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jewreallythinkthat · 3 months

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I have started listening to Unapologetic: The Third Narrative. It's a podcast from two Palestine Israeli citizens and it's brilliant. I don't agree with everything the presenters say (but then again, I don't agree with a lot of things a lot of people say so what's new) but they have some of the most open and balanced and nuanced discussions I've heard about the Israel-Hamas war. It's also really good for people who are looking for diverse opinions and trying to understand different perspectives as the presenters are from very different communities and regularly disagree on things.

The most recent episode has a guest who's family were kidnapped (5 have been released, one is still in Gaza) and they asked her about how she has stopped herself wallowing in hate and her answer was she literally doesn't have space for hate. Hate is so overwhelming, and there's so much work to do to actually push for a sustainable peace an end to this that there is not time to waste on petty spiteful hatred. With the amount of time I spend thinking about the hostages and their families, the people starving in Gaza, and trying to work out if there is anything I can do from the UK to try and actually help, I simply do not have time to hate. Maybe if more people put the energy they are spending screaming at those who disagree with and forcing randomers to choose sides, someone might actually manage to come up with meaningful ways to end this without the death toll increasing dramatically on either side.

It's also a super harrowing listen for me personally as all I could think is that I could have been her if my cousin hadn't been on holiday in Crete that weekend. People who lived near him were killed, one had to play dead with a bullet in his leg while his wife and daughter lay slaughtered beside him. I am so grateful that he was not home and so I have not had to experience people I know being killed an kidnapped, frankly I'm lucky in that respect - a lot of my friends were not as lucky as I was in that regard.

#jumblr #antisemitism #i/p #cw violence #cw death #sorry i can't be your token evil zionist for thinking israelis are humans | I'm too busy actually trying to make a positive difference #they also interbiew a gazan who talks about people on both sides he calls “irredeemables” as they refuse to acknowledge humanity of others #but he makes it clear that they are still going to be there in the better world that could be built #you may not spend time arguing with them as its pointless but you need to accept they are still human #and if they have no skin in the game and are just online screamers then its not worth wasting time as they are not part of the solution

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this-should-do · 17 days

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venting dont mind me xp ✌

#if i dont get out of my parents house im going to die #either by my hand or my mothers #i refuse to be forced into the role of woman becuz my mother cant get over herself or accept other peoples suffering #so i either leave or i die #i am never more depressed than when im in this house and it gets worse everytime i return #every second of oeace is a facade careful held up by smiles and jokes while ignoring who i am to please others #and ignorjng the genuinely genocidal beliefs of my parents against myltple peoples #at least one of which includes me #why cant life be easy #when is it .y turn to tbrive #in this hluse i am no older than a middle schooler no more mature or happy #everyday i dream of relapsing sh-ing just for some control of the pain i experiemce something anything #maybe someone will finally listen to me and se ehow ioset i am see how smothered i am and the sting will pull me back down to earth again #but no who would see would understand #my brothers or my parents none of them would kniw why even if i said it to thwir face #i dint event even want to think of what my mother woukd say #shed use it as an excuse to further deny my transness surely #say how horribke and spirtful and manipulative i am against her #that i ddi it to hurt her #i am trapped as a doll in a house only allowed to be agreeable no politics no emotions other tan #contentness and love and adoration for my family #or else i am unloveavle and horrible and sick #i cannot tell my mom she has uoset me becuz it would be unfair i am silent instead #i am to take her anger and rage as a perfect recepticle and no matter how well i handle it #i am thanked with resentment amd scorn amd terfisms #i can neither disagree woth her beliefs nor avoid discussing them to keeo the oeace all she wants is comoliance #i refuse to do that tho ill take hee scorn on that one thing i refuse to xomprimise my beliefs verbally to save my own skin #ill just be quiet #im sure id be a better recepticle for her dead so she can dress me up as a girl one last time #the dead cant argue or disagree with you its everything she wants from me

