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oviids · 3 years

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pls share some of your spn fic recs 🥺🥺

ok, a few things first:

followers and mutuals who do not have supernatural brainworms, kindly avert your eyes

i don’t normally rec or even read much fanfic any more but this is a CRISIS ok (cont.)

there is so. much. content for deancas out there and i have incredibly high standards, several ancient ao3 bookmarks, can speedread, and want to spare you guys the experience of wading through it all.

i also have a section for spn femslash since I was pretty into that back in the day (sadly a lot less fan content for this :/)

I don’t really like au’s or pure smut (I honestly usually just skim or skip those scenes) so if you’re mainly looking for that kind of thing this probably won’t be very helpful to you. jsyk.

i’m not great at describing stuff but i’ll do my best, i’ll also try and add tw’s when neccesary.

i wil try and keep updating this with any other decent fics i find, feel free to rec stuff too since i’m like 7 years behind.(edit 1/25/21) this is getting looooong so i’m going to start making another list on my spn blog rather than update this one

(edit 1/3/21) since this has gotten pretty long i’ve added rating/approximate word counts and marked my particular favorites with an asterisk.

Dean/Cas fic:

So Says The Sword*** - explicit/85k. FUCK its good...au/time travel where dean is not pulled out of hell by cas and says yes to becoming the michael sword. honestly could serve as an alternative to actually watching the show, if you want to get into dean/cas without actually doing that to yourself.

Fata morgana.* - teen/6k, pst s9 finale. very bela centric and i love it, she finds cas looking for dean in hell.

Redemption Road -misc/600+k. an incredibly long fic from a collaborative writing group back in the day. canon divergent from the end of s6 on, has a cool take on godstiel and the leviathans, as well as the lovecratian mythos connection. ngl when i reread it i only made it about 28% in but imo the casual reader can actually stop around there, the rest concerns a lovecraftian apocalypse that is still good (i think i don’t remember it very well) but not required to enjoy the first half. if you prefer i have an ebook version i can send you on gdrive.

Someone Who's Feeling For Me* - mature/45k, s12. they run into lisa braeden and dean thinks cas is into her while cas thinks dean still likes her. treats lisa way better than the show ever did and the miscommunication is pretty funny rather than annoying.

a turn of the earth - mature/95k. time travel fic where cas from s10 keeps showing up in deans life from a few years before s1 to right before the hellhounds take his soul. slow burn, good character study, and at one point cas punches the dad in the face and it rules.

On the Wings of War - teen/85k, canon divergent s5. dean accidentally becomes the Horseman of War. plays fun, fast and loose with biblical lore, michael has some rights.

Named - mature/95k, alternate s5. EXTREMELY blasphemous in a fun sexy way. manages to predict metatron almost to a T. there’s one major character death and its literally jesus christ, everyone is very sad about it and it sets the rest of the story rolling. an alternate interpretation of cas’ mission to raise dean from hell which had me on the floor. ngl its kind of misogynistic at points, but its from 2010 and tracks with late oughts-2010 spn (sorry anna the author did you dirty here:/).

The Girlfriend Experience - explicit/15k. uhhh i don’t normally rec or even read smutty stuff unless someone i know is specifically asking for it but this has stuff like sam trying to be a good ally and dean thinking holding hands with cas is ‘kinda gay :/’ minutes after having gay sex with him.

i crippled your heart a hundred times - explicit/19k, s8. cas confesses his feelings and dean spends a long time getting his head out of his ass about it. truly hits different after the actual confession, despite being written six years early it feels like its actually what could have gone down more or less if the writers weren’t talentless demons who hate us.

My Roots Take Flight** - mature/125k. reverse au where cas is a hunter and dean’s an angel...OR IS IT???? an alternate retelling of s4. tw for briefly being set in a psychiatric hospital/the hospital being mentioned somewhat frequently throughout the fic, plus more references to torture in hell and heaven than usual.

The One Thing You Can't Lose* - teen/4k.you know those posts about how cas is a super-strong super-tough ancient warrior but he just lets dean tug him around because he likes it? thats it thats the fic.

Hands, From Which All Things Are Built - teen/14k, post s8′s ‘goodbye stranger.’ cas is on the run with the angel tablet but keeps in touch with sam and dean by text, he and dean still manage to be terrible at Actual communication.

Autrement, Danger - or, The Account of an Exceedingly Long Day - mature/30k, post s11. a monster that takes the appearance of your soulmate leads to some wild miscommunications and dealing with years of repression, also dean gets to see cas’ true form which is always cool. tw for non-graphic mentions of underage sexual assault/sex work.

Down to Agincourt - mature/explicit/900++++k, endverse continuation. endverse!cas survives his encounter with lucifer and discovers another time-displaced dean from s7. i’ve only read the two of four parts but its really good, veeeeery slow burn, has a lot of fun oc’s and takes a rather surprising but (imo) entertaining and intriguing turn into Hellenic history and mythology. usual tw’s for endverse/endverse!cas but nothing graphic, it’s actually pretty light-hearted (relatively speaking of course).

Nothing Equals the Splendor** - explicit/8k, THEE finale fix it fic you’ve been waiting for! posits that the entire final episode was just a (very bad and lame) djinn’s vision.

like moses and batman and james dean - explicit/31k, post s8. explores dean’s trauma and internalized homophoba from his technically canon experience with sex work and its impact on his relationship with cas. the sex work itself isn’t really shown in any detail but it’s still a relatively heavy fic.

