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oreoambitions · 4 years

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If this is too personal please feel free to just ignore this ask but I was wondering if you would ever consider talking more about being non-binary/ discovering that you were non-binary? I am only just at the point of beginning to accept myself as a baby enby so I love hearing other people’s experiences but I completely understand if that’s not something you’re comfortable talking about. Hope you have a great day either way and good luck with the firefighter :)

Hey friend, I’m more than happy to talk about it! Let me start by saying welcome to the enby club, and I’m so proud of you for exploring this part of yourself! I know it can be A Lot, and sometimes pretty scary, so I applaud you for the self examination and the bravery it takes to get to this point. It took me a long time to get to where you are. I was 26 when I got drunk (for the first time bc I’m a late bloomer whee) and told a group of friends that I thought I might be nonbinary. I was openly pretty hostile towards enby folks up until that point, and I hadn’t realized that this was the gender equivalent of really entrenching yourself in homophobia because you really wish you weren’t gay. It was another six months after that before I confided in a partner about it (sober). She asked if there was another name I wanted her to use, and then proceeded to never use it. Another six months and a breakup later I took some time to consider how that’d made me feel, and I came to the conclusion that it was at the very least time to change my name. I am still figuring out the rest. In retrospect there were a few signs. As a teenager my church held a coming of age ceremony split by gender and I didn’t know where to go. A church member asked me if I was trans - meaning, was I a boy - and I said no. I’ve always been pretty clear on that. They sent me to the women’s tent, but that didn’t fit right either. I was pretty clear about that too, but since I wasn’t a trans man I thought there was just something wrong with me that I was uncomfortable with womanhood.

For a while I thought maybe it was a body image problem. If I were prettier, I would feel more like a woman. If my teeth were straighter. If I lost weight. I put myself in the hospital running track and not eating because I was desperately trying to feel ‘right’ in my body. Spoiler: that did not work. It only made things more difficult.

Then I thought maybe I was just aggressively homosexual, that the part of being “female” that I was rejecting had to do with heteronormativity. But there were things touted as universal female experiences among the queer community that fit awkwardly too, and the word ‘lesbian’ chafed. I didn’t want it applied to me even though it described me. I couldn’t explain why not. A good friend of mine came out as nonbinary a few years back. They described it as knowing that they could play the roles of male or female poorly, or they could step into a role that was right for them and live to the best of their ability. That absolutely resonated with me (and scared the heck out of me at the time) and it’s something that I still hold up when I’m struggling with my identity. Does this identity fit me awkwardly? Then it might not be right for me, and that’s okay.

The question people ask me a lot is whether I’m “really” nonbinary, or whether I just don’t want to be perceived as a woman because society treats women so badly. Whether I’ve just internalized a negative image of womanhood, and whether in a more just society I wouldn’t feel that way. And to that I say... sure, I guess maybe that could be a thing. But we don’t live in a hypothetical just society; we live in this one, and in this reality that label doesn’t suit me.

I’m still really struggling to figure out pronouns - they/them isn’t wrong but seems like a political choice, but she/her isn’t right, and he/him is right but also implies a trans binary identity which isn’t right - and I’m constantly afraid that this is Another Reason it will be difficult or impossible to find a compatible life partner. I worry that presenting too masculine or too feminine will invalidate my identity. I worry that people read me as just wanting attention and won’t take me seriously. It’s some scary stuff. It would have been easier to stay in the closet and pass as cis. But then we wouldn’t be ourselves, and that’s more difficult in some ways.

Anyway, I’m not sure if that’s what you were looking for. If you have specific questions I’m more than happy to answer them! And you can always shoot me a message if you just want to chat/vent about enby things. Always here to support baby enbies, in or out of the closet. Sending you much affection and solidarity, and I hope you are keeping safe and sane out there!

