#its the same thing every year but every time i have to get my stuff out of my dorm room and move out it comes along w a mini mental breakdo

[crguang]

ocean eyes

You’ve never seen the ocean. Kafka introduces you to it.

fluffy as fawk, recycled the idea from that fic but it’d be like a prequel technically, 2.3k words

A/N: couldn’t stop thinking about kafka loving the sea she’s made for me atp. title only makes sense because of the other fic lol

The sea breeze washes over your being, it caresses each strand of hair and softly touches your skin like gentle hands cupping your cheeks. You feel it in your ears, a sound you’re hearing for the first time; its warmth seems to enter your lungs and clear it of past impurities with every inhale, and you wish to take a deep breath to keep it inside your chest forever.

The sensation leaves you immobile. In front of you, the ocean. A myth come true, its beauty rivaling Idrila’s. It’s vast, bigger than your mind can comprehend even after so many years spent traveling the cosmos, and a deeper blue than the sky it’s reflecting. Water has never been so alive, with waves crashing on the shore and currents on the horizon, you are facing an entity larger than life. Its depths create and harbor life that you won’t ever get to see. Your mortal eyes can only perceive a fraction of it, so small and significant. You didn’t think it was possible for water to kiss the sky, having the proof before you fills you with wonderment. Among it, some strange feeling nestles in your throat. You stand as it curls around your vocal cords and leaves you mute. Words are useless in front of something so grand, you realize, they fade away as if they've never existed at all. You lose yourself in cold blues and the occasional whites of flying seagulls, in salty air that quickly becomes your favorite scent, and you can’t speak for a long moment.

Lithe fingers, laced with your calloused ones, tighten their hold on your hand. It takes a couple blinks to tear your eyes away from the boundless sea, and you turn to Kafka’s fond smile. She’s watching you, drinking you in like you’re the precious sight and not the limitless expanse of water on the coast. A thumb swipes over the crease of your eye, lingering at the corner for a second too long, and you realize she’s wiping a tear away.

“Oh,” you exhale softly, bringing your free hand to your face. Your cheeks are wet with silent tears and you sniffle as you wipe them from your skin. “I didn’t even notice.”

“What were you thinking about so intently just now?”

You look back at the sea, an ache in your throat. The sun hides behind thin clouds and paints the world in soft colors.

“I was wondering if my planet was ever this pretty. I wish my mother could have seen it.”

Your home world fell victim to a Stellaron, like plenty throughout the galaxy. It dried most of your rivers and evaporated many of your lakes, transforming seas into lands full of sand. Water was a limited resource and a tedious thing to acquire. You remember stumbling on a picture book with various shades of blue filling some of the pages and asking your mother about it. That evening, she explained the ocean to you; never-ending, deeper than mortals can comprehend and filled with creatures your childish mind could merely compare to alien life. You thought she was making stuff up, maybe embellishing a mundane truth, but she spoke of the sea with the same tenderness she used to tuck you into bed. As you grew, you understood that it was longing in her words, a deep desire for something she would never experience in this lifetime. To you, it felt pointless to yearn for something she didn’t know; your mother was born long after the Stellaron infected your planet and spread its cancer to the roots of your world. You didn’t understand how this desire was born, where it came from. Yet, in her eyes resided a wistfulness that was only extinguished the day she died. She left the waking world longing for the sea, and memories of her constrict your chest as you stand at the edge of it.

Kafka hums, pivoting to face the water. A gentle silence settles between you as you watch the waves rise and fall on the shore. Her bare palm is warm against yours, it grounds you to the sand beneath your feet. Seagulls make a grating sound, you discover, but even their squawking can’t ruin the view before you. You feel a sudden restlessness to touch the water, to have it envelop you entirely until you feel yourself disappear in it as if absorbed.

“Can we go in the water?”

Kafka smiles. “Sure.”

Your hand slips from hers and you step out of your slides, sinking your toes into the hot sand of the beach. Sand is something you’re familiar with, it reminds you of your mom and your broken world. Comfort fills you with every step towards the waves. Kafka follows beside you, used to the sights and the sensations. She comes here every summer, but this is the first time she’s brought you along. You understand why she’d want a place like this all to herself, it brings forth a sense of serenity best enjoyed in solitude. Or, at least it did, before. Before experience brought you closer.

You hesitate somewhat once you reach the water. Your feet are submerged in it and suddenly its vastness becomes a little terrifying. Kafka walks in further until she’s standing waist deep in the water, circling hands creating ripples around her. She turns to face you with a silent question on her stretched lips.

“…I don’t know how to swim,” you confess uselessly, prompting a chuckle out of her. She knows that, obviously, since you’re unfamiliar with large bodies of water.

“We can stay on the shallow end. Don’t want you drowning on my watch, I’d get in a lot of trouble with the others.”

Kafka holds out her hand. You take it with some reticence. She brings you close enough for wet fingers to squeeze your waist affectionately. Her easy expression makes you at ease, she seems different on this planet, more carefree. She’s not wearing her contacts and her ponytail is lower than usual, its tie looser around her long locks of hair. You’re privy to a side of her you had no idea existed and you’re honored by the trust she puts in you.

“Nice, right?”

“It’s cold,” you reply, looking down at your wobbly reflections.

“Mm, I like it.”

You dip your hands beneath the water and turn your palms to the sky. Algae brushes against your calves as you move around. Kafka lets you explore, head tilting back to face the sun. You venture a bit further until your neck is the only thing sticking out of the water. Impulsively, you squeeze your eyes shut, pinch your nose with two fingers and sink into the water. Every sound is muffled in your ears, and in the darkness everything is pointless. This is different from a shower or being caught in the pouring rain, you feel light. weightless, insignificant. You wonder if that’s what your mother longed for, this freedom to be anything and anyone, drifting through the boundless sea. You emerge with a little gasp, rubbing the water out of your eyes before blinking them open.

