#i'm just kinda over everything right now

[theoppenhomies]

do you ever just feel like changing your music taste or is that just me? or at least switch it up a little?

#i'm just kinda over everything right now #and i'd like to start listening to something new #or at least branch off into something else #we'll see how long this lasts

[marlenacantswim]

hey gang, do we all agree that ten's massive ego and god complex (or rather those traits being especially prominent in his regeneration) were a direct result of what happened in Parting of the Ways?

"marlena what the fuck do you mean" okay well think about it; ninth doctor. fresh off the time war. thinks himself unlovable, unworthy of love. just did a double genocide, including against his own people. he's returning to his old ways of lallygagging around helping humans in a more-than-desperate attempt to repress his feelings and try to mimic the person he was before the war. he's so vulnerable.

enter rose tyler. to him? she's the most amazing person in the universe. he loves her, full stop. she makes him feel like maybe he's still capable of love, but does he really trust her love for him? after all, she doesn't really know him, does she?

all that comes to a head when rose tyler becomes the bad wolf. in that moment, she sees everything. everything everything. the doctor's past, and the doctor's future. every horrible thing they did and will do.

and in that moment, with all this truth streaming constantly into her brain, most amazing person in the universe rose tyler looks at him and goes "i want to save you. you are worth saving."

bro no fucking shit ten has a motherfucking god complex, jesus christ i would too!!!

now personally i think nine would have rationalized it and been relatively Normal 'bout all that noise had he survived onwards, but unfortunately he didn't, and so when the doctor's subconscious and the universe were holding hands deciding what their new little guy should be like... well, we're already making him just for her, and she loves him.

rose tyler loves me. she loved me even when she knew me.

i'm just saying, that "Bad Wolf chose to save me" to "the laws of time are mine to command" pipeline is a straight vertical drop only a few feet long.

#there's also an argument to be made about the time vortex being responsible for his death #and how that might have contributed too #yeah sorry the inpenatrable waves of time lived inside your boyfriend and killed him #yeah and it kinda fucked up his regenerarion #so sorry girl your boyfriend's new life is tainted with the pull of ultimate power over one's domain #this won't actually mean much to you since your boyfriend will split in two #and the one you'll get to keep is too busy having a human brain and being warborn #but this will have horrible consequences for him after he turns six #and will emotionally devastate just about every other person he crosses paths with #but hey that's alright; remember that drunk guy who foretold good tidings on new year's? #yeah that was your boyfriend. he went back to see you as he was dying from the results of his god complex. #he came back to be with the reason he did everything— the reason he was— one last time #okay i'm making myself cry right now i gotta chill #running my mouth #doctor who #nuwho #tenth doctor #10th doctor #ninth doctor #9th doctor #the doctor #rose tyler

[nemesis-is-my-middle-name]

having shrimp emotions abt the end of shb again

#the nemesis speaks #swift plays ff14 #ffxiv spoilers #for the tags i'm sure i'll say something spoiler-y here #anyways AAAHGUGH.... wailing sobbing etc... #the way you fight HADES and not emet-selch at the end... #the way it's a climactic epic clash and a battle over the right to history #but it's ALSO the two of you kicking and screaming against an end that seems inevitable #his facade falling away piece by piece bc it's been so long and he's so tired and WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO MUCH #AND WHY WON'T YOU JUST LET HIM WIN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE- #and he's so ANGRY at you for daring to 1) exist and 2) not side with him #the fact that he was friends with azem AND venat and they're both dead or functionally dead now #and you are alive and you carry their legacy and you DARE to keep defying him. (THEY keep defying him.) #it's best for everyone. he wants them back. why won't they let him fix it. #he's ssooooooo. #and then ardbert i could write a whole second fucking tag essay about HIM. everything to me. #anyway. i cannot in good conscience tell anyone to play shb bc you have to slog through a lot of ''just okay'' mmo content to get there #and also it spensive kinda #but WAUGH i wish ppl saw my VISION

[an-eldritch-peredhel]

#dang it do i have a new oc now

Sounds like!! I'd love to hear more if you've got it!

