#it's MY depression so I get to choose the coping mechanisms!
Lord of the Rings as Cursed BTS Images
because i am depressed so i am combining three things i like: lotr, bts, and cursed images
here is some content, y’all
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Writing Characters With Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD);
Hi everyone, long time no see! :) I'm finally back and my mental health is a lot better than before. Today, I'll be covering the main do's and don't's of writing a character with GAD, and describing panic attacks in depth.
DISCLAIMER: I'm diagnosed with with GAD myself; however, I tried my best to get other people's experiences into this post. I'll be adding the links to their blogs/sites at the end of the post, feel free to check them out.
What is GAD?
It's a common chronic disorder characterised by long-lasting anxiety that is not focused on any one object or situation. Those suffering from GAD experience non-specific persistent fear and worry and become overly concerned with everyday matters. A person with GAD might find themselves having problems making daily decisions and remembering commitments as a result of lack of concentration/preoccupation with worry.
Symptoms of GAD
tight lips or a pallid look
tap their feet a lot, fidget or stammer
tearful which can suggest depression
panic, fear, uneasiness
uncontrollable, obsessive thoughts
flashbacks of traumatic experiences
shortness of breath
numbness/tingling in arms and legs
being extremely quiet or extremely loud
Keep in mind that your character might not have all the symptoms listed.
DON'T write anxiety as your character's only personality trait. You make a character, develop them fully with likes, dislikes and backstories then give them anxiety. However, your character can have personality traits as a result of their anxiety; for example, your character can understand and/or be able to help others when they (other characters) are panicking or feeling anxious because your character with GAD will most likely develop their own coping mechanisms for dealing with mild/"normal" anxiety/stress.
DON'T just randomly slap anxiety onto any character that comes along. Choose if GAD for this character is usually a "mild" issue, but can be pushed over the edge during certain events. Since GAD is common, chances are that someone with it might read your story and if you don't do your research, your characterisation will not be consistent and the person reading your story most likely will find it very harmful representation.
DON'T tell the character having a panic attack to "calm down" (unless those around your character are unsympathetic). IT MAKES EVERYTHING WORSE. You'd think that if we knew how to "calm down", we wouldn't be in a panic attack in the first place. 😀
DON'T, I repeat, DON'T make your character have a panic attack and then their s/o come along and then suddenly everything is fine *SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION* That is NOT how a panic attack works!
DO let your character overthink the little things. The tone of their voice, making eye contact, if they actually like a certain thing or if their brain is lying to them, etc. And let this constant worry get in the way of making the littlest decisions such as going out with friends, going to school, doing their homework, paying attention in class, etc.
DO give your character a real, believable worry -one that can give anyone stress- and magnify it so the stress and anxiety start to penetrate other parts of your character's life. These symptoms can be played with and set up in a way that moves your character arc forward and create interesting conflict in your story.
DO decide when your character's anxiety is at its worst but it's not quite a panic attack. Random things can make your character feel so anxious, such as, loud noises, being alone, being in a crowd, heights, speed, being in tight spaces, etc. Try to make it make sense to the character. So they're afraid of speed because a loved one got into a car accident because they were recklessly speeding? You decide.
What is a Panic Attack?
I'll be comparing the differences between anxiety and panic attacks in another post. A panic attack can be triggered by anything that your character has past with. It can be something they fear, hate or even love, but it can turn into fear, anxiety and panic very quickly if the character is in an unknown situation.
Panic attacks can hurt more than a heart attack, yes it is that bad. That's why when the character's heart is palpitating and beating so fast it hurts, the character might think they're dying. They might even be able to hear their heart pounding. So they start to hyperventilate and in most cases their lungs go "aight imma head out", then they can't breathe and their chest hurts so they panic even more because obviously. They might start crying at any of the previous stages and they might feel like they're being choked and they'll most likely also experience hot/cold flashes and/or chills. And since their blood was being pumped to everything but their brain, they might start feeling dizzy and they'll start shaking/shivering or both. They might even experience depersonalisation (as if their feelings are detached from the situation) because of all the intense emotions.
Keep in mind your character can experience only a few of these symptoms or even all of them. Moreover, anything can trigger this. I once had a series of panic attacks because someone told me to stop stuttering and speak properly. 😐
Remember Anxiety can control and take over a person’s life if it’s given the chance to. This makes it an effective way to create a character that sticks to the status quo at the start of your novel. As your novel progresses, the character can learn to deal with their anxiety. However, it’s highly unlikely that they’ll ever be completely over it. Much like with every mental health problem, there is no magic bullet. Once it’s in your life, it will always be a part of you.
That's it for today folks! I hope everyone is having a wonderful day and good bye! 🥰💕
No one would actually miss me if I were gone. I keep avoiding things as self harm and suicide but it is everywhere and I normally don’t get triggered or anything BUT I JUST WANT ONE DAY WHERE I DOMT THINK THAT killing myself would be the best and only option. It is tho. No more pain. But what pain I don’t even have pain. I just want to die for no reason. I am so pathetic, people are depressed for better reasons and here comes the whiny crybaby that wants to die because what? You don’t like school. I should die because I deserve it. I have no value. I don’t do anything. I just want to lie down and feel nothing and also everything. Everything kinda feels numb. Nothing really excites me. Yea the drama I create. Having crushes and almost revealing it. But we all know that is all fake. A weird coping mechanism just to feel something. Tv shows aren’t enough anymore so you play around and pretend you like someone. Eventually your body imitates the signs of love. Heart beat increase, body feels warm. Weird stomach feels. I have to be honest. I can do that on commando. If that is love. Then I can choose who I love. So is that being no or Pan? Shouldn’t this come of as natural. I don’t know. I am so tired. I can’t think straight. I am just so bored out of my mind. Maybe something exciting happens if I have tinder. Who knows. I meet a psycho person. Or someone who genuinely likes me. Scratch the last one, I don’t care tbh. I just want someone to cuddle and watch shows with and sometimes fuck. And if you are going to say that is a relationship then don’t get one because a relationship is more than that. It’s honestly a pain. I can give life a year probably. If next year is still sucky then I prolly gonna write some Shit down for my funeral.
I definitely want to have holier songs, because he is amazing. Everyone has to go classic black or white. My bestie of je still is my bestie can think of a few songs that would fit me. I believe in him. In a year or so we probably don’t talk anymore. My attitude keeps changing.
I hope watching shows where everyone is depressed or so doesn’t you know make it worse. I do remember watching a show where like every episode was a trigger and after that I was fucked up. No idea what show. Probably forgot it.
I keep getting weird image thoughts. It’s bloody and gore. I hate it. Things I wanna do to me. But I don’t wanna. I hate pain. The idea that //tw Selfharm// a sharp blade goes into my skin and rips it open so badly that I can just put my fingers into it and fuck it more up. Nah I’m good. Or the thoughts where I grab a mega knife and keep stabbing me everywhere. I hate my legs. I hate my arms. I hate everything that is called my body. I am ugly. I know that. I want to draw things on my skin but it’s gonna hurt. I’m sensitive.
So sensitive. In every way. I cry easily. I overthink everything. But if you punched me then it probably hurt so badly. Every time someone hits me. I want to cry. Maybe emotional cry or just physically cry. You know. I deserve to get punched. I hope I get murdered by a gunshot into my head. I should Go into drugs. They always have guns and funny business. Bruh where do you find them drugs. I also could overdose.
me: i’m an age dreamer!!
also me: *involuntary regresses 3 times in one day*
on a serious note, i made a post awhile ago(last november) discussing how i wasn’t fully regressing anymore, and how it was more for fun now. i talked about how i had healed from a lot of things, so that i didn’t really need to fully regress anymore, and i found the term age dreaming to be more fitting for what i was feeling at the time. i totally misunderstood myself, so here’s what actually happened during that post. i didn’t fully heal or recover from anything, i actually had recently left a partner who made me feel terrible for talking about my trauma and abuser. i was forcing myself to get over trauma towards the end of that relationship, and after it, so from the outside it looked like i was better, but i wasn’t. i wasn’t experiencing as many depressive episodes because i was happy to be out of that relationship. my anxiety wasn’t as bad because i wasn’t afraid of accidentally setting someone off anymore. that partner was also my cg before i left, so regressing without having one made me sad, so i didn’t force myself to. this lead to me using other coping mechanisms which lead to age regression being more of a fun thing then a coping mechanism. the mindset i experienced then was an innocent and childish one, but just a mindset, so i felt more comfortable calling myself an age dreamer since i wasn’t fully regressing. when those coping mechanisms stopped working i turned to that mindset more often. since february i was fully regressing again, and age regression became my top coping mechanism. i didn’t think about changing my label because i figured it wasn’t that important, but recently i have been experiencing involuntary regression quite often, and if i want to post about it i think some people might get confused as to why im talking about that, and then saying in that post that i’m choosing to call myself an age dreamer because i don’t fully regress. so if you read this then hello! i am once again changing my about me back to what it was before, and am no longer calling myself an age dreamer. the only difference is no i’m going to add adhd to reasons why i regress since now i know for sure i have it. if you read this then thank you for looking at me ramble! i’m sure you all don’t mind me changing my label, but i still wanted to post just in case anyone is curious as to why the about me changed again. have a good day or night and remember that i love you my friend 💌
p.s. if you want to read the post i’m talking about then search up “label” in the search bar of my blog, and it’ll come up
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This past year, due to a combination of covid quarantine, my depression, and just my overall fear of letting people down, I've come to develop this series of habits which is pretty bad:
I show up late to everything. Like, to the point where I've noticed that people expect it from me. 'now' means 10 minutes from now to people. 'soon' now connotes 30 minutes minimum. :/
I can literally message someone that I'm on my way to something, and then sit there, immobilized, for another 10 minutes, 20, an hour even, doing nothing, because I don't have the energy or the willpower to get up.
I sometimes agree to do something, show up somewhere, join for something....and then I change my mind. But I'm too afraid of disappointing people so I don't tell them that I don't want to go anymore. Or maybe something was already planned so I can't back out. So instead I show up late - as if that wouldn't disappoint people (but it always does. And probably even more so, at that).
So instead of constantly disappointing people in this way, I instead just choose to keep everything vague. I "might" be available. I "have some work" so "maybe if I finish." "I'm not sure yet, might be busy." yeahahh busy with moping around maybe. It's come to the point where people actually think I'm super busy lmao.