Crazy Diamonds - explicit/25k, s4/alternate s14. fresh-out-of-hell dean and dean from 10 years in the future are displaced from time and sent to each other’s present.

where the weeds take root - explicit/30k. au where the men of letters kick them out of the bunker and they accidentally move out into the country, get over their codependence and semi retire. featuring chicken coop building, sam volunteering at a dog shelter, gardening, and blissfully mundane domesticity.

No Resting Place - teen/6k. djinn dream fic, switches back and forth between cas’ dream of being married to dean and retired from hunting to the aftermath when he wakes up. tw for brief mention of suicide since, y’know, djinn dream.

any port in a storm - mature/52k. post s8 finale. cas and dean have to pose as a couple going through a rough patch for a case and actually deal with their emotional baggage, cas struggles with being human and metatron is up to stuff.

all this and heaven too* - explicit/7k. in the author’s own words ‘...a love letter to every trans person who ever projected onto Dean Winchester.’ absolutely unzipped me emotionally and theologically, its just. so good. tw for very brief mentions of internalized transphobia/dysphoria.

Because it is* - mature/6k, finale fix it. killing chuck does not bring back anyone back and the winchesters spend a very long time dealing with what they’ve lost, cas and dean SOMEHOW still manage to have signifigant communication issues even after the confession. tw for suicidal thoughts/brief attempt.

Vena Amoris and Other Old-Fashioned Bullshit* - teen/4k, s6. when cas fell for dean it automatically soulbonded/angel married them, shenanigans ensue when dean finds out during the angel’s civil war. funny and actually written back when s6 was airing so cas is still (or at least pretending to be) kind of an OP asshole which is fun.

Rinse, Repeat - teen/3k, s8. angsty character study of cas as he’s reprogrammed and trained to kill dean. not really dean/cas since its just cas’ pov of canon events but its beautifully written and ends with him snapping out of it through the power of love (also now a canon event!).

Emergence - explicit/59k, canon divergent after s11. dean meets a hunter he only recognizes as their friend claire novak’s missing father, but soon realizes he might be the answer behind the mysterious void in his memories and feelings (aka everyone’s memories of cas are completely wiped away for three years).

Cuckoo And Nest - explicit/10k, early established relationship/character study, cas tries to figure out how he fits into dean’s life and space in the bunker.

Build a Home* - teen/20k, canon divergent s12. sam and eileen are cute and turn the bunker into men of letters/hunters hq and everyone but cas moves in, mutual miscommunication issues and pining ensues.

Down in the River - teen/5k, early s8, cas prays to dean in purgatory while sam and dean try to figure out a way to get him out.

Teaching Poetry to Fish* - mature/52k, ?? BC through the entire series/canon divergent s14 and 15. retelling of crucial scenes throughout the shows timeline from cas’ pov, feat. actual fish and poetry.

the minor fall, the major lift - gen/4k, post confession/finale fixit. dean goes into the empty to save cas and runs into several old friends (and enemies).

With the Kisses of His Mouth* - teen/3k, gen later seasons. dean and cas keep kissing by accident.

Remaining Grace - explicit/109k, alternate s6. au where cas asks dean for help with raphael and dean, of course, does. tw for temporary major character death/semi-graphic depictions of alcohol withdrawal.

The face of heaven.* - teen/10k, au, dean is a regular guy and cas is a fallen star (think ‘stardust’, kinda).

Stories Are Made of Mistakes* - teen/5k. newly human cas has trouble getting used to a human body and humanity in general, but still figures out that he and dean are A Thing before dean does.

Hurry Up And Wait - mature/21k, canon divergent s12. a fairyland and quite possibly LOTR related case comes up and dean goes full fanboy, mary is introduced to the wonders of the peter jackson adaptions, many references and comparisons (including between cas and dean’s ‘friendship’ and arwen/aragon). also charle is still alive and has just been doing fairy stuff this whole time.

There Are Many Things - explicit/28k, s9. cas is extremely lonely/touch-starved and trying to figure out this whole human thing, as well as where he and dean stand after being kicked out of the bunker.

It's A Long Life to Always Be Longing - teen/40k, post s11 finale. amara helps dean by putting him in a magical coma so he can finally get some much needed rest and show him possible futures for him, sam and cas. meanwhile sam and cas go on a roadtrip (or several) to find componets for a spell to wake dean up. really good sam and cas friendship, they actually talk about their shared lucifer trauma and stuff.

Non-Photo Blue - gen/2k, s4/5/alternate s5. fifty moments from cas’ memories of dean.

Tall Grass - explicit/57k, canon divergent post series. cas becomes the ultimate plant dad. feat the wayward sisters gang, cathartic character growth, fun oc’s, domesticity, and lots of actual botanical info-dumping.

on vessels - no rating/gen/2k. established dean/cas, cas tells dean about how he used to imagine what it would be like to have him as his vessel.

search for tomorrow on every shore* - teen/11k, post-finale (extremely derogatory). some angels in jack’s new heaven act out and dean gets temporarily resurrected in 2003 and runs into his younger self.

Architecture of the Minotaur’s Heart - explicit/45k, very canon divergent post s1. dean’s new house seems to have a life and mind of its own, while in his dreams he sees glimpses of a world and apocalypse that never came to be and an angel that looks strangely like his mysterious neighbor, cas. loosely inspired by the book house of leaves (which i highly recommend for fans of weird horror).

