#ive also done some amatuer VA but it was a very specific voice and like I said I have a fem lean andro voice so again not much you can chang | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theautistichalflinghole · 3 months

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Something I've been thinking about lately is like, how my gender presentation affects me as a performer.

I love the performing arts, acting, singing, improv, dance, everything, and I've pretty much done everything at some point. I'm a high schooler now and am working to pursue it professionally and the main way I can do that rn is performing in choir and drama at my school or in the occasional summer camp. This past year, I've been in my schools SSAA choir, was King Theseus in a production of midsummer, ensemble in The Little Mermaid, and am planning to do a production of "Freaky Friday" over the summer.

The thing is, how I can present as a performer vs in my day to day life changes drastically. Generally I present pretty androgynous/masculine leaning. I'm hairy and don't shave (partially for sensory reasons), I wear loose clothing made for comfort (Graphic tees, sweats, big jackets and coats, etc), and my hair is cut in a short androgynous style. I don't typically get adressed with masculine terms or pronouns, but this is mainly because of my feminine body type, (given) name, fem leaning voice, and the fact that I just don't meet a lot of new people who don't know that I am afab and assume fem. But generally yes, if I'm wearing something that doesn't show my body type I get treated as more masculine by those who don't know me.

In choir, this doesn't affect me, we don't have a uniform beyond wearing concert black, the only thing that affects my position is my voice part, which places me with the sopranos. (We also are just generally largely queer with a very cool director lmao). In plays, it does somewhat, I have only performed in two plays with this school (and honestly generally, youth theatre is usually limited to musicals) but I have been cast in more masculine roles in ensemble or just recently Theseus. I binded (well "binded", with 1-2 tight sports bras) in that role, but it was mostly to get into character as well as to just fit myself into the suit jacket I had for the chatacter. My masculine presentation works with my semi fem speaking voice and there hasn't been any roles where I felt I didn't fit (especially in this production, where we gender bended for a saphic Lysander and Hermia).

In musicals however, I feel like things change, and typically feminine voice part clashes with masculine presentation. Characters who are masc are typically played be tenors and bases while fem is associated with sopranos and altos. This hasn't come up yet, little mermaid had a very large ensemble where they truly just tried to fit anyone somewhere and ended up with several fem people with higher voice parts in fathoms below as sailors, and pre highschool, and especially pre pandemic gender awakening, my roles were pretty much feminine or "youre one of the 5 students with previous experience play a tenor in our tiny underfunded school production". And while I haven't had any gripes with casting (I quite literally asked for an ensemble part due to my workload at the time, and we had an extremely talented principle cast), I worry in future productions like Freaky Friday where gender roles are more hard and fast, how I present genderwise out of a production could affect my chances of a larger part.

I'm not expecting roles to be handed to me, I don't pretend that I should get every single large role or that I need to or "deserve to" break out of the ensemble, but at a certain point I just get anxious about whether decisions are made purely by what I can do.

I don't even dislike femininity or presenting as such, I use all pronouns and terms and on occasion will wear things like dresses and makeup for the purpose of being fem (I have this one thats like puffy sleeved with mushrooms that I adore, usually wear it with like a corset and some heels, also I wear like a lot of crop/bra tops but those feel andro/masc when I wear them wierdly enough). But for me femininity feels more performative, like something fun for a special or formal occasion, or in some cases the gender I occasionally gravitate towards when my gender decides to be fluid instead of just "none gender left boobs" once in a blue moon. I don't know how I feel about doing things like shaving or wearing more fem clothing to look a part, especially shaving because that's more permanent and takes a lot of energy from both the work and the sensory experience (especially when I am naturally very hairy). I will perform as fem without any question, but altering my lifestyle/presentation for a longer time like this just makes me feel anxious, Ive done this maybe once since I had any sort of awareness of my gender queerness and I dont exactly look forward to figuring out trial and error style whether on not it gives me any sort of disphoria (especially when I already know my Dad, who is very open about preffering when I present feminine, would make a huge fuss about it), or even any sensory discomfort when I havent done this in so long and last time I did there was some.

Idk sorry if this is long and incoherent (can you tell I have adhd from the amount of parentheses and commas lmao), but idk I've just been feeling kinda anxious about this lately, if anyone has any stories, experiences, or advice around this sort of thing I would love to hear it.

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