#id say im sorry but genuinely i am not

[of-solitude-past-and-present]

YOUR WRITING>>>>>

I don't know how you came up with Naga Scaramouche but I've been brain rotting for days now 😩

Do you have any ideas how'd he'd react if someone goes out of their way to look for reader after they disappeared?

Especially if they mightve been a love interest at some point or the person clearly has feelings for them 👀

(referring to this)

A friend of mine actually came up with the idea for naga scara!! Together, we fleshed out the plot. It wasn't originally a fic, though, it was just a rp that got me brainrotting afterwards. I couldn't stop thinking about the whole concept until I finished writing Hidden in the Sands. The fic literally wouldn't leave me alone unless I was working on it LMAO

I'm going to take this as an excuse to talk a bit about the behind the scenes here (you have NO idea how much I've wanted to infodump about this fic)–originally, the reader was actually my friend's interpretation of Lumine and Sanad was originally my Alhaitham. I also played the part of Kuni himself. It was a bit awkward, actually, because Alhaitham and Kuni had to talk to each other a little bit and it felt like I was talking to myself.

I've changed the personalities of the reader and Sanad greatly, as you might have already guessed, since Sanad behaves nothing like Alhaitham; Sanad's more like one of those "prime examples" that Alhaitham talks about when he says, "Book learning alone is not enough to cultivate intelligence." Sanad is, intentionally, a very flawed but still reasonably likeable character. I want to talk about him too. Oh boy, looking back on this I sure did talk a lot about an OC I don't think anyone genuinely cares about.

I wanted to make him come off as normal, like an actual human person. He really is just a regular dude, he's just been kinda brainwashed by the Akademiya, as shown by the lines, "The Akademiya has declared them to be just baseless nonsense, so of course I don't think they actually exist." and "Desert dwellers tend to be... fearless." He's absorbed many commonly held beliefs (and biases) in the Akademiya, a textbook example of someone who's been taught what to think rather than how to think. I wanted him to be realistic. However, he's still funny, charming, and overall good-willed, even if he's spineless and very easily led.

I've greatly changed the fic from the original rp, and only the base premise (yandere!naga!scara and the whole "commissioned to find the culprit for some strange murders in the Hadramaveth") remains the same. It went through several versions at first. In fact, before I came up with Sanad, I was going to have Cyno replace Alhaitham! But ultimately, I realized Cyno was actually competent and I might have had to write a proper fight scene, which I did not want to do. You can still see a remnant of the first draft I chose to leave in (from when Cyno was the disposable companion) in the bad joke Sanad tells at the beginning of the story.

Using Sanad also had other benefits that I feel helped pull the fic together!! His cowardly nature gave reader a chance to endear themselves to Kunikuzushi, for refusing to abandon Sanad even after he (frankly, understandably) ran away. Even this early on, I had decided that whatever backstory naga Kuni might have had, it absolutely had to revolve around betrayal since canon Kuni's backstory is so deeply tied to it.

It's a really minor pet peeve of mine, and it doesn't bother me too much, but I usually don't really like it when the yandere starts to fixate on the object of their obsession for no reason than, like, "love at first sight" or "they simply caught my eye for some vague reason I cannot put into words." It's not bad, per se, and it's not even a solid rule of mine! I can think of several fics I love that don't give a solid reason, though the characters in those have such a dynamic that you still understand why one became so interested in the other to begin with... (I'm making this more complicated than it is, I think, but I'm beginning to think it's just I just don't care for it when the MC has the depth of a piece of paper.) Anyway, I'm getting derailed again, but I chose to give Kuni a reason to empathize with the reader in the form of Sanad and his "betrayal" because of this preference of mine.

However, and I think I've touched on this a bit in a previous post, this wasn't the only reason Kuni decided to spare them. In fact, even after he decided to leave you for last, he still thought he was going to come back to kill you. What really interested him was your insistence on saving Sanad even after what Kuni perceived as a betrayal. Why would you try to help someone who didn't even make an attempt to help you? It doesn't make sense. You're too soft, it's endearing.

