#im just as unhappy about that as you are person who has to scroll past all of this on mobile | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wygolvillage · 4 months

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a new year's resolution

well, as of 2024 i’ve decided i will no longer be posting on tumblr... this shouldnt be the hugest surprise since ive been pretty critical of staff, the over-monetization of the website, the site culture, and the user experience for the past year and gradually reducing my time spent scrolling the ol’ dashboard- ive even mentioned my intent to eventually leave; well, that eventually is now! gradually ive found myself analyzing the effect that using tumblr for 7+ years has had on me, and the effects of social media in general.

ive never had to write a goodbye letter like this before. while ive joined and left several online platforms over the years, its always been a gradual fade in interest rather than a conscious decision to stop. never have i used a platform as long as ive used tumblr, over 1/3 of my life. ive grown up with tumblr, for better or worse. how do you write a goodbye for that? i guess ill have to try my best. because as important as tumblr was for me, ive recognized the way its hurt me too.

finding other avenues of online self-expression particularly has made me think a lot about this. when i edit my website i feel accomplished, happy, and content, feeling i have put something of myself out into the world, my seed to grow and garden to tend. when i scroll through tumblr i feel as if my brain is mostly idle, and when i do emotionally respond its often out of anger or annoyance, because anger = engagement and social media sites like tumblr WANT engagement. particularly because i have OCD ive found myself upset by certain aspects of tumblr discourse culture, as well- it is basically the Scrupulosity Website and much of the way i react to and interact with media has been colored by my years spent absorbing the viewpoints of said Scrupulosity Website! i even used to look up discourse topics on tumblr just to anger myself on purpose, which is a dangerous road to go down, to build up Enemies and Factions in your mind- this is how discourse culture works. the culture of tumblr teaches you to see the world in black and white, and to feel like youre always in danger of compromising your moral purity or being attacked by the morally impure. If You Don’t Reblog This You Are A Bad Person. even as someone who nowadays tries to stay away from discourse entirely, its still there in the back of my mind, because the way we interact on this website is colored by this. when im online i dont actually want to be angry all the time! in fact i like putting my effort towards more positive stuff. but additionally: tumblr made me unhappy but it also made me an addict

and yeah social media addiction sounds like a silly boomer thing to complain about but one thing i noticed when i started trying to curb my time spent on tumblr was that opening the site was damn near compulsive. we all know those “open tumblr, close tumblr, open tumblr again immediately after” memes but that did describe my behavior pretty accurately. the draw and allure of social media feeds is powerful, if i accidentally click the youtubes short tab ill find myself a half hour later scrolling through random shit i don't care about and asking well how the hell did i get here? i dont even like that stuff! tumblr is no different no matter how much the site tries to coast on the reputation of being the last social media that's a “remnant of the old web” and “has no algorithm”. i like my chronological dash but it is equally as addicting to scroll through the thousands of people ive followed over the years, as it is to scroll through the algorithmic feeds of youtube shorts, because that's just social media!

and kicking addiction is pretty damn hard. before 2023, i made two separate attempts at reducing my tumblr usage and both fell through within a week due to that addiction. for reference this current bought of thoughts about reducing my tumblr usage and making my online/irl balance more healthy, around the start of 2023 when i began working on my website and its taken me an entire year to wean myself off of the hellsite, bit by bit. theres a point where it stopped being a conscious act, and even as i was carefully whittling down how often i use tumblr with extensions like leechblock i still had that compulsion go off multiple times every day, its a really strange feeling. but now that ive found so many more ways to express myself online, i just feel more whole now... i guess what im saying is that when i post on tumblr my first instinct is to complain or wallow about something, when i post on my own handmade blog on my website i always want to talk about things that excite me or make me happy! and its been such a tangible change in the way i think and act and im certain its because of the way social media and tumblr have their own “societal expectations” and structure that is built to feed on this negativity loop.

and a lot of the biggest shifts happened when i began immersing myself in the ideals of the web revival, while creating my own website. finding things that genuinely interested me and niches i want to occupy made me so much happier. i know we make a lot of jokes about having mutuals we never talk to that mean the world to us and i do think that is indicative of something. like, when i post on a forum full of strangers i am engaging with more “face to face” (or the digital equivalent) communication than i do with years-long mutuals. how genuine are these connections, this dashboard, the enjoyment i got from that meme post ill forget in 10 minutes? (not to say that i don’t genuinely care abt my followers and mutuals. ykwim?) i can still get all the things i enjoy out of tumblr in a more curated form via rss feeds; ive been so much more proud of what i post and create and code on my website. what am i here for? i gradually realized that i am losing absolutely nothing when i “miss out” or block tumblr on my phone or what have you.

since starting working on my neocities site ive felt so much creative drive. ive created whole interactive essays and worlds and games and writings and so many things i could never host on social media. my website is a place of my very own, and ive been learning the value of focusing on what i put out into the net compared to what i take from it. its made me feel so much more fulfilled when i spend time online.

and let's not forget about staff. i have broader issues with how automattic in particular has gone about running the site. the ads only took up more and more of the dashboard, and every month it felt like there was some new paid feature doomed to never take off. all while the user experience gradually degraded. using the site without browser extensions to fix the ui and block the ads and tumblr live and all the other shit they threw all over the place makes it look like its ridden with viruses, and i think the fact that its become so normalized to feel like we have to stay in spaces that become increasingly hostile to us, even while the internet is so vast, is really strange (i mean, i also thought that way at first). but Anyway. so much time and effort was spent on features no one liked or wanted in some desperate attempt to get a little extra money, while staff members get in public fights with users who complain about getting monetization shoved down their throat. its so openly pathetic. the merch store had mostly mediocre designs and the digital tumblrmart is absolutely full of useless digital goods with free alternatives. considering this is a userbase that gladly donates to other sites donation drives for hosting costs (i.e. ao3, wikipedia, internet archive), i am shocked that staff never considered the obvious answer of a fucking donation drive once a year or so! the ceo telling people with concerns about the ads being unsafe for epilepsy to “just pay the ad free subscription” is one of the most disgusting things ive ever heard from someone officially representing such a platform. do not be fooled by the reputation tumblr has cultivated: all that it cares about is making money from you. tumblr is “in danger” because it can't turn a profit- because a profit is all they care about!

so why stay here when im happier elsewhere, apart from the addictive compulsion? that's what ive been thinking through for nearly a year, realizing that i have no reason to, and that weaning myself off of the addiction is in my best interest. i can create and blog and have fun online and connect with others and follow other peoples work all without the need for tumblr anymore! and i think id be all the healthier for it.

over the past year ive truly fallen in love with the internet again and ive loved putting myself out there, unrestrained in ways i havent felt since i was very young. but nonetheless ive learned a lot on tumblr, ive had some of the worst and best experiences of my online life, and i dont doubt that i would be a much different person if i had never been a tumblr user for as long as i was. but i had to break out of this shell eventually.

i keep going over this wondering how i can express every feeling in my head, how i can word everything just a little better, how i can make the perfect goodbye. but i think this will have to suffice.

you can still keep up with me online here:

-explore my website: i keep it consistently updated and im always adding new things and writing new posts on my blog! you can even speak to me directly on the site! if you sign my guestbook or use my chatbox ill try to respond :) if theres anything on this list you do id like it to be this one! i worked hard on it! you can even send me chat messages on my homepage! just keep in mind it may not display everything right on most mobile browsers, but it should be mostly navigable...

you can also subscribe to my rss feed. if you don't know what rss is, it allows you to use a feed reader to keep up with updates from sites all over the internet! my rss feed will notify you whenever ive made a new post on my blog or made an interesting edit on my site id like you to take a peek at :0 convenient, right?

you can also email me at [email protected] to message me directly. if you prefer im also “wygolvillage” on discord

thank you and happy new years :) thanks for seeing me off as i sail to a new sunrise <3

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0thsense · 2 years

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28 9 2022

sigh. there is a 50% chance this is my last post on the blog. yesterday i felt very depressed in bed and i resolved to make a blog to write and vent, but today i randomly feel better. is it because i internalized what i thought about yesterday? i was feeling unhappy because my friend ned did not seem to be as happy to spend time with me. we were at one point comfortable and happy sharing our true thoughts but now i feel a sense of distance. it only makes sense because we live in different places for many years now but i cant help but feel there is more to it. our different stages in life with my degeneration while he is in a happy relationship and pursuing early retirement. i cant help but feel that maybe he just doesnt find as much value in our relationship anymore, while maybe im clinging on to my past glory. he seemed to value martin's company more because martin keeps up with the latest gossip from a variety of friend groups and perhaps i cant even offer anything more interesting than that anymore to ned. writing this is making me feel depressed again. i keep thinking about all the opportunities that ive missed and im already 27 now. i was telling martin on the subway back to our hotel how i read somewhere that your mental peak is at 25, and its just downhill from there. i tried to pretend and believe that i didn't let that change how i act, as martin annoyingly took the obvious position of 'oh are you going to just give up because of that', but i do think about it quite a bit. i dont have much time left, and worse yet i didnt realize how little time i have as ive squandered the past few years. i poured so much time into getting good at these games i dont want to mention, and achieved the goals i set. the only problem being that the goals were a proxy for actually being able to achieve the real goals i actually care about, and i still cannot achieve those real goals. i wonder if anybody other than me will ever read this. i hope that some random person finds this and finds it interesting enough to read and share. i dont think i will share this to anyone i know unless in time i become someone who can look back on this and laugh. that seems currently unlikely. today i met jarvis's friends. im not thinking of names for them because i dont think they will be recurring characters. i still struggle with meeting new people, i dont think the depressed state i am in helps very much for that. i probably came off as not shy but a little weird, which i guess is pretty accurate. i just wish i could make connections more easily, everything i do still feels forced, just like how its felt my whole life. it makes me worry about meeting a romantic partner. i used to think that if i could just show someone my true self i wouldnt have trouble finding a partner, but now im unsure of even that. ive lost a lot of confidence in my true self, and i also think my true self has truly become less compelling. im in a bit of a rut i suppose. if i start thinking all of these things every day i might do it. that felt forced to write but this blog is supposed to be a stream of consciousness so i should not hold back, though im probably just thinking it because its my first day writing this blog. i wonder if i should include mundane things like wow i scrolled up and this is a giant wall of text. probably not because it doesnt add anything and this is already getting very long. this might be the most words ive written in a single day since like my last essay in college, like more than 5 years ago. thats very sad to think about. my friend yan just posted that he will come home for 2-3 weeks for christmas. im very excited to hang out with yan again, but i have a small fear that he will treat me like ned. that would make me really sad. im kind of supposed to plan something important during those 2-3 weeks for the toddpole friend group, but its unclear and messy and it stresses me out a bit to think about it. i hope it works out, i think i can do it. of course no matter how well i do it i will get made fun of for it but thats just how it is.LIMIT

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engagedtobefree · 6 years

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Understanding Scott

Wednesday - I have to talk to Steve in the morning about an order. I go in to ask him a question and I swear Scott has his glasses on again, but when I turn around to smile at him after I’m done talking to Steve, he took them off. He gives me a little smile and lifts his eyebrows up a few times like he always does with me. It’s one of his signature flirting moves. I’m happy he turned to look at me, but a bit saddened that he took his glasses off. He must be pretty insecure about having them on, but I think he looks wonderful in his glasses. The next time I see him in the day, he has his contacts back in.

During my lunch I go to his doorway to talk to him as usual. "No glasses today?" "Nah, the doctor said I only had to wear them for one day." He tells me I looked good in my glasses and I say he looks better in glasses than I do. He's still trying to redeem himself I guess. I start telling him about my week so far, how my package was not delivered and how it couldn’t be set up for re-delivery, so I went to the post office on my lunch and they told me it was at a different post office, then that post office told me the one I was just at has it. I told him how one time I had a package that wasn’t delivered, so I signed where they had written an X, and then they left another slip right next to that one and still did not deliver my shit. We both laugh and agree on hating post offices. I then tell him how I got a bird feeder to stick on glass so that Weasley can watch the birds (today was his 3rd birthday!), but how I didn’t consider the fact that my sliding glass door slide, so now I can only open the door halfway. Then I tell him how my mom won’t let me borrow her drill I need for my TV mount because she’ll forget I have it, and I’m like, Idk if she thinks I’m going to just run off with her drill??? Scott finds all of this pretty funny, as do I. This is a typical week in my life tho lol. I start saying how hot it is out, and Scott suggests I take my cardigan off when I go outside, but I’m like, “I’m only outside from the door to my car, so that’s kind of pointless.” When he mentioned me taking my cardigan off, he’s looking at my upper body. This is also like the 3rd time, all on different occasions, that he’s mentioned me taking it off. I start talking about the bird feeder again and Scott suggests I put it on my window, which I tell him I can’t do because I’m on the second floor, so it’s like 20 feet off the ground. He pauses and then says, “Yeah, but birds can fly up more than 20 feet.” I say, “Yeah, but I can’t!” at the same time he says, “Oh, wait”. We both start cracking up. He is just...so adorable. Then he suggests I move my screen and put the feeder on the other side of the door, but I mention how then I can’t open my door if I want to leave it open because there will be no screen there. I tell him, “You’re full of great suggestions” and he turns a little red and laughs. I’ve been drinking coconut water and aloe water, one or the other daily. I’ve never had the cocoa flavored coconut water and Scott mentions how he’s going to ShopRite on his lunch and he’ll pick me some up if they have any. (He doesn’t, and he tells me the next day that they didn’t have any coconut water except for the plain flavor, which I think everyone can agree is gross. The ShopRite by our work is really small).