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mariemariemaria · 4 months

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the people who think that christianity is the worst most problematic religion ever and the people who think that islam is the worst most problematic religion ever are two sides of the same coin to me

#mind blank no original thoughts no nuance #not actually caring about women and other people who are negatively effected by the religion.#if you don't care about all women who are oppressed by religion then you don't care about any women #like the ppl on here who criticise xianity all the time for being sexist or homophobic #but then refuse to do that for any other religion?? ok so u dont actually care about women and gay people beyond ur culturally xian bubble👍#meanwhile they refuse to recognise that xians are oppressed in many parts of the world alongside other religious groups like muslims #just completely western centric #this isn't to deny that christianity is oppressive like ofc there's valid criticisms of it #personally i think the catholic church should be dismantled lol #but it is not uniquely oppressive and to pretend it is is to position victims of religious oppression in a hierarchy #with xians at the top while ignoring other victims and refusing to build up solidarity with them #and u could say that this is an online problem but it's not. its so pervasive in the actual world bc ppl are either focused on their own #experiences (which is understandable to an extent but still pls look at the world around u lol) or they are so focused on defeating bigotry #that they ignore any and all criticisms of another religion. which also is not helpful and actually damages their cause #not to mention the people who are actively harmed by forms of that religion everyday #this doesn't just apply to these two religions obviously but unfortunately this dominates western social cultural debate #like i think you could definitely make parallels here with irish history and politics and how the liberalisation of both the north and the #south is a key part of the peace process. northern protestants became more at ease & trusting of the roi when it started to liberalise and #develop out of essentially being a catholic theocracy. northern catholics were more accepting of the existence of ni when protestant #domination and the protestant churches/o.o. could no longer decide government actions #a united ireland is more likely now because the republic has (largely) thrown off the shackles of the catholic church #like in the late 20th century northern protestants were generally fearful of the republic and considering divorce wasnt legal there until #the 90s it was with good reason. it wasnt all in their heads lol #idk i just think there's similarities there #posting this against my better judgement. please engage in good faith if you engage at all lol

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zippers · 7 months

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kinda been spiraling over the lori vallow case. she/her family remind me a lot of my mom's adoptive family. (down to cheating with religious leaders!) thankfully we did not have the mormon element to justify killing as my adoptive grandma has only ever claimed she has killed to get back at people, police were able to rescue the hostages alive. and WE are the estranged ones... everyone else is on my grandma's side (the other people involved in the hostage situation have since gone back to her—ie it was triggered by my mom trying to help my aunt (bio daughter of this woman) move across the country away from this woman and she has since moved back to live in one of her dozen hoarder houses.) and they accuse my mom of being abusive/manipulative/etc which is such a joke.

#thankfully i was ever kidnapped (by my aunt) once and i didnt know i was being kidnapped so it wasnt scary exactly #i mean i knew something was off... i remember thinking we were going somewhere but then she said she just wanted to drive me around which #i thought was weird. and she kept insisting that whatever horrible things my mom had said about her wasnt true which #i told her the truth my mom hasnt said anything negative. but she just kept digging to find out ''what'' ''lies'' my mom had said #and its sad because i do still have feelings and memories of love for her (not adoptive gma though) but i know she is a mean person #who hurts people and refuses to self reflect or accept mental health treatment...#anyway listening to all these interviews about has given me more compassion for them than i thought was possible #umm #kidnapping #murder #true crime #abuse #ask to tag

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erythristicbones · 1 year

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amazing how pride month has just started and ive still somehow had to unfollow 3 people rbing the most insanely biphobic shit w/o caring