Whether or not Sanad's actions are justified is debatable, though I personally understand them. He's never fought in his whole life. If you, the experienced monster-fighting adventurer couldn't do it, how could he? He doesn't even have a sword. It's certainly cowardly and rude to say the least, but given the circumstances, I think it's the choice most people would make in that situation. Of course, it's absolutely something Kunikuzushi could have (and did) twist into something completely different. I think I made it pretty obvious, but contrary to what Kuni said, Sanad had no such malicious thoughts when he left you there. Kuni is extremely jaded; his perception of the world has been mostly shaped by the betrayals he's experienced, and he's no different in this AU. As I said before, Sanad's not a terrible person, just terribly average. If he had survived, he absolutely would have had survivors' guilt.

Anyway!!! I'm not sorry about the infodump, thank you for giving me the slightest reason to tell you all about it. Here's what you actually asked for.

Kuni views most people as inconsequential, little more than helpless ants. He doesn't care about them in the slightest. If anything, they irritate him. So when someone shows up–an old friend, a crush, anyone–his first thought is to get rid of them if they venture too far in, and especially if they see him. Even if he doesn't know that they know you. If he lets them go, more will come. If he finds out they're looking for you, specifically... well, it doesn't really change his plans. He's going to kill them no matter what.

It does motivate him though, to be a bit crueler, to make it last a bit longer. What they are to you doesn't change the outcome, but it might sour his mood a bit more if they were anything more than friends or family. It's not likely that he'll leave them be long enough to find this out, though. Logically speaking, they're probably not going to tell a monster like him all about the friend/family/crush they're looking for in this desert, especially not when he's clearly unfriendly.

It's not totally impossible, though. This hypothetical person would have heard all about the strange attacks (as mentioned in the fic), so seeing a large half-snake person could make them realize that Kuni was most likely the cause for your disappearance (even though they'd assume it was murder and not kidnapping). Even so, I doubt they'd have a little chat over tea about who all Kuni has murdered recently.

Anyway, I digress. Assuming he figures it out somehow, whether or not he tells you about them depends on his mood and your behavior. Unfortunately for you, dealing with people irritates him. Especially when they're specifically looking to take what's his from him.

He'll come back covered in blood either way, but if he's in a bad mood, or you haven't been on your best behavior, he'll tell you all about what they looked like. He makes sure to mention that they were looking for you, and describe in detail everything he did to them.

"I'm going to leave his corpse out to rot in the sun," he hissed into your ear, pulling away to look you in the eye, "for the vultures and serpents to feast on. It serves him right. He was on a fool's errand; it's impossible to retrieve what's lost to the sands."

#naga scara #yandere scaramouche #genshin impact #the first part of Kuni's dialogue at the end of the post is actually ripped right from the rp #alhaitham met the same fate as sanad #thank u for letting me infodump about it. it's the neurodivergency #I like sanad a lot despite his many flaws #oh my word i came back tk this and 2/3 of this post isnt even what you were asking for #id say im sorry but genuinely i am not #i really did see ''idk how you came up with naga scara'' and just went ham huh #tumblr messed up my tags LMAO sorry if they didnt make sense before

[pineappical]

it genuinely makes me laugh at how much ted has a grip on my brain its EMBARRASSINGGGG how many drawings i have of him (finished and unfinished) and yet im loving every single second of it