#enby club #Anonymous

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uncloseted · 3 years

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tw: transphobia😭 hi I'm a radfem cisgirl (I hate using "cis" and "trans" words but here I need to for the sake of the story) I've got a friend from ny highschool (we're in college now) who's also a radfem and is always sharing great feminist stuff. Yesterday, she shared the comment of a girl saying "this fight for abortion (it is illegal in my country) is for men/people with vaginas too!" and mocked it. I preferred not to make up any opinions about her because of one single post. But today, she shared a picture of Miss Spain 2019 (a trans girl) who talked about her experience with sexism, and mocked her too. This time, it was obvious to me she was just being transphobic trash. She received lots of backlash and deleted the post, but instead made a new post complaining about people caring about transphobia but not about sexism (a very stupid post, if you ask me). This time, along with some comments from other girls respectfully telling her to stop being cruel and mocking towards trans women, she received a lot of support from other TERFS (although these TERFS said they hate being called TERFS just for being honest and brave lmmfao). They said that transwomen don't belong in radfem because they just suffer from discrimination, not oppression, and listed some reasons why: according to them, trans girls don't suffer: obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, feminicide, child marriage, genital femenine ablation, glass ceiling barriers, being implanted "maternal sense" while kids, getting their ears perfored while babies, among other stuff, and that differentiate ciswomen biological reality from trans women biological reality isn't transphobia. Other girls said they knew transwomen who were mean to them, using derogatory terms to refer to ciswomen and they were mean and cruel, using this argument to generalize about all transwomen smh.

I'm just so stoned that people could be so cruel to transwomen and set them aside from the feminist fight when they suffer from already being excluded from so many things. It sickens me that some people don't belive trans people exist and treat them that bad, specially trans girls. I wish I could debunk the info this TERFS are spreading because it's so dangerous and enables transphobics to keep harming transpeople and I find that unbearable, but I am not as informed as I should be to debute all their lies at once. Could you help me?

So starting with the question of transwomen in radfem spaces, I don’t think many (if any) transwomen would say that they experience the exact same type of discrimination that cis women do. There’s often this idea that “trans people don’t believe in biology”, but that’s a bad faith argument. Trans people understand biology very well, often more than their cis counterparts do, because it’s such a big part of their identity.

Yes, transwomen don’t suffer obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, child marriage, genital feminine ablation, etc. (I can’t even find any articles on the ear thing). They do experience femicide, at way higher rates that cis women do. Transwomen are women, and they’re discriminated against in their own way; sometimes that’s because they’re women, and sometimes that’s because they’re trans. Transwomen are largely supportive of fighting with cis women to rid the world of discrimination for all women, cis and trans alike.

By contrast, TERFs seem to think that because transwomen sometimes suffer a different type of discrimination than cis women, they can’t be “real women”. But that argument makes no sense to me. The vast majority of affluent, white, straight, cis women will never suffer the violence that is apparently so central to the cis female experience. They’re extremely unlikely to experience femicide, child marriage, genital mutilation... and yet they can acknowledge that those issues are feminist issues, even though they’re not universal to all women. Why shouldn’t the discrimination that transwomen face also fall under that umbrella? And if they can accept that women who have had hysterectomies, or women who have chromosomal differences, or women who are intersex, or women who present butch are all women, why shouldn’t transwomen also fall under the umbrella of womanhood?

Further, is that really all that womanhood is to TERFs? Experiencing the trauma and discrimination that so often accompanies being a cis women? I don’t think inclusion to a group should be predicated on the amount that one has suffered or how many “oppression points” they’ve amassed. And I don’t think being a woman should be predicated solely on biology, especially given that we never really know what kind of biology a person has just by looking at them. What “being a woman” is is a metaphysical question that derails the discussion of trans feminism, and it’s a question that I don’t think a lot of TERFs actually have a good answer to. It’s just an easy way to put the burden of proof on trans people and trans allies and waste our time (but if you’re interested, I do have an opinion on this. I just think it’s best saved for a different time).

In terms of trans people being oppressed, there’s all sorts of data to suggest that trans oppression is very real. In the US, trans people were banned from serving in the military under the Trump administration, a decision that was only overturned a few days ago, and the Trump administration also reversed the Obama- era Title VII policy that protected trans employees from discrimination. Trans people are overwhelmingly lacking legal protections- there are no federal non-discrimination laws that include gender identity, and in some states, debates over limiting the rights of trans people to use public bathrooms are ongoing.

