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rjhpandapaws · 3 years

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A Hand in the Matter

Ch5: I May Not Know You Well But...

//Warning(s): implied obsessive-compulsive behavior, graphic-ish description of a depressive espisode, and poor self image.

Gavin wasn't the best with people, he never had been. Social cues were hard and he tended to miss them anyway. So, he couldn't exactly be blamed for the amount of time it took him to realize Richard wasn't his usual self. They'd known each other a few weeks and hung out pretty consistently, be it to study or just kick back at Gavin's apartment. In the past few days, the silence that accompanied Richard seemed heavier. The joke of tall, dark and brooding now seemed less a joke and more of a new normal. Gavin was at a loss.

Richard wasn't exactly the most expressive person. His smiles were little more than a slight curl at the corner of his lips that Gavin quickly learned to look for. It was rare for them to show in his eyes. Gavin had seen that smile once, three weeks ago at the cafe when he had signed his order for the first time. Since then Richard had been more withdrawn. Gavin had believed it to be the usual of Richard playing his cards close to his chest, until today. Today Richard had cancelled their study session, and the ones after.

Gavin: we still meeting at the cafe today?

Gavin: asking because I'm running a little late

Gavin: you're gonna need to grab the table

Tall Phcker from Psych: i think you should find another tutor

Tall Phcker from Psych: its nothing personal Gavin.

Gavin stared at his phone in shock, in the hall outside his apartment, grocery bags on his arm and probably looking like an idiot, but he didn't understand why this was happening. They were friends right? That couldn't have just been in his head.

Gavin: was it something I did?

Richard had said it wasn't personal, and Gavin wanted to believe him, but this had come out of no where. Gavin shook his head to clear it, he had things to do today. He could manage studying on his own, probably. He opened the door to his apartment, calling a greeting to his cat before heading to the kitchen. He set the bags on the counter and began to unpack them and put the contents away. He tucked the plastic bags under the sink.

Gavin checked his phone, but he had no new messages, no explanation for the sudden cut off. He sighed and grabbed his backpack and flopped onto his old beat up couch. He put the backpack beside him on the couch, taking up the spot where he would normally find Richard. Pushing that thought back down where it belonged, Gavin fished out his textbook and flipped to the chapter they were covering that week.

Richard had suggested reading the chapter over first, giving it time to sink in, and then going over it again to take notes. So Gavin settled in to read, playing music quietly through the smart speaker on the end table. He made progress, for a while, but at some point it devolved into him just staring absently at a diagram, none of it registering. He was drawn into his own thoughts, trying to pick apart where he had gone wrong. Trying to figure out what he had done that had caused Richard to pull away from him.

Richard at least seemed to enjoy talking with him, or, at least listening to Gavin talk. He would respond with dry jokes of his own from time to time. Whenever Gavin started something it turned out he couldn't handle Richard usually came to his aid, pulling him from fights, or playing peace keeper, and on occasion simply being damage control. Outwardly at least, Richard hadn't seemed to mind, but Gavin was beginning to worry that maybe he did. Richard was calm and quiet, a constant to Gavin's rowdy and combative, and he had probably decided that Gavin was too exhausting to keep around. He was violently startled out of his thoughts by his phone vibrating loudly against the end table. He had messages from a number that wasn't in his contact list, which was odd.

3132483175: is this Gavin?

3132483175: my name is Connor. Richard is my younger brother.

3132483175: I would like to talk with you

3132483175: if you have the time that is

Gavin read the texts, and then read them again to make sure he had read them correctly. He added Connor to his contact list before replying.

Gavin: hey

Gavin: is Richard alright?

My Name is Connor: I was going to ask you that actually

My Name is Connor: he has been acting very distant the past few days and I can't figure out why

Gavin: you and me both

Gavin: he sent me a couple texts earlier one saying I should find another psych tutor and the other saying that it wasn't anything personal

My Name is Connor: hmm

My Name is Connor: my break is almost over. Mind swinging by Hand Brewed Hope so we can talk?

My Name is Connor: I'm off at 3

Gavin: alright. See you then

Gavin stared at his phone for a long moment. Then scrolled to the top of the short conversation to read through it again to make sure that it had actually happened. Richard hadn't pulled away from just him. He was happy for a moment, but that was soon eaten alive by guilt. Connor was clearly worried. Enough so to reach out to a stranger to see if they knew anything. Reassured that it (probably) wasn't his fault, anxiety gave way to worry.

What was it that was hurting Richard so badly that he would withdraw from Connor? He'd spoken of him in such high regards before, that they had seemed close. Richard had been at least opening his messages, even if it was just to clear the notifications. It wouldn't hurt to send another.

Gavin: text Connor please, he's worried about you

He sent it before he could worry if he had stepped out of line. Even if he had, it was from a good place. If he didn't ever come to talk to Gavin again, he at least wanted Richard to have Connor to lean on. He didn't like the thought of Richard being alone, even the most composed needed someone to lean on when things got difficult.

As it turned out, time flies when you're worried. He didnt get much more studying done and by the time it was creeping up on three o'clock, Gavin was grabbing his jacket and keys for the second time that day. Has he headed down the hall to the lobby he shot Connor a text.

Gavin: headed your way coffee boy

He eyes his motorcycle in the parking lot for a moment, but decided walking to the cafe would give him more time to gather his thoughts. He wasn't sure why Connor wanted to talk. Mutual worry seemed to be part of it, but it also felt like Connor was trying to do damage control.

