#it’s the substitute of course it’s the substitute

[maikissed]

and the day after that, and day after that part 2

jude bellingham x reader there's a bit of sexy times, so.. Jude likes them older so I here’s a part 2, what can I say...

Your stance awkward and stiff as you observed your surroundings, your gaze stopping a few times to glance in Jude’s direction. He didn’t seem much concerned or reserved regarding last night events and it filled you with such ire, that his confessions turned to be your burden to solve. Giving the impression as he’s been freed after voicing his decision, if u could call it that, waiting for you to make yours. As if there was any decision to make. You never wanted to make one. Your heart turned heavier at the thought of it alone, because every solution you considered in the morning seemed difficult. It was foolish. Would you break his heart? Could you? Something was telling you that he was not going to let you, and that was what frustrated you the most.

This whole day you’ve been very attentive and observant, and the revelations of many conclusions that hit you afterwards were astounding. He’s been benevolent, and caring, starting with the mug of warm lemon water waiting at you at the breakfast table. It’s been the fifth time that he prepared you your morning drink exactly the way you made it, but it’s been the first time you noticed that he remembered perfectly. He just shrugged it off. Simple gesture, with such new meaning suddenly. And then, twenty minutes later when Mia asked you if you’re willing to join her for swim, he nonchalantly stated the most obvious thing: “It’s only nine Mia, she’s not stepping one foot in the morning sun cause it’s too harsh”. He’s known you your whole life, of course he was aware of your habits and tendencies, but it struck you like a bullet after you realised not many people around you were so considerate. He’s always been close, always your favourite person to be around. He paid attention to every little thing there could be, that you preferred cauliflower over broccoli, the opinion that milk is for calves and not humans and it’s absolutely useless for our system, therefore you never drink it, so he always went on a hunt for a proper substitute for you. Even your brother frowned after you rejected the lactose free one in your coffee. Next, he remembered that you hate musicals, too big pillows to sleep on and creased, not ironed clothes. All of it, messing with your head the whole day, you we’re fuming. You swore something in your brain started to malfunction.

And it felt like bricks falling over your head when you caught yourself analysing his current encounter with a long-legged blond near the bar. What was it today? A nutter day? You took a big gulp of your sour drink.

“What is it with you today?” Mia slumped next to you on the settee “You’ve been having your little stuffy face on the whole day. Or is it the daiquiri?” she clicked her long nail on your glass.

“Don’t know, think I ate something bad” you murmured.

“You’ve barely eaten today” she snorted.

You sent her a sharp look.

“Maybe that’s it”

The eye roll she made at your answer did not slip your attention. Giving her a proper look you could tell your friend had already had one too many, as her accent turned heavier and her hair a little messier. She was a yapper when she was drunk, that’s for sure. She will not make this evening easy for you. And you’ve already been on pins and needles.

“You need a shag” she pointed out making you roll your eyes this time.

Well, we have an expert.

“I’ve had plenty just few days ago”

“From what I’ve heard, from you of course may I add, Alex’s not really living up to the expectations” she giggled quite proud of her valuable notice.

“He’s alright!” you fought back.

“Look around you! Maybe it’s time to taste something new”

Before you could really process what Mia’s intentions were, she suddenly stood up and your eyes widened, observing her wobbly stance, expecting the unexpected.

“Attention everybody!” she shouted and you froze, your eyes glued to her bright face “My gorgeous friend here needs a proper shag!” she accented the last word.

“Mia!” you gasped trying to grasp her arm to make her sit down because clearly, that was not very wise of her. Outrageous!  

Many faces gathered on the terrace obviously turned your way to find the source of this blatant declaration. Your face probably beet root at the moment. What a night.

“She’s quite a treat, as you can see” she twirled to take a look down at you “Any possible suitors please report to me first!”

You could hear someone laugh in the distance and you flinched knowing for sure, that every hotel guest will definitely gawk at you for the rest of your stay.

You gaped at your petite friend with open mouth. Words blocked in your throat.

“Now, we wait and see” she sang sitting down and kissing your cheek in the process.

“There’s a special place for you in this world” you hissed “You should start rubbing dirt on yourself”

“Oh, death threats?!” she just laughed it off.

There was a movement on your side and you prepared yourself for the worst, turning your eyes up to spot Jude with an amused expression painted on his face. Oh, he loved that.

