#it's a depressing slap these days

[moki-dokie]

I was obsessed with this song when it came out - in 2003. little did i realize how much worse it would get. i don't think i even had the ability as a freshly minted teenager to fathom a future worse than all of this. i don't think most of us did tbh. after all, we were promised the best and brightest and most fulfilling future of any generation. we lucky millennials. and yet 20 years later, here we are. living every dystopian nightmare we never thought possible as kids. in 20 years a song depicting what seemed like the worst outcome i could think of is now normal. idk maybe we should have seen all the blaring warning signs but for fucks sake most of them were buried in comedy, irony, sarcasm, fiction, or music that was mostly underground. no wonder we didn't think to take it seriously. anyway. have a listen. (and do keep in mind the language of the time) lyrics under the cut

Lyrics:

Your cellphone, your wallet, your time, your ideas. No bar-code, no party, no ID, no beers. Your bankcard, your license, your thoughts, your fears. No SIM card, no disco, no photo, not here. Your blood, your sweat, your passions, your regrets. Your profits, your time off, your fashions, your sex. Your pills, your grass, your tits, your ass. Your laughs, your balls, we want it all (we want your soul).

Your cash, your house, your phone, your life (we want your soul).

Tell us your habits, your fads, your fears. Give us your address, your shoe size, your years. Your digits, your plans, your number, your eyes. Your schedule, your desktop, your details, your life. Show us your children, your photos, your home. Here, take credit, take insurance, take a loan. Get a job, get a pension, get a haircut, get a suit. Play the lottery, play football, play the field, snort some toot.

We'll show you shrinks, we'll show you spooks, we'll buy you drinks, throw away your books. We'll sell you crap, we'll charge you tax, we're out buying big guns and you'll front the cash (we want your soul).

Your cash, your house, your phone, your life (we want your soul).

Your thoughts, your emotions, your love, your dreams. Your checkbook, your essence, your sweat, your screams. Your security, your sobriety, your innocence, your society. Your self, your place, your distance, your space.

[Bill Hicks] Go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here. Watch this. Shut up. You are free to do as we tell you. You are free to do as we tell you.

Here's boy bands, here's Mackers, here's Britney, here's cola. Here's pizza, here's TV, here's some rock and some roller. Watch commercials, more commercials, watch Jerry, not Oprah. Buy a better life from the comfort of your sofa. Here's popcorn, here's magazines, here's milkshakes, here's blue jeans. Here's padded bras, here's armpit wax, here's football shirts, here's baseball caps. Here's live talk-shows, here's video games, here's cola-lite, here's ten more lanes. Here's filter-tips, here's collagen lips, here's all-night malls, here's plastic hips (we want your soul).

Your cash, your house, your phone, your life (we want your soul). [Bill Hicks] Go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this. Shut up. Go back to bed America, here's American Gladiators. Here's 56 channels of it. Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together, and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go America. You are free to do as we tell you. You are free to do as we tell you.

No hippies, no strays, no drop-outs, no gays. No lefties, no loonies, no opinions, no way. No thinkers, no teachers, no facts, no freaks. No skaters, no tweakers, no truth, no sleep.

Here's popcorn, here's magazines, here's milkshakes, here's blue jeans. Here's padded bras, here's armpit wax, here's football shirts, here's baseball caps. Here's very very very very very very very very very very very very long infomercials.

#music #adam freeland #we want your soul #tunes #song #feeling a little bitter about the world today #although this song still slaps #it's a depressing slap these days #rather than one that makes me laugh because lol no way #r-slur warning just btw but again that was part of the language of the time #especially from bill hicks #Youtube

