#im gonna try to look for it myself too

[starry-bi-sky]

Stuck in the middle of a forest made of

Flesh and bones and they're all scared of

A lost little boy who has lost his heart

Fear's not enough, they have to

Tear him apart —-------

There are two things Daniel Fenton knows that his family knows as well: 

He’s adopted.

He can’t remember anything else before that.  

‘Adoption’ is a loose term, implying that they went through the official legal processes and troubles of adopting a child into their home willingly, and with the full intention of doing so going into it. That is not what happened. What happened is that Jasmine Fenton found a half-dead child, in strange clothing, in the middle of the woods at her Aunt Alicia’s cabin, and then she went and got her parents. 

What happened is that a twelve year old Danny woke up in the same cabin, wearing clothes much too big on him that didn’t belong to him, and with very little memory of before that moment. He wakes up like a spring being set loose, sitting up so fast he scares the daylights out of Jasmine Fenton sitting next to him. He wakes up, reaching for his sleeve for something that isn’t there, and when it isn’t his mind stutters, like he’s tripped at the top of a steep hill. 

When they ask him for his name, he tells them, clearing muddled thoughts from his mind; Danny. He’s twelve.

(He thinks that’s his name, at least. It sounds right; it feels right. If he thinks really hard about it, he thinks he can remember someone calling him that, utter adoration in their voice. So it must be his name.) 

The Jasmine girl convinces her parents to take him home with them, and they give him the spare guest room upstairs. He has nothing to fill it with.

It’s… a strange experience, to go to a ‘new’ home when he doesn’t even remember his old one. 

The official adoption process… happens. He can’t say it’s easy, or difficult. He’s oblivious for the most of it, Jasmine intends on helping him settle in and Danny can’t say he enjoys the smothering. He learns that he is stubbornly self-independent, that’s one new thing he knows about himself. 

His adoption papers say ‘Daniel J. Fenton’. Danny remembers staring at the name ‘Daniel’ for a long, long moment, something curdling sour in his sternum. His name is Danny, that he knows. But it’s not Daniel. But he doesn’t know any other way of saying it, so he keeps his complaints to himself.

(Jack Fenton boisterously claps his hand on Danny’s shoulder and jerks him around, grinning wide as he welcomes him into the Fenton Family. Danny’s mind blanches at the touch on his shoulder, an instinct snapping like the maw of a snake, telling him to cut off the man’s fingers for daring to touch him.) 

(He keeps the thought to himself, tension rising up his shoulders the longer Jack Fenton’s heavy hand stays on him.) 

They found Danny in the summer. It’s a perfect coincidence, Maddie Fenton says before she goes back into her lab with Jack Fenton. She says it’s enough time to allow Danny to adjust; that they’ll enroll him into the school year in the fall. Then she stuffs a canister of ectoplasm onto the top shelf, and disappears like the ghosts she studies back down the stairs.  

(There’s something eerily familiar about the ectoplasm sitting in the fridge, something unsettlingly so. Danny knows what that stuff is, but he doesn’t know where. When the house is empty, he takes a can from the fridge and inspects it.)

Jazz wants him to leave the house. Danny doesn’t want to step foot outside of the FentonWorks building until he has something that quells the feeling of vulnerability he gets whenever he does. He tried to once, and he felt exposed. Unsafe. 

He turned back around and went inside.

—-------

Where do we go

When the river's running slow

Where do we run

When the cats kill one by one

—------

One day, when the house is empty — or, as empty as it can be; the Fenton parents down in the lab, and jazz out with friends. Danny is making a sandwich, and he caves into the urge to flip the knife in his hands between his fingers. A childish impulse, but one he falls for nonetheless. It comes to him easily, like second nature, in fact. The slip of the blade between his fingers is seamless, flowing with an ease like water running down the wall.  

He’s almost startled by it; his body holds memories that his mind does not. Muscles that know which way to move and twist, limbs that know how to hold and how to throw. He continues twirling it, fascinated, as if he were a scientist discovering a new species of animal. 

It’s not for a handful of minutes when a new thought hits him; an impulsive thought that pops in the back of his mind like a firecracker; Danny moves without thinking. 

He turns, and throws the knife. The pull of his shoulder, the flick of his elbow, is familiar like a hug. He knows when to let go, and the blade flies through the air in impressive speed, embedding itself into the wall with a hearty, loud thunk. Sinking into the drywall like butter. 

Danny stares at it in shock, he feels relieved — about what? — before he feels the guilt. He scrambles across the kitchen to pull it out, heart racing in his chest at being caught, and prays no one notices the hole it left behind. 

(He runs up the stairs before anyone can find him, food forgotten, and hides the knife beneath his mattress like a guilty murder weapon.)

