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ask-an-aro · 5 years

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Recently, I queued a post on my blog reading: “Normalize aro people who don’t use the split attraction model.”

Yeah, I thought. Good idea. It’s important to remember that not everyone uses it.

After that, however, I started noticing how difficult it is to word aspec discussions in an inclusive way with that in mind. So, I decided to write an article about it. But, since I do use the SAM, it started to seem disingenuous to do so without asking for the perspectives of those who don’t. So I made a google docs survey. I’m glad I did, because I got a lot of perspectives I wasn’t expecting.

Wait – back up – what even is the split attraction model?

The split attraction model (SAM) is a way of conceptualising attraction based on splitting it up into different types of attraction people can experience.

This is generally talked about as the split between sexual and romantic attraction, but many people also split the attraction they experience into other categories such as platonic, sensual, and aesthetic.

It was created by and for the aspec community, but people who are not aspec use it as well.

For example someone might be bisexual homoromantic i.e. They might experience sexual attraction to two or more genders and romantic attraction to the same gender.

People who have the same romantic and sexual attraction sometimes use it too – because they experience or conceptualise these attractions as separate. For example, it is very common for people to identify as asexual and aromantic separately rather than asexual, aromantic, or aroace as one identity.

However, the SAM is just a model and it doesn’t make sense for everyone to use it. This is not the way attraction inherently is – it is the way it is helpful for many people to interpret, understand, and explain their attraction(s).

So why use it in the first place if it doesn’t apply to everyone?

The SAM is a really helpful for interpreting and explaining attraction. It gives people the language to say: I am attracted to this person in this way, but not in this one.

I actually think it would be useful for understanding and working through feelings for people who aren’t aspec. Sometimes I explain this model to my allo friends when they talk about finding somebody attractive but not wanting a relationship with them, or vice versa.

But for many aspec people, it’s not just useful, but necessary. There is no real alternative for people who experience different attractions to different groups of people. I couldn’t even begin to explain how I experience attraction, being aromantic bisexual, without using the split attraction model.

It’s also a really easy way to explain what asexuality and aromanticism are. While we may not use the term “split attraction model,” it’s become the default way to explain what aromanticism even is to beginners. How else do you explain the concept of a romantic orientation than by opposing it from a sexual one?

If you do experience your attractions as split, the SAM can be a lifeline. Suddenly, what you’re feeling makes sense! You finally have the language to talk about it, and that’s vital for a large part of the community. But if it doesn’t make sense for you, or you just don’t want to use it for any other reason… that’s where we start to encounter problems.

Okay so why don’t people use it?

There are all sorts of reasons why someone may not want to use the SAM.

One reason that I have already alluded to, is that not everyone experiences “sexual and romantic attraction,” but “attraction,” which they may label using one of these terms, other terms, or not at all.

If we forget for the moment that the SAM exists, we might think that the corresponding identity for homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual, etc, is asexual. This is how the term came to exist in the first place. It follows, then, that asexual people who don’t use the SAM may view their orientation in this way. The split attraction model then turns this into: “bisexual = bisexual and biromantic; asexual = asexual and aromantic.”

But, the fact that the SAM does exist complicates things. Other asexuals who don’t use the SAM don’t understand asexuality as “asexual and aromantic,” but chose not to adopt a romantic orientation at all, or do not identify with the concept of romantic attraction in the first place.

By the same token, we get people who identify solely as aromantic. This could be for any number of reasons: perhaps because they identify more with that label, they relate more to the experiences of the aromantic community, or they find that the concept aromanticism describes their experiences better.

There’s an assumption that people who identify as solely “asexual,” or “aromantic,” are basically “asexual and aromantic,” but this is not accurate for everyone and that assumption can be forced onto people, which is damaging.

There are also people who use some variation of “aroace” or “asexual aromantic,” as one identity, in the same vein as the way ”gay” and “bi” mean one orientation and not a combination of two. This is likely due to the fact that “asexual” and “aromantic” also exist as separate identities, it makes sense to acknowledge that for these people they mean both.

There are also people who don’t use it simply as a matter of preference, or have specific problems with the SAM, and don’t use it for those reasons. Some of these are:

Don’t relate to/ feel a connection with the language of the SAM

Do experience split attractions but don’t find the way the SAM splits attraction to be helpful

Find the SAM too confusing/ inaccessible

Identify with the aspec community for reasons that the SAM doesn’t help explain, e.g inability to determine between attractions

Okay so some people use it and some people don’t. What’s the problem?

Since the first instances of it’s use, the SAM was never meant to apply to everyone, just to those who find it useful. And yet, because so many people in the aspec community need to use it by virtue of the fact that there is no other option, in much of the community it is treated as a default. Our discussions and positivity posts tend to be based on this model of attraction as a given premise. For example, I recently looked at and reblogged this introductory brochure. I didn’t see a problem with it at the time, and I still think it’s a great attempt at aspec 101. But it largely ignores the existence of aspecs who don’t use the SAM.

I see this as a problem for a couple of reasons:

It is alienating to people who don’t use the SAM. I asked in my survey if aspecs who don’t use the SAM felt excluded in aspec discussions and the vast majority responded “yes” or “sometimes.” As one respondent to my survey put it: this community is “not a monolith.” It is not accurate to treat it as one.

We’re potentially alienating or confusing baby aspecs. If your first introduction to asexuality and/or aromanticism is using a model that doesn’t make sense to you – it might make the community less accessible.

This convention of explaining the ace and/or aro spectrums in terms of the SAM creates pressure for aspecs who don’t use the SAM to explain their identities to outsiders, newbies, and intra community discussions in terms of the SAM when they may not want to.

I don’t think this is an intentional effort to erase anyone. Partly, it’s because when you do conceptualise attraction as split, it becomes really difficult to understand it in any other way.

As well as this, as one respondent to my survey pointed out: it’s a reaction to exclusionists – the discourse around the SAM is exhausting and we’re left having to defend it’s existence. This can make us forget that it’s just an option, and not the only one at that.

Well what do you want me to do about it?

One respondent to the survey suggested we treat the SAM like “queer” in that it’s fine as a personal identity choice and to use about community discussions to a certain extent but to be mindful that it’s not okay to just assume everyone identifies with it. I thought that was a really good suggestion.

I also think it might be a good idea, when introducing people to the concept of asexuality and/or aromanticism, to present the SAM as just one option and not the default. Unfortunately, this has the potential drawback of making introductions even more confusing. We already bombard newbies with a lot of information at once, and saying:

“Well there’s a model of attraction which splits sexual and romantic attraction so if you think you experience one but not the other or both but differently, or neither but differently you can use that OR you might not find it helpful to think of attraction in that way at all in which case maybe just look at a list of labels and check which your experience seems to relate to most?”

Well, it might just end up being more confusing. Personally, I think it’s worth it.

At the very least, I want to encourage people to stop making blanket statements like: “sexual orientations are different from romantic orientations.” Because, yes, they can be. Or they can not be.

Terminology:

Allo: used here to indicate both allosexual and alloromantic OR allosexual as a non SAM descriptor.

Allosexual: the opposite of asexual; not on the asexual spectrum.

Aspec: an umbrella term for anyone on the asexual spectrum and/or aromantic spectrum

Notes:

At the time of writing this, I have only received 22 useable responses to the survey of non SAM using aspecs. This sample is not large enough to represent every aspec who doesn’t use the SAM, and is likely skewed towards people who interact with the aspec community on tumblr, since that’s where I posted it.

One respondent to the survey had issues with my use of the word aspec (on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrum) as it implies there is one aspec community rather than an asexual spectrum community and an aromantic spectrum community.

I used aspec because there is no other word that includes arospecs, acespecs, and aroacespecs who don’t use the SAM and the survey could apply to all of them. I continue to use it here, because there is no other word that includes the arospec, acespec, and aroacespec communities. The fact is that for some people aromanticism and asexuality are split and for some they are not. Some people are in both communities, some are in just one and for some being ace and aro is one single identity that they don’t think of as separate.

Another respondent mentioned concerns about the SAM sexualising queer identities. I have not addressed that here because I don’t feel comfortable mentioning it without clarifying that I don’t agree that this is the case, but I have addressed it on this blog.

I should also clarify that since I do use the split attraction model, while I’ve made an effort to hear from and include people who don’t, it should be noted that my perspective may be biased and I cannot speak for those who don’t use the SAM.

#split attraction model #aro community discussion #very long post #this took me like 3 days #queue

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dgcatanisiri · 5 years

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Y’know how I legitimately dislike Dorian? Yeah, I have the same attitude towards Reyes. Can’t stand him either.

So, let’s just recap this. Two of the still-comparatively small sample size options of romances that are actually available to me as a gay player are just unbearable in terms of their personality (not even getting to the addition of Bull to my ‘can’t romance’ list due to my being asexual and so uncomfortable with the sexual nature of it...). Both of them actually hit a lot of the same beats in terms of personality and portrayal (specifically in the fact that the writing is done in such a way that you can’t really say that you dislike them - rejecting Dorian is framed as being about him being Tevinter, not that it’s because you don’t want him around as an individual, and the most Ryder gets to express skepticism and disapproval of Reyes is refusing his drink and the comment to Zia, at least until you get to the duel).

How many male/female romances have this same personality for the NPC character? Even when they use similar baselines, they actually have managed to shake them up a little - Bastila, Morrigan, and Miranda would all fall under the Defrosting Ice Queen trope, but they’re still very distinct characters from one another. Dorian and Reyes? They’re actually pretty similar characters, in terms of their characterization. I mean, to Dorian’s credit, he’s full of hot air as a cover for his own insecurities because of how Tevinter has taught him to be ashamed of his sexuality (I mean, I still have issues, because I’m tired of gay characters angsting about the hardships of being gay, especially in a setting that had been relatively free of homophobia before Inquisition, but I’ll give him that). Reyes, though... The whole time he’s playing Ryder. There is nothing that will convince me otherwise, this is a man looking to secure his personal power and, in the event that he had to choose between power and Ryder, he’d “feel bad” about it, but he would NOT pick Ryder.

Even in putting aside the subjective reactions here, though, it’s REALLY. BAD. that this is a reused personality. Because it’s actually been pretty much BioWare’s default for a M/M relationship (I don’t call this archetype the BioWare Bad Boy Love Interest™ for nothing). Because this was Zevran. This was SKY in Jade Empire. They are the charming and dashing rogues, who approach you and are able to offer a few flirtatious looks, a smile, and could easily make off with your valuables with you none the wiser. Hell, of that list, only Dorian isn’t ACTUALLY a thief and/or lawbreaker.

And I’ve had a legitimate downward trend with these characters, in seeing this archetype repeated so often. Sky was my first M/M romance and I love him and always will, especially since I played Jade Empire when I was still learning to be comfortable in my sexuality. Zevran, I just never warmed up to his romance - nice character, no more than a friend. I did like Dorian at first while playing Inquisition, but looking bad, I was more impressed by what Dorian meant - a gay romance in a major studio release - and the moment Trespasser had him force the Inquisitor in a long distance relationship with no conversation or discussion on the subject, I gave up on him and refused to romance or even recruit him again. And then Reyes, I didn’t like or trust him from the word go.

So, BioWare. STOP WRITING THIS CHARACTER TYPE. You can be diverse as hell with the characterizations and personalities of the M/F relationships you write, WHY are you just repeating the same character type for the M/M ones? Hell, now that I think about it, there’s a similar touch happening for the F/F relationships, though since most of them are also options for male PCs to romance, they get a little more variation, so I’m not exactly marking that down as a win...

Queer people come in as many variations of personalities as straight people. REFLECT THAT.

#dg rants #dg gets pissed #another angry queer rant #i haven't ranted about this in a few months #we were due for it to bubble over

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hermiethefrog · 6 years

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Your explanation makes sense in how it’s a reminder of good friends. Not sure how that still works if MC doesn’t chip in and she doesn’t get the dress? Maybe the fact that they would?

