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bonny-kookoo · 3 years

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Mean (JJK x Reader) 💜☁️✴️🔞

💸 Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

💸 Genre: Mafia!AU, Single Parent AU!, Angst, fluff, Smut

💸 Warnings: bad language aka cursing, mentions of cheating, mentions of illegal business, manhandling and not the nice kind, tsundere Jungkook, it’s not like he likes you duh, guns, description of violence, restriction of movement and not in a kinky way, protected sex because dude he’s got one kid okay that’s enough, unconventional romance, choking, near death experience, angst did I mention angst

💸 Summary: Jeon Jungkook was kinda cute, you had to admit that- but he was also a massive douchebag with his head up his ass. And a cute kid.

A/N: First of all, I want to apologize to anyone I might dissapoint with this. I've changed up the story concept numerous times- and the first trailer is in no way a proper teaser anymore, since it has nothing to do with this story anymore. I somehow hope you still enjoy the story however. If not- I hope you'll stick around for future content!

Taglist: @drumsofheaven @yzkyzkuniverse @strwberrybtch @kirbykook @teresaisla @park-hera-gi @justzeera @taestannie @bambuzlee (there were several people I couldn’t tag- I’m sorry about that!)

Jeon Jungkook was facing his worst enemy.

Now, considering his work and all those rumors going on about him, this could be anything really; from an entire army storming his house, to readying himself for waterboarding. But no, this enemy he was currently standing across from was way more vile and difficult to get under control. The situation was slowly growing desperate on his side- this was a life and death situation.

"Mina, come on now." Jungkook pleaded as the toddler vehemently refused to raise her arms properly so he could slip on her dress for the day. He could understand her, to an extend- he wasn't a morning person either, but he had to overcome this in order to be successful- and she had to as well.

Well, success was not really that important at her age, but getting her to daycare definitely was.

"Mina I have a meeting soon and if you continue to be a brat I can't send you off again properly." He tried, knowing how much she hated him leaving in a rush like usually. He'd promised her the day prior as he'd tucked her into bed that he would, this time, at least stay until her friends had arrived, yet he couldn't have known that this situation would occur the next morning.

Sometimes being a single father was way worse than anything he was facing at his actual job.

"There we go!" He cheered as she finally caved in, pouting a bit before she giggled at the silly face her father was making in order to get her to smile. He hated sending her off in a foul mood, knowing that she could be an absolute devil's child if she felt like it. In a way, she was very similar to him, which was to be expected with her mother not being in the picture. He didn't mind it much, however- a cheating spouse was not really what he wanted by his side, if he was being entirely honest with himself. It was enough already knowing that almost all of his 'friends' and 'business partners' were shameless liars. He didn't need to live and raise a child with one as well.

"Tiger!" The young girl cheerfully exclaimed, as the both made their way into the kitchen. It wasn't just a random comment from her side, because her chubby hand already pointed at the cereal box designed with colorful images on the counter, way too high for her but perfectly reachable for her father as he chuckled, balancing her on his hip as he prepared a small bowl for her.

"No funny business though, young lady." He said, as he sat down with her at the table. "We don't have to hurry, but we can't waste time either." He explained, as he watched her eat her breakfast with a concentrated face. He smiled at the picture, sometimes wishing this would be how his days would always start. Sadly, that wasn't the case- most of the times really, her nanny took her to daycare.

Which was another problem.

Her nanny had recently filed in for her termination, her age getting to her as she finally made the decision to settle down for her last years of life, she'd said. He accepted it without much resistance, having build too much respect for the elderly woman over the course of time by now. It left him with a gaping hole however, one that he knew he needed to fill.

But with who?

He couldn't just hire anybody for Mina at this point in his life. People needed to be fully trustworthy to be even given knowledge of his child at all. Most didn't even know she existed- the public unaware of her relation to him. He kept the facade up that she was merely the child of a close friend, just to keep her out of range of any potential enemies he had gathered over time.

His life really wasn't fit for a child at all, but what was he supposed to do?

"Y/N!" A small voice exclaimed behind you, making you look around from where you were cutting apples as the small child appeared.

"Mina!" You answered just as brightly, picking her up as she giggled excitedly. "Did you have breakfast yet?" You asked, as another daycare worker came inside.

"Yeah!" She said, and you looked at her surprised. "Daddy and I had breakfast!" She explained, as you placed her back down onto the ground. "He'ven brought me here today!" She said, and you hummed affirmatively,

"That sounds awesome!" You said, as she beamed up at you. "Why don't you go sit at the table, we're almost having our morning snack. You think you can eat some apples?" You asked, and she proudly nodded, before zooming off, stumbling a bit as she missed the slight gap of the door.

"He didn't come inside." Jenny said, as she watched the little girl sit down next to a boy her age. "I saw that he was sitting in his car, but she got out herself." She explained further, as you continued cutting the apples and making some cuts to have them resemble a bunny. "I swear to god-" She started, as you cut her off.

"We don't know what his life is like, Jenny." You said, as she huffed. "It's not our kid, it's not our life. She isn't unhappy, she's healthy, she's not mistreated. Case closed." You explained further as you discarded the scraps of apple unneeded in the trash, before rinsing the knife you'd used. "I'm not too happy about it either, but we're not her mother." You said, as you dried your hands.

Jenny sighed. "I know, but like-" She said, walking over to you to help you place the banana slices and grapes as well. "She's such a sweet kid. I don't know, but he seems like such a dick honestly. Like, have you heard his phonecall last week?" You snorted. Everyone did at this point.

Mina had had a minor incident, when she'd stumbled and fell. She'd scraped her knee, cried a little, but after a moment everything had been fine again. He however, had been livid upon finding out his daughter had been hurt, even though the scratches didn't even need a bandaid. Even though he'd only been on the phone with your superior, he'd made such a scene out of it that it became like local news around the daycare.

"I still don't know what the fuck that was about." Jenny exclaimed, taking a sip of her coffee as she kept an eye on the kids in the main room. "Like, yeah, she fell, but nothing happened." She said, and you agreed.

Shrugging, you grabbed some plates and napkins, and looked at Jenny. "Again." You reminded her. "As harsh as it sounds, you know me." Jenny sighed.

"I know."

You took back everything you had said this morning.

This prick had the audacity to keep you waiting for more than two hours now, without reacting to any amount of phonecalls you'd done by now. Mina was almost asleep on your lap, and you were angry to say the least. This was supposed to be your last day of work for a week, you were supposed to be curled up on your couch in nothing but underwear and fluffy socks, hidden by a blanket and eating icecream while watching netflix. You were definitely not supposed to sit here at your daycare until even the janitor was about to go home. "Fuck it." You mumble, carefully balancing the young girl on your hip as you grab your bag and keys.

You wave the janitor and cleaning staff goodbye on their way out, and take out your phone for a bus or subway that could drive close to where Mina's address is- but you notice there is nothing in her jacket written that you could use as one. You instead simply call the number written down for emergencies, and wait as it rings.

once.

twice.

"Hello?"

You are a bit taken aback by the voice on the other line, masculine, but clearly not as old as you'd thought he'd sound. "Uh, yeah, this is Mina's daycare, you mind picking her up these days, or not?" You casually say, Mina moving around a bit as to bring her thumb close to her lips. You internally coo at her.

"Shit! Fuck- I, where are you?" He asks, and you furrow your brows. Where the hell does he think you are, or does he seriously not know where his daughters daycare is? Wait, is that even her father?

"I- listen, am I even talking to her father or who is this?" You ask, and suddenly you feel extremely uncomfortable. This was a bad idea, what if this isnt her dad at all? You could loose your job for this!

"Yeah, yes. Listen I'm gonna send someone to pick her up alright? Should be there in an hour or so." He says as if frustrated, and you scoff, making him question you on the other line as if he was just struck by thunder. "Excuse me?" He says, voice low, but you're not intimitated.

"First of all, I'm not convinced. Second of all, and pardon my french, but are you nuts?! It's already way too late for her to be up, and I've finished my shift hours ago!" You complain, and he clears his throat over the line, clearly unhappy about your lack of understanding.

"Jeon Mina has a small beauty mark underneath her lower lip, she hates strawberries for some reason, and her biggest secret is that she is actually scared of unicorns. There, happy?" He grits out, and you chew on your lip. He was good. "Second of all, Miss." He makes sure to pronounce every word. "You're getting paid to look after my kid. If that's all you want I'm paying you extra for the inconvenience-" Oh boy, there we go.

"If I cared about your stupid money I would've called authorities hours ago, S.I.R." You start, careful to tone your voice down as to not wake her up. "And you know what, thats a great Idea actually! Let me just-" You begin, but he cuts you off with a sound that sounds awfully like a door closing.

"Fuck you, I'm there in 20." He says.

Jeon Jungkook was not too fond of woman.

That much was clear ever since he'd been cheated on and left with a kid, but it had always been like that. It wasn't like he was afraid of them, or didn't like them, it was more like, during his life, woman had been the reason for heartbreak and bad news all along. His mother had been an alcoholic, his dad desperately trying to get her back on track. His sister had been involved into shady business early on, a wild child that would do anything to get on peoples nerves. His aunt, which only ever visited to gain money. Women were bad news.

So his own surprise had been very prominent when he spotted you on the bench with his kid in your arms,her chubby arms clinging onto you like a koala. You seemed to be reading something on your phone, careful not to point the device too close to Mina so she wouldn't be disturbed. You were pretty, he had to admit that, even from far away- and you seemed like a confident person, from what he'd heard over the phone. You suddenly noticed him as he drove a bit closer, car tires crunching the gravel and snow underneath while his headlights shut off, to not blind you both. He stepped out, as you woke Mina up to announce to her that her father had finally arrived.

"Daddy!" She screached sleepily, running towards him with stumbling legs. He picked her up with a smile before he turned around, having every intention to buckle her up in his backseat as you came closer.

"Huh. Mind telling me why I shouldn't inform authorities about this?" You asked, and he huffed out a breath with a roll of his eyes, pulling out his wallet. You simply stood there, arms crossed, not at all fazed by the amount of money he held in front of you- you simply raised your eyebrow. "I mean, if money could talk I'd ask your bills, sure. But that right there isn't an answer." You replied, and he gritted his teeth, jaw clenching. Why were you being so difficult.

"Okay, how much?" He said, and you suddenly moved, shifted, as if absolutely offended by his offer.

"Do I look like a streetworker to you sir?" You said, and he closed his eyes for a moment, until another car seemed to pull up.

"You're getting picked up." He says, ready to step into his car as you look at him with confusion. "You don't know them?" He asks, and you shake your head, having every intention to check as he notices something familiar peeking out of one of the car windows. As if on autopilot, he rips his passenger side open, pushes you in, and runs to get inside the drivers seat.

There are shots fired, Mina is holding her hands over her ears as she simply stares at you, who is absolutely shell-shocked.

What the hell just happened?

So yeah, that's how you got here-

In a room that looked awfully like the interrogation rooms in your late night netflix crime shows. There was someone sitting in front of you- Mina's father, watching you, like you were going to do anything. But you were as quiet as a mouse, not saying anything.

"So you didn't know them? At all?" He questioned for the second time in the past ten minutes, and you shook your head. "Hard to believe. Then again, why would you ever tell me that your Dad's brother was sentenced to two years for escorting drugs- only getting two years because he snitched." He said, and your eyes widened.

"Okay what the hell-" You started, but he cut you off.

"Oh, I hit a nerve-" But you weren't having it.

"Oh an I'm gonna hit your pretty nose if you don't stop cutting me off!" You said, making him smirk. For some reason, this was quite entertaining to him- the only woman he ever had in here were so keen on keeping up that shy and innocent facade, that you were a breath of fresh air. "Listen, I don't know why you decided to dig up things that happened when I was literally a TODDLER- or how you even got that information - I swear to god I will really break your nose!" You ended as he had tried to speak again, making him chuckle.

If you weren't being held captive after getting your night ruined you might as well would've thought that was pretty hot.

"I was five years old- I had nothing to do with it, and my dad had no contact whatsoever with his brother after what had happened." You explained. "If you can find that, you can also find that I haven't had contact with my family in years either." You said, leaning back, as he spoke.

"I did. Which is quite confusing to me." He said.

You suddenly went stone cold on him. "It really isnt that deep." You said.

