#im just so fuckijg tired of living like this

[freesomebodybyluna]

...

#ive come to realize a little too late that going the internship route wasnt the best solution to my problem #im going to be paying around $60 per day in uber rides to get to & from work #yesterday my bff had to take me bc i couldnt find any kind of transportation to our neighboring city where the site is for this week #and today a coworker is taking me but im not super happy about that either bc hes going out of his way to pick me up #apparently only one person from the company lives in my city but hes not working on this project #and everyone else lives spread around my neighboring state #and its just so exhausting having to wake up so fucking early & pay sm money everyday just to get there #and just to have to sit around like an eyesore my first day bc there was nothing for me to do #and i regret not just retaking the stupid class where i could just easily walk to school #and spruce up my skills even if i had to feel scrutinized by the prof & deal w my depression bc either way im going to be depressed all the #fucking time & i wouldnt have to wake so early w little sleep & having to buy shit like hiking boots & other items so i can work #more comfortably #its just so much money being spent when i couldve just taken the class & had to uber to my driving lessons at the end of this month at most #and i practically spent every moment that i was home crying yesterday in the morning & then immediately when i got back home #and I just wish i hadnt been plagued by the fact that i didnt want my m*m to know i hadnt graduated #and that i got an internship for professional experience and not bc i needed it to take the place of a class i failed #and in the end i just wish I hadn't failed that fucking class so i wouldnt have to be dealing with this rn #im just so fuckijg tired of living like this #realized this all too fucking late #i shouldnt have settled for the internship & taken the stupid class #why did i think it was a good idea to spend money everyday just to get to work #i dont want to do this i really dont

[mittenlady]

thinkin about klavquill

(the audience boos)

#guys i spent 3 hours today cleaning the dorm bathroom Thefe was so much hair on the ground being a woman is so miserable why is there so muc #AINT no way 3 girls can shed so much hair #i smell nothing but bleach and cleanser and #i did my laundry too and im so tired but i need to work on my direct examinations for mock trial #where r the amta girlies …… Guys what the fuck do I write for these my group is MIA #i just want to write klavquill i am losing my mind #trying to write shorter oneshots that i can actually focus on bc CAYA needs Focus and im so exhausted constantly #and i can not even finish those … #winter break pls come soon pls pls pls holiday rarepair week pls release ur prompts soon so i have a will to live #unfortunate: writer can not write #i like making posts and just complaining about college experience in the tags im so tired im so fuckijg tired #Arizona iced tea my beloved #can’t even go to the campus Starbucks ALL RHE FUCKING WHITE GIRLS ARE THERE. I AM A WHITE GIRL. BUT I DONT COUNT #I NEED MY MATCHA LATTE OATMILK LIGHT ICE COLD FOAM AND WARM BROWNIE :( #anyway my roomie and i bought a massive bag of cheese yesterday that will be my dinner

[wcrmboy]

I just realized this is the only social media my fucking shit roommates dont follow me on AAAAAAAAAAAAA I FUCKIJG HATEBTHEM SO MUCH SO FUCKIJG MUCH I WANT TO SCREAM AT THEM SO BADLY BUT IM STUCK LIVING HERE UNTIL JULY IVE BEEN TRAPPED HERE FOR MONTHS JUST PUTTING UP WITH THE BULLSHIT DAY AND FUCKING NIGHT AND SOMEONE WHO I THOUGHT CARED ABOUT ME AND SOMEONE I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST DOESNT GIVE A SHIT THAT THE WAY HIS PARTNER ACTS IS HURTING ME MENTALLY

AND EVERY TIME I TRY TO ****POLITELY AND KINDLY**** EXPRESS THAT IM FEELING SCARED AND WORRIED MY ROOMMATE JUST DOESNT CARE AND INSTEAD GETS AGGRESSIVELY DEFENSIVE, JUMPS TO CONCLUSIONS, HOLDS THINGS AGAINST ME AND PUTS WORDS IN MY MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HIS STUPID FUCKIJG BOYFRIEND CANT COMPREHEND SHIT ALL ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE NEEDS SERIOUS PSYCHIATRIC HELP BECAUSE HE JUST DESTROYS THINGS AROUND THE APARTMENT IN A BLACKED OUT RAGE OVER THE MOST MINOR OF THINGS ugh I'm so tired of living like this. Post over