But as you said, a cop out.

Here’s what I was hoping would happen in a moment of delusional hope.

We’d talk more to Myra about what would happen and she would go into her feelings about Brian, relationships and men in general, all of that.

And this is going in an obvious direction for me. But a heads up. Because I am both aromantic and asexual, I conflate everything related to those things into the same category of no thanks. I understand that the split attraction model is a thing many people use. Separating romantic and sexual desires doesn’t work well for me. So if I talk about one thing that’s actually the other thing, sorry.

So for the purposes of this, I’m gonna use a-spec to describe Myra. I assume she is both asexual and aromantic. Others might not think the same. This covers all of those variations.

In my dream version of the chapter, Myra was going to talk about how she’s never wanted a boyfriend. Someone like Sydney asks if she’d want a girlfriend then. Myra thinks a moment then says no, not that either. All on the same level of no.

And they’d go into it more and Myra would talk about feeling confused on this because that’s not what high school students are supposed to be doing? You’re all going on dates and kissing and getting excited about this. And I’m excited to help you guys do it, but not for me, so what’s wrong with me? Is there something wrong? There must be.

It’s not even so much that Brian kept pursuing her as it was that brought up all the confusion she’s had.

And then someone would pipe in and be like hey do you think you’re asexual?

they gotta explain a bit what that means, definitions for people who aren’t informed. And Myra comes out with a label for her identity and feeling better about it.

That would have been amazing? Because the app can be geared towards younger kids who might be still struggling with their identities. I’ve seen confessions from girls talking about how the app makes them realize they like girls. That is wonderful. I want that. I want that to be true for the kids who are struggling to realize they’re a-spec too.

Because when I was younger we just didn’t have the means of education about this, didn’t have the characters like this, nothing. And when there’s no labels for what you are, you default to broken.

So the chapter didn’t go towards that direction at all and it’s probably my fault for building this fantasy version of it. But I’m disappointed.

Because it has been literally years. And I only get the character in the chat story that no one can play.

And the game makes more and more and more romance stories. And that’s not for me, personally. The games used to be a place I fit because there was focus on other things besides romance. Stories with heart. Love of all kinds, not just the romantic.

I think stories with heart means romantic stuff only now.

There’s nothing wrong with romance. I just don’t want this game that used to mean so much to me to only be focused on romance and be yet another reminder that society sees me as abnormal and freakish for not wanting these things.

and that’s.... a bummer.

#playchoices #ladynevrakis #reply replies #high school story #and YES I fucking know I'm conflating asexuality and aromanticism #that's in the case of MY personal experiences #those two ARE conflated for me #I do not USE the split attraction model #it is fine if you do and I am glad we have that language but do not force me to use it #long post

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aro-aizawa · 6 years

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heckie ye another tag thing i love these. got tagged by @highabovethecloudssomewhere so lets get into it!!

1. Name: Danni

2. Nicknames: uhhh i don’t actually have any i don’t think?? i mean my username i guess. i used to a have a bunch that related to my birth name, and a few of my high school friends called me by my last name too but both of those are irrelevant since i changed my name so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3. Height: idk man. when i was about 12 i thought i was 5′7″ because i measured myself badly so i was probably 5′3″ and i kept saying i was that even though i was wrong all the time lmao. but the last time that i measured myself at 18 i was 5′7″ so weirdly enough i stopped growing at that. some sort of weird “i predicted my future height” bs there. so i guess i say that i’m that even though it’s been nearly three years and i have no idea if im taller now or not. shrugs.

4. Orientation: asexual/panromantic. i used to think i was bi when i was 15 but uhhhh yeah lmao i figured out a while ago im pan.

5. Nationality: british or specifically english. my country is shit but at least there’s free healthcare i guess

6. Favourite fruit: mangoes. i would stab a dude to get my hands on some real nice chopped mangoes that are perfectly ripe. they’re expensive and i can’t cut them to save my life, but whenever i can pick up some pre-cut ones i usually do. but if we’re talking fruit flavoured stuff its cherry (which is my second favourite fruit).

7. Favourite season: autumn/winter. i love nearly everything about those two seasons. from the holidays to the weather. i love bundling up indoors with the heating on and just relaxing in the warm environment. i love walking outside when the leaves are falling and just kicking up the unraked dead leaves on the pavement. i love the heavy rain and the constant overcast skies. i also love the fact that the uk now has its snow in spring so lmao that’s a thing.

8. Favourite plant: i wanna say something like the a rose bush (because of my name) or a cherry tree (because of fond childhood memories) but honestly it’s probably jade vine (i just scrolled through five solid months of private messages on tumblr to find one conversation i had where i mentioned it rip) bc its pretty and rare

9. Favourite scent: i adore sweet fruity smells. like a sweet cherry or apple. roses or strawberries, all that good stuff. though at the moment i really really love this cucumber and peppermint spray i bought from primark. it smells really relaxing and refreshing.

10. Favourite colour: a golden yellow.

11. Favourite animal: i don’t think it’s accurate to say i have one since this changes often. i love sloths, bats, dogs, octopus and squids. they’re all awesome. rn though i think bats are my favourite. mostly because i just looked back through my bats tag on my blog lmao

12. Tea, coffee or hot chocolate: none! i’m not really a hot drinks fan, but if i had to pick one it’d be hot chocolate since i don’t like the taste of either tea or coffee. but it has to be hot chocolate made with warm milk and a ton of sugar added. if you use hot water instead of milk, i will not drink it bc it’ll taste gross.

13. Average hours of sleep: five or six honestly but the days that i get eight or nine are amazing

14. Dogs or cats: always gonna be dogs. i love cats on an aesthetic and thematic level but i have severe allergies (wheezing on the floor from just one touch level bad) and cats dont really like me much. plus most dogs are always happy to see you, are great to pet and interact with, i’m not allergic to a single one, and they’re so stupid but intelligent at the same time. the only thing i dont like about them is when they’re small breeds (chihuahuas and pugs make me especially uncomfortable) and when they bark bc loud noises scare me

15. Favourite fictional character: don’t make me do this bc i love so many characters for so many reasons. i guess i’ll just say that my favourite characterS are spiderman, izuku midoriya, danny phantom, kim possible, toph beifong and usagi tsukino.

16. Dream Trip: three weeks in orlando florida during late summer with my friends. we go to every theme park and stay in a disney hotel for some of it, we check out the restaurants on the strip, chill by the hotel pool for a day or two, and go play mini golf every other night. (basically one of my favourite holidays with my friends replacing my family)

17. When was your blog created: 27th of march 2013. wow. five years on this hellsite. huh.

18. Number of followers: 372!

19. Random fact: a lot of my favourite childhood characters have shaped my life significantly over the years. like for example, as a kid i always liked the name danny (and all variations of it) because of danny phantom and when i chose my own name i chose Danni. another example is that when i was a kid i had exclusively middle parting and full fringe for the first 11-12 years of my life, but i styled my hair like kim possible’s once (but messing up because she has a right parting and i have a left oops) and now it’s my default style. i’ve tried going back once or twice but i just can’t keep it at all because it doesn’t feel natural lmao

20. Introvert, extrovert or ambivert: introvert. god introvert all the way. i’ve never ever been extroverted and the only close thing is when me and my friends are alone in a room i can be really confident, but other than that i don’t have an extroverted bone in my body.

#shut up danni #long post #wow this got long and i deffo didn't expect me to take this long in completing it oops #also tag yourselves if it looks fun #you're welcome to say i tagged you in it if you like and deffo tag me bc im interested and wanna get to know my followers

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arplis · 4 years

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Arplis - News: Your Comprehensive Guide to Online Dating Slang

Internet Dating Slang Terms You Need to Know in 2020

Though we're still meeting in bars and going to see movies together, dating today would be largely unrecognizable to people 10 years ago; changes in how we find our dates, how we treat them and how we describe ourselves to them have radically altered the dating landscape.

To many, modern dating can seem like a minefield of technical jargon; the phrase "My poly pansexual situationship ghosted me so I'm breadcrumbing this snack I had a half-night stand with last year, will you be my emergency call if he wants to Netflix & chill?" will be clear as day to some and unintelligible to others.

RELATED:All the Sex Slang You Need to Know

If you find yourself in the latter category, this gigantic glossary of 61dating terms is for you.

AROMANTIC

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: ay-ro-MAN-tick

Aromanticism is pretty rare, but it is real: A certain portion of the population does not experience the feelings of romantic love that seem to come naturally for so many of us. While that might seem like either a blessing or a curse, depending on your take on love, perhaps the most significant hurdle for aromantic people is simply feeling left out and misunderstood by a culture for whom dating, love and marriage are not only the norm, but the de facto expectation for all.

Etymology: The "a-" prefix roughly translates to "without;" "romantic," here, means capable of having feelings of romantic love

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't... fall in love." "You're not broken maybe you're just aromantic!"

ASEXUAL

aka Ace

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ay-SEK-shoo-UL

Being asexual doesn't specify whom you're attracted to, unlike other terms on this list. It specifies you don't experience sexual attraction. But this doesn't mean you can't have sex only that you don't feel the need in the same way. Dating an ace person? Expect to check in regularly with them re: their desires and boundaries just as you would when dating anybody else.

Etymology: Knowing that "a-" means "without," I'm sure I don't need to tell you what "sexual" means.

"Patrick, are you dating Scott? I thought he was asexual, not gay." "Scott's asexual and likes boys! It ain't mutually exclusive."

BENCHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BENCH-ing

Benching is when you're not into someone enough to commit to officially dating them, but you don't want them to move on and find someone else either, so you string them along juuuust enough to keep them waiting on the sidelines for you.

Etymology: You know when you're on a sports team but not actually playing, just waiting on the bench until the coach needs you? Yeah, it's the dating version of that.

"Rachel only ever seems to text me after I've given up on hearing from her. She's definitely benching me."

BIG DICK ENERGY

Dating / Identity

Pronunciation: BIG dick EH-nur-JEE

Big dick energy, or BDE, is something only a small amount of people possess. Its the quality of having supreme confidence without needing to be loud or controlling, a quiet understanding of who you are and what you bring to the table that doesnt require backtalk, bragging, or B.S. In short, someone with big dick energy is incredibly hot, and more guys should try to emulate that. The truth is, you can have BDE no matter what your penis size is as long as youre comfortable with who you are.

Etymology: The phrase was coined by Twitter user @imbobswaget in a tweet mourning the June 2018 death of TV personality and chef Anthony Bourdain. It implies that a person (or thing) exudes the confidence that must come with having a large penis and Bourdain's kindness, charm and humble swagger were just that.

Damn, look at that guy over there. Hes totally exuding big dick energy.

BISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: by-SEK-shoo-ULL

Bisexual persons are attracted to two genders. In the nineties, we'd have said "bisexual persons are into men and women", but we know a little more about sex and gender than we used to. Swinging both ways, flexible, cross-platform compatible, or rooting for both teams, a bisexual person can enjoy sex with or fall in love with the same gender as themselves, or a different gender from themselves. Bi people might prefer dating one gender and sleeping with another, but we still call 'em bi.

Etymology: A bisexual person is like a bicycle; both share the prefix bi, which means two.

"Mike, why do you call yourself bisexual? You've only ever dated women." "That's true, but I just haven't met a guy I wanted to call my boyfriend yet."

BREADCRUMBING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BREAD-crum-ing

Breadcrumbing is when you send flirty but non-committal messages to a person when you're not really interested in dating them but don't have the guts to break things off with them completely. The breadcrumbee is strung along for the sake of sparing the breadcrumber a confrontation.

Etymology: Think of the phenomenon of getting a small creature to follow you by laying a trail of breadcrumbs here, and you've got the right idea.

