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fy-kpopfanfiction · 6 years

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Instinct - Binhwan

Fulfilled Request!! If you have any requests, send me a message or an ask! Anons welcome! Only M/M pairings, but I’ll write just about anyone! :)

Pairing: Binhwan (Hanbin/Jinhwan) Mentioned: Bobby/Junhoe

Summary: “Everyone in the world orbited around Hanbin like he was the sun which Jinhwan had to admit he kind of was.”

Or, the fic where Jinhwan is jealous of all the attention Hanbin gets and he’s not exactly sure why.

Warning: I took a lot of liberties with this, changing up Ikon’s dorm and such for the sake of the fic. There’s also quite a bit of swearing at one point. Blame Bobby. He’s the potty mouth here. lol

Word Count: 11,381 (This got out of hand)

Rating: T

“Hyung…”

Jinhwan’s eyes flicked up from the dinner he was preparing in the kitchen floor.

He could see across the dorm into the living room where Chanwoo was whining to someone. Upon second glance, he realized that someone was their leader.

Hanbin was seated on the couch with a laptop in his lap. Jinhwan was sure he was working hard on song lyrics or song production of some sort though it was their day off and he should be relaxing like the rest of them. Jinhwan worried about the other members not resting enough, not eating enough, not drinking enough water.

He worried about everything. It was his job as dorm mother.

“Hyung…” Chanwoo whined again as he flopped onto the couch and curled against Hanbin’s left arm.

Hanbin stopped typing for a moment and Jinhwan saw a little smile peeking out at the corner of his mouth.

Everyone loved Hanbin, though the leader didn’t always see that. The hateful comments from the antis always outweighed the loving ones from the fans. The constructive criticism always ate at him more than the compliments fed him.

He could clearly feel Chanwoo’s love now. Jinhwan looked away, chopping vegetables for the soup he’d be making for dinner that evening.

“Hyung, can’t you take a break from work? Everyone else is busy and I want someone to watch anime with me.”

Hanbin giggled.

Jinhwan chopped louder.

“Hyung looks tired. You need a break.”

“Alright.”

Jinhwan could hear the leader’s sigh from the kitchen. It set his teeth on edge.

He stared down at the carrot he was chopping. He heard the sound of their footsteps retreating to Chanwoo’s room down the hall.

He stood to put his vegetables in boiling water, wondering why he felt so peculiar.

He shook his head and focused on the rest of the meal preparation. He didn’t have time to worry over the other members. They were relaxing. He was the one still doing work. Where was someone to worry about him?

“Hyung, come eat some food.”

Jinhwan was dishing up bowls of soup when he heard Donghyuk’s voice behind him.

He turned, wondering why Donghyuk was addressing him when he was clearly with the food, though he always served himself last.

Donghyuk faced away from him, staring across to the living room where Hanbin had again taking up residence on the couch with his laptop. His anime adventure with Chanwoo lasted thirty minutes.

“Hanbinnie hyung! You need to eat.”

Jinhwan huffed. “Donghyuk, I’m going to serve everyone like I always do, even our leader.”

Donghyuk spun around. “Oh, Jinhwan hyung. I didn’t see you there.”

Jinhwan glared at him. Donghyuk was an actual angel but he felt on edge again. How did he not notice him? Where had he been the entire afternoon?

“I’ll serve everyone,” he repeated.

“I know, but I am worried about Hanbin hyung. He’s been working all day and I want him to eat. I’ll take him some food.”

“I’m here, Donghyuk-ah,” Hanbin ruffled Donghyuk’s hair and a grin spread over the latter’s face.

“Hyung!” He hugged him from the side, still grinning.

Jinhwan turned back to the stove, dipping soup into the last three bowls.

“Hyung, please eat something.”

“I’m going to.”

“I worry about you.”

“Here…” Jinhwan took his own bowl, leaving the others on the counter. He stalked off to his room to eat his dinner. “Serve yourselves tonight.”

“What’s wrong with him?” He heard Hanbin ask as he walked out of the room.

That was a good question.

What was wrong with him?

The last few weeks, he had been getting weirder and weirder where Hanbin was concerned. Everything the leader did seemed to put him on edge. Anyone else interacting with the leader made his jaw tighten.

He had tried to pinpoint a specific event where Hanbin might have wronged him in some way, but he could think of nothing. Hanbin was a great leader, very caring. He always put others before himself.

Jinhwan sulked in his room for the rest of the night.

Two days later, they were back to work in the studio and practice room. Long hours, close quarters. Not nearly enough food or water.

Tensions were bound to be high, but Jinhwan felt particularly on edge.

During a rare break from practice, he sat in the corner away from everyone, sipping his water.

Observing.

The maknae line was goofing off in the other corner, wasting their precious water, squirting it at each other and then cackling like idiots.

Yunhyeong was lazing against the mirror, nursing his own bottle of water whilst holding a fan in front of his sweat-soaked face.

Then there was Hanbin on the bench with Bobby.

Bobby was seated on the end of the bench while Hanbin stretched out with his head resting on Bobby’s lap. Bobby giggled while he held a bottle of water over Hanbin’s mouth, tipping it slightly so that tiny droplets splashed into the leader’s mouth.

Hanbin wiggled and whined, begging for an actual drink but Bobby held it out of his reach.

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. Hanbin could easily sit up and take the bottle and drink as much as he wanted. Why was he engaged in this idiotic play?!

“Looks like a mating dance.”

Jinhwan jumped and looked up when someone spoke above him.

Junhoe had left the other maknaes and came stand by Jinhwan. “What?”

“The hyungs.” He nodded his head toward Bobby and Hanbin.

Jinhwan turned his head to look like he hadn’t just been staring at them for the past five minutes. “What do you mean?”

“I was just joking around, hyung.”

“No, seriously. What do you mean by that?”

Junhoe laughed and sank down to sit by Jinhwan against the wall. “Well, it just looks like those nature documentaries where you see the goofy birds jumping around in front of the other bird they want to hook up with. Hyung could easily smack Bobby and take that bottle of water, but he just lays there eating up all that attention, just watching Bobby’s mating dance.”

Jinhwan’s jaw clenched tight as he stared at the two of them, seeing the scene from this new perspective. He stood up, glancing down at Junhoe. “You’re an idiot,” he grumbled, walking out of the practice room.

He needed some air. It was too hot in the room.

That’s what he told himself when he needed walls between him and Hanbin.

Later that night when the practice was finally over and it was far too late for most people to think about eating, the guys were awarded some time to do just that.

The restaurant delivered straight to the dorm and it was waiting for them when they returned from practice. They took turns eating and showering.

Bobby and Hanbin showered first. When they returned, Jinhwan and Donghyuk went. When Jinhwan returned to the kitchen to eat, Donghyuk who’d eaten first went off to bed. Bobby and Hanbin were still seated at the table, looking like they’d hardly touched their food. Something on Bobby’s phone seemed more captivating.

Yunhyeong was nearly asleep on his noodles while Junhoe and Chanwoo scrambled up to take their showers.

Jinhwan got his food and stood near the counter to eat, his eye on Hanbin and Bobby who seemed not to notice that anyone else was in the room.

Bobby had his head on Hanbin’s shoulder as they laughed at something – a video probably – on Bobby’s phone.

Jinhwan had always loved Hanbin’s laughter, but it made his jaw tighten today.

After a particularly loud bout of laughter, Bobby lifted his head to look at Hanbin. He pointed to the screen as if Hanbin might have missed whatever hysterical antic had just taken place.

