#idk. do i need a new printer? probably. should i do this at work next time? definitely. but did it do what i wanted? eventually

[cosmicpines]

code july day 1 - future

au where jeremie's anti-xana program didn't work, taking place half a year after.

“Do’ya think we should start future-proofing our whole situation?” Odd was the first one to speak out loud in at least a half an hour, his voice echoing around the computer lab.

It was late. Not just “it’s a school night, we should turn off the Playstation” late, but “sunrise is in an hour” late. Ulrich, Jeremie, and Aelita were crowded on the couch – a fairly new addition to the lab that William and Odd had dragged over a mile to the factory after finding it on the street, a several-hour long affair that left them both sore for a week – blearily staring at chunky school-loaned laptop screens with piles of overdue library books on the floor in front of them. Odd and William were across the room, hunched over an oversized posterboard, surrounded by an accoutrement of Odd’s art supplies and printed out sheets of paper. What was keeping them up was potentially world-ending, but not in the usual way; instead of an evil AI, it was a history project due at 10 AM.

It wasn’t entirely their fault they didn’t start earlier – saving the world was a full-time job, afterall – but it’s not like they could give an excuse to Mr. Fumet that he would have believed. As the clock ticked over to 4, the prospect of having to pull the trigger on a return trip to finish loomed over them. They had already done it once, blearily uploading PowerPoint slides to the supercomputer to save them, giving Yumi an apologetic phone call in the morning. She was used to the disorienting resets at this point, having done them for half a year after graduating and moving across the country, but they usually texted ahead of time to warn her. She was sympathetic over the phone – she always was – but she was definitely irritated about having to retake an exam. They didn’t want to put her through that again and, besides, they couldn’t exactly keep the poster board from getting erased to time.

“Future-proofing the fact half of us might fail history?” Ulrich grumbled in response from across the room, leaning against the armrest of the couch. His eyes were glazed over in a stupor as he clicked idly around on the screen.

“Ulrich, are you done with your slides yet?” Aelita spat at him, now that the silent spell was broken, “I want to start stitching them together.”

“Uh… no.” Ulrich glanced at her, subtly turning his screen away from her piercing gaze, “Gimme ten more minutes? I’m almost there.”

Aelita clicked her tongue, probably remembering the last promise of the slides “in ten minutes.” She turned to her left and nudged Jeremie, “How about you – oh my god, Jeremie, can you focus?”

“Huh?” He looked up, and guiltly alt-tabbed back to a blank PowerPoint slide. “Sorry, I was just… I had a breakthrough about the bug in the Skid and I was…” He trailed off under her glare, “Sorry.”

Aelita clutched the side of her head, groaning. “Is it too late to go back to living on Lyoko where I don’t have to care about World War I and don’t need sleep?”

“Me too, thanks.” William muttered at Odd’s side, aggressively erasing a sentence on the poster, “Being XANA’s slave was less painful than this.”

He let out a bitter laugh, then raised his head, half smirk fading at the frozen-in-terror looks on his friend’s faces, “Sorry. Too soon?”

Odd, as he so often did, interrupted the awkward silence before people could make it worse, “Future-proofing us, is what I meant. Thanks for asking!” Nobody humored him as the typing across the room started back up and William started writing again, “Look, I’m just saying; we’re not getting any younger.” He brandished a red marker, filling in bubble letters on the top of the poster, “Yumi graduated. We’ve only got a semester left at Kadic –,”

“Could just all repeat a year like I did.” William grimaced. “And might again.”

Ulrich snorted, “Odd and I are probably on track for that.”

“Cheers,” William said, raising his pencil like a glass, without looking up, “Join the failure club.”

“BUT,” Odd interrupted, “Assuming we don’t! Because this presentation is going to be incredible,” That one earned a snort from everyone in the room (which was fair), “We’ll need someone who can do our jobs if we have to leave the good fight. Lyoko Warriors, the Next Generation! Kadic’s Next Top Lyoko Warriors!” He chuckled at himself, standing up, “We should put an ad in the paper: ‘Want a challenging, world-altering job? Come down to the abandoned factory!’” He hummed to himself, tapping his chin, “Our criteria would have to be strict. Can you imagine getting someone like, I dunno, Johnny? So, Johnny. Please, tell me: what’s your greatest fear? Giant crabs, you say? Why yes, that’s both oddly specific and also a dealbreaker. Next!”

Odd looked up, laughing, waiting for his friends to join in – Ulrich telling him he was being dumb, Aelita offering some other students and joking with him about their interviews, William making a snide remark about how he didn’t get an interview, a silent, but appreciative smirk from Jeremie – but got nothing. Jeremie’s head was buried in his laptop, and Aelita was – Aelita was glaring at him?

“What?” He asked her, but she said nothing, just raised an eyebrow in a you know what’s wrong look. Odd clearly didn’t, and turned to Ulrich for a clue, but Ulrich wasn’t giving him anything; he was just back to sulking, staring at his laptop. Odd ran through what he said again in his head, trying to find the offending phrase, when William punched him in the leg. “Hey –,” Odd started, ready to give a snappy retort, before seeing William was urgently tapping at the poster, where he’d just written something. Odd crouched down to read it.

you’re upsetting jeremie.

Odd glanced back at Einstein across the room, whose face was impassive, just typing away. Looking closer, though, he could see Jeremie had all the appearances of someone trying valiantly to pretend they weren’t upset – hunched shoulders, scrunched up face, not a single glance away from the screen. Aelita had stopped glaring to put a hand on Jeremie’s shoulder, but he shrugged it off.

Ugh. Odd sighed, wondering if he would have to apologize for just trying to lighten the mood. How was anything he said upsetting to Jeremie? He reached over for a pencil to respond to William, scribbling down on the poster.

Can’t he take a joke?

idk. Guess he thinks you’re blaming him.

Blaming him?? For what???? bro when did I even say anything like that??

you didn’t. don’t bro me bro. not my fault

Odd underlined his first bro, giving William a smile. William rolled his eyes before rubbing out their conversation with an eraser. Odd turned back to his coloring job and took a breath, surprised to see it come in shaky. It’s not your fault he’s upset, he thought to himself, pulling the cap off his marker. It’s fine. He leaned over to finish his coloring before noticing his hands were shaking. He clenched them, angrily. It wasn’t his fault Jeremie was upset. He was fine. Not his fault if Jeremie wanted to over-react. He’ll get over it and… where were the scissors?

He dug around their supplies for them, then, picking up a pile of pictures of historic figures, streaked from the bad library printer, took a pair of trembling scissors to extracting them. They were nearly done. One more section and they’d be done. One more and they could go to bed and Jeremie would get over whatever he was upset about and it was fine and it would all go away and it was fine it wasn’t his fault and –

“I’m working as hard as I can,” Odd felt a bit in his stomach open up as Jeremie spoke in a quiet, bitter voice. Odd stared pointedly down at the poster, blinking rapidly to try and assuage the pressure building behind his eyes, “I know we screwed up by not finishing before Yumi graduated, okay? I’m just… It’s a lot to figure out and I’m trying?! Is that not enough for – No. No, I know it’s not enough – I know I’m keeping us from having a normal life and it’s my fault William had to repeat a year and… and I –,” Jeremie’s breath caught, and Odd finally dared to turn his eyes to him, seeing his friend aggressively rubbing his eyes under his glasses, “I – I don’t mean to – look! It’s hard, alright?! It’s hard and I – I’m just so tired all the time and I’m sorry that we’re still awake for this too and that I –,” His voice finally broke as he started crying in earnest, his fist coming down on the side of the couch. Odd wanted to turn back to his work and brush it off, but the guilt clenching his stomach wasn’t letting go.

Hesitantly, Aelita put her hand on his shoulder again, “Jeremie…” but he shook it off again, turning away from her. She persisted. “It’s not your fault. We know you’re working –,”

“And it’s not enough! I’ve been working at this for years and I just I can’t come up with anything to defeat XANA –,”

“You had a lot of other things you needed to do first.”

He didn’t mean to, Odd was sure, but Ulrich’s eyes flickered to William for just a moment, and William’s eyes narrowed.

“Oh, are we doing this now?” William grumbled, dropping his pencil. “Jeremie, you’re fine. Look, I’m sorry. Again. You don’t think I don’t regret every moment that I didn’t listen like a fucking idiot –” Jeremie, despite being wracked with tears, winced at the swear, earning a brief hint of a smile from Odd, “ – and got myself captured? Who then was a thorn in your asses for months? No. I get it. You’d probably be rid of XANA already if it wasn’t for me; you’ve made that crystal clear.”

“That’s not what I –,” Aelita glared at him, “You of all people should understand that I would never blame you for being trapped on Lyoko.”

“It’s not you that is. It’s him.” He jerked his thumb at Ulrich, who glared back at him.

“I’m not,” Ulrich muttered, “Cut it out.”

“Oh yeah? What did that look mean then, huh?”

“I didn’t –,”

“You blame me, and we all know it. You’re just butt-hurt over Yumi still, even though you had plenty of chances –,”

“Okay, that’s it.” Ulrich sat up straighter, “Maybe you’re still using Yumi as a scapegoat in all our arguments, but I’m done with that. Maybe I was an ass to you before because of her, but I don’t blame you for XANA, William. I never have. I was over it before you even joined,” He scowled at the ground, Jeremie’s crying filling the brief silence. “It was probably my fault you got captured in the first place. I wasn’t there because I had to talk to my stupid Dad and it was my job to tell Odd and I didn’t make sure – hell, even before that! Who was it that couldn’t protect Aelita back when XANA escaped from the supercomputer in the first place? If she hadn’t been alone, the Scyphozoa wouldn’t have gotten her, and XANA wouldn’t have escaped, and we would have been done.”

“Come on,” Aelita crossed her arms, turning away from Jeremie to the boy on her other side, “You’re being ridiculous. Half of that isn’t your fault.”

Odd wanted to chime in that it was Sam’s fault she didn’t listen to Ulrich, but his voice was still missing in action, his throat tight and unresponsive.

“I should have been able to protect myself,” Aelita continued, “It wasn’t your responsibility –,”

Jeremie laughed suddenly, hurt and bitter, “Protect yourself how? You couldn’t protect yourself because I was dragging my feet on giving you a proper weapon –,”

“We’ve talked about this!” She said, “We agreed it was more worth your time to work on an antivirus!”

“For a virus that didn’t exist! If I had just double checked –,”

“Double checked what? The faulty data you were being fed? There was nothing you could have done! If you want to blame anyone, blame me. Maybe it – maybe helping me made sense at first, when things were able to be stopped at a moment’s notice. But then even when you got me to Earth it wasn’t over, and things got worse, things got more dangerous – when we realized XANA could escape? That we couldn’t just turn it off with a switch? That – that should have been it.” Her voice dropped as she took a shaky breath, “You should have just let me turn the supercomputer off.”

“You were ALWAYS worth the risk, Aelita!” Odd finally snapped, terror shooting through his heart at the broken look on her face, the implications of her words, “You… you matter to us more than anything! Look, I’m sorry for bringing this all up, alright? I thought we could just joke around about running Lyoko Warrior interviews! I didn’t mean to get everyone upset. And speaking of! Jeez! All of you are such downers on yourselves! There’s like, a billion different things that could have happened!” He held out a hand, ticking them off, “Maybe William might not have gotten captured and instead XANA got Yumi or anyone else! Maybe, I dunno, Ulrich saved Aelita temporarily but then XANA tossed him in the digital sea! Maybe Jeremie could have noticed that Aelita didn’t have a virus sooner, and XANA just made a move sooner! Maybe – maybe – maybe if you had just let Kiwi be virtualized normally and not fuse with me he would have been a great Lyoko Warrior and would have bit the Scyphozoa and killed XANA! We don’t know, alright? I’m just trying to say that – ugh, forget it! Sorry! Jeez!”

Odd rubbed at his eyes, surrendering to the frustrated and exhausted stream of tears that leaked out of them. All of them, all of this – he kept trying to play superhero, to pretend that everything was going to be alright like in the movies, but in his heart he had to admit that this was starting to feel futile. Aelita’s virus, XANA’s escape from the supercomputer, William’s capture, Jeremie’s first botched attempt at his anti-XANA program, Franz Hopper’s sacrifice, Yumi’s graduation, their failure to stop space station from falling, Jeremie’s second anti-XANA program getting stolen by the AI, and now the looming threat of their own graduation… he wanted to be joking about needing to interview new Lyoko Warriors, really, but if graduation took them away from the factory… away from each other…

A hand landed on his shoulder, he realized he didn’t need to know who it was to press his own on top of it, to squeeze it and feel loved, as more hands, more friends, found their way to his other shoulder, to his back.

“I’m sorry, Jeremie,” he said, “And everyone else. I didn’t mean to –,”

“Don’t,” came a muttered reply from Jeremie, “We’re all acting tired and stupid. I shouldn’t have yelled. I knew you didn’t mean it.”

Odd let out an exhausted laugh, rubbing his eyes of the last of the tears, looking up and seeing his friends around him, “How late is it?”

“Too late,” Ulrich replied, pulling his phone out of his pocket, “We’ve got… three hours until classes start.”

A collective groan broke the spell over the room. Odd looked under his feet to the almost-finished-poster. Silently, all of them returned to their working positions. Odd kneeled down to finish gluing down the last of the faces to the poster. As the lull of busy work started taking over his mind, William nudged him.

“Sorry, I, uh…” William looked uncharacteristically bewildered, “This must have happened while I was – did you say Kiwi fused with you?”

#i am well aware that it is long past day one LOL #we'll see what else i get to #my intent going into this was to write exactly what odd wanted to joke about but then i realized that was kinda fucked up #codejuly #codejuly21 #code lyoko #i swear ill write fluff next i promise #mary blabs

[queenkaywinchester]

Your Biggest Fan - Part 4

|| Jensen Ackles x Reader (AU) ||

Word Count: 1,310

Warnings: language. That’s pretty much it.

Series Summary: You are an up and coming mystery/suspense writer. The newest addition to your popular series was just released, which means never-ending book signings all over the country. When your overzealous agent lands you a signing in Vancouver, you meet a fan you never expected to have. And, as luck would have it, you are just as big of a fan of them as they are of you!

Series Master List

Two Months Later

New Text Message

Jensen: Hey, pretty lady! How was your day?

You smiled at your phone and leaned back in your desk chair. You had been staring at your laptop screen for the last five hours. Your publisher had given you ten months to have the next installment of your book series completed, and you only had three pages of nonsense so far.

You let out a deep sigh and turned away from your desk, towards the large window of your office.

Jensen and you had been texting each other on an almost daily basis and called or video-chatted at least once a week. It was like having a pen pal, but more modern. And, a little more flirtatious. You had to admit, there was chemistry there. But, you were so far away, and you were so focused on your new project that you weren’t able to leave your house as much as you wanted.

Oh, and not to mention that this was Jensen freaking Ackles. That was one thing that you were still having a hard time getting over.

Y/N: Oh, just trying to dump my empty brain onto paper. Nothing exciting. How about you? Were you on set today?

The smile widened over your lips as you saw your message was read almost instantly.

Jensen: Oh, I’m sure it’s incredibly exciting. ;) Do I smell another addition to your series? And yeah, we filmed for nine hours. I’m beat. About to eat some dinner. But, it was a good day.

Y/N: A new addition might be in the future… or maybe I’m working on something new? You’ll just have to wait.

Jensen: Rude. But, that’s okay. It’s something to look forward to.

Y/N: I guess, haha.

Jensen: Speaking of something to look forward to, when is your next signing up this way? It would be awesome to see you again. I would fly down to SoCal, but I’m a but tied up here. My offer for a tour of the set still stands.

You let out a deep breath, then turned back to your laptop. You couldn’t stand to stare at that laptop and the stark white wall behind it anymore. After three weeks of being home and trying to squeeze the non-existent genius out, you needed a vacation. And not just a day or two in a new town. No, you needed a week or more to be free and enjoy the destination.

Y/N: Call me.

Within seconds, Jensen was calling you over FaceTime. You quickly answered.

“Hey there, gorgeous. What’s up?” Jensen practically sang with a smile. You chuckled.

“Oh, nothing fun. But, I have an idea.” You raised an eyebrow and grinned.

Jensen smirked. “I’m listening.”

“Okay, I’ll be honest, I’m going fucking stir crazy.” You pursed your lips. “Sooo, I wanted to know if it would be okay if I take you up on your offer?” Jensen’s eyes widened along with his lips.

“You mean, for a tour of the set?” The hope and excitement behind his gaze. His tongue peeked through his lips as he waited for your answer.

“If the tour guide is up for it?” You winked, earning you a deep chuckle.

“Well, I offered darlin’. When did you want to make your way up north?” You thought about it for little over a few seconds, then picked up the tablet resting on top of your printer.

“Well, I’ll see if I can find flights for tomorrow? Or is that too soon?” Jensen’s eyes widened and his perfectly chiseled jaw dropped.

“Tomorrow? Uh, wow. Okay—”

“Sorry, that’s such short notice. What was I thinking?” You blushed as you retracted. What the hell was going on with you? You never questioned yourself. But, the startled look on his face made your heart race.

But, much to your relief, Jensen shook his head.

“No, tomorrow is fine. I mean, you probably don’t want to have a tour after a three-hour flight, not to mention all that time at an airport.” Jensen’s words came out a little faster, obviously from excitement. “Just let me know when your flight is, and I can pick you up if you want. Maybe take you to grab a meal if you want.”

“Well,” you balanced your phone in one hand, and tablet in the other, “The only flight from LAX to Vancouver leaves at noon tomorrow. So, I should land around three, and have my luggage and go through customs and everything by three-thirty?” You were actually doing this. Not that you weren’t a spontaneous person. But, you had never just up and left for another country the next day.

Well, at least not until now.

“Is the flight full?” he questioned as you navigated the travel site. Within seconds, you had your tickets in your email inbox.

“Nope, and my tickets are purchased.” You couldn’t help but giggle. This whole thing was so exciting. A spontaneous adventure. “Now, I just have to book a hotel.”

“Oh, wow. Okay, then. I’ll be at the airport by three-thirty.” Jensen offered his award-winning smile.

“Okay. Wow, this is actually happening!” You giggled in disbelief. You stared at Jensen, silent for a few moments. “Well, I guess I should go pack, then.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Your smile remained as you watched his cheeks flush. “I’ll text you later and, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jensen winked, then ended the call.

You leaned back into your chair. Well, that just fucking happened. You were leaving for Vancouver tomorrow, meeting up with Jensen fucking Ackles, and touring the set of one of your favorite shows. All on a freaking whim.

Well, go you. It’s about damn time you did something like this. It’s not like you didn’t travel, but it was always planned and always for work. When it came to an actual vacation, it had probably been a good three years since you had gone anywhere more than an hour outside of Los Angeles County.

You stared out the window at the shining sun. Well, shit. What was the weather like in Vancouver now? It was always chillier up north. Did you already put your winter clothes into the garage? Your head spun as you processed the situation. Then, a much more important question crossed your racing mind.

“Where the hell did I put my passport?”

You let out a shaky sigh as you watched your purple plaid suitcase approached you on the conveyor belt. There were at least thirty other people still waiting for their luggage in the surprisingly crowded Vancouver International Airport.

You clutched your laptop bag at your side as you leaned down for your suitcase. Luckily, it had been one of the first one’s unloaded, which meant you could be out of there quicker and well on your way to find your tour guide.

Once the wheels of your suitcase were firmly on the streaked epoxy floor, you were heading for the glass doors. Dim light shone through the tall glass windows that lined the walls, exposing the yellow flashes of taxi’s passing by. As you neared the automatic doors, they opened, greeting you with a chilly gust of Canadian air.

Once you were on the sidewalk, you shivered. Your jacket was probably on the bottom of your suitcase, which wasn’t the best place for it. You thought a knitted pullover would be enough. But, the northern air was a little cooler than when you were last there.

Speaking of being outside, it was about time you were entering the car of your handsome friend. You peered down the sidewalk, past at least thirty faces, but didn’t get a glimpse of those gorgeous emerald eyes.

“Y/N?” you heard a familiar voice chirp from behind you. You turned towards the sound and your eyes instantly locked on glimmering emerald.

Ah, there they were.

If you want to be added or removed from my tag list, please send me an ask. Thanks!

