#it sucjs it really does

[madame-mongoose]

I wish mental health services were more easily accessible and certain mental illnesses weren't still demonized in the field

#still pursuing a bpd diagnosis #but a lot of the specialists im seeing online are all like #have you been victimized abused or manipulated by someone with bpd? #and im like :( #ough im not ready to have ANOTHER heavily stigmatized mental illness #but despite that i still do hope i get diagnosed #i think it would explain a lot #and really help me work through my issues #before it gets to that tipping point #it already has come close multiple times just this year alone #i just... idk #i want to be better i want to get better #i dont want to hurt people anymore. i dont want to hurt myself anymore #it sucjs it really does #sorry for vent posting again #i just dont have anywhere else to go #and i dont feel comfortable talking to people about this stuff usually #everyone tells me i can talk to them but.. idk. its hard to do that. so many things can go wrong. i dont like talking about myself #i like for people to have a certain image of me. prefer people not to worry themselves over me #it brings bad feelings and associations sometimes #which if i have bpd can be thhe cause of that i suppose. just makes me feel insecure? ig? guilty? makes me feel like a bad person #when people try to get me to take care of myself. even if its a good thing #idk im just rambling #nobody take this in a bad way or feel discouraged in fact dont pay any mind to this #im just spitballing #will probably delete later #monnie rambles

[everyothernamistaken]

chaos

so like the conclusion of my stupidity, tech week has dawned upon me, it fucking sucks and fuckint hell my father woke up just to yell about random shit why does he do this but anyways so they drafted me to do spotlights, ive nwver done a theater thint and i never will again becaude a decent chunk of the ppl there make me quesrion my sanity but basicly i spendlike 6 hours a day in a box in the celing inhailing probably toxic fumes from rhe light wich burns my hands because it was designed by a idior who must have been blind cause you cant aim it and rhe handles are conected to the several hundred degree loghts so that sucjs, also they never trained me they litterslt sent me up and told me to turn nobs till i know what im doing. Concequently, i might ruin a entire musical! Also chucklenuts mcvehicularmanslaughter was for some unholy reason back which is strange because he moved and got dumped by my ex who i apparently was never going out with, but yeah that was weird but then i demolished those theater kids in music trivia. Then this one girl i kicked in the face like a few months ago kept talking to me, i think i saw her taking pictures of me earlier which is weird but she rambles alot and im not sure how to feel about her maybe its morbid curiosity like she is a small bit nuts(most hyperactiver person ive seen recently) but like entertaining to whitness. Also despite havint no freerime i have to write a amicus curae thing for school and i do NOT want to do that. Also the onlything ive eaten in the past like since tursday (5days) is like peanutbuuter jelly sandwiches beef jerky and cheeze its so im eatin good. Also for like the first time in 10 years i had a caffene becayse my mother doesnt buy coffee with cafeene so like idk i drank tea and then wad hyperactive for like 6 hours and nearly punched a compjter because it was slow i couldnt sit still today but then like ibgot really tired durring being in the box and i rhink the fog macheenes and fumes were getting to be because i nearly passed out.also the box was full of dust when we got it bevause like we were the first to go up there in like a year so we spent 2 houra cleaninf it and my eyes were burning. Also yesterday when i was wating by the door up to the box area, some girl walked by me and in like the most depreced way possible said hi to me which was like reallg wierd because like i think i have pissed off peiple i do not know as opposed to mepissing off people i do know

I dont feel good rn i need a nap nap i need to be snug as a bug i am snug as a bug like on god i am cozy rnbut my hair is wet which is hell, ik some people like sleeping with wet hair but they are also insane so idk

#hell #yapping #professional yapper #They put me in a box again #help #Nap #sandwich #cheezits

[fadedlovemp3]

fucking sucjs every time it gets beat into my thick ass skull that going out and doing things instead of rotting in bed all day does actually really truly make me feel good and glad to be alive like ok fuck alright jesus

[mishkakagehishka]

I thought that other person was bad, but gee looks like even some fellow long-term players don't even know the lore (or just don't care and proceed to spread misinformation around the community).

