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boldly-ho · 4 years

Text

Another Life - Chapter 16

Fandom: What We Do in the Shadows

Pairing: Vladislav x Reader

Series Rating: E

Word Count: 1982

Chapter Summary: You ask some innocent questions about hypnosis, and Viago and Deacon grow suspicious.

A/N: Same shit as always: it’s on AO3.

“Good evening, Y/N,” Viago greeted you cheerily as he entered the lounge. He was definitely a morning person. Evening person? Whatever.

“Hey,” you shot back in a monotone. You sounded about as good as you felt. Not very.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” you answered, though you were sure your tone was doing nothing to convince him. “I’m just exhausted.”

“You didn’t sleep well last night?” He asked, concerned.

“Not really. I was in and out of sleep. I think I was having nightmares.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. What about?”

“No idea,” you answered honestly. Your sleep was fitful, and you felt uneasy and disturbed upon waking, but you couldn’t recall your dreams.

“Then how do you know they were nightmares?”

You shrugged. “I could just tell.”

Viago nodded in understanding. Making his way over to the ancient green couch where you sat lengthwise, taking up every cushion with your outstretched legs, he asked, “May I sit?”

“It’s your couch.” You lifted you legs just long enough for him to sit down, then laid them to rest on his lap. He set his hands on your shins, giving you a gentle squeeze as he settled.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

You offered him a gentle smile. “That’s okay. There isn’t really anything to talk about, since I don’t remember the dream. Thank you, though, I appreciate it.”

“Of course.”

“Do vampires get nightmares?” you asked. “Do you still dream?”

“Oh yes. Vampires dream. Our dreams are a lot more vivid than human dreams, though.”

“That must make the nightmares a bitch, huh?” you joked.

He nodded, without any humor. “It does.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

He shrugged it off. “I don’t have nightmares too often anymore.”

“What do you dream about?” Viago paused, and you blushed, realizing that was a very personal question. “Sorry. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s fine. My dreams are much the same as they were when I was alive, just more vivid. They’re usually quite nonsensical, just flashes of scenes, mainly. Though, I’ve dreamed about the sun much more often since I’ve become a vampire.”

You supposed that made sense, him not having seen the sun in hundreds of years. Though, with the sun’s effect on vampires, that sounded more like a nightmare than a dream. Maybe it was. You asked him, “Dreams or nightmares?”

“They’ve been both. But they’re usually good dreams. I can go out and feel the warmth on my skin and not burn. It’s nice. Though, I’m not sure it’s right anymore. I’m not sure I remember what sunlight actually feels like after all this time.”

Your heart ached for him, and for the rest of your flatmates. Petyr hadn’t seen the sun in over 8000 years. You couldn’t even begin to imagine. They had all gained so much. Transformation, teleportation, immortality. You hadn’t thought about some of the little things they’d lost. Not being able to eat human food and having to kill to survive had crossed your mind, obviously. And you were aware, of course, that they were nocturnal, but you had never really thought about their having to give up sunlight.

“Is there any way, indirectly, that you could at least look at the sun?”

“We watched a video of a sunrise when Stu was teaching us about the internet.”

“That’s nice,” you offered.

“I suppose so. It was a bit hard to enjoy. Seeing the sun pass the horizon filled me with fear, even though I knew it couldn’t really harm me.”

If your heart had already ached for him, now it had broken.

“That’s awful, Viago, I’m so sorry.”

He smiled gently. “It’s not really a big deal. Most of the time I don’t miss it, anymore. We’re supposed to be talking about dreams, remember?”

You laughed. “Oh, right. How could I have gotten so off topic?” you teased.

“What about you? What do you usually dream about?”

Deacon loudly clamored down the stairs. “Are we taking about dreams?”

“Ja. Y/N had a nightmare.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” you said. “I can’t remember.”

“Vampire nightmares are especially realistic.”

“I know. Viago mentioned that.”

“Move your legs so I can sit.”

You rolled your eyes. “Fine, but I’m putting them back after you sit.”

You swung your legs out of the way while Deacon sat down, waiting for him to get situated before you put your legs back across both of their laps.

“I had a really freaky dream the other day,” Deacon said.

You and Viago looked at him, waiting for him to continue.

“I was being chased by a giant rat. It eventually caught me and I could feel myself being chewed up alive in its enormous teeth.”

Viago gave him a sympathetic look.

You shot him a look somewhere between dumbfound, disgust, and disbelief.

“Uh…” You had no idea what to say to that.

“Your nightmare couldn’t have been that bad, Y/N.”

No, probably not. So at least there was that.

“Is Vlad awake?” Deacon asked. “He made me promise to move a body with him this evening.”

The woman from last night. The one he’d hypnotized. He’d slept in the same room as a corpse? How horrifyingly macabre. You thought back to the dirty cereal bowl on your bedside table and wondered if that was comparable.

“No, he hasn’t been down here yet,” Viago answered.

“I met her last night. The body.” You winced a bit. “The woman,” you corrected. “She ran down here and Vladislav hypnotized her in front of me. Can humans get hypnotized by proxy?”

“By proxy?”

“Yeah. If someone gets hypnotized in front of me, could I also get hypnotized? Even if I’m not the one being hypnotized…? Or spoken to? Or whatever?”

They were both looking at you, seemingly puzzled.

“Did you get hypnotized last night?” Viago asked.

“No!” Your face heated, both from answering too quickly and strongly, and from the memory of last night. You tried again, more calmly, hoping they hadn’t noticed. “No. Just hypothetically. If a vampire is hypnotizing someone, could a nearby human also get hypnotized?”

Deacon, either not hearing or choosing to ignore your explanation of this being hypothetical, asked, “What did he hypnotize her about? Did you end up doing the same thing?”

“Nothing! He didn’t- It’s just an example. I was just curious.”

Deacon gave you a suspicious glance.

“Well, vampires can hypnotize multiple people at once, but it’s extremely difficult,” Viago explained. “Vladislav is known for his hypnotizing abilities, and can hypnotize entire crowds on his better days. But it takes effort; you can’t accidentally hypnotize anyone.”

You nodded. That was good. Not that it mattered. You weren’t hypnotized. You couldn’t have been, because you didn’t- Well, because you just weren’t hypnotized.

“Besides, if you are hypnotized, you usually don’t remember it happening.” Viago told you this in a tone that was probably meant to be comforting, leading you to assume that he also didn’t believe you were dealing in hypotheticals.

You knew you weren’t hypnotized; you should have just kept your mouth shut.

Thankfully changing the subject, Viago asked, “What are your plans tonight, Y/N?”

“I have no plans. I’m just going to order food because I’m lazy and tired, and then go to bed early. Why?”

“I’m trying to plan an evening. Nick says he knows a good drinking game, and we have some alcoholic blood in the refrigerator.”

Deacon perked up, officially moving on from your previous line of inquiry. “Yes!”

It was a bit jarring to see Viago, looking and dressing the same now as he did in the hundreds of years old portrait behind him, discuss throwing a small party of drinking games and getting pissed. It was astounding how they managed to incorporate aspects of so many different time periods into their personalities at once. You decided, though, that that was not the most interesting thing to take from Viago’s statement.

Instead you asked, “Alcoholic blood?”

“Ja,” Viago affirmed. “When humans drink, the alcohol enters their blood. If they’re very drunk, their blood can can get vampires drunk.”

“Huh.” Interesting. Logically, that made sense, you’d just never thought of it before. A lot of things about vampires made sense, if you’d only think of them before they were brought up.

“It works with things besides alcohol, too,” Deacon said. “Anything that can get into the blood. Like drugs. A few years ago, when psychedelics were big…” He trailed off, making a blissful facial expression.

“Were psychedelics big a few years ago?”

Deacon nodded. “Oh yes.” His face grew more pensive before he added, “I think it was a few years ago. It could have been more.”

“Are you talking about the ‘60s?”

His face lit up. “Yes!”

“So, more than a few years ago, then.”

He shrugged.

“Well, either way, I’m not up for getting drunk tonight, but I’m very up for seeing you all get drunk at some point, so keep me posted.”

“I’ll find a night when everyone is free,” Viago said.

“I’m pretty sure I’ve heard the expression ‘three’s a crowd.’”

Three heads turned up towards the top of the staircase, to where Vladislav now stood.

“You know there are other places to sit in the lounge, right?”

You gave him a sour look. “We’ll, I’m comfortable.”

He smirked down at you. “You might be the only one.”

“Just how heavy do you think I am?” you asked, feigning offense.

“Actually, I am feeling a bit cramped,” Deacon admitted.

You sighed, swinging your legs off the couch and sitting upright, letting Deacon migrate from the couch to an armchair.

“Hey, Vlad,” Deacon called as he settled in his new seat, “Did I hear you with a human down here last night?”

You froze. What did he think he was doing?

“Yeah,” Vladislav answered. “Her hypnosis lapsed. She realized what was happening and tried to get out. I met her down here and brought her back up before she left.”

“I hate when they do that,” Viago muttered.

Ignoring him, Deacon pressed on, “What did you do? Hypnotize her again?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you tell her?”

If looks could kill, Deacon would be dead twice over. If he saw your heated glare, he ignored it.

Vladislav shrugged. You had hoped he would find Deacon’s question too invasive or too strange. It didn’t seem as though he did, however, as he answered, “I told her she wanted me and wanted to come back up to my room. Just normal stuff.”

“Oh, right,” Deacon replied.

To his credit, he didn’t turn to you, or give you a strange look. Unfortunately, you caught a side eyed glance from Viago.

You thought about getting Deacon alone and throwing your necklace at him, or singing a hymn, or-

“Am I the last one up?” Vladislav asked, effectively moving the conversation past Deacon’s prying.

“No,” Viago answered. “Petyr hasn’t come up here yet.”

“Someone had better wake him up,” Deacon said. “If he sleeps too late, he’ll be up all day, just standing in his tomb. And I’m not doing it,” he added quickly, before anyone could ask him to.

“I’m not doing it either. I do it all the time, and he’s nasty when he wakes up.”

“Well, I’m not doing it,” Vladislav said, leaning forward onto the banister. “Besides, Deacon and I have something to take care of.” Disposing of the body.

Three heads turned to look at you.

“What, me?” you asked, surprised.

“Why not you?”

Because he’s apparently ‘nasty’ when he wakes up? You didn’t voice that concern. Instead, you rose from the couch, and headed downstairs to wake up your fourth flatmate. It was better than helping someone transport a corpse, you supposed, and certainly better than remaining up here in uncomfortable silence with Viago.

You sighed. At least you could go to sleep in a few hours.

#wwdits #what we do in the shadows #vladislav #vladislav x reader #another life #al fic

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septic84 · 5 years

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Uncustomary Alpha

Dan came from a very small town in the north where there were more Alphas than Omegas. The Omegas that were not already bonded had been claimed. He wasn't finding his mate here and that's why his parents had encouraged him to start classes in a new town. Encouraged was more polite than what had happened, insisted was a better word, perhaps even demanded.

AO3

Dan was terrified, he didn't want to leave the only home he knew and certainly not to study law, which was also his parent's decision. If Dan was allowed a say in his future, he would choose to draw. He had had a passion for it since he was young, but his parents said that an Alpha needed a more prestigious career. Drawing wasn’t something that could sustain his Omega and future family. Every ounce of his being did not want to go to uni for law, but that is what he was doing. He was sure it wouldn’t end well; he wouldn’t be able to keep up and he wouldn’t have the passion for justice that was needed to obtain a law degree. Despite those thoughts, Dan found himself with a stack of boxes, trying to unpack in a pale-yellow walled room. Dan had 9 other flatmates, 5 Alphas, 3 Betas, and one bonded Omega. Though he had just gotten there he still hadn't met any of them, however, he hadn't actively tried, either. Dan was not too savvy in social situations, especially when he didn't know anyone. After his boxes were unpacked, he decided to explore a bit. He did so by sneaking out of his room to avoid seeing his flatmates, the last thing he felt he had the energy for was meaningless small talk. He knew he should probably feel guilty about this. He didn't. Zipping up his coat he continued down the stairs and out the door. He would meet them later.

“Okay, settle down.” the Professor said, clapping his hands together in short, sharp bursts. If this was how they were going to start every lecture, Dan knew he would quickly come to hate this class. When his alarm went off this morning, he thought about the appeal of death, rather than going to class. He knew he would end up making an idiot out of himself regardless if he knew the material or not. Swinging his legs off the bed, he cringed. Dan had no desire to start uni at all, let alone this early in the morning. As if that wasn't bad enough, it was also raining, “Of fucking course.” he had thought as he hurried to the building. He looked around the class and noticed that his fellow students were nothing like him. They seemed confident, excited and if he was being honest, pretentious. This was Law, after all. “Welcome to introduction to Law, I am Professor Dixon. If you will look to my left, you will see my assistant, this is Mr. Lester.” Dan swept his eyes up to look, when he did, he felt an immediate fascination towards the black-haired man the professor was referring too. Dan shifted uncomfortably, turning his head quickly when Mr. Lester started making eye contact with the other students. Dan felt himself flush; there was no denying how attractive the assistant was, but no one had ever made Dan feel like this. As the lecture continued Dan kept his head down, refusing to meet the gaze of the man that intrigued him so. This was the way he would be attending classes anyhow, but now he had added incentive.