"Were you avoiding them?" He asked. "Because of what happened? Or because your dad got involved into something?"

"Because they're dead." You said.

Well. This was something that made him actually stop and think for a second. He did dig into that nasty part of your family, but he never looked further- their death was something he had overlooked. And by your reaction as you said it, the way you said it, he knew that you weren't lying. "Alright." He said. "But you do realize that I can't just let you go like that, right?" He said.

"Figured." You said. "So, should I stand facing against the wall or with my back against it so you can aim better?" You said, and he took a deep breath. Technically, yes, that would be a logical outcome.

"Neither." He said, and you raised your eyebrow. "I have an offering." He said, and your entire body went stiff, arms crossing in front of your chest. A pure sign of whatever he was going to say, your first reaction would be no. "I need a nanny for Mina." He said, and your lips parted, confusion clear on your face.

He almost thought it was kind of cute.

"You what?" You said.

"I need a nanny for Mina." He repeated. "It's a win-win situation for both of us if you think about it. You get to- in a way- keep your job and a bonus in terms of payment, and I will have someone to take care of Mina. And I also don't have to put a bullet into your pretty little head." He said, leaning forward with the last words.

"This isn't really a question, isn't it?" You said, and he laughed.

"You're smart- I like you."

„But that’s not how daddy does it..“ she wonders, as you tie her shoes for her, before looking up into her eyes. She really does resemble her father. Well, a more innocent version, that is.

„Well everyone does it differently.“ you say, well aware that there were numerous ways to tie a simple bow. „Your daddy probably has learned it from someone who does it like he does. I learned it from my dad.“ you explained as you went to pick up her backpack, carrying it for her as she took your hand.

„yours looks prettier tho!“ she exclaimed happily, a skip in her step as she kept looking at her shoes with a smile. You grinned, a sense of pride filling you. „Daddy‘s always looks crooked on one side-„ she said, before a voice broke through the sweet moment.

„You hurt me Princess. You always said they look nice.“ he hummed from his spot in the doorway, leaned on the frame, looking at you with something you could only describe as unsatisfied, while shooting his daughter a smile.

What the hell have you done wrong now?

This had been something going on for months now. Ever since you started working for him as a nanny, Mina had been nothing but a ray of sunshine- but he, he was not even a raincloud. He was the angry grinch miltiplied by a hundred, ready to piss everyone off twenty-five-eight. Somehow everything you did wasn't up to his standards; the way you cooked for Mina, the way you dressed her, hell, even right now with the way you tied a fucking bow.

You really hoped next time he washed his hands, his sleeves would roll down.

"There's an emergency gun underneath the back-" He started as Mina was out of listening-reach.

"I won't use it." You said.

Jungkook had tried to get you trained at least in the basics of guns- but you practically had an allergy to it, refusing to so much as touch one. He didn't quite know what your problem was, but after a while, he had given up on it- simply sending one of his guards with you whenever he could. By now, you were an easy target as well if found alone, so you had joined him in his place, occupying one of the larger guest rooms. He had said that it was to keep an eye on you, but internally, he simply didn't want you to get hurt.

And yeah, at first that was because he didn't trust you, at all- but by now, somehow, you had sneaked your way into his heart, in a way. Even though he himself would always grumpily comment on it, he loved how you made Mina smile and the entire mansion light up. Things felt a little brighter, a little less tense, and a little less lonely with you around. It felt as if you were an actual family.

And that scared the shit out of him, because in no way was he going to fall for his daughters nanny.

And, after all; you hated his guts.

If Jungkook knew the situation you and Mina had gotten yourselves into, you don't know if he would be proud of her or kill you.

Turns out that the guard Jungkook had sent you out with wasn't actually following his orders at all, but words from a different person entirely- you imagined they were highly likely the one's out to shoot you back when you first met the tall mafia boss and father. Now, the only thing they definitely did not get right however, was that you were Mina's mother- and someone Jungkook valued enough to give up his safety. This was true for Mina; the young child was his everything, and he'd cut off his limbs just to know her safe and sound- but you? That was just absolutely stupid. Sure, you've been living together for quite some time now, and he stopped trying to mentally push you down the stairs every morning as well. But there was nothing more than a mild case of friend- and partnership. You weren't being emo; Jungkook had, after all, said it again and again that he had crossed out the dating game. He's got enough trouble with Mina and you, he had said.

Well, seemed like one of those issues would solve itself.

"Again, what're you gonna do?" You say, as Mina looks at you from out of the vents above you had helped her into seconds ago.

"Crawl where the nice air is, call daddy- and don't look back." She repeats proudly, but you can see it clearly that she's just as scared as you are.

"Exactly, good job princess." You praise, and she nods with a pout. "Once daddy gets you, you'll be safe." You promise, and she wants to complain- but you don't let her, closing the vent again as you hear her shuffling away. This was fine. Mina would be safe, Jungkook would have one person less to worry about- he could move away, bring her to a different part of the country where no one knew her, and she could simply go to school next year and forget all of this ever happened.

You were just a bit sad that you'd never get to see it.

Of course you weren't her mother- but it was hard not to let her inside your heart, with the way she was. The charms her dad didn't have, she got them times ten. She was just so sweet, and you were around her all the time, it was hard not to somehow grow fond of her. You just hoped she'd be alright.

"Where's the kid, whore?!" A guard yelled after noticing you were the only one left in the room. You simply smiled, not answering, before he grabbed your neck, pulling you up as much as he could as he fumed. "Save that stupid grin for your son of a bitch at home." He barks, and you desperately try to breathe- unsuccessfully so, until he forcefully pushes you back down, the back of your head hiding the concrete floor with a sickening crack. You squealed out in pain, holding onto the spot for dear life as if that would somehow help it- but it didn't. "I knew sluts like you have to be tied up. You're all just trouble." He says, pulling you by your legs as another set of people come in, binding your legs and hands. You can already feel your fingers getting cold from how tight your wrists are tied- but you black out from the kick to your stomach before you can quite dwell on it.

"Fuck!" He yells, before he gets up, hands in his hair to somehow help himself not punch the laptop on his table. He's seen it, seen it all- from the moments you would shield Mina like a fearless lioness, the second you had lifted her up into the vents even though he knew your shoulder had to be in horrible pain, to the very moment you had faced the consequences of your actions. He hated that he had to wait, that he had to simply sit here in his office like a coward just to watch you take the beatings.

Because here was the thing with Jungkook; even though he liked to portray himself as someone who always takes the upper hand in things and troubles, when it came to his own personal life far away from his criminal business he ran, he couldn't seem to ever make up his mind. It was like a repeat of his past love affair- but instead of his ex-wife cheating and leaving him with a child, there was you, in some way fighting like a true lionness in order to keep said child safe and sound, even though you didn't even had to. Technically, this would've been the perfect opportunity for you to finally get your freedom back in a way. Because without Mina, there was no use for you being in his grasp anymore. Without her, there was no agreement between the two of you.

And yet there you were. And yet again, he simply watched, simply did nothing.

The entire mansion was already on high alert by now; his most trusted friends Seokjin and Yoongi already out to your location- he could wait. He could wait. He could wait.

Everything would somehow turn out to be just fine by the end of this day. He would successfully take his daughter into his arms, Yoongi and Seokjin would get you out of there, and after a good nights sleep and some first aid for you, things would just return to normal.

But what was normal at this point?

He didn't want things to continue like they did currently. He wanted change, for the first time in his life. He wanted to tell you about his inner thoughts, about his desires concerning you and his future. He wanted to tell you that he didn't just want you to be at his home and with him and his daughter just because of some stupid agreement. He didn't want you to stay with him because he forced you to.

His phone began to chime, your face greeting him as the caller ID as he accepts it. "Daddy-" His heart sinks down to the floor as he hears Mina sniffle on the other side of the line. He has to wait, he thinks, repeats like a mantra. He has to somehow calm her down, tell her everything's alright- "They're hurting mommy!" Mina wails, and somehow, those words make him snap.

Fuck waiting.

In a way, Mina was a smart kid. She had been nothing but understanding when Jungkook and her mother had broken up- divorced, and fought until she eventually left for good. She had been a little sad for a long time, thinking it had somehow been her fault; but he had assured her, and later on, explained, that Mommy simply didn't love Daddy anymore. In Daycare, she was one of the most well behaved kids ever encountered- careful, and calm. Of course she got excited and happy and sometimes made a mess; but she also was very careful who she interacted with, what kinds of friends she made, and how much she talked about home. She never complained, never threw public tantrums.

Jungkook truly was lucky- that the only thing left of his shattered marriage had been her.

He never had relationships after that- never dated, never truly searched for someone. No one, in his eyes, was worth the risk- and even after meeting you, that was his opinion. But as cliche as it sounded, you were quite different from anyone he'd ever met before.

You spoke your mind; always saying what bothered you, never beating around the bush. Yet, you weren't being a bitch about things. No, you actually could be pretty cute if you wanted to be- be it the moments he had caught you and Mina sneak a taste of her birthday cake in the middle of the night, or the one time he had been sick.

You had been such an angel to him.

Helping him towards the bathroom, never even scrunching your nose in distaste whenever he had to throw up. You simply rubbed his back, helping him towards the sink to rinse, just to lead him back into his bedroom. You had aired the room out, made the bed, made sure that he was staying hydrated and at least tried to eat every day- all without any complains.

Maybe that was the moment his perspective of you shifted into dangerous territory.

He had somehow become hyperaware of the things you did. How well you got along with Mina, how easy going you were becoming with him- how confident yet nurturing and sweet you were, gently scolding him sometimes to not overwork himself. You always made sure his kid felt happy and was healthy, never so much as whined about your past friendships lost; you had simply accepted the new situation.

In a way, you were what he silently dreamed of at night.

Because as much as he loved the sight of you holding Mina whenever she had a nightmare and couldn't sleep, he somehow also craved to be held throughout the night by your arms. Just like he held his daughter in that moment after she had climbed out of the vent into his arms. He could make out some of her words as he simply let himself feel her tiny body in his arms for a moment. Just to make sure she was really there, really alright, really out of harms way. She kept on crying out for you, for him to help you, to save you-

So it was only natural for him to jump out of his car and run after Seokjin, Yoongi, and their squad, as they entered the building.

Sometimes at night, when you got aware of all the different sounds of the room, you heard the blood rush inside your brain.

Just like now; but now, it was so loud that you could barely hear anything else. Things seemed hazy, fuzzy, your ears stuffed with cotton wool drowning out any sounds might happening around you. Your eyes stayed closed, light way too bright for your raging headache- and the stale metal taste on your tongue wasn't helping either. Your hands had started to tingle long ago, and your knees were hurting from being in the same position for this long. But the moment someone touched you next, it wasn't forceful. It was so gentle, and almost- scared?

You couldn't hear, but you could feel. How the rope was cut, blood rushing painfully into your hands and legs again, pins and needles making them hypersensitive as you were suddenly held- moved, carried?

It smelled like home, that was something your dizzy mind was able to properly make out. It smelled like Jungkooks mansion, and a bit like his office- a faint vanilla hitting your senses, making you faintly smile as your hand reached out, unknowingly grabbing his shirt, holding the fabric as tight as you could as you moaned out in pain when he placed you down again, warmth surrounding you.

Maybe you were dying?

Or maybe not.

Because after some hazy and confusing dreams, you slowly came back to your senses. Eyes opening slowly, there it was; the curtains you knew so well, the balcony opened, air crisp and fresh around you as the door opened. You wanted to move your head, but the fear of triggering another headache was too big.

"Y/N?" Jungkooks voice asked, warm, and almost hesitant. You hummed, and he snapped his head around, noticing that yes- after days of sleeping and slipping in and out of consciousness you were actually awake again. He walked into your field of vision, looking so casual; his white button up undone at the first two buttons, sleeves rolled up as he sat down close to you, palm on the blanket covering you as he-

smiled?

"W-" You had to cough a bit before clearing your throat. "Who are you and what have you done to Jungkook?" You said, and he chuckled, sighing in relief- you had, after all, not lost your charm.

"I think past Jungkook had a moment of self-reflection." He said, watching you as his hand placed itself onto yours, warmth spreading over your skin. "I'm glad you're okay." He admitted. "And thank you. For keeping.. Mina safe." He ended, and you smiled.

"That's literally my job." You said, and he got more serious.