anyhoo how do any of yall feel about another babygirl drawing

#I DONTKNOWW I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAYYYY UAHHH ERMMM..... #i know some of u are probably gripping me to draw something else but SORRY... HAVING A CATEGORY 7 AUTISM EVENT RN..... i genuinely cant #tell you how long this will last LMFAOOO #i joked with a friend (hi mail) about filling a sketchpad with drawings of him that progressively gets ...... hornier each page AND. #ITS STARTING TO SLOWLY BECOME A REALITY JUST IN DIGITAL I AM SO SORRY HJAGKHJAGHJDGHJAGJ #ITS JUST MAKING ME GIGGLEEEE this is so embarrassing but i just had to say it #I KEEP ON SAYING THIS BUT I REALLY DO WANT TO DRAW SOMETHING ELSE but you know....... everytime i open a canvas i go insane #like rn. i dont even know if i can call this a pin up but its..... Fruity...! #<- HOMOSEXUAL #I DONT KNOW. DONT LOOK AT ME. #having a moment and all the girlies on discord are offline so im rattling my cage rn #pn.txt #LIKE YALL RLY FOLLOW ME FOR THESE.....?? HELP!!!!! #ITS JUST SO FUNNY. GOD. ANYWAYS #PRAY TO FUCKIN GOD MY IRLS NEVER CHECKS BACK ON MY BLOG ID SHIT MYSELF IF THEY DO

[beforeyougo-turnthebiglightoff]

wish i was one of those people who could freely send hate comments because some of these swifties are so dense its so embarrassing to even use the same app at them

#this is about swifties who hate matty specifically #like are you thicckkkkk i saw this woman say like #“maddie healy is probably looving all the attention rn he gives Narcissist vibes” ?? r u for real #like thats so embarrassing for you genuinely id have to kms if i posted that in full seriousness and thought it was true #it makes me crinngggge so bad like im so srs when i ask. are you dense. were you dropped as a child #its so blegh like?? #go for his political views but dont you fucking dare start shitting on him for his looks or addiction?? pieces of shit #sorry im really pissed off rn because some of these people need humbling like badly #it makes me like unwll how angry i am #blah blah! #matty healy

[todayisafridaynight]

any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that

if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it

#snap chats #no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game #oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH. #id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k #OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think #my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious #rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final #HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE #i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that #i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki #someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it #like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but #i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital #the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe #cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion. #yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3 #its a real head scratcher ... #a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think #it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little #and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened' #im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways.... #sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly #idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me #THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED #i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell #is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form #i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments #BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow #im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE

[howardhamlinofficial]

Hi Howie! I drew this for you today!!! I hope you like it💙!!!

This is gorgeous!! 🥰💙💙 that sun is quite whimsical!

#(OOC I KNOW I SAID ID STOP BEING OOC BUT THIS IS GENUINELY SO CUTE TY... i am but a shitpost howard blog i will treasure this forever) #(i logged on to like 30+ notifs and got hashtag anxious but this made it sm better youre one of my fav bcs fanartists LMAO) #(i cant say i want to eat it it as howard but i do he looks like a fruit gummy) #(i cant think of a funnier reply in character sorry im just too excited 😭)

[poisonouspastels]

Sometimes I'm reminded that follower counts are really the only thing that can make others care about people

#sorry im still just going through stuff right now #i remember being young once and talking about my suicidal thoughts in servers and how i wanted to kill myself #and i shouldnt have done that obviously. that goes without saying id hope #but i think about how i got banned for 'suicide baiting' and how i was told that i manipulated people over it. when i was 15 #and here i am 6 years later seeing popular people have people flock to them in droves when they hurt #its not a matter of attention. its just something i notice #and its not even about me. its about anyone else too who might need help. who needs someone to reach out to #or vice versa #and i hate that its all just a popularity contest anymore #i really dont want to make this seem like an attention thing because its genuinely not. ANYONE deserves to reach out to their friends #publicly or otherwise #but sometimes it just. really shows how little people care about someone like me. and really hurts. #just because im not one of the big guys

[dullahandyke]

>see person with irish mythology url

>'oh sweet i'll check them out'

>pinned post is collage au fic of the ulster cycle

>'We Are Fundamentally Different People'