#tbf they were people i dont really even remember following in the first place #like they crawled out of the woodwork just for this month to be awful #anyways friendly reminder that my gf is bi and i do not put up w that shit at all #like fucking hell i feel like i see this every goddamn june #even just the amount of ppl irl who Steph has explicitly stated she is bi to SEVERAL TIMES #who exclusively refer to her as a lesbian bc she's dating me and has been for 8yrs #which is also super shitty considering im not a fucking woman #ppl will respect my pronouns but very clearly see me as Woman Lite and refuse to take criticism on that #vent #personal #sorry i just. i see this every year #and i know its probs that irl we only know so many queer ppl #so it feels like everyone we know is performitively accepting #in our eight years of dating i havent heard a single person other than myself call steph bi #even when its among friends. even when she's told them over and over #and even when i bring up 1000 times that I AM GENDERFLUID. i am not female!!!!#im so tired of other queer ppl thinking that theyre allowed to use whatever fucking labels they want for us #even when we have told them exactly what we are and what we are comfortable with #I'll probs delete this later #bc i hate having negative shit/vents on my blog #im just so tired man #if someone tells you a label...use it #a bi person is still bi even if you think theyre something else #a lesbian is still a lesbian even if you think theyre something else #a trans person is the gender they say they are EVEN IF they dont fit your standards of that gender #literally what is so hard about seeing someone else tell you exactly what to call them and then calling them what they said to #for the love of god JUST RESPECT PPL #its not fucking hard

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year

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'im gonna sleep' he lied

#snap chats #i love making the main text Bullshit and then putting the actual post below. ive said this before but idc its my art #its like... the main text is the title and the tags is the actual article.... does that make sense #i should sleep my eyes are heavy but im being tormented by concepts i want to execute #gotta apologize for all the arasawa posting as of late but ive been enabled #tbh on the lowest of keys i did post bout them on occasion in the past but. but now it's feel-speed ahead #twt has been driving me insane so i just need to hop aboard me other boat yk what im saying... please say you do i refuse to elaborate #for the sake of the people i wont but man if you know you know #anyways. the actual meat of this text post See All That Preamble Shit is meant to deter people. it is a warning #'i am bring cringe down here do not look. wait for it to be art so it's harder to ignore'#'snap i thought you didnt like sharing things if you were gonna do something with it' ok well the delusions are strong tonight #and im too tired to do anything and ill prob be too brain dead to do anything tomorrow LET ME SPEAK #ok cringe time. i just think jo gradually accepting physical affection can be something so personal and good SUE. me.#and when i say 'gradually' it will be ten years before he accepts it and even so it'll be quietly #i think by his 20's hes beyond flinching/wincing at random contact- or at the very least he's very good at suppressing the reflex to #more so if its not something like a handshake- like just casual contact- i imagine he's more confused than anything #i had friends who were obsessed with like. hugs and holding hands and those things always had me like ???#i imagine Same Shit for him ☠️ 'this isnt a bad thing but this isnt something im familiar with What Is???? this feels weird.'#im gonna make myself throw up thinking anymore about this. i be making these hardened yakuza men sweet and sentimental #twitter really is decaying my brain....#let me be worse. cause i hope arakawa introducing that sort of physical affection rubs off on jo. no where near the same level as arakawa #but itd be SOO funny if like.. jo starts walking close enough to occasionally bump shoulders with him #i hope when arakawa starts nodding off in the car and ''''accidentally''' lays his head on his shoulder he stops tensing up #heaven forbid jo even rests his cheek against arakawa. id be ill #Let Me Clutch My Pearls For This One i hope when they hold hands jo starts to hold arakawa's a lil tighter than he used to #just very /very/ little things like that. very little things that'll still make me insane I'M DELU-LU TONIGHT SORRRYYYYY #expect more of this bullshit but. in art form in the future. whether it writing or drawing idk i just need it #i need it injected right into my veins its my weakness your honor TAKE ME AWAY i AM guilty for making the scary gangsters cute #ok im pissing off fr now bye.

