#i shouldn't be alive

[thetetra]

Alright so I was reminded of a story which I call "Librarians bite"

I tried college on for size 4 or 5 times before it really stuck and I went all the way towards a major (I accidentally got a double major, on accident, but that's another story).

My last go at it I was pretty good at it and I was very enthusiastic about the library and how it was a no judgement zone. You can show up a complete moron and the help desk will help you IF you go in early enough. I always told people "Its okay Librarians don't bite!"

So due to my many attempts at college my required courses were all screwed up. So my last term I had to take "how to write a research paper" after I had that shit on lockdown. So I decided to have fun with it and research "A medieval technology that hasn't changed even to this day". Which was harder than I thought.

Horse tack! how to harness a horse has to be something they mastered in... oh in the 1800s they figured out a better way. Okay well how about .... oh umm no. Finally I gave up and decided to write about soap because it went ALL THE WAY!!! till the 50s and 60s then got replaced by detergent. Sure there's technology that hasn't been replaced at all but none that was distinctly medieval and not upgraded since then. So fuck it soap it is.

I get to the library and I find plenty of books on the first instances of soap (Romans wrote down that the Gauls had this red hair product that looked like blood... due to all the blood in it) the original uses (man this shit really softens up fibers for weaving!) and then I started looking for books that talked about the switch to detergents. Nope, 1960 is too recent. BUT there are industry magazines that talk about detergents between 1950 and 1960.

So off to the microfiche collection!

I looked the appropriate section up, pulled the editions I wanted and... its perfume. Lovely article about how pheromones are too delicate and break down so we can't actually put human pheromones in perfumes (uhh wat?). So I go and look it up again. Same section same problem. I googled the Dewey decimal system and made sure I had it right... according to my best reckoning I did.

Okay off to the help desk. I show up with the microfiche in hand and immediately have to explain "no no I can operate the machine that's not the problem" and start explaining my issue. The help desk clerk does all the double checking I just did and eventually decides "yeah you didn't fuck this up" (paraphrased).

So I get to talk to the help desk librarian and... it just so happened that she was the keeper of the microfilm and microfiche collections. We confirmed that I had 2 weeks till my paper was due, that I had looked for other sources and found them and then we finally went al looked at the microfiche.. we again confirm that I have the right Dewey decimal system spot. And then the change happened. She was skeptical, ahe was stern, but she was helpful and respectful.

Then she (a 5'2" 100lbs woman) grabbed my (6' 300 lbs man) arm and dragged me along like I was a kite in a storm. a tiny scared kite in a big scary storm.

I am a large guy. I have always been larger than my peers. I have learned that I have to take steps to not appear scary. I am respectful of boundaries and rules, I don't raise my voice or show any extreme of emotion. So when I got dragged into the back room STAFF ONLY rooms of the library I was uncomfortable. I was then dragged into offices, disrupted phone calls and breaking up meetings. these calm Clark Kenteon librarians became an ironic barbarian horde who were going to ransack the world till their archives were restored to good order. Minime Logos Minime Pax ( pardon my poor Latin).

Once they were assembled, me still held firmly by the wrist, my librarian told the tribe of my tale of academic woe. Looks of anger and shock made homes on everyone's faces. I can still remember my librarian being so angry that she bit the air with every word. like she was devouring the fabric of existence itself in an attempt to sate her hunger.

Then a very precise and orderly pecking order of people spoke up. First a librarian who was in charge of usage statistics spoke on how the information I was requesting had not been looked at in more than 20 years. Next a librarian who was in charge of what was on the floor and what was in storage spoke up and expressed how the perfume trade magazines were supposed to be in storage and the chemical industry available because we had an active chemistry department.

Thusly in short order the storage location was put on the conference call phone and queried about what was in the box that was supposed to hold the perfume trade magazine microfiche. 5 minutes of rummaging on the phone and we had confirmation, my chemical trade magazines talking about detergent were directly swapped.

a courier was immediately dispatched to bring me my requested study materials and I was finally unhanded, guided to a study room and sat down while they brought me print outs of everything I asked for... printing fee waived.

So now I tell people that you should go to the library and to have plenty of time before your paper to find and checkout needed study materials... but I no longer say that librarians don't bite.