Later in the day, Joyce tells me that we are definitely moving upstairs. There’s absolutely no way it isn’t happening. When Scott gets his tea not long after this conversation, I tell him about it. His initial reaction is that he’s surprised by it and pretty bummed. I tell him I’ll still come and talk to him on my lunches and he smiles and says, “Yeah, you definitely should.” A little bit later in our conversation he says he’ll come up to see me and I tell him that I’d like that. I’m standing right next to him since I was blocking other people from the printer when I was standing next to it. It’s hard for me to stand this close to him because I want nothing more than to be affection with this man. He then gestures to his office and my cubicle while saying, “But I’m right here, and you’re right there.” I respond with, “I know, I like being right next to you.” We are both obviously not happy with this move, and we are both showing it to each other. It doesn’t fully hit me this day, but now I know what the move really, fully entails. No more greeting Scott at the printer in the mornings. No more of us walking in and out of our work spaces somehow at the exact same time. No more of me walking by his office and smiling at him as I go in and out of the warehouse. No more of me passing by his office if I was down the hall heating my tea or doing whatever. No more of me popping out of my cubicle when he’s making tea. No more of us just randomly crossing paths throughout the day. No more of me just having to walk 10 feet over to go into his office. No more of us walking out and leaving together. It fucking sucks how there’s only a few weeks tops that’s left for these moments. I want to make as many more as possible while there is still time left to. I know what all of this has meant to me. In my mind, it’s always “There’s Scott” and it’s a little surge of happiness in my work day. And now I’m really beginning to think that it all means something to him too: to see me standing there waiting for him in the mornings, always happy just to see him for a few seconds; him standing at the coffee machine, watching and anticipating the moment when I’m gonna come walking out of my cubicle; me walking by his office, just so that I can see him and smile at him. For him, those spaces are still going to be there, but I won’t be. For me at least, it’s a whole new space where time with Scott has not been spent, but for him, it’s going to be an emptiness. This makes me so sad, like no one could even know. I kinda want to cry about it honestly. If I miss Scott, which now at some point during the day I always do, there will be nothing I can do about it. I will just have to deal with it. (I even miss him on the weekends now too). Even if I can’t talk to him, just seeing him is enough to make me feel better. It’s not the same as talking to him, but it’s something at least. Now, a majority of my only interactions with him will be planned talking sessions, and how long could those even be? During my lunch, I get 10-20 minutes with him. That’s all I’ll be getting in the future now, out of the entire work day? Yeah, he can come up to talk to me, but for how long? And what about the end of the work day, would I still be able to make it so I can go downstairs and talk to him? Scott asks me how long the other people are going to be here, and I tell him 3 years. His facial reaction tells me he was not expecting this answer. He was probably thinking more along the lines of a short project, and that I’ll be bale to move back down once it’s over. There’s no point in either of us even hoping that I’ll get my space back. I tell him I don’t like any of these people already because they’re taking my spot. I hope whoever takes my cubicle is truly unlikable because I want to give them the squinty eye whenever I see them and not feel bad about it.

Later in the day I go to change the water jug for the coffee machine. Scott is on the phone and Chris is hanging in there with him and Steve, so I don’t look in. I go into the warehouse to get a full jug, which all the jugs are right at Scott’s window. When I go out to put the empty jug out there, I look at Scott, but he’s still on the phone. However, when I go back through the door, I look at him and smile and he’s off the phone. He’s smiling at me then says something. I back up. “What?” “Do you need to change the jug?” “No, I just changed it.” I forget exactly what he says here, but he asks me about if there were jugs out there, but I forget exactly what word he used to describe them. Could’ve been “usable”, or something alone those lines. “You mean ones that are full?” “Yeah”. Chris had walked out of their office and was heading back over to come back in. He comes up next to me in the doorway and mumbles “What is he even talking about?” I laugh. Scott smiles and says, “What did he say?” and then continues with, “Nah, there hasn’t been any full ones out there for awhile.” I honestly do not know what he is talking about because there’s always full ones out there lol. I end up changing the jug at least once a month, and anytime I see anyone else do it they get a full jug no problem.

Thursday - Scott had a doctor appointment for his stomach, so he comes in a little late. I use the last of the paper stacks in the cabinet, so I go out into the warehouse to get a box. I always make 2 trips and first take out half the paper in the box, then go for what’s left. The box says it’s only 20 pounds, but I beg to differ. So anyway, when I’m about to head back through the door, I see Steve isn’t at his desk. For some reason, I always stick my tongue out and up while smiling when I’m carrying the paper. I look at Scott and he smiles at me.

During my lunch (after I get back from finally getting my package) I go in to talk to him and ask how his stomach is doing. He tells me about it and how it’s actually starting to feel better (yay!) and then starts saying how his doctor is one of those nerds, and he tries explaining what he means, but I still have no idea haha. So I just ask, “Does he have the glasses?” (referring to our conversation from the other day) and he laughs and says yeah. Playfully teasing Scott has become one of my favorite things. We also start talking about the work day at one point and how it actually adds up to 9 hours, and then I say “well, for most of us” and look at him and he laughs. Scott is really supposed to come in at 8, but I don’t think he has ever come in before 8:15. He says it works out though because Steve always leaves at 4:30, so one of them gets to come in late and the other gets to leave early. Hey, works for me too because it means Scott is alone at the end of the day. I somehow get on the story how a few years back I wanted a bagel for breakfast but the cream cheese was moldy. I opened the other end, which was fine and pristine and ate cream cheese from that end. Scott is like “Oh no” and starts laughing before I even get to the part how 10 minutes later I was puking it all back up. He is laughing pretty hard and says, “That’s disgusting”. I reassure him that that has been the only time ever that I’ve ever attempted to eat anything with mold even remotely close to it. Like I said before, just a day in the life :) One thing I’ve noticed this week is how Scott occasionally mentions his daughter to me now, and how he shares other conversations he has with other people. It makes me feel included and that he wants to tell me things. He doesn’t ever mention his wife, which is A-okay with me because that is a mood killer for sure. I don’t mind hearing about his daughter though.

At one point during the day when I come out of the bathroom, Angelo is at Joyce’s cubicle and I hear him say, “You really might be leaving though?”. Okay, say what??? When he walks away, I give it a few minutes and then ask her about it. She wants to apply to another position within the company. It would be less stressful than her position now, though she would keep about half of the same responsibilities. She doesn’t think she’ll get it though and that they’ll tell her she needs to stay where she is. She would still have to interview and everything just like all other applicants, both internal and external. When Scott makes his tea at the end of the day, I ask him how his day is and he gives me one of his typical answers but the way he says it makes me laugh. I look at him and he’s just smiling. Then he asks me how my day is going and I tell him I got more bad news. He asks me what it is and I tell him “I’ll tell you in there” while motioning to his office with my head. He tells me to give him a minute while he goes and gets his creamer. When he comes back I go in to tell him. He reassures me that it’ll be okay, and that it’s probably good anyway because it means even more job security for me, which is what Joyce said too. He also said it means they might hire me faster, but that should be coming soon anyway (ugh, I hope). Scott has a calming affect on me that literally no one else has, so I do feel better about things. He says no one moves fast on things there anyway, which I know already since I’ve been waiting since November to be hired permanently. Scott used to work at our other building right down the road. He’s been here 6 years and spent 3 over there and 3 over here. He was supposed to go over that February but it didn’t happen till June, and the only reason it happened was because Chris called over and said he really needed him. Joyce was there 15 months as a temp before she got taken on permanently, and I know everyone else who was a temp waited a long time too. May 22nd will be one year for me since I started. Scott mentions how he might take a half day tomorrow to get a lot of things done he needs to do, that he can’t really do when his daughter is around because she is right there or tries to run off or something lol. During this end of day discussion, when I see Scott smiling, his face stretched and his eyes squinting, I can feel my heat skip a beat. Then not long after this, I think about how soft his cheek might be. Then, when there’s a lapse where we both stop talking, I end up staring at his lips without realizing it. I can feel my lips are softly parted, and I can feel the utter longing that is tingling them. It’s a good solid 10 seconds minimum that I am just staring at Scott’s lips. He doesn’t move. He says nothing. When I finally come to my senses and realize what I’m doing, I look up at him. He’s just staring at me. This is why I usually stand in Scott’s doorway. I get too close to him and then I have such a strong longing for him. It is getting harder to resist the more we talk and open up to each other. God help me if I ever bump into him or something, because he’s going to be so damn close to me that I’m probably just gonna go for it without having time to think about what I’m actually doing.

Friday - It’s important to understand Scott’s timeline as to when he comes in in the mornings. In general, he comes strolling in between 8:20 and 8:30. Very rarely, Scott will come in outside of this time frame, so between 8:15 and 8:20, or between 8:30 and 8:40. I start printing usually around 8:18, this way I can insure I have plenty of stuff at the printer for me to work on. Depending on how much is in my inbox for me to print, on a good day I can give myself about 8 minutes of stuff to work on at the printer. That is with me taking my time as well. Since Scott came in extra late 2 days this week because of doctor appointments, and the other 2 days he came in after 8:30, I did not get to greet him at all. He came in a little earlier than usual Friday, around 8:15, but I happened to be grabbing a coffee stirrer and was walking back to my cubicle with it. I see Scott come in, and when he sees me, he breaks into a grin. I grin back and wave, and he waves too. I would have probably just stood there smiling like an idiot, waiting for him to walk up if Joyce had not been talking to me at this exact moment. Of course, I didn’t hear what she said because my focus was on Scott, and the printer was going and it’s really loud. I go over to her cubicle to ask her what she had said.

Joyce has been pretty busy the past two days, so I’ve been taking documents to the warehouse for her, which I enjoy doing because I get to get up and walk around and it’s also an opportunity to smile at the man of my dreams. I am about to come back in from the warehouse and I can see through Scott’s window his left elbow on his desk, so his body must be facing the door. He’s waiting for me. I peek through the small window in the door and see Steve is looking down at his phone. I happily open the door and turn to face Scott, who smiles at me and nods his head up, another one of his signature flirting moves. I just love our little moments like this. I’m going to miss them so much and I am soaking up every little last one of them.

During my lunch, when I go about my normal routine of putting my lunch bag upstairs, using the individual bathroom, and then walking by Scott’s office, he is not in there. As I’m walking down the hall toward his office, I’m thinking, “Where did he go?”. I saw him walking out when I went into the bathroom, and I heard him at the sink, so I know he saw me and knew I was getting ready to come see him. As I turn left to go toward my desk, he’s at the coffee machine. Relief. But now 3 days of news I do not want to hear. He’s leaving early. “Wait, you’re leaving early?” “Yeah, I told you yesterday I was.” “No, you just said you might.” Scott has said to me several times on different occasions that he might take a day off or leave early to get some things done, but he’s never followed through, so I guess I didn’t think he actually would on this occasion. I ask him when he’s leaving and he looks at his watch and says in a few minutes, at 12:30. “You’re not going to wait for Steve to come back from lunch?” “Nah.” He goes and gets him creamer then I go into his office so we can talk a bit. The first thing he says is how he wants some dessert, and the words “Well, there’s me” almost come hurtling out of my mouth. I’m torn between being happy that I controlled myself at the last second, and wishing I had just let it come out to see if he would’ve acted on something. It is getting very, very difficult for me to keep exhibiting self-control around Scott. I could feel months ago it was a little hard, but now it is getting to the point where any day now I’m going to end up saying something without thinking or just acting on an impulse and I don’t know how to even feel about that. I could physically feel myself tensing up trying not to say these 3 little words to Scott, it’s gotten that bad. And it feels so unnatural to me trying to keep fight it, because my natural instinct is to want to be affectionate with him. So then I’m in this situation, and I’m focusing on acting in a proper manner, and then I stop talking. Not only that, but I’m exhausted (I go to bed at 7 this night), so I’m not chatty like usual. The other day, when I was giving Scott snippets of how I felt about moving upstairs, it felt so freeing. Just so, so good to be putting it out there. That is what I truly want, but there is still this side to me going, “No, we cannot be that way with Scott. He is married.” It’s all very annoying having these 2 sides battle it out.

He tells me a story of the previous night how he was going to get his meds and this lady behind him had her speaker phone on and her and this other person were talking about some guy they knew and some crazy story how he was being pursued by the cops and threw drugs into a bush and whatnot. What I get out of this is that Scott is slowly letting me into his life. I guess I’m doing the same with him too. I ask him if I’m keeping him from leaving, but he says no and says he’s waiting for Steve, which is weird because 10 minutes prior to this he said he wasn’t. He is rummaging in his drawer and said how a guy from the other building might come over to get a spare shirt he has. It’s a company shirt. Scott wears them a lot now that the warmer weather is here. Before he wore fleece pullovers pretty much every day. He takes out a company sweatshirt still in it’s plastic bag and asks me if I want it. Idk why I actually stop and have to think about it, because Scott is freaking offering it to me, so it should be an automatic yes. I guess it’s because I’m not even sure I really like it, because I’d prefer a hoodie, but in the end I say yes because it’s something from Scott. I thank him. I’d much have preferred if he had worn it and it smelled like him, but whatever. I wore it to bed that night and it is soft, and it’s also huge on me, but it really made me so happy wearing it. I ended up taking it off during the night though cuz I got too hot. Steve comes back and so I know my lunch is over. I hang around about another minute and then tell Scott to have a nice weekend. As he says, “Aiight. Thanks, Dane, you too” I am staring at his mouth again. I don’t mean to. I get up out of the chair and walk out, and as I’m passing by Steve’s window, at the last second I turn around and see Scott hasn’t moved and he’s watching me. I get the impression that he’s in thought about something and is asking himself a question. Of course, I have no idea what exactly, but that is the feeling that I get. I hear him walk by my cubicle carrying stuff out to his car at his normal pace and come back in. When he goes out again, he’s walking much faster than usual. I find this odd, but that could just be me.