Hanbin nodded, laughing again.

Bobby’s hand disappeared under the table and Hanbin mirrored his former position – his head resting over on Bobby’s shoulder.

The hair on the back of Jinhwan’s neck stood up as he watched Bobby’s arm moving slowly back and forth. The table blocked his view of his hand and his face grew hot with frustration. What was he doing under there?

He took his food and walked around the table to get a look at them. The wouldn’t notice him, he was sure. If they did, he could pretend that he had wanted to see the video on Bobby’s phone.

Bobby’s hand lay on Hanbin’s thigh, gently stroking it.

Jinhwan had the most immature inclination to pour his japchae over Bobby’s head.

What was wrong with him?

He put his takeaway container into the refrigerator, having eaten almost nothing, and went off to bed.

He fooled himself into thinking a good night’s sleep would rid him of these strange feelings.

Since the last two weeks’ worth of good night’s sleep had done nothing, he should have known this one wouldn’t change a thing.

The following day, every little thing seemed to drive Jinhwan mad.

The managers ruffling Hanbin’s hair and telling him how well he was doing.

The stylists commenting on how handsome he was getting as they fussed over his outfits and hair.

The make-up artist telling him that he didn’t even need to be made up. He was so “naturally handsome.”

Handsome. Handsome. Handsome.

Stupid, perfect handsome Hanbin that everyone wanted to touch and fawn over.

That let everyone touch and fawn over him.

Jinhwan stopped still in the middle of the room where they were being made up for a variety show appearance.

A realization as heavy as an anvil fell on him.

He wasn’t angry at Hanbin.

He wasn’t annoyed with Hanbin.

He was annoyed with everyone else.

Because he wanted to the be the one fawning all over Hanbin and telling him that he was handsome.

He wanted to be the one… touching Hanbin.

“Hyung…”

Jinhwan nearly leapt out of his own skin at the sound of Hanbin’s voice.

“Huh?” He asked, breath coming too quickly, making him temporarily dizzy.

“Are you okay, hyung?”

Jinhwan turned his eyes slowly to the right when Hanbin’s hand came to rest on his shoulder.

“You were just standing in the middle of the room staring off and you almost looked… scared. Now, you look... I don’t know. Scared, I guess. Dizzy. Are you sick?”

He shook his head, “no,” but said, “Maybe.”

Hanbin’s hand moved from his shoulder to his forehead. “You’re hot, hyung.”

Jinhwan gulped. “W- what?”

Hanbin’s hand moved back to his shoulder. “You feel hot, like a fever. Maybe you should lie down a minute.”

Jinhwan stared at Hanbin’s handsome face, contorted with worry. He chewed at his bottom lip as he stared back at his short hyung. Jinhwan had seen him do that countless times when he was nervous or worried about something.

“I’m okay,” he told him, stepping backward. Hanbin’s hand on him was doing nothing for his nerves.

“Are you sure? Do you want some water? I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine, I said.” He snapped at him and instantly knew that it was too much, too harsh.

Hanbin closed off, backed away, gave a curt nod. “Okay.”

Jinhwan felt like garbage.

“I just don’t understand what’s wrong with him.”

Jinhwan stopped outside the kitchen, hidden behind the wall, and listened to the conversation going on inside. Hanbin speaking to someone.

“What do you mean? I haven’t noticed anything.”

Bobby.

Jinhwan rolled his eyes. Some days, he was surprised that Bobby noticed the existence of anyone else. He was a nice guy, but so goofy that Jinhwan rarely took him seriously.

“He’s been acting strange lately.”

Jinhwan leaned on the wall, wondering who this was that had been acting strange lately. Maybe Junhoe. He seemed to be the only one not fawning all over Hanbin. The leader probably considered that strange behavior because everyone orbited around him like he was the sun which Jinhwan had to admit, he kind of was.

“I’m just worried about Jinhwan hyung, I don’t know.”

Jinhwan shot up and away from the wall. Worried about him? Hanbin was worried about him? Well, he had said that earlier when they were working, and he’d thought Jinhwan was feverish. He sighed. He was just worried that he was sick.

“He hardly ever talks to me and when he does, he’s so short.”

Bobby interjected, “Well, Hanbin, in fairness, Jinhwan is always that short. He can’t help it.”

Jinhwan heard the sound of a smack and hoped it hurt. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Ow! Don’t smack me.”

“Don’t be stupid. I’m serious. Hyung always acts angry like I did something wrong to him. I can’t remember doing anything wrong. Do you think I did?”

“Hanbin-ah, you never do anything wrong. You’re nice and you always take care of us. I don’t know what the hell his problem is, but it’s not you. If he wants to be an asshole, fuck him.”

Jinhwan’s hands dropped to his side and clenched into fists. How dare Bobby talk about him that way?

He came into the kitchen casually, like he hadn’t been eavesdropping. Hanbin jerked his head toward him while Bobby acted as if he hadn’t noticed anyone enter the room.

“Hyung.” Hanbin took a step toward him.

Jinhwan passed him up, walking to the refrigerator, his original destination. He needed to prepare dinner. He didn’t have time for Hanbin and this nonsense.

Hanbin shooed Bobby out of the kitchen. “Hyung… Can I talk to you?”

“I’m busy.”

“Hyung, what did I do wrong? I can’t remember doing anything that would make you so unhappy with me.”

Jinhwan ignored him, slamming the door to the refrigerator closed. He’d lost his appetite. The rest of them could eat ramen for dinner or figure out something else. He wasn’t in the mood to cook anymore.

Hanbin caught him by the arm as he tried to leave. “Jinhwan, Hyung, please. Talk to me.”

When Jinhwan looked back, Hanbin was biting his bottom lip, looking pitiful. He shrugged his hand off and took a step backward. “There’s nothing to talk about. I’m not upset with you.”

I’m upset at the fact that I have feelings for you and it’s absolutely idiotic.

“Please… We’re friends, right? Can’t you just be honest with me? I know something is wrong. You’ve been avoiding me or being mean to me for weeks.

Jinhwan felt a stab of guilt and looked away.

“What did I do? Just tell me what I did, and I’ll make up for it. I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you.”

“You didn’t do anything! Okay? That’s the problem! You never do anything!”

Hanbin’s eyes widened. “W – what do you mean? I… work all the time. I…”

“Not work.” Jinhwan dragged a hand through his hair, tangling it. “You never do anything with me. You do everything with everyone else. You fawn all over the maknaes. You flirt with Bobby all the time. You let everyone lay all over you and grab you and play with your hair. And you do the same to them and you just do and do and do. Everything with everyone else, but you barely even talk to me unless we’re forced to talk on some stupid program!”

“Hyung, I…”

“Just shut up! It doesn’t even matter. Just leave me alone, alright. You didn’t do anything. I’m not mad at you. It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me!” Hanbin stamped his foot on the hardwood kitchen floor. “I don’t understand! You’re the one avoiding me the last few weeks.”

Jinhwan opened his mouth to rebut, but no decent argument came to him.

“You seem mad at me for not… I don’t know, paying enough attention to you, but you’re mean to me every time I talk to you. You snap at me or you just walk away. You don’t try to spend time with me, so what sense does any of this make?”

“It doesn’t, okay? Nothing about the way I feel makes any sense, so just leave me alone, Hanbin.” Jinhwan turned and stalked out of the kitchen.