You’re careful not to stray too far from where Kafka is drinking in the faint sunlight. Her eyes are closed when you glance back at her, chin tilted to the heavens. Her shoulders have turned a rosier color from the sun and her dark, backless bathing suit contrasts beautifully with the clear ocean blue. You walk towards her, flicking your wrist to send water flying her way. Her brows twist for a second before she looks at you with a small smile. Kafka always smiles a lot, more often than not to unsettle her opponent or prey, but there’s a softer edge to the ones she’s had since you arrived on this planet.

“What do you usually do here?” You ask, moving closer to her.

“Float. Wanna try?” Kafka holds onto your waist when you’re close enough to reach, pulling you towards her. “I can show you.”

“I don’t want to drown.”

“You’re not going to drown.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Kafka playfully rolls her eyes and takes hold of your chin with a few fingers. Her gaze follows the movement of her thumb across your jaw, then flicks up to meet yours.

“I wouldn’t let you,” she says, leaning in to press her lips on yours in a soft kiss. Your eyes flutter shut as her mouth slowly moves against yours. She pulls away after a moment and looks at you. “Do you trust me?”

“At times.”

“Well, trust me now.”

One of her hands is placed on the small of your back to support you, the other gently guides you onto your back by applying pressure on your chest.

“What if I float away,” you say, a tinge of panic enveloping you, and you grab her wrist to stay upright.

Kafka can’t help the amusement on her face. “To where?”

“Far, I don’t know.”

“Would you miss me?”

You pout. “It’s a valid fear to have.”

“It’s really not.”

“What if I float to the deep end, then it’s too late to come back and I drown because I can’t swim?”

Kafka looks at you for a moment, eyelids lowering and an amused smile on her lips. She doesn’t say anything, just stares at you like she’s thinking of something funny.

“What?” You ask, eyes narrowing.

“You killed three flying beasts twice your size at once, last week. You're scared of a little water?”

“Fuck you,” you try pushing her away, but she only presses you further into her with her arms around your waist, a laugh escaping her. “There’s nothing little about the fucking ocean.”

“Relax,” she drawls, “it won’t work if you’re tense.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing.”

Kafka curls a hand around the back of your neck and suddenly brings you closer to capture your lips with hers. Her head tilts to kiss you better, and you can’t focus on anything but the sweet kisses she presses against your mouth. Your wet hand trails up her spine, causing droplets of water to slide down her back. Your lips part to deepen the kiss when her tongue swipes over your bottom lip. You forget the argument, your muscles relax as her chest touches yours, and by the time she pulls away with a soft exhale through her nose, you almost forget your surroundings. You chase her lips as she leans back, planting a few more chaste kisses on her mouth. She indulges you for a minute, the fingers on your nape tightening their grip for an instant. You’re breathing heavier when she separates from you for good and smiles.

“Now, let’s try it again, mmh?”

Kafka teaches you how to float in the water with firm hands and occasional teasing jabs to which you would respond if she wasn’t the one standing between you and drowning. In the end, you spend most of the day at sea, learning how to keep water from going up your nose without using your fingers and the basics of swimming. Your fingertips are pruned hours later as you emerge from the water. Kafka’s still under— you bet on who could hold their breath the longest— so you dive back beneath the surface as quietly as you can. She calls you a cheater afterwards, but you distract her with wet, slippery kisses.

You’re drying yourselves on the beach as the sun sets below the horizon. You sit on your towel next to Kafka, who’s reclined on her elbows. Her eyes are closed, not a crease between her brows, and her head is tilted upwards. Before, you thought she was sunbathing, but now the temperature is slightly lower than this afternoon and the sun is no longer visible in the sky. You think perhaps she’s simply enjoying the sound of the waves and the salty air like you did earlier. It’s funny, she hasn’t told you what this place means to her; it clearly holds some sort of significance if she returns to it annually. Her way of revealing herself is unconventional at best and a little clumsy, like a fawn taking its first steps. She presents you the sea, this part of her she keeps hidden from everyone, and says nothing else. You watch the lines of her nose, the curves of her lips and their pretty pink color. Her face is bare from any makeup, her hair loose and her expression so relaxed she might’ve been asleep. She’s beautiful. You’re no longer gazing at the ocean, though you feel a familiar sense of wonder as you observe her. Your heart is light in your chest and you suddenly understand how your mother could yearn for something she’s never experienced before.

Kafka’s eyes slowly blink open. She tilts her head to meet your stare with a smile, and you long to love her like your mother longed for the sea.

“Let’s stay a little longer.”

You nod. Your limbs move before you can stop yourself; you straddle her waist, sitting on her lap and snaking your arms around her back. Kafka lets you bury your nose in the crook of her neck, using a hand in the sand to support the both of you.

“What’s that for?” There’s a teasing lilt to her voice as you breathe in the smell of the sea on her skin.

“Nothing,” you lie, pressing a kiss to her skin.

Your mouth trails up her neck to her jaw, tasting salt, and Kafka hums when you kiss her lips. It feels different to kiss her after getting acquainted with the ocean because you finally have something to compare the weightlessness that overwhelms you with each of her fervish kisses. A hand tangles itself in your hair, pulling you closer until she reclines on the ground and your body follows without missing a beat, lips locked.

You pull away to breathe in, only slightly, reveling in the sensation of her hand up your back.

“You’ll get sand in my hair,” Kafka mutters into your mouth.

“I’ll wash it for you.”

On a deserted beach and with the sea as your witness, you kiss her until the moon ascends in the sky and the waves grow stronger behind you.

#honkai star rail #hsr kafka #hsr x reader #hsr #kafka x reader #hsr fluff #hsr x you #kafka x you #kafka fluff #hsr fanfic

[lilithhb]

🫀Experiences;

One night, in a room.

Years ago I went to a school trip with some friends.

I had these friend who I loved a lot during that time, I am a very loving person so I remember hugging him a lot and he would do the same. It was nice because he was taller than me so I could listen to her heart every time I wanted to by hugging him.

As I’ve had a heart condition for a time now he always took care of me making sure that I felt okay. Something that beyond cardiophilia I always found it cute.

