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#im so tired of everything anf it fucking sucks

cl0wn-l4k3 · 7 months

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ii acctidentlly spit on so. soso many books👍👍👍

#im so tired sleepies !!!!!!!fucjung snonk mimimi shit that me. its not #i crave tbe taste of #balsamic glaze. wanna drink kt #slurp that shit down nasty style #i want. grapes tolive inside me forevers #crangrape juice👍👍#grapes are so beautiful. they put so much pussy into everything #no body loves her like i could love him #ohh fuck right my books. i cant check them bcus if i climb out of bed my.#body ewill shut down and ill. have to deal eith lirk. gull body tremors and no t being able move nd that sucks shitly yknow #also its like this whole thing and. i might be having seizures???#idk its like. some conplicated shut anf im. havingent gotten the whole story of. possible family histoy of seizures and im.#kindof avoiding doctors i guessidk #anways. im somikng too much weed hates me soooo’s much #anyways. also i hate myself i suck so much im so fucking disgusting i fucking hate being myself #ok. im going to. nkt slleeep anymoew aever again goodbye goodbye love you goodby nighties

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princess-harumaki · 5 years

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i hate being. sad lol

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darkvveb · 3 years

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i cant talk about my provlems i cant i cant nobody gets it

#i cant call a hotline how am i supposed to tell them thay there are people in my brain and i cant cope with anything #and that im fucking crazy and delusional and its making it hard to function #how the fuck can they help me #what could they say that would make it better #nobody fuckjng gets it nobody in ny life fucking understands and it sucks #its scary and its awful anf it fucking sucks im so tired #i just want everything to stop #personal #hurt #sys

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sneks-n-bickles · 7 years

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I feel like such a failure what's wrong with me.

#snek says shit #i cant do goretober this year again #got to day 4 and my life got fucked up #i get hardly 100 notes on my stuff but i see stuff with hundreds and thousands of notes and #i know i shouldnt worry about that at all #but it sucks to see #i have a degree jn art anf i havent done anything yet #everything is so overwhelming and my mental state is in shambles #just cleaning the kitchen is hard #and i have no major past trauma theres no reason for me to be like this #dont rb im venting #i dont have a lot of irl friends anymore to talk to all i got is my mutuals on here really #im trying not to drink this week #due to the mega hang over i had this weekend #and im miserable and sad and numb and tired and tired of noy being awake #cant pick up a pencil for my life #my finances are so low idk if i can even move next month #i need to get out before winter or else it will get worse #i need to go to the doctors to get more birth control and idk if i can afford that even #i honestly feel like i shouldnt bother being here??#not gonna do anything but its lingering in the back of my mind more often #if i self harm im afraid ill get kicked out if someone sees #its just easier to go to bed #ignore me please

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eggjorp · 5 years

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Rivals

A/N: THAT GODDAMNED TONGUE IN THE GIF shfishdfisfhijdfis ok I edited the bulleted scenario that I submitted to @nctdoingthings my lovely best friend instead of doing my homework skksdkjskskjdksjdksjskks

Warning: I swear a whole fucking lot

Idk how long it is but it is pretty fluffy and cute! Enemies to lovers! My no.1 au

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Ok so you and Mr Kim Doyoung go to the same school/uni idk bro its your imagination I’m just a guideline okay

Y’all generally smart, he’s not in all your classes, just some

Neither of you are TOP of the class like this ain’t some no.1 in the school rivalry I don’t— bitch I don’t have to motivation to even TRY to be no.1 we gotta make this attainable ok?? Y’all just pretty high up there

He sits the table behind you and gets kinda pissed when you laugh obnoxiously with your friends (this is a personal attack @ myself ok)

You try to get along with him but sometimes he just gives you that Look™ where u can tell he’s judging you and thinking ‘damn she dumb wow ok’ (he’s probably not) (maybe a little)

Eventually you gave up because you got exams and fuck I forgot where I was going with this

Oh yeah so y’all just don’t speak. Like you acknowledge each others presences but you just— don’t speak to each other and give each other distasteful looks, you’re not each other’s cups of tea ok fuck it not everyone’s gonna like u suck it up u lil bitch ok I’ll stop

You go to the library to revise for the exams, only free space is next to him so you plop your butt down n get cracking uno

You get stuck on a question and you try textbooks, you try handouts, you try google, you try everything and you just?? Don’t??? Get it???? So you suck up your damned pride and you tap his shoulder like

“Yo so u see this question that we had for homework yeah I don’t understand it, like at ALL, so would you mind helping me please?”