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ghostlysoupcan · 1 year

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therapy being sensationalized is the worst fucking shit ever bc you cant go onto ONE therapy video for youtube without it being like 'heres why these people dealing with these issues are gross unfeeling inhuman Things' and a bunch of self described superempaths agreeing with them in the comments

#its fucking exhausting the way theyre all about healing until the person has Bad Person Disease and theyre like actually you should be shot #do you people not realize how close any of you could be to becoming Person With Asshole Disease based on what others spin about you?#i use the capitalized words with heavy sarcasm btw #even if youre not in danger of it its like a society that fucking demonizes not emoting right or having the right reactions and its like Hm #where have i heard that before.#i refuse to accept fucking platitudes or support from somebody who is like oh youre fine but those Nasty Sociopaths-#like im autistic and i have the emotional range of a brick thanks to horrific abuse i have more in common with them than YOU #id be put on crystal empath TikTok and torn to shreds for not getting social cues right.

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zannolin · 1 year

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"she's like a part of me i can't let go" is the fucking cheesiest line in both delivery and speaking character wise BUT. it is a really really good summary of ada and leon's dynamic and i will be thinking about it forever thanks

#zanna talks #cause its like....ada and claire both signify the leon who went into raccoon city and didnt really come out #he can never go back to the idealistic way he once was and the same part of him that wanted to save people and fix the world is tied deepl #*deeply and intrinsically to ada. he's always trying to save her mostly from herself but she's never going to accept that offer because she #is perfectly comfortable the way she is! she won't change and he can't let go and so they stay in this ridiculous not-relationship that's #arguably not good for either of them and CANT be if they don't change (and they refuse to) so it's this hot fuckin mess #and frankly i fucking love it i love to examine it and go weeeee #in so many ways shes the one that got away. the one he couldnt save. and hes never going to stop trying! and theyre doomed! and i love it!

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snekdood · 1 year

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I feel like the idea of "forgiveness" for people who've hurt you is like... Pretty christian based? Bc ngl. Why tf am i forgiving someone who abused me a lot. If we're talking "mental peace"... Well bud i kinda just gotta not think about it or when i do to work on my emotions around it so i can cope better with my trauma. Literally why am i forgiving people who dont regret hurting me and who would never apologize and how exactly does that bring more "peace"? Bc personally id feel like im ignoring something that bothers me a lot just so i can tolerate being around it when idk. Theres people who i definitely dont need to tolerate being around lol.

#forgiveness #quote unquote #some of these people would actively continue trying to hurt me if i was still around them and literally wtf is the use #of forgiveness then???#being unfazed by their presence seems to be the better alternative as well as ignoring them..?#or idk. literally fucking leaving the room if they arrive.#'forgiveness' is what christians do towards non christians who fail to fail to be christians. its patronizing. its assumptive.#as if those people are somehow spiritually crying out that theyre sorry. thats how christians are w forgiveness.#how tf is what id be doing if i 'forgive' my abusers any different #its 'forgiveness' with the assumption that some day the person whos hurting you or in this case simply not christian will actually #decide you were right and 'apologize' for going against them #idk about you but i dont want to live in a false reality daydream that my abuser will someday be normal and nice and empathetic #how is that a useful belief at all in the long run. im just convincing myself somethings gonna happen that wont.#i think more ppl should go about the world assuming their abuser doesnt give a fuck and never will bc quite honestly that seems more likely #ive never felt peaceful when i attmept to forgive people knowing inside im still upset with them #however i feel much more peaceful when i embrace the fact they dont care and thus i dont have to care about them either 🤷#like accepting the current facts brings me more relief than speculating on the future.#idk but i kinda refuse to forgive people who dont regret their actions towards me and who dont give af about me #if getting caught up in resentment is the issue... then you need some therapy of sorts to work on the resentment so you can get to a point #where you dont give a fuck if they do apologize. not assume someday like a pretentious asshole that theyll apologize #literally im nowhere near that important to my abusers for them to do that

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1discolover · 2 years

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i know i need to move out sooner than later cause i get pissed off whenever my mom comes back home and the fun/relaxation vibes are over.