[todayisafridaynight]

it is the middle of summer

#rgg #ryu ga gotoku #ryu ga gotoku 7 #yakuza series #yakuza 7 #yakuza like a dragon #arasawa #masumi arakawa #jo sawashiro #snap sketches #spoilers he is doing it on purpose. //slaps my dome// this bad boy can think of SO many ways to make jo smile and be a lil silly #GOOFY BEHAVIOR #it might be summer for the north but i know it winter in australia and like Close Enough right. this is still valid #i have a regular drawing of jo with arakawas scarf but i didnt like it. so i mad a whole comic instead ☠️ #ALSO THREE CHEERS FOR BOANFIDE OLD MAN YURI THIS TIME !!!! I FOUND A WAY TO DO IT WITHOUT IT BEING DEPRESSING #this is a warning for things to come #anywy <3 aoki eased the leash on jo long nuff for him to have a day with arakawa aint that special aint that sweet #Real Talk Time. growing up i hated bundling for winter that shit was just so excessive #and my dad would aLWAYYS be like 'son what is this youre going to get SICK' and he'd bully me about wearing a scarf #or at the very least bully zipping/buttoning my coat. i think of it every time it starts to get cold out #i stil hate wearing scarves and i still hate zipping all my stuff up but still... lol..... #for my birthday my dad actually gave me an old scarf cause i was still refusing to bundle up despite how freezing it was ☠️ #its not like i like the cold i always complain about it dont i i just dont like my neck being touched ENOUGH #ok thats all bye bye im gona watch One Missed Call #i told my twitter friend i was gonna make her a master list of all the tsutsumi and nakai stuff ive watched #and i wanted to watch that before i did #while im on this tangent tho im going insane over the fact i cant find the third We Sell Antiques movie online and im MAD #i KNOW the movie just came out this january but LEMME WATCH #ok bye i have movie watching to do LMAO #please enjoy the rare True And Honest old man yuri. before i make everyone sad this weekend

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol #this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable #im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work #property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me #like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well #and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for #Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too #like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and #down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy #last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just #feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b #put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back #down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then #that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her #i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better #on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out #dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really? #ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious. #i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles #but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol #unrelated

[rinofwater]

So was anyone gonna tell me that too much caffeine can worsen depression or was I supposed to figure that out for myself after sipping too much 'self-loathing bastard' juice?

#personal #ive been deep in my feels the last few days #and ive been sitting here like where the fuck is this even coming from i cut out all the stressors hello #am i just predisposed to hate myself forever??? #no #ive been having too much cold brew #and i know this because i wake up today with an obnoxious ass headache as if im having caffeine withdrawals #even though i had a latte yesterday just not the cold brew #the cold brew thats got waaaaaaaay more caffeine per serving than the latte (and i usually end up having about two servings in one go) #and you know what? the self-loathing bastard energy just aint slapping today somehow #just the damn headache and some vague queasiness #(and annoyance at how my new curtains for my room are doing a piss poor job of staving off the evil hate orb but that's a different thing) #and its like okay i know caffeine can worsen anxiety and it can have the opposite expected effect for folks with adhd #is there a link with depression too? #studies say...yeah there might be a link especially if youre already predisposed to it #so uh #yeah today i learned i guess #i need to take that snide self-deprecating remark off my sideblog too...whoops

[dadbots]

August… time to get spooky.

#dadbots.txt #this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes. #I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh. #idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs. #best way to describe it LOL #been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just. #where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda. #just one of those moments yknow. #it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest - #- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing. #I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it. #I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month - #and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really. #don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often #and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow. #maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year. #not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat #though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all. #won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well. #and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really? #shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year. #I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now. #let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way. #hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽

[ss-trashboat]

me: actually have free time! where i don't have to worry about time constraints! can actually be active again!

life: potentially moving, apartment hunting hell, tendonitis flare up

me: :')

#trashy yells #yeah i a lot has happened since sunday #the new owners of the building i live in suck #been two months and my rent is already increasing #the building manager is not the best #been three weeks of trying to get something fixed #so yeah looking to move #got slapped in the face with disappointment three times today #and the thought of splitting my kitties up after one person asked sent me into a depression spiral #but we have potential apartments so. holding onto hope #and yeah my left arm has been fucked the past few days so that's nice #having a time oof

[kinjomae]

me when i try to convince my defective segment bff to come join me so i dont have to kill him [ he refuses so i give him my vision since i know sooner or later im either dead or reverted back to being normal again ]

i mean what ? anyways this is based off of the song come along with me from the pibbys: apocalypse mod [ please please check it out i love the mod sooo MUCH .