Hanbin heard the front door to the dorm slam a moment later and he knew that Jinhwan had just left. He slid down to the floor and slumped back against the cabinets behind him. He let out a sigh as his head came to rest on the cabinet door. He closed his eyes, hoping that Jinhwan would return soon and that things would go back to normal between them. Friends shouldn’t be at each other’s throats like this.

“You’re fucked.”

Hanbin’s eyes popped open.

Bobby stood in the doorway to the kitchen, a smirk on his face.

“What?”

“You. Are. Fucked.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Hyung…” He jerked his head toward the general direction of the front door.

“What about him? Were you listening to our conversation?”

“Of course.”

Hanbin made a displeased noise – something between a snort and a grunt – and crossed his arms over his chest. “Fine, so what are you talking about?”

“You…”

“And don’t say that I’m fucked again!”

“I wasn’t going to! I was going to say that you’re screwed.”

Hanbin jumped to his feet and Bobby immediately threw his hands up in front of him like a shield. “OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!” he shouted. “Don’t hit me!”

Hanbin leaned back against the counter, his hips digging into the sharp edge. “Spill it now.”

“You’re so dumb, Hanbin, really. No, not dumb. Blind. How do you not see it?”

“See what?!”

“Hyungie has a little bitty crush on you!”

Hanbin’s face twisted. “What?!” He shook his head rapidly. “That’s not true. You’re an idiot.”

“He wants you bad.”

“No.”

“Why else would he mention that you flirt with me all the time?”

“I don’t flirt with you all the time!”

“I know that.” Bobby nodded. “You know that.” Another nod. “Hyung doesn’t know that.” He shook his head then.

“But he… it doesn’t matter. He was just…” Hanbin cut off, because he didn’t have a clue what Jinhwan had been talking about before he stormed out of the dorm.

“He was just saying that he wants to fuck you and you’re too busy wanting to fuck everyone else… or so he thinks.”

Hanbin nearly swallowed his own head.

Bobby laughed at him. “You should see your face.”

“Shut up, Bobby. I don’t… You don’t… This is ridiculous.”

“I’m telling you, man. He likes you. I was kidding about the fucking. I mean, he probably wants that too, but I’m not sure he was trying to portray that just now. He’s just jealous that you spend so much time with the rest of us when he wants you to spend time with him, to let him, I don’t know, do all that shit he was talking about.”

How could Bobby be such an idiot, yet see the things that he couldn’t?

Hanbin sighed and slowly ran his hand through his hair. “Should I go after him?”

Bobby covered his face with his hand and shook his head. “You really are stupid, aren’t you? Yes, just go. Go after him.”

Hanbin nearly tripped over his own feet trying to get out of the kitchen. Bobby grabbed his upper arm and jerked him back. “Wait… You do want to fuck him, right?”

“Bobby!”

Bobby laughed like a hyena. “Sorry. I mean, you do like him, right? Don’t run after him just to tell him that you’re not into him. That wouldn’t be a good idea.”

Hanbin stared at him for a moment. “I… I don’t know what I feel. I thought we were just friends.”

“You are.” Bobby released his arm now that he was no longer trying to get away. “But he wants…”

“I heard you the other times! Don’t repeat it!”

“I wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say he wants to be something else. It’s obvious.”

It wasn’t, but Hanbin had to believe Bobby. He made such a compelling argument.

When Hanbin caught up with Jinhwan, he was two blocks from the dorm. It was dark outside and Hanbin didn’t feel comfortable knowing that Jinhwan had been walking out here on his own or that they were now walking on their own – just the two of them.

“Hyung…”

“Why did you come after me?”

“Bobby told me I should,” he said stupidly.

“If you’re taking advice from Bobby now, you may want to reevaluate your life choices.”

Hanbin smiled a little at that. Jinhwan had a point. Who would take advice from Bobby? His smile fell.

But he had just taken advice from Bobby! What if Bobby was completely wrong about everything? What if he didn’t know what he was talking about? That was the issue – he didn’t know what he was talking about! They all knew that!

He ran his hand through his hair, pulling at it a little as if injuring his scalp would magically show him the right course of action.

“Look, I know what he probably told you,” Jinhwan said. He wasn’t looking at Hanbin. He stared off down the street.

Hanbin was glad for that because his fingers had gotten tangled in his hair that was really getting too long. He tugged at it, wincing when his head ached. “You do?” He gulped when he was no longer focused on his tangled hair and could fully feel the weight of that remark.

“Yeah, of course. He told you to come find me because it’s dark and it’s your duty as the leader to make sure that I don’t get mugged on the dark streets of Seoul.” He turned finally, looking at Hanbin. His face was red and filled with raw emotion – anger or something like it. Hanbin was terrible at judging the emotions of others, obviously. “But it’s not! I’m the oldest and I can watch out for myself. You don’t have to come after me. Go home.”

Hanbin cowered back. It amazed him how someone so small could speak with so much power. He often wondered why Jinhwan hadn’t been chosen as leader, probably just because the elder didn’t want the job. He’d make a great leader. He surely knew how to boss them all around and keep them in line.

“What are you staring at?! Go home!”

Another emotion flickered in Jinhwan’s eyes and Hanbin almost thought he saw his lip tremble but Jinhwan turned away too quickly for him to properly register it. Was Jinhwan sad?

Bobby was right. He really was an idiot.

“Hyung, I don’t want to go back. I want to talk to you. I want to understand what is going on between us.”

“Nothing is going on between us.”

“Should there be? Help me to understand. I… I’m not as smart as you, okay? I don’t understand what it is that you want me to understand. I don’t know why you’re so mad at me for not spending time with you. I… Is it just that we’re friends and I shouldn’t neglect you in favor of the others or is it… something more?”

“If you’re so stupid, I’m not going to waste time explaining it to you.”

Hanbin jumped back like Jinhwan had punched him in the face. He’d been punched in the face before – it hurt less.

Jinhwan spun toward him, reaching out to him like he was trying to save a drowning man, grasping for him but Hanbin was out of his reach. “Hanbin, I didn’t mean that. I did not mean that.”

Hanbin was shaking his head as he backed down the sidewalk away from him. “It’s fine. I know. I know I’m an idiot. It’s fine, hyung. I’ll go home now.”

He turned and picked up his pace, walking faster back toward the dorm.

And now it was Jinhwan’s turn to chase after him. He caught his arm, held tightly when Hanbin struggled against him. “Hanbin, please. I’m so sorry. I did not mean that. You’re not stupid. I’m just… so angry. I said a thing I should never had said, that I did not mean, that is not true. I… Please, Hanbin. Please forgive me for that.”

Hanbin stopping struggling and his body seemed to sag slightly. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

“There is!” Jinhwan stamped his foot on the ground. “Say you forgive me, please.”

“I do.”

Jinhwan turned him, using both hands, grasping at the bigger man until they faced one another. “Hanbin, I… I’m the stupid one. I don’t know what to do with my feelings and it’s driven me to such anger.” He balled his hands into fists around Hanbin’s red t-shirt and stared down at the ground between them. “I… I don’t want to be your friend anymore, Hanbin,” he whispered to the space between them.

“What?” Hanbin leaned slightly. “Hyung, I can barely hear you.”

“I said I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” He still stared at the ground but spoke loud enough for Hanbin to hear every syllable clearly.