And he just kinda stares at you for a few seconds because he just didn’t,, expect you to actually uno, talk to him never mind like ACTUALLY ask him for help

So he’s like ‘um sure’ ‘okay yeah so you blah blah blah bc the blah blah and the blah blah?’ And you just stare at him for a few seconds back like ‘um what?’

So he takes a deep breath and turns in his seat so he’s facing you more directly and takes the handout from that lesson and explains the whole thing. It kind of seems like he’s getting pissed at your ??? Faces but you don’t say anything because your grades are too important lol

You fiNALLy understand it and say thanks and then continue working

Then it happens agAIN (another day) excEPT ;))) he’s asking yOU for help

I’m making this up as I go along somebody help me

And you really wanna smirk and be all smug but your like to yourself ‘yn, no you gotta CHILL you don’t wanna piss him off’ and you help him anf all is good

THEN the 2 questions you helped each other in came up in the exam and when you get to class you high five because,, uno,, fun!!

So y’all are on an acquaintance level now, and it’s cool, you don’t really speak much but no more distasteful looks thank GOD

Aight so the library stuff doesn’t happen again because, uno, this ain’t to all the boys I’ve loved before ok

We gonna make it kinda realistic

So both of y’all are ill which sucks since y’all did wanna go to school but whatever so you go to your teacher during lunch to get the handout and catchup

Your teacher is like ‘it’s an easy topic I’m sure you guys will get it but how about you sit down and work through it together and if you have questions ask me, ignore the people on the other side of the room they have detention’

Your like aight yeet so you mainly work in silence apart from just checking your answers with each other’s until there’s a question where you both got differing answers so you ask the teacher and they’re like ok let’s go through it on the whiteboard and your and Doyoung’s differing points get him rEally confused

y’all kinda riled up and angry at each other thinking ‘you’re being such a dickhead’ but at each other, with your eyes, idk fam

So the teacher is tryna work it out and you and Doyoung are lowkey/highkey because the passive aggressiveness ain’t subtle insulting each other it was aLL GOING GOOD UNTIL THIS ONE DAMN QUESTION FFS DOYOUNG WHY YOU GOTTA RUIN IT

then one of the kids in the detention are like ‘oooh lovers quarrel’ and snicker so you turn around like ‘bitch come at me do you wanna fight? Like legit I will fight you right now let’s fucking go I’m not joking let’s fucking gO IM READY SQUARE UP MOTHERFUCKER’ ok but obviously less agressive that’s just me and my 4 fire signs

Doyoung is kinda like “?? Why you so sensitive do you like me or something lol and you just give him the bIGGEST EYEROLL LIKE BITCH NOT EVERYTHING’S ABOUT YOU PERHAPS I’M STRESSED BECAUSE IM NOT GETTING THE QUESTION RIGHT DON’T FUCKING FLATTER YOURSELF” and he gets kinda embarrassed and the kids in detention are like ‘oooooh bro you better say sorry or she’ll break up w you’

So you roll your eyes agAIN and mumble ‘just when I started thinking you were actually cool but no you became an arrogant dickhead again, fucking wanker’ y’all I’m sorry I swear too much but there’s nothing I can do

Y’all just sit quietly and the teacher’s like ok start of the next lesson I’ll go through it because I need to ask the other teachers but if y’all are done you can go

So you angrily but quietly pack your shit up and go and Doyoung’s eyes follow you but ofc you don’t notice, you’re angry as shit

When you leave he walks after you and goes “hey y/n Im sorry for pissing you off, but seriously it’s not that deep?” and you just,,,

Because this bitch really hit you with the ‘it’s not that deep’ so you just kinda puff your chest out and walk up to him like ‘excuse you? “It’s not that deep” who do you think you are?’ and he’s just staring down at u

He doesn’t reply, you’re looking him in the eyes but his eyes are a little lower uno ;))) HE’S STARING AT YOUR SOFT LIPS

So you and your filterless mouth decided to say the first thing that pops in your head and go “Kim Doyoung do you like me?” and he fucking snAPS like his eyes widen and he takes 3 steps back

He has the dumbest face like ‘pshh no where’d you get that idea from?’