“Did you take your pills?” “Make sure not to eat much junk food” “How is your heart?” “Everything okay with your dumb pump” are small examples of the things he used to say to me. I had that trust in which I would lie next to him and sometimes he would put his hand on my chest while doing stuff, feeling my heart. Something that I told him made me feel safe.

I remember the movement of his hand going up and down following my heartbeat as Ive always had a visible heartbeat.

I remember him getting worried when my heart decided to skip some beats while his hand rested on my chest. “Its fine” I would say, “It does that sometimes” and the he would say that it should not happen again as if I could control my heartbeat hehe….

During that trip he was extra careful with me. We had long walks and he would always walk next to me as I would get tired easily because of my condition. My heart always beating erratically with skips and pauses with the sun making me a sweat mess. He would take my wrist to feel my pulse just to know about my condition. One time he even putted his palm against my chest to feel it directly while he told me I should follow his breathe to calm my heart.

One afternoon after one of those long walks both of us sneaked into his room (girls and boys could not share room during this trip for obvious reasons) to rest and talk. We had small conversations but I was too tired to keep the dialogue going, so after a small silence he got closer and laid his hand on my chest once again. My heart beating strong following a fast pace.

“Does it hurt?” He asked, I started blushing for some reason, it never actually mattered to me that he put his hand on my chest but somehow I felt more vulnerable this time. “No, I mean yeah kinda” I reply. “You should rest then…”

I don’t really remember who things went, but we lay down on his bed, where after some time trying to sleep he would sit and watch me straight to my eyes asking me if he could listen to my heart. My heart started to race more in answer to the question, which I stuttered to reply with a yes.

He would lay his head on my chest while his hand rested on my wrist. I remember that I was having an arrhythmia during that time, so he would comment about every skip and rhythm change my heart would make, he told about how beautiful it was for him to listen the one thing that keeps working so hard, and kinda poorly, to keep me alive.

I remember his breathing, his head moving up and down my every shake my chest had in response to hard little pump. His attempts to follow my heartbeat with smalls “pump pum” coming from his mouth.

I loved every second of it. I never felt soy listened in my life. And we stayed like that for hours until the night came. I did fall sleep at the end, when I woke up I was hugging his head against my chest, with my heart beating slowly with the same pace of his breathing.

This was my attempt of writing some of my cardiophile experiences, sorry for the bad English I am not a native speaker;;; I have many more to tell so perhaps this is only the first of many posts with my experiences, who knows?

#cardiophilia #heartbeat #dark cardiophilia #female heartbeat #irregular heartbeat #stething #heart murmur

[batfamhyperfixation]

Imagine if Tim "Public Figure and CEO of Wayne Enterprises" Drake had to take his boyfriend Bernard "Agent of Chaos (I swear, no pun intended)" Dowd on a PR-suggested interview after the public finds out they are dating, like-

Interviewer: And what is your favorite pastime, Bernard?

Bernard, who swore before the interview that he would not say anything that would make either of them look bad or cause a controversy: watching Tim read conservapedia and get angry

#my friends the queer experience is merely reading conservapedia and being amuzed by how hilariously awful it is before shoving it in the #face of your most easily upsetable queer friend and watching them read it. one of my friends was so angry she wrote rebuttals to every #point all in one sitting. #tim would be like aww bernard is in a bad mood i gotta overreact to cheer him up then he would promptly forget that when he reads #that the earth was created 6000 years ago and dinos and humans lived at the same time. he would promptly lose his shit. not to mention #their homosexual agenda page like i swear it is so awful it's actually funny cause you're sitting there like this has gotta be a satire #the entire website is just the funniest thing i have ever read #tim and Bernard will randomly joke about it usually like 'whats on the agenda today' or the 'gee brain what do ya wanna to do today?' #and then the other will start quoting stuff from conservapedia but they dont tell people its quoted so people are getting concerned #tim drake #bernard dowd #timber #timbern

[devilsskettle]

i feel like i’ve been WAITING for the other shoe to drop wrt people’s opinions about watcher for this very reason. not that i think the reaction is completely not understandable but the greater the parasocial relationship, the greater the fallout as soon as public opinion shifts. you don’t have a relationship with these people they’re just content creators, chill

#ready to see all the people coming out of the woodwork to say how they’ve never liked watcher/unsolved/etc #and act like it’s ‘cringe’ now that their fanbase feels ‘betrayed’ #it’s great to have a fanbase but parasocial relationships will bite you in the ass every single time #it’s interesting too though because i’ve seen watcher have a LOT of support as they’ve tried to build something separate from buzzfeed #so this is the first time they’re getting real pushback about a decision they’ve made wrt shifting their platform/expanding their brand #so ig we’ll have to see how they react moving forward #but it’s soooo interesting to see how enthusiastically people dump on buzzfeed #AND how many people dump on youtube and how over the years so much of its functionality has been stripped away #how many ads you have to sit through. how much sponsored content there is now. etc #but when they try to do the same thing with youtube that they did with buzzfeed it’s like how dare you not lick their boots #because if you lick their boots and we lick their boots we can watch stuff for free #anyway. #even if you don’t any to say it’s a bad business decision. it’s not like there’s not precedent for it #1) the move away from buzzfeed was successful and 2) what about the dnd shows or whatever #don’t you guys watch those dnd shows that are ‘behind a paywall’ #don’t you guys have netflix hulu disney hbo amazon etc ad nauseum that are actually owned by billion dollar corporations #don’t you guys get on your high horses about supporting independent artists all the time #it’s interesting that people will profess to be such big fans!!! and feel like they’re friends!!!! #but how dare they think their work might be worth paying for #idk. idk. it’s entitlement though #sorry for the rant i’m ALSO not trying to blindly defend a bunch of people i don’t know #but you guys are being soooo fucking annoying about it lol #anyway i’m still waiting to see what their response is going to be from here before jumping to conclusions #also to be fair i am biased to be lenient about decisions made by independent filmmakers vs big studios etc #like everybody freaking out about the ai art used in late night with the devil. who cares honestly #‘they should’ve paid a real artist!!’ idk maybe their budget didn’t cover that #i don’t want it to become the industry norm but at the end of the day i would rather see indie shit getting made then only seeing #the big studios (who don’t have equitable practices anyway!!) making shit #but that’s another conversation. just to be transparent about my viewpoint on this kind of thing #maybe controversial but also can’t we have nuance. for once.