The Distance Of The Setting Sun - explicit/17k, post s5. established dean/cas relationship, team free will finally takes advantage of cas’ abilities to go on vacation around the world.

diamond star halo - teen/5k, s11. dean lets cas use him as a temporary vessel while he recovers from rowena’s spell, sam is a long-suffering third-wheel.

Make Known** - teen/16k, s6/7. dean struggles to understand how cas could have become his enemy and whether he ever truly knew him in the first place.

blunt little instrument* - mature/1.4k, post finale. dean finally confronts his father in heaven, very cathartic.

my heart a compass*** - teen/10k, post confession. the empty forces cas to re-experience his most regretted moments while dean tries to snap him out of it and bring him home.

A Crash Course in Someone Else's History - teen/11k, s6. cas from the very start of s4 is brought forward in time by s6!cas to distract the brothers from his and crowley’s plans.

The Cuckoo Father - mature/8k, s7 au. the woman who found cas in the river post-leviathans does not marry him bc he was sent to her by god or whatever, but actually identifies him as jimmy novak and sends him back to claire and amelia.

The Dead Dean Clause* - teen/5k, post alt s5 ending. team free will celebrates surviving taking down lucifer by getting blitzed, cas lies to a cop and gets an impromptu driving lesson. title/description sound dark i know but it’s actually very funny and light.

Suck It, Judy Garland - mature/20k, s12 (after the ‘i love you...i love all of you’ episode). cas and sam have to pretend to be a couple for a case and dean is NOT happy about it.

By Daylight and In Dream - teen/16k, s5. pre-dean/cas, dean invites cas to use his dreams to hide from the other angels. tw for very brief mention of a memory/dream of alastair sexually assaulting dean.

The Five People You Meet in Heaven - mature/22k, post-canon. an actually happy (if sometimes bittersweet) heaven endgame written several years ago, though some details are rather eerily similar to the show’s ending.

heaven is a place on earth* - teen/2k. dean’s pov of some of the times cas left him behind throughout the show, and one alternate ending where he finally gets to stay.

I Cleanse The Mirror - teen/20k, alternate s6. dean’s body is stolen by an ancient elemental and his soul has to hitch a ride in cas’ vessel.

an exploration of gender; angelic*** - mature/4k. *oscar isaac voice* lets get into angel gender politics!! aka cas is trans.

Zenith - explicit/33k, s9. after 9x06 an angry witch curses cas with the ability to see supernatural beings and human souls.

La cucina. - gen/3k, alt s9. dean goes wild helping a newly-human cas find out what kinds of food he likes, or the early s9 domesticity we deserved!

Dean Winchester, Cocksucker at Rest***** - teen/7k, post-finale. john and mary finally come over for dinner and john reacts to dean/cas in a rather predictable fashion. SOOOOOOOOO good omg, its so funny and a little sad and very very cathartic. part of a series that has a few other really good short fics.

The Way You Didn't Go - teen/5k, s15. coda to 15.09, dean has nightmares about the moc!cas timeline.

On Drowning - teen/28k. dean saves cas after he nearly drowns, they both try and deal with the physical/mental fallout (aka the fic where thee iconic “you only touch me when you think I’m dead or dying” originates). tw for realistic depictions of drowning/triage/misc medical information.

The Thirty-Six Questions That Lead to Love* - mature/13k. claire has dean and cas pretend to be her gay dads for a case and they play the titular 36 question game, get mistaken for swingers, and birdwatch, among other things.

Assorted F/F stuff:

Deep Breaths* - mary/ellen, au where mary said no to azazel’s deal and let john stay dead, still becomes a milf.

Like Rebel Diamonds - krissy/claire, they become hunter gf’s on the hunt for cas to kick his ass for taking jimmy. not-so-stealth dean/cas as well.

To Ash and Bone - anna/ruby, same author as the previous fic (p much all of her stuff is good from what i recall). au where ruby is a witch and helps anna when she’s cursed.

Holy Clockwork Angels - jo/ruby, STEAMPUNK au with very cool worldbuiilding.

At Day's End - jo/anna (my fucking KINGDOM for more jo/anna content, the dean/cas parallels are allllll there), au where they are both at the camp in the endverse and gfs.

these posts - ok so not actually a fic but i’m now obsessed with this hannah/meg dynamic.

Tagelied - mary/ellen, the true story of how ellen got into hunting before angels interfered.

Hell's Bells** - meg/abaddon, alternate s8/9 where meg survives crowley’s attack with sam’s help and teams up with abaddon (who she has a sk year old crush on) to take back hell.

The Ecstasy of the Rose - anna/ruby, anna travels back in time to escape heaven and becomes a signifigant part of ruby’s old human life.

Angel Underground - anna/jo, kind of an urban fantasy au with a very intriguing premise (sadly its very short, i’d love to see more if this ‘verse).

Clover, Flame - billie/mary, billie was always the reaper that showed up to take mary after her death(s) over the years.

Drag Me To Heaven - anna/ruby, a variant on the ‘last night on earth’ thing with dean.

Come Home* - jo/anna, canon-divergent au where anna is the new waitress at the roadhouse and helps jo set up a (probably not really) haunted house for halloween.