"No, and you know what I mean." His voice was deep and rough, yet held no authority like usual. "You had chances to tell them who you were. That you had no connection to me other than through her; yet you didn't. And we both know why." He said, and you looked at him.

"There are more reasons than just one." You said, eyes drifting to his now empty ring finger on the hand resting on his thigh.

"Does it matter which one I mean?" He asked, and you wanted to scoff.

"It does to me." You said, and he shifted closer after a second, properly holding your hand now as he looked at yours- still a little scratched, but nothing that wouldn't heal.

"You did it because that's the reason you live here." He said. "You also did it because you adore her just as much as I do. And you.." He began, but grew unsure.

"And I?" You smiled, and he looked at you with his typical seriousness.

"And you somehow got stuck in an emotional mess." He explained. "You somehow, deep down, wanted it to be true." His thumb moved over the back of your hand as he spoke. "You wished that.. maybe there was more to it than just, partnership." He said, and you still smiled gently.

"Did I now?" You teased, but to your surprise, he was still looking straight at you.

"I know I did." He humms out. "I still do."

"You're stupid." You said, and he laughed bitterly, taking your words the wrong way as he slipped his out of yours.

"I know." He said, getting up to leave but stopped as you spoke.

"Good." You said, chuckling before coughing. "What, no kiss for me after all I've been through?" You giggled as his wide eyes stared at you. "Rude." You said, and he suddenly realized that no- you weren't rejecting him. You were accepting.

You felt the same.

Noticing his own awkwardness, he leaned over, hands supporting his body as he leaned down, properly placing his lips onto yours. You had never imagined what kissing Jungkook would feel like, but you certainly would've never guessed how gentle and absolutely loving it would be. One of his hands moved towards your cheek, holding it, as if you were the most precious thing he'd ever seen.

"Mommy!" Came Mina's excited voice, cries instantly noticable as she jumped onto the bed, burying her head into your chest as you held her, a few tears in your eyes from her jumping.

"Mina baby, be careful okay?" He said. But your words were the reason that he ended up tearing up, at the end.

"Mommy's still hurting baby." You said. "But she'll get better soon."

Not even during the first few magical months of being together with his past ex, had it ever felt like this.

He was euphoric almost; with the way you felt, moved, breathed. It all felt like so much to him, made him feel so.. He couldn't explain it. He had his hands on your hips, fingers careful not to press too hard, but having enough force to move you back and forth over his lap- his length moving in and out of your heat, making you whine, as he watched your breasts in front of him. You fit so perfectly like this, felt so amazing, managed to make him feel needy instead of the other way around.

He turned you over slipping out of you sloppily as he moved positions, now above you as he spread your legs, entering you again easily. He pulled you by your thighs, holding you in place as he began to thrust again, your eyes closing with every movement of his hips.

He loved the sight of it.

Deep down he wanted to take the condom off; he wanted to fill you up, cum inside over and over and over until your cunt would overflow. Not only just to claim you in a weird animalistic sense, but to also make his family complete. He had cut his ties to his illegal activities by now, had settled down with you- and he knew, there was no other person he'd ever have a child with again than with you. "I want to cum inside." He said breathlessly, making you whine in return. "Hm, you'd like that?" He asked teasingly, his thrusts gaining more strength as if to underline his statement. "Stuff you full of my cum, make you leak it and mess up the sheets.." He continues, hand reaching between the two of you to find your clit. "just to make love to you over and over again. I wanna make you cry." He gritted out, suddenly moving you around face down. He pulled up your lower body, entering you again, gliding in easily with the amount of slick you were leaking. "And you'd take it wouldn't you?" He asks, making you nod and groan out as he grows more desperate, faster, harder- throwing you off the edge but never stopping. "You're gonna take it until I cum, don't you dare move away from me." He scolds, holding you tightly, making you gasp out in overstimulation as he continues on, chasing his own high.

He reaches it with a loud groan, burying himself deep inside as he holds you, peppering kisses onto your spine. "I love you, hm.." He whispers out. "So good, so pretty.. all mine.." He huffs, simply falling onto the mattress with you in his arms, cock still buried inside you.

There was a moment of silence, until he spoke again. "I really do mean it though." He said earning only a tired humm from you. He simply chuckled at that, holding you close as he decided to maybe bring that topic up when the timing was a bit better.

For once, he felt like a normal person. Right next to you, in your arms, as you turned around to pull him close, burying your face into his chest.

Right where he belonged.

#jeon jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook #jungkook imagine #jk imagine #jungkook x reader #bts imagine #mafia bts #mafia jungkook #bts smut #jungkook smut

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j-amespotter · 3 years

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★ the 1 - r. l.

“you know the greatest loves of all time are over now.”

Pairing: Remus Lupin x Reader

x. x. x.

Summary: The year is 1995. Lord Voldemort has returned. Albus Dumbledore recalls the Order of the Phoenix, giving two former lovers the chance to reconnect and reflect on the circumstances that tore them apart.

Genre/Warnings: angst, alcohol, mentions of death Word Count: ~1k

A/N: happy new year! eek! my first ever one-shot. not my favorite, but do let me know what you think. i also tried to make the reader gender neutral... let me know if there’s anything i have to fix!

masterlist

“It means a lot that you came. It has been an awfully long time.”

It scared you, how familiar the specks of gold in his eyes looked. Fourteen years did a lot to the both of you, him more than you. It was as if looking at him reminded you of how much time passed between the two of you, how old you actually were. “I’ve been keeping busy,” you said tentatively, “but I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

“At least that much remains unchanged.” His tone was heavy. You never liked it that way. He took everything far too seriously.

“Not much for small talk, Professor Lupin?” you teased.

“How did–” “I heard rumblings. I’m sure you made an excellent teacher,” you complimented. Despite the mischievous glint on your face, your words were sincere.

“I can’t speak to that, I’m afraid. Though I am sure you heard why my tenure was cut short…”

You couldn’t miss the faint flush on his cheeks, characteristic of when the conversation steered toward his condition. You sipped your wine to make time to gather your thoughts. “I wish you could see yourself the way I did… do. The way I do.”

He swallowed slowly, staring at your feet. “There’s no use crying over spilt milk,” he finally said. “It’s a Muggle expression. I find it quite amusing.”

You spotted a cobweb on the aged chandelier dangling above you. “I didn’t just come here for the Order, you know. Remus, I… I can’t stop thinking about you. About us. This could be our chance! We’re older now, wiser. Well, I’m not. But you are, I’m sure of it! When Sirius reached out–”

“Stop,” he interrupted shakily. “Don’t open this up again, (Y/N)… not with Lord Voldemort practically on our doorstep. The Order did more to tear us apart than bring us together.” The words were unspoken, but you heard them anyway. What makes you think this time’ll be any different?

You found yourself thinking bitterly of the Auror girl in the dining room, with her youthful eyes and bubblegum-pink hair, who smiled at Remus in a way that was so achingly familiar it could be a mirror image. “The Order’s bringing some people together. Trust me on that.”

Oh, Remus. So reserved yet so predictable. He frowned innocently at your insinuation. “I am not interested in anything but the defeat of Lord Voldemort and… and protecting Harry Potter.”

“Remus, please.” Your tone dripped of desperation, as if you were begging a brick wall. “I think it’s fate, seeing each other again. Aren’t you tired of being alone?”

“Creatures like me are meant to be alone.” He said it so matter-of-factly that if you weren’t you, you would not argue. “You’re not a bloody monster, Remus Lupin! You are a living, breathing human. You’re the boy who brought me sweets in the library, danced with me in the rain, passed love notes to me in Charms class… you’re the man who gave up your all to spy for the people you loved. That list once included me.” You were breathless. It was as if you rehearsed it.

“Lower your voice,” hushed Remus sternly. You felt like an admonished student, but said nothing. “You know why I had to end it. Perhaps it was youth, or naiveté, or just plain idiocy that I was able to kid myself into believing I had a future with you.”

You gently stroked his arm, ignoring the way he flinched. “I know you were hurting, Remus. Believe me, I was too. We were the only two left standing. I needed you. No one else but you.”

“You deserve better than a low-life like me. In this world I am worth nothing. I wish you would understand,” said Remus sadly.

Déjà vu. That was what it was. This utter hopelessness. The way you pleaded with him for several November nights in a row fourteen years earlier. His refusal to meet your eyes. All was as it was.

“So is that it? Am I just supposed to come here and pretend like everything’s fine?”

“A noble sacrifice.” His response sounded like a lot of things – sarcastic, cold, pained. Muddled, just like you both were. “We have a job to do. This is no longer fun and games.”

It never was, you wanted to yell. Not for you and me.

You and Remus were lying in your bed, his lanky frame practically devouring yours, his long legs hovering off of it. Your forehead nuzzled against his chin, grazing his faint stubble.

“We’re really doing this?” Despite the question, your voice betrayed not a single inkling of uncertainty.

“I suppose so,” he answered thoughtfully. He was always so careful with his words.

Eighteen was a weird age. Last week, you were students. Tomorrow, you will be soldiers.

The wonderful thing about Remus was that though he was prone to self-pity, he was exceptionally certain about his choices when he needed to be. He also had a way with words that were guaranteed to comfort you. “Are you scared?”

He did not answer immediately. “A little. But it’s my only option. Our only option.”

His response seemed to reinvigorate the fire brewing within you. Sighing contentedly, you kissed him. For all intents and purposes, it was your last kiss – at least, your last innocent kiss, last comfortable kiss, last fearless kiss.

Life no longer allowed for such reachable happiness. His greying hair and visible frown lines were a testament to that.

He seemed to sense your defeat and reacted to it with nearly-undetectable remorse. In an oddly tender moment, his large hand cupped your cheek. “If only I wasn’t so afflicted…”

You wanted to tell him that the monster inside of him wasn’t the wolf, but it was no longer your place to say such things. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He frowned but did not stop you as you walked away. As you blinked back tears, you felt a gentle hand on your shoulder. Whipping around, you were only slightly disappointed to see another fragment of your past, older but now more than a mere memory. “Give it time,” whispered Sirius.

You opened your mouth to speak, though a scene caught your attention from over his shoulder. You heard a low chuckle, belonging to none other than Remus Lupin, gazing distantly at a flash of pink tripping over a conveniently-placed umbrella stand. “Yeah,” you said to your old friend, “maybe you’re right.”

#remus lupin #remus lupin x reader #remus lupin angst #marauders fanfiction #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter songfic #remus x reader #folklore x hp is always everything #remus lupin one shot #remus lupin imagine #remus lupin fanfiction #remus lupin songfic #remus lupin x you #remus lupin x y/n #remus x you #remus x y/n #remus/reader #remus lupin/reader #remus lupin/y/n

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taesaqua · 3 years

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@haknnyeon |||| pt.3 last but not least we need to have the man the myth the legend of alex’s pure heart ofc 🤠🤠🤠 anyways, I hope that in the soon future all of your dreams and wishes do come true or seem more reachable, no matter small or big ones, like water-colouring(hello?!) or taking a trip with me (and Dino ig….he can tag along…) to Japan(we shall dream big aleXANDRA!) I hope you somewhat enjoyed and liked my modest lil gift for you(until the actual one arrives hopefully in 2021 -.-) I love you very super mega much as you know I’m sending you a big bear hug and strength for this upcoming month, I believe in you pal 🎂 💖 🐻

#ilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy hugs and kisses;;; always yours platonically;;; your ex wife - bff milda #happy alex day #dino #lee chan #seventeen #dino moodboard #kpopmbmakers #seventeen moodboard #kpop moodboard #aesthetic #*mine:mb

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kedilerkabilesi · 4 years

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Ways to Select the Best Product Concept to Offer Market

There are numerous steps needed to bring an item to market, yet ultimately, everything begins with the item suggestion itself. If you have the incorrect product concept, after that all the other steps, despite how well you execute them, will not matter.

I always claim execution is where the real value is, yet it still needs to begin with the product concept. You should pick the greatest item concept to offer the marketplace.

1: Economical to Develop and also Prototype

The top attribute of a winning product is it needs to be inexpensive to create as well as model. Product development is so much more complex than a lot of laypeople can picture.

It's essential that you, specifically for your first product, try to make the product as basic as feasible. That way your advancement expense will be decreased and also your time to market will certainly be much less.