About 57% of trans people faced some type of rejection from their family upon coming out. Around 29% of trans people live in poverty (compared to 11% in the general population and about 22% in the lesbian and gay populations), and that number is higher for trans people who are Black (39%), Latinx (48%), or Indigenous (35%). 27% of trans people have been fired, not hired, or denied a promotion due to their trans identity. 90% of trans people report facing discrimination in their own jobs. Trans people face double the rate of unemployment that cis people do (about 14%) and about 44% are underemployed. This is despite the fact that a reported 71% of trans people have some level of post-secondary education- actually higher than the general population, which is about 61%. It’s often cited that women earn 77 cents on the dollar compared to men, but that statistic doesn’t even exist for trans women.

54% of trans people have experienced intimate partner violence (compared to about 24.3% of cis women), 47% of trans people have been sexually assaulted (compared to about 18% of cis women), and about 10% are physically assaulted in a given year.

About 22% of trans people and 32% of trans people of color in the US have no health insurance (compared to about 11% of cis women), and 55% of trans people who do have insurance report being denied coverage for at least one gender affirming surgery. 29% of trans adults have been refused healthcare by a doctor or provider because of their gender identity. In one study, 50% of trans people said that they had to teach their medical providers about trans care. Trans people are four times as likely than the average population to be infected by HIV. 41% have attempted suicide at one point in their lives, compared to 1.6% of the general population.

20% of trans people have been evicted or denied housing due to their gender identity, and trans people are four times more likely than cis people to be homeless. Only 1/5 of trans people report that they have been able to update all of their identification documents, and 41% have a driver’s license that does not match their gender identity. 22% of trans people report that they have been denied equal treatment by a government agency or official, 29% reported police harassment, and 12% reported having been denied equal treatment or harassed by judges or court officials.

75% of transgender students feel unsafe at school because of their gender expression, 60% are forced to use a bathroom or locker room that does not match their gender, 50% were unable to use the name and pronouns that match their gender, and 70% of trans students say that they’ve avoided bathrooms because they feel unsafe. 78% of trans students report being harassed or assaulted at school.

And these are all statistics that focus on trans people at large. The discrimination is worse for transwomen and especially transwomen of color. All of that certainly sounds like systemic oppression to me.

Every person who chooses to be a TERF perpetuates this discrimination. It’s just bigotry towards trans people, plain and simple. And for what? A reactionary fear that all transwomen are secretly sexual predators and all transmen are confused girls who don’t know better? Unfortunately, men can be sexual predators just fine without having to jump through the convoluted hoops trans people go through to be recognized as their true gender identity, and transwomen are way more likely to be sexually assaulted than they are to be sexual predators. There are no reported cases at all that transwomen are dressing up as men to assault women in bathrooms. There aren’t even statistics on how frequently trans people are sexual predators. And transmen are just as capable of making informed, thoughtful decisions as cis women.

TERFs shouldn’t be pitting themselves against trans people. There’s just nothing to be gained from doing that. They should be working alongside trans people to fight the patriarchy and the discrimination that cis and trans women both face, regardless of what that discrimination entails.

Last thought. Not to be a stan or anything but if you’re interested in learning more about these issues, Contrapoints has a number of really good videos on the topic of TERFs (including one that just released today!). They delve a bit deeper into the actual questions that TERFs often bring up and provide some nuanced answers.

youtube

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

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thisdiscontentedwinter · 5 years