(referring to my tags on this post)

You will meet a stranger, sometimes, if you make a habit to frequent taverns, inns, halls for game, or even the one tree where the young Bracegirdle cousins sneak off to play marbles. Well, you will like as not meet many strangers, except in the last case, but this one will be different. Or perhaps you get lucky, and don't frequent such places, but find yourself in one unexpectedly, and meet them regardless.

Everyone in Gondor knows someone who knows someone who met Lady Luck, no one has met her themself. If you do, starry-eyed romantics say, you'll be blessed with good fortune for all your days. The pragmatists tell you you'll be blessed with the good sense to discern a scam.

He may smirk at you after winning a bet, some dark-haired man, using his earnings to buy a round for the bar. It's always a different man, but it always goes to Alwed's tab. It keeps the crowd from getting too rowdy, even if the more superstitious get on edge.

No one remembers meeting them the first time, but dwarves with common sense avoid Audr's shell games and silver-toothed smile- you always win, but it's never worth it.

A woman with greying-gold hair and stiff fingers might call herself Eadrun, and challenge you to a game of dice. Few decline, and far fewer win.

For as few elves remain in Middle Earth, the one who calls himself Herendil and laughs as though his name is a joke should be recognizable. He seems young and lighthearted in a way most have lost, but he will play you cards, win just as much as he loses, and disappear, never recognized.

A hobbit-lass may giggle, red curls gleaming in the sun, and introduce herself as Peony Sandheaver, her family is visiting from Bree, and she wants to see how Shire-hobbits play Jacks.

Sometimes an orc prays over a set of knucklebones, knowing that at least one god will hear one prayer. Orcs have little luck in battle, but uncanny luck with dice.

There are countless stories, just as many true as not. Countless names, far more unnamed figures, always just out of place enough wherever they are to be interesting and promise new tales, never enough to provoke suspicion, not at first.

Even those in the Blessed Realm may find this dark-eyed stranger. Always dark-eyed, like bottles of dark glass. They stop by Aulë's workshop on occasion, to learn and suggest and play new games. They never win the first round, but most have the sense not to bet anything they aren't willing to lose on the second.

Oromë's people call them Umbarnica with a laugh and a toast in welcome. They thrive in the drunken revels after a successful hunt, sharp as ever as they dance from game to game, cackling at ill-advised propositions offered as collateral for or against a bet. Usually this means them winning to avoid it, a frequent enough occurrence as-is, but every now and then they'll decide to let someone get lucky. The bragging rights are the real reward.

And there are no guarantees with this stranger. No way to ensure their favor, though many ways to get their attention, few good. They like irony, take pleasure in hubris reaching its fall. They love superstition, even if they don't always honor it, and they love stories. There are gods that can be mistaken for kind, they are not one of them, created to serve the king the Dark Lord could have been. Their favorites are fickle, their grudges subtle but long-held. They love cheaters, unless they're at the end of the attempt. They will always catch you, and you will always regret it. They slink through candle-shadows and pipe-smoke, grinning, dance in town squares turned to faire grounds, curl up on comfy chairs indoors on rainy days.

But sometimes, in these days, you won't meet a stranger at all. Sometimes your storyteller will get a bright-dark glint in their eyes, and some dice will roll strangely high and some dice will roll strangely low and either way the story will be better for it. And if the next time the group meets you need to take a moment to remind the storyteller exactly what happened last session, well. That's why you take notes.

So pray to the dice-god, card-master, quick-sighted. It might do you no good, but they love superstition, and they love stories. And when you play a dark-eyed stranger, don't cheat at cards.