You must obtain your product to market as quickly as feasible so you can start collecting market responses. You can utilize that feedback to potentially customize the product to satisfy what the actual market demand is.

I constantly urge the concept of a Minimum Viable Product (MVP). Allow's say your item's core functionality is Bluetooth sound, however, you are likewise thinking about potential secondary features such as activity discovery or GPS monitoring.

In such a case it is usually best to focus on only the core, see also how to promote my invention. important functions for your first item version. As soon as you have genuine market data and sales after that you can take into consideration adding any type of possible second features.

However, you still should study and evaluate every one of the potential features so you can pick the most effective functions to consist of in the future as soon as you have the marketplace information to back them up.

For instance, if a particular function enhances your production expense by 10% but also allows you to increase your list prices by the same quantity, then that may be a smart option.

Or maybe, the additional function will instead offer to raise sales of your product, hence compensating for the 10% boost in cost.

2: Budget-friendly to Scale to Mass Production

You desire an item that's not only budget-friendly to create but is likewise inexpensive to scale from the prototype stage to mass production. These 2 requirements can be completely different for many items.

It's possible to have an item that is easy to establish, but complicated to range to manufacturing. One significant difficulty of scaling an item to mass manufacturing is the cost of shot molds required for any custom-made plastic parts.

Each personalized item of plastic will certainly require its shot mold. For truly high quantity production, these molds are extremely expensive. A minimal expense for mold and mildew will be about $1,500 for an easy, low-volume mold. A lot more complicated molds for high-volume manufacturing can cost 10s of countless bucks each.

Although establishing a product that requires a bunch of customized shaped plastic items may be economical making use of 3D printing, it will become considerably extra pricey to scale when injection molding comes to be called for.

3: Prospective for a High-Profit Margin

I understand creating and marketing a brand-new item can be significantly amazing and also enjoyable. Eventually, the goal is to make cash?

This implies you need to focus on an item with a high-profit margin. You ideally desire the suggested retail price for your product to be around 4x what it sets you back to make.

You can push that to 3x the manufacturing price, especially if you're offering straight to customers and also not experiencing distributors or retail chains. Yet I would not go any type of reduced. For one point, it comes to be remarkably challenging to expand a business with low-profit margins.

That being claimed, you can not anticipate making a high revenue when initially beginning. You'll be fortunate if you can simply break-even on your initial tiny production run. Often you will certainly need to sell your first several hundred systems muddle-headed.

As your manufacturing quantities boost so will your earnings margin. As soon as you get to quantities of 10k-100k items for many customer items that are when you should anticipate making a substantial profit.

Earnings need to never be your prompt objective, and that will come later as you scale to greater volumes. At the onset, focus your efforts on reducing your growth expenses, not on making the most of profit.

You do require to have exact estimates on what your production price and earnings margins will be once you get to those higher volumes.

You may break even on quantities under 1k, make a small revenue on volumes in between 1k and also 10k, then make a revenue margin of 33% for 10k items, as well as finally reach 50% at quantities of 100k devices. You just need to understand upfront that as soon as you get to high adequate manufacturing degrees, significant revenue is feasible.

If you determine in your evaluation that 25% of earnings are all that can be made, even at high manufacturing volumes, then you likely may wish to think about various products or consider if you can boost your sales price.

Keep in mind that capitalists enjoy high-profit margins (obviously, right!) so having a higher possible earnings margin will make it easier to find them.

4: Existing Competition

You want to pick a product suggestion that has some competition. Wait a min, isn't competition a negative point? Should not I concentrate on establishing a product that is completely unlike anything else in the marketplace?

The answer to both of those inquiries is no!

Bringing a distinct item to the marketplace can be challenging. Not only do you have to convince people that this problem even exists which they need to be fixed, but you likewise have to persuade them that your product is the most effective remedy to the problem.

Additionally, with completely new items, you don't also understand for sure that there is a market for the item. Nevertheless, having a competing product that currently markets well gives some proof that there is a market for your product. You can consider a completing item as in advance proof that a market already exists for your product.

That being stated, you do not want excessive competition, which is what I'll go over next.

5: No Dominating Competitors

Although some competitors is a good thing, too much is a bad point. If you assume you're going to compete with the likes of Amazon or Apple, you're just going to get consumed for breakfast. That's not something you intend to ever before attempt to go after.

As an example, I would not suggest that you attempt to come up with a product that directly takes on an Amazon Echo. Of all, you will never be able to compete with Amazon's rate because they have substantial economies of range.

You can never contend with them from a branding or advertising perspective. Dominant firms like Amazon.com, Apple, as well as Microsoft have online reputations for essentially ruining their competitors.

As an additional instance, I would certainly never advise that anybody develop a new mobile phone.

To start with, a smartphone is unbelievably complicated and also pricey to establish (Apple spent millions establishing the first iPhone).

There are so many competitors already that it would certainly be impossible for a brand-new startup company to ever stand out in such a jam-packed market.

6: Convenient Market

You wish to pick a product that has an easily-reachable market.

Possibly you might be believing, "Everybody on the planet can utilize my item. It does not matter their age, area, gender, line of work, or income, they all will desire it!".

Perhaps you are believing "so 1% of individuals purchase my product that will suggest 100 million units as well as $10 billion in earnings". By the way, such a statement is a significant red flag for capitalists, causing them to flee as rapidly as possible. Please don't ever claim something like this.

I understand it seems wonderful, as well as you're likely seeing dollar signs in the billions! Yet the fact is a market that includes everybody will certainly be difficult to reach.

It will constantly be much easier to sell your product to 10% of the people in a group of 100,000, than 1% of a team of 1,000,000 people.

You are much better off focusing on a niche product, or at least somewhat of a particular niche item, that has a market that you can get to. This is the factor for the expression "the treasures remain in the specific niches".

Many of you understand that I developed and also brought to market my hardware product. What you do not understand is before that, one of my very first business ideas included marketing tourist-related things in Australia.

I had eventually developed the idea that precedes there is no up or down, so there is no defined top or bottom to the Earth. The reality that Europe, as well as The United States And Canada, get on the top of globes was plain since Europeans developed the majority of the early maps as well as globes.

There is no reason why a globe can't be inverted with locations like Australia, Antarctica, as well as South America on top of the world. My idea was to offer upside-down worlds and maps (as well as tees as well as such with upside-down maps) in nations situated south of the equator.

I'm not Australian nor have I ever before checked out Australia. I was pursuing this completely from the other side of the world in the U.S.

I had some initial good luck with it. I had called a lot of individuals in Australia, vacationer stores loved my suggestion, and also they wanted to bring my items in their shops. However ultimately, that company suggestion wound up stopping working. You can also check how to get my invention off the ground

The main factor it failed was I was trying to get to a market that was actually on the other side of the world from me. It was a market that I did not comprehend.

7: Recurring Income

Lots of may state the Holy Grail of earning money is it to develop repeating revenue streams. Recurring profits simply implies that your clients pay you a fee automatically every month. Most of the on-line software program solutions you use are spent on a regular monthly persisting basis.

If someone acquires your hardware item, can you include a monthly charge to utilize an internet solution or an app that connects to your product?

Discovering a way for your organization or product to have reoccurring profits will certainly be a substantial boost for your business, especially if you ever wish to look for outside specialist investments.

A lot of investment companies such as this element since it makes earnings much more predictable and enables a firm to expand much faster. Bolt.io is an angel investment group that concentrates on equipment products. They particularly favor equipment products with a recurring income model.

Repeating revenue is such a coveted method of making money because it's foreseeable. People can cancel their subscription or subscription, yet as a whole, you will certainly have a team of customers that just keep paying, allowing you to know just how much you're going to be bringing in each month.

8: Upfront Marketing Research

You always need to perform significantly ahead of time marketing research before you fully seek a new item idea. This research study is going to help you identify if you're focusing on the most effective product idea.

Let's claim you conduct some early marketing research using surveys, as well as your study feedbacks return as, "I hate this item," or, "I would certainly never buy it," or, "I would certainly pay $5 for it, but you're asking me for $100?".

Those results are informing you that this item is not something worth going after.

It's hardly ever that easy. It might be simple to quickly confirm a suggestion misbehaves, yet not so easy to confirm that it is a good suggestion.

This is particularly true with physical products where you are restricted in just how much ahead of time research you can do because you don't have a product yet to offer or reveal.

Your early market study surveys might reveal that individuals like the item concept, they claim they need it, and they also say they will certainly acquire it when it ends up being readily available.

Nevertheless, if the item does become available these same people might never, in fact, acquire it.

This is because it's one point to state you like an item and would buy it, but it's rather another point to place your hard-earned money down to purchase it. A person who states "I love the product, I would purchase one," could stroll by it a hundred times in a store as well as never acquire one.

Simply recognize the constraints of any market information that doesn't consist of cash changing hands. What people tell you they will certainly do is a lot various than what they actually will do, specifically when it concerns spending money.

You must still make it a concern to collect as much of this very early feedback as possible.

Market research is just one of the essential benefits of having an on the internet target market. If you do not have a target market already, then begin developing one right away.

After gathering feedback from your audience, you can move on to the best marketing research, which is to begin pre-selling your product. This is what happens with crowdfunding campaigns.

For crowdfunding, lots of people focus on the money they will certainly get, yet the most useful part is the marketplace comments and also evidence you will certainly get since individuals are choosing your product with their money.

9: You Currently Know the marketplace

Concentrate on an item for a market that you already understand. This is preferably a market that you have previous experience in. This can be prior experience marketing to this market, or just on your own belonging to this market.

If you're a carpenter, for instance, focus on items that woodworkers use or that are used in home building and construction.

You do not need to constantly restrict yourself to your prior experience, yet the markets that you have operated in, ideally over several years, are going to be the ones that you recognize the most effective.

You're already able to comprehend what the marketplace desires, versus trying to pursue an unknown market, as I did with Australia.

10: Fixes a Known Issue

Your item needs to resolve an issue that individuals already understand they have. It's testing enough to inform individuals on why they require to acquire your remedy to a problem they have.

It's also tougher to inform them concerning a problem that they don't recognize they already have. It will make it significantly more difficult to sell your product if you have to do both.

Having to make the client aware that a problem also exists, suggests it's something they've never thought of, so it's not going to be a top priority for them.

That's tough to market. Rather, concentrate on items that address issues people already understand they have.

11: Distinguished Item

Your product requires to be dramatically varied from what's currently around, and you do not ever before wish to remain in a scenario where you need to contend on price. Contending on cost relates to low-profit margins, which as discussed already is never a good thing.

Rather, you require to contend on the item itself and also the value that it adds, and out the cost. Doing so will offer you a lot higher profit margins and also permit your company to expand much faster.

To do this your item needs to be distinguished somehow from any other options currently on the market. What makes your item much better than any kind of remedy presently on the market?

12: The Price Is

Make sure to pick an item that's in a good cost range. To start with, you don't want a product that has as well reduced a cost. That's because it will require a lot of volumes to make any kind of significant income.

This was among the major errors I made with the physical item I offered the marketplace. It only sold for between $5 and $10 meaning I had to offer a massive number to produce considerable earnings as well as revenue.

On the other extreme, if your item is too pricey, state $1,000, then that will certainly present a substantial obstacle to people buying, particularly if you're an unknown business.

It's much easier to get $5 or $10 out of an individual, and even $100 than it is $1,000. Particularly if they do not understand you or have experience with your items. That's mosting likely to be a substantial barrier to purchase.

Concentrate on products that aren't too low in cost, however also not too expensive. I 'd claim between $29 as well as a few hundred dollars would be the best cost variety. Follow inventhelp on Instagram for more advice https://www.instagram.com/inventhelp/?hl=en

Verdict

The genuine value may be in the implementation, yet it all starts with the concept. You require to make certain you are putting your time, cash, and also initiative right into an item that has the very best opportunities for success.

If your item concept isn't the very best idea to seek wouldn't you rather recognize it currently as opposed to later on? You need to constantly be able to pivot as fast as possible. The even more you know, and also the earlier you know it, always the far better!

#InventHelp #InventHelp Instagram #help with inventions #InventHelp inventions #Prototypes #Ideas #Patent #inventors #How does InventHelp work #How to get my invention off the ground #What is InventHelp

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wiltedeyesandtwistedlies · 4 years

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What are the inattentive symptoms of ADHD?