And you smirk you are sOoooooo smug right now because it all cLICKS NOW

He made a joke saying “do you like me or something” because he wanted to see if you would be up for it and kinda gauge how you feel about him

So you’re like “oh my god Kim Doyoung has a crush on the dumb obnoxious girl who sits in front of him”

And he reddens and quietly says ‘no’ because he wants to deny it but bITCH ITS TOO LATE YOU CAUGHT ON

So u smirk (for the 17th time) and say “we shall see, Kim Doyoung”

And you leave and he’s like scARED SHITLESS BC HE HAS N O IDEA WTF YOU’RE GONNA DO

Y’all roll up to class the next day all chill, neither of you say anything but he’s watching youuuuu and you’re very aware of it so you’re thinking hmm maybe I’ll tease him a little it’d be fun so you go up to ask the teacher a question and as you’re walking back, everyone’s got their head down working uno, you wink at him cheekily and it sends him fucking wiLD like he jumps in his seat and the person sitting next to him is like bro you good???

So he just has to play it off like oh yeah I just thought I saw a spider

Meidbddhsid you love playing with kdy bc you’RE in control now

You maKE the library thing happen again (basically you just willingly sit next to him) because you wanna see him flustered again like when you winked because it’s funny but like,, also,, kinda cute? Shdidbdj Maybe you kinda like him too?? Shut up no you dONT (u totally do)

The ppl who sit closest to you guys in class have kinda noticed this weird energy where y’all don’t speak but you make a lOT of eye contact so they might perhaps bring it up Doyoung and he’s like “whAT no I just- she’s annoying so I- And the lesson- the, Yeah.”

They just ignore him like fuck it whatever it’s his life

After that class he decides to confront you because he’s a little tired of being teased so he pulls you out of the corridor and into another one after class

He says ‘hey look, yes I like you, I think you’re cute and smart and funny and you might not like me back but I need some kind of answer I’ve been waiting for a while for some kind of answer you know’

Suddenly you feel kinda bad for teasing him for such a long time so you go ‘ugh Kim Doyoung you big dope I might kinda maybe like u too? But idk yet? Plus you know school is really important and idk if either of us have time for a relationship…’ and he nods ‘yeah I understand and you’re right actually, wanna walk to the bus stop together?’

So you do that but you’re both mainly silent, it’s kinda awkward

Next day you take the seat next to him in the library and maybe just maybe your hands touch a little and you end up going to the library together like everyday almost like a study date

You guys don’t speak you just work together quietly next to each other

And then perhaps get some food after

Maybe even watch a movie every now and then

Perhaps kiss a little ;))

You might not have time for a full relationship but what’s wrong with a little fun??

A/N: I might do a little bonus cutesy scene where y’all hold hands in the library and kiss while having a coffee break

Feedback is very much appreciated and welcomed, or even just a reblog💚

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softly-mossy · 5 years

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[[MORE]]

OKAY YEAH, ALRIGHTY? MAVERICKS BACK TO JANUARY 2019 LEVELS OF SADDNESS AND LONELINESS AND SUICIDALNESS AND GENERAL DISCONTENT WITH THE WORLD ONLY NOW ITS AMPLIFIED BY THE FACT THAT SO MANY MORE THINGS ARE WRONG IN THE WORLD AND IVE TRIED SO MANY OPTIONS TO GET BETTER AND THEY DONT WORK AND IM JUST ONE STUPID IDIOT THAT EXISTS. people will get over me. the already have. anf they should! they offer to help me and im so scared that if im blunt and honest theyre going to just go "oh thats a problem for the hospital and not me!" and just leave me so i push them away without meaning to. they dont deserve to have to worry about their idiot fucking "friend" harminf their idiot fucking self. so why not distance myself from people to make the whole thing easier? why am i trying to speak to anyone? why not just go dark, uninstall everything and wait a few days? what's stopping me? im a fucking coward thats whats stopping me. im worried about the "mess" afterwards. im worried about stupid shit like that. im just tired. im tired of being scared for no reason and lonely even though i have people constantly reaching out and just feeling stupid and worthless and hopeless and like theres no future for me besides being constantly on the verge of annihilating myself because im so discontent with how im living. "just change the way you think!" i CANT. I TRY. AND I CANT. BECAUSE THE STUPID NAGGING VOICE AT THE BACK OF MY HEAD DOESNT "GO AWAY" IF I TRY TO THINK LOGICALLY OR RATIONALLY. IT STICKS. AND IT SPEAKS AND SPEAKS AND SPEAKS AND IM SO TIRED OF TRYING TO SPEAK OVER IT THAT I JUST LET IT GO. I CANT GET IT OUT PROPERLY TO MY DOCTORS LIKE THAT. THEYRE LIKE 'oh schizophrenia?' no itz just me being my typical dumb self brandon. just commit me to the ward so they can take a glance and go "well you're a lost cause" and take our money and i can stay the same way i am because NOTHINGG HELPS ANYMORE and im SO TIRED OF GETTING MY HOPES UP FOR GETTING BETTER AND HAVING THEM FUCKING DECIMATED IN FRONT OF ME EVERY TIME. TRY A NEW MED, DO GROUP THERAPY, MEDITATE, THIS, THAT, WHY? NOTHIN MATTERS BUCKO! SUCK IT UP AND FACE IT! I DONT MATTER WHAT I DO DOESNT MATTER WHAT I THINK OR SAY OR WRITE OR WHATEVER DOESN'T MATTER SO WHY BOTHER WITH ANYTHING

