#it makes sense but i kinda wish it didnt lol. as if autism and adhd wasnt enough. bipolar too??? really????

[orcelito]

So I was chatting with my fellow very mentally ill queer coworker friend about mental illness (as we do) and I mentioned how I was realizing that my wildly manic depressive response to grief wasn't... normal...

& they were like 'oh my god Yeah I've been suspecting you're bipolar for a While now' bc apparently I get in... modes... where my pupils are Huge and I'm talking a mile a minute and doing 4 things at once and even my Posture is different

And then I'll come in the next day like all the life's been sucked out of me.

& she mentioned there's type 1 and type 2, 1 being the longterm episodes & 2 being them alternating on a day to day basis. And I'm just like... damng... I sure do seem to have that 2 thing...

Apparently it's not normal to alternate between manic and depressive states! Who knew!

#speculation nation #ive like... always had this sorta thing. fatally hyperactive is how ive thought of it #those moods where im bouncing off the wall and super cheerful but DEFINITELY in a concerning mental state #apparently it's not exactly normal to be having a breakdown but laughing as you do it #no wonder no depression meds have worked for me. bc im not Just Depressed. #ive known for a while now that i dont have normal depression. i just dont. but sometimes im depressed #and then sometimes i write 70k words in 3 weeks!!!!!!!! #it makes sense but i kinda wish it didnt lol. as if autism and adhd wasnt enough. bipolar too??? really???? #im gonna do some research & see if it's smth worth looking into treatment for #mayhaps i could mention it whenever i set up my psychiatry appointment :p #i dont wanna b bipolar 😭 but then again identifying it will probably help with managing it #damng all i needed to figure out my manic depression wasnt normal was losing my uncle & the symptoms getting Much Worse #me wildly oscillating between too depressed to write and too manic to write (bc even though i was motivated i didnt have clarity of mind) #longest... sigh... imaginable... i have so many mental and physical problems and i have No idea where to start with them #...adhd first probably. if i can tackle my abysmal executive dysfunction then maybe the rest will be easier to address lol #negative/ #I Guess.

[uiruu]

okay one more thing about food

i think my biggest anxiety about food doesnt come from taste or ingredients or anything like that, it has to do with texture. i just get really irrationally grossed out by the texture of some food. i just cant do it sometimes, idk what to do about that.... i dont have a real reason for it, i just... idk. is this an adhd/autism thing? thinking about trying new foods and having all sorts of unfamiliar textures and stuff in my mouth makes me literally feel like im gonna vomit. ive never even really had soup, because the texture of the liquids just seems too... ugh idk, im trying to talk about this right now but my brain is just going “stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this, stop thinking about this”

ios;ldknjfsiekgf i just wish food was a non-issue in my life. i wish i had a repertoire of like 40 foods or however many most people regularly have, and so trying new things was easier because most of the time the new foods would have ingredients and things in common with the foods i already know, but like, as things are now, fuckin goddamn everything is uncomfortable for me except for cheese and like... hamburger. and only well done. and no toppings, just cheese and burger. im the worst. i just wish i didnt obsess about this. i wish thinking about the texture of a food that im mostly unfamiliar with didnt make my skin crawl. im not even talking about particularly gross foods here, im talking about a lot of stuff that most people have no problem at all with. sigh. 

is this an adhd/autism thing though? i feel like it might be, ive heard of things like this with autism. idk if im autistic or not, i dont thiiiink i am, tho idk... the traits relating to socializing and stuff dont really ring true for me, but a lot of the other ones do, which i guess is kinda just what adhd is, lol. but yeah i just... i like what im familiar with, and anything unfamiliar i perceive as being like “not for me”. like not just that it’s not made for me, but that it’s something not available to me. something other people talk about but i dont partake in. not that i cant or that i wont... but that i just... dont. by default i just dont. that goes for all sorts of things in my life. i cling to whats familiar to me. that obviously does expand over time, but you know, i dont tend to seek that out. the only things im adventurous with are media, i like seeking out new media like songs and shows and videos and stuff all the time, but at the same time i do often watch and rewatch the stuff im familiar with. 

anyway, im rambling. i just have a lot of anxiety about food. taste is such a visceral sense, and feeling things inside my mouth and with my tongue is very different than feeling things with my hands (though there is also a lot of stuff im extremely squeamish about touching, now that i think about it...........), and i just... idk... i just push it out of my mind and sjdkfmslkfmsg ugh

#i guess taste is a big part of it too but #if that was my only concern then i would like a lot more food than i do #this is probably one of the reasons i dont really have a lot of interest in travel like most people do #the first thing i think about... without question... is what i'll do about food when i get somewhere #luckily my foods are pretty common but theyre also just like... embarrassing. im extremely embarrassed about this #if you relate to any of this feel free to share your experience if you want to... #but if you dont then idk im sorry but i dont really wanna talk about it more right now jsdkmfsdkjlgmsdg #its uncomfortable and really embarrassing #i used to think it was just that i wasnt raised right and i just hadnt been exposed to stuff and i was embarrassed for being sheltered #but thats not really the case i mean my dad looooves food and makes all sorts of stuff for himself #but that shame has carried over to now even though now i think its something that's tied to my brain being the way it is #i know its irrational but i both think of it as something relating to my sensory issues with adhd/autism AND as something to be ashamed of #like im a grown up little kid who people will laugh at for only eating frozen pizza and mac and cheese #and some fruits sometimes #idk i probably have like 10 or 15 foods if i really sat down and counted but thats still not many and they have a lot in common #so my palette is still... small. i beat myself up for being a loser about that... but also i think its something more tied to other problems #its contradictory but thats how it is i guess #dont reblog #please #tw food #cw food #food mention #do i have an eating disorder? hmmmmm i dont think so #i think the cause is much larger than that. when i eat my foods i eat a lot of them... it has more to do with senses than with eating #i think #i mean i guess that makes my eating disordered in the sense that it is disfunctional and not normal/orderly lmao but #you know what i mean by eating disorder #long post