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deceasedream69 · 1 year

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Bomb

This imagine takes place in 7x3

sumary: you're working on what appears to be a really mysterious case with your coworkers, until thing get complicated.

W: mentions of bombs and mental illness

_______________________________________________________-

-"What I'm saying is that it's possible that our unsub has what it's called "Capgras syndrome", Reid started to explain as we were investigating the unsub's childhood home.

-"What's that?", JJ walked towards Spence, Morgan and me next to him already.

-"It's basically an ilusion made by your eyes. You think everyone you know or love is not actually who you see. You get this "imposter" syndrome, where the rest of your senses are able to recognize your friends or family but your eyes trick you into thinking right the opposite. Now mix thinking everyone you love around you is an imposter with military training and you get... well, our unsub"

-"If this is true how should we proceed?", Morgan asked.

-"Is there a cure?", I looked at Spencer, maybe there was a way to save him after all.

-"there are treatments but not really a cure"

-"but what caused our unsub to get the syndrome"

-"it's cause by mayor brain damage like a tumor or...

"the car accident he had on friday", Spencer and I said it at the same time.

-"that'll explain why he's so calmed and focused, he's normal until he sees an "imposter", Morgan explained and Spencer nodded.

-"And he's looking for the last hope he has, his wife and daughter"

We went back to the BAU, informed by Rossi that our unsub kidnapped someone else we were thinking about options to get close to him.

-"I can't believe you can have someone you love so much in front of you and just...", I made a mimick of my head exploding. "it must be tiring and... so sad, you never really get to spend time with someone that you know"

I closed my eyes.

-"what are you doing?"

-"well I can recognize your voice..." I lifted my hands and started to softly touch his face. "You said you could recognize someone with the rest of your senses, like the touch", I smiled. "I can tell you're Spence"

-"you could just hear my voice, no need to get all touchy"

-"well your voice doesn't really allow me to see or... at least feel, your pretty face"

-"all set, let's call our unsub", Rossi intervened, but I could still see Spencer's red cheeks.

After the phone call we were all on edge, apparently they managed to find the victim our unsub was holding hostage but our unsub wasn't there, just a radio he used to trick is into thinking he was still there. But our worried grew even bigger when Penelope appeared.

- "a dead police officer inside Quantico was found"

- "inside?", Maybe I didn't listen properly, I hoped that was it but Penelope only nodded.

We were screwed.

The whole team entered in kinda panic mode, although no one would admit it. We had to get the unsub's wife and daughter Ina safe place inside the building. Rossi, JJ and Spencer were still in the desk area but Hotch sent me to grab some things from his office.

Rossi pressed the call option again, hoping to hear the unsub's phone ringing to at least have an idea about his location.

- "Luke?", Rossi asked.

- "now I want you to listen to me very carefully, we both know we don't want to make such a mess"

- "what do you mean by that?"

He pushed me out of the office, his hand grabbing my neck to guide me, and the bomb strapped to my shoulders falling onto my chest. I lifted my hands to show our team I wasn't armed, he hid himself behind me, holding a little remote on the other hand.

Morgan and JJ instantly got their guns out.

- "no!" Reid yelled at them, Rossi analyzing the whole situation, I decided to just stay silent, looking at the floor.

- "Now, no more tricks, or your agent here, along with us, is gone. Where is my wife and daughter?"

- "Luke?", A woman's voice sounded through a microphone.

- "sweetie? Is that you? Are you ok?"

- "yes, we're fine and safe, would you please let this innocent people go?"

- "go? After what they're doing to you?"

- "daddy, please, I want to go home", a little girls voice sounded this time, she sounded scared, and so was I. Lifting my gaze slightly to at least look at my team one last time, he tighten his grip on my neck, making me look back down.

- "please let them go, honey"

- "we can reunite you again with your wife and daughter", Spencer intervened. The team looking at him. "But you have to keep your eyes closed"

- "what?" He said grabbing my neck tighter.

