#it’s making me nostalgic in the bad way

[clotpolesonly]

thinking about Declan and the moth again

it HAUNTS ME that the moth is one of the few times that Declan seems to lose his self-awareness completely. like, yeah, he's the ultimate king of repression, but he's usually very conscious of what he's repressing and the fact that he's repressing it. he knows his issues.

he knows that he forces down his emotions in an unhealthy way so that he can be the adult in the room at far too young an age. he knows he can't form healthy relationships because of a lifetime of danger and insecurity. he knows he dehumanized his mother as a means to cope with their batshit family situation. he knows he's competing with his father's ghost for a place in Ronan's life. he knows he resents Matthew for being the primary factor in his parentification and loss of opportunity in life. he knows he loves his father no matter how much he tries to convince himself to hate him. he knows he feels trapped in the life he's leading, doesn't see a way out, and likely wouldn't take it if he did because it would be at the expense of his brothers.

all of these things, Declan acknowledges openly, either to himself in narration or out loud to others. he may delude himself about how well he's coping with his issues, but he has no illusions about what his issues ARE.

except for the fucking moth.

it's such a perfect, on-the-nose symbol that it almost strains credulity for Declan not to acknowledge it as such, and yet not once does he ever look at the moth and feel the way he did about the black string art exhibit that made him recognize how trapped he felt in his life. "how the moth had beaten against the walls for those first few days, until it had learned it could not escape."

the learned helplessness of it - there's no point fighting to get free, just lie down and accept that this is your life. know what you're allowed to do, and have, and be. know what you're not. a creature of his father's making, confined by his father's hand.

and not even something as eye-catching as a butterfly, no, but a quieter subtler moth with eyes like glittering purple-black marbles that will never get to live a life because Niall made it so.

and the symbolic parallel of the display case and the townhouse. the rigid real world structures that Declan himself requested, because they made him feel more secure than being surrounded by dreams, and that his father provided in a well-meaning but ultimately short-sighted attempt to accommodate him. things that Declan only recognizes much later as the cages that they were.

Declan now regrets demanding his dad make the display case by hand, and when he puts himself through Ronan's bad-feeling security system at the end of the series, the memory it hits him with is inheriting the sterile alexandria townhouse that was exactly what he'd claimed to want.

these are symbols of Declan's complicity, in a manner of speaking, in the whole tragic mess that was his upbringing. at some point, quite early on, Declan's oppression became a joint effort, something that he participated in (because a complete lack of control in the situation would have felt worse). it reminds me of Declan struggling to remember which of them first decided to lie to Matthew about what he was, whether that was his dad's idea or if he'd done that of his own volition, just following pattern.

did dad trap him, or did he build the walls himself? or was it both?

but, for once, none of this is acknowledged by Declan in the text. this artistically-minded chronic overthinker carries the moth around with him - one of the two dreams he will never sell, alongside the gift from Ronan - and he stays so uncritically sentimental about it that he releases it on his wedding day with happy/nostalgic tears in his eyes, and it just boggles my mind.

this is the man who looked at a bunch of string and had the immediate revelation that he was utterly miserable and trapped in a spiderweb of a life precariously balanced on a knife's edge where one wrong move could get him and everyone he loved killed, but he looks at a direct, uncomplicated, one-to-one representation of himself and somehow does not recognize that it is not something to think of fondly. that, yes, it may be a symbol of his father's love for him, but it's not good.

#this goes hand in hand with Niall's characterization 180 in this book #uncritical thought is REQUIRED in order to maintain the rose-tinted view of him as a good father #Declan cannot look at that damn moth with his usual level of discernment and empathy or the whole arc falls apart #Declan Lynch #Niall Lynch #TRC #TDT #tags by me

[thefanciestborrower]

I think it’s so interesting how we as a community really like exploring this soft, beautifully poetic quality of vore, but only ever seem to do so in writing. I’ve seen so many lovely poems and short stories waxing on in beautiful prose about the beautiful inner workings of the human body and the intimacy and trust that comes with having another person literally inside you, but when it comes to art you almost never see that. Sure art often focuses on those same qualities as well but...they’re never emphasized as beautiful in quite the same way I think. And maybe that’s why my art is so soft and almost like...classical feeling? Because every time I draw I want to capture that poetic beauty in a visual format. Something that, while painting a visual picture, also evokes a very special sense of awe. Even in the silly little scenarios I draw or the spookier pieces I post every once in a while I find myself trying to integrate older styles of poetry and artistry I don’t see much now. And maybe...maybe that’s why my art feels so nostalgic...