Before you say anything, yes I know Mika is into horror stuff but do you really think this means he's a killer and sucj? That's like the whole "video games cause violence" argument, just because someone likes horror and gore DOES NOT mean they will go straight out and kill someone! Maybe come back when Mika (or any ES character for that matter) ACTUALLY kills someone to write your clearly self indulgent stuff cause we should really stick to canon in order to avoid spreading misinformation and confusing new fans because we will then get all these types of ooc and freaky fics and fanart because the new fans will come and assume it's can go by reading your stuff and any long-term fans that produce similar content.

(This is enstars-gatekeeper btw. I may make a new sideblog to get rid of people like you in the ES community)

I'm not even gonna entertain you with a proper answer, I just wanted to laugh at you for "or any ES character for that matter" what alternate reality did you drop from?😭 Madara, Kanata, Kohaku, they have all canonically killed people. Kohaku is an assassin, for crying out loud. If you want to count "making someone commit suicide" as murder, you can also shove the student council in that box. You're so funny accusing me of not knowing lore when you believe no ES character has killed😭😭😭

And yeah, it is self-indulgent. What the fuck else do you think the point of fanfiction is. And also i DO stick to canon🥰 There's this thing called "reading between lines" and "assuming from the information given" which allows fanfic writers to take a character and say "Well, nothing points to him not doing/liking/behaving like this, so~" and still write canon-compliant fics by filling in the gaps in a character's characterisation using the knowledge we have already🥰 I'm not using Mika liking gore to explain him being a serial killer. I'm using him canonically treating human life as worthless and his reaction to thinking he killed Ritsu to assume what he'd be like if he were a serial killer. AU stands for "alternate universe", yknow. Like the one you fell out of where the ES cast is filled with saints.

And God I wish people would draw freaky stuff inspired by my fics. Send me links if you find any, I love freaky fanart and fics.

L + ratio + kung pow penis + you don't even know the lore of the game you're trying to gatekeep + you keep returning on the weekends (friendless, much?) + for every ask you send me, I'm writing one more fic about Mika killing people

#no new fan is gonna read fics and think it's canon i think you're just stupid tbh #asks

[imbiggayforjohndeacon]

There’s no greater pain my life then when my dad told me loves me but doesn’t like me he’s told me he’s hated me more time then I can count but yet I sit here crying about a made up idea of me at his funaral saying stupid speech for him about how much he sucjed but was there for me and how he took care of me when I need but mostly I want him to be there for me when I didnt need him I wanted him to want to be around me and hang out with me but I truly wait for the day that’s does some so fixed up that I just get to leave and never talk to him I want to hurt him in the greatest form but he truly won’t be hurt he’ll just thing I’m a dick and move on he doesn’t call anymore and when i do call he really talk I just want him to try i want my dad to like me the thing I do to for him to just notice me he ducking sucks bud I loved him

[caruliaa]

ahhhhhggghh sorry sorry i feel like i was even more offline than usual today bcuz omg i thought we were only visiting one museum but we actually went 4 places and 1 of them was rlly bad and also outside and hot JSBSJSJS so yeah it was a v tiring and busy day and!!!! i rlly even missed u even more ;;;;!! but that said it did make me really really sosososoo happy when i could message or see ur messages and asks and stuff like that did j really put a smile on my face like it always does:’333!! and it’s just sososooo excllent and lovely to be your friend ladybird like it truly is just a joy and you ate such an incredible and warm and safe and true true friend ..!!!!! and then youre also just a really great good loveable amazing skilled person like ahhhshhhh im so lucky to know you and just hope i can make ur life better and j be good to you in any and everyway i can and show u and let you know howww i care abt u smmm mushroom!! and i love you sossooso muchhh (hugs youuuuuuuuyu if u wanna that is;;;;💕❤️💕💕💕💕💕❤️💕💕💕❤️❤️💕💕💕💕💕)