"Rene replies to every second or third message I send her but never wants to meet IRL. I think she's breadcrumbing me."

CASUAL RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KAZH-oo-ull ruh-LAY-shun-ship

Somewhere in between f*ckbuddies and going steady is the casual relationship, in which two people typically hang out regularly and have sex but don't partake in the hallmarks of a serious relationship, like exclusivity, ongoing commitment and spending time with each other's friends and family.

Etymology: This one's pretty straightforward in meaning: it's a romantic relationship that's not too serious or committed.

"I have a friends with benefits type thing going on with Emily, you know? It's a casual relationship."

CATFISHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KAT-fish-ing

Catfishing is one of those dating terms that has legitimately made its way into the mainstream, thanks to the TV show and movie of the same name. Messaging with someone who's pretending to be someone else? You're being catfished! These setups tend to end badly. But until then, move your conversation with your crush to the phone/IRL/video chat of some sort as soon as you can muster. If they're resistant, they might be catfishing you.

Etymology: The term gained popularity after the release of the 2010 documentary on the then-burgeoning phenomenon, Catfish, but the real reason for the name is harder to come by.

"She always has a different excuse not to meet up with me." "Sounds you're being catfished..."

CISGENDER

aka Cis

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: siss-JENN-der

Cisgender is a term for people who aren't transgender, or whose assigned gender lines up with their actual gender. But isn't that 'normal', you might ask? Actually, it isn't, it's just more common: variations in sex and sexuality are perfectly normal and occur frequently in nature (gender is a little more complicated, as we don't have a theory of mind that encompasses gender for nonhuman animals). While cisgender persons may outnumber transgender persons, it isn't a default setting; it's one of many.

Etymology: From cis-, meaning literally 'on this side of' in mathematics and organic chemistry.

"So what's the opposite of trans, then? Normal?" "Well, no, it's not that simple. But the term you're looking for is 'cis'."

CUFFING SEASON

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KUFF-ing SEE-zun

Cuffing season is the period between early fall and late winter when everyone starts to shack up with the nearest half-decent single person to ward off loneliness and cold during the cooler months. Cuffing season typically implied a short term, mutually beneficial arrangement that's strictly seasonal, and it ends as soon as the leaves start turning green again. The term is African American Vernacular English (AAVE) and has been around at least since the early 2010s.

Etymology: Cuffing, as in "handcuffing", because you're chaining yourself to someone else at least until winter's over.

"Starbucks just brought back the pumpkin spice latte, it must be cuffing season!"

CURVE

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: KURV

Getting curved is being rejected, shot down, turned aside, said no to, dissed and dismissed. Yes, it sucks. When you get curved you need to take a moment to properly absorb all of the "no" that just hit you. But there's also something beautiful to a well-done curve; it's a memento to a failure, big and small, that you can carry around with you and use to prop up or tear down narratives about your dateability.

Etymology: A curve is often subtler than a flat-out no (think: Your text gets "Seen" but not responded to), so even if it hurts the same, it carries a name that implies a redirection rather than an outright rejection.

"I tried to ask out this babe at the bar last night and she curved me harder than I've ever been curved in my life."

CUSHIONING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KUSH-on-ing

As above, cushioning is the process of staying in contact with one or more romantic prospects as a backup in case things don't go smoothly with your main squeeze. The "cushions" are usually kept on the periphery, eg. texting rather than full blown cheating.

Etymology: Cushioning, as in, keeping a person or several people around to "cushion" the blow if your main relationship doesn't work out.

"I do really like Priya, but I'm still texting Sian just in case. Yeah, I guess I'm cushioning."

DADDY

Dating / Identity

Pronunciation: DAH-dee

Over the past few years, daddy culture has risen to become pretty mainstream. These days, its normal for teens and assorted millennials to use the word daddy in either a sexual or sex-adjacent context. You might call your partner daddy in bed, or you might acknowledge a hot older mans daddy vibes because of his muscles, body hair, facial hair, and personal wealth. Either way, yes, its low-key incestuous, but the people have spoken.

Etymology: From the word daddy, meaning father.

She keeps on texting me, choke me daddy. What the hell does that mean?

DEMISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: DEH-mee-SEK-shoo-ULL

A demisexual is a person whose sex drive is tied not to an immediate visual or physical attraction but to people's personalities once they've gotten to know them. As a result, demisexuals are poor candidates for one-night stands and casual relationships which may make them feel a bit alienated in our current dating climate. But they're no more or less capable of deep, loving relationships as the rest of us, so if you're prepared to take things slow sexually, demisexuals can make for great partners, too.

Etymology: Demi means half, or part positioning demisexuals between asexuals and people who do typically experience sexual desire.

"At first I thought I was asexual, but then I realized I can have sexual desire for people... just not until I really know them!" "Sounds like you might be demisexual."

DM SLIDE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: DEE-em slide

A DM slide is when you direct message your crush using the private messaging functions available on all of the major social media networks, eg. Twitter and Instagram. You usually need to be mutuals first ie. follow each other to avoid your message ending up in an "other" folder, and DM sliding tends to occur after some public interaction, eg. liking each other's pics or @ replying.

Etymology: DM stands for "direct messages", and "sliding" is the process of entering someone's direct messages to flirt with them.

"Brandy just posted a selfie and she's looking hot AF! I'm about to slide in the DMs."

DTR CONVERSATION

aka DTR, DTR Convo

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: dee-tee-ARE con-ver-SAY-shun

A DTR conversation is a pivotal moment in a relationship: It's the moment you discuss what you are. Are you a for-real couple, or just friends with benefits, or a situationship? Timing is huge, here. Have your DTR too early and you risk scaring the other person away; too late and you might discover they've been casually dating around the whole time, assuming it wasn't serious.

Etymology: There's no great mystery here DTR simply stands for "define the relationship."

"It's been six months and I just don't know what we are yet?" "Well have you had a DTR convo with him?

EGGPLANT EMOJI

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: EGG-plant ee-MO-ji

There are other sex emojis the peach (a luscious butt) and the water drops (either wetness or ejaculate, depending on your tastes), notably but the eggplant emoji is doubtless the most suggestive. Why? Well, peach and water drops are actually used in other contexts. But when was the last time you needed to use a damn eggplant emoji to signify eggplant?

Etymology: People just noticed that the eggplant emoji was phallic-looking. The rest is history.

"Wow, did you see that bulge? Man, I'd love to see his eggplant emoji, if you know what I mean."

EMERGENCY CALL

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: eh-MUR-jun-see KOL

An emergency call is a fakeout that allows you to politely get out of a particularly bad date. If you can tell the night's going to be a trainwreck from the earliest moments (and you often can) but you're genuinely afraid of insulting the stranger you're sitting across from, a fake emergency call from a friend saying "Your brother's in the hospital" or "Your cat just died" early on in the evening can be a real lifesaver.

"Oh, God, thanks for agreeing to be my emergency call last night. What a nightmare date that was."

FIREDOORING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: FIE-er DOH-ring

This is the dating version of the one-way fire door on rare occasions, someone will come out of their shell to contact you, but won't respond if you attempt to get in touch. It's a setup that only works in deeply unequal situations if you're getting firedoored, you're constantly feeling frustrated and only occasionally satisfied. If this is happening to you, get out and close the door behind you. There are tons of people out there who won't do this to you!

Etymology: A fire door is a one-way door it allows you to exit (on rare occasions) but never allows anyone to enter.

"She never responds to my messages, but texts me 'u up' at 1 a.m.? What's the deal?" "Sounds like you're getting firedoored, bud."

FRECKLING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: FRECK-uh-ling

Just as cooler temperatures bring out cuffing season and associated coupling up, warmer temperatures change peoples dating behaviors. If someone only seems interested in you during the warmer months, it might be a case of freckling. Maybe they got out of a relationship of sorts during the spring and now that its summertime, youre on their hookup roster. Unfortunately, theyre not looking for anything serious or permanent just like freckles, theyll disappear come fall.

Etymology: From freckles, small patches of facial skin that darken during the summer for some people with pale skin.

"Its been three weeks since school started and I havent heard anything I think she was just freckling me."

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

aka FWB

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FRENDS with BEN-eh-fits

Friends with benefits is the relatively classy way of saying you know someone and care about them and are regularly engaging in sexual acts with them, but not within the context of a relationship. It implies a certain looseness of arrangement. You probably don't see each other as often as a real couple; don't tell each other all the details of your lives; don't put each other down on emergency contact forms (or mention each other on social media profiles). That doesn't mean you're cold, unfeeling robots; it just means a relationship isn't exactly what you want.

"So what are we? Is this a relationship? Or are we just friends?" "I think we're friends... with benefits."

F*CKBUDDIES

aka F*ckfriends

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FUK-buh-deez

Isn't that... basically friends with benefits? Yes, arguably, they're pretty similar. At the same time, though, the use of the F-word in one of the terms (compared to the very euphemistic "benefits" denotes a very different sexual ethos. One is classy, old world, and stuffy; the other is crass, lewd and very present. So, arguably, one is for the type of people who are ashamed of such a sexual arrangement, and one is for people who aren't. Or maybe how you describe your setup depends more on who's asking. Whatever works!

Etymology: F*ck means sex... buddies means friends... should be pretty straightforward.

"I met this great girl. We've been seeing each other a lot... just for sex, though, no dates. We're f*ckbuddies."

GAY

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: GAY

This term is one of the more flexible on the list, but, generally speaking, someone who identifies as gay is exclusively attracted to, or exclusively dates, or exclusively has sex with, people who are the same gender as themselves but it's a term that's been reclaimed by many across the spectrum of sexuality so if you see a queer woman proclaim she's gay despite dating men too, it's not necessarily the contradiction you think it is.

"Carol, would you like to grab coffee with me this weekend?" "Sure, Jim, but as friends. You do know I'm gay, right?"

GENDERFLUID

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: JEN-der-FLOO-id

Can be applied to people who feel outside the gender binary, or it can be applied to persons who feel that their gender isn't fixed, but variable changing from day to day. Unlike nonbinary persons, a genderfluid person might identify as male and female, on different days, whereas a nonbinary person will usually identify as neither male nor female. Someone's gender identity has nothing to do with whom they're attracted to, or what they look like on the outside, or what physical sex they were born as. Gender is a mental conception of the self, so a genderfluid person can present as any gender or appearance, based on how that term feels for them.

Etymology: Gender, as in, your gender. Fluid, as in flowing, non-stable, movable, changeable.

"Hey, could you ask Scout if I could have her number? I need to ask her about this chem assignment." "Hey, buddy, I'll definitely ask for you, but you should know that Scout's not a 'she' they're genderfluid."

GHOSTING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: GO-sting

Ghosting is when you disappear out of someone's life because you're no longer interested in them, instead of telling them directly. It's more abrupt than breadcrumbing: the ghoster will suddenly stop replying to texts and won't answer calls, and the ghostee is usually left hurt and confused.

Etymology: You know the disappearing act ghosts are known for? That, but it's your crush instead of a poltergeist.

"I'm not really feeling Melissa anymore, but she's really into me. I think I'm just gonna ghost her."

HALF-NIGHT STAND

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: HAFF nite STAND

The traditional one-night stand involves meeting a sexually-attractive stranger and taking them home for a night of unattached sex: they leave in the morning and you don't see them again. Well, the half-night stand cuts out the staying over part: the late night guest leaves straight after the sex is over.

Etymology: A half-night stand is 50 per cent of a one-night stand get it?

"Joe was lazy in bed and wouldn't give me head, so I got out of there as soon as he fell asleep. I guess I've had a half-night stand now!"

HAUNTING

aka Zombieing

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: HAWN-ting

Haunting occurs when you think you have finished things with a date that didn't work out or even a serious relationship but then you notice signs that your ex is lurking your social media feeds, eg. they randomly like old Instagram pics or watch your daily stories. Often the notifications are a deliberate attempt to remind you that they exist.