It sucks, but this is the coping mechanism that I've developed. Because if I rsvp, or agree to something, then there's an expectation. The one time I voted for a vball time this semester, I had a rough morning and showed up 2 hours late. Tbh, I didn't even expect people to notice that I was missing...but they actually did: so as a result I just pissed off a bunch of people for being late lol, and got highkey called out for it from a bajillion sides - yeah that's fun.
So instead, I just show up to volleyball unannounced. I show up to random hangouts unannounced. When I do schedule hangouts, they're often scheduled the day of, since I have the highest chance of not needing to (or wanting to) cancel them then.
Instead, I just choose not to talk to people. To not respond. To pretend not to care. Can't disappoint people more if they're already in a constant state of disappointment in me, right?
I hate myself. I hate that I'm like this, I hate the way I am. I hate that I can't agree to things and pull my own weight. I hate that I have the audacity to "reschedule" (aka cancel) on people, 3 or 4 or 5 times in a row. I hate that even something as simple as showing up to things has become a chore that is too heavy. I hate that my very existence is a burden which only remains to disappoint others. I hate that I can't even uphold the basic decency of honor and respect to others, just to show up at the time that I agree to show up. Or even to show up at all. I hate that I am still living, for if I were not then I would not have this chance to let people down, again and again, and again and again.
Yet among all this darkness, I'm supposed to somehow find the light which is God. ....lol where??
I am loved, they say. I am worthy, they assure me...
God, open my eyes to - no scratch that - give me new eyes, for this current set can only see my sin. If I am truly loved and enough and filled and redeemed and worthy like they say, like your Word and You say, then please, please help me to see and believe it.
Does anybody care about what drinks I've had or what strain of weed I smoked? I'm bored.! Protect your sobriety I'm just a random hippie.
Ice Cream Cake
Gummies (They were NOT shaped like bears. I did some heavy sleeping and staring, that's about it.)
Joints are the best way to smoke. I think you need to smoke joints for while first before you buy your own piece because it's such a control thing and I feel like it's too much responsibility. Glass is really pretty though and I will probably end up collecting it even if I end up not smoking on a regular basis at all. Support your local artists! Also I hate hearing people tell me that I have to smoke or "learn" how to smoke. There should be no pressure on you to consume it any certain way. It's literally not normal. It's just for fun.
I got all of these from Native Roots and Earl's Leadville in Colorado. + There's More !!! But most of the first strains I didn't enjoy and I don't remember a lot of them and I'm not sure where they were from. Don't buy from people without a license. Also, taking a road trip to buy your weed and enjoying it in the state where it's recreational is a 5-star experience compared to smuggling your weed back to the midwest or something and getting depressed or smoking alone. I wish it was recreational in the south because it's really a good "mood stabilizer" in really extreme political climates. CBD is genuinely really helpful if you think you need to smoke pot. But if you get high it won't be as effective. I think you can self-medicate with CBD+ for literally anything it just depends on how your body reacts to it, and if you were trying it alone and you didn't like it, it would be so easy to refuse it again - it's not addictive. But I recommend you get a CBD prescription if you NEED, which should be legal everywhere now. It's expensive, but if you're an athlete or you don't go out to eat or drive or something you might have extra money and energy for it. These assholes were extremely stingy and suspicious about it - it was my first time - and I was stuck with them because I had never smoked before and they didn't want to get in trouble. They were paranoid and they literally tortured me and now I'm getting a lawyer because they lied to me and they were homophobic perverts. Your local drug dealer from the midwest or new England is not a good guy and you shouldn't support them. Also it's already illegal so they won't tell you the laws and they will do a bunch of petty stuff to get you involved to avoid getting in trouble. I don't support them anymore but this girl I was friends with since we were like 10, her brother and cousin sell weed and god knows what else, and she just lied to me my entire life about avoiding him and his life and priorities and she just forced me to see him again and it was the pits.
You know that feeling when you're helplessly high in public? That's me! lol
For alcohol I just accepted what was given to me. I was underage for most of my drinking and I don't recommend giving your money to someone 21+ to buy drinks for you. Only a creep would do that. If someone you trust shares with you then that's okay but it's more fun to go out and choose something that was invented and made by professionals and has good flavor and being in a nice environment and all of that.
Box Wine - Red
Box Wine (Franzia) - White
Yacca - (I've told you about this?) A Russian drink with just lemonade and vodka. Best if fresh lemons and I had this at a house party where someone put it in a giant plastic storage bin and gave everyone cups. It was kinda gross and sticky but a fun idea if I was older or at my own place.
PBR (The only decent cheap beer.)
Imperial Whiskey (Literally like motor oil - do not consume.)
Barefoot Wine (Red & Pink, tastes like cranberry juice, I recommend this for people who want to get drunk for the first time because it's really tasty and easy on your body.)
UV Blue? (Disgusting)
Stout (Chocolate is lol)
Rum (Silver Rum is really good.)
Caramel/Cashew Whiskey (Very good, I needed whiskey redemption.)
Bell's Pine/Citrus Ale (My favorite local draft beer or whatever!)
Honestly, it's just not worth talking about all of them, I don't remember and I didn't get to choose what I was drinking half of the time or I was in bad company. I've literally puked more times than I should have thought about the people I was drinking with.
Colorado draft beer is everything. The ski-town breweries in Colorado have some of the tastiest beer in the world, I think. They have beer from all over the world, a really good selection. And they have really good vegan/vegetarian food most of the time.
I've basically had nothing that was made for me and I've never been able to drink for fun. I think that's part of the binge drinking addiction is people love to be under pressure. I'm not like that, I genuinely like alcohol. It's in my DNA. I'm a foodie, a connoisseur.
A good rule of thumb is if you feel comfortable breaking the law to sell drugs and alcohol, or you want to control others' experiences with drugs and alcohol, you are probably struggling with a drug and alcohol problem. You could never have the same experience as someone else. If they never want to talk to you about what's going on or explain their behavior or anything like that then you should avoid them. Because when you're older and actually able to treat yourself, they're not someone you're actually going to enjoy spending time with. As an artist, I love talking about these things and we should normalize these conversations, not just drugs and alcohol out of context. It's not nerdy to know what's going on or to have your preferences!!! It's important!
Okay. Anyway, just reminding you I'm a citizen and I'm turning 25 next month and my life is shit. Art was a huge coping mechanism for me but it's too much energy now/I'm struggling more physically and mentally and I can't multi-task that much which is really frustrating for me. Multi-tasking is a good way to tell if you are sober or not. That's all life should ask of us. You shouldn't have to sacrifice your peace and happiness for a job.
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It’s okay if you want to turn your eyes away, and leave me behind. I don’t mind one tiny bit. This is more like my private little cove where it’s public enough you can come here, you can sit and watch, while I perform these odd performances. but like someone wandering up to a strange street performance, who settles themselves down to see what this is, don’t worry and don’t hesitate, don’t feel bad to walk away. I’m not exactly trying to perform, it’s more like the wild crazy street preacher who preaches on and on, that’s more like me, though he has no one to listen. I am preaching to myself to fill myself with meaning and happiness, even if I look agonized, don’t worry ... I do like it, and it stands alone on its own, with or without an audience. I know it’s not the perfect analogy but it’s the closest one I can think of at the moment.
This picture shows a boardwalk between the edge of big lake, between the shore and waterline. It was a magical place.
I always, or often, feel like I am walking along the edge. It’s a mess for anyone to see, and hear, and feel if they feel empathy about me. If they’re psychic and empathic they might pick up on the chaos my mind, heart, soul and emotions are all turbulently swimming, and sometimes almost feeling like it’s drowning in. I don’t want anyone to feel any way obligated and trapped, because I think that this blog of course is no kind of obligation, but still in the world of social media and the internet people create friendly connections very casually and quickly with other people and follow them and such and then they might not know what they’re getting into. The internet opens a thousands of doors to all kinds of strange and unprecedented situations of self-revelation and behavior you would never see in the real world. So maybe you didn’t know what you were signing up for. Maybe I didn’t know what I was signing up for when I started this blog. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. My reactions go of their own accord when I’m unmining (why did I want to say that, “unmining”, maybe I’ll mine that imaginary word to see if I find any meaning in it for me. The way my weird brain word and language mistakes often help me, like I’ve said before). But yeah, when I’m unearthing this chaos that is in me. Then things like defense mechanisms and coping devices take over, unconsciously and I can’t even see them or if I do I can’t stop them. So if they way out is through, with trauma, and I think it is, often, then, if I come here to help me process and heal spiritual and religious trauma, it’s just going to spill out that way, excessive posts, excessive emotions, sad and whatever else. Maybe I can put some kind of trigger warning on the blog description, I’ll have to think of what I should say and how I want to say it.
I am self-conscious and driven by mechanisms, like coping mechanisms that often take hold of me, beyond my conscious awareness. Though I’m self-conscious when I put things out here I don’t mind if someone reads, and comments and likes and reblogs my stuff, if they want to. It’s not that kind of self-consciousness but just the kind that realizes my life is quite a mess to behold. And as long as nothing happens where someone is judging, giving unwanted advice, or, dare I use the idea of the new age people I used to be friends with, ha... I also don’t want someone to latch on to my energy with psychic energy cords. I don’t want them to fixate on me, in an unhealthy way.
That sounds a little weird, I guess, for me to say, but when you have experienced things I have it wouldn’t see so weird anymore, if you had experienced the things I have. I do believe that energy cords are a real thing, sometimes. The more raw and vulnerable you are the more likely that energy cords will be made because we respond to the raw emotional content of others’ communications and behavior. Sometimes in a way that makes us bonded, but not necessarily a good bond. It could be good, bad, or likely a mix of both, but just too reactive towards them. We could be too attached and reactive, wanting to help them and trying to help them, but trying to help them in ways they don’t need, even if we think they do. Or a variety of any number of strong reactions, thinking too much about people, feeling too much about them, and it makes this energy psychic bond. That is how the new age people explain it. As such if anyone feels too disturbed by me, too worried about me, too anything, too strong of feelings about me, I don’t want it to make psychic or energetic cords. And because of the strong emotional distress and confusion and chaos and taboos and whatever that I post posts about on here, I know that if something could create those psychic or energetic cords, in the form of a blog, this might could.