In a way, Gavin was doing the same thing. Trying to gage what was wrong and see what he could do to fix it. He just couldn't figure out what it was. Maybe with Connor's help they could get it figured out and try and get a handle on it.

It was after three by the time he arrived at the cafe. He scanned the place for Connor and found him at the corner table where he and Richard sat to study. Connor met his eyes and waved him over. There were two cups on the table, when he sat down Connor slid the bigger one over to him.

"Thanks." Gavin said trying to relax some in the chair, "So you wanted to talk to me?"

Connor was still in his work uniform and his expression was friendly, but the worry was still showing through, "Yeah. If thats okay. You're a friend of his and he thought he might have told you what was wrong, but since he didnt I thought we could compare notes on what's been going on."

Gavin took a drink for the sole purpose of stalling the conversation, at least the drink was his usual. "That makes sense. I didn't notice until a few days ago, but looking back on it, it started just after the day I first signed my drink order. He seemed really happy that day, but after that he started pulling away from me."

Connor nodded keeping his eyes on Gavin, but it felt like he was looking through him rather than at him, "He really seems to like you. I've never seen him go out of his way to interact with someone before."

Gavin took a moment to let that sink in. Richard didn't seem the type to have a lot of friends but Gavin had thought he was one of a few.

"Seemed to." Gavin found himself saying, "He decided today that apparently he's better off if we don't talk."

"He didn't say that!" Connor snapped with enough venom that a few other patrons looked over at them, "According to your own messages he said you should find a new tutor, not that he disliked you." Both Connor's voice and expression were sharp as he defended his brother, "Anyway, its like you said. After that day he started to pull away. With me at least it started with him not returning my texts, then yesterday he asked me to stop calling him, and I haven't heard from him since. He's at least reading the messages, but that doesn't make me feel much better."

"Because he doesn't like having the notifications hanging around." Gavin said with a nod. Richard was odd with organization and clutter. Gavin had actively started keeping his apartment clean after Richard's first visit resulted in him having a panic attack, "It's not exactly reassuring."

"No." Connor sighed, "its not." He drank from his own cup and then sat forward, "the only thing that has changed in his life recently is you." Connor held up a hand silencing Gavin's building argument, "I'm not blaming you. It was a positive change, he was coming out of his shell. But I can't help to wonder if it was too much at once."

"Maybe we should go see him." Gavin suggested, "we don't know what's going on and he isn't answering our messages. He doesn't want to come to us, so instead we should go to him."

"But what if he wants to be alone? He's a very private person you know." Connor argued though it sounded weak to Gavin.

"Should he be alone though? By your own words he's almost always been alone. What if this time it's different Connor? What if he needs someone and doesn't know how to ask?" Gavin paused to breathe, "he's used to being relied on, relying on others may be new to him."

Connor just stared at him, like Gavin had said something he hadn't thought of. His brown eyes narrowed before he stood like the devil himself was on his heels. He looked down at Gavin the determination of the rest of his expression only just masking the worry lingering in his eyes, "Well? Are you coming or not."

Gavin took a moment to collect himself before standing. He grabbed his cup and followed Connor out of the cafe. The brunette took his apron off as he walked, a skill Gavin was genuinely impressed by, and folded it under his arm keeping it close. Gavin trailed behind Connor trying not to lose him in the crowd but he was cutting a fast pace. He'd never personally been to Richard's apartment but knew he at least lived close by. He often mentioned walking to the cafe. Connor turned down a side street Gavin almost missed. Connor slowed down some so Gavin assumed they were getting close.

"Have you ever been to Nines's place before?" Connor asked, not turning to face Gavin.

"Nines?" Gavin asked, unsure if it was a nickname or another person all together, "uh no why?"

"Nines is Richard's nickname, the number always seems to bring him good luck." Connor elaborated, smiling at some memory Gavin wasn't privy to, "ah, then he may not like you showing up uninvited."

"Well he should have thought about that before he decided to drop off the fucking grid." Gavin responded a little defensively, "look I'll apologize after all of this is fixed, buy him something fuzzy. The whole bit."

Connor stopped to look over at Gavin, "how do you know about his texture sensitivity? He never tells anyone about that."

"If it makes you feel better, I just found out about it from you." Gavin remarked, "I just figured he liked fuzzy shit because I have a cat at my place and he takes her hostage evertime he comes over."

Guilt settled into Connor's features and he began walking with purpose again, "oh. Please don't tell him I told you."

"Don't worry, I wont."

The silence settled over them again, but it was less suffocating this time, the urgency still remained but they were no longer being smothered by it. Connor lead him into a parking lot, not the main one from the look of it and headed for the building marked A3. Gavin followed, only slightly less sure of himself than before. There had to be a reason Richard hadn't opened his apartment to Gavin, and now that Connor had mentioned it; he wondered if showing up was breaking some unspoken rule. Gavin's worry won out over his guilt. As the saying went, it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Richard lived on the fifth floor at the end of the building opposite the elevator because of course he did. Gavin was winded by the time they reached their stop, and mad because Connor wasn't. The bastard continued down the hall like they hadn't just climbed five fucking floors worth of stairs. They arrived at apartment 509-A and Gavin was relatively certain that Richard could hear his breathing from wherever he happened to be in his apartment. Connor took a key from his pants pocket and much to Gavin's surprise opened the door without knocking. He had figured Connor to be more polite than that, but as it was looks could be deceiving.

"Richard?" Connor called into the silent apartment as he entered, "Its Connor. I brought Gavin with me. We just want to talk alright? We're worried about you."