!!! dw mx i undersntad it like u were rly busy nd stuff so i understnad not being as online and stuff like tht but im sorry it wasnt a good time on of the places u went nd tht it was tiring nd stuff yea :( !! nd ough i rly missed you too belvoed i rly have sm when uv been gone but i hope you know tht it rly rly did make me soso happy too whenever we got to message nd getting to send you asks nd getting ur asks it rlyrl y is usch a highlight of my day and just fills me w soso much happpiness nd joy nd im rly rly soso glad and greatful for anyway nd chance tht we get to talk bleoved i rly am :'> !! nd ough im rly rly so so glad tht it is so good 4 you to be my friend nd tht i can be a good friend to you dearest i rly rly am so so so v much bc well u rly rly do deserve it soso much and bc i rly rly do just want to soso much belvoed i rly rly do and i hope you know tht u rly rly are the smae to me too and are just such such such such a good kind caring considerate thoughtfull loving sweet kind caring friend to me and just make me feel so so so warm and loved and cared for and i rly rly am just sosos glad and greatful for tht and for you and i hope you knjow how you rly rly do just mean the world to me and make my life so so much better and warmer and happier and im rly just so so so lucky to know you like u rly rly are just sucj a wonderful perosn and incredible frienmd and i rly rly am just soso glad and greatful for tht belvoed i rly rly am :'> i love oyu soso muchh soso v much *hugs you back so so much sm ifu wish dearest* !!! 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

#IM SO SORRY OFR ANSWERING THIS SO LATE :(( ND IF IS DOENST MAKE SNESE IM JSUT. RLY RLY SO SO TIRED #but ya i love youuuu ilu ilu ilu ilu !!! mwahh !!! #flappy rambles #asks #lucy ! #fave

[saddvamain]

It was my cousins birthday the other day and I know how much she’s going through but she’s so exhausting to be around and I didn’t hang out with her on her birthday bc I didn’t want to and didn’t know it was her birthday and spent a lot of time with her the last time she was in town and I just was like ugh no I can’t and ignored her and now I feel really really bad

#i know im the only one whos like really supportive of her transition and can talk to her about it without being weird or a dick abt it and i #just know i should he there for her like she was when we were kids and i hust igh i feel so bad im sucj a pussy i dont even wanna text her #sad that we’re both mentally ill svshsvsjs she tries so so mych harder than me though likw shs works so hard and does what she feels she nee #ds to do meanwhile im just like lol just gonna quit my job and abandon all my plans yolo #AND I DONT EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO FUCKIN SPEND TIME WITH HER ON HER BIRTHDAY #God i wish her writing was better though im so sick of reading absolutely trahs fantasy shit and i havent even read THAT much of it ive just #heard abt it way too mych #ugh im just honna text her i hope she isnt mad st me and knows how much i love her

[doitformywife]

Midas' story is pretty cool

#i've been super interested in it lately #I mean #Yeah all that sucjed but also #its all really cool #my creations #my art #i guess?? #does this count as art? #who knows

[lorebird]

For There's Something Under Boatem, do you think things from previous seasons could carry over in some form? I may or may not be thinking abt the mycelium resistance again and trying to put it into every au I can think of

Also the Boatem creature spreading a trail of mycelium under it or with patches of fungus on it could look cool

I HAVE NO CLUE WHEN I GOT THIS IM SORRY

BUT ANYWAYS . OH MY GOD. YOUR BRAIN IS MASSIVE AND IM LOSING MY MIND this is so good I'm coming up with a narrative excuse for this asap

If the void itself is an entity, with the beast being just one physical manifestation of it, that leaves me w a ton of open doors (considering how all the stars in the void are other worlds which is 100% true btw I'm commanding as such ❤️). Could anything that's fallen into the void in any world be amassed into the boatem beast??? I don't see why not <3

I wouldn't consider this idea """canon""" to the au, which I'm saying very loosely bc there isn't a strict canon at all -- almost every separate artwork I've done is in its own isolated bubble of ideas that conflict w other artworks. Like the whole Watcher Remembering idea vs that comic where mumbo comments on the beast having tons of eyes. All this to say I'm using this as an excuse to throw in whatever the hell I want from any previous season and possibly other series as well........... this au is pure self indulgence I have no shame! Also I think it'd be Very Fun to call this sorta sub-au "there's mushrooms under boatem" /hj