After that, he leaves the house more. It’s more out of fear of being caught than the desire to leave. But Danny is quickly learning that among all things, he is someone who was dangerous, before he lost his memory. Even with his mind in fractures, he is still dangerous. 

He’s not sure how to feel about that — he thinks he should be scared. He feels a little proud, instead.

—------

Hazel beneath our claws

While we wait for cerulean to cry

Unsettled ticks run through time

Enough for the hunt to go awry

—-----

There’s another thing he learns about himself. That he knows about since he woke up. He knows that he left someone behind. He doesn’t know who, but he knows they must have been close; he’s always looking down and finding himself surprised when the only shadow he sees is his own. 

He thinks that he must have sung to them a lot; he finds himself humming familiar melodies when he’s lost in thought. Lullabies lingering at the tip of his tongue, an instinct to turn and sing them to someone beside him. He can’t remember the lyrics, but his mouth does, it tries to get him to say them when he’s not thinking. He can’t. 

Danny’s found himself humming under his breath more times than he can count, trying to recall whatever it is his mind is trying to claw forward. 

(“That’s a pretty song, Danny.” Jazz tells him at breakfast one day, Danny screws his mouth shut. He hadn’t realized he was humming. “What is it?”) 

(Something mean and possessive rears its head on instinct, uncoiling like a snake from its ball. His shoulders hunch defensively, he bites his cheek to prevent himself from baring his teeth. He doesn’t know what song it is, but it’s not for her. “I don’t know.”)  

He misses his person. Dearly. He knows, the longer he is without them, that they must have been close. Otherwise, he wouldn’t feel like he’s missing a chunk from himself. He wouldn’t be turning to someone who's not there; reaching for a hand that’s missing, birdsong on his tongue, a story to tell. 

A dream haunts him one night. Warm and familiar, he’s holding onto someone smaller than him, they’re tucked into his side like a puzzle piece. He’s humming one of his songs that is always playing in the back of his mind, an unfinished tale of a harpy and a hare. Danny can’t remember their face, not all of it. He remembers green eyes, hair dark like his own, skin brown like his. 

He loves them more than anything else in the world, a fact he knows down to his soul. He loves them so much it fills his heart with sunlight. Danny squeezes them tight, nuzzling into their hair; he makes them laugh. Then, he proudly boasts something. That when he takes something of their father’s, that his person — a sibling? That feels right — will be… the word fades from Danny’s mind before he can make sense of it. 

His person hugs him tight, his… brother? And their mother — a woman whose face he can’t remember either, but who he loves like a limb nonetheless — appears, smiling. Her hands reach for them both, voice calling them, ‘her sons’. There’s ticking in the distance, it sounds like the fastening of chains.

Danny wakes up cold, tears streaming down his face. The details of the dream already fading from his mind like the cold pull of a corpse.   

—-------

Harpy hare

Where have you buried all your children?

Tell me so I say

—-------

When school starts that Fall, Danny joins the sixth grade class, and quickly learns more things about himself. One of those things being that he’s smarter than the rest of his grade, whatever education he had before, it was better than the one he’s getting now. 

Everyone knows he’s adopted right off the bat. He tells them when the teacher forces himself to introduce himself, but it’s not like they needed him to tell them for them to know; he never existed in their little world before now, and the Fentons are pale as they come. Danny is not.

He befriends Sam Manson and Tucker Foley; they ask him about the scars fading up and down his arms, they ask him about the scar carved diagonal across his face.

Danny, as politely as he can, tells them he doesn’t remember. He thought kindness would come second nature to him, his dream burned into his mind where he hugged his brother so sweetly. Apparently, his sweetness is only second nature to people he considers his own. 

(It becomes even more apparent when Dash Baxter tries to bully him later that day, and Danny ruffles like an eagle threatened. His mind whispers, hissy and agitated, sinking like a shadow at his shoulder, several different ways Danny could kill him for talking to him like that, and fifteen more ways he could cripple him.)

(Danny ignores those thoughts, up until Dash Baxter tries to grab him. Then he breaks his nose on the wood of his desk. It’s easy how quickly the rest of his grade sinks him down to the status of social pariah.)

(At least Sam and Tucker still talk to him after that. When Danny goes to the principal’s office later, he wisely doesn’t mention the worse things he could’ve done than break Dash Baxter’s nose.)  

—--------------

It clicks and it clatters in corners and borders

And they will never

Hear me here listen to croons and a calling

I'll tell them all the

Story, the sun, and the swallow, her sorrow

Singing me the tale of the Harpy and the Hare

—-------

More dreams come, of course they do. Each one halfway to forgotten whenever he wakes up, ticking faint in his ears. He is many different ages. He is young, shorter than a table. He is older, holding onto his little brother. He is singing in almost every single one. He is singing to his brother. 