Before I answer, it’s important to acknowledge that not everyone experiences ADHD the same way. I came up with this list through hours of extensive research, but I still explained each one based on how I experience them personally, because I wanted it to be an honest and accurate resource.

Now, I experience every inattentive symptom of ADHD severely. As well as most hyperactive type symptoms, but not nearly as severely. Hence why my explanations are on the severe side. So if you don’t experience every one of these, or you don’t experience them exactly like this, that doesn’t mean you don’t have ADHD.

Most Commonly Known Symptoms:

Inattentive ADHD is pretty much the same thing as hyperactive ADHD but with less hyperactive tendencies. So technically these symptoms apply to both, but ADHD has a few more that won’t be listed here.

• Inability to focus on disinteresting or unengaging tasks even if you need or even want to – As if your brain physically won’t let you. Because that’s exactly what’s happening. There is no, “Just do it because you have to.”

For real. Imagine a video came where you’ve reached the end of the map and there’s that invisible barrier to keep you from going any farther. But all the other players are passing it just fine. They look at you like you’re crazy and can’t believe that you can’t get through. But it’s literally IMPOSSIBLE.

Now apply that to easy individual movements or tasks like plugging in your charger right next to you or washing a few bowls.

• Focusing WAY too much on this single thing whether you like it or not. It’s called “hyperfixating” and it’s both the most exhilarating experience in the world and the most soul crushing. You can watch/do nothing else, consume nothing else, think of nothing else. It’s exciting and invigorating. But as soon as there is no more material/info about it to devour, existence is gray and meaningless. The adrenaline rush and laser focus are like nothing else, but the crash is just as intense.

• Inability to divert attention to something different when you're already focused on something else. (More of a product of the two above, really)

• Inability to organize or maintain a neat system. It’s not that we don’t have a system (because we do, and if it’s altered in the most miniscule way we will know and we will be furious) but that our systems tend to be more about ease of access. It looks messy, but everything is just easily reachable instead of tucked away in drawers or hidden in organizer bins.

“Out of sight, out of mind.” As soon as we can’t see it, or we get used to it and it becomes a background visual (like background noise but for your eyes), it no longer exists. Until we see it again we have never seen it before either.

• Emotions are forceful and kinda scary. Lacking the ability to regulate emotions means violently strong feelings. They can sweep you away and leave you stranded in an uncomfortable predicament. Major highs and lows as well as strong grudges and emotionally based actions.

• Distractability: There’s this stereotype that all people with ADHD are hyper airheads who cut off mid sentence to shout random shit like “SQUIRREL!” whenever they see something remotely interesting. They’re super excited about it and HAVE to let everyone know, no matter what they were doing before. It’s kind of the “cutesie” version that the media portrays a lot. Most ADHDers don’t actually fit this stereotype.

However, stereotypes are often based on true characteristics, even if they have been twisted into a sick joke or a cruel portrayal.

NOTE: There is nothing wrong with this form of ADHD. It just sucks that if you don’t match this stereotype, no one really believes you have ADHD. Also that so many people use it to insult and bully people with ADHD, even if that isn’t how they display their symptoms.

Lesser Known Symptoms:

Basically if these are #relateable, you probably have ADHD.

• Unable to conceptualize time in any way. Will this take two minutes? Three hours? No one knows! You thought this would take a half hour at most and it’s taken three! How?? This was a five-minute task and you’ve just realized you zoned out. It felt like two seconds but it was two hours!

• There is only Now and Not Now. Again, it’s a time thing. The future always seems so far away that it's almost like it doesn't exist. "Time is a construct" is something I often say because I have no sense of time passing, having past, or will pass. People describe me as "living in the present.” But that’s only because I forget that there is a future or that time is moving. I just don't think about it at all and when I try to it's impossible to understand and it feels made up.

• Sensitive to any form of rejection, actual or perceived. A friend texts you back, but they don’t sound nearly as enthusiastic as usual. You immediately tear your message apart to try to find what upset them and how you can make it up to them. Because surely that’s what that nontypical period means? You want to curl up in a hole and never come out, never face the horrible thing you’ve done to a treasured friend. Intense fear and sorrow mingle into all consuming guilt. The kind that makes you wish you’d never met them, just so they wouldn’t have to be hurt by you now. All because they added a period.

Everyone with some form of an anxiety disorder will recognize this. But it’s also a very common ADHD experience. This is in part because anxiety is SUPER likely to be comorbid with ADHD. But we also have Rejection Sensative Dysphoria. Which basically means we’re ridiculously sensitive to the slightest possibility of the barest chance that we maybe might receive a sliver of perceived ambiguous rejection. To the point where we cut off good relationships for seemingly no reason because we’re too afraid to even speak to them again, much less explain our emotions that we know are irrational but can’t help. The guilt and regret are too agonizing, the fear to face them too much.

• Reading is AWFUL. We’ve already established that attention is not your friend. Unfortunately, that makes it difficult to read blocks of boring text. The information could be good, it could be fun even. But if the format is too uniform and plain, it’s impossible to get past the first few sentences. You just keep rereading the same line over and over, realizing every time that you zoned out halfway across. It’s infuriating and very sad. It also makes studying an absolute nightmare.

Many people actually don’t have this experience. They hyperfocus on their reading or their schoolwork so it isn’t a problem. I was the same way until college and now I can’t even read a little recipe card without zoning out. But it’s a very common experience nevertheless so I listed it anyway.

• Ringing ears, hearing electricity. This is one I just heard about. I haven’t been able to actually research this one, but it’s interesting and every ADHDer I know has confirmed it so I’m adding it. ‘Cause I’ve had constant ringing since I was old enough to talk. And I’ve always been able to hear power lines, household appliances, wires inside the walls, all those varying vibrating hums and crackling pops. It’s one of the weird quirks that “run in the family.” Just like Tinnitus and all ADHD symptoms. Apparently, MANY people with ADHD have similar experiences.

• Negative stimming. Things that negatively stimulate your senses. After encountering a certain stim, you feel it physically. It causes a sensation that hurts, in a way. It shouldn’t, logically. But your body’s reaction is to pain. This includes foods you can’t eat because the texture is wrong. Clothing you can’t wear because you can easily breath but no you really can’t because the collar sits wrong against your throat. Sounds that make your spine stiffen or skin crawl. Bright lights or colors that don’t affect anyone else but make your head ache.

Stims and sensitivity can affect any and all senses. A certain smell, agitating fabrics, an unbelievably smooth stone, specific tastes and food textures, certain color combinations, particular sounds/pitches/volumes, et cetera.

• Positive stimming. The other side of the sensory coin. Things that are exceptionally pleasant to your senses/stimulate you positively. For example, the way light shines through a transparent bright blue gem. Watching the light catch and twist so fluidly when you move it takes your breath away. There’s a euphoric feeling to it, and you can’t look away. It’s too pleasing. It’s like a deep satisfaction you can physically feel throughout your whole body, emanating from deep within your chest. You never want to stop that feeling.

Personally, it feels like my chest is somehow much deeper than it actually is. And at the farthest, deepest part is where that satisfaction settles. Nothing else can ever reach that hidden, impossibly deep cavity. It’s so amazing, I never want it to stop. It can feel like that endless pit is starved, and the stim is the first sustenance it’s ever had so it never what’s to let it go.

• Forgetting supposedly unforgettable things. Like where the fuck I parked my car. Also what my car looks like. It’s blue right? It has a hatch. I accidently memorized the license plate (complicated story) but I can’t tell you what model it is?? Is it even in this parking lot? I’ve never parked anywhere else but my memory is obviously garbage so now I need to check every parking lot just in case.

End Note:

It’s important to know that ADHD has many symptoms that overlap with other nuerodivergencies such as autism or ASD. Executive dysfunction can be caused by a number of mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety. Emotional regulation problems can look just like Bipolar disorder and vice versus.

My point is, every symptom could actually be something else. It’s really easy to be misdiagnosed because they all have such similar symptoms. I know someone who thought they had ADHD for years, but it was actually a mix of severe depression and anxiety that fucked with their working memory (as both depression and anxiety do). Someone else I know was diagnosed with manic depression and thought they might be bipolar, but it was undiagnosed ADD the whole time.

#cassidy talks once in a while #info about everything adhd #add #add symptoms #adhd symptoms #add info #adhd info #add information #adhd information

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buuttercup · 4 years

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My laziness needs to end and this weekend needs to absolutely not happen. I do stupid things when I'm bored. I dangle my carrot in front of anyone I can as if that will make me feel okay. When I speak to anyone about B and I, I say I'm doing better than I am; I don't say we've fucked, obviously, because that's fucking laughable; I say I know I'll be able to find someone better for me, even though I don't think that's true; I say I'm never going back to him, even though I want to every day and every second. Everything I say is the antithesis of what is actually true. And that's fucking typical.

This new guy I've been talking to must find me so cringe, always posting vain photos and videos of myself now. I can't be bothered with what he thinks of me other than his opinions on my appearance but I want to see him again just to see. It's kind of funny how calculated and predictable it all is, my process of trying to heal after a breakup. I reduce myself every time. Feeding off attention from people that do not matter serves no one. Fucking randoms, promising things I can't keep, frivolous spending, painting myself to be more okay than I am. It’s all methodical.

I'm so fake on top of my shit and drowning in responsibilities I'm avoiding, but I don't really know what I'm waiting for? I wake up and run through a list of the things I need to take care of, but I'm still in the mindset I was when I was in 4th grade: convinced I will die at a young age, so why bother? I can't explain why I used to feel this way but I always felt I was meant to die at a young age, almost like I wanted that for myself. An escape to avoid the pain adulthood and wisdom bestows on you.

Myriad relationships with past friends and lovers have been reemerging as of late. I should be gracious of these people reaching out, as it comes from a place of love, but I actually hate it. These people from the past are all reminders of a version of myself that had less fortitude and self respect. That version of myself has admittedly become a victim of the harsh voice I speak to myself in. How stupid could you be? To be convinced that I found my one and only so early in life, right under my nose. I held onto him because I thought his lack of experiences would guarantee his loyalty and devotion. I thought, "I'll show him all that he hasn't seen or felt. I'll make him obsessed with me. I will secure my place in his heart." Naive and reluctant to the idea of him stepping outside of me. I am so tired of feeling not enough and making myself to be this diminutive version of myself that does not exist.

I have nothing to hide... except all the things I have to hide. Such as the shame and degradation I bring onto myself.

My life is sickeningly ironic at this point. Laughably, actually. My roommate has started up with a new boy. It's heart eyes, cuddling, and coffee made by 7am type of love right now. I'm not jealous. I don't want the guy. I'm not bitter about the fact that she keeps comparing her experiences with this guy with me and B. (I miss the ring 'me and B' had to it.) I'm really not. What I have been clinging onto however, are the parallels in her feelings and spoken words about this guy in comparison to my guy. Memories of excitement and lightheartedness can only be recalled as though it was another person living through them. I can't imagine myself boo'd up, laughing, secured... enamored with someone at all. Much less B. It's like, who was that that was living through all that sweetness? The irony lies in me knowing that that sweetness is what I'm holding onto. They are my favorite scenes from my favorite movie that I keep rewinding. Experiences unique to me n B. Although I'm broken, I can't dismiss the love and care B showed me. There’s a reason why I stuck by him for as long as I did, and there's a reason why I was more than happy to for the rest of my life. To make myself ashamed of the love I experienced with this person is wrong of me to do. I won't lie; it does hurt to see her so happy and nonetheless compare my happiness and optimism to what she feels. I promised to myself that I wouldn't project any of my own negativity and cynicism onto her.

This season isn't about he and I. It's about me.

Every moment I spend not working or working out feels like a waste. Even when I’m deep in my most depressing and lonely thoughts, I feel like I should be working out.