Hanbin stared at the top of Jinhwan’s hair. A streetlamp overhead shone down, making the blond highlights shimmer. He raised a hand to thread through his hair. It was soft and slipped through his fingers like silk. He recalled what Jinhwan had said about letting the others play with his hair and doing the same to them. It was true. He knew what each member’s hair felt like: Junhoe’s always stiff with product, Bobby’s curly ringlets, Chanwoo’s soft like a baby’s. He was sure that he’d touched Jinhwan’s before, but he couldn’t recall. The silky locks were unfamiliar to him.

Jinhwan had not been wrong. He did neglect him.

He felt Jinhwan’s head move against his hand and, for a moment, thought the elder was pulling away but he quickly realized that he was nuzzling closer.

Hanbin pulled him in, closing the small gap between them, bringing Jinwan’s head (and the rest of his small body) to rest against his own. He threaded his fingers through his silky locks for several minutes while they stood in silence.

Finally, his fingers still working through Jinhwan’s hair, he spoke softly. “I… don’t know if I have the same feelings, hyung.”

He felt Jinhwan stiffen against him, his entire body rigid. Those were not the words he’d wanted to hear. Hanbin knew they wouldn’t be. He immediately wished he could take them back, but they were the truth. Would Jinhwan really want him to take back the truth?

When he pulled away from him, his hair sliding out of Hanbin’s grasp, he had his answer. Of course, he would want him to take it back if it made him hurt less. Hanbin would take it back, as well, if it would erase the look on Jinhwan’s face, a look of hurt, sorrow, disappointment.

Why, now, could he suddenly read his feelings?

“I’m sorry that I said anything about it,” Jinhwan said quietly. “Can we please keep this just between us? I don’t want the others to know what a fool I am. And please…”

“Hyung, wait, don’t…”

“Don’t try to take it back, Hanbin. I… wouldn’t want you to lie to me.”

He had been wrong…

“You speak the truth and that’s one your greatest qualities. I wouldn’t want a lie from you even if the truth hurts. Just… let me be. Don’t tell anyone and don’t come around me for a while. This will fade, I’m sure, and…”

“Hyung, wait! Can I please say something?!”

“What?” He looked at him with his sad eyes and Hanbin almost lost his nerve. Jinhwan didn’t say it, but it was there between them: “Haven’t you said enough?”

“I…” He took in a deep breath, standing taller, willing himself some courage. “I said I don’t know if I have the same feelings. I… I’m not good with feelings. I’ve never been in a relationship, never cared for anyone in the way that I suspect you care for me. I mean… I’ve never thought about having a boyfriend… or a girlfriend.” He was quick to add the latter, so Jinhwan wouldn’t misunderstand and make this about gender. It wasn’t. Hanbin had no experience at all and was open-minded about the prospect of one day having feelings for anyone – regardless of gender. “I don’t know and I’m sorry for that. I wish I could tell you right now that I feel the same way and this could be like a drama where we hug and kiss in the street.”

“I don’t want a drama. I’m not stupid or naïve. Hanbin, I said, just…”

“Let me finish!” Hanbin snapped. Jinhwan’s eyes shot open in surprise. “Hyung… I’m sorry, but please let me finish. I want to tell you those things because it would be easy and you would be happy, but it’s not the truth. I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know have these feelings or that I couldn’t. I just don’t know. If you… if you are willing to be patient with me, to let me figure things out. I… I am inexperienced, and I don’t know what love is. I… Not that I think that you love me.”

He did. He was sure that nothing could cause the pain in his chest and in his stomach but love.

“Do you…?”

“I do.”

He reached out to touch his face. “I am sorry that I could not see that.”

“It’s a new development.” Jinhwan felt awkward, now, with Hanbin’s hand on him, his feelings out there in such a backward confession.

“How do you know?”

“I… Do you want me to explain what it feels like to fall in love?”

“I’m sorry. Am I asking too much?”

“Yes. Frankly, yes, Hanbin.” He pushed his hand away from his cheek and then crossed his arms over his chest. “You’re asking too much. I don’t know if I can do this. I mean, I don’t know if I can just wait around for you, wondering if you’ll realize that you have feelings for me one day while I’m pining for you. It’s stupid and I won’t do it. If you don’t love me, you don’t, and that’s fine. I’ll make my best effort to stop loving you. Just leave me alone, okay?”

“No, I don’t think it is okay! I want the chance to love you too! You love me. What if I do love you and you won’t even give me a chance? Just because I’m young and naïve and inexperienced doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give me a chance.”

“But… Tell me one thing, do you have feelings for Bobby?”

“No!”

“How do you know? If you don’t know what these feelings are like, if you don’t know love…. You flirt with him all the time.”

“I do not! Bobby is my friend, but I don’t love him like that. I couldn’t even see him that way. He’s not attractive to me in the slightest. I mean, he’s handsome, but not… Not that way.”

“And what about me?”

“Hmm?”

“What about me? Do you find me attractive?”

Hanbin stared at him for a moment in stunned silence. He’d never really given it much thought. He didn’t usually give the looks of his fellow members much thought at all. As he did a quick inventory of the members, he realized that he did find Yunhyeong attractive but he was pretty sure that the entire world found him attractive. He focused then on Jinhwan’s face, noting things he hadn’t ever bothered to look at before: the sweet little moles, his clear skin that looked like it would be as soft as his silken hair if he caressed it, his small, but beautiful chocolate brown eyes, lips that looked supple and soft, kissable…

He jolted at the thought and took an involuntary step backward. “Yes. Yes, I do.”

Jinhwan’s face twisted and it was clear to Hanbin that he had given the answer Jinhwan had been expecting. “You do?”

“Yes, hyung.” His cheeks grew hot and he wondered if Jinhwan could see the blush from the glow of the streetlamp. He regretted not walking further away from its glow.

Jinhwan took a step toward him. “I find you very attractive, Hanbin.”

This left the younger bewildered. What was attractive about him? He was too thin. His nose was too big for his face and his eyes too small. He wasn’t tall enough for it to be an attractive quality, but just tall enough to be gangly and awkward.

He naively asked, “Why?”

“You’re asking too much again.”

“Oh…”

Jinhwan reached a hand up to cup his jaw. “Hanbin, do you really find me attractive that way? You’re not lying because you don’t want to hurt me?”

“No. I’m sorry to have hurt you with the truth, Hyung, but I couldn’t lie to you.”

“Do you… think you could love me one day, Hanbin?”

Hanbin stared at him again, taking inventory of those attractive physical qualities and thinking of some he’d barely noticed before – like his lean muscles and how they stretched and moved when he danced, worked out, or on the rare occasions that they got to swim together. The thought of Jinhwan in just his swimming shorts made his cheeks blush red again and he forced his mind to think of more important things.

Could he fall in love with Jinhwan? He didn’t know what falling in love really felt like but he thought he sort of understood things that could make a person fall in love, or qualities that could lead to a relationship…

Jinhwan was kind, considerate, caring. He was a good cook – something Hanbin had always been sure he’d want in a partner. He couldn’t even boil water and he never paid any mind to meal times. He needed someone that would care for him, watch over him, and make sure he took care. Jinhwan would do that.

But was that enough to form a relationship, enough to be in love with someone?

Perhaps not.

But surely he could love Jinhwan. Who wouldn’t love Jinhwan? He was a wonderful person. He was sure that he could, but he would need time. Would Jinhwan wait? Could he?

Could Hanbin ask him to?

In that moment, Hanbin wished he could believe in the things that his mother and sister believed in. Even so young, Hanbyul believed in soulmates, in love that found you when you weren’t looking, in people that were destined for each other, regardless of whether they realized it or not.