#my relationship with her is the way it is because i suck at performing perfect dutiful obedient daughter #like i always felt like there was something wrong with (me) but i realized all along i’m just who i am and i’m surrounded by people who #cannot accept me nor love me unconditionally and just want to box me into a role in order to (love) me and that just .. isn’t love #if i have to be a certain way dress a certain way or even believe in the same things they do then i’m worthy of their love but i refuse #to compromise on that cause that isn’t even compromise it’s just control #so many ppl know nothing about what love truly is unconditional love especially #its so painful #i guess i’ll have to get used to being constantly misunderstood but that’s just a sign that i’m surrounded by people who don’t/will never #bother to make the effort to understand me #cold and emotionally closed off then when i finally closed myself off from them IM being called the cold/emotionally closed off #idk where this has gone off bud i’m just venting at this point #being raised around narcissists be like: 🤪

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prickly-paprikash · 1 month

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Kendrick doesn't just hate Drake as a person. He hates the very idea of Drake.

Hip-Hop is rooted in revolution. In defiance. These are the songs of an oppressed group of people, and decades upon decades people have hated it. Accused of being meaningless and invalid. Media outlets took steps to belittle hip-hop and make sure it isn't recognized as an art form and as a means to fight back.

2Pac spoke of wealth disparity and inequality. Tupac was literally a member of a communist organization when he was younger and never stopped speaking against capitalism.

Lauryn Hill spoke of the struggles a woman faces. Not just women, but black women. Salt-N-Peppa. Queen Latifah. MISSY FUCKING ELLIOT.

N.W.A made sure people knew about police brutality and violence against the Black community.

And now, in this day and age, we're also experiencing an explosion of Queer Hip-Hop. Lil Nas X is at the forefront of this. Lil Uzi Vert came out as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, even when they knew that a lot of their fans would never use it or even respect them for it. Auntie Diaries, a song about a young man who grew up in a transphobic environment and bought into those beliefs, but could never fully do it because his Uncle loved him so much and taught him a lot of life lessons, and that wisdom translated to him accepting his cousin as a woman as well.

Drake is none of that.

He's the perfect representation of what people think hip-hop is. Flexing. Posturing. Objectifying women. A fucker so insecure he bought 2Pac's ring just to feel like he's part of the black community. Rejected by Rihanna publicly. Tried to groom Millie Bobby Brown. Kissed and inappropriately touched an underage girl during his concert. His songs have inspired so many young boys to treat girls like shit. His belief that the amount of rings and chains and cars he has is the true meaning of success.

Additional Edit: This is my fault. If this post gains more views, then it would be remiss of me not to add to this. It was my fault to begin with, not stating this beforehand because while I did know, I got lost in celebrating Hip-Hop in a place that doesn't usually do so, and rightfully so.

2Pac did fight for wealth equality and better social living for the black community. He also has a long, long history of battery, domestic abuse, and sexual harassment against women. Specifically against women of color. He made a song to celebrate his own mother, but outright refused to give the same show of respect to other women in his life. His hypocritical nature was brushed off in later decades, just the way I did now.

N.W.A is the same. Sexual assault charges, violence—they spoke of Police reform, but refuses to give the same treatment back towards the women in their lives.

50 cent refuses to backtrack on any of his misogynistic lyrics.

Modern rappers of today, such as the dead XXXtentacion. 6ix9ine. Kodak Black.

I do love Hip-Hop. I love rap. And the music itself has always been anti-authoritarian at its core, because those are its roots. And I was happy that circles that did not normally know of it or enjoy it were getting into it, even for one thing like this rap feud.

Lil Nas X, Little Simz, Childish Gambino, Missy Elliot, Queen Latifah, Lauryn Hill—rappers who have at the very least consistently tried to put their money where their mouth is. Who have tried to act in accordance to what they rap and write and sing for.

@shehungthemoon @ohsugarsims finnthehumanmp3 were the ones who rightfully clarified in the comments. I know an apology won't correct my hypocrisy or my stupidity. I should have added all of this before making this post, but I wanted so badly to celebrate a genre of music but failed to do my due diligence in showing a better, holistic view of it. If anyone felt triggered, offended, troubled, frustrated or any other intense negative emotions surrounding this, please do block me. I'm sorry.