The edge I walk on feels kind of like a shore, the watery, muddy and sandy, messy but grounded, down on the earth feeling,... but it also feels more dangerous and messy. As such it’s, maybe, in some ways, more like the edge of a thin line, rather than a shoreline. Kind of like a balance beam or tightrope, perhaps. As such, it’s not a pretty and fascinating performance overall. It’s not like going to the circus to see an amazing feat. But I cannot think so far of the ideal metaphor to describe it.
The edge I’m on is not on a sturdy boardwalk, or even on the shore, even a narrow strip of shore, slippery sand or rocks, roots, and such as shores are often made up of. Not wading along a watery shoreline, but something else...
Yet I take breaks, and am immersed with healing energy, with beauty, with coping, with insights that rise up only at these times. With breaks from the storm, that are more beautiful than anything on normal days. Like I love real life storms and all their details too. Even in the middle of the storm often is great beauty, comfort and heightened senses. Insights, rare occurrences. And so if my trauma-laden world looks like a mess I don’t mind this mess that much. It’s often one of my truly favorite times to live my life. I couldn’t exhaust myself forever in this way or I’d be ill, more than I am. But going in the storm is like healing what is already there, too, and it’s not always something I can choose, anyway, but when the storm comes up then I could run but I think often it’s better to be there with it, to explore the storm with eyes with open, sense fully engaged, wading through the storm, against the driving wind and rain and hail. Taking breaks in little shelters, as I need to, and admiring the beauty of the storm from that vantage, however disturbing the storm might seem to some. While waste my life just dwelling in the storm, just debilitated by the storm, and running around, wading around in circles in the storm, the knee high water and the mud. It must look wasteful to many, and dull, and self-centered, but it’s just the way out, the way through is the way out. And all the while in this storm, there is immense beauty. Strange blessings happen. I am wearing my favorite party clothes. Lol Literally I’m wearing dresses and favorite clothes in real life, on these days, often, like today. It was a coincidence my daughters also wore a cute Minnie Mouse dress, with a hoodie and mouse ears. Totally adorable. Anyway, she seems to psychically intuitively shower our life with the most healing things, even though I don’t show signs of my feelings to her at all, when I’m traumatized or depressed usually,.. Or only ever to just say I am tired at most, sometimes,... And it’s life as normal, the whole storm is inside, or written online or in my journals. But I think the things my daughter does that help make things better at these times, I think that it’s God intervening just as I see more animals in nature at these times and other strange blessings of coincidences happen at these times. Anyway, that is all I guess, of this torrent of words, maybe, I’ll see if I edit and add anymore things that feel important, though, ... but I think that is all.
DEATH WILL ONLY BE THE BEGINNING #2
2.Disconnected/ Dissociation/ Depersonalisation / Darkness
Most days I'm not sure that I would choose to look after me... I would like to give up and scream.
consistent healing with mental health is the most frustrating thing. like how do you justify yourself to the people getting annoyed at you for your tics when you barely even know what a tic is and why you’re doing what you’re doing? people never believe your explanations, or it would take them studying you to see the reality of the depth of suffering, why I’m doing these annoying things and it is hard to explain. I can’t say that I can’t control it because that’s not completely true- it’s not like a muscle spasm completely out of control, its more of an impulse a bit like OCD behaviour. My brain follows mental patterns n finds it difficult to not get out of the cycle. its like scratching at a mosquito bite where yeah technically you can just not scratch it but it feels agonising not to and takes all your concentration not to do.
I’ve been more uncomfortable with the idea of being a person lately. i can’t conceptualise time so I get this feeling sometimes where its like , I hate the fact that I’m a person and I exist and it usually makes me super confused & I go into a misty state of mind where everything feels like it’s piling up leaving me anxious n too deep & I just feel too disconnected from everything. I feel lost when I look at my limbs; they grow heavier.
I personally try to spend as little time looking in the mirror as possible because it can be a big trigger for my dissociation. but taking pictures of my day/ what I’ve eaten helps me remember i have been present in the long run. This is why I have a complex relationship with social media, sometimes when I go on it I get depressed even though I want to be active. I cope by only looking in the mirror with other people there or when I have a specific reason to. It’s like I know my soul but my physical form confuses me.
I don’t even tell my friends I’m dissociating any more cause it’s just,, a given. I feel really embarrassingly bad. It’s one of the few things with my mental health that I try and minimise and hide from my friends- but I end up hiding myself as a whole, when my soul wants to be present but my body doesn’t know how to comply. I’m really sorry people have to deal with that, it’s so scary to be disconnected.
it’s annoying to have sucky mental health cos even when I want to get help I get embarrassed & feel ashamed that my brain is the way it is. I feel like a burden, or I don’t care enough about myself to believe I deserve help & to be healthy & mentally okay. I often realise the depth of self hate & my brain tells me I’d be better off dead.
I feel forced to engage in ‘the caste system of life’ . As humans were just expected to ‘keep calm and carry on’ but I’m genuinely tired. I can’t grasp that I ever used to work 2 jobs in a day at one point, I can’t grasp how. I feel an immense amount of distress about having to work in these times too, it’s like finally my mental is free to roam to whichever corner it deserves to feel peace without having to mask at all times, finally I get some extra time to organise my journals and paint & we’re actually still being made to feel obligated to go about our days as if everything is normal, while being tuned into a fear frequency. I feel like so many things are obfuscated with absolute lies & it’s hard to go on just because you have to but not cos you actually desire it.
I’m a great worker & communicator when I do have the energy, but I don’t have any dream job because I don’t dream to slave away to a capitalist system that perpetuates all kind of nonsense, i dream to dismantle it. Which I know I can’t do, so then I feel powerless, insignificant & small. for now I just can’t be arsed doing anything. maybe deep down I still have hope.
I’ve become more pessimistic that optimistic,I receive these death threats from my brain too In really dumb moments, & I’m like oh my gosh we have to just keep washing dishes & putting them away & putting more food in them & doing this over & over until we die.
I am someone that needs people but I have these silly built in coping mechanism. it’s like this character in my brain needs to hop to the recharge centre,it often wants to hide in my mental cavern of preservation because it feels like it’s disconnected from everything else. like how is everyone holding up jobs or education ? how will I be able to have all these good times & spoil my family & friends like I want to, if I can’t hold up a job ? why can’t my head not be such a bloody mess & why can’t I seem to conform to normality ??? My brain starts asking the questions, my brain starts caving away.
Even a long time ago my brain stopped planning for a future past 30 because of my individual situation & traumas, and mainly because the world is a horrible illusion once you grow & realise how truly powerless & insignificant it makes you feel. dissociation turns my memories into flat, unconvincing shadows.
thankfully I haven’t gave up & I’m still here with a bit more of a desire to go on- but only because of the inspiring creative loving caring people that surround me. over the years I’ve come across marvellous souls & I have the most beautiful family I could ever ask for. i would never want to seem ungrateful. I know the whole saying of ‘silence speaks volumes’ but as someone who’s always felt like they need to explain themselves for their entire life, I’ve learned that sometimes silence is necessary, to be able to fully be yourself & uplift the people in your life, you need to learn how to be comfortable & confident with your own self. I’m washing away my Shame and painting my shell shiny y’all!!!! Soon come you’ll see the armour I’ve been working on in the flesh.
My silences are not done in a sense of ‘I need to work on me only & FIRST, THEN I can worry about you’ but a ‘I’ve never put myself first & ALSO need to worry about me the way I worry about you I want all of us to eat together, I just don’t wanna be that friend that feels like they’re holding people back from doing things because I’m on pause. and of course there’s the fact that compromise is necessary to make friendships work, I want to make time & be present.
I don’t feel obligated(I genuinely do want to be there) but in my head for things to run smoothly for everyone’s sake there needs to be consistency(I don’t wanna lose the people I love & want to grow with them) but someone said to me consistency is just obligation sprinkled. and sometimes it just be like that, I hate how all my messages start with ‘so sorry for these late replies’ I hate it. the people pleaser always feels the need to explain but i feel bad because I feel like I’ve let them down already & that I didn’t intend or want to ignore them I just have a terrible relationship with my phone,social media & I’m one of the worst communicators I know, even though In person & in a comfortable atmosphere-I’m someone who can speak for the whole of both Scotland and Tanzania. I have a very all or nothing type brain.
most time I’m restless too and its like..i get hyper aware of all my surroundings and its really scary and emotional for a little bit but then i just start dissociating hella and it sucks ,, it’s become a normal state of mind or thing my brain does to sort of reject humanity and stuff & when I do ‘zone out’ there has to be a sense of awareness in my brain, I care a lot & I’m aware that those on the other side will feel left the dark from the other end.
I just get embarrassed n I don’t wanna ‘be the fuck up’ even though my brain actively just keeps doing it. I’m not even exaggerating sometimes the anxiety builds up because some eedyat from my past that I wanted to avoid messages me. or because I can’t reply to all my people at once. (I have people & connects from Tanzania, Turkey & Scotland) so my messages will pile up & then I don’t know how to start the replies & then I freak out & feel like a failed shitty friend, I also don’t wanna be selective because I WANT to speak & hear from everyone I do maintain contact with, but then my brain dissociates.
sexual abuse, physical & narcissistic abuse sucks. It doesn’t control me - but it’s shaped a part of my brain. for the time’s I’ve had to ‘cope’ & go to work as if everything is okay, further masking. the times as a kid I felt like I’d get punishment or a beating for answering back or doing something or being disobedient or ‘wrong’, it fuelled my ability at being able to mask more. I could lie for as long as I could so remember thanks to pedo paul- he also distorted & lured me into feeling easy & comfortable in highly alarming uncomfortable scenarios no child should ever have to experience.
being myself fully, feeling comfortable to be myself & explain my brain has never been easy.
another example that also made me be able to mask, is growing up in a ‘perfect’ looking family with much more dysfunction than I realised the older I aged. there isn’t necessarily a lack of connection in my family-we have a lot of love & togetherness, we know how to be a team. we’re a fast & fierce intelligent,compassionate bunch & I’m thankful enough to have 2 very understanding parents that will listen..I could’ve spoken to them about certain things earlier, I wish I did but I can’t go back. I forgive & hope they forgive me for there were still years where I felt judged, or like I’d be disowned.