Danny can barely remember the lyrics, he’s begun leaving a journal by his bedside so that it’s the first thing he can write down when he wakes up. He’s a storyteller, he learns. He feels like a historian, trying to piece together a culture long dead and forgotten. 

His most vivid dream-like memory is not a happy one, and for once he’s almost relieved he barely recalls it. He is somewhere that isn’t home, but his mother and brother are there. He is dressed in black, blades keen in his hands. 

They are atop a moving train. They are fleeing something. His brother is struggling to keep up, he is small, and young. It’s beautifully sunny, they are somewhere green and lovely. 

It is a fast dream. 

His brother stumbles on something, and Danny, fast as a whip, snatches him by the back of his shirt and hoists him up to his feet before he can fall. “Watch your feet, habibi.” He murmurs low, a hand on his back. It’s hard to hear, there is wind in their ears.

His brother, face obscured in all but his eyes, which are green as emeralds, nods. 

The dream blurs, but Danny falls behind. His foot catches on air — impossible, it should’ve been, at least. He never trips. — and he lands against the roof with a thud and a grunt. His mother and brother stop, and turn for him. 

The train hits a turn before Danny can get up, and he shouldn’t have, something pulls on him, he swears, but he slips. He can’t find the purchase to pull himself up, cold fear hits him as his nails scrape against the metal. 

His mother and brother’s horrified faces are the last thing he sees before he disappears off the side of the train. 

(The ticking is at its loudest when he wakes up, pounding against his inner skull. He only manages to write down ‘train fall’ in his journal, before he’s flipping over to press his head into his pillow to get the pain to stop.) 

—---  

She can't keep them all safe

They will die and be afraid

Mother, tell me so I say

(Mother, tell me so I say)

—-------

When Danny is fourteen he is still humming songs he can’t remember, his mind still in a broken puzzle. But his room is now decorated with stars and plants in every corner. He has a guitar he keeps in the corner of his room, and he plays the lullabies in his head on the strings over and over again. 

The ectoplasm in the fridge still unsettles him, still reminds him of a past he can’t recall. The knife beneath his mattress has returned to the kitchen — he doesn’t need it. He found a box in the attic last year, it had his name on it, and inside he found familiar, strange clothes, and more weapons than he thought was possible to carry on one person. 

(Even without knowing that the Fentons prefer guns to blades, Danny knows, instinctively, that they were his weapons. He was — was? Is — a dangerous person. He takes the box down to his room to sort through. The weapons all fit into his callused hands almost perfectly — the grooves worn to fit his palm. They’re just a little small.) 

(He tentatively takes a small blade with him to school one day, and feels much more comfortable with it sheathed beneath his shirt. He’s kept it on him ever since, like he’s reunited a lost limb to himself.)   

Danny doesn’t have a name for his person, his little brother, nor does he have a name for his beloved mother. He’s haunted by dreams every few weeks, many of them repeating. He’s ingrained the words he can remember to memory, and the ones he doesn’t, he writes down in his journal. His little brother; Danny calls him a bird, he can’t figure out what kind. His little bird of some kind; when Danny takes something from their father — what, he can’t remember what — then his little brother will be a little bird. 

(He doesn’t have a name for his brother, yet, but he’s calling his birdie in his head. It’s better than nothing.)

—------

Seeker, do you ever come to wonder

If what you're looking for is within where you hold

Will you leave a trail for them to follow a path

You'll soon forget

Home

—---------

When he’s fourteen, Danny dies. It does nothing to fix his fractured memories, much to his consternation. It just confirms something he already knows; that he was someone dangerous, and that he still is. 

When the shock of death has worn off, Danny inspects his ghost in the metal reflection of the closest table. It’s blurry, hard to see, but shock green eyes pierce back at him, green like the portal. Lazarus, Danny’s mind whispers, and he blinks rapidly.

‘Lazarus,’ he mouths to himself. It’s familiar. Sam shows him with her phone what he looks like, joking that he looks like an assassin. Danny doesn’t think she’s that too far off. 

He doesn’t tell her that. He tucks the thought away with the rest of his secrets, and fiddles with the hood gathering at his neck, attached to a cape with torn edges swinging down to his ankles. He pulls it over his shock white hair. It shadows over his face impossibly so, until all you can see are his green-green eyes peering out like a wolf hiding in the brush.

He ends up calling himself Phantom. 

(Maybe now he can start putting lyrics to his lullabies; his memories may not have returned, locked away with the sound of a clock, but the dead can talk. One of them may just have answers.) 

----------

Home is where we are

Home is where you are

Home is where I am

-----------------

Dedicated to @gascansposts for being the one who introduced me to the band Yaelokre, and thus being the whole reason I was inspired to write this in the first place >:] Those lyrics at the line breaks are all from their album Hayfields.

