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finalfilms · 7 months

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final destination characters and what movie/tv shows i think they would like

alex - the walking dead. has seen every single episode even though it’s been running for over a decade. says he could probably survive a zombie apocalypse. is the biggest glenn defender ever.

tod - community. 100%. when the movie got announced he went apeshit on twitter. he loves troy, has seen every episode at least twice, and actually liked the fourth season for some reason.

george - he doesn’t watch tv unless it’s like a sport. look at him. if he had to pick, brooklyn 99.

clear - shameless. she sat through all eleven seasons, would have watch parties with her friends, and liked to take notes on the psyche of the characters. she HATED frank with a passion and loved fiona. actually cried at both finales.

billy - my babysitters a vampire. claims it was his “childhood” and is still upset they ended it on a cliffhanger. rory def rubbed off on him growing up. he prefers the first season to the second but has seen each episode like a million times. will sing the theme song totally unprompted

carter - breaking bad. actually tried making meth cause he thought walter had the “right idea” with the money. is the kind of guy to retweet sigma male edits of the characters

terry - locke and key. watched it cause she thought the main villain was hot, and when he was a girl too she went crazy on twitter. live tweeted the second season, and will defend kinsey locke to no extent.

kimberly - first kill. clear or shania told her to watch it saying it was like a better version of twilight. (she loves twilight). she was on the front lines trying to keep the show from getting canceled. she has probably made an edit of caliette. she’s crazy like that.

rory - he also likes breaking bad, but he’s more into better call saul. saul goodman is HIM. literally so relatable and babygirl. he saw better call saul first, so when he showed up in s2 of brba he went APESHIT

eugene - abbott elementary because there is “finally” a REAL show about what it’s like to be a teacher. he also never gets into sitcoms so it was a shock for him that he liked it so much

nora - bones. she LOVES crime dramas on daytime television, and bones is no exception. she finds herself trying to figure out the twist every single episode. she also gets way too into the characters. (tim was explaining to her that bones was autistic coded and she went :o)

tim - kid LOOKS like henry danger, but i’m gonna say malcom in the middle. secretly wished for a big family growing up. alex told him that the father makes meth and since tim didn’t know about brba he was actively seeking out that plot line.

evan - literally anything with wrestling.

kat - the office. not in like, a “basic” way or anything but because she is a businesswoman and needs to feel included. she likes pam a lot. wanted dwight to die once. she got through about eight seasons before calling it quits.

wendy - i feel like she’s a house md fan??? idk why or how but it just makes sense to me i suppose. probably an rsl fan or something

kevin - okay unpopular opinion but i feel like he’s a huge fan of the will forte era on snl. he’s a will forte fan in general so he’s probably seen clone high, last man on earth and macgruber

ian - def a santa clarita diet fan. trust me when i say this man was having meltdowns on twitter when it got canceled. you have never seen him more passionate in his life!

erin - okay this is very unpopular and very out of character but she has a guilty pleasure show and that is dawsons creek. joey is her fave and she is Completely Normal about pacey + joey. her regular show is yellowjackets, however. god bless cannibalistic high schoolers

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neverwritewhatyouknow · 10 months

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hello hello~ i saw your post about rw&b from another blog and decided to give your blog a look through. i just wanted to say really thank you for bringing these representation issues to the conversation, even if it's tiring and hard :')

i thought about it and i really could only name a few characters on tv that i've seen recently who were jewish (jake/gina from b99 and dr. taub from house md). as a jew, even nonreligious like many of us are, the culture is still such an important part of the community, and yet none of us really get to see this representation on screen - especially minorities within the jewish minority (i have a friend who's half chinese half jewish for ex).

i didn't grow up with religion (we only celebrated passover sometimes and we usually forgot to light the hanukkah candles after day 3), but we ate latkes and matzah and hamantashen and my mom and grandparents (also nonreligious jews) regularly used yiddish words like schlep and schmutz which I didn't know wasn't normal until i had college friends ask me what they meant.

anyway this ask doesn't really have a point but i'm really glad to see that this kind of issue is being talked about at some level, especially as you've seen, it keeps getting denied and pushed down (like saying having a jewish producer on a movie means we shouldn't have jewish actors??? wtf). even though i haven't experienced much discrimination myself (i don't have an easily identifiable/stereotypical jewish name or appearance) many many people have (for literally thousands of years) and there's so much antisemitism in our society. it's exhausting seeing it, hearing about it, reading it in books, etc. sorry for the very long message but sending much love and gratitude <3<3 you're amazing

Thank you so much for this!!!

I was just talking to someone else about Jake from Brooklyn 99, I’m gonna watch the show because everyone keeps telling me great things! And Taub… yikes… his character isn’t bad, but man do they really use his Jewishness as a punchline sometimes, granted House does it with everyone, but it feels more offensive with Taub. Dr Cuddy in House is Jewish too, played by Lisa Edelstein. But that was more of the case that she was Jewish and they let her character be too. But yeah, Jewish rep is such a small fraction of characters, and meaningful Jewish rep even more so.

There will be “Jewish” TV shows like The Goldbergs or Maisel, and people consider that rep… but 1. There are almost no Jewish actors in either of those shows, 2. Heavily stereotyped, 3. If the only time you can see more than one of two Jews on screen is in a show that is about Jews… It’s still othering Jews by literally putting them into a different show. I can easily name more than a dozen shows with no Jewish characters, which is just so terrible. Especially because there are so many different Jews in the world. Not every Jew is from New York and speaking Yiddish. There’s an entire other type of Judaism called Sephardic Judaism and there’s almost no rep there. Plus, there is barely any rep for Jews of color (especially played by Jews of color). I also have a friend who’s Jewish and Chinese, apparently that’s a super huge sector… yet, I can’t remember the last time I ever saw that represented by an actor who is. Sorry, little rant.

I love hearing about people’s Jewish upbringing, because there’s such a diverse range in the way people live their Jewish lives, and it doesn’t make any Jew more or less Jewish than another. I’m really glad you’ve never been discriminated against, like honest to god that makes me so happy. I’m the total opposite. Nearly been killed and attacked a handful of times, so any time another Jew tells me they’re able to live without worrying for their life, it makes me so happy and hopeful that maybe one day we all can. Probably a big hope lol, but maybe.

And yeah, Jewish representation is something that people don’t wanna hear about, because it would require people to understand more about Judaism and Jewishness, and due to history/society/culture, many think they already know everything and learning more would make them reevaluate things. And many don’t want to.

Thanks again for your message, Anon! Great to hear from you!!

#Jewish #anon post #jewish representation

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fishmonger291 · 2 years

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Changes to House MD?

For a long time now I’ve been thinking about House MD and how I feel the writing really shifted in the show from being about the cases and mysteries to nonsense and ridiculously unbelievable storylines. Now I know many of you are going to disagree with me, and that’s totally fine, but these are the changes I would make to the show to keep it up to par with seasons 1, 2, & 3:

First, I wasn’t crazy for the new team. I totally understand that it was a fellowship position and our three favorite physicians would probably want to expand their horizons and make an actual doctor’s salary, but in a lot of ways it felt like they got written off. I’ve done a lot of reading on this topic and some of that has to do with it being a network show (they do some lousy things some times) and the other part was what they thought would be the natural progression of the characters. That part I can accept, but the team members they select for the new staff weren’t great. Kutner was okay. He was clearly an attempt at being like Chase with a dramatic family back story and a silly, spunky personality. Then there was Taub who was the only one I can say I really liked for the team. He was sarcastic and grouchy (also the only character I can believe is from the NY NJ area since I’m actually from here). I like that he’s older, worked in plastic surgery, and is a sweet guy. Clearly a throwback to Foreman. Then there’s Thirteen. I find nothing redeeming about her. The back story was too much, the slutty party girl thing was annoying, and it just felt like they were trying to make a cheap copy of Cameron. Part of it I’m sure was that they wanted to give Foreman a love interest, but it just didn’t work. The chemistry just wasn’t there.

I would have given him a new team, it was probably necessary and made sense but I also would have had the old team around more. We get five minutes of Chase and five minutes of Cameron per episode and most of the time they’re just arguing. I also did a little research into it and neither actor was trying to get out of the show. They both were surprised that they’d been made into smaller characters which I think is pretty lousy.

Next, I love that Cuddy adopted a child, but I hate that they made a lot of it look pretty easy. She struggled to get pregnant, like many women do, and so she turned to adoption which failed the first time and succeeded the second time. That’s awesome and I loved the realism (some of it was clearly exaggerated but it’s tv). They had ONE episode that showed her struggling as a single mom with a chaotic job and a baby. How bananas is that? It reminds me of how on Law and Order SVU Olivia Benson is a captain and adopts a child and everything is perfect. In addition, the idea that then House and Cuddy get together is a little crazy. I’m sure many people were waiting for this, and they were hysterical together, but part of what made their relationship fun for viewers was the whole “will they won’t they” thing. They had sexual tension, comedy, and once they got together it was all over. Then House drives a car through Cuddy’s home and that was just weird. I read that Lisa Edelstein was leaving the show over a contract dispute but the writers didn’t know and they were upset because they would have written her character out better. I wish they had, because not only was it totally ridiculous but it did no justice for either character.

Many of you will probably fight me on this, but I have and will always be rooting for Chase and Cameron. The actors had great chemistry (they were a real life couple that split) and had the potential to be a really great couple. To me, their relationship was a little bit of lazy writing. I never liked the storyline of Cameron being in love with House and I thought her back story was way too much from the beginning. Not every character needs some tragic thing in their past, there can be characters that come into a situation that are just normal people. Cameron in season 2 was smart, wity, funny, and had the best hair (that dark doo with the bangs in season 3 was dreadful). I love that they wrote in that she did drugs and slept with Chase cause it broke down that goody-goody-two-shoes persona. In season 3, I think they really didn’t know how she would naturally progress that would make her interesting so they turned her into a slut. She was like this weird, over sexual character trying to prove she could use Chase for sex and nothing else, but they did it for like three episodes and then when he told her he liked her she backed off. It wasn’t the worst, and I liked (of course) that it did lead to them getting together but I think they did her a disservice as many shows do with their female characters.

