#idk . this seems a little too catholic-guilt-y for my jewish ass but you know how it is !

[tirzahstears]

god could tell me that i’ve been good, i’ve been so very good, i've been an angel on earth. god could tell me i was light itself and i would spit in his fucking face if it would make you want me.

i don’t deserve you. i’ve never had friends. i’ve never had this. i’ve never been good. i should fold up my blood soaked hands and pray to deserve this. to deserve just a little bit of this. i should take the dirt and the blood filling my mouth as a gift, swallow it down like dry gravel, swallow it down like the tequila and grapefruit soda that i drank in your bedroom so you’d think that i was cool. swallow it down like a punch to the face, thank god for letting me be touched in the first place.

i should bleed for you. i should bleed for you. i should be good. i should deserve you. i should leave. tell everyone what you did, what you said to me. i should bleed out on my knees and ask for forgiveness. please forgive me for existing. please forgive me for being alive. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. these hands could do better. they will keep doing worse.

#leaving two toxic friendships of 8 and 6 years respectively 🥰 i am not coping #idk . this seems a little too catholic-guilt-y for my jewish ass but you know how it is ! #tw blood #poetry #words #spilled ink #my writing #on loneliness #on religion #on forgiveness #on grief #on loss #tw alcohol mention