#dpxdc #dp x dc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc crossover #dpxdc crossover #dpdc #danyal al ghul au #amnesiac danyal al ghul au #songs in order of the album: the hartebeest / harpy hare / and the hound / neath the grove is a heart #musician danny has my heart and soul #yes this danyal IS an alternative danny from the other au. an au where things were a little better :) but still sucks #implied good mom talia al ghul #danyal is a momma's boy send tweet #dpxdc ficlet #dpxdc prompts #dp x dc au #dp x dc fanfic #danyal is sTILL five years older than damian in this au #no beta no edits we die like danny fenton #poc danny fentons #i didnt know where to end this :(( i was gonna go on but i blanked. i thought about going into his relationships with his rogues and so on. #but that felt too much like trying to just increase the word count rather than actually writing?? if that makes sense #ugh im gonna have forgotten to include things and im gonna be kicking myself later #morally ambiguous danny whoo! we love to see it #since this was just for fun it doesnt really go into it all that much other than like. it happens. and that danny realizes he's dangerous #phantom in a hazmat suit? nah phantom looking like an assassin >:]. #danyal al ghul with damian and his mom: 🥰🌸✨ #danyal al ghul with everyone else: 👹🔪 #am i heavily implying that clockwork had smth to do with Danyal’s amnesia and appearance by the cabin? 👀 maybe #not enough danyal al ghul aus where him being an assassin actually. has some kind of affect on him

[melatien]

tiny yoichi (unwillingly) lures out soldiers by being his helplessness little self so his brother can strike

#bases are the most reliable way to find food afo found! #yoichi is crying bcuz he pitys them <3 #not because hes nervous #im gonna be honest i made this idea up on the spot when drawing this #pewdiepies new art video awakened something in me I NEEDED TO REMIND MYSELF I CAN STIL DRAW BANGERS TOO #i didnt disappoint myself!!!! competitiveness is my enemy and my bestie literally #anyways his right eye was an absolute horrendous nightmare to draw it was going so well until i did the hair then it ruined the eye #i actually thought yoichi was wearing shoes at this age but then i looked back at those chapters and realised yoichi was shoeless #WITH ONLY A BANDAGE ON HIS FOOT??!?!!?!? agony #can yoichi not make me wish he had something good in life for ONE SECOND #think of this as like how he responded to afo killing those people that (presumably) beat yoichi up beforehand #we dont know if hes crying because his brother is killing or if he was crying before being 'saved' #ill try do some fluff art soon ive been really interested in body horror related art lately so i wanted to play around!!! #i have a BUNCH of ideas written down ive yet to do #i just keep doing whatever i feel like #i am the master of ignoring the instructions and winging it #mha #my art #yoichi shigaraki #one for all #my hero academia #first ofa user #shigaraki yoichi #mha yoichi #tiny yoichi #tiny yoichi in his shabby little clothes #ive actually been dying to draw tiny yoichi again but KIDS ARE SO HARD TO DRAW!!!!! #i had an art moment though #HALLEJUHAH #art gods had my back fr

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

this is how it feels to chew 5 gum being a barnaby/howdy enjoyer. im Unwell

#im just staring at a wall rotating them in my brain. constantly. no coherent thoughts theyre just There #its like... hate to Expose myself but yk that one supernatural episode #that was filmed like a mockumentary by the Ghost Hunter Guys. yk the episode with the 'gay love saves the day' quote #yeah yk the scene where the guys are screaming trying to escape cas but everywhere they turn / each door they open Cas Is There #that is also what it feels like being a laughingstock enthusiast #im trying to escape it. i cant. theyre Everywhere. #i go to sleep thinking about them. i wake up and theyre one of my first thoughts #ITS TOO MUCH! theyre too good.... #if youre reading this and youre like 'theyre cute but i dont really ship them' #Its Already Too Late. #cause thats how i felt. i thought they were gonna be a silly nonserious concept in the back of my mind #a crackship yk #look at me now... #laughingstock #i thought franklydear was gonna be The Welcome Home Pairing for me #i love them so so so much theyre everything but laughingstock is More. Somehow. #then again! we'll see what new characters and dynamics arise in the future! things may change! #but for now... mentol ellness over the dog and the caterpillar #that sounds like a childrens book lmfao

[transsextual]

had a really incredible moment this evening. went to my campus art market where one of my friends was selling the tank top i'm wearing - another friend bought it for me and i'm so overjoyed to have it. usually a fit that leans more Traditionally Masculine feels like a costume but tonight it just felt deeply correct and honest and warm. took the opportunity to take some indulgent little pictures because i do not think i have Ever looked more like myself. so happy.