Connor had taken his shoes off at the door and set them aside, so Gavin copied the action. He knew they wouldn't receive a verbal response, but the lack of movement worried him. He let Connor take point because he knew the apartment better, and Gavin figured seeing his brother might keep Richard from freaking out too much.

The living room and kitchen areas were both empty. The items and furniture in them in such specific places that they looked sterile and unlived in. Not even a dish out of place. No wonder his first visit to Gavin's place had made him panic. Connor continued down the hall, the first two rooms were empty, one was a bathroom and the other a makeshift office. Both as clean and sterile as the rest of the apartment, it was unsettling. There was a third door at the end that was closed, this one Connor knocked on before opening.

The lights were off and the curtains closed though they weren't thick enough to block out the light. There was a lump curled up under the covers that was most likely Richard.

"I'm going to turn the light on." Connor warned gently, giving Richard time to acknowledge it, though he didn't respond, before turning on the light.

The room was a mess, not just in relation to the sterile clean of the rest of the apartment, but an actual mess. Clothes were scattered on the floor and piled on the bed, pulled from the closet and dresser from the looks of it. Not that Gavin had too much time to observe it. After the light came on Richard sat up in bed, blue eyes locked on Gavin, pain and anger fighting for control in them.

'Get Out!' He signed, 'Leave!'

Gavin flinched and took a half step back, but otherwise held his ground, he didn't understand why Richard was angry with him. It was the most emotion he'd ever seen from him. It wrapped his whole body, darkened his eyes and made him look dangerous. Being the cause of such a visceral reaction cut Gavin to his core. It shook his resolve almost to the point of shattering it. This was personal after all, the text to the contrary was Richard trying to keep the peace like he always did. Gavin should have listened.

"Can... can you at least tell me what I did wrong?" Gavin was looking everywhere but in Richard's eyes, settling on his hands as he began to sign.

'You Lie. Not My Friend. Only Want Teacher.'

Hurt flared even more violently in Gavin's chest and he shrank in on himself, "I... you're my friend Richard. I never meant for you to feel like this. I want to fix it."

'LIAR!' Gavin's eyes snapped up to Richard's when he heard a choked off sob. Tears were spilling down Richard's cheeks and it was Gavin's fault, 'Not My Friend. Now Leave.'

"Alright. If you want me to go, I will." Gavin's voice wavered, tears pressing at the back of his eyes threatening to spill over, but Connor cut him off before he could continue his apology.

"No Richard, he stays." Connor had moved to the edge of Richard's bed at some point and was holding a notebook, reading whatever was on the page, "he was the one that said we should come by. He cares about you and is worried for you."

Richard seemed to notice what Connor had in his hand and lunged for it. Connor stepped away from the bed tucking the notebook to his chest.

Richard signed something at Connor that Gavin didn't see enough of to catch or understand. Connor didn't respond right away walking toward Gavin instead.

"I am going to show him Nines, it is about him after all." Connor's tone wasn't condescending, but it still sounded like he was speaking to a child, "you have said your piece. Gavin deserves a chance to say his."

Connor handed the notebook to Gavin and he held it like it was something precious. He turned it over so he could read the page, and immediately wished he hadn't. There. In Richard's near perfect handwriting was 'he doesn't like me' written repeatedly, getting less legible as it went down the page, tear stained in some places. On the bottom most line 'Gavin hates me' was written in blocky capital letters. Gavin shook his head like that would somehow change the words. He looked back at Richard and the dam broke, his tears spilling over and down his face.

"I... I dont hate you. And I'm so, so sorry for whatever I did that made it seem that way." He sniffled disgustingly and wiped at his eyes with his sweatshirt sleeve.

Richard's hands were shaking badly and Gavin couldn't read his signs, he looked at Connor desperate to understand what he was being told. Connor spoke once Richard's hands came to a stop.

"You stayed, no one ever stays. Not for me." Connor paused, sounding as though he was on the verge of tears himself, "I'm not worth the effort. Its too difficult to communicate with me. So no one stays. People don't like me. I am not worth knowing."

Gavin balked at that. Sure Richard wasn't friendly outwardly, but he showed his kindness in other ways.

"I stayed because I like you. You're smart, quick with a joke and nice to have around." He took a breath taking a few tentative steps toward the bed keeping the notebook close, "I'm not the easiest to get along with either, and people aren't quick to hang around. But you did."

'You Taught Me Your Language.' Gavin signed hoping to convey how much that act alone had meant to him.

Richard's hands went flying, signing at a speed Gavin couldn't hope to understand. He was apparently operating under the assumption that Connor would continue to act as their translator.

"You don't know me." Connor paused letting Richard sign more of his thoughts before continuing, "I am not my brothers, I am not kind. People are difficult and they cause me stress. You do not, being around you is nice. I'm not used to it, it scares me."

Gavin set the notebook on the bed and Richard was quick to grab it.

"You're right I dont know you all that well, but I still let you into my home, showed you my cat and let you eat your way through my fridge. I only tolerate that kind of behavior from my friends." He took a breath having found his footing and barreled forward. He would lose his nerve if he stopped now, "you're right. You aren't Connor and that's what I like about you."

Connor let out a sound that was something between a laugh and an offended scoff. Gavin kept talking.

"You're Richard. You leave me on read until I send you pictures of Frankie. You text me at ass o'clock in the morning because you think that if you're awake I need to be too. You come to my rescue when I get in over my head. You push me to be better, and I need that more than you know. So you're absolutely right, I may not know you well, but I wouldn't be adverse to trying."