Friday made a month since I confronted Scott and he said he needed to think about things. I’ve battled with this over and over in my mind about what my own answer is, and as much as I want it to be no, the truth is, it’s a yes. I feel terrible about it, I question what type of person this makes me, I wonder about what the future would hold if I were to actually act on my decision. I have kept telling myself over and over that I am never bringing it up again to Scott, but only because I know my answer is yes and that if his is a yes too, something would happen. So even though my answer is yes, I am still trying to do the right thing and not get an answer out of him, as much as I want one, as much as I want him to say yes back to me. I know that Scott is not likely to bring it up, so I just keep holding on to that notion. I have beat myself up over this, but I never wanted things to be like this. I can’t just be like, “Well, Scott is married, this means I am no longer going to have feelings for him.” It doesn’t work that way. I am falling for this man, but it just so happens that he is another woman’s husband. This plagues me. Acting on anything would mean breaking this woman’s heart, but it would also mean eventually breaking my own. Scott can’t truly be with me, in an actual relationship. Not as long as he’s married. But that’s what I want, a relationship. But on the other hand, not ever having him at all is also bound to be very painful. This whole situation is just one giant, double-edged sword.

I’ve asked myself, trying to convince myself my feelings are fleeting,

okay, what exactly is it I like about Scott?” But I can answer this. It’s his endearing little air-headedness, his playfulness, his calmness, the things he does, how he makes me laugh. He’s actually pretty intelligent too. He’s smarter than me in some ways, though I know I’m smarter than him in others. And that’s perfectly okay. It’s so many little things I notice about him. I know there is so much more to him that I don’t know, but the same goes for him not knowing more about me. I want to know more. I want to get to know him, every little detail there is to know about him. I have never genuinely felt this way about any man ever, even the only man who I ever fell in love with. Slowly we have been letting little bits and pieces out about ourselves and our lives. I just, I don’t know. I have genuine feelings for him and the more we talk and interact, the deeper these feelings go. But I can’t stop talking and interacting with him, because I enjoy having him in my life. If, back in the beginning of February when I first found he was married, I had moved to the 2nd floor, we probably would not have gotten this far. This would have ended. But it didn’t play out like that. For some reason, it wasn’t meant to. I don’t know how things are going to end up, but I know that things always end up how they’re supposed to. I wasn’t meant to move upstairs until I got closer to Scott, and now we’re at this point where we are both willing to keep this going despite the upcoming barrier. And we both know that the other person is on the same page.

I don’t think Scott only wants one thing from me. I don’t know anything about his marriage or his home life or his feelings for his wife, but I genuinely believe that Scott has started developing feelings for me as I have for him. I used to want to blame him, because he had kept his marriage a secret, and I would tell myself, “I wouldn’t even be in this situation if he had been honest from the beginning.” But things aren’t always what they seem to be. I don’t know Scott’s full situation, but I know it up to a certain point now with certainty: he saw me around the office and was attracted to me; we somehow started seeing each other more often and for whatever reason, he thought about actually talking to me beyond our casual hello’s; before he could do so, I started flirting with him, something he probably did not expect to happen, and so he immediately started reciprocating, not wanting to let the opportunity go. Now we’re both here. We both led each other to where we are now. I don’t blame either of us, just as I couldn’t bring myself to solely blame Scott, even though I tried to. I used to be absolutely baffled by how people ended up in affairs, but now I understand. I know that some people honestly do not care if the other person is married, so I still do not understand those types of situations, but I understand how sometimes it just happens. You don’t plan to make things difficult for yourself, and you don’t plan to fall for someone who is unavailable. If Scott did in the beginning see me as just a potential hook-up, I think it’s gone beyond that now. I can see it in the way he laughs, the way he looks at me, the way he is starting to show he cares. I am not just being lusted after. And I think this is all why Scott has not given me an answer yet. It’s gone beyond the matter of “Do I want to cheat on my wife?”. Getting involved with me would be so much more than that, and I think that’s where Scott’s true dilemma comes in. How far would this actually go, and would it unravel so many things in his life? Am I, this woman that he barely knows, worth risking everything for?

#back to long ass posts i guess #this took me like 3 hours to write this #im just as unhappy about that as you are person who has to scroll past all of this on mobile #scott #personal

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loopy-froots · 3 years

Text

Introduction Post! (TW: SA, PTSD, etc.)

Hello slasher fandom! I’m fairly new to this side of tumblr, so forgive me if I don’t understand how all this works yet! I just thought I’d introduce myself because I’ve already posted drawings and fanfiction writings so far, but maybe some of you want to know who’s behind it? If not that’s totally fine, just keep scrolling! But if you’re curious, keep reading! Btw! I’d love to get to know any of you as well, so feel free so say hi! :^]

Facts about me:

I go by the name Donn on this blog (for safety reasons I won’t be sharing my actual or preferred name anywhere on this blog, sorry!)

I chose the name Donn because of the name coming from the Celtic god of dead souls (I’m a Celtic witch by blood so I thought it’d be fitting)

My preferred pronouns when I write are she/they (leaning towards she atm because of some personal issues I deal with irl, but irl I prefer they/them more strictly… does that make any sense?)

Anyways, I’m 18+ and I very much prefer my viewers to be 18+ ONLY because of the NSFW content I post… and I also don’t want to influence anyone that impressionable cuz I have a kinda fucked up mindset atm…

But I hope that’s alright! I know kids will do what they want, and there’s not always much we can do to stop it, but please just be respectful of my wishes and DNI!

I have severe PTSD from many irl traumas that have happened to me throughout my life, and I currently live in an kind of abusive household, so my mental health has not been good…

That’s partially why I started drawing and writing fandom stuff cuz it’s currently what’s keeping me going!

I have diagnosed Adhd, but I take meds for it and am doing slightly better with my productivity! That’s why I’ve been able to crank out as much content as I have in the past few days!

I have undiagnosed autism, but it’s a work in progress cuz I’m like pretty sure I am autistic (for many reasons, the more you get the know me the more obvious it’ll get)

I am disabled in many ways: chronic physical and mental pain/illnesses, hard of hearing, etc.

I’m extremely liberal so DNI if you’re gonna be a bigot or anything cuz I will block you!

I have a partner (Who does not know about this blog yet cuz I’m v shy about sharing this kinda stuff with the people I love… partially cuz of my trauma from past relationships)

Ive suffered from THREE separate abusive romantic relationships… all of which kinda fucked with my head… so forgive my insecurities and everything! (I’m working on it tho!) but this partner I’m currently with is AMAZING AND LOVING so I’m v happy with them!

TW! I’m a S/A survivor, and it was by a friend I trusted, so I get very skittish by people irl because of the betrayal… but I find it easier to get to know people online cuz it’s not as traumatic imo

As you can see, I overshare EVERYTHING for literally no reason… like it just gushes out of me without me being able to stop it… Sorry if you’re unhappy with it! Feel free to block me if it bothers you!

I am currently seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist!! They both help me a lot with functioning as a normal person (even tho there’s no real such thing as a “normal” person imo, but it helps me survive in the society I live in)

I used to be goth, but now I’m forever torn between being goth again or being a cottagecore lesbian lol (I usually dress femme even tho my brain makes me feel like a boy a lot of the time…?)

I am extremely bisexual! Like holy shit! How come everyone is so hot?? Lol but seriously, I go all ways (I know some people say that’d make me pan but I prefer the term bisexual over being pan)

I used to be a little, but I’m not anymore because too many people took advantage of me when I was in my little mindset… I don’t let myself regress anymore unless I’m absolutely alone, but that’s rarely ever (my little age was around 10 btw)

I am extremely sensitive and am an empath! I feel my emotions EXTREMLY STRONG so I overreact to everything, am very passionate about the things I’m in love with, and cry at any given moment! I cannot and will not help it! I’ve been told too many times that I’m too sensitive and that I’m a crybaby and that my heart is too big for my body, but I don’t care anymore! Im refusing to see this as anything but a blessing for now on! Sensitive bitches are the baddest bitches lol

I used to get lots of hallucinations/psychosis, but I take meds for it and am now much better and less paranoid!

I still get paranoid about social situations tho for time to time, as im a very insecure person :(

Im a switch/power bottom! I like to be dominant on occasion, but I prefer to be a bratty sub most of the time!

I am a collector of taxidermy things!! I have several insects on my walls, as well as animal paw jewelry! If you don’t like it that’s alright! Just don’t tell me cuz I will block you! I make sure all my collection items are from humane sources and all the animals die naturally in the wild!

I am a HARDCORE clown/masked person fan… like clowns are sooo gay and sexy like why must you jingle jangle your lil clown bells when you dance like that??😩 and masked persons are just so mysterious and sexy omg

Cicero fro Skyrim was literally my clown sexual awakening… murder clown man… with a squeaky voice… yes… must have!

My first sexual awakening tho was probably Danny Phantom (Which is sooo funny cuz my partner actually named themself after him… coincidence? I think not! God does have a plan! Lol jk… unless?🥺👉🏻👈🏻)

Yes, I use the 🥺👉🏻👈🏻 emojis unironically… no, I’m not proud of it😔

HMU if you relate to any of this or just want to be friends! I’m literally so desperate for friends cuz my old roommate made me cut ties with them and then they spread rumors about me to all my other friends until no one would talk to me anymore… :( so I’m v lonely run…

But anyways, yeah that’s basically me… a huge mess but I’m on my way to getting better I guess…?

If you’re still reading all of this, THANK YOU KIND BEING! You are unlike any other…🥺❤️

Okay bye loves!

#my post #slashers #slasher community #slasher fandom #get to know me #get to know the writer #get to know the artist #get to know the author #get to know the person behind the blog #get to know the creator #tw #tw sa #tw trauma #tw ptsd #Adhd #autism #tw depression

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atozfic · 3 years

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legit all i want is one angst fic with an UNHAPPY ENDING so i can cry bUT nO when i search up angst fics THEYRE ALL FLUFF WITH "a small bit of angst" LIKE PLEASE I JSUT WANT A FIC THAT WILL MAKE ME CRY SHDLSFK - 🥢

also u know what else annoys me. WHEN LONG FICS DON'T HAVE THE KEEP READING CUT. like they write 10k words n theres no cut so u have to scroll through the whole thing,, like what if someone doesn't want to read the 10k smut someone wrote then they have to scroll through the whole thing like PLEASE if ur gonna write a long ass fic PUT A KEEP READING CUT. -- 🥢 (this legit annoys me sfm)

ALSO, WHEN THEY MAKE THE READER BLUSH "their cheeks turned pink" OR WHATEVER,, and it honestly makes me not wanna read the fic bcus like if ur gonna make the reader blush might as well just make a light-skinned oc instead, bcus its not like everyone can blush. also when they make them skinny, specific eye color, rlly rlly short. like i know its just fics, but if ur gonna put "reader" atleast try to not make it seem like the said reader is this skinny white girl. - 🥢

ok and one last thing, i know its hard but like sometimes ppl put gender neutral reader, but then put things in the fic like "babygirl/ mommy", or "babyboy/daddy", or even just like "princess" or smthn. like i know its hard to come up w gender neutral terms but yknow its just,, idk. IM SORRY FOR RANTING IN UR INBOX THESE THINGS JUST BOTHER ME SM - 🥢

okay so, originally i was gonna wait a while to reply because i was on a roll with my writing but, due to some of the issues your asks have raised, i kind of want to go on a tangent(?). don’t worry, it’s nothing negative. i’m simply gonna reply to everything you said in order though, so it doesn’t become confusing.

my reply to this is pretty basic because, while i do enjoy a good bit of angst, i personally don’t enjoy an angsty ending. maybe it’s just me but life is full of bad endings and unresolved issues, which leaves me not wanting to experience the same things when i read any form of fiction. no matter how well written it is, nor how amazing the story is, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and questioning what would happen from there. i do get your frustrations though, especially if you’re in the mood to read something heart-wrenching and all you find is fluff.

i 100% agree with the read more thing. all of my stories come with a read more tag before any of the story actually begins, no matter if its 100 or 20k words because, most of the time, my stories carry warnings on them. in my opinion, if you’re adding warnings to your story and NOT adding a read more tag, your warnings become useless. what is the point on giving a content warning if you’re not going to facilitate people avoiding being exposed to that warning? even more so if your fic is the length of the mf bible, like damn. seeing your monster fic without a read more cut isn’t going to make me want to read it, it’s going to make me block you to avoid having to see your content again. in conclusion: use read more cuts, they’re free and help you not turn people off from reading your work.

this one i’m going to maybe say something people won’t like? if so, i genuinely apologise in advance, i’m not trying to offend or hurt anyone. i’m not sure if i’ve been guilty of doing this in the past but i can say this: when i write, i do not have a vision of what the reader looks like. they are a blank entity in the story. with the blush thing, i try my best to explain the feeling of blood rushing to one’s face rather than the effect that has (aka blushing on people who have fair skin), because everyone can experience blood rush, even if it doesn’t make them blush. this is where maybe some people might not appreciate what i’m about to say... i don’t think this is something writers do on purpose. while i understand it hurts to feel excluded, i don’t think any writer who writes under the “x reader” tag is going out of their way to make people feel that way. the problem is, in writing, there is an incredible emphasis on showing and not telling. this becomes difficult to do when you’re constricted under what you can say to avoid excluding anyone, which is why i think writers sometimes slip up. it’s nothing hateful or purposeful (this is most cases, i obviously can’t speak for everyone), it’s just something that accidentally slips their minds, no matter how hard they try to make their stories accessible for everyone. i’ll finish this off by just saying, if someone ever reads one of my stories and feels the reader isn’t inclusive to them (despite being tagged that way), please tell me politely. don’t treat me like your enemy, because i guarantee it’s not something i ever want to make you feel.

the section above also applies to this part. there’s no need to apologise for ranting in my inbox, i’m completely fine with it so long as you- and anyone else who does it- is fine with receiving a response.