- "ok... You- you have this syndrome, called the capgras syndrome, your eyes, basically, are playing tricks on you, making you feel like everyone around you is an imposter, but you just have to close your eyes"

- "please, darling, close your eyes and I'll come out"

- "please, daddy, close your eyes"

I couldn't hold the pain in my neck anymore, biting my lip to suppress any kind of whine or sound that could escape.

- "but you need to let our agent go", Rossi tried to get closer to us, but he pulled be back. After a few seconds, hesitating, he let me go. A couple of professional guys wearing suits grabbed me and took the bomb off me. I felt so relieved.

The unsub closed his eyes and was handcuffed, the wife entered the room, warning him to not open his eyes.

I fell to the nearest chair, my breathing uneven and my shoulder hurting as fuck.

- "hey, are you okay?", He kneeled before me.

I shook my head and let the tears flow as I rested my head on his shoulder, his hand stroking my back slowly.

I could hear the commotion at the background but I decided not to pay attention to it, I'll catch on it later.

Spencer and I stood there for a moment. Morgan tried to approach to ask me how I was feeling but Spencer shook his head so he decided to give us space.

- "how are you feeling?", He said stroking my head now.

I sniffed.

- "I was... Scared"

- "honestly", he voice was really soft, like he was whispering, "I was scared to, scared to not see your pretty face anymore either, not even being able to feel it", he said running a few fingers over my cheek. I smiled and closed my eyes , trying to steady my breathing.

- "it's all over, let's go home and get you some sleep", he said helping me up.

The end :)

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obaewankenope · 3 years

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Okay so, I have ADHD. I'm 18 and was diagnosed 2 months ago? Maybe one? I don't remember. Anyways, I'm constantly thinking about and bouncing between the "hey it's okay you can't do this, it's not your fault, you just need some extra help and you can do it!!!" and "you're so stupid, just try harder, if you cared enough you'd be able to do it. why are you asking for special treatment and being a burden?" lines of thinking.

And that, especially lately, has led me to hyperfixating on the fear that, hey, maybe even when I do start medication and have finally figured out how to manage this with my therapist... what if I still can't do it?

This is especially difficult when it comes to art. I'm an aspiring artist & illustrator, and the struggle to do something that I love so much is so incredibly frustrating.

And it makes me worry that, even when I am finally medicated and have what I need, and even now when I'm REALLY struggling... maybe the problem is me and not the clearly albeist system I'm forced to work in.

Maybe I don't love it enough. Maybe I'm not as passionate and dedicated and driven to succeed with my art as I think I am. And it is so unbelievably soul crushing to think that because, that's it for me, that's all I can think to do with my life. I don't really have anything else, which I know sounds dramatic but, yeah. And the idea that I might not care for it enough, or that simply caring for it isn't enough, is really messing with me.

Uh so I'm not really sure what I'm asking aside from, WHAT DO I DO? How do I manage this? How do you deal with the imposter syndrome? Help????

Okay so, there's a LOT to unpack here, bean, and we're gonna do it now at 2:39am because why the fuck not, right?

You're 18 which means your brain is still developing. That means you have to deal with the chaotic brain chemistry that comes with growing on top of the chaos of adhd. That sucks.

The whole swings and roundabouts thinking on your ability is, sadly, very common. Too common to be as normalised as it is tbh. The first thought process is the Good One. That's the one that is Accurate To You And Your Needs. The second thought process is the Society Mindset Of Judgement.

I call thoughts like that "brain weasels" - a concept my friend Lily mentioned one day in chat and I just instantly accepted it as reality.

All those bad thoughts, all those moments of "you're a failure" are given a Name in my mind. That is Brian. Brain Weasel Brian. My mother calls them Brain Weasel Paddy.

I heartily advocate that sort of thing. Adopting this method of Attributing A Name to the thoughts that Don't Help You, is a good method of teaching your brain to separate the bad thoughts and the good ones that help.

Sometimes it doesn't work. In my depressive episodes, it doesn't work great if at all. But that happens. Sometimes nothing helps then. Sometimes existing is about as much as I can manage. It's Sucky but it's not permanent.

Rarely, is anything truly permanent. We just tend to think they are.

Next, hyper fixating on fear.