Etymology: This is another supernatural dating metaphor but the meaning is almost the opposite of ghosting: in this case the offender lingers around rather than disappearing.

"Guess who watched my Instagram story today, of all people!? John! He's haunting me, and it's really creepy."

INCEL

aka Virgin

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: IN-sell

Incel is a term that became popular on Reddit to describe men who can't get laid. The term, as a descriptor, is doubly demeaning. Not only is no one attracted to incels, but they also have a stupid name to describe them. Most incel problems could be sorted out by putting in minimal effort into looking better and having more positive interactions with women, but that's none of our business. Incel's slightly less embarrassing cousin is volcel the voluntarily celibate.

Etymology: Incel is a portmanteau of the phrase "involuntarily celibate" someone who's sexually inactive but wishes they could be.

"Ugh, I haven't had sex in almost three years. I'm such an incel."

KITTENFISHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KIT-in-FISH-ing

Coined by dating app Hinge, Kittenfishing is when you portray yourself in an unrealistically positive light in your online dating profiles. We all do this to some extent, but kittenfishing crosses the border into dishonest territory: think photoshopped or very outdated profile pics, or listing "lawyer" as your occupation when you're really a first year law student.

Etymology: You already know about catfishing, when a person pretends to be someone they're not online. Well, kittenfishing is the lite version of that.

"Remember that girl I was messaging on Tinder? Well, we met IRL, and she was definitely kittenfishing."

LEFT ON READ

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LEFT awn RED or LEFT awn REED

You send a text to your crush and wait for their reply, giddy with excitement. Maybe youre asking them out on a date, or maybe youre just trying to start a conversation. Regardless, rather than a reply, you simply get a read receipt. Read at 2:39 p.m. Then nothing. If youre watching the convo like a hawk, you might get the indignity of seeing them start to type a reply and then give up. Its a demoralizing feeling to be left on read. Its also a good reason not to use read receipts.

Etymology: From the phrase read receipt, a notification visible in a chat or text window when a person has seen a message but not responded.

"Is he still leaving you on read? You need to get over him ASAP."

LOCKERING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LAH-ker-ing

If youve ever experienced someone ditching you by claiming theyre studying when in fact theyre just not interested, what you felt was lockering. For high-school sweethearts starting college at separate schools, this could be a prelude to a Thanksgiving breakup, better known as a turkey dump. Since the main feature of lockering is the claim that nothings wrong, theyre just focusing on their studies, it could occur at any point during your time in school.

Etymology: From the word locker, a small, typically locked space for your personal belongings in a large public building such as a school.

"How come youre always studying and you never have time to catch up? Are you lockering me?"

LGBTQ

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ELL-jee-bee-tee-CUE

LGBTQ stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (or questioning), and its an acronym that's used to include the whole of a bunch of different communities of people whose sexualities or gender identities place them outside of the mainstream both historically and today. Some incarnations of the term include groups like intersex people, asexuals; and often the final Q is omitted in popular discourse. Nevertheless, it's a useful term when you're trying to refer to several, often intersecting groups of people at once.

"I love all my LGBTQ friends!"

LOVE BOMBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LUV BOM-ing

Love bombing is when a new partner shows extreme amounts of affection early on and expends serious energy in a deliberate attempt to woo you. However, once you've committed to a relationship with them, the love bomber will withdraw all that affection and let their true, ugly colors shine through, leaving you stuck in a nightmare relationship. This one's really not cute: love bombing is manipulative and abusive.

Etymology: Like its literal counterpart, a love bomb is awesome and spectacular at first, but ultimately very destructive.

"Graeme was so sweet at first, but now he's manipulative and jealous all the time. I guess he love bombed me."

MICROCHEATING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: MY-cro-CHEA-ting

Microcheating is a form of infidelity that stops short of the full-blown, overt cheating that occurs when a person sleeps with someone else behind their partner's back, but is low-level, cumulative dishonesty and infidelity that is intolerable in a committed relationship. Think heavy flirting, tonnes of secrecy, furtive kissy-face emojis and emotional affairs.

Etymology: If you think of cheating behaviors as existing on a scale, these ones are on the more minor end.

"I've never caught Imogen sleeping with anyone else, but she's constantly flirting with other guys and texts everyone except me. In my opinion, she's microcheating."

NETFLIX AND CHILL

Graeme Adams

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: NET-flicks and CHILL

In its original inception, "Netflix and chill" was a euphemism for a stay-at-home date that led to sex pretty quickly. The idea being: You invite your crush over under the premise of "just watching some Netflix and chilling" and then either abandon the movie pretty early or perhaps never even get to it, as hooking up becomes the main attraction.

"How'd it go?" "Well, I invited him over for a little Netflix and chill... you can guess what happened next."

NON-BINARY

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: non-BYE-nuh-ree

A non-binary person isn't cisgender, they are transgender. But not all transgender persons identify as the 'opposite' gender they were born as; in fact, many reject the idea that there are 'opposite' genders at all. A non-binary person may identify as neither male or female, or both male and female, or as a traditional gender to their culture (such as two-spirited or third gender). It's polite to use 'they' as a default pronoun until instructed otherwise if you're unsure about someone's gender. Never assume!

Etymology: The prefix non- is modifying the noun 'binary', nullifying the idea that gender exists as only two options.

"I thought Padraic was trans? Why doesn't Padraic want to be referred to as 'she'?" "Padraic is trans, but they're nonbinary, not femme!"

OPEN RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: OH-pin ruh-LAY-shun-ship

An open relationship is a committed, romantic relationship that contains an arrangement where both parties can sleep with other people. It's not cheating, because both parties are honest with each other and have the same freedom to engage in sex with other people. Open relationships often contain specific rules and boundaries, just like monogamous relationships, but "no sex with anyone else, ever!" isn't one of them.

Etymology: The opposite of a traditional, "closed" relationship, an open relationship relaxes the rules on monogamy.

"I love Max, but I think we'd both benefit from a bit more sexual freedom. I'm thinking of asking him for an open relationship."

ORBITING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation:OR-bih-ting

Unlike with ghosting or zombieing (a term you'll find if you keep scrolling), theres no text, call or other form of communication that initiates anything. In this case, you'll see a notification, get your hopes up, but find they never actually reach out.Just rememeber: if someone really wants to date you, theyd probably make more of an effort than tapping on a like button.

Etymology: Just as the planets revolve around the sun with no direct interaction, this person checks all your social media accounts without ever saying a word.

"Hmm ... watches my Instagram story, likes my photos, reads my DMs, but doesn't respond. Yep, I'm being orbited."

PANSEXUAL

Graeme Adams

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: pan-SEK-shoo-ull

Some people, for whatever reason believe that the term bisexual doesn't apply to them. Maybe they're a woman who's attracted to women, men, and nonbinary people. Or maybe they feel like their sexuality is too fluid for a simpler label. Some people have adopted pansexual because it doesn't reinforce the gender binary through its name.

Etymology: Pan-, meaning all; someone who is attracted to all persons and genders.

"So are you still bisexual?" "Well, ever since my partner transitioned I feel like the word 'pansexual' suits me better, you know?"

PHUBBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: FUH-bing

Ever been hanging out with a date or significant other only to notice theyre paying too much attention to their phone? Thats a case of phubbing. Its a pretty ugly word, but honestly, its a pretty ugly act. With people using technology to stay in constant connection to their friends and followers, it can be easy to forget about the person right in front of you. A consistent phubber is sending a message, intentionally or otherwise, that youre simply not the top priority, their phone is.

Etymology: A combination of phone and snubbing.

"Man, every time me and Mark hang out, hes always on Instagram when Im talking to him. I feel so phubbed."

PIE HUNTING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: PIE HUNT-ing

As you can probably deduce, pie hunting is an unsavory dating phenomenon in which a person (the "hunter") deliberately dates "pies", or heartbroken, vulnerable people with messy dating histories, who are perceived to be easier and lower-maintenance.

Etymology: A "pie" is a person with a disastrous dating history familiar with rejection and heartbreak. It comes from "pied off", British slang for being stood up or dumped.

"Dave only ever dates divorcees. He's a real pie-hunter."

POLYAMOROUS

aka Poly

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: paw-lee-AM-oh-riss

In its various forms, polyamory has been a part of human culture for millennia, particularly in the form of polygamous marriages, but it's enjoying a resurgence in modern dating culture as millennials (children of divorce faced with untold levels of choice) break with monogamous tradition and begin exploring their options. It's not a free-for-all there are still rules, and cheating does exist but consensually dating (and loving) multiple people at once could represent the future of dating.

Etymology: Polyamorous comes from the Greek poly (many) and amor (love), meaning many loves.

"To be honest, Camille and I are thinking of experimenting with being polyamorous."

QUEER

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: KWEER

The word has been reclaimed by those communities as a positive term. 'Queer' is often treated as the 'umbrella' term under which gay men, pansexual non-binary persons, and people experimenting with their sexuality can come together under. It's a term of solidarity to foster community between sexuality-and-gender-diverse persons. Queer is one of the more amorphous terms on this list, and is used by queer persons to describe themselves. So what does it mean? Basically, 'not straight', in any flavor you like, and usually with a slightly more radical edge.

Etymology: Originally meaning 'strange', 'queer' was used for years as a slur against non-normative sexualities.

"Not gay as in happy, but queer as in 'screw off.'"

REDPILL

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: RED-pill

If you decide, once and for all, that women are bad and society is set up in such a way to privilege them over men at every turn, you're completely off your rocker but you've also had a redpill moment. You'll probably want to head to Reddit and swap stories with other incels and MGTOWs about how women are ruining your lives.

Etymology: Redpilling is named for the scene in The Matrix when Morpheus offers Neo the choice between taking a red pill and a blue pill with the red one representing the horrifying truth and the blue, blissful ignorance.

"Yeah, my brother totally got redpilled in his first year at college. Yikes."

ROACHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: ROW-ching

Roaching is a new dating trend where people hide the fact that they're dating around from a new partner and, when confronted, claim to have simply been under the assumption that there was no implication of monogamy to begin with. In today's more poly-friendly dating culture, this is a slick tactic to shift the blame to the person confronting them, but the truth is it's both parties' responsibility to be at least baseline open about seeing other people if that's the case. Roaching, as a result, deeply messed up.

Etymology: Roaching refers to the adage that if you see one cockroach, there are a ton more that you don't see just like this person's sneaky side-dealings.

"So it turned out he'd been seeing like, six other girls the whole time!" "Damn, Tina. You got roached."

SAPIOSEXUAL

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SAY-pee-oh-SEK-shoo-ull

Perhaps most infamous for the time Tinder CEO Sean Rad confused it with the word "sodomy," sapiosexual is a word that's gained increasing currency in recent years. Meaning someone who's turned on by a person's mind rather than physical appearance, it's a neat marriage of style and substance, as only huge nerds would dare self-identify as sapiosexuals. Not to be confused with any of the other sexualities, this isn't a clinical definition of an innate quality, merely a descriptor meant to state a preference.

Etymology: The "sapio" part comes from the Latin word "sapiens," which means "mind."

"What really entices me about a woman... is her mind. Yes, you could call me a sapiosexual."

SEVERAL-NIGHT STAND

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SEV-rull NITE STAND

If the one-night stand was a product of the 20th century's loosening sexual mores, the several-night stand is a distinctly 21st-century invention. For people who care about someone else enough to sleep with them multiple times but not enough to take it past that, it's an arrangement that necessitates the hyper-connectedness and smorgasbrd of choice that our phones now offer us. Your drunken hookup is just a text away; but exclusivity seems foolish when your next drunken hookup might also be just a text away.

"Well, we kept on texting each other 'u up' every evening and it basically turned into a several-night stand."