#DONT @ EM IM FED UP AND JUST. lockinf myaelf ib my room for tge n8ght i guess. im sorry but holy shit man

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gowongeef · 5 years

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😔

#hhhsxbhssn h #hshxnwmakxjwncv h #hhhshdhcbd #okay nks that that's out of the way #back to my regularly scheduled bullshit where i scream into the void 😜#for a few weeks. things were honestly great and i was like damn i rly got my shit together #and now im just. crashinggf and it fuckinf sucks oh my god #im trying to. still be happy and positive anf excited abt things but god its so hard and exhausting to pretend #and my brain is being mean to me again im so tired #i dont think anyone likes me on here and i feel like an idiot messaging people #god im just. so annoying im sorry u all feel forced to talk to me #everything sucks i just want to diejxjehschrj #its literally. all that ive been thinking abt for Days and im trying to distract myself but its not fucking working #i kinda wrote. a Note but i got too scared once i was done so i ripped it and went to sleep instead #everyone literally hates me so fucking much like i can Feel it #i cant believe it when most of my friends say i love you to me anymore and that just. sucks #my heart hurts i just want to be. done w all of this #i wish there was an easy way out #neg

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princess-chiaki · 6 years

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being upset all the time really fucking sucks hhhffnfb

#chiaki cries #i wanna claw my hair out god #i hate having emotional stability problems #to the ppl wholike romantize jt tf u doin #theres bothing good or nice abt being saf #it sucks alot #its so shitty feeling like you wanna die over literally bothing all the time #i hate being sad #i just dont wanna be #bt instead here i am lol #hhh #im tired all the time nd being far away from my gf really fucking hurts nd i literally have nobody but her and mso lonely all the time anf #i mean i just want her but it #it just hurts #everything hurts #anf i dont know how to fix it

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bolbiistroganovsky · 6 years