When season 4 hits, Cameron is weirdly soft spoken and they still sprinkle in parts about her maybe having the hots for House which is still weirdly uncomfortable. Finally, in season 5, she and Chase get engaged and married. This is where I think the writers just gave up. I read that that’s when Jennifer Morrison started working more on that other show, but she never intended to leave House. The writers wrote her out and apparently she was very disappointed because they’d never even told her. For us Cameron and Chase fans it felt like we waited an eternity for them to get married, and they got divorced for the dumbest reason possible. Cameron leaves Chase because he purposely killed an evil man, but did the writers forget that Cameron killed a cancer researcher in season 3???

This is what I would have like to see happen: the writers should have allowed the couple to function like actual people instead of a crazy fake story. I think they should have allowed to two to stay married, have Cameron be happy in the ER and Chase be looking to go back into diagnostics. Chase and Cameron could have gotten pregnant which would have lead to two very interesting issues: Cameron who worked hard for her career would be in the position that millions of women are in which is choosing to be a stay at home mom and be involved in your kids lives, or go back to work and have your career. If the actress had a schedule that allowed her to appear in episodes frequently, she could go back to work, but if not she could chose to stay home with their baby and make appearances on the show every once in a while. For Chase, this storyline could have been soooo interesting! He had a very chaotic family growing up and has no family to help him raise a child. It would have been interesting to see himself questioning the kind of father he could be and struggling and having doubts. Also, as a doctor his schedule would be super busy and if Cameron stayed home with the baby it would have been really cool to highlight how challenging it is for fathers who feel like they’re missing out on so much by having to go in to work. The writers missed a really good opportunity to make these characters strong together, give them interesting storylines, and allow them to be realistic rather than ridiculously fake.

Foreman was great. To be honest, there isn’t much else I would do with his character. I love that he became the dean of medicine, I think he always had potential and he has the intelligence. I also think the writers did a great job allowing Foreman to be House’s number 2 when he had the new team, I loved his struggle for power, and most of all I love that he and Chase became friends!

So, to wrap up this crazy long rant, the writers of House MD did some great work and some questionable stuff along the way. House is a great character and so is Cuddy, but there coming together and ultimatle breakup left this viewer confused and disappointed. His new teams were nothing compared to his original three and their embellished backstories and forced storylines were just a no. Chase and Cameron coming together was a huge victory, but their split was so cringy that I can’t even watch.

What do you think? Do you agree with my assessments?

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themirthfulroadrunners · 3 years

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D.C. - His and Hers

Debbie’s View of Planet D.C. & Beyond:

Unlike Sparky, (read below) I am not steeped in the subjects of history and politics. When in a so dedicated place, I tend to look for other things that attract my interest, and in many cases, find bits to point and laugh at.

As Wayne describes below, our visit to the nation’s capital/capitol was done in very unique societal circumstances which was actually fine and dandy with moi. I loved the fact that most tourists chose to stay away and await a future time when normality returns, if there even is so much as a hope for such. The fact that we could drive our car safely and efficiently into and around the Mecca of Democracy and Tourist Magnet thrilled me.

We did, however, take a ride on the city’s Metro train. At one point, we were the only riders in our particular car. Zounds! The train was clean and felt very safe, affording us several minutes to watch our fellow man going through the paces of what was likely an ordinary day in the life (I read the news today, oh boy …). I didn’t capture any funny or blog-worthy vignettes from these rides but low-drama is desirable on subways anyway, especially in these politically-charged times.

East Coast food disappointed both of us. Maybe we merely chose wrongly, but we awarded zero 5 star reviews. In the category of Grossest Thing EVER there is Scrapple. Feeling a bit uncharacteristically adventurous, Wayne ordered some with his breakfast at an Annapolis, MD deli (Chick & Ruth’s Delly). Myself, apparently osmosing some of the above-mentioned adventurousness, tasted one bite. My taste buds immediately sounded an alarm, sorta like the one that the robot in Lost in Space blared continuously to Will Robinson: WARNING!! DANGER!! Every part of my being wanted the hateful stuff REMOVED FROM THE AREA IMMEDIATELY. A gag SO wanted to happen, but I comported myself as a lady should when in public and the alien substance safely went down the correct cavity, followed by a long gulp of water. You’ll have to Google scrapple’s recipe, but when asked, our waitress replied that it is made from “pig.” Most everything else I tasted in this region was bland, but that beats gag-worthy, huh?

The offensive scrapple is the brown block on the upper plate. Closer plate is a ginormous crab cake.

Annapolis was, um, Claustrophobia Central, at least to me. Beautiful and historic houses, but streets about 6 inches wide with parking on BOTH SIDES had me holding my breath to somehow magically shrink our Ford Edge to Matchbox Car size in order to squeeeeeeeze through. Streets everywhere, going every which way. They’ve never heard of an urban grid, I guess, but these neighborhood houses are roughly 400 years old. Apparently, SUVs were much smaller back then.

Delaware was a destination one day, just because, why not? We get a kid’s kick out of dipping into nearby states merely to check them off the list. So … we went there, ate lunch, went back to Maryland where we were house sitting. Sorry, nothing of interest that would fill up a paragraph.

D.C. was heavily guarded, or at least it sure looked that way to me. Very understandable in light of January 6, but access was almost not to be had, though we did see all the pertinent exteriors and the monuments. We did enjoy a boat ride on the Potomac, past the infamous Watergate Building and a couple more sites of interest to politics/history junkies, blah blah. Not technically D.C. but we walked a bit in Arlington National Cemetery. Barricades kept us from actually seeing JFK’s grave, but we did see the eternal flame, which is kinda the bigger icon, at least to this Baby Boomer.

The Watergate Office Building

Robert E Lee’s home in the background.

Our housesit was in a tiny burg on the west coast of the Chesapeake Bay. It is very low there, just plain swampy in some areas. We had one unseasonably warm day before a storm when the humidity rivaled anything I’ve felt in Arkansas. The trees in the region are rather unimpressive in circumference, but grow to towering heights, making me fear a bit for their sturdiness during a very windy day/night. Maybe they’re slender but elastic; there was no news of massive tree loss afterwards.

That’s it for me, folks. Take it away Sparky …

Wayne’s take on Washington D.C. –

This was my third trip to D.C., and somewhat disappointing in that our visit was while Covid19 limits were still in place, and it followed the January 6 insurrection.

We were restricted not only from visiting and touring the Capitol, but even from getting close enough to have truly said we were there. Thank you very much you “Big Lie’ Insurrectionists.

I can’t/won’t say that I’m proud to be an American because after all, that is just a matter of the fortunes of birth. I could just as well have been born to anyone else, anywhere else on the planet. I have done nothing American to be proud of, even if pride was a notable quality. I have voted, and I have honorably served in the United States military. So there is that.

The Capitol building is where our elected representatives decide whether to go to war, or not, who does, or does not, get healthcare protections, who pays taxes, and who does not, whether we protect the environment, or not. This is where our representatives determine who won our democratically elected president. And thanks to the battle of January 6, democracy prevailed over autocracy. The flag above the Capitol is the one that all flags flown from every Post Office to every front porch represents. This is the flag of our nation. This is the flag of America.

The White House has been the home of our elected leader for well over two hundred years, the virtual leader of the free world for a century. It was burned up in 1814 by the soldiers of England, our present greatest ally. Residents of the White House have ranged from the awe-inspiring to the heinous. Andrew Jackson defied the Supreme Court, refusing to comply with their ruling on the Cherokee Indians, and then compelled all Indians to forfeit their lands, despite legal treaties and in many cases total adoption of the American culture, and to remove themselves to the Oklahoma Territory. Other presidents started wars while yet others saved our country, and even the world with military involvements. Our president(s) live/lived here.

We toured all the memorials – memorials to our national heroes, and to the servicemen who fought and died in our wars. I expect most of our true heroes remain unsung. Some might say that too many of our infamous remain unhung.

Forrest Gump’s spot

Supreme Court Building

America Bless God

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dannyphannypack · 4 years

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Crossover Fic Recs

Hey, saw your post for some fic recs! Unfortunately I can't continue the wonderful thread of reblogs because I wish to remain anonymous, but here have some cool crossovers that I didn't see get rec'd yet :D (you can either post this or add it to the reblogs, I don't mind either way)

Just Another Meteor Freak [500k words, complete] (and it's sequel, which is unfortunately incomplete) is a Smallville/DP crossover that's absolutely a fantastic read and I cannot recommend it enough, it's one of my faves! Brief synopsis: Danny goes to live with his aunt Martha Kent after his family dies (and for once Danny's family dying in a crossover fic doesn't have anything to do with TUE!), and misunderstandings of the good kind and mishaps ensue because of course Danny and Clark's hero complexes come into play. It's got hurt/comfort, fluff, angst, sibling-esque-bonding, and all sorts of cool stuff, including ghost king headcannons and new powers for Danny. It takes place mostly from a Smallville perspective, but Danny's woven in so seamlessly that you won't believe he wasn't in the original show to begin with. I read it for the first time after having not watched Smallville in years and I could still understand it though, so I think that if you haven't watched Smallville before you could still enjoy the fic a lot!

And like, honestly, I totally recommend other stuff by this author (jadedbluerose) too. She's got a Merlin/DP crossover that's pretty fantastic, but unfortunately she hasn't updated anything since 2014 :( still worth the read though!!