Who knows

Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic

#to be clear I’m not saying anyone doesn’t do this or that it’s bad people like drawing in different ways to capture different feelings #I was just musing about how you don’t see many pieces that focus on this very specific feeling of common #yet abstract beauty you see in older artwork #and if my quest to capture that style is what makes my art feel as soft and nostalgic as people have described it before #because I think we focus too much on the OMG TEETH AND STOMACH AND INSTINCTS AAA aspect of vore in a lot of art #which isn’t bad lmao I do that all the time and I don’t plan on stopping #but we focus so much on the intensely...visceral? aspects of vore that we loose something special #safe fatal doesn’t matter #they all are capable of having this quality and idk I just #I wanna see it more #soft vore #safe vore #vore mention #vore thoughts #Cj speaks #don’t mind me just getting philosophical #this post was brought to you by me drawing classic lit vore

[glacierbash]

so far, eureka is some of my favorite content in the entire game. finished up anemos, onto pagos! really looking to get elemental armor, but i've heard you have to complete the relic weapon too (and if not, then. oh well. the RDM one is VERY fucking cool.)

#idk. it makes me nostalgic for watching my dad play 11 way back when #plus getting to join a NM spawn train? that felt fantastic #highly recommend eureka to people the grind is NOT that bad so far (i finished anemos in ~4-5 hours total) and really fun #GRANTED. i can't speak for pagos on since i just started but either way. is a good time.

[notetaeker]

Wow I was so unappreciative of my own accomplishments when I was in college. I'm trying to put together a portfolio and it turns out I wrote 5 whole news articles for the school paper ???

#I thought it was around 2 honestly #and also there was an article abt some event I came up with ?? that I had forgotten abt #nah ppl rlly need to find themselves on the floor to appreciate things they did before #I rlly saw myself as such a failure... I remember crying infront of one of the office counselors when they asked me if- #-i was excited abt graduating and I literally was like I feel like I don't deserve it because I've accomplished nothing #what a horrible way to be feeling #I'm sorry to my old self for living like that. man. 'gifted' kid struggles tbh. it makes u so. ungrateful and also feel miserable abt ursel #for absolutely no reason while everyone is telling you that you're fine and you're doing great #and instead of being comforted by that like a normal person. it starts giving u some bad imposter syndrome and need to live up to expectati #anyway. alhamdulillah that I am not like that anymore. Alhamdulillah Allah gas given me some peace #I often get nostalgic abt those times but it's also good to rmember the bad parts of those times too lol so we don't live in the past #💭.txt

[licca-archive]

art style face evolution i guess

#(1st is from 2020/2021 2nd is from 2022-23) what are the council's thoughts. #ok ill be real there's a certain ''cuteness'' factor in my old art that makes me nostalgic tbqh (perhaps it's the cheeks + eyes) #also yes it wasn't until i put them all together to realize they all face the same way. never was my strongest point. #im not here to diss my old art i just think that it was truly the beginning of me actually developing my style y'know #before that i was in a weird limbo of whether to go cartoony or anime-esque. and my old art kinda indicates that arc. #but there's one thing i will say is that my rendering back then was bad now looking back at it. i used the straw texture to render the hair

[graveyardmouth]

its that time of the night

#and the year. #really makes me feel like summer especially middle school and before #completely isolated from all my friends panic attacks every time the sun went down hiding from my mom trying to block out screaming as #best i could staying up til dawn drinking dr pepper stealing my moms books listening to my dads cds stealing chocolate chips and eventually #wine from the kitchen puking in the bathroom reading the perks of being a wallflower goinf out for bike rides in the early morning walking #to the library and collapsing on the way home cause i hadnt eaten in 2 days walking past the church holding a knife in one hand #biking because i just knew there was somebody waiting to kill me dying my hair three times begging for escape from the monotony making #friends on twitter and discord in bad places getting attention from strangers for my relationship with a razor blade staying up all night #for the quiet because i needed to be alone because i couldnt sleep to feel something besides numbness getting yelled at for keeping my room #messy and crying thinking about people knowing i was eating finding a book that made me happy and knowing that once i finished it id #return to awful numbing boredom nothing could fix god ive typed a lot #sorry im feeling nostalgic about feeling bad and summer has always been one of many low points in the year for me #anyways ✌️ #dw about me im actually in a really good place mentally rn i just. am worried for how long itll last #and quite scared about getting taken off my antidepressants tbh #bug shut up #delete later #Youtube

[deathxproof]

hm, out of all of the things I was expecting when I slowly started putting myself back in fandom spaces, “unresolved trauma from being an autistic kid/teen who was always perceived as Too Much” wasn’t on the list, to be quite honest.