#ask #cuarthol #umbarnica #my writing #my ocs #they play favorites with the orcs because they feel like they have bad enough luck as is so they throw them some bones #and they like the Narrative of it all #i had fun writing this #they're very amoral not in the sense of being Evil and Bad they just. don't have morals. #they're kinda like a trickster god i think. and they like underdogs but not as much as people think #in my headcanon a lot of powerful maiar were intended to serve melkor before he went all evil but not all of them also went evil #and that leaves a very interesting crack for them to fall through because they just don't really. fit. anywhere #my arien is also a case of this (sibling of the balrogs) #and ultimately the deciding factor in turning evil is mostly if they are able to find support and a purpose with people who care about them #even if they still don't quite fit in #so umbarnica is also a case of this but instead of arien who found her niche by following the formula as closely as possible #(find a vala- take a role under her doing something directly related- oh whoops Fate called so i'm going to be a good maia and do my duty) #(if i don't do everything right i'm going to go insane and then go evil. please for the love of eru let me just do my valar-damned job) #umbarnica went 'yeah you can't tell me what to do. if you try to keep me stuck here in aman i will go insane and then go evil.' #'is that what you want? no? then let me cause nice low level chaos and fun wherever i want and i'll stay out of your hair' #i think they like dnd a lot for the sheer novelty of it #a lot of their domain is gambling or adjacent so to have a game of chance that seeks to tell stories and build community is intriguing #namo is probably the one who has official jurisdiction over them? but mostly in the sense that fate and luck are tied up #he does the bare minimum to make sure they don't get out of hand. neither *likes* this arrangement but they're content with it by now #but yes i'm gonna be calling them umbarnica #is that their name? sure as much as anything can be. #i just thought that 'little doom' would be a really funny euphamism tbh

[running-in-the-dark]

...

#man I really need to shut up #but. #how are you supposed to just keep going and going and going when you constantly have to calculate how tired any activity will make you and #which parts of your body will be in pain snd/or useless for a few days? like if I do x now I won't be able to use my hands for anything for #at least two days. that kinda thing #how am I supposed to work like this. it's been tolerable lately but even like this. I have to sit down for a bit after every. little. task #and often I just wake up in the morning knowing it'll be a bad day for no reason. I have no energy and everything hurts and it's just shit #but I need to find a job. I need to. so I need to get over it. I need to somehow figure out how to sleep at the right time and how to feel #okay enough to do shit when I have to do it #and if you're ever stupid enough to mention any of this around anyone all you get is 'lol just wait until you're my age' or 'you're too #young for that' or just that 🤨 look #all I want is to be normal and to be able to do all the things I'm supposed to do (and be able to do) #I'm not sick. I'm not disabled. there is nothing wrong with me. so why am I like this

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

one thing i was not at all prepared for about having to go without glasses for a week is how the navigating my environment itself isn't a huge barrier--i have to be really slow and careful and it's annoying, but it hasn't actually stopped me from doing things including in the 'god this is going to be a hassle, i don't even want to start' way--but the major loss/change in sensory input as well as Oh God the HUD is Wrong is apparently a huge depression trigger. replacements cannot happen soon enough

#moogletalks #second half reminds me of when i tried contacts for a few weeks as a teenager and Dear Reader I Hated It #the contact care part aside it felt so SO bad to walk around places that aren't my bed without glasses on my face #and it turns out that feeling is the same whether i can or can't see while i'm wearing them! #i started wearing glasses full-time when i was eight and they're part of my brain and body map now #it used to throw me for a loop a lot when people talk about only wearing theirs part of the time; just because Wait but Your HUD #i thought maybe it was just a 'well i guess they must not need them as [often/heavily] as i to for daily life' #'i wouldn't be so freaked out by the idea of going about my day without mine if i weren't worried about not having them when i need them' #and tbh i think this kinda puts the kibosh on that because my vision *is* shitawful and things *are* more difficult without correction #My Life Would Not Be Unaffected on a Logistical Level #but i feel *considerably* less visceral OH SHIT FUCK THIS DERAILS EVERYTHING about it than many many many other smaller things #it's just kinda oh. well. alright then let's go #in fact i wish i could take a lot more things in stride like this one emotionally lmao #but the lack of the glasses themselves feels exactly as horribly wrong as it did over a decade ago #glasses can come with all sorts of fucking annoying problems and hassles to deal with! #but given the choice of affordable; sturdy; well-fitted glasses with the right prescription etc #i would 100% choose that over unassisted vision #including the increased peripheral vision i'd get from not wearing frames #braintag #adventures in mental illness