#🎐: message board #🥢 anon

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loyally-unfaithful · 4 years

Text

—; but “sentimental boy” is my nom de plume

word count: 1916

pairing: connor/gn!reader

genre: slight fluff; hurt no comfort

summary: it has been a year after the android revolution. humans and android alike settled down, an olive branch was offered as a sign of reconciliation. with newfound peace came along newfound love, and many open roads to choose from. this was no different for the rk800—connor. surprisingly or unsurprisingly, he decided to continue working at the dpd, this time as a bonafide detective. but he has also accepted the thrilling uncertainty of life that deviancy has brought; the same strings that brought his lover in his life.the same ones he hated and cursed, the same fates who ripped it all away.

a/n: everytime i convince myself i came out of my dbh hyperfixation i just look at connor and i become lovesick again.

gosh i know i should be finishing my other fic or work on the prologue script for my vn, but,,,,,,, i just had a sudden hankering for connor angst,,,,

written during a sleep deprivation induced moment of epiphany,,,,, (purple prose cuz im extra af uwu)

I’ve never written angst before so i’d love to hear your thoughts on it

maybe if you asked him one year ago whether he’d consider returning someone’s feelings, romantic feelings, he’d reply to you with a placid smile and a polite « i’m sorry, i wasn’t programmed to reciprocate romantic interest. ». he remembered that he’d sneer at them internally. now thinking about it, long before he questioned his obedience towards her, he already showed signs of deviancy.

you did what you were designed to do.

memories from his past would still torment him erratically, doubts would resurface on particularly dark days. but you were the light that cut through that haze. this wasn’t a “fake deviancy”. it couldn’t have been. not when he is holding your body so close to his, warmth radiating off of each other, two heartbeats—similar, but different—thrumming together. all the softly whispered and adoringly announced « i love you »’s; all the quick and coveted pecks and all the feverish and passionate kisses. no, he was alive, he was sure of it—alive and absolutely enamoured by you. all semblance of doubt ebbed away when you entered his life.

whenever he’s around you, he feels more alive: you make him feel everything, all the little precious things. tenderness and adoration when he shares tranquil mornings with you. he feels more alive when he’s with you, all the little habits and routines too endearing: the sweet post-it notes scattered over your shared flat; scribbled upon it are encouraging words or sweet nothings. conflicting work schedules meant that moments spent together were scarce, but that made them even more valuable and coveted. captivation, was another emotion that he felt around you. your mannerism, your dreams and interests, your physical attributes and quality of voice. logically speaking, you were just another human, insignificant in the grand scheme of things. you’d live and then one day, you’d die. as if you never really existed. but he wasn’t being logical. how could he be? when you were right there in front of him? you made him irrational, and he found that new aspect in life thrilling. confusing at first, but exciting. he was eternally grateful that you let him experience all these beautiful emotions with you. he was grateful that you allowed him in your short journey that you called life.

he was happy, absolutely content, with his shared life with you. you were both in perfect places in your respective lives: you both had a stable job, loving family backing you up, and a fulfilling love life. what seemed to be a mismatched couple at first turned to be 2 pieces of the same puzzle finally finding their place. life for the both of you couldn’t be better.

but along with the many exquisite moment that your romantic endeavours brought you, the android didn’t only taste the sweet delicacies of life; no matter how idyllic a moment may be, there were times when he had to taste the astringent and sour desserts life offered.

anger. that was an emotion that he felt. but that’s not accurate, no… it was frustration and shock and betrayal, all the unsavoury feelings in the world. perhaps it was due to his inexperience, maybe his lack of exposure to these negative sentiments, that caused him to snap the way he did. to hurt you the way he did. but it happened and there was no turning back the clock.

no matter how much he begged and cried for it.

he was proud that you got the job offer in canada, he really was. and he, like any other caring boyfriend would, offered to accompany you there, an offer which you gladly accepted. that was the plan. but plans were difficult to follow. crime waits for no man, working for the law meant that connor must always be available for duty. no excuses, he was an android. but connor wasn’t just a simple android detective, no, he had a much more important role: he was the link, the messenger, between jericho and the police force. he was the crucial communication between the two forces. so when jericho contacted him about threats of anti-android attacks, he had to make an appearance at their base. the meeting coincided with the day you were meant to travel to canada. it was a simple trip really. it only took a few hours by train, stay in canada for 2 days (it was the weekend), and then return back to detroit, probably arriving in the late afternoons to their home.

but you were looking forwards to traveling with your wonderful partner after « [we] spent so much time apart ». the day he told you the urgent change of plans, connor was tired, overwhelmed. you were frustrated and expectant. a fight was bound to have erupted. accusatory statements, along the lines of: « you don’t actually care about me! it’s all about work and work and work! » and « i can’t believe how selfish you’re being right now! » in between shouting and yelling and frustration and anger and contempt–

you both went to bed exhausted but spiteful, still not forgiving each other. in hindsight, he felt so utterly pathetic, so unbelievably childish, for being that cruel, and uncaring. he didn’t want to be like him again. so many glares and insults were thrown at each other, tears threatened to spill, LED flashed and shone a true red, doors were slammed. he felt awful, plain and simple. you both lied in the same bed, under the same cover. so close yet so excruciatingly far apart. back facing the other’s, no one said a word.

you woke up before him. bitter and unhappy. no morning kisses, no whispered « i love you » to wake your other half. you wordlessly got yourself ready, grabbed your bag and quietly snuck out. no post it notes were left. no sweet promises or encouraging words. you could do this work trip without him. you were independent. you didn’t need a tin can to chaperone you everywhere. so you left. plain and simple. gone. since you woke up and left earlier than planned, you boarded an earlier train. how lovely and convenient. the carriages were mostly filled with androids. perhaps they were trying to immigrate to canada like the others. who knows. you paid no mind and absentmindedly scrolled through your phone, obsessively checking your messages to see if connor realised. to see if he apologised. because frankly, at that point you were tired of being mad and just wanted to spend the day in his arms. but prideful and petty as you were, you weren’t willing to apologise and admit your mistakes first.

connor roused from stasis a few moments afterward, less bitter and more regretful. he wished to right his wrongs but the normally warm presence beside him was not there. his system was slowly booting back up when his audio sensor picked up an incessant ringing from the living room. he jolted up and rushed out to pick up the ringing phone call and waited for the other side to speak up.

the room was so utterly quiet, a silence so suffocating engulfed the room, that you could hear a pin drop. the voice on the other side asked whether this was indeed your house and that he was indeed connor anderson. he swallowed dryly and answered with a soft, « yes ». running a quick check in his database, he matches the caller’s voice with a certain nathaniel edwards. first responder. he allowed his HUD to display the news. if androids could get pale, have all their blood drain from their faces, his would have certainly done so. he stood, rigid and motionless, consumed by shock and horror.

the news and the first responder’s words blended into one as he gripped the phone tighter: « this morning, at 7:48 am the train from detroit to toronto was caught in a devastating turn of events: the train soon caught in fire and exploded as it made its way over the border. it has been confirmed that there has been 0 survivors. it is unclear whether this was an unfortunate accident or the result of anti-android terrorism. »

the other person’s voice poured through the speaker but he wasn’t listening. he stared blankly in front of him. no way, he thought, it couldn’t have been… the only sign that the android was registering the other man’s input was the now constant red LED.

« sir? sir. i’m sorry to bring this— – no, this isn’t right… you must have the wrong number, he interrupted. there were probably others with your name… maybe they were mistaken... – sir that’s not possible, w— – you must have gotten the wrong house… not… it-it couldn’t have been…» but he knew how improbable it was that they got the wrong number. he was built to be logical, to believe statistics. the statistics told him you were dead. long gone. he hoped and prayed that you stayed back, didn’t get on the earlier train. the statistics told him you did.

he choked out a response, quiet and defeated. you were gone. he’d never get to see you again. « i… i’m sorry… i-i don’t understand… – we tried our best to find them sir, but… the fire was too severe… if we gain any new developm— – you didn’t save them. »

still in a daze, he must have hung up on the poor man and unceremoniously dropped the phone. its clatter the only sound in this deafening silence. the reality of it all comes crashing through and he collapsed, ugly sobs escaping him as the denial faded away to make way for the pure and unfiltered grief. he felt lost. for the first time in a long while since amanda he felt so utterly and completely lost. no more shining beacon during his dark and stormy nights. no more valued affection and coveted kisses. no more notes and no more smile to come home to.

he laughed bitterly, devoid of any humour. it was funny, just how cruel the fates were: made human life so fleeting. lachesisonly gave them such a short eternity. and when he thought you both found your missing halves, bound to another by an invisible string, atropos cuts it. a small snippet that is so easily ripped away from you. he belonged with you, he felt at peace with you. he was able to be what he struggled to be for the majority of his miserable and artificial existence. with you, he was able to be happy.

but now he’ll have to get used to not coming home to a warm embrace. he’ll have to get used to going into stasis alone, in the cold bed. he’ll have to get used to his aching heart being greeted by an empty house. every cold and lonely nights. it’s ridiculous how human he felt because of you. and he was both thankful and spiteful for it.

sadness and bitter regret ripped through him when he remembered that he didn’t share goodbyes before he left. he remembered how he couldn’t have apologised to you and tenderly held you. he regretted not being able to tell you how much he loved you and how much you meant to him for the last time. ra9 only knows the things he’d do and the things he’d sacrifice, just to have you in his arms again.

instead he was faced with the bitter reminder that the last thing he’s ever said to you, your last memory of him, was a contemptuous and scornful « i wished i never met you ».

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faunusrights · 4 years

Text

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 21

IN THIS EPISODE OF MURPHY IS SO VERY SLEEPY BUT THE UPDATE SCHEDULE TAKES NO PRISONERS (FOR THE MOMENT):

“So it’s true,” she wheezed between grit fangs—“that bitch really does have you on a leash.”

KINKY,

me: okay lemme refresh on what happened last chapter-- me: /remembers me: oh yeah! yeah that SUCKED,

lets us continue on the journey of deep and immense sadness with glynda ‘clown shoes’ goodwitch!!!!!!!! here we go here we go

It took a while to pry back the jaws of her soul and wrench herself out of them.

ooh i rly like the context change here. before glynda was kinda falling back into her soul as a way of just Getting On With Shit or protecting herself, but now it’s framed in a fun new way of please can i get out of here now. good job glynda. look at u GROUNDING YRSELF like a CHAMP who should have been in a TKO LIKE FIVE ROUNDS AGO--

What did that mean? Had she asked Cinder about Ochre? Glynda struggled to recall, but the memories swirled like clouded ink in her skull.

i still love the continuation of glynda’s Mysterious Messages To Herself. she leads such a thrilling life of ‘did i write that’ and ‘did i do that’ and ‘what does any of this mean’

Hating herself, Glynda found she couldn’t remember.

and also a less thrilling life of the squeaky clown shoes variety. glynda PLEASE

She had to know: was anything Cinder had given her real?

the YOU and the US,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, the DESTINY. dw babe im sure cinder Has Never Told A Lie, Even Once In Her Life, On Account Of Being A Very Open And Honest Person,

Had she been abandoned? Cinder had been unhappy when she left. Angry, maybe. Angry enough to take her leave for good? Or had she always planned to?

i love watching glynda slowly become kind of,,,,,,,,,,,, more aware of herself in relation to other people? sometimes she still Moves or Does w/o rly thinking it thru, but we’ve got quite a change from, like, early chapters of glynda where she was barrelling along with VERY little disregard for both actions AND consequences,,, but look at her now!!!!!!! using her whole ass BRAIN. im proud of her.

When she tried to dismiss this first fear, another one was waiting underneath: had something happened to Cinder?

In her attempts to keep Glynda’s soul from smothering them both, Cinder had been quite willing to converse over the phone with her—even if her texts were short and snippy, she usually at least responded, to avoid backlash. Did she not care anymore? Or—

Or was she unable to?

/leans in, like, uncomfortably close to the microphone

glynda darling i do Not mean 2 worry u but yr (future) gf is currently grieving, pissed beyond belief, and also

/checks notes

failing her way into becoming strawberry jam

But, surprisingly, there was another half to Glynda now: one that worried, despite facts, that Cinder was in danger. That Cinder might need her.

GO AND GET THE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The light caught in every golden thread of her crown emblem, embroidered with diligent precision. But something else caught her eye: the midnight black surrounding it had a sheen to it. Subtle red ducked through the fabric, glittering like burnished stars in a distant night sky: fire Dust.

The flash of a memory: Cinder’s face when Glynda had complained that her last cape had been burned.

This cape would not burn.

okay so no lie i cant read this bit without my eyes starting to water abt just how GOOD this section is and i have cried TOO MANY TIMES over this fic ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! T H A N K Y O U F O R T H E F O O D !

CINDER MADE IT FIREPROOF. SHE DIDNT HAVE TO. SHE DIDNT NEED TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT THE SYMBOLISM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS U N R E A L. I AM CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

GO GET THE GIRL YOU MORON

Glynda didn’t know what to do.

Glynda dialed Winter.

and i am INSTANTLY launched back into the comedy that is glynda goodwitch’s life at large THANKS FOR THE WHIPLASH

“No, I mean… I was awful to you the last time we spoke. I know I was. I keep thinking about it. I’m so sorry, I just… Don’t have anyone else to go to right now. I don’t know who else I’d call.” It was horrible to admit. Loneliness had never shamed her before because her soul had held it at bay. Now it made her sick. “I’m safe. If you don’t want to talk to me…”

LOOK AT THIS CHARACTER GROWTH,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, GLYNDA!!!!!!!! YR DOIN SO WELL BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EVERYONE COME LOOK AT HER THINKING WITH HER M I N D.

“I lashed out at you, Professor Goodwitch. That wasn’t right of me. I should have known that you weren’t truly to blame for what you said. I know Cinder. She’s manipulative. She twists the world and makes you think she’s a different person than who she really is. I blamed you in the moment, but Cinder Fall is truly the person at fault for making you believe that I would try to hurt you. I shouldn’t have raised my voice or said the things I did.”

/rubs face

like winter needs to be in this fic and og was bereft not having her actually take up 30% of the space as she DESERVES, but god i forgot that shes a whole Thing and winter please just. shush. for a moment. for a second. ilusm. but please shut up.