[wild-at-mind]

Not to talk about MRA-lite spaces again but I'm going to need everyone to understand that in these spaces, the subtext of 'men don't get to talk about their problems' is ALWAYS 'and it is women's fault!'

#my time in the MRA-lite saltmines returns to me yet again whenever i see the transandrophobia side of tumblr #look- it's just the same stuff ok? Or maybe i'm just biased because it triggers me the fucking same no matter who is saying it #also please note i'm saying MRA-lite and not MRA- I understand that MRA usually has connotations of violence for people #MRA-lite is nothing like that it's just a load of talking about men's issues but without any of the context #the very important context that you need to place the issues into wider society and its effect on everyone and not just men #these spaces may not be violent but they are quite pointless and the conversations never ever go anywhere #and it's been the same like 5 conversations for the past 15 years and no doubt much longer but that's as far back as i go with it #every time someone discovers the 5 or so men's issue they act like they just converted to a religion or something #and bring it up in everything. I was like that too at like 21 i promise i get it! but now i look back and CRINGE #and i am a guy now! ok? I get it that a lot of people are transmasc doing this i get why! but..... #i just wish it was less of a Thing. and i genuinely find it triggering. #because i do fucking care ok? i have academic books about some of the 5 or so men's issues on my bookshelf! #because actually there are people writing these books and they do care! #i had someone a while ago saying it was 'sad' to see a trans man talk like i do on this so i explained where i'm coming from #and they never came back so i will never know if they saw my point of view and that kind of sucked #hopefully that won't happen again- i really don't like arguing with other transmasc people (i like discussions though) #anyway i'll stop rambling now

[thatonebylershipper]

my mom is such a silly goose fr

#shes not actually she needs to figure her fucking shit out #i was having executive dysfunction issues and couldnt do ONE thing that she asked me to do since my brother didnt do it before he #left the house like he was supposed to #and so then i was supposed to do it apparently and since i couldnt she started yelling at me and my sister and crying #and playing the victim as always #saying that apparently i never help out around the house even tho i literally do stuff all the fucking time that no one asks me to do????? #anyway like dude i get that you have childhood trauma but you are a grown ass adult and it is your responsibility to work through that and #become a better person for your family #anyway im not upset about making her mad i really dont give a fuck #i mean i know my dad is gonna have something to say to me and my siblings when he gets home later but its the same words every time #so ill be fine #but i am pretty angry that she made my sister cry #she (my mom) locked herself in her room to throw a tantrum like a fucking ten year old 💀 #personal

[jirai-kei-freak]

why does it have to be this way

#Why #I was doing so good this past year #There were times I was literally crying tears of joy because I haven’t felt as happy as I was in years #Now shit’s coming back and I don’t like it #Every fucking time man #“Well life is supposed to have its ups and downs” HAVE YOUVE WENT THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH #summer through all the way to the end of 2023 was one of two of the most miserable times I ever went through #I was almost never happy #Had cheap laughs for like 20 minutes then back to misery #There wasn’t a single day were I didn’t wish i was dead #Literally I would wake up and i immediately wanted to start crying #Thats how bad things were #You could see it in my face how lonely and miserable i was #I hadnt felt that empty for like a good few years since then #It was to the point where I thought there was never going to be light in my life ever again #I went through some fucked up shit and now im traumatized 10x more then i was before #The first day of school was a weak after some extremely traumatic stuff happened man #Then the new year started and everything was starting to get better #I started taking medication #I was much more happier #My self esteem boosted up #I started working on myself and became a better person #I dont think i ever had a period of my life where i felt THAT BETTER #Like I said i was crying because I had felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders #It literally felt like i saw the light #I legitimately thought things were getting truly getting better #It’s just gonna be the same damn cycle over and over again huh? #For several months I feel depressed as shit #Then for a few months things start to clear up #Then suddenly and abruptly things go back to the shit

[minglana]

everytime i post about university it is a call for help

#insert mami ya no quiero ir a la universidad meme #i cant keep on doing this i dont know how to motivate myself to do this #i think its the mix between having to study and knowing im gonna do terrible in the exam #and knowing im gonna have to suffer the entire summer w my mom. like the entire prospect of that is just. so below ideal #its the same thing every year but every time i have to get my stuff out of my dorm room and move out it comes along w a mini mental breakdo #breakdown* #of like. being SO uncertain about my future. bc here i have a set routine where i either go to class or sleep in #and on weekend i just sleep in. meanwhile in the summer its like. i have to come up w a routine every yr #to pretend that im actually doing something. and this yr its worse bc i dont have the 'im studying' excuse #like last yr me subía a uesca somedays to study at the academy and i could spend it outside of my house #while actually being productive yknow. it was a pretty sweet deal even if it couldve been way better #but now. my future is so uncertain for the summer and also for just. the next school yr (in the dorms) #bc i dont like how things are shaping up to be so far (this VERY ANNOYING girl is once again gonna be there) #(and my co-workers are gonna be the same ones. and they do fuck all so ive had to pull more weight than i shouldve this yr #all while the 'boss' didnt really call their attention that much either) #(and it was either i do the things or the dorms kinda stop working as they should) #xarraire #ta esborrar

[finalhaunts]

-

#vent #its so hard to believe that I’m not just inherently unlovable when every relationship i’ve been in has crashed and burned #and twice in a row now its ended with thw other person getting with someone Better. #I think i’m just not cut out for relationships of any kind. whether it be a qpr or romantic #because every time i’ve always absolutely ruined it with my terrible anxiety and ocd #like i’m done trying at this point. if I ever get feelings like that again (which I doubt iwill) I’m just not going to pursue them. #because like whats the point of it if I know it’s just going to end the exact same way it always does #in 5 months at worst and nearly 2 years at best #i wouldnt normally talk about this here but idont really have anyone to talk to about this #i’m probably going to #immediately bury this under a million posts so certain people don’t see this #I don’t know #i think i’m just too much in general for someone to love like that #too anxious too affectionate just too much. and it’s not like i’m pretty or smart to make up for it #people usually only like me because I’m nice. #or because I’m entertaining like a little goddamn court jester #thats it. #and then they get with me and they realize Oh this fucking sucks actually. i’m gonna go now #im supposed to be on vacation i shouldnt be thinking about this i dont WANT to be thinking about this #but some stuff happened with some really fucking bad timing because god hates me and wants to make things worse for me when I’m already #struggling enough #i just wish I was normal and I wish I was good enough #and I wish I wasn’t me because I hate being stuck with myself #i give up.