#kendrick lamar #drake #music #hip hop

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aromantic-karamatsu · 3 months

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"wah wah your name is too similar to your siblings can I just call you a nickname? 🥺"

Like fuck off I don't base decisions in my trans journey off of my sibling, I like the name because of a YouTuber I used to follow just use my birth name for fucks sake not a stupid nickname 😒

#wah wah choose a different name its too similar to your brothers wah wah why are you trying to be him #my journey has never been about him fuck off. how self centered to think MY experience as a trans man revolves around him #i don't think about him i think about ME and what makes ME feel good 🖕#dont give me a stupid nickname if you wanna be difficult and refuse to use my chosen name just use my birth name #its better than you trying to act 'accepting' by calling me some name i hate #text #my post #aleks talks into the void #sorry i have feelings #i don't think of my brother by his birthname ive only ever called him a nickname since i was born btw #so like #bite me #also i had a family member who was like oh i tell people youre just you and im lile tell them im a man. dont act ashamed or sanitize it #im a man. i dont look like a man to you or them but im a man and i want you uncomfortable with that so you can address your bias

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cosmojjong · 4 months

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nowadays i really don't have any patience

#i notice i get annoyed with anyone or anything no matter how much i love them #i don't have any patience left in me rn #i am struggling with eating and with finding some balance i don't know what i am doing with my life #i am very irritable and get disappointed with anything #this goes for real life and kibum too #i refuse to listen to people who think that not everything is political #everything you do is political every step you take in society is political #kibum collaborating with mc donalds is a monumental fck up #and i am annoyed by people who can only focus on the contract and its clauses #YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT ppl are dying #fans have every right to be upset at his choices considering he does curate his collaborations and he #built his image on growth and understanding and inclusiveness #so he has to be real about it #also idgaf what people say the internet CAN change things and be the voice that can't be silenced #palestinians need us and safety and justice will always come to me first so #i have so much to say becausr #why can't ppl just accept that he's in the wrong instead of appealing to silly stuff like contracts or #to 'you don't understand he's of a different culture'#oh please come on this is all over the news and social media #what does it tell you about someone's values if they'd rather try to explain a collaboration with a company encouraging the iof #than actually care for the people of palestine?#don't piss me off seriously

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aidenwaites · 10 months

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People truly don't get just how labor-intensive of a field filmmaking is, whether it's writing/pre-production or on-set actors and crew or post-production

#listen man i know ive barely scratched the surface of even sports broadcasting #but my schedule is Not Unlike the kind of schedules film crews face with MUCH more labor intensive jobs #except where my schedule is unpredictable and subject to change on short notice and my shifts #Do Not Come with proper breaks #at least i *usually* only work a max of 12 hours #film crews easily see 14-16 hour days and the studios refuse to accept #paying more fines to the unions for not supplying the minimum amount of hours needed between shifts (this was something they rejected in #the wga negotiations)#and they HAVE to have those fines put on them because there is like. a real legitimate problem of lack of sleep leading to #injuries (and sometimes fatal ones) both on and off film sets. do you know its not unusual for people on sets to be reminded not to drive #if they feel like theyre going to pass out. a couple of years ago when iatse was in negotiations people were sharing INSANE stories #along those lines #and those days arent worth it!! at all!! we HAVE to take more time to make movies. we have to stand behind the unions. come on man #anyway brought to you by i wasnt gonna reblog that giant post where someone sent a stupid ask to neil gaiman but i am mad about it #and i know that post was specifically aboht writing but MAN people really forget the number of crew who work on movies #and how exhausting those jobs are and how much technical skill and varied understanding of skills that arent even your own #that you have to have to work in entertainment !#anyway

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aashi-heartfilia · 6 months

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The hypocrisy of Jinshi and MaoMao

*light novel spoilers*

I just love how hypocritical MaoMao's nature is. She yells at Jinshi for being a 'Masochist' and yet we see that she's no different. Now, by definition Masochist is a person who drives sexual gratification from their own pain and humiliation, plus it relates to Jinshi's tendency to do self harm (like burning his skin with a brand)

And what is MaoMao's most favourite thing in this world?