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“I do see exclusion as an inherently bad thing, yes, and nothing will change my mind on that. Simply because women are not a monolith, and being born with a vagina does not mean we all share the same experiences of how being female relates to the world. I believe in intersectional feminism, and that transwomen are very much a part of that.” And this is the core thing, isn’t it. I actually held this same opinion until a couple of years ago. I started seeing a certain kind of rhetoric from trans activists online - some of whom, upon reflection, probably represent an extreme view that shouldn’t be taken too seriously - that had me doing double takes and started changing my mind. I’ll back up and try to explain how my mind changed and why I struggle with this topic. I agree with you that women are not a monolith and that women in general have different experiences. I also agree that being born with a vagina does not mean we all share the same experiences of how being female relates to the world, but I disagree with what that implies and how you’ve interpreted that - those different experiences are because of the different cultural takes on what that vagina means. The presence of the vagina is inherent and necessary. The fundamental principle of feminism that I grew up with is that the category of woman is given to people with the female reproductive system, and that category was seen and treated as inferior for no good reason in all cultures. What ‘woman’ actually is (gender roles, gender expectations, treatment by wider society etc ie “gender”) is culturally malleable and constructed and varies slightly from place to place; the universal consistency is that this category is placed upon people born with the female sex (distinct from gender) in order to control and oppress them. Like, it’s key to feminism that the sex provokes the ‘woman’ category, and females are socialised into the ‘woman’ role. The oppression women face isn’t due to a demonstrable lack of intelligence or capability or physiology, it’s because someone looked at our genitals as babies and went 'okay, this is what we call and how we treat people with this biology.’ So that’s my understanding. Women are historically oppressed due to abitrary negative stereotypes placed on them because of their biological sex. How that oppression manifests is different according to culture, geography, ethnicity, religion. Where intersectionality comes into it, for me, is acknowledging all those differences in experiences and including them in feminist progress in dismantling these stereotypes and the unequal treatment and discrimination resulting from them. (some) Trans women state that they are women because they essentially 'feel like it’. They claim an internal sense of 'womanhood’ and this means they are women. When I saw this I was like “:/ okaaay, but how do you measure that, what does that actually mean.” This internal sense seems to be explained in terms like “I preferred pink and playing with dolls as a child, and I always got along better with girls, I preferred doing girly things.” This is more of a call on gender stereotypes than a satisfactory explanation - identification with the performance of the arbitrary, cultural construction of gender, something which changes over time and with which many (cis) women do not identify (yet are still discriminated against - their feelings don’t matter to people who look at them and treat them differently). They have this idea of womanhood and identify with that. I know trans people say that cis people don’t understand that internal sense of 'manhood’ and 'womanhood’ because in them it’s all aligned with their sex - I disagree. If there’s this strong of an internal sense of being a woman or being a man, surely a reasonable proportion of all women and men would report experiencing it. Again, I’m falling prone to the anecdote thing, but in my case, I don’t 'feel’ like a woman. I’m a person in a meatsack who is treated unfairly because of stupid ideas about the meatsack that have nothing to do with my qualities as a person. My female and male friends report the same kind of feeling. If I woke up tomorrow in a male body, I’d probably miss some things about my female body, but I’d be able to go through life in a male body without too much concern. I would then be a man and not a woman, despite my previous few decades in a female body; the concept is a nothing concept so it doesn’t matter. I am open to the idea that people have an innate sense of womanhood or manhood, but it’s so subjective it’s not very useful as a key identification measure for a political group. This is a very different definition of 'woman’ and to me, it completely undermines the key principle underlying feminist discourse. What is also confusing to me is that the transgender community seems roughly split into two groups - those, like above, who *feel* aligned with the opposite sex; and those who say there is a physical miswiring somewhere that causes a mismatch between their internal sense of themselves and their sex, this is a medical condition called gender dysphoria, and the best treatment is transition. Ie you’re trans if you think you are, you’re a woman if you think you are, and you’re a man if you think you are, versus you are trans if you have gender dysphoria, you think you are a woman but biologically you’re a man and you can’t expect to be treated as a woman (or a man) until you physically transition, which will ease your dysphoria. These are two quite different experiences underpinning the definition of transgender. To me, all this confusion over what it even means to be transgender doesn’t represent a cohesive front or group to meaningfully discuss this stuff with. The big thing that got me criticising the issue of inclusion of trans woman is the above realisation, that that definition undermines the ideological foundation of feminism that has brought so much progress to women. It’s an ideological