Spirited Away [70k, complete] is a Harry Potter/DP crossover, it's honestly THE MOST hilarious fic I've ever read. Synopsis: Danny is an unwilling student at Hogwarts, and the most chaotic Hufflepuff the world has ever seen. He claims he's been kidnapped but when no one listens to him, he raises all kinds of hell to try and get kicked out. And if that doesn't work, well, he can always sue them. 100% worth the read, it will definitely make you laugh.

Various Superphantom (Supernatural/DP) crossovers by sapphireswimming. Literally anything Superphantom found here? Totally the best. You can also check out Superphantom fics by surelysilly (whose fics are more on the darker end of the spectrum, and their prose style is kinda abstract rather than your traditional linear narrative) Vitaliciouscreations (they've got a oneshot collection that's pretty fun, as well as a oneshot that I wish they'd continue and a complete cute 13k-word penpal fic.)

How to befriend a ghost [80k, incomplete] is a HTTYD/DP crossover in which Danny gets stuck in the Viking era, and I originally started reading this for the Danny & Hiccup friendship because it's adorable and both of them see how similar they are to each other and find kinship in that. The dragon Danny gets (because this is a HTTYD crossover, this is inevitable!) really sneaks into your heart though, and I ABSOLUTELY adore Sparky as much as I adore Toothless. He's very lovable and complements Danny super well! Of course, it's not all friendship bonding and training dragons, the archipelago is Danny's home now (until he can find his way back to Amity Park/his own century) and he's going to protect it too when trouble arises, just like the dragons do. He even gets new powers along the way. This fic is pretty fun, there's a lot of switching perspectives and you really see the characters' voices come through in it, and you even get to see the dragons' POV, which is really interesting since you get to learn Sparky's backstory!

Den Mother [8k, ongoing] is a Young Justice/DP crossover that acknowledges the fact that Danny is by all rights a first-generation hero, and he's treated with the respect as such and gets to join the Justice League rather than the YJ team. Of course, he doesn't WANT to join the league at first, which is a different take than you'd expect, but he reluctantly agrees and is then given the same responsibilities as a Justice League member--that is, to teach the YJ something about teamwork or whatever. It's not very long right now, but the premise is so good! It has a lot of potential.

A Foreign Perspective [200k words, complete] is a DNAngel/DP crossover that I saw @scrollingdown call a fandom classic once and honestly agree, even though I don't think many people know/have read it. It's a cute friendship fic that focuses on Phantom (not Danny, but Phantom specifically) making his first friend, an older boy named Daisuke, who seems normal at first, but is slowly revealed to be a little more understanding of Danny's situation than he appears. Some comfort involved too since Danny deals with a little more with the idea of mourning/loss than in canon, seeing as Daisuke thinks he's a full ghost and therefore a teenager that died, and Danny learns to be a different kind of hero because of it. Really cool fic too since you don't need to know DNAngel at all to understand the fic, since it's told from DP's perspective, and you get to learn about Daisuke as Danny does. It's just super sweet and it's got some action here and there that makes it exciting, and it's really a fun read.

Other stuff by this author is worth the read too! They've got oneshots of a HP crossover and Ghost Whisperer crossover, and a sadly incomplete HTTYD crossover [100k words] that is still super super good and also deals with ideas about mourning and loss. Their non-crossover stuff is also pretty interesting (there's a Mute!Danny AU and Dash kinda-redemption oneshot I really liked).

Diversity [150k, ongoing] is another Ghost Whisperer/DP crossover, it's a found-family fic where Danny runs away from home after his family dies in the events post TUE. He ends up running into Melinda and she goes out of her way to help him. There's a couple underlying mysteries surrounding the ghosts that haunt this fic, and Melinda tries to understand Danny's past and ends up tangled in a conspiracy because Danny's hiding his ghostly alter-ego and also the GIW are involved at some point (and they are much more menacing here than in canon). It's totally a page-turner, and you can get as invested as Melinda in hoping Danny heals from his loss. Spellbound [150k, ongoing] is a HP/DP crossover by the same author! Danny accidentally gets trapped by Magical Britain and is bitter about it, but he's trying to make the best of it. The Wizards have no idea what to make of him, but he just wants to go home, and he makes a couple friends while he plots his escape. (It's actually been a while since I read that one, so I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but I do remember feeling bad for Danny in this fic, poor boy's lonely and can't even interact with kids his own age because he's an unknown creature to the wizards. Good thing Danny's never been one to follow authority.)

A Visit to Paris [10k, complete] is a Miraculous Ladybug/DP crossover in which Danny is Akumatized... sort of. The results are hilarious: Danny's a troll, Hawkmoth is frustrated, the heroes aren't really sure what to make of it, and Danny and Adrien make a lot of puns. Oh, and Danny is the only one smart enough to fix Paris' villain problem (okay, so it might be slightly cracky). It reminds me very much of Spirited Away, which I mentioned earlier. It's got the same level of chaos that's for sure. All in all, it's a very, very fun read.

A Different Sort of House Call [50k, incomplete] is a House MD/DP crossover, it's been years since I read it but I've always considered it one of the fandom classics too? It was definitely one of the first things to pop to mind when I was trying to recall all the cool memorable crossovers to rec you, so this goes on the list too. It's Danny at the hospital with House, and the doctors are trying to diagnose him without knowing about his ghost half (and Danny's not exactly willing to tell them either). There's angst (especially since the author wrote this to follow Lab Rat by AnneriaWings), Vlad trying to be an ally (sorta?), and House being clever as usual. Sadly it's incomplete but it's still super good!!

Running Blind [20k, complete] is a CSI/DP crossover (it took me forever to find the link again since it wasn't listed as a crossover). It's super good, Danny runs away for reasons unknown (at the beginning of course) and gets caught up in a murder investigation and he suspects the culprit is supernatural so obviously he helps out. The CSI guys are both trying to protect him (thinking he was a target for the murderer) but also trying to uncover his past and the reasons he ran away. When you find out why he ran away, you might be awed like I was (especially when you realize how long it had been since he ran) or you might be unimpressed, but the aftermath and his family/friends finally catching up to him might make up for that. I kinda liked how Vlad was written here too.

Ghost Crimes and its sequels is a Criminal Minds/DP crossover. It's the first in a very long series (currently 500k+ words in total) that expands on the DP world and lore, and also involves a lot more murder, death, blood (and the other related gore-ish stuff), and overall realism. Like, Danny fights what is basically Jack the Ripper and its terrifying. It's kind of like a "dark and gritty" DP (but like, not unbearably or overwhelmingly dark and gritty), angst sprinkled here and there, along with darker themes and less light-hearted issues (mental health/trauma/depression/etc. and neglect/abuse and like, actual competent adults like social workers and stuff are a real thing in this fic). There's a lot going on but it's got its lighter nice moments too (Dani is there and gets to be a part of Danny's family, Val's in on the secret, among other things). Also some of the chapters are illustrated, it's great. Definitely check it out!

Okay that's a lot of fics so I'm gonna stop now. Have fun reading!!

#danny phantom #phanfic #crossover #submission #THIS IS SO GOOD !#THANK YOU OMG !

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jessgartner · 3 years

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2020 Life Olympics

The real Olympics may have been canceled in 2020 but the Life Olympics persevered like the postal service of Olympics.

First, I’d like to apologize for my role in the chaos of 2020 because I think I had a slight miscommunication with the powers that be and I feel partly responsible. Here was my plan for 2020:

My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping “in-tent” to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

The universe was like, “Oh, she wants to spend less money and more time outside? Well, shut it down. Shut the whole planet down.”

I mean, mission accomplished, I guess? I did spend less money and more time outside and had to be VERY intentional with my mental energy to survive the day-to-day morass of 2020. Next time, I will be more specific with my annual manifestations. Sorry to all.

2020 was brutal for pretty much everything and everyone. I don’t know anyone who isn’t in some state of grief right now, including myself. I debated doing a Life Olympics at all this year, feeling like-- what is the point? Hundreds of thousands of people died, our democracy is hanging on by a thread, and millions of people lost jobs, businesses, and homes.

Like many people, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this year which intensified as it got darker and colder outside. At a low point, I talked with my therapist about the struggle of just not wanting to do any of the things that usually bring me joy-- and how periods of relief were so fleeting. “But you have to keep doing those things,” she said, “even if they’re not working right now, you have to keep doing those things and trust the process; the joy will return.”

So even though I don’t really feel like it and kind of feel like it’s dumb, I’m writing the 2020 Life Olympics. I’m trusting the process.

2020 Life Olympics Recap

Work - Participation Trophy

Starting a company is hard, operating a company is harder, but running a company during a global pandemic and economic crisis is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. 2020 was not a fun year to lead a business; it was hell. On March 15, the plan for the year pretty much went out the window and everything went into survival mode. I never take the company or my team for granted, but I’m particularly grateful to be able to usher this work into 2021.

Despite the craziness, we still had some big wins this year. We launched new product partnerships with PowerSchool and Amazon Business. We rebuilt our tool for equitably calculating district funding formulas. And I got to flex my creative muscles with EdFinToks! Throughout it all, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a team of people who are as compassionate as they are talented.

I’m worried about public education more than ever after this year, but I’m going to keep fighting every day to make it work better for kids.

This is Work-Lite but I also spent a good chunk of time this year leading the modernization workgroup for Bill Henry’s transition committee after his spring primary election to become the new Baltimore City Comptroller, ousting a 25-year incumbent, Joan Pratt. This was an enlightening (and infuriating) experience for me that gave me a glimpse into the operations of a segment of the City government. This process also really helped crystallize how much I enjoy making public agencies function more efficiently; I’m excited to see what Bill does with the recommendations (some are already being put in action!)