SEX INTERVIEW

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SECKS INN-tur-vyou

Have you ever had sex with someone before going on a real date with them? Then you've engaged in a sex interview, my friend! Sex researchers (yes, that's a real job) coined the term in 2015 to describe the practice, which is increasingly popular among millennials who are less shy about sex and more interested in weeding out incompatible lovers than so-so conversationalists. If you have high standards for sex, it makes a lot of sense the possibility of developing real intimacy and chemistry with someone only to discover you're nothing alike in bed is a real turn-off of its own.

"So what's the deal with you and Brandon? Is that happening?" "Nah. He's still messaging me, but to be honest, he failed his sex interview."

SITUATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SIT-chew-AY-shun-ship

In use on Black Twitter since at least 2014, a "situationship" is Facebook's "It's Complicated" relationship status come to life. Similar to a casual relationship, a situationship is a sexual relationship that stops short of constituting a serious relationship, but it's not nothing either.

Etymology: It's not a friendship, or a relationship, but something in between: it's a situationship.

"So what's the deal with you and Molly now? Are you together?" "I don't know, man. It's a situationship."

SLOW FADE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: SLOW fade

The slow fade is the process of ending a lackluster relationship or fling by gradually reducing contact and response times. Like a smoother version of breadcrumbing, the person doing the fading will taper off contact, like gradually turning down the volume on a song and starting a new one without anyone noticing.

Etymology: Similar to breadcrumbing, the slow fade is letting someone down gently without actually saying so.

"I want to end things with Lee, but I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I think I'm gonna do the slow fade."

SNACK

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SNAK

A snack is a babe, a honey, a stunner, a smokeshow, a jaw-dropping vision. A snack inspires DM slides and thirsty texts. A snack is a powerful force in the universe whose mere presence can cause those in proximity to them to lose their minds entirely. In short, a snack is someone so attractive, you almost want to eat them right up. Of course, some snacks are SO attractive, you have to call them a full meal. Because let's be real, Beyonc is more than a handful of tortilla chips.

"God damn, did you see that babe who just walked by?" "Yeah, man, that girl was a snack!"

STASHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: STA-shing

"Stashing" is when a person won't introduce the person they're seeing to anyone in their lives, and doesn't mention their existence on social media. The "stashed" partner is kept hidden from view and stashing is a classic move of the commitment-averse.

Etymology: Stashing a partner is hiding them away from public view, like a squirrel stashing nuts in a tree.

"Maria won't introduce me to any of her friends or family. I think I'm being stashed."

STEALTHING

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: STELL-thing

With all the cute names, it's easy to forget sometimes that not all dating trends are created equal. Take stealthing, for example, which is just a form of sexual assault. Named for when guys surreptitiously remove a condom mid-sexual act, enabling them to finish the deed unprotected, stealthing is a horrifying reminder that consent and sexual health education are woefully lacking in modern society.

Etymology:Stealthing is necessarily a sneaky move, since it involvesremoving the condom and keeping it a secret.

"When we started, he was wearing a condom, but halfway through I realized he wasn't!" "Oh my God, he stealthed you?

STRAIGHT

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: STRATE

Straight persons are attracted to, date, or have sex with only members of the 'opposite' gender. Some people might have crushes on the same gender as themselves, but never follow through, and still identify as straight. Sexuality is wild, man!

Etymology: Straight means heterosexual, mostly.

"I'm flattered you'd think to ask me out, Zander, but I'm straight."

SUBMARINING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: sub-muh-REE-ning

Did you just get haunted, or zombied, but it felt even worse than usual? Maybe you were submarined! Submarining is when your old flame pops back up in your life after a lengthy period of silence, but rather than copping to the disappearance, simply acts as if dipping without warning is normal behavior. This person knows they have you wrapped around their finger, so why put in the effort to apologize or explain? They don't need to! If you're getting submarined, pro tip: Get out of there before the whole thing sinks.

Etymology: Submarines go underwater... and the occasionally pop back up to the surface! That's normal behavior for them.

"So after disappearing for two months, she just pops right back up!" "Damn... she submarined you!

SUMMER FLING

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SUM-mer FLING

The counterpart to cuffing season, summer flings are casual relationships that end once the leaves start to turn brown again. Summer flings often start on vacations and end when the other person has to go home, and tend to be of the "short and sweet" variety.

Etymology: This one's not rocket science: a summer fling is a short, informal relationship over the warmer months.

"I had such a good time with Nicole in Cabo but it was definitely just a summer fling."

SWINGER

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SWING-ur

The de facto term for consensually sleeping with someone outside of your marriage while your partner does the same, swinging has lost some cultural currency in recent years as millennials opt for the "poly" lifestyle instead. Still, swinging is alive and well for Gen Xers taking advantage of increasingly liberal sexual mores as society shifts slowly away from the restrictive confines of absolute monogamy and towards something a little bit more flexible.

Etymology: Swingers are people who 'swing' from one sexual partnership (their spouse) to another.

"Yeah, this married couple asked us if we wanted to come to a swingers party with them."'

SWIPING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: SWHY-ping

Swiping, swiping, swiping. For some singles, it might be difficult to conceive of any other way, but it's worth remembering that swiping didn't even really exist before 2012. Unless you've been living under a rock (and if so: congratulations, you lucky duck), you'll know that swiping is the physical interaction you have with your phone (a single finger moves intentionally across a thin piece of glass covering an electronic brain) when deciding whether you're attracted to someone's profile picture or not. From Tinder it spread to Bumble and a few thousand copycat apps. It'll be replaced eventually, but until then, swiping is how we as a culture perform love or at least our aspirations thereto.

"No plans tonight... I'm just going to stay home, re-download Tinder and swipe myself silly."

TEXTLATIONSHIP

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: text-LAY-shun-ship

A textlationship is a flirtatious connection between two people that works on paper but never seems to manifest itself in practice. For whatever reason, the chemistry between two people is just better over texts. It could mean one of the two is playing the other just for the attention, rather than both parties being shy or awkward. Regardless, if the passion is there in the texts but never translates to the streets or the sheets, its a textlationship.

Etymology: A combination of text and relationship.

"Shes always texting me but never wants to actually go on a date or hook up. Honestly, we might just be in a textlationship."

THIRST TRAP

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: THURST trap

In the natural world, spiders have webs, and millennials have thirst traps. They're intentionally sexually provocative pictures posted on social media in order to ensnare hapless scrollers-by. Often, such pictures will draw way more likes than their typical posts, as thirsty people rush to offer their likes as sacrifices to an uncaring god. These can be a great ego boost for the thirst trapper, but the high tends not to last. Then you're back on the timeline, thirst trapping again for your next fix.

Etymology: Thirst is desire, sexual or romantic, that tends to be unreturned; a trap is how you catch unsuspecting victims.

"Damn, did you see Sheila's selfie last night? That outfit was wild!" "Yep, that was a real thirst trap."

THRONING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: thr-OWN-ing

Throning is essentially another form of gold digging that extends beyond wealth. It involves someone using another person for their power and social status, and it's most common when one person in the relationship has significantly less money or influence than their counterpart.

Etymology: When you think of a throne, you think of a crown. That person doing the throning wants that crown.

"Every time we cross that rope, we get inside and suddenly it's like I'm not even there. I feel like I'm just being throned."

TINDSTAGRAMMING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: TIND-stuh-gram-ming

Tindstagramming is the process of contacting someone through Instagram's direct messaging feature after you have seen them on Tinder but not become a match. It's an annoying and generally poorly-received way of bypassing a left-swipe, and women in particular get fatigued by the messages that pile up in their "Other" folder when they link their Instagram account to their Tinder profile.

Etymology: A mashup of "Tinder" and "Instagramming," Tindstagrammers try to make the most of both platforms.

"I have 10 new messages in my Other folder on Instagram! These Tindstagrammers won't leave me alone."

TRANSGENDER

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: trans-JEN-der

At birth, (even before, if you've ever been to a gender reveal party), pretty much all of us are assigned a gender, whether by our doctor, our parents, or society. Transgender or trans persons are those whose actual gender is different from the one they were assigned. Some trans people undergo surgery or take hormones to have their sex characteristics better match their gender, but not everyone does! Transgender, or trans, like queer is often an umbrella for those with diverse genders.

Etymology: Trans-, meaning across or beyond, plus gender

"So I hear Paul's cousin is transgendered now." "Actually, she's just transgender no 'ed' necessary!"

TURKEY DUMP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: TUR-key DUMP

Another seasonal relationship event, turkey dumping is common among college students, many of whom are in long distance relationships with people they knew in high school or from their home towns. The turkey dump happens after one person in the relationship returns back to college after Thanksgiving and realises it's too difficult to keep things going.

Etymology: So-named because it's a breakup that occurs after the Thanksgiving break.

"I had such a good time with Jake while he was home for Thanksgiving, but he broke up with me as soon as he got back to campus. I got turkey dumped."

UNCUFFING SEASON

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: un-CUFF-ing SEE-sun

What sets cuffing season relationships apart from real relationships is the possibility that they came together at a specific time for a specific reason. You could link up with someone in the fall, because as it gets cold, you want something steady and dependable so you arent chasing a bunch of different people all winter. As a corollary, once those conditions fall away, it makes sense that the relationships would, too. The springtime can be considered uncuffing season because its the time for people to break things off with a semi-serious cuff and venture out into a sexy and flirtatious summer.

Etymology: A variant on cuffing season.

"Man, how many couples have broken up in the past few weeks? Is it uncuffing season already?"

VULTURING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: vul-CHUR-ing

Vultures can sense when a relationship is on its last leg. Their moves are selfish, and typically, they're going to do whatever they deem necessary to get what they want: you. Sure, having a bit of hope that your longtime crush will split from their wretched partner and fall for you might not be considered vulturing per se, but taking advantage of. someone in an incredibly weak and vulnerable state? That's a whole other story.

Etymology: Just like a vulture circling its wounded prey, some people swoop in to pick up the pieces out when they sense a relationship is on its last leg.

"Stop vulturing, it's just a rough patch. They'll get through it!"

WATER DROPLETS EMOJI

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: WAH-turr DROP-lits ee-MO-ji

After the eggplant emoji, the water droplets emoji might be the horniest one out there. One notable benefit is that its unisex. Depending on who you are and who youre messaging, the droplets could be semen, female lubrication/ejaculate, or a bit of the comparatively tame (and universal) sex sweat. Regardless, throwing a couple of these into a naughty text message is a good way to visually convey the activities to come if you will.

Etymology: Anyone whos ever made a mess with their sexual fluids will understand.

Cant wait for later tonight. Im gonna make you water droplets emoji all over the place.

ZOMBIEING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: zom-BEE-ing

This is ghosting to. the next level. After losing touch with someone who you'd been talking or seeing, zombieing is when they make a triumphant return as if nothing ever happened.Your zombie may get in touch with you via DM, text or by seeking you out in person. Hearing from someone who totally dipped out on you can bring up some conflicting feelings, but if youre looking for a positive, the situation does have the potential to offer some clarity or closure.

Etymology:A zombie is an undead person coming back from the grave. Need we say more here?

3 months of radio silence after we texted every single day. I can't believe he's zombieing me ... should I answer?

All illustrations by Graeme Adams.

Arplis - News source https://arplis.com/blogs/news/your-comprehensive-guide-to-online-dating-slang

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a-polite-melody · 7 years

Text

Okay, so I’ve been thinking about this more, and really it’s incredible that anyone could even for a second believe that the “discourse” is supposed to be “only about the cishets” because there’s damage being done to so many groups of LGBT+ people who aren’t exclusionists’ claimed target.

The supposed target of the “discourse”:

Cis het-attracted aspecs (ie. cis heteroromantic asexuals and cis aromantic heterosexuals), or as exclusionists put it, “the cishets”.