Richard stared at him owlishly in a way that did remind him of Connor. Gavin was beginning to get uncomfortable, he wasn't good at talking about his feelings and he didn't want Richard to feel pressured by his apparent diarrhea of the mouth.

Richard picked up the notebook turning to a clean page. He shuffled things around on his nightstand until he came away with a pen. He wrote something down quickly and showed it to Gavin.

'Do you mean it?'

"Of course I mean it dipshit." Gavin cracked a watery smile, "I may be many things, but a liar isn't one of them."

More writing, scratching out whatever he had put down, not liking it and then trying again. Gavin ignored the previous two attempts, and read the third.

'Thank you Gavin. It means more than you know. I am sorry I worried you but having friends is difficult and scary. I will try not to do this again but I can't promise anything.'

Gavin shook his head, "then dont promise. Ask for help. Connor is here for you, I havent met your other brother but I'm sure he is too, and so am I. You aren't alone. Not anymore."

Richard still looked unsure of himself. He looked between Gavin and Connor as though he expected one of them to take it back, when neither one did he gave a phantom of a smile. Things weren't better and it might be a long while before they were. Richard was fighting something big and he'd been fighting it for a while. The difference now, was that he wasn't fighting it alone.

#A Hand in the Matter #reed900 #gavin reed #dbh gavin #d:bh gavin #rk900 #nines #dbh nines #nonverbal nines #dbh #d:bh #dbh connor #rk800 #connor rk800

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blackgirl0nline · 4 years

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Okay so when writing "Dating _____ would include" type posts my mind tends towards understanding the character and their psyche. So this started off mostly fluff and got psychological and I'm sorry :'(

Dating Bruce Banner (Hulk) Would Include

super smart big brain boi

Hed be the type to always be teaching you something

"Hey honey come here? Did you know the residuals of melting points are often too great to predict..." and hed just ramble on and get invested and rant about something hes interested in. With such animated features as he explains the thing that hes finally wrapped his mind around

teasing him for being a smartypants would he just *chefs kiss*

"mhmhmhm yes sir professor banner sir I totally know what you mean when you talk about the disassociating particular movement of theoretical transkineiontal matter and the implications of which have temporal ramifications. That's clear as cristial doc"

[[MORE]]

teasingly calling him "Doctor" or "Doctor Banner" and him blushing everytime because you praising his intelligence is genuinely the biggest compliment. Because sure he knows he's smart but you finding him sexy for being smart is the bees knees. Like the fact that you dont see him as some genius freakazoid with no life beyond the lab is something he cherishes. Even if you mean it jokingly

DID SOMEONE SAY PRAISE KINK BC I- dr banner owns that shit

At first hes very shy about it, saying you're flattering him, because hes particularly unsure of himslelf when equations aren't involved.

But he eventually warms up to accepting compliments gratefully and with a bit of a shy smile especially around other people.

But he also gives praise right back

Honestly dont see him being too big on nicknames. Just calls you by your full first name because hes like ew old. Unless everyone calls you by the short version because he isn't like that spicy

And that's the thing hes literally not *that* kinky because hes a tad bit boring. Like not tok many secret desires running around his head

literally steal his glasses he's very blind. Or at least exaggerates it for your amusement.

All the cuddles

So many cuddles

Cuddles for days. Where hes wrapping his big arms around you just to feel like hes keeping you protected and safe like nothing could hurt you

Falling asleep to his gentle breathing

If you have trouble sleeping hed totally read to you till you fall asleep. Usually he'd wanna read some of his science-y books so he doesn't fall behind on research + he knows you find it boring so its kind of a double whammy

Will totally read game of thrones if that's what you prefer or YA or fucking Caillou because anything to help you sleep

He loves giving forhead kisses

Will literally go along with anything like a big baby. And he loves the fun and quirkinessTM you bring like a spark of joy. He just doesn't know what hes getting on any given day.

Yall balance each other out. But when you're helping to calmn him down that's when he loves you the most

When you're his peace his respite from the world that's amazing

Hanging out with you after a stress filled day and you just kiss the top if his head and talk to him softly and hold him. That's why he loves you

You can be high energy but also there for him when he needs to not hulk out and its genuinely so lovely.

Oml hes so shy tho.

Like being around people can just stress him out. It has to be his freinds.

That's why hes so thankful for you because you dont force anything on him the moment he doesn't seem comfortable yall take a moment to slow down

But dont treat him like glass either. He won't break. He hates when people just walk on eggshells around him. It makes him feel uncomfortable like hes inconvencing everyone.

The thing is hes kind of a complicated guy

Like yeah hes shy and all. Because hes insecure because of the other guy + having to keep track of social cues and not trying to sound like an old boring professor and not trying to sound condescending and trying to understand pop cultural references and it's too much at once and gets him frustrated so hed rather stay out of it

But he genuinely is too much in his head. The more mentally isolated he becomes the more he just rominates in his thoughts the more his temper gets short.

Like make no doubt he has anger issues

Genuinely he gets so frustrated with himself and sometimes itll come off as rude or curt

But hes mostly projecting it at himself or his work

That's why he spend hours in the lab. Hes so stubborn and harsh against himself that he won't let himself off the hook.

But is dangerous the more and more he gets in the habit of just being in his own head and critisising himself the more and more he gets distant with everyone else and sometimes rubs ppl the wrong way or comes off as a guy with a major attitude

"Hey Bruce do you-"

"I'm busy." Without turning around or contextualizing it

You physically have to get in his face.