POISON

She literally takes pleasure in consuming it and no one can convince me otherwise. Plus she uses dangerous plants and animals and snakes whatnot in the name of her so-called experiments. Her dad may call her a 'mad Scientist' but that is a direct indication of self harm.

And she calls Jinshi a Masochist.

I mean, think about it! The amount of anxiety she gives to Jinshi! She came prepared with a vomit inducing medicine but even she had no idea whether it would work or not. She was just hoping it would work in the salt chapter.

And the same goes for her hand, on which she has conducted countless experiments. One flower even burned her skin and its marks never left her skin. She said it was all for her hobby. What kind of weird hobby is that? Maybe, our little adorable mad scientist is just like that.

One brands his own skin, while the other takes heavenly pleasure in consuming poison.

So my point is, Jinshi and MaoMao are not that different as one might think they are and that's why their dynamic works so well.

Let's look at the excerpts from volume 5:

She didn’t know how long they sat that way. All she knew was that Jinshi was looking down at her with a faintly triumphant expression, as if he saw that the breath had reached every corner of her body now. He wiped away the tears that had sprung to her eyes as she struggled to breathe. It was then that Maomao felt a flash of intense anger. “I said that if you were going to kill me, you should do it with poison,” she told him. “I refuse to let you poison yourself,” Jinshi said, his fingers tracing her lips. “You can’t pretend you didn’t know that you were one of the candidates. As much as I’m sure you’d like to.” He wasn’t done, either: “Who was that man, anyway? I’m sure you’re not a dancer.” So he had been watching them! “I was just paying for my drink,” Maomao said. “It didn’t cost much.” She tried to look away, but with his hand on her head, she really couldn’t.

Jinshi just choked her and yet he refuses to let MaoMao poison herself. A lot of people misinterpret this scene, and don't like it all that much, saying it was just fanservice stuff but this is how I see it: Jinshi wasn't trying to kill MaoMao, he was just trying to make MaoMao submit to him for once (even if the way he did it was very wrong, but guess he's kinky like that). MaoMao is actively trying to harm herself and Jinshi loves MaoMao a lot, he cannot just let her kill herself.

It was more about him trying to exert his dominance in their weirdish - complicated relationship and that also backfires on him as we see in the next volume that MaoMao escapes Jinshi's grasps using Pairin's techniques.

And then they both continue to avoid each other in the entire next volume! Because they both realised that they have crossed boundaries.

They both are hypocrites.

And they both refuse to accept their feelings.

In one of the later volumes, she gives Jinshi a piece of her mind on how he should tell her everything clearly, unequivocally, what he feels, and he literally declares that "he will make her his wife", which is nice and all but look at the wording MaoMao used here....

Excerpts from LN Vol 7, chapter 19 called "A man and a woman play the game"

"You’re forever telling me I need to use my words, Master Jinshi, but are you in any position to criticize? Everything you say to me, everything you do, it’s like it’s calculated to save you from ever having to actually say what you mean! To make me figure it all out! You know, you remind me of someone. You act exactly like a man who used to come by our brothel all the time. He was in love with one of the girls, but he would never just come out and say it. He thought it should be obvious from the way he acted. He was so sure he had a good thing going with this woman that he never sent her so much as a letter. I remember how forlorn he looked when someone else swooped in and snatched her away! He kept coming to the brothel after that—to get drunk and whine to the ladies. Well, in my opinion, he could have avoided all that heartbreak if he’d told the woman how he felt. Clearly, unequivocally, so that she knew where they stood. It was the least he could have done!”

Everything came out in a torrent. She felt like she’d said it all in one breath. It was strange, she thought, to hear so many words come out of her own mouth. She was mystified. Jinshi was no less startled, but the shock soon left his face, replaced by something else. He got up off the bed and stared down at Maomao.