#genshin oc #art #oc art #his fatui design is based off his concept / og design because i accidentally gave him that delusion instead of inazuma vision SKULL #its what inspired me to make villain lore w him #this baby has so much depressing lore in him [ slaps his head #idk maybe one day ill share

[latinokaeya-moving]

i remember when i first saw people referring to raiden / scaramouche as a mother son duo i used to get all irritated n be like ugh how lame n boring ( < person that has personal beef with the way fandom insists on only ever conceptualising undefined/unclear relationships within the confines of a traditional nuclear family unit) but then i got to the sumeru archon quest n watched the cutscene where he is quite literally like “the first person to betray me was a god, my own mother” and i had to eat my own words LMFAO i was literally like oh. it’s like actually fr real. okay

#x #gi posting #the mother son thing became funny to me then at least. shoutout to that iconic post abt daddy issues making u depressed while mommy issues #makes u insane. saur true #sorry i am a little bit of a hater here i will admit. i did harbor hatred in my heart. tbf it’s not my fault ppl will see literally any kind #of dynamic n slap on one of three familial dynamics n then call it a day okay 😭😭 i get sick of it

[recurring-polynya]

Whats your opinion on Koga Kuchiki?

I've already answered this before. The TL; DR is that he's awful and I love him. I think it bears repeating that: 1) The scene where he cuts off his kenseikan and throws them at Ginrei is the funniest thing that ever happened in Bleach

2a) I believe with all my heart that there is at least one conspiracy theorist in one of the Kuchiki branch families who is convinced that Renji is Kouga's secret son (the height? the pink hair? the accessorizing???) and that's how he got to be Squad 6 Vice Captain

2b) There is no way 2a is true, come on, like Ginrei would dump an inconvenient infant in the deep Rukon. Er. Well. He would, but he didn't. It's not true. But also it would be really funny if he did. 

#koga kuchiki #i just rewatched the episodes with him the other day because i was depressed and i stand by my previous opinion #this guy slaps #i often throw oblique references to him in my fanfic and if anyone ever picks up on them they must do a very strong I Do Not See It #b/c no one ever comments on it #love this for my readers #also it just fits that byakuya has a problematic dead uncle that no one will talk about out loud YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE

[todayisafridaynight]

seonhee and sawashiro both being associated with purple's the most evil shit in the world now who the fuck am i supposed to put in my purple card holder

#snap chats #sorry guys im one of those girlies who are super into card holders now </3 esp the ones you can customize </3 #highkey i got this cause i wanted to put my school id in it so i didnt have to take my wallet out every time i needed to get in my buildin #BUT ON THE LOWEST OF KEYS I GOT IT TO BE MENTALLY ILL TOO i was obsessed watchin people journal and make cute card holders #i dont get recc'd those vids anymore but i remember watchin em an bein like MAN i wanna do that.... thats so cute.. #on the real i think card holder customizing's healthy for me. it helps me learn to use things i buy LMAO #CAUSE WITH STICKERS AND THE SORT I HOARD THEM AND NEVER USE EM #and i always get buyer's guilt even if it's something small so i just think. i have to learn letting go and things not being perfect is ok #YOU BOUGHT IT SO USE IT like those ishin colognes... like the scent'll fade anyway i should use them while i can... #as much fun and therapeutic I Think as this was tho i cant imagine having a need to get another card holder... tragedy.. #regardless. this card holder's really cute </3 spoilers it's a kuromi one cause i needed more purple in my room i fuckin guess #the stickers were real cute.. also there was a lil baku... hi baku <3 #which leads me back to my problem. '''''''problem''''''' yeah i dont even have a printer here but when i go back to my ma's i wanna be sick #walmart lets you get photos on that GLOSSY PAPER... tempted... anyway no listen to my non problems #cause in my heart i do associate kuromi with seonhee alright it just makes sense. PLUS baku and joon-gi #COUNTERPOINT. HOWEVER. there is no image funnier than slapping a depressed middle aged man who prob has a worryin body count #into a card holder decorated with hearts and sweets and bows with a big ass heart keychain danglin off it. like cmon #big brain move is to print out one pic each of em and just swap em out every other day LOOOL #i just want an excuse to show off the card holder.. i get why people have these now this was fun and cute.... #ok bye i think ive been ill enough tonight #i thought i was gonna finish another comm but ☠️ ill just do them tomorrow morning they wont take long..