Again, pretty damned normal if also very sucky. Our brains, no matter whether we're neurodiverse or not, are Very Good at remembering the bad and giving up lots of Risk Lists to consider. This mechanism helps us as a species in the wild, of course, but in the world we live in now... well, it's not the best mechanism out there.

We can't stop it, though. It's part of our evolution as humans. We can figure out tricks to help manage it. See, the biggest problem we have with fear and anxiety is we try to push it down and away or we obsess over it. Those are the worst options.

Anxiety and fear have to be imagined to be like smoke. Its there in the air. Its part of it when a fire happens and we need fires for warmth. So anxiety and fear is natural. It's healthy to have both but not so much that we can't function. The mechanism is messing up if we can't function.

Anyway.

Have you ever tried to capture smoke in your hands? It's not possible. You can't cup your hands like you would with water, can't grip it like you would a solid. No. Because smoke is a gas and it moves and shifts and fills up any space it can.

Anxiety and fear are like smoke. They're part of everything and exists because of Reasons and they can be a good thing but can also be a bad thing too.

It can also become too familiar for us sometimes. Like a smoker who lights up and savours the smell of a burning cigarette.

We cling to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. It's human nature. But just because we cling to what we know doesn't mean we can't be brave and let it go. That's human nature too.

We're a species of messy contradictions, after all.

Medication helps the brain chemistry and assists that fear and anxiety mechanism. It's not a cure, contrary to belief, but it will help. Therapy helps you work through things and medication helps settle your brain which will help you further.

Does that mean it's going to fix you? No, because you're not broken. You're different but not broken.

With your art and illustration and your desire to become an illustrator, I can wholly understand the frustration you feel.

But I wonder, does that frustration stem from fear of failure or from feeling so many emotions and not being able to figure out their source?

If its the former, then that's understandable. We all fear failure. But sometimes, it's not failure we actually fear. What we really fear is success. Because we don't know what to do if we succeed. That's a long term thing.

Failure can be immediate and short term. It's something we can think about in the immediate future because our brains are able to follow the tangent of time enough for that.

But success. Success means long term considerations. It means thinking about what comes after. It means considering potential promotions, opportunities, work pieces, connections and so on. It means thinking of those things beyond the short term where our brain's are most comfortable.

ADHD brains are not really built for long term planning. We're good planners for short term things. Good problem solvers. But rarely is it a long term sort of solution we come up with.

Not because we can't, but because we get so mirred in the details, in the What Ifs and the Possibilities that we lose our focus on the Whole Picture. We lose the tangent.

I don't necessarily think you're not passionate enough. Hardly anyone who draws lacks passion. They may lack technique, but passion... That's something any artist needs in my opinion. Even just a spark.

But being able to use that passion, to convey it, now that's the challenge. That's Hard.

Sometimes it's next to impossible.

The thing is, ADHD and Autism make you feel things Deeply and Chaotically. This makes you struggle to process those feelings.

Being a young adult with Expectations and Responsibilities on top of sucky brain growth chemistry just makes that struggle worse.

You may not be able to channel your passion into your art currently, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Think of your passion like a tube that's got a blockage in it. The pressure inside is immense but you've got nothing on hand to remove the blockage. It'll take time to develop the tools, to find them, to help. Or. It might have to remove itself.

This doesn't make you lacking in passion. It just makes you temporarily injured in the passion department. We don't blame someone for a sprained ankle resting. Don't blame yourself for taking time off because of this.

Imposter syndrome is... Hard. So, so hard.

I don't have an answer for you about how to handle it. I do a pretty poor job of it myself. I fake confidence, am awful at accepting praise, and constantly feel inadequate. I just hide it really well.

But that's emotion. That's fear and doubt and anxiety. That's societal expectations stoking the emotional disturbance of imposter syndrome.

Logic tells me different.

But logic is hard to believe. Especially when the emotions are very Loud and Distracting.

Sometimes you have to call those doubts and fears for what they are: Brain Weasels.

Sometimes you have to think of it all like it's smoke.

Sometimes you have to sit down and meditate, crossing a mental bridge between reason and emotion to deliver a message to both sides.