#ooc ! #maybe I’ll unpack this more on my personal blog later. Who’s to say. not me certainly. #but yeah the amount of friendships/relationships I had from like. elementary school to high school(to even some of college) #where like. it’s suddenly revealed to me incredibly late that I’m being seen as overbearing / overwhelming / needing or being Too Much #and by then there is no fixing it yknow. by then they’re just telling you to get you to fuck off (or telling other people and not you lol) #(that happened way more often in online fandom spaces)(but tbh my hang-ups in online fandom spaces) #(come WAY MORE from like. interactions with Very Particular People) #(who self-admitted to like. actively trying to dig up dirt that didn’t exist on people ‘just in case’.)(or if they just didn’t like someone #(they aren’t around here anymore but nevertheless the few times we interacted and they tried that w me made me paranoid for ages </3333) #ANYWAYS if you read this far: hiiiiiiiii #i’m doing fine but oh god the weird nostalgic loneliness of being That Kid really hit me all at once #I’m still so bad at making friends now because of all of this naksdak #like I have to put effort into keeping up with people or else I’ll accidentally hold myself back / kind of isolate #under the assumption of like ‘oh you don’t want to scare this person away do you? you don’t want to be overbearing right?’ #and it’s like. hey. hey brain. hey bitch. we gotta talk to people to actually form relationships with them. that’s how this works. #vent #anyways I gotta go build a closet now ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ...

[ra-vio]

Sam doodle

#eastward #sam eastward #i am not making it to my laptop so you’re getting it this way sorry #the music in this game makes me really nostalgic it makes me wanna cry #how are you nostalgic fot someone you just met #id have more coherent thoughts but I finished this game a few weeks ago and was seething while i was playing it 😔 #not because the game was bad #i just happened to be playing it while going through a very bad time emotionally. it was really good i didn’t want it to end #it could have gone on forever and id just have to keep on playing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ going eastward ->

[robinsnest2111]

winx club number 1 comfort media to me when I was a weird preteen and was ugly and was acting strange and all my peers hated me and bullied me and shunned me and my friends dropped me because of signs of mental illness and no one knew how to handle me, least of all myself ✌

#feeling very nostalgic tonight. but the weird inbetween kind that makes me fucking sad but also makes me feel like a little kid #idk i feel..... way too young for this adult body..... idk idk idk #feeling 12 again and like i just need a hug because all the bad things from back then are hitting me full force idk idk idk.....

[kriscommitscrimes]

GOD WHY IS THIS GUY SO LOVELY???? howd they get chandelure to translate so well to a plush,, ough,,

#i want to buy him so bad and hold him gently but i need to keep my money for christmas #hopefully hell still be available after christmas #sorry to pokepost on the main #gotta make a pokemon sideblog i really do like pokemon #it just really makes me happy in a nostalgic way even if i don't collect pokemon stuff anymore #robinrambles

[bisexualalienss]

august is the worst month. it’s hot and sticky and hazy and dry. you can’t stop thinking about a past you can never go back to. the days drag out endlessly. there’s bugs and heat and nostalgia etc

#thinking about good omens being like ‘there would never be another summer like this one’ #anyways august always makes me so. nostalgic in bad way #it’s makes everything feel hazy

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads // twitter thread

Into The Labyrinth / Facing The Shadow

2&3 in a middle grade fantasy trilogy about a 12yo girl who discovers she has the ability to enter a magical world in her dreams, and has to save it from darkness

while also dealing with anxiety, bullying, and friendships in the real world

set in Wellington Aotearoa

dreamrealm worldbuilding reflects the MC’s Māori/Chinese/Irish/Scottish heritage

aspec questioning MC

#dreamweavers #aroaessidhe 2023 reads #isa pearl ritchie #into the labyrinth #ok this is definitely on the younger side of MG - or probably just nz mg & ya is overall younger compared to US/UK #it is fun there's some cool ideas! #it does make me nostalgic for certain nz ya/mg fantasies too #the true aroace and also 14yo fear of your friends not liking you as much as each other #or getting bored with you when they get crushes #there's a reasonable subplot about that in book 1&2 which sort of ends on her friends being like. We Will Not Do That also we're not+ #planning on dating or crushes any time soon anyway #and the MC eventually mentions she googled and saw something called the ace spectrum but she doesn't know anyone irl like that #and her friend is like sounds legit also we love you the way you are no matter what - and then it doesn't really come up after that #(which makes sense for 12yos though I think it could have been more narratively concluded) #a bit that made me laugh was when a magic person is talking about bad things that happen in the waking world and she's like: #what; like.........atrocities? #you know. The Atrocities. just in general. sdhjgjhfd #the third one tried to bring in some bigger ideas and I think got a bit lost….. #it almost felt like the core of the characters/narrative was put aside to make the focus We Have To Make Kids Care About Climate Change ! #also ends quite abruptly? #and there were a few things that felt Too silly and took me out of the story. maybe 12yos would find it funny idk #anyway I think overall: not bad! but probably one of those middle grades that is more just for kids not also enjoyable for an adult audienc #(which is fine of course!) #asexual books #nz author