Ideas under a cut bc oh no this is getting long

OFHRJGDJGJKDG OK SO . I FUCKING LOVE FUNGI SO DAMN MUCH THEYRE SUCJ COOL IMAGERY SO I AM LOSING MY MIND . And now I'm having some Thoughts about the mycelium resistance n how I can thematically tie it into the void bc...... idk themes my beloved I guess<3 also it's like 11 pm here so don't expect coherence I'm so sorry

I wasn't really Online and active in the hc fandom during the mycelium resistance plot, so I don't know if there's a popular consensus on headcanons there -- this'll all be following my own takes (unless other people wanna add in!! I'd love to hear if you have any other ideas anon bc I am !!!!!!!)

The things I feel the mycelium and my Void Lore have in common are 1) being the original state of something, whether the shopping district or existence itself 2) a penchant for spreading and subsuming 3) a massive, but less tangible, body (hyphae, the void under the world) and a much more noticable + physical offshoot (mushrooms, the boatem beast). Idk if anyone broke through bedrock in the shopping district? But if the void was somehow introduced there, that could kick things off. It wouldn’t be able to form a physical body of its own like the boatem beast, not without the egg to jumpstart things, but could maybe corrupt the mycelium to propagate bc uhhhh. Idk void mushrooms are cool dw about logic. Personally I love the idea of the mycelium resistance being a little bit mind controlled and this can contribute to it <3 call of the void but it just tells you to grow mushrooms

I think it’s a neat concept just as is!! The 2 forces are both trying to bring the shopping district to its “original” state, but both have wildly different perspectives of what things were originally like. When the mycelium is finally wiped out, the void loses its hold on both on the resistance and in a more physical sense. I’d have to go rewatch the turf war to come up w ideas of what the void actually Does up on the island — one of the shops had end crystals + their Beams, right?? Maybe smth with that?? Idk, there’s not quite as much Weird Stuff for me to work off of as there was in s8. My worldbuilding with void + the end is incredibly loose and vague anyways which doesn’t help /lh but anyways. That all is my excuse to throw some mycelium resistance flavoring into the something under boatem au

As for how the beast is shaped by this . Oh My God fuck yes mycelium trail oh my GOD...... imagine if plants around boatem were dying mysteriously, which turned out to be a fungal infection. Poor mr peace love and plants 💔 omg and the return of Void Fungus Team Up would give the boatem beast an even more powerful Physical Foothold bc it could get into the earth itself!!! Holy shit imagine the boatem hole slowly overrun by mysterious mushrooms that shimmer like the void AHHHH it’s getting late and I need to sleep before a long ass car ride tomorrow so. Leaving it there for now but. God I am Rotating

#there’s something under boatem #rambles #god I can’t believe ppl are like. Actually Interested I’m the au #makes me endlessly happy #I DO have an excuse to incorporate 3l/ll if I come up w ideas for what to do with it................ #I imagine that the worlds were temporary and a little unstable #after everyone dies they finally fall apart #and everything’s dispersed into the void #so. there’s my excuse <3 #haven’t thought of anything for that yet but I am so very self indulgent and leaving the opportunity there

[eternalscribbles]

(I jave done 2 prompts, botj of tje same story! I really wanna make tjis story a tjing, I like it a lot, but tjere are too many jurdles unfortunately, wjicj is annoying. Won't stop me from writing it till I give up on tje idea tji! Enjoy! Tjis is kinda far in said story. Prompts botj from @writing-is-ruining-my-life! I wonder wjat people could get from tjis, wjat tjey would tjink tje cjaracters are like and sucj witj a fuller picture... Oj well, if anyone reads tjis, I jope you enjoy!)

__________

"Highly, please!"

Hivemind's pleading eyes stare into the white sclera of her friend's. In her hand, she was shakily clutching a butcher's knife. "We can just... talk! I'm sure they can be reasoned with!" Her free hand waves about with her words, as if trying to cast a spell of understanding on Highly. But it fails, as they look forward with a frustrated glare. "They cannot. We have tried, you have seen and even done, our efforts are found wasted on that dangerous thing."