[timeisacephalopod]

I love my mom but sometimes, for lack of a better way to put it, she acts like an entitled boomer. It's already a peeve of mine when people bitch about kids and what they're bitching about is kids doing completely normal, expected shit for kids to do but my mom takes it a step further and implies my nieces doing normal kid idiocy is like a personal failing and ok. Look, my youngest niece is rammy as hell this kid is a bowling ball and she's here to win, but she's seven. I expect seven year olds to be Like That and be empty head no thoughts until they break something, that's normal. No sense in getting pissed off at a seven year old for acting exactly the way you'd expect them to, but the thing that extra pisses me off is that instead of just making peace with this and teaching any of my nieces where they went wrong and how to fix it my mom just kind of expects literal children to be able to just get some verbal feedback and figure it out?? Like come on now, I have 2 siblings surely she should know zero kids are equipped to get not very useful feedback and figure out how to apply it to everything??

My oldest niece gets it the worst and every time my mom says shit about personal responsibility I want to roll my eyes so hard they pack their bags and go on a vacation to Hawaii because my niece is 12 (almost 13)- if she's not taking 'personal responsibility' then someone didn't teach her how to or at least not in a way that stuck and worked for her. It's actually the adults personal responsibility to teach a child how to develop emotional maturity, not for a kid to be grated about all the damn time like any 12 year old is equiped to be The Most Emotionally Mature Ever. Problem being my mom is NOT good at taking feedback on parenting so if I say anything I gotta wrap it up nice and sweet and make sure it comes off almost more like offering advice rather than criticism, which irritates me because "if your so pissed off about this behavior why don't you do something about it and NO not the only thing you've been trying for years and complaining doesn't work because fucking obviously why do I have to explain this to someone who surely knows far more about parenting than I would" is a lot easier than my methods that aren't working any better than my mom's.

#winters ramblings #the biggest problem is that when i HAVE pointed this out she points ME out. half the time i never even needed to be tokd what for #my susters did dumb sbit and i decided not to do that same dumb shit but like you cant take a particularly smart kid #and decide ALL kids are like that. neither of my sisters were like that especially my middle sister #so like why the hell am i being used as an example here lmao im not relevant in this case #my nieces are not weirdly smart emotionally like i was and id also like to point out HALF MY PARENTS WERE DYING #for nearly all of my childhood that i can remember. im pretty sure THATS what made me Like That. i just had am awareness most kids dont #because most kids arent as unlucky as i was to go through something so harrowing. my sisters also had shit but not like that #their shit i think made it hard for them to do relationship stuff whereas mine made me a snart kid and an extremely distrustful adult #still if youre mad a kid is acting A Fool its the ADULTS job to make sure that kid is bding taught ahat they need to know #in a way THEY understand and put to use. not repeating how YOU understand shit over and over again #my mom is great dont get me wrong but sometimes she does shit and i want to roll my eyes because its so stupid #kids do not naturally posess every adult skill in the book and actually will probably take their WHOLE livesto develop #so instead of being mad a seven year old rams shit around give that kid 80 billion reminders every time theyre rammy #not to do that. drop in an example where they brine so. #something they liked because nothing convinces kids to behave like being reminded that they actually like their stuff #and even then a million more things will break. thata how kids work #if i busted some shit being rammy then that would be that abd id clean it up. kids deserve the same courtesy

[be-good-to-bugs]

having ocs is great until you have to organize them

#the bin #for a long time whenever i would draw i would just draw a body and then add stuff to it #and like never ever redraw ocs #so yiu would think they were throwaway designs but no. i get attached to almost every character i ever make unless they are like super #boring human losers #but now i actually wanna do stuff with the characters and its a pain cause i gotta go through and take pictures and document #most if them dont have nanes either :/ #so ive got over 200 character designs i need to go through scattered about. im probably gonna marge some if them and firget others #n a lot i think will just become fodder. just like a species or group since i did a lot where id draw diffrent ppl wearing the same clothes #some i think ill maybe archive also. ones that i still like as their own thing but arent my style anymore #tbh it makes me kinda sad how i have many hundreds of drawings ive made the past several years but i never posted them #just kinda sad to me. #anyway. this is such a pain in the ass and im not enjoying it. i enjoy organizing stuff bc tism but not when i have to decide subjective #stuff on what to do. i feel like this will be a long project but at the end id like to make some collage style pictures of them and post it #cause i think its a shame i have so many ocs that i never posted. i never even posted strawberry mold! who i drew right after roach #i think this will be helpful also in just having some stuff existing already that i can use for ibuprexulmethane #some of this stuff will only be good npc stuff for yume juso. #ill probably actually make a little game with rooms dedicated to each of them as a little test for making games #i think thatd be fun and cool to have. and i can add to it whenever i make new ones #tbh i think id enjoy sharing that too #nobody cares abt this lol. but i dont have anywhere else to talk abt it so :/

[arolesbianism]

I'm starting to see ppl talk abt updating their artfight pages and at first I was like what why it's still months away and then it hit me that by months it was two months and now I'm just silently sweating as my anual side project to remake the eternal gales refs and give them all icons comes back to haunt me