Health - Gold

This is the second year in a row (and ever) that I’m giving myself a Gold medal for Health. This was easily a year that I could have regressed on all of my healthy habits and no one would have blamed me. Instead, I leaned into protecting and improving my physical and mental health in 2020. It’s not an exaggeration to say that walking probably saved my life this year. I spent a lot of time walking around my neighborhood and various state and city parks-- walking is maybe not the best word; I stomp and charge around like I have a score to settle with the ground beneath me. My walking increased 370% in 2020. This is a habit of 2020 that I’d like to keep. My brain and body are happier if I can spend a little time walking-- stomping-- around outside each day.

I also did a lot of biking this summer. My cycling increased 200% this year-- with much more time spent cycling outdoors. My crowning achievement this year was biking to and from Annapolis:

I spent a LOT more time outside this year which was critical for my mental health. On the downside, I only did 90% as much yoga and 60% as much strength training, so I want to try to be a little more balanced next year.

I also invested a lot in my mental health this year. I kept up with therapy every 2-4 weeks and in October I decided to pursue a formal diagnosis for ADHD which I definitely have! Needless to say, staying in one place this year has been a special kind of hell for me.

Home - Silver

Well, I definitely spent less money this year. And the way I did spend money made me (mostly) sad:

Travel down 70%

Auto & Transportation up 200% (boo cars)

Shopping down 60%

Personal Care down 35%

Gifts and donations up 200%

Food and Dining down 40%

Entertainment down 35% (I kept up my singing lessons virtually which accounts for a lot of this category)

2020 was quite the palate cleanser from my 2019 year of hedonism but maybe we can go for a happy medium in 2021? Just kidding-- I will resume my hedonist ways the minute the world opens.

I also redid my home office like every other work-from-homer on the planet and replaced my crumbling kitchen floor so the house got some TLC.

But nobody enjoyed having me home all year as much as Darwin:

Relationships - Bronze

What a weird year for relationships of all kinds. I’m giving this a Bronze because while I invested a lot into a few relationships this year, there are also a lot of people in my life to whom I haven’t been able to give my time and love.

One of the most important relationships in my life this year was with one of my former students. After bouncing around in the foster system for many years, we reconnected around the holidays in 2019 and he started crashing with me while we tried to figure out stable housing and employment. He was arrested in January and was incarcerated for the next several months awaiting trial. Finally, we were able to negotiate a plea agreement with the State’s Attorney and he came home around Independence Day. We spent the next several months getting him set up with a phone and various identification documents-- a nightmare in normal times and a total abyss during the pandemic. I got him registered to vote when we got his ID card and I took him to vote for the first time (a supreme treat for this former social studies teacher):

He’s now got a full-time job and stable living situation. Calling this THE success of 2020. Thank you to everyone who helped me with resources all year for housing, legal processes, and documents. It takes a village.

It was a bizarre year for family. We lost my grandmother in September, so not being able to spend the holidays together felt like an especially cruel loss. Other big losses this year include a trip to France to celebrate a milestone birthday for my mother and my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding (Mosby seemed pretty ok with the alternative plan, though):

But in many ways, my family has been more together than ever this year thanks to prolific group chats and photo-sharing. Mostly, I’m just glad everyone else is safe and healthy. As my father often reminds me, “Our problems are small.”

And dating? What to do with this weird Jane-Austen-esque dating scene-- as if modern dating weren’t fraught enough. Is this the universe punishing me for ending my 2019 dating hiatus early? I, for one, have given up. You win this one, pandemic. I’m just going to have my little Twitter crush and call it a year. Next year, though...

Horizons - Silver Gold

You know what? It’s hard to expand your horizons without people or places.

I did the best I could. I finally got back on track with my Goodreads challenge and actually had a really good year of reading, including finally embracing audiobooks through my Libro.fm subscriptions. I especially enjoyed Michelle Obama’s book Becoming and Mike Birbiglia’s The New One on audio-- both narrated by their authors.

I camped in Pocomoke (MD), Western MD, Lake Michigan, and Ohiopyle (PA):

I explored over 30 new hiking/biking trails-- some favorites including the Youghiegheny River trail in PA, the NCR trail, Catoctin Mountain, the C&O Canal Towpath, Annapolis Rock, and of course, Stoney Run in my backyard.

I left Facebook and started the Life Olympics newsletter. I’ll be honest, I don’t miss Facebook but I also don’t understand where that energy, time, and brain space went. I was spending cumulatively hours a day mindlessly scrolling Facebook and I quit cold turkey and barely noticed-- what black hole of our brains does social media occupy? I kind of thought that with all that extra time I would write the next great American novel or something. I’m probably spending a little more time on Twitter, which I could stand to cut back on. Other than that, I think I was just trying to process the shitstorm of this year. Maybe I’ll write the next great American novel post-pandemic.

For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat ‘caught up’ on pop-culture. I finally watched Parks and Recreation (twice); I watched The Mandalorian and finally actually watched Star Wars (episodes IV-IX); I watched the final seasons of The Good Place and Schitt’s Creek; I’m caught up on Insecure; I watched The Prom and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and Jingle Jangle; I even started Bridgerton. I know what everyone is talking about and I’m catching so many more pop-culture references these days. (I guess instead of writing the next great American novel I watched Netflix?)

2020 Lessons

I’ve spent plenty of time mourning the missed opportunities of 2020 and will probably always wonder what this year could have been in an alternate universe with a functioning government. But we only have this reality for now, and we made the best of it.

I wanted to slow down in 2020, try to be more intentional, more mindful, and...

No thank you! I liked the pace of my life; it makes my brain and heart happy. I’m happiest when I wake up in a different city three days in a row. I like darting around every borough of Manhattan for nine meetings and three cocktails and then taking a red-eye to Europe. I want to run around to eight conferences for 18-hours a day for three weeks and then sleep for 22 hours. I miss overloading my brain so much that I need a deprivation chamber to sleep. This is who I am. This is how I like to live. And when I was locked down alone in the house for a year, slowing down, being mindful, I never once thought, “I should have... when I had the chance.” Because I always did. And I always will.

2021

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver

We’ve had enough grief. 2021 is going to be all about joy.

Universe, let me be clear: this is not a euphemism or code or secret signal.

I want pure, unadulterated, abundant, joy. I want multi-course dinners in restaurants with lots of close friends and good wine. I want the virus so far gone that I can make-out with handsome strangers. I want a rollicking good time in France and/or Brazil and/or Prague and/or New Zealand and/or Bali. I want to spend the day after Christmas in NYC with my father. I want to be a glutton for theatre and art and music. I want celebrations and parties and sequins.

I want to shake with joy.

If you’d like to receive the (shorter) monthly Life Olympics, subscribe here.

#lifeolympics

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prorevenge · 5 years

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Don't screw with the crew!

Back in the early 90s, I got a gig working as a front-of-house sound engineer on a major 10-day music and arts festival in London’s Docklands with some fifteen stages dotted all around the waterfront. All of the crew working the stages were either experienced theatre techs, and/or had loads of experience working major outside events, which is the reason we were hired. As an aside, this festival was to celebrate the culmination of a massive investment in the redevelopment of this area of East London, itself the former site of one of the largest dock complexes in the world.

I was tasked with running FOH sound on one of the largest stages. Normally, events like this are loads of fun to work but within two days it became apparent that the organisers had 1), no idea of how to run major outside events and 2), had not the faintest idea of how to book acts and schedule same. In particular, we also had to contend with some woman from Docklands' middle management team who had been given the job of "overseeing" our particular stage, a person who not only had rapidly proved to be totally ignorant of any aspect of managing outside events, but also someone for whom the word "entitled" had been invented.

Our stage was licensed to run events from midday until 10:00pm but we rarely had a full day’s-worth of events for punters to enjoy, due to the aforementioned incompetence with booking. Still, not our problem—we'll just work with what’s given us.

On the Thursday, we had scheduled an evening of old-time Victorian music hall which featured, as a special guest, a very famous film and TV actress. Her performance rider required a grand piano. For some unfathomable reason (and again due to the incompetence of the organisers), the piano—a full-size Yamaha concert grand—arrived from the hire company on the Tuesday. This was a remarkably stupid idea for any number of reasons: due to operational considerations, we had to store the piano in the backstage area where it spent two days suffering in the heat of the day despite our best efforts to shield it.

As any piano technician/tuner will tell you, this is An Extremely Bad Idea, especially with an instrument worth close to £100,000. Almost as bad was the fact that our area was little more than a roughly-graded building site: the ground was covered in hard-core rubble fragments around the size of hen’s eggs (very uncomfortable to walk around on, even with proper work boots), which also kicked up loads of dust and other detritus—not the sort of crap you want floating about gumming up the works of a very expensive concert grand!

Now let me properly set the scene: it’s mid-summer, very hot, and our venue is a large circus-style tent with around 800-seat capacity. The cast of the show, along with our august star, were due to turn up at around 1:00pm to conduct a production rehearsal so we could sort out sound and lighting cues for the show.

The main cast duly turn up on time, and we start sorting out their technical requirements (pretty simple and nothing that we’re not used to). At about 1:30pm, our star turns up sporting dark glasses and an immaculate couture. As anyone who’s worked in this industry knows, the initial interaction with a major A-list star vis-à-vis their technical requirements can go one of two ways: full-monty diva, or let’s go with what we have.

Her first demand was that the piano be dropped off the front of the stage so that she could maintain an eye-line whilst standing right downstage, both with her pianist and with the audience. The stage was about 4.5 feet above ground level and would have required at least eight burly lads to safely shift a full-size concert grand off the deck. Also not a good idea since it had been tuned that morning and moving it would have almost certainly caused the tuning to go out of whack.