I think sick things. I think sick things to convince myself to be okay with what he did or.. the exact opposite.. to convince myself to banish this person from my heart forever. I asked him, when did you do this? Where? Did you show yourself? Either situation feeds into my insidious thoughts. If he showed himself, he shared his beauty and had that connection with someone else. They saw him and he saw them. I try to put myself in his shoes in that moment, I think, "well at east if he showed himself, I know human tendencies and that everyone looks at themselves during most of a video call, right?? At least he was probably looking at his own dick part of the time?? Yeah, at least he wasn't entirely focused on another body during that entire time.." The other option is that he wasn't on cam, and that is was only her. Still shit. To think of him being so primal and lusting for other parts, another body, anther person, kills me. I am too obsessed with the superficial connections he had with other people, but that is only because I feel THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO OFFER! I fooled myself into believing his lack of experience would minimize his hunger for other women, because I assumed he didn't know what else was out there. I assumed he would see me and have me and that that would be enough. We told each other about our past; I was his first serious girlfriend, I thought at the time, so I felt safe in the delusion that I wasn’t competing with memories of someone before me. I ransacked all parts of him in search of safety and fidelity. Nothing I thought about him was true.

And yet, I’m the I am still so hungry for him. He is more than his beautiful exterior; I crave his voice, his comfort, pragmatism, and his warmth. I have never given love an honest go like this. All my time spent with him was always sweet; I never felt blessed in my life, but I felt that way with him. I am convinced I won't ever be able to find what I found in him in anyone else. The narrative that there is only one person made for us is naive and impractical, but I really do feel that way with him. He checks my social media often; I know that. I am scared for the day it all ends because I know that when that day comes, I will not be in the same place. I will still be waiting. Perhaps it's my self cruelty speaking for my whole self, but I honestly believe I will always be waiting for him. I thought I'd be the same way with Leo. I was scary scary obsessed with him. Hastily convinced that this is the person for me; there are still times I think that... but all those fallacies are crowded out the second I think of B. Am I missing being loved or and I missing being loved by this person? How could I have aggrandized someone so small and immature? Who am I even talking about?? All of them.

Hearing of my mother's heartbreak is more painful than listening to my own. I don't think B has any idea of the ripples of pain he's caused around me. When I speak to my mom, I hear the hopeless romantic in her. She is waiting for this guy to prove himself in ways my father never could. She speaks about he and I as if she knows and wants for us to get back together again. She is waiting for a grand gesture, as was I. She is waiting to see if this guy will prove to be different, in ways my father could never be. I think she wants that just for my own sanity, so I don't go off to asume every man will only disappoint me. It's too late for that. Although I already believe that of men, part of me is still holding out for this person. Why was I robbed of my happiness and future experiences with this person??

I get so bitter when I start to think of everything I missed out on with B. Every relationship I see makes me think of what could’ve been. I'm like, that fucker didn't even get to see me dance, get to feel me grind on him while we were out, he didn't get to feel me eat his ass and suck him raw like I wanted, he didn't get to see me actually dolled up in that dress I saved for just him, he didn't get to feel me fully, we didn't get to vacation together, he didn't get to have the full me. Is that why this all happened? I get so angry at all that he didn't get to experience with me, as if it's my own fault that he's not trying as hard as I want him to be. A larger part of myself is convinced that he didn't get to experience these things with me because he didn't deserve to. I am so ready to put myself on display, to serve myself on a platter. The second I am made to be the fool, I carry the blame on my back as if it was my own faults that put us here. I feel this is the only way someone will see me and want me and only me. This will never be true; it's not like I want this to be my narrative, I really think it is though. If I'm not waiting for B to be at my door, I'm waiting for the day to be fully healed; neither seems reachable. Am I feeling this way because he is actually the one that is meant for me or because I've never been betrayed to this degree, and I'm yearning for an absolution? Way beyond the clouds is where I'll find my answer, by the time my head is light and empty enough to float high enough to find these answers, I think it will be too late. Every day, every second I have to fight myself to call him, to tell him to come over, to let him know about his secured spot in my heart. I can’t do that because I know it’s not true. It was not true with Leo, and although I know it’s unfair to compare B with L, both are in the same category; undeserving of me. A part of me wishes I could rush his growth so that it would alleviate some of the shame I might receive from getting back with him but I know that’s selfish. More of me wants the whole process to be rushed because I believe what we had was unique and beautiful and that it was the security that he and I deserved. The idea that he still wants me too makes it all worth it. I will be taken for granted again if that were to happen though. My feelings of heartbreak aren’t unique; I know I have felt this way before, and I might feel this way again.

I feel the ghost of his hand on my waist all the time.

#screwdriver diaries #paletas #i hope he stopped checking my blog tho

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tiny-smallest · 4 years

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STEVEN UNIVERSE FINALE THOUGHTS: SPOILERS ABOUND

My criticisms mostly lie in how short it was. This whole epilogue season needed to be longer. More episodes, or longer episodes. I'd lean more towards longer personally because as much as I'd love to revisit old friends who didn't get any time in SUF (FUCKING. NEPHRITE.), I'd rather the stuff that exists were fleshed out more. If I had my way we’d have more episodes (maybe 30-40, and not all of them painful; some more like Why So Blue or Guidance- ones that hint at his escalating mental illness but aren’t a sheer punch of pain) as well as longer episodes when needed (some of these were perfect for their length; others could’ve used a longer run time to really flesh things out) but if I had to pick one, I’d pick longer episodes over more episodes.

So far the biggest things that bug me are Connie's speech and White's breakdown.

Connie's speech only because she started it. In a show that kind of finally called the adults out for how much Steven had to give to them, it's a different child who rallies them to a clear head so they can figure out what to do. I'd much rather Greg have started the speech and Connie then interject. And then Garnet comes up with the actual plan? That'd have been perfect. They got so close to that too, since Greg is the only adult not falling apart instead of focusing on what Steven needs; he admits his faults and is obviously super upset about it, but his statement is a declaration of action: that this time he’s not running to let the magic people deal with this, he’s going to be there too. THEY WERE SO CLOSE TO THAT MOMENT BEING ABSOLUTELY PERFECT AUGH.

White's breakdown. I get what they were going for here, I really do: we’ve all seen The Big Bad be dealt with by stabbing them real good a lot and rarely is there ever any nuance applied to the concept of toppling a tyrant and where that would leave people, and the show is BUILT on the idea of what happens when you try that (or... fake the succeeding of it), so I get why they decided not to straight up kill her. But you also built White up to be like... Mother Gothel meets Frollo and then SHOWCASED IT IN ACTION and I'm forever gonna have a hard time swallowing the concept that she could ever be so utterly repentant of her crimes, I guess, both on a personal and universal level? I’d have almost rather she remained toxic and kept at a distance?

Add-ons to this are not a word about humanizing Pink/Rose in Steven's viewpoint and not a word about what White did to Steven-- which is possibly the most traumatic thing that happened to him.

That being said, corrupted Steven was a fucking HELL YES. And they USED THE WORD CORRUPTED SO HATERS CAN SUCK IT. I thought the corruption was solved a little too... easily and quickly? If other corrupted gems weren’t reachable just by talking to them Steven shouldn’t have been either even with being half human, and I would have loved if they’d had to go into his mind in order to reach him with their words--which would’ve been an interesting parallel to Change Your Mind, actually. But this is an example of what I mean about wishing episodes were longer. For this to be a thing the episode would’ve needed to be longer. As it was, it was fine. The emotion of it still got through. Everyone got to say their piece and that was important. It teetered a little dangerously close to ‘Connie fixes Steven’ but since everyone else did talk and said some really important stuff it’s more like Connie just happened to go last and not that her words in particular were important above everyone else’s.

Steven hanging up the poster from the song Mr. Universe also is like- another mild criticism in that the implications there could use A WHOLE EPISODE OF THEIR OWN (he has accepted he is a Universe, he has accepted his father; there may or may not have been a talk about Greg’s decisions and why he made them) but the implications are there nonetheless and I love it.

STEVEN. HAS. A THERAPIST. THEY SAID THE WORDS ON CAMERA.

STEVEN'S COOKING AGAIN!!

A final conversation between him and his father and it was of a decent length yes thank you god.

He said goodbye to all the Crystal Gems not just the three he lives with YAY

CONVERSE KISS. AT LAST. Sure, it didn’t get to be the big dramatic moment we were hoping for, but it was sweet and THERE.

A CONFIRMATION OF A TIMESKIP which is good because he'd really need a stable place for those first few months following something that awful.

I'm glad they established there had been time between that and his road trip. I’m also glad they made sure to establish that his support system is going to be in contact with him constantly. My mom instincts are screaming that he’s still too young and too sick to be on the road alone and I’d rather that have happened in a year or two, but since he’s gonna be in constant contact, can, go home at any time, and is probably 1-2 months away from being eighteen at the time he sets out, I can accept that.

The implication that Steven might return is a deeply appreciated one, because I’d rather this ended where it did last time-- a family together on a beach. But Steven needs time to grow and learn and he can’t do that in Beach City right now which is a thing I get- but the fact that he’s just as likely to return as he is to settle elsewhere means that after he’s seen all he’s wanted to see he can always return to his family and find a new adventure waiting in Beach City. (Personally I’d like to think he opens a restaurant.) And for those who’d rather he settle elsewhere, they get to have that, too!

It’s a way to leave it open-ended without feeling cheap, because the whole season has been building up to him needing to get away at least for awhile, and I appreciate that.

I realize that Being Human was sung in pieces by (I believe) Sugar over the course of the season in the way that Love Like You was to hide that the speaker is Steven the way it was previously done to hide that the speaker was Rose, but man, my final criticism: I wish Steven had sung the song as he was leaving. Just. A short version of it maybe as he drove off. If the lack of Steven being musical this season was supposed to be a nod to his worsening mental spiral then it would make sense for him to sing one final song as he’s healing, a sign of hope, and to leave the viewers with one last goodbye from the boy himself.

(And also so our only Steven song isn’t the incredibly sad I’d Rather Be Me With You.)

But all in all? It was a good finale. A solid finale. I adored it and it made me Feel Things. It was amazing to see some theories come to fruition. It was amazing to tackle the wounds that the original series would have left on a child’s soul. It was an amazing experience overall and while I feel some things could have been done better, I am so, so glad I binged my way through the original series to experience Future as it happened. I regret not keeping up with the original series as it aired and I am so, so glad for the experience of getting to do that with this series’ last hurrah. It kind of hurts; I’ll be mourning this show’s loss for a long time. But in an internet littered with cartoons killed before their time, I am incredibly grateful this show got to come to a proper close, got to tell its story through to the end.

In this world of people there really is no one like you, Steven. We will always be your family, and each other’s. Thanks for the ride.

#steven universe #steven universe future #i am my monster #suf spoilers #steven universe future spoilers #steven universe finale

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much-brighter-ink · 4 years

Note

What about Kate Dalton do you relate to the most? I hope you’re doing great dude!

Oh gosh there’s a lot! This might be a little long but here we go

So I don’t consider myself very similar to her in personality or actions except for both of us being introverts (I’m nowhere near as pessimistic, impulsive, or snarky - I’d actually say I’m a lot more like Chess) but she was probably the first character that really struck a chord with me and it surprisingly went deeper than the sad-gay-and-anxious trope (though that’s something we do have in common) - she hates the people in the environment she’s in and wants to distance herself from the kids in the group she’s part of but is absolutely terrified at the thought of being alone. I dislike big groups of people I don’t know well and need time to recharge even after spending time with my closest friends, but I’ve had some really bad fear of missing out and couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve worried “my friends have forgotten me or would rather devote time to things/people that aren’t me” because it was a constant fear for most of 7-8th grade. Pretty much all of last summer was spent in a pretty bad mental place that stemmed from isolation (not going into detail but internet addiction, a medical problem that prevented me from going on a school trip my friends were all on, and some other things), not hearing from people I wished would talk to me, and feeling forgotten even though it was all projection. That and knowing the struggle of having unreciprocated feelings for a friend

In addition, I immediately likened Kate’s relationship with Chess to my relationship with one of my closest friends - depend on each other, both too hard on ourselves and don’t really realize that neither of us are doing well until after the fact if that makes sense? and during some time we were apart I know they didn’t forget me but I missed them a lot and now I’ve got a different friend moving away for a while and I’m going to miss her too

Anyway I also took a while to realize that things suck at moments but they can get better and they will eventually, it might be impossible to get a happy ending overnight but a happy future is definitely reachable (hence why I love Move On reprise and the Finale so much) and yeah that was a long and pretty incomprehensible ramble but thanks for the ask and for reading it anyway!!