#rat rambles #oc posting #well I mean the good news is that all the staliens are already done and Ive already started on the human kids #the bad news is that theres still 5 more refs for me to remake and 9 icons if I decide to commit to that #the only one Ill probably force myself to do is sprinkles since shes the only stalien that doesnt have one and I dont want to leave her out #the human kids might just not get them tho especially since theres other characters Id like to make refs and icons for too #not as many newbies to the field this year which is a good thing since I do not have a lot of space left for new characters lol #Im probably going to take it easy this year in terms of my goals for artfight since last year I crashed and burned Hard #hopefully Ill have the time and motivation to draw a decent amount but if I dont Ill try not to be too broken up about it #especially since Ill probably burn myself out a bit doing the last minute ref rush lol #its not necessary especially since all the guys who needed the new refs most got theirs but Id like for them to be on the same page #I also went ahead and cleaned up my page a lil bit to make my life easier in the future #I should probably update bios and stuff but I dont feel like it Im too tired #tomorrow Im definitely going to need to clean some more as I have been for nearly every day #I mean guess thats why Im here in part #last week of pet sitting tho so soon Ill be back home again #Im not sure if Im excited or dreading it cause while I miss my family I also have been rly enjoying a house to myself #like its not necessary easy to do all the chores and stuff but it's a lot easier to do said chores when Im alone #and Ive actually been waking up at reasonable times too like not having my mom floating around is doing wonders #its almost making me rethink my insistence that I couldnt live alone but I definitely think itd get to me in the long term I need people #I just wish there was a better middleground since having people constantly in the house stresses me out so bad #it leads to me hiding out all day in my room and that's just not good for me #but its not like I could live by myself even if I wanted to #at this rate I dont think Ill ever move out but lets not think abt how much worse that could be for me thats future me's problem

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words #im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit #in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything #its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something #and every time its nothing #so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with #ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget #i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years #ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something #and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life #and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over #all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it #im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself #its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring #also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore #the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol #i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh #its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life #my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now #i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be #i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems #that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones #i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day #i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again #i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like #and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here #if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine #but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter #anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that #arent doing anything other then making me miserable

[asexualjedi]

Maybe I can read in the car???!?

I have no clue dog

Should I email about an extension no. Bc like I think I can get the paper done uhhh it will. Well u know I haven’t had a day off since July why start now I’ll just keep hustling.

#as I keep saying graduate school should be illegal I loved my undergraduate classes #like yeah the thesis was from hell I had a rough senior year but like #my classes were hard but like?? I had time to have a life?!? like?!? #I didn’t take any easy a classes bc I knew I’d get bored right and I always took the maximum credit hours like it was fun and challenging #but like I got to sleep?!? I wasn’t just constantly running around with my head cut off trying to at least halfway be kinda caught up #like this sucks?!? this isn’t good?! like what the fuck this is just a great way to amke people hate learning and school #which I personally think is not a good thing to do in a profession that requires continuing education each year and by its nature needs #a love of learning/or at least not hating reading #great way to like get people used to an unhealthy life style #like I’m frustrated. I wish I could just refuse to be in this awful lifestyle but like ??? I need to pass. I’m fighting for my life and #getting bs which sounds good but is apparently just awful and bad in law school for some fucking reason #and like. fuck Im paying so much money #and like if u don’t read or whatver I don’t know what’s going on and then I’m just so lost about everything it sucks!! it’s bad #idk. I’m so pissed about this like law school should be illegal #truly like makes sense #every lawyer I met in undergrad like in my prelaw clssses said I was the smartest person there bc I didn’t plan to go to law school #they said don’t go to law school if u don’t have to don’t be a lawyer it fucking sucks #and I was like well I’m an artist every artist says the same thing too and same with a lot of engineering computer science it just must be #people hate their jobs #no it’s not it’s those other industries lack of unionization/ just hell stuff making it so terrible working conditions and then #law is just a culture of awfulness??! #also like truly not meant for people with disabilities huh I feel accommodated for the first time in my life in only my disability law class #but like Christ almighty #maybe people who don’t have like learning disabilities don’t have to spend like all of their waking time on law school basically #but it’s evil and bad and people shouldn’t have to live like this I’m not even truly mad on my behalf that much #bc I know I’ll be fine at the end of the day right idk. I’ll make it work but also I’m incredibly lucky to be able to like have a place to #live with family and like don’t have to worry too much about like meal planning/cooking all the time right #like I don’t have to worry about a lot of things that are small but build up right #re the spoons and brain power it takes up right #but like people who aren’t this luckily they are truly just set up to fail and if they succeed accept horrible work life balance

[kyoohyeon]

.

#I realized that I have a bunch of u processed feelings bc instead of feeling and dealing with them I have been intellectualizing them #instead and now I have this all figured out in my head but also not really and its low key eating me up lmao #I know I have to deal with all of this bc I keep getting worse and this is going on for a while now.. tbh the weight in my chest is getting #a bit too heavy to handle and I feel shitty #the past 2/3 years have been hard on me.. so much stuff happened at the same time and it broke me #I miss being okay-ish. I've been depressed for so long but not like this.... I know I'm a way colder person now and have been for a while #and I hate it lmao I really miss being warm and feeling comfortable with the people that I love but lately all I can do is shut them down #ffs I can't even hug some of my friends anymore and I know its weird for them because I was not this person at all and I miss how things #were before. I feel like I'm becoming this shitty person who doesnt show affection and quite honestly don't care about things as I used to #and that sucks. I hate how I'm feeling now and the person that I am now but idk how to deal with the feelings that I have stored #and its not like I can talk to people about it because as much as they are willing to listen they wont get it and sharing things with #someone that won't understand won't help me at all. I will just feel like I'm over sharing and like they're judging me lmfao #there's this one friend I could talk to but I already rely on her with so much I dont want to become a bother/burden especially now that #she has some bug stuff coming up and has to focus on that #idk I just want to be alone 24/7 and every time someone asks to meet up I feel pressured and stressed out bc I'm not in a headspace to be #with other people and being a people pleaser on top of that doesn't help bc I end up saying yes and it just makes me even more frustrated #I'm just not okay enough to pretend and have a good time or listen to other people's problem right now.... damn I even feel shitty for #saying that.... #idk I need to figure out how to deal with this first bc its killing me and I'm constantly feeling like a piece of shit #meh I wish time travel was a thing bc as much as I'm a believer of not going back in time to change things bc they made me who I am I would #be willing to do that now #anyways.... #if anyone sees this no you don't #I just needed to write it out

[a-aexotic]

HEYYYY! So like every other mf on the planet right now I am in my hunger games era!!