“It's Dan, right?” Dan met one of his flatmates as he entered halls at the end of his day. “Ah, yeah,” He blushed, “Kate.” She shoved out her hand towards Dan as he awkwardly took it. “Bonded Omega.” she finished. “Nice to meet you.” “Same. We are having a party tonight. You should come out of your room and join, meet everyone.” “Ah, we will see. Lots of course work, you know.” It wasn't the entire truth, but it wasn't a lie, either. “Already?” She asked incredulously. “What are you studying?” “Law.” “Oh, aggressive. Well, still. You should join us.” She said as she went to the room directly across from his. “It may do you some good to make friends.” She winked at him as she closed herself into her room. She was bold, Dan slightly envied that. Once in his room, Dan let his mind wander. He was still in shock by the feelings that Mr. Lester had stirred in him. Somewhere in the back of his mind logic was trying to rationally explain it to him, but he wasn't at a place to understand. Sighing, he decided to take a nap instead of looking at his law books. He doubted he was going to graduate anyway. Loud pounding awoke him, someone was knocking. “I know you're in there, mate.” A male voice came through the door. “Get out here!” Stumbling out of bed he opened the door, rubbing his eyes. “Hello?” “You were sleeping? Bloody hell. Get out here!” He suddenly was being pulled out of his room. He was too stunned to protest; he followed the large man into the shared living area. This man was a typical Alpha. “There he is!” Kate exclaimed, clapping. “You were sleeping?” “Ah,” I blushed. “Yeah, I guess.” “Dan, we only live once,” The Alpha chastised, shoving his hand into Dan's, gripping it arm-wrestling style. “Name's Dirk.” Dan fumbled to attempt to mirror the Alphas greeting, but he struggled. This all seemed pointless. “Ah, Hi.” “So, Omega?” “Dirk!” A small boy with thick-rimmed glasses hissed. “You're being rude!” “What? No, I'm not.” “You are.” Kate rolled her eyes. The thick-rimmed boy was pulling Dirk away from the group, harsh whispers could be heard but not understood as they moved further away. “Sorry,” Kate said, taking a large gulp out of her glass. “Beer?” Dan shook his head; he had never grown accustomed to the taste of beer. “I have Malibu?” “Yeah, sure.” She smirked, “Not a typical Alpha, hm?” He shrugged not even bothering to ask how she knew. “Is liking beer a prerequisite to being an Alpha?” “No, I don't reckon so.” She shoved a cup into his hand. “Let's go meet the others, yeah?” Dan followed her reluctantly as she introduced all the flatmates. Thick rimmed glasses boy, Andy, was one of the Beta's, which made sense. They typically were peacemakers. Other than Andy, Kate and of course Dirk, he had already forgotten the rest of their names. He politely nodded and smiled, making idle small chat, hating it as much as he had anticipated

An hour later Dan found himself in the middle of an intense Mario Cart race. “Fucken hell,” Andy said to him. “You're good at this. Does your mate play with you?” “Ah,” He said. “Haven't found my mate yet.” “Really?” “Yeah, small town, limited Omegas.” He shrugged. “You're an Alpha?” Dirk asked loudly in disbelief. He was very pissed, more pissed than anyone else. “For Christ sake, Dirk,” Andy said shaking his head, turning to Dan. “I'm sorry, he's an idiot.” “It's not like he's the first person surprised by my status. It's fine.” “Still an idiot” Kate sassed, smirking. “Your Alpha didn't train the sass out of you I see!” Dirk attempted as a joke, but Kate wasn't having any of that. Dan swallowed nervously. Shit. “What the fuck did you just say to me?” “Aw, lighten up, yeah? I was kidding.” “Is he fucking mental?” She asked no one in particular. “That's fucking sexist and you know it,” The other flatmates had quietly made their exits to their rooms earlier, almost as if they were foreshadowing what was coming. Dan, unfortunately, had not. He was left stark still sitting between Andy and Kate watching the drama unfold. “Come on, Katie, I was just playin'” Kate was seething. “My name is Kate, Dirk. It is not nor has it ever been "Katie." You owe me an apology.” Dirk look directly at Dan and Dan felt the panic rising in him. “No, no, no. Please don't drag me into this.” he thought. “Dan, you get it right? It was just a joke.” Fuck. Dan took a deep breath. “I'm sure it was a joke,” Dan begun, dodging the hate-filled looks Kate was sending his way. “However, it wasn't very tasteful was it?” “Fuck sake you don't get it. Are you sure you're an Alpha?” “It wouldn't matter would it?” Dan's voice was now angry, something that he had not intended, nor expected. “It was rude.” “Thank you,” Kate said. Holding up his hands he said, “I am not taking sides. I just don't agree with sexism or microaggressions that are passed off as jokes.” Dan stood up. “I think it's time to sleep, but yes, Dirk. You owe Kate an apology.” “You're lucky my Alpha isn't here,” Kate said quietly. “Fine. I'm sorry, Kate.” Dirk glared at Dan, “Thanks for having my back, "Alpha.” He spat. Dan ignored him and on wobbly legs, he stumbled to his room. Once the door was firmly shut and locked, he collapsed on his bed and started to silently sob. He had defended a distressed Omega, it was the most “Alpha” thing he had ever done in his life. He didn't think he regretted it, though he was uncomfortable that it had happened. It was his first interaction with his flatmates and he already had been involved in an altercation. Had he made an enemy? His brain was clouded by the Malibu, but though he had said otherwise, he knew he had inadvertently chosen a side. The lingering anxiety faded as he drifted off to sleep.

The rest of the week had passed without incident, Dan was in stealth mode, avoiding everyone. It was Friday, he had successfully avoided meeting Mr. Lester's gaze thus far, but that was about to change. Everyone was assigned a section to read out loud to the class, Dan was not paying attention and did not realize it was his turn. “Mr. Howell?” The sound of this voice took Dan by surprise and he looked up automatically. As he met deep blue eyes he suddenly was under a spell. “Ah,” he coughed out. Mr. Lester's voice faltered, “So it's not just me.” Dan thought. “It's your turn to read,” Mr. Lester swallowed hard. “Are you okay, Phil?” Professor Dixon asked. “What? Yes, just not feeling well at the moment. Go ahead, Mr. Howell.” He turned to Professor Dixon and more quietly said. “Excuse me,” “Of course, Phil." He looked back at Dan. "Mr. Howell?” Dan took a deep breath and started to read, his heart was racing and he fumbled over his words. Everyone was staring at him; he could feel it. When he was finally done, he let out a shaky breath and tried to sink as far down as he could in his chair. “What the hell was that?” a hushed voice behind him said. Dan didn't know. Mr. Lester didn't return for the rest of the class.

By the end of the day, Dan was confused and wanted nothing more than to hide in his room until he had to go back to class on Monday. As he hurried down the corridor to the exit, something caused him to pause at a room. He looked in, to see Mr. Lester in a chair in the corner, his head in his hands. Dan was in the room before he could control himself. “Mr. Lester?” His head jerked up, his eyes were unreadable but wild. “Dan?" He asked confused. He then sat up, cleared his throat and said. "Mr. Howell, why are you here?” “Ah,” Dan set his backpack down approaching him, “I honestly don't know.” Mr. Lester inhaled sharply. “I was afraid of that. You should leave.” “Ah, right.” Feeling foolish, Dan grabbed his backpack and turned to leave, but paused at the door. “I don't know if I can.” “God damn it.” Mr. Lester huffed. “Mr. Lester,” Dan set his backpack down again, moving back towards him, “I think,” “I know,” he interrupted. “And it's Phil.” “Phil,” Dan said testing out the feel of his name. He liked it. A slight smile crossed his lips. “So you're an Alpha, are you?” Dan nodded, “I take it you're an Omega?” “Of course, I am,” Phil said shaking his head, seemingly frustrated. “Dan, how are you not bonded?” “I am from a small town, limited Omegas. Excuse me, for being unbonded. You're older than I am, how are you not bonded?” “I thought I was safe. Teaching was safe, I am just the assistant. I thought that the chances of an unbonded Alpha in the one class I was shadowing was slim. Even if there were some, I didn't think, I was sure I wouldn't,” Phil trailed off. Dan looked at his shoes, he didn't know what to do. Was Phil his mate? Is that what was happening? Dan's breathing increased. “You are not a typical Alpha,” Phil remarked. “Oh really?” Dan snapped sarcastically. “Says you and everyone else.” Phil's voice was apologetic. “Dan, I didn't mean,” “No, no one does.” Suddenly Dan was very angry and the spell had been broken. He didn't understand why Phil saying that had caused him to become so upset. He had never been this offended by those types of statements he had heard countless times. Dan grabbed his bag and all but ran out of the room. “Fuck this,” he said to himself. Once out the door, Dan did run. He ran all the way back to halls and up the front steps. Much to his annoyance, he met Kate as he was about to enter his room. “Dan, holy shit mate. Are you okay?” “No!” he snapped, slamming his door in her face. “Good talk,” Dan heard through the door, but he was ignoring it. He didn't care right now. He had no idea what had just happened and he was starting to feel as physically unwell as he did emotionally. Judging by how Mr. Lester was acting; he was not too enthused that Dan was his probable mate. “Of course, he’s not.” Dan said to himself, “Any self-respecting Omega wants a capable, protective Alpha, which I am not.” Maybe they had it all wrong, anyway. Maybe it was just because they were both unbonded that the pull was so strong. Dan doubted it but wasn’t willing to rule it out just yet. Starting to get a headache, he decided to take a shower to clear his head. “He’s in a bad mood already, Dirk. Don’t fuck with him.” Dan heard as he was exiting the bathroom. “I wasn’t going to, I just wanted to talk to him.” “No,’ It was Andy’s voice “You seem pissed.” “Since when are you my mate, Andy?” Dan could almost hear Andy blush as Kate stepped in to help him. “Dirk, leave him alone okay?” “Yeah, yeah. Honestly, though, I think we should talk to Dan if he’s that upset.” “Just let him be,” Andy begged. “Yes, just let him be,” Dan yelled down the hall before closing and locking his door. He didn’t want to deal with Dirk. After their last encounter, Dan already knew he wasn’t prepared to deal with the awkwardness that surely would be part of their conversation.