#if you told me i'd be doing this in 2020 three weeks ago i'd have laughed in your face :/#deancas #supernatural #fic recs #spn femslash #destiel #fic #the alie tag #spn posting

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hobidreams · 4 years

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Hi Rain!! So sorry this feedback is kinda late, I just feel I needed to really do October 1865 justice cus it was hands down one of my favorites thus far!!! The whole thing, from beginning to end, was so thoughtfully written. Like when she finally dons the pink hanbok and is inspecting her appearance in the mirror and wishing her mom was there for advice/guidance really hit hard. Like she really is all alone in this great big palace with no family and minimal friends. And I find that I’m always

PLS DON’T APOLOGIZE & TAKE ALL MY LOVE INSTEAD AHHHHH 💖💖

rooting for our dear mc, she feels like an underdog to me. Quiet, demure, poised, low ranking, but incredibly sweet and giving. “So far, you’ve begrudgingly won a few scraps of respect from the male physicians, and it’s a start.” LIKE YES GIRL GET IT. And when Yoongie comes to her door to get her?!? The equivalent of a man getting out of the car and walking to your door to pick you up on your date. LOVED IT.

WAIT I DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT LIKE THIS BUT UR RIGHT LMAOOOO

And the description of his appearance was perfectly detailed- I can imagine exactly what he looks like!! Well done. He truly is “unfathomably handsome.” I especially enjoyed the lil tidbit of the two of them looking suitable for each other despite their marked difference in social status and rank. As if, at least for the night, they’ll look like they belong together. It warms my heart. I love that this Yoongi is still lighthearted with the way he jokes with Eunuch Kim. It’s so nice to see him like this, but continues to make me wonder what else happened to him to change him so drastically???

*slow, calculating laughter here* heheh i’m glad u enjoyed the clothing bits though! that’s one of my favorite aspects of the history to research :’)

Her excitement to see the Chuseok festivities is so palpable, and when she realizes “oh god, you just made the prince run” I WAS CACKLING HAHAH and the Jinkook appearace!!!!!!!!!! I WAS HOWLING. I love that you kept the basic appearance of the two from the mv. What a creative way to weave them into the story!!! “the bearded one looks about seconds away from giving the other younger man a good smack with the fishing rod leaning on the wall behind him.” HAHAHA SCREEEEEAM their competitiveness and banter is perfectly written!!! “Yah, you can take your beans and shove them right up your nasty sokgot… I’ll take two orders of each. Preferably not ones shoved anywhere.” I’M ACTUALLY DYING. The dialogue here is hilarious!!

me: sobbing because humor is so hard & you are so kind T_T

And the way Yoongi passes off the treats to mc and Eunuch Kim!! And when they get mistaken as a couple by her mother’s old friend?!? CLASSIC. I’ve found that old ladies literally give no fucks. I had a patient who would thirst over the same co-worker that I did (and yk, fair, cus he looked like an older, taller JK) She was shameless about it and I wanna be her when I get older haha

FDSLKDAFS MOOD I WOULD TOO HAHAHAA have u SEEEN JUNGKOOK LATELY??? that BUN? THE SHEER SHIRTS? im D E A D. PHEWW. but seriously old ladies never change, no matter the era HAHAH

ok, but one of the best parts is Eunuch Kim losin his cool over Chun-ja. The way he nearly drops his jeon and is soooo flustered has me so heart eyed for him. I’m so happy to finally be meeting this lucky woman who has ensnared our beloved Eunuch Kim’s heart!! And those letters?! Ugh, I am so fond of hand-written letters. They’re so nostalgic and personal and no one seems to do it anymore.

heh i’m glad u like letters because-- oop i wont say anything more ;)

Don’t think I didn’t notice that Yoongi chose the bracelet she was eyeing. But are we gonna see him give it to her?? Or does he just secretly have it slipped into her room, cus that would be SUCH a yoongi thing to do. My favorite part though, if I HAD TO CHOSE, was probably the ending scene at the pond. I feel like this is the first time they’ve had the chance to have a REAL conversation. And how her theory that some things in the world are out of their control but can change in their favor if they never give up. Seems like it parallels their predicament perfectly.

you may be the only person who’s picked up on that conversation FDASLJKAS but yes, it truly is ;-; i absolutely adore those quiet moments between the two of them & writing this one was... phew a ride and a half. there’s a lot of subtext there 🤣

But I need to know!!! WHAT DID THEY WISH FOR?!

iono 🤭 (youll find out later)

Ugh sweet Yoongi is killing me. I love him, but damn knowing what he’ll become in the next few years has me heart broken. As always, well done Rain. What a chapter to come home to after a long weekend of work!! I’m so appreciative of your writing. Your page is always such a safe and comforting space. Your positivity and kindness really reinforce my idea that you’re a wonderful human being. I hate that you had rude ass anons leaving their trash comments in your asks. As King Yoongi would say, “they’re peasants!” fuck the haters, bubs, and keep shining. You’re a fantastic writer, and I hope that you keep writing what inspires you, and deliver it the way you want!! I know I’ve said it before, but I feel I need to say it again, but I LOVE the way you decided to present MLT. I LOVE the drabbles and the timeline. It’s unique and fresh and will always remind me of MLT. ILYSM, Rain!! As always, please accept all my love and adoration!

sighhh you are so so so lovely. thank you for taking all this time out of your busy life to send me this. it just warms my entire heart. please don’t worry abt my anons; they’ve actually been pretty nice!! i havent ever had a mean anon ever in my inbox or anyone purposefully being cruel in my comments so my frustration was more at seeing how my friends are contiuously disrespected for providing their FREE content. AGH. and they get rebuked if they reply with annoyance, which they deserve to do after being pestered over and over again!!! someone said they had 20 asks in their inbox asking for updates and AGGGGHHH !!! that makes me wanna tear those anons a new one. but anyway. it’s wonderful people like you that keep us going & i wish i had a better way of giving you my gratitude because it doesn’t feel like enough. thank you 😭💗 pls take this happy boy and i hope you have the fantastic day you deserve!!!!