Please could you write a Finnick x Reader where she is selected for the quarter quell (Maybe in her games she was lethal and killed like 10+ people?)

And when Katniss shoots the arena in catching fire she gets taken by the capitol (Like Peeta) and they torture her and shit? Then Finnick and her get there reunion she’s all like battered and bruided and it’s dead sad? Not sure if this made sense because i’m half asleep and dyselxic but let me know😭🤣

Maybe he says “It’s okay baby i got you” ??? x

hey of course i can! i hope u enjoy it babe <3 its a tiny bit long! my apologizes

cw's: angst, mentions of killing/dying, typical thg stuff, torture, ptsd, lmk if i missed anything

You were one of the youngest victors alongside Finnick, being only 15 and having won your games. You were also from District 4. You won the 68th Hunger Games, a few years after Finnick.

When you were reaped, Finnick and Mags were your mentors. Finnick came off as self absorbed and arrogant but once you started talking to him, the more you realized that was total bullshit. He wasn't how the Capitol portrayed him, he was much more caring and compassionate. He was very sympathetic to your situation, having gone through the same things.

During your time in the arena, you were one of the most ruthless tributes of all time. In the beginning, you were easily overlooked. The tributes weren't thinking that you were going to be much of a challenge because of your size and the way you carried yourself.

But that was exactly how you wanted to be portrayed. You tricked the Careers into thinking you were some naïve little girl, stabbing them in the back (literally) the first chance you got. The Capitol loved the turn of events, cheering you on.

When you had come back home, you had finally understood the intensity of what you had done. You had killed a whole group of people, ending their lives permanently. Those people had lives and family who loved them, and now they're gone because of you.

You suffered through months and months from never ending nightmares. Even getting consoled by your mother didn't help anymore; she doesn't understand. You didn't even feel worthy of food anymore.

You closed off Mags and Finnick when you had come home, driving yourself into isolation and depression. You rarely went out anymore, eating one meal a day and slept more than 80% of the day. Even sleeping couldn't mend the eternal tiredness you had, the void that filled your body.

Finnick had felt more than responsible for your pain. He gave you time before he realized he was just adding to your pain. Even when you didn't communicate back to him, Finnick visited you every day. He gave you advice and told you what he had went through after the Games as well. Eventually you opened up more to Finnick, and slowly, he had become your best friend.

He had told you that numbing it wasn't going to make it go away. He reminded you that you had him and Mags to help you with this process, and that you weren't alone despite of how you felt.

He helped you regain your sense of purpose again, your self image again. Finnick had singlehandedly helped you rebuilt your sense of self again.

He saw a part of you in him, that scared 14 year old boy who was trying to go back home to his parents. He never wanted anyone to feel that, especially you.

He promised you that he would never let anything bad ever happen to you again.

During your Victor's tour, Snow had suddenly deemed you desirable by the Capitol, wanting to sell you as he did with Finnick. Finnick couldn't risk getting involved, wanting to protect his family.

Every night in the Capitol, you were always consoled by Finnick. Every time you had to do a favor, you remember walking to Finnick's room to sleep, not baring the thought of having to sleep alone in the cold bed. He was always there, holding your hand comfortingly as you both slept.

The Capitol adored you both, nicknaming you the princess and prince of Panem. The more time you spent with Finnick, the more the media had speculated a relationship between the young victors.

You and Finnick had connected in many ways. Both having the same trauma, it was easy to talk to him and for him to understand how hard it was.

You and Finnick eventually got together a few years later, then getting married (in secret, of course) almost right after. You were both deeply in love.

Finnick found solace in the thought of always having you by his side, remembering that no one could tear you apart. That was until the Quarter Quell was announced.

You and Finnick were sitting at the edge of the couch, listening to Caesar's words carefully as he explained that this year's Hunger Games was going to be very different.

When it was announced that there will be only be Victors in this year's games, you heard dropped. You looked over at Finnick and he shared the same terrified look on his face.

--

When Annie's name had been called, you without any second thought, put up your hand. "I volunteer as tribute."

The crowd gasped and you looked over at Annie and you could tell she was a bit relived but still scared nonetheless. You immediately embraced her tightly, letting her let out a small sob. "It's okay, you're okay."

Mags looked just as terrified and you took her hand. When Finnick's name was called, you felt your stomach drop. Not only were you back in the arena, but you were with Finnick.

You looked over at Finnick and he looked prepared to fight. You both stood up and he grabbed your hand, raising it up in union.

The trainride to the Capitol was pretty uneventful. Finnick had wanted some time to think about the plan and so did you. A part of you knew what he was planning; he kill everyone else in the arena and then eventually himself, all for you.

As you sat on the bed, you felt the sadness and anger turn into numbness. No amount of crying was going to stop the Quater Quell and you had to be smart.

You didn't want to survive without Finnick. You were either winning with him or dying with him. Life would be meaningless without him.

Finnick knocked on your door slightly, before walking in. You looked up at him and he gave you a small smile. He took a seat next to and took your hand.

"I have a plan."

"Finnick, I know what you're thinking, and no. You're not killing yourself for me."

Finnick looked defeated. "One of us has to survive, Y/N. For Annie. For Mags."

You look a deep inhale, looking away from Finnick. "I don't want to life without you, everything would lose all it's meaning without you."

Finnick felt his heart burst into two pieces as he squeezed your hand. You felt your eyes watering again and you couldn't help but let out another quiet cry as Finnick pulled your head in, as he embraced you tightly.

"Shh, it's okay. I promise, I won't... I won't leave you."