Glynda was pacing, her Scroll levitating near her.

side note but casual uses of glyndas semblance is one of my fav things i love seeing it. glynda ‘look mom no hands’ goodwitch out here,

Glynda closed her eyes. The tactile recollection of cats arching, bristling, and spitting. Backed into corners. “Maybe she was panicking. I don’t know.”

i dont rly have much to say here other than continuing to enjoy Cinder As Cat, the ongoing metaphor. glyndas just gonna pick her up the scruff of the neck eventually and we will ALL b thankful.

ughghghgb im not gonna copy paste this whole convo w/ winter because this is a liveblog not a shitty projection of the fic on the side wall of a bowling alley, BUT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD glynda is so WORRIED,,,,,,,,,,, past glynda is befuddled. bemused. why does future glynda Feel so much. but future glynda is FEELING and i love her. das yr gf yr worried abt. DAS HER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and also yr other gf winter too but like that’s a long-con sort of egg to hatch,

While it had been some time now since Glynda had been in a proper fight, she expected no trouble. This wasn’t Cinder—ergo: this wasn’t a real threat to her. Still, she would bide her time and hold her silence, if only for the chance of getting a hint of what was going on.

This wasn’t Cinder—ergo: this wasn’t a real threat to her.

LADS,,,, LADIES,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, BEANS,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, IS IT GAY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, TO SEE YR RIVAL AS YR ONLY REAL THREAT,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The group crossed the room as one unit, guns aloft and eyes peeled, determined to not be ambushed.

Glynda intended to ambush them regardless.

i dont like 2 say when an au gets a character so right that all other interpretations aren’t valid, but.......................... offal hunt gets glynda so right that all other interpretations aren’t valid, and thats that, on that,

One left. Glynda didn’t hesitate. She had been built to fight Grimm; far stronger, far quicker, far more bestial foes than these. She was herself a blade, sharpened far too fine for these intruders.

sounds hot

“Are they...alive?”

Glynda didn’t pause to check.

“Professor? Are they alive?”

glynda: fuck them kids

“How will you get to her?” Winter asked.

“I always find her in the end,” Glynda answered.

hrm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i wonder if that’s foreshadowing something

Her soul was churning inside her, longing for solace, for Cinder. She could picture the way like a burning trail in her mind’s eye; that bright-yellow tether between herself and Cinder, that pathway between their souls that she had tread so many times before. It always led her to Cinder.

HRM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I WONDER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

“Good luck, Glynda.”

“Thank you,” she said again, pausing under the streetlights. “But I won’t need luck. I’ll find her.”

FELLAS,

what a good chapter!!!!!!!!!!! also i cried. BUT I HAD A REAL GOOD TIME. I CAN IMAGINE THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE LESS OF A GOOD TIME, BUT FOR NOW, I WILL ENJOY THE MENTAL IMAGE OF GLYNDA’S BICEPS AND HER FUTURE WEDDING ALSO,

#rwby #offal hunt #liveblog

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pointedly-foolish · 4 years

Text

[ вut "sєntímєntαl вσч" ís mч nσm dє plumє ]

word count: 1916

pairing: connor/gn!reader

genre: slight fluff; hurt no comfort

a/n: everytime i convince myself i came out of my dbh hyperfixation i just look at connor and i become lovesick again.

gosh i know i should be finishing my other fic or work on the prologue script for my vn, but,,,,,,, i just had a sudden hankering for connor angst,,,,

written during a sleep deprivation induced moment of epiphany,,,,, (purple prose cuz im extra af uwu)

I’ve never written angst before so i’d love to hear your thoughts on it

you did what you were designed to do.

no matter how much he begged and cried for it.

he laughed bitterly, devoid of any humour. it was funny, just how cruel the fates were: made human life so fleeting. lachesis only gave them such a short eternity. and when he thought you both found your missing halves, bound to another by an invisible string, atropos cuts it. a small snippet that is so easily ripped away from you. he belonged with you, he felt at peace with you. he was able to be what he struggled to be for the majority of his miserable and artificial existence. with you, he was able to be happy.

instead he was faced with the bitter reminder that the last thing he’s ever said to you, your last memory of him, was a contemptuous and scornful « i wished i never met you ».

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#detroit: become human #connor detroit: become human #connor x reader #connor dbh #connor rk800 #falsely writes

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sorrybaescenarios · 6 years

Text

Thunder || Byun Baekhyun scenario || part 2

A/N: woooow this took me so much time im sorry. thank you so much for all the love part 1 received, i dont deserve it.

♛ Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader

♛ Genre: angst

♛ Word count: 1,4k ops

The ride home was quiet, the only thing heard being the rain from outside accompanied by the occasional thunder. Baekhyun would sometimes sneak a glance at you through the rear-view mirror, sighing softly when you moved your head the other way. He looked like he wanted to say something, explain himself but as soon as he opened his mouth at a red light, no words came out. Was he nervous? Definitely. But he knew that sooner or later, he would still have to talk. When the car slowed down and your house came into view, you were up and ready to just storm out and run into the house, wanting to get as far away from him as possible. So, when you went to open the car’s door and saw that it wouldn’t budge, you finally turned to look at him with a scowl on your face.

“It’s still raining pretty hard, don’t you want to wait for a bit?” he asked, a small smile forming on his lips which only made you glare at him harder. He frowned at this and went to open the doors, seeing no point of keeping you in here if you were unhappy.

You turned around to look out the window, contemplating if you should leave now or ask for an explanation. A part of you told you to leave, saying he should be the one to feel the need to explain not for you to beg for him to talk. The other one, who was apparently stronger, wanted you to stay, needing some sort of comfort. So, you did.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

At your words, his head immediately shot up, clearly not expecting you to talk to him.

“Wait, scratch that. Were you even going to?” you asked, crossing your arms over your chest.

His eyes widened in surprise at your accusation, “Of course! How could I not?!”

You raised a brow at this, leaning back on your seat, “Oh really? When? Tomorrow? Hours before leaving?”

He shifted his eyes back to the ground, a habit you’ve caught him doing on multiple occasions when he feels guilty about something. So that’s it then. His lack of words angered you more and this time you actually opened the door, leaving him alone in the vehicle.

You took off running for shelter towards your house, the heavy rain soaking you from head to toe. After a few seconds you heard the other door slamming shut and Baekhyun’s voice yelling for you.

“Wait, Y/N, I’m sorry! I was meaning to tell you, I swear I was! I just - I got caught up with all of the planning so we could spend as much time together as possible that it just completely slipped my mind.”

“Something like this doesn’t just slip your mind Baekhyun!” you yelled back, tears starting to form in your eyes, “you can’t just not tell me these types of stuff! In all of this planning you did, have you even thought about me for a second? Or did you just think about yourself?”

He stayed there silent as the rain poured on him, soaking his hair and clothes. His eyes locked with yours, silently begging for forgiveness. He knew he was in the wrong here, no doubt about that but he still hoped you could look past it and forgive him, like you always do.

Except this time, you didn’t.

“Just go! You were going to leave anyway.”

And with that, you finally disappeared inside your house, slamming the door shut behind you.

Two weeks have passed since that day and Baekhyun has done everything in his power to get you to talk to him. For the first few days, he kept texting and calling non-stop making you wonder how in the world did he have so much free time to keep blowing up your phone. When you actually answered one of his calls, he swore he almost had a heart attack. He was so happy and hyper that you picked up, he did all of the talking, you chiming in once in a while to answer one of his questions. After realizing one phone call can’t solve everything, he started sending you flowers. A lot of flowers. Your house was basically full of them, from small cute bouquets to large pots you could barely fit through the door. And with them came the occasional letter, saying how much he loved and missed you. It was really cute, and by the end of week two you were ready to even fly to where he was just to talk to him in person. Almost

You were laying on your couch, scrolling through your social media when you heard the door open and close with a soft click. You looked up when you heard huffing and puffing and saw your best friend from across the hall trying to make your way towards where you were through all the flowers.

“Jesus Y/N, how many flowers does this boy has to send for you to forgive him?”

You chuckled as she still struggled to walk without knocking anything over, being extra careful when your phone lit up with a notification. Your attention went back to the device hoping it was another text from Baek when you saw someone mentioned you in a post. Confused, you tapped on the notification and were greeted with a video that was currently loading.

After a few seconds, the first thing that popped on the screen was your boyfriend, dressed in a fancy dark blue suit which appeared to be frantically looking for someone. He appeared to be at an event of some sorts where cameras weren’t really allowed since this was clearly filmed with a phone. Once his eyes set on that person which was currently off screen, a big smile formed on his lips before he started jogging in that direction. And that’s when you saw it. His ex. Your eyes widened as they hugged and started talking, laughing and smiling at each other. They looked really good together, like really good and you bet if you were ever next to the two of them, people would think you’re the 3rd wheel not her.

You were about to close the video, seeing nothing major in it. You knew Baekhyun and his ex ended things in a friendly manner, so this didn’t bother you, that much, but thanks God you didn’t because in the next second she leaned in really close to him and whispered something into his ear, pulling away just as fast and planting a quick kiss to his cheek before walking away.

The sound of the doorbell distracted you from the anger that was bubbling inside you and you stormed off towards the door, knocking down all the flowers that were in your way, knowing exactly who it was, leaving your best friend dumbfounded in the middle of the living room.

“Hello, delivery for miss Y/L/N.” said the tall man with numerous bouquets behind him.

“Where were they sent from?” you asked impatiently.

The man paused, looking through his files, “China ma’am.”

“Ok, I want you to send them to this address.” You finally breathed out, scribbling down an address on his notebook. He nodded before saying his goodbyes and leaving.

And that’s exactly what you did for the whole next week. Every time a delivery for you came, it didn’t matter what it was, as long as they were from him, you just send them off to the SM building so Baekhyun could get it all when he came back. At first, you wanted to send them off to her but then quickly decided against it since she would most probably tell Baekhyun about it.

After that, you just ignored all of Baekhyun’s texts and calls and kept sending his deliveries away. You knew you were being childish, but you really couldn’t help it. For all he knew before, you were still mad at him so how could he just go and be all cozy with his ex was beyond you.

Another week passed and you got rid of almost all of the flowers that were still in your apartment, leaving the ones that were still fresh.

You were currently sitting on your couch, doing some work on your laptop when a knock on the door got your attention. You got up and made your way to the front door, opening it without checking. How you wish you would’ve.

There he was, your boyfriend in all of his glory standing right in front of you with bags under his eyes, looking tired.

“Can I come in?”

______________

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#exo #exo scenarios #exo reactions #exo baekhyun #baekhyun scenarios #exo angst #baekhyun angst

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super-lemon-sama · 5 years

Text

I’ve made a very personal realization recently.

I normally don’t post personal stuff that isn't just like a funny story or something silly, but I really wanted to share this.

It’s pretty long and kind of a jumbled mess so I’ll leave it under read more.

Okay this is gonna sound weird but- I just realized that I’m like really actually gay.

I mean the past two years I’ve been pretty open about liking girls so we been known, you know, but not like known known?

That probably doesn't make sense.

What I mean is I didn't totally understand it.

(if you wanna skip to the chase you can scroll down to the bottom and read under the horizontal line)

You see my family is pretty conservative, and I love them and all but I have to be honest, they aren’t very open minded. On top of that It wasn't until VERY recently that I’ve had any openly gay friends or piers.

So for the past seven years I’ve really struggled with who I am and how I feel. It’s hard to talk about it and accept my feeling because for years and years I really convinced myself that I was just fucked in the head and couldn't love anyone. I thought the only correct option for me was to like guys and that if I didn't like guys there was something wrong with me.

It wasn't even on my radar that a girl could actually like a girl. It was so cemented in my brain that guys were the only option, and never had anyone around me who could show or tell me otherwise. Like it wasn't that my family or community forced those crazy “you cant be gay!” or “gay is a sin, and if you’re gay you’re going to hell!” “values” upon me. It’s that no one ever spoke about the gays or being gay. Gay just didn't exist in my world.

I was so completely... uninformed I guess.

The first time I discovered anything gay was around 8th grade; I was on the internet by then and hung out with the weebs at school so I had heard of Yuri and Yaoi. (I rarely saw yuri though) These two girls in particular who I was the closest to in the weeb group, were in fact lesbians. But like my brain just couldn't recognize it. I didn't realized they were ACTUAL lesbians for the longest time, one because I just thought they were acting like these two anime characters they shipped together and two because I still didn't know what a lesbian was, I just knew that a girl kissing a girl was yuri.

there’s so much that I didn't know or understand. I wish that someone who could have just told me so I wouldn't have had to suffer so much just to learn what I know now.

it was also around 8th grade that I found out Asexuality was a thing and was like:

“Oh yeah that’s super me!”

because back then (and even now) I hated the thought of being physically intimate with a guy. It super freaked me out and made me uncomfortable.

Additionally America is fucked and likes to make people scared of sex instead of actually educating anyone about it; so for most of my life intimacy of any kind has always been labeled as “A bad bad terrible thing you should never do or you’re a shameful and disgusting person”. It was so bad that I thought that it was wrong to even think about holding someones hand. (I’m still struggling with that tbh. partly because of my anxiety and slight germaphobia. But i’m getting better about it and it almost not even a problem around people I’ve known for a long time)

I dont really remember when or what led me to realize I liked girls. I just remember it was around maybe 11th or 12th grade, when I befriended this guy and thought that since I liked him more than other guys that I had met that it meant I “like liked” him, so we started dating. Around this time I still considered myself asexual, but started joking about anime girls and shit like that, because it was the hip meme at the time.

But the more I joked about liking girls the more I realized that it wasn't really a joke. I started thinking about how pretty and nice girls are; and about how I like being around them. How I never really felt any strong or even really positive feelings towards any guys. So I started thinking if I had ever liked anyone more than my boyfriend at the time, and it hit me like a brick.

I dont want to talk about it to much but there’s a certain person I used to talk to that I was really really close to. I always thought about how I wanted to live in a house with her and see her everyday and joked about getting best friend married to her. They were jokes but I did mean them. I really did want to live with her, I wanted to see her everyday, and I remember really wishing there was such a thing as “best friend marriage”.

If I had even one openly gay friend back then I think I would have figured it out so much sooner.

Actually Thinking back on it now all my friends probably thought I was gay, wish one of them would have told me, lmao.