difference that’s fundamental. Other things that bolstered it was accompanying rhetoric I saw online. - eg it’s transphobic/exclusive to discuss things like uteruses (uteri?), menstruation, FGM in feminist spaces, if you do it, you’re a bigot. That doesn’t feel like progress to me, to tell women they can’t discuss the bodily stuff that is the basis of their oppression, and still is for girls and women around the world, in the context of their experiences as women and as people in the world. It feels like misogyny by another name. - eg it’s transphobic to have genital preferences. I think this is a horrible thing to say. Some people do not care what genitals are involved in the sex they’re having, that is fine. Some people do, and that is also fine. Dating and who you have sex with is inherently exclusionary - not everyone is attracted to every person in their identified pool - and it involves bodies, it involves hardwired preferences, and these things can’t be changed if you just think about it really really hard. 'Preferences’ is not a good word for the concept, it implies a choice that I don’t think is there. I really don’t think people choose what they’re attracted to and what turns them on in sex. Examining your sexual self to understand how you operate and what you like and don’t like is an excellent thing to do. I also agree that trans people find it hard to date people. But calling people transphobic - especially lesbians, this seems to happen more with lesbians and trans women than gay men and trans men - because of something innate is just shitty behaviour. I was really disgusted by this. No one is owed sex. - eg there are no real differences between trans women and cis women. Any differences noted in discourse are a result of the person stating them being transphobic. A person who says they’re a woman has female biology because of this statement. This is an attitude I see a lot - any criticism of things like the above, any reference to any differences between trans woman and cis women, and suddenly you’re a bigot, a terf, a transphobic asshole, wrongthink in action! This worries me. Because there ARE differences, and shouting them down is not the way to bring people to your way of thinking. - eg gender dysphoric children should be encouraged to transition or go on puberty blockers. There’s a study out there that states something like 70-90% of gender dysphoric children desist by the end of puberty. Telling them they’re trans and putting them on drugs is not the right way to treat these kids, sensitive and appropriate counselling is. This in particular really worries me. - eg detransitioners exist and have a lot to say, but because it’s critical of transgenderism, they’re ignored. This rubs me the wrong way - they have insight into the interplay between self-understanding, sex, gender and culture, that’s valuable to general understanding of the self, sex, gender, and culture. I could go on, but this is so long. So I was originally supportive - I really was. I’m now more critical, because I don’t see a clear cohesive movement that is, ironically, inclusive, or that supports feminist issues, I’m seeing something that aggressively undermines the one movement that has truly progressed women’s rights. It strikes me that women and feminists are arguing about this more than men are, that men aren’t saying 'trans men are men’ in the same way women are expected to say 'trans women are women’. That also says something to me about the overall issue, and it’s not a good thing. It’s entirely possible that I’m hanging out in the trans part of the internet that has the assholes in it. Every group has its assholes. I also acknowledge that radical feminist groups have their hateful assholes too - but the reason I went into radical feminist spaces was to see what those evil terfs are saying and why they’re so bad, and I didn’t find evil, I found them addressing the concerns I had. They’re talking about the above things, whereas in the supposedly inclusive spaces with trans people, those topics weren’t allowed to be discussed. But I haven’t seen many answers to some of the problems trans people face - violence and discrimination in employment and housing is a real thing, and that does need to be addressed. By feminists? I’m not sure. Trans people are more than capable of organising in their self-interests - if they could find a common ground and common interests. I do think trans women face violence in male spaces and can be accommodated in female spaces - within reason. The case of Karen White in the UK is a good example of how that’s not a good rule of thumb. There’s also a domestic violence shelter in Canada that’s being sued by the women who were in it for allowing a trans woman inside, because the trans women acted in a very predatory way that caused the women distress in a place where they expected safety. I also know of one trans woman in Vancouver who tried to have a rape crisis shelter defunded because it didn’t support sex workers - that’s a valid criticism, but defunding it isn’t the action I would hope to see from any woman; it’s pointedly aggressive coming from a trans woman. For me, I do wonder whether people such as yourself are seeing the same stuff I’m seeing. I guess not. I find it very difficult to go back to the whole 'oh yeah, trans women are women and share our oppression’ stance, because I just don’t see that in evidence. In our conversation I notice that we’ve got a really fundamental difference in how we interpret and approach the world, for example the exclusion thing. Perhaps it’s too fundamental a difference and we won’t find much to agree on. I don’t know if you’ll take the time to respond to this, because it’s so long, but if you could articulate why this inclusion makes sense to you, I would actually really appreciate it. If not, that’s fine, we’re both busy people. Thanks for reading anyway, and thanks again for the conversation and for engaging with me. I *am* sorry about the length :S