We are individuals who pick out pebbles from the river and admire them. Sometimes we keep them. Sometimes we put them back. Most times, we move on. Those pebbles are difficulties, challenges, doubts.

ADHD tends to try and keep the pebbles. Imposter syndrome uses them as building blocks.

Sometimes you have to dig out the foundations and toss those pebbles back before you can start to work on fixing up the rest.

This has become very rambly now, I'm sorry. Its 3:24am and I need to sleep. I do hope this helps in some way, though. If not for you, then for others.

#Kat replies #ADHD #Neurodiversity #Neurodiverse #Autism #Mental health #Disability

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bi-galacticgargleblaster · 3 years

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Every interaction I have with the mh service instantly cures me of imposter syndrome

If people can say with absolutely no shame "well I didn't actually write anything down from that appointment and my old notes are on my work laptop, which I didn't bring to the office with me" then pretty much anything I do is valid

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thisadhdlife · 3 years

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Gold In The Valley, by MitiS: A Lyrical Breakdown of how this song makes me fee. (Because why TF not?)

So, let’s start with the obvious question first: Why? Why Am I doing this? Because the song makes me tear up and cry every time I hear it. I’ve heard if on/off for 3 days now, almost. So, I’d like to analyze my feelings through writing about it.

Why post a lyrical analysis on this blog? Because it’s my blog. Duh. I’ll post whatever I want, especially if I feel it relates to ADHD and/or the experience (emotional or otherwise) around it in some way/shape/form.

*~*~*

Oh you never know Who you're talking to What things they've been through So just please be kind It was hard to say It's sunshine or rain When somebody's smile Could be hiding pain

This hits hard. Reminds me of that quote from Plato, “Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle“. For 30+ years of my life, I wasn’t even aware that I was in a constant battle with my ADHD. It’s only now, that the battle is over, and the war has been WON that I realize just how much suffering, just how much pain, and anguish I’d been enduring without even realizing it. Now you might ask, “how can you win against ADHD?” ~ But the fact that I know it’s ADHD, the fact that I can get help, the fact that I can access and use medication. That’s WINNING. You can’t tackle a problem/issue that you don’t know is there, right? So, yeah. I for sure consider the battle won.

But it's hard to pretend Forever and keep it inside And we're all in this world together And no one should hide

I always felt alienated. Like I was stupider than everyone else. Like I was somehow less-than, you know? It hit me like a ton of bricks the first time I took my medication... just how easy being human is for everyone else. I know, sounds strange when I put it like that. But it’s true. I always felt like an alien inside my own skin. I guess that’s what ADHD Alien talks about and depicts in their work... thing is, until I took my medication, I just DIDN’T KNOW how different everyone else’s experience of the world truly is. I mean, if it’s THIS EASY for you to put down your phone and focus on your work, to focus on boring things that don’t interest you... OF COURSE you’ll think that anyone else who can’t do it with the same ease is just lazy. It’s not OK, but, at the same time... I finally understood the perspective of all the people in my life who had been trying to get me to do better, to somehow “motivate” me in all the wrong ways. They were doing the best in the way they knew how, and it’s not their fault. Taking the medication, I think, more than anything allowed me to empathize with others on a level I’d never been able to before and it allowed me to forgive everyone in one instant. They tried their best to get me to do stuff, to get my life together. It’s not their fault they didn’t know... so, forgive them. Educate them, maybe if they’re open to it. And move forward boldly and without fear.

Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Keep it inside

Keep it inside Keep it inside

Keep it inside

For most of my life, I’ve either been made to feel stupid, or I felt stupid myself. It didn’t matter that I somehow got through college and got a degree. Or somehow managed to finish an MA in Psychology. I always felt stupid. Always felt like I just got lucky somehow. I believe the term for it is “imposter syndrome”. And for the longest time, I felt like anything and everything I was able to do in my life was because I got lucky. Because SO MANY TIMES in my life... anything I touch, turns to ash. Anything I try... just doesn’t work out. It doesn’t. So, when it does work out once-in-a-blue-moon... I feel like it must’ve been luck. Surely, I couldn’t be smart enough, or hard-working enough to have achieved whatever it is that I achieved. Right? RIGHT!? That’s what this lyric reminds me of. The “gold” in this context is my intelligence, ability to work hard, and actually achieve something of worth. But every time I find gold in the gold-mine we call life... I just keep telling myself “there’s no gold here, you just got lucky. Take it, and move on. You won’t find more.”