(I also realized that a majority of my ocs were very very gay)

But I was fucked up about it for a long time, because she was my best friend, and I had been saying I was straight or asexual for so long, I was so scared people were going to think I was a crazy liar and hate me. Plus she was straight and had a boyfriend by the time I moved away.

Which I wasn't sad or mad about actually. He's a really cool dude and he made her really happy which always made me really happy. Like he would make her laugh and I would almost want to just thank the dude for making her so happy.

We drifted apart, which is kind of my fault. I missed her so much but I felt like it was wrong for me to miss her, and I was scared that I would confess my feelings to her compulsively and it would make everything awful and weird, and that she wouldn't want to talk to me ever again. To me our friendship going unruined was the most important thing, because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or unhappy, so and my dumb ass brain decided that If I basically stop being friends with her by ghosting her that I couldn't ruin our friendship.

It’s not like our friendship ever “ended” or anything. If I wanted to talk to her I’m sure I could. But it’s been so long that I just want to leave that door closed. But I’m at peace with that and have actually been able to move on.

There’s some stuff I want to briefly mention just because they’ve all happened pretty recently so I don’t entirely have my thoughts on them settled yet.

How about two years ago in my collage art class I made friends with some lgbt people who Invited me to their club, and started going to meeting with a couple different lgbt students. I learned a lot there. I wish I would have asked more questions back then but it was all so new at the time I dont think I could have reaaaally understood any explanations I got anyway.

I dated someone who was non-binary trans for a while, and I have to be honest I didn't really get it back then; transgender was a new concept for me at the time so I kept getting confused. You see I thought trans only applied to mtf and ftm and that non-binary was a category all it’s own. I mean it is but you know what I mean.

I wanted to understand but felt like asking them questions about it would have been mean so I didn't. hhhhhhhhhhhh im so fukin dumbbbb.

I’m not proud of it but I broke up with them because I felt so bad for not understanding them, I felt like I wasn't giving them the understanding and validation they deserved. I really liked hanging out with them and talking to them, but they really liked me and I just felt like I wasn't a good enough. I was so scared of hurting their feelings that I... hurt their feelings.

Flawless logic, I know.

and here’s the part were I finally realize that I’m a big gay

It’s stupid because It’s literally the most basic and obvious thing you would realize when you’re gay and yet it somehow took me this long to figure it out.

I realized that the thought of kissing a guy is gross, but the thought of kissing a girl is nice.

I would be comfortable and happy being in a relationship with a girl.

I would like to live with and marry a girl one day.

I’m mad that it took me so long to freaking realize this shit, but I’m glad that I have.

I dont think I’m a lesbian technically since I do like non-binary people too (Though with a fem lean. if that’s how you say that???)

But there’s a lot I still dont know, like what I would even call myself, but I would really like to learn; So if any of you have read this far and want to share some of your knowledge please do!

Thank you all so much for your time and support, I love you and hope you have a great day!

#marie talks #personal #lgbt #i still have a LOT ahead of me #like the fact that im not technically out of the closet #and im nervous but i feel good about it #i hope i didnt say anything weird or fucked up #but if i did please let me know!

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myheartislookingforyoualways · 3 years

Text

04.03.2021

Dear G,

Oftentimes now after we message each other I simply scroll through each of our conversations scouring for any treasures that I missed. I always find things that i have the joy of coming across . We are so behind on being in contact with each other I feel like I am trying to listen to as much as you say as I can and tell you as much as I can say as possible. I cannot and will never get enough of you. To be honest I will always be this way about you. When we weren’t talking to each other I always thought about you. Now that we are talking I think of you even more. Today after all our conversations, after all our little sweet words to each other. After all our voice notes to each other, after all our pictures to each other. After we say goodnight to each other I went through all of our messages again and sure enough I found my treasure from today’s conversation : let’s grow together. Let’s grow together. I just saw those words that you wrote to me and I didn’t even notice them at first. So bent on listening to your voice notes, laughing at how sweet you were. Here it was, the most simple and profound statement and the one that I dreamt about and wished for dearly in the past month. Let’s grow together. Us. You and I. Together and growing together . Living life together and going through it all holding hands and facing whatever comes to us: good, great, not so good, bad, and amazing. Most of all beautiful because we’ll be doing this life together. Yes I accept your offer to grow together completely and with an open heart that is all yours. I’m going to hold your hand and be here for you through it all. Yes let’s grow together my love.

The work is never done. The healing never stops. Choosing sobriety is never a thing to put on auto pilot. My hands must be focused on the road ahead at all times. But having you along for this ride is a blessing in my life. This is it. This is the best part of our lifes. We’re living in it right now. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow isn’t here yet. We are here and we are together. The now is endless possibility built on the choices that we make for ourselves and with each other. i’m here for all the choices that choose sobriety, that choose healing that choose love. I choose me and I choose you and I choose us. I’m going to keep doing that again and again and again. Every day i will till you that I’m here not just by saying those words to you but by choosing actions that are consistent with the life I want to live and being the best person i can be.

I know it isn’t always easy or even enjoyable. Changing my behaviour that I’ve kept up, my self destructive patterns, my fear based loved, my toxic character traits, that I’ve used in my life for three decades is a day to day task that is often times uncomfortable, difficult or even painful to do so. It’s not easy and it never was going to be. There will never be a day where I can just say that I’ve completed it either. I will never not be a recovering alcoholic, I will never not be a recovering addict, I will never not be an adult child of an alcoholic, I will never not be the survivor of intergenerational trauma. But those are just things that happened to me in the past. They can’t do anything to me anymore if I don’t let them steal the opportunity I have now to be the person i want to be. I always had a choice to be exactly who I wanted to. I was the only one ever limited myself . I can be free of my pain. I can accept what happened to me as a child. I can let go of my shame. I can let myself be loved and love the way I always wanted to ever since I was I boy. I can do, have and get all these things and I will. That much is in my power and control. Everything else is not and I am going to always be aware of the difference. Trying to control things that I cannot, should not try to, and wouldn’t ever want to is over for me. I understand now why I would want to lie. I want to lie to control people and outcomes. I want to lie because the first lie I told was to myself when I was a little boy . I lied to myself and told myself I wasn’t mad, I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t in pain, I didn’t want to cry, my life was fine, my dad wasn’t an alcoholic, I wasn’t ashamed of him, I wasn’t afraid of him. Everything was fine, I was fine, our family was fine, everything was perfect, nothing was wrong. Right there is where it started.

Conversations with each other around change and the fact that I always have to chase after it won’t always be comfortable, warm and fuzzy. Sometimes they’ll be uncomfortable. Sometimes they’ll be painful. They won’t be easy. They wo’t be enjoyable. But I’m here for them. Im here for all of them. True intimacy and openness involves not just the conversations we want to have but also the conversations we don’t want to have. It involves a truthful, sometimes brutally honest approach and response. I’m here it. You are done walking on eggshells and I am done with you doing that. I will always from now on be here not just for the nice conversations but also for the difficult ones too. Growing together is included together in these conversations because at the end of these conversations if we were both truthful with each there is growth there. Measurable growth. It’s really amazing. Maybe it doesn’t seem so amazing to anyone else but me. But for me, a person who has spent almost his whole life hiding, running, manipulating, ignoring, omitting and downright lying about the truth, its a revealation. Truth allows sharing and sharing allows intimacy and intimacy allows growing together. There it is. That’s it. I am shocked at how for all the life I’ve lived this is really the first time I’ve undestood the true strength behind just accepting and sharing the truth. It’s love.

Today when my dealer messaged me and you asked me who it was I had an opportunity . I could have simply lied. I could have. I did think about it. I really did. Then I just didn’t. I was done. I was going to just tell the truth. Not try to explain or omit or adjust or manipulate the truth. Just the truth. Well of course you were upset. Understandable. You were right . It was an error of judgement on my part. I thank you for not walking on eggshells. I need you to always do that for me as my best friend my partner and my lover. Sobriety and making the choices of sobriety is an ongoing thing. It’s not binary. It’s not all or nothing like I always thought before. It’s not a 1 or a 0 . It’s a continuum. There are many choices between stone cold sobriety and all out relapse. Identifying which ones are leading towards or away from sobriety are important. Sometimes I’ll make mistakes, sometimes I won’t make the best choices for myself despite everything. My addict brain is tricky with me sometimes. My day to day motto is unconditional sobriety . I say it like a mantra . Again and again. I gotta live it too. Anything less that complete unconditional sobriety and the single choice of peace is not sobriety. Its a pathway back to relapse. I did need to tell him exactly what i was doing at the time I did. It was something necessary for me to do to give myself back my agency in my life and stop giving my choice to other people. I needed to and wanted to tell him flat out no. For so much of my life, if things get difficult i run, I hide, I find the easy way out. Drugs, alcohol, turning my phone off, ignoring people, just going along with things, ignoring things, not talking about things. My life is about avoiding difficult things because I am uncomfortable saying no and saying what I want and don’t want. If I just hid from him I would have had any growth. One more person to be afraid of and hide from. Keeping him my dirty little secret along with hiding my addiction is no longer my interest. Facing him and telling him no I don’t want to have anything to do with drugs any more and my sobriety and happiness is more important than anyone. That its not about the money or anyone else but myself and I don’t have to do this but I want to do this was a very powerful thing for me to do at the time. It was a good moment for me and I was happy I finished it that way.

I was so close to closure too. I went 90% of the way. Almost all the way to cut him off. I should have .Then of course my people pleasing and my desire to not make people unhappy or think less of me. Even as fucked up as it seems I also cannot get out of my mind that despite his choices that led to his life at this point he was not simply just bad nor more than I was just all bad because I was an addict. That’s what always gets me though and were I get in situations that are a risk to my sobriety. I must protect my sobriety at all costs. I must only have people that only have my best interests in my life. He did not. It was pretty clear when you explained it to me. You’re right he didn’t and he doesn’t and he never will. I cannot even have any contact with him for the simple reason that it is another possibility to relapse . Even if I had never spoken to him again. He shouldn’t be able to reach me. You were right and as soon as I saw it through the way you saw it I snapped out of that foolish way of thinking. You always say that your problem is that you see the potential in people versus the actual. Well I know my problem is I always only choose to see the good in people and if I can’t find it right away i keep looking for it until I do. I haven’t figured that out yet. Maybe its just who I am. I’ve always been optimistic about life and people. But I’m too trusting with people and I given my energy away to people who don’t deserve it and don’t have the best intentions. I am grateful for you in my life. I know you love me and you have the best intentions for me in my life. Please always tell me exactly how you see it and never hold back. I want and I need that in my life. It was an error in judgement, I recognize that now, I could never be his friend, I will never be his friend, and anyone else who comes into my life like that from now on will be cut out and off without any explanation. I don’t need to explain my sobriety to anyone except to those that I love and am accountable to. I am grateful for you and you’re a blessing in my life.

You’re my best friend

Please always be truthful with me

Even when I don’t see it or understand

I will listen

Until I do

I love you

Always and Forever

And A Day

0 notes

deojoon · 6 years

Text

sky blue : 1

cross posted on ao3

part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5

Summary:

(trigger warning) how namjoon came across always and reflection or how namjoon began to love himself with help ! *this fic isn't for everyone, in no way am i romanticizing mental illnesses or what namjoon went through. if you don't like it dont read it thank you.

Notes:

i'm not gonna lie this straight up was the longest and quickest fic ive ever written. all because i was sad. it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to but its something. i kinda cried while writing it only because i sorta relate ? ion know. even though im a shitty writer you gotta start somewhere enjoy !

Chapter 1

: the beginning

I’ve always wondered how he did it. How Namjoon pieced himself back together. Did bts help ? did army help ? did a friend/significant help ? i’ve always noticed something about rm and it’s wasn’t till recently it got better.

It’s was a late night , early 2016, namjoon couldn’t remember the day of the week or date “fuck” he said as he sat in his studio chair looking up at the ceiling. It’s been about 3 days since he locks himself in the studio. This is couple months after his mixtape dropped and when the plagiarism claims had happened. The lowest point of his life.

He checks his phone to see with no surprise to see no new notifications. Namjoon sighed, he stretched his arms and with grogginess, he went back to writing. After even more hours of creativity, Namjoon passes out.

Namjoon woke up to see the time is now 5 am.

He gets up to leave the studio to check on yoongi. No matter what namjoon himself was feeling he thought of everyone else’s well being first. ‘it’s better this way’ he thought.

As he approaches yoongi’s studio he knocks on the door. He hears something crash, he starts to beat on the door calling his name “yoongi please open up”.

After a deep breath yoongi opens up the door breathless “what” he said harshly.

Namjoon walked in already knowing what’s wrong, closed the door and hugged yoongi. “take a deep breath. You’re okay. You’re safe.” Yoongi grabs namjoon tightly

Yoongi was upset, he was mad that he was frustrated with himself, that namjoon knows all too well when he’s mad, that namjoon knows how to make him feel better. Yoongi’s grip eventually loosens. Yoongi’s moves closer to namjoon's neck, just to inhale namjoon’s scent to calm himself. It’s a mix of pine, mint, and cotton candy which is surprisingly addictive.

(Not that yoongi would ever tell anyone that.)

With a now calm yoongi, namjoon asks “what were you doing exactly”

Yoongi still in his neck mumbling “producing. It’s not coming out the way I want it to maybe it’s because i’m not capable of making good music”

Namjoon squeezes yoongi tighter. “yoongi no matter what you’re the most creative person i’ve met. Yoongi don’t pay any mind to this small stump.

“but you don’t understand the pressure”

Once yoongi said that it hurt namjoon’s feelings a bit. Brushing it off namjoon replies “ come one let’s go home you need a break”

Yoongi just sighed and nodded, knowing arguing with namjoon at this point wouldn’t get him anywhere.

They left and went to the dorms. As they walked in seokjin was in the kitchen grabbing food for himself. Like a deer caught in headlights, seokjin jumped and dropped his leftover chicken.