[drewsaturday]

you'd think as someone who's knowingly been a lesbian for over 10 years i would've watched more than like, 4 lesbian movies by now, since there were more than a handful to choose from by that point and waaaaaaaaaaay more now.

and part of me thinks i should make it a new years resolution to watch more sapphic movies to experience the culture tm and feel those feelings.

but i also want to just go rewatch loving annabelle and call it a day.

#txt #like obviously representation was very important to me! and it still is! #but i think bc my baby gay journey began right when we started getting this explosion of rep... #rep almost got tainted for me bc i was on tumblr and it was this whole thing about You Need To Watch This Or You're Homophobic #or nitpicking everything slightly wrong with problematic representation etc and it became more of a chore #i appreciate representation i don't expect most i think. like k0rrasami happening? #instead of getting dragged into the show with the promise of rep it just... unfolded in something i was already interested in #i think representation has sorta unfolded in weird ways as well over the years since it's now profitable to queerbait and that #impacts how enjoyable/well written a thing is - see: why i love 90's subtext most bc of the authenticity of it #and i like to think maybe movies aren't as impacted by that when the focus is actually queer shit vs. shows needing to pull #people in for the long-term but idk. it's genuinely not something i've seen enough queer films to have a good idea of j;lksdkfj #i just want like. fun plots that happen to be gay and i think that desire kinda extinguishes the need to consume every piece #of queer media in existence even though i did very much have that pull at the start naturally #but of course. tumblr kinda ruined that for me at the time so now i'm 10 years in the future chilling surrounded by queer people #not having that sense of feeling alone and needing More #and i think it could be healing to check out those films (as Choice as they may be) but it's not a Need if that makes sense #ohhh and while i do get a hit of meaning from seeing any kind of lesbian rep bc the normalization etc #i just don't rly feel Seen in non age gap stuff? so that limits the amt of films that check all the boxes for me as opposed to #just being a 'normal' lesbian and most films automatically being a full course meal for u #so it almost feels like too much effort aj;lksldkjf #anyway. im grateful we're here now and we have so much i just have a complicated relationship with it all #and i wanna be able to just turn that off and try checking out lesbian films now that we do have so much #bc although i don't Need it necessarily it would be nice to actually explore now that i've ditched some of the toxic tumblr mindsets #(which also i now remember included being called problematic for watching the understandably problematic rep that came years before #which probs also explains why i stayed away so long from the old AND i was too poor/ill to go to theatres for the new) #so uhhh recs welcome? regardless of if there's age gaps or not lmao aj;klsdf #specifically for films not tv shows. ive fought that fight too long.

[welcometogrouchland]

I'm on hiatus from thinking for the next while. Discursive and analytical fandom practices I love you so so much you are in everything I do, including the silliest of headcanons and comics but FUCK I am not equipped to think about. Anything right now