#absolutely not slagging off this person. godspeed god bless #however as someone who spiritually believes in a lot of irish myth and old religion (not the catholicism) #i am So Incredibly Fucking Cautious abt like. the way ppl treat pantheons and myths as like. fandoms #and like thats not to say u cant make adaptions of myth! ppl do that all the time! #but u have to be cautious not to be disrespectful yknow? #like keep in mind that these are things that genuine people did and do believe in #and if u like. reduce them to incorrect quotes n stuff without being careful its easy to minimise that #esp w minority religions like jesus x judas stuff is probs weird for the christians but i dont care as much abt them #like i feel so so sorry for like. believers in norse greek and roman myth specifically #because theyve become like. pop culture mythology almost #like if i talked abt my faith and people went 'oh like from marvel/percy jackson' i think id fucking bite them #anyway long story short i wont judge u for writing fic n that for myth bcos u could have been careful writing it #but like fuck if im gonna risk reading it to find that out for myself #practically the only 'modernised' gaelic myth i seek out is stuff regarding the dullahan #and thats bcos most of it either conflates it with the headless horseman as in ichabod crane and bram bones #or treats 'dullahan' as a species and isnt specifically about Gan Ceann himself which is where id have potential problems #am i making sense? #fuck knows

[fullmetal-the-last-alchemist]

googles how to politely tell my academic advisor that i would literally rather just end it all than go back to college for even a single class and if i cant get my grade for this stupid fucking class bumped up by a few points then i am going to fucking lose my mind

#how do i say that w/o sounding like a bitch #'sorry id rather k word myself than take another college class. also why did everyone elses grades get curved except mine.' #been in a deep state of panic for the last 14 hours. had fucking awful dreams bc of it too #i hate college so much i am so fucking full of rage and hate and hate and hate and hate i am going to set my self on fire #if i cant fix this then i genuinely do not fukcing know what im gonna do. i FUCking refuse to spend more money on college #ive tried so hard to work hard and get this stupidass major. are they really gonna do this to me when im like 2 inches from the finish line #i hate college i hate classes i hate doing stupidass homework and stuyding i cant DO IT. i literally just cant #i will not be able to calm down until my emailto my advisor is answered #ruth speaks

[kimmkitsuragi]

no i genuinely dont even know how i (or *anyone* in general) could go without any sleep for 3 days. or sleep 2 hours a day maximum for one whole week. at the end your brain gets so mushy and dead like what even is the point of forcing someone to do that

#i am never ever getting over the horrors of arch degree ever no #and when we say plsss cant we move the deadline 1 day because we have this other big submission the same day #and we literally did not sleep for days pls pls #all we get is 'get used to it' #ok thanks <2 helped a lot really #and btw your motoric skills are SO fucking dead even after 1 day without sleep #I'd be fully walking into walls and tripping over nothing #that shit is insane like. why #also never ever forgetting how i would start to straight up hallucinate after a while like???? and for what???? for a degree!!! #anyway. light trauma dumping sorry guys #🗒 #btw all of this no sleep thing while im working like 20 hours a day. in a day id work 20 hours. and for what??? genuinely for what

[violentdevotion]

I really want to be married someday but I've never been in a romantic relationship of any kind so I can't conceptualise myself as a wife or part of a unit and most of the women in my life have already gotten married by the time they were my age and the topic of marriage is one that comes up a lot but I genuinely can't see myself as anything other than 19 years old.

#ameera speaks #im 20 #like i do really really want to get married but then i think about who i am as a person and i think about my perception of marriage #and the women who are married and they dont connect? #like ive never had to share my space or myself in that way and like inshaAllah i do get married but i genuinely cant see myself as married #maybe i should redownload hinge and get some practice #like ik im playing into this thing if women who are wives and women who are whores or whatever but i cant help that i feel unwifely #like when i think abt being in a relationship its nebulous and its sharing a bed with someone and its someone making me a warm #drink when im sick (probably bc im sick rn) and its saying the words my husband and its having someone to open and honest with but then #its also someone telling me to make them something to eat and not talking to me and complaining about every little thing i do #and i simultaneously feel that as a wife id either be incredibly loving and giving or just cold and absent #and sorry for the hashtag bad femin8sm here but ive never really had any luke proper goals in my life beyond general happiness and love #ive never seen myself doing a specific career or living inna specific house / neighbourhood #but ive always wanted for myself a loving marriage and as times gone on i see this vision of myself happy and in love less and less