#post

[tinyorangepotato]

I fucking really need my own room

#tiny talking #so ive g9ne to bed at 5 am the last 2 nighta because i just cpuldnt sleep right? #and i sleep on the living room at my grandmas #same with my little brother (9n seperate beds) and my cousins son (whos uh 11?) is 9ver for the weekend because his dad lives here too #but so i was busy all day today and did not get enought sleep and i barly ate because just thibking about the food we have makes me fel sic #and so i was far more physically active the last few hours than i nirmally am #and so im tired both in mind and vody and my body hurts more tgan normal #and since um in the fcukung living room with tohers u cant fucking choose qhen i go to sleep #bwcause i hate sleeping in front of others and its so hard to fall aslepe qhen people (even when quiet) are awake in the same room #and its the worst because ive almsot always shared a room with anyone my whole life #but anyways #im tired and my brother decided to play beat saver seieng as it was only 10 #and my cousin had a movie playing #and rhey were talking #and so i put in music and put my head under my blanket and was actually able to sleep #but of course i susk at slepeing and qake up like 20 minutes later because of the noise and talking and the fan not beung on #and they go 'go back to sleep' #LIKE I FUCKIJG CAN #god. with bith you fucking ralking and me dying under this blanket and no good sound and too kuch sound in general and light #and just ugh #i just want ti actually sleep t9ngiht but i feel bad for forcijg others to turn everything off and go to sleep just because ive been #sleeping ahitty the last few days #AND THEY KEEP FUCKIJG. TLAKING #liek how are you gonan tell me to go bakc ti bed with a loud ass kovie on and you tlakign and jsuys sndjdhdjdhskjdhdjdhddx #im so tired #i just want my own room #please #but the 9nly way to get my own room is to buy my own place #which i cant yet because money and my credit acore and just everything #and fuck now im crying

[kakashisthickthighs]

🪂

#jod luke this is such a tall task to ask of me and like i have faith that the universe has faith in me #uut like pls can i be relieved soon #can i like not have to rationalize every little thing bc even though t makes sense it’s so harsh ajd it starts feeling like i’m just making #excuses bc i have a big heart #bht i promised that i cannot have a mind of scarcity even if everyone else around me does #can i be loved out loud like do i deserve that can i have that pls #like jod damn #it’s kind of like the only thing i ever wanted my whole life so far and is honestly not even that fuckijg hard holy shit #✋✋✋✋i m so fucken tired lmao so exhausted fro this abs the spiritual intellect i have i know i am infinite so i am not allowed to be tired #i have to provide #me #i have to provide bc i’m awake and enlightened so it’s an honor and a duty and a burden #and i am the one wh with my knowledge has to expend so much energy manifesting and praying and like pls #i know. not to lose faith and i know to put in the work it is just like #i greed for a payoff that i already got a taste of #abs thr obvious answer every single time is to hunker down and have good faith and choose goodness even though im the only one doing so #no problem #and what’s gonna happen is i’m going to train and become the best and become the hokage and i’ll #i’ll teach the doctrine of the last living pure joyous human on earth #me bitch #and whoever wants it whoever wants peace find it in me #whoever wants to fuck with me i can eat all of u #i am fucking infinite #this ain’t shit #the spirit knows

[time-2-vent]

So. This is a master post about my grandma. Some of this has already been talked about here but I posted this on my private fb and wanted to keep it here too.

.

Okay.. so. This is gonna be a long and detailed one.

Ive never had a space where I could vent about my grandma to more than just people close to me without being blamed or her finding out. The only family I have on here is my mom and im hiding this post from her for various reasons. I understand if many of you can't read all the way through this because its gonna be a lot. I just want the people around me to have a better grasp on exactly why im so depressed.

Before I start im gonna add a trigger list because there is a LOT and im probably going to be very emotional typing this. A lot of it ive never spoken about publicly.