But you run the risk of an outburst. Hes snapped at coworkers before. Never at you. Most of the time he recognizes "oh this is someone I love and dont want to fuck up a relationship with" and slowly decompresses

Once he comes to his senses is out of his head and calms tf down and stops being mad at himself hes just your big ol teddy

"Hey sorry I didnt mean to be so mean... what's going on?" Small smile on his lips eyes shining because he cherishes you

You roll your eyes because of his mood swings but will soften because you know hes just like that

Yall might get into arguments

I cannot lie. He cant be a perfect boy all the time. But think of it this way, hes stubborn and intelligent and self critical and bipolar and his internal mechanism to deal with stress is to turn it into frustration then anger then get big and green and wreck shit. So when hes frustrated with you (usually about you not agreeing with how much he works) he might not want to aquess to you. He might wanna stand his ground and demand you hear his side. Because in that moment hes justified and he knows that he's correct.

And you have to just eventually get that arguing with him won't work hes too stubborn sometimes. If hes arguing its only because its something he thinks it's worth arguing over. Just learn to de-escalate and you'll get him to be reasonable on anything

He can be hella condescending. A guy with 7phds doesn't do so withought thinking hes pretty smart. But you treating him like hes stupid ticks him off. Dont treat him like an idiot.

Or a kid. Just because hes awkward you dont have to use that against him. Teasing him for being a bit antisocial or teasing his bad social skills can be a reason for a real fight to break out.

And it really is a clear escalation you can see how he rises in anger. So most of the time it's easy to spot it, orient yourself and stop it

His social akwardnes is helped by the avengers, people like Tony help him socialise and get outside the lab and talk to people. Tony helps him communicate through difficult problems that usually leave Bruce frustrated with himslef

You and Tony are two pronged. He calls you in when he thinks Bruce needs a break and you entrust Tony with making sure Bruce isn't burning out.

Them being science bros goes deeper then you know. They help each other out. Bruce forces him to collaborate more by covering the things Tony isn't an expert in. And he's a voice of reason in some cases.

Bruce can be very level headed when hes not stuck in his own. He'll tell Tony what's going too far. The only issue is that Tony won't always listen. You and Pepper are about the only two people who can force Tony to listen to Bruce's prudent scienc-y advice

They both respect each other immensely for their intellect. But both can be bull headed. Tony doesn't like working with other because that means he has to admit he isn't really the smartest guy in the room. And Bruce doesn't hate working with others but when he doesn't feel heard or feels used or dejected he can get frustrated and snappy

The fact that you're still around despite all his bad qualities makes you that much more loveable to him.

#Bruce Banner #bruce banner x reader #hulk #hulk x reader #avengers preferances #imagine

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kendrixtermina · 6 years

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Every time I think I have a handle on this infefior Fe thing or even start to consider wether I might actually be a feeler or something, a THING happens

"Sometimes I feel like you wouldn't care if I died in a ditch somewhere?" Seriously? Does he have eyes and ears in his head? This just comes out of fucking nowhere like WTF

I mean I know that relationships are supposed to be work and that there are no perfect people, but I thought Id finally found a person who actually likes me being me and gets deep stuff and now he's giving me all this vague shallow bullshit about doing my hair nice (but NOT in ways he doesnt like. Im already disentangling long hair I would otherwise never bother with every morning because of him) i lost like 15 kilos just like he wanted.

Would always listen to his - and I dont even want to be citing this like its some chore I do, i listen to him because hes an interesting person- I just thought he thought the same of me but now im wondering if he realizes im a person at all. All this whole tirade because I did not feel like fucking after an ardous journey. Like I like it aa much as he does I go along almost every time but im a *person* who is tired or busy sometimes

Yet here hes going on about how there ought to be some ill-defined "excitement" when talking to the opposite gender that he somehow says isnt there like I dont even know, or have a sense for what hes talking about

- and that compliment sandwich about "oh sure in some ways yore smarter than me" even though hes the one whose career is taking off and shit and ge tscked on "get a job"

"It shouldnt be an effort, it should just cone from you automatically" and accusing me of montrous coldheartedness just bc im busy sometimes you know just like he is

I thought he thought I was "nice" and that he admired me, I thought he liked that I didnt pry in his business and didnt mind if he spent a long time working and then sone shit about " its not like I want to go back to those vchicks who would nag me" like its a choice between cancer and aids.

Like hiw can someone who seems like such a deep person care about such shallow crap of all sudden.

Cant I just have a hunan connection without any of that shallow performative gender roles bullshit tacked on???

I really dont want to go all aggro tumblr chick on this but its making me understand the temptation

Like this has zero to do with whats going on inwardly like I know I'm not the worlds most sociable person and i might as well be blind and deaf as far as this whole social cues bullshit goes but why do people always have to conflate that with a person's feelings or lack thereof?

And that shit about how "ozs weird to stand next to you when you suddenly talk about murder".. with my own sister, who gets my humor?!

One part of me wants to freak out and do penance in a hermitage, another wants to storm out in an insulted huff but what I'm actually gonna do is probably none of those things.

I meam we kind of talked it over and communicated things im partially just venting this shit here do its out of my system and done with I realize I cant ask to br told the whole truth and then turn around a throw a tantrum

I just dont want to live with someone who thinks im sn antisocial freak, you know, just like them shoolyard bullies. Who might be the reason why I may ir may not be unreasonably touchy about this

I understand that O cant alwaxd have my will and comprpmises are part of relationships but I dont want to perform any sort extensive exhaustivr fakery in my own home, you can either have an attractive mask or a real human connection like otherwuse itd not worth it

Maybe my expectations were unrealistic like of course humans arr products of their societies theres not really any point in getting hing up on "he said this" or "she said that"

Im just such an idiotic sucker for anyone telling me im special or that theire "chosing" me ever since bloody gradeschool, I tell myself to be realistic anf not to expect the huge abd romantic but I still want to believe that its *somewhere* out there.