Sunlight started to stream into a crack in the curtain, alerting Dan that it was morning. He still was feeling off, but slightly better than before. After a quick trip to the bathroom, he found himself in the Kitchen for breakfast. It was quiet in the flat, but when he pulled his head out of the refrigerator, he noticed Andy at the opposite side counter and jumped. “Hey, sorry. Didn’t mean to startle you.” “It’s alright, I scare easy.” He finished making his cereal. “Thanks, by the way.” “For what?” “Keeping Dirk off my back last night.” “Oh, yeah, that. It’s no big deal.” “It is for me.” Dan smiled. “You know, I’m a good listener. I mean if you want.” Dan smiled genuinely at him, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. Any big plans today?” He shook his head, “I need to go to Tesco at some point, maybe some course work, otherwise, no. You?” “Should go to Tesco myself. Want to split a car and go together?” “Yeah, that sounds good. I hate going out alone.” “Oh?” “Yeah, not so much into the people, is the thing.” “I can relate to that.” Dan chuckled, spooning more of his Crunchy Nut into his mouth. Andy and Dan went to Tesco shortly after. It was reassuring to Dan to have someone else with him, he had no idea how to take care of himself. Halfway through their trip, Dan noticed he was starting to feel strange again. Andy noticed too. “You okay?” “I’m not sure, honestly.” As if on cue, Mr. Lester appeared at the end of the aisle they were currently in. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.” “I take it, someone, you know?” “You could say that.” Mr. Lester looked up and met Dan’s eyes briefly before Dan looked down again. “Is he coming over here?” Dan said out of the corner of his mouth, quietly. “Sorry, yeah, I think so.” Dan clenched and unclenched his fists, took a deep breath and looked up. “Hi!” Andy said. “I’m Andy.” “Phil,” Mr. Lester said through clenched teeth, the air was tense. “Hello, Daniel.” “Mr. Lester,” Dan responded still avoiding his gaze. Andy seemed confused but stayed quiet. “Phil,” he corrected. “Right, Phil,” Dan responded. “What are you up to?” “Nothing much, you?” He was as uncomfortable as Dan was. “Shopping with Andy.” Phil smiled tight-lipped, "well, have a good weekend, I’ll see you Monday.” Phil hesitated, nodded and walked away. Dan blew out the breath that he was holding. “Well, that was possibly the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever been a part of,” Andy said. “Same.” “Who was that anyway?” “That,” Dan said adding a box to the trolley, “Is my professor's assistant, Mr. Lester.” “Phil,” Andy corrected mockingly. “Oh, sod off,” Dan said smirking. “Seems like more than that.” “Perhaps,” Dan did not elaborate and Andy did not pry. When they had returned, Andy thanked Dan for going with him and disappeared into his room, Dan had done the same. He made a halfhearted effort to look at his law books, but slowly gave up and ended up scrolling mindlessly through Tumblr as hours melted away. It was nearing dinner time when Dan heard a commotion in the Kitchen. He had no intention of leaving until the room was empty, but after about an hour his stomach growled. “He lives!” Kate greeted him. “I do,” Dan responded, grabbing an apple from his place in the refrigerator. “How’s it going?” She held up a cup, shaking it slightly. “Bottoms up, friendo.” Dan's smile quickly dissolved when Dirk entered the room. “Dan-o!” He clapped his shoulder. “Where you been?” “Hey, Dirk,” Dan said, nervously. “Easy, mate. Alls well that ends well, yeah?” “If you say so.” “I do, now what are you drinking?” “Do I have to be drinking anything?” “Of course, It’s Saturday. I have a few mates and my cousin headed here, soon. Proper house party yeah?” “I don’t know,” I said cautiously eyeing Kate. “Oi, don’t look at me. Dirk and I have been good for ages. He knows he was a twat and he’s very sorry. Isn’t that right, Dirk?” “Yeah, Yeah.” Dan finished his apple, shrugging. “I wouldn’t be opposed to beating you and your friends at Mario Cart.” “Oi, watch it.” That is how an hour later, Dan ended up drinking more of Kate’s Malibu, playing Mario Cart with Kate, Andy, Dirk, and his friends. They had been playing for about an hour when another knock came to their door. “I’ll get it,” Kate said getting up. Dan started to feel off again, assuming it was too much Malibu, he set down his glass. “Phil!!” He heard Dirk yell. “It can’t be,” Dan thought, but when he turned to look it was indeed Mr. Lester. “Shit,” He said quietly. “Oh, this will be good,” Andy said, smirking. “Phil, this is Kate, that’s Andy, and that asshole that’s always winning is,” “Dan.” Phil finished. “I didn’t realize you knew each other?" Dirk asked, cautiously. “Yeah, we do.” Phil looked at Dan. “Hello again.” “Hi.” Dan smiled and excused himself to the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror. Why was he constantly running into Mr. Lester? This was getting absurd. After splashing water on his face, he left, heading directly to the Kitchen. If he was going to be around Mr. Lester, (“No, Phil.” he corrected himself,) he did not want to be sober. “You still want to play, Dan?” Andy called from the sofa. “Nah, you go ahead.” Dan stood at the counter watching everyone get involved in the game. Phil was sat off to the side and appeared as out of place as Dan felt. Dan watched him out of the corner of his eye. “You should talk to him,” Kate said causing him to jump. “Jesus tap-dancing Christ, Kate. Don’t do that!” She giggled. “Sorry. Seriously, he’s been staring at you too.” “It’s complicated,” “Yeah, usually is.” Kate was telling a lengthy story about something that Dan had gotten involved in, causing him to stop paying attention to what was happening in the other room. Voices from the lounge started to become escalated, so he turned his attention to the sound and he saw one of Dirk’s friends, in Phil’s face, yelling. “You fucking cheated, Lester!” “Oi, Greg, calm down mate,” Dirk said laughing. Dan didn’t find it funny. At all. His fists balled. “No, fuck you. This little shit's cheating.” Greg then forcefully shoved Phil. A glass shattered on the linoleum and Dan had Greg pinned on his back to the ground faster than anyone could prevent. “Don’t you fucking touch him, cunt,” Dan growled. “Whoa, Dan, get off ‘im mate!” Dirk said, tugging on his shoulder slightly. Dan’s head spun to Dirk, He lifted one hand off of Greg to push Dirk back. Dirk ended up on his ass behind Greg. “Jesus, Dan. What the fuck?” “Did you hear me, Greg?” Dan demanded. “You don’t touch him, you understand me?” “Yeah, yeah. I get it, sorry. Get the fuck off of me.” With a final shove downward, Dan got up, still standing near him. He was still a perceived threat. “Dan,” A soft voice in the corner said. “It’s okay.” It was from Phil. Dan’s eyes darted from Greg to Phil wildly. “What the fuck is going on, Phil?” Dirk asked, but Phil waved him off. Dan still was shooting daggers at Greg with his eyes, he was still breathing erratically and his fists were still balled. “Please, Dan.” Phil walked towards him. “It’s okay. Relax.” “No,” he growled. “He shoved you. He shouldn’t be fucking touching you.” “I’m okay, it was just messing around. Look at me.” As Dan did as he was asked, he suddenly was aware of what was going on. When he looked around, he noticed everyone was staring at him; they were confused or angry. Mortified, he slowly unclenched his fists. “What?” He looked down to the ground. “I,” He lost his voice, turned and walked to his room, shutting himself in. “What the hell was that?” Dirk asked, annoyed. “That dude is crazy,” Greg said, rubbing his shoulder. “No, he’s not,” Phil said, as he sighed. “Says you, he had Greg pinned on the floor. Looked like he was going to tear his throat out. It was almost as if he,” “Was protecting his Omega?” Phil asked meekly. “Yeah. Exactly!” Dirk paused, “Wait. Are you his Omega?” “I wasn’t entirely sure, not until now.” Phil shook his head. “How the hell did that happen?” “He’s in the Law class I am assistant teaching in.” “Oh.” “Yeah.” “Well, shit Phil. A little heads up would have been nice.” “How was I supposed to know he was your flatmate, Dirk?” “I meant after.” “We haven’t really talked. Or seen each other. I had no idea he would,” Phil paused and flushed. “be so protective.” “You should talk to him, you know.” Kate chimed in from the Kitchen. “Dan’s pretty shy, I am sure he’s embarrassed.” Phil turned towards her, “I doubt he wants to see me.” She scoffed. “That’s bullshit, Omega.” He sighed. “I suppose you’re right. He probably doesn’t realize that it would help him to see me now.” "That's probably true," Dirk said. “He’s probably damn near rabid at this point. He needs to see you, whether he wants to or not.” Kate shrugged, “If it were my Alpha, I wouldn’t want him alone right now.” “She’s right, you know,” Greg said, surprising everyone. “The only thing that’ll calm him down is you.” Dan paced in his room, anger, embarrassment and another emotion he couldn’t identify swirling throughout him. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, but he wasn’t stupid. Ruefully he scoffed with the realization his parents were right. Phil was his mate. How was that possible? How much older was Phil than Dan? He knew age didn’t matter, still, he was uncomfortable. Was an Omega supposed to be older than their Alpha? He knew he should be with his Omega, Phil was still in danger, Greg was still there. “Fuck!” He screamed, punching the wall, recoiling at the pain the bloomed in his hand. An urgent knock at his door flicked his head towards the unexpected noise. “Dan? It’s Phil. Please let me in.” “No,” Dan growled. “Go away.” “Dan, you have to know you need to let me in.” “Why? This is stupid.” “It’s biology, Dan. If you let me in you are going to become calm.” Dan rolled his eyes but found himself opening the door, pulling Phil inside, then shutting and locking it. “Are you okay?” Dan did not release Phil; he was spinning him looking over his body for any signs of injury. “Dan, I’m not injured.” Dan’s hand was still gripped loosely on Phil’s forearm, he blew out a breath. “Good, Good.” “Should we sit?” Phil asked motioning to the bed. “Ah, sure.” Dan led him to his bed, they sat quietly for a few moments. Dan had relaxed now, emotions returning to a reasonable level and his breathing evening out. “You know what happened, right?” Phil asked, softly. “Yeah,” Dan was looking at his shoes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.” “I know you didn’t. It’s okay.” “I have no idea what I am doing.” Phil clasped his hand. “You do, just not in that moment." “You’re older than me.” “Yeah, yeah I am.” “You’re more assertive than I am.” “That’s probably true too.” “I can’t be a good Alpha for you. Despite what you saw earlier, I am not “manly,” Mr. Lester. I was born wrong. You’ll see.” “Call me Phil.” He gently grabbed a hold of Dan’s chin and pulled his face upward, “Look at me, Daniel.” Dan met Phil’s gaze, this time really looking into his eyes. Emotion bloomed so strong that tears slipped down his face. “You’re so beautiful,” He murmured. “So are you. You were not born wrong, Dan.” Dan broke the gaze, looking down. “You don’t even know me, not even a little.” He took a shaky breath in, “You’ll see.” he repeated, his voice cracking with emotion. Phil pulled Dan’s head back up so their eyes met again, his now sparkling with tears. “Do you have any idea how long I have waited for you, Alpha?” Dan’s heart flipped when he heard his Omega call him Alpha. “Omega,” Dan sobbed out as Phil pulled him into a hug. Phil held him close, letting the tears subside. “We are going to be just fine, Dan.” He pulled back and looked into Dan’s eyes. “I promise.” Dan smiled weakly and yawned. “I think you should get some rest; you’ve been drinking and are tired. It’s been a long day.” “Mm,” Dan agreed. It didn’t take long before Dan was asleep so Phil gently laid him down. This room was so hot, Phil didn’t know how Dan could sleep. Wiping the sweat from his brow with his arm, Phil quietly exited the room. “Some love story, yeah?” Dirk asked grinning. “That should shut nan up properly huh?” Phil smirked, “Shut up, Dirk.” He grabbed his coat and keys. “Thanks for inviting me over.” “I’m sure I’ll be seeing a lot more of you, like it or not.” Phil shook his head, as he left. Dirk wasn’t wrong. He had driven home the long way with the windows fully down. He wanted to cool off before he went home, he was so hot. He wondered if Dan was typically cold and that is why he kept his room so sweltering. The driving didn't work, deciding on a cool shower before bed, he drove to his flat. He had just parked his car when his phone was ringing, “Dirk? Didn’t I just leave?” “Phil, you need to come back.” “What, why?” “Dan,” “What about him?” “You triggered his rut, it’s bad.” “Now? So soon?” Suddenly Phil seemed to understand why he was so hot. "Shit." “Fuck Phil, just get here yeah?” “Yeah, okay, I’ll come to get him.” "Phil, there will be no “getting him" anywhere. He’s really bad, Kate was scared of him. This is a mating rut, Phil, not normal rut. We're all out of here; I’ve sent everyone away.” “Oh god, thank you.” "S'only cuz he's your mate, Phil. I don't even like the guy that much." "Better learn too," Phil said, sharply. "I’ll wait until you get here, but you need to get here. Now, Phil” “Shit.” Phil hung up and turned around, heading back to halls. When he arrived, Phil sprinted in the door, up the stairs and to the Kitchen where he met Dirk. “Okay, I’m leaving now. Please call me when it’s over so I can tell the others. I’m not shitting you, Phil. Be careful. He is pure Alpha right now. Didn’t know the kid had it in him.” “Bye, Dirk,” Phil said, annoyed. He winked. “Have fun, cuz.” Phil took a deep breath, now feeling his slick start dampening his pants, and sweat dripping off the sides of his face. "Of course,” He thought. They had triggered each other’s mating cycles. Phil was in heat. Taking a deep breath, he made his way to Dan. He opened the door, what he saw made his hair stand on end. Dan was coiled in the corner, panting and sweating. Dirk was right, he was full Alpha now. “Dan?” Dan’s head whipped towards Phil, “Omega.” he growled, rushing towards him. Suddenly Phil was pushed up against the wall. Dan was scenting him, trailing his face up and down each side of Phil’s neck. Phil whined loudly, feeling more slick leaking from him. Dan’s hands started to run down Phil’s sides, roughly, but not enough to hurt. “Bed,” Dan grunted, pushing Phil closer. Once to the edge, Dan grabbed Phil’s shirt, pulling it over his head. His mouth covered the places where the shirt touched as he worked on Phil’s pants, only separating to pull them off followed by his shoes. “Oh my god, Omega, you are so beautiful.” Dan’s clothes quickly followed, mingling with Phil’s on the floor. A rough shove found Phil on his back, Dan looming over him. He started kissing his way down to Phil’s leaking cock. Dan sucked it in his mouth, a loud growl trapped in his throat. As he pulled off, he slid his tongue down over Phil’s testicles to his slick hole, licking around the entrance. Phil’s moans had become louder, he was grasping at Dan’s hair. “Wait, Alpha. Maybe we should,” Dan cut him off, thrusting two fingers deep into Phil. “Oh God, Dan, wait.” Dan did not hear him, he couldn’t. He leaned up and crushed his mouth against Phil’s. This was their first kiss; Dan’s fingers deep in Phil, aggressively demanding his mouth. Dan added two more fingers working them in and out, quickly. Dan knew he wouldn’t be able to wait much longer. Still kissing Phil roughly, Dan lined himself up and thrust into his Omega. “Oh, fuck,” Dan groaned into Phil’s mouth. “Good Omega, so good.” Phil squirmed beneath Dan, thrusting his hips instinctually to meet his Alpha. “Dan, please,” Dan looked down at his Omega, he was perfect, beautiful, his. “You are mine, Omega, I am going to knot you, I am going to bond with you.” “Dan,” Phil said reluctantly, but Dan was too controlled by instinct to hear the trepidation in Phil’s voice. A rhythmic pattern had now started, as they both rocked with each other in tandem. “You are mine. Only mine.” Dan panted out, “Yes, yours,” Phil reached up and ran his hand over Dan’s chest, up to his neck, tugging softly on one of his ears. “Oh god, Omega.” Dan bent down, licking the area on Phil’s neck where the bite bond belonged. Dan smiled to himself, hearing Phil’s sharp gasp followed by a high-pitched moan. “Mm, you like that, do you? You want to be all mine, don’t you?” “Alpha,” Phil moaned out, losing control himself. “Omega, I am going to knot you,” Dan’s thrust became more violent and suddenly he stilled, moaning loudly. When the swell of his knot started, he kissed Phil’s neck before sinking his teeth deep into the tender flesh. “Alpha!” Phil screamed out, a mix of pleasure and pain as he came harder than he ever had, covering both of their chests. Phil could feel Dan still spilling inside of him, pulse after pulse. Dan had released Phil’s neck from the bite, now gently licking the punctured skin. “Omega, my Omega.” Dan murmured into Phil’s neck. “My Alpha,” Phil whispered, exhausted. “Rest, now, Omega. I will take care of you.” “Mm,” Phil said softly. Dan shifted and pulled them both to their sides. His arms were holding Phil closely, his knot still popped deep inside of his Omega. “Sleep,” he commanded. And Phil did. Phil was awoken by his Alpha nuzzling him, holding him tightly against his chest. Dan’s knot had gone down and he had slipped out of Phil. They were laying together, messy, but neither of them seemed to care. “Hey,” Dan whispered into Phil’s ear. “Hey,” Phil said, softly. “Are you okay?” “I think so,” Dan inhaled deeply. “I had no idea what this was like,” “No? Never had sex in rut?” Dan didn’t respond. “Dan?” He picked his head up and looked at Phil. “That was my first time.” “In rut or?” “Ever,” Dan flushed bright red, then suddenly a scowl crossed his face. “Are you okay?” “I’m okay, Alpha. Don’t worry.” His face blanched, “I took advantage of you, didn’t I?” “I wouldn't say that,” “Oh god.” Dan pulled away from Phil, getting up off of the bed. “Phil,” “Dan, it’s okay.” “Is it? I should have asked you. We hadn’t even kissed yet for fuck sake.” “Dan, you were in rut. Correction, you were in mating rut. I came into your room. I knew what I was doing.” “You’re in heat?” “I am now,” Phil sat up “We are true mates, Dan. We triggered each other.” “The first Alpha thing I do to my Omega is to take advantage of Him. Holy shit, Dan.” He said, raking his hands through the mess of curls on his head. Phil got up walking over to Dan, pulling his hand away from his hair. “Dan,” he said softly. “You are my mate,” He stretched his neck to show Dan his bond mark. “We both lost control. I’m not upset.” “Right,” suddenly dizzy, Dan stumbled backward a little. Phil pulled him to his chest. “Let’s lay down again.” “You’re not scared to be around me?” “No. Lay down.” “Okay,” Dan hung his head following Phil. “See, I told you I was no good at being an Alpha.” “Shh, let’s rest.” Phil chastised. When Dan awoke hours later Phil was still asleep, looking down at him, smiling softly. Dan had found his Omega. He still was guilty about how they had bonded, but he would just have to trust Phil that he was okay. Anxiety started to pool in the pit of his stomach, once again thinking of all of the ways he was not going to be able to satisfy his Omega. Maybe he could learn? “Dan,” Phil said, his voice thick with sleep. “Are you okay?” “Yeah,” He lied. “Are you?” Phil shifted, wincing slightly as he stretched. “Yeah,” he kissed Dan’s cheek. “Your heart rate is alarming for just waking up.” “Thinking seems to do that to me.” “Well, stop thinking then.” Phil pulled Dan on top of him. “Hi,” Dan smiled, “Hi, Omega.” Dan swiped the hair out of his eyes. “We should go to mine so your flatmates can come back.” Panic crossed Dan’s face. “Dirk took care of it, Dan. Don’t worry. No one is upset.” “How could you possibly know that? I don’t even think Dirk likes me.” “Dirk’s an idiot, then.” Phil leaned up, giving Dan a quick peck on the lips. “This is so strange; we don’t even know each other and we’ve mated and bonded. Does that bother you?” “It’s less than ideal, I’ll admit that,” Phil kissed Dan’s nose. “but it is what’s happened. Just means we have to get to know each other now.” “You’re affectionate, is that the bonding and mating cycles, or is that just you?” Phil blushed, “I think that’s just me, I'm a cuddly person.” Dan laughed, softly. “Noted.” “I have an idea. We should get up, shower and head to mine. I’ll call Dirk so your flatmates can return sooner than later. We can spend the next few days together, getting to know each other. We’ll email uni so they know we are in the bonding period; we have this whole next week to get to know each other.” “We do?” Phil smirked, “Did you read any of the paperwork you signed, Daniel?” “Ah, some.” “Oh, my silly Alpha. You needed me more than you knew, didn’t you?” They had been at Phil’s flat for two days now. They were sat cross-legged on the floor eating Pizza. “What made you choose Law?” Phil asked. Dan blushed immediately, “I didn’t.” Phil looked at him confused. “What?” He set down his plate, “My parents. They wanted me to find my mate, they knew I wouldn’t back home so they sent me here. Law was what they wanted me to do, so that’s what I did.” “May I speak frankly?” “I suppose,” “You’re not very good at it, Dan.” Dan barked out a laugh. “Yeah, I know.” “What would you do instead?” “Draw,” Dan said with no hesitation. “That’s what you should be doing then.” “And I quote, “You can’t sustain your Omega and future family drawing.” so here we are.” “You haven’t turned in any course work, Dan.” Phil looked at him. “I mean, any of it.” He blushed again, “Part of assisting is looking at the course work, is it?” Phil nodded. "Did you start to teach just to avoid unbonded Alphas, or do you have a passion for law?” Phil’s eyes crinkled with a laugh, “No passion for law, no. That’s just where I was assigned. I love teaching. Teaching is a passion of mine. Assistant teaching is part of it.” “What are we going to do now?” Dan blurted, suddenly. “Well, we should pick up the rest of dinner and put it away, I reckon.” “Phil,” Dan whined, “You know what I mean.” “Do I?” “Yes, you do.” “Oh, I do, do I?” Phil started to crawl to Dan, pushing him softly on his back, straddling him. Dan was so stunned he just looked up at him. “I think,” Phil said, kissing Dan’s cheek, “We should go brush our teeth and go to bed.” Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Are you trying to use sex to distract me?” “I don’t know, is it working?” Phil pushed his hips down to meet Dan’s “I’m sure it could,” Dan said softly, rubbing Phil’s cheek. “How is this real, I mean, any of this? I feel so naïve, and here you are, calm. You seem like you have no worries at all. You are always reassuring me. I am supposed to do that. I am supposed to be sure,” “I thought you had realized by now, that I don’t care. Dan, I have 5 years on you, okay? You are so young; I know you don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t care, okay?” “That can’t be true, as an Omega you need an Alpha to take care of you!” “Daniel Howell, don’t be sexist.” “I’m not,” He insisted too loudly, more softly he said. “At least I don’t mean to be. I just know what I am supposed to be and I know I’m not. I don’t like it.” “Who says you need to be anything? I surely didn’t.” “It’s just the way it’s supposed to be, Phil.” “What have I ever asked of you, Dan?” “Ah, to read a paragraph?” Phil laughed out loud. “Yes, that’s true. I knew then, you know. I panicked too.” “You did?” “Duh! I knew I was drawn to you; you may not have been looking at me that week, but I was looking at you. I knew you were my Alpha, but I was scared. So, when the fireworks started when our eyes only met briefly, I panicked.” “So, is that why you were in that room?” “I guess, I also wanted you to leave first, so I could go home. My instincts were screaming at me to follow you. I didn’t want to be a stalker.” “Well, I ended up kind of stalking you, didn’t I?” “I suppose, the whole point of this Dan is that I have never asked you to be anything. I knew you were not a typical Alpha. I mean no offense when I say that. When I said it the first time, it was more of a cautious statement to see what you would do. Granted, I picked a bad time.” “I was so angry at your rejection.” “Of course, I was your Omega, but I wasn’t rejecting you. I don’t want you to be anything Dan, just you. I was drawn to you. If you are not the typical Alpha, that’s okay.” Dan blinked back tears. “You actually think I wasn’t born wrong, don’t you?” “You may have been born wrong for societal typical Alpha standards, perhaps, but none of that matters to me. I think you were born to be my Alpha. And I think you will be the perfect Alpha for me.” A month had passed and Dan and Phil were getting used to bonded life. Most of their time was spent at Phil’s flat because he lived alone and it gave them the privacy they needed as a newly bonded Alpha and Omega. Dan was slowly starting to let go of the ideas of what an “Alpha should be,” and starting to relax into domestic bliss. Lectures had been difficult, anytime an Alpha looked at Phil too long, Dan found himself standing up and walking to Mr. Lester's side. Professor Dixon allowed it; he knew they were newly bonded. His allowance only went so far, however, so one day when Dan started to growl and slightly lunged at the Professor, he was kicked out of the class for the day. Dan had stood at the door, staring in the small window for the rest of the class. When it ended, Dan had clasped Phil’s hand tightly, growling “Mine,” at anyone who dared to look their way. “Let’s go home, Alpha,” Phil said gently. He was very patient, knowing most of what Dan was doing wasn't a conscious act. “Why don’t you just move in with me?” Phil asked one night as they were watching a movie. “Ah,” Dan rubbed the back of his neck. Phil frowned, “What?” “It’s stupid.” “No, your feelings are never stupid.” “I haven’t told my parents.” “Oh,” Phil had told his entire family the day after they had bonded. He had assumed Dan had done the same. “May I ask why?” Phil said, clearly hurt. “They are very,” Dan sighed. “I don’t think they are going to be nice to you, Phil.” “Why?” “Because,” he said frustrated, “You are more Alpha than I am, okay?” Dan was angry now, “I know you don’t care, but not all people are like you Phil! Especially not them. If I tell them, they will be here. I won’t be able to stop them,” Dan paused, softening his voice. “Omega, they will make you hurt. I can deal with whatever abhorrent things they say to me, but I won’t allow them to do that to you.” “Dan, I can handle it. Really.” “Maybe you can, but I can’t. The thought of seeing pain cross your face breaks me, Phil.” “Alpha,” Phil grabbed his hand. “I’m sure you have figured it out, but I really can take care of myself.” “But that’s the problem, isn't it?” He stood up, removing his hand from Phil’s, “You shouldn’t have to. I can’t do much as an Alpha but I sure as hell can protect you from them.” “I have to meet them, eventually, Dan.” “Phil,” Dan looked at him, “I, I love you. I love you more than I realized was possible. I don’t want them to take that away.” Phil scrambled to his feet pulling Dan into an embrace, “I love you, too.” “You do?” “Of course, Alpha. How could I not?” He pulled away looking Dan in the eyes, “Just think about it, okay?” “Yeah, okay.” He kissed Phil briefly. “I’m sorry.” “No need. I want you to be honest with me, always.” Dan finally agreed a month later to tell his parents that he had bonded. He told them that he would bring Phil home to meet them just to prevent them from coming to their flat. He didn’t want to invite them in to their space, not yet. Dan moved fully into Phil’s flat a week later. “Phil, do you want to do something?” Dan asked one night. “I’m not feeling too well, I am just going to go to bed.” Dan frowned, “Okay, I’ll get changed.” “No,” Phil said, quickly. “I mean, I really don’t feel well. I’d like to sleep alone tonight.” Phil did not look at Dan. “Oh,” Dan said, wounded. “Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then I guess?” “Of course,” Phil walked to their shared room closed the door. Dan was really confused; his Omega hadn’t ever dismissed him. He wasn’t sure what he had done, his Omega didn’t even kiss him goodnight. Hurt and lonely he sulked to the guest bedroom, laying down for the restless night ahead of him. The next morning was tense and quiet as they made their way to uni. There had been no physical contact since the morning prior, Dan was hurt. As they got to the door, Dan said quietly. “Hope you feel better, Mr. Lester. Have a good day.” He walked to his seat, dejected. For the rest of the lecture, Dan kept his eyes down drawing in his notebook, just waiting for it to end. Dan didn’t wait for Phil today like he typically did. Phil seemed to need space, so instead, he went to the coffee shop and drank the liquid before him that was too sweet, hoping that Phil was willing to talk to him when he returned. “Where are you?” A text from Phil. “I’m at the coffee shop.” “Why?” “You need space, I am trying to respect that.” There was no response, but Dan didn’t think there would be. When he finished, he reluctantly took a car back to their shared flat. Phil’s door was shut, so Dan sat on their sofa and decided to look at his law books. He didn’t know what else to do, nothing else held any appeal to him. He didn’t want to be out of the flat, either. None of the things he was reading made sense, but that didn’t surprise him; he hadn’t ever looked at these books. He didn’t know how much time had passed when he heard Phil’s door open, he glanced up, Phil slipped into the bathroom. “You’re looking at your course work?” Phil asked, rudely when he returned. “You never have, why bother now?” Dan swallowed, trying to blink back the tears. “I, I don’t know what I did to you Phil, but you don’t need to be rude to me.” “Well, it’s true. It’s not like you are going to graduate with a law degree, Dan.” Tears were spilling down Dan’s cheek. “Oh, don’t act like you don’t know. You know as well as I do. You are an adult now Dan, it’s time to take some responsibilities. You know, as an Alpha would.” “Oh,” was all Dan could say as he got up, grabbed his jacket and walked to the door. “Where are you going now?” Phil demanded. “I don’t want to say things I regret that my Omega, who I love very much, will hear. When he gets back, text me, will you?” With that Dan slammed the door and left, as he walked away he heard Phil say, “Fuck!” through the door. Dan tried to leave; he really did. He had made it a block away, but the panic that filled him from being away from his Omega made him feel physically ill. He walked back to the flat and sat outside the door. He never thought their first fight would be this brutal. Phil had assured him time after time that he was okay with the fact that Dan wasn’t the typical Alpha, that seemed to have changed. He heard neighbors come through the entryway, he knew he looked foolish sitting outside the door, so he hesitantly unlocked the flat and went in. Everything was still and dark. Toeing off his shoes, he went to Phil’s door. Too unsure to knock, he slid down the wall and took his post sitting next to Phil’s bedroom door instead. He must have fallen asleep as he was suddenly woken up by Phil letting out a small scream. Dan jumped up, stumbling “Omega?” He asked, still half asleep. “Dan? What are you doing sitting outside my door? You scared the hell out of me.” “Sorry,” Dan said bashfully. “I needed to be close to you. This was the option I had.” Phil’s face morphed into shame. “Dan,” “I’ll go to the guest room. I’m sorry. I know you don’t want me around.” Dan passed him in the hall, sighing sadly. “Alpha, wait.” Dan stopped but didn’t turn around. “Thank you,” “Sure,” Dan continued into the guest bedroom. Phil didn’t want him anymore, that much was clear, but what were they going to do? They were bonded, Dan’s halls room was already reassigned to someone else and he wasn’t ready to deal with the pain that breaking a bond would cause. Laying on his back, staring at the ceiling he closed his eyes and slipped into a restless sleep. Dan woke up, panicking again, stiffly he got out of bed. He opened the door looking out to see Phil. He needed to touch him, hold him, kiss him and keep him safe. A whine escaped his lips. “Dan?” Phil was on the sofa, concerned. “Omega,” Dan said, tears in his voice. “Please,” he begged. When Phil met Dan’s eyes, he could see the distress and urgency. “I need to touch you. I’m sorry. I don’t understand, but I can’t deal with this anymore.” he fell to his knees. “Please, Phil.” He whispered. Phil rushed to Dan, pulling him into his arms. “Shh, Alpha. I’m here, I’m safe.” Dan ran his face up and down Phil’s neck, scenting him. “Phil, why?” Dan sobbed. “I don’t understand what I did.” “Dan, it’s okay. I’m so sorry. I should have known you would be like this.” “I love you; do you still love me?” “So much,” Phil pulled Dan into a kiss, tugging roughly at his curls. He pulled away and removed the Omega's coat that he hadn’t bothered to remove from the night before. Dan looked into Phil’s eyes, his own wide and confused. Phil took off Dan's shirt next, followed by his own. Kissing the exposed skin on Dan’s chest he heard his Alpha moan. “Yes, Omega, please. Need you.” Both of their clothes were scattered, and they were laying on the floor near the rooms, Dan’s knot was firmly locked into Phil as he sucked on Phil’s bond mark. “My Omega,” Dan whispered into Phil’s neck. “I love you Alpha.” “Love you,” Dan tenderly held his Omega tightly to him, waiting for his knot to go down. Dan woke up to Phil whimpering, “Alpha,” They were still on the floor. “What’s wrong, Phil?” “Please don’t leave me, I’m sorry.” “I’m right here. I won’t leave.” “I’m so sorry I said those terrible things to you.” “I don’t understand why you did,” Dan admitted, “But I can’t leave, I tried and I ended up outside your door.” “You wanted to leave?” “Not forever,” Dan assured him. “I knew I had done something, but you were so vicious.” “I know,” “Maybe we should have this conversation after we have showered, and are off the floor?” Phil sniffed, “Yeah, I need a bath.” “Did I hurt you?” “I think it’s more the floor that hurt me.” Dan stood up heading to the bathroom. “What are you doing?” “Running you a bath, come on.” Phil followed and watched as Dan carefully tempered the water and added a bath bomb. “Okay, it’s ready.” Dan flushed, “I know it’s weird, I want to give you a bath.” Phil chuckled, “It’s not,” He kissed Dan. “I would really appreciate that.” Throughout the rest of the day, Dan had been taking care of Phil, making sure he was comfortable, fed and happy. They hadn’t spoken of the last few days yet, they were just enjoying being close to one another again, spending time together. When someone knocked at their door, Dan instantly went stiff and when Phil went to answer the door, Dan stopped him. “No,” Dan said. “I’ll get it.” Phil sighed but didn’t argue. It was their Tesco delivery, so no threat, but Dan wasn’t risking it. He felt that he needed to protect his Omega from everyone. He was confused why he was feeling so strongly this way, but he was just grateful that Phil was allowing him to touch him again. “You’re spoiling me, you know,” Phil said after dinner. “I guess I am. Just feel like it today.” Dan said, clearing dishes. “I can help you,” “No, you sit. I got it.” “Alpha, we need to talk.” Dan froze, staring at the sink. “Yeah, okay.” “Come sit, please.” Dan did so, skeptically. “Okay, so. We need to talk about the last few days.” “Do we? Let’s just forget it.” “No, Dan. I was terrible to you. I have no excuse; I should have handled this much better.” “You want to leave, don’t you?” “What?” Phil shook his head. “Of course not! Why would you think that after today?” “I didn’t know what to think, Phil. You said things to me I never thought you would. I’m pretty confused.” Phil sighed, “I know. That’s my fault. I’m sorry I told you to act like an Alpha. That was one of the meanest things I have ever said to anyone. I love you, Dan. I never should have said that.” He looked at Dan. “I have been really scared, upset and lost these last few days.” “I know. What I don’t know is why.” “The same reason you haven’t been able to stay away from me, why you want to take care of me and why you almost decapitated the Tesco delivery person.” “I don’t get it.” Phil laughed, “Phil, can you just tell me?” “Alpha, I’m pregnant.” Phil waited for the reaction. Dan was silent, looking at his shoes again. “Please, Dan, say something.” Much to Phil’s surprise, when Dan lifted his head to meet Phil’s eyes, his eyes sparkled with tears and there was a soft smile on his face. “We’re going to be parents?” “Yes,” Phil whispered. Dan’s grin encompassed his entire face, he shot up and pulled Phil from his chair hugging him close. “Omega, my omega.” Phil let out a relieved breath turning his head to rest it on Dan’s shoulder. “You’re happy.” It was a statement, not a question. “What? Of course!” Dan placed a hand in between them, on Phil’s abdomen. “Of course, I’m happy.” “I was so scared; it was our first mating session and we got pregnant. I was afraid that you wouldn’t handle it well.” “Did you think I was going to leave?” “Yes,” Phil said timidly. “Phil, I waited for you too. You are my family. Was I planning on being a father at 18? Of course not, will it make me leave? Absolutely not. I love you, Omega.” “I love you too, Alpha. You’re just so sure everything is going to be okay. I was terrified to speak, to tell you.” Dan pulled back and looked at him confused, “You were that worried?” Phil nodded. “Oh, Omega. Has this been the problem?” Again, Phil nodded. Dan laughed, loudly. “Do you know how many things I had running through my head? Never this. Oh, thank, god.” He cupped Phil’s cheek. “You don’t need to worry, Phil, my Omega. We are going to be fine. You are going to make an excellent parent! I will take care of all of us, I promise. Everything will be okay.” Phil smirked, “I know we will. I’m sorry I ever doubted it. We are going to be fine, aren’t we?” “Of course, Omega. Let me take care of everything. You worry about you and our baby. The rest is on me, okay? “Hey Dan, you’re behaving like a typical Alpha. You know that, right?” Dan tittered, “Yeah, I guess I am.” For the first time in his life, Dan actually felt and believed he wasn’t born wrong. He was an Alpha and though he had not started off the way “he was supposed to,” he knew now, more than ever, he would make his Omega proud.