I delicately pointed out that doing so would be in direct violation of both health and safety, and fire regulations—as per our written policy—as it would have put the piano in both the fire lane and close to one of the primary emergency exits from the venue. Thinking rapidly, I then suggested that we place the piano as far downstage as physically possible, and that she page herself three or four feet upstage so that she could still glance over and take cues from her MD whilst still “taking in” the audience.

The tension was palpable: after a few seconds consideration she replied, “No problem, I can work with that.” Phew!! No sooner than this crisis had been averted than the Docklands rep rocked up. I remind you, gentle reader, that this person had absolutely zero knowledge about how to run an outside event.

She had also been a major thorn in our side for the previous week, trying to micro-manage proceedings in the venue in order to big herself up in front of her bosses: we, of course, completely ignored her “suggestions” but in such a way as made her think she was in charge—trust me, she wasn’t! She had also been inexcusably rude to virtually every single member of the crew from Day One, and had over the days previous reduced several of them to tears. Production crews don’t take kindly to our own being treated in such a cavalier fashion, and while we’re generally fairly thick-skinned, there comes point where we want to get our own back. Believe me, after a week of constant abuse, we were coming up with creative ways of disposing of the body.

Although we didn’t realise I at the time, our saviour was at hand…but I digress…

Obviously star-struck, she announced in gushing tones that she would be taking personal charge of our star’s every need and that we were not to concern ourselves with that aspect: indeed, we were to “keep our place” as we were only the hired help. Our stage manager, who was at that time sweeping the stage, bridled at the suggestion and made as if to use his broom to beat the brains out of this woman. I had to step in front of him as unobtrusively as possible and stop him from burying the woman right there and then—“she ain’t worth it, mate.”

She then swanned off, leaving our star slack-jawed in amazement. She then turned to me and said, “Is that fucking woman for real?” I replied: “Darling, you have NO idea!”, at which point she laughed uproariously. I gave our star a brief summary of the previous few days' farrago and instantly, she became one of us and from then on we were all on first-name terms.

We then ran a full tech rehearsal from 3:00pm to 5:00pm, sorted out all our cues and then repaired to the beer tent with the cast for a spot of late lunch and a drink or two.

The show was scheduled to kick off at 7:30pm. At around 6:00pm, The Harridan reappeared to overlook the situation. She noticed that we had all the sides of the tent raised in order to get some air flowing through—remember it’s mid-summer and it’s currently low to mid 80s. She then demanded that all of the tent flaps be lowered because she wanted a more “theatre” atmosphere and the light spilling through the side walls would spoil the effect. Despite pointing out that dropping the tent sides would significantly raise the temperature in the venue, she demanded the sides be dropped, so despite our earnest advice to the contrary, we reluctantly complied.

At around 7:00pm, we saw eight 50-seat coaches arrive. To our amazement, out from the coaches came an entire flotilla of old-age pensioners, many on Zimmer frames, who proceeded to shuffle their way into the tent across the hard-core rubble underfoot. We discovered later that the organisers had forgotten to advertise the event anywhere (seriously??) and in desperation, had gone around to all the local Darby & Joan clubs a couple of days before handing out free tickets and laying on transport in order to have an audience.

So now we have 400-odd OAPs frantically fanning themselves with anything to hand as the temperature climbs ever higher. We start the show: everything’s going fine but the mercury in the thermometer I have strapped to the FOH rack is slowly going up and up: it’s so hot up at the sound desk that I’m down to my shorts!

By the end of Act 1, the temperature has gotten up to around 94°F and one could clearly see the old dears are in a bit of distress. Naturally, the organisers had neglected to provide water for the public, and judging by the horrified expressions of the two St John’s Ambulance first-aiders stationed either side of the stage, things were about to get a lot worse. I climbed off the tower, found the rigging crew and ordered the sides of the tent raised. No sooner had I done so than “our friend” standing nearby demanded that the sides stay down because "she was in charge" and "...her instructions were to be followed absolutely, no questions!"

It was at this juncture that diplomacy went completely out of the window. I informed her in no uncertain terms (and employing a fair amount of Anglo-Saxon vernacular) that it was in fact the crew who had the responsibility of ensuring the health and safety of all the people in the venue, not her, and that we have the legal authority to enact ANY procedure that we see fit at ANY time to ensure the safety and well-being of everyone present. I then informed her that I was now exercising my authority under The Health & Safety at Work Act 1974 to remediate the situation, and that if she made one single attempt to circumvent that authority, I would have her ejected from the venue without hesitation. She then got in my face and screamed, “I’M IN CHARGE!”. No strike one, no strike two, instant strike three!

I glanced over at two of our security crew who had been hovering in the background with huge shit-eating grins on their faces, who then stepped up either side of her. Defeated, but complaining like a banshee with a terminal case of haemorrhoids, she was escorted off the premises in short order.

By the time Act 2 kicked off, we’d gotten the temperature down to a more manageable low 70ºF, much to the appreciation of our audience, and the rest of the show went off without a hitch.

After the show, cast and crew—including our august star—repaired to the bar for a well-earned drink. Moments later, you-know-who appeared and in imperious tones informed us that our star was to be the guest of honour at a VIP reception for the various Docklands' bigwigs. With a tinge of regret for having our fun curtailed prematurely, we said our goodbyes to our star.

Now it gets interesting!

Not ten minutes later, she storms back into the beer tent with a face like absolute thunder. Taken somewhat aback by her reappearance, we enquired as to why she had returned.

“That fucking woman! She drags me off to this so-called ‘VIP party’: I get there and all that’s there are two fucking plates of curled-up ham sandwiches and two fucking boxes of cheap wine from Sainsburys! How the holy fuck did she get this job?

“I gave her a right bloody earful and came back here because I’d much rather drink with you guys!”

At which point she calls the barman over and orders a round for the entire crew. We spend the rest of the evening chatting away like old friends: she regaled us with stories of her life, and she was gracious enough to listen to some of ours. Despite us trying to buy her a drink, she refused point-blank and picked up the entire bar tab for the rest of the evening on the basis that “…you’ve had to put up with that fucking evil bitch all week: the least I can do get you folks a drink!”

All good things must come to an end and at the end of the evening, her chauffeur turns up to take her home. She embraces all of us as old friends: she hugs me, plants a big kiss on my lips and thanks me, whereupon I comment, “you have just fulfilled a boyhood dream!” Again, that uproarious laugh! She looks at me and says, “Don’t let that fucking bitch get you down! Leave it to me…”

I later discovered through the back-channels some weeks later that our bête-noir had been fired from her five-figure job for her monstrous screw-up, primarily because our star’s agent had ripped the organisers a new one in very short order; you do NOT fuck with someone of our star’s track record without there being consequences. So, although we were not directly responsible for The Harridan’s demise, we were gratified to have someone of our star’s calibre standing up for us.

Revenge is a dish best served cold!

Edit: corrected °C for °F.

(source) story by (/u/GhostOfSorabji)

#prorevenge #by /u/GhostOfSorabji #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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omgokiguess · 4 years

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wow guys i just got out of rehab today

first of all. it was so terrible except for some of the people there. but also a couple of the people there really sucked too.

the staff was TERRIBLE. they were literally so mean and power hungry. i was friends with basically every patient (except for the few shitty ones) and was really nice to them.... like i took in this innocent 20yo girl who started calling me her big sister and i helped this 21yo girl so much with her anxiety..... like i took care of everyone that i could and i stuck up for everyone that the staff treated like shit. and the staff was so fucking rude to me. the whole staff said so many times “we have no problem giving you extra phone time/computer time to take care of things like work, aftercare, legal problems, financial problems, etc” but literally every single time i asked to call work or call my lawyer or anything i got a no. it literally took me two full weeks to get things straightened out with exelon and i literally got let go from anthro because they would just not let me get on the phone so that’s cool. i never once was able to speak to my lawyer or my pre-trial officer. neat. also i got in a pretty heated fight with this one bitch employee who told me i was disrespectful because i asked her superior to open the laundry room for me because i had my period and needed new underwear out of the dryer. we were like screaming at each other and she ended up being sent home for four days. two guys actually ended up leaving randomly and left all their shit including their phones and wallets. that’s how bad the staff was.

the doctor was really good and knowledgeable and helpful and i really liked him. he was really chill. but i do have to say he really was pushing meds on not just me but everyone. i didn’t get on any meds though, and honestly one of the nurses congratulated me for not getting on meds when i left. i thought it was fucked up that i was the only person not on meds. we’re just alcoholics.... there’s no way we’re all fucking psychotic or something. nobody was on less than 2 meds besides me and i would say the average number of different meds was about 4 for somebody my age.

the staff just really frustrated me. it’s rehab so obviously there are a lot of rules for the sake of having rules and i honestly did not have a problem with the rules even though a lot of them were very silly. like you would not find me complaining about the unhealthy food, the fact that they said the gym would be open certain hours but was actually never open because they were “understaffed,” that our bathrooms were locked from 7:30am - 9:30pm and 25 people had to share two toilets, that there were essentially no covid-19 precautions, that somebody checked where i was every 15 minutes, that smoking a pack of cigarettes a day is okay but the juul is not, that i had to get the actual doctor to approve me using contact solution or allergy medication, or any other stupid thing they enforced. i literally only complained about the fact that i couldn’t talk to my employer(s), couldn’t talk to my lawyer, couldn’t talk to my pre-trial officer, couldn’t figure out my aftercare, couldn’t call my therapist, and that the staff spoke to me like i was either an idiot, a delinquent, or like i was a bitch.