Other groups harmed in some way or capacity because of the “discourse”:

(Feel free to add other groups or add points to what I have here if I’ve forgotten something or not thought of something!)

Cis Aromantic Asexual People

Someone who is both aromantic and asexual is in no way het-attracted, so they are not cishet. To make the claim that they are also cishet, you would need to assume that het-attraction is the default, and therefore someone who feels no attraction is just a variation on the het default. This perpetuates heteronormativity.

Also, a lot of the stuff from the next section applies to cis aromantic asexual people.

Aromantic and Asexual People Who are Not Cis, Not Het-Attracted, or Both (ie. Otherwise LGBT+ Aspecs)

There are a number of ways these groups are harmed.

1. The aspec part of their identity is treated as being not important. A fantastic example of this is the exclusionist statement that aspec orientations are modifiers onto whatever other orientation a person has. Aspec people are told by things like this that they shouldn’t be prioritizing their aspec orientation. That it’s something about them that isn’t important to the overall scheme of things. The only part that’s important is their other orientation. And if someone is trans or nb and aroace, they are told their orientation isn’t important at all, the only important thing is their gender.

2. Aspec resources, programs, initiatives, etc. would be taken out of LGBT+ spaces. Most LGBT+ spaces have, for years, had resources and spaces dedicated to asexuality (and to a lesser degree aromanticism). By trying to exclude cis het-attracted asexual and aromantic people, you’re saying that the asexual and aromantic parts are not part of the LGBT+ community and shouldn’t have these resources, spaces, etc. You are taking away what aspec people have already in place within the LGBT+ community - things that have been in place for years with no controversy at all - and saying they weren’t there in the first place and if they were they were put there by force.

3. The aspec part of their identity is treated as being dirty, shameful, or an adult topic. So, of course there’s the ever brought up “being aspec is TMI and should only be talked about with a partner”. Since that one is brought up so often, I’m going to talk about some other things. Asexuality: People have made claims that acespec people are simply people who “just don’t want to fuck”. There are claims that an acespec person who feels sexual drive or libido isn’t really acespec. Or that someone who is hypersexual due to trauma can’t be acespec. This is taken even further to claim that asexual and acespec people can’t consent to sex. Aromanticism: People have made claims that arospec people are simply people who “fuck and don’t call the next day”. Arospec people are portrayed as sexual opportunists and even as sexual predators because they don’t feel romantic attraction though some feel sexual attraction.

4. Having their gender or orientation invalidated and/or erased.

Many people who are not cis, not het, or aren’t either of these things have been called cishet by exclusonists. This is really a point for every single section on this post, but to avoid some redundancy I’m only going to put it here.

People Who Identify Their Orientation and/or Gender as Queer

The point that queer is still used a slur and thus shouldn’t be pushed onto people against their will is a good point, however it’s been extended beyond that to extremes that are harmful.

1. Continually telling people not to push queer onto people when they make a post about their own community or own identity.

We get it. We aren’t doing that in these posts. Let us talk about being queer.

2. Claiming that people shouldn’t be calling themselves queer in the first place.

Queer was reclaimed by many people decades ago. Those of us who are comfortable reclaiming the word are keeping it for ourselves and taking pride in the fact that the community historically worked hard to largely reclaim queer.

This also ignores that in much of the rest of the world outside North America, queer is often the most common way for LGBT+ people to refer to themselves and their community.

Multispec People

Again, this is going to require a numbered list.

1. The assertion that the community is for SGA and trans people.

This claim invalidates multispec people who aren’t SGA. Even if these people would be included because of their gender, these people shouldn’t have their orientation invalidated in order to create a talking point for the “discourse”.

2. The assertion that the community is only for fighting homophobia and transphobia.

This claim invalidates biphobia and other multispec antagonism as being their own distinct problems. They are not a subset of homophobia. There are specific issues that multispec people face for being multispec. People who may be accepting of gay and lesbian people, or who may be gay or lesbian themselves often perpetuate multispec antagonism. My family is a shining example of this. I constantly am bombarded with, “but you’re actually straight!” AND, “but you’re actually gay!” depending on who I’m with or currently attracted to. My family is extremely accepting of gay and lesbian people, but tell me that bi people aren’t real and don’t exist. That’s not at all a subset of homophobia.

3. The claim that the acronym has only ever been LGBT, and that’s it.

While many exclusionists have moved on from this acronym to LGBTPN, there are still some people who stand behind “just LGBT”, which is exclusionary of pan and ply people. To shove these orientations under the B would be incorrect, as they are not subsets of bi. They are their own orientations. If the acronym was LGMT, where M stood for multispec, then you could lump pan and ply with bi because multispec is inclusive of all of these. Also, even in LGBTPN, people who identify as omni are still excluded.

4. The new “discourse” claim that bisexual people were never the targets of an exclusionary movement.

I have a whole post on this.

5. The use of talking points from bi discourse.

Topics of passing privilege are brought up in this “discourse”, which was a talking point used against bi people with an “opposite” gender partner back in the bi discourse. Seeing this rhetoric brought back up again is not only hurting us just from having to see it again, but it gives legitimacy to those original arguments biphobes used against us, which puts us at risk of being targeted by these people again and having new people rally behind them.

Transgender People

Here’s another list. This is the start point of where I know I’m going to leave out things because I have no experience being trans, or any of the identities further down on the list.

1. The new “discourse” claim that transgender people were never the targets of an exclusionary movement.

I have a whole post on this - same as the one under 4 on the multispec list.

2. The use of TERF rhetoric.

Similarly to how having talking points from bi discourse come up harms bi and other multispec people, having TERF rhetoric come up can be traumatic to trans people who have had it used against them, and adds legitimacy to the arguments, meaning that new TERFs, TERF supporters, and TERF and sympathizers are being made.

3. Having “cishet” become a dogwhistle which is no longer useful.

I try hard not to use cishet as a term too much beyond when I make a post directly about another post I saw and want to use similar wording, or when I quote from exclusionist rhetoric. The reason I go to these lengths is because trans and nonbinary people have been talking about how cis exclusionists using cishet to refer to “cishet aspecs” sounds like (and sometimes is) a way for them to distance themselves from their cis privilege. It also is thrown around so often that people tend to roll their eyes or pay no attention to the term cishet any longer because of how frequently and incorrectly it’s used.

I try not to do the same because trans people should be able to have their own language that is helpful for them, and I don’t want to devalue it. If I slip up, please let me know.

This point is also relevant to the next section.

Nonbinary People

Another list, and another thing I am not, so I absolutely encourage corrections and additions here too.

1. The assertion that the community is for SGA and trans people.

This claim invalidates nonbinary people who don’t consider themselves trans.

2. The assertion that the community is only for fighting homophobia and transphobia.

This claim invalidates exorsexism as it’s own thing. Exorsexism isn’t just a subset of transphobia. There are binary trans people who are truscum/transmedicalists who perpetuate exorsexism.

3. The claim that the acronym has only ever been LGBT, and that’s it.

While many exclusionists have moved on from this acronym to LGBTPN, there are still some people who stand behind “just LGBT”, which is exclusionary of any nonbinary people who don’t consider themeslves to be trans. Forcing them to be lumped under the T is disrespectful to their orientation.

Intersex People

There are exclusionists who have been claiming that, since there are cis, het-attracted intersex people, that the LGBT+ shouldn’t include intersex people, similarly to how they try to exclude aspec people. They claim that intersex people have come to a consensus that they don’t want to be included anyway, which is untrue. There are intersex people who don’t want to be included. There are intersex people who do. We shouldn’t be closing off our spaces to intersex people who do want a place here.

Questioning People

I made a post about this earlier today.

Basically, there’s no way to even begin to claim that the “discourse” is only about “the cishets”. It isn’t. You’re affecting and hurting many, many people - beyond just cis, het-attracted aspecs. Pretty much every member of the LGBT+ community that doesn’t subscribe to exclusion is harmed. You aren’t fooling me, and I don’t think you’re fooling too many other people by claiming “it’s only about the cishets” either.

#ace discourse #long post #my post #the mess

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tumblunni · 7 years

Text

Actually why have we never had an ‘all male race’ where all of them have uteruses?

Like seriously, biologically in the real world its infinately more likely for a ‘one gender race’ to be all of the female sex, or all hermaphrodites or capable of asexual reproduction. SOME sort of reproduction. And as humans we’d probably define any creature with that function as “the female”, but why would they necessarily see themselves that way? We have nothing to use as reference to imagine this situation, since we can’t talk to animals and ask how they conceptualize their own genders socially. And its not like dividing them by sex works perfectly all the time, there are many species that simply do not have ‘male or female’, but instead ‘three fertilizing sexes and one that gives birth’ or ‘one that fertilizes and one that gives birth but they both have a penis’ or ‘one that fertilizes and one that makes the egg but then the egg is injected into the fertilizer who carries it in a form of pregnancy even though most fish don’t friggin do that, seriously wtf is a fuckin seahorse’

So like.. if all of fantasy has fuckin hard-on for the idea of an ‘all male race’ which literally cannot exist in real life, why not instead define it as a race that only has the male identity regardless of how they reproduce? ...and I mean DONT do the cliche of “they don’t have a physical sex yet theyre all male instead of nonbinary simply because we dont aknowledge the nonbinar identity/we believe male is the default state of a human being somehow even though literally we have proof that all embryos begin as biologically female in the earliest stage of defevopment”

man im going off on a lot of tangeants here actually ALSO wouldnt it be interesting to have a race of creatures who have two biological sexes yet still only one gender, or no concept of societal gender roles at all? or even just like ‘yeah we call those two things male and female but we dont assign any greater meaning to it outside of sex’. just a cool fictional culture that has no stereotypes, like a goal of what we might be someday, i guess.

also it would be cool to see a fictional culture based on those animal species that have multiple distinct biological variations for a single sex. like there’s literally a bird that has three genders, even if only two sets of genitals. There’s two biologically distinct variations of male with different plumeage colour, size and ability. One is like super buff and one is super tiny, and then they tend to mate in trios. And of course there’s bees and other ‘queen type’ insects where there’s huuuuuge variety of different sized and shaped ladies who specialize in different aspects of keeping this massive communal living space working. And I’d even say that honestly they have three sexes, not just multiple groups within the same sexes. Most of the females are born infertile and just serve as different worker types, the queens aren’t just female but are also the only females capable of actually breeding. I’d say in this species the two are separate enough to hardly even be classified as both simply “female”. and then there’s stuff like clownfish where being female is actually a job type rather than a sex, really?? like they can literally biologically transition, as a normal part of their life cycle. they all start off male and kinda have a bee-esque queen who secretes pheromones that stops anyone else from turning female. and then when she dies whichever of the males wins the fight to become female first will take the new role as the queen. TRANSITION GLADITORIAL COMBAT! the animal kingdom is SO WEIRD! I mean seriously imagine that in human terms, you have a whole kingdom of dudes and the queen is like “yo literally everyone is legally required to fuck me whenever i want” and also everybody is each other’s brother. And then at the funeral you all grab your swords and race towards a HRT doctor who only has room for one patient. And then you come out of the hospital like “haha, finally, I’m able to fuck all my own brothers now! the highest honor in all the kingdom!” ....actually please nobody make this one particular thing into a story, that sounds a bit much.

#blunni thoughts

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august1501 · 5 years

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some definitions i get asked about a lot

Many people are trying to be LGBTQI allies in today’s increasingly progressive society, but there are a lot of things that are not discussed often or are consistently misunderstood. I personally have gotten many questions around some common terminology while explaining my leadership quest and its elements, as well as throughout my life. Here is a short but comprehensive list of some key terms that everyone should understand (taken from ABC news)

Bisexual: The word "bi", meaning "two", speaks of a person's attraction to two genders. Bisexuality is unrelated to a person's own gender or promiscuity, it simply means they feel attraction to men and women.

