’t even bring myself to get a job with this anxiety because it’s so debilitating and idk what to do. i don’t want to see a therapist but i think i’m going to have to because i have no clue how to keep coping with this. and i stopped taking my old medication like probably a year ago because i hated the fact that i depended on it to feel better but now i’m realizing that i’m much rather depend on medicine than feel the way i do rn. i was talking with my mom and she said that my sister (who i think i have either the same amount of anxiety, or possible more) was given the option to do inpatient anxiety treatment, and if i’m being totally honest, i desperately want to do that until i can function like a normal person.

and not to mention, when my anxiety gets worse, so does my depression. but it also feels like i don’t even focus on my depression as much when i’m constantly having anxiety attacks, which to me feels like it’s better that way but also i just have this dread and suicidal thoughts just hanging over me.

plus ik i’ve already been diagnosed with severe anxiety and severe depression so like obviously this makes sense but i was doing so good for the better part of this year until something (i still have no clue what (i’m lying, i have some clue)) triggered my anxiety again.

i also have no clue if this is good for me BUT i’m thinking of maybe going to a nutritionist/dietician to help me figure out what i should eat to make me feel better too. bc i know the food you eat and the exercise you do really does help you feel better.

so yeah. idk i just needed to get this all off my chest to at least feel kinda better.

if anyone read all this, luv u n thank u <3 i hope ur feeling better than i am

#ziggy’s thoughts are stardust

[bloomblitz]

Dracula Daily June 25th

Another long one, and boy its a doozy!

Jonathan gets some fresh air Oh god, finally

No man knows till he has suffered from the night how sweet and how dear to his heart and eye the morning can be. True words right there, my friend

Last night one of my post-dated letters went to post, the first of that fatal series which is to blot out the very traces of my existence from the earth. Let me not think of it. Action! YES! YES! Hope is not lost yet!Also maybe John didn't write so much this past month because he was making plans, and feared if he were to write them down then Drac would find out about them.

It has always been at night-time that I have been molested Found the sentence Tumblr's gonna go nuts over

I have seen him myself crawl from his window. Why should not I imitate him, and go in by his window? Are...are you serious rn? John, Jonathan you MUST know you can't scale sheer castle walls like a lizard! My poor man you're going to tumble right down and meet the same fate as your looking glass!

The chances are desperate, but my need is more desperate still. I shall risk it. At the worst it can only be death; and a man's death is not a calf's, and the dreaded Hereafter may still be open to me. God help me in my task! Good-bye, Mina, if I fail; good-bye, my faithful friend and second father; good-bye, all, and last of all Mina! Holy hell, he's really going for it. It's literally do or die now, and by the sound of it, John doesn’t really expect to come out of this little excursion alive. Please be safe John, I pray for you.

Same day, later. Well, he survived at least.

I looked down once, so as to make sure that a sudden glimpse of the awful depth would not overcome me That's actually really really smart! As someone who hates heights this is a great idea anytime I'm forced to high places.

The room was empty! It was barely furnished with odd things, which seemed to have never been used There goes my 'finding Drac sleeping in a coffin' theory

It was open, and led through a stone passage to a circular stairway, which went steeply down. Oh? My interest is piqued

At last I pulled open a heavy door which stood ajar, and found myself in an old, ruined chapel, which had evidently been used as a graveyard. My GOD I have never seen a Dracula movie but I PRAY movie directors recreated this scene as magnificently as it played out in my mind.

There, in one of the great boxes, of which there were fifty in all That's.....that's a lot of coffins.

lay the Count! THERE'S my 'finding Drac sleeping in a coffin' scene!

for the eyes were open and stony, but without the glassiness of death You are the bravest man I know, John. You see Drac's eye open and stay around long enough to discover that he's not actually concious.

By the side of the box was its cover, pierced with holes here and there. Holes? Like someone trying to stake a vamp though a coffin lid holes?

I thought he might have the keys on him, but when I went to search John's getting payback for Drac stealing his stuff. Again, such bravery to try and find the keys on the Count himself.

and leaving the Count's room by the window, crawled again up the castle wall. like a lizard, you say?

#dracula daily

[gritty-big-naturals]

i just need to yell a little bit so feel free to ignore this but.

i’m just so fucking tired of living in a constant state of pain. yesterday i woke up hurting, but had to clean the apartment bc i promised my roommates i would (and quite frankly there was desperate need). so of course, i fucking forced myself to work through the pain and like. i DID it. i got what i needed to done.

but then i slept for 11 hours and woke up so so exhausted and in so much fucking pain it hurts to move and i just want to fucking cry. i should be able to vacuum and mop a 3 sq ft apartment without being full on immobilized the next day i fucking despise fibromyalgia i fucking despise chronic illness i just want to have a body that fucking WORKS aaaAaaaAAAAAAA

i shouldn’t need a cane to get around bc i used a broom the day before. i shouldn’t sleep for 11 hours straight and wake up feeling so tired i could sleep for 11 more. i shouldn’t feel every muscle in my back screaming at me just for inhaling a little too deeply. i’m so fuckin dogged up in the brain rn too i’m deadass afraid to say words out loud bc i just know they’ll be slurred.

i fucking Hate This and it’s never going away

#fibroposting #fibromyalgia can suck my dick i am so so tired of this #i just want a working body