Im not going to make any decisions right now or do anything rash but Im also experiencing a certain degree of "UH I haze everything why is nothing ever good why doesnt life ever make sense"

I mean if hes not happy with this and we cant even get that bare minimun of communication across what is even remotely the POINT

Thats ehy I was reluctant to move in together because now it would be a huge hassle to exist snd im just going to calm down and do nothing and well just stay there being mildly but not critically miserable out of sheer inertia or at least that was the silly nightmare thst I kept telling myself was just anxious bullshit jitters that made no sense

It really makes me want to never talk to humans ever again and at the same time I just feel stupid because I realize how childish and overdramatic that seems

Its not possible not helpful so I wont actually do it but like all of this just drains my already limited energy that I could be using for useful thongs or at least to enjoy my holiday

Like I would like to claim that Im a poetic soul behind my shitty social skills but what do I even base that on? And it frightens me when people aufdenlx bring out those vsgue formless things I have no control over and treat it as if it were indicative of ME.

Thats why I always preferred to express myself in writing over the intertubes. Its not like people never misunderstanf or dislike me for that but at least its for flaws or positions that are part of my actual personality

I think im beyond all this and older and wiser and more differentiated and understand everything better but in the end im still sick of being seen as a freak and having to play all these pointless social games

#feelings #mbti

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kellbug21-blog · 7 years

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my entire life story

Hi, I wanna tell u all about me and my life story. i was born and everything was fine for a few mins. Shortly after I was born I had a stroke. I had to be taken to the Miami children hospital and was put into a coma because i was having so many seizure When I woke up I was taken cared of by the doctors. After 3 weeks of lots of testing they discovered i had a stroke and had epilepsy. I was able to go home afterwards with lots of seizure medison after my 2 disabilities were found. When I turned 5 years old I started to struggle on my ﬁrst year of school. The stroke aﬀected all my learning abilities. It aﬀected my math, reading, reading comprehension, , learning memory, writing and spelling. I was slow learner then everyone else in school. I get extended time on tests and help with homework due to my learning disability. For my math disability it makes me struggle with adding,subtraction,multiplication dividing and remembering numbers. For my reading disability i struggle with reading, decoding, remembering, getting lost when reading, read words wrong, re read what I'm reading, skipping words ,pronouncing and sounding out words. Four my writing i struggle with spelling,takes me a very long time to write, forget ending of the words, spell the words a diﬀerent way and make punctuation errors. It doesn't mean i cant write. It's just harder then most people. My tests and work are sometimes modiﬁed because its to hard for me. People sometimes think i cant talk but i can. It's just i don't know what to say. The doctors who studied my mind said that My stroke makes me rock my body and bounce my head and body subconsciously, I do it without knowing I'm doing it. I'm often told by people I shouldn't do that and get told to stop rocking my body or bouncing my head and body because its considered weird and can make people uncomfortable because they often don't understand , dont do it themselves, dont have anybody in there family that does it, cant relate and its considered not normal , weird and different.

but the question we should all be asking is what is normal though? there is no such thing as normal. ill get stares by people for doing these behaviors. when ever somebody pointed it out i felt judged and scared and felt like they thought i was weird. Did u know people made rocking chairs? if u see someone who rocks there body or bounces there head and body and u notice they arent aware there doing it please dont bring it up. if i rock my body or bounce my head and body dont make me feel embarrassed. im doing subconsciously. Not every person that rocks there body or bounces there head or body is a weird person. dont always assume when somewon rocks there body or bounces there body or head are weird. i will rock my body subconsciously when im listening to music, when im thinking about something, happy,sad,scared, or angry. i might do it randomly subconsciously without any of these reasons above. there are 3 reasons why a person rocks there body or bounces there body and or bounces there head. number 1: its because they were just born that way. number 2: they could be brain damage and u wouldnt even know it. if you ever meet or met somewon whos had a stroke or some type of brain injury theres a 50 chance there gonna rock there body and/or bounce there head and body. number 3: its a obsessive compulsive behavior for that person. When I was 5 years old I started to do behaviors and show symptoms of another disability. My parents didn't really think much of it. They always thought it was just my stroke. Then one day my mom was reading about autism and Started to realize I was showing the same symptoms and behaviors. My mom went to the doctors and said to them what symptoms and behaviors I was showing and the doctors started to agree with her. So the neurologist doctors were studying my mind and were looking at my damage to my mind. theirs no test for autism but there are people who went to schools to study the mind and watch it by looking at it, recording it , observing it, watching what a persons doing and reading books about the mind. And it turned out I had another disability. Which was called Autism. At the time I didn't even know I would have autism because my parents never mentioned it to me and kept it hidden from me. They never felt the need to label me because it was very mild and didn't change who I was.