#im like. slowly gently exploring butchness & ... what it means to me & ... trying to release the idea that it requires Masculinity.... #ive always felt pretty disconnected from masculinity as a whole but i'm starting to find points of entry that resonate really deeply #& along with that is like... esp when it comes 2 kink & leather & butchness - which r not intrinsically related but to me they r connected #theres this idea that like. i'm taking myself too seriously. and that nobody's gonna take me seriously. and that i'm too little too young #that im like #obviously inexperienced and a joke and failing and looking stupid . #but ... realized recently that . that's really just the trauma talking #and that i can just like. try shit out. and notice how it feels + what comes up #and then try it again if i so wish #and nothing i try has to be permanent or defining ... and that like . my desires and comforts and joys and needs Should Be Taken Seriously #soooo much of my like. impostor syndrome . has to do with worrying that im not doing it right when compared to other men #but like.... most of the kinky men / leathermen i see are 35+ and cis . #of course im not doing it like them . #so . looking to the queers i know. especially my fellow transmascs as well as lesbians . for like. reassurance and inspiration #has been very healing . & good for my heart & my soul. #:) #yeah . #i think i gotta go read butch is a noun. ... yeah #goodnight :) #speak #materialization #ok2rb

[ganondoodle]

i dont like making art tutorials, not just bc my way of drawing and my knowledge about it changes daily but mostly bc i know saying sth wrong can do quite a bit of damage too, even if it was well meant its been many years by now but i once saw an art tutorial that said characters CANNOT have a certain body shape bc its unnatural (false) and will inevitably make them look bloated/pregnant and its put fear in my head that still lingers in my mind whenever i draw fat characters even tho i know better by now

#ganondoodles talks #art talk #random #might just be a me problem #and no its obviously NOT stopping me from drawing fat characters #but i could never truly forget it and i still ask myself is this -correct tm- or am i making this character look like sth i dont want #it was widely shared too if i remember right #and im not trying to shame that artist that made it #but still #my little brain unfortunately took it by heart and its never truly gonna go away #............also tutorials take a long time to make look good and i never have the energy for it

[bananacockatiel]

Remember when i used to draw aha

Have Sage art that i finally forking finished after literal months of neglecting it

Also don’t look at it too hard ples and fankyew

I miss my cat man,,, miss him so much,,,

#its 2am and im just gonna post it #bahala na #if i find any mistakes then ill simply perish #this has been collecting dust for way too long #tbh i just did not want to even try tackling the armor #speaking of #PLS DONT LOOK AT THE ARMOR TOO HARD PLES #I BEG #tis my first time drawing armor and i just HAD to do some strong lighting #cause i hate myself ofc #anyways how has everyone been #hope the brain worms are still wigglin #cause mine are lowkey being revived #i miss my babes #last legacy #fictif #fictif last legacy #sage lesath #last legacy sage #fictif games #fictif sage #last legacy fictif #last legacy felix #last legacy rime #last legacy anisa

[sixoclockuty]

more comics?

fallen luck is finished but more comics will happen probably. next up is a shitpost about starlo’s no mercy route death but it’s fortnite

#asks #i’m joking i swear #(im not) #look i just watched that scene so many times trying to beat ceroba you gotta understand #i had to entertain myself somehow #dw guys i got plans for an axis comic too soon ! gonna work on it over the weekend probablyy #and it’ll be two parts so :)

[favoredspawn]

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 screenshots #astarion #bg3 astarion #astarion ancunin #virtual photography #mine #reshade #i took way too long with this bc i had trouble w dof and had to shoehorn it in myself #im gonna keep trying white/gold themes w astarion until i feel like i get something i like #a little tricky finding the right look for depthdarkness with a white bg lol

[mikodaiyo]

I saw everyone else drawing a full moon & wanted to join!

#sesskag #sesshomaru #kagome #sesshomaru x kagome #inuyasha #my art #ok ANYWAY #I was very excited to do the pantssssss i love this denim palette+brush its so fun #and less daunting to draw clothes! well modern clothes #I liked playing with brushes on this! I loosened my wrist and let it do what it wanted to kagome's hair #and I actually like ittt I have to remind myself hair is not just a dead thing on your head 💀 on my hairspray shit😆 #I just needed to play and loosen up and focus on something elseeee anything else 😩 sesskag is nice its calming #I actually like looking at this omg I'm like next time i feel like going all out #I'm going to reference this photo because there are thingsssss #i wanted kagome's hair to pop more since its kinda the main feature AND I think I accomplished that #I could render it more but...nnnahhhh nah that's my too much gene trying to get out #Im gonna recharge and render the hair even better next time #and sess' hair fringe/bangs are getting harder and easier its weird #yoart