[katya-goncharov]

OH MY GOD GIRL TALK MAGAZINE!!! that was my jam as a kid and then I went onto sugar and shout 😭😭

yesss i was obsessed with girl talk when i was in primary school!! literally number one place for finding out about cbbc shows & disney movies & bad boy bands

#this is making me nostalgic now lol #i'm glad i was in the generation where kids still read trashy magazines with way too many bad free gifts

[noxtivagus]

HFSJFKSJS HERMES FINAL FANTASY 😭😭 i think of him so much it's unreal

#🌙.rambles #[ ffxiv. ] #yk at first i #going through endwalker yes i enjoyed all that a lot n all but #n i liked hermes lots yes ofc but #it wasn't THIS way at first #i need to listen to my reaction then oh man #i shld sleep but i feel a bit bad abt not doing as much as i meant to earlier this day #don't get me wrong i rlly liked hermes already at the start but not to the point of being one of my top favs #so. w rn #definitely was a slow burn #compared too w my other ffxiv favs they became my fave instantly #AGHH LISTENING TO THIS VOICE RECORDING IS MAKING ME SMILE. IH MY GOD SO BITTERSWEET #apollo having random commentaries 😭😭 this is so nostalgic apollo's voice is making me smile #i feel so warm inside remembering all this :<< #i'm a bit confused bcs it's rlly just a voice recording #but yk i rmb when hermes. removed his mask n wow. damn bro #hermes . oh my god #not sure which part of msq this is rn bcs the recording's just called 'hermes' #but me n apollo w hermes yes yk greek mythology stuff. ffxiv. #wind ! no way n then w grimnir too recently am i #characters relating w wind that have a name with mythological roots ( greek n norse respectively )

[dobranocka]

.

#anyway #keeping this in tags because of the obvious reasons that i don't want this to spread etc etc #but i feel so tired and burn out and disillusioned in this fandom #to the point i feel bad about the thing i was very very excited to be working on for myself #and i hate the fact that i feel this way #like usually a fandom has been a crutch to me when i was feeling worse in terms of mental health #and the only time i felt a need this strong to disengage was like... in 2019 when some really bad stuff happened in my life #and i can't look at the things i wrote then without thinking 'oh this is a chronicle of my grief' #which yeah makes me sad but also nostalgic for the messages and support i got from fandom friends back then #whereas now it is like... #it's not only that i feel like i am posting and writing fics for the void #since apparently giving any sort of feedback is not something done anymore #or maybe not in this particular community? #why give comments when you can shoot someone a message 'oh you wrote a thing i am definitely going to read it never' #which is... fine i guess #i can deal with people not liking my writing #me ego is big enough i guess #but this is like... the first time in years that i've been finding talking to people in fandom spaces seriously tedious #like not because i don't enjoy talking about this piece of media! #because i do! #but i feel like somewhere along the way people lost the concept of boundaries and idk #not trying to shove your own fic with a weird kink/pairing/concept down someone else's throat #or hear about someone else work and immediately go 'oh amazing i can write the same thing!' #like... how on earth is that a normal behaviour #(not counting like normal assholery behaviour) #idk #maybe i am being too unkind or too fragile #or i just don't get modern fandom 'etiquette' #since apparently now being mindful of potentially triggering things and not spitting them in someone's face is too high of a bar #but i am just... tired

[wild-battlebond]

speaking of bakugan did you guys know that battle brawlers is one of those shows that (who i'm assuming are) the rights holders just throw up all the episodes onto youtube

#a non-zero amount of 00s shows have done this within the past few years... #it kinda makes me nostalgic for when official sites used to have full episodes uploaded onto them (pokémon still does this) #so i think it's kinda cool... tho it's also another example of the way the internet has centralized onto 5 sites... #anyways... #bakugan #battle brawlers #video #fiftytenpost #i haven't actually watched it yet but ive been meaning to... it's been a bad year for tv (eg i've had trouble finding the time to watch it)