I think it’s invalidating for parents to write off the so called ‘teen phase’ phase as the result of hormones and irrational teenage anger.
We now have more of a relationship yet there’s still that disconnect or connect only when I’m communicating with one of them at a time (depending on the subject matter/ setting).i can still chill with them both but sometimes chat feels forced. they have given me the reassurance that I’ll never be judged with what I share. Though at one point I felt (or in my head) like the downer child, they did project feelings of shame which I think stemmed from a ‘place of concern’ - and that was due to a lack of familial friendship. Both my parents were made to be parents & did a damn good job at raising us because despite the flaws. we remain tough, empathetic, polite,sensible, witty, charming, fun, respectable & decent which are all qualities from both of their seed.
I think they both deserved different loves or a more open one. because you see it sometimes felt they could’ve put their parent badge aside and talk to me like a friend, I’m not sure if all my siblings felt the same but I did. I’m also thankful for all the lessons & can’t discount my parents parenting, they are great. I’m not saying they failed, I just think that if you want your child to communicate with you, there needs to be a sense of comfort ability for them to be able to open up. If you force them to speak while you’ve ingrained fear, you end up pushing them further away. I guess to an extent the whole ‘ingrain’ fear into your child so they can respect you does work, but this creates sneakier children too- finding ways to get away with things because they’re worried you’ll get them in trouble for doing so. so if the communication lessens as the child grows, it’s because they didn’t feel understood, despite being listened to. Anyways I love my family still, I’m just an over thinker & sometimes I feel like there’s a lack of soul level conversation & genuine laughter. there’s grudges held but not expressed so then the atmosphere of the household begins to feel stuffy. whether or not everyone realises it, whether it’s because different personality types clash in the house, a bunch of reasons perhaps. But yeah in terms of dissociating & tying masking into it, it would happen whenever I felt in danger or like someone would think i was not good enough and hurt me.
sometimes I can be dry & just wanna listen to my peoples. but I feel like I always need to talk because of my people pleaser brain that also feels the need to fill in silences or feels rude when it doesn’t respond but the reality is sometimes my brain doesn’t allow me to be able to be consistent with social media, messaging, calls etc- I have a disconnect from social media even tho part of me loves the concept so much & the communication aspect is such a bonus (especially with international friends & family£ in turn my life feels like a dramatic podcast. for a while now there’s been more a mentally tired feeling that reigns over my brain, it all just gets a bit blurry so I have this habit of ‘checking out’ when I feel like I’m under stress & there’s a chance of more overloaded- it sort of makes my brain disengage even more. for some people reality checks help, for others they make things worse. personally when I don’t feel good enough I start convincing myself I already failed & that I’m not worthy of my family n friends & all that yap, the brain mould grows!! whenever stress arises or my awkward brain starts conspiring against itself- the zone out will begin.
I don't even realise the weight of my words, how serious and ugly it is. I am floating around. for years. I don't remember what feeling real is like. I feel like everything is fake and even though I matter I’m unimportant until I wear my skin of confidence & the that life is a game. I want to be able to feel like a normal person and believe myself, to believe that life isn’t a dream. I can't. I am just floating all the time. I just want to feel real for once and not so fake.
I do use listening to music or a podcast as a coping strategy so i have something engaging for my brain to focus on. music grounds me when de realisation gets really bad. but then there’s always knowing that more and more is just piling up. It’s like an outer body experience where you’re watching your lifeless body turn blue & there’s a timer with spilling sand but you’re frozen.
I feel this pattern from childhood of escapism is gash coming into adulthood, feeling everything so intensely can genuinely get overwhelming my heart feels like a racing car. I’m keen & determined though. I’m hopefully going to learn more about the brain, human impulses, how we think, because learning about humans helps me understand why I do things more, and that sort of seems to help. I wanna be strong enough for the people I love, I want to support them in tough times too I just don’t always have conversations- I’m sorry. being half there isn’t nice,neither fun.
I also keep thinking there’s some bigger /thing/ Reason for the universe, maybe waiting for the aliens or government to blow us up with the push of a button lol. I spend more time thinking about the afterlife but don’t do enough in my present one. most days I feel like life is a game boy. Is there a reason why everyone does what they do etc? Is society too dead to mend ? Remembering that it’s just the laws of the universe (human instinct, physics) controlling everything can help me. The master key system helps. Vsauce Thoughty2, Dr Phil Valentine and Brother Panic, Infinite waters,studying, art, music & generally scrolling through youtube helps lol. but I really wonder does anyone else feel like they are interacting with the world but their head is wrapped in plastic, so they can see and hear but are still totally but imperceptibly separated from the world, so they just can’t quite..connect?
And just FYI, I’m not TRYING to be emotionally manipulative or guilt trip people or anything here, but just speaking brutally honestly - my disengagement from Batfandom over the past couple months and how little I’ve been active in it has absolutely everything to do with just being TIRED of this fandom’s stance not just on rape fics, but the enabling of them. I mean, yeah, personally I gravitate towards Dick Grayson’s character as a rape survivor, so its super not happy fun times constantly sharing the fandom with people who are far more interested in perpetuating him as a rape victim, emphasis on his repeated sexual victimization in fics where his placement as a character-to-be-violated is the literal DRAW for readers.
(And ever notice how its the character MOST acknowledged as a rape survivor, SPECIFICALLY.....who is also the one people are MOST interested in writing as a further rape victim.....I’m not even talking about in the context of canon events, but specifically creating further scenarios in which he’s raped by characters who never raped him in canon, in numbers FAR greater than people create these scenarios for other characters. Oh, its not limited to just him, obviously, I’m aware these fics exist for all the characters, and in large numbers, but does it not strike anyone as like.....particularly odious, that the clear frontrunner for this particular form of sexual victimization-as-a-draw in fics just so happens to be the character most noted as a survivor already? Just saying, the fact that this particular character and this particular status seems to draw in people not just interested in him BECAUSE it makes him a survivor....but equally, people interested in him BECAUSE of his having been made a victim.....is....umm. Its umm. Let’s just call it umm.)
But what gets to me even more than that is just the willful refusal in a fandom that CHOOSES to keep the subject of rape front and central to so much of its works....to allow for ANY critical discussion of rape itself whatsoever. You’ll pull out all the stops in examining the trauma of rape in some fics, sure, but this fandom absolutely will not allow critical examination of the ISSUE of rape itself.
And that’s abso-fucking-lutely because of how much this fandom has COMMODIFIED rape and incest and pedophilia, and how much it fuels the engines of fandom content production. Its commercialized in this fandom in particular, and its so high-prized a commodity in terms of fic content, that even most people who don’t have any particular interest in these types of fic content themselves deem it too costly to speak up on the matter, because they’re afraid to lose followers who DO like it.
And THAT’S what gets to me.
Those of you who will be like I’m not taking a side here, but absolutely take a side as you’ll freely reblog posts about fandom purity and censorship but not a single point to the contrary. When you only air one side of an argument, guess what? You’ve picked a side. Whether or not you agree with it or every bit of it doesn’t matter, you’re still signal boosting it while refusing to examine or boost any point said against it. I reblog stuff all the time that I don’t agree with every single line of or point made in....but the point is I agree with ENOUGH of it that I’d rather boost it for others’ consideration rather than pass by it because it doesn’t one hundred percent accurately reflect everything I believe and only that. (And yet funnily enough, I’m the ideological puritan, remember?)
You can’t be like, I’m going to continue to encourage shutting down every critical mention of fandom problems in this or other regards while refusing to do anything or even signal boost people attempting to critically examine or just encouraging others to be more critical about this stuff......and think that like, you’re not still being an active part of the fandom ecosystem there that keeps this fandom environment being as everpresent as it is.
If it feels like you’re in this picture and you don’t like it, maybe its cuz you’re in this picture and getting pissed at the picture-takers doesn’t ever do anything to change that or your discomfort with being in the fucking picture here.
I can get literally anything I say in this fandom reblogged EXCEPT for so much as even a single thing I say on this particular subject, and you can try and blame that on my temper or aggression or hostility or word choice but I’ve been making these posts for years in this fandom at this point, and in all that time, I’ve done so in a variety of ways and the fact that still none of them, not a single one, no matter WHAT tone its in, has EVER gotten more than a handful of notes from my Batfam followers and only ever catch on because of my older TW followers or people who follow me BECAUSE of my stances on this and other subjects.....like. (Its funny how few people seem to mind my attitude or posting style when I’m talking about Dick’s treatment by the Batfam or DC itself or when in my asks trying to point and aim me at other characters’ fans like a bonafide attack dog, lolol, I’m just saying).
I’ve talked to people in this fandom about this very subject of how being critical of rape fics is NOT the same as being anti-sex or in search of moral purity, and I know damn well they understand my point there because they even acknowledged it themselves and said okay, I understand the nuance you’re making there.....and then they turn around and keep reblogging all those fandom purity posts even after admitting they GET now that its not actually an accurate representation of the issues and thus a false flag to raise and pass around.....and yet they keep participating in passing it around, with not a word to the contrary.
And hell, it doesn’t even need to be my posts that get around....its not like I see anyone reblogging anyone else’s critical posts on this particular subject either, even while reblogging the stuff mocking such posts or stances.
I’m just saying. I’m very keenly aware of all that, and its exhausting.
This isn’t a dramatic omg I’m running away from fandom post, I’m not going anywhere, I still have plenty of things to say and write about Dick Grayson and I’m ultimately here for me and not anyone else so I’ll continue to do so, but like.....its just a its been depressing as hell to be in this particular fandom lately, and wearying, and just thought some of you might like to know that in case you feel like doing anything about it ever, to maybe make it a little more inviting and engaging to those of us who AREN’T here to see the rapists keep raping the characters we identify with and gravitate towards as survivors.
(And if your go-to response here or first thought is “some people write it to cope” - great, what I’m saying here is that’s not true for everyone, and whatever the experience of writing it does for them in that regard does not actually change my position on what the experience of seeing it shared and proliferated publicly in such huge quantities without allowing for any kind of criticism of this (which is actually a separate matter entirely) does for others. And that this ENVIRONMENT is actually COUNTER to other survivors’ coping, so you can’t claim that your stance on this subject is based on what’s best for survivors’ coping when its ACTUALLY based on what’s best for the coping of survivors who also happen to feed the fandom further sexy rape fic content......and uh, just FYI for anyone who isn’t a survivor themselves, whomever this might apply to - that’s literally just commodifying and exploiting the survivorship of those whose coping mechanisms happen to serve your personal self-interests and if you don’t get how that’s gross as hell, like, I don’t even know what to tell you there.)