Queen Kay’s Loyal Followers (Forever Tags):

@fandoms4everyone​ @sophiebobzz​ @idk-life01​ @spnbaby-67​ @cocklesbelli​ @musiclovinchic93​ @corasbunker​

Your Biggest Fan Series Tags:

@mrsdeanfuckingwinchester​ @cherrycokegirls1 @smoothdogsgirl​ @tardis-is-mine​ @just-another-winchester @cocoatales @sev3nruby @sterekloveaffairs @ariethegreat98 @secretsandlove81199 @maddieburcham1 @niamandthings @typicalweirdbookworm @diariesofthebeautyobsessed @viviandarkbloom06 @winchesterprincessbride @redeyedvixen @soobi89 @ericaprice2008 @faegal04 @swanwinchester​ @somilotopia​

#jensen ackles #jensen ackles x reader #jensen x reader #jensen ackles and reader #jensen ackles x reader series #jensen x reader series #jensen ackles series #supernatural rpf

[theboardwalkbody]

That’s me (in my nursing cap because it’s my most recent photo and capping ceremony was cancelled so I took pics in my house to send to nursing school buddies instead): Amanda - meme - Manda 28 NJ Tired AF And bored so I am answering this Ask Meme I found by @myautisticjournal​

What music have you discovered or listened to lately?

I’ve been listening to my Recently Added playlist on iTunes. Only “recently added” has been adjusted to include the last 28 months. lol But I did discover Blinding Lights by The Weeknd and that song’s been making me happy. Hurricane (Reimagined) by I Prevail has hit me in the Depress and next week The Used’s new album comes out so I’m waiting for that.

Have you made any new playlists since quarantine times? If they’re on Spotify, maybe drop a link?

I haven’t made any Quarantine Playlists because ALL my music is about being isolated and depressed anyway that like... what’s the difference? 

Make a three-song-minimum playlist of songs that make you happy!

Blinding Lights // The Weeknd (also makes me think of Data because I discovered it around the same time I started watching TNG so now they Go Together) Paradise Lost // The Used Dance Monkey // Tones and I

What’s your go-to show that you like to binge watch? Why do you like that show?

Currently its Star Trek TNG - because Data And One Day at a Time because that shit hits real. 

Are there any shows that you‘ve been planning to start watching? Why do they interest you?

It was just Star Trek and I did start watching. Interested because I wanted originally to watch ST Picard because Harry Treadaway but having never seen any ST before it didnt make sense (obvs) so I went back and started watching TNG. I didn’t want to start with the original series because honestly my attention span is garbage and I just was always curious about Data and so I started with him.

What movie(s) always comforts you?

Twister, Forrest Gump, The Lion King (1994). I’m currently wearing Lion King pjs lol. Pirate Radio is a relaxing feel good movie, too. 

Are you an arts-and-crafts person? If so, what types of art/craft do you enjoy?

I try SO HARD to be lol. So far during quarantine I’ve tried crochet, I’ve tried making string bracelets as if it was 2005 and I was in 8th grade again but I forgot how to make them and my brain refuses to re-learn its too full of music, nursing school, and data now. I tried coloring and lost patience. I have been working on a Quarantine Photo-Journal. Every day I post a tiny update and a few pictures (mostly memes since i cant leave the house and several Data photos lolololol) but my printer isn’t working right all of a sudden so I can’t print out any new pictures which I guess that one project I was really enjoying is out the window.

Do you have any planned projects to work on during self-isolation? If you’ve started any and you’re willing, share a photo of what you’re working on!

Here’s a pic of page like 3 or something lol

If you had to recommend an art or craft for people to get into, what would you recommend and why?

Man. Just do what makes you happy. I saw someone on TikTok making GIANT ass Worms on Strings and honestly. Pure genius. 

What are your favorite YouTube channels? Why do you like them?

Achievement Hunter. Rooster Teeth. Markiplier. They make the funny. Various ASMR channels. They make the sleep.

What is the weirdest YouTube video you’ve ever watched?

Conspiracy Theory videos probably. I don’t really know. 

Recommend a book or book series to read!

Across the Universe trilogy by Beth Revis read it and fangirl with me I am so alone.

Are there any books that you’ve read multiple times? If you could re-read a book that you loved as if it were the very first time, what book would you choose?

The Islander by Cynthia Rylant. I don’t know why but the first time I read it it just transported me into the middle of it and it was amazing (I was like 11) and it was so mysterious and everything. I’d like to read that one like the first time. Also Living Hell by Catherine Jinks did a similar thing 

What’s your favorite book genre? Why do you enjoy it?

Science Fiction. Because I like science. and Fiction and space and robots and things. 

If you were to write a fanfiction about your own life, how would it go?

LOL The tags would be like : #depression #anxiety #ptsd #childhood abuse #adulthood abuse #i miss having sex but at least i dont wanna die #except i still do #twsuicideideation #badluck #dontread lol

What’s the best fanfiction that you’ve ever read (or the top three if you can’t choose just one )? What about it made an impression on you?

My brain hurts too much to pick a top three but I will say I am currently reading May I by @ladyfogg​ and it’s been giving me the squishy feels and I am loving it and ya’ll should read it. Her OC is relatable and also inspiring and I think at this point I don’t need to mention Data anymore. (But I did). 

Do you listen to podcasts? What kind of podcasts do you listen to?

Off Topic podcast and used to listen to RT podcast when Burnie was still on. IDK what kind of podcast that is other than ‘usually wild’ 

If you could make your own podcast, what would it be about and who would you invite to make a guest appearance?

It would be about anything and everything. I’d invite anyone for an appearance lol

Are you addicted to Animal Crossing: New Horizons? If yes, what’s your favorite thing about it so far?

Yes. My favorite thing has to be CUBE. CUBE I LOVE CUBE. I WOULD DIE FOR CUBE.

If you had to recommend ONE video game, what would it be and why?

Cube. I mean, Animal Crossing. 

Have you tried any new recipes lately? If yes (and if they were good), share it with the class! I’m sure everyone is as bored with the same old foods as I am by this point.

I am too lazy to cook even when I want to so I always end up getting take out or delivery. 

What is your favorite website to waste time on? (Is it, perhaps, tumblr?)

Tumbebells. (Tumblr yes)

How are you finding ways to stay connected with your friends and family? From video calling to playing online games, what would you say has worked the best for you?

Nothing. I’m sitting here wallowing in deep loneliness and it’s killing me. It’s just my grandma and my cat and that’s why I can’t go out or work (I am a Patient Care Associate and I know the hospitals could use help but my grandma is 83 years old and it’s too high of a risk for her for me to be working in a hospital and coming home from there). 

If you have pets, first of all share some photos! Second, how have you been spending your time with them?

LOLA. L-O-L-A LOLA. LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LOLA She doesn’t leave me alone. Her new trick has been LAUNCHING her 7lb body on to my back while I’m standing and pretending she’s my goddamn backpack. And earlier today she decided to pull the socks out of my sock drawer. Because she loves me. 

Share your general quarantine experience so far. How are you handling it?

Bad. I often forget to take my meds, we’ve been on “spring break” from nursing school this week so I have 0 sense of time and no routine and I’ve sometimes been going to bed at 4am, sometimes 4pm, sleeping until like 9-11 regardless and I spend 95% of the day in bed. I can’t be bothered to change, sometimes can’t be bothered to really eat, and I care 0% about showering and Doing Anything. lol 

I mean it’s been great guys. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba I’m lovin’ it!

I did somehow loose 2lbs without trying tho. That’s a total of 7.8lbs lost since March. Only 125 more to go BUT THE GYM IS CLOSED AND IT HAS BEEN COLD AND RAINING.

I’ll shut up.

I tag @lyrslair​, @ladyfogg​ @datalaur​ and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it even tho its really long and I fucked up the layout so instead of 25 questions they’re ALL NUMBER 1. lol 

[weaselle]

I got asked in my DMs to elaborate on my master project, so, just know if you click the read more, it’s gonna be like, a LONG ass read

(in b4: when I say things like “the poor” rest assured I am also “the poor” and not trying to feed into classist designations - I just need to be able to talk about different economic demographics. Also, I’ve pulled together several pieces of writing that cover this very involved endeavor for this ask, so there may occasionally be a slight overlap of information, tho I have tried to clean it up)

@victorylilygreen (lol, you asked)  @ekinsellaauthor (idk I thought you might be interested)

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I have a plan to provide solutions to the socio-economic crisis facing this country. As I put this together over a couple of decades, it was important for me to not be telling people how they have to live, but rather provide them the tools they need to decide for themselves how to live. This plan then, is more like a mutable format, the first iteration of which provides the example and proof of concept. Then, when people see a successful solution available, they will be sure to copy it -- because this piece of social engineering is meant to be self replicating this way, I often refer to it as a socio-economic worm First, a breakdown of how I arrived at my plan:

The fundamental questions at the base of my attempts at large scale socio-economic fixes are:

1- Since every current system in our society is dysfunctional or corrupt, how can a single simple solution address the entire tangled web of institutions that effect every part of our human lives -- from agriculture, to rent, to wages, to government, to education, to the textile and clothing industry -- it's all problematic and needs to change.

2 - Since we can assume the wealthy will never help change the status quo, how can we get the middle class to pay the poor to create alternatives to current corrupt systems? in other words, how can we free time and money in the economy such that doctors and lawyers and computer techs can pay cashiers and gardeners and cooks to create banks and homes and grocery stores so we can bankrupt Wells Fargo and Century Real Estate and Whole Foods?

And the first answer is, we can create a simple solution that addresses all of it by bringing all that under one roof, for one small group of people, and addressing that microcosm in a way that is replicable by other small groups, as well as able to be scaled up such that it is applicable to the larger society.

To answer the second question, we have to create a situation where the poor are making more money than they currently do. And they need to do this by providing more of what the middle class need (for less money than the middle class currently spends on it) This will provide some immediate relief for the poor while freeing up money in the middle class to fund the larger solutions.

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Since we can't create money from nothing, one way to accomplish that is: instead of the poor making more money, the base concept of socio-economic organization of individuals has to change such that it lowers the cost of living for the poor. Lowering the cost of living accomplishes many of the same things as increasing wages. And we have to do that while engaging in providing more of what the middle class needs for less money that they currently pay.

Therefore, we need to identify what the middle class needs. A fundamental problem facing the middle class is that raising a family and running a household and earning enough money to pay for it all is a full time job for three to five adults, and they are trying to do it with two. Which is a major problem for the poor also. What the middle class is trying to do about it is what the poor cannot: buy themselves more time, literally. They pay someone to clean their house, they pay someone to watch their kids, they pay someone to maintain their garden, they pay for food that requires less and less time to prepare or they order to go food. They pay a dry cleaner or laundry service to wash their clothes. If they can afford enough of these things, they wind up with as much left to do as 2 people have time for.

The important thing to realize here is that these chores are the genesis of the necessary institutions that have become corrupt or dysfunctional. Everything a household or family needs is a microcosm of the larger industries and institutions. For example, paying someone to take care of your children is the seed of a school. Paying someone to prepare your meal is the seed of food industry - if you pay them enough to prepare you enough food, it becomes more cost effective to start producing the ingredients or getting them directly from the source. Paying an accountant to do your taxes or getting help with budgeting etc, grows into a bank. Paying someone to wash your clothes is the seed of the clothing industry - soon they can offer repairs, replacing buttons, fixing burst seams, from there alterations and tailoring follow... This is how the poor will be paid to grow new institutions to replace current problematic systems.

SO. Low-income workers need to organize into cooperative communities that leverage group dynamics to lower costs. If four families live together, they don't need to buy four toolbox sets, they can buy one and share. 10 families worth of food bought in bulk costs much less than 10 individual families buying food at the grocery store. Heating a single large building and splitting the bill is much more cost-effective than paying to heat individual housing units. And when one such group is shown to provide solutions and success, other groups will inevitably come together and copy it on their own, unprompted.

AND once they are organized this way, they should offer those services the middle class are trying to use as stop gaps - the chores the middle class are buying themselves out of. The best way to do this is buy creating the solutions to the chore/time crunch for their own community, and then selling those solutions to the middle class. In other words, someone needs to do the house cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, the gardening etc for the building they all live in, and then they can go on to sell that service to middle class households.

They need to do this for less money than the sum of those things currently costs, which can be accomplished via two techniques. The first is simply by bringing all those services under one roof. When the gardener and the housecleaner are arriving in the same company vehicle, the consumer is getting passed less in gas and vehicle maintenance costs, and so on.

The second way is to identify the one or two most needed, most expensive services, and find a way to lower costs for just those services significantly. Maybe something like babysitters that function as small, suburban neighborhood daycares during peak daycare hours, and the babysitters would fill the rest of their work week elsewhere in the company.

Now! We have the poor with a lower cost of living, providing relief services to the middle class in a way designed to grow into the new food production, the new clothing industry, new banks, new schools, new hospitals... and when you have all these things, you can make whole cities that are largely autonomous. Again the concept is to bring under one roof smaller versions of all the needed things in life that have become the large problematic systems that currently exist, giving citizens the real power to either force those institutions to change, or replace them. When you have new cities, they can demand or create much larger change in government, in power production, in raw material sourcing for things like lumber and fuel. And hey can be built on purpose, instead of the chaotic haphazard growth typical of current cities. If citizens want to live sustainable, socially progressive lifestyles, it behooves them to live in municipalities explicitly designed to facilitate that.

This is my solution.

It starts with a single building. A single community. I have planed the building and community, budgeted it, designed it to be able to grow into these larger solutions. I have started the procedure to create it, taken the first small steps.

step One A: Creative Suite (already working with a small team on this)

My plan is to run several big fundraisers over the next year and partner with an SF Bay Area municipality (probably Oakland) to open a public arts production center by converting a warehouse.

The purpose would be to have a creative recreation suite with communal equipment and spaces, such that, if you wanted, for example, to make a music demo, or do a pod cast, or make cooking videos for youtube, you could easily accomplish that using the space and equipment available in the arts production center. To include:

dance floor / props and body work space

music center / DJ booth and instruments

recording studio - both audio and visual, with lighting, green screen, mics, cameras sound proofing

singing booths - individual sized sound proof recording studios, wired with a mic and output

industrial kitchen - large fridge space, rangetop and large oven, utensils / tools, big counter top

painting studio - surfaces (not always canvas) paints, brushes, frames

Crafting studio - buy bulk discount from creative center for reuse in berkeley?

wood and metal shop - partner with a tool library? is it possible to get a recyclable high-density ceramic 3-D printer to print tools with?

electronic repair (and robotics?) center

stage / small theater space / workshop with attached makeup studio

sewing and costuming – sewing machines and cloth bolts etc

gaming center - table top rpgs, card games, board games etc outdoor component, pool table, anything we can get a good deal on

computer bank - about 5 computers for general use / e games

leave one/take one library, scattered 1-2 person writers nooks

garden center

Amazingly my estimates from initial research indicates I can put a cheap, functional version of this together for about twenty thousand dollars. In terms of installing this stuff in like, an otherwise un-refurbished warehouse. Even if I spend $35k, that’s like, a new car. Plus I want the first month or so of funding to run the place up front. That’s gonna be water, garbage (it’s a lot for the dumpster a place like this needs) a shitload of electricity, and 3 people’s worth of monthly salaries to start.

Then there’s the rent or lease, which runs about $2 per square foot in the SF Bay, and I’ll need at least 5 grand a month’s worth of space. Plus monthly supplies, for whatever deals on paint and stuff we can scrounge. That means the monthly operating costs are like $25k a month. Hence large fundraisers for the initial build out and first month’s operating. Plus you draw your initial arts center membership from the fundraiser attendees.

Which, I’ve thrown warehouse parties before, so I think I can hit a target of a couple hundred people at each party spending $35 apiece. There’s a trick to it – you keep the cover charge low or non-existent, and then provide a lot of opportunities to spend money inside, like games and food and stuff. Low or no charge to attend drives attendance up, and then you have more people spending money. 

One key element is, you fill out the paperwork to be a catering company. Not only do you use this to sell food at the event, but ALSO it allows you to file for a single-use liquor license so you can have a bar. Usually there are a finite number of liquor licenses in a municipality, and they can go for millions of dollars. But with a catering company’s single event liquor license you can legally sell alcohol at the party. NOW we’re talking money.

anyway, I’m HOPING I can find state, federal, or municipal grants and assistance programs for the arts (and also, maybe some kind of, entrepreneurial support programs, but for like, small personal internet ventures?) Maybe even get some city to cut the rent in half by forgiving the property taxes on the warehouse or something. If I can’t, I may have to adjust the fundraising vs start date timing. Membership will be a monthly fee like a gym. I’d love for it to be free, and will certainly stay open to anything that allows that, but by the numbers it’ll have to be about $50 a month. Still, that’s like a 24 our fitness membership. One refill of gasoline. About one person’s share of an electricity bill. A phone payment. It’s a doable monthly bill for a lot of people. Monthly budget to be supplemented using the space, for example dance classes, ticketed theater performances, live band music shows, etc. So it’s possible we could drive membership prices way down. and maybe certain days or times could be free to the public or something. I want it to be accessible. Of the 3 monthly salaries mentioned above (each at $20 an hour) one is for me and that’s all I need, enough money to live on and access to this facility. There’s no way I can figure out how to afford this kind of creative suite for just me, but I might be able to figure out how to make one a whole bunch of us can afford This is just the first step of a very involved something I’ve been putting together since forever. But even if I only ever accomplish this first nesting-doll of a scheme, I’ll be very pleased.

The Creative Suite is like, an egg. And it should hatch into a little baby iteration of a socio-economic worm I’ve conceived.

If I can grow it to the full beast, it should become a self replicating, bottom-up revolutionary process that could improve the lives of many millions of people and put more power over our personal day to day lives back into the hands of the common public.

I have thousands of words in hundreds of research drafts and notes and exploratory essays, etc, but… Roughly speaking that looks like

flip the Creative Suite into MN Building One, a scheme designed to allow minimum wage workers to access more free time, lower their cost of living, and build equity by acquiring and owning their own property. Mortgage is paid off in ten years. Meanwhile

Building One starts up a business called Full Service Living that leverages group economics to allow for ethically sourcing goods while addressing the issue that middle class nuclear families with two adults face 4 full time adults’ worth of labor to maintain the household and raise the children.

Full Service Living becomes FSL Pro, in which the first group offers the next group of minimum wage workers their old building (cutting out the banks from the process) while acquiring a second building, gives the new people in Building One entry level jobs in FSL that pay better than minimum wage, while adding second tier careers to the mix living in Building Two – lawyers, accountants, mechanics, teachers, etc. These two groups continue to propagate more communities in their paired type one and type two buildings. Each of these community pairs contains the seeds for various institutions designed into them, and are meant to cooperatively grow  into:

Community Support Centers. These offer a variety of support services to surrounding communities. Such as: day care and after school programs, tax and bill/budgeting assistance, legal advice/support. The sum of the total efforts by all parties is designed to blossom into:

A school A construction and landscaping company A public owned Credit Union/Bank A public service law office An ethical clothing line An alternative low footprint locally sourced supermarket I call Alt-mart (Alt-mart works hand in hand with a food production construct I have in mind. It’s a little involved for this breakdown)

All that with room for other endeavors people see a need for. The initial concept brings most issues of modern life under a single multi-family roof such that communities are afforded the opportunity and resources to create alternatives to the flawed or corrupt institutions with which we are currently participating.

When that all coalesces into networks of these communities and institutions, we’ll have all the necessary pieces to the puzzle and I hope a city will be built. I’ve designed many elements of it. Engineering as well as socio-political and economic design. But who knows if I’ll ever get there.

More detailed breakdown of the plan follows:

Project Overview and Concept Exploration:

Begins with providing affordable housing, property ownership, and upward mobility to minimum wage workers. Becomes a network of live/work facilities with a focus on sustainable entrepreneurialism, accessible autonomy, and community outreach.

These facilities function as socio-economic labs - they are on paper corporations, to access any advantages, protections, and loop-holes available to the corrupt institutions currently running the economy. They target the large corporations, ultimately seeking to end them. They produce businesses such as restaurants that grow all their own food, and doctors that are paid for by the apartment complex to provide medical care to residents.

Additionally, theses facilities provide a new way of life, in a format that allows for autonomy, but also allows for successful participation in the current economy... where all the money is.They also attempt to alleviate the time crunch problem for the middle class, wherein managing a household and raising a family is actually three or four full time jobs.

As such, the facilities are designed to grow into these large businesses/institutions:

SCHOOL

A preschool through junior college school on 3 cooperative campuses, wherein the school functions as a microcosm of the economy as a whole for the purpose of study: school gardens provide cafeteria food; school wood shops produce school furniture; economy classes figure out how the school budget can afford the water, fertilizer, metal, and wood.

3rd graders have classes in the garden learning the biome and doing the weeding; 8th graders are each growing 3ftX3ft gardens and helping in the large garden; 11th graders are cross-pollenating and designing green housing and aquaponic systems; bachelor students are splicing plant genes in the lab.