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#tfw u spend the day being catastrophically depressed then u remember how kush1na uzumak1 is treated by the plot of #narut0 and u get so fucking angry that u stop thinking abt how miserable u r for 2hrs as u furiously draw out an idea #it makes me so fucking mad. but like in a way that fun bc its like who cares its not that serious #and when i get depressed i just like. i dont give a fuck abt anything. there is a film between me and everything and nothing can touch me #except apparently my fucking insane feelings about narut0. like im genuinely so embarrassing when ppl irl make the mistake of talking abt #narut0 to me irl. like i get SO excited. i move my arms a lot and stamp my feet and just get real enthusiastic and my voice goes all weird #and i cant get my thoughts straight bc i have so so so much to say. which is like fine. its just embarrassing to me personally #bc i kno i tent to stay on the subjects im interested in for way longer than most ppl would probably enjoy #and after i watched star trek into darkness in hs i was like at my peak star trek phase and i was talking a mile a minute #and then my sister was like: y is your voice all weird? and it was like she slapped me in the face. slapped me thru time. u bitch 😭 #this is y im not allowed to enjoy things 😭 also bc im annoying abt it. ugh. anyway. point is i got so mad abt the misogyny of kishimoto #that i forgot how fucking awful i was feeling for a minute. so thank u for hating women so much u fucking bastard lol #when will i post the idea im planning? who tf knows. its gonna take. well idk how long itll take #unrelated

[redlightofdawn]

.

#if I ever say a bad word about partner in the future do slap me #spent the last couple days in a lovely combo of anxiety-depression-panic-nonverbal blanket gremlin #and in between checking up on me he cleaned up and organized the whole kitchen #did dishes and trash and kitty litter #and did some redecorating based on something I said a while back #he's just Best #I have no idea what I did to deserve this man

[girl-bateman]

when I see an ugly picture of myself but my little sister is sitting next to me and I don't want her to internalise my toxic and appearance-obssesed self hate so I have to keep it in

#ok ok for the record i dont think im ugly #but whenever i see an ugly picture of myself i feel deeply disgusted and ashamed #bc i feel like everyone around me should have told me i was ugly all along instead of lying #and i feel embarrassed bc i should have realised sooner that this is who i am #and everytime ive felt pretty its been a twisted delusion or some sort of lie to cope with myself #and then i look at myself in the mirror and question everything i thought i knew #bc its been very fun to view myself as attractive ! and usually i do like the way i look #but when something puts that worldview into question i feel like my whole sense of self crashes #and ive had moments like this before #its always a picture someone took witouth me looking and its like a slap to the face when i see it #bc my first though is 'so thats what i actually look like' #and then i feel depressed about it for a couple of days #(tw ed for the next part->) #look i dont have an ed but i know talk about food and exercise could be triggering #and i really dont mean to offend anyone by saying this even though i realise it is kind of an assohole thing to say #but i look so fat in those candid photos of me and i feel incredibly dumb for not realising that myself #and then i think i should think more about what i eat #or how much i eat #or maybe go to the gym or SOMETHING ?? idk #and it really sucks bc i think i have a pretty healthy relationship with food #i eat mostly vegetarian and i cook for me and my family and none of them have the same problem i do #but then again even if i eat healthy i have a big sweet tooth and my sugar-urges have been a huge problem all my life #and yeah yeah i get it everyone has a craving sometimes but for me its like i cant think abt anything else if i have that craving #and i will settle for candy that is gross just to satisfy the urge #and ill eat stuff at home even if i know ill get in trouble for it #btw i realize how annoying i sound #but i feel like i cant talk abt it irl without ppl getting worried or pitying me or lying to me #so this is just my little vent and PLS dont take anything ive said too seriously #personal

[love-songs-for-emma]

"the becoming part 2" truly is buffy summers' No Good Very Bad Day

in no particular order: ya girl's best friend ends up in a coma, one of her few other friends (the only one who can Truly understand the burden of being The Chosen One) /dies/, she gets accused of /murder/, expelled from school, secret exposed to her mom & told nvr to return home. the only upside is that bestie saved the world from eternal damnation, but at the cost of killing the love of her life who ofc returned to his body moments before she's abt to kill him, i--

at what point do u just Quit. no wonder she sad-boy'd dramatically away at the end on a bus like smth out of the old hulk comics whenever bruce would lose his cool & have to skip town