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some tips for writing trauma (either for backstory or current events) coming from someone with trauma
these are just from my experience and general tips to handle trauma with the sensitivity it needs so yeah :)
remember to do your own research though!
don't use trauma solely as a plot-device/a way to "better" a character. while yes a person can get some "positive" experience from trauma, trauma tends to affect people very negatively
not all trauma causes ptsd or c-ptsd. ptsd and c-ptsd are serious mental disorders and people struggle a lot with them. ptsd and c-ptsd are caused by trauma and common causes are warfare, sexual assault, childhood trauma and many more. if you do choose to give your character ptsd or c-ptsd, do your research (and ptsd and c-ptsd are different)
what qualifies as trauma varies from person to person. someone might get traumatized by something, someone else might not. everyone's brains handles potentially traumatic experiences differently
trauma affects people differently. like mentioned earlier, some people develop ptsd. some people develop other disorders/illnesses like depression or anxiety. many blame themselves for their trauma. some develop phobias. not only do people change on the inside, their visible behaviors can also change. a behavior i myself have is avoiding anything to could potentially remind me of my trauma and many do the same. there's many potential outcomes of traumatic events
different "types" of trauma can cause different outcomes. for example, sexual assault might not cause the same outcome as having abusive parents. keep what traumatized your character in mind when you figure out how it affects them
love will NOT cure trauma. it's a "trope" i'm sure many of us have seen in young adult novels but it's simply not how it works. while yes, having a significant other can be great support, it won't just stop the effects of trauma. one of the most helpful things for reliving trauma is learning how to cope with it and learning healthy coping mechanisms
and of course, DO YOUR DAMN RESEARCH
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My “Return” To Tumblr Explained
Now that I’m “back” per se, I figured it’s about time I address a few things that the mini comic wasn't quite able to dive too deep into:
Mental and Physical Health:
As far as physical health is concerned I’m squared away. I’ve been taking proper steps to avoid COVID (yes, it’s still a big thing in the part of the US where I’m from unfortunately) so now the only physical health issues I’m really dealing with is my allergies which have been relatively dormant as of lately. As far as mental health is concerned on the other hand, it hasn’t changed too much, it got better for a while and then it got worse, with having transferred to a new college and having to adapt to a new lifestyle, schedule, and new pressures from tougher courses have made my stress more powerful which has only led to my anxiety and depression getting a lot worse but I’ve been working on proper coping mechanisms to keep them at bay the best that I can.
I finished my two year back in June of 2020 and in early January I transferred to my dream school which has been such a cluster of good and bad things. My return to tumblr was originally scheduled to be way sooner but seeing as situations appeared that I didn’t take into account it kept getting pushed back. What I’m currently attempting to do is keep the focus on my education,as the curriculum here is much more rigorous and challenging, but at the same time try to start posting on here every now and then when I have things I can reveal and show off in regards to not spoiling anything too big for Target Locked and Starbound. Posts will be spread out and not on any kind of schedule simply due to school and work but hey posting is better than what I’ve been doing the past few months right?
I know I have put these off continuously and I’m sure a lot of you are starting to get agitated or demand refunds and I understand that, what I’m going to attempt to do from here on out is to
A.) Close commissions, seeing as I no longer have time for them. And B.) Complete any current and pending commissions because I at least owe you that much after pretty much robbing you and I do apologize for that. My plan is to throw in a few extra goodies in with your completed commissions as a token of my apology and compensation for your time and patience with me during these times.
I’ll be going over the submissions here in the next few days and announce the winners as soon as I can both get around all the submissions, choose my winners, and get the prizes made so bear with me on that for just a little while longer.
Target Locked & Starbound:
There were a lot of asks in my inbox asking me about the status of the comics, rest assured I’m still working on them as much as I can whenever I can. Target Locked is thoroughly written and scripted, Okens and I are just working out some of the finer details and fine tuning (script adjustments, character design tweaks, etc.) to make we get the most out of this story and that you all get a fulfilling and amazing story that’s been almost 2 years in the making!
When it comes to Starbound things get a little more complicated, over the course of my absence I’ve gotten a significant amount of work done on Starbound. More specifically, I’ve take the original timeline and chapters from the original story and pretty much gave it a 180, I threw in new characters, filled in any plotholes I feel I may have created, well rounded some characters and gave close-ups to others, added more chapters (including an entire new arc), and I’m currently scripting Starbound’s chapters and making adjustments to the character and story still so Starbound’s release will be delayed but well worth the wait!
Thanks again to everyone who asked around and checked up on me personally, I definitely took my fanbase for granted and it’s that support that played a pretty heavy influence in my decision to come back. (well that, and I can’t promise all these great stories and then just drop out without a warning of some kind now can I?)
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TEENS IN DANGER: I DO NOT BLAME MYSELF
The theme of this documentary is pulling something from within you that you didn't know that you had so you can find the love for yourself that was missing for so long in order to heal WITH a mental illness. The only way we're ever going to learn about mental illness is if we can relate it to ourselves.
DVD / 2020 / (Grades 8-Adult) / 30 minutes
TEENS IN DANGER: LOVE & SUICIDE - SUICIDE, LOVE, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION
DVD / 2020 / (Grades 8-Adult) / 30 minutes
TEENS IN TREATMENT: REHAB - LIFE BEYOND GETTING HIGH
Rehab or treatment for addiction begins with the desire to stop using drugs or alcohol and choose a clean and sober life. For many teens, this may seem like an impossible task especially when their life seems to have lost all meaning. Nearly all addicted teens think they can stop using on their own and most try to stop without treatment. Although many are successful, many continue down the path ofaddiction and on the road of substance dependence. Understanding that addiction has a fundamental biological component may help explain the difficulty in abstinence without treatment. Many teens in addition to having problems with drugs or alcohol also have problems with depression, anxiety, school phobia andpanic attacks. Because they start using drugs at a young age, they don't develop the normal social skills needed to enter adulthood. They have very little disciplinebecause they've never been shown or cultivated those habits. At first teens think using drugs or alcohol helps them fit in and can relieve stress either at home or at school. However, they soon realize it doesn't fix anything and their problems keep coming back and often get worse. This program teaches teens that living a life of addiction is one that can be changed. Personal accomplishments can be achieved and a healthy successful life, without dependence on drugs or alcohol is possible.
Subjects covered include: What is recovery or rehab? Why recovery works. Recognizing addiction. Working a program of recovery. The steps of recovery. The multisystemic approach. Life after treatment.
DVD / 2017 / 30 minutes
TEENS IN TREATMENT: THE WARNING SIGNS OF ADDICTION
So Who Becomes Addicted? Most people don't understand why or how someone can become addicted to drugs or alcohol or any other substance that completely dominates their life. This series takes an in-depth look at teen addiction. It provides a personal connection with those in recovery, the steps to recovery and an honest look at substance abuse. Teenagers all go through traumatic experiences and symptoms of depression. In many cases they don't have the resources to deal with their problems. Many times they turn to drugs as a solution or as a coping mechanism if they feel they can't deal with a problem on their own. This often leads to a path of addiction.
This program discusses the traits that can be found in an addictive personality, the warning signs and the attraction to try drugs. It takes a look at what can take a seemingly normal teen down the road of addiction and the intense process of treatment and recovery. Some of the most common paths to addiction include; the desire to belong, to be accepted, to be popular, boredom, depression, low self esteem, peer pressure from social expectation and taking prescription medication that turns to dependency.
This program addresses the physical, mentaland behavioral effects of drug abuse and the effective treatment options. Features clinical addiction psychologists, mental health and teen drug abuse experts. Student Discussion Includes What is addiction? Who gets addicted? The addictive personality. Addictive behavior. The 14 most common paths to addiction. Why teens start using drugs. Experiencing the high. The psychological & physical effects drugs have on the body and brain. The warning signs. The consequences. Denial and acceptance. Cure or treatment?
DVD / 2017 / 30 minutes
ADDICTED TEENS: ECSTASY ADDICTION
Ecstasy, also called Molly, is a stimulant (man-made) club drug often abbreviated as MDMA that has hallucinogenic properties. MDMA works by providing a rush of Serotonin and Norepinephrine, two neurotransmitters that signal feelings of pleasure and happiness. Ecstasy is one of the most popular drugs among teens today. It has become an embracive marketing term for drug dealers selling Ecstasy-type drugs that may, contain very little or no MDMA at all. While MDMA can produce harmful effects, what is called Ecstasy today can contain a wide mixture of substances from LSD, cocaine, heroin, amphetamine and methamphetamine, to rat poison, caffeine and dog deworming substances. Despite the cute logos dealers put on the pills, this is what makes Ecstasy particularly dangerous, a user never really knows what he is taking. Ecstasy most commonly comes in pill form but can also be injected and taken in other ways. Liquid Ecstasy is actually GHB, a nervous system depressant - a substance that can also be found in drain cleaner, floor stripper and degreasing solvents.
DVD / 2016 / 30 minutes
ADDICTED TEENS: HEROIN ADDICTION
Heroin is an extremely addictive Opioid drug that's synthesized from Morphine. Heroin can be snorted, smoked, or injected and usually comes in a white or brown powder substance. It's estimated that almost of all people who use Heroin once become addicted. Teen Heroin Abuse is a growing danger in our youth. The image of a listless young heroin addict collapsed in a filthy, dark alley is obsolete. Today, the young addict could be as young as 12 years old, play video games and enjoy the music of his generation. They can appear smart, stylish and bear none of the common traces of heroin use, such as needle marks on their arms. Because it is available in various forms that are easier to consume and more affordable, heroin today is more tempting than ever. The number of teenagers aged 12 to 17, who used heroin at some point in their lives has increased by 300%. A young person who might think twice about putting a needle in his arm may more readily smoke or sniff the same drug. But this is falsely reassuring and may give one the idea that there is less risk. The truth is that heroin in all its forms is dangerous and addictive.