#lcksndkys #rain reply #ily ily ily #moonlit throne

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joonyverse · 5 years

Text

too close. - Suho (EXO) (oneshot)

A/N: this series is totally based on real-life experience. a story that seems cliche? but i can assure you this is really what happened in my life, although i dramatized it more, but hence explained the first person point of view.

Summary: what are we? we are too close for friends, too distant for lover. you are so close yet so far. we both know there’s something between us, but what is it? are you entirely sure that you’re letting her go? or are you slowly coming back... to her?

Genre: angst, fluff, slowburn (kinda)

Warning: bad english, grammar mistakes, some curses here and there, slight trigger warning

Suho x Readers

oneshot

I... I truly don’t know where it first started. Was it during the mid semester examination? Or was it during the first day of new semester? Or was it somewhere along the timeline and I just... didn’t realize? Or was it me on denial?

I don’t even know what even caused it. I don’t know how. I’m the notorious y/n. Focused on my study is all i care about. Lover? I’m passed that.

But somehow. Somehow. That one message from you that evening makes me feel... so important. Makes me feel like I could take on the world. Makes me feel like the feeling of being alive is blooming back inside my heart that has been long filled with emptiness and monochrome memories.

And suddenly that one message from you, it makes my heart beats again. It makes me found a new motivation. A motivation that has long gone, now coming back, all because of you? A feeling that’s been so long since I last felt it, suddenly I’m going through it again? All because of you?

[Suho], 20:20: y/n, i may seem desperate, but can you help me? Pls!

[y/n], 20:25: sure! What can I help you with?

[Suho], 20:26: for our economy class, can you help me with this thing about distribution? I still can’t get the hang of it somehow

[y/n], 20:27: lmao, can you believe it? The smart great suho! Part of the notorious exo gang! Asking for my help! But sure, sending you the notes!

[Suho], 20:28: GREAT! THANKS Y/N!!!

Perhaps it’s the way I know how nice you are? Perhaps it’s how I found you adorable at the time? But really, I didn’t mean to fall this deep into it.

There I feel you. Staring at me. I can’t see it for sure, but I can feel your eyes burning into the back of my head. And honestly speaking, I’m beyond nervous to even look back. My brain is somehow more focused into thinking how do I engage a conversation with you, rather than into the test itself.

An idea popped out in my head. Stupid. I truly know the answer to the question, to hell with, I even answered it. But for the sake of engaging a conversation, I turned my head back, into your way. Low key feeling afraid of getting caught.

“Psst, Suho, what’s number 10?” I asked in a whisper. My heart beats fast.

Suddenly, you moved forward, getting closer to me. I swear we’re only inches apart, if it wasn’t for your table between us.

“Sorry, what did you say?” Suho asked again. It seems like he didn’t hear what I was saying. At that moment I hesitate to continue it, too nervous to do so. But I gathered my courage and ask him the same question again.

“Ah! It’s B” he answered, in a whisper, doesn’t want to make the teacher aware of both of you.

“Thank you!” I said, in a lower whisper, as I turned my head back forward into its original place.

Ever since then, I keep noticing you. Noticing the smell or the scent of you. Noticing the smallest thing about you. It’s fluttering yet annoying. I hate how I let myself getting into this mess.

I knew I don’t have a chance with you to begin with. I’m literally longing for something that’s impossible, and it’s silently killing me.

“Oh my god- y/n! You’re so in love!” My friends teased.

I can’t control the blush that painted my cheeks. “Shut up oh my god, I hate you all” I muttered loud enough.

“Oh? Oh? Y/n? Won’t you look who sat at the seat right at the opposite of you?” My friend who sat beside me said as she nudged me.

I look up from my food. Only to found the very man I’ve admiring from afar to sat at the seat behind my friends’, facing me.

I quickly looked down and ate my food again. Too startled to respond to the situation. He was with his friends, looking damn good like the usual.

From time to time, I stole some glances at him. Just for a slight second. His chubby cheeks are just so adorable while he’s eating, and I can’t help but feel the urge to pinch them. Seeing him ate makes me feel full myself.

Perhaps, my friends are right... I’m perhaps so in love.

But who am I kidding? Suho is a nice man. Nice to everyone. Despite being friends with such jocks, he knows what he prioritizes. He’s smart. And his look? It’s a bonus point. How can someone not fall for him?

The grieve mistake I made was, stole glance at him at the wrong time. I swear I caught him staring at me. The fact he was staring at me got me off guard. I quickly look at my food and finish it. Brushing the awkward moment away.

It doesn’t help that he and I worked for the same event. We got closer of course! Our relationship gets more playful too. It was the happiest episode in my life, the happiest I’ve ever been in a while.

The littlest moment of ours, I cherished them a lot.

“Suho! I swear to god! If you step on me one more time!” I whisper-shouted at him, trying not to disturb the class. He was sitting beside me. And for some reason, he keeps stepping on my foot, of course in a no harming way, just to let his playful side out.