“Dance with me?” that was all that left his lips and you frowned, gazing at his palm extended to you.

“And we have the first candidate!” Mia chirped.

“Now I have to keep an eye on her, thanks to your little announcement, Mia”

You saw her sending him a small wink.

“I accept your application, Bellingham”

And as you had enough of this not very enjoyable to you situation, you stood up abruptly, taking the boy’s hand, letting him lead you near the dancing couples. The song was too slow for your liking. You lost the sense of your own body as he placed your palm on his shoulder, the other gripped lightly in his left hand.

“You’re wearing the necklace” he observed, his voice startling you a little since you were immensely focused on his fingers displayed on your bare back.

Big, almost covering it from side to side.

His comment made you remember that you indeed wore the delicate necklace he gifted you for your 24th birthday. White gold, because he knew you adored it. You never wore it on a daily basis because you found it too precious. And that he knew as well.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Well, obviously not because I’m being presented as an escort for tonight”

He laughed at your comment and you smiled at the sound of it.

“I wore it as a totem” you started after a few moments, your hand on his shoulder twitched uncontrollably “Of my undying… love and devotion for you, Jude” you watched his features turning serious. Dark, sparkling eyes boring into yours. “All of it, strictly platonic” you specified.

A soft smirk flashing before your eyes when he spun you around, pressing you much closer to him as you faced him again. Warm flesh, hard lines of his body, close.

“I am patient” he murmured quietly.

And you felt the vibration from his words on your skin! You realised you kept your mouth slightly agape. What an arrogant, self-assured little bastard. Making this hundred times more difficult for you than you expected. What will it take for you to put up this fight?

“My father once told me” he continued, taking advantage of a lack of response from you “That if you find a person that makes your heart serene, your head calm and your body light, it means you’re home. I have this and more when I’m with you, all I’m asking for is one chance”.

You remembered the boy, always around, not as loud as your brother, gentle, considerate, the boy who used to fix your bike when your brakes started to screech or share his last sour bubble gum with you because it was your favourite. The boy who held out his hand for you when you were jumping over the fences in your neighbourhood, the first boy who called you beautiful when you wore your awkward little baby blue dress at the end of the sixth school year. He resembled him so much now, in this moment. With his eyes big and shiny, honest, sincere.

You didn’t know but minutes has passed as you reminisced, taking in the sight of his face, changed over all those years, yet eyes still the same, always. You were still rocking gently into the music but all you could hear now was slow breaths of his and yours, felt the beating of your hearts inside your ribs that were touching. The rhythm was steady, synchronised. Serene. You stopped.

Taking a step back you still held his hand with yours and there was a glimpse of something close to dismay appearing all so sudden on his expression. For the first time. There it was, you could end it now. Finally the doubt showed it’s way to the surface and it was enough. With a heart on his sleeve he confessed. And you had the tool to became the executioner. But you didn’t let go of his hand and said nothing nonetheless, just took another step back wanting him to follow. Blood pumping in your veins as you wondered what exactly were you going to do? Maybe say? But you knew what you wanted to do, you just considered if you should. Not wanting to wait too long, you didn’t head to the stairs leading to your rooms as you planned at first, instead taking a turn to the small café near the lobby, empty now at this hour, with lights low.

You faced him again, slowly placing one of your hands on his neck, the other reaching for his cheek, your thumb grazing the skin there. He pulled you closer to him, his arm fully wrapped around your middle. You sighted. After counting three steady breaths you leaned in, realising you had to stand on your toes just a little to reach him right but he lowered his head to make you both comfortable. The soft touch didn’t turn into the kiss instantly, you gently swayed making the impression of leaning back again but you quickly realised you turned a bit dizzy. It was pleasant. So when you brought your lips back to his, you finally kissed him properly and he put the perfect pressure to it in response. Nothing about it was weird, as you considered for a second before making a move. A first kiss, yet felt very natural. Like it was promised. Like it simply waited for it’s right moment. Moving your hands further up, locking them behind his head you deepened the kiss, intensifying the movement of your lips against each other and there was a moment of your lips parting just a bit more, that he took advantage of, his tongue meeting yours in a stunning flick, making you let out a timid moan. Unwise. He pushed you back gently, your bum meeting with the edge of one of the tables around. You leaned back when he sped up, the kiss heating up and your heart skipped a bit. He took notice of a gentle push of your palm on his chest, breaking the contact.