#ramblings of a lunatic #tbh my art muscles are exhausted too so i think I'm just gonna. be a bottom feeder for a little while. #like a deep sea creature letting plankton drift into it's mouth on the ocean floor yknow #hard to do when half your dash is about stuff u are not a part of and the other half is abt the fandom that's in hiatus #and approaching it's finale (and the end of a show should NOT be the end of a fandom it should NOT but. i know how these things play out) #and i can't just rewatch the episodes bc I've literally seen them too many times now #and watching them is like. oh hey episode! blink. it's over #bc everything is MEMORIZED AT THIS POINT #the obvious answer would be to go watch something else rn but i keep TRYING AND IT'S NOT WORKING. I ONLY WANT THE SPRINTEREST RN #but i also don't if that makes sense. i want the spinterest to be new but also comforting and different but also the same #aka i want a new episode to release bc i dislike the quiet fandom during hiatus BUT i don't want it to air bc then the show is over #so I'm just kinda. sitting here. frustrated #sitting on all my art and text posts bc I'm in a funk rn and none of them feel Right™ #bc (CIRCLING BACK AROUND TO THE ACTUAL BODY OF THIS POST) they're all my usual hc/analytical fair #but i like to always have a good sense of character when i make those but those require REWATCHES FOR ME and i CAN'T REWATCH #BC OF ALL THE ABOVE THINGS I MENTIONED #oh man. i feel a bit better writing it down though. getting it out there somewhere in a semi-articulate way #I'm not done with my current hyperfixation- far from it depending on how the show ends- I'm just pre-bummed about the finale #and how it's gonna impact the fan environment that normally supplements my own fan activities like rewatches fanart etc #ohhhh my god that felt good to explain #it's to no one in particular but it felt good. this talking about your feelings shit actually works man #anyway please pray for me that i go to sleep some time tonight bc i slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day #after staying up the previous night #and i do not wanna throw my sleep schedule too far outta wack #(i think..i need to watch more movies? less commitment than series but distract me for a good bit. send reqs ig!)

[kulvefaggoth]

I'm excited for fanfest and the next xpac announcement but have become slightly afraid of 7.0 since i was talking with a friend the other day and we reached the conclusion FFXIV is at a very similar point point to where WoW was before Cataclysm 🫠🫠🫠🫠

#the plot is kinda over #we're doing a filler arc right now #the game feels like it's almost in maintenance mode #if they announce a 'we're remaking eorzea again' expansion idk man #i love this world and i love my blorbos from it #but i don't think the direction they've taken for 6.X was good and i'm afraid it's just gonna keep going like this #i'll probably be there for 7.0 #but will i be there for 7.x? that's the real question #i know i'm speaking from a long time player's point of view but content has been reeeally sparse #only things left for me to do are ultimates (which i might) or inane crazy grinds like farming everything at eureka #and tbh at this point it really feels like my time in this game is done #love etherys #love this universe #but idk how much longer i'll keep going with the game itself

[tastyflowers]

waugh

#having a lot of big feelings about relationship dynamics atm #kinda realising that my idea of an ideal relationship has changed quite a bit #the concept of non-monogamy now has a big question mark over it for me #after a decade of fighting to be polyamorous it's just feeling less and less like it's the right fit #like honestly if i could wave a magic wand right now i'd live in the country with a wife and some animals #i'm just really craving stability and security i guess #everything in my life is feeling very turbulent! all my connections feel difficult in some way! #it has been a really big few months in terms of learning what i want from life which is obviously a good thing #however it is really hard when there's a huge disconnect between what i want and what i have #and feeling a huge lack of energy/resources to make the changes i need #anyway does anyone want to hug me please #moss.txt

[psalmsofpsychosis]

I'm actually a super duper predictable and consistent person if you look at me from the right angle: basically my whole drive in life is to explore and discover things and people that noone else dares to explore, i live to bring in whatever is excluded and overlooked and kept off the table. Like, my whole entire head is so oriented towards inclusion that i'm always focused on what is [intentionally or unintentionally] left outside the door of a situation and i'll bring it in. I really have no interest in what is already integrated into a context and accounted for, well worn roads and well practised performances bore me to death. So like, the most consistent thing about me is however a scenario is and whatever way the people are behaving, i'm on the opposite side of it, often introducing supposed "conflict" by being a devil's advocate and a contrarian. What is already known and accepted cannot be really explored, it's already overdone, so i'm going down the road everyone drives past and avoids. Attending a funeral? you're gonna find me joking and laughing, not because i necessarily feel happy, but because it's a question noone asks and i love to explore, "are we accounting for the joys of humanity too?" and if there's a flood of performative positivity i'm gonna bring in gloom, it's almost an involuntary reflex. I need all contexts to be complex and inclusive, so i naturally work in the opposite team. It doesn't really mean that i'm with the team, it just means that i need the context to be diverse. I have zero appreciation for any kind homogenised, streamlined and scripted kind of existence.