My 6th grade year came when i was 12 years old and it was bad. That was the year I found out I had autism. When I was in my math class I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then my teacher asked me why I was obsessed over blood poisoning. Then I said i don't know why i just am. After i said that the teacher randomly says you have Autism. I said wait i have autism? And she said yep you do have autism. I thought to myself no i cant be. I thought i was misdiagnosed. And i told her prove it I don't believe u. Then she pulled out a paper and it said i was a student diagnosed with high functioning autism. When i saw that paper i was surprised and after a few mins i started to cry. i thought why me? and thought to myself i already had a stroke and learning issues. why do i have autism as well? I knew i would have to deal with this the rest of my life i thought to myself will i never have friends or get married because of my autism disability? Mom walked in the room a few mins after i found out and she saw me crying and started to wonder why i was crying and asked me whats wrong. my teacher realized telling me was a huge mistake. my teacher told my mom we need to talk and pulled my mom aside for a moment. That's when my teacher told her. she said she was so sorry to my mom and said she accidentally told me i have autism. after that she told me come on will talk about it more in the car. and i told her is what she saying true? is that paper true? she told me come on again and i started to question in my head why isnt she telling me. i was still crying at the time while leaving the school and walking to the car. After that we went into the car to get ready to go to the doctors appointment and before we drove there she told me i have a very mild form of autism. Then i asked my mom what caused it and she said nothing caused it and i was just born that way and she told me autism isn't something that can happen to u. Brain injuries can cause autism like symptoms and or autism like behaviors but not autism. Autism is the same as having Down syndrome. I was born with autism and at the same time had a stroke a few mins after my birth. My autism makes me have sensory sensitivity issues with sound and can cause sounds to hurt me and sometimes becomes overload. my autism makes me have deﬁcits in my social skills meaning there always impaired. My social deﬁcits impairments are making friendships, maintaining friendships, getting into a romantic relationship, continuing a romantic relationship, starting,continuing ,ending conversations, Reading facial expressions, body language, social cues, reading tone of voice , joining in group interactions and reading what people are thinking. My autistic behaviors are rewinding,obsessions, literal thinking, sameness with food, ﬂat aﬀect, monotone voice, asking the same question over and over, repeating myself and no ﬁlter. i might say something completly random and people would be surprised, think its idiotic or find it funny. you cant go around and force friendships they just have to happen. thats like forcing somewon to love u when they dont love u back. i dont want people to be my friend just because they feel bad for me. I want to be like everyone else. i want people to understand me. its time to talk about how i feel. when ever im alone or out in public i sometimes think to myself will i ever find love someday and have friends? they say u cant find love you just need to let it come to you. when im out in public i always see people with there friends talking and having a good time. when i was in school i always saw people hugging and kissing there loved ones in the hallways and still see people do out in public places. i would see people in the hallways, at lunch and walking down stairs talking to there friends. i thought to myself why is it so easy for people to make conversations, relationships and friendships that fast? i also thought to myself why am i not experiencing this as well? lets talk about my school experiences. when i was at my old school i always had people who hated me and thought i was an idiot and i didnt know why. i now know why they hated me. it was because of my autism, learning disability and the way i behaved. because i say random things, am quiet, dont talk the way most people do,behave differently and have learning disabilities people think im not smart and think im an idiot because of the way i interact, behave and take longer to learn things.

i wanna explain emotions for a minute.

i always struggle with talking about my feelings because im worried how people will react. at a young age ur taught and told not to show and express ur emotions. in public and when ur around people or someone u think u need to be happy all the time because showing emotion isnt acceptable. the only acceptable emotion ur allowed to show is to be happy. when ever u show ur sad ,scared or angry about something people will tell u to stop acting like a kid and say ur being rediculous. im here to tell u its ok to show and express your emotions. were not robots. showing emotions is natural. its what makes us HUMAN. what is monotone voice? its when u speak without emotion. flat affect is when u show no emotions. what is a obsession? its when you think about something all the time or alot and talk about it alot. it also means u might need to compulsively do something in order to get rid of the thought. literal thinking is when u believe anything and anybody tells you. it means you have struggle understanding metaphors, know when someones joking and figure of speech. i might speak literal at times. i may not always respond in the normal way. lets talk about rewinding for a moment. when i say rewinding i might go back to a certain part of a video or song and you might question it. when i say no filter i mean i might say things that are racist, things you shouldnt say , inappropriate things and being honest, without realizing and aware what im saying is that and i might not understand why its not ok to say those things. being honest isnt always a bad thing but it can hurt someones feelings and come across as being rude. because my autism makes me not think clearly i really need to think about it.

because i might say racist or inappropriate things people will get the wrong idea and it might make them feel bad about themselves and come across as im a bad person. if i ever say something racist i usually would feel bad. only a racist person wouldn't feel bad.

when i mean i struggle with reading tone of voice i mean i cant always tell when somewons being sarcastic, serious, speaking in a way that there bored, angry,happy,sad and all the other types of tone of voice. i cant always tell when someone looks happy,sad, angry,scared,surprised bored,annoyed and any other facial expressions. i wanna talk about repeating for a moment. when i say i repeat myself i might say the same thing again or over and over again without even knowing and aware im doing it.

I never went around and told anyone about my autism and was told mine isn't the type where u can tell by looking at me. The rewinding was the only thing that became noticeable and people would question it but never knew i had it until they were told. if u were to look at me you wouldn't have guessed or noticed.