I don’t even know if that makes sense, but that’s how it feels. Like... just be thankful for what you have, and don’t try to do anything more because you’ll end up failing. For the longest time... in fact, as far back as I can remember, that has been my experience of life. But, I’m working actively to change that. I have help, I have support, and I don’t intend to waste my time living in the past forever.

What we put out into the air Comes back to us Flowing through us Know it isn't too hard to care Kindness moves us Hate is useless And I think we can do better One heart at a time

This is the part that always makes me tear up the most. This is the part that I relate to the most post-treatment, and post-diagnosis. I felt... for the first time in my life... validated. That I wasn’t just some washed-up, has-been, lazy, morally-defective waste of a human being with no prospects in life. From the doctor who believed me when I told her the nature and the peculiar condition of my suffering, to the counselor who didn’t make me feel ashamed for choosing to take stimulant medication to manage my condition.

There will always be non-believers and nay-sayers. We, who suffer from this peculiar condition called ADHD, probably know a few. But that doesn’t mean we can’t move forward without them. In my own case, my own parents don’t believe that anything like ADHD even exists. At best, it’s a ploy to sell more medication by big-pharma. And yet... I can personally attest to the fact that the condition is real. The medication works for me more than any amount of diet/exercise/meditation has ever worked... and I’m about as dependent on the medication as I am on the prescription glasses I wear in order to be able to see.

The medication took the “fog” of ADHD away. It made time REAL. It allowed me to visualize and plan, and prioritize almost instantly. And for the first time ever... I could feel, and see, and use the intellect I always knew I had. I’m not stupid, I don’t think I’ve ever been stupid, or lazy. And the medication finally gave me the ability to grasp that fully. Give me clarity. I KNOW I CAN DO BETTER. And I will. My mission in life is clear: Help those who suffer from undiagnosed ADHD in any way/shape/form I can by becoming a Clinical Psychologist. I want to make sure that no one has to suffer unnecessarily and needlessly the way I suffered. That is my drive. That’s my reason for existing. This... pain. This... anguish... that I didn’t even know I was going through until the first day I tried the medication. Nobody deserves this. Nobody deserves to feel this way. And If I have anything to say/do about it... less people in this world will. That’s what the “one heart at a time” part in this lyric reinforces for me.

Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Gold lies in the valleys And all I have Keep it inside

I know that the ADHD will never be cured, or fixed, or be forever gone. Like Type 1 Diabetes, there is no cure. Only management. So, manage it I shall. Would I wish this on anyone else? No. But if this is the way I was meant to be... then I won’t fight it. I’ll embrace it. I’ll use all the tools available to me to focus and channel this gift (or curse, whatever you want to call it) and direct it to help as many people I can. I’ll do everything I can to touch as many lives as I can.

*~*~*

If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading. It means a lot.

I love you all. Listen to the song!

Stay safe out there. <3

Take care of yourself, ADHD fam.

#adhd #new diagnosis #lyric quotes #lyrical analysis #mitis #gold lies in the valley #music is life #music #random thoughts #long post #crying #i'm not crying #personal post

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carlsonknives · 5 years

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WELLBEING | Managing Anxiety When Living Outside of Your Comfort Zone

This isn’t an article featuring tips on handling anxiety, more a personal musing on my own anxiety and fair warning too, it’s pretty long, though I hope not too rambling!

Although I’m fairly adventurous I have an exaggerated anxiety response, even to seemingly mild stressors. Things I’m good at, things I enjoy, things I’ve done over and over again, often still fill me with anxiety.

Just over 20 years ago, as well as suffering from depression, I was also diagnosed with Free Floating Anxiety. Rather than the diagnostic labels empowering me, however, I felt like they trapped me.