"They're not a 'thing'!" She snaps, her rise of anger quickly retreating. "Please, we could come to a peaceful conclusion together!"

"No, we cannot." Their voices gains volume, starting to echo. "You saw what happened to Unorthodox. Beaten and sickeningly snapped as we turned on our heels and ran like chickens. He cannot even walk anymore, bedridden, he is. He has not gotten better in days- for all we know, he could be dying! And to even try to befriend what could very well have caused his demise is but utter stupidity, and an insult. Not to mention how likely it is to spell out demise as well! We are to put it down while it is weak. It is our best chance of surviving." Hivemind shakes her head.

"There's good in everyone! There's good in them! And even if you don't believe me, I'm not gonna just hand over the cleaver for you to do the job either! I am going to talk to her, we are going to solve this all out, and Unorthodox is going to be okay!" She yells, her voice straining at the last bit. Her hand tightens it's grip on the handle. Her demeanor speaks her resolve as she begins to move past Highly to the door in which they were chained in. They grab her by the wrists and pull her back, only managing to push her a few inches away from the door before she starts to fight back and push towards the door. "Why does it even matter if I fail or not! She's chained up, I'll be fine!"

"But you do not know that, she could be faking it until we have our guards down!"

And there begun their screaming match for why they should or shouldn't kill her.

What was only minutes felt like hours, the two in a constant stalemate as they were matching in power. But not for long. Highly spreads out her wings, white with the tips tainted in black, looking as if paint was thrown on it, and flapped in Hivemind's face. She closes her eyes and her grip slightly weakens, her ticklish nature not coming in handy as she slightly giggles with the ebony tips brushing against her. Highly took this chance to take Hivemind by her lavender scarf, spinning and launching her into the wall. A loud thud, followed by a crack (fortunately from the wall), followed the pained yelp that came. The butcher's knife now laid on the floor, having slipped out of her grasp. Highly wasted no time collecting it, literally looking down on her. Her wings were spread out, highlighted by the lightbulb above. "No- wait! Please! Highly please!"

"You cannot do what needs to be done. You are weak." Eyes clouded with thought and no doubt a slither of hesitation, her head turns back to the door. With a quick glance to Hivemind, she mouths an apology. One she knows will never be enough for shattering her merciful world, and soon her friend from long ago even if they were long gone long ago. Despite everything, she does not falter in her steps, each one filled with confidence and resolve. Behind her, she hears the pleas and cries of ever so desperate friend, all tuned out into mere muffles. The door opens with a creaks, the tiny box if light shining onto the one the room help captive. And by their stare of utter fear, the two were too loud and they heard. But it mattered not. The door shut with a slam, and a scream if horror rang through the small space. Outside, Hivemind's eyes widen as tears pool but do not fall. In her minds, there's a moment of silence and mourning for her lost companion all over the multiverse. Too bad she already lost them long ago.

________

________

"Wjy did you do it?"

"I got tired of letting my friends die."

Highly's eyes were stuck on the ground, a frown etched across her face. And beside, sitting in the rock 'bench', an all to curious Scribbles. "I did not have a choice. If they got out, it would have spelt our doom. But she did not understand that, she wanted to talk to them."

"And I tjink we all remember jow tjat went." Her eyes look away.

"Yes... Badly." They take a deep breath, it comes out as a sigh. "You should have seen her face. I saw it. When I walked out of that room. She was horrified, a sobbing mess."

"Not like tjeir scream was tje quietist tjing tje world tjougj."

"Yea... She will not even look at me now, though. I want to talk to her about what happened. I want to apologise. But I do not know how when I am treated like the plague! I... do not think there is any coming back from this. She always believed we could go through everything without fighting- without hurting people- but that is not how the world works! Everybody gets hurt, even if the intent was to save! We could not have done anything for her friend. She was already too hurt to fix."

"...You say tjat, but are ya sure?" Highly's head swiftly snaps to Scribbles. "Wh- yes I am sure! We have dealt with every other adversary with kindness and mercy, but we tried kindness and mercy here, and that got Unorthodox on his death bed! We cannot talk our way out of everything, and we certainly could not talk our way out of that!"