#pff bingo 2019 #phanfic

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love-for-ever-more · 6 years

Text

I wanna feel love: Part 3

a deacury fic

A creak on the floor echoed throughout the house but there was no sign that anyone had heard anything. The dark haired man had sneaked out of the room, out of the flat and out of the building with remarkable skill. A skill he didn't know he possessed but took full advantage of, every time he paid a late-night visit at that flat.

He paused at the doorstep, took out his cigarettes and put one of them on his lips sucking hungrily at it, the moment he lit it up. He hurriedly descended the stairs with a mirthless look on his face and began running as fast as he could, without looking back. He didn't stop until he was out of breath.

He was supposed to feel joyful and happy, he had an orgasm fifteen minutes ago. Sexual activity is known to influence the physiological production of endorphins in the brain that also elevate the person's mood. He knew that. Instead, he was overwhelmed by deep sorrow. He was feeling sorry for himself, regretful for not being able to keep his promise and angry at the same time.

He sighed loudly and lifted his head towards the sky. The clouds were dark and hanging low above him, full of water ready to be poured down on him. He let the freezing rain fall on his face, secretly wishing his sorrow and his pain to be washed away by it. He didn't care about ruining his hair, his makeup or his fashionable clothes. Tears and raindrops had already become one, on his pretty face.

Earlier that day he had allowed his bad temper to take over him, once more. Most importantly, he had raised his voice in anger on his closest friends, once more. He felt sorry about that, too. His friends were the most important people in his life. He had put them in a very inconvenient state, all three of them.

'This isn't right' he thought. 'I can't keep acting like an arse to them'

His feet guided him at the bar he was spending his alone-nights-out, for the second time that day. He hesitated for some time before entering. Did he really want to go there again? What for?