After a few years of living a much smaller life, I realised I had a choice to make and that diagnoses or not, my mental health was pretty much up to me to take control of and that there were no magic cures (though at that time medication did offer me some relief, but I never saw it as a long-term solution) so that’s when I started on my long journey back to taking control of my mental health and getting off meds for good.

Although I’m now medication-free and largely stable and well, I do still have that extremely exaggerated anxiety response, and sometimes it can overwhelm me.

What Anxiety Is Like for Me

Nerves before doing things that we perceive as stressful are of course normal, but for one reason or another (perhaps by now, the well-worn neural pathways I’ve created over more than 2 decades aren’t helping), I still feel that I have an unusually excessive anxiety response, though my GP has been highly dismissive.

Unable to concentrate, my stomach churning and in knots, shaking, irritable, unable to eat, sleep or even go to the loo – symptoms I’m sure many with anxiety will be able to identify with.

Instead of mild nervous excitement and butterflies, I can find myself feeling wired and jittery as cortisol courses through me. Unable to concentrate, my stomach churning and in knots, shaking, irritable, unable to eat, sleep or even go to the loo – symptoms I’m sure many with anxiety will be able to identify with.

The tricks I learned during CBT combined with meditation help me a little, but only to a point. I’m now able to identify how I’m feeling at least, which can stop me spiralling into a full-on meltdown, but it doesn’t really ease the anxiety and no amount of rationalising or logical self-talk seems to stop that unwelcome jittery cortisol rush and churning sick feeling of dread that for me, can last for days or even weeks on end.

You might think then that knowing I react this way to certain things that I’d attempt to minimise my exposure to the situations I know can make me anxious. Quite the opposite is true though.

I’m not sure I ever truly left behind my teenage rebellious phase, but my natural desire to disrupt and live life in full colour, combined with my stubborn streak compels me towards anxiety-inducing situations like a moth to a flame.

Avoidance As A Coping Mechanism Isn’t For Me

I truly believe that avoidance isn’t a particularly healthy or ultimately rewarding coping mechanism, Indeed I seem to ascribe to a “feel the crippling, gut-wrenching fear but like a massive idiot, go and do it anyway” type of thinking, so I persist in doing things that I know are likely to cause me anxiety, as conquering them feels like a little personal victory, despite the days of hell I go through beforehand.

It feels like I’m wresting back control, telling my brain to shut up, confirming to myself that if I want to do something, I jolly well will, regardless of the anxiety it will inevitably cause me. I seem to actively seek out situations that cause me to feel this way, like some kind of twisted masochist.

Is this constant battle a ‘healthy’ way of handling anxiety? Is it good for helping me build confidence that will hopefully lead to less anxiety in the future? That I really don’t know, but the other option of not doing stuff because my anxiety tells me not to doesn’t really feel like an option at all to me.

I don’t want fear to hold me back, I want my life to be as big and rich as possible and for that to happen, instead of retreating and waving a white flag, I simply have to face my anxiety head on.

Our Comfort Zones Are All Very Different

Take for example when I started this blog almost 5 years ago, and I made a pledge to say “yes” to things my anxiety repeatedly tells me to say a big resounding “no” to, which has lead to me being in countless situations that have left me with insomnia, feeling sick, physically shaking, unable to think straight and with horrendous IBS flares.

I know a diverse range of people and am lucky to have a large group of friends. Some of whom also suffer from anxiety and other related disorders. Some are medicated, some are not. Some grab it by the horns and do the scary things anyway, others don’t and instead let the anxiety stop them living the lives they want to live.

The mountains where I’m always at my happiest

Nerves and apprehension, of course, are normal and natural, a physical and psychological response to something perceived as a stressor. So now, rather than running through endless worst-case scenarios and dwelling on them, I try not to look at things in terms of success or failure.

I’m OK with simply ‘doing’ and I try not to focus on the potential outcomes. I’ve stopped running endless nightmare scenarios through my head and now reason with an internal shrug that whatever I’m facing “It’ll be fine” and I often think about “what’s the worst that can happen?” too, which can have an instantly calming effect when I realise actually, it’s really no big deal and this kind of rationalisation really does help.