"I'm not sayin' tjat talking is our go-to ticket or anytjin', I'm sayin' tjat I don't tjink tjey was beyond jelp."

"So what, I have just murdered someone for no reason? That I have stained my hands with blood that could have been civil!?" They stood up.

"No- wjat I mean is- agj, I can't explain it! Just- listen to me, Highly." Turning to look Highly in the eyes as much as one can when the other person doesn't have eyes (or at the very least pupils), she also stands. "Nobody is beyond jelp. Wjat's done jas been done, but now we look to tje future and don't repeat tje past. Hivemind is very upset, but tjat doesn't mean you two can't resolve tjis. Jowever, Hivemind doesn't jave to forgive you and you can't force jer or anytjing. Like jow tjougj you could do tjis again, you aren't required to. But just remember tjis for next time, maybe: nobody is beyond jelp. Now I may not be good at giving advice, in fact I'm awful at it! But I just jope tjere's sometjing in my words tjat'll jelp you or sometjing. And no, I wasn't implying you killed for notjing, but tjat tjere was anotjer way we could've at least tried." She sighs. She knew she wasn't a very good advice giver, but she had to try, right? A pit forms in her stomach, but she doesn't know why. And she'd rather not know. She lightly shakes her head in an attempt to make sure Highly doesn't notice, before resuming. "I jope you and Hivemind work it out, but remember tjat sje is not obligated to forgive you. Especially since ya kinda murdered jer old best bud." Highly just stares at Scribbles in thought. "Well, I gotta go now. Cya later, Highly!" Scribbles turns and begins to walk, leaving Highly alone with their thoughts. One awful thought kept bashing at her skull though. 'You are a murder, and you did it for nothing. Hivemind will never forgive you.' And they don't move, they know it's true. Hivemind will never forgive them, they will never have the bond they had before.

They were kinda glad Scribbles left, they needed some alone time anyway.

(Altogetjer, tjat makes 1375 words!)

#oc #practice #scribbles'stories

[alone-in-the-car]

I think im gonna break up with my boyfriend. Part of me doesnt want to. We have sucj good times when things are good but im not happy and exh time i get not happy it gets harder and harder to come back from. I dont know it is the virus and the staying at home all the time, not having a job, and my over thinking and analyzing brain but im sp unhappy. I dont even have any more tears left to cry. Im so cried out. Ive been slhere for three and half hours slone. He hasnt asked at all the rntire day whats wrong, though i think he may know, or wanted to talk about it. He just wants to gloss over everything. It what he does. Theres a problem? An issue? Some sort of conflict? He not big enough if a person to confront it unless i push it. Then i feel like the asshole for doing it.

As it is my god given talent i blame myself. I can always blame myself for everything. I have expected too much. This is what i grt for dating someone so much younger than me. I feel like one of those girls on 90 day fiance. Age gap is stuff. I knew though. Its not like i didnt. I knew going in he would be immature and have a lot to learn and change. I was willing ti wait and stixk through it. But i dont know if i can anymore. I just think of last year at this time i was so so much happy. Like i was genuinely happy with myself. For the first time jn my life and i thought i was stepping foot onto a nee dock but no it was water and i am drowning.

Takinh all or most if my stuff is gonna be hard but ill do what i can. Ill sacrifice what i have to. Somethings i know im honna have to part with.

I dont know if i should even try. To talk to him or what. Like no i shouldnt. Its always me. Always.

I have nothing left. I am nothing. I am a farce. A fake. A pretend. I am beneath this world.

He can say i love you so easily and so quickly. Like it nothing. But he doesnt really mean it. He says he doesnt gey angry or complain. Which sounds nice but really its not. I have to constantly second guess if im being a bother if i said or did a wrong thing. In the begining he was so tenative and seeet but that fell and changed.

He never conpromises or is wrong. He chooses to change or alter the event or he doesnt remember. So it doesnt count. It doesnt mean anything. He doesnt try harder than he needs to. Which may seem great be its not. He doesnt put in the effort.

I came to terms with being alone for ever and then i tested on that. I failed. I ran the first chance that i got. Like an idiot.

I wanna be happy but i dont ever want to be happy again.