But by then some of the students have stopped being involved in the garden, and are making replacement hinges for all the school doors as metal shop homework or squeezing enough money out of the school budget for a big homecoming event.

By the third campus, students are living on site, so there is housing to manage. Student store and cafeteria provide economic interactions; the whole of our socio-economic society done small for study and practice, under a single administration instead of our current system of a scholastic career being broken up into mismatched administrations, which is a disservice to our students.

ALT-MART

A facility meant to compete with Target and Walmart and Whole Foods etc. It grows from the live/work facility kitchen and meal-plan set up. Alt-mart features a permanent farmer’s market, supplemented with an onsite garden/nursery. There is an onsite industrial kitchen and restaurant that uses overstock from the farmer’s market and ingredients from the garden, possibly purchasing all unsold produce from the farmer’s market at a discount.

The restaurant offers prepared foods for sale to the public, kitchen processes overstock into consumer goods like ketchup, frozen microwaveable breakfast burritos, and canned corn. Bakery also, of course. Facility also features a tool-library with a 3-d printer that can print any tools not on the shelves.

Additionally features local tailoring and a second hand clothing store. The local tailors get access to all the second-hand pieces for use in making their own clothes to sell onsite, as well as some facility-bought cloth and onsite machinery (sewing machines to textile machines like tuffters, gins, and looms).

Toy aisle is franken-toy land, where in-house creative DIYers take second hand toys and make whole new toys out of them. Electronics section is mostly repair, and offers lessons in repair. Book-nook and greeting card section features local/community writers. And so on. The goal is to offer an alternative to the big one-stop-shop stores, with a focus on local/community sourcing.

CONSTRUCTION COMPANY

This business grows out of building maintenance and groundskeeping into a landscaping company, then into a construction company. It should be the company used by the network of facilities for any renovations and repairs, so it should grow quite large.

COMMUNITY-OWNED CREDIT UNION (and LAW OFFICE)

Basically a non-profit bank, that offers community outreach for people who need help with budgeting, would like to learn about mortgages and homeownership, etc. Grows out of a Community Support Center that also offers community office space and legal advice.

FIRST STOP HOSPITAL

Not a full hospital, at least not at first, this should just be a few medical professionals that can answer common questions, provide emergency medical response, and assess medical conditions. Not for treatment so much as to find out what kind of treatment you need and who to get it from. Where first-time parents bring their babies when they’re not sure if they need o bring their baby to an emergency room. Honestly, medical care is the hardest part of this whole thing and I'm not sure if it's going to be possible or what to do about it.

CATERING AND EVENTS COMPANY

This is what get’s the ball rolling, the catering folds into the care-taking positions within the facilities, and the events company later become basically the arts entertainment and media/information division. There's a traveling circus element. It's fun.

These projects can possibly culminate in a whole large, sustainable city built from the ground up, that I have outlined. It involves building a large hill and two small lakes. I am happy to talk a lot more about that, but it clearly necessitates all the above pieces and more.

OKAY, so much for the overview. Let’s start at the beginning. The loan is for 2 million dollars, for a property of 1 million and another million in remodel costs.

Note: I ran the following numbers for California. Obviously property values and minimum wages are different other places, but the concept should still be applicable. Additionally, these are preliminary estimates only. Additional research and budgeting is required.

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First I have to tell you about a type of loan called “Micro debt”

Basically, if you loan 10 people a total of 100k, they are each responsible for 10k of debt. If one of them defaults, the other nine split their debt, so now each of them has about 11k of debt, which is payable as it is not a significant increase in debt per person. However, this also encourages them to all help make sure nobody defaults on the debt -- for example, if one person is in danger of defaulting because their car was totaled and they can’t get to work, there are nine other people with a vested interest in making sure that person gets access to a vehicle or ride share. If a person starts to default on payments because they are drinking all the time, there are nine other people who are going to drag the to AA meetings.

A couple of banks in Bangladesh and Germany have had success with this, citing a 98% repay rate which is a few percent better than the average home loan repay rate here in the United States. Additionally, there are at least a couple million people who have this structure of loan here in the states, so it's not unheard of nor untested, even specifically in our own economy.

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SO. 28 people get what is essentially a home loan for 2 million dollars. We'll call them group A. They each have about a $71,000 mortgage, their share of the loan. (note, an average mortgage in California is like, nearly half a million, so, less than a hundred thousand is a GOOD mortgage)

Group A buys property (ideally unused/abandoned industrial sites or dilapidated property in low income areas) for about a million, maybe a little under, and builds a facility on it for about a million, maybe a little over. (I looked at apartment building costs per square foot and reviewed properties currently for sale in California to get these numbers).

Some of the money is earmarked for partnering with the city on local infrastructure - so, say the streets in that neighborhood need repaving, we might buy all the materials for the city to do that, saving them money, incentivizing the city to work with us on rezoning and permits, while at the same time those kinds of improvements are an investment in the value of the property. This is because many of those buildings are not zoned as live-work the way this project requires, and rezoning without incentivizing the city to cooperate is a nightmare.

The facility is 60 bedrooms, with an industrial kitchen, plenty of diverse common space, and shared facilities (like at a gym: banks of private shower stalls, even a hot tub and a sauna, because if you’re going to ask people to give up single use showers in their own apartments, you want to add value).

Group A moves in and rents remaining rooms to an additional 28 people, we'll call them Group B.

Now, out of 60 rooms we have 56 people living in the facility. 10 of them are caretakers. Instead of paying money, they pay their way in labor, and they additionally receive a monthly stipend of 500 dollars a month to start. The caretakers do all the building maintenance and groundskeeping, they do the housekeeping and laundry, they make sure the bills are all paid, and they provide (cook) a meal plan. Utilities are all included in rent.

This means that anyone renting there has a single, affordable monthly bill for their cost of living, never has to cook, never has to do laundry or wash a dish. I call this Full Service Living. And the budget is for 60 but only 56 are planned in, with 4 slots available for social outreach, so this community can offer semi-temporary room and board for free to women fleeing abusive relationships, disabled veterans, homeless people with children, rehabilitated felons, whoever they want to help.

All this for a single payment of $1,000 per month, per paying resident.

Rent, food, utilities, housekeeping, everything. In an area where rent alone is more than that. This guarantees that a person making local minimum wage can afford to live, and pretty decently, with more free time and less headache.

When the building is paid off, if they want, Group A will each have a room to live in, plus a room to receive rent from, as income.

Let's break down the budget for this so far

(60 people, minus 10 caretakers and 4 outreach residents, equals 46 paying residents)

Per Month Costs to Paying Residents:

Meal plan for 60 people = $5,000.00

60 person phone plan = $1,800.00

Internet sufficient for a business: $400.00

Water bill for 60 people = $1,800.00

Electricity for 60 people = $3,600.00

Garbage bill for 60 people = $2,000.00

Caretaker stipend = $5,000.00

(subtotal: $19,600.00)

Building/Community fund = $1,853.002

million dollar mortgage = $21,213.00

Property tax = $3,334.00

Total: $46,000.00= $1,000 per paying resident per month, roughly $600 “room” and $400 “board” with as many costs of living as possible paid as one low bill.

 Sharing a room adds a "board" payment to the room, so if you move a romantic partner in with you and split it evenly, you each pay $700. I also have discount rate breakdowns for people with children in various scenarios, but it starts to get complicated for what is supposed to be a simple overview. Basically it comes down to an inherent flexibility in the meal plan; the fact that a food budget for 60 people easily accommodates an extra mouth to feed could allow a group to offer a single parent a separate room for their child with no board payment, so they could live in two rooms for $1,500; stuff like that.

At those payments, the building is paid off in ten years. TEN. Our low income earners don't have to wait 30 years to be actual property owners, and they only have to give the bank an added $500k instead of the 1.4 million a 30 year mortgage would net.

Here is one place people replicating the format and participating in their own group can do whatever they want. The 28 building shareholders have the option of leaving everything the same but owning the place outright, which means they are no longer paying the ~$500 mortgage portion of their bills, instead each receiving about $500 in rent from the other residents, which is a net gain of $1k per month each in disposable income. Or they could all just sell the building and split the money 28 ways. Or they could all move out and use the entire building to generate residual income. Anything is good, we've made almost 30 people property owners and built them equity for only minimum wage while they provided relief services to the surrounding community, so anything they think is best, we've already done it good.

Ideally they move into a second building and sell the first building to group B, which is what the very first group will have to do to complete the seeding of the entire project. 

SO. The two buildings I mention represent two stages of the greater project. Full Service Living, and Full Service Living Professional (hereafter FSL, and FSL Pro)

In the first stage, you have 10 caretakers providing full service living to 46 paying individuals, most of whom make minimum wage, and 4 social outreach recipients. FSL is basically getting as much of your life as possible handled with a single low bill, something similar to living in a good hotel.

To expand, The caretakers additionally seek to offer this service to middle class households - these homes already hire a house cleaner, a gardener, use a dry-cleaner, order delivery food, so they are prime clients. As middle class households become clients, the caretakers need more people to handle the work load, and the other people living in the facility quit their minimum wage jobs and work for the FSL company. This will earn the group profits as a whole while paying the individuals close to $25 an hour. THIS allows the second building to be much nicer.

With a second, much nicer building, the 28 people move in, and they find 28 new renters from higher up the economic food chain. These folks need to earn at least 35k a year and include people from a specific list of professions. This new group of 28 shall be referred to hereafter as the tenants.

The rent agreement is unique: The 28 tenants pay about 2k per month each for the same package, the FSL company from the first building provides all the housekeeping, meal plan, etc. The tenants also agree to pay one third of any increase in their wages, up to a cap, with the money going toward renovations, improvements, and additional services and amenities. This means as your income increases, you pay more actual dollars, but a smaller percentage of your over all income

So if you are making 35k you earn 3k a month, which means you pay 2/3 of your income to the facility (many people spend this much on rent plus food). If you double your income, you now earn 6k per month. Your rent package would go up by 1/3 of your additional income, or one thousand dollars, and you would still have an extra two thousand dollars per month of personal discretionary income. You would have started out paying 2/3 of your income, but now you’d be paying only 1/2 your income. Your building improves, your life improves, but you’ll always be able to afford it, and every raise you get does give you more spending money. Additionally, the staff is motivated to really give you all the support they can, as a well supported individual is more likely to have monetary success.

And one more important thing. Tenants either pay an additional 500 bucks a month in money, OR they offer $500 of their professional services to residents of the facility. Unclaimed time must be made available to the surrounding public for free.

So, say a paralegal values her time at $50 dollars an hour for qualified legal advice (such as, do I need a lawyer for this? what kind of lawyer do I need? What is this legal process going to look like?). The 50 residents only use an hour this month, so something like 9 appointments should be made available to the surrounding community for free - the facility staff will handle outreach (letting the community know of the offer via flyers etc). They will handle making the appointments according to her availability, and will provide the facility’s communal office space to hold them in.

These programs allow businesses to grow in a very low risk environment. Let’s look at a day care worker. She’s a classroom assistant at a day care, going to school part time to finish her teaching degree. She offers residents hours of baby sitting as her $500 service. As she earns more money, the facility also earns more money, and can renovate a space that sometimes functions as a play room for kids. No longer going to school, she is earning more money, the facility hires a permanent babysitter or two, and she manages them. Free to residents, they accept neighborhood kids for a reasonable fee. Low cost good quality day care becomes available to the neighborhood. She’s a class lead at a good school now, making more money, so the facility can afford to hire classroom assistants and the baby-sitting / daycare starts offering after-school programs to older children, well on its way to being a small private school, with our tenant running it.

Similarly, restaurants and construction companies grow out of offering facility residents goods and services.

To recap the ideal situation here: 28 people live in a nice 60 bedroom facility. They own a business in a neighboring facility, which houses workers who are paid fairly, but who also pay the first group monthly on a ten year lease (instead of paying a bank) -- after which that second group owns the building they live in and no longer has to pay. Everyone’s cooking, cleaning, laundry, are all done for them. By now their meals are largely made from the facility’s garden and aquaponics greenhouse, which includes a fish-farming pool, a few goats, a cow or two, and some chickens and ducks. Living with them in the facility is their lawyer, their nurse, their electronics expert, etc. They’re all part owners in their own non-profit bank/credit union, and there is an onsite day care, gym, and communal workshop. The group offers outreach programs to the surrounding community: low cost high quality day care, legal advice. They provide semi-temporary room and board to those in need, such as women fleeing abusive relationships, disabled veterans, and the homeless (especially those with children). They are an active part of an ongoing socio-economic program designed to give low-income housing, property ownership, retirement options, and upward mobility to minimum wage workers, as well as alternatives to broken institutions to all.

By the time they pay off the second building’s mortgage, the first building has been paid for over again, and THAT group can move into a ANOTHER FSL Pro building, offering their new building to a new round of pro tenants while offering that first building to a THIRD round of low income workers.

The first 28 people achieve all of this, building ownership, business proprietorship, community support, within the same thirty years it takes to pay off a standard home loan, starting with nothing more than entry level jobs and this master plan. 

From there, growth continues. More buildings are offered to more low income earners. More facilities means more services, amenities, cooperative power, a stronger micro-economy. Political influence also increases with membership...

Eventually, you can take all these businesses and facility/communities, and go build a whole city, which looks a little like this

See the problem with cities is they grew organically. No one ever sat down and said “we know we want a hundred thousand people to live here -- what is the best design for that?” Instead is was just, some people, and then some more people, and then some more...

So.

You go out in the middle of wherever. You dig two GIANT holes. You take the dirt from the holes and you build a nice big hill. You fill the holes with water and you have two lakes. Now you have a nice place people want to live, nestled between the lakes, under the hill. It gives you enough water and topography to create a resource feedback loop and control things like wind and sun exposure.

You regulate everything for sustainability, design it from the ground up. 

Current municipalities have to provide everything for the public from a budget that largely comes from property tax, which is 2% of the property value. That’s why when there’s something like a homelessness problem, there is no money to address it properly. 

This city holds all the property in a trust administered by the elected city officials. Instead of rent paid to private landlords, the public leases their homes and businesses directly from the city, which keeps rents low and controlled and gives the city an incredibly large budget compared to current municipalities, which allows them to provide outstanding public services -- transportation, healthcare, parks -- as well as giving them enough budget to address any issues like homelessness. Regulation and organization for sustainability as a whole city addresses the fact that existence is always interlocked issues. For example:

Grey water. In this city, only approved cleansers are allowed for sale or use (and the city provides one. Because the city provides it, it has to be cheap and easy, which means that there is always room for improvement, or, a business selling better cleansers for more money. But no one will ever go without one available, even if they are broke). SO, no bleach down the drain. So you can take the grey water of the city, and dump it on the top of the hill into a manmade creek/river, which starts full of rocks, then pebbles, then sand (a natural filtration process) flows down the hill and ends up in the first lake, which is recreational. The second lake sits a little lower, and the water flows into it from the first lake. In the second lake there are fish farming and bi-valve farming, which additionally filters the water (especially bi-valves like fresh water muscles, which feed by straining the water through organic filters and not-for-food populations should be in the first lake as well). The city pulls its water from the second lake through its combination water purification facility / power plant. The power plant uses a steam turbine already so we simply run that steam through a charcoal filter, and re-condense it into molecularly clean water for municipal use; this uses our existing power generator, instead of requiring massive amounts of additional power.

That’s just one example. The city has it’s own sustainable agriculture program, and grows it’s own food. There are public meal plans, and a lot of organization of the city economy that I just don’t have the energy to get into here.

These designs allow a large group of people to live with very little environmental impact. It would be healthier for the citizens. And it would encourage a certain amount of political unity, while removing a lot of stress from modern life. 

The city is modular in growth. So when the city population doubles, roughly half of them build a city nearby and live there.

_______________________________________________________________________

Aside from the first two facilities (and then probably the first of the cities, if that happens) I don't need or want to be involved. As it replicates into more and more facilities, the baseline should remain: "here is a format by which minimum wage workers can own property and grow wealth in a way that allows them more control over their lives and denies profits to existing corrupt industries and corporations -- copy it if you want and suit it to your own group of residents”

I don't want to tell people how to live or what to do, I want to give them tools and templates to improve their own lives, whatever that looks like to them.

Anyway, believe it or not, this is only about a tenth of the detail I’ve put into this. I can never get the whole picture of any of this out in one go, but I've spent a lot of time on all the details which, as you can tell, are innumerable. The ways in which the FSL buildings act as entrepreneurial incubators by cutting start-up overhead to nearly zero while providing an initial customer base of 60 regulars, the various permutations that could address specific scenarios, the details of how to add gardens and fish and food production supplemented by ethical food sourcing.. I could just. keep. going. forever.

It addresses the whole tangled set of problems. You have to help high population areas, but also go out to the middle of the country. You have to help low income earners and people in poverty, but also our middle class is struggling. You have to do things that effect education, infrastructure, ocean management, industrialized food production, population density/overcrowding  issues, helps prevent homelessness, creates better jobs for workers of big box stores while providing affordable more sustainable alternatives to their customers...

I think this plan does all that and more.

I’m exhausted and can’t find all my work on this right now, it’s buried in email chains and computer back ups, but I think I more or less encapsulated it. Good night

[likeshipsonthesea]

Trope mash-up: 56 + 60, ship of your choice

56. Awful First Meeting & 60. Poorly Timed Confession

idk what it is– probably the word “meeting”– but i’m thinking, like, nurseydex coworkers who HATE each other because the first time they met, nursey spilled coffee on dex and dex (who was havin’ a bit of a stressful day, some kind of IT deadline or higher up getting tech-frustrated) just kind of went off on nursey for being a clumsy idiot and then dex tried to apologize but nursey was still a little salty and dex took it as condescension and yeah

the feud begins

now, dex works in the IT department, meaning he answers a lot of calls about printers not working and “i can’t find this file” and a lot of bullshit things, so instead of having dex go up and down the building every time a ceo can’t work excel, he takes calls and has them share their screens

(I think i read a beautiful ficlet thing on tumblr once where dex was IT and nursey would call him a bunch and they talked about video games? idk it was great, link me if you know it! edit: thanks to @rhysiana for sending me  the link! it’s on ao3 and it’s beautiful, enjoy!)

and so nursey keeps having issues with his computer (it’s a dell, he’s used to mac, but it’s a company computer and he’s not allowed to use his own for work stuff) and so he’s calling the IT hotline on a daily basis talking to “dex”, mysterious nerd with the pretty voice who huffs silent laughter whenever nursey makes a tech pun but pretends like he doesn’t

and okay, maybe nursey has a teensy tiny crush on dex on the phone, it isn’t a problem, though, okay, it’s not like he’s calling in fake issues just to talk to dex. often. okay they’re not fake but they are also things nursey could google with ease and maybe he just wants to talk to dex. it’s not weird. it’s not weird right?

meanwhile dex– who had to look up nursey’s office to go and apologize to him– knows exactly who he’s talking to, but he’s professional, so he helps nursey without complaint. maybe he’s a bit snarky (unfortunately nursey seems to like that) but after a while (and a lot of calls) he slowly starts developing… an affection?

it’s not a crush. he is a grown ass man with a job and an apartment. he does not have “crushes”. but, like. derek nurse (nursey, dex got from HR when he asked them about finding nursey’s office and apologizing) is objectively attractive (subjectively, really fucking hot) and he has the stupidest puns just apparently on hand (he doesn’t google them beforehand right?) and he is the sweetest person when talking to dex on the phone– sort of. he says thank you and please and he’s kind in the way you OUGHT TO BE to people doing their job, but he also teases dex, asks him what he looks like while he works, asks him out for coffee.

“you don’t even know me,” dex says, as he reconnects nursey’s printer for the third time this month. he doesn’t know why it keeps breaking. if he didn’t know better, he’d think nursey was disconnecting it himself.