“I’m going to go home now,” Jinhwan said, shaking Hanbin from his thoughts.

Hanbin reached for him, taking hold of his upper arm. “Wait.”

“I waited while you stared at me, Hanbin. It’s okay. You can’t help what you don’t feel.”

“It’s not that I don’t! I don’t know, I told you. I think surely I could love you, surely I would love you. You’re a great person. I could list all of the things I like about you, but it would take all night and it’s dark and I don’t want to stand here in the darkness that long. But… I think I could love you, Jinhwan hyung. I just fear that it wouldn’t be soon enough for you. You already know that you love me. I need time.” He released his arm and moved to stand in front of him. “I’m sorry that I can’t just know like you do. I really am, but I think I could love you if you give me a chance.”

Jinhwan knew that he was being unreasonable. Of course, it would take anyone time to know their feelings. Honestly, if he gave himself a minute to think about it, he thought it odd that he suddenly felt these things, that he just knew. He had never been one to believe in soulmates or destiny, but maybe… “It’s okay,” he finally said. “Should I leave you alone to think on it? Honestly, I’m not that experience in this either, Hanbin. I’ve never been in a relationship before.” He had felt things for other men in the past, not the same things, and he’d never acted on them, but he did know his feelings.

“I don’t think that would help. I… I think we should spend time together. We should, I don’t know. Can we date each other?”

“You want to date me?”

“Don’t people usually date before they fall in love? Or while they’re falling in love?”

“Yes, I guess you’re right.” Jinhwan laughed. “I’m being unreasonable, aren’t I? I’m going at this backwards. I’m confessing to you and we haven’t even really had a meal together or done anything that a couple would do. I’ve never even tried to flirt with you.”

“I don’t even know how to flirt, so…” Hanbin laughed. “I swear to you I’m never flirting with Bobby. Even he said so. And Bobby knows how to flirt.” He blushed again. Bobby was a fan of the ladies, everyone knew. He was the opposite of Hanbin – quite experienced.

“Do you want to eat something with me now? I could cook for you or we could cook something together.” Cooking with his spouse had always been a dream or fantasy of Jinhwan’s. He loved to cook and he would love to share the experience with his partner. Also, he’d probably seen too many dramas where couples had adorable “fights” with frosting or flour.

“Uh… You should cook for me and I’ll watch from a safe distance. I’m liable to poison us if I touch the food.”

“You would not. I’ll teach you. We’ll start with something easy like miso soup.”

“That doesn’t sound easy.”

“It’s so easy that your little sister could make it.”

“She’s intelligent, I don’t doubt her.”

Jinhwan felt a sting of regret and guilt for his earlier words. “You’re not stupid, Hanbin. Honestly, I should not have said that to you earlier. It wasn’t true.”

“No, no, I wasn’t… I was just joking. Please, don’t feel bad about that. I know you were hurt and angry.” Hanbin reached out to caress his cheek, just a quick motion but it made Jinhwan smile and his smile made Hanbin’s stomach flutter.

He jerked his hand back quickly. “What?” Jinhwan’s face twisted in confusion.

“I… I don’t know. I just got a weird feeling.”

“Weird like bad? Are you ill? You should have eaten earlier.”

“I don’t… Maybe I am hungry. My stomach feels a little… strange, queasy.”

Jinhwan took him by the hand and led him back to the dorm.

Bobby was lying in wait for them in the kitchen. “I thought you’d return to the scene of the crime and holding hands, no less.”

Jinhwan dropped Hanbin’s hand immediately. “What crime? You’re an idiot. Get out of my kitchen.”

“It’s our kitchen, not just yours.”

Jinhwan squared his narrow shoulders and glared as he took a step toward him.

“Alright, alright! I’m going!” Bobby side-stepped past them and rushed out of the room. “Don’t forget what I said, Hanbin!” He called as he dashed off down the hallway.

Jinhwan looked up at him. “What did he say?”

“A bunch of stupid things. Ignore him.”

“I usually do.” Jinhwan rolled his eyes. “Come on. Let’s get started.”

Halfway through the process of making the simplest dish Jinhwan could think of, he stopped and swatted Hanbin’s chest. “You’re just trying to mess this up!”

Hanbin laughed. “I swear I’m not! I’m just terrible in the kitchen.”

“No one can be this terrible.”

“You’ve met your match, Hyung.”

Jinhwan met his eyes for a moment. “I hope so.”

Hanbin blushed and threw a piece of awkwardly chopped tofu at him.

“Yah! Don’t throw tofu and a monkey could cut better cubes than this!” He threw the piece back at him.

Hanbin was quick to mock him. “Yah! Don’t throw tofu!”

Jinhwan looked at him threateningly but crumbled into laughter after just a moment. “I’m going to teach you to be great in the kitchen one day,” he said, turning back to the soup that he knew he’d be finishing alone.

“That could take a lifetime.”

Jinhwan looked up from the soup pot, staring into Hanbin’s eyes. “A lifetime, hmm… That a promise?”

Hanbin looked down but he was smiling, so Jinhwan didn’t feel the need to apologize.

Hanbin spent the rest of the time perched on the counter while Jinhwan rattled off the ingredients in the soup, random facts about the ingredients, anecdotes about the times his mother made miso soup when he was ill, how it used to be his favorite food, how he wanted Hanbin to enjoy it.

Hanbin promised that he would. It wasn’t a grand gesture or a big promise. He always loved Jinhwan’s cooking and he was certain he’d had his miso soup before. He didn’t remind him of that, just made his promise and watched as the elder finished up the dish.

Jinhwan called the others to the kitchen to eat. “Let’s eat in my room,” he suggested when he and Hanbin had each taken a bowl of the soup.

They spent the rest of the evening in Jinhwan’s room, eating their soup, talking, watching a drama on Jinhwan’s laptop. He was currently in the middle of Dark Blue and Moonlight but opted for something with no guys kissing. He didn’t want to possibly intimidate Hanbin.

When they started to fall asleep, Jinhwan cleared up their dishes and carried them to the kitchen, Hanbin trailing behind him being cute but ultimately unhelpful. Jinhwan placed the dishes into the sink to be washed in the morning and looked to Hanbin. “What are you doing?”

“Huh? Just standing here.”

“Why? You could have gone to bed.”

He shrugged his shoulders and looked away. “I… don’t know. I wanted to say goodnight to you, I guess.”

Jinhwan laughed. “Goodnight, Hanbin.”

“Not like that. I mean, a proper goodnight.”

“What does that even mean?”

Hanbin stepped toward him and pulled him into his arms, hugging him tightly. His face pressed against his silky hair that smelled of almonds and honey. “Goodnight, hyung,” he whispered.

Jinhwan’s small hands clutched at the bag of his t-shirt. “Goodnight, Hanbinnie.”

“Gross. Are you guys going to start doing this shit all over the house?”

The two jumped apart. Jinhwan glared at Bobby standing in the doorway.

“Seriously. I’m moving out if you start making out.”

“We’re not making out, Bobby!” Hanbin crossed the kitchen to punch Bobby lightly in the stomach. “We were just hugging goodnight. Shut up.”

“Hugging leads to kissing and kissing leads to making out which leads to fucking. So help me if you defile any of the common areas.”

Jinhwan marched over and smacked Bobby hard on the arm. “Knock it off!”

Bobby opened his mouth to say something else stupid and Jinhwan smacked him again.

“I’m serious, Bobby. I mean it. Knock it off.” Jinhwan’s hands balled into fists and he glared up at him.