#research #academia #library #librarians #book #books #microfiche #I believe that librarians are cryptids now #cryptid #psychological horror #I shouldn't be alive #true stories #humorous anecdote

[anemcia]

"..."

"Fine. I'll leave ya be and head back. It ain't much a home without you anyway."

#I shouldn't be alive #《🌊》𝑶𝒄𝒆𝒂𝒏 𝑾𝒉𝒊𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔 [dash commentary] #//WELL THATS PROBABLY WHAT SHE WOULD SAY AFTER A WHILE TBH #//Shes like constantly on that show #//i think she kinda knows why :V

[eyeimagerysexy]

the girl i hated in first year bcs she was annoying says i'm the only one she feels she could talk to forever

i'm gonna throw myself into the ocean

#why am i so horrible #i shouldn't be alive

[heartshattering]

maybe i need to go away again

#i hit a really low point #my thoughts are really really bad and i feel like i'm going to lose control even if i won't but i still feel that way #i can't talk to anyone #online or offline #i don't know where to go or what to do or how to handle anything anymore! #if i haven't responded i'm either trying to sleep or i just feel too drained to talk right now #i'm sorry #maybe coming back to tumblr was a mistake #fuck #i hate this #i had to delete some of my other tag rambles because they were. concerning. #and i don't want to make it seem like i'm threatening to do anything since i'm not #but i just really don't want to be awake right now #i'm only staying alive because my puppy can't stand anyone else but me #i have to keep taking care of him since my parents won't #but other than that... no. #i keep lying to myself when i say things will get better #they always go back to shit #i'll die eventually so there's no point in speeding up the process but it still fucking hurts you know #i shouldn't be alive #i am fucking useless #if only i weren't a shut-in so a fucking bus would hit me already #again not gonna do anything permanently harmful but fuck it all just hurts so much rn #i hate myself

[i-am-definitely-not-okay]

I'm so fucking jealous of my sister.

She is getting way more live and patience than I ever did growing up, and she acts like a brat.

Yes, she is hurting, but I did and do too ! And thankfully, she didn't go through at least one of the kind of violence I went through !

We both were bullied and had health issues. We both have a shitty (albeit different) dad. We both had no friends.

And we both wanted to quit school because it was unbearable.

And while she has our mom support and affection, at her age, I was sent to a psychiatric hospital because I tried to kill myself. When I was puking my guts out because of anxiety, I wasn't believed and got sent to the very same place that made me feel like this and got told to suck it up.

When she denounced her father's violent behavior, she didn't try to force her to go for long. When I did, she went as far as dragging me by my hair to send me to the guy who psychologically, physically, and sexually abused me. It only stopped because he didn't want to see a mentally ill kid. Not because she helped.

If I threw a tantrum, I was locked in a garage, screamed at, beaten with different types of objects, sometimes being left with bruises, choked against a wall or all of the above.

If she throws a tantrum, nothing really happens until she threatens her parents.

Honestly, typing this, I think I've realized something that my mother denies:

My sister was a planned pregnancy, my mom had to go through multiple miscarriages to have her.

I wasn't. I was a fail of 2 methods of contraception. And while my mother says that she realized she wanted me and that if she didn't, she would have just aborted me, the way she acts and talks to and about me makes me question if the real reason she didn't get an abortion was because of the stigma around it at the time.

I have multiple theories as to why she acts so differently with me :

As I said, she didn't really want me and just tolerated/silently resented me.

She sees my father in me.

I just wasn't worth the effort in her eyes.

She resents all the sacrifices she had to make to raise me.

Given what I know about him and what I experienced because of my father, I wouldn't at all be surprised if my creation happened because he raped her. I'm very serious here.

All in all, I think she likes me more now that I am an adult because I bring more money to the household with my disability benefits, am the only one who my sister sort of listens to, so I can act like a second parent, and now she can vent at me even more about her problems.

I was raised to believe that you have to excel at everything and be on your best behavior to deserve empathy, love, food, comfort, gifts, family, and respect. It was taken away as soon as I was seen as not deserving of it.

So yeah, I guess I just didn't deserve it and deserved to be treated like this.

At least I'm glad my sister doesn't have to go through some things as bad as me. But still, it hurts.