Where this puts me in regards to parties is, ho boy i'm fun at parties, almost always guaranteed to be dragged into a fight that i did not intend to be in. But also it feels very, very lonely. 98.99% of people have no appreciation for discovery and exploring the mysteries of the world, and even if they eventually end up loving what you brought to the table, they dont love you for introducing something new and unfamiliar into their life, they find it threatening and uncomfortable.

#and honestly #i very very much miss being around people who appreciate me for what i find and bring back to the world of the living #but this post is particularly brought to you by me catching myself at a 3am #mauling over why i'm vehemently hunting for positivity and advocating for hope right now #even though i'm not particularly a positive person #in fact i'm not a negative person neither #i'm an extremely ''brings balance to a context by introducing the opposite of it'' kinda person #and right now we're in peak nihilism and cynicism culture #a pervasive undercurrent of meaninglessness and superficiality and shallow performative gore to everything #and i'm all about the empty spaces; what is absent from the context #so of course i'm looking for meaning and depth and intricate complex nuanced experiences #and the soft tenderness of life #and people around me are like ''oh so those are your values :) '' and they're not #i dont work with values i work with negative spaces and What Is Not Included #and i can switch teams very easily #by the simple fact that i'm a contrarian. Like the moment i feel clocked i start to get itchy #because i dont care for this or that; whatever is predominantly enforced i'm on the opposite side of it #i'm really just here for diversity and complexity ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[emotionalcadaver]

You guys. So my mom just tore into me because I decided not to go on this daytrip thing that my parents have planned to do tomorrow. Even though she literally told me that I didn’t have to go if I didn’t want to. Ma’am!? You literally offered that I didn’t have to go. Don’t offer that if you weren’t actually okay with it. This is why I am almost incapable of saying no to people. Because for my whole life I’ve been taught that even if someone says it’s okay if I say no, it’s actually not and I get punished for it. I just wanted a day to myself to rest and recharge especially since the rest of the week is going to be INSANITY.  

And then, when I tried to tell her that I’m feeling really anxious because my throat’s been sore most of the day, not only does she fully dismiss that I might be sick, but she threatened to cut off my therapy because it “doesn’t seem like you’re making any progress.” So now I have that to worry about.

I’m just so done with both of my parents at this point and I’m starting to realize that maybe the best thing for me actually would be to get as far away from them as possible after graduation.  

#if i actually am sick i guess i'm just gonna have to try to hide it #and pretend like everything is fine #i'm so tired of this same song and dance over and over again of these two acting all supportive of me and my mental health #up to the point that it's inconvenient for them and then they throw a fit #my mom literally told me today that she doesn't understand me at all #bitch stfu you've never even tried #and then she yelled at me because my writing 'seems to be the only important thing to you' #WOW I WONDER WHY #totally has nothing to do with living in a hostile anxiety inducing environment #ugh i'm so sorry i'm just really angry right now #like earlier i was just kinda sad and anxious but now i'm PISSED #laur babbles #laur's traveling woes #gonna put all my complaining during the duration of this trip under that tag in case anyone doesn't want to read them

[keeps-ache]

ever just stay up two minutes too late and start Writing

#just me hi #i'm going to bed i Sweat #i mean SWEAR but that's kinda funny #ever stay up two minutes too late and the inner sappiness starts seeping out of every part of you #like. i am on the Verge rn #this -><- close #So Close #i wrote a little poem but i have enough brain juice to know future me would strangle present me if i posted it lol #ever stay up two minutes too late and all your problems feel like mist on your skin and the only thing that matters is you can breathe #i should go to sleep :) #but do you ever stay up two minutes too late and just fall head over heels for everything you already love #i could marry the moon right now #i'd fly to jupiter if my brother was there #i'd carve a heart into the ocean floor so you could really be loved from the moon and back #i could have a museum full of everything beautiful and horrid and terribly terribly lovely and i still wouldn't think it was enough #frankly. this is all pretty cool #like super duper neat! #okay. future me is definitely going to evaporate tomorrow but i'm not going to touch this post #promise :)) #okay. good night! going to bed now -U- au revoir mon petit bocal de seigle

[jewishvitya]

A pro-Palestine Jew on tiktok asked those of us who were raised pro-Israel, what got us to change our minds on Palestine. I made a video to answer (with my voice, not my face), and a few people watched it and found some value in it. I'm putting this here too. I communicate through text better than voice.