“Don’t think too much, just feel me” he whispered against your lips.

He said it to simply comfort you but it sounded so sexy you could feel tingles spreading over every inch of your skin. You refused to open your eyes at first, but when you did (a mistake) you almost choked with your own breath at the sight of him. Towering over you, close, his palm on your cheek, the other hand gripping your hip. Oh, you’ve been so foolish.

And you kissed him again, the contact more firm, closeness more certain, you could feel your breath speeding up. You were practically sitting on the surface of the table right now. Another moan leaving your throat as you could feel him sliding in between your legs, your dress hiking up a little and you were inviting him, lewdly parting your thighs.

“Jude” you breathed pulling away “We should stop there”

He looked absolutely enchanting with his pretty eyes shining in the gentle lights around you. And you didn’t move or pushed him away, so he leaned in, brushing his lips on your neck, under your ear, going lower. The warmth and wetness of his tongue on this delicate skin made you loose your composure once again and you grasped his nape closing your eyes. It was way more than just a simple contact of two excited people. You felt drugged, ecstatic, freed.

“Stop” you whispered, not very convincingly but he stopped still.

You kind of regretted it.

“I might die if you stop me right there” he rasped.

“Bit dramatic” you smiled even though you felt like agreeing.

“I’m serious” he pecked your lips to kiss you again but you turned your head away.

“Let’s go upstairs”

“To have sex?” he whispered the question into your ear, spreading goose bumps all over your neck.

You laughed.

“To talk”

#football imagine #football fics #jude bellingham imagine #jude bellingham #bellingham x reader #jude bellingham x you #jude bellingham blurb #jude bellingham one shot #jude bellingham fic #jude bellingham x reader

[lloydfrontera]

anyway have i talked about how i think it sucks the adaptation got rid of the subplot of javier knowing about suho's identity without lloyd knowing and being really conflicted about it only to slowly come to trust him based on his actions?? this is a rhetorical question of course i have.

i just. it's such a big part of javier's character. he's so careful and protective of the fronteras, he loves them so much, he can't stand the idea of doing something that could hurt them and he doesn't know if he can trust lloyd with them.

he used to. he trusted lloyd more than anyone. he truly believed he wanted the best for his family. and then he finds out lloyd has been lying to him for years, has made him unknowingly fail in his most important duty, has been deceiving the family he loves so much and he doesn't know if he can trust him to do right by them anymore.

but. but it's lloyd. and javier is very, very weak when it comes to lloyd. even if he doesn't quite realize just how much.

he wants to believe in lloyd. he hopes and he wishes and he tentatively lets himself do it but he doesn't really know if he can.

What you think about the family, the lord, and about me. I cannot tell if you are using us. Whether that is why you have been hiding your identity this entire time. I do not know the answer to anything. However... However... Javier had only one wish. I hope I won't come to regret the countless number of times I made the decision to help you in the past and in the present.

but god does he want to.

and then a big part of the rest of their relationship arc is javier regaining the trust in lloyd he'd lost. is him analyzing lloyd's actions and words and deciding for himself that yes, he can trust this man. he can trust him to do the right thing, he can trust him with his most precious people, he can trust him above anyone else despite the fact that lloyd won't tell him the truth.

and it's extra poignant because lloyd has absolutely no idea about this. javier never lets him know. he goes through a crisis of faith, a slowburn of trust and then has a feelings realization without ever telling lloyd a word about it. lloyd manages to gain back javier's trust plus his complete devotion without even really trying because he doesn't even know he has to.

it's an insane character arc and relationship and i love it. it's also a big part of their dynamic later on the novel and i do not understand why they just. threw it away in favor of an anticlimactic revelation with a dash of character assassination.

i wonder what they will substitute this dynamic with or if they will just,,, not give them anything else to replace it

#i talk a lot <3 #tged #the greatest estate developer #lloyd frontera #javier asrahan #ch 283 #this rant brought to you by the fact the adaptation skipped javier getting to see lloyd at his most unguarded #and listen his honest thoughts without lloyd knowing about it #i hate it here </333

[thatonegeekygirl]

Murder On the Puppet History Set

or

Ryan Tries to Solve a Confounding Crime While Estranged Producer Shane Madej and The Prof Hang Out and Are Entirely Unhelpful