[apathyfairy]

my whole life ive been thinking im an old soul bc everyone would tell me i was bc i was “serious” and quiet and shy as a kid and riddled with social anxiety so i was like ok. i must be then. and now im realizing im not lmao like honestly as stupid as it sounds i think that was putting pressure on me to know how to live my life and what to do all the time but now im like oh im new no wonder im afraid of absolutely everything and i cant function and everything disappoints me it’s bc i dont know whats going on. im new in town. and im incorporating that into my belief system now

#yeah im going insane clearly but anyways #in friends when joey is like what was my past life and phoebe was like oh sweetie youre brand new like lmao me #but did anyone else get called serious as a kid and did anyone else take it as an insult like i did like. #i hated absolutely nothing more than people being like oh youre so serious and quiet like i am but also i dont want to be here talking #to you so i have nothing to say. like sorry i wasnt saying every thought i had out loud like every other kid so that made me 'mature' #for my age like honestly that fucked my life up more than anything else was being called mature for my age. it put way too much pressure on #me and i didnt even get to be a kid because everyone expected me to be older than i always was and now that im #so old and approaching death it's just all regret man i have nothing but regret for how ive lived my life #and im so old and i have absolutely nothing figured out i just dont know what the fuck to do #i just didnt think things would be this fucked up or id still be this lost at this point in my life and its disgusting im disgusting #everything is just so fucked up and i hate it like absolutely nothing is right in my life right now i am truly at rock bottom #like i genuinely cannot imagine ever being at a lower point than im at right now and no that's not inspiring like 'oh it cant get any worse' #'if youre at your lowest point it can only get better :)' no thats not how it works #it can get worse i just cant possibly imagine how and nothing is ever going to get better bc i dont know how to get myself out of this #literally im spongebob in rockbottom but the bus is literally never coming like the bus station shut down that's where im at

[jimines]

.

#this is just a little vent/update on some stupid shit going on on here regarding someone i won’t name #but i need to talk about it and vent bc im so frustrated at this whole thing #so i cut a friend off recently.. told them in a *very* heated message how i felt about all the terrible shit they'd said and done recently #and demanded they do not try to contact me anymore and blocked them immediately after #no surprise 5mins later i got two anons from them in my inbox trying to start a fight however i blocked the IP after those two #i even went so far as to disable my webpage for a few days to try and deter them both from sending anons and from stalking my page #and i shouldnt have had to unblock them to tell them for the second time to leave me alone and to stop trying to start things with me #because the last time we argued it was six weeks of emotional damage that i am still really messed up from #after all this it was radio silence - or so i thought #because i've received word now twice that this person has been saying untrue things to friends of friends #trying to start drama and rumours all because i cut them off and they didn't get that fight and that last word they so desperately need ? #i just…why? why why why? why does everything have to become a drama? this is why narcissists scare me.. #it took me over a year to realize thats what they are and that id been manipulated so fucking bad.. which is nothing short of embarassing #the way this anxiety has been weighing on my chest lately and dulling my time here is something that shouldnt be happening #im so so tired of all of it.. the drama and the fights and the rumours.. i physically cannot go through this kind of thing again #idk if anyone is reading this but im sorry for being so absent and unresponsive and (often times) really negative on my blog #its just so hard to be happy and positive and excited when this potential drama is looming over me day after day ya know? #im trying to push through and be here because i genuinely WANT to be here but its so fucking exhausting sometimes im constantly paranoid #i pray things will come to a rest and nothing will explode bc mentally i cannot take it anymore and i wont be sticking around in that case #i refuse to put myself through the emotional trauma that nicole put me through again. i REFUSE. so if i suddenly deactivate this is why. #but i wont be going down alone thats for sure #c.text

[snifferz]

update uhhh if you saw me saying i was tsukasa + pitaya irl please ignore that, ive gotten better on my own and was having a wholeass psychotic episode bc of shit going on at the time.