'Then why did you come all the way here, again, if you don't wanna enter, you fool?' he asked himself. He smirked scornfully at his own words and turned away.

Earlier that night

When he slammed the door close and left his house some hours earlier, he knew he would end up in this fucking bar. He may have wandered aimlessly for some time, through the nearly empty streets but he ended up there. Fluffy was still in his hands when he ordered his first beer. He had chosen to sit in one of the most remote tables, buried in his thoughts.

'I push away those who care about me.. Rog, Brian..Mary..even John..I can't recognize myself anymore' he thought. 'I fight with my parents because they just wanna check if I'm alright. I apologized to Brian for being an arse and only an hour later I fight with Rog..I'm gonna end up alone...'

'You won't end up alone' an inner voice told him. 'You know what you have to do. Your friends love you and they'll support you.'

"Will they?" he asked himself, looking at Fluffy. "How am I gonna say it to them?" he asked again. 'Mary is gonna hate me.. I know she loves me, right now, but after I tell her.. she will be disgusted.'

Mary loved him and she kept telling him that every time they saw each other. They were together for more than 3 years. She loved taking care of him, she was infatuated by him and she craved for him to say the same things back to her.

Only he couldn't.

He ordered another beer and let his mind wander some months ago when he realized he had no actual future with her.

It was April '73, the band had just finished their gig at Chelsea College, the place where John studied electronics. They did wonderful that day! By then, all four members of Queen had gotten to know each other pretty well, they had become friends and their chemistry on stage was excellent. The audience was excited with them and Freddie was the absolute star of the night! It wasn't unknown for them to end up at a nearby pub to celebrate their amazing performance, along with a couple of John's friends and Mary, of course.

His name was Steve and he had spent the whole night next to him and John, talking about how great they were. "I bet you are used to having everyone look at you in absolute awe!" he had said to Freddie as he leaned in his ear. 'No one could take his eyes off of you! You were amazing!'

He had praised him with dozens of compliments. Freddie was left totally dumbstruck to answer. He wasn't accustomed to such compliments, especially when it came from guys. They ended spending the whole night chatting and laughing together and at the end, Steve kissed him. Twice. And Freddie liked it. And him.

The next day they had met again and then the day after that. Freddie had fallen in love with Steve and Steve kept fucking Freddie secretly after each of their gigs. Until the day Steve decided to abandon his studies, marry Kate -his girlfriend- and leave London, resulting John to move in with the rest of the guys and Freddie feeling brokenhearted.

Everything started to change after that. Freddie's behavior towards Mary was almost indifferent, he started avoiding his flatmates, he started going out alone and at the same time, he became more introvert. He also started feeling ashamed of himself.

The realization of preferring guys over girls hit him hard even though he always knew that something was missing, something that made him feel incomplete being with Mary.

There had been many nights when he tried not to listen to his heart, not to give in to his desires and stay next to his girlfriend, who loved him. He only succeeded this a few times. Most times, he would leave Mary's flat and bed in search of a male lover who could pleasure him much more. And he felt guilty for that. He felt cheap.

"Thought I would find you here" a harsh voice brought him back to reality. He didn't notice him approach his table or even sit next to him. "Missed me already, haven't you?" he asked sarcastically "or maybe missed this?" he continued, pointing at his own cock.

Freddie gulped the rest of his beer but didn't answer. "Oh come on Freddie. I know you want it" he said and moved closer, pressing his bulge on Freddie's thigh. Freddie felt his resistance drop slowly and looked him in the eyes.

"Did you miss me Greg?" he asked, a look of expectancy on his face.

"I sure missed..this" he grabbed Freddie's hand and placed it on his hardening cock. "I missed your touch"

Freddie swallowed hard and tried to contain himself. "Why don't you sit with me, dear? Have a drink or something? Let's talk!" he invited him.

"You can have as many drinks" he winked "as you want, at my place. Until you feel full" he concluded and grabbed Freddie's cock with his palm. "Follow me"

Freddie felt his heart sink for a moment, he wasn't anything special to Greg..just somebody to spend the night with..just a fuck. He could see that. But he couldn't stop what was about to happen, either. He was too weak to stop it. He got up, took Fluffy in his hands and followed Greg. He wasn't gonna make him, ask twice.

They didn't exchange a single word all the way to Greg's flat, much to Freddie's disappointment. And of course, when they were in the flat, he had to be as quiet as he possible, because Greg's flatmate was there too. Freddie didn't know why he had to make no noise at the beginning of their fuck-relationship but the truth got to him one of the next times.

Freddie had made the terrible mistake of falling asleep for only ten minutes after their sex session had finished. Or to put it better, he had made the terrible mistake of waking up at the most inappropriate time. When he opened his eyes, Greg wasn't in bed with him so he thought he could join him in the shower, or maybe the kitchen. When he opened the bedroom door, he heard something that would stay in his memory forever.

"Man! Do you actually allow him to kiss you or..or blow you with all those fucking teeth of his?" it was the flat mate's voice. And then he heard both of them laughing at him. "I wouldn't let him come close unless he was already bent!" and more laughter followed.

"Shhh he might hear you!" Greg's voice shut him. They continued giggling but Freddie couldn't listen anymore.

He closed the door as quietly as he could and buried himself under the covers. Rivers of tears were running from his eyes, his body was shaking.. Within the last hour, he had felt happiness and complete misery. How was it possible for someone to be such a hypocrite? An hour ago Greg was whispering sweet things to him and now he was making fun of him.

When he stopped crying, he got up, got dressed and with his heart full of sorrow he decided to leave the house. He was ashamed of seeing them but there was no other way to get out of there.

"Hey!" Greg greeted him as soon as he entered the sitting room.

"Hey" Freddie greeted back.

"This is Michael, my flatmate"

"Hi! You're Freddie right?" he asked and a huge grin appeared on his face showing his perfect teeth.

"Yeah that's me" Freddie nodded reluctantly trying not to move his lips more than necessary, so his teeth could remain as hidden as possible. He kept his eyes on the floor when he spoke to Greg "I have to go"

"Ok. We'll talk again.."

Freddie turned on his heel quickly before his tears start dripping again.

"Why is he dressed like that?!" he heard Michael through the closed door and his heart had sunk even deeper.

"What would you like to drink?" Greg asked when they entered his flat. "There's vodka and there's beer and.. there's also something rather tasteful..in here" he said, touching his bulge. "Unless you're too eager to wait" he smirked with a sly look "are you?" he winked at Freddie and grabbed his ass with his hands.

Freddie didn't answer. He remained motionless as Greg pulled him into the bedroom. Freddie had been in that room more than 5 times in the last month.

Greg started undressing him once the door was closed. There were no kisses, no sweet talk, not even foreplay. As soon as Greg pulled down his boxers, he bent Freddie against the wall, almost squeezing his head on it. There wasn't even bed in their fuck- meetings.

Freddie felt cheaper than ever. He felt sorry for getting a hard-on, under Greg's harsh ways. When he finished inside of him, Freddie felt dirty. He swore under his breath for coming back to that flat. He finished himself off, leaning against Greg's body and facing the wall in front of him. Greg didn't even touch him.

'Why am I treating myself like this?' was the first thought that crossed his mind.

He saw Greg lying on the untouched bed ready to fall asleep. Of course, he didn't invite Freddie to lay down with him. He sat at the corner of it and once Greg was fast asleep he put on his clothes and sneaked out of the room and out of the house, holding his breath.

'You treat yourself like shit, why do you expect the others to treat you any different?'

"I only wanna feel loved"

'Ha! Do you call this, love? Sweety you've got no idea how love works'

"I wanna learn how love works"

'You've got to try harder, dear. Meaningless fucks aren't love..'

"Do I deserve to feel loved?"

'You were born to feel loved. As soon as you open your eyes, you'll understand'

"What do you mean?"

'Use your eyes and you will be surpri-'

"Fuck!!" Freddie exclaimed. "What the fuck?" he was so absorbed in his imaginary dialogue with his heart that he didn't see the puddle, right in front of his eyes.

"Use your eyes... yeah, tell me about that.." he mocked his thoughts. His left foot was covered in mud and there were splashes all over his white jeans.

"Shit!" he tried to see how bad it looked but the street light was faint near him. "Thank God, home is around the corner" he said sounding disappointed.

The whole fucking night was a farce. He walked home even more disheartened than before. Heavy rain was still pouring on him but he didn't care.

He turned on the light and tossed his clothes right away lying on the couch. It was 03:30 am and he was feeling like shit.

"Well.. not only do I feel like shit but I might have stepped on it" he muttered and a dim smile appeared on his lips. What was it that Brian had told him once?

'You know Fred, it's a characteristic of Europe's southern countries' people, that they try to exorcise pain and sorrow through laughter'. He had taken his most profound look when saying that, Freddie remembered.

'It's because these two -phenomenally, so much different- feelings are actually intertwined. It's a kind of physical mechanism of them, sort of speaking, it's written on their DNA to exorcise pain or even grief using laughter as a means to feel reborn."

"Wow!" Roger had uttered in astonishment. "How come and you know all this stuff, Bri?" his bright blue eyes were looking at Brian in total admiration.

Freddie's smile grew wider at the whole reminiscence. He loved his friends. He immediately felt better, thinking about them. He could even laugh at his little accident and he couldn't wait to tell the boys about it.

Walking up to his room he couldn't help but wonder 'when was it the last time I laughed as if there was no tomorrow?' He found it difficult to remember until he passed outside John's door. And then it flashed him.

It was two days after that damn incident at Greg's. He was sitting alone in the kitchen, thinking over the same words again and again, when John entered and after a casual talk he had revealed to him the cause of his gloominess. Without using names of course or any specific details.

He had poured his heart out to John about his fear of being alone.. about the abandonment he felt when he was little and was sent to a school away from his family.. He confessed his insecurities to John and all the rude comments he used to get from his classmates firstly about his teeth and secondarily about his mannerisms, which continue to haunt him during his manhood.

And John listened to him. He listened carefully all the way through, without interrupting, without asking anything more than what Freddie was willing to tell him. And when he saw that Freddie's eyes were brimming with tears he took him in such tight a hug that Freddie thought he would get bruised!

"You will never be alone Freddie!" John had told him, caressing his back. "I will always be here for you!"

And taking him by his hand he led him out of the house, smiling widely.

"Where are we going?" Freddie had asked in surprise.

"I know what you need!" John winked.

He walked with Freddie at the nearby cinema hall and bought the tickets along with the popcorn.

"It must be a masterpiece of a movie!" Freddie giggled.

"How can you tell?" John asked.

"Weeell.. it's only 10 people in here!" Freddie laughed loud enough to make those ten heads turn and look at both of them as they were trying to find their seats. "Hello darlings!" he addressed to all of them and blew them a kiss as he sat down, smiling widely.

The seats were uncomfortable and the space between the rows was narrow. Freddie tried hard not to complain but he would have been right doing so. They couldn't even fit their legs in there.

The movie was an American comedy, nothing to do with the English sense of humor. It was hilarious nevertheless.

Freddie kept laughing hard all the way through. It was the most hysterically funny movie they had ever seen. There was no way, a movie like that to get nice reviews but it made them cry, because of laughing..

Freddie had laid his legs on John's lap and used their jackets as a pillow to rest his back against the side of his seat. It was the only way to make himself comfortable.

John didn't complain. He kept passing Freddie popcorn, one by one, during the whole movie. He also kept glancing at him every now and then. They laughed..and laughed..Freddie hadn't tried to hide his teeth, not even once.

He closed the door of his room smiling widely, turned on the light and headed to the mirror that was hanging on the wall across his bed. He faked a grin and tried not to avert his eyes from there.

'Your smile and your teeth are as special and unique as you are. You must never again allow anyone to make you think that you should be ashamed of them or anything else.' John had told him on their way back home, that night.

He sighed deeply and placed a finger on one of his protruding teeth, touching it slightly. "John is right" he said calmly "they are part of who I am and if I want anyone to love me, I have to learn how to love myself first." And with that, he leaned forward and placed a small kiss on his reflection.

The first step was done.

#deacury #queen band #queenslash #freddie mercury #john deacon #fanfic #fanfiction #my first fic

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justalittlemango · 3 years

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Putting things into perspective.

So.. obviously.. this feels like the worst I’ve felt in a long time or maybe ever. Or, I’m just dissociating like crazy and things feel really wack, but maybe I’ve been through wacker things? I’m not sure. I guess that’s the point of this post to put my thoughts into perspective and compare to past experiences. And with some hope it may make me feel a little more positive about what’s going on right now..

Well, I guess the present moment. Why do I feel wack? I mean, I feel lonely. Even though I’m not, I’m friends with and speaking to quite a few people. Probably the most I’ve ever actually spoken to at any point in my life. So not lonely in terms of friendships, I guess it’s the “love” type of loneliness. Because my boyfriend has gone. I don’t know where. He’s been gone for a while. And it’s affecting me like crazy. Most of this stress and anxiety is being triggered by the thought of him. It all happened quite quickly, a couple months ago he was so clingy and sweet and I’d be the same back. A month after, that all changed completely. It was like the boy I fell in love with had gone. I do blame the meds, but I also blame his lack of accountability. And unfortunately, there were a couple of fallouts, both of us ending up getting hurt. I apologised but got nothing. Nothing at all. Just...ghosted. He came back temporarily for a day or so, but left again. It’s quite wack when someone you felt a new level of love for just disappears.

So yeah.. that’s rough. I’m constantly thinking what he could be doing, how he feels about me and all that. Constantly those thoughts dominate my mind. To the point where it’s disrupted my sleep majorly. I keep stressing in my sleep. Insomnia became a nightly occurrence until I was able to retake control of it more recently. However I’m still waking up in the middle of the night, having distressing dreams, sleep paralysis and all that.. I’m going to assume that’s due to all the stress I’m experiencing. My body doesn’t feel too great either so it’s kind of triggering my health anxiety.

This may also be a part of my seasonal depression because I fucking hate the winter and early dark nights. Feels so depressing. I feel quite isolated. So yes, all those issues in one combination isn’t too great. It doesn’t help that I don’t have a house key here so I can’t really go out early in the day. So I’m stuck inside until it’s night. Oh well, not much I can do anyway.. it is a national lockdown again.. and this lockdown has been the roughest one yet. 10x worse than the one last year. Everything seems so bleak on that front but seems like there may be light at the end of the tunnel soon... I hope.

I think there are some similarities with major negative events I’ve had in the past, such as my first love, when I went to uni in 2016 and whatnot. I mean, the predominant feeling here is loneliness, overthinking and stress. Loneliness always has made me feel ultra shitty in comparison to other things. I hate that I feel lonely since I have so many people to speak to, a lot of friends now.. but it still feels lonely.

So. What’s positive right now? Well.. positive news is that this pandemic seems to be coming to an end (at least here) in a few months. I hope. Positive is that my parents are alive and healthy. I’m currently with my parents right now and I don’t have to worry about money, I don’t have to worry about going grocery shopping or anything like that. I myself, I think, am physically healthy too. My health anxiety tells me otherwise, but I’m trying to just believe it when I feel it yknow? I have friends too that are supporting me. I have a lot of stuff that I would’ve only dreamt of as a kid.. like.. all this technology and a big TV, the only important things to me when I was younger lol.

Money is usually a big stress causer for me, but now I am financially stable and should be good for a while as long as I don’t spend like an idiot. So there’s no need to stress over that at least.

So if I compare this moment to times in the past, maybe I can start being more happy and grateful for what I got right now.