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this is gonna sound crazy cause my little sister is only 12, but i honest to god dont think i can continue living under the same roof as her for my own personal health. like she is just so horrible to me and there is nothing i can do about it because everytime ive tried to fight back or demand i be treated better i become the “bad guy” and am “overreacting” because im supposed to be older and be the bigger person. but im so tired of having to be the bigger person. i really dont think the way she treats me is normal sibling stuff either. thats why no one ever takes me seriously. they just say its normal sibling stuff but its not. its not just small arguments over who gets the TV or a borrowed sweater. shes just routinely rude and mean and judgemental. like ill do anything just being silly having fun and shell make the most judgemental face and cross her arms. or like today, we had an early thanksgiving and all day she was just making jokes about me being ugly even though its clear to anyone with eyes that im insecure about my appearance and like she just brushes it off as just jokes.i finally was sick of it so i told her point blank that i dont think those jokes are funny and they just ake her seem like a mean person and then i walked off and went to practice harp. then like two minutes later she barges in and starts yelling at me for overreacting, hits my harp, then storms off. and its a cycle. shell do something like that then an hour later shell come hug me and be really sweet and apologize and say all these nice things and then nothing changes and it happens again a day or two later. today actually the cycle happened twice in one day which i think is a new record. and its like, at this point id rather her just not apologize cause theyre clearly empty words. ive taken to saying “thank you for apologizing” very blankly and not saying anything else instead of “its ok” or “i forgive you” because i dont forgive her. er i think i forgive her which is why i keep getting hurt but i also know that itll happen again and i know that this apology ultimately means nothing so why tell her i forgive her when in practicality i dont? and i know sometimes i can be mean to her but not in the repeated antagonistic way she is. when im “mean” to her its like ill take the front seat even if she calls shotgun or ill say something like...honestly i cant even remember. i tried to think of something fairly recent and i cant recall a time where i started a fight by saying something mean. and whenever tried to talk to her about the clear issues we have she always uses those few and far between things to justify everything she does to me. and my parents do it to. and ive always felt like thats just wrong that i am the primary victim but ive always chalked that up to bias. no one ever htinks theyre in the wrong, but now i feel justified in thinking im not in the wrong in these situations because i know that i dont antagonize her the way she antagonizes me. i dont push on her sore spots like bruises. shes always talking about how she has mroe friends than me, how shes the favorite, how shes mroe athletic than me, how shes better than me in every concievable way and i know i have neverintentionally pushed at her insecurities. and i know this because in the moment ive thought of what i could say that could make her hurt as bad as i do and i never say it partly because i know its wrong to say things like that, and partly because i know that if did i would be treated like the villain even though ive been putting up with this ever since she could talk. its not like shes always been verbally horrible to me, but before shed be selfish with toys or shed intentionally ruin something i was doing and thats what would get to elementary school and middle school me, but now what gets me is when she intentionally pushes at my insecurities and then thinks all fine and dandy because she was “joking”. and i just cant stick up for myself. I honestly cant wait to graduate and leave. i love my family anf my school so much but she is the sole reason i want to leave. and like i really honestly hate her. i do not like her at all but i also still love her because she is still my sister. and it kind of sucks. i wish i could just not care about her at all and just be like “you know what? fuck you” and be done with it. but i cant because stupid ass me doesnt want to hurt anybody’s feelings. sometimes ive thought like what if i killed myslef and wrote a note about how i did it because i couldnt take living with her cruelty anymore? i dont actually want to die or kill myself because i love all parts of my life but her, but it feels like it would finally show everyone how horrible she actually is. like id be able to feel vindicated from the grave that everyone finally saw that i wasnt just being dramatic she actually was horrible to me. sometimes ill accidentally picture a family member dying and ill feel sad and ill tear up and think how much itd hurt but when i do it witih her, i feel like a terrible person admitting this, but i dont think id be that sad. id feel a little bit sad but id also feel relieved that id never have to deal with ehr again. but im also worried about her. like she has problems keeping friends and my mom always comforts her and tells her that sometimes things are meant to be and my sister will tell how the other girl is being snooty or mean and my mom drinks it up that my sister is the victim, but i cant help but think that she cant keep friends because she subconsciously treats them similarly to how she treats me, or that she attracts a similar kind of mean person like she is to be friends with. and i dont want that for her, i want her to be able to have friend and be nice. i want her to learn how to be a good person cause i know she can, but its like she cant learn she cant understand that what shes doing is wrong. and i feel conflicted becuase i wantto help her be better and i want to support her like a good big sister, but i also want to fight back and cut her out of my life. but i also feel bad cause like am i overreaecting after all? cause how could a 12 year old be this horrible to me? people always tell me shell grow out of it. they told me that when i was 7 and she was 3 and they told me that today and she hasnt. and im tired of waiting for her to grow up. i just want to be done with this. it feels like my instinct to stand up for myself and fight back is fighting my instinct to be a good sister. i also feel ashamed that i let my little sister get to me this badly. like im older and bigger and stronger and more experienced. i should be the one with the power. but for some reason i just cant. like i feel ridiculous for feeling like im being take nadvantage of by a 12 year old but its happening. i cant keep doing this anymore. im so sick of it. i just wish i could leave and never come back. everyone has always told me that well be best friends when were adults but ive always known that that wont be true. but now it doesnt even feel like we have enough of a relationship to even be regular friends after i leave home. i mean maybe thats a bit dramatic writing off our entire lives even though shes only twelve but i dont even think i would want to try and have a relationship with her even if i could in the future. it sjust too ddraining being aroudn her. its been too draining for nearly ten years and i just dont see that stopping. im just tired. she makes me tired. of being around her of living in this house of just living tbh. ughhhhhhhhhh. i think this is the worst its ever been.

sorry this is such a long ass post. i could probably say more but i wont. im just tired of bottling it all up. i talked with my stepmom about it and she agrees. she says she understands that its not me and she told my sister that shes potentially jeopardizing our relationship in the future. and its such a breath of fresh air to have someone understand that its not me. she thinks we should go to counseling which we probably should. god ive gone to so much counseling whats wrong with me. anyways heres your sob story for the day. sorry

#long post #ii just have a lot of shit I'm dealing with rn #god i feel like such a prick for having my twelve year old sister be the worst part of my life but she honestly is #i can't stand living like this anymore

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