#needless to say though this whole fucking mandela friendgroup thing has RLLY fucked me up the ass big time mentally #aaand im started to recognise my signs of surveillance delusions again so were on that ride again - mark #starting* #gen though this shit has been RLLY bad for me and it hasnt helped that the ppl involved have made fun of me trying to recover 😻 /aimed #im using this acc to vent a lot now bc i got bullied off my twitter vent acc + dont rlly have a way to get shit out lol #you can unfollow me if you like i cant fucking cope though atm #id like it if ppl were patient with us atm! i still havent gotten over friendship stuff #aaand im p sure our body has taken it as genuine trauma (no adam this is not the green light to make fun of me) #gen i cant get over it + every time i think of this my brain goes back to grooming flashbacks #so its like a loop of 'jonah and adam hurt me' 'that reminds me of dakota and donnie' 'i want to die' 'anyways where was i' #but no i am not doing good atm! so sorry for all the really aggressive posts 😭😭😭 i feel bad abt it

[everythingsinred]

hey im still a ga blog im just feeling a little miserable bc im abt to graduate and im actually not rly happy abt it so im rewatching the office to cope pls dont read too much into it

#i still cant get over being asked if im still into ga #i must be doing smth wrong im so sorry #im a ga blog im always a ga blog ga is my heart and soul #i feel like i need to say this in case someone thinks im over ga or smth. like not even close #i think abt my fics and abt my upcoming nm essay every single day i just cant work on them rn bc i dont have any energy at all #so i watch the office bc it makes me laugh #and bc i love it <3 #thank u for tolerating me i know from experience that it can be taxing to know me #also i danced kolo for a talent show thing instead of going to class so u KNOW im going slowly insane #i am so fckn tired and genuinely miserable #not depressed bc i know itll pass and its just bc of graduation. once that passes ill get over it. im just stressed and unhappy rn #also i realized one of my ocs is like a girl version of dwight so im obsessed w him in a new way #which makes me obsessed w dwangela in a way id never been before #bc usually i fixate on pb&j and yet this time around im OBSESSED w dwangela #dwights my favorite #but im still a ga blog! pls believe me #am i not doing enough to convince ppl of that #little anya things #watch in real time as anya unravels and goes entirely crazy

[barredandromeda]

imsoo normal about guys byw

#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die #fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die #cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh #i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever #this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi #the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare #serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home #everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump #anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms #killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti #save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight #on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work #lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush #cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav #the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms #i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him #sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls #i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim #all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family #noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me #sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep #ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep #post #erics tag #delete later #serenity needs this as a ref in the morning #i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason #shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much #gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb

[volfoss]

like... to get an idea of what all id need to do. for anyone curious ig and also to just... totally beat the allegations of yucky little beast:

survey the damage... bc shes obviously in VERY bad shape. so id need to see if i could even get her eyes out or if id maybe. need to dremel into them to get them free so i could start on faceup removal

get the eyes out. this is very scary bc of the hot glue and also the mysterious gray substance. if it IS apoxie sculpt like i think it is then good god. thats going to be the worst 7 bucks ive ever spent or smth

clean the head. im really hoping that its dirt and not.. the alternative on the forehead and other parts of the face. if it IS some mold or fungus, ive got pony experience here (as in. i have dealt with that a few times on MLP) so I'm not... too worried? My guess is its surface level grime that should go away w the faceup being removed.