So I feel repetitive for saying this at this point, but I grew up in the West Bank settlements. I wrote this post to give an example of the extent to which Palestinians are dehumanized there.

Where I live now, I meet Palestinians in day to day life. Israeli Arab citizens living their lives. In the West Bank, it was nothing like that. Over there, I only saw them through the electric fence, and the hostility between us and Palestinians was tangible.

When you're a child being brought into the situation, you don't experience the context, you don't experience the history, you don't know why they're hostile to you. You just feel "these people hate me, they don't want me to exist." And that bubble was my reality. So when I was taught in school that everything we did was in self defense, that our military is special and uniquely ethical because it's the only defensive military in the world - that made sense to me. It slotted neatly into the reality I knew.

One of the first things to burst the bubble for me was when I spoke to an old Israeli man and he was talking about his trauma from battle. I don't remember what he said, but it hit me wrong. It conflicted with the history as I understood it. So I was a bit desperate to make it make sense again, and I said, "But everything we did was in self defense, right?"

He kinda looked at me, couldn't understand at all why I was upset, and he went, "We destroyed whole villages. Of course we did. It was war, that's what you do."

And that casual "of course" stuck with me. I had to look into it more.

I couldn't look at more accurate history, and not at accounts by Palestinians, I was too primed against these sources to trust them. The community I grew up in had an anti-intellectual element to it where scholars weren't trusted about things like this.

So what really solidified this for me, was seeing Palestinian culture.

Because part of the story that Israel tells us to justify everything, is that Palestinians are not a distinct group of people, they're just Arabs. They belong to the nations around us. They insist on being here because they want to deny us a homeland. The Palestinian identity exists to hurt us. This, because the idea of displacing them and taking over their lands doesn't sound like stealing, if this was never theirs and they're only pretending because they want to deprive us.

But then foods, dances, clothing, embroidery, the Palestinian dialect. These things are history. They don't pop into existence just because you hate Jews and they're trying to move here. How gorgeous is the Palestinian thobe? How stunning is tatreez in general? And when I saw specific patterns belonging to different regions of Palestine?

All of these painted for me a rich shared life of a group of people, and countered the narrative that the Palestininian identity was fabricated to hurt us. It taught me that, whatever we call them, whatever they call themselves, they have a history in this land, they have a right to it, they have a connection to it that we can't override with our own.

I started having conversations with leftist friends. Confronting the fact that the borders of the occupied territories are arbitrary and every Israeli city was taken from them. In one of those conversations, I was encouraged to rethink how I imagine peace.

This also goes back to schooling. Because they drilled into us, we're the ones who want peace, they're the ones who keep fighting, they're just so dedicated to death and killing and they won't leave us alone.

In high school, we had a stadium event with a speaker who was telling us about a person who defected from Hamas, converted to Christianity and became a Shin Bet agent. Pretty sure you can read this in the book "Son of Hamas." A lot of my friends read the book, I didn't read it, I only know what I was told in that lecture. I guess they couldn't risk us missing out on the indoctrination if we chose not to read it.

One of the things they told us was how he thought, we've been fighting with them for so long, Israelis must have a culture around the glorification of violence. And he looked for that in music. He looked for songs about war. And for a while he just couldn't find any, but when he did, he translated it more fully, and he found out the song was about an end to wars. And this, according to the story as I was told it, was one of the things that convinced him. If you know know the current trending Israeli "war anthem," you know this flimsy reasoning doesn't work.