DW:

For me, it’s not a matter of “transwomen are women and share our oppression.”

It’s a matter of “transwomen are women and are oppressed because they are transwomen.”

Their oppression might not be exactly the same as mine, but neither is the oppression of a 12 year old child bride on the other side of the world.

Simply put, it intersectional feminism can make room for all the different types of experiences of women–cultural, and economic, and religious, and social, and geographical–then why not widen the umbrella to include transwomen?

There’s also a domestic violence shelter in Canada that’s being sued by the women who were in it for allowing a trans woman inside, because the trans women acted in a very predatory way that caused the women distress in a place where they expected safety. I also know of one trans woman in Vancouver who tried to have a rape crisis shelter defunded because it didn’t support sex workers - that’s a valid criticism, but defunding it isn’t the action I would hope to see from any woman; it’s pointedly aggressive coming from a trans woman.

There will always be anecdotes, and there will always be assholes, but judging all transwomen by the actions of a few is not helpful to anyone.

When it comes to women’s shelters, there are plenty of shelters who don’t allow boys to stay, forcing families out onto the streets in cases of domestic violence because a mother doesn’t want to be separated from her son–who is a child. I think that’s unfair and wrong, but I’m not going to claim from that that all feminists are anti-child.

I’ve taken calls from women’s shelters before where women were being threatened by other women and the workers were requesting the police. The women there also had an expectation of safety, but gender doesn’t come into it, and the implication that the transwoman was predatory because she is trans is drawing a very long bow.

In the case of the Vancouver rape crisis shelter, why aren’t sex workers supported? That seems discriminatory. Also, why it is more “pointedly aggressive” coming from a transwoman than from anyone else? Given that transwomen are over-represented in sex work, why wouldn’t a transwoman have every right to want to fight this?

And you can bring up Karen White if you like. And I can counter with articles about transwomen who have been raped in male prisons, which I hope you would agree is just as heinous.

In the end, nothing is going to change my mind on this. I think that being a woman is more complicated than a biological function, and I think that transwomen, while not oppressed in the same way as ciswoman, still face oppression because of their gender. And I think that there is plenty of room to be inclusive.

#t #submission

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starberryhearts · 4 years

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Uuuuhhh I hope this isn’t too straight forward but am I still cis if it feels uncomfortable when other people refer to me as a woman/girl/lady? This is confusing and nothing really feels right 😓

No worries at all anon! What you’re describing sounds a lot like a common trans feeling. That being said, I have heard that many cis women have complicated relationships with femininity and womanhood (not that femininity and womanhood are inherently related). I’m not an expert on feminism though, so it might be a good idea to look into other sources about this kind of thing.

This might sound a little disheartening, and I totally understand. When I first started exploring my gender, I asked similar questions of “hey it Feels Bad when people identify me by my Assigned Gender At Birth... what does that mean?” Although I was knee deep in a local trans community and unknowingly surrounded by trans friends and family members, the best answer people could give me was “I don’t know, what do you think?” which at the time felt like the worst possible response to get ever. I was surrounded by trans people, I even went to a trans conference (!!) surely someone could give me The Answer, right??

The problem was, gender is messy and complicated and has to be contextualized under a lot of factors. (Depending on what culture you are from I would suggest looking into culturally specific genders to see if maybe one of those labels fits you better - again not well versed in this either but perhaps it could be useful)

Realizing I was trans... took a while. And after realizing I Wasn’t Cis, it took about 4 more years for me to find a label that fit me (and who knows how long that label will fit me for!) Heck, I’m genderflux and sometimes I don’t even know what gender I’m experiencing that day. Although I can’t give you a straight answer of “you’re trans!!” or “oops all cis” I can give you some advice for how you can begin to look within yourself and start to untangle your gender.