attempt to remove the faceup. the paint rly looks like it goes ALL the way around her head (poor thang) so ill probably test with acetone at the back of her head. for whatever reason i feel very much like her head has to be fragile so id rather test the more strong/easy to use chemical in a lesser seen spot. i really do not want to be scrubbing with rubbing alcohol for 5 years. bc the faceup looks like at LEAST a few layers of paint with a bad sealant so (as someone whos removed two full body resin paint jobs) i know acetone would be quickest (but alcohol is safest. but we will see)

assess the damage AGAIN. i predict that she is severely yellowed (due to the cracks on the cheek) but the question of if it is either just. in those spots where the faceup cracked or if its all over is really unsure. i mainly want to get her to try retrobrighting (which ive done on older MLP with great success and it seems to be something that works for this kind of vinyl as well) on her and just. fix up a doll that is beyond repair for most people lol. from what ive experienced with resin, i think the yellowing could either be all over (and the head was painted to try and hide this. although this clearly did not go well lol, altho i think its a sealant issue and not a paint issue, as it kind of looks like when ive fucked up with MSC (a common sealant for bjds)) or it could be just... shes been in sunlight and where the paint cracked got unevenly yellowed (i experienced this most recently with my big blue boy, where all the blue paint kind of. protected his resin and the non covered parts got more yellow). so its kind of a toss up. or a mysterious third thing you never know.

once shes all clean (which i assume will take a while due to well... how bad of shape that she is in), ill probably sit with it for a few days and then get milliput and sculpt a new nose. this will not be fun for me i think because I just... am not a sculpting fan (funny thing when this project WILL have a lot of sculpting) and much prefer sanding. I'm not too mad about the chin being sanded down (as the original had an INSANELY pointed chin which I really didn't like. I hate sanding vinyl so this works for me) or the eyes being opened (other than.. having to figure out the size on my own and pray for the best). Most of the mods are not... bad to me and are partially why I'm drawn to miss yucky bc like... the diseases but also the fact that the mods do mostly make the head cuter for me

Redo the faceup. I would love to keep the elements of the original with the big eyelashes as I find them cute, but the BIGGEST order of business is eyebrows good god. I'll have to paint over the mod that I did but I'm not super worried about it (maybe falsely I've never painted a vinyl head in full bc I have exactly one vinyl doll) and then hope i can get the head right on the first try. depending on how bad the yellowing is (and if im able to retrobright her to a lighter skin tone, as the body i have is pretty light (altho it doesnt match any skins from this company so. its a whole thing its ok)) i might just paint the whole head (or even come up with a story or reason why its mismatched. I have a lot of heads and bodies like that so I don't mind fully lol). It's just kind of a scary tossup on how bad of shape everything is.

Done <3 i really dont think itll be TOO bad but i also like... think i wont know fully until i get my hands on her if i do. She would be pretty tiny too (as in 45 cm or so, or for the americans, 1.5 ft) but I do love that scale of doll so. it could work.

#twist rambles #bjd posting #im truly thinking abt it bc minus the eyes i do rly have all the parts id need for her?? and i feel bad for her so. #talking myself into horrific purchases IS my passion but I genuinely feel so charmed by her... like i just... its the same as w old ponies #where i go oh. i can fix you so easy and make u feel loved. and so i do. and this is the same case to me... im not super experienced w viny #dolls but i spent a few years in that side of the hobby so ik a bit. im just mainly worried abt the sculpting or... what will be UNDER the #faceup. and trying to size the eyes. and the eyes in general lol #long post #bc it probably is. i love to ramble about my dolls tho... or future scaries. but i think it would be fun and i am in the middle of a few #projects rn so. i might as well. #which reminds me after i finish the horrible thing im reading i need to finish scrubbing my doll... and get superglue on another. i have ha #two boys dismembered bodies on my floor for a few days so. i have to take care of it <- they had to get restrung #also sorry this is probably like... super incoherent for EVERYONE but. i hope you enjoy seeing my justification for a really bad purchase l #lmao. still holding off to see what buyee says on the shipping but... it would be so sillies <- famous last words.