Shit. Now I’ve done it. She’d given him a piece of her mind, and he was about to give her one back.

“So I should be clear, should I? Unequivocal? I should say what I mean? If I did, would you actually listen to me? Is that what you’re telling me? I’m going to hold you to that! Right this minute. I’ll say it all. Don’t plug your ears—listen to me!” He grabbed her hands as she was in the process of trying to put her fingers in her ears. He took a breath. He was looking at Maomao, but somehow he seemed almost embarrassed. Finally he managed, “Now listen to me, y—I mean, Maomao! Listen close! I am going to make you my wife!”

It's one heck of a chapter and I suggest you give it a go! The title of the chapter says "A man and a woman play the game" as if to emphasize the very fact that both Jinshi and MaoMao are playing the game.

Jinshi has never confessed his true feelings before this chapter and only implied that he wanted to make MaoMao his wife.

The implications were heavy though on Jinshi's part, and as smart as MaoMao is, anyone would have guessed that MaoMao was one of the candidates for Jinshi's consort. Even the clothes she received (the ones she wore to the banquet) were also provided by Jinshi along with the hairpin. It is never stated outright but seeing as the hairpin was from Jinshi, the clothes are also implied to be the same.

More or less she's always deliberately ignoring the possibility of having anything to do with him, that is more than professional. Some may call it denial, I call it dense. Maybe, to some extent, she herself is not aware of her feelings because she never lets herself feel anything.

Even Suiren pointed it out pretty early in the manga, that maybe it's MaoMao's way of being reserved. We need to keep in mind that MaoMao is an unreliable narrator and it's more of what she does, rather than what she says that makes a difference.

Even in the chapter that I have quoted above, she had every reason to leave Jinshi, she wasn't working for him after all. But she stayed to make tea for him, even after the fact that she had a long day too. She was almost just as exhausted as Jinshi and yet she was there preparing medicinal tea, so that he could get a better sleep.

Maybe she herself is yet to realise just how deep her feelings run. Till vol 12 she seems to have accepted them, but she still is yet to acknowledge their depth. Maybe it's because of her childhood.

It's not a traumatic backstory but MaoMao had a sad childhood nonetheless....

She was raised by her grand uncle and her real father was eccentric, who scared her. Her mother must also appear to be kind of demonic to her, since she was desperate enough to cut MaoMao's Pinky finger and send it to Lahan. So it's safe to say that MaoMao never received proper parental affection. And adding to the fact that, a brothel is not exactly an ideal place for raising a child.... especially when the birth of MaoMao was the one thing that brought the brothel to its knees...even if being born wasn't her choice.

Plus MaoMao stated it herself that when she was a baby, no one would come to sooth her until their work was finished, implying that even if MaoMao and her brothel sisters are close, they are not that close. A mother's love is different and she never received it. No one can love you more than your mother and MaoMao was deprived of that. She soon realised that no one was coming. Life is hard and she has no choice but to face it!

So, she got interested in poison.

Maybe she doesn't love herself or her life as much as she says / pretends she does. She's always like "yeah, I would very much like my head to be with my body" and "if I stay low profile maybe I can survive here" etc but maybe deep down that's not the case. Maybe that's why she loves poison so much. The implications are crazy.

And to break MaoMao's shell, Jinshi has no choice but to be a bit more forceful at times? At least that's how I interpret that choking scene. Jinshi was angry at MaoMao because she deliberately suggested him to marry consort Rishu and danced with Rikuson.

Even if Jinshi never said it outright, he was giving hints the entire time.

But well the tables turned and MaoMao topped him instead, lol (vol 7) and later we even see that our little stray cat has accepted Jinshi and she's ready to be in a relationship with him (vol 12).

Plus she is intrigued by the process of birth (she wants to eat her baby's placenta, it's kind of uggghhh.... but anyways, that MaoMao we're talking about, she's just weird that way)

Maybe not after too long she'll realise that if she has to give birth, she can only have it with Jinshi and no one else.

~Sunshine

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