[snekdood]

bitches be like. i hate vegans so much that i’ve decided i like killing animals and its fine and i dont feel bad and animals dont have feelings and its fine and im cool subversive and different and edgy and like to post fucked up stuff to make vegans uncomfortable bc im just so cool

#you sound like every cishet republican man to me #you're not a Cool Subversive Leftist you're literally regressing by seeing animals as just objects of your pleasure and thats it lmao #im sorry but you dont just get to throw out all of veganism. it does infact have some roots in leftism. #you can sit there and cope with the fact you agree w some vegan talking point by calling it 'animal welfare' all you want #doesnt change the fact that a lot of those ideas in those circles were formed by vegans. #damn woooah vegans arent a monolith and dont all agree on the same shit woooahhh who knew #literally i have no idea how we even got to this point or how this would be surprising. #when i was on vegan twitter bitches were arguing all the fucking time within it. ur really gonna sit ther en tell me they're all secret #eco fash that hates native ppl and people who have to eat meat? ya sure??? #you would think the individuals on tumblr- of all places- would understand how frustrating it would be to be grouped in with the worst #members of their community as if you represent them and are the sole spokesperson #you'd think they'd hate when someone jumps to conclusions about them based on their lifestyle #but naur. i think yall take it too personally. as if a vegan just being in a room is somehow trying to force you to be vegan. #literally grow tf up. #if a vegan being in the same room with you triggers feelings in you that you Have to stop eating meat- i really think thats a you problem #bud. homeboy hasnt even spoke to you leta lone look at you and apparently you feel this weird pressure now #idk man dont you think that pressure might be coming within?? maybe.... you do infact feel things and feel a lil guilty abt eating meat? #not telling you to stop... i still eat meat here n there. but at least im honest with myself about how it makes me feel to do it. #its infact normal to take a second to think about the loss someone made in exploitation to provide you with whatever. #if you can let yourself feel a lil guilt about buying a fast fashion thing you can sure as fuck finally extend your fuckin empathy to #animals and stop treating them like objects or toys.

[todayisafridaynight]

sister saw me wearing the puffer that i use for my daigo cosplay since im cold all the time and sweaters arent enough and she was just like 'i really like it :) you look so. 👊💥' and after going What she was like 'you look real cool :) is what i meant :)' like thank you sister of mine youre too silly for this life

#snap chats #like she punched the air and made a punch sound effect fwrjflkjle #i mean she is not. WRONG with miming that about this jacket so 💀💀💀💀 #also funny im wearing my own cross necklace and a black shirt and pants. lmao #also yeah i have two puffers- one's meant for the rain and REALLY cold weather and the second one's just. Casual/Daigo #'why are you like this' cause the other puffer's way too buiky fr casual wear and daigo and the interior isn't black like his is #this one's more slim and has a black interior. which is so funny cause when i was looking for a puffer for daigo years ago #it was impossible finding such a thing specifically but i got bored and decided to look again recently and i found it on the first page #for like. three cents basically too fejLRKjELj so thats cool. cant wait to show it off at animenyc #no im actually so excited bout animenyc ... hopefully i can actually. attend a meetup unlike last time 💀 #i also didnt get to go last year so itll be fun going to a con again .. #im just stoked in general bout the small-but-meaningful-edits-to-me ive done to the whole look #s'gonna be fun .. AND im gonna try tweaking my mine one too since i got compelled to do That with all the mine talk lately #idk when id show that one off if ever. UNLUCKY that i hate taking pics of myself no one ever gets to see my cosplays unless its video form #ok im done rambling i have some stuff to do before i take an exam bye

[mcybree]

if i start answering asks from months ago you guys have to promise not to give me weord looks

#IM SO BAD AT ANSWERING ASKS. I LOVE ASKS #but i get one and i go uhhhh uhhhh how do i explain this. Now ive been trying to answer asks as i get them #But ive still been slacking a bit #bree barks so fucking loud #Im gonna need to suck it up and answer those two DL ones from a while back to the best of my ability even though its all very speculatory #and goes off of like. Stepping back and looking at patterns in his behavior to fill in blanks rather than using direct evidence #because the direct evidence says scott never gave too much of a fuck about pearl WHEN HE DIDDD HE DID #but direct evidence is my best friend so its been hard #edit: noticed the typo… cant bring myself to kill him

[frecklystars]

god im so excited for the Barbie movie today. I might be a bit tense while seeing my triggers on screen but honestly I’ve been doing so so so well handling my ptsd the last few weeks and I'm very proud of myself!!!!!

there’s a few triggers I’ve been actively working on reclaiming and I KNOW I’m going to be okay watching the movie bc I am not letting anybody take this from me. I know I’m gonna wanna see it more than once. I even bought myself a cute pink skirt for it ;w;