--

It had all happened so fast, you couldn't even comprehend what had just happened. One moment, you were with Finnick trying to find Johanna and Katniss and suddenly there was big loud boom. You were relieved for a moment; Plutarch's plan had worked. Until you realized how far away you were from the others.

You were wandering, trying to find anyone until you heard people behind you. You turned and then you saw some unfamiliar faces; suddenly, your vision went black.

Then, you woke up in a white room. You felt like your stomach had dropped out of your body once the realization hit you; the Capitol captured you.

You were strapped down to a bed and you couldn't move or shake it off. The severity of the situation had hit you; even if by some miracle you did escape, where would you go? How would you find your way to 13 and back to Finnick?

You knew how ruthless the Capitol was to everyone who disobeyed them. Your worst fears had come true and there was no getting out of here.

You heard the door open and you saw some Peacekeepers come in and then you saw the person you dreaded to see most; Snow. You felt like your whole had come crashing down, how could this nightmare become any worse?

"Hello, Y/N."

You didn't respond, resorting to stare at the wall in front of you instead.

He tutted disappointedly. "Out of all the tributes, you were the one I expected least to be involved in this mess. You are the Princess of Panem... What a shame."

You still hadn't replied and you hadn't dared to look at Snow. Months and months you spent trying to heal the trauma he had caused you, you were sure if you had to look at him now, you would break.

"I want to take mercy on you, dear Y/N. If you tell me everything you know about the rebellion, I will make sure the Peacekeepers are gentle with you."

You shook your head. "No."

He let out a small chuckle. "Sorry, I couldn't hear you. What?"

"No." You said again, louder.

He hummed in disapproval. "Okay then, you leave me no choice. You are going to regret this."

He nodded to the Peacekeepers and walked out of the room. You were then met with Peacekeepers, loosening the straps then taking you to another room.

If Snow knew one thing about you, it was that being only physical with you wouldn't hurt you enough. He had to hit you were it hurt most.

They threw you in the seemingly vacant room and immediately locking it. You were confused until you heard it.

"Y/N, help me!" Finnick's voice screamed. "Please, help me! Get up and do something, they're killing me! Please."

You looked everywhere in the dark room, trying to find the source. It kept going.

"Y/N, please! Help! What the hell are you doing, just sitting there? You are such a disappointment!" The voice started shouting. "We should've just left you to died in the arena! You are useless!"

Now this was something new. Your body was filled with panic and fear and even though you knew it was fake, you felt like you were going to throw up from all the noise.

Suddenly, Annie's voice came in as well. Then Johanna's. Then your mother's. There was nonstop noise filled with screams for help, shouting with disapproving messages. Your body couldn't handle it; it was so overwhelmed with fear that you started shaking on the ground, putting your hands on your ears but that did little to nothing.

You wanted it to stop. It was too much, you were trembling. It felt like days, just sitting there in that room listening to all those demeaning voices of your loved ones. You couldn't even think straight anymore.

It was so bad you had started to pound your head on the ground, screaming and crying. You had have enough. And then, it all stopped. Silence was foreign for you; your ears were ringing.

You were sitting on the ground, almost lifeless as the Peacekeepers took you away. Your eyes hurt from the tears, your body sore, your ears ringing and your head was pounding.

But you knew that was just the beginning.

--

You were asleep in bed and you were awakened by the door opening, you instantly jolted up. You looked over to see a group of masked men in front of you and you had started to tremble again, silent tears rolling down your face, thinking that the Peacekeepers had come again.

"No, no, no." You started to mumble to yourself.

A man came up to your and took your bruised hand slowly, rubbing it gently in silent empathy. That was the first soft touch you'd felt in a few weeks and it almost stung.

"It's okay, you're safe now. You're going to 13 now."

You had to blink a couple times, trying to process what he said. Was this a dream? You went to pinch yourself but it was real life.

He then helped you up but you couldn't help but stumble; your legs were weak, you couldn't remember the last time the Peacekeepers let you walk for this long.

As you got into the hovercraft, you saw Annie. Your eyes widened as you both ran up to each other, embracing each other. She had started to cry a little bit and so did you.

That was when it hit you. You were going to see Finnick. You were going home. You started crying into Annie's shoulder as she held you. "We're safe now, we're safe."

You had seen Johanna as well but she didn't seem too responsive. Neither did Peeta. You fell asleep on Annie's shoulder on the ride back and for the first time, you actually felt yourself drifting off calmly.

--

There were lots of doctors and nurses looking at you and asking you all sorts of questions and you tried your best to answer them. You were still in shock; you were safe. They couldn't hurt you anymore.

"Y/N?" You turned around to see Finnick. You immediately got up from the examiner's table and ran into his arms, your eyes starting to water up again.

"Finnick," you sighed slowly. You pulled away, putting your hands on his face and touched him as if he wasn't real.

"Are you.. Are you really here?"

"Yes, I'm really here." Finnick looked at you and suddenly his voice transported you back into the dark room. You quickly twisted out of his embrace and his expression changed.

His voice was back and you heard all of the nasty things he had to you. You back away, stumbling into the examiner's table and your breathing became heavy. "No, no, no, please-please go away. No."

You slid down to the floor and you closed your eyes, putting your hands on your ears and rocking back and forth trying to get that voice to stop.

Finnick ran up to you and put his hands on your knees, trying to get you to look at him. His heart broke in half; he didn't know what the Capitol had done to you but now he knows it has something to do with him.

Of course the Capitol would try to ruin him. His eyes started to tear up at the sight of you, in so much pain and panic.

You opened your eyes, Finnick in front of you. You started to cry some more before Finnick slowly went up to you, wrapping his arms around you.

When he had started wrapping your arms around you, your instinct was to push him away but his warmth was welcoming and safe and you started to focus on his touch. The voices slowly drifted away, the sounds of your silent sobs only being heard.

You then gave into Finnick's touch, falling into him and putting your head in his chest as he caressed your back gently, shushing you.

"It's okay baby, I got you. You're safe now, they can't hurt you."

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