So for a list of TW:

Emotional, physical, sexual, and animal abuse, r*pe, p*dophelia, racism, su*cide, hospitals, ableism, be******ty mention, fatshaming, weight mention, f slur.

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.

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Okay. Im going to start at when I moved in with her. She tricked my mother into signing over custody of me when I was 10. When I was 9 years old I was forced into a mental hospital after being heavily overdosed on medications meant for adults to the point I was "sitting upside down in my chairs unresponsive and talking about tranquilizers" which i have no memory of. The hospital was probably the worst experience in my entire life and I was almost murdered by one of the older kids. After getting out of there I moved in with my grandma.

Throughout my life shes said and done so many horrible things to me. She would always yell and scream about the smallest mistakes. She used to pick me up by my hair. She was just fucking horrible to me.

Around the age of 10-11 when I started going through puberty she would always make fun of the way my genitals looked. She would ask me to stretch my labia out and move it around. Specifically she would ask me to "show me your bat wings". It was fucking disgusting but as a child I thought it was just haha funny joke.

For a while I thought I just imagined that until my mom brought it up to me and how she CAUGHT HER saying that to me multiple times. So I had confirmation that I wasn't just imagining it. I once confronted her about it and she immediately started crying (ive only seen her cry 3 times in my entire life) and told me if I ever said that again she would tell everyone in my family that I was a "prostitute" and would make everyone in my family hate me, and that it was my mother who did that to me.

My mom lived with me and my grandma for a few years but eventually moved out on her own because she couldn't handle my grandmas abuse.

My grandma dated my moms r*pist, which was my moms uncle, and told my mom she never got r*ped, and said my mom only fucked him for "attention and cigarettes". My mom was 12 at the time.

My grandma told me at 15 that the "only reason you think you're trans is because you got diddled as a kid"

My grandma called me a whore when I started becoming sexually active despite her having her first child at 16.

She once told me I was "just like my father" who is a sex offender and abused me as a child. I was also forced to give my at-the-time step brothers head when I was 3-5 and was taught that it was okay.

My grandma has called me every possible name in the book. Anytime she does something wrong its automatically my fault. She told me she would believe that im trans when I showed her my dick (at 16).

Shes incredibly rude and racist, says she hates how she can't understand Asian people. She's said the n word. She's made so many "jokes" about how "aggressive" Black people are. When my cousin found out he had Black in him she said, and I quote, "I always knew he had a n***r ass" which fucking disgusted me. Shes scoffed at my mother for limping. She scoffs at anyone disabled. Always says "you wouldn't catch me looking like that in public." She would tell my mom she was faking her pain. And coincidentally of all 4 of her kids, one was born with physical deformities. she says thats not the reason why, but she gave her up for adoption. She yells at anyone standing in her way who isn't aware. She is incredibly rude when she speaks to people to the point its embarrassing.

When I hung myself earlier this year and a friend came to pick me up she was yelling at me like "Oh so you went and tattled on me didnt you? Did you say oh boo hoo shes so abusiveeee!!" As I had literally just laid passed out in the snow from hanging myself.

When she found out I hung myself she bitched about how I had her snow boots and how she would have had to climb up the hill to find my fucking body as if it were a chore. She asked me if I wanted to be cremated out of nowhere and when I said no she replied "good I didn't want to have to pick your piercings out of your dead body" when I told her she made me want to kill myself she laughed at me and said "well then you'll never survive" my first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. A few weeks ago I started carving at my throat in front of her because im so desperate for her to LISTEN to me for 5 FUCKING SECONDS. I have legitimately cried on my knees and begged her to treat me like a person time and time again. She laughs at me and turns it around to my issues. She guilt trips me and makes me think everything is my fault. She calls me disgusting for having 1 or 2 shirts on the floor. She told me to MY FACE she will never see me as trans. Misgenders me, misgenders my friends. I jokingly told her one of my cis friends was trans, and when she left she asked me "does he really have a penis?" ABOUT A WHOLE ASS CIS WOMAN. She told me she ran over and killed a dog with a broken leg to "put it out of its misery" she would always use glue traps and I told her not to tell me about it so she waits until were in public and says "yknow whenever I catch a live mouse on one of the traps I throw it into a plastic bag and then go do the litter box to suffocate it". Shes threatened to make me pay the hospital bill when I called 911 because she was unconscious. She says horrible things to me EVERY FUCKIJG DAY. She's always making everying my fault all the time and sits and smiles while I'm sobbing and pouring my heart out because im tired of the abuse. Im so fucking tired. It goes on and on and on every day of my life. I literally slit my throat in front of her and she only stopped being mean for about a week. Im so depressed and mentally ill and this is beating on me every moment of my fucking life.