#this is my first foray into puppet history art so hope I did it justice!! #shane and the professor vibing at the most inopportune times #holy baloney the background took an era #puppet history #shane madej #ryan bergara #the professor #shane and ryan #ryan and shane #watcher entertainment #all hail the watcher #watcher #shane and the professor #ryan “beef boy” bergara #the prof #pile of diamonds #I guess?? i mean he’s dead but he’s there #since you’ve looked through all those tags you deserve to know who killed him……. #it’s the substitute of course it’s the substitute #guy ain’t going down without a fight #if we don’t get violent substitute comeback next season ill eat my hat #(one of those “is it cake” hats but anyway) #the geek draws

[twilight-deviant]

I'm trying to remember if DP ever said where/when Vlad got Danny's DNA to make a clone in the first place............

(Yeah, hair doesn't have DNA unless you get the root. Did you want me to draw him swabbing the inside of Danny's mouth? XD)

#Danny Phantom #DaNnA #My mind is creating an AU where he stole Danny's DNA through... means #but of course Dani fails without the mid-morph DNA #Instead of having a crazy villain plot about it though #Vlad just substitutes his own mid-morph DNA? #It doesn't... not affect her #What I'm saying is that (like their firstborn evil boy) Dani becomes a genetic combination of them both #This seems like the obvious solution to me if I were Vlad #(Granted he wanted an exact Danny clone) #(Too bad you get the daughter you're dealt) #My Art #Danny Fenton #Vlad Masters

[chocolate-cringymuffin]

Guess who has a new inconsistent style? :)

#korranok art #now seriously #Ihave not been active for personal reasons #and let´s say I REALLY messed up #so I lost all my drawings that I didn´t post here #And well I had to get a quick substitute for my old drawing tablet #so I am getting used to this new method an it will take me time to adjust #so of course the comic is going to be paused until I can draw decent art again haha #that's why the line art such as the color is too weird here #just posting this to know I still care about you guys and hope ya all are doing fine #some mutuals deactivated recently and well... #someone has to keep the problematics ships floating right? #and it seems we gotta keep up with the task! #hope to adapt to this soon

[pochapal]

this being the first theory battler has lampshaded and discarded as a joke is making me extremely 👁

#umineko liveblog #like. everything else has been taken seriously even when it's stupid #but this is outright dismissed the second it's mentioned. surely not.......... #ough but wait. the possibility of the captive beatrice falling pregnant is rather high #and there are several plausible scenarios with which a hidden child could work #i mean if we go full cliche then the answer here is that nanjo somehow helped beatrice hide the child #making him like double compromised with kinzo. almost like a moral stalemate even #also given the date the mansion was built we can assume this kid would be in their early/mid 30s present day #only known candidate on rokkenjima who fits the criteria would be rosa but that doesn't really makes sense #either that or gohda is a good 10-15 years younger than you'd think he is #but then i'm thinking about the ushiromiya shannon stuff and wondering if there isn't an orphanage link #not that shannon's the beatrice child because she's 15 years too young for that #but perhaps the kid was concealed in the orphanage and this is where the furniture stuff comes in? #every single servant kid is less than human unless they prove themselves to be a worthy substitute for the lost child #and the abuse comes from the fact that they also bear the brunt of kinzo's rage at this kid for having slipped out of his grasp #and of course none of the servant children can ever compare to kinzo's ideal so the cycle perpetuates forever #furniture in that they're being punished for not innately being an ushiromiya successor #this also feeds into the beatrice/kinzo becoming stuff too at a slightly different angle #the children are brought on expected to carry fragments of both beatrice and kinzo and tormented when they fail to do so #meanwhile i genuinely think if a beatrice kid existed they would presently be extremely far removed from rokkenjima #like some random well adjusted adult who knows very little of their origins #meaning that even if kinzo ever found this person they too would not be a fitting ushiromiya successor #yeah i think there might be some potential for this kind of theory

[sysig]

Haha, this Winterkov stuff is fun- where did all these other feelings come from (Patreon)