i did put up one little stink though. this bitch that worked there, if we were in our rooms, when she checked on us she didn’t knock she just fucking opened up the door, so i decided to just chill in my room and read in the nude one day cause i knew she would just open the door without knocking... and wouldn’t it be fun for her to have to deal with the sight of my entire bush..... so i went for it lmao. she told the entire staff that she walked in on me LOL and the “director of operations” (this woman is truly a dumb cunt) asked my roommate, who was a 45 year old MD from lake forest, if she wanted to switch roommates (???) and dr. nancy my hero was like “um no i actually lucked out with erin and also diana should learn to knock.”

anyway, nancy and brittany my two fave people, left on the same day which really sucked but whatever. then sam left which also whatever... i loved her too. and then..... oh god i hate to admit this so much.... but then michael came in. he made it in 3-ish days before i left.

i literally have NO IDEA why this would be, but okay the protocol is before you go to rehab you go through alcohol detox in the hospital, so i was an inpatient in the hospital for 5 days. i slept through most of that because they put me on valium for those 5 days so that I wouldn’t experience the hells of alcohol withdrawal. i’m glad i was asleep for most of it though because there was nothing at all to do, they had like 3 different crossword puzzles and no TV but as it turns out..... i wasn’t in the alcohol detox section of the hospital.... for some reason they put me in the psychotic wing..... there were only 6 patients total in that wing and i was the only person living in reality. one woman escaped the hospital because she thought her husband was telling her to leave, and the other 4 men were handcuffed to their beds. i was the only person in there with any sense of reality, and i had gotten there in the middle of the night so i was unaware of other wings in the hospital. on my last night there, they moved me to “2 north” aka the normal alcohol detox wing, which probably had 100 people in it. so in the morning we all had breakfast together and i was like WHAT THE HELL..... I COULD HAVE MADE FRIENDS HERE.... and that’s when i met michael. i knew him for like a full 90 minutes total in inpatient but we were literally instant best friends. we met because some old men were telling me jokes trying to get me to laugh and he was sitting nearby and he was like “so how old are you like 35?” and i was like “you’ve got to be kidding me fuck you....” and he was like “yeah lol i’m kidding” and i was like playing back, like “so how old are you like 45?” cause he looked about 30 and he was like “yes” and i was like okay bullshit so he showed me his hospital band and it said 45..... and i was like okay this is ridiculous. anyway he had been to the rehab i was going to before so he told me about it and he gave me a note for sam and i just thought he was really cool. he was getting ECT treatments which is “a treatment most commonly used in patients with severe major depression or bipolar disorder that have not responded to other treatments. ECT involves a brief electrical stimulation of the brain while the patient is under anesthesia.” aka it’s literally where they put those diodes on your brain and shock you. he got 16 treatments. i thought he might end up back in rehab with me. but he spent like 2 full months in inpatient which is super abnormal, almost everyone is there for exactly 5 days like me. anyways

so michael shows up right before i leave and the big question is WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME...... i spent like 3 days with him nonstop and we can probably all see where this is going but.... this dumbass of course falls for him....???? there were some cuties in rehab and i had NO INTEREST in any of them but idk michael is just kind of.... the personality i’ve been looking for.

couple problems. 1. i have a boyfriend. 2. michael is 5′6″ .... (???) .... 3. i cannot get his fucking stupid smile out of my head and i’m hoping i was just sexually deprived for weeks and this is just a dumb thing BUT

idk my boyfriend like made all these promises of things he was going to do for me while i was in rehab and he kind of didn’t follow through on any of them. i really basically only told him and my sister that i’m going to rehab and my sister lives in boston and so i kind of assumed he would do the things he promised he would do, which clearly was stupid on my part. i can’t rely on him. i should have learned that by now... if i want something done i have to do it myself. i didn’t even ask very much of him. he basically promised four things. 1. he would take care of my guinea pigs. 2. he would check on my car to be sure it doesn’t get impounded 3. he would clean my room before i get back and 4. he would bring me the stuff i need (contact lenses to fucking see, hairbrush, tampons, other necessities) since they wouldn’t let me leave hospital care between detox and rehab. the only one of those he did was take care of my guinea pigs, which is essentially nothing because he goes to whole foods every day and his MAID cleaned their cage.

and idk, we were allowed 10 minutes of combined computer and phone time a day (which is literally nothing), and i always called him and ignored the computer because i thought he would want to hear from me and i would want to hear from him too, but at least 30% of the time i left phone time upset and crying. i mean i was turning my whole entire life around and it took him 13 days just to check to see that my car wasn’t impounded, and he had the audacity to complain that he was overwhelmed with all the stuff he had to deal with on my behalf even though it was literally just feeding my guinea pigs and then he had his own work shit. i suspect he’s taking more adderall than he should again. but i can’t even complain. his dad found the lawyer that may end up saving my life.

and anyway. he never ended up cleaning my room (he wasn’t even gonna clean it himself, he was going to hire someone to clean it and he couldn’t even do that even though he promised. i don’t need it i just kind of thought he was gonna keep his promise), and it took him 5 days to bring me the stuff i need. i kept in one pair of dailies for 5 days (i wore my last pair over from detox) and went blind for 2 days. my rehab was only 20 minutes from his house, a straight shot on the never-crowded 294. i left him with all of my debit cards and pins too, and bank logins so that he wouldn’t have to pay for anything i needed.

and idk then when i talked to him, whenever i complained about rehab he would just kind of be like “this is why you should have gone to PSI” which is where he went to rehab for marijuana.... which costs and arm and a leg because his dad will pay for anything for him and he doesn’t understand that i’m paying for this myself. and i didn’t want some cushy rehab. i mean yeah i didn’t want the staff to be such a load of cunts but i didn’t want his cushy frilly rehab experience. i would have really liked my program if there had just been better people working there. and he wanted to talk about my sobriety so much and like.... i don’t want to talk about it with him. idk in his head i think he thinks i’m taking his exact same journey and like i’m NOT. like it’s not even the same drug. he acts like he totally understands and it’s like... yes there is a lot he understands but there’s a lot that’s different and there’s no way ANY two patients ever went through the exact same thing, ESPECIALLY when it’s different drugs!!!!

and i’ve been with him since about 1p today (he was late to pick me up, it was supposed to be noon, which he promised he wouldn’t be late, and him being late was also something i brought up a lot in rehab because it caused me so much stress..... i just KNEW he was gonna be late and it caused me a lot of anxiety and i told him this so much and he was still late) (and anyway the point here is).... i’ve been with him since 1 and he just keeps saying weird stuff about alcohol. which is EXACTLY why i didn’t want anybody to know i was going to rehab. like after eating hospital food for weeks i wanted to go to a nice restaurant and most nice restaurants serve alcohol.... which is FINE like i was not gonna drink.... but he kept saying things like “we probably shouldn’t go to a pub” or “lake forest food and wine hmm better not go there” and it’s like..... i’m fucking HUNGRY i purposely didn’t eat the hospital food because i wanted to eat good food and it took us till 2:30pm to get somewhere because he felt the need to beat around the alcohol bush.... and every time alcohol came up in conversation (which just HAPPENS because that is how life is....) he’d be like oh sorry shouldn’t mention that and it’s like I CAN HANDLE IT..... i literally finally said to him “wow I’m so glad I didn’t tell anyone i went to rehab because if everybody talked to me the way you’re talking to me that would make me want to drink”

and also right before i went to rehab i told him i was afraid i wasn’t going to like him anymore if i was sober. and boy was i right. and adding michael in did not fucking help. i told myself i would never like somebody fucking shorter than me but i can’t fucking help it. i’ve never liked people for their looks anyway and his personality is just fucking perfect. i can’t get his voice and his smile out of my head. and i trust him to be sober. i really do. this was his first relapse in five years, and he only spent one month drinking before getting help. and i think we could be sober together.

idk maybe i was just so sex deprived that i was just horny or something. i don’t know.

i start online intensive outpatient tomorrow at noon. this week i have it wednesday thursday and friday but it’s gonna be different every week and somebody is going to at least speak with me every day. i’m doing it through derek’s practice and i told him to make sure i have a lot of homework.

i’m not sure how or when i’m going to get back to work. i don’t even really care though. i can always get another job. and after talking to my sister and working through some therapy at rehab, i almost think it’s best to move anyway. i think it would really help me to get away from my parents.

idk. my life is just so in limbo right now. i can stay on FMLA leave for 3 months and on my upcoming court date, that will mark one month. i think it might be wise to use the whole three months. it also might not be wise though because i need things to do. maybe if i could just get back to anthro.....

anthro terminated me in the weirdest way and i think my lawyer can get my job at anthro back for me with a simple letter. that might be the best thing for me right now.

not to mention.... i haven’t been back to my apartment yet but.... the gold coast has been destroyed. i don’t know what i’m going back to at this point. this is really sad sad sad to say but i don’t think i will be living downtown chicago anymore, once i find some other solution or once this lease expires, i’m leaving. maybe i’ll stay in chicagoland but probably not. if i do stay in chicagoland i’m gonna be living in the suburbs. but i think it only makes sense to get out of here. i think it makes sense to go to the southeast. florida or atlanta or north carolina or virginia. california is always on the mind too but to move there i think i need to be really really confident in my sobriety.

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love-hope-faith-feels-like-a-lie · 4 years

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50 questions you’ve never been asked!

Tagged by the lovely @lorelaigilmo, thanks 💕

1. what is the colour of your hairbrush? Black because I’m basic like that.

2. a food you never eat? Tomatoes and mushrooms are just a no no for me.

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold, to the point my mum gets worried sometimes at me being so cold.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? Reading.

5. what is your favourite candy bar? Kinder bueno is the first thing that came to mind, so I guess that.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event? Nope.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? ‘She didn’t even close the door properly.’ I said that to myself as I got up to close my bedroom door.

8. what is your favourite ice cream? Idk, there are so many good flavours that I love, so I guess anything with cookie dough.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? Some H2O.