I see that he didn’t remove his foot from mine. His face calm. He knows I was complaining yet he pretended like he didn’t hear. So I put my other foot on top of his that stepping on me. As soon as I put it down, I realize the mistakes I made.

His face turned at you, as his other leg being put on top of your other one. “I have two legs, y/n” he said before he stuck out his tongue at you.

I mentally slapped myself for it.

“I swear to god, Suho let me go!” I said as I struggle to get my legs out of the ‘legs sandwich’ we just made.

“I swear to god, Suho let me go!” He mocked. I can’t help but giggle slightly at his playfulness. To my surprise, he giggled along with me.

Not known to him, my heart beats 12 times faster. I’m loving this moment very much. Perhaps... more than I’m supposed to.

“Y/n, aren’t you afraid?” My friend asked.

My head turned at her. Confused at the question. “Of what?” I asked.

“Liking him, of course” she said casually.

In that moment, I fell into a deep thought. I knew I’m gonna get hurt, just like always. I know where this is going, where its final destination is.

“It’s not that serious, so... not really” I said to her. The lie was so obvious. Even I can detect it. If my friend know, she didn’t say anything. It makes me cringe how I lie through my own teeth. It feels more like I’m convincing myself than her.

“Okay, I just don’t want you to hurting” she said. “Real question though, how could you like him knowing his history?” She asked again.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I know. I know it all. More of the reason why I shouldn’t like him. But what can I do? I can’t control my own feeling sometimes, and it’s suffocating.

I know. I know for a fact that he...

“You know that he loves Anna for years now right?” She said.

It stabbed me right through the heart. I know, I really do know. That was really uncalled for. It feels like having a lime juice being poured over an open cut.

“Nana, I told you, it’s not that deep, I’ll get over it” I shrugged. Not really in the mood to discuss this any further.

It seems like Nana sensed my discomfort. She stopped asking.

The room was quiet. Every one was focused on their tests that they failed on. It was just me, Suho, and two other friends who managed to pass the test.

We were quietly chatting, not wanting to disturb the silence.

“You know my love stories never end well” a friend named Jenna said. I quickly high fived her slowly. “Same, me too” I relate to her.

“Suho, aren’t you keep getting rejected by Anna?” Jenna asked.

I slowly cower back. Leaning back onto the back of my seat. The question intrigued me. But I’m just... way too afraid of the answer.

I can hear Suho slowly sighed. My eyes were focused on him. Interested yet afraid at what he had to say.

“She’s really hard to get... So I moved on you know” he said. No matter how much he tried to hide it, I can hear the devastation in his voice. I know how that feels. Believe me, I do.

It makes me feel good and bad at the same time. It’s good that it boosts the little confidence in me to believing that I have a chance. But... it’s also bad, I just feel so bad for... liking someone that isn’t mine from the beginning, someone I have no chance with, someone who... supposedly my own friend’s.

Anna is a good friend of mine. She’s really nice. No matter how much I tried to hate her, I just can’t. She’s just way too nice and way too pretty. If I were Suho, she’d totally be the girl I fight for.

I mean,

Who would fall for a broken hearted fragile souled me?

Anyone would choose the perfectly sculpted vase instead of the broken shattered into pieces one.

It was tiring. Physically and mentally. Studying and brainstorming took a lot in me. And so there I was, with my friends, hanging out in the cafeteria. Every once in a while, I took a sip of my chocolate milk, while staring into the distance. Not one of us saying anything, enjoying the silence, knowing every each one of us are spent from all of the studies, knowing very well, we only have one mandatory extra class left. Which by the way, is hell.

Suddenly, something caught Nana’s attention. I saw her eyes widened at the sight. Her strangeness caught my attention as well. “What?” I asked, curiosity peaking in.

“He’s here! Suho’s here!” she said, eyes still set on him.

I don’t need to look back. I heard Baekhyun, Suho’s friend, voice booming throughout the cafeteria. His loudness was the one that caught my attention, enough for me to look back.

Honestly speaking, I’m not even in the mood to have Suho in my line of vision. I’m too tired of everything. Tired of my study, tired of my feels. Tired of seeing him, feel my heart blooming, only to shatter at the reminisce that he will never be… mine, or even look my way.

“Oh? He’s not alone?” Nana added.

My curiosity got the best of me. I look back again. Saw him and Baekhyun were sitting with two girls at the opposite seats of them. Seems like they were in deep conversation.

“Lucky for you, they are within my hearing range” Nana said as she winked at me.

I keep looking at Nana expectantly. Hoping for… something. Anything really. God damnit, I don’t even know what exactly I’m hoping for the outcome.

I saw it. I saw the light disappear from her face, how her expression darkened.

“What?” I asked, trying to keep it casual, like as if I’m expecting nothing.

Nana turned her head at me. Her eyes seems saying something that I know the meaning of, but won’t accept it. “Seems like he’s getting matchmade” she said.

I sighed. I try not to let it show that it’s slowly killing me inside. That I’m broken. I feel so stupid for being like this. I know what I’m going into, yet I’m still hurt. This feel so unfair.

“I don’t care, I’m too busy” I lied. Well, not really. I really am busy. Being in senior year and have to work on the school’s biggest event as a division chief is not an easy job. To make things worse, I have personal feeling that I hate to admit but getting in the way of my priorities.

I feel my throat tightens. The familiar burning sensation around my eyes. I feel like I’m going to broke down. But, I’m just not one to broke down in front of my eyes.