#i'm so emotional #buffy deserves a hug #buffy spoilers #btvs spoilers #me tagging spoilers as tho this show isnt two decades old & i'm not the only one on my tl watching it for the first time sdkfjsk #btvs #buffy #buffy summers #loml #can't stop thinking abt this ep #s2 of buffy rlly fuckin' popped off. like actually wtf. every episode Slapped #i'm so glad i'm finally watching it. ty to spn emma if for some reason ur seeing this/reading this tags. the buffy watch group is #So important to me #.txt #maria is literally just rambling. hi #buffy was one of my sister's favorite shows growing up & i both feel like i'm doing something On My Own by watching it finally /and/ #connected to her thru it. very lovely #brain been so good the last few days. now i'm truly rambling but depression haze clearing for the first time in months & everything is #wonderful #<33 #buffy.txt

[wafflesdenweasels]

Me: *beating myself up because I only am moderately good at most of the things I can do and have a hard time staying focused on one thing*

Literally anyone, doing the thing or not doing the thing: Oh that so cool! I’d love to try that/Wanna do the thing together sometime?/ Wanna see the thing I’m good at

Moral of the story, people don’t think about how good you are at something, they just think it’s cool that you do the thing. And if they ARE dicks about it, they aren’t worth your brainspace. I mean, I’m learning bass. O know some super talented bass players who are just thrilled that I’m even picking up the instrument on occasion. They don’t care that I’m not great and that I’m confused. They often teach me things.

When I first started writing, no matter how shitty it was, my grandpa, who is a professional writer, always told me I was doing amazing. So I kept writing. And ya I know I could have never published what I wrote before, but I got better, even though I was only writing little bits at a time.

When I started voice, only one person tried to put me down. A few years later and I had almost ruined my voice, and had totally lost the ability to properly balance it, and was getting swelling in a tendon in my neck because of the tension I was putting on myself to please this person who I was never good enough for. So I walked away and found someone who taught me the skills I needed to bring my voice back to where it should be. Turns out I’m not an alto 2. I’m a soprano 2.

I just took up roller skating. I thought it would be embarrassing learning something new now that I am legally an adult. Turns out people, skaters and non skater, just think I’m cool for even owning them.

I’m going to be starting school for sound tech this fall. I am terrified because I know nothing about it. All I have is my background in music and a few songs I wrote because I like poetry. When I was on my tour, the guy told me “ya know, I only knew a few chords on guitar when I started here” and now he teaches at the damn school.

My brain likes to tell me I’m not good enough to do something. That I need to be the best at it to even do it, so I have to constantly fight with it, and teach it to do things because I enjoy doing them, and not because I need to be good at it. Being good at things comes with time, and even when I am good at something, I don’t really see it anyway. I don’t know if anyone relates to this, but it’s been on my mind a bit and I thought someone might need to hear it too.

I can tell my brain perfection isn’t possible a million times over and never get through to it, but when I give it a thought out, logical reason why, that it can’t refute or spin into some shitstorm, I can actually do things I enjoy without worrying about judgment or harping on myself about being shit at it.

#mental health #adhd #perfectionism #anxiety #depression shit #my brain needs a hug sometimes #or a slap #depends on the day

[tardis--dreams]

I am once again signing up for way too many seminars knowing fully well I've never managed more than 27 points since starting university and yet aiming for 50

#someone come and slap me please #also add 60 hours of work each month #so if we go by the theory that one point is one hour per week #(which is not the case because a 4 point seminar already has 4 hours of Presence time #PLUS the time you need to spend on studying and reading etc) #that'd be 65 hours per week #which is roughly 10 hours per day #which is something i have not managed to do outside of actual structured jobs #where i had to be present and work shifts #this is unrealistic #but if feel like i need to make up for the points i lost last semester #(i got a total of 9 woooowww #because i just lost all structure and motivation and spent all my time depressed in bed #but still #i need to do better #and it's not like other people don't manage twice of the points I'm aiming for #i know people who do 70 each semester #i feel so bad lmao #ok ill shut up now #i hate university