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peridans · 5 years

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@inbooks ✦ CONTINUED FROM HERE

She didn’t want him to move; it didn’t matter that there were droplets of rain landing on her shoulders or the top of her head, she simply wanted to stay there, holding him, kissing him, touching him in ways she had been entirely too cautious of before to even allow herself to imagine. & yet he was moving, he was talking, & what little amount of recklessness she had been feeling suddenly EVAPORATED with the heat around her just like the water of the lake onto the sky. But no, oh, no, even his proximity allowed her to continue dreaming, & though she had to force herself to move her head in a nod ( lest the sound of her own voice truly made s e n s e return into her brain ) she did not even dare to let go of him.

When she had thought about her outing with Peridan days before, many a time she had imagined getting a glimpse into the way he was without having to worry to much about taking care of her; how was he outside the palace, how was he with his friends, with his family, when he wore something other than a suit & all those cables that kept him in contact with the police, & all other sorts of necessary connections for the sake of her safety. But apparently, that had not been the ONLY one of her dreams; as she pulled him by the hand out of the lake she realised & accepted it: she had dreamed of kissing his lips, of touching him, & every single claim that she had wished to experience life as a ‘ c o m m o n w o m a n ’ had been nothing more than her own denial that she had wished for so much more than the very friendship barely allowed to her with her guard.

She wanted to know what it would be like to fall asleep by his side, to wake & know he was somewhere near, to have breakfast with him as if the two lived together & she were no one more than maybe a teacher, or a journalist, or… something that did not immediately made of her heart the country’s business; she had wanted to have a moment in which she truly could imagine everything that could have been. & yet, now… she had acted upon it. “ Race you? ” She asked before she could stop herself; & though her voice didn’t exactly return reason into her like she had feared, it did made her heart jump a beat for the danger of what she was allowing. Because she wanted MORE, she wanted to kiss him again, she wanted everything she could have & more… it was no simple fancy, she knew that now.

“ Come on, before we end up more s o a k e d than we already are. ”

-[ ◘ ]-

𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐄’𝐒 𝐈𝐌𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐄𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐄𝐌𝐏𝐓 𝐇𝐈𝐌. though, of course, one might suggest that he had already been tempted beyond repair to follow her into a race. beneath the greying sky, perhaps the light of her eyes merely beckoned him forward in an inescapable allure — something dangerously charming glossing the eloquent words which graced her lips. a kiss & he is ensnared. a man of most gracious decorum & self-control has fallen into her grasps. peridan has always been h e r s, but the title has shifted almost entirely to a fresh meaning. he is no longer her guard... now a blissful secret hung between eager lips; a man who will follow this moment to the ends of the earth WITHOUT A SECOND GLANCE. for now, the future does not matter. for now, it is her & her alone which occupies his thoughts.

in a movement swift & ready, arms remove himself from the lake & feet take him to stand, a clutch of shoes and clothing damp at his side. the sense to take her hand, however, is OVERRULED... for a whirl of laughter & speed takes over & races ahead, the carpet of grass & flowers soothing under bare feet, the whispers of laughter muffling between the rumble of clouds overhead. it is not far to the cottage — their temporary home during misadventures and adventures all the like — & it is not far to shelter. hurried feet & teasing competitions make the journey shorter than it actually is. for after a while of chasing, forgetting that he is a trained military man & she but a queen, & aimlessly declaring ‘ catch up! ’ from the depth of his lungs, he cannot take a moment from his whirring mind to care that his breath is near exhausted; his lips swollen from biting in excitement.

seconds upon minutes pass, signalled by the firm press of a hand to the open kitchen door of their abode, a gleeful breath leaving in a huff whilst doing so. prideful, his torso twists & his body almost blockades anne’s entrance to the home. droplets fall in front of him, their origin being the overhang of a thatched roof; all the while the darkening clouds gain in intensity. ‘ i’m afraid it appears that I HAVE WON our little race home, ’ he says, a smirk painting across a red & proud expression. he leans back slightly, hands taking to deposit clothes on a reachable counter inside — palms soon coming to rest at his sides. it is unlike peridan to be so loud, yet it is anne who draws it out of him; he has uncovered a part of him he’d always thought was without reach. ‘ now, what is my reward? ’

#inbooks #* 𝐢. THREADS #* 𝐯. MODERN #* 𝐫. PERIDAN & ANNE ↷ for those who love time is eternal #wow i adore them

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just-me-writting · 5 years

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A Needle is a Prophet even if they don’t wish to be.

I guess we are diving into Needle psyche a bit today. Our starring role will explain their hate towards another vessel (which did nothing wrong).

Marquis and Nix will have his starring role in the next chapter! I promise! However, for this chapter, we meet one of Needles dead siblings.

I hope you guys liked it!

Nix, Nox, and Nok belong to @dajermce

Marquis belongs to @ivoirecrasfali

Silk belongs to @silkvessel

This AU, in general, belongs to @sothequeensays

The trip with the Tram was far shorter than Needle expected it to be. Maybe it was the fact that they spent most of the ride in their own head...ignoring everything around them. They should really stop that.

"So, from here it's only down and right...and down again. Like really down. The Abyss really far down."

"Yes, we understand that, Nox. Just show us the way." Marquis sighed annoyed and Needle swore they could hear some endearment in that sigh as well.

"Alright, this way!" Nox started to lead the way and everybody followed. It felt weird to Needle. Suddenly it hit them. How would they distract their siblings? They hadn't thought that far! For Mother's sake, they didn't think they would get that far! Well Okay, that's a blatant lie. They, however, did not expect more than just one sibling to lead them to the Abyss.

They probably should think about a plan but the Shadows weren't screaming so fucking loud. Why were they always so loud!

"Are you okay, Needle?" A whispering voice rang through all the screaming Shadows. It made Needle almost jump out of their own shell as their head turned rapidly towards the source of the voice as they are met with Noks void filled eyes staring back at Needle with concern. "You were holding your head like it was hurting. So I just thought...well that you were hurting, you know...."

As Nok was rambling Needle tried their best to comprehend what was going on. It took them a few seconds to realize what the concern was. It also took them a few more seconds to realize that they have stopped walking and that the group was staring at them.

"Ah...yeah, I...I just don't like loud noises..." their voice was weak but loud enough for everyone to hear. There was a moment of silence from the group before Marquis decided to speak up. "There are no loud noises."

Needle just let out an awkward chuckle before looking down once again. "Yeah...can we just move forward? Just ignore this please..."

Another moment of silence before they started to move again. It brought Needle a feeling of delight when they didn't ask.

The whole way to the Abyss they did not speak other than a few questions from Marquis. To Needles annoyance, they did have to climb a bit but they soon arrived at the entrance of the Abyss, which from above has not changed much. Well...as much Needle could see it was still a dark, loud hell that they actually didn't wish to return to.

At least the way down was still the same as their...dream? Still, Needle decided to follow the lead of the trio. Maybe they could fall behind and wander off. That's at least what they planned to do with Marquis. Who once they arrived to the bottom actually did wander off, with only Nox following behind...well now was just to get rid of the other two...man they did sound like an absolute bastard talking like that about their siblings They ignored the majority of their stay in the garden and didn't even bother to remember but what has to be done will be done.

Looking around for a way to lose the two Needle found this place to be rather...skullless. Not that they didn't appreciate that they weren't exactly fond of the idea of walking in their dead sibling's corpses. However, the graves were still very unnerving. Where did they come from?

"We made them." A whisper said as it made Needle realize that they had asked that question out loud. "We come here occasionally to explore and help out the Shades" Shadows "if they need it."

This took Needle by surprise. They knew of other vessels that could hear these Shadows but they actually haven't actually talked to them at all...well they tried once. With one vessel in particular but it didn't end well. Not that the other would know. Needle actually did talk to them, they tried, but...the moment they saw them surrounded by these Shadows...Shadows that didn't scream, that didn't curse, that didn't...reject them...it made Needle feel these feelings. Feelings that boiled inside of them for as long as they could remember. Rage and envy. Envy at the fact that this vessel had been accepted by the things that rejected them for no reason. As for rage, it was simply the fact this could have been them. The vessel may not have looked happy with its role but in farsight, their fate would have been much tamer than that of Needles (They did not wish to remember their fate), which made them angry to no end. The vessel who carried the name of Silk, a name they both shared at that point in their very young lives and which Needle decided to change afterward, made Needle realize something. Something they did not wish to think about. Not then, not now and not in the near future.

"So, did the Shadows-"

"Shades" Nix interrupted Needle to correct them. "Whatever. Did the Shades ask you to bury their bodies?" The mocking tone in their voice made Nix clearly unhappy but before she could say anything Nok interrupted her. "Some did, others we just buried because they are, you know our siblings." He turned to a grave and so did Nix, seemingly having suddenly forgotten about Needles little sass just a minute ago. As Nok continued to ramble about the graves and for once Needle was actually listening, there was a sudden whisper. "Listen, Prophet. Be quiet and don't say a word." The whisper made Needle realize how quiet it was. When did the Shadows stop screaming? Ans this voice was clearly not Nix. No, Nix would not address them in such a way. Dear beloved Mother, nobody had addressed them as Prophet for almost as long as they have been outside of the Abyss. This was clearly a Shadow.

Anger. They could feel it, all the hate that they harbored for so long. It almost wanted to turn and find the voice only to scream at them. They did not care if their voice did not allow, they would break it if it was necessary.

But yet...they did not do such a thing. They stayed quiet. Like the Shadow has requested. "Prophet, I am the Guide. This is my title as I have no name, so you will address me as such. I am here to guide you to your prophecy. Today the Void called, our Lord called and you came. So please move slowly and follow my voice."

As soon as the words were spoken the Prophet did as such. Needle hated themselves for following orders from the Guide. They were a Shadow, they were below them and yet from the deepest hole in their own mind, the place of memories denied for so long, they knew they could not resist the words of their very own Sibling. Their clutch mate. They did not wish to acknowledge it. They wish to deny it. But they could not in the end. The memories always flooded back.

As soon as Needle was sure that they were far enough away from their siblings they turned around and found themselves face to face with a Shadow. One that looked so similar to the vessel in their dream (or was it a calling?) that they were certain that it was the same being. Still, the urge to scream arose again and still, Needle did not.

"Very well Prophet. You have heard your calling. The Lord and the Void have called you and as I see you met the Maskmaker." The Shadow said as it turned back around to look into the deep darkness of the Abyss and started floating in a certain direction. Needle followed. Not like they had much of a choice now. They already came here and the Guide would bring them to their destination.

"You know I have a name."

"Names are mere titles with no fate attached. I will not address you with a fateless title if have a fate laid out in front of you. You have a title." Needle sometimes wished they didn't. It felt like a wave of memories were suddenly flowing over them. Drowning them in their own despair. The knowledge of their very own life, from beginning to the end was laid in front of them. The path that only brought pain into their life. They had once tried to wander off this path but it only leads to them being hurt. It made them realize how much, outside of their purpose, they were replaceable. They were so often overlooked and ignored. Maybe it was because of their hight or maybe it was because of their knowledge people tended to either not see them or just ignore them. So the decision to find somebody alike. Somebody like Silk. They had hoped they would find closure, that they weren't alone in all this. Yes, They had Mio and Fior but they just took them in out of pity. Needle was sure of that. But Silk was somebody like them and then they saw the Shadows, the Shades, their dead siblings. They were so gentle with them. Whispering. It hurt. It hurt to see that even in their own prophecy...they were replaceable. And suddenly everything broke. They did not wish to speak, they did not wish to even acknowledge such emotions. They rejected them like their very own clutch mates did once Needle hatched. They denied them and buried those feelings face inside whole inside their very own mind. And now. Now they shall behold their very own fate. They could not escape their prophecy. They knew from the beginning, that happiness on this path would not be reachable and yet they had hope that maybe...maybe for once they would not be replaced. Maybe that's why they came. To reassure that nobody else did. To make sure that they were the one that the Lord has called.

Torn out of their thoughts by the sudden halt of the Guide. In front of them was the lake of void. It's shores radiated with power. "Do you know how to call upon the Lord of Shades?" Needle shook their head. They did not know that...even with their knowledge of the life that they would live, they did not know how to call upon their Lord that they would serve. It was fucking pathetic...

"I thought so. Then I shall teach you. Close your mind to anything else other than the Void. Not the voice of the siblings nor on your emotions." That was easier said than done but Needle still tried. It felt like they were returning in their own head but instead of their own voice, they could hear whispers. The prophet could not understand them. "This is the shore. Push past it and you will call upon the Lord, trapped inside its very own." The voice of the Guide was clear as day like their title suggested they were guiding them through the steps of summoning.