“y/n?, are you okay?” Nana asked.

I gulped. Knowing fully well I can’t lie at the fact I’m on the verge of tears. I know. I know they see the tears Im holding in. I don’t know which one hurts more anymore, the burn in my eyes, or the burn in my heart.

“I-I’m too stressed out” I excused as I choked on my words. I know I should’ve let them know the truth. To hell with, they probably know the truth, and I’m hella grateful they decided not to act on it.

I quickly packed my bag and get up from my seat. I feel like I’d just lose my cool and sanity if I keep staying there. I can feel Nana following me afterward.

Things getting more and more confusing. I swear I’ve never felt so conflicted in my whole life. And… it’s very suffocating. Because honestly talking, I don’t know who got the answer, even if I do, I don’t have the courage to ask for it.

It’s so confusing. I rather have him be clear of his liking towards other girls, than having me hoping and getting confused by the signs he’s giving.

I can’t even put it into words. I want to say so badly that he might took even the littlest amount of interest in me, but who am I to say? Among Anna and the girl who I heard getting matchmade with him, I could be the silliest and ugliest choice out there.

I keep getting my hopes up only to feel like a over-confident bitch afterward. Only to have my insecurities eating me up alive afterwards.

It was at a meeting. A meeting which suddenly having him and his friends interrupted at. No one minds though, since it’s not a formal or official meeting.

I was busy on my laptop, doing the works for school event, making sure of sponsors and tenants, keeping things in check. When suddenly I felt his presence right in front of me. I looked up from my laptop, raising an eyebrow. “Aren’t you supposedly in shift?” I asked him.

Suho chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Oh sweet y/n, give me a break won’t you? It’s hot out there” he said with a pout.

I chuckled and shook my head. “Well, just don’t distract me, I’m busy” I said as I continue to do my work.

Suddenly, his hand grab the screen of my laptop and turn it towards him.

I yelped in surprise. “Suho I swear to god!” I said. “Don’t ruin my work!” I warned.

He looked up at me. Suddenly a dangerous grin appeared on his face. My eyes widened. “Don’t stare at me like that” I said to him.

Slowly, he put his fingers on top of the keyboard. I panicked. My hands reaching out to his. At the same time, his finger click randomly on the keyboard.

“Suho!” I yelled as I retracted his hands from my keyboard.

He laughed. He laughed at me who was in panicked. I can’t help but laughed along with him.

I stare back at my job, sighing in relief that he didn’t actually ruined anything. I stared back at him. I saw him raising an eyebrow and smile at me. I, of course smile back. No one can’t resist his angelic smile, can they?

Suddenly Chanyeol, another Suho’s friend, come at me, showing me something on his phone. “y/n? Isn’t this Linda’s ex?” he asked as he showed Linda’s ex boyfriend’s instagram page.

Linda is Chanyeol’s girlfriend, who happened to be my friend since elementary school. To put matter worse, her ex was also my… best friend… well at least until something happened.

“Yeah… He used to be my bestfriend” I said. “Why? Anything peek your interest?” I said with a smirk. I stare a bit at Suho and I saw him getting interested at our conversation.

“Well, I don’t think you should worry about him though, you’re way better than him, he’s an asshole” I added.

“Asshole? Why?” Chanyeol asked.

I sighed. I… don’t want to go back into those memories. I don’t mind telling him, it’s just… the memory is just disgusted me.

“He… sexualized me once, of course after he broke up with Linda” I said, in a much quieter voice.

Suho’s eyes shoot up at me. I looked back at him. I saw emotions in his eyes, I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is, but I could have sworn anger was one of them.

“It’s- it’s probably not much, but anyway he said things, sexual things, about me, and it makes me uncomfortable” I said, trying not to worry anyone.

Suddenly Suho got up from his seat. Shouts of curses flying through his mouth. “What the fuck?” he said, keep repeating it. He went out of the room for a moment to cool down with Chanyeol following behind him.

His reaction was really unexpected. What was that? Why did it anger him so much? So many questions popped up in my mind, but before I can dwell on it, Chanyeol and Suho entered the room again. What Chanyeol said next was just… he said it loud enough for me to hear, whether he’s aware or not.

“Suho, now you know how it feels when people you love is being disturbed!” Chanyeol said.

I gulped. What was that supposed to mean?… “Love”?… I really don’t even want to think about it. I quickly dive myself into my work again, not wanting to overthink it.

But I can’t help it. What Chanyeol said keep being replayed, over and over again, in my mind.

It was 8pm. I was all alone in my room. Still with my laptop on. Multitasking, going back and forth between my duty as a student and as a chief of division. The class group chat keep sending notification. As my brain getting more tired, I can’t help but check it out. Apparently a questionnaire about our end of year student trip was posted and everyone was discussing about it.

I checked the choices of place, and can’t help but wonder about it, not knowing which one to choose.

I don’t even know where I got the courage, but I found myself typing a message to Suho, asking him about his choice.

[y/n], 20:05: Did you see the questionnaire?

[y/n], 20:05: What are you gonna choose?

As soon as I pressed send, I quickly regretting my choice. It was stupid. Now he’ll probably see me as desperate. The ring of my phone made me sighed in relief.

[Suho], 20:06: I don’t know

[Suho], 20:06: Jeju probably?

[Suho], 20:06: Which one do you want y/n?