Instead of trying to totally ignore the thoughts that cause my anxiety to spike, I sit with them and to some extent accept that I feel that way.

This acceptance seems to rob the anxious thoughts of their potency and I can sometimes let the anxious ‘what if’ scenarios float away from me. My forthcoming solo snowboarding holiday is making me feel anxious in a way that’s threatening to engulf the usual pre-holiday excitement I usually feel though and that’s because my usual “what’s the worst that can happen?” way of thinking is actually making things worse rather than better.

My favourite place to snowboard, Whistler in Canada

What’s The Worst That Can Happen?

If you’re anxious about say a job interview, when you apply that logical reasoning to the situation the answer is “I might not get the job” or “I might say something stupid”, neither of which are likely to have any lasting impact other than you feeling a bit frustrated, or a bit stupid for a while. But given my previous experience of being in the mountains and having had medical emergencies, “what’s the worst that can happen?” takes on a far scarier life of its own.

I’m lucky to be part of a wonderful community of outdoor bloggers; some like strolling around and exploring cities and parks, some are triathletes or run marathons, some like long distance hikes and some are full-on adventure fiends, taking part in jungle expeditions and even scaling the heights of some serious mountains like Kathmandu.

As someone who camps, does a bit of walking, kayaking, snowboarding and likes the odd adrenaline rush, imposter syndrome can often be strong when I compare myself to those I regard as hardcore adventurers. But then I have other friends who think I’m crazy/brave/stupid for doing some of the things that I do, and would never consider doing anything like that themselves.

There’s an Art to Not Letting Fear Hold You Back

This leads me to my forthcoming solo snowboarding holiday and how it’s very much taking me out of my comfort zone.

Now in my early forties, I’ve been snowboarding since my mid-twenties and have snowboarded in places like Morzine, La Thuille, Cervinia, Sestriere, Fernie and my favourite, Whistler in Canada.

I’m actually a pretty decent snowboarder, just not great. I still get flummoxed by dreaded flat bits and still occasionally get off chair lifts and fall into a heap. Despite this, I’m proficient on black runs and even breaking my back snowboarding a few years ago hasn’t put me off, though it has slowed me down a little.

I’ve been overseas to places like Morocco, Egypt and to Europe on my own, and I’ve also frequently spent time in places like Scotland and Cornwall alone, but snowboarding on my own is totally new and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hugely apprehensive about it.

I’m not one to take risks in the mountains, but despite this, I’ve found myself in a few sticky situations where I was hugely grateful not to be on my own at the time.

Despite my best efforts I’m not brilliant at mountain navigation, which is one of the reasons why in the past I’ve tended to return multiple times to the same ski resorts as I’ve got to know the mountains there, Whistler in Canada for example I know extremely well, and know all my favourite runs, which other runs lead off them, which chair lifts to get back up and so on.

Flow is that lovely, often elusive state you can find yourself in when doing something completely absorbing and/or pleasurable.

I’ve pondered over why my mountain navigation skills aren’t great and believe the reason in part at least, is that when I’m snowboarding I’m experiencing that wonderful feeling of flow.

Flow is that lovely, often elusive state you can find yourself in when doing something completely absorbing and/or pleasurable. We are immersed there in the present moment, fully enjoying it without any of the usual thoughts and worries of a busy mind that can so easily distract us.

When I’m in this state, totally absorbed by the physicality of snowboarding, the sheer joy of being in the mountains, it’s like part of my conscious brain switches off, I’m on a high, and having to engage my logical brain to figure out what to do when I suddenly find the run I’m on is about to split into 3 and I can’t see any clear signs or piste markers, isn’t something I’m great at.

The Reassuring Safety Net Of Other People & The Role of Our Peer Group

In a group, this isn’t an issue. There’s always one of us that knows where we’re going, or someone to reassure me that yes, this is the ‘right’ way down, but the realisation that mountain navigation will be just down to me this time fills me with an anxiety I can’t seem to shake, and despite my best efforts I seem to be fixating on the fear of taking a wrong turn and getting myself in a pickle.