Bobby put his hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

Hanbin shook his head and let out a long sigh. “I’m going to bed.” He shoved Bobby roughly as he moved past him out of the kitchen.

Jinhwan swore at him as he rushed off to follow Hanbin down the hall. “Bin, wait.” He grabbed his arm at the crook of his elbow and held him back. “Bin, are you upset? Please don’t be upset.”

“I’m fine. Bobby is just an idiot and I’m tired.”

Jinhwan brushed his thumb over Hanbin’s cheek. “Please don’t worry about what he says.”

Hanbin nodded. “Goodnight, hyung.”

Jinhwan just nodded as he watched Hanbin disappear into his room.

The following day Hanbin seemed too busy for Jinhwan to get any alone time with him. They ate separately; Hanbin staying at the studio all day and night. Jinhwan was asleep before he even entered the dorm.

The day after, he came home at dinner time, but skipped it, claiming to be too exhausted to eat. He showered and went to bed.

Day three of the avoidance and Jinhwan began to worry. He cornered Hanbin when he came home at dinner time again but went straight to his room.

“Hyung!” Hanbin yelped when Jinhwan entered the bathroom just as he was stripping for his shower.

“Why are you avoiding me?!”

Hanbin scrambled to cover himself with the only thing near – the tiny towel they used to dry their hands.

“Hyung,” he whined. “I’m getting into the shower.”

“Then, get into the shower, but answer me! Why are you avoiding me?”

Hanbin walked into the shower and closed the door, happy to have his body shielded from Jinhwan, though the latter hadn’t seemed to look anywhere but his face.

“Answer me, Hanbin!”

“I… I’ve been busy.”

“That’s bullshit and I know it. Junhoe said you were just sitting in the studio for an hour today on your phone. You couldn’t have come back to the dorm, texted, called, anything. It’s been three days of this. Is this about Bobby’s stupid ass remark about us having sex and making out?”

Silence invaded the small bathroom. Hanbin cowered in the far corner of the shower, clutching the tiny hand towel like a security blanket.

“Kind of,” he finally admitted.

“Why? Bobby is an idiot, everyone knows that. What he says doesn’t matter.”

“It does, though. He’s our friend and the other members are our friends and our members. They matter and so does their opinion. And what if they don’t like us being together. What if they hate it? What if they judge us? What if other people do?”

“Who cares?”

“I care!”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want people to ridicule us.”

“They don’t matter. And, Hanbin… we’re not even together. We’re not making out in the dorm. We’re not having sex. We’re not doing any of those things for you to worry about the members seeing us.”

“I thought we were dating… Or doing our equivalent of dating.”

“Yeah, but we’re not going on dates. We’re just hanging out here. And… honestly, do you think anyone is going to be mad that we are? Why would it bother them?”

“It bothered Bobby.”

“He was being an idiot. You don’t think it really bothers him that we’re trying to date or whatever, do you?”

“I… don’t know. I guess not. But it’s going to bother someone. Eventually.”

“Everything bothers someone, Hanbin. You can’t let it bother you. Everyone on Earth is going to have something to complain about, something that upsets them in their day. It’s just the way the world works. But I’m not going to let what bothers someone else or even what bothers me run my life. I’m going to do what I want, no matter what. And right now, what I want, is to be with you and to make you happy.”

“Hyung, do you really want to make me happy?”

“Of course.”

“Can you leave then and let me shower?”

“Oh… Sure.”

After his shower, Hanbin found Jinhwan in his room. The latter was laid out on his bed, earbuds in, laptop resting on his stomach.

“Hyung…”

Jinhwan jolted and nearly threw his laptop in the floor.

“I’m sorry!” Hanbin rushed over to help him get his laptop in a safe position.

In his worry, Jinhwan let him take the computer while he untangled his earbuds and sat up. “You scared me.”

“Hyung… What are you watching?”

Jinhwan glanced over. On the screen, the two main characters of his drama were making out pretty heavily in bed. He swore softly and snatched the laptop from Hanbin, snapping it shut. “It’s just a drama.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Don’t judge me!”

“I wasn’t! I was just curious. Was that… That wasn’t the drama we were watching together, right? I don’t remember those characters, but it was hard to see them, so…”

“No, it wasn’t that. I wouldn’t watch that with you. Can we stop talking about this?”

“Yeah, sure. I’m sorry. I really was just curious.”

Jinhwan nodded, embarrassed to have Hanbin catch him watching what looked like gay erotica – which, at times, he supposed it kind of was. “What do you want?”

“Can we have a meeting?”

“A meeting? What do you mean?”

“I mean, a group meeting.”

“Why?”

“I thought we could tell the group that we like each other and we want to date and see what they think.”

“And what if they say they don’t like the idea?”

“Then, maybe we’ll have to think on that.”

Jinhwan’s shoulders sagged. He wanted to think that the members would support them but what if they didn’t? Surely by, “think on that,” Hanbin meant forget the whole thing and do what makes the members happy.

“I’ll get everyone together.” He slid to the edge of his bed and stood. “You mean right now, yeah?”

“Yes, please. Everyone is here now.”

“If this is another meeting because someone ate Bobby’s fucking chicken, I swear,” Junhoe grumbled as he stumbled into the living room of their dorm. He’d been just about asleep when Jinhwan called them all the meeting.

“Shut up, Junhoe. I still think it was you that I ate that chicken.” Bobby leaned over to smack him.

“It wasn’t me!”

“Will you all just shut up?” Hanbin shouted. “I wanted to have this meeting because I have something that I need to discuss with you all, something that will effect the entire group and…”

“Hyung, are you leaving us?” Chanwoo interjected, looking worried.

“No! No! Chanwoo-yah, I would never.”

Chanwoo smiled then and leaned his head over on Donghyuk’s shoulder. Donghyuk patted his hair and kissed the top of his head.

“Hyung… Jinhwan hyung and I have some news.”

Bobby groaned until Jinhwan shot him a death glare. He sat up straighter and clamped his mouth shut.

“We…” Hanbin wrung his hands together nervously, unsure how to word what he needed to say.

Jinhwan stepped forward, rubbing his shoulder gently. “We’ve decided to start… dating.”

“What? But there’s a dating ban!” Yunhyeong shouted. “You can’t date!”

“Where did you even meet girls?” Junhoe added. “Is it members of Blackpink? You know the company doesn’t even want us talking to them. Now you want to date them! You guys can’t do this! We’ll get into trouble!”

Jinhwan rubbed his face, and then ran his fingers back into his hair. “We’re not dating Blackpink and we’re not going to tell the company about anything.”

“They’ll find out,” Yunhyeong insisted. “They know everything. You’ll get caught with these girls and the fans will take photos.”

“There are no girls!” Hanbin shouted.

Four bewildered faces stared back. And Bobby smirked, shaking his head.

“What are you talking about?” Chanwoo asked, genuinely perplexed.

Jinhwan massaged Hanbin’s shoulder to comfort him and then attempted to explain things. “We’re going to ‘date’ each other, guys. We’re not going out for dates where we might get caught. We’re just spending time with one another here. We’re just… trying to see how we feel about each other. And we just want to make sure that you’re all okay with that.”

“Wait, so you’re gay?” Junhoe asked.

“I am, yes,” Jinhwan replied.

Hanbin shrugged his shoulders and stared at the floor. “I don’t know what I am.”

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah, because I want to know if I’m not the only gay one,” Junhoe said.

Chanwoo’s head jerked toward Junhoe. “You’re gay? How is everyone gay and I didn’t know.”