“of course i know you,” nursey responds, whenever dex says this. “i talk to you more than anyone else in this place. we’re friends.”

dex smothers a smile into the phone, at that. then the pit of lead in his stomach reminds him that if nursey knew who he was– that asshole that exploded on him for accidentally spilling coffee– he definitely wouldn’t think they were friends anymore.

of course, this goes on for a while, nursey awkwardly pining because he doesn’t want to ask dex out when he’s working (uncool man) but he doesn’t know what he looks like to find him when they’re off the clock, and dex furiously avoids nursey in the elevator to avoid his own shame.

then things come to a head when there’s a company-wide meeting and the heads of the department have to attend. dex is the head of the it department (which is really just like six guys in a room of computers) and nursey, while not the head, is the assistant to the head, who is out on vacation during the meeting.

nursey and dex are– obviously, for maximum dramatic purposes– sitting right across from one another during the meeting. nursey alternates between smirking meanly and feigning indifference at the adorable asshole across from him, and dex switches between focusing really hard on the guy leading the meeting and staring at the desk as if it’s very confusing piece of code.

there’s a break in the middle of the meeting– idk it’s a Very Important meeting that runs very long and needs breaks– and when they’re all about ready to get back in their seats, the leader of the meeting says, “Dex, could I talk to you for a second,” and Nursey’s jaw drops

dex shuffles over, knowing that he’s been found out and ready to just crawl into his button-up like a dejected turtle, meanwhile nursey is trying to reconcile the asshole who yelled at him with the dex who laughs at his puns about computers getting drunk and–

okay it doesn’t take long for nursey to be Fully On Board. He only met the asshole dex that one time, and he did seem very apologetic about it the next day (even though nursey was too pissed to recognize it at the time) and, like. dex is really hot. like, amnesia-inducing levels of hot.

so now they’re both sitting there, in the Incredibly Big Important Meeting Thing, nursey plotting on how to accost dex after the meeting and ask him out, and dex considering all the different ways he can barricade himself in the IT room so he’ll never have to see nursey again.

neither of them are really listening, so when the leader of the meeting says something with the vague intonation of a conclusion, both nursey and dex shoot out of their chairs and into the hall.

“dex!” nursey calls after dex’s quickly retreating back. “wait up!”

dex would typically say he wasn’t a coward. today, fuck it. he jabs at he elevator button in the hopes it’ll bring it to the floor faster.

“dex.” nursey stops, having jogged to catch up with dex. dex looks up, wincing preemptively. nursey’s grinning. “i can’t believe you’re dex.”

“what?” dex grumbles. “disappointed?”

nursey laughs. dex loves it. he hates that he loves it. he sighs.

“dude, no. you’re, like, hella cute.” nursey lists forwards. dex stares resolutely at the ground, pinking up steadily. nursey falters. he’ll need a new plan. “hey,” he decides quickly, “you know, I never really apologized for spilling coffee all over you.”

dex glances up, frowning. “yeah, because i was yelling at you, like an ass.”

nursey waves his hand, dismissive. “whatever. i still should apologize.” he smiles his most charming smile. “let me buy you dinner.”

dex lifts his head so it isn’t completely parallel to the floor. he stares at nursey with slowly-widening eyes. “really?”

nursey’s grin is unmanageable. “of course. i’ve been wanting to ask you out for, like, months, man.”

“oh.” dex’s cheeks are a soft pink. nursey wants to touch it. he’s thinking of doing something along those lines when;

“Nurse, Poindexter,” the leader of the meeting is yelling down the hall. “Come back here! We didn’t finish!”

Dex and Nursey exchange an “oh shit” glance. Their dinner, unfortunately, is postponed until tomorrow, as apparently they left when the leader asked for volunteers for a fundraiser they’re having tonight, and because of their preemptive escape, Nursey and Dex apparently volunteered themselves.

It’s still alright, though. they’re together :)

#nurseydex #dexnursey #check please #derek nurse #william poindexter #dex #nursey #my writing #sort of fic #ficlet #i didn't know where to put the read more in this #so i just put it wherever #fluff #i can write fluff #see!! #i can do it!!! #ALSO message me if you wanna know the computer pun

[you-get-to-exhale-now-cyrus]

Dear Cyrus Goodman

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

Summary: A letter than was never meant to be seen, a lie that was never meant to be told, a life he never dreamed he could have. Cyrus Goodman is about to get the one thing he’s always wanted; a chance to finally fit in.

Chapter Word Count: 1,476

Chapter Trigger Warnings: Cursing, Self-Hatred, Minor Death Mention

Author’s Note: All dialogue comes from the Dear Evan Hansen script. I own none of the dialogue, credit goes to Pasek and Paul. I’ve written the way things are said, actions, and anything not dialogue. Also for the sake of this fic, the names of the Kippen parents (the Murphys in DEH) will be Martha and Lucas. Thank you!

Cyrus lay on the ground frozen; all he could notice was that his hands were shaking, his heart was humming, and there was a few flecks of dirt on the ground. After laying there for what felt like ages, he propped himself up and reached for his backpack.

“Hey, I’m sorry about my sister. I saw her push you. She’s a psychopath. Cyrus, right?” TJ rushed up to the boy, looking him up and down to make sure he was okay.

As if this day couldn’t get any worse, Cyrus was now face to face with TJ, who he had a not-so-secret crush on. Great. And his hands were sweating. “Cyrus?” he squeaked, almost having forgotten his name.

“That’s your name...?” TJ pried, his brows knitting up in confusion.

“Oh. Yes. Cyrus. It’s Cyrus. I’m sorry,” he fumbled over his words, mentally scolding himself. How could he have forgotten his own name? Probably because he was lost in TJ’s seagreen eyes.

TJ let out a breathy laugh. “Why are you sorry?”

“Well, just because you said Cyrus, and then I said, and then I repeated it, which is, that’s so annoying when people do that,” he rambled, his nails digging into his sweaty palms.

“I’m TJ,” he greeted, extending his hand for Cyrus to shake.

“No, I know,” Cyrus insisted, wiping his palms on his shirt instead of shaking TJ’s. He was not about to come off as sweaty and awkward. Well, sweaty; awkward was inevitable.

“You know?” he questioned, pulling his hand back.

You sound like a stalker, Cyrus thought to himself. “No, just, I’ve seen you play guitar in jazz band. I love jazz band. I love jazz! Well not all jazz, but definitely, like, jazz band jazz. That’s so weird I’m sorry,” he breathed out, his heart beating so loudly he thought TJ could hear it.

“You apologize a lot,” TJ noted lightly, a gentle smile gracing his face.

“I’m sorry...or, I mean. You know what I mean,” Cyrus sighed in resignation.

“Well, it was nice meeting you-”

“You don’t wanna sign my-”

“What-”

“What, what’d you say?”

The words clashed, and Cyrus was regretting his decision of trying to keep the conversation going. Not his forte.

“I didn’t say anything. You said something,” TJ pointed out, rocking back on his heels and waiting for Cyrus’ reply.

“Me?” the shorter boy squeaked, “No was...José,” he joked weakly, dodging the question.

TJ smiled uncertainly. “Okay... José,” he replied, turning to walk away. Cyrus watched him leave, rounding the corner. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and hurried on to his next activity; printing out his letter. And finishing it. Curse his procrastination.

On his way there, he tried to get someone, anyone, to notice him. He even tried making eye contact with people, but to no avail. Buffy was blabbing to someone about her college plans, Andi was working on some sort of school project, and TJ...well TJ would never notice him, so there wasn’t that.

Although Cyrus didn’t notice, Amber noted his presence in the hallway.

“Shit, honey. I know I was supposed to pick you up for your appointment. I’m stuck at work. Sharon called in sick with the flu and I’m the only other nurse’s aide on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shift,” Leslie explained, sighing in frustration.

"It’s fine,” he said through the phone, opening up his letter on his computer with his free hand.

“It’s just...they announced new budget cuts this morning, so anything I can do to show that I’m, you know, a team player,” she said with mild bravado, and Cyrus could practically hear her smiling on the other end.

“It’s fine. I’ll take the bus,” he told her. This was expected; his mom was never there when he needed her, but could he blame her?

He heard his mom sigh on the other side of the phone. “Perfect. That’s perfect. Oh, and I’m going straight from here to class, so I won’t be home until late, so please eat something. We’ve got those Trader Joe’s dumplings in the freezer,” she suggested gently.

“Maybe,” he mumbled, opening up his letter and scrolling to the bottom.

“Did you write one of those letters yet? Dr. Sherman’s expecting you to have one, ‘Dear Cyrus Goodman. This is going to be a good day and here’s why’?” she pried.

“Yeah, no, I already finished it. I’m in the computer lab right now, printing it out,” he lied. Well, half-lied. He was in the computer lab right now.

“I hope it was a good day, sweetheart,” his mom cooed.

“It was..” a silence fell over him, and lasted much more than it should have. “Yeah, it was really great,” he lied again.

“Great. That’s great,” his mom exclaimed, “I hope it’s the beginning of a great year. I think we could both use one of those, huh?” she joked, clearing her throat, “Shit. I have to run. Bye. I love you,” she said, hanging up.

“Bye,” Cyrus croaks out, but his mom had already hung up. Slipping his phone into his pocket, he thought for a moment before continuing his letter.

“Dear Cyrus Goodman. It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year because...why would it?” he said to himself with a sad laugh.

“Oh, I know. Because there’s TJ, and all my hope is...pinning on TJ, who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did, maybe if I could just talk to him then..” he lingered on that thought for a moment, before he continued, “maybe...maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. I wish that I was a part of...something. I wish that anything I said, um, mattered to anyone,” he chuckled, nervous and sad laughter building inside of him.

“I mean face it; would anyone notice if I disappeared tomorrow?” he wrote, and sat there in stunned silence. Would anyone notice if he disappeared tomorrow? ...Probably not. “Sincerely your best and most dearest friend...me,”

“So,” Amber’s voice shattered the delicate silence that built around Cyrus, “What happened to your arm?”

“Oh, um, I fell out of a tree, actually,” Cyrus replied, trying to comprehend the fact that someone was talking to him.

“You feel out of a tree,” Amber asked, but it sounded more like a statement, “That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my God,” she snorted, a paper rustling in her hand.

“I know,” Cyrus agrees.

“No one’s signed your cast,” she notes after a beat.

“No, I know.”

“I’ll sign it.”

Those were a few words he didn’t expect from Amber.

“Oh...um, you don’t have to,” he suggested, backing away slowly.

“Do you have a Sharpie?”

After another beat of silence, Cyrus pulled out a Sharpie from his pocket and handed it to Amber. She grabbed his cast and pulled it towards her, causing him to wince. She scrawled ‘AMBER’ really big, and smiled at her penmanship.

“Oh, great. Thanks,” Cyrus replied, not amused.

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” she said suddenly, chewing on the inside of her cheek.

“Good point,” Cyrus mumbled, rocking back on his heels as he was ready to leave.

“Is this yours?” she says suddenly, holding out a freshly printed piece of paper, “I found it on the printer. Dear Cyrus Goodman, that’s your name right?”

Cyrus felt a surge of fear take over his body. “Oh that’s just a stupid, it’s a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment,” he spat out, scrambling to find an explanation.

“Because there’s TJ?” she paused, narrowing her eyes at Cyrus, “Is this about my brother?”

“N-No. Not at all,” he lied again, panic taking over his body.

“You wrote this because you knew that I would find it,” she stated firmly, the paper shaking slightly in her clammy hand.

“What?” the boy balked, his mouth slightly ajar.

“You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and printed it out, so that I would find it,” she fumed.

“Why would I do that-”

“So I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my brother and freak out, right? And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy!” she shrieked, her breaths choppy.

“No. Wait! I don’t even, what?” Cyrus stammered, feeling his breath come quicker.

“Fuck you!” she shouts, running out of the room with the paper in hand. His letter. His letter.

“But I really, I need that back! Please. Can you just, can you please give it back?” he begged, running after Amber and hearing his feet slam against the floor with each step. This was a nightmare.

tag list: @shortstackofpeaches || @seanna313​ || @geekingbeautytx​ || @heavenlybyers || @ghostswasp || @wlwandimack​ || @giocondasstuff​ || @lemonboytyrus​ || @adorejrizzle || @swingsetboys​ || @ifellintotyrushell || @idk-dude-17 || @rbf-lesbian ||​ @marianara-sauce​ || @kaptainjinxz 

#dear cyrus goodman #cyrus goodman #deh #dear evan hansen #deh au #andi mack #andi mack au #tyrus #tyrus fic #tj kippen #amber kippen #buffy driscoll #jonah beck #leslie goodman #my fics #chapter 4

[muggle-writes]

Rules: Answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people who you want to get to know better.

tagged by @elizabethsyson

Nickname: Muggle is my nickname, but when I went by Muggle in person for more than a month at a time, it naturally got abbreviated, usually to Mugz

Zodiac: Aquarius

Last movie I saw: into the spiderverse (same answer as last time. I don't watch that many movies tbh except around Christmas. unless YouTube counts in which case... music of some sort? idk links for the next answer)

Favorite musician: changes by the day. I've kinda been in an acapella and/or folk music mood recently so the Maccabeats and Peter Hollens are in my YouTube and Spotify history a lot recently. also I'm eternally in awe of Forte Handbell Quartet (eta a longer video; i recommend skipping to the techno piece or the Jurassic Park theme)

Last thing I googled: "vine why are you buying clothes at the soup store" (my wife hasn't seen it; also i can't find the vine because apparently it's a much bigger meme than I realized). before that it was "chgrp not root" because work and group permissions are useful when they work

Song stuck in my head: well for most of the day when I haven't been actively listening to something, it's been the Pokemon RSE route-walking music. (but that somehow happens frequently when I'm in the no-music-no-internet room at work, as I was for most of the day, and I don't know how I accidentally trained my brain to make that connection). right now, surprisingly, I don't have any background music playing in my head. I think it's because the humidifier provides just enough white noise that my brain doesn't feel the need to provide its own

Other blogs: my main is @muggle-the-hat and I'm a mod on @why-do-neurotypicals but we've gotten one ask ever so that blog has been dormant for a while. I have a bunch of other sideblogs, but they're all small and I use different screen names on each of them (enby life: no idea which name suits me best so I may as well try them out) so i feel like it would just confuse things to link them.

Following: blogs matching all the themes of my sideblogs, (including this one, which is writeblr), korean langblr, jumblr, assorted fandom blogs, authors of my more favorite fanfictions (some overlap with other categories), and irl friends and acquaintances (including one fandom blog turned irl friend)

Do I get asks: on my main if at all, which isn't really surprising because i have hundreds of followers there and maybe 60 followers combined among the rest. but I get asks far less often than I reblog ask memes so... I'm always happy to get more. I do get tagged in ask games more on this one, but writeblr is actually vaguely organized about tag lists so that makes sense. also I used to get tagged a bunch on my main and I rarely could find the posts again to follow up when I had time to answer.

What I’m Wearing: pajamas. staying warm and cozy

Lucky number: I don't remember what I said last time, but I like a lot of numbers. 64 is a good number. recently I've been debugging software in which 0x3E is my lucky status number and 0x0E taunts me. (um, decimal 62 and 14). Also my other favorite number i can't share until it's no longer the combination to the lock to the Secret Room. (or realistically never because opsec and i shouldn't make public the types of parents we use for that combination lock), honestly I aim to be like.... ah, I'm sure the anecdote involves G.H. Hardy but i don't remember on which side. anyway one mathematician remarked to another about how the id number of the taxi he rode in was sadly uninteresting, and the one I aspire to be like, argued "what are you talking about, this number is interesting because ______" and I'd like to be able to do that for any arbitrary number thrown at me. (hi yes math is good, history is hard, math history is interesting yet i still forget the people even if i remember the math. except when things are named after people, but that tends to be, like, Euler and LaGrange and other people who did lots of cool science things so i remember the methods and the names of the methods separately which never helps)

Amount of sleep: ....depression both screws with my sleep schedule and means I always feel like I need more sleep except when I wake up at 5pm and feel like I've wasted the day. so yeah. I can never get enough sleep

Favorite food: yes (why do I have to pick a favorite?) uh, chocolate in most forms, many other sweet things, red meats (especially if served with potatoes), curry (especially if it has "too much" ginger), fresh-baked bread, chai the way my favorite local Indian restaurant makes it (spicier with just a little bit of sweet, which is the opposite of what i can get from the mocha machine at work which is wayyy sweet with a hint of spice but that inferior chai is still superior to coffee so i drink too much of it). also vegetables which I really don't eat enough of: sauteed zucchini and onions, roasted broccoli

Dream trip: dreaming requires creativity and tbh I funnel that mostly into my writing instead. I wouldn't mind going back to Korea for another visit though

Dream job: my current job is pretty good when I feel productive and when my debugging tools actually produce data maybe??? (they were not being helpful today. but i still mostly like my job.) dream job is probably this but with seniority and confidence and double the salary (while living in a similar area of the country; I wouldn't want to double my salary by moving to work for Google in California and having less available after rent than I do now)

Describe yourself as aesthetic things:

the smell of old books

the first glow of sunrise (the sunrise painting the mountains pink and gold)

a rainbow in the spray from a waterfall

the flicker of distant lightning (watching a thunderstorm fade into the distance)

this picture

Random fact: about me or about the world?

how about a combination answer: when we got our new handbell music this season, we only looked at half the pieces our first rehearsal and afterwards I tried to look up one of the pieces we hadn't gotten to on YouTube because it's got a weird time signature and I wanted to get a feel for how fast it would go and how strict the counting is...... except it turns out we're the first group to ever play the piece. it was commissioned recently but seeing my conductor's name on the page didn't tell me how new it was because he's super prolific. (the fact that it was on printer paper without the publisher's graphics should have been a giveaway but it's only the second time I've been among the first to play one of his pieces so I think I can be excused for not realizing)

Languages: mostly just English, but I took Spanish for years, so I can hold simple conversations in it. I can almost read sound out Hebrew fast enough to keep up in services, and I know some random Hebrew vocab but comparatively no grammar. and I took Korean in college, enough that I can recognize sentence structure but I can really only speak tourist-Korean, though I can sound anything out (if it's typed. handwriting is hit or miss.) in both Hebrew and Korean (and Spanish tbh but i don't often listen to Spanish music) I'm very proud when I can separate the words enough, listening to a song, to translate them without looking up the lyrics. also I tried to learn Japanese from Duolingo when it was new, but I still hadn't gotten the kana straight when it started progressing to kanji so that was a rough time and I went back to Hebrew.

tbh I "dabble" in "language learning" which really means I start a million courses on Duo and stick with none of them. with the notable exception of French, which I acknowledge is super common and probably a good idea to learn but the spelling and pronunciation seem so arbitrary I'm scared to look close enough to learn it properly, and I've never particularly considered starting the Duolingo course for French

I think I lost a few questions, because that's only 18 answers. whoops.

um... who to tag

@abluescarfonwaston if school hasn't drowned you in work yet and @copperscales I'm interested in both of your choices for lucky numbers especially.

... wow I'm blanking on other mutuals I haven't tagged recently. as usual lmk if you'd like to be edited in, or just answer the questions and tag me back, that's great too.

#tag games #i really like that 'describe yourself' question can we keep that around as a poetry prompt? #i think you also tagged me in a 'last line' tag game but i still haven't written anything #my creative energy has been (a) low and (b) directed specifically into generating matching titles for my purimgifts fics #i'll participate if i still remember by the time i'm doing 'real' writing again or you can just tag me the next time that game comes around

[i-have-been-changed-for-good]

Sepia

Monday -  I'm at the coffee machine when Scott comes in. Right when he turns the corner, Chris comes around from the wall I'm at. Scott is momentarily sidetracked, but then turns back to me and greets me. He has to walk closer to me cuz Chris is also walking by. Scott smells amazing. When I'm done making my coffee, I go to the mini fridge to grab my creamer. Scott comes walking up right after me to put his lunch in the fridge and grab some water. "I brought in yellow watermelon today." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah. So I'll bring it in during my lunch." I walk back down the hall.

After I wash my smoothie cup and use the bathroom right there, I head back down the hall. Scott is standing up at his computer and I take the opportunity to look him up and down and then rest my eyes on his face. Out of nowhere, he whips his head around at me. I've already got a small smile on my face. Scott doesn't react and merely turns back to his computer.

During lunch, I bring in my yellow watermelon. Scott tries it and says it tastes like regular watermelon. He says he didn't really do much over the weekend. I tell him about my moon ritual on friday: wrote negative things on paper and burned it; made a bath with flowers, bath salts, and a bathbomb; lit a candle; and meditated in the bath. He smiles, and then he asks me if I did it by myself. I'm thrown off guard by this. I wouldn't expect him to know these are usually done alone, but idk who he thinks I would take a bath with? A friend? A guy? Does he not trust me? Is he jealous? Or did he really not mean anything by the question? I say, "No, just me" and then add, "well, my cat joined me." He smiles again. I also told him I had my picnic on Saturday, wore my new bathing suit, and won at bingo. I also say how Sunday I did dinner with my dad cuz my family reunion was cancelled since no alcohol waa allowed and no one wanted to go. He said he wouldn't have gone either. I drop a small piece of watermelon on my chair and wipe the juice left, but it only seems to spread. I go and grab a disinfectant wipe and wipe it, but it's still wet. I end up just switching the chair with the one next to it. "All that for nothing," I say. Scott laughs. His one filling fell out so he has to go to the dentist this week to get it fixed. We end up talking about fruit and yogurt, and Scott says I should try the BlackBerry Oui yogurt, but I tell him blackberry is gross. "We can't seem to agree on fruit," I laugh. I tell scott to try a darker piece of watermelon cuz it's sweeter, and he agrees it is a bit sweeter than regular watermelon. Steve comes in and I ask if he wants a piece. He's never heard of yellow watermelon before and asks if it tastes like the regular. I say no and Scott says yes. Steve can't have any cuz he's having stomach issues and can't eat seeds. I tell Scott the watermelon will be in the mini fridge if he wants any.