DVD / 2016 / 30 minutes
ADDICTED TEENS: LEGAL HIGHS
Legal highs are man-made substances/chemicals and strong stimulants that have similar effects to illegal drugs like cocaine, cannabis or ecstasy. They are sometimes called club drugs or new psychoactive substances (NPS) and provide physical, emotional and hallucinogenic effects and are marketed as a legal high. They range from plants, to synthetic drugs, to medicines you can buy from a pharmacy. What makes them similar is that they are all legal, but that does not mean they are safe. There is often not enough research about these drugs to know their potency or the adverse effects from human consumption. You cannot really be sure of what is in them or the effect they could have on you. Many legal highs have been directly linked to poisoning, seizures, severe trauma and in some cases death. So what is a teens motivation to try these drugs? This program attempts to find out but asking teens the question, what are legal highs?
DVD / 2016 / 30 minutes
GUIDANCE SYSTEMS: TEEN DATING ABUSE
An effective program to combat teen dating abuse is an essential part of any high school health and guidance curriculum, and this one is a great tool. This is the story of Jenny- a happy, high performing student who is in her first serious relationship with Jake. As their relationship evolves, Jake monopolizes more and more of her time, isolates her from friends, and interferes with her studies before becoming verbally and physically abusive.
This program brings the causes and consequences of teen dating abuse to life through a series of dramatic vignettes, and viewers learn how any young person can be affected â€” black or white, boy or a girl, straight or gay. The five red flags examined are constant contact, false accusations, explosive tempers, threats, and blaming.
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 6-12) / 7 minutes
MY TRANSGENDER LIFE
A moving documentary on what it is like to be transgender, to grow up in the wrong gender and eventually transition to a different sex. A documentary designed to record, share and celebrate the personal stories of transgender women and men and their stories of struggle, of courage and of triumph. Though they vary in age, ethnicity and socioeconomic backgrounds, each person has fought to cast off the gender assigned to them at birth and embrace their true selves. This program covers what its like to grow up in the wrong gender and eventually transition. The decision to transition from one gender to another is a life changing one not just for the transgender person but for their family and friends. Male or female, boy or girl? Most of us can answer that question without a second thought, but for some people, the answer isn't so simple. This documentary takes us firsthand into the lives of seven people who are transgender, revealing their struggles and life changing transitions. It takes a powerful look at this new generation, exploring the medical possibilities, struggles and choices transgender teens, adults and their families face today. Encouraging classroom discussion, this program helps students to think of the differences in each of us in a positive way, breaking stereotypes, acceptance, challenging prejudice and increasing visibility for the transgender community.
DVD / 2016 / 47 minutes
REAL LIFE TEENS: BLOWING SMOKE, VAPING TEENS & SMOKING ADDICTION
E-cigarettes have been called the next generation cigarette and vaping the newest way for teens to start smoking. Studies state 1 in 4 high school students have already tried e-cigarettes. Teens who vape are more likely to start smoking than teens who don't and nonsmoking teens who start vaping are 3 times as likely to start smoking cigarettes. So what makes Vaping so dangerous? Most teens assume vaping is harmless, however it is not. E-cigs contain mostly "nicotine", which can wreak havoc with the cardiovascular system and lead to hypertension and heart attacks. Nicotine is an addicting substance and can work as a "gateway" drug to smoking regular cigarettes. In its concentrated, potent, liquid form, nicotine is blended with a variety of flavorings, colorings, assorted chemicals and toxins to create a vapor. It's this nicotine that can cause an addiction and fuel a teens' transition from vaping to smoking. Vaping might be hard to notice since there is no cigarette smoke or smell of it. Many vaping devices are designed to look like pens; compact, shiny and easy to disguise. Vaping can cause as much short-term inflammation in the lungs as regular cigarettes and the nicotine-free vapor may cause even more. Also fueling the trend is the accessibility of oil concentrates. A vape pen creates an inhalable vapor with a small inner coil that slowly heats, creating a vapor that is inhaled. Water-soluble synthetics are easily converted into liquid concentrate that can go into the device cartridges and be vaped just like nicotine and other legal substances. It makes it nearly impossible to tell what's inside someone's vape. It could be nicotine, marijuana concentrate, or fruit-flavored or nicotine-free "e-liquid." Worst of all, it could be a deadly concoction of chemicals, known as synthetic drugs.
The biggest danger may lie in the use of vaping devices. After a teen is used to some nicotine in the form of an e-cigarette, they may ultimately transition to traditional cigarettes to get nicotine more easily and quickly. Vaping devices are also compatible with marijuana, cocaine, THC liquids and other drugs, making substance abuse easier, less publicly recognizable and easier for a teen to hide. The devices create a further danger for teen users who may not be completely aware of what's inside the electronic cigarette. Student discussion includes: What is vaping? What is the vapor made from and how does it work? Is vaping dangerous? Do e-cigarettes contain toxins? Are e-cigarettes dangerous? Do e-cigarettes contain nicotine? Is nicotine harmful? Is nicotine addictive? What are the short and long term side effects? Are teens who vape or use e-cigarettes more likely to start smoking?
DVD / 2016 / 28 minutes
SCHOOL VIOLENCE: YOU CAN HELP PREVENT IT!
Violence is anything that hurts a person physically or emotionally. School violence refers to any act of violence that occurs within a school community. Both "threats of violence" and physical "acts of violence" create an unsettling and unsafe environment for everyone in a school community. Why does it happen? How can school violence be prevented? This program explores answers to those questions and seeks to help students understand the important role they play in preventing school violence.
Through live-action, true-to-life scenarios viewers will learn to identify potential problem behaviors and warning signs that can typically lead to violence. Viewers will recognize that an important way they can prevent school violence has to do with simply being aware of the people around you and being able to spot something that isn't quite right before it escalates. Students will come to understand the difference between a direct and indirect threat and how context of the threat determines how threats should be handled. In addition, students will learn to identify behaviors that may be warning signs to potential violent actions and that whenever they feel threatened or unsafe that they have an obligation to report the incident to trusted adult within the school community.
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 7-12) / 18 minutes
TALK IT OUT: EFFECTS OF WEED ON YOUR BODY AND BRAIN
Using vintage footage, the program opens with a discussion of how peoples' attitudes about marijuana have changed dramatically over the years, but the one thing is certain; marijuana changes the way the brain functions. Students will learn how the THC in marijuana enters the lungs, is absorbed into the bloodstream, and enters the brain almost immediately. Viewers will come to understand the immediate effects of marijuana use on various body systems. The program discusses the effects of marijuana on attention, memory and learning and sites the evidence from scientific studies on the long-term, harmful changes in the brain. In addition, the program explores the use of medical marijuana and its legalization as a recreational drug in different states.
After viewing this program, students will:
understand that marijuana changes the way the brain functions
learn the immediate effects of marijuana on the body systems
understand marijuana has negative effects on attention, memory and learning
learn that marijuana is a drug that can be prescribed for medical purposes
recognize that marijuana is an illegal recreational drug
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 7-12) / 14 minutes
TALK IT OUT: HEROIN ABUSE AND ADDICTION
This program begins with a discussion about how our instincts drive us to avoid pain or remove pain from our lives. From this perspective, the video explains the difference between healthy and unhealthy approaches to getting rid of pain. Students will learn about prescription opioids and the potential risk of addiction that is identified by two key components, tolerance and withdrawal. The program then targets the short and long term effects of heroin use, and explains how it harms various body systems. Students will come to understand that heroin addiction goes beyond physical dependence, and that once addicted to heroin, a person's primary goal in life is to find and ingest the drug.
After viewing this program, students will:
understand heroin is an opioid that is highly addictive
learn that tolerance and withdrawal are identified as the two key components of addiction
understand the short term and long term effects of heroin use on the body and brain
recognize the relationship between our instincts to avoid or remove pain from our lives, prescription drugs and heroin use
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 7-12) / 15 minutes
TALK IT OUT: HOW ADDICTION ENSLAVES YOUR BRAIN
In many surveys, the vast majority of teenagers report that when they do something their parents wouldn't approve of, they're just pursuing their freedom. This program begins the discussion of addiction and dependency from the point of view of surrendering your freedom. Students will learn that there are different types of addiction and that addiction is a persistent and compulsive dependence on an unhealthy behavior. In the program, students will come to understand the difference between psychological and physical dependence. Viewers will be introduced to a scientific theory called the cycle of addiction and learn that scientific research has shown that addiction is a disease that harms the brain and effects behavior.
After viewing this program, students will:
understand that addiction is a persistent and compulsive dependence on an unhealthy behavior
learn the difference between psychological and physical dependence
understand addiction is a disease that effects the brain and behavior
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 7-12) / 15 minutes
TALK IT OUT: SEX, SELF-RESPECT AND SOCIAL MEDIA
The program begins with an explanation of how new communication technologies have changed the way people in relationships communicate with each other, and how its revolutionized dating and romance. Students will come to understand the difference between "flirting" and "sexting", the exchange of sexually explicit text messages and images. In addition, the video discusses the personal, social and legal consequences of sexting. Viewers are provided with simple and creative strategies to say "no" to a request to send an explicit message. The overall message of the program is not to allow yourself to be controlled by someone else, to respect yourself and to trust your instincts.
After viewing this program, students will:
understand that new technologies have changed the way people in relationships communicate with each other
recognize the difference between flirting and sexting
understand sexting is the exchange of sexually explicit texts and images
learn strategies to say no to requests to send sexting messages
understand the importance of respecting yourself and do what's right for you
understand that the sending of explicit texts and photos by underage persons is illegal
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 7-12) / 14 minutes
TALK IT OUT: TOBACCO, VAPING AND NICOTINE
Using vintage footage, this program shows viewers how the social attitudes about smoking have changed dramatically over the past several decades. The program then focuses on the short term and long-term, negative effects of smoking tobacco and vaping. It explains the addictive power of nicotine, a substance found in tobacco. Students will see real, vivid scientific demonstrations of the damaging effect of smoking on the respiratory system and circulatory system. Animation and graphics help to present how smoking negatively affects every part of the human body and discusses the health and financial costs to individuals and the society.