Transgender: The word "trans" is Latin for "cross". Transgender people are people whose gender identities are different to the gender they were assigned at birth. In our medical system, most babies born are categorised as male or female based on their physical characteristics (genitals, hormones, etc.).

For many people, however, the gender they were assigned is not the identity that actually exists within them - though they are not "broken", "mismatched" or strange.

The term "transition" can describe a process that transgender people undergo in order to live their lives more fully as themselves. Transition does not necessarily have an end point, and there are many reasons why transgender people choose to include hormones or surgical procedures in the process, or not choose those things.

Importantly, trans people have no obligation to explain why they've made the decisions they have. Questions about their bodies are among the countless acts of aggression and violence faced by trans Australians every day.

Queer: The word queer is still a contentious word, originating as a threatening label for gender and sexuality diverse people. Its origins squirm all the way back through English and Scottish, always meaning something "not straight". By the 1980s, the AIDS epidemic brought the issue of homophobia irrevocably to the fore.

One of the first groups to flip the meaning of queer and reclaim it were four gay men from ACT-UP (an organisation for gay men's health), who named themselves Queer Nation.

Since then, the word has somersaulted through radical communities and academia alike. Now queer is not just an umbrella term for sexuality and gender diverse people - it is a proclamation of fearless difference, a self-identifying commitment to counter culture.

Intersex: Intersex people have genital, chromosomal or other physical characteristics that don't fall into what is typically labelled as male or female.

To be intersex has long been the butt of the great gender joke, stigmatised and all grouped under the term "hermaphrodites" or sidelined and assigned a single gender. There are many variations within humans' biological makeup that are intersex - more than most people realise.

As intersex refers to biology, it does not describe a person's sexual or gender orientation. As Safe Schools Coalition explains, "intersex is often associated with a medical diagnosis of disorders, or differences of sex development (DSD). Some intersex individuals may prefer to be described as a 'person with an intersex variation' or be identified by their specific variation."

Asexual: Asexuality is the absence of sexual attraction. It is just as varied as any other identity, and not every asexual person has the same desires: some asexual people are in romantic relationships where sometimes they desire sex, and some are in romantic relationships where they never desire sex, and some are not in romantic relationships at all.

Asexuality is rarely ever spoken about or represented in our society, which tends to focus on heterosexuality foremost. Indeed, sexuality pervades nearly every aspect of the public sphere - advertising, popular culture, the mainstream media - and the way we talk about healthy relationships.

Asexuality is even underrepresented in the queer world; but perhaps losing the emphasis we put on sex as a marker of a person's ability to relate to others would be beneficial for us all.

Gender fluidity/gender diversity: Many gender identities exist outside of masculine and feminine. Sex refers to a person's biological characteristics, while gender is a person's identity (who they feel they are inside) and the mix of those things can mean a person may identify as male, female, both or neither.

Gender diversity includes people who identify as transgender, genderfluid, intersex, gender questioning and genderqueer people. Gender diverse people do not owe an explanation for who they are, how they feel or how they look.

People who identify as genderfluid live between, above, behind, around gender. Some genderfluid people feel very masculine on some days, and feminine on others, while some live free from definition entirely. Genderfluidity, and gender diversity, is natural and unique to every individual.

Cisgender: This is a term used to describe people who identify with the gender they were assigned at birth, for example, a person born with male genitals who identifies as a man is cisgender. Almost all public figures, advertising and mainstream media content represents the cisgender population.

Sexual fluidity: Living a sexually fluid life means embracing the notion that desire and sexuality can be organic, growing and changing with a person. Each individual's experience of sexual fluidity is different from the next - some people's sexuality can change from day to day, year to year, relationship to relationship.

Those who are sexually fluid may also use other labels to describe themselves, and those labels may change over time.

Pansexual: "Pan", meaning "all-inclusive", is an expression for a person's attraction to multiple genders. Some pansexual people describe their attraction as being based on chemistry rather than gender, but everyone is different.

Like bisexuality, there are a lot of misconceptions about polysexual people (people who feel attraction to more than one gender).

Heterosexism: The root of heterosexism is a normative attitude to gender, sexuality and identity in society. Heterosexism describes the assumption that heterosexuality (romantic or sexual attraction between people of opposite sex or gender) is the default, and that non-normative bodies and attraction are strange and wrong.

Transphobia: Tragically, transphobia is both the specific hatred and fear of transgender people, and is felt by many people with non-normative bodies, identities and relationships.

It manifests as violence against trans and gender diverse people, whether it be physical, verbal or emotional. Transphobia is rife in Australia, and the rest of the world.

#ref #original

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brandynewgradstudent-blog · 7 years

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A full list of everything I know about my sexual identity

nothing

seriously, if anyone knows, clue me in

More seriously: I figure I’m some kind of variety of queer? As in, let’s choose the most general label possible because I really haven’t found anything more specific that fits.

I am not usually sexually attracted to other people. That said, I do occasionally experience sexual attraction, so I don’t feel that ‘asexual’ fits. I also have no problem with romantic relationships that involve sex, and still consider that my ‘default’ type of romantic/SO relationship. (It’s more due to lack of wanting to avoid sexual relationships than out of specific desire to include sex in relationships, but like, it’s still part of how ‘asexual’ doesn’t feel like a particularly apt label for me.) I think I could theoretically fit under the gray-ace umbrella, possibly in the demisexual variation specifically (emotional intimacy is absolutely a prerequisite for me to even consider whether I’d have sex with someone, much less decide to do so). But they’re not very comfortable labels for me--they feel like a t-shirt that yeah, I can cram my body into it, but it doesn’t fit right, it’s too tight and I can’t move properly. So I don’t use them.

When I am attracted to people, it doesn’t seem to matter what their gender identity is? Like, I’m not not-attracted to women (but I’m also not usually attracted to women, because I’m not usually attracted to people). Same goes for men, non-binary people, etc. The smatterings of sexual attraction I’ve gotten don’t care. So I could probably theoretically fit in the labels bisexual or pansexual, but...once again, they don’t feel like comfortable labels for me. It’s hard to associate myself with communities surrounding these labels, because most of the people in those communities still have very different experiences of sexuality than I do. The t-shirt still doesn’t fit right. So I mostly don’t use them either.

Basically all I’ve got is, I’m fairly certain I’m not straight. And the only reason I’m remotely sure of that is because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t still be angsting over this in my late 20s if I fit the cultural norm.

My usual response to people asking is just “Who the heck knows,” which generally gets a laugh and also isn’t something most people feel the need to pursue further. If I have to pick a label for some reason, I often stick to ‘queer’ which, as I said above, is an umbrella identity. People don’t generally assume it means any single particular thing beyond ‘in some way not straight and/or not cis’. There’s a lot of flexibility in that; it’s more comfortable to not try and squeeze myself into a bunch of specific words that don’t fit right.

(I know some people like to use specific words and just use several different ones to define different aspects of their identity. More power to you if that works for you! Using a very general term works better for me.)

I will sometimes use more specific labels in specific contexts where they make sense. For example, if someone is talking about the experience of being a woman who experiences attraction to women, I’m ok with calling myself bisexual in that conversation, because in the context of that specific conversation, that’s the relevant part of my identity. I want to be specific enough to make my perspective clear, and the ways it doesn’t fit aren’t relevant in the moment. The result of that has been that in a sense I feel like my identity is fluid between different contexts and different moments. Which on the one hand is actually pretty accurate to how I experience it...but on the other hand makes it hard to identify with a community, because I don’t have a clear sense of static identity on this.

The good news is, mostly this isn’t a problem in daily life! Who the heck has time for dating anyways? There are books to be read. So many wonderful books.

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arplis · 4 years

Text

Arplis - News: Your Comprehensive Guide to Online Dating Slang

Internet Dating Slang Terms You Need to Know in 2020

RELATED:All the Sex Slang You Need to Know

If you find yourself in the latter category, this gigantic glossary of 61dating terms is for you.

AROMANTIC

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: ay-ro-MAN-tick

Etymology: The "a-" prefix roughly translates to "without;" "romantic," here, means capable of having feelings of romantic love

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't... fall in love." "You're not broken maybe you're just aromantic!"

ASEXUAL

aka Ace

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ay-SEK-shoo-UL

Etymology: Knowing that "a-" means "without," I'm sure I don't need to tell you what "sexual" means.

"Patrick, are you dating Scott? I thought he was asexual, not gay." "Scott's asexual and likes boys! It ain't mutually exclusive."

BENCHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BENCH-ing

Etymology: You know when you're on a sports team but not actually playing, just waiting on the bench until the coach needs you? Yeah, it's the dating version of that.

"Rachel only ever seems to text me after I've given up on hearing from her. She's definitely benching me."

BIG DICK ENERGY

Dating / Identity

Pronunciation: BIG dick EH-nur-JEE

Damn, look at that guy over there. Hes totally exuding big dick energy.

BISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: by-SEK-shoo-ULL

Etymology: A bisexual person is like a bicycle; both share the prefix bi, which means two.

"Mike, why do you call yourself bisexual? You've only ever dated women." "That's true, but I just haven't met a guy I wanted to call my boyfriend yet."

BREADCRUMBING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: BREAD-crum-ing

Etymology: Think of the phenomenon of getting a small creature to follow you by laying a trail of breadcrumbs here, and you've got the right idea.

"Rene replies to every second or third message I send her but never wants to meet IRL. I think she's breadcrumbing me."

CASUAL RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KAZH-oo-ull ruh-LAY-shun-ship

Etymology: This one's pretty straightforward in meaning: it's a romantic relationship that's not too serious or committed.

"I have a friends with benefits type thing going on with Emily, you know? It's a casual relationship."

CATFISHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KAT-fish-ing

Etymology: The term gained popularity after the release of the 2010 documentary on the then-burgeoning phenomenon, Catfish, but the real reason for the name is harder to come by.

"She always has a different excuse not to meet up with me." "Sounds you're being catfished..."

CISGENDER

aka Cis

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: siss-JENN-der

Etymology: From cis-, meaning literally 'on this side of' in mathematics and organic chemistry.

"So what's the opposite of trans, then? Normal?" "Well, no, it's not that simple. But the term you're looking for is 'cis'."

CUFFING SEASON

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: KUFF-ing SEE-zun

Etymology: Cuffing, as in "handcuffing", because you're chaining yourself to someone else at least until winter's over.

"Starbucks just brought back the pumpkin spice latte, it must be cuffing season!"

CURVE

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: KURV

"I tried to ask out this babe at the bar last night and she curved me harder than I've ever been curved in my life."

CUSHIONING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KUSH-on-ing

Etymology: Cushioning, as in, keeping a person or several people around to "cushion" the blow if your main relationship doesn't work out.

"I do really like Priya, but I'm still texting Sian just in case. Yeah, I guess I'm cushioning."

DADDY

Dating / Identity

Pronunciation: DAH-dee

Etymology: From the word daddy, meaning father.

She keeps on texting me, choke me daddy. What the hell does that mean?

DEMISEXUAL

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: DEH-mee-SEK-shoo-ULL

Etymology: Demi means half, or part positioning demisexuals between asexuals and people who do typically experience sexual desire.

"At first I thought I was asexual, but then I realized I can have sexual desire for people... just not until I really know them!" "Sounds like you might be demisexual."

DM SLIDE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: DEE-em slide

Etymology: DM stands for "direct messages", and "sliding" is the process of entering someone's direct messages to flirt with them.

"Brandy just posted a selfie and she's looking hot AF! I'm about to slide in the DMs."

DTR CONVERSATION

aka DTR, DTR Convo

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: dee-tee-ARE con-ver-SAY-shun

Etymology: There's no great mystery here DTR simply stands for "define the relationship."

"It's been six months and I just don't know what we are yet?" "Well have you had a DTR convo with him?