“I’m not gay,” Yunhyeong insisted.

“You got drunk and made out with me last week, Yunhyeong. You’re a little gay,” Junhoe said, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not gay,” Chanwoo said. “But I don’t care if the hyungs are. Why doesn’t it matter? You shouldn’t even care if someone cares. If you love each other, that’s all that matters.” Chanwoo smiled like they were living in a Disney love story now.

Jinhwan offered him a half-smile. “We don’t know if we love each other, Chanwoo, but thank you.”

“Bobby hyung, you don’t mind, do you?” Hanbin asked. “You sounded so disgusted the other day at the thought of us kissing in the kitchen.”

“You kissed in the kitchen?!” Donghyuk spouted. This was all very tantalizing to him.

“No! We just hugged!” Hanbin waved him off. “Bobby, are you mad about it?”

“We fucked in the kitchen, so he’s an asshole if he’s mad.” Junhoe crossed his arms over his chest smugly.

Jinhwan looked ready to swallow himself whole. “You…” He glared at Junhoe and then Bobby. “HAD SEX… in my kitchen!”

“It was ONE TIME!” Bobby darted behind Junhoe, using him as a human shield.

“Twice,” Junhoe said, shoving him away.

“Oh, my…” Jinhwan threw his arms up and started to pace around the living room. “I cook in that kitchen! We eat in that kitchen. There is food in that kitchen. And you assholes never clean up anything. You had sex in my kitchen.”

“I cleaned up, hyung, and you sanitize that damn kitchen every night. It’s fine.”

“IT’S NOT FINE. NO SEX IN THE KITCHEN!”

“I’m done with Bobby, and I don’t think anyone else is sleeping together, so as long as you follow your own rules, you’re good.”

Hanbin turned red and went to sit on the chair in the corner.

“Knock it off with that kind of talk, alright? We’re just getting to know what feelings we have for each other and there’s nothing like that, okay? I don’t want you saying things like that.”

“Alright, hyung, sorry.” Junhoe shrugged his shoulders. “And sorry about the kitchen. We were a little drunk.”

“You may want to sanitize the cabinets.”

Jinhwan kicked Bobby in the back of the knee, making him fall forward. “Ah, hyung!”

“You’re lucky I don’t punch you for being gross in my kitchen and then making us feel uncomfortable the other night.”

“I didn’t mean anything. You’re just too uptight.”

“It wasn’t him, it was me.”

Bobby glanced over to the corner when Hanbin spoke. He frowned, turning serious, for once. He crossed the room and knelt beside Hanbin’s chair. “I’m sorry, Binnie,” he whispered, kissing his head and ruffling his hair.

Jinhwan’s jaw clenched as he watched Bobby dote on him.

“You forgive me?”

Hanbin nodded and pushed him away. “Just don’t mess with me about it anymore.”

“Promise.” He bent to kiss his forehead and then walked away.

“So, everyone is okay with this?” Jinwan glanced around. Everyone nodded.

“Good. Thanks. Sorry I woke you, Junhoe. Actually, I’m not. You owe me anyway.”

Junhoe rolled his eyes. “I apologized. I owe you nothing.” He stood, pulling Bobby along with him. “Come on. You’re not going to bed late and waking me up when you come in.”

They were in the hallway when Jinhwan heard Bobby’s retort. “Jun, if you want to get me in bed, you can just say so.”

Followed by the sound of Bobby crashing into the wall, presumably shoved there by a grumpy Junhoe.

“We should all get to bed,” Jinhwan suggested. “It’s getting late.”

Jinhwan waited until the others cleared out before he walked over to kneel beside Hanbin’s chair. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. Thank you for having the meeting and explaining everything when I couldn’t find the words.”

“It’s okay.” He rubbed his hand gently. “Are you happy that they’re okay with it?”

“Yes. It makes me feel a little better.”

“But not totally?”

“Yes.”

“Are you worried about the company?”

“Yes. And the fans.”

“You know that the fans think you and Bobby are together, right?”

Hanbin’s head jerked toward him, eyes narrowed. “No, they don’t.”

“They do. How do you not know this?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t look at stuff like that, I guess.”

“They call you Double B. That’s your relationship name.”

“I’ve seen that, but I didn’t think that’s what it meant.”

“That’s what it means. They also think I’m dating Junhoe, or they want me to.” He rolled his eyes. “Like that would ever happen. I would kill him if we dated.”

“How do you know all of this?”

“I’ve seen things.”

“What things?”

“Just stuff the fans post.” He was not about to admit that he’d read gay fanfiction about Hanbin. He and Hanbin were not a popular relationship but there was one fan that he’d found that wrote beautiful little stories about the two of them. There were only ten total and she seemed to have given up on them, but he’d reach each of them at least five times in the last week. Admitting that, even to himself, was pathetic. No way would he tell Hanbin.

“You should show me. I want to know what the fans think.”

“No, you don’t. Hanbin, don’t worry about it. Unless you’d like to date Bobby and that’s why you’re wondering what the fans have to say about it.” He stood, filled with a ridiculous jealousy. “Maybe that have a compelling argument? Maybe you and Bobby can be the next ones to have sex in my kitchen if the fans think it’s okay!”

Hanbin shot out of his chair, startling Jinhwan who stumbled backward a little. Hanbin caught his arm and used it as leverage to shove him back against the wall beside them.

Jinhwan’s heart thudded against his rib cage. This was most exciting and mildly terrifying. He’d never seen Hanbin look like this – angry and dominant. It made his stomach flip.

“If we’re going to be together, you have to stop being worried about Bobby. I don’t want him like that. I don’t want to touch him at all, much less have sex with him in your kitchen.” His cheeks blushed then,s and he faltered, but just for a second. “I don’t know that I want to have sex with anyone, anywhere, but right now, I’m trying to be with you, Jinhwan hyung. Not Bobby.” His grip on Jinhwan’s wrist – pinned to the wall – loosened and his hands slid upward to his hand. He laced their fingers together and pulled his hand down. He readjusted, turning his hand in Jinhwan’s for comfort, but held it tightly. “Can you do this?”

Jinhwan nodded dumbly. His mouth would not move to make a single sound.

“Tell me!”

Jinhwan jumped a little. Who the hell was this suddenly dominant Hanbin, he wondered. And then it clicked. This was the Hanbin that knew what he wanted and wasn’t going to give it up. This was the same Hanbin that had gotten through the competitions to debut, to become leader, to become one of the best rappers at YG, in the business. This was the Hanbin that led them to their many wins. Hanbin knew what he wanted, and it was a relationship with him – or at least to try for one – and he wasn’t backing down.

“Yes.”

Hanbin pulled away from entirely and a rush of cool air hit Jinhwan making him shiver. He hadn’t realizing how much body heat had built up between them.

“I’m sorry,” Hanbin said, turning way from him. “I shouldn’t have shoved you and yelled at you.”

“It’s okay. It was nice.”

Hanbin turned his head to look at him, brow arched.

Jinhwan felt hot shame creep up his neck and onto his cheeks. “I mean… It was nice to see that side of you.”

“The side that shoves you?”

Jinhwan huffed. “The side that isn’t giving up what you want. It’s nice to feel wanted by you.”

Hanbin hadn’t even thought about it that deeply. He acted on impulse, not fully aware of why Jinhwan’s jealousy made him angry. He now recognized that side of himself. It was what made him successful, made him what he was. He wouldn’t back down when he wanted something, and he wanted to try for this thing with Jinhwan.