Needle, After countless tries finally pushed past the shores and suddenly they mind felt like they were falling. "Put on the mask. You shall not face our Lord with your eyes. Only through the mask, you shall speak to them. At least for now." Needle nodded and even to their mind was falling, they turned their mask to cover their face.

Shortly after that, a voice rang through them and their mind no longer was falling. "Finally..."

Slowly the shore rippled. Multiple gigantic arms rose from below, pushing up an even more gigantic body. Those eyes. Those eight eyes. This was the creature that has called upon them. This was their Lord.

The being lowered its head to stare at Needle. Its white eyes were glowing yet Needle could not read their Lords emotions. Did it even have any?

"You came, my prophet. I believe you know why came. It is finally time. Time to pressure our goal." Its booming voice shook Needles body to their void core. "Find beings willing to worship the Void. Find beings willing to sacrifice their life for the freedom of the void. It will be a long task but we shall be patient."

Slowly their Lord halted one of its hands in front of Needle. One of its fingers stretched forward. On its finger laid something. It was black as the Void itself and carved with the pictures of two Shado- Shades! Shades. They were Shades and the thing was a charm.

Slowly Needle took it from the Lords' finger and immediately found themselves filled with confidence. They felt like they could talk to anybody. It felt...new. They never felt like this before and it felt nice. Needle quickly equipped the charm upon them.

"This charm shall help you on your task. It will persuade the strong-willed and manipulate the weaker." The Lord of Shades drew back its hand. "I hope that I have not been mistaken in my faith in you." After these words, they once again returned to the void. Weakened by its presence outside of it.

Needle mind was slowly being filled by it's surrounding again. Still, the words of their Lord still rang in their head. It determined them. They will not be overlooked. They will most definitely not be replaced.

Suddenly, there was screaming. The Shado-Shades. They were screaming. Why were they screaming? They clearly weren't screaming at them. It was a mess of words screeched by those that were long dead, whoever there was one sentence that Needle seemed to understand perfectly.

"He is coming!" A warning. Needle looked alarmed at the Guide who did not look any less worried as they were. "Who is coming?" Needle decided to ask. Slowly her met theirs and she whispered but sounded more like a terrified gasp.

"The Wyrm."

#oc:needle #oc:silk #oc:nix #oc:nox #oc:nok #oc:marquis #hollow knight #hollow knight oc #the lord of shades #dajermce #ivoirecrasfali #silkvessle #qmau #sothequeensays

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iseul2056-blog · 5 years

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hiii everyone! i’m finally here. this is rosé bringing in my son, byun iseul, who’s also the biggest sponsor to damsu. tl;dr he’s a robin hood-esque slash masked vigilante that happened to have a superstitious father that foresaw a kind of incoming apocalypse, thus training him for survival. if you’d like to plot with him, i’m easily reachable via discord ( rosé.#6236 ) more than tumblr im, although i don’t mind the latter either. just like this plot and i’ll come running to you! without further ado, i’m going to dump information about iseul under the read more!

INTRODUCTION.

birthed in one of the richest families in south korea 5031, his father and mother used to be that quixotic couple with his father leading in a multitude of industries as both a stakeholder and in some, owner. both parents came from long lines of inherited money, legacies that only expanded in his father’s hands.

his father was rather unorthodox, predicting that the world would collapse soon with theories to back him up. survival of the fittest, so he trained iseul in terms of physical and material and mental advances. he was homeschooled until the end of primary school, attending various courses to support and enhance his physical and intellectual capabilities.

his friends as a child came from the same social circles, especially from his mother’s side as she is a socialite. when he started school in a public setting, he went along well with some people while remaining private for the most parts of himself. has a penchant for compartmentalization for sure. dishonest as a person in general, and in result of realizing this himself, has slight trust issues.

when he was twelve, his mother left the family due to not having enough attention from his father mostly — who was always busy with both work and thoughts. his mother remarried two years after the divorce, and her new husband is also within the same social status as them, so iseul did have a period where he would avoid attending galas and the likes.

he loved his father, and always does, but there are significant values that his father held which he couldn’t truly grasp, let alone practice. it enveloped the entire view of having their money for themselves, including preserving any means to survive the collapse. every man for himself was basically how his father drilled him, but he grew a good conscience that led him to feel internally conflicted.

unbeknownst to his father, he often stole from fellow influencers to give the money towards the poor. this was done out of slight malice, in which he believes that every rich person should be contributing to the cause. and when the great divide occurred, there was a huge rift between his father and him for the first time in forever. the difference in principles made him run away for approximately a few months, until his father summoned him during the last dying breath.

in 2054, he inherited his father’s wealth in its unadulterated form, including the bribes, the corruptions, the malpractices. he started understanding to what extent his father was willing to preserve their safety in a world where money rules. it touched him, yet startled him in a sense that he’s certain all the hates would be redirected towards him later on as the face of this extreme affluence.

he made a few changes to the companies his father previously had a power in, and started building and reaching out towards more ecosystemic endeavors. his money is mostly delegated to the greater good, spending so much to support the attempts to make seoul a better place. when he deemed it wasn’t enough anymore, he began to steal small, thanks to his father’s years of harnessing his abilities.

in 2055, he started adopting the alias zero, as both a masked vigilante and also a thief, a robber. he’s been creating a lattice of networks both inside and outside the borders, although it took a while for those in the outskirts to believe in his cause when he barely keeps in contact with them apart from dropping sums of necessities. his presence renders some dysphoria to happen, with some factions getting more fragmented seeing what he’s been doing for the poor.

his façade is definitely polished to perfection, parading accordingly to his status as a really wealthy man. he’s amicable, but he keeps his distance from most people, especially those who appear close to him. his lies are often coherent and cohesive, causing people to think it’s his actual self, when in fact, it’s somewhere far. he’s actually fairly private, constantly wedging a gap with others, although some managed to penetrate the barriers, getting to know him a tad deeper.

as his front in his daily lives, he has a dozen of bodyguards and k9 dogs to protect him. it makes him seem even more unreachable as it is, as it gets under his skin when plenty of people inquire over donation because of his status as damsu’s biggest sponsor. also, has enough servants for his old mansion, marbled with ivory walls.

actually distrustful towards the green party, and sides better with the poor since it’s whom he wants to protect. he has many underground channels as zero, helping him get his gears and technology, as well as other utilities he needs to perform his field thieveries. he’s not completely blank when it comes to hacking either, although he’d prefer allocating the work towards those more experienced than him.

he has a certain flair to his being zero, mixing various martial arts to concoct his own moves. parkour is a forte as well, with good instincts towards danger that he honed during his stay in the outskirts. will never show any fight as iseul seeing that people might be able to connect the dots if they notice his movement patterns.

CONNECTIONS.

the right hands ( 0 / 2 ): one person inside the border, and another in the outskirts to ensure that he can have backups sent to him as soon as he’s injured if necessary. they are the only ones who have discovered zero’s identity, and have been supporting iseul’s plans since he ran away from home. one of them might be a hacker and the other has connections with technological advancements.

rebel informants ( 0 / ? ): the outskirts people that happened to encounter him as zero — ones which exchange information with a sum of money, water, or sometimes with a deed. this is an underground channel that assists him in his endeavors; some of them would know his motives while some are there purely for the symbiosis.

the so-called social circle ( 0 / ? ): those who are of the well-off communities, meeting him as byun iseul. he’s one of the richest in the circle, and he’s always presenting himself well as his father’s successor. some of these connections could span from his childhood to adulthood. he tends to be charismatic, and oftentimes would refuse inebriating himself.

miscellaneous ( 0 / ? ): green party members, those working for the companies he’s sponsoring, also some journalists that make zero into news. also, victims of his stealing — especially stingy wealthy families.

INTERVIEWS.

what are your thoughts on the green party? are they really going to make a change?

❛ this might sound rather feigned to some, if not most, but i do want the best to occur for everyone’s benefits, even when it would cost me quite a fortune, and i urge for everyone else to do the same even when the price of a better world is not cheap. i understand that people will be in the sides they’ve chosen to be in, but we’re fighting for what we see as the better in any ways that we can. any ways that we see as… just. ❜ presses his lips into a thin line, as though he’s deep in thoughts. ❛ but i definitely want to believe that they would make a change, even if it has to come with various hurdles. in that sense, nonetheless, i wish that the next steps taken would bloom into something beneficial. ❜

on a scale from 1-10; how much have you suffered during the great divide and why?

❛ i didn’t deal with it entirely well when it comes to the psychological aspects, ❜ his syllables are almost too indifferent, edged with a distance set between him and the interviewer. ❛ however, compared to how the others outside our walls, physical and metaphorical, have suffered… i’d rate it as naught, almost. my battles were personal as they came, the great divide becoming nothing but an icing on top of it all… but i don’t suppose making this about myself is the right step to execute. suffering is, after all, relative… to rate it as a one, or a ten, they remain an illusionary perspective that i don’t think we can afford right now. material-wise, i did have no suffering to bear, but there were other aspects as well — ones which i don’t wish to disclose. ❜

what are your plans for the next few years? work? love? adopt an animal? any changes in your life?

❛ i’m not entirely sure. there are too many visions to be realized within a short span of this life that we have, with the crisis to be resolved. there are several plans in mind that i’d like to reap myself, of course, but my priorities lie in ensuring that there’s enough sustenance for everyone. ❜ a calm smile is splayed on his lips as he fixates his gaze. ❛ there’s a lot of worries, but as for me myself, i’d like to find more effective ways to maneuver around my line of work, distributing towards the better world than what we have now. as for love, i don’t think we’ll ever know when we’ll find the person that comprehends us best. it’s a matter of circumstances. animals, i don’t think i can divide my attention as of current, so the ones i have around me now have to suffice, even when i don’t take care of them personally. ❜

HEADCANONS.

circa survive, the world was never fractured for a boy that was prepared for when the structure would collapse. appa was a believer of anticlimactic armageddon, foreseeing the future just from the mere understandings in regards to the past and present. the fittest was destined to be a boy that shouldn’t be frail, and therefore, he was trained, groomed to the tallest skyscraper with a spine made of the strongest metal appa could get his hands on. appa lived in the paranoia that eventually killed him. there was no sustenance to a man that could never be sated; his lack of satisfaction led him to be one of the biggest giants in the industry. at home, appa was a figment of violent imagination, turning the only son malleable to seek delight from performing an open heart surgery on a nightly basis. there was knowledge poured into a casket too young, and iseul knew that when given a chance, appa would nail it shut with iseul alive inside. calculative, maladaptive, appa was everything that he was afraid of — the face of his night terrors, personified.

except appa eventually passed during the fall of the apocalypse. appa’s prediction was true, however: the world doesn’t come away with a bang. instead, it withers, slowly but surely. it’s been withering for a while now for a boy that grew into a man with too many teeth, and he’s been sinking all the canines into the core of this bereavement. appa paved a path that was too skewed for his liking, with the great divide erupting into a full-blown verbal argument between appa and him. there was an entire line that should’ve led to the head if he chased after the tail enough, and so, that’s what he did regardless of how appa disapproved. they should’ve utilized, exploited what they had as opposed to distributing it around the society. resources could be limited even when they probably were one of the wealthiest, their culture of affluence divided into too many strata. they fought, and he often walked away with anger. justice should’ve been preserved, but he wasn’t one to say a thing when he wasn’t one on the shorter end of the stick.

appa was his crux, still. the death did not do him well during the great divide, returning home to an open coffin ceremony. and so, for years he became complacent with what he inherited, trying to live off his legacy. when damsu came out unscathed, he was there first, believing that somewhat it was a compromise. and poured more into it until it became a bottomless well. he shouldn’t be the only one responsible when the rich still remained as the rich, the poor likewise. he began to steal, to lie, to cheat. everything that appa prepared him for in a world where there was no survival but through violence thrived in an environment that didn’t support justice. and so, he became the man in the myth, the modern robin hood with a supportive delegation with him as the head. he rebels against appa’s commitment towards selfishness, even if it costs him his sleep — a reminder that even after appa’s death, he still lives under appa’s shadows.

#2056intro #𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝟕𝐓𝐇 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐒𝐄: ooc.

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