Scott goes out to lunch, so he asks me if I want anything. I'm happy he asked since he didn't at all last week.

Scott makes his tea after lunch and I pop out to talk to him. We talk for a few minutes and when we stop, I realize that I am looking at him very sweetly. He's got a small smile on his face.

I go and take an order out into the warehouse and end up passing by Scott. As much as I think I'm awkward, scott has his moments too. He asks me what I'm doing, as if he doesn't know lol.

I end up coming out of my cubicle at the exact moment Scott comes walking out to go use the bathroom. I have no way of knowing when he's going to come out of his office, and I hope he knows this. I have to ask him about an order, so when I hear him come back I go into his office. He had sent an email but didn't copy my department, which he should do. I ask, "Oh, you didn't copy us?" I'm smiling though. He does that slow smile of his and says he didn't. I laugh and leave. I turn to look through Steve's window. Scott is facing my direction, watching me as he sips his tea. When I tell Joyce he did send an email but he didn't copy us, she says "of course not." 

Scott makes tea again at the end of the day and I come out to use the bathroom. We give each other little smiles and say, “hey.” That ends up being our last interaction for the day.

Tuesday -  I didn’t get to say hi to Scott in the morning when he first walks in. I make my coffee and go to the mini fridge and hear him talking down there. He had just walked away, but then comes back. He sees me and makes that face i cant describe. We say hi.

For some reason, sometimes the warehouse door locks behind people. It doesn't happen that often, and I've never had it happen to me, so idk what goes on. I hear knocking and pause, but no one is coming out of Scott and Steve's office to open it. I get up. Sure enough, it's Scott. Steve is on the phone so he couldn't get the door. "Locking me out?" "No, you locked yourself out." "No I didn't. Who was the last one to go out?" "Uh, probably you." He disagrees with me.

I go to change one of the ink cartridges in the printer, but it had exploded in the box. I go to put it back in the box and Scott comes walking out to go down the hall. I could see he was looking at me. The importance of me adding in these small moments is because Scott has only been looking at me when I'm not looking at him; when I do look, he turns away now.

I have to go to Shoprite for lunch today, so I message him and ask if he wants anything. He tells me non-minty gum, which isn't much to go on. I ask him what flavor and he tells me the trident tropical orange. I go into his office and he gives me money. I ran into several issues on my venture. I come back and tell Scott. There was a detour getting off the highway, so I had to go an extra few miles out of my way to get to shoprite, then when I get there, they had cantaloupe and grapes as the fruit. "Grapes I can understand, but who puts cantaloupe in their salad?? And of course when you go, they have the good fruit like berries and stuff." Then I tell him how I ended up stopping at the tracks by our work cuz there was a long ass train. I'm not a complainer in all honesty, so the way I tell it, I'm smiling and joking. Scott says, "Well if that's the worst that happens to you today, that's not too bad is it?" "Oh I know, I'm not upset I just get annoyed cuz I only have so much time on lunch." Since I got back later than usual and don't feel like scarfing down my lunch, I ask him if I can eat in there and he says "yeah, I don't care." He goes to fill up his cup with water and asks if I need any water. He's so sweet. I go and grab my water and avocado. Scott gets a phone call from a guy that used to work there, but who moved out to California. "Not a bad move," I say. Scott doesn't really agree. He's only been to one part of California. I tell him how I went there once too, but it was Pasadena/L.A. but that I also went to Santa Monica beach, which was really beautiful. I know Scott likes beaches. I tell him today is Harry Potter's birthday and that he's 38. "Really? I thought he was a young guy." "Uhh, the character not the actor." I crack up laughing and Scott smiles and watches me laugh. We end up talking about the greatest shows ever made and talk about Breaking Bad and GoT. He's never seen BB and I've never seen GoT. He tried to watch BB before, but couldn't get too into it. I tell him he has to stick with it.

I go upstairs to wash the bowl I had my avocado stored in so i can put it right back into my lunch bag. As I am about to reach the top of the stairs to go back down, Scott just reaches the top before I do. He smiles when he sees me and we say hi.

Scott gets tea when he comes down but I pop out after he already finishes his tea. His coffee stirrer is in his mouth, so when he sees me, he beams at me with a pursed-lip smile. It's so cute.

I'm in the warehouse when he comes back in from lunch. I turn to look at him through Steve's window as I pass by, and Scott, who had already been looking at me, quickly looks away. Asdfghjkl. Idk why he keeps doing that. I go back out into the warehouse a little later and we look at each other when I come back in. I have a slight smile, but he doesn't. He just has that neutral stare.

When Scott makes his end-of-day tea, I tell him how i had to dump my cpffee earlier because the bottom of the coconut creamer was all chalky and gross. I was supposed to shake it before each use, but immediately forgot after the first time. Whoops. He tells me that I could use his almond creamer, but I had decided to just make tea afterward. I go in end of day to talk to him. I tell him how I was going to bake something pumpkin for tomorrow, but I wasn't sure if anyone would eat it. He laughs and tells me to hold off just a little longer, maybe till like October. "October? But fall starts in September!" I flip up his calendar and my heart sinks, but I gotta pull it back up. Scott has off the first week of September. I mean, just kill me now, Scott, so that I won't have to hurt unbearably later on. Anyway, I find the first day of autumn, which is September 22. I tell him i can bake something around then. He tells me he's looking at hamstring stretches on YouTube, but is only finding basic stuff. I give him some pointers and tell him to always keep a slight bend in his knees since his hamstrings are so tight.  He watches me demonstrate. Then, because I just have to show off, I get into downward facing dog. I mean, it's nothing special. There is actually a lot that goes into doing the pose correctly, though you wouldn't really know just by looking at it. My butt does not face Scott (I'm not that show-offy). The pose supposedly isnt the absolute best if you want a hamstring stretch, but it is a good way to warm up the legs. After I get out of the pose, I stop to think about it and tell him to scratch that one, since he would have to make sure his form is correct. 

We leave at the same time, with Scott in front of me. We both drive fast so we're in the left lane, but the guy in front of Scott is going a bit slow. It's rare where the right side of the highway is open, and my exit is only about 1 mile, maybe a little more, away, so I get to the right and end up passing Scott. I set myself on cruise control at 85. The guy in front of Scott must have gotten over, because next thing I know, Scott is parallel to my car. Only the middle lane lies between us. I turn my head to look at him and he turns his head to me. I can't see his face cuz of his tinted windows. I laugh and turn my head forward again. We stay like this until my exit.

Wednesday -  I say hi to Scott in the morning at the printer. I whip my head around and greet him and he actually gives me a pretty big closed-mouth smile. I wonder if he thought it was funny how I whipped my head. I immediately notice that he's in his gray shirt, which is my favorite on him. His wife needs to tell him how good he looks because it would be a sin not to.

When i go and rinse my smoothie cup and head back, I see Steve has pulled his chair up to Scott's desk and they're looking at something. Scott keeps glasses at his desk and he's wearing them, and honestly, I think he's trying to give me heart failure because I cannot handle both the gray shirt AND the glasses at the same time.

I have several small interactions with Scott. I'm at the printer when he comes out of the bathroom, and also at the same time Joyce comes out of her cubicle to put highlighters she ordered me at my desk. So she's talking to me and I turn and I try to look at Scott, but I have to look at Joyce. Scott just watches me.

I go out into the warehouse to get paper to fill the cabinet. I see Steve isn't in the office, but Scott doesn't acknowledge me until my second trip. He looks at me through his window and I open the door and give him a little smile. He smiles and turns to me and asks if I need help. I tell him I’m okay.

I don’t get to talk to Scott during my lunch. He must have went out into the warehouse while I was putting my bag upstairs, because when I come down to use the bathroom, I can see he’s not in his office. I go back to my desk and read...for the next 15 minutes. Scott comes back in at 12:40, 5 minutes before my lunch is over. I’m debating on whether or not to still go in when he comes out to use the bathroom. This has never happened before. I start to get anxious thoughts, that maybe he did it on purpose because he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I think about what he said a week and a half ago, and whether or not he meant it: “What do you want me to do, just ignore you?”. I feel sad.

When Scott makes his tea during his lunch, we ask each other how our day is going. Scott says he’s been really busy. After he finishes his tea, he lounges up against the counter, which he usually doesn’t do. I have some hope that he is trying to make up for my lunch and that maybe he does want to talk to me. He tells me he had raspberry yogurt but that I probably wouldn’t like it, but I tell him I approve of the raspberry. I tell him how I think I’m so against blackberry flavor cuz I had some bad experiences. My one sister shoved a blackberry Sour Head down my throat when I was like 5, and I choked on it until I threw up black. Then when I was 17, I stole some of my dad’s blackberry liquor, which was disgusting but I still drank it. Scott says he can see why I don’t like it. I’m actually the one who walks away, ending the conversation, when a lot of times it’s Scott, especially on his lunch. He was willing to give me some of his lunch time today. 

I'm at the printer when he comes back in from lunch, which rarely happens. I finish stamping my order and turn around. Scott is throwing something in the recycling bin, so he's not looking at me. He looks up just as I'm about to enter my cubicle. I do one of those smiles with my mouth all the way to the right side of my face. I go into my cubicle without stopping to see if he responds back to me. I haven’t been on the receiving end lately.

I eat the last of my yellow watermelon I have in the mini fridge, so I go to the sink to rinse it out. The bathroom door is closed. I am standing over the trashcan, emptying out the tiny pieces that are left when the door opens. It’s Scott. He smiles and says, “Oh, hello.” I smile back at him. He goes to the receptionist stand to ask who fixes the paper towels, then he comes back and ends up fixing them himself. “Did you break it?” I ask as I come up to the sink in the bathroom to wash my hands (there isn’t hand soap at the sink outside of the bathroom). “No, I’m fixing it,” he replies. “It was empty.” He goes back out of the bathroom to tell the receptionist never mind, and after I dry my hands off I head back to my desk.

A little later in the day, I come out of the bathroom, and I can hear the paper towels in the men’s room. The door opens right as I’m about to turn into my cubicle. I turn my head and see it’s Scott, so I back up. “Following me?” I ask. “Seems like it” is all he says.

I go into his office at the end of the day and ask him if he stretched his hamstrings last night, but he says he didn’t. He did have his chiropractor appointment though, so he felt like he didn’t need to. I tell him it’s been a weird day, which it has been, and he actually agrees. I tell him how a guy I work with at the restaurant messaged me some weird thing about pasta salad, and I tell him about that. He just looks at me. I tell him how Will tried to scare me when I went out into the warehouse, but I just turned my head to look at him. Scott thought it was funny when I demonstrated. When I was heading back, Will was trying to sneak attack me, but I saw the top of his head, and so I jumped out at him. He wasn’t expecting it. It was pretty funny. Scott laughs at it too. He tells me he might just take the whole day off tomorrow since he doesn’t want to come in after getting his filling replaced, since his mouth will be numb. It’s time to go, and when I walk out of his office, Chris the engineer had his wife bring their puppy again. I sit on the ground as the puppy scrambles onto my lap and I talk to Chris for a minute or two. I get up, and Scott is getting ready to leave. I go and grab my things and say bye to Pete and Joyce. Scott comes walking out of his office behind me, so I stop for a few seconds to wait for him. “You didn’t want to see the puppy?” I ask. “Nah, I gotta stop at Best Buy. I’m kinda in a hurry.” “Oh, okay.” I walk a little faster. He’s so serious sometimes. We go outside and I say, “See you tomorrow”, but all he replies is “Aight.” I’m thinking about how that’s weird, but then when I get to my car I remember he said he might not come in tomorrow. I start to worry about how he’s going to think I don’t pay attention to him. I do, it’s just my brain is constantly like, on fire lol. Scott does pass me on the highway and I turn to look at him right after he passes, just a second too late. It looked like he was looking at me, but I can’t be sure.

Thursday - Scott doesn’t come in today. He decided to take the day off. Throughout the day, I plan stuff that I feel I need to say to Scott about what’s going on on my end. I plan to keep it short and to the point.

Friday -  Scott comes im several minutes late, so I didn’t get to greet him. Right after he comes in, he tells Steve how he went to the beach. I get that ugly, sad feeling again. 

I end up walking by his office several times, but I might as well not even exist in Scott’s world anymore. At one point, I end up walking back in from the warehouse while he’s turned and talking to Steve. As soon as I look at him, he averts his eyes, but keeps talking. I don’t know what’s going on, quite honestly.

Just like Wednesday, I end up coming out of the bathroom right before he does. I turn and look at him. No reaction.

During my lunch, I go in and ask how his day’s been. He’s busy. I don’t waste any time in saying, “Yeah, I realized Wednesday after I said ‘See you tomorrow’ that you said you might not come in. I’m just so used to saying it.” He laughs and says it’s okay. I only thought about it maybe 20 times yesterday. He gets a phone call and after he hangs up he tells me how he’s working on this large order for some guy who always asks for quotes and then barely orders anything, so it’s a waste of his time. His boss, Non-engineer Chris, was supposed to do the order, but he’s out today. I keep talking while Scott works. I tell him how I had the coconut Oui yogurt, which is Scott’s favorite flavor, but I like the fruit ones better. I actually had a strawberry banana coconut milk yogurt that was amazing. I’ve been trying to replace all of my dairy products with non-dairy. I tell him how last night I was carrying my trash, but it was so heavy and then I remembered I still had the watermelon shell in there, plus all of my regular trash. The trash ended up ripping in the middle of the lot, so I had to pick stuff up and carry it, but then there was still a mound of litter that I left there. It was raining pretty heavy during my lunch, so if it was still there, I knew it would be gone now. I mention the highway from the other day when we were going to same speed and driving parallel to each other. Scott smiles and says he saw me. I tell him how I read a thing that says if you play your music loud, studies show you’re probably a bad driver. Scott asks me if I believe I’m a bad driver. “Well, that’s what everyone tells me. Oh, but then the thing also said at the end at least you look cool with your music playing loud, but idk how cool I look in my blue Dodge.” Scott laughs. Neither one of us has weekend plans, so there’s nothing to talk about regarding that. He talks to me about his order a little bit and then Steve comes in. Steve usually goes to fill up his water right after he comes in, so I say, “I always think Steve is early, but nope, he’s always punctual.” I get up and Scott says, “Sorry I was busy the whole time.” “It’s okay. I know,” I say as I walk out. I had been practicing what I want to say all day, but it just didn’t seem right to say anything while I was in there on my lunch. He was busy working on the quote for that guy, so I knew it was not the right time. I know I will do it at the end of the day.

About 15-20 minutes later, Scott still hasn’t gone to lunch. I come out of my cubicle to use the bathroom right at the same time he comes out of his cubicle to fill his water. He turns to me and actually has a small smile on his face as he looks at me. I’m pleasantly surprised. I don’t get to see him again until the very end of the day.

I go in to talk to Scott with 10 minutes left in the work day. I ask if he's been busy the rest of the day and he says a little but not too bad, but then Steve's phone is paged so Scott has to take the call. He says "this guy's an asshole" and then answers the phone. The phone call goes on and on. During this time I take a quick peek at the calendar. Steve has off next Friday, and then Scott took off Friday the 17th and Monday the 20th. Oh.... I sit in the chair and go over everything I need to say. I’m mentally ready. Scott finally gets off the phone after almost 10 minutes. He says that guy had been calling Steve all day and that he had talked to the guy too at one point and accidentally hung up on him, but the guy called back. It's 4:45 now, but I can't leave without saying what I need to say. I don't feel awkward or nervous; if anything, I’m very calm. "I'm sorry about 2 weeks ago." Then I stop. I wasn't planning on stopping; I was hoping to just breeze my way through the whole thing. I don’t know why I stop, and because I surprised myself, I just look up at Scott, who then looks down at me. "I was just having a lot of anxiety." I had planned to say more about this. I was going to also say "I was having a rough week" and "I had an anxiety attack, which I'm sure you saw" and “My best solution is to confront all of the things giving me anxiety”, but it didn't seem right anymore to add those in. Scott says back, soothingly, "Don't worry about it." I continue, "I just don't understand a lot of things, and that's all I was trying to do. I like you, but I know you're married. I don't want you to think I have any ulterior motives or anything talking to you. I just like talking to you." I can't help but look up at him with a little smile on my face after I say that. "I wasn't sure what you were thinking, so I just wanted to make all of that clear." Scott says again, "Dont worry about it." He also said "it's alright" a few times in that sweet, soothing way of his while I was talking. I wasn't looking at him the whole time I was talking, but I could see he never took his eyes off of me. He had a small smile on his face, but it was so different from the one 2 weeks ago. This one was genuine and caring, and though it wasn't a big smile, it still reached his eyes. I don't hang around. "Have a nice weekend, Scott." "Aight. Thanks, you too, Dana." I look through Steve's window as I pass, but Scott is looking back at his screen. I go and grab my things, give Pete my hours sheet, and then go outside. I clutch my book to my chest as I walk and take deep breaths. "Don't cry, Dana. Don't cry." I get into my car. It's 4:49. I assume Scott will be stuck inside for at least a few more minutes because of the phone call he got. I pull away. I start crying before I reach the gate.

I don't know what Scott thinks, what he feels, or what is going on, or what was ever going on. I guess I had been naive to think that he had feelings for me too, but maybe he really did change his mind about me. I don't know. I know I had to say those things though, and I wouldn't have felt any peace till I did. I like being open and honest, that's just who I am, and it is always unnatural for me to hold back and hurts me in the end. I didn't expect myself to cry, but then in hindsight, I should have seen it coming. I felt really off yesterday into today, and then add to that equation barely talking to Scott for most of the week, and then telling him things without any reciprocation whatsoever...it hurts. I wasn’t expecting anything in return from Scott; I just wanted to say those things because I felt it was the right thing to do, not because i wanted anything in return.

I start to wonder again what is going on on Scott’s end. Was he having a rough patch in his marriage or something, and things are finally looking better? Did everything really boil down to him just liking the attention from me? Does he just not get that much attention at home, and he liked that I have always been happy to see and talk to him? Did he really marry the right person and is meant to be with his wife? I have no answers, and I guess Scott doesn’t really care enough to give them to me.

I look back over all of these months, back to the beginning, back to December. I can see everything along this timeline, and I can see clearly how it started, how it’s gone since then, and where it is now. I can see it all so, so clearly, and I ask myself, “what was the purpose of all this?” I do have a few answers for it, but they also don’t feel conclusive to me, and I can’t explain why. I want them to be, but they’re not, and I wonder if it’s because I know how difficult this is going to continue to be, my battle with things drastically changing between Scott and I and my uncertainty of what that means for me.

I think about so many honest and tender moments between us, how many times he looked at me with such a glow, such a light, and I just keep wondering how this is a happily married man. There is so much I don’t understand, and I am trying to come to peace with that without having any answers from Scott. This is not the first time I’ve had to do this with someone; it’s happened to me with friendships and romances, and it is very hard to do. People close themselves off, and I think it’s sad. I don’t want to be like that, and I think I’ve done a pretty decent job with being an open and honest person. I try not to put too much faith in people anymore and remind myself “Not everyone has the same heart that you do,” but of course, there’s still always some bit of disappointment there. It’s unavoidable. Even if you know it’s coming, you can’t ever fully prepare for the letdown.

I haven't felt so sad for myself in a very long time. In years, probably. I think maybe because I've felt like this whole time I've been doing nothing but the right things, or at least trying to, and it still didn’t really matter in the end. This is still resulting in heartbreak. And I'm well aware I am owed an apology from Scott for many things, but I forgive him anyway without one. If you always expect people to admit when they’re wrong and to give an apology just because that’s what you always do, it’s just more disappointment. I just wonder though if he's even aware of what he's done, and if he even cares. That’s a hard pill to swallow, knowing how much I care and finally realizing that he may not care as much as I thought he did. Unless he does and he’s just hiding it. Scott is very, very good at hiding his emotions. He is much more reserved than I am. It takes a lot for me at times to really see and feel what is truly going on with him, and still even half the time I cannot quite figure it out or put my finger on it. Making these posts has not only been ways for me to document moments and memories, but also ways to help me reflect and come to realizations about both Scott and this situation.