1. Get a support group!

Support groups have helped me more than anything in figuring out What’s Going On In There. This support group could consist of anyone! Whether this is a support group that has already existed like a local town’s trans support group, or one you make on your own full of friends, family members, partners, whoever you choose. There might be other support group options I haven’t even thought of! But the point still stands. Some people know their gender right away, and I applaud them, but it’s not a universal experience. For me (also not a universal experience) it’s taken a lot of time and energy to figure out what’s going on, and I’ve faced a lot of setbacks along the way. Having a support group helps build up your stamina and can replenish your energy when you’re having a really rough gender day. Of course I feel lucky to be able to say this, but don’t worry about being too selective when picking who is part of your support group. These people should be folks who you can fall back on and trust. If you know someone who’s like cool but they’re kind of a dick about gender?? Listen they can be your friend if you want, sure, but I’d suggest not making them a part of your support group.

2. Learn to be patient

Or if you’re like me and being patient suuuucks, find ways to reward and distract yourself with how long it’s taken to figure out your gender. Maybe you’ll get a prophetic dream that tells you what your gender is in a clear-cut way which would be SO COOL, but it’s also highly unlikely. Prepare for this to take a little while to figure out, and then if you’ve found you overestimated how long it would take you’ll be pleasantly surprised by your own clarity! To be honest, I highly doubt I’m at the end of discovering my gender. Knowing your gender takes time, so reward yourself for every little bit of progress you make. Did you read an article about common trans feelings? Great job! Time for a reward! Keep the process of learning about your gender fun and exciting and well paced (!!) , because trust me it is 5 times harder to get anywhere if you treat self exploration like a full time job and just the thought of it makes you feel shitty. You may hit that point for a while, I know I have, but love yourself when you can.

3. Examining your gender is not just for Trans people

For a while I was like “oh no I can’t explore my gender because what if I really am cis?? Isn’t that insensitive to trans people??” Listen. Exploring your relationship with gender will benefit you regardless of whether you are Trans or cis. Just because someone is cis, it doesn’t mean they inherently know or understand their gender. Let this be a time of personal growth, no matter what you learn about yourself!

4. Learn to sort your information

Maybe you already do this, in which case great!! But it’s important for me to remind you that many people think they’re right when they’re wrong (one of my best skills if you ask me!), and some people will spread hate and misinformation knowingly and purposefully. This is a fact. They will also sound like they are right, because confidence sells. This is not to say “if you think you’re trans you’re wrong!!” To be honest if you think you’re trans (or wish you were trans) you’re probably trans. However, throughout my gender exploration there have been people who have both intentionally and unintentionally, in-person and over the internet, tried to lead me astray. They have misinformed me and they have made me afraid to question my gender. This is why support groups are so important. It is also why it’s important to learn what someone’s intent is behind what they tell you, and whether or not they’re reliable. Someone who openly hates trans people is not going to be a good source for educating yourself on trans issues for sure, but trans people who mean well can also have internalized transphobia (essentially society teaching us to hate ourselves. You might also want to look into internalized misogyny if you think some of this is coming from hating yourself for being a woman, if you do happen to be a woman). Try to gravitate towards people who are reliable and confident in who they are. I have found these are the people who are least likely to spread hurtful misinformation. Sorting information is not creating an echo chamber, it is life saving preventative health care. Although holding yourself accountable is important, putting your health first while exploring your gender is a must.

Also, I’m not sure if this will help, but I answered a similar ask a while ago, linked below:

https://scarlettsbearhugs.tumblr.com/post/189985272693/hey-i-always-see-you-reblogging-stuff-about-being

Regardless of whether or not you’re trans, I’m glad you’re trying to learn more about yourself, and I’m glad that you trusted me with this topic! If you have any more questions feel free to send another ask. I’m always happy to talk about gender, even if these posts are like 20 pages long.

You can do it!!

Scarlett🍓

#ask #anon #anonymous #thanks for asking!#I tried to break up the text a little bit bc this post is longer than a soccer field #feel free to send in more asks!#this gender stuff is tough!!!

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