Back then, my friend encouraged me to think more critically about how we as Israelis envision peace, as the absence of resistance. And how self-centered it is. They can be suffering under our occupation, but as long as it doesn't reach us, that's called peace. So of course we want it and they don't.

Unless we're willing to work to change the situation entirely, our calls for peace are just "please stop fighting back against the harm we cause you."

In this video, Shlomo Yitzchak shares how he changed his mind. His story is much more interesting than mine, and he's much more eloquent telling it. He mentions how he was taught to fear Palestinians. An automatic thought, "If I go with you, you'll kill me." I was taught this too. I was taught that, if I'm in a taxi, I should be looking at the driver's name. And if that name is Arab, I should watch the road and the route he's taking, to be prepared in case he wants to take me somewhere to kill me. Just a random person trying to work. For years it stayed a habit, I'd automatically look at the driver's name. Even after knowing that I want to align myself with liberation, justice, and equality. It was a process of unlearning.

On October, not long after the current escalation of violence, I had to take a taxi again. A Jewish driver stopped and told me he'll take me, "so an Arab doesn't get you." Israeli Jews are so comfortable saying things like this to each other. My neighbors discussed a Palestinian employee, with one saying "We should tell him not to come anymore, that we want to hire a Jew." The second answered, "No, he'll say it's discrimination," like it would be so ridiculous of him. And the first just shrugged, "So we don't have to tell him why." They didn't go through with it, but they were so casual about this conversation.

In the Torah, we're told to treat those who are foreign to us well, because we know what it's like to be the foreigner. Fighting back against oppression is the natural human thing to do. We know it because we lived it. And as soon as I looked at things from this angle, it wasn't really a choice of what to support.

#riki babbles #I had this in my drafts for ages and I was like 'not the time' but a friend encouraged me to share so here it is #palestine

[running-in-the-dark]

man the only thing I miss about watching shows on TV as they aired is that I didn't get insanely obsessed with everything I watched. because I watched so many shows at once, but all of them over such a long period of time, that it just didn't happen that often.

#now? now I watch a damn sitcom from the 80s because I kinda sorta think an old man is cute and suddenly I'm so stupid about #every aspect of it #and obsessed with the old man #obviously 🙄 #idk it's just a thing about the internet in general I think... there's so much of everything and I can know everything and watch everything #and just. #I have no self control I can't stop I love everything so much and it's just. everything. you know? if I can just watch every episode of this #show in a few weeks then I will do that #and it's fine right. it's fine! not weird not unusual just a thing people do. but it makes me feel so weird. like it's just. it takes over #everything! #and it's not. bad? but it's a lot #anyway thinking about Dan Fielding now goodbye

[astrxealis]

the way i'm so unproductive regarding school on weekends but so productive on monday immediately ..... i should learn to adhere to this more

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #hii :3 good evening! #today was a good day and strangely enough i was so stressed the weekend but #since today and especially rn i am so chill even though i... what. am anxious over a friendship. over college applications. over my bio #test tomorrow. and all the other homework i should really be doing. and the org i'm making with friends but i am ignoring atm bcs i'm not #good enough mentally for that right now. so...! yeah! #but i am strangely relaxed rn and tbh it's... nice. but funny it gets like this as soon as it's monday. #^_^ anyway RAGHHH BG3 !!! bg3 ..... #yk i often used to write random notes going thru ffxiv in msq and i haven't done that sine 6.x patches but the ideas are/were in my head. #i should do that too for bg3 tbh! and write general fics for my tav and him with regard to the actual story itself. #which is actually something i've never done properly before for any media! it has all just been drafts or ideas for everything else. #kinda neat how every media i'm self-indulgent about there's something else entirely that comes out of it in a creative sense. i love it <3 #HMMM so yeah ... i'll be. what. writing down random ideas but probably will write proper stuff too. #like yk oughhh random idea that's so self-indulgent ..... yeah. my notes from ffxiv are so embarrassing tho. #BUT ALSO REALLY BIG-BRAINED ..... esp the ones going thru shb. like. what the hell!!! i read it sometimes for serotonin.