“well there you are yoongi I was looking for you. When you feel better can you fix the bookshelf. Someone broke it” seokjin said glaring at namjoon.

Namjoon sheepishly smiles and rubbed the back of his neck. “sorry”

Yoongi had enough and grumbled “ stop breaking shit i’m tired of fixing it” he stomped away.

Namjoon’s sheepish grin dropped “ i’m going to bed”

As he walked to his shared room with taehyung he began to think about the inconvenience he caused other the members. He sighed and went to bed.

It’s now a Monday on their one month break. While everyone else is out having fun namjoon is stuck inside. its seems like everyone made plans without him yet again. It’s been like this for the last week. No human interaction, so he decided to call jackson to see if he wanted to hang out.

But of course, jackson was busy. Namjoon started to feel antsy. He started to scroll on twitter. Maybe seeing army will make him feel better. Namjoon felt worse after reading comments about how ugly and untalented he is. His mood worsened more and more.

When namjoon heard the door open he knew the rest of the members came back he quickly put his emotions in the back of his head. And walking into the living about to say something only to hear his members making fun of his singing as they listened to the song “adrift”

“he sounds like he’s dying”

“is he gargling a box of nails”

He had enough and went into the bathroom.

He sat down against the wall and stared at himself in the mirror.

‘why am I here’

‘I can’t even write good music without copying someone’

Namjoon shook his head and realized someone was knocking on the bathroom door. He got up and washed his face to see an angry taehyung.

“Finally, do you know how long I was knocking. Get out so I can go in”

Namjoon thought taehyung was concerned for him at first so he smiled but dropped it when he finished.

Namjoon went to his room grabbed his phone, laptop, and wallet and walked out the dorm ignoring everyone’s laughter.

He arrived at his studio locked the door and decided to read on naver thinking the news would make him feel better and distract him. Namjoon ended up reading two articles one about him plagiarizing and the other on how much weight he gained, how fat he is now.

Namjoon was at his breaking point but the one last thing that pushed him over was his parents texting him that they’re on vacation without him.

Namjoon began writing full of tears and sadness.

One morning, I opened my eyes And wished that I was dead I wish someone killed me In this noisy silence I live to understand the world But the world didn’t once understand me, why No, the other half is missing* It’s trying to hurt me I miss me miss me, baby, I miss me miss me baby I wish me I wish me baby Wish I could choose me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

If I ever meet God, I would tell him this That life is coffee that I never ordered I would grab him by the collar and tell him Death is an americano you can’t refill Are you sure that you’re alive Then, let’s prove it somehow When I exhale, there’s breath** On the window, there’s condensation You are dead You are dad, but you are dead Dead dad you don’t listen to me Dad please listen to me

After writing, the group's manager called him to explain the wings photo shoot and due date for the music.

After the long and exhausting meeting, he went back to the dorms to tell everyone the schedule and he got nothing but complaints.

“why couldn’t you pushback the date”

“all ways make things hard for us”

“ya I really don’t appreciate his at all”

“why’d you make our schedule so intense”

Namjoon ran out the dorm slamming the door.

Namjoon goes back into the studio and just stares at the wall, thinking about the stupid voice in his head repeatedly saying he doesn’t matter and wrote reflection.

I know Every life’s a movie We got different stars and stories We got different nights and mornings Our scenarios ain’t just boring I find this movie very amusing Everyday, I want to shoot it well I want to caress myself I want to caress myself

But you know, sometimes I really really hate myself To be honest, quite often, I really hate myself When I really hate myself, I go to Dduksum I just stand there with the familiar darkness

With the people that are smiling And beer, which makes me smile Coming to me softly, Fear, which holds my hand It’s okay because everyone is in twos or threes It’d be nice if I had friends too

The world is just another name for despair My height is just another diameter for the earth I am all of my joy and anxiety It repeats everyday, the love and hate directed to me Hey you, who’s looking over the Han River If we bump into each other while passing, would it be fate? Or maybe we bumped into each other in our past life Maybe we bumped into each other countless times

In the darkness, People look happier than the day Everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be But only I walk without purpose But still, blending in with them is more comfortable Dduksum, which has swallowed up the night Hands me an entirely different world I want to be free I want to be free from freedom Because right now I’m happy but I’m unhappy I’m looking at myself At Dduksum

I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself

Namjoon now lying on his studio floor hear knocking on his door. He ignores it and goes back to sleep.

'why do they even bother with me'

#rm #namjoon #bts #bts angst #namjoon angst

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mr-moustachio · 6 years

Text

A *quick note from my suppressed consciousness.

It has been slowly rising up from my subconscious to my awareness that I am incredibly depressed. I really don't have any outlets for this newfound discovery, so I'm posting on Tumblr where I feel I can say what I want and it will most likely just get lost amongst the memes and posts that people actually want to read.

Pre-req:

A quick recap of my current life: I am 29, have a wife and 2 children. I work at a grocery store as a supervisor making roughly $17/hr. My wife does not work, meaning I bring in 100% of the income. She stays at home raising our boys. But not "our" home, because I can't afford to pay rent and feed my family and supply them with clothes and other necessities. In the state of NV I only qualify for about $65 in foodstamps. So there is this impending and constant struggle for money. The past year I was paying about $1000.00 a month for rent. But I was over drafting every pay check and borrowing money when I got the chance. Shitty. And I cope with the financial struggle with alcohol. I'm not going to consider myself an alcoholic, because if there is liquor around, I don't care. I drink beer. Love it. Can't wait to get off work and have a few beers . Everyday. I'm not at rock bottom but I can see the floor beneath my feet. So I moved my family out of the apt. And into my grandfathers house. He's 92. Love him. My dad also lives here as kind of caregiver. Him and I don't get along. Like, at all, we don't fight. It's more passive aggressive over everything. Literally the smallest stuff.

Marriage/kids:

So I've covered my finances and my stressful living situation with family. Now, my wife is everything to me. I love her with everything I got. But I feel like I can't make her happy. She does so much for us and the household and is mega under appreciated.. And for whatever reason I can't seem to please her emotionally or sexually. I mean, I've become such a "type a" person. Very logical and straight forward. That I don't stop to just enjoy our time together. And with the kids it's like we never have time to be Kyle and Britt. We Are always playing Mom and Dad. We don't really trust anyone to watch our kids. Weird. I know. But when we do have babysitters we can't just let loose. And this is all raking a toll on our marriage and our friendship. I have become so reluctant to do any activities or even play with my kids. I'm distancing myself and I hate myself for it. I see that I am acting just like my mother did towards me. And it fucking pisses me off. I want to be a better father. But I feel so drained after work. I come home and everyone is asleep. I wake up with them in the morning groggy and I make them breakfast and try to spend a bit of time with them before I go to work. But I end up playing video games or sitting on my phone scrolling and scrolling. I pretty much shut out my wife and kids from my consciousness and escape for a bit into the internet. And I know it's detrimental to both my kids perception of me and my marriage. I know my wife is unhappy. I can feel it and see it. And I'm unhappy despite laughing and wearing a smile. And my wife knows it.

Sex-life:

First off. Sometimes I have performed amazing. Like we both finish and are sweaty and everything was perfect. But for the most part. I'm a disappointment. To myself and my partner. Whether it's my wife now, or girlfriends in the past. I struggle with ED, and sometimes I don't finish or most often, I finish far far to soon. The later is the most common now. I'll be super horny, ready to have sex, my wife not so much, okay, I'll warm her up and turn her on. But with living at my grandpa's house who's always home. And having the boys running around or distracted for a short time with TV/electronics. She can't get in the right state of mind. So it's bad for her because she can't let go enough to actually enjoy the 4 minutes I offer of actually sex. And I'm so stressed about being quick or trying to get her excited enough to feel something that I ejaculate to soon, no condoms, only pull out. And literally the second I feel my orgasm, I get overwhelmed with disappointment. And I apologize to my wife. For the lame sex. Was that really great for me and I know it wasnt great for her. But I feel so ashamed about it. That most days when I feel horny I'd rather just rub it out in the bathroom and get it over with. So I don't have to go through that disappointment again. And that alone is one of the most depressing things I've ever admitted.

Flirt:

I'm a flirt, I have this horrible habit of attracting the attention of any woman that will give me the time of day and over flirting just to feel wanted. I never have had girls look my way growing up. My teenage years were spent needing out with video games and music to really have girls chase me or flirt with me. Idk how to act in those situations, and after being married for over 4 years now. And not actually wanting to pursue any other woman, I flirt so hard. I talk to almost all the girls at work like I'm only interested in them and I make them feel special and act like I just want to take them to the supply closet and make out. Of course that never happens. I just spit horrible game and they giggle or laugh and everyone feels a bit lighter after. But it is such a shitty perception to place on other people. That's not who I am. Im not actually interested in fucking or dating these girls. In fact I don't particularly even care for their wellbeing. I just like the attention and reactions I get. Twisted. I do however stare and gawk at pretty girls that I don't know like a fucking wolf in the old cartoons. I just feel so sexually deprived that I want to fuck everything. But when presented the opportunity to legit have 1 night stands. I freeze up and bail, because not only is adultery a shitty thing to do but I would just be a major disappointment to that girl and to myself. That is what keeps me loyal to my wife, the fact that I don't offer great sex. I can talk game and get a girl interested but the rest is just filled with to much anxiety.

So after all these things happening on the regular, I drown out my sorrow with beer and video games and flirting, I also love porn, would watch everyday can't get enough. 4 vices I didn't even know I had acquired.

The scary thing is that I spend so much time numbing and neutralizing my depression and anxiety that I don't known who I am as a human. Like, looking back I can see all these characters I played. All these roles I filled to have friends. And now instead of friends, it's coworkers and my family. Am I a good or bad father or am I just pretending to be. Do I actually enjoy things or is it fake emotion. I can't tell what is real feeling and what is forced. I just look forward to the next beer or video game etc... #whoami

End rant. Thank you Internet.

*not actually quick.

#Whoami

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iesharael-blog · 5 years

Text

1/5/19 Happy New Year

ok im gonna be honest... I dont remember the past 5 days other than i’m sick and can barely breath and i mad the mistake of going to the movies with some friends. i wanted to see mary poppins again so me and 4 friends were gonna go, well after we already planned that, one made me really uncomfortable when he was drunk messaging me and not accepting that i did not want a relationship with him. even going so far as to say he hates my ex simply cause he got me first. so im gonna call these friends A B C (as well as D and E to explain backstory) and explain who they are with a little key so i can give the story without being revealing of identities and what not.

Me - [fem] myself. I’ve know them for a little over 20 years and they tend to be a complete child and was treated as the child of friends back in high school and cared for as such. highly susceptible to emotional manipulation especially from people they trust

A - [fem] my best friend since 5th grade who i fondly refer to as my mama bear. my amazing protector of both physical and emotional battle grounds. the very person who’s house i ran to when i needed time away from my parents to figure things out before asking for therapy.

B - [male] twat i met my junior year who i started calling dad at some point and has since become completely unstable. very egotistical and leaves arguments if he isn’t winning constantly playing the victim card.

C - [male] guy who i was randomly introduced to through his younger brother adding him to a discord server i run as an attempt to shut down my ex for daring to call the unholy texts that are The Harry Potter Series “mediocre” (i also have his phone number randomly cause i used to know his twin) and has been friends with B for a while even going so far as to have a running joke of them being in a relationship even tho they are both straight.

D - [fem] B’s ex who i refer to as step mama and who tends to be fairly motherly towards me

E - [male] dude i was friends with in highschool and who was good friends with B

My Ex - [male] still on very good terms and he is very caring towards me. he tries to make sure im doing whats best for me and not letting anyone manipulate or harm me

ok that was bigger than i expected but im sick im not thinking straight so this gonna be a bit weird and long... ok heres the story:

so im all like “hey i wanna see Mary Poppins again!” and B and C are like yeah lets go! with B immediately stating how he had planned to see it with B before they broke up, already putting a slight damper on the thing but we got past it. a day or two after i end up with me and B agreeing (timestamp 9:30) to message on discord between 11-12 as well as set up a server for us and his little sis to play on. (the wait was for him watching doctor who with his family) so i shower and puzzle and finally with no word by 11:42 i message him asking for when he thinks he will be on to which i get the message “I don’t know I’m really drunk it’s gonna be a blast “... and now a transcript of what followed next copied word for word (well privacy edits) time stamps (and spelling errors) included:

ME Last Sunday at 11:44 PM

but i guess mary poppins day discusion will wait for tomorow

me and your sister agreed on doing ftb sky adventers

B Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

Btw

Hehe

I shouldn’t say it

ME Last Sunday at 11:45 PM

say it

cant say btw then not say it

dick

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

Well

Uhm

ME Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

yes?

B Last Sunday at 11:46 PM

I’m unhappy with [MY EX]

Because I was maybe going to ask you out

I can say this because I’m drunk

ME Last Sunday at 11:47 PM

omg lol (in the this is a funniy situation way, not laughing at you)

thought you were repulesed by me? yeesh [B] keep your story straight

after all i did like you a bit before i met [MY EX], but hes always nice and youre... drunk nice

so eta for server mister cassanova?

B Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

No I want to be nice to you sober too but for some reason I get scared so I hide behind lies

Idk a while

Tonight

ME Last Sunday at 11:51 PM

you dont have to be scared, im just shocking

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Well if we go to Mary poppins

Even with [C], who I’d like to be there

Maybe a mini date?

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

no.

B Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

Aqwww

ME Last Sunday at 11:52 PM

sorry but i cant date again not yet

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I’m gonna be sad

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

i told you why me and [MY EX] broke up

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

But when I’m sober I’m going to regret most of this

ME Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

its not good for me to be in a relationship rn

B Last Sunday at 11:53 PM

I know

Well

Actually

ME Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

look if things dont work out with [MY EX] once my brain is on the path to fixed then we will see, until then dont wait up for me

B Last Sunday at 11:54 PM

I think you do need to be with at least someone because when you are depressed and thrown out of it you need someone to relate to and talk and make you feel comforted and loved

Time alone isn’t the answer

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

except i have friends for that hon

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Yeah

You dooo

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

you dont need a relationship relationship

i have a [A]

B Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

Well

Is she helping

Are you loved

ME Last Sunday at 11:55 PM

i talk to her about everything mental

i talk to [IRRELEVANT MALE FRIEND] about physical questions

creepy right? well this kept going with me getting more and more uncomfortable and refusing to accept that i dont want a relationship (a quote from B in reference to my ex: “ He might be your daddy, but I’m your daddy” tf? and yes he bolded) to the point that i was just sticking around so hed put a server up for the pack. then a bit before 2 o’clock i say that im gonna get off at 2 cause that when i had planned to, to which he (im not sure if intentionally) manipulated me into staying on till 3 o’clock because he would tell me about a personal thing i was curious about. finally 3 o’clock comes around, we call and i hear the story and once the server is up he tells me hes gonna go play league with some people (note random online people not irl people he supposedly likes) and will be back in 20 mins. i figure what the hay ill wait. 40 mins later he says hes not getting back on... obviously im furious. (screen shot of convo i sent to someone day of to explain without having to retype - im red)

next day comes and im uncomfortable and C ends up buying minecraft so he can play with me on the server, we get in call with a now sober B when he gets on and i confront him about the messages even sharing screens for proof (i learned its best not to 1v1 argue him cause im easy to manipulate) and he claims to not remember it but whenever C is away during the call he says things that sound slightly suggestive. at this point id like to note that i have a full recording of me scrolling through the messages as an unlisted video on my youtube channel and have sent it to people who with no prior suggestion have described it as “rapey” and warned me against him. my ex in particular warned me that i am very susceptible to an abusive relationship rn due to my mental state and that he seemed very unstable. at this i decided to invite A to go to mary poppins too since she would be a good protector of me should anything happen and to have a more familiar presence there.

now here is the juicy part. so D was talking to C where C was complaining how clingy B was becoming and how creepy he was being towards me so she quickly messages me on snap warning me that he is a ‘manipulative possessive jerk who will see me as nothing but an object to conquer and get mad when you are unhappy’ after hearing this i rembered B’s story about D cheating on him with E before D and E got together and started to wonder how true that was. me and D had a lovely conversation following that about my singular past relationship and her current one and blah blah blah.

MOVIE DAY: (C canceled the night before so now it is just me B and A going) we get picked up by A and all seems well with everyone being friendly and B seeming kinda cautious. i think hes regretting the convo so i decide to be nice. the movie was great and we decide to hang in the mall after (i made a build a bear). so while we were hanging at one point he scared me when after he provoked me into my light face wacks (cat play pretty much, wouldnt damage the most fragile ice) he grabs my hand to stop me and me thinking “oooo game fun!” i start to dig my nail into his hand to get let go of but instead of him reacting how i expected (letting go so i can escape) he looks at me with the scariest most serious face ive ever seen and (this part still scares me) says “you dont want to go down this path” he finally lets go and i go sit by the hot topic earing displays while A and B look at buttons then when B sits next to me while A waits to pay he basically called my claw abuse. (like what? you grab my hand hard enough that it hurt when i was doing the same playful banter weve done for years and apparently im the abuser cause i do my standard get away strategy of hurting the hand thats holding me? what did you expect me to do? just comply and calmly stand there with my hand held above y head in yours?) after we leave hottopic we are in the car and somehow we get to the topic of the drunk conversation.

so im talking and trying to explain how uncomfortable he made me( and how i was afraid to be alone around him and how i had been scared remembering that he not only knows where i live but where the spare key is!!!!) and i dare use the word “rapey” ... lets see if i can get a definition for yall but first ill say how i use that word - “rapey. an adjective to describe a situation in which one party becomes uncomfortable and afraid to the point that they feel if this continues they could be raped or otherwise hurt/abused in the future” - and now the second definition from urban dictionary: “Rapey A guy who's creepy, and hugs or kisses inappropriately. He has a rapist lure. You don't think he would do it but definitely gives off that vibe. i.e. creepy hugger at the office.” - now i apparently made a huge error in daring to use that word to describe the conversation where he would not accept me saying no to a relationship (and at one point asked me my ex’s dick size - which i did not give) and continously stated how using words liek that could end up getting him in jail. A and i look at eachother incredulously and try to argue with him a bit but ultimately decide to just get back to the point and bring it back to how uncomfortable i was and how he needs to change his attitude and appologize but he keeps bringing it back to that word. fianlly im close to tears and mutely hugging my yoshi in the front seat and the whole car goes silent. A offers that i sleep over tonight which i decline knowing im sick and need my bed and we talk a bit about my ex and goign out for ramen with him sometime. once i was home i removed B from discord snap and steam and will remove him next time im on league as well. he was removed from my server and i left any i had in common with him. i am done trying to forgive him.

on a brighter note i got sims 4 cause C bought it for me since i couldn't refund his ticket i prepaid for and im learning how to get better from this stupid dry throat. hopefully ill be better by Tuesday so i can go back to work at the library!

thanks for reading! <3

i know this was a long one and probably makes half sense cause of the code letters and the fact that i am writing this while very light headed <3

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min9yusnovia · 7 years

Text

Lost || Oneshot

Genre: Angst—> Fluff

Wonwoo x reader

You regret your actions towards those you have lost.

He walked down the streets of Seoul late at night, he took in his surroundings or at least what he could see past his mask and cap. He saw couples, a lot of them, some of them with their children, some of them holding each other tight with smiles on their face. He remembered how good you were with children, his heart ached but he couldn’t help but feel joy at the memory of you. He was unhappy seeing the couples they reminded him too much of his better, happier self. He was supposed to be happy. He should be happy, was what they told him. He had it all the fame, money and the adoration of thousands of people. What more could he possibly want? But it wasn’t like that for him, he wasn’t one to prefer material things over those he cared for.

He couldn’t be happy because he didn’t have you anymore.

Don’t dwell on your past was what they told him when he would relapse to his saddened state; and hear your voice call out his name or your figure in the morning sunrise. Or when your favorite song would play as he listened to music. Too much reminded him of you, especially during his walk tonight. He couldn’t handle it tonight, he promised himself he would keep his composure. They usually never let him go out at night by himself because that’s when he would feel you the most. And tonight of all nights it was especially difficult for the twelve boys to be convinced to let him go, but they understood he might need some alone time when they saw the redness and dark circles under his eyes; so they let him. He scrolled through his phone looking at pictures of you, pictures that he couldn’t bring himself to delete even if he had told the boys he did because he had to erase every trace of you.

He couldn’t forget you. No matter how much he told others he did, because in all honesty he wasn’t trying to forget you. He was trying to cling onto the memory of you. It was sad really. He had always been quiet and he often kept to himself but it never was to this extent, he was a lively person and his laugh was music to people’s ears. But it was all gone, any trace of the happy person he once was. When you left so did his happiness, his emotions, any ability he had to keep from being quiet. He stopped reading too. He hadn’t touched a single book in three months, he couldn’t bring himself to do so and escape to a made up world because that world wouldn’t be filled with you.

He continued walking, one hand in his long pea coat that kept his body somewhat warm and one hand on his phone. He walked through the busy streets of Hongdae, one of your favorite places to go in Seoul, as he readjusted the glasses that sat on the bridge of his nose so he could focus on where he was going. He smiled as he saw what he was looking for and where he was heading to, it was a favorite coffee shop of yours. He looked into the window of the cafe and the owner smiled at him. She felt saddened for the heartbroken boy so she’d give him a free coffee here and there. He didn’t really understand why you loved that cafe as much as you did since there were so many littered around the city. He didn’t care much for the place before but he learned to adore that place after you left, he found himself heading in there quite often to fill his emptiness with anything that reminded him of you, you who was miles away. The bell on the door of the cafe rang as he entered, he sat at the same back table you always dragged him to sit at. He placed his phone down and took off his coat and glasses, so he could go and order but before he could get up the owner placed two cups and a small red velvet cake at the end of the table.

He smiled up at the older women, she reminded him of his mother, “Thank you ma'am, how much do I owe you? Please let me pay this time around.”

“Nonsense son, you’ve been coming here whenever you can for the past three months. It’s on the house.” She smiled warmly at the boy who seemed to be on the verge of falling apart any minute.

“Thank you.” He said bowing his head slightly. It was scary to see him like that, the once joy filled boy whose smile could light up the world(as you’d like to say), no longer smile because he lost his world.

Three months. It had been three months since he lost you and it was all his fault because he let you. Three months since he heard your voice or saw your soft complexion that made his heart skip a beat. He let you go and he was in a pit of despair, all fraile and weak. Heartbroken would be an understatement, he was nothing without you, he didn’t want to live without you. He didn’t want this feeling, he thought he would’ve felt less alone than he did when he was with you but he was wrong. Yet here he was three months after it all ended feeling completely destroyed and lost beyond compare.

You? You were fine he assumed. You didn’t say much when it was done you stayed quiet, nodded your head, collected your things and left. It was odd because you were so heartbroken you wanted to yell, you wanted to scream, you wanted to sob uncontrollably; but you couldn’t. You were always strong in your emotions when it came time to show them, but this time around there was nothing but silence. You left god knows where; he texted, he called trying to tell you he took back what he told you that rainy night. But you didn’t pick up, you never saw any of his messages: you didn’t want to. You left them untouched as you tried to forget. Tried to forget how he broke your heart when he promised he would never.

You thought you wouldn’t return but here you were, back in Korea after three months at home, trying to heal and find yourself after being so lost. It wasn’t until tonight that you opened all those voicemails and texts from him and from the twelve boys; telling you to come back, that it was all a mistake. You recall the even Mingyu, who wasn’t that close to you because he was jealous over all the attention his best friend was giving you, found himself standing at your door a couple of days after it happened begging you to come back. He’d call you constantly, desperately because Wonwoo was so screwed up, he had lost any sense of being.

Y/N I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking… I thought I was doing it for you, but god am I wrecked… Im sorry. I can’t live without you… Pick up the phone Y/N… Why won’t you open the door? I’m ringing your doorbell… Why are there stacks of newspapers on your front porch? Where did you go? Don’t leave me… It’s been a month Y/N. I take that shit back, I’d rather us not see each other everyday but be together than be nothing at all… Y/N please… Two months today, the boys are worried they want you to come back too, come back to me… Y/N I’m heading to your favorite coffee shop again, the owner keeps asking about you. She named a drink after you, you know. She says your the brightest person she’s met. She’s not wrong… Please Y/N I’m lost without you… I don’t want this feeling. Where are you? Come back baby… I’ll be waiting for you, whenever you decide, the back right corner like always…

You went through voicemail after voicemail, text after text. You heard over two months worth of calls and read over hundreds of texts. You were completely shattered, why did he have to do this? He was supposed to be fine, you were the wrecked one. But he wasn’t fine and neither were you. He hurt you and made your heart ache. He had told you it’d be best if you two ended it and went your separate ways in order to find yourselves, but you couldn’t. It was just worse you didn’t know what to do but miss him more and more, more than you missed him when you wouldn’t see each other for months on end because he’d be touring in japan or some other country. You couldn’t live without each other, so tonight after three months of pain and loneliness you found yourself in the same busy streets of Hongdae. You were thinner and you had lost the glow you carried instead a dullness surrounded your form. A thick jacket was draped over your frame and a mask covered your red nose in the cold.

You had walked towards your favorite coffee shop, the same coffee shop that you had walked past three times already, you were hesitant as to whether or not you should enter. You were afraid that’s he would be in there; you were scared that the boy you loved deeply, was completely destroyed by you. But you were also scared he wasn’t and you’d find yourself quite disappointed and saddened because a big part of you wanted to believe that he wouldn’t forget about you and move on.

“He’ll be in there Y/N. Trust me, he left by himself tonight because when he’s with us he doesn’t go in there to keep up with the ‘I’m fine’ facade. But Seungcheol has seen him in there multiple times when he goes to buy chicken for all of us and he takes longer than usual.”

His best friends voice rang in the back of your head. You swept the strand of hair that was sticking to your forehead aside and mustered all the courage you could to go in. The bell on the door rang as you walked in and the familiar scent of coffee hit you suddenly. You looked around, taking in your surroundings, until your eyes wandered to the boy with the black cap that sat at your table. He was fiddling with the mug in his hands and you couldn’t help to notice a mug in front of him and your favorite pastry beside him. You decided to walk toward the boy as an indescribable amount of emotions and thoughts flooded your head.

When he noticed a figure walk closer to where he was sitting he finally decided to look up. He figured it was his mind playing games with him when he first saw you so he didn’t have much of a reaction. It wasn’t until he heard his name escape your lips did he believe you weren’t an allusion. He reached out to touch your arm, you were here after three months. He stood up, the chair he sat at scraping on the floor as he pushed himself off rapidly, and engulfed you in his arms.

“Y/N…” you heard his voice crack. “I know…I know.” You replied. He took you all in, your scent filled his nose and he was in a euphoric state. Tears slid down your cheek as you felt the warmness of his body, you were home. “I’m sorry. I regret it all since that day.” “Wonwoo…” you began sobbing quietly as he rubbed circles on your back.

“I was so lost without you, I’ve missed you Wonwoo.” “I never want to lose you again, Y/N. I can’t live without you.”

So you two stood there in each others arms after months of being lost, you were both finally found.

Authors Note: Something i wrote on the quicks, hope you enjoyed it. Btw make sure to send in your requests!

#seventeen #seventeen scenarios #pledis seventeen #seventeen imagines #seventeen pledis #wonwoo #wonwooscenarios #jeon wonwoo #jeon wonwoo scenario #wonwoo seventeen #wonwoo svt #pledis 17 #pledis svt #pledis wonwoo #wonwoo imagines #wonwoo angst #wonwoo fluff #wonwoo smut #vernonscenarios

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bootisimo · 7 years

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ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!!

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen)

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way.

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all

#personal #really fucking personal #also very voluminous personal jfc #i just spent 40min typing this instead of doing math homework #nice

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