#Doodles #And to think it's still all Winter's fault lol #I would not be feeling even a fraction of what I'm feeling if not for still being Very about him even with Petrigrof so at the forefront #He inspired a lot! How rude lol #He can't be blamed for All of it of course - the Petrigrof dynamic is extremely cute discounting him entirely lol #Throwing it into relief against Winterkov makes for some very interesting thoughts tho lol #The dynamics are different! As expected when substituting one character for another lol #But even the Winterkov dynamic can be looked at through a Petrigrof lense - of how much Simon was shaped by Betty #Of how much of him is human - how much is effected by Magic/Madness/Sadness - how they slot together and grow into themselves! #It's all interesting! They're very interesting! And in love! And cute! #Big love always gets me real bad haha ♪ I just love love - especially so when it's got some meat to it hehe #Betty and Simon are/were very good for each other and it's extremely sad that they never got to grow together into marriage et al #And/but they were also very flawed people! That would've come up at some point in their relationship even if they were overall happy #And what Simon has brought with him through the gift that Betty gave him I just jdklsafhdsf #I do really love them they have such good chemistry and fun motivations and what they end up doing in relation to each other! #Fun to dissect #Adventure Time #Simon Petrikov #Betty Grof #Petrigrof

[olreid]

in order for a family to be able to think of itself as happy, all its members must maintain this self-image by participating in the ritual performance of happiness. if one member becomes unhappy, there are several options: (a) return the member to happiness or to the performance of happiness, which for our purposes are the same thing. whether this happens through genuine reconciliation or through coercion is not important; it is the end state of apparent happiness that matters. (b) hear out the causes of the unhappiness and address them, making structural changes to the family if necessary in order to accommodate this conflicting perspective. what emerges at the end may no longer resemble the original family, but the cause of the unhappiness will have been confronted. or (c ) determine that the unhappy member has caused their own unhappiness, since there is no unhappiness in the happy family; the deliquent member must have either generated it themselves or imported it from beyond the walls of the family. either way, the solution is the same; shame and ostracize the unhappy member through any means of your choosing - though painting them as crazy and unstable is a common one - if they insist on remaining unhappy, they may no longer remain in the family, since to be both a member of the family and unhappy is a contradiction in terms.

what happens when the unhappy member refuses to be shamed or silenced, and insists in locating the cause of the unhappiness within the family itself? can the family survive such a pointed threat to its existence? might it renew its efforts to stamp out this dissenter? would it rather self-destruct than admit to generating the very condition it tells itself it seeks to avoid?

#and of course we might substitute family for state with little difference to the whole process. #hamlet #:)

[lurafita]

Sick Max: "I'm dying."

Alec: "Max, your temperature is hardly even elevated. "

Max: "I think I'm delirious. I just hallucinated my brother making light of my deadly illness."

Magnus: "He's got the theatralics from you." - Cue Alec giving Magnus a side-eye.

Max: "I leave all my action figures to Madzie. And all my comics to Matt. Sophia gets my art supplies, I only took that mundane course to get closer to Blair. And Jace can have my broken nintendo that always dies right when you save the game, for eating the last cupcake."

Alec: "Well, he's got the petty vengence thing from you."

#magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #shadowhunters tv #max lightwood #max has the man cold #malec take care of him #this is Alec's brother not his son #you are free to substitute the characters if you want of course #but I prefer the tv canon #mainly because it’s the only one I know

[the-bees-patella]

apparently what it takes for me to become a rabid reply guy is dipshits in the comments on an article about whether a player strike is the only way to force changes in the exponential demands of club/league/international football. "they're millionaires and should stop whining" wash your ass and shut up, steve. we're all grist for the goddamn mill

#other choice responses: #'why don't managers just substitute more' #i don't know how to explain to you that winning is incentivized in a fucking sports competition #could managers do better? of course. does that resolve the systemic issue #fucking NO steve #it does not #and yes of COURSE fifa sucks. we all know this #i'm going to have to start a football tag for blacklisting. taking suggestions #football

[stairset]

The Ahsoka show might be great. It might suck. It might just be mid. Either way I’m glad Rebels is gonna be essential viewing (I mean more than it already is) and the normies will no longer have any excuse to blatantly ignore it just cause they assume it’s Too Kiddy because of the art style. I had to deal with people saying Solo was the first time the Imperial March was established as the Empire’s in-universe national anthem. I had to deal with people saying Fallen Order was the first time a Jedi knighting ceremony was shown in canon. I had to deal with people watching Clone Wars season 7 and thinking Ursa was the Armorer cause they didn’t take five seconds to read the end credits. I had to deal with people who didn’t watch Clone Wars OR Rebels talking about Mandalore stuff and thinking they know more than me cause they skimmed a Wookieepedia article. I had to deal with people saying the Obi-Wan show should’ve been about Maul hunting down Obi-Wan as if it wasn’t a story that had already been told 5 years prior. No more. At long last I shall be free.