And even though I told Scott that I like him, told him I have no ill intentions, told him I just wanted to understand, that is still such a small, small portion of all that is really going on inside of me. I felt satisfied telling him just that little bit, because I do feel like it conveyed so much, but I know that the deep inner workings of my own self haven’t come through, and Scott may never see that.

I don’t know how to say out loud what this really feels like. How there have been so many colors, so beautiful, bold and bright, and as I walked to my car, clutching my book to my chest and fighting off my tears, I saw the colors melt away, leaving a stain of what was once there. And I saw the world in a sepia tone, and everything felt so lifeless and dull. I saw all of the colors, and then they were gone, and I have been left to wonder if it would have been better to not have experienced the colors at all. 

And I just don’t know.

[engagedtobefree]

Monday - I wake up today thinking that today is going to be a good day. Not sure why, maybe because of how shitty I felt last week injuring my neck. The whole week really was better than last week, in general. 

Mondays I am always excited to greet Scott in the mornings. After going 2 days without seeing or talking to him, I am always ready to be in his presence once more. I greet him at the printer on this morning. About half an hour later, I happen to be at the printer again when he walks out of his office to go use the bathroom. “Have you been standing there this whole time?” I tell him no, and am not sure if he’s being serious or joking. Not long after this, a guy comes in from the warehouse asking Steve and Scott where Chris’s new office is. Scott tells him where and the guy starts walking in the direction he needs to go in. Scott goes into his doorway and says stuff like, “Make a left..keep going...just keep going...you got it.” I look at him and he smiles big at me and I smile back. 

I have to ask a co-worker, Ed, about an order. He and another woman handle Latin America and Mexico shipments since they speak Spanish. I have to walk down Scott’s office hallway. When I finish talking to Ed and head back toward my cubicle, Scott turns to look at me and gives me a little smile, and I smile back. I have my booties on today and they’re really loud, so he couldn’t miss me.

During my lunch, I go into Scott’s office as soon as I can so I have plenty of time to talk to him about our weekends. I tell him I got my massage and he asks how it was. I tell him she was a little rough, but got my knots out. I then say, “Yeah, I got a little butt massage at the end too. That was nice.” Scott laughs. Booty massages are the best. He tells me how he did a bit of yard work and changed the headlight in his car. He says how his one plant was dying and how he saw a long line of ants going to it, but he killed them. Turns out, the ants were actually helping get rid of what was killing his plant. I tell him about how I saw a wasp in between my patio door and the screen Friday night and how I thought, “Look at this stupid wasp, he’s stuck.” Well Saturday morning, as I’m sitting there drinking my coffee and reading, the wasp is there again building a nest in the door track. Last year when I moved in, there was already a wasp nest there so I had maintenance come and take care of it. I tell Scott “This time it feels personal. Like, I watched him make his nest right in front of me. I want to personally destroy him.” I tell him I’m going to get wasp spray and how I heard it works instantly. “Last time there were 3 wasps. Luckily this time there’s just 1. But he thinks he’s going to make his little bachelor pad on my porch and he’s wrong.” Scott laughs, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know how to respond to what I say sometimes lol. His hat is lifted up a bit, so more of his forehead shows. I can tell he has a receding hairline, but I don’t care in the slightest. The only thing I’m thinking about is kissing his forehead. Sigh.... Scott starts telling me how he took his daughter to Lowe’s with him on Sunday. He needed some nuts and bolts, and they had 3 bins full of them. His daughter was taking some out of one and putting them in another, messing them all up. Then she hands him a handful of some and says, “Here, daddy.” Oh, it’s so cute: the whole story, how he talks about her, how much she loves him. I pretty much always say the wrong thing though, so after saying it’s cute, I tell him I think most kids do stuff like that. Scott says, “I guess.” I try to redeem myself by saying, “Well, if anyone at Lowe’s ever pisses you off, just take your daughter with you and have her mess things up.” Scott laughs at this.

When Scott makes his tea toward the end of the day, I can tell something is off. He’s in a weird mood. I had heard him on his cellphone not long before this and he went into the warehouse to talk privately. Idk if that had anything to do with it. He’s not really talkative though, and at the end of the day I don’t go into his office. I do pass by him and his hat is on backwards and I want to stop to tell him he looks good, but I don’t. Scott leaves right as it turns 4:45. I hear him and check the security mirror to see if he’s actually leaving because he rarely leaves on time and almost never leaves before me. He had stopped to stand outside his doorway for a few seconds, then conintued walking, quicker than normal. I walk out less than a minute later. He is already in his car and waves to me over the steering wheel. I wave back. He pulls out and leaves before I even get in my car.

Tuesday - Scott is not very talkative today. I don’t mind though, I just hope everything is okay. During my lunch, I tell him how I got a new trash can. I had a plastic one up until now, which I hated because they get so dirty, the lid always fell in the trash, and the trash bags never stayed on. I finally got a stainless steel one with a pedal. I tell Scott, “It’s the little things, ya know?”. I really am excited about my trash can. I tell him I tried the blueberry flavor of the Oui yogurt and how it’s a stupid name because oui means “yes”. We both agree that since most Americans probably don’t know how to even pronounce it just looking at the word that it doesn’t really matter. Scott didn’t know how to say it lol. He asks if I took French in high school, which I did tell him months ago that I did. Again, Idk if it’s because he had less interest in me then or if he is just very forgetful, which I do know Scott can be pretty forgetful. I do notice now how he seems to make a conscious effort to remember things I tell him. He asks me if I remember how to say anything, and I only remember how to say some basic stuff and “I like cheese”, only because I can remember “J’aime” means “I like” and “fromage” means “cheese”, so I just put them together. “That won’t get you very far”, Scott replies, which is very true haha. I do remember hello, good bye, please, and thank you, though those won’t get me far either. I tell him I do remember how to say blue, which is “bleu” (pronounced bluh). Scott finds the word amusing. When Steve comes in, he asks me what Joyce’s meeting is about. “Wait, what meeting? I wasn’t invited.” “Maybe it’s about you”, Scott says. I jokingly tell him he needs to tell me what’s said about me then. I ask Joyce what the meeting is for, and it’s to get ideas from people to make work better and what we should do for fun events. I already gave Joyce some of my ideas, hence why she didn’t invite me. My one idea was dodgeball, so I tell Scott when he’s making tea that he needs to back me up. He tells me the next day he suggested we have four 10 hour workdays instead of five 8 hours. I’m not sure if I like that idea or not. Another idea I had was stand-up desks. I tell Scott this the next day as well, and he said Chris bought them for him and Steve. I wouldn’t mind having to pay for my own tbh.

Wednesday - I greet Scott in the morning at the coffee machine. A little later while I’m at the printer, he comes out of the bathroom, making that face he always makes when he comes out from there and I’m at the printer. I’ve already described it so many times. His face always seems bright, clear, open, his eyes always set right on me. Not long after this, I come out of the bathroom and a co-worker, Rebecca, is making coffee. She sees me and starts talking to me as I stand at the intersection of my cubicle and the hallway. I hear the back door open and turn to see it’s Scott. We give each other small smiles, and then I turn back to Rebecca. As Scott comes up and is about to pass me, I turn back to smile at him again. His eyes were still on me, smile still glued to his face.

During my lunch, we somehow get on the topic of French again. Scott is still pretty quiet today. I know it can’t be me, because I noticed that he hasn’t been talking as much to Steve either. I don’t listen to their conversations anymore, but I can still hear if they’re talking, and I noticed a difference the past two days. I tell Scott I gotta go and he says, “Oh, am I boring you?”. “No, my lunch is over.” I wonder if he’s aware of himself being less talkative. I honestly don’t care, as long as I get to be around him. That’s all that matters to me.

During his lunch, I’m standing at the printer mouthing and dancing along to “Pierre” by Ryn Weaver. Scott comes walking over to make tea. I turn to Scott and stop. He’s smiling. “What are you listening to?”. “Ryn Weaver. The song is called Pierre. I started thinking about French again and it got stuck in my head.” A little while later, I’m walking toward the bathroom when I hear the back door open. I know it must be Scott coming in from his lunch, so I stop walking for a split second and then continue. As I’m turning toward the bathroom, he comes walking up and he grins at me when he sees me. 

At the end of the day, I go to his office to chat for a few minutes. The 2 new female engineers pass by to go into the warehouse with another engineer who is showing them around. Scott looks at them through his window, and I feel a surge of jealousy. I deduce later that he is just curious, as when he talks he seems like he is, but I can still feel an angry little beast clawing in my chest, breathing fire (thanks, Harry Potter, for this image from when you were jealous of Ginny with Dean). Both of the girls seem just a bit younger than me. I don’t think Scott has any interest in them, but nonetheless, it takes me a bit to actually believe this. He gets a phone call and Scott says how the woman who just called has recently got herself to the #1 spot of most annoying customers. I laugh and say I like how he has a list. I say bye and go to shut down and head to my car. When Scott comes out, I wave to him, and we leave about the same time. I can tell by the smile he gives me when he leaves that it’s still me he wants. The beast in my chest purrs.

I notice that when Scott changed his headlights, he put in a different color. Before, his headlights were a purplish color, and now they’re yellowish. There’s so much traffic on the way home that I don’t even notice where Scott is behind me. I bob in and out of cars and get out of a bit of a mess. As I’m about to get off my exit, I see a car with yellowish lights in the middle lane a little behind me, but I assume it isn’t Scott. When the car passes though, I see it is him. Usually whenever he passes me as I get off, he’s in the left lane, so he’s never passed me at such close proximity before.

Thursday - I’m actively busy in the morning, printing a lot, making my coffee, and then going in and out the warehouse twice to bring in paper for the printer. Scott comes in roughly 10 minutes later than usual, while I’m out in the warehouse, so I don’t get to greet him. Idk why, but some days when I miss greeting Scott in the morning, I’m okay with it, but other days I frantically look for ways to stay out of my cubicle to greet him. However, not long after, while I’m at the printer, Scott stops at the warehouse door before he goes out to say hey and ask me how I’m doing. I see him again when I come out of Joyce’s cubicle at the same exact time he comes out of his office. I feel very pretty today: I’m wearing a comfortable outfit and my hair is very straight. I can feel it blowing around me as I walk. Scott pretty much turns sideways as he walks straight ahead so that he can look at me and give me a little smile that I return back to him. We have this weird knack for exiting or entering our work spaces/area at the same exact time. It happens quite often. What also happens a lot is we will be in the bathroom at the same time or he will go literally within minutes of me getting back from the bathroom. I wish we would just collide one of these days, just so that I can at least have an excuse to be close to him, pressed against him. 

I go into Scott’s office during my lunch, and he’s back to his normal, talkative self today. I’m happy to see him in a better mood, and still can’t help but wonder if there was something that had been bothering him. I tell him I saw him pass me on the highway but didn’t know it was him till after he passed. Just like me, he had been weaving in and out of cars to get out of the mess. He tells me there was an accident by him this morning, which is why he was late. I love how he just tells me things like this now. It’s nice. I pull one of my hairs off my sweater and throw it onto the floor. I do this quite often when I’m in his office. “You probably have so many of my hairs on your floor.” He laughs and says how there’s all sorts of stuff on the floor probably, since the cleaning people don’t do anything but clean the bathroom (not even well) and change the trash bags. He tells me not to worry about it. “Oh, I don’t, that’s why I just-” and I make a motion as if I’m picking off another hair and dropping it to the floor. Scott laughs. He tells me he was able to move his stomach appointment up. He’s getting a scope done, just to check and make sure there’s nothing serious going on. He said he’s been gradually feeling better but he still wants to go just in case. He wasn’t supposed to go until the 26th, but he’s now going the 14th, a week from today. I’m happy he’s getting in early, though I hate days I don’t get to be around him. I tell myself it’s fine, I’ll just be able to read more during my lunch. It’s some sort of consolation, at least. I ask Scott if he minds me coming in to talk to him, and he says he doesn’t. I’ve wanted to ask this for awhile now, just to be sure, to ease my anxiety. I think he would be honest with me about that, so I feel better. We start talking about making the workday go by, and I tell him I often listen to podcasts while I work. He and Steve put on a sports talk show in the morning, which reminds me of something I’ve never mentioned. “Oh yeah! I always thought you guys were listening to Steve Wilkos in the morning and I would get confused like, ‘Why do they listen to Steve Wilkos?’”. Scott doesn’t know who he is, so I explain to him and open a youtube video so he can hear his voice. Scott immediately says the other guy’s name, Anthony something, and he agrees they sound similar. I think it’s really funny and crack up. 

Random tidbit, but I realized another connection about our birthdays. So his is 1/15 and mine is 10/15, so you just have to add a 0 to his to get mine. And if you add up the numbers of our birthdates consecutively, you get 27 (mine) and 28 (his). I know this is random, but I love noticing little things like this, not just with Scott, but things in general. 

I’m looking out the window, and the sky is pretty. The clouds are big and fluffy and moving slowly. Maybe a few minutes later, Scott is making his lunchtime tea. I tell him the sky looks pretty and he says he’ll have to look when he goes out. Whether he does or not, I don’t know.

Scott makes some tea again in the late afternoon. “Making tea again?”, I ask. “Yeah, I don’t really need it, just like it for the taste.” I tell him I have blueberry honey if he wants to try it, and he says he will. I open it for him since the lid is kind of sticky. He goes over to stand next to the printer, and when I walk up to him from my cubicle, we end up standing super close. I hand him the jar with my right hand and go to put my left arm around him, but catch myself in time for it to not be noticeable. Our fingers grazed as he took the honey from me. His hands feel as rough as they look, and I wish I could feel more of them. Scott slowly tips the honey and asks, “Like this?” I pause and then say, “Ummm...no, wait. I usually dip the uhhh stirrer in and then put that in my tea.” He goes and grabs 2 stirrers and comes back up next to me, standing just as close to me as before. He dips the stirrers in and asks if it’s too much. I laugh and say, “Yes, you don’t need that much, let it drip. It’s just a small cup of tea.”  I almost say, “You are so cute” as I’m standing there laughing. When I get so close to him, it’s really hard to restrain myself. I want nothing more right now than to wrap my arms around him. At the end of the day I ask him if he liked it, and he said he couldn’t taste the blueberry flavor, to which I respond, “Yeah, it works better in fruity teas cuz it enhances the flavor.” I tease him for almost pouring a bunch of honey into his cup. He laughs and says, “I don’t know, I never use honey”. God, he is the cutest fucking thing.

Friday - About 15 minutes before my lunch, I grab a pretzel at the receptionist desk. I like them warm, so I heat mine up in the microwae. Idk if Scott saw me when I grabbed a paper towel, but when I’m done heating my pretzel and walk back to my cubicle, Scott had been turned toward me. He wasn’t looking at me at first, but then he did when I got closer and gave me a small smile, which I returned.

When I go to talk to Scott on my lunch, he is still back to his normal self. I’m drinking aloe water and offer him some, but he said he had it one time and he thinks it upset his stomach. We get talking about different drinks: we both agree pulp and chunks are gross; I advise him never to have kombucha; and I tell him of my mixed feelings on a chia seed drink I had once. I ask him about his plans for the weekend and he says helping his brother-in-law install a toilet, but most likely he will be doing most of the work. I can feel the beast inside my chest raging now. I am only half-listening, though I am trying to calm myself. I automatically assume it’s his wife’s brother, though I don’t even know if she has a brother, and I don’t register when Scott mentions his nephew, so he was talking about his sister’s husband. I stare at Scott’s arm and have a strong yearning to gently glide my fingers up and down his forearm. I imagine what that would feel like at my fingertips, and how nice it would probably feel for him. I think that this is what finally calms me. He asks me my plans and I tell him probably seeing a friend I haven’t seen in awhile and also going to Barnes and Noble. Scott said he had been in B+N once, and I make some sort of face cuz he laughs and says I looked shocked. “No, I’m not shocked”, but I think maybe I am because how the hell do you go into the bookstore once?? He said he only goes there for the Fantasy Football magazine in September. I tell him I don’t always buy stuff, that I just like being around books, which for some reason makes him smile. When I mentioned my friend and used the pronoun “he”, Scott gave me a weird look, and I wonder if he had a jealous moment himself. I wasn’t trying to incite any jealousy or anything, was only being honest with him about my weekend. We talk without a break in the conversation for the rest of my lunch. He asks me if I’m permanent yet (I’m not, and Scott will probably be the first person I tell tbh); he jokes about how since he has so much vacation he could take like a month straight off, to which I reply “Steve would probably kill you”; he asks me a few things about being vegetarian; we get on the topic of accents and I mention how my one brother-in-law is from China and is hard to understand. Then it clicks that he must have been talking about his sister’s husband. 

I am at the printer when Scott returns from his lunch. I turn around and smile at him and he smiles back. I go into his office at the end of the day Friday like always. I had gone to the paper recycling bin and when I turned around, Scott turned his body toward me while still reading an email, and then turned his head to me a few seconds later as well. I was going to go in anyway. I ask him how the second half of his day has been and he says it picked up a bit. He has 2 chairs now sitting next to each other since Chris gave him an extra one, even though Scott doesn’t need them at all. I sit in the second chair, drape my legs over the middle arms where the chairs touch, and put my back up against his printer. Scott offers me his banana, which I accept. I make sure I grab it in a way where my fingers graze his :) I tell him I’m ready for bed and he’s like “what??”. I tell him how I think stuff has been catching up to me, all those times I barely slept. “I like to put on my headphones and dance around my place, and I used to always do this super late at night, like 10-11pm. I’m honestly surprised my neighbors beneath me never complained.” Scott is smiling. I do still dance, just now within reasonable hours. He asks me if I’m doing anything that night and I tell him I’m meeting my mom for dinner, and he asks me where. We start talking about high school for some reason. Our conversations somehow always end up on many different topics. I tell him, “If I don’t see you on the way out, have a nice weekend, Scott.” “Aight, you too, Dana.” He smiles at his screen and I turn around to say, “See you Monday.” Scott leaves before me somehow, yet again. As I walk outside, he is halfway in his car, and he breaks into a big grin when he sees me. He waves and I wave back. I love how he can’t help but show how happy he is when he sees me.

So yeah, these posts got really long again somehow. Idk, I just like documenting all our little moments, and I write them out at my second job on Sundays this way I don’t really have to give up any of my time at home, unless of course I don’t finish these at work. I wonder what Scott would think if he knew I wrote about him every week. Would he be freaked out or would it make him feel good? Idk. I should try to make these shorter again honestly; I mean, I don’t really go back and read them. Anyway, I do like getting to know Scott and developing a bond with him. Yeah, I do think about being affectionate with him a lot, but I still don’t know if that will ever happen. I do feel like he came into my life for a reason though, and that it will be a very long time before he leaves it.

#scott #personal

[allumetterouge]

@glaciya made me do it :D

Thank you <33

The rules dictate to tag 25 people.... @gyromagnetism, @minchen0897, @careamorran, @kiragecko, @beta-lactamase, @lexiconallie, @kyoro-chan, @generatorcat, @hearyoucantalktofish, @sofiama, @phantomchick, @bunny-loverxiv, @tanekore, @cerusee, @the-jasontodd-cult, @doublerainbowlover

- you don’t have to do it if you don’t feel like it or did that game already, of course ;)

LAST… [1] drink: Chocolate milk. I’ve just gotten home from work. Fight me. [2] phone call: Talking to one of my kids’ mothers [3] text message: to a co-worker about work-stuff [4] song you listened to: Foo Fighters’ ‘Long Way to Ruin’ [5] time you cried: last Wednesday because of an argument

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: nah [7] been cheated on: not in a relationship. but there was this little kid who didn’t like his food and I told him to eat half. Next time I looked, half of the food was gone and I allowed him to go brush his teeth. I later found the half I had thought he’d eaten on the floor under the table... :’D [8] kissed someone and regretted it: ooooh, don’t call me out like that, but yes. [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: *shrugs* [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nah. give me a can of coke and rum and I already get tipsy, but I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk. when I’m in pain, I’m a throwing-up champion, though!