A moment later Jinhwan’s back was pressed to the wall again and Hanbin hovered in front of him, leaning in toward him with his arm braced on the wall above Jinhwan’s head. “If this is what it takes to make you know that I want to try this thing with you, then I guess we’ll be talking against a lot of walls.”

Jinhwan’s entire body felt electrified as Hanbin whispered to him, his warm breath hitting his lips in puffs as he spoke. He was having the most dangerous thoughts about the things he’d like Hanbin to do to him against this wall.

He laid his hand flat against Hanbin’s chest and pushed him back. “I understand you fully.”

Hanbin nodded, not understanding the effect his words and actions were having on Jinhwan. “You’re sure.” He moved in toward him again.

“Hanbin, stop.”

He pulled away completely then, the atmosphere changing immediately. “I’m sorry, hyung. I just want you to know I’m serious.”

“I know you’re serious. And trust that I’m serious when I say don’t do that again.”

“But you said…”

“I know what I said.” How could Hanbin be so dense about this? How could he not see what he was doing? Did he not feel the same feelings? Jinhwan felt a little dirty for getting worked up by this.

“Hyung, are you mad?”

“No. Hanbin, I’m attracted to you, you know? I… You’re not attracted to me, I get that, but I find you very attractive and you’re leaning over me, whispering to me, being so forceful and… dominant.” He gulped. “It’s not…” He waved in front of him like that would make the right words materialize.

“Oh…” Realization finally dawned upon Hanbin. He was so terribly inexperienced. He hadn’t thought how his actions could be taken a different way. He was only trying to make a point, not trying to be… sexy. He laughed.

Jinhwan’s temper flared. He shot Hanbin a furious look, his eyes filled with shame and rage. “Don’t you dare laugh at me!”

“No, no, hyung! I swear I wasn’t! I was laughing at me, myself. I mean, I was laughing at the idea of me being… sexy.” He laughed again and covered his mouth. “Sorry. I just don’t see myself that way and you…” He glanced down at Jinhwan, noticing the little bulge in his pants for the first time. “Oh…” His eyes went wide.

“You’re an asshole, Hanbin.” He turned and started off.

Hanbin acted on instinct again, grabbing his arm and shoving him against the wall. This was going to get really inconvenient if it was the only way he could get Jinhwan to take him seriously. “I’m not judging you. I just don’t see myself the way you see me.”

“And you don’t see me that way either.” Jinhwan struggled against him, but Hanbin had pinned both of his shoulders back.

“I don’t know what I see yet. I’m bad at this. Give me a chance.” Hanbin leaned in toward him, their faces just centimeters from each other. His lips ghosted against Jinhwan’s. He felt his stomach flutter just like it had on the street. He wasn’t familiar with feelings of attraction or arousal. He mostly avoided anything like that, too focused on work and the group to have time for anything like that.

“Just kiss me, Hanbin,” Jinhwan whispered, his lips ghosting over Hanbin’s as he spoke.

Hanbin had only a moment to think, “I don’t know how,” before his instinct kicked in and he pressed his lips to Jinhwan’s. They were as soft as his skin and silken hair, as kissable as he’d thought they’d be.

Jinhwan wiggled out of Hanbin’s grip and brought his hands up to Hanbin’s neck, pulling him closer. He took over, his lips moving perfectly with Hanbin’s. He wasn’t experienced either, but he had kissed someone before which gave him an advantage over Hanbin.

Hanbin didn’t know what to do with his hands when they were shrugged off Jinhwan’s shoulders, but he was sure he wanted them to be touching Jinhwan somewhere. He settled on the sides of his arms, gripping gently while Jinhwan tugged him closer. His head spun as Jinhwan took charge, kissing him with more force, knowing exactly what he was doing, slipping his tongue over Hanbin’s lips just barely, a little tease.

Hanbin’s stomach flipped and rolled and his body felt like it was on fire. Was this what attraction felt like? He was overwhelmed with new thoughts and feelings. He wanted nothing, but this, to be trapped in this overheated space with Jinhwan’s lips and hands, gripping and pressing.

Hanbin’s hand eventually fell to Jinhwan’s side. He balled the smaller man’s t-shirt into his fists. Jinhwan wrapped his arms completely around Hanbin’s neck, hugging him to him, making himself taller to kiss him harder, his tongue pressing into his mouth, drawing Hanbin’s out.

Hanbin, again acting on some instinct he didn’t know he had, gripped Jinhwan’s hips and picked up him. Jinhwan’s legs wrapped around his hips and Hanbin pressed him against the wall. A breathy moan escaped Jinhwan and he leaned his head back against the wall.

Hanbin stared at him for a moment. He looked so different than Hanbin had ever seen him. His face was red and covered in a thin layer of sweat just like it was during dance practice but there was something else – pleasure, lust, love? Whatever it was, he looked beautiful. Hanbin’s eyes trailed to his exposed throat, glistening with a sheen of sweat as well. He wanted to touch it, to kiss it, to run his tongue along the curves and dips.

Jinhwan’s eyes opened and he caught Hanbin staring at him in a way he never had before, a touch of curiosity mixed with hunger. Hanbin wanted him.

Hanbin leaned in and pressed his lips to the side of Jinhwan’s neck. He had no idea what he was doing, but his instincts hadn’t led him astray yet so he let them guide him as he kissed and sucked at Jinhwan’s neck. Jinhwan’s soft moans urged him on, letting him know he was doing something right. When his teeth accidentally caught on Jinhwan’s collarbone, he feared he’d made a mistake, but Jinhwan bucked against him and moaned louder. He did it again, this time purposefully raking his teeth gently across the skin over his prominent collarbone.

Jinhwan whined and riggled in his arms. Hanbin could feel how hard he was. Their bodies were pressed so close. He was shocked at how hard he had gotten as well. This was new territory. It excited and terrified him all at once.

“Hanbin,” Jinhwan gasped. “Stop, stop.”

Hanbin had been sucking at his throat when Jinhwan spoke. He stopped instantly and pulled back to look at him. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No. I just… We can’t keep doing this.”

“In the living room, you mean? I can take you to your room.”

“Hanbin, no. It’s going too far.”

“Too far?”

“I’m getting too, you know? I don’t want to…” He willed Hanbin to just understand and put the pieces together. It was embarrassing to talk about this while he was this aroused.

“You don’t want to have sex with me?”

“Not yet. You… you don’t want to have sex with me right now, do you?”

“I… Probably not.” Not if he thought about it outside the cloud of lust.

Jinhwan smiled and slid down out of his arms. “Someday, though?”

He nodded quickly like an eager child and it made Jinhwan laugh.

“Found your attraction to me, huh?”

“Hyung…” He grinned. “I told you I was attracted to you before.”

“I didn’t think you meant that you wanted to press me against the wall and chew on my collarbone.” He wiggled his eyebrows at him.

Hanbin playfully swatted him. “Yah, hyung. Don’t tease! You liked it!” He started to mock his moaning until Jinhwan smacked him arm. Hanbin laughed and leaned down to kiss him softly on the lips. “I really do like you a lot, hyung.”

Jinhwan held him in place when he tried to pull away. He kissed him again. “I like you a lot too, Hanbin.”

Hanbin was glad that he hadn’t said he loved him. He would have felt bad not saying it back, but he wasn’t sure the feelings he’d developed were love… yet. He was sure he would get there, though. Jinhwan was so deserving of love. He would love him one day.

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