10. do you like your wallet? Yeah, I’ve had it for years now and I really need to get a new one but haven’t gotten around to doing so.

11. what was the last thing you ate? French toast.

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nope, of course not. Why would you think that? Definitely not planning on buying clothes this week too, haha, totally not.

13. the last sporting event you watched? There was some sort of football match on tv, but I stood up and left the room when it was on tv. Wasn’t in the mood to watch any sports.

14. what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? My go to for movie night is sweet. But if I’m making my own, i’ll add so butter on it and add sugar which is really nice. I also quite enjoy the carmel one but rip to my teeth anytime I have any.

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? My bestie.

16. ever go camping? I’ve never been but I really want to.

17. do you take vitamins? Use to take them on and off but recently I’ve been consistent in taking them.

18. do you go to church every sunday? Nope, but I keep telling myself that I really should and that I will, but when sunday comes round I don’t go. Mostly because I’m lazy as hell.

19. do you have a tan? I wished. I usually get a little bit of a tan when I go on holiday during the summer but right now I’m looking like Casper. At least i’m friendly.

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza? Pizza is always my go to because It’s what I have more of but love them both and if given the choice I’ll happily feast on both.

21. do you drink your soda with a straw? I can do but I hardly ever drink sodas. They’re not really something I enjoy drinking.

22. what colour socks do you usually wear? A mixture of colours, from black to light pink. Currently wearing light blue socks.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? I don’t drive, yet.

24. what terrifies you? Dying. Not being good enough. Failing. A whole lot of stuff that if I keep going will open a can of worms that I won’t be able to shut.

25. look to your left, what do you see? My water bottle, glass with water in it and a Gilmore girls framed poster one of my besties got me for my bday, all on my table.

26. what chore do you hate? Don’t really hate any. Kinda like cleaning. Yep, I’m weird like that but cleaning the bathroom is always long so I guess that’s my least favourite.

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? I think about Chase from House Md.

28. what’s your favourite soda? Not really into sodas, like I rather just have a soft drink or even water but If I had to pick it would be coca-cola cherry.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Well, I don’t have a car so I have no choice but to walk in like a scrub.

30. who’s the last person you talked to? My Mum.

31. favourite cut of beef? Idk, as long as it’s cooked well and tastes good I kinda don’t care.

32. last song you listened to? Currently listening to Hardest to Love, by The Weeknd.

33. last book you read? Finished Red Queen by Christina Henry the other day and started her new book Looking Glass.

34. favourite day of the week? It’s currently Wednesday because that’s when Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist airs in the UK. But when I was still in Uni it was Friday because that’s when I had my classic movie nights.

35. can you say the alphabet backwards? Not without struggling the whole time.

36. how do you like your coffee? I don’t. I’m not a coffee girl which is sad because Lorelai and Rory would definitely be disappointed but oh wells, it just doesn’t agree with me.

37. favourite pair of shoes? My navy and black converses. I’ve used my navy ones so much that the colour on them look more like a really dirty light blue. Really need to buy new ones. Maybe that might be my next shopping purchase.

38. at what time do you normally go to bed? Around 12-1am but that might change once I’ve finished with my uni exam.

39. at what time do you normally get up? Around 8-9 am

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Sunsets because i’m very up early to see the sunrise but it's nice too.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? Normally one but it’s been oddly warm lately here and I’ve had to take it off the bed or I would have melted.

42. describe your kitchen plates. Mostly white, but we also have some polka dot ones

43. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? Any cocktail really. Gin Martini is pretty good the odd times I’ve made some for me and my mum.

44. do you play cards? Yeah, I love card games. Fav is Blackjack (Switch) played it a lot with my friends back in the day.

45. what colour is your car? We don’t have a car in London but our family car in Madeira is blue with a slight hint of green in it.

46. can you change a tire? Nope but I’ve helped my dad change one last summer.

47. what is your favourite province? *Shrugs* No idea.

48. favourite job you’ve ever had? Probably when I was helping with the summer school program at my school, that was years ago but it was fun and it’s crazy I was getting paid for basically just chilling with other students.

49. how did you get your biggest scar? Burnt my arm on the iron. My mum had just used it and it was on the window so it could cool down. I didn’t know it was hot and when I passed by my arm hit the edge of the iron and burned it.

50. what did you do today that made someone else happy? Helped my mum with some stuff she needed.

This was fun to do and longer than expected.

Tagging: @schnoogles @property-of-jason-todd @supernovaexplosion @harleyquins @regalmadness and anymore who wants to do this too, go ahead.

#tagged #get to know me a little

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arabellaflynn · 4 years

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Life continues. Kind of.

I have a place to go as of this end of this month, although I still have no idea how the fuck to move my stuff during Plague Times. I don't own that much, but I also don't have a car. I am tempted to not bother moving the mattress, but I am very much afraid that if I don't I will literally never manage to own a comfortable bed ever again. Being someone who discombobulates joints on a regular basis, not being in extra pain every time I wake up is kind of important for my quality of life. I could eventually figure out how to replace the futon I use as a topper, but a futon alone is not enough padding -- I've learned the hard way that I can very much feel the hard floor or the hard pipes of a futon frame through one of those things, and it is Not Good for my sleep.

Massachusetts is, as of this writing, continuing with their re-opening plan. We've hit the phase where the dance studio has been cleared for operation, with appropriate procedures. I'm going back. Like millions of other people, I have a job that I cannot properly do without at least some access to specialized work spaces. In my case, dance is also a substitute for physical therapy that is far more expensive and difficult to access than it ought to be. I've kept myself in reasonably good nick over the past four months, but there's a lot that I just can't do. Two of three housemates work from home, both involving teleconferencing, and I can't get to the bathroom or kitchen without going through the common spaces, so I'm more or less stuck in my bedroom during working hours. There's nothing I can use as a barre in here, and not enough room to spin, kick, or use props without whacking something, and I'm not sadistic enough to do anything rambunctious in the kitchen at 2 am.

Not gonna lie, it's reassuring that one of the instructors who opted to come back is actually an MD moonlighting as a dancer. His day job is with Harvard Public Health. Masks are required, but since we've dropped the standard from "filter virus particles" to "try not to breathe too moistly on your fellow man", I've got some I can deal with. (Moisture-wicking t-shirt fabric! The mask eventually gets damp, but it stays away from both other people and my own personal face, which is what you want.) It's not fun but I also didn't pass out during class, so that's something.

Other people are freaking the fuck out. I want it noted that what MA is doing is exactly the thing I have been advocating for months: Giving people the option (but not the requirement) to go out into the world and interact with others, with harm reduction practices. You cannot keep people locked in their houses forever. You can issue the order, but they're not going to do it. Counting on "never go out" to stop the spread of coronavirus is like counting on "never have sex" to stop the spread of HIV. You can try to apply official consequences, and unofficial shaming, but people are going to sneak out and fuck anyway. They just won't tell you. And, as we are now finding out for unrelated reasons, there do not exist enough police officers in the world to make everyone do as you say.

Everyone is aware of the assholes who think the very concept of a mask is an infringement of their human rights, but I find the pathologically cautious almost as upsetting. There is a loud minority who think nothing should re-open at all anywhere until it's "safe". I'm not sure what they think "safe" means. No chance of catching anything ever? That level of safety never existed. You just don't think about measels and MRSA and TB and tularemia and Lyme disease because those are normal risks that have been around all your life. Leprosy continues to be a thing, you know. I went to college on the edge of the Colorado Plateau, where bubonic plague and hantavirus are endemic. I could argue that if you never got a warning letter about mono or meningitis when you were in the dorms, you didn't have the full residential campus experience. Wash your hands, keep your distance, try not to breathe on other people, and realize that you cannot control every single variable in the entire universe. There is a non-zero chance that Fate will kick you in the head every time you get out of bed in the morning. I am a pedestrian in Greater Boston, ffs, I have accepted my own mortality. You can't be "totally safe". You can be "safe enough".

The Late Show is back from hiatus. Colbert is badly in need of a haircut; he slicked it back on the first Monday but opined that the look was a little too "Don Jr" for him, and vowed to come on camera without hairspray after that. Judging from the headbanging a couple nights later, he meant it. He did the first few home tapings in a suit (although, as he demonstrated to camera, no shoes), but then Twitter told him they'd rather see him more casual, so he's been wearing button-ups with the sleeves rolled to the elbow. Gray has started to come in at his temples. I'm sure he could fix that at home if he really wanted to, but he's opted to point it out on camera instead.

He's even more contemptuous of 45 than he was when they were still taping in the theater, which I was not sure was physically possible. Our TV comedians are making stirring speeches about working together whilst our actual President babbles nonsense about dishwashers. I want to ask how this happened but I'm pretty sure I know. People who have no good options have been known to choose the bad option that takes the enemy down with them. Although I feel the need to point out that Joe Exotic also ran for POTUS in 2016. We all started quarantine watching Tiger King on Netflix and the Drumpf debacle on CSPAN -- if we had all voted for the other reality TV idiot, we could potentially have 100% juicier sex scandals and 100% less interference with the CDC right now.

I wonder how Colbert is coping with all this. When he first took over the Late Show, he did a bunch of interviews where he talked about the difficulty of finding a balance between being your authentic self on stage, and still being performative enough to read well to the back of the house and keep the show rolling along. If he made great strides in his first year out of character, quarantine production has sent him into freefall in the same direction. I find it disquietingly relevant to my own life. I'm about to embark on a couple of projects that will mean I have to stay physically and mentally camera-ready, or at least ready to be camera-ready, pretty much all the time for a while, but first I have to figure out what I think camera-ready looks like for me, and how much work I'm willing to put into it.

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mylymedlife · 6 years

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This Story Will Make You Mad.