Lets rewind to when I was working as a baker. Having to take a 30 minute train and then a 15 minute bus to the supermarket I worked at. Working those horrid weekend shifts. Having to pick up other people’s pieces because they wouldn’t work as hard as I did. I didn’t like the job mostly because colleagues were lazy and the distance I worked. In all fairness, I hated living in that town. There was nothing to do. It felt trashy and grimey. I hated living there when I decided to move there. I was in a relationship that didn’t feel like it was really working out, but held on anyway. It never did get better really. So.. things in reality weren’t better. It felt nice to get a paycheck. But I remember the stress of public transport, the mixed shifts, not knowing what I’m coming into.. et cetera. So things weren’t as good back then.

Fast forward to summer 2018. I mean, I won’t bother here, summer 2018 was one of the most fun time periods I had. Even winter 2018 was fun despite getting robbed. But it was fun going to Coventry a lot, all the bars/gay clubs around there. Going to Pride. Winning free tickets to Comic Con. Integrating with the Splat community on Twitter, feeling so welcomed and happy. It was the best I had felt for a long time.

Summer 2019. Things got dull! Surprise surprise. Health anxiety was still a new concept to me, so when I did have panic attacks, I would go to A&E. I remember those experiences and how awful it felt, especially just being told it was anxiety. That was a frequent worry for me back then. Another worry was my depression. I felt stuck. Still hated living in that town. Nothing to do. Bored. Working long hours. Not too great pay. Having to cover my colleague and doing that wack warehouse job. Having to deal with annoying customers. The stress of all that would be so bad. I remember being sad because I didn’t have enough time in the day to do my hobbies. Arguing with my ex-bf over who’s doing the dishes and cooking etc. I felt like a zombie in that job. Only thing keeping my head up high was my upcoming trip to Canada, quitting my job, moving out and starting university. I didn’t even really have friends at all back then.. I had my one friend, Drop. I didn’t have anybody else necessarily... imagine that now.. though that has happened at points in 2020 too. So yeah, summer 2019 was arguably worse. Mostly with the situation I was in. Dead end job. Stressed. No time. Hated that town. Lonely.

A bit further back.. September 2016 to Early 2017. This was shit. I hated uni. I didn’t get on with my flatmates. My anxiety held me back so much. I felt like such a mess. I was drinking almost everyday to cope. I blew so much of my money. I didn’t go to any lectures. I felt like a failure because I wasn’t attending. Not making friends either. Just in my room doing jack shit. Relationship didn’t feel great either. So I dropped out a couple months later, found a rather unpleasant message said about me in a group chat, and uh yeah, that made me feel wack XD though.. I can’t blame them, I was isolating myself for legit no reason. I also received lovely news that I had a debt needing to be paid off since I dropped out, and it was one I had to pay instantly. I had no choice but to sign on at the job centre and claim jobseeking welfare. It didn’t go well. I slept over some appointments and got penalised. I then left the jobcentre and extended my overdraft to help cover time for my debts. I then went to a different jobcentre. Took me a couple months but then I got my baker job. I just need to remember how horrible that was. I felt like such a mess. A no-hoper. I was partying and going out with my welfare money and a bit of my ex’s money lol (with him of course!) so yeah. That was an extemely difficult situation to escape. It felt impossible to find a job that wanted me. I was grateful for the job I got. Until it got shitty.

And now... fast forward to 2020. The last time I was at my parents house was summer 2020. It felt really strange coming back here for Christmas with all that happened over the summer. I broke up with my ex-bf. It felt like a relief weirdly. I fell in love with a lad that I felt so heavily for. It went well until we would fall out. He and I did break up around July 2020, and then I met somebody who comforted me and made me feel good. But that didn’t last, since I didn’t “love” him and he did for me. So I ended that around Sept 2020. And then, when I started uni for a couple months, that was also one of the worst times I had. I felt lonely. Lost a lot of the friends I made this year (almost all.) My ex-bf was bringing his lad over and having fun and that made me feel weird. Dealing with being single was stressful. I was drinking to cope once again. And yeahhhh...

How I feel right now is similar to Sept 2020 feels when I started uni. Just stressed. Overthinking. Lonely. Wanting to drink a lot. But I won’t let myself abuse alcohol like that. I think I’m coping well for how shitty I feel.. I mean not all the time I feel like this.. but a lot of days I do. But.. at least I am getting on with my work. I am attempting to do my workouts and my Spanish stuff, as well as my portfolio stuff too. Also keeping up contact with a lot of friends. Pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Not being scared to VC friends anymore. I have come quite a long way.

I just need to fix my sleep. And to do that, I need to stop thinking about him. My brain is just so confused about him. One time I will love and miss him, other time I won’t care and want to meet other people. And I’m not really sure how to maintain a dominant side, if that makes sense? The side I would like to stick to is just thinking he’s a time-waster, he’s ghosting me to try and remain distant and that I should just move on... I try my hardest to keep that in my head, but despite all that, whenever I see old messages or pictures, my soft sensitive side comes out again. I really don’t know how to tackle it. THe thing is, I need to tackle it otherwise I will continue to be stressed and not be able to sleep like a normal human again (and god knows I was a normal human before... smh)

I want to retain my view that he’s no good for me, that I deserve better etc.. but it’s like, the meds messed him up.. but why wasn’t he open about it with me? Why did he get so distant from him.. why did he react so bad to my concerns.. why can’t he communicate with me? And now why is he ghosting me rather than sorting it out? Does he want it sorting? Is he wanting to move on? So many questions and unfortunately I just don’t know. Maybe I need to just put my foot down here.

Easier said than done, but if I put my foot down and keep telling myself I deserve better. Listen to what Drop says, I do deserve better and that he is not well, and that the boy I fell in love with is no longer around. He’s gone. Instead, there is a dark shadow of his former self that is ghosting me. I gotta keep reminding myself that there will be better people out there for me. People who won’t treat me like this. And that, as much as I feel bad that the meds did this to him, I can’t respect how he treated me. He’s made me feel all this shit. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care to reply to me. He made a rude remark about my anxiety in a public forum. He’s manipulative. Think about it.. he’s there, he could easily message me, it takes 5 seconds, but it’s CLEAR as ICE that he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t care to do it. And that should be enough for me to put my foot down and remember that he is no sweetheart. He’s not the Dylan I fell in love with, period.

I think if I keep telling myself this, I can do it. I just need to remind myself that I deserve better. It’s not normal to be treated like this, and that honestly it’s a good thing this all happened before him and I met. On the plus side, I could do something with that £250 I was saving to go see him.. I gotta stop being sensitive. I am way better than this. I gotta remember what my mom said too. Mom always knows better. I was a fighter with all the problems I had when I was younger. I shouldn’t let this present shit bring me down. I’m way better than this!

I’m too good for that kind of treatment. I know my worth. I know my values. And now I know his. And yet here I am losing fucking sleep and stressing over him! Imagine!! Well, I want February to be different. Jan was shit. Feb I hope to be better. I will not think about him as much. I just got to remember that he has disrespected me and treated me like trash. I am no longer going to feel bad. He needs to grow up and take some responsibility. I don’t care if this sounds harsh, this is truly coming from the heart. I know for a fact I didn’t deserve the backlash I got from him. Yeah.. maybe I’ll try that. I should try to avoid the habits I tend to do.. like checking his Discord... or his twitter.. or his Switch activity and that. Avoid looking at my twitter cover also. I wish at this point I could just remove him from my bio and cover but I don’t want to fully break.. or do I? I mean.. how can I hold a relationship with someone who acts like this? So yeah. I need to treat this like a breakup.. an official breakup. And that he and I broke up a month or so ago when he decided to ditch me. I shouldn’t feel bad.

And remember the positives: my parents are alive and healthy, I’m with them right now! And that I don’t have to worry about money. No money problems! Not having to worry about groceries either. All I gotta do is my uni work. Pace myself. And I can try find time to do my workouts and Spanish at some point soon. We gonna have a good time Kurt.

0 notes

lavidademarimar · 6 years

Text

~ Masterlist ~

Elena was stood at the bus stop where Tom would arrive. She wore a yellow sundress and sunglasses that took up half her face. As the bus pulled over, she got giddy, and started looking for him. She found him quickly, a bit disoriented, with his mobile in hand.

“Oi! Glynn-Carney!” Elena shouted.

Tom’s head shot up in Elena’s direction, he flashed her the biggest smile he could, ran over to her, and wrapped his arms around her waist. They hugged for a while. Elena couldn’t believe how attached she felt to him already. Tom felt like a friend she hadn’t seen in years.

“Did you make it okay? Was everything the way it should have been?” Elena asked, smiling.

“Yeah, I had no problem. Love, I’m starving and craving a pint, please feed me.”

“That’s exactly the attitude we need. Let’s go to mine to drop off your things and then let’s go eat our feelings because we will get drunk and then I’ll sober you up.”

“Mate, are you flirting with me?” Tom winked.

Elena laughed. “Do you really think that I would go for you? I would obviously go for Harry,” Elena scoffed and started walking down the street.

Tom shook his head and followed her. Jack was playing with fire.

After eating burgers and starting on the pints, Tom and Elena headed to Place du Luxembourg, where they’d meet her friends to drink. Elena had told Tom that this was a regular occurrence when the sun was out, and every young professional who wanted to network and meet people was usually there. It was all part of the Brussels bubble.

Carlos was sceptical of Tom when he met him, but he soon relaxed when he saw he was a good lad. Andres was also with them with his girlfriend Valerie, who lives with him, and Andrea, one of Elena’s co-workers and her best friend in Brussels.

“Another round on me?” Tom asked.

The group agreed and clapped for Tom, who laughed and left. They all turned to Elena, who was waiting for it.

“Okay, if the Scot is like this one, I could be more open to this new boyfriend you have,” said Carlos.

“They’re a bit different but Tom is his best best friend. I think that says a lot, no?”

“Still doubtful,” said Andres.

Elena took their apprehension lightly because she knew they were just looking out for her. That school group was like a big, dysfunctional family, and Carlos and Andres were the closest thing she had to an older and younger brother, respectively.

“I, for one, can’t wait to meet him. He seems super intense and super into you,” said Andrea, sipping the last bits of her beer.

“Oi! Elena!” Tom called her to help with the beer but Andres volunteered instead, to show how they wouldn’t be total idiots this weekend.

The group scattered at about 10 pm, and Tom and Elena went to get fries and more beer before calling it a night. They were in Place Jourdan, a quiet but busy atmosphere, because the famous Maison Antoine fries were there.

“Mate, how are these fries so good?” Tom asked, devouring the fries with Samourai sauce.

“Witchcraft,” said Elena, tipsy.

Tom stared at her and knew it was now or never.

“Why are you playing hard to get so stubbornly?”

Elena figured the topic would come up at some point, better now that she was drunk. If she said anything stupid, she’d apologise tomorrow and blame it on the beer.

“I’m not a monster. I just... have some intimacy issues that are my fault only and he’s…so…bloody…keen, mate,” Elena slurred those last words to create impact, but Tom just found her amusing. “I mean, I would have to be mad not to be all over him because he’s fucking gorgeous, is totally smitten with me, and is a fantastic fuck, but we’re going at two different speeds with this. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Well, there were bits in what you just said that I really didn’t need to know, but I understand. Jack’s very intense in general with everything he sets his eyes on. It’s why he’s where he is. He was the only one of his class to graduate with a full-time serious non-internship job, it’s why he got transferred to Shanghai, it’s why he’s living with us instead of by himself when he has the money to do it. He’s always been a long-term lad.”

“He said he was living with you because he’d blown up his savings in Shanghai,” said Elena suspiciously.

Tom laughed. “He’s bloody frugal. He travelled through South-East Asia for two months before moving back to London and he called it blowing up his savings. Mate, those countries are bloody cheap, yeah? He didn’t blow up anything; he may have dented his savings, but I would strongly doubt that.”

Elena laughed. “You really are the best mate he could have ever asked for.”

Tom shrugged and smiled. “Jack’s my boy. I love him to bits. Now, how the fuck are you going to sober me up because I need to be dashing at 9 am tomorrow.”

“Kebab and water, let’s go,” Elena stood up.

Tom followed her and Elena grabbed his arm and wrapped hers around it.

“I don’t want to continue drinking more water. I’m going to be sick,” Tom was pouting.

“One more glass, then shower, then bed,” said Elena gulping her fifth glass of water. She grabbed her phone and opened Jack’s chat. “Come on, let’s show him how sad we are without him.”

Tom smiled at her and turned to the camera and put on a pout. Elena beamed. She texted ‘We miss you! Tom is a whiny bitch who’s going to be hungover tomorrow if he doesn’t listen to me’.

Her phone vibrated with a reply.

“He’s been probably waiting all day to hear from us,” Tom shook his head and headed into Elena’s room.

Jack: He looks done for. Doesn’t he have a meeting early tomorrow? Yer a bad influence. Elena: Hey, if the lad can’t hold his beer, it’s not my problem. Jack: hahaha that is a problem. Elena: How was your day? Jack: uneventful. Had a late work day and got home to Harry covering one of the windows with a sheet so he could paint without distractions. Elena: you should stop overthinking everything Harry does. He’s your flatmate. You need to learn to live with him and his personality. Jack: haha I like that ye separated the two. Yer right. Yer right. Elena: why don’t you work out to blow off steam? Jack: I should shag ye to blow off steam. Elena: lmao Shakespeare, I don’t think Skype sex has the same effect that punching an actual man in the face. Jack: Skype sex is awful compared to the real thing. Elena: I know. Jack: when could I go? Elena: we just got back, Jack. I’m only just getting my workload back. When you come, I want to take some days off. I can’t take them after being gone for two weeks. Jack: how about I go a weekend? Harmless. Ye don’t have to take days off, we don’t leave yer room, and then we plan a longer trip. Elena: tempting. I need to sleep. Goodnight xx Jack: Goodnight x

Tom's firm was looking into creating alliances with Brussels post-Brexit, and had sent Tom's charm and hard wits to captivate his audience before the tough negotiations began between partners. This was also a test to see if he was a solid investment or not. Having just finished his LLM, Tom knew he had to make an impression. Elena had no doubt that Tom had swept the room off its feet as she waited for Tom outside the building he had the meeting. She was fidgety, playing with her hands.

Tom came out with a smile on his face. "Oi!"

"I'm guessing the meeting went well?"

Tom lifted Elena and spun her around. "It went bloody amazing, mate! I was in charge of that shit. We have to celebrate."

"Your wish is my command. Our plan is: eat, go home and rest a bit, then pregame with Andie and we're going partying."

"Solid. Let's do it."

To say the night was going to be different was an understatement. Elena had drunk a bottle of wine by herself and was electric. The Massive Party Spotify playlist blasted out of Elena’s room. Andrea arrived half a bottle into the pregame and caught up quickly. Carlos saw the girls getting ready and shook his head. "I wish you good luck. You're going to need it. Don't let her lose her mobile." and left for a date. Tom laughed nervously.

The first stop was a club in the City Centre.

"Watch your things, there's loads of pickpockets here," warned Andrea as they walked in.

Shots of tequila ensued. Elena and Andrea followed the music with their hips and soon enough, they were surrounded by vultures. Tom got in between the girls and started dancing with them to shoo the men off. He was drunk, but he was on duty.

When one man tried to cut him off, Elena stopped him. "We don't want to dance with you. We're together."

"Well, you can be with me," the man smiled.

"I think it's pretty obvious that we have a thing for blondes," Elena smiled and kissed Tom in the corner of his mouth and then Andrea did the same.

"Yeah, mate, back off. They're taken," said Tom, wrapping his arms around the girls' waists.

Fortunately, he did leave.