#seriously #it's not fair #I was slapped for self harming #and my mom insulted me #...But maybe I did deserve it #I don't know #all I know is #I shouldn't be alive #i am definitely not okay

[misfit-among-the-angels]

Yes I'm a toxic person.

#I'm so sorry #I shouldn't be alive #personal

[raincoquteee]

no vegas

funny guy

i tried to play dsaf the new location saw people got scared and closed the roblox window. i. i want to kill myself. social anxiety is an amazing experience

#dsaf #dayshift at freddy's #jack kennedy #dave miller #davesport #dsaf jack #dsaf dave #alive jack kennedy #legacy jack #dsaf legacy #legacy fans this your man? #he looks like cursed emoji #i need to do things with jack that shouldn't be talked about out loud in public

[omaano]

I've learned how to do lineart, and the colour green no longer terrifies me so I'll only take another half a year to figure out how to shade this drawing for Mereel & Family Booksellers chapter 2 by @sidhebeingbrand and @toughbreaks :D

#I'm only mildly annoyed that I'm 3.5/4 with managing to draw Cody to my absolute liking #while there is ALWAYS a 50-50 chance at least that Boba will turn out just a little OFF TT^TT #anyways HELLO I've terribly missed this story and this ship! #bobadin #boba fett #din djarin #jaster mereel #the mandalorian fanart #star wars fanart #commander cody #grogu #changeling au #my art #I'd really like a room like this... but I shouldn't be trusted with more plants than what I already try to keep alive #I have about 6 lineart layer I don't know how I'll manage here in the future XD #I'm surprised how fond I am of Cody here #wip wednesday

[bumblingbabooshka]

S'chn T'gai-Grayson Family Memes

#Spock #Sarek #Michael Burnham #Amanda Grayson #Sybok #Spock's siblings....they are always up in the air #you've heard of schrondinger's cat now get ready for Spock's Siblings #are they alive? dead? do they even exist? changes literally every time #star trek memes #T'Pring: Stonn what are you doing today #Stonn:....Perhaps taking a walk?......I was considering taking my binoculars to better observe the birds. #T'Pring: (head over heels) Excellent #SNW GIVE ME MORE T'PRING CONTENT PLEASE I'LL BE SO NORMAL <- lyinglyinglying #Girl who just wants to live a normal life in a normal partnership....<3<3 and WHY SHOULDN'T SHE??? #Sarek Voice: Apologies for my son Sybok...they/them pussy has him acting most illogically.

[fernsnailz]

why can't sonic be a twink

HE'S A FUCKING HEDGEHOG

#everyone go home i don't think i'll ever get an ask funnier than this #my real answer is that sonic is FIFTEEN YEARS OLD and you really shouldn't be calling kids twinks jfnsgk #cannot believe this is how i'm starting my saturday morning. what a time to be alive #fernasks

[quikyu]

Momo, her father, and the Mask-Maker

#death #blood #gore #pokemon #ogerpon #sinistcha #teal mask #pokemorph #quikyu oc #quikyu artiste #Scientifically generated hottest man alive (named Deko) #Or. HAHA. I shouldn't say 'alive' should I. HAHA #do i tag this angst too? #momo #deko #mask maker #If you didn't know already. Momo's father takes the place of Ogerpon's Companion

[my-thyla-my-captain]

the way that edward sits with the fact that izzy killed himself as a result of his actions (the leg? the removal of his title, the hierarchy defender -- ex-firstmates have to die for the new one to take their place? vulnerability scorned, i have love for you, loyalty and trust forced beyond its breaking point a thousand times over and izzy still cant pull the trigger to kill him?) by doing the same thing he did to stede at the end of season one. a harsh retaliation against the things they held dear - stede with the revenge, his crew, his books and comfortable fineries, izzy with giving a shit about the crew he considers his own and most notably edward himself. he's so spiteful to be left alone because it masks just how unlovable he believes himself to be, and i think it's incredibly telling that when he thinks izzy's dead he leaves them all unmoored in a storm

#And then when izzy shows up not only alive but weathering the storm and shoots him... #I shouldn't elaborate #ofmd season 2 #Ofmd s2 #ofmd s2 spoilers #Izzy hands #Israel hands #blackhands #ofmd #our flag means death #edward teach #ed teach #Blackhands #Edizzy #Gentlebeard #stede bonnet