When i mean i struggle with making conversations i mean i struggle with small talk and talking to people. There's the hi how are u? Then u say good or ﬁne and sometimes ask back how are u? Then that person says good. But it never goes anywhere. I learn social skills. Does that mean i have great social skills? Nope. They will Always be impaired. in order to get an autism diagnosis it NEEDS to be disabling in some way and needs to always impair and limit the person. what high functioning really means is how well a person can pass and look normal. I was an autistic child and teenager and ill become an autistic adult and eventually an autistic old man. People think autism goes away when you get older which is not true. Alot of the time people don't try to get to know me. i usually get ignored alot. i sometimes dont try to get to know people because there judgemental and im afraid they just see me as some dumb and weird person. I get uncomfortable when around you and other people because of my autism. I may be socially awkward or appear annoying because of my deﬁcits impairments. People don't often stop to think why that persons uncomfortable or socially awkward. i sometimes dont respond to people because i dont know what to say , how to respond ,may not understand what there saying and need time to think. because i might not respond people might get confused,might think i did not hear them or think im ignoring them when im not. i didnt like being in special ed sometimes because there were people who came to help students with special needs when some people see a person in special ed they sometimes automatically think that there dumb and to stupid. not every person who helps a special needs person are like that and think that way but alot people are like that sadly. i worry what people think of me.

most people dont ever give me a chance.

whenever i was in a normal class i liked it because they wouldnt think of anything at all. i felt normal when ever i went in the regular classes. When i was in 10th grade i wrote a speech about my autism. i never thought people would like it. after i read it the whole class clapped. when they clapped i felt really happy and felt proud. I want friends but don't know always how to make them. people think i dont want friends and thats not true. there are 2 others reasons i struggle with making friends and there a small part on why its hard for me to make friends. first reason people judge me because my hand is bent and my fingers look weird and different a bit. second reason i have trouble making friends is because i have learning issues. when a person sees u arent smart they think your an idiot. people nowadays only want to be friends, date and marry people who are considered not dumb and different. i know im not dumb im actually very smart. i have a very good vocabulary then most people and thats a stereotype where people think autistic people are smart and speak smart then most people.

Let's talk about cerebral palsy. Cerebral palsy is when you have trouble walking, eating,swallowing , have mussles issues and have speech issues. I mumble and talk to quietly without realizing it and might stutter. I trip and fall easily. lets talk about my childhood. I grew up not having the childhood most people had where you talked to people, hanged out with friends, eating lunch with friends, going to sleep overs and parties with friends. I wish i got to have those experience but sadly i wont be able to because I'm older now. As you grow up ur expected a lot more and people expect you to behave a certain way , talk a certain way and do certain things. people dont like it when you dont act like them, talk a certain way and behave like them. if you dont behave and talk the way people think u should act and say you will most likely not be accepted and they wouldnt ever want to be your friend, date you, marry you and get to know you because to them ur considered weird,dumb and not the social and society norm. in there eyes different is considered bad and shameful. it makes people who want u to behave a certain way and talk a certain way angry because ur not meeting there expectations and want u to not be yourself. if you arent extroverted and if you dont talk people will make comments about it and tell you why dont u talk? well to answer your question i cant always talk because there are social rules you always have to follow and if u dont follow them people will get mad at u. i cant always talk because i dont always have a filter. if i were to talk about something that wasn't inappropriate and it was a normal conversation they probably wouldnt like it because to them its not the right way to talk. im sometimes quiet because i have nothing to say. you know the phrase people tell u to to just be yourself? yeah that phrase is a lie. What if you couldn't always do those things because of ur issues? or what if u liked yourself for who you were and what you are? Why do people have to act a certain way and talk a certain way just to be accepted? It sometimes makes me sad because i cant be myself. Nobody can honestly be themselves due to society. but sadly you have to behave and talk certain way. people try to stop and change people who are different. I enjoy some of my autism actually and wouldn't want to be cured. i like that i can rewind something and never get tired of watching it. We need to learn to stop caring what people think of us and learn to stop judging each other, weather people are good or bad. Nobodies perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. We need to just learn and grow. I hope that when i get friends and a girlfriend ill be accepted and if i ever do get married i hope I'm accepted by my wife to. people with learning disabilities get made fun of because they have a hard time with reading, writing ,math and spelling. people try to act cool and popular in elementary school, middle school and high school.

but what they often dont realize is when they graduate high school they will no longer be considered cool and popular and will be like everyone else. I don't feel bad for myself.

There are some good things about myself. I'm non judgemental,accepting, nice ,smart and funny. I try my best to be a good person but i sometimes don't know how.

Sometimes i try my best to hide my right hand by Putting on my brace that makes it straight and people would just think i broke my arm.

I'll hide My right hand by using a long sleeve shirt and covering my right hand with the long sleeve just to make people not notice and look normal as possible. if somewon doesn't like that your a introvert then you dont need them in ur life. if u are extrovert accept it but dont change someone else personality. if u are a introvert accept your personality. if u are both extrovert and introvert personality accept it.

if someone doesn't like that you are being yourself , doesn't like your personality or is not liking that you arent talking and behaving the way u should then forget them.

accept your personality. accept yourself for who you are and be yourself whether people like it or not. if u meet some won that is disabled or not try to get to know them.

If u see some won who's had a stroke help them and be there friend if u want to. If there's a person who's autistic you should accept them.

if you love somebody who is disabled, different or both you should accept them. if you have a friend that are any of these you should accept them. if u have a friend or love somebody that doesn't have any issues and there just normal you should still accept them. I am so much more then my disability labels. Remember to be accepting of people who are diﬀerent, black, white, Indian, Chinese gay,straight,bisexual,transgender,, asexual, lesbian, have anxiety disorder issues, have eating disorder, disabled Or not disabled and are just as normal as you.

I don't enjoy having these disabilities. But will always have to deal with them.

I hope my life gets better.

#blogger #writing #important #announcement #breaking news #story #entertainment #rant

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