“Ugh, I hate having to do that shit,” said Elena, “But I do have a thing for blondes,” she giggled. 

After a few hours there, they got bored and ended up in a salsa bar. The team was so drunk at this point that they didn't care they were making fools of themselves with their wannabe dancing.

"This is the only place in Brussels where people don't automatically think I'm a good dancer because I can move my hips," she yelled in Tom's ear and laughed.

It was 5 am when they left.

“This is so much fuuuuuuuuun!!!!!” Andrea screamed running barefoot in the street while Tom and Elena laughed at her.

The three of them landed on Elena’s bed with a thud.

Tom awoke by the sound of cooking in the kitchen. His limbs were mixed with Elena and Andrea's. The girls were spooning. He slid off quietly and went to the sink to splash cold water on his face and opened the door. Carlos looked at him and laughed.

“I guess I should have warned you a bit more. Coffee?” Carlos was making pancakes.

“Oh god, that’d be amazing, mate. Thanks,” said Tom, sitting on a chair so everything would stop spinning.

He poured Tom a cup of black coffee. “How do you drink it?”

“I’ll do that, mate. Don’t worry,” he stood up again slowly to fetch milk and sugar.

“Did Andrea come back with you guys last night?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Trying to see how many pancakes I have to make,” said Carlos.

“Mate, that’s so kind of you,” said Tom.

“Yes. But, it’s also kind of part of our agreement. Elena makes our food for the week with the condition that I take care of the weekends if we’re both in.”

“What? That’s an amazing arrangement. You are aware you won, right?”

“I am aware I won. Besides, there’s no arrangement for desserts, and she loves baking.”

“Mate, you’re a bloody role model. Cheers to you.”

“Thanks, man.”

“So… what about this Jack person? He’s your best friend, no? What’s his deal with Elena?”

Tom laughed. “I figured this would happen sooner or later.”

“Sooner, because she’ll tell me off if she hears me.”

“Mate, I know it seems strange and that they’re mental, but I’ve never seen my mate like that. He was absolutely head over heels for Elena. I understand it, obviously, because she’s great, but I never imagined it would be that intense, that quickly.”

Carlos was trying to decide if he was satisfied with that answer. “I don’t know.”

“I understand.”

“No, dude, I don’t think you do. Jack’s your friend from university, no? I’ve known Elena since 2006. I’ve seen the parade of morons. One right after another. And we’ve always taken care of her, and lately she was making sound choices again, but she goes away for two weeks and now she’s dating some guy that she knows nothing about? I don’t know. She’s like my sister. You have to see where I’m coming from.”

Tom nodded. “I do see where you’re coming from, and I can see why you would suspect, but just give him a chance, yeah? He’s a great lad. If you don’t think he’s worthy, then she’ll dump him and it’ll be a funny story later. Just don’t tell him I said that.”

Carlos laughed. “I think you’re a good guy.”

“Thanks, mate. I appreciate it. Now, should I wake up these women? I’m starving.”

"Ellie, Andie, wake up. Brekkie's done," Tom's voice was soft.

The girls groaned. They were rough. Really rough.

Carlos laughed as soon as he saw them leave Elena's bedroom.

"I take it was a fun night," he said.

"You had better made all the bacon we had," said Elena, looking disgusting, honestly. Her mascara smeared, her hair, greasy, and in a bun.

"I did. Sit. Eat."

The group ate slowly, trying to savour the food and not get sick afterwards, but it would prove to be a challenge.

Elena had mysterious bruises in her legs and Andrea's feet were filthy. They agreed that a shower could do them good. Andrea used Elena's and Ellie went to Carlos'.

Tom had, unsurprisingly, texts from Jack.

Jack: how was last night? 

Jack: bloody hell I saw her Instagram stories. How bad was it? 

Jack: should I be worried? 

Jack: should I just try to forget her?

 Jack: this is unhealthy.  

Jack: I'm losing my bloody mind.

Tom rang Jack.

"Hey," Jack sounded defeated.

"Mate, you have got to stop. It is unhealthy, but because you're not keeping it together. You knew this would be difficult. She has a life here. Nothing bad happened last night. We partied and the three of us collapsed on her bed at 5 am. She could have had any guy last night and she turned them all down. Give her a break and stop pushing her. You're going to end up driving her away."

A heavy sigh was heard on the other end. "Yer right."

"Of course I'm bloody right. We have to talk when I get back, but you have to trust me when I tell you that you need to stop pushing so much," Tom said, shaking his head, concerned.

Andrea turned off the water.

"Mate, I've to go before it gets suspicious. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Aye, all right," Jack said.

Andrea, Tom, and Elena, all showered, were lied on Elena's bed watching Casablanca.

"This is such a bloody amazing film," said Elena.

"A great way to do hungover Saturdays," said Andrea.

"After we're done, would you like to get some air? Walk around?" asked Tom.

Andrea and Elena looked at each other and nodded.

"Nothing too extreme, though," said Elena.

"Maybe walk around and settle in a park somewhere?" asked Andrea.

"That sounds pretty good," said Tom as he reached for his mobile, "Selfie to prove we made it."

Elena and Andrea turned and smiled.

"You can send that to Jack so he sees the people I've slept with this weekend," said Elena, half-joking, half-serious.

Andrea laughed and Tom shook his head. Elena knew Jack as well as he knew her.

"I'll leave it in my Instagram," said Tom. He tagged the girls and captioned it 'Barely alive in Brussels thanks to these two. #DidISalsaLastNight'

His phone vibrated immediately. He immediately assumed it was Jack, but he was surprised.

Harry: Mate. Harry: Mate, who's the fit bird that's with you and Elena?

Tom shook his head. He knew where this would go.

Tom: Elena's best friend here. Her name is Andrea. Harry: I am going to Brussels next week. I need to meet her. Tom: Mate, please don't come before Jack. Are you mental? Harry: Shit, you're right. When's he going? Tom: I think late next week? You can ask him. Harry: I don't want to get punched on a Saturday. I'm rough as fuck. Tom: Don't be a wanker then. Wait for him to come. Harry: What's she like? Tom: She's well cool, mate. I like her a lot. Harry: Are you going to take her from me? Tom: See you tomorrow, Harold.

Harry kept texting Tom during the day, and Tom ignored him.

Tom and Elena were stood waiting for the bus that would take Tom to the airport.

“When will you come visit?” Tom asked.

Elena shrugged.

“So, you’re not going to come to London until you and Jack have figured out what the fuck you’ll be doing?”

Elena shrugged. “Can you see me going to London and not seeing him and just visiting you?”

“Well, you’re my mate, so yeah. Harry and Fionn would love to see you too,” Tom hit her playfully on the shoulder.

“Do you know your friend?”

Silence.

The bus parked and its doors opened.

Tom turned to Elena and smiled. “Mate, I’ve absolutely loved this weekend. Please, think about coming soon. I have to get you pissed now and run barefoot on the streets of London,” Tom smiled the most genuine smile ever and Elena’s heart melted. He was a cutie.

“Enough with your charm! Go away!” Elena pushed him away. Tom laughed and came closer for a hug.

“See you soon then?” Tom kissed her cheek, grabbed his bag and got on the bus. She smiled and waved.

Tom made his way into the flat and Harry and Jack were waiting for him. They stood up quickly and Tom groaned.

“Let me at least go to the loo,” said Tom, shaking his head.

“A brew, mate?” asked Harry.

“Make it a beer if you are going to harass me,” said Tom as he closed the bathroom door.

“A beer sounds nice. Jack, you want one?” asked Harry as he made his way to the refrigerator and took out two beers.

“Aye, please,” said Jack.

Tom came back to the living room/kitchen area wearing black shorts and a white t-shirt. “All right. We’ll start with you because I have more information.” “What did she say?” asked Jack, almost in pain.

“She did admit she had some intimacy issues, but she said she likes you. You just need to realise that you’re not going at the same speed. Back off a bit. You said you wanted to try long-distance, so bloody try long-distance, not ‘ohmygodIneedtoseeyounowimmediatelywhencanIgo’, because you’re going to drive her off. I invited her to come here and she doesn’t want to until you two have reached some sort of balance, whatever she meant by that.”

“Maybe she’s not as into me as I am her,” Jack sighed.

“Well, mate, that’s obvious,” Harry laughed.

Jack punched him in the shoulder. “Why are ye here again?”

Harry smiled. “Elena’s fit friend.”

Jack rolled his eyes at Harry.

“She said you’re gorgeous, smitten with her, and -this is a direct quote-, a fantastic fuck, but-.”

Harry jumped on Jack. “That’s my boy! Well done, my good sir!”

Jack laughed nervously and loosened up a bit. “So, back off a bit. Should I cancel the ticket?”

“No, mate, I don’t think you have to. That’s in two weeks, no?”

“Ten days.”

“Well, I’m thinking that if you play your cards right starting today, when you go you’ll have the desired effect.”

“Okay. So I back off.”

“You back off, just a wee bit, mate. Let her miss you. Let her come to you.”

“Okay. I can do that.”

“Mate, if this goes well, you can fantastically fuck her brains out when you go. It’s a win-win,” Harry smiled.

Tom turned to Harry. “Okay, what do you want to know?”

“Does she have a boyfriend?”

“No.”

“Great, because Harry Styles is going to be her boyfriend. What’s she like?”

“I told you, mate. She’s well cool. She’s our age, younger than Elena. They work together in DG CONNECT. Real easygoing, sharp brain. I don’t know if she’ll go for you.”

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean?” Harry faked indignation.

“Well, you two decided to set your eyes on women smarter than you, eh? Deal with the consequences.”

“I’m going to go to Brussels to sweep that girl off her feet,” Harry said confidently.

“If ye go to Brussels before I do, Harry, I swear to god…” Jack couldn’t even finish the sentence.

“Relax, mate. I’m your boy, yeah? If anything, I need you to go first, so you can meet her and start throwing compliments my way as I know you can,” Harry smiled at that last bit.

Jack laughed and shook his head.

“Lads, I’m starving. Pizza?”

“Mate, I’ve left the game recording. Want to watch it?” Harry asked.

They agreed.

NEXT: All bets are off

#jack lowden #jack lowden imagine #jack lowden fanfiction #jack lowden x oc #jack lowden x ofc #special guests:#tom glynn carney #and #harry styles #dunkirk cast imagine

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mxsfitss · 5 years

Text

Trauma

One thing I’m starting to learn is that often when it comes to ‘traumatic events’, that it’s not just the one particular event that just stays with you and that eventually you can somehow get over it. I’m also realising it’s near impossible to just ‘get over it’, since subsequent little events after the catalyst (that by themselves would be almost nothing) add to the already existing mental turbulence. I guess in a kind of snowballing effect.

Whilst I hate the ‘victim complex’ with a passion and I can’t stand people feeling sorry for me or acting like/thinking that I’m broken or damaged, I have to admit there are difficult things that I am struggling to deal with, because of this snowballing effect. Every time I think that maybe I have moved past what has happened to me something else ‘triggers’ it, and all these bad memories come flooding back. Now not only do I have all the previous events to try and process, there’s now a new one to add to the pile.

November 2017 I was raped. Even looking at the sentence doesn’t feel real, it doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. Is that because I don’t believe I was actually raped? Maybe it’s because I don’t think I did enough to stop it, or the guy wasn’t aware that I didn’t want to so it technically doesn’t count. Honestly I don’t think he was aware; I froze, I didn’t know what to do even though every fibre in me was screaming to get out. And he probably processed that as consent. Regardless of whether he knew what he was doing or whether it would count as rape in the eyes of the law, someone had sex with me when I didn’t want them to and I’m still feeling the effects of that. I got back together with my ex-boyfriend very shortly after, and whilst he was good at the start, it started to break down. He said on a couple of occasions that he wanted to hit me, and would say awful things when he was drunk that would reduce me to tears but always said he never remembered saying them. One time when I was sobbing on his kitchen floor about what had happened to me saying that it’s all my fault and I didn’t do enough to stop it; his only response was ‘Yeah probably’. Another time we were having sex when drunk and I said something I thought was funny, he stopped and said “I don’t want to have sex with you anymore but I’m going to anyway.” When I got upset about this he proceeded to blame me, saying it was my fault because I always made him feel worthless and disappointing. Which was absolutely not true, since I always went out of my way to make sure he didn’t feel like that. All this contributed to me feeling like my body wasn’t my own and I only had myself to blame for anything done to me.

Even to this day I can only really have sex when drunk (bar maybe once or twice in the 18+ months since it happened). Most of the time when I’m sober the thought of someone touching me repulses me, makes me feel physically sick. Not just because of that one event, but because of the many that would follow.

Late July/early August last year, something similar happened to me again. I was talking to someone in a hostel and he seemed nice. We talked for a few hours and had a few drinks (to the point where I was getting a little bit drunk) and some other men came over to join us. I noticed he started getting extremely jealous when I was talking to the other guys and kept trying to pull me away. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept being very uncertain as to what to do. After each time I pulled away he would say he wouldn’t do it again but then a few minutes later kiss me again. I agreed to go back to his room with him, but in my mind it was only to sleep and cuddle. He had different ideas. When I was falling asleep he tried to undo my shorts and stick his hands down them. When I jumped up, called him out on it and tried to leave he wouldn't let me, so I had to lock myself in the bathroom and call my friend whilst he was banging on the door. She called the hostel reception and got them to escort me back to my room. The thing that really hurt about that event was a male friend blamed me for it, saying I was drunk and I shouldn’t have been drinking with him if he was horny and I shouldn't have gone back to his room. Basically he was saying that it was my fault.

Once again it felt like I was to blame for what was happening. A few days earlier a guy I was with on a night out had repeatedly tried to kiss me even though each time I told him to stop and pulled away. He didn’t care and just kept trying. He even said ‘I can’t believe I’m getting rejected and by a girl from Leeds as well.’ Apparently my consent didn’t matter because of where I came from. And that feeling stuck with me. I have already talked about how a guy I really liked and trusted with the information about what had happened to me once again tried to put his hands down my pyjamas multiple times whilst I stayed over at his. At uni there have been multiple occasions where guys I’ve either slept with or are just sharing a bed with have tried to grope me in my sleep. And now the most recent event: my flatmate and I had been taking cocaine in one of the other flats and had both gone to bed. He messaged me inviting me into his room. I went just to make sure he was okay since he had taken a lot and had been drinking, and laid down next to him. Since he has a girlfriend and the previous events were still in my mind, I stayed a good distance away and on top of the duvet. However he tried to put his hand up my jumper and pull my hand down to his crotch I’m assuming to try and put them down his boxers. I quickly left and got into bed to try and process what had happened. He repeatedly messaged me and even tried to come into my room (luckily I had locked the door). But for the countless time someone didn’t care about my consent. It seemed that men only saw me as something to fuck and I was supposed to just go along with it and let it happen. I have received multiple messages from multiple different people all saying in crude terms how they want to fuck me, people stalking me in clubs, people trying to assault me or grope me, people tricking me into having sex without a condom even when I specifically said to use one. Because people were sexually attracted to me, that was a reason enough to harass me with the goal of getting me to sleep with them. No one cared about my autonomy or even thought it existed. So if no one else respects my body and my right to say yes or no why the fuck should I?

I stayed at a guys flat recently because the journey home was too expensive. He repeatedly kept making passes at me and I repeatedly kept shaking him off. At that point I was used to it so it didn’t bother me too much. But then the next morning he said “That’s something I [rate/respect, I can’t remember which] about you, that you didn’t shag me on the first night.” So there was my confirmation. My attempt to process and counteract what people had done to me by I guess sleeping around a bit, because it was the only way I felt I could get control back of my body and my ability to consent meant that I wasn’t worthy of respect anymore. I didn’t deserve respect before either from my boyfriend or from strangers and now by trying to cope with that by taking control, I was now worth even less.