[ro-bee]

Some doodles I drew last night of the best character ever (I am in pain)

Also jiginkas of the ships because I'm proud of them 🔥❤

#one piece #trafalgar d water law #one piece fanart #donquixote rosinante #trafalgar d. water lammy #lammy my little child #i want them to be together i shouldn't have ended like that 🥺 #in my heart law and lammy live in the tang don't look at me #she's alive in my heart... #thousand sunny #going merry #polar tang #my art

[big-man-in-places-he-shouldnt-be]

Big Man shouldn't be in the Amazing Digital Circus!

#Uh oh! Hope he can find the exit soon #I know I keep saying this but- sorry for disappearing so much! I'm alive #just very busy with college😔 #big man #splatoon #big man in places he shouldn't be #the amazing digital circus

[iwonderwh0]

More like a headcanon, but I like this one

#dbh #dbh connor #dbh hank #detroit become human #dbh headcanons #dbh memes #Connor for obvious reasons #Hank for Cole's death #(even if it wasn't his fault I feel like it's typical for people in his position to blame themselves even if it's just for staying alive #and keeping living after what happened) #although I suppose there are def also other reasons to feel guilty about #in relation to more recent events #for being so blinded for not realising thimgs earlier #for not stopping helping DPD catch deviants earlier #or (what I think shouldn't be forgotten) almost blowing Connor's brains out in a drunken state #this *would* leave a mark and it *will* resurface sooner or later (I think) #it's not really one of those things you can just take back #as if it never happened #haconk

[danwhobrowses]

It shouldn't need to be said but I'm seeing a lot of vitriol towards Ashton about their actions and I have to say I don't agree with them.

At the clock tower Fearne brought up the shard, stated that in her opinion Ashton should take the shard because she didn't want it. Ashton decided then as a result they'd take it, but because it was an extreme risk made very aware to them all they knew the other Hells wouldn't allow them to go through with it. Ashton asked Fearne if she was okay with both of them going together alone with the plan, reiterating that they didn't want to put this on Fearne, that if they died Fearne would not be to blame, and that they have no intention of dying, and Fearne said yes.

Fearne having second thoughts at the Ziggurat was just worry, because she cares deeply for Ashton, Ashton kissing her was not manipulation either; it was letting go of fear, having no regret with the person they also care deeply for and taking the risk. And yeah, it was frightening, 10 rounds of perpetual fiery near-death situations and one actual death situation; Laura is fuming, Ashley cannot look, Liam is playing Mad World on loop in his mind, even Matt is completely on edge, but they survived. Accusations that Ashton manipulated Fearne to selfishly take the shard seem to misinterpret the shard saga as well as Fearne and Ashton's characters, they will get a very intense amount of chastising for sure, but it will be out of love, out of the fear that they were going to lose them, not because they thought Ash was manipulative.

#critical role #bells hells #ashton greymoore #taliesin jaffe #fearne calloway #ashley johnson #laura bailey #matt mercer #Ashton literally is comprised of things that shouldn't exist of course they're gonna not heed warnings when Fearne didn't want it #the group are stressed but I don't believe there's heat #if I recall 4sd is aired after an unaired episode so Tal Travis Matt and Ashley were happily vibing from that despite having already played #Tal and Ashley agreed on this gambit they just underestimated how bad it'd go #and I would wager that Tal knew he could lean on the ring to save Ashton at least once #overall no I don't think Ashton intended to manipulate or hurt anyone and in trying to shoulder it alone they were trying to be selfless #but reminder Ashton is 6 charisma they aren't gonna express their intentions too well #the Hells are rightfully so mad for making them worry but in the end they're just gonna be grateful Ashton's alive #also I have to make a point that Fearne said 'I shouldn't have listened to you' not 'I shouldn't have trusted you' there's a big difference #and Tal hasn't tried to wriggle or bargain out of it he's had Ashton accept all frustration because they know it's from a loving place #critical role spoilers #sorry for multiple edits I keep seeing me unconsciously use he/him and I have to fix it plus I have more to say but nobody to say it to