EGGPLANT EMOJI

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: EGG-plant ee-MO-ji

Etymology: People just noticed that the eggplant emoji was phallic-looking. The rest is history.

"Wow, did you see that bulge? Man, I'd love to see his eggplant emoji, if you know what I mean."

EMERGENCY CALL

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: eh-MUR-jun-see KOL

"Oh, God, thanks for agreeing to be my emergency call last night. What a nightmare date that was."

FIREDOORING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: FIE-er DOH-ring

Etymology: A fire door is a one-way door it allows you to exit (on rare occasions) but never allows anyone to enter.

"She never responds to my messages, but texts me 'u up' at 1 a.m.? What's the deal?" "Sounds like you're getting firedoored, bud."

FRECKLING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: FRECK-uh-ling

Etymology: From freckles, small patches of facial skin that darken during the summer for some people with pale skin.

"Its been three weeks since school started and I havent heard anything I think she was just freckling me."

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

aka FWB

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FRENDS with BEN-eh-fits

"So what are we? Is this a relationship? Or are we just friends?" "I think we're friends... with benefits."

F*CKBUDDIES

aka F*ckfriends

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: FUK-buh-deez

Etymology: F*ck means sex... buddies means friends... should be pretty straightforward.

"I met this great girl. We've been seeing each other a lot... just for sex, though, no dates. We're f*ckbuddies."

GAY

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: GAY

"Carol, would you like to grab coffee with me this weekend?" "Sure, Jim, but as friends. You do know I'm gay, right?"

GENDERFLUID

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: JEN-der-FLOO-id

Etymology: Gender, as in, your gender. Fluid, as in flowing, non-stable, movable, changeable.

GHOSTING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: GO-sting

Etymology: You know the disappearing act ghosts are known for? That, but it's your crush instead of a poltergeist.

"I'm not really feeling Melissa anymore, but she's really into me. I think I'm just gonna ghost her."

HALF-NIGHT STAND

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: HAFF nite STAND

Etymology: A half-night stand is 50 per cent of a one-night stand get it?

"Joe was lazy in bed and wouldn't give me head, so I got out of there as soon as he fell asleep. I guess I've had a half-night stand now!"

HAUNTING

aka Zombieing

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: HAWN-ting

Etymology: This is another supernatural dating metaphor but the meaning is almost the opposite of ghosting: in this case the offender lingers around rather than disappearing.

"Guess who watched my Instagram story today, of all people!? John! He's haunting me, and it's really creepy."

INCEL

aka Virgin

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: IN-sell

Etymology: Incel is a portmanteau of the phrase "involuntarily celibate" someone who's sexually inactive but wishes they could be.

"Ugh, I haven't had sex in almost three years. I'm such an incel."

KITTENFISHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: KIT-in-FISH-ing

Etymology: You already know about catfishing, when a person pretends to be someone they're not online. Well, kittenfishing is the lite version of that.

"Remember that girl I was messaging on Tinder? Well, we met IRL, and she was definitely kittenfishing."

LEFT ON READ

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LEFT awn RED or LEFT awn REED

Etymology: From the phrase read receipt, a notification visible in a chat or text window when a person has seen a message but not responded.

"Is he still leaving you on read? You need to get over him ASAP."

LOCKERING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LAH-ker-ing

Etymology: From the word locker, a small, typically locked space for your personal belongings in a large public building such as a school.

"How come youre always studying and you never have time to catch up? Are you lockering me?"

LGBTQ

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: ELL-jee-bee-tee-CUE

"I love all my LGBTQ friends!"

LOVE BOMBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: LUV BOM-ing

Etymology: Like its literal counterpart, a love bomb is awesome and spectacular at first, but ultimately very destructive.

"Graeme was so sweet at first, but now he's manipulative and jealous all the time. I guess he love bombed me."

MICROCHEATING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: MY-cro-CHEA-ting

Etymology: If you think of cheating behaviors as existing on a scale, these ones are on the more minor end.

"I've never caught Imogen sleeping with anyone else, but she's constantly flirting with other guys and texts everyone except me. In my opinion, she's microcheating."

NETFLIX AND CHILL

Graeme Adams

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: NET-flicks and CHILL

"How'd it go?" "Well, I invited him over for a little Netflix and chill... you can guess what happened next."

NON-BINARY

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: non-BYE-nuh-ree

Etymology: The prefix non- is modifying the noun 'binary', nullifying the idea that gender exists as only two options.

"I thought Padraic was trans? Why doesn't Padraic want to be referred to as 'she'?" "Padraic is trans, but they're nonbinary, not femme!"

OPEN RELATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: OH-pin ruh-LAY-shun-ship

Etymology: The opposite of a traditional, "closed" relationship, an open relationship relaxes the rules on monogamy.

"I love Max, but I think we'd both benefit from a bit more sexual freedom. I'm thinking of asking him for an open relationship."

ORBITING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation:OR-bih-ting

Etymology: Just as the planets revolve around the sun with no direct interaction, this person checks all your social media accounts without ever saying a word.

"Hmm ... watches my Instagram story, likes my photos, reads my DMs, but doesn't respond. Yep, I'm being orbited."

PANSEXUAL

Graeme Adams

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: pan-SEK-shoo-ull

Etymology: Pan-, meaning all; someone who is attracted to all persons and genders.

"So are you still bisexual?" "Well, ever since my partner transitioned I feel like the word 'pansexual' suits me better, you know?"

PHUBBING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: FUH-bing

Etymology: A combination of phone and snubbing.

"Man, every time me and Mark hang out, hes always on Instagram when Im talking to him. I feel so phubbed."

PIE HUNTING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: PIE HUNT-ing

Etymology: A "pie" is a person with a disastrous dating history familiar with rejection and heartbreak. It comes from "pied off", British slang for being stood up or dumped.

"Dave only ever dates divorcees. He's a real pie-hunter."

POLYAMOROUS

aka Poly

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: paw-lee-AM-oh-riss

Etymology: Polyamorous comes from the Greek poly (many) and amor (love), meaning many loves.

"To be honest, Camille and I are thinking of experimenting with being polyamorous."

QUEER

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: KWEER

Etymology: Originally meaning 'strange', 'queer' was used for years as a slur against non-normative sexualities.

"Not gay as in happy, but queer as in 'screw off.'"

REDPILL

Identity / Celibacy

Pronunciation: RED-pill

"Yeah, my brother totally got redpilled in his first year at college. Yikes."

ROACHING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: ROW-ching

Etymology: Roaching refers to the adage that if you see one cockroach, there are a ton more that you don't see just like this person's sneaky side-dealings.

"So it turned out he'd been seeing like, six other girls the whole time!" "Damn, Tina. You got roached."

SAPIOSEXUAL

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SAY-pee-oh-SEK-shoo-ull

Etymology: The "sapio" part comes from the Latin word "sapiens," which means "mind."

"What really entices me about a woman... is her mind. Yes, you could call me a sapiosexual."

SEVERAL-NIGHT STAND

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SEV-rull NITE STAND

"Well, we kept on texting each other 'u up' every evening and it basically turned into a several-night stand."

SEX INTERVIEW

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: SECKS INN-tur-vyou

"So what's the deal with you and Brandon? Is that happening?" "Nah. He's still messaging me, but to be honest, he failed his sex interview."

SITUATIONSHIP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SIT-chew-AY-shun-ship

Etymology: It's not a friendship, or a relationship, but something in between: it's a situationship.

"So what's the deal with you and Molly now? Are you together?" "I don't know, man. It's a situationship."

SLOW FADE

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: SLOW fade

Etymology: Similar to breadcrumbing, the slow fade is letting someone down gently without actually saying so.

"I want to end things with Lee, but I can't stand the idea of hurting him. I think I'm gonna do the slow fade."

SNACK

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SNAK

"God damn, did you see that babe who just walked by?" "Yeah, man, that girl was a snack!"

STASHING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: STA-shing

Etymology: Stashing a partner is hiding them away from public view, like a squirrel stashing nuts in a tree.

"Maria won't introduce me to any of her friends or family. I think I'm being stashed."

STEALTHING

Sex / Trend

Pronunciation: STELL-thing

Etymology:Stealthing is necessarily a sneaky move, since it involvesremoving the condom and keeping it a secret.

"When we started, he was wearing a condom, but halfway through I realized he wasn't!" "Oh my God, he stealthed you?

STRAIGHT

Identity / Sexuality

Pronunciation: STRATE

Etymology: Straight means heterosexual, mostly.

"I'm flattered you'd think to ask me out, Zander, but I'm straight."

SUBMARINING

Graeme Adams

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: sub-muh-REE-ning

Etymology: Submarines go underwater... and the occasionally pop back up to the surface! That's normal behavior for them.

"So after disappearing for two months, she just pops right back up!" "Damn... she submarined you!

SUMMER FLING

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: SUM-mer FLING

Etymology: This one's not rocket science: a summer fling is a short, informal relationship over the warmer months.

"I had such a good time with Nicole in Cabo but it was definitely just a summer fling."

SWINGER

Identity / Dating

Pronunciation: SWING-ur

Etymology: Swingers are people who 'swing' from one sexual partnership (their spouse) to another.

"Yeah, this married couple asked us if we wanted to come to a swingers party with them."'

SWIPING

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: SWHY-ping

"No plans tonight... I'm just going to stay home, re-download Tinder and swipe myself silly."

TEXTLATIONSHIP

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: text-LAY-shun-ship

Etymology: A combination of text and relationship.

"Shes always texting me but never wants to actually go on a date or hook up. Honestly, we might just be in a textlationship."

THIRST TRAP

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: THURST trap

Etymology: Thirst is desire, sexual or romantic, that tends to be unreturned; a trap is how you catch unsuspecting victims.

"Damn, did you see Sheila's selfie last night? That outfit was wild!" "Yep, that was a real thirst trap."

THRONING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: thr-OWN-ing

Etymology: When you think of a throne, you think of a crown. That person doing the throning wants that crown.

"Every time we cross that rope, we get inside and suddenly it's like I'm not even there. I feel like I'm just being throned."

TINDSTAGRAMMING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: TIND-stuh-gram-ming

Etymology: A mashup of "Tinder" and "Instagramming," Tindstagrammers try to make the most of both platforms.

"I have 10 new messages in my Other folder on Instagram! These Tindstagrammers won't leave me alone."

TRANSGENDER

Identity / Gender

Pronunciation: trans-JEN-der

Etymology: Trans-, meaning across or beyond, plus gender

"So I hear Paul's cousin is transgendered now." "Actually, she's just transgender no 'ed' necessary!"

TURKEY DUMP

Dating / Type

Pronunciation: TUR-key DUMP

Etymology: So-named because it's a breakup that occurs after the Thanksgiving break.

"I had such a good time with Jake while he was home for Thanksgiving, but he broke up with me as soon as he got back to campus. I got turkey dumped."

UNCUFFING SEASON

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: un-CUFF-ing SEE-sun

Etymology: A variant on cuffing season.

"Man, how many couples have broken up in the past few weeks? Is it uncuffing season already?"

VULTURING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: vul-CHUR-ing

Etymology: Just like a vulture circling its wounded prey, some people swoop in to pick up the pieces out when they sense a relationship is on its last leg.

"Stop vulturing, it's just a rough patch. They'll get through it!"

WATER DROPLETS EMOJI

Dating / Trend

Pronunciation: WAH-turr DROP-lits ee-MO-ji

Etymology: Anyone whos ever made a mess with their sexual fluids will understand.

Cant wait for later tonight. Im gonna make you water droplets emoji all over the place.

ZOMBIEING

Dating / Move

Pronunciation: zom-BEE-ing

Etymology:A zombie is an undead person coming back from the grave. Need we say more here?

3 months of radio silence after we texted every single day. I can't believe he's zombieing me ... should I answer?

All illustrations by Graeme Adams.

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