In not done but im shaking and need to stop typing for now

Edit: some other notable things, when my grandpa disowned me and stopped speaking to me for over a year she told me it was probably because of how disgusting I was. And "nobody wants to be around that".

She will ask me specific random questions about specific friends and if I dont know the answer or I forgot, she goes on a tangent about how terrible of a friend I am.

When I was cutting her hair she kept telling me I was doing it wrong, so I did it her way and she hated it and told me she's glad I didn't pursue hair because im terrible at it.

When my cat was dying she originally refused to take him to the vet because he was "just gonna die anyways so I might as well let him", then gave up her cat to the vet because she was peeing but didn't wanna take responsibility for that so she lied to them and said she showed up at her door and didn't tell them her age or even her name and that was so fucking cruel.

When she starts laughing at me sometimes she'll talk to me in a whiny "baby voice" and be like awwww, waaa im so abusedddd *mocks me crying*.

And she always talks in a tone that sounds pissed off and seems confused when I feel like I'm being scolded.

She gets in my face and puts her finger in my face and backs me into corners sometimes and then when I smack her hand out of my face she says she'll put me in jail for abuse.

Oh yea and simetimes when she gets mad at me she'll be like "ok GIRL" in the middle of me talking. Like its annoying and uncalled for.

I cant believe I forgot this holy shit. Years ago (was a minor here as well) I was attacked by my neighbors dog and it knocked me down and when I got home my grandma was accusing me of be******ty and said she was "watching it fuck me" and I was so fucking disgusted and hurt.. I try to block that from my memory because it was my third dog attack and I was traumatized.

She also regularly calls her brother a F@ggot. He is the only lgbt family member (he's gay) that i have.

She regularly fatshames people while only a few feet from them. And will whisper to me about how disgusting they look.

She asks for all of my friends deadnames and gets mad when I dont answer.

"I can't be abusive because I give you a home. I could have let social services take you."

"I cant be racist because my ex husband is Black"

"You must be living in a fantasy world where you make up shit that ive done."

"Id be depressed if I stayed in bed all day too."

"I need to learn to have lower expectations for you."

"I'm starting to resent you. So ill be taking 200$ a month for rent." (She has stopped this thankfully)(edit #2, she started taking it again im gonna be here forever lmao)

When I was underweight she would say things like "you look like an aids patient." And "Are you trying to look like your mother?"

"You're a hoarder"

[drink-and-a-smoke]

i have nowhere and no one to turn to. everyone ignores me when all i need is someone to fucking be there for me for like 5 fucking lousy minutes. 5 FUCKIJG MINUTES OCCASIONALLY. JUST FOR SOMEONE TO REASSURE ME IM NOT ALONE. BUT EVERYONE WANTS ME TO BE ALONE. NO ONE GIVES A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT ME. NO ONE CARES IF IM ALONE. NO ONE FUCKING CARES IF I DIE ALONE. NO ONE CARES IF IM UNLOVED. NO ONE CARES IF I EVER FIND LOVE. NOT ONE PERSON GIVES A FUCKING DAMN ABOUT ME. IM EXHAUSTED. IM TIRED OF BEING SO PAINFULLY ALONE ALL THE DAMN TIME. IM SK TIRED OF EVERYONE HATING ME FOR NO FUCKING REASON. FINE. I GET IT. I FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHERE I FALL IN PEOPLES LIVES. I KNOW I DINT MATTER TO ANYONE

#maybe i’ll fucking die sooner rather than later #cause i know no one is ever gonna love me