When you have chronic lyme disease, it can be very hard to know who or what to trust. This story is a perfect example.

When I was diagnosed with chronic lyme disease in 2013, I was also diagnosed with hypothyroidism, as I had low T3, which is a hormone produced by the thyroid gland. I had an unusual situation, as I had low T3, but normal TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone). Normally, if you have low T3, you also have high TSH. But I didn’t.

Apparently, this was cause for concern, as one situation that produces low T3 and normal TSH is a brain tumor. So, my lyme doctor ordered an MRI of my brain. You can bet I was super relaxed about that. Thankfully, I did not have a brain tumor. Thus, my doctor said the lyme infection in my brain (it breaks through the blood brain barrier in the first 48 hours) was interrupting the communication between my hypothalamus and my pituitary gland. The two need to be on good speaking terms in order for the thyroid to function properly.

My lyme doctor recommended thyroid hormones. This turned into a major discussion, because a functional medicine doctor I was seeing at the time implored me not to take the thyroid hormone. He basically said it would goof everything up and that there were more natural ways of dealing with my thyroid issues.

At the time I was dealing with severe fatigue. As in, we were on a previously planned trip to Disney and I had to use a mobility scooter because there was no way I could have walked the park. That kind of fatigue. Can you imagine?

I didn’t know who to believe about the thyroid medication, but I knew something needed to change in the way I felt, so against my better judgement, I decided to take the thyroid hormone.

I have seen two different lyme doctors since the one who originally prescribed the thyroid hormone, and they both recommended I stay on it. Over the years, my T3 levels were closely monitored, with blood draws very six to eight weeks, followed by medication adjustments, if necessary.

Fast forward to fall of 2017. Suddenly, I’m having all sorts of issues with regulating my body temperature. I have a history of always being cold, but suddenly I was always hot. Like, really hot. I spent the harsh Minnesota winter in a sweat. Sometimes I’d walk around the house half naked. I’d be in a public space, and I’d note I was wearing a t-shirt while everybody else was bundled up in sweaters and jackets.

I know what you are thinking. Menopause. While I am of a certain age, I’m still menstruating, so that wasn’t the issue.

When you are being treated for chronic lyme disease, you tend to move away from traditional western medicine practitioners, because they look at you like you are crazy when you say you have lyme disease. It gets old.

But the body temperature thing was really bugging me, and I had a hunch it had something to do with my thyroid. So, I made an appointment with an endocrinologist.

After starting the meeting with the standard “I know you don’t recognize this, but I have chronic lyme disease” conversation, I told the doctor about my past thyroid issues, along with my current symptoms and medications.

He asked to see my blood work from before I started the thyroid hormones, which I had on hand. Sadly, I’m a pro at this, and anticipated his request. He then asked the million dollar question. He said “How much did you weigh when this blood work was done?” I told him I didn’t know for sure, as it was many years ago, but I guessed it was south of a hundred pounds.

To which he said “I don’t think you were hypothyroid. I think you were starving. When your weight gets too low, things don’t work right.”

When he said that, tears literally popped out of my eyes and rolled down my face. I didn’t even care. I was completely unselfconscious about it. Why was I crying? First, I never wanted to take those damn thyroid hormones in the first place, and it turned out I never needed to. So, that pissed me off. Second, it just reinforced how difficult it is to navigate the lyme jungle. I had not one, but three lyme doctors tell me I had lyme related hypothyroidism, and that it was critical for me to take the medication. In that moment, I was just so exhausted on navigating conflicting medical opinions.

The lyme doctors didn’t make any money off the medication, so I can only believe they had the best of intentions, but still. It’s just infuriating. There are many risks associated with taking thyroid hormones, and it turns out I unnecessarily exposed myself to those risks for four years. Not to mention, taking thyroid hormones is a huge pain in the butt. You have to take them first thing in the morning, one hour before any food, drink or other medication. Psychologically, it never made me feel good to roll out of bed and pop a pill first thing. It just sends the wrong message. I’m sick. I need medication to function. I hated starting my day that way, and I’m getting mad all over again as I write this.

But back to my appointment with the endocrinologist. Once he handed me a tissue and I stopped crying, he suggested I discontinue the thyroid hormones, and then come in for a blood draw in three weeks, once the medication fully cleared my system.

You can already see where this is going. My thyroid labs were completely normal. I was taking medication for no reason. In fairness, I have gained 26 pounds in the last two years, so that likely has something to do with my T3 levels coming back into the normal range.

Two things have happened since I discontinued the thyroid hormone:

Over the course of a few months, my body temperature issues resolved, and I am no longer overheating.

I started to gain weight at an increased clip.

When I noticed my increased weight gain seemed to coincide with discontinuing the hormone medication, I emailed the endocrinologist to ask if there was a correlation. He said there absolutely was. So, all these years, when I have been struggling to gain weight, the thyroid hormones were playing a role in holding me back. My GI system is still totally whacked, so I can’t put all the blame on the thyroid medication, but let’s just say it wasn’t helping anything.

I’m still pretty mad about all this. Yes, it’s true, I did have low T3 at one point. But I’ve learned it’s also true that not all thyroid deficiencies need to be treated, particularly if there is an extenuating circumstance, such as dramatic weight loss.

Here is the moral of the story. You know that expression “to a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” I think that’s also true of many lyme doctors -- everything looks like lyme to them. And that’s my advice today -- if you have chronic lyme, or chronic anything, be on the lookout. It’s too easy for doctors to just blame everything on your chronic condition.

For whatever reason, I always had a nagging feeling my thyroid issue was not lyme related, but I never acted on my hunch because I had three people who had gone to medical school telling me I needed to be on medication, and I figured they were in a better position to know that than I was. Well, that turned out to be misplaced trust.

I am sad to say that after nearly five years navigating the mess of chronic lyme disease, I truly don’t know who to believe or who to trust. I think the fact of the matter is nobody has chronic lyme completely figured out. Not western medicine doctors, not functional medicine doctors, not lyme literate MDs. Nobody. Everybody has their own theories, and I believe they believe them. And I think most practitioners who treat lyme patients have nothing but good intentions. But I can’t help feeling like a human guinea pig.

We are still on the frontier of this epidemic, and until it gets more attention from the CDC and Western Medicine, there’s not going to be a standard treatment protocol, which means people are going to continue to struggle to get proper care, and will occasionally get sent down errant rat holes, as I did.

I realize this is more negative than I tend to be, but lyme disease is a bitch, and people who suffer from it have to work way too hard to get well, as they are simultaneously fighting the disease and the system.

I know things could be much worse, and I need to hang on to that perspective. I have learned so much from being sick, and I would never give those lessons back. But lyme disease has taken much from me, and I have sadness and anger about that. Buy I will never stop trying to regain what I’ve lost. Never. Ever.

#chroniclyme #chroniclymedisease #chronic lyme disease #lyme #lymedisease #thyroid #hypothyrodism

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sarcazious-jimes · 3 years

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God Damn Anxiety

I am SO sick of anxiety. Jill’s Delaney’s My own. And now... Jake’s has taken center stage. I mean, seriously... It feels like it has become one of the very few options on the table for conversation. Regular Anxiety, What’s for Dinner Anxiety, and Money Anxiety. These are currently the big three topics of conversation in our lives right now. They rotate, but are pretty much on a continuous loop. Occasionally, Mercury will go into retrograde which somehow provides a special mystery “What the hell does that even mean?” treat for me.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day of “re-connection” for Jill and I. Her anxiety meds have put a huge damper on our sex life. Her anxiety about Jake walking in on us has just about killed it. I feel like she looks at sex as a chore. She almost requires a hotel room away from Jake or for Jake to be away to even consider it. I find myself feeling resentful towards him and then I feel really awful that I feel that way.

Jake was invited to go to Ocean City, MD with his friend, his mom, and a couple other boys. Ocean City is about 4 hours (depending on traffic) from Lancaster, PA. His anxiety about traveling right now is really intense. We knew that this could potentially be an issue and tried to talk to him about it before he left. We explained to him that this place was 4 hours away and it was not like just sleeping over at a friend’s house where we could come and get him. We said that if he chose to go, we would not be coming to get him. But...That’s exactly what I had to do yesterday. 4 hours down. 3 and half back. The events that triggered the anxiety attack(s): He “got water in his mouth” in the ocean. Total meltdown while on the beach. This FaceTime call at 10:45 am on Sunday that finally triggered the 7.5 hours of driving. This was after several Facetime calls between 4 am and 5:15 after waking up in the condo and being unable to get himself back to sleep. Saturday evening, on the way down, he had eaten ice cream in Rehobeth Beach before getting to O.C. and was worried about getting back in the car. Damn near hyperventilating on the phone. He worries that he is going to throw up because he did the first time it happened while on the way to Pittsburgh. He gets worked up about it and then literally starts to freak out. That terrible tightness you get in your throat when you’re crying really hard? It terrifies him to the point that he calls out for help. He wanted to get out of the car on Coastal Highway (one of the most dangerous roads that I have ever been on) to “get some air.” He started flailing around in the front seat and kicking the dashboard when I told him that he could not. It is very hard to watch and listen to. It makes me feel helpless as a parent unless I do something that I’m not sure I should be doing... Yelling. Loud. I rarely yell, so when I do, it is shocking to him. I explained it to Jill yesterday, as if I were “scaring the hiccups out of someone.” It worked yesterday, but obviously, I don’t want to be that harsh towards him. I had a similar fear when I was around his age that I would not be able to find a bathroom if I needed one. The similarities between Jake and I are amazing. Jill also sees a lot of similarities between she and him. We are going have him start seeing a therapist soon. I wish that I would have gone when I was his age, but that was just...not a “normal” thing back in 1982.

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