Someone said to me recently that ‘sex isn’t the end goal here’. I want to believe them, I genuinely do but I can’t. It’s been so long since I felt like I was worth more to men than a quick fuck, and everyone I’ve trusted so far has broken that trust by trying to assault me as soon as my guard is down. A male friend stayed in my bed with me recently, and he rested his hand on my waist. I have known this boy for years, but as soon as he touched me my heart rate just spiked and I froze. I completely trusted him, but someone of the opposite sex touching me especially in bed and when we’d been drinking brought back all these memories and I had to try hard to stop myself from panicking.

Trauma is more than the sum of all it’s parts. Most of the things that have happened to me are relatively small and would be almost inconsequential on their own. But every time a new one is added to the list, I’m forced to relive every single one all over again. It’s ruined my relationships with people, it’s completely destroyed my trust and self worth. The sheer number of times this has happened often makes me think if it’s something I’m doing, there must be something about me that makes people think they can do that. Something about me means I don’t deserve to be seen as a person who can decide for myself what I do or don’t want to do with people. I’m in a catch-22: the only way I can be intimate with people now is by drinking or taking drugs to the point where I don’t think about what could happen and I don’t feel physically sick by the thought of someone touching me. But that also means I’m not in a state to realise when I’m being taken advantage of. I don’t know how to get over this innate fear that someone will try assault me again at the next opportunity but I’m hoping soon I’ll find a less destructive way of processing it.

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dummythikkkk-blog · 5 years

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depresso martini

shit title I know but deal with it.

The people I live with currently stress me out beyond belief. Two people are my absolute rocks (again, you know who you are :) ) and the other two I would love to punch in the face.

signs of discomfort, for lack of a better word...

In the holidays my behaviour became very strange, in short there were a few tell-tale signs of something not being quite right. I bit my nails down to the nail beds, which was so painful I couldn’t even wash dishes without gloves, my psoriasis now doesn’t go away after hand ins, and I clenched my jaw so hard during the day and whilst asleep that I had trouble chewing and now my jaw clicks and gets achy sometimes. So yeah it really do be like that rn.

The reason I hate the fact that all this is happening to me is because I was warned. I was warned that one day my overthinking would begin to affect me (even though I insisted it had no personal effects it was only about others). I was warned that I needed to distance myself from the negative people in my life, it was even suggested I move out - which I choose not to do because it not only lets the other person win, but it means that there is a whole different level of stress put on me in the moving process.

A flatmate (no, not a friend) found my twitter in which at one stage I had been tweeting rather directly about things he did that annoyed me. So far it has been roughly 7 weeks since he found it and has been planning to confront me. Can’t wait, because I want to surprise him with a different reaction than he might be expecting. One where I don’t back down during confrontation and end up reaching a compromise when one wasn’t necessary or warranted. I want to not lash out or say too much, and instead acknowledge what has happened but in doing so not giving away any of myself to that person. I dislike there is a situation in which someone has a perceived upper hand on me and I wish they would just hurry up and talk to me about it, I even dropped that I hate people who don’t bring up issues and instead breed resentment so hopefully that gets through.

Such a small thing, but I really dislike the position I have asserted for myself in the flat. It is one in which I have ended up making flat discussions and being the only one who speaks in them. I completely understand that some people hate confrontation but I equally get frustrated sometimes because I come off somewhat tyrannical when really I speak for multiple people and only want a harmonious or at least civil environment. Mum spent so much time in the holidays trying to advise me on how to not give a fuck about problems that don’t concern me, but it is really difficult in a living environment surrounded by different personalities because at times it seems impossible to escape.

Feeling trapped and not at ease in your own ‘home’ ( I use this term here merely to describe my living situation) is honestly the worst and I can say without being dramatic that it has affected my mental health. I don’t take it lightly that my mum thought I was depressed in the holidays. She has thought it once before and both times I can see why. The first time was in high school when I boarded and would come home crying every weekend because I felt so cut off. The second was in the holidays when I was doing all that weird stuff, like the complete opposite of self-soothing behaviour. I also had planned to get so much done over the holidays and when I barely got any of those tasks completed I felt so hopeless. I also can’t ignore the fact that I was on the verge of tears the day that I had to come back down to Wellington. I nearly cried in public when I went to visit him at work before I left and I said I didn’t want to come back down and then he was like “aw me neither” and like even now I get sad about it.

I just feel a bit stuck in general at the moment, and like small things get to me now when they didn’t normally, and even the fact I didn’t submit some assignment the other day on time like actually made me feel like pure shit. So yeah just all in all not feeling tickity boo at the moment.

Some things I enjoy and am doing for myself at the moment:

Trying to eat a bit healthier- importantly, not being too strict on myself, and making sure I still enjoy what I’m eating but trying to slightly counteract my tendencies towards emotional eating.

Walks! Aiming for about 4 a week at the moment but with definite room for increase! Just need to start exhausting myself so that my hyperactive brain can’t get the better of me.

Self care! - filing my nails, moisturising, being gentle on my skin (my face is a bit rashy at the moment) about to re-do my nails as they look a bit busted atm.

Quiet time - trying to establish some points in the day when I can get away and be by myself for a bit.

Sleep meditation - Sleep with Me podcast is so great, this guy just literally babbles in monotone until I drift off, much better than the bullshit in my head that keeps me up!

Being with people whose company I enjoy - walking buddies, people to hang out with, chats that don’t revolve around the negative. MY SISTER!! we cannot stand to live with each other but I live for our weekly catch-ups, and coming clean to her recently was nice, good to get it off my chest. I felt bad because in the holidays, I was being quite negative towards her and admittedly it was a bit uncalled for, but the way I explained it was literally like I can’t even be kind to myself at the minute, what with my nail biting etc, I’m not sure I even have the ability to be kind to others right now.

And so for me, the way I am coping is distance, although with this growing glaringly obvious, I may have to aim for a slightly different version - indifference. Not letting little annoyances get to me and just brushing off the negative vibes so that I can function in a room with people, but not feeling the need to engage much further. It’s honestly past being something personal, and rather a coping strategy for myself only, and frankly that’s not anyone else’s business but my own. I welcome the chance to be challenged on this front and to justify my behaviour because finally I am deciding to do better for myself and not anyone else.

fingers crossed, breathing deeply, I push on x

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littledonkeyburrito · 6 years

Text

A slang term or just a regular word that means butt

1. Did the last type of shoes you wore have laces? Yeah 2. How much money did you spend yesterday? 6.27 euros. I went to the cinemas and also bought a 17c bottle of water. Because apparently the only snack I need at the cinemas in spain is a bottle of water. 3. Are you CPR certified? In australia, yes. 4. What genre is your favorite movie? Comedy, but it has to be the right type of comedy. 5. Are you messaging anybody right now? Yeah, 2 people

6. Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? I have surprisingly good ID photos, so yeah. 7. What’s your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie? I don’t think I have a favourite but I do prefer to eat something that takes a long time to eat so that my hands are busy and I don’t pick pimples or whatever 8. When was the last time somebody hit on you? When I was in central america. Guys were so much more keen on me there than I’m used to. 9. Was the last person you met a male or female? Uhhhh I do not recall 10. Which one of your friends do you feel most comfortable around? Maggie 11. Do you own a map of the world? Only on my phone 12. What brand is your underwear? Probably Kmart homebrand

13. Is the light on in the room you’re in? Yep 14. Who did you last spoon with? Panama Guy.

No wait, that’s a lie. I spooned with Madrid guy a couple of days after I got home and he stayed with me for the weekend. 15. Are you currently watching TV? I don’t even own a tv. 16. Have you ever had surgery or stitches? Neither 17. Do you own any clothing that has animal print? Not unless plain black counts as animal print

18. Does your family eat dinner together? Considering that my parents split up when I was 6 and also I live on a different continent to them, no. 19. Where do you work? I currently do not. 20. Are you in high school? Fuck to the No. 21. Do you have a TV in your room? I don’t have a tv in my apartment. 22. Are any of your electronics charging right now? My laptop is on charge but is on full battery.

23. What was the last video game you played? Pokemon X in spanish.

24. What did you last put on a piece of toast? My toaster doesn’t work properly but the last thing I put on a piece of bread was nutella last night

25. What did you put in your last smoothie? I have literally never made a smoothie for myself. Only ones my parents made for me growing up

26. What stores would you say you buy from the most? Mercadona - my grocery store

27. What’re some TV shows that you would like to get into? There are so many things on my netflix list

28. Is there a movie you’d like to see? The new kingsman

29. What’s the most recent email in your inbox? Something from my bank

30. What’s the last thing you Googled? "culo” because I was trying to find out if it’s a slang term or just a regular word that means butt.

31. What was the last thing you watched on Netflix or Hulu? The Good Place.

32. Do you follow any celebrities on Twitter? I don’t use twitter but I follow several on instagram

33. What was the last flavor of pudding or yogurt you ate? Kiwifruit yoghurt.

34. What color are your shirt and pants? Shirt is demin blue, pants are black

35. What color were the last pair of shoes you wore? Grey and black striped

36. Anything exciting coming up? Literally nothing 37. What numbers does your password on here have? How about no

38. This time tomorrow, what will you be doing? Watching netflix probs

39. Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? Money 40. Have you ever texted a landline phone by accident? Yes I used to accidentally text my dad’s homeline all the time and wonder why he hadn’t responded 41. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. 42. What color is your garage? I do not have a garage. My building does not have a garage. 43. Have you ever played laser tag? Yeah 44. Do you pick out your outfits for the next day the night before or the AM? Depends on what I’m dressing for. If it’s a job interview or something then I’ll sort it out the night before. 45. Do you wear earrings? Yep 46. Is your wifi protected? Yes because this is not 2007 47. What did you have for lunch today? Noodles 48. Does your phone have a cover on it? Nope, I live dangerously. 49. What colour was your swim suit this year? I have a black bikini top, and floral boardshorts 50. How many bedrooms does your house have? 1, kind of 51. Do you have any pictures of you and your friends in your bedroom? No

52. Did you and your family go on many road trips when you were younger? To fraser Island with my dad a few times a year

53. Do you own any Funko Pop! figurines? I used to but I gave them to my mum when I left aus

54. How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? I had 2 dogs growing up . They were sisters and they were border collie x golden retreiver. In the past 6 years a few flatmates have had dogs or cats but they weren’t mine so I don’t think they really count.

55. Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? My dad makes musical instruments but cannot play any. Mum played piano as a kid but didn’t continue with it and probably could not play anything now.

56. What’s your favorite color and what items do you own in that color? My favourite colour is purple and I own a button up in purple and also most of my undies are purple for some reason. 57. What brand or designer is your purse and/or wallet? Fossil 58. Can you crack crab legs without a tool? Maybe with my teeth? I’ve never tried 59. How many light sources are in the room you’re in? 4 light bulbs plus the light on the stove overhead, the oven , the microwave, and the flashlight on my phone.

Before (first line) and After (second line), 2 years ago; Today

60. How old is the last person you kissed? 22 35

61. What is the last movie you watched? Who the fuck can remember what movie I watched 2 years ago Thor Ragnarok

62. Are you happy? Sure Sure

63. What’s one thing that you really want to do? Move to Spain Spend several months travelling from Mexico to southern Argentina

64. Is your cell phone right by you? Yeah it would have been because I needed to respond quickly to anything from work. Yes, habit from my old job.

65. What are you wearing on your feet? How fucking good do you think my memory from 2 years ago is??? Orange, black and white socks

66. Did you ever waste too much time during the day? My job was pretty much all about wasting away the 12 hours of my shifts because there was almost never anything to do. I currently have no job so I apply for a few each day and then fuck around online for the rest of the day

67. Do you like cuddling? With people I’m romantically/sexually involved with With people I’m romantically/sexually involved with

68. Do you sleep with one leg out from under the covers? Depends on the weather Usually, yes

69. Where’d you get the shirt your wearing now? I don’t know what I was wearing 2 years ago It was Big W or Kmart or Target or something

70. Did you get at least eight hours of sleep last night? Depends on work, I don’t remember Yes.

71. When is your next long road trip? I don’t think I had anything planned but about 8 months later, Maggie and I road tripped around Tasmania. I have no road trips planned.

72. Ever kissed someone who’s the first name starts with an “A” or “C”? Yes and yes. Still yes and yes. A couple of new A’s but no new C’s.

Just regular questions again:

73. Do you have a common first name? Sure do

74. Do you like your middle name or your first name more? I’m used to my first name but my middle name is prettier

75. What year would/did you turn 21? 2015

76. Can you see your veins through your skin? Yeah, I’m pretty fucking pasty

77. Would you rather live in an apartment or a duplex? Depends where I’m living and who with. I’ve lived in both.

78. Do you like spicy chips? Yeah

79. Do you wear more pink or yellow? I hate wearing both of those colours but probably pink

80. What’s the last thing you bought besides food/drink? Some household items

81. Who scheduled your last doctor visit? I did

82. What’s the last funny movie you watched? Thor 3 was pretty funny. Taika Waititi did really well.

83. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Of course

84. What is the design on your shirt? No design, it’s just blue denim

85. What is the origin of your last name? Blacksmiths

86. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Ears I guess, but I don’t really care

87. What country do you live in? Spain

88. Did/do you ride the bus to and from school? I did from grade 9 onwards.

89. What band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see? Literally none of them.

90. If you were in a band, which role would you be? Drummer. I’d love to get back into playing drums.

91. Would you ever consider prostitution as an occupation? For the money maybe, but I think I’d be pretty bad at it because I think people are awful so I’d be terrible at the conversation part of it. I have a friend that’s a high end gay escort and he lives such a luxurious life but I really just don’t think I’d be able to do it.

92. If you could relive one year of your life, which would it be? This year. It’s been fun as fuck.

93. What makes your heart beat faster? Attractive boys getting close to me

94. Are you a one night stand or serious relationship type person? I’m more of a casual fling type person. Relationships are not really my style and one night stands kinda just seem like a waste of a dude that I’m clearly attracted to.

95. What is the one thing that you need to do to die happy? I keep reminding my parents that if I die on holiday, I’ve died happy. It did not seem to comfort them when they were convinced I was going to get kidnapped in Colombia.

96. What’s the riskiest thing you’ve ever done? Probably unprotected sex

97. What’s your standard excuse for not doing something? Don’t want to /can’t.

98. What is one moment you wish you could have taken a picture of? That amazingly colourful bruise I got on my shin/ankle when I was 14

99. What place holds the most memories for you? Probably Fraser Island for my childhood.

100. Who was your first date? My first actual date was only about a year ago with that ripped guy that I dated.

101. What’s the best trip you’ve ever been on? I’ve been on some seriously awesome trips but the absolute best has to have been my most recent trip in central/south america.

102. What languages do you speak? English & español

103. How many ex’s do you have? Really depends on definition. Anywhere between 2 and 6

104. Do you swear? How much? More than I should because I worked with bogans for 3 years

105. Have you ever had food poisoning? Once and it was fucking awful, but actually not that bad as far as food poisoning goes.

106. Do you like snakes? Snakes are super rad

107. Do you gossip? I used to at work because there were just so many morons in that company

108. Do you like to party? I sure fuckin do

#Other potential titles:#I’m pretty fucking pasty #he lives such a luxurious life but I really just don’t think I’d be able to do it #It did not seem to comfort them when they were convinced I was going to get kidnapped #Snakes are super rad

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