#I’m gonna wear pink glitter in my hair too for opening night #woof #like i know im gonna be rly tense but i have been doing SO much better than i was just a month ago #if anything ill just be incredibly tense at first. but i genuinely think ill relax more as the movie progresses #bc ive been using grounding techniques for months and ive been working so goddamn hard to reclaim pink #WHICH IS SUCH HUGE PROGRESS FOR ME to think back to january when i couldnt look at pink at ALL #and i think seeing pink literally every single second for 2 hours straight in the barbie movie #is gonna also help my brain be like 'oh hey everything is fine' help it to become desensitized #bc ive been doing exposure therapy and im doing so much better than i was even just one month ago!!!!!!! #barbie is my girlfriend. and ken is my boyfriend. and i have two hands they can hold #god!!! you know how many barbies im gonna kiss!!!!! SO MANY #this is MY movie i have been so fucking excited to see!! its my number one favorite thing ive been looking forward to!!!! #i have wanted to see this! so! fucking! badly! and fuck anybody who tried to ruin that for me #i dont want ptsd to control my life #i feel like im riding a bull and gripping it by the horns while its trying to kick me off while im yelling Not Today Bitch #thats what trying to reclaim triggers feels like #but i can fucking feel it working i can feel myself getting better with some of these triggers i cant believe it #and i think just a year from now most of these triggers wont be severe anymore #which is my goal. i dont even need them to be cured completely i just want to function normally #cannot tell u how fucking unreal it is to have so many triggers that are like. normal everyday stuff #colors. clothes. phrases. transformers. im taking ALL of that shit back #STARTING WITH PINK ONE OF MY FAVORITE GODDAMN COLORS 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 #THE EMOJI LOOKS RED ON DESKTOP BUT THAT IS OKAY.

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

#quick vent Look Away Nothing To See Here #i just needed to place my emotions somewhere before i really started to spiral #texts from cherished friends should not cause nausea-level anxiety! and yet! #here i am! running away from the ever-present miasma of guilt and stress! #you know a few months ago i was like 'im going to be better about responding im going to do better' #i Immediately started doing Worse! #i think i stressed myself out too much #pretty much every relationship i have ends up completely deteriorating due to my own insecurities and guilt and fucked up brain <3 #ah yes and how could i forget the Commitment Issues and Emotional Block #mentally i am banging my head into a wall #but its fine Its Fine #i mean its not. its really not. but sometimes it seems like the harder i try the harder i fail #which is something i should be used to by now! #okay so it looks like i Am Indeed spiraling so #i am going to go... list some good things in this world and uhhh #well i dont have the car this weekend so cant go for a drive and some boba. um. #i need to organize my room table Yes that sounds distracting and falsely productive #not gonna tag this with anything actually. #love treating tumblr like my personal diary #ah yes its just me. my personal feelings. and the couple thousand people that follow me. #perhaps i will also buy something online with one of the gift cards i found the other day #buttons from michaels!!! i need buttons! i will go do that! #with the knowledge that i have unopened messages to respond to looming in the back of my mind like a noose! yippee yahoo!!! #gonna... turn of replies/rbs just this once since its just a Vent #i just needed to get it Out yk? not looking for anything other than relieving pressure on my brain #ok it looks like i cant turn of replies for individual posts #just... pretend you didnt see this for both our sakes <3 #look away look away

[the-kipsabian]

#ive had. extremely hard time already processing this year tbh #both old grief and new grief. its just a lot #i know i dont have to do everything immediately. things dont have to get better overnight and most likely they wont #i mean. they havent #just. saw this and it made me think. probably too much but im an emotional mess at all times either way #i would just like things to be different. i know its a lot to ask and its mostly in my hands for myself but.. yeah #its just not easy. and im not dealing with it very well. i dont know #been trying to tell myself the usual. time doesnt heal it changes you. im going through difficult things and thats okay #i just.. i guess i just hoped this year would be different. so far it hasnt been its been worse #i dont know what the point of me posting this is. i just need to vent a little i guess #this is not gonna be an easy week for me and im not looking forward to it. like said grief is a very difficult thing for me #difficult and new. im trying but its hard. i dont know how im gonna make it this year #anyways. sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[skrunksthatwunk]

went back to the sketchbooks around when i was going through yyh for the first time in 2019 and found a pile of near-yearly sticky note updates about my relationship with the series next to my first yyh doodles, a page full of kuwabaras. thought it'd be fun to share