After viewing this program, students will:
understand that smoking tobacco has short and long term negative effects on the body
learn that nicotine is an addictive substance found in tobacco
understand that vaping is not a safe alternative to smoking
recognize the harmful health and financial costs to individuals and society
learn that smoking tobacco and the use of smokeless tobacco can lead to diseases including lung problems, heart disease, and many kinds of cancer
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 7-12) / 13 minutes
TALK IT OUT: UNDERAGE DRINKING, DANGERS AND CONSEQUENCES
The program starts off with an explanation of what alcohol is, how it's produced, and its role as a celebratory beverage in our society. Students will come to understand the reasons alcohol is illegal to consume for persons under the age of twenty-one. The video delves into the immediate effects of alcohol consumption on blood circulation and breathing. Viewers will learn alcohol sedates the central nervous system and how it impacts parts of the brain responsible for emotion and behavior. The program explores the negative effects of alcohol abuse and addiction on a person, family and the community. In the end, students will come to understand that the decisions they make about alcohol will influence their health, grades, relationships, career and their freedom.
After viewing this program, students will:
understand alcohol is a drug that can be addictive
learn that alcohol is legal to consume for adults 21 years of age and up
understand the short term effects of alcohol and long term effects of alcohol abuse
recognize the negative impact of alcoholism on individuals, families and society
DVD / 2016 / (Grades 7-12) / 14 minutes
ADDICTED TEENS: DRUG ADDICTION
Illicit drugs include marijuana/hashish, cocaine (including crack), heroin, hallucinogens, inhalants, or prescription drugs used without a prescription. These drugs are chemicals and while each drug produces different physical effects, all abused substances share one thing in common. They hijack the normal function of the brain and change the way the brain responds to issues of self-control, judgment, emotion, motivation, memory and learning. Drugs change the signals coming to and from the brain. Although this can cause temporary euphoria it can also cause hallucinations, anxiety, paranoia and uncontrolled behavior. Marijuana is the number one gateway drug for teenagers. It is stated that teens who smoke marijuana are 85 times more likely to use other illicit drugs. Many teens do not understand why or how they can become addicted to drugs. It is often mistakenly assumed that drug abusers lack moral principle or willpower and that they could stop using simply by choosing to change their behavior. In reality, drug addiction is a complex disease and quitting takes more than good intentions or strong will. Because drugs change the brain in ways that foster compulsive drug abuse, quitting and recovery is a lifelong commitment.
DVD / 2015 / 30 minutes
REAL LIFE TEENS: DRUG ADDICTION
Todays teens are more exposed to illegal, prescription and over the counter drugs than ever before. Many teens are starting to see drug use as part of the normal teenage experience whether to escape, self-medicate, get instant gratification, or hide feelings of low self-esteem and lack of confidence. This program discusses the ways teens can resist pressure to try drugs, ways they can say (no) to their friends and the dangers and consequences if they do not. Student discussion includes: The dangers of trying drugs, even if you think (you will just try it once), How to deal with the temptation and peer pressure to try drugs, How doing one drug (like cigarettes or marijuana) can lead to abuse of other drugs, The core issues of why teens try drugs and alcohol, How to recognize the warning signs of addiction, What friends can do to guide or inform of the dangers and consequences, Where a teen can turn to for help.
DVD / 2015 / (Grades 8-12) / 20 minutes
REAL LIFE TEENS: SOCIAL MEDIA ADDICTION
With the rising phenomenon of social networking websites such as Facebook and Twitter, constant interconnectivity with friends and family is now part of a teens daily life. However as opposed to enriching their lives, is social media just another avenue for teens to become addicted to? One of the biggest problems facing our teens today is the addictive, pervasive effects of social media. It can lead to increased distractibility, anxiety, depression and apathy. Fear of missing out (FOMO) is a very real feeling thats starting to permeate through teens social relationships. Social media sites like Facebook and Twitter are making this increasingly more difficult for a teen to avoid. Teens can quickly become self-absorbed in a superficial online world. As a direct result, they crave affirmations from their peers in the form of likes, favorites, shares, retweets, reblogs, and revines. They can even start to feel irrelevant without loads of social media attention. Teens who have trouble connecting face to face may depend on the Internet as a place where they feel understood by their peers and use it as a replacement for social interaction. While they might use social networking sites to connect with others, spending too much time on the internet can actually lead to social isolation, symptoms of depression and withdrawal from family and friends.
DVD / 2015 / (Grades 8-12) / 20 minutes
So as I've alluded to, I've got some interpersonal drama going on, and one of the things that's happening is this person is lashing out at me by targeting their perception of my masculinity. Basically, in their eyes I am not the man they thought I was.
And honestly, nope. That's kind of the point I was making with the whole coming out as non-binary. It won't do me any good to say any of this directly to them for a bunch of reasons I won't get into here to protect them and their identity (because I love them and while all of this hurts I don't want to hurt them back), but they got me heated and thinking and I just wanted to word-vomit some ideas here so I have an excuse to better formulate them.
CW: There's going to be some discussion of some difficult subjects after the break, namely dysphoria, death, depression, and grooming, so if those will do you more harm than good skip the rest of this. Although, I don't intend to go into any graphic details I just wanted to be honest about that upfront.
My first interactions with a gay man were with someone who used his position to attempt to groom me. I don't want to go into details here, but I was lucky enough to talk my way out of it in the end, and either because he worried I would tell my parents, or because my parents knew something was wrong and didn't tell me, we weren't in contact with him after that. Honestly, I still feel guilty about that as I don't know how many children he might have been successful with because I didn't speak up, and I've been scared to try to look into him.
I've talked in the past about the fact that I grew up in the same town as the Westboro Baptist Church, a hate group that's pretty free with the bigoted causes it takes up but focuses mostly on homosexuality as their call to arms. They're the angry people with the "God Hates Fags" signs. And to make matters more complicated, in my early teen years my sibling was diagnosed with a partially inoperable brain tumor, something they and my family dealt with until their eventual death late last year.
I am the eldest, and in the wake of all this information I decided early on that my problems weren't important enough to trouble my family with. As I understand it, this is not an uncommon belief in siblings of cancer survivors and is almost universally unhealthy.
These three things created a pretty perfect storm that led me to be overly introspective, unduly critical of myself, and publicly unemotive. From the outside I'm sure this read as unflappable, independent, and confident in my actions to anyone who wasn't close enough to see the cracks. I'm almost positive of this because it's what I tried to convince myself of until I had to confront the reality of my own sexuality in college, this along with some truly bad coping mechanisms lead me to have a mental breakdown that ended in me dropping out of college only a few hours from completing my degree. In the wake of that I found a great community here on Tumblr, and I learned a lot about myself and things I had taken for granted about the world we live in.
The depression didn't magically go away. For years after this I had an abusive relationship with alcohol, and things got pretty sloppy as I was attempting to challenge my own complex relationship with my sexuality by attempting to sleep with anyone who would have me. My wife met me at the very end of this stage, after I had decided I was ready to start pulling my life back together, and is still surprised when I talk about this stage of my life.
All of this is important because one of the weirdest things about being non-binary is that it can't really be affirmatively defined. There is nothing about womanhood that is more comforting to me than manhood. But I do know that my entire life has been filled with a pervading and constant feeling that no part of me, from the truth of my body, to the truth of my mind, has ever fit into whatever skewed idea my mind has created of what a man is. The last decade or so of my life has been dedicated to reconciling that disharmony. I started first with accepting that I was bisexual and that there wasn't anything wrong with that, and now I've moved on to tackling my discomfort with my gender. And along the way I've found happiness and comfort I was denying myself.
I'm going to turn thirty in a few months, and a part of me (a part that I used to personify as a chiding voice in my poetry) thinks that there's no way I could have made it this long without recognizing such a fundamental truth of my own self. It thinks that despite the joy I've found outside my previous gender role that considering myself trans is just a little bit extreme, don't you think?
So you can understand why its so surreal to be attacked because I'm no longer living up to a gender role I'm choosing actively distancing myself from. You can also understand how much it hurts because I've had that same voice inside me for years, and that voice has been the most vicious violence I've ever done to myself.
My ex fiancé & boundaries.
You pushed all my buttons at once.
The fact that I continually opened up to you about my feelings about the drinking problem, yet nothing changed. I was tired of constantly being the bad guy and telling you to stop drinking. But it became an issue. I became so tired of the excuses. “I’m stressed / depressed” being the main one. So the fuck what? Other people don’t turn to alcohol whenever they have stress. You kept telling me how you were so different to your father. Doubt that.
You have given me every reason to not believe a word you said.
You always were at the centre of any sort of drama.
You always found a reason to be sad when you drank. It’s like you kept a list in your head about every bad thing that’s happened to you. Even things that didn’t directly impact on your life, you found a way to be upset about. Someone was always dying. You got into fights with your friends. I was recently informed you’ve been to court over drunk and disorderly conduct. That was new to me.
You can bitch about how I was trying to “control” you all you want, but just know, I came out on top. I have boundaries that you were always crossing. I have absolutely no respect for you, I never want to see you again. It’s crazy how quickly that changed too.
I felt crazy. You constantly told me to tell you everything and anything that was on my mind. But that’s not true is it? I was worried about your drinking yet you never wanted to hear that. Some things were simply off limits. You told me to tap you on the shoulder whenever you were snoring so you could go sleep upstairs and yet when I finally got the courage to do that, you reacted poorly. You wouldn’t move and I just thought, just another thing you said you’re going to do, but didn’t. I didn’t want it to be another fight so instead I just left without saying a fucking thing, like usual.
The last few weeks this has felt wrong. Everytime you entered the room my heart started pounding and I thought what’s it going to be today? Angry, sad or happy?
The most childish person I have ever met. You refused any sort of help and denied you had a problem with alcohol.
You cannot change how I feel about what you said the other night. It was chilling. You were so proud that you’ve never hit me. Have you thought about it? When I confronted you about it you said that it was to prove that you’re not a violent person. What???? Well I think even saying that, says something about you. Then you said “do you want me to hit you?” I think it was then, that my fears about who you were as a person, finally broke to the surface and you wouldn’t change.
Just so you know, it took a lot for me to talk to you about drinking. I know you hate it. You think the people that bug you about it sound like your mum and a broken record. Yeah well, you never tried to address it did you? So what the fuck else was I meant to do? I couldn’t drag you to therapy, that was something you had to be ready and willing to do, but you never were. Excuses.