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] that ugly brown-green-ish you get when you and your kids just mix every colour on the table [13] that strange off-red you get when you try to mix brown from your available fingerpaints [14] that white when you decide to draw the Easter bunny as an albino rabbit because you remember how things turned out the last time you tried to mix brown

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: I guess - do co-workers and acquaintances from the internet count? Yes? Then yes. Still don’t have many people to hang out with. Y’all need to move closer [16] fallen out of love: maybe with the image I had of my family [17] laughed until you cried: yessss. just last Monday during our team meeting :D [18] found out someone was talking about you?: hmm, not in the gossip kinda way. people talk about me because of all of us working with the same child/group all the time, so I guess it’s natural for people to talk about me? But personal-wise there’s not much to talk about [19] met someone who changed you: nah. I’ve known Sonja for more than a year and I’m in therapy longer, too. work and my kids changed me, so maybe they count? Some of them I’ve only met recently [20] found out who your true friends are: I wouldn’t say that, no [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: I don’t have facebook, sooo

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: none of them :D [23] do you have any pets: I still only have plants. But it’s sixteen plants now, I think. [24] do you want to change your name: Yeah, no [25] what did you do for your last birthday: My sister and dad came to visit shortly, but other than that it was a normal workday [26] what time did you wake up: today? Around 7:30AM [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: binge-watching Iron Fist in bed. I should’ve slept. The show isn’t really worth staying up for [28] name something you cannot wait for: having less jobs and still being able to pay rent [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: on Monday actually. She got me a printer for getting a passing grade on my bachelor’s thesis [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Society, probably. But since that’s completely impossible, something about myself... maybe having SOME self-worth would be nice [31] what are you listening to right now: each an every keystroke in this sentence [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: Actually... no [34] most visited website: tumblr. I’m not doing that much online... [35] elementary: was fun [37] college: Urgh [38] hair colour: right now dyed cherry-red/purple-ish [39] long or short hair: I guess it counts as ‘long’ now, as it goes past my shoulder blades [40] do you have a crush on someone: no, but there are people I’d like to crush, period [41] what do you like about yourself? [42] piercings: only earrings, though I had wanted to get more [43] blood type: I don’t know? I think you have to pay for that knowledge now.. I know my dad’s bloodtype since he needed to know when he was enlisted [44] nickname: At work I’m often called Meiki and I’m fine with that [45] relationship status: it’s complicated :D [46] zodiac sign: Scorpio [47] pronouns: she/her, they/them [48] fav tv show: uuuuh, usually the last one I’ve watched which ... isn’t Iron Fist right now. Generator Rex was great, but for this question I should probably go with Leverage again. Leverage is wonderful and an all-time favourite [49] tattoos: none and I can’t see myself having any, though I kinda like them on other people [50] right or left handed: right

FIRST… [51] surgery: I think the stuff before my wisdom teeth wasn’t surgery, sooo [52] piercing: just my ears when I was a little bean bag [53] best friend: [54] sport: Work doesn’t count, does it? I’m child-weight-lifting regularly, though [55] vacation: Don’t ask me, I don’t even remember high school [56] pair of trainers: as in... shoes?! What kind of question is this?

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: my chocolate milk is gone by now... [59] i’m about to: think about what to make for dinner [60] listening to: still just my typing [61] waiting for: dinner time, for now [62] want: to be done with uni, get work I feel comfortable with a lot, get better in general [63] get married: maybe for tax reasons [64] career: Yeah, maybe once I find something I’m good at

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: Hugs. I didn’t make such good experience with kissing but hugs are great [66] lips or eyes: ... depends on what I’d need them for? [67] shorter or taller: are we talking about my ‘type’? Because I’m ace :D [68] older or younger: my dream partner is 90-40-90 [70] nice arms or nice stomach: Both? Both sounds good? Idk?! [71] sensitive or loud: my kids are loud. who would want a loud partner? are we still talking about relationship stuff? [72] hook up or relationship: hook me up with a lifetime supply of Red Bull [73] troublemaker or hesitant: I’m giving up. this is so strange and I don’t get the questions :’D

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? nope [75] drank hard liquor? I don’t like the taste of alcohol, though I do drink some rum with coke once in a while [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? never, actually. my glasses are either on my nose or on the shelf beside my bed [77] turned someone down: jup, a few times, but hardly any of them was serious [78] sex on first date? Iiiiiii don’t think so [79] broken someone’s heart? Probably. [80] had your own heart broken? not by a relationship break-up, no [81] been arrested? No [82] cried when someone died? yeah [83] fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? too little [85] miracles? I call them magic because it’s more fun like that :D But not really, no [86] love at first sight? crushing and being attracted to someone, yes, but not love [87] santa claus? Oh come ON. Someone HAS TO believe in him [88] kiss on the first date? why not [89] angels? nah. though they’re kinda fun

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: [91] eye colour: brown [92] favourite movie: right now, Moana

#/personal

[mytcisanartteacher]

So

It is 4 AM, and I have a zoom meeting at 9, and I just can't sleep. The classical music, lo-fi music, PODCASTS, TEA, some waves crashing into rocks sounds, ABSOLUTE SILENCE, BOOKS, or anything is making me tired. What kind of THOUGHTS is making me not sleepy! What is on my mind????

Is it him? I don't know....

🥺 🥺 🥺

Maybe...

I completely forgot! The last hangouts meet we had was last week, and he decided that we dress up wacky, crazy, and just something random for the class! I didn't plan anything out! Well, tomorrow (technically today) is monday and we don't have a video chat until tuesday... so something will be planned last minute. I'm not sure how I'll dress up though. What should I do with my hair? I have purple lipstick and like red lipstick so I can probably just think of something up with that. I also have a sweater crop top in the same color as the lipstick, so I can just match that in. But the pants, shorts, skirt? Idk. I'll see what I can do. For sure jewelry, rings, bracelets, necklaces. But what should I do with the hair? I could hairspray it in a cute way. Idk, but for sure that neon purple crop top sweater and possibly that purple floral skirt I have. I can maybe put a bow in my hair too... the possibilities. I don't really have anything wacky or weird to wear. Oh since I'm wearing all purple I forgot I have these light up earrings that I can wear, and guess what color it is. Take a fucking guess.

That's right.

Purple.

Can I have anything that is not purple?

Oh right, my black and grey sweaters and pants.

That's just my palette, that's who I am. Some darkness and just wacky purple in there. MY PERSONALITY!

Oh my goodness. Just made another discovery tonight 😂

Anyway, I just can't wait until the video meeting tuesday, I can't wait to see if he's gonna dress up weird. Also he created another video, my dad showed me and its titled "The (Home) Office: (classes inserted here)" AND WOW. Aside from only watching like 3 and a half episodes of The Office, and it wasn't on my own free time, it was at school. I can say, that they nailed it. Ugh I love it. So cliche.

HE HAS A MUG THAT SAID WORLDS BEST ART TEACHER, ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I wish I could tell you more about my TC, because he is great and funny. The amount of humor he has... I think it's new, because I haven't seen that mug at school yet. Did he buy that just for that? Did he buy it just so he can say he IS the best art teacher in our town? Of course he did.

Oh my god... just watching the one for athletic conditioning and he's doing that PARKOUR thing... I only know that from tumblr, reddit, and twitter... oh goodness. This, this man child and his wife... oh gosh. Really? Blinking with Morse code? Actually I might decode it if he actually did morse code. If its just jumbled and not even morse code, then... what a.. I can't I'm speechless.

AlSO I AM IN BIG BIG TROUBLE because I haven't been doing my assignments. I keep forgetting, I don't check my emails as often... I am.. in deep shit. And I gotta clean up my act. Well, hopefully tomorrow (today) when I clean my room, shower, debate about getting a haircut by my ma, and just have another me day, I'll get my shit all flushed down and JUST STAY AWAY FROM SUCH A BAD CYCLE. AND IF I SLEEP BEFORE 11 PM, Its over for you bitches. Ok! I am graduating! I'll be going to college! I'll be living a different life! So it is TIME to change it a lot right now.

So, enough with staying up watching hermitcraft videos, no more staying up on Instagram. Ah crap. I need to buy journals for him so I can print out the gift I'm making.... oh dear. I HAVE 10 DAYS. I probably won't get much in because THERES SO MUCH and lemme tell you... this. Is just. Too much.

( i went on insta to go screenshot my saved thingies and I was scrolling for 3 minutes before realizing what I need to do... ugh me. )

(DAMN I DID IT AGAIN)

THERES 137 SAVED POSTS WITH DESCRIPTIONS ON SOME OF THEM. I'm thinking that maybe I should buy a flashdrive instead. I think that if I do, it'll be counted as inappropriate because it seems mysterious? I'll definitely show him before I give it to him, because I don't want them to take away my hard work of a simple gift. I could go the extra mile with a journal, but if I do then it'll rack up the ink on the printer at home. Maybe I'll use my siblings phone photo printer for most of them. So that way I can have a few pages of the small art photos with the descriptions. Idk, I'll have to see.

STOP BLOGGING ABOUT THIS. SLEEP. IT IS 4:40 AM.

until next time 🙃

#art teacher crush #tcc #tcc blog #teacher crush community #tcc feelings #tcc update #tcc thoughts #tcc life

[deafeningcreationperson-blog]

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

"Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freecarinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

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Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

Cheap car insurance I mean cheap?

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My dad's been footing the bill for my car insurance the past few years. Now that I've been driving for a while and got an internship, he wants me to pay. I'm not complaining, but I'm just want to compare how much you pay for your insurance (if you're a teen) or how much you pay for your teen. Also, I've not been involved in any accidents at all.. and no tickets as well, including parking tickets. For three vehicles and a travel trailer, my portion of the insurance is about 55% of the entire bill with a brand new car on the list.""

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I am getting a new car under my name. Is it ok to put the car under my sisters insurance?? Its too expensive if im on the insurance.

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When a person is the primary beneficiary & the deceased left debt, does the money for the unpaid debt come out first or is the beneficiary responsible for paying the debt?""

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My wife and I are wanting to have a baby and need to get health insurance that includes maternity. I have gotten a couple quotes, but they all seems somewhat high being that she is only 22 and in great health. Who would be the best and most affordable provider to talk to? Thanks, Dustin""

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My car insurance restarts September 24 I pay more for the 4month plan an want to switch. to a cheaper insurance company

I need to find cheap car insurance?

I am looking for car insurance and from where i am at right now with geico i will be paying over 300 dollars and thats the cheapest i could find. im currently 17 i have a permit not a licence and im about to turn 18 in a month. would it be cheaper to wait till im 18 should i get my licence now? im so confused......

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Hi, I'm 23 and I have a one year daughter. I was taking in consideration to apply for life insurance.. is it cheap? what is a good company to stick with? Thanks""

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""If im already on my parents insurance for two cars, how much more will it cost if they add a new small 03 car?""

The new car is an 03 mitsubishi lancer, the two cars i was insured on before were an elantra gt and a nissan titan (05) I wanted to know if insurance will shoot up a lot more with another car or if it will just be like another 40 or so dollars a month?""

Is it possible to get heath insurance in the US w/ a pre-existing condition I was born with?

I was born and raised in Ontario, Canada, and we get free heath care. But I'm moving to California for school in a little while, and I have a few questions about heath insurance. I was born w/ a serious heart condition that required several surgeries and will probably require even more in the future. Is it possible for me to get heath insurance w/ a pre-existing heath condition like that?""

Car insurance for new license holder?

what will be the prize of normal car insurance??? (i meant % of car prize) If the license is new what will the prize?? Im from dubai.. so i want to according to dubai market rate..

Adding a Black Box to my Car Insurance?

I am a new, young driver, and in order to reduce the cost of car insurance I am looking into the Black Box (I am aware of both the benefits and drawbacks). However, when finding a ...show more""

HOW come insurance co?

how come insurance co discraminate against people who have mental disease? I have tried in the past to get private insurance but because i have been treated for depression in the past, I have been denied by several companies. Now only I qualify for the State insurance, and it is way over-priced and hardly covers anything. This isn't fair to those of us that are self-employed. How are we able to get affordable insurance, if we are discraminated against.""

Where can i get cheap auto insurance in mass ?

OK. So I'm basically a new driver only got my licence about 3 months ago and now I'm buying a car. I am 20 years old and don't know if I am going to pay like 400 a month cause that's insane. Does anyone know a cheap auto insurance company or any where, where I could get help?""

How long does a insurance company give you to renew your car insurance?

i live in walsall and i am on a holdiday in skegness. My car insurance is up the day before my holiday finishes. but unfortunately my wallet got stolen from an arcade yesterday so i have no credit cards to renew it online could u help please ?

What insurance has the cheapest rate for teenagers in California?Is there a company that insures only a driver

What insurance has the cheapest rate for teenagers in California?Is there a company that insures only a driver

Cheapest MPV Insurance UK ?

Hi, I am 29 and just about to pass my driving test (hopefully), I have a family and need a 7 seater... I have been looking at Vauxhall Zafira's but the insurance is going to cost me approx 1050..... surely there must be a cheaper option ??? Any suggestions ? Thanks Lee""

Should I buy Supplemental Life Insurance?

My company already provides me with Basic Life insurance and AD&D insurance. Should I still buy life insurance for me and my family?

Can the insurance company find out you are not a full time student?

ok, the thing is, in my school, you need be taking at least 3 credits per semester to be a full time student. i was taking 3 early september and i got proof of enrolment for my dad ...show more""

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

""I crashed my car and wrote it off, is it worth claiming on my car insurance?""

I was driving down the road and the rear tyre blew out which sent me accross the road into a tree then catapulted me into another tree into a ditch. The car is a write off! luckily i only have very bad whip lash and bruises. The car is only worth book price of 500 max, i have 4 years no claims. Is it worth claiming on the insurance or not I do have Fully comprehensive. Can i get anything for personal injury as i am unable to work at the moment. Not to mention i need to purchase a new car. Any help much appreciated.""

What are my options for car insurance?

I am 21 and recently got my license in CA. I don't know anything about car insurance. Can I somehow be added to my parents' insurance? About how much would it cost (ranges)? I won't be driving right away but if I did, it would be with my mom's car which is already insured. How would that work? We would both be using it. Any info would be helpful. Thank you in advance!""

I would like to know which is the average prize for a scooter insurance?

I would like to buy a new scooter, i don't know yet which one exacly but it' s probably going to be a 250cc or 125cc , prize around 2000 - 3000. I would just like to know which can be the average prize to insure it, as I checked on the net for a quote but all of of them ask me for my details and everything....I am a little bit scared to give my all my details away to an unknown website over the internet, so I was just wondering if somebody could give me at least an idea on the average scooter insurance prize ( I know I know, I am so inexperinced about this things!!! ) By the way, my age is 32, if that makes the difference Thank you very much for your help in advance.""

How much would a 1986 mustang convertible insurance be?

I'm seventeen and I'm looking into getting a this mustang and I wanted to know how much it would be with a the classic car plates on? My friend has a 1979 camaro and his is only $88, but this mustang has a 5.0 so it is bigger than his.""

Which car would be better for a 16 year old boy?

A 1984 chevette a 1987 Oldsmobile cutlass ciara or a 1986 NIssan 300zx? If anyone knows insurance costs for these and a teenage boy? I will be 16 next week and may get a car this summer and these are what i'm looking at they are 400-500 dollars each... The Nissan needs a lil work i think. The ciara needs front brakes checked. and the chevette runs but needs a lil work. All of these run and are not expensive. I saw other teenagers having like 20 g's but no I start working next week and will save up my own money to pay for these... No i will not be racing and don't care what anybody would think of me. I'm just asking which of these would be better suited for a teenage guy?

Will car insurance effects right away when you call them?

I just bought a car, well imma get it tomorrow I have Infinity Insurance (not the car brand) I will get my car tomorrow, I was wondering If I call them tomorrow when I get car, to add my new car to the insurance car list will the insurance effects right away or later, because I'm going to call them not talk to them in person thank you""

Teens: how much is your car insurance a month?

Teens: how much is your car insurance a month?

How much will my liberty insurance go up?

i'm 17, have had my ma junior operators license for 10 months. i was driving home, when in a thickly settled area i saw a motorcycle getting ready to pull off the sidewalk, i was keeping an eye on him to make sure he wasnt going to pull out into my lane, when i looked up and saw that the car in front of me had come to a dead stop, at a greenlight, bc a pedestrian had taken a step into the crosswalk. my vehicle hit the one in front of me, which pushed into the one in front of him. Pretty bad damage, speed was around 25-30mph. Right now i'm listed as an occasional operator on my dad's insurance (clean record). Its liberty mutual, just curious how much itll increase per year since im young. i wasn't cited, no injuries.""

Best Insurance for Speeding Tickets?

I will be getting married in a month and need to get new car insurance. What insurance companies offer the best rates for people with speeding tickets? I have 2 speeding tickets, and my fiance has 2 accidents on record... any suggestions of the best places to start looking?""

Car insurance- estimated quote? lowest pricing company?

i'm a 17 year old new female driver. the car im looking at is a 1995 grandam. about how much would you estimate insurance will be monthly on my own plan? and what company do u find is the cheapest?

How much would insurance oN MY CAR BE?

i am thinking about getting an 02 jeep cherokee, i am 17 and had no violations or anything, how much do u think that insurance would be alone for me and not under my parents name. (insurance per month)""

What company do you have your home owner's insurance with?

Buying house and need to get some home owner's insurance, need a few places to get quotes from.""

Where can i get health insurance?

I'm a 21 year old male and im live in sacramento california i just want to know where i can obtain some freaking insurance to go the dentist or doctors to get checked up on my health got darn it

Whats the average cost for teenage car insurance?

im going to get my permit soon and i would like to know what the average teen car insurance cost is.

I'm having trouble trying to get under my dads insurance policy?

I've just gotten my license and found a car I was going to buy so I called my Dad's insurance company to try to get under his policy. However they said I cannot go under his policy because she knows that I will be the primary driver as well as the fact that my dad is already the primary driver for two other cars. Without my dad my insurance rate is around $4500/yr. My dad does not speak english very well so I have to do the calling and talking. What should I say and do so I can get under my dads insurance policy?

Do I need to get insurance under obamacare?

I was just hired yesterday as a substitute teacher (part time). I am very confused if I am obligated to get insurance under the affordable care act that will soon come into effect. I ...show more

Insurance in college?

My mom tells me that you have to go to college directly after high school in order to stay on your parents' insurance plan or you get taken off and have to work full-time to get insurance. However, my question is if you get a job after high school and get insurance for yourself and then decide to go back to school a year later can you get back on their plan.""

What is the best way to market homeowners insurance in Florida?

I m a relatively new property and casualty insurance agent in Florida. There is a perceived homeowners insurance crisis in Florida. Many of the big boys (ie Allstate, State Farm, Nationwide) are not writing any new business, policies are being nonrenewed, and if you're lucky enough to not get dropped, premiums are going up by more than 30% a year. Because of this, the average consumer thinks there's no alternative but pay what your Allstate, State Farm, or Nationwide agent gets you, which is usually a high rate with Citizens (the state run insurance company of last resort). However there ARE several small companies writing policies in Florida with great rates, but the captive agent of the big boys can't write them so people don't really know. I honestly haven't had a single lead who I couldn't save hundreds, maybe more than a thousand dollars a year. But I just don't know how to get the word out. Any ideas?""

I am 20 years old. How do I get affordable health insurance?

I feel hopeless. I was diagnosed with genital warts, and I need to get them surgically removed but I need health insurance or else it'll cost me an arm and a leg. I'm so confused and I am panicking. I don't even know where to start. What do I do? I am about to move out of my mom's house in a little under 2 weeks and my mom doesn't have health insurance either.""

Where do I get insurance if I am a driving instructor?

Where do I get insurance if I am a driving instructor?

Can 20 year old go under classic car insurance in ontario?

I keep hearing different answers from everyone i ask. Im looking to get an older camaro (78-81) but im worried i wont be able to get insured as a classic. If so is there any companies in ontario anyone recommends?

Is it legal for our group insurance company to mandate life insurance?

Our group health insurance provider is now saying we have to buy life insurance through one of its wholly owned subsidiaries. Is this legal in the State of Ohio?

""I want to buy a health insurance policy ,?

i am looking for the insurance company which requires xerox of the original bills at the time of reimbursment.because i have one insurance policy (health) given by my employer but the amount of coverage is less.say for exp i have insurance of 1 lack and my need is 2 lacs so i want to buy health insurance policy with sum insured of 1 lac . but at the time of claim settlement ( reimbursment) both the insurance company will required original bill that will be practically impossible . therefor am looking for the health insurance company which requires xerox of the bill at the time of reimbursment.

Free car insurance quote?

What is the best car insurance quotes & rates site to get free car insurance quotes from? Simpler the better!? I was wondering if you guys would be able to shed a little light on the simplest free car insurance quotes sites out there for U.S. citizens specifically?

How much does it cost to add a teenager to a car insurance policy?

Teen in question has a 4.3ish GPA and is involved in many extracurriculars.