+ more thoughts and old yyh art below

(it's crazy i didn't find any kurama-centric pages for months bc i think he's the one i doodled in the margins of class notes and stuff the most. his hair's pwetty and he gives me the least trouble outta any of the main 4)

something i noticed while skimming the two sketchbooks i took these from was how mean i was to myself at the time about my art. i guess it hit me more because i don't really spend hours going through my old sketchbooks over and over to track my progress and growth like i used to quite often. i guess it was only a little after when my self esteem was lowest (8th grade, tale as old as time), but... idk. i knew back then that i'd grown a lot in the few years since i started drawing more seriously (that's why i looked through my art so much), but like... i guess that never translated into being nice to myself about it. i ended up going back through about ten more sketchbooks to find more yyh art, and in the coming years i'm glad to say that negativity in the margins went away. hell yeah

but even so, my love for yyh was a constant and effusive thing, as it is now. it's probably the oldest of my current media interests. i watched myself get into rgg and develop my ocs and watched others fade in and out, watched my style loop back on itself and go all over the place, passed by pages of writing about crushes and album releases and gender discoveries and my grandparents dying, all surrounded by little drawings of the characters i love. including kuwabara in a maid dress right next to my dead grandma grief rambling that one time (no i'm not kidding. my grandma died in like late 2020 and the page where i poured my heart out after finding out she was gone just trying to process everything had one with catboy maid dress kuwabara directly opposite it, who i'd drawn like the evening before she died in her sleep. he killed my grandma from like 100 miles away he was that powerful. that wasn't even the last time i drew him like that and i don't even care about catboys or maid dresses much. i think it was just a bigger meme and he was the guy i most associated with cats. i put that man in a situation and he fucking got her because the book couldn't contain him. some victor frankenstein shit. anyway)

i took about 150 pictures, most with multiple sketches. i decided not to add any more though bc 1) i posted some of them on old accounts but i don't remember which ones, and tbh i value my anonymity a little too much 2) All Of The Pictures Turned Out Bad in ways i don't feel like getting into but just trust me it's like 6 layers of fucked up illegible image bullshit 3) i found it hard to narrow it down to things i felt were indicative of the development or interesting or anything like that. idk. i figured it was an interesting exercise for me and it probably wouldn't really mean anything to anyone else. and that's ok :) it was nice anyway. i mostly mention it to be like Oh My God i've drawn these guys a lot and i STILL don't know what i'm doing... :| it's fun

however i did transcribe the notes i left:

7/9/19: yo it's been less than a week & i'm on ep. 80 wtf i love this show

8/14/20: 1/2way thru my 3rd watch (first dub, first [with older sibling]) & honestly still love it & kuwabara being the first one i drew makes me happy

7/28/21: i'm watching it w/ [younger sibling] now! 4th(ish) watch, 2nd time through the dub, which is so much better than the sub really elevates the text. we're at the semifinals of the DT, which means this is technically my 5th time through yyh up until that point but eh semantics anyway i still love & obsess over yyh! <3

1/14/24 (present day): hey, i'm rewatching yyh for the.. idk 5th or 6th time. still love it & never stopped. now i'm writing fic & drawing & posting about it. i have friends i talk to about it. [both siblings] have seen it. so much has changed, and so little, but it made me sad seeing how much i insulted my own art. i love you 2019 me. god knows you needed it

[+ this drawing]:

anyway. forever fornever. if you even care

#that's all. just kind of a personal post i thought was neat. skrunklore #skrunkart #yyh #yu yu hakusho #you can really feel the 14 y/o in a lot of the little notes and stuff but that too is part of the growth and change im trying to celebrate. #ripping my fingernails off about it but it needs to be done #also the hearts are because they love each other. and also me in like a cheering you on kinda way #ok more lore but around jr year i started feeling like my art was getting worse or at least stagnating and i kind of wished i could go back #to the era where a lot of that art is from bc there were little things i was better at and also bc i was much more prolific and adventurous #and while i'm sympathetic to it looking back after another couple of years it's like nah. no i was still growing i was just too close to se #like i'll be like oughh i haven't grown at all in years >:(( and then i'll look at the art i made over the course of 2023 and go oh nvm lol #some of it was more 'getting back into the swing of things' + traditional and tech issues being resolved but there was also growth #there is also stuff to be proud of and there always is and there always will be. that goes for you too reader #no matter what your art does or does not look like. i guess that's part of why im posting this too #part of what got me into visual art was seeing how people's art changed (sketchbook tours). it's cool and seeing that learning process so #well preserved and so easily analyzed kinda activated something in my brain. i think it got me past a lot of the 'im just not talented' #stuff a lotta ppl have that keeps them from drawing or sharing it or whatever. anyway art's cool i love art. gonna go draw now probably :D #ALSO really funny watching the way i drew myself change. all in ways that make sense but still funny to me. long hair glasses girl you'd #probably keel over if you saw what we look like now. hell yeah