When I mentioned this in a Facebook post, a friend pointed out that as long as I head down the slope, it’s all good. Of course, thinking purely logically that’s absolutely true, but framed within some of the sketchy experiences I’ve had, it’s not quite as simple as that.

Snowboarding in Cervinia once with my sister and best friend, about 2/3 of the way down the mountain we suddenly came to an abrupt stop in front of 2 huge signs as the run split into 2. In one direction there was a big red sign that said “CLOSED” in the other direction a big red sign said “DANGER”. We stood baffled, totally alone on the run, trying to work out what the hell to do.

There were no chair lifts in sight, from the piste map we couldn’t work out where we were and taking off our boards and walking back up a slope we’d already spent a good 20 minutes boarding down wasn’t an option. We decided “CLOSED” was our best bet and took off our boards and spent nearly an hour walking down the closed almost snowless piste to reach the bottom.

Another time whilst snowboarding in the most insane powder I’ve ever come across in Sestriere in Italy, we were in full white-out conditions. The kind of conditions that are totally and utterly disorientating.

I veered very slightly off piste on the way down (without realising as I couldn’t see), and found myself, just a metre or 2 away from the marked piste but unable to move, up to my waist in snow. It was frankly terrifying, but thankfully my daughter who was boarding close behind me came to a stop on the edge of the piste, took off her board and edged her way towards me. Lying flat and reaching out to help me dig and compact snow around me so I could heave myself out, It took us a good 20 minutes of hard work to get me out and we were both shattered by the end of it.

Add to this a broken back and breaking several ribs multiple times whilst boarding and having to be stretchered off the mountain, a huge fear of drag lifts as with my back injury they are seriously painful for me to use, and I guess it’s understandable why I might be a little anxious about snowboarding alone on a mountain I don’t know in a country where I can only cobble together enough of the language to buy a meal in a restaurant.

Before booking, I asked fellow outdoors bloggers whether they thought snowboarding alone was dangerous or not, and the general consensus was no, as long as I was careful to go for it. It was interesting however when I asked close friends and family the same question, most of their responses were the exact opposite, telling me they thought I was crazy to do it alone.

Although snowboarding is fun, the mountains aren’t always friendly places. Finding yourself alone in bad weather with low visibility on a sketchy slope with daylight fading is a seriously sobering experience, one that requires you to swallow down fear, think logically and focus on getting yourself off the hill as quickly and as safely as possible.

Despite my fears, this will come as no great surprise, I went ahead and booked anyway. After missing the last 3 seasons in a row and with me not getting any younger, I was determined that no matter what, even if I ended up having to go alone, that I wouldn’t miss a fourth season.

I did a lot of research before choosing my accommodation and the location. I opted for a chalet reasoning that if something did happen to me, the chalet hosts and other guests would recognise my absence much faster than a hotel would.

To try and ease the anxiety I’ve told myself I only need to stick to some gentle runs low down the mountain, and that once I get to know a few runs, I’ll be fine.

Even so, I’ve genuinely never been this nervous about going away alone before, and with still over a week to go, the physical feelings that my anxiety is causing are pronounced and frankly exhausting.

I just keep thinking about finishing my very first run, the joyful rush of adrenaline mixed with relief, which is when I’m hoping all this anxiety will finally melt away and leave me alone so I can relax and enjoy the experience.

Me snowboarding in Whistler

How Do You Handle Anxiety?

I’d love to know how you handle self-doubt and anxiety.

How do you feel about solo travel, have you ever done it, or would you do it given the chance? If not, why not? Would you ski or snowboard alone, or have you done it in the past? Perhaps you never seem to worry about anything much or you experience anxiety in a markedly different way? Leave a comment below!

The post WELLBEING | Managing Anxiety When Living Outside of Your Comfort Zone appeared first on Camping Blog Camping with Style | Active, Outdoors & Glamping Blog.

Original Source http://www.campingwithstyle.co.uk/wellbeing-managing-anxiety-when-living-outside-of-your-comfort-zone/ For the best knives to use whilst camping check out Carlson Knives http://www.carlsonknives.com/

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