His replies make me excited beyond belief. I can’t help but let the smile making its way into my face.

[y/n], 20:07: Oh, I don’t know

[y/n], 20:07: I never went to either Busan or Jeju

[Suho], 20:07: Really?!

[Suho], 20:08: You know what y/n?

[Suho], 20:08: Let’s just go to your house!

[y/n], 20:08: Oh? You’re right, it’s so comfortable here in my house

[Suho], 20:09: Never mind that, let’s just escape

[Suho], 20:09: To Bali

[Suho], 20:09: Just the two of us

I swear my heart stopped. I really need him to stop playing with my heart like this. My heart stopped yet beating 12 times its normal race at the same time. I can feel the blood rushing to my cheeks as they warmed up.

[y/n], 20:10: Good idea, Let’s go!

I typed in as I put my phone on the desk and rushing to bed. Can’t handling all of the emotions.

It was the festival of the school event. The peak of the event itself. Every staff were busy. But we found time to rest and enjoy the performances by the singers we invited between the hectic works.

I found myself at the back of the audience area. Leaning to the side of an air conditioner. Feeling spent, but singing along to the song the singers sang.

I stand up more straightly, fixing my posture. And then I realized Suho was the one who leaned on the front side of the air conditioner. It was so hot, and I need some air to cool with, but I also didn’t want to disturb his little rest, knowing his job is more difficult than mine, more exposed to the bright sun outside.

I carefully reach my hand towards the front of the air conditioner, behind his neck, not wanting to disturb him. When suddenly, he turned his head at me and stares. I stared back, not knowing what to say. My hand continue its journey anyway.

He looked back ahead. What caught me off guard was he suddenly made a move to nuzzle the hand that was behind him. In shock, I quickly retreat my hand. “What are you doing?” I asked in shock.

He didn’t say anything but closing his eyes and leaning back into the air conditioner. I sighed and attempt to do the thing I was doing again.

And, again.

He snuggled into it.

My heart. My heart is beating way too fast. This time, I didn’t retreated it back. Perhaps I’m liking this too much, but I didn’t care. If this is the only time he would ever do this, then I’d let him do it as long as he wants.

Finally, after all of the hectic schedule ended, it was time for us in senior years to get ready for the upcoming exams. Even if it means… Going to school during weekends.

It was Saturday. To put matter worse, it was my birthday. I can’t wait to get it over with to be honest, and go into that dinner my family has planned as my birthday coincidentally is two days apart with my parents’ anniversary.

To put matter even worse for my heart, Suho was being put into the same class as me.

I’m just glad Nana was also in the same class at me.

But it seems like the earth and its fate hate me. Nana was sick that day. Leaving the seat next to me empty. And… now here I found myself seating beside Suho.

Stupid heart, stop beating so fast, he might hear it.

It was fun though. He and I keep making jokes here and there. And honestly? It didn’t help me from moving on from him like I planned to.

It was during math. Where I found him shivering. I stare him up and down. “I thought you bring a jacket?” I asked.

“Yeah, Minseok borrowed it though” he said.

“Tough luck” I said as I laughed lightly.

Suddenly, he grabbed a hold of my hand. My head quickly shoot up.

“Holy shit, your hand is so warm y/n” he said as he tightened the hold.

My cheeks. I swear they are madly blushing. My heart feels like it’s about to explode. Please stop for the sake of my well being.

“H-huh? Is it warm?” I asked nervously.

“Yeah! It is! you are so warm!” he said as he suddenly intertwined our hand.

My thoughts are everywhere. I can’t control my emotion anymore. I’m liking, no, I’m loving this beyond everything.

I don’t even know where my confidence come from, but I suddenly found the courage to put my other hand on top of his. “Here, let me warm you up” I said cheekily to him

“You know what? That feels so right” he said as he turned his head at me, and giving me his soft angelic smile.

Dear god, this is just too much for me. I don’t want to fall for him even deeper than I already am.

Months passed.

Season changed.

And so does whatever it is I had with Suho.

I thought we were getting better.

I thought we had something

I thought we were getting closer

But I was wrong

And my earlier insecurities and suspicion keep getting close to right.

Suddenly, slowly but surely, Suho avoided me.

For no reason.

I keep trying to search for an answer. Keep trying to found where it’s all gone wrong. But nothing came up.

Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps It’s just me and my boring self. Me and my boring desperate self. Perhaps it’s just him getting tired of me.

Each day, I keep seeing him and Anna together. Building a relationship closer than ever.

Each day, I feel like he keeps getting further and further out of my reach.

Each day, I saw them together, laughing and all. I see nothing but pure happiness.

I loathe myself for wanting to be in Anna’s place.

I hate myself for letting myself fall for him so deep, now I don’t know how to get out.

Of course. I should’ve known earlier.

What he had for me, will never be as strong as what he had for Anna.

What he had for me, was a mere interest, nothing much. It was me who overthink it. It was me who think we had more than what we had.

Who am I kidding? I am nothing compare to her.

And it’s killing me every day that I could never be her no matter how much I try.

I thought, that perhaps I have a chance on owning his heart. But who am I kidding? I’m just a broken hearted fragile souled person with too many flaws.

It’s killing me, that I’m willingly gave him my heart, knowing I’ll just get another jab and stab at the end.

It’’s killing me, that no one, perhaps, will love me, as much and as genuinely as I love the,

It’s killing me, that at the end of the day, I will always be at the hurting end.

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