You promised me you’re going to do things the next day or when that doesn’t happen, the day after that. Things like the washing up or the laundry, I have to ask a lot of times for you to do your fair share and it seemed like that was very annoying to you. How are you supposed to get up and be a functioning member of society when you just sleep all day because you’re hungover? None of your friends that I’ve met have this issue. You’ve lost quite a few people close to you in the time we were together. Two of them were groomsmen. When you were drunk too. Doesn’t that tell you something?
You’ve missed job interviews because you were hungover. What does that tell you? When will enough be enough?
I’ve tried again and again to help you but you just didn’t want to hear it. I’d ask you to stop drinking at 6 beers. You whined and said “my ex J* / my mum was controlling me about my alcohol too….” well now I know why. You are an alcoholic. Plain and simple. You sometimes drink at 11 in the morning. How is that not concerning? You can say you’re nothing like your dad all you want, but you’re already half way there. I’ve tried so hard to help you but in the end it was simply too much. I’ve tried being nice to you, I’ve tried being firm, really putting my foot down, did absolutely nothing. In the end, alcohol won, over a real life person.
I’ve cried so much over the last week and hardly slept at all, it’s exhausting.
But you know what? I’m not that sad because I probably mentally checked out of the relationship long before it actually happened. There was a pattern of red flags but I choose to ignore them because of the good I saw in you. It was so hard for me to watch you do things that are bad for you but then I thought, hey, he’s an almost 30 year old man, he can make his own choices.
What you said to me before you left was so incredibly juvenile, I couldn’t quite believe it it had happened.
“hopefully the next one won’t be such a fuck up”
who actually says that? You have this need for attention like no one I’ve ever know before. You have all these dramas in your life because you secretly love it. Every day it was just something new to be sad about and it did get to me. I think you hold on to your trauma to bring up every so often just so people can feel sorry for you, instead of dealing with it directly, like an adult. I refuse to spend my life being dishonest with myself because I spent so much of my life doing so. Sure, it was good for a while, but then your true colours started to show. Sure, I had anger issues which occasionally popped out and I fully own that, but at least I’m doing something about it.
I just learnt to be quiet about certain things because it was the best way to avoid a conflict. It was so frustrating because I was trying to be rational and say to myself, this is temporary, we will get through this but nothing was ever enough for you. I tried so hard to help you be the person you always wanted to be. But then I reached a dead end. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m not a professional and you need help.
If you really truly knew how much I was hurting, you would’ve just stopped. Plain and simple. If you really cared as much as you said you did, you would’ve stopped.
This was the most drama fuelled break up I’ve ever experienced. Imagine getting the police involved to go pick up your stuff? Imagine? We could’ve just been civil to each other, but no you had your friends come to you rescue, yet again instead of doing it yourself. I should have known really. You always went on and on about how you were the hero to your friends and recued them in their time of need as if to prove something to me. That you were the nice guy. I should have realised sooner that this was just a cover up to the horrible person you really are. Comparing your form of stress release (drinking) to mine (gym) was very very out of line. You said to me “how would you feel if I didn’t let you go to the gym?” as if the two are comparable. Going to the gym is a healthy coping mechanism, whereas, drinking all day, is not. Surely you know that. You may not feel like there’s anything wrong with your way of “coping” but there sure is. Everyone else can see it but not you.
I asked you several times to go talk to my dad about better ways of coping but there was always an excuse not to. Changing all of this is no one’s job except yours. You are extremely insecure and it shows. You get jealous when I call someone else a pet name. When I had someone / something else as my lock screen. Like my pet? I don’t agree with the way J* went about it, but I’m guessing the same issues popped up and she felt suffocated and just wanted to escape.
You spent so much of my money and I’m never seeing it again. Well lucky for you, you’ve helped me learn a lesson. Never again will I be in a relationship with anyone if they cannot support themselves financially. You expected me to drive you everywhere without ever considering how I might feel about it. I might be doing something else, I might be working or I might not feel like driving at all. But you guilt tripped me, every time, and I fed into it. You have a lot of issues with things. I get it. It sucks. But so does everyone. People have problems but not everyone walks around advertising their problems and pain. You made it clear that you aren’t getting professional help anytime soon, how long was I meant to deal with all YOUR problems on my own? Right now, my dad is changing the locks on our house because he’s worried you might come back and do something.
You were always broke but ruined every chance at getting a job. You had a job for one day, decided you didn’t like it and got out of there. What pisses me off is that you didn’t explain to the boss why you just left. Sure, you say that no one got a break, wouldn’t that be worth talking about with them? You didn’t go the next day and left no explanation of why. Again, you expected everyone to just come to you.
You know what? There has been absolutely no evidence that you’ve been in the army and saying so really shocks me. You kept telling me you’d show me medals and photos but again, there was always an excuse. I hate to think that you’re lying about this but there’s just no proof. Even your mum is saying you were never in the army.
I can safely say that this was a learning experience never to be repeated.
I’m not even that sad if I’m honest. I mentally checked out of the relationship weeks ago and I don’t feel bad for bad having boundaries. I wish you luck but I won’t ever be yours again and it feels so good knowing that I finally stood up for myself. Better late than never.
I couldn’t help you. I tried but in the end I couldn’t do it anymore without losing myself and I refuse to do that again.
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This blog is run by a sociopath that tried to get me to kill myself and you should look at it and see how shallow and toxic they are. This person has literally no original thoughts and they know everyone in my life and everything I own and we were friends for 10 years yet they are trying to frame me for all of the dumb shit they did and they have been planning to screw me over since we were little kids because I'm queer. Even teenagers can be sex offenders; I don't want to share my personal space with them and they shouldn't be getting away with this. They just left it up after high school to mock my mental health crisis and after I felt forced to explain my trauma they didn't help me get a lawyer or even talk about my situation to anyone. She's literally trying to tell me that she can't control her urges and I'm really sick of it. We grew up in Amish Country and I was a liberal artist and she basically stalked me so I wouldn't come out. Now everyone thinks I'm crazy and I have no help just because she's homophobic and she is critical of me being feminist. Her brother is a drug dealer and after trying to report him to police I've gotten nowhere and she's using the people she knows to threaten my life like talking about them "beating people up" and using guns and stuff. All I could do was joke around to get her to back off because it offended my pride so much, and I was in the closet so I was really confused. She's even provoked my abuser to harass me and bullied my brother and other family members, and lies about me to everyone. She got friends of mine to vandalize my house and because she kept me silent, no one in my life believes I'm trans right now because they think I'm just going crazy. They can think whatever but they're impolite and refusing to talk to me or ask me any questions. There's always a choice. Stop shaming people. I know what I'm doing. You have to accept that people aren't perfect; sexual harassment is not okay and there will be consequences.
SHE WANTS ME TO LOOK DANGEROUS. IT'S NOT TRUE. I AM WHO I SAY I AM. TRANS OR NOT - SHE WOULDN'T LET ME LIVE. Exposing her is not what I want to do, but I don't know where my life is going and it's her fault I don't have independence. I didn't know that I should get legal assistance, I was the only progressive person in my life and I was just trying to be responsible. She literally has an excuse for everything. I'm sick of being used, she doesn't have any respect for herself. I can't just forget and move on. We spent almost every day together, I connected her with my other friends and I took her on trips with me, whatever she wanted. She was just leading me on. I didn't want to be with her and I taught her all kinds of manners and coping mechanisms and she is just sick and trying to make me kill myself. I was trying to be mature but she was not thinking about me with respect, she just wanted me to be a totally different person. I didn't know she was being so deceitful or that her choices impacted me so much; I thought she was just being boring and lazy. Her and this other girl won't leave me alone until I do something wrong. They were just humiliating me. I thought they were depressed but they were just not dealing with their issues and using me to hurt themselves and manipulate people. I wanted them to agree to a certain level of respect and self love and they just threw it back in my face. I made every weekend a party and everything we did was innocent, but to them it was something else and I hate that. I think they just want to settle down to look a certain way and I don't know what they're using my personality anymore. They're deprived and they wouldn't even lift a finger to make me feel understood. Seriously. They're control freaks and I would never make a mistake because I don't want them to feel like they're a part of my personal life. They don't accept me or treat me with respect, that's not a personal freedom, and they're not a special exception, and all of that is just LIFE, it's out of MY control.
If they made different choices then they would be different people. It's that simple. I didn't say "change who you are" I said "change how you're acting because it's hurting my feelings" and never once did I address you with serious affection or romance, and you know that. Patronizing people can be sexual harassment if you have any other way of communicating. You don't have a good reason to talk to me like that. I didn't like your tone but you know it's actually about the things that you said. You were getting off on it and I didn't want my relationships to be that way. I know what it's like to have chemistry with someone. You're a bully and it's not okay just because you're a straight girl. And if I were you I would stop acting illiterate because if you won't take me seriously you need to learn something from somebody else. Fuck you and you're stupid vacation. I'm not a part of your church and I don't fucking understand. You're a young woman. You don't need anyone to support your lifestyle especially ME if it includes berating ME. This is a turning point for me. If I don't talk about this then I'm not going to feel like my experience was real. I have a different point of view and you need to take responsibility for yourself because your perspective on life is bull shit. I'm not sorry you're upset; stop harassing me. Don't be mad at me. I don't care what you think about me anymore. You're wasting your energy on anger. Everything in your life is about anger. You think you're so wise and mature for literally victimizing someone. Think about that. I'm not going to rebuild my life under the pretenses that I'm to blame for your ignorance.
You're smarter than everybody else in this stupid-ass place. Fuck you for ruining this community, hazing me and sexually harassing people. You're LITERALLY anti-Semitic and it's disgusting. You knew to keep that a secret, so why don't you hide some of your other shameful thoughts and feelings??? How dare you give me some kind of ultimatum after already endangering my life. That is all that you DO and human beings are NOT CAPABLE of such pretentious authority. We have no choice!!! When are you going to understand empathy? I'm not saying you are doomed to be a sociopath, but you fucked this up. I'm not going to tell you what to think. No more cheating. All I get to do is cuss and hum and haw about how perverted everyone is. YOU are not a leader and YOU are not getting away with this. I'm not choosing sides; you are. Some of us are afraid. You have to stop. Rape is a choice. Sexual orientation is not a choice. You can be anyone but you can't be a nazi. Sorry about your life. Fuck you for putting me in danger. You're not more important than me.