#that fifth example in particular pissed me off so much #like i remember seeing rumors that maul was originally considered to be in the obi-wan show #and that filoni was the one who suggested they use the inquisitors instead #which as far i can tell all that was just rumors with no hard confirmation #but anyway someone made a post about it that was like ''oh OF COURSE filoni suggested they use a character from a filoni show'' #and i mean say what you will about dave showing favoritism towards his characters #but you REALLY think it was a bad call to feature the jedi hunters instead? in the show about a surviving jedi? #you REALLY gonna tell me it would've been better if they dismissed an entire season's worth of plot development from rebels? #yeeeaah no. fuck off. #and the mandalore thing is the second most annoying of these #like at least half of the worst takes about the mandalorian are from people who never watched clone wars or rebels #and think reading fandom wikis is a substitute for actually experiencing the story and makes them an expert #i'm not saying everyone's obligated to watch them. just don't act like you know more than me when you don't. bitch. #the first three examples aren't nearly as annoying it's just about the principle #shut up tristan

[merelymatt]

this weekend I learned about a drinking game called Splitting the G. you get a full pint of guinness in a guinness glass. you pick up that beer and take a big chug. you put the glass back down and look at the level of the beer. if it's between the top and bottom of the G in Guinness you have split the G and you win (or maybe don't lose?)

anyway I'm leaving this here for ttrpg design tumblr to make a resolution mechanic out of. I'm thinking something along the lines of

split the G - succeed

don't drink enough (G still in the black) - fall short

drink too much (G fully in the clear) - overextend yourself and expose yourself to danger (but maybe with some benefit or opportunity for really going for it?)

#ttrpg #ttrpg design #ttrpg mechanics #resolution mechanics #there's escalation built in because you're drinking so each check is less likely to succeed #but maybe you get muscle memory to counteract that #also you could of course do this with non alcoholic drinks too #substituting something carbonated brings its own challenges #is that how you do different difficulties?

[skyriderwednesday]

CHRONOLOGY BUG REPORT:

I re-read The Yellow Face and it's apparently 'early spring', rather than summer as I put it. I am currently debating the following options:

Option 1: To move it ahead of The Speckled Band - as I would consider 'early' spring to be March, and April to be 'mid' spring.

Option 2: To move it to 1884, which would situate it either directly before or directly after The Copper Beeches.

Option 3: To leave it where it is, and just change 'summer 1883' to 'spring 1883' in the write-up.

Option 4 (wildcard): To move it even further forward to Spring 1882.

I'd appreciate input on this :)

#sherlock holmes #acd canon #i reject your chronology and substitute my own #of course i realise this after committing it to paper

[britneyshakespeare]

i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

#tales from diana #long post #sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness #and idk. im tired. im so tired #do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not #thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation #not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again #that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para #i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth #i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to #'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on #the indignity of that! #i already feel undignified enough. #and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god #i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him #like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do #earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said #that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild #my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak #like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior #i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task #and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did #i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly #like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW #that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer #a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively #that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him

[witchlasagna]

Got spoiled fruit? Are you a witch?

Here's a simple spell for attracting sweetness into an unsatisfactory social life.

Cleanse your area, preferably a floral scent of incense. (Use whatever works for you and make sure it's safe for animals if you have any).

Get whatever spoiled fruit you have, and run it under warm water until room temperature or heated.

Cut the fruit open.

Sprinkle the inside with sugar for sweetness and purity.

Drip honey into the slice for attraction.

Top with yarrow for healing and positive energy.

Seal with black or brown wax for protection (black) or home blessings (brown).

"Wrapped in warmth, sealed with safety; everything is perfectly okay."

#you could also use white wax as a substitute; of course #magick #witchcraft #witchblr #spellwork #grimoire #heathenry #deity work #spellcraft #spellbound #witch tips #witchery #sweet spell #yarrow spell #sugar spell #honey spell #color magick #witch #spell #witches #baby witch #beginner witch #kitchen witch #witches of tumblr #witchythings #witch aesthetic #wicca #witchlife #sweet witch