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

Amelia Ohio Cheap car insurance quotes zip 45102

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/affordable-insurance-low-income-nys-jose-graham/"

[engagedtobefree]

Understanding Scott

Wednesday - I have to talk to Steve in the morning about an order. I go in to ask him a question and I swear Scott has his glasses on again, but when I turn around to smile at him after I’m done talking to Steve, he took them off. He gives me a little smile and lifts his eyebrows up a few times like he always does with me. It’s one of his signature flirting moves. I’m happy he turned to look at me, but a bit saddened that he took his glasses off. He must be pretty insecure about having them on, but I think he looks wonderful in his glasses. The next time I see him in the day, he has his contacts back in.

During my lunch I go to his doorway to talk to him as usual. "No glasses today?" "Nah, the doctor said I only had to wear them for one day." He tells me I looked good in my glasses and I say he looks better in glasses than I do. He's still trying to redeem himself I guess. I start telling him about my week so far, how my package was not delivered and how it couldn’t be set up for re-delivery, so I went to the post office on my lunch and they told me it was at a different post office, then that post office told me the one I was just at has it. I told him how one time I had a package that wasn’t delivered, so I signed where they had written an X, and then they left another slip right next to that one and still did not deliver my shit. We both laugh and agree on hating post offices. I then tell him how I got a bird feeder to stick on glass so that Weasley can watch the birds (today was his 3rd birthday!), but how I didn’t consider the fact that my sliding glass door slide, so now I can only open the door halfway. Then I tell him how my mom won’t let me borrow her drill I need for my TV mount because she’ll forget I have it, and I’m like, Idk if she thinks I’m going to just run off with her drill??? Scott finds all of this pretty funny, as do I. This is a typical week in my life tho lol. I start saying how hot it is out, and Scott suggests I take my cardigan off when I go outside, but I’m like, “I’m only outside from the door to my car, so that’s kind of pointless.” When he mentioned me taking my cardigan off, he’s looking at my upper body. This is also like the 3rd time, all on different occasions, that he’s mentioned me taking it off. I start talking about the bird feeder again and Scott suggests I put it on my window, which I tell him I can’t do because I’m on the second floor, so it’s like 20 feet off the ground. He pauses and then says, “Yeah, but birds can fly up more than 20 feet.” I say, “Yeah, but I can’t!” at the same time he says, “Oh, wait”. We both start cracking up. He is just...so adorable. Then he suggests I move my screen and put the feeder on the other side of the door, but I mention how then I can’t open my door if I want to leave it open because there will be no screen there. I tell him, “You’re full of great suggestions” and he turns a little red and laughs. I’ve been drinking coconut water and aloe water, one or the other daily. I’ve never had the cocoa flavored coconut water and Scott mentions how he’s going to ShopRite on his lunch and he’ll pick me some up if they have any. (He doesn’t, and he tells me the next day that they didn’t have any coconut water except for the plain flavor, which I think everyone can agree is gross. The ShopRite by our work is really small). 

Later in the day, Joyce tells me that we are definitely moving upstairs. There’s absolutely no way it isn’t happening. When Scott gets his tea not long after this conversation, I tell him about it. His initial reaction is that he’s surprised by it and pretty bummed. I tell him I’ll still come and talk to him on my lunches and he smiles and says, “Yeah, you definitely should.” A little bit later in our conversation he says he’ll come up to see me and I tell him that I’d like that. I’m standing right next to him since I was blocking other people from the printer when I was standing next to it. It’s hard for me to stand this close to him because I want nothing more than to be affection with this man. He then gestures to his office and my cubicle while saying, “But I’m right here, and you’re right there.” I respond with, “I know, I like being right next to you.” We are both obviously not happy with this move, and we are both showing it to each other. It doesn’t fully hit me this day, but now I know what the move really, fully entails. No more greeting Scott at the printer in the mornings. No more of us walking in and out of our work spaces somehow at the exact same time. No more of me walking by his office and smiling at him as I go in and out of the warehouse. No more of me passing by his office if I was down the hall heating my tea or doing whatever. No more of me popping out of my cubicle when he’s making tea. No more of us just randomly crossing paths throughout the day. No more of me just having to walk 10 feet over to go into his office. No more of us walking out and leaving together. It fucking sucks how there’s only a few weeks tops that’s left for these moments. I want to make as many more as possible while there is still time left to. I know what all of this has meant to me. In my mind, it’s always “There’s Scott” and it’s a little surge of happiness in my work day. And now I’m really beginning to think that it all means something to him too: to see me standing there waiting for him in the mornings, always happy just to see him for a few seconds; him standing at the coffee machine, watching and anticipating the moment when I’m gonna come walking out of my cubicle; me walking by his office, just so that I can see him and smile at him. For him, those spaces are still going to be there, but I won’t be. For me at least, it’s a whole new space where time with Scott has not been spent, but for him, it’s going to be an emptiness. This makes me so sad, like no one could even know. I kinda want to cry about it honestly. If I miss Scott, which now at some point during the day I always do, there will be nothing I can do about it. I will just have to deal with it. (I even miss him on the weekends now too). Even if I can’t talk to him, just seeing him is enough to make me feel better. It’s not the same as talking to him, but it’s something at least. Now, a majority of my only interactions with him will be planned talking sessions, and how long could those even be? During my lunch, I get 10-20 minutes with him. That’s all I’ll be getting in the future now, out of the entire work day? Yeah, he can come up to talk to me, but for how long? And what about the end of the work day, would I still be able to make it so I can go downstairs and talk to him? Scott asks me how long the other people are going to be here, and I tell him 3 years. His facial reaction tells me he was not expecting this answer. He was probably thinking more along the lines of a short project, and that I’ll be bale to move back down once it’s over. There’s no point in either of us even hoping that I’ll get my space back. I tell him I don’t like any of these people already because they’re taking my spot. I hope whoever takes my cubicle is truly unlikable because I want to give them the squinty eye whenever I see them and not feel bad about it.

Later in the day I go to change the water jug for the coffee machine. Scott is on the phone and Chris is hanging in there with him and Steve, so I don’t look in. I go into the warehouse to get a full jug, which all the jugs are right at Scott’s window. When I go out to put the empty jug out there, I look at Scott, but he’s still on the phone. However, when I go back through the door, I look at him and smile and he’s off the phone. He’s smiling at me then says something. I back up. “What?” “Do you need to change the jug?” “No, I just changed it.” I forget exactly what he says here, but he asks me about if there were jugs out there, but I forget exactly what word he used to describe them. Could’ve been “usable”, or something alone those lines. “You mean ones that are full?” “Yeah”. Chris had walked out of their office and was heading back over to come back in. He comes up next to me in the doorway and mumbles “What is he even talking about?” I laugh. Scott smiles and says, “What did he say?” and then continues with, “Nah, there hasn’t been any full ones out there for awhile.” I honestly do not know what he is talking about because there’s always full ones out there lol. I end up changing the jug at least once a month, and anytime I see anyone else do it they get a full jug no problem. 

Thursday - Scott had a doctor appointment for his stomach, so he comes in a little late. I use the last of the paper stacks in the cabinet, so I go out into the warehouse to get a box. I always make 2 trips and first take out half the paper in the box, then go for what’s left. The box says it’s only 20 pounds, but I beg to differ. So anyway, when I’m about to head back through the door, I see Steve isn’t at his desk. For some reason, I always stick my tongue out and up while smiling when I’m carrying the paper. I look at Scott and he smiles at me. 

During my lunch (after I get back from finally getting my package) I go in to talk to him and ask how his stomach is doing. He tells me about it and how it’s actually starting to feel better (yay!) and then starts saying how his doctor is one of those nerds, and he tries explaining what he means, but I still have no idea haha. So I just ask, “Does he have the glasses?” (referring to our conversation from the other day) and he laughs and says yeah. Playfully teasing Scott has become one of my favorite things. We also start talking about the work day at one point and how it actually adds up to 9 hours, and then I say “well, for most of us” and look at him and he laughs. Scott is really supposed to come in at 8, but I don’t think he has ever come in before 8:15. He says it works out though because Steve always leaves at 4:30, so one of them gets to come in late and the other gets to leave early. Hey, works for me too because it means Scott is alone at the end of the day. I somehow get on the story how a few years back I wanted a bagel for breakfast but the cream cheese was moldy. I opened the other end, which was fine and pristine and ate cream cheese from that end. Scott is like “Oh no” and starts laughing before I even get to the part how 10 minutes later I was puking it all back up. He is laughing pretty hard and says, “That’s disgusting”. I reassure him that that has been the only time ever that I’ve ever attempted to eat anything with mold even remotely close to it. Like I said before, just a day in the life :) One thing I’ve noticed this week is how Scott occasionally mentions his daughter to me now, and how he shares other conversations he has with other people. It makes me feel included and that he wants to tell me things. He doesn’t ever mention his wife, which is A-okay with me because that is a mood killer for sure. I don’t mind hearing about his daughter though.

At one point during the day when I come out of the bathroom, Angelo is at Joyce’s cubicle and I hear him say, “You really might be leaving though?”. Okay, say what??? When he walks away, I give it a few minutes and then ask her about it. She wants to apply to another position within the company. It would be less stressful than her position now, though she would keep about half of the same responsibilities. She doesn’t think she’ll get it though and that they’ll tell her she needs to stay where she is. She would still have to interview and everything just like all other applicants, both internal and external. When Scott makes his tea at the end of the day, I ask him how his day is and he gives me one of his typical answers but the way he says it makes me laugh. I look at him and he’s just smiling. Then he asks me how my day is going and I tell him I got more bad news. He asks me what it is and I tell him “I’ll tell you in there” while motioning to his office with my head. He tells me to give him a minute while he goes and gets his creamer. When he comes back I go in to tell him. He reassures me that it’ll be okay, and that it’s probably good anyway because it means even more job security for me, which is what Joyce said too. He also said it means they might hire me faster, but that should be coming soon anyway (ugh, I hope). Scott has a calming affect on me that literally no one else has, so I do feel better about things. He says no one moves fast on things there anyway, which I know already since I’ve been waiting since November to be hired permanently. Scott used to work at our other building right down the road. He’s been here 6 years and spent 3 over there and 3 over here. He was supposed to go over that February but it didn’t happen till June, and the only reason it happened was because Chris called over and said he really needed him. Joyce was there 15 months as a temp before she got taken on permanently, and I know everyone else who was a temp waited a long time too. May 22nd will be one year for me since I started. Scott mentions how he might take a half day tomorrow to get a lot of things done he needs to do, that he can’t really do when his daughter is around because she is right there or tries to run off or something lol. During this end of day discussion, when I see Scott smiling, his face stretched and his eyes squinting, I can feel my heat skip a beat. Then not long after this, I think about how soft his cheek might be. Then, when there’s a lapse where we both stop talking, I end up staring at his lips without realizing it. I can feel my lips are softly parted, and I can feel the utter longing that is tingling them. It’s a good solid 10 seconds minimum that I am just staring at Scott’s lips. He doesn’t move. He says nothing. When I finally come to my senses and realize what I’m doing, I look up at him. He’s just staring at me. This is why I usually stand in Scott’s doorway. I get too close to him and then I have such a strong longing for him. It is getting harder to resist the more we talk and open up to each other. God help me if I ever bump into him or something, because he’s going to be so damn close to me that I’m probably just gonna go for it without having time to think about what I’m actually doing.

Friday - It’s important to understand Scott’s timeline as to when he comes in in the mornings. In general, he comes strolling in between 8:20 and 8:30. Very rarely, Scott will come in outside of this time frame, so between 8:15 and 8:20, or between 8:30 and 8:40. I start printing usually around 8:18, this way I can insure I have plenty of stuff at the printer for me to work on. Depending on how much is in my inbox for me to print, on a good day I can give myself about 8 minutes of stuff to work on at the printer. That is with me taking my time as well. Since Scott came in extra late 2 days this week because of doctor appointments, and the other 2 days he came in after 8:30, I did not get to greet him at all. He came in a little earlier than usual Friday, around 8:15, but I happened to be grabbing a coffee stirrer and was walking back to my cubicle with it. I see Scott come in, and when he sees me, he breaks into a grin. I grin back and wave, and he waves too. I would have probably just stood there smiling like an idiot, waiting for him to walk up if Joyce had not been talking to me at this exact moment. Of course, I didn’t hear what she said because my focus was on Scott, and the printer was going and it’s really loud. I go over to her cubicle to ask her what she had said.

Joyce has been pretty busy the past two days, so I’ve been taking documents to the warehouse for her, which I enjoy doing because I get to get up and walk around and it’s also an opportunity to smile at the man of my dreams. I am about to come back in from the warehouse and I can see through Scott’s window his left elbow on his desk, so his body must be facing the door. He’s waiting for me. I peek through the small window in the door and see Steve is looking down at his phone. I happily open the door and turn to face Scott, who smiles at me and nods his head up, another one of his signature flirting moves. I just love our little moments like this. I’m going to miss them so much and I am soaking up every little last one of them.

During my lunch, when I go about my normal routine of putting my lunch bag upstairs, using the individual bathroom, and then walking by Scott’s office, he is not in there. As I’m walking down the hall toward his office, I’m thinking, “Where did he go?”. I saw him walking out when I went into the bathroom, and I heard him at the sink, so I know he saw me and knew I was getting ready to come see him. As I turn left to go toward my desk, he’s at the coffee machine. Relief. But now 3 days of news I do not want to hear. He’s leaving early. “Wait, you’re leaving early?” “Yeah, I told you yesterday I was.” “No, you just said you might.” Scott has said to me several times on different occasions that he might take a day off or leave early to get some things done, but he’s never followed through, so I guess I didn’t think he actually would on this occasion. I ask him when he’s leaving and he looks at his watch and says in a few minutes, at 12:30. “You’re not going to wait for Steve to come back from lunch?” “Nah.” He goes and gets him creamer then I go into his office so we can talk a bit. The first thing he says is how he wants some dessert, and the words “Well, there’s me” almost come hurtling out of my mouth. I’m torn between being happy that I controlled myself at the last second, and wishing I had just let it come out to see if he would’ve acted on something. It is getting very, very difficult for me to keep exhibiting self-control around Scott. I could feel months ago it was a little hard, but now it is getting to the point where any day now I’m going to end up saying something without thinking or just acting on an impulse and I don’t know how to even feel about that. I could physically feel myself tensing up trying not to say these 3 little words to Scott, it’s gotten that bad. And it feels so unnatural to me trying to keep fight it, because my natural instinct is to want to be affectionate with him. So then I’m in this situation, and I’m focusing on acting in a proper manner, and then I stop talking. Not only that, but I’m exhausted (I go to bed at 7 this night), so I’m not chatty like usual. The other day, when I was giving Scott snippets of how I felt about moving upstairs, it felt so freeing. Just so, so good to be putting it out there. That is what I truly want, but there is still this side to me going, “No, we cannot be that way with Scott. He is married.” It’s all very annoying having these 2 sides battle it out.

He tells me a story of the previous night how he was going to get his meds and this lady behind him had her speaker phone on and her and this other person were talking about some guy they knew and some crazy story how he was being pursued by the cops and threw drugs into a bush and whatnot. What I get out of this is that Scott is slowly letting me into his life. I guess I’m doing the same with him too. I ask him if I’m keeping him from leaving, but he says no and says he’s waiting for Steve, which is weird because 10 minutes prior to this he said he wasn’t. He is rummaging in his drawer and said how a guy from the other building might come over to get a spare shirt he has. It’s a company shirt. Scott wears them a lot now that the warmer weather is here. Before he wore fleece pullovers pretty much every day. He takes out a company sweatshirt still in it’s plastic bag and asks me if I want it. Idk why I actually stop and have to think about it, because Scott is freaking offering it to me, so it should be an automatic yes. I guess it’s because I’m not even sure I really like it, because I’d prefer a hoodie, but in the end I say yes because it’s something from Scott. I thank him. I’d much have preferred if he had worn it and it smelled like him, but whatever. I wore it to bed that night and it is soft, and it’s also huge on me, but it really made me so happy wearing it. I ended up taking it off during the night though cuz I got too hot. Steve comes back and so I know my lunch is over. I hang around about another minute and then tell Scott to have a nice weekend. As he says, “Aiight. Thanks, Dane, you too” I am staring at his mouth again. I don’t mean to. I get up out of the chair and walk out, and as I’m passing by Steve’s window, at the last second I turn around and see Scott hasn’t moved and he’s watching me. I get the impression that he’s in thought about something and is asking himself a question. Of course, I have no idea what exactly, but that is the feeling that I get. I hear him walk by my cubicle carrying stuff out to his car at his normal pace and come back in. When he goes out again, he’s walking much faster than usual. I find this odd, but that could just be me. 

Friday made a month since I confronted Scott and he said he needed to think about things. I’ve battled with this over and over in my mind about what my own answer is, and as much as I want it to be no, the truth is, it’s a yes. I feel terrible about it, I question what type of person this makes me, I wonder about what the future would hold if I were to actually act on my decision. I have kept telling myself over and over that I am never bringing it up again to Scott, but only because I know my answer is yes and that if his is a yes too, something would happen. So even though my answer is yes, I am still trying to do the right thing and not get an answer out of him, as much as I want one, as much as I want him to say yes back to me. I know that Scott is not likely to bring it up, so I just keep holding on to that notion. I have beat myself up over this, but I never wanted things to be like this. I can’t just be like, “Well, Scott is married, this means I am no longer going to have feelings for him.” It doesn’t work that way. I am falling for this man, but it just so happens that he is another woman’s husband. This plagues me. Acting on anything would mean breaking this woman’s heart, but it would also mean eventually breaking my own. Scott can’t truly be with me, in an actual relationship. Not as long as he’s married. But that’s what I want, a relationship. But on the other hand, not ever having him at all is also bound to be very painful. This whole situation is just one giant, double-edged sword.

I’ve asked myself, trying to convince myself my feelings are fleeting,

okay, what exactly is it I like about Scott?” But I can answer this. It’s his endearing little air-headedness, his playfulness, his calmness, the things he does, how he makes me laugh. He’s actually pretty intelligent too. He’s smarter than me in some ways, though I know I’m smarter than him in others. And that’s perfectly okay. It’s so many little things I notice about him. I know there is so much more to him that I don’t know, but the same goes for him not knowing more about me. I want to know more. I want to get to know him, every little detail there is to know about him. I have never genuinely felt this way about any man ever, even the only man who I ever fell in love with. Slowly we have been letting little bits and pieces out about ourselves and our lives. I just, I don’t know. I have genuine feelings for him and the more we talk and interact, the deeper these feelings go. But I can’t stop talking and interacting with him, because I enjoy having him in my life. If, back in the beginning of February when I first found he was married, I had moved to the 2nd floor, we probably would not have gotten this far. This would have ended. But it didn’t play out like that. For some reason, it wasn’t meant to. I don’t know how things are going to end up, but I know that things always end up how they’re supposed to. I wasn’t meant to move upstairs until I got closer to Scott, and now we’re at this point where we are both willing to keep this going despite the upcoming barrier. And we both know that the other person is on the same page. 

I don’t think Scott only wants one thing from me. I don’t know anything about his marriage or his home life or his feelings for his wife, but I genuinely believe that Scott has started developing feelings for me as I have for him. I used to want to blame him, because he had kept his marriage a secret, and I would tell myself, “I wouldn’t even be in this situation if he had been honest from the beginning.” But things aren’t always what they seem to be. I don’t know Scott’s full situation, but I know it up to a certain point now with certainty: he saw me around the office and was attracted to me; we somehow started seeing each other more often and for whatever reason, he thought about actually talking to me beyond our casual hello’s; before he could do so, I started flirting with him, something he probably did not expect to happen, and so he immediately started reciprocating, not wanting to let the opportunity go. Now we’re both here. We both led each other to where we are now. I don’t blame either of us, just as I couldn’t bring myself to solely blame Scott, even though I tried to. I used to be absolutely baffled by how people ended up in affairs, but now I understand. I know that some people honestly do not care if the other person is married, so I still do not understand those types of situations, but I understand how sometimes it just happens. You don’t plan to make things difficult for yourself, and you don’t plan to fall for someone who is unavailable. If Scott did in the beginning see me as just a potential hook-up, I think it’s gone beyond that now. I can see it in the way he laughs, the way he looks at me, the way he is starting to show he cares. I am not just being lusted after. And I think this is all why Scott has not given me an answer yet. It’s gone beyond the matter of “Do I want to cheat on my wife?”. Getting involved with me would be so much more than that, and I think that’s where Scott’s true dilemma comes in. How far would this actually go, and would it unravel so many things in his life? Am I, this woman that he barely knows, worth risking everything for?

#back to long ass posts i guess #this took me like 3 hours to write this #im just as unhappy about that as you are person who has to scroll past all of this on mobile #scott #personal