#i literally just talked about this w sid today like...... i wanna know whats going on through his head...... please give me an appealing sib | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

teachers-are-nerds · 6 years

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why does my brain keep saying very loudly and rapidly “i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to fucking die” even though i absolutely do not want to die right now i dont even have the motivation to scream but i wonder if a solid scream would be cathartic

theres just so many things i need to complain about my heart is pounding so hard im in pain and im shaking and everything feels bad and i cant change my meds bc i cant contact my psychiatrist from france or like... more importantly figure out the logistics

i dont wanna go back to the states though bc gburg is probably gonna be hella toxic for me again even though my schedule for next year is super good and im super looking forward to it

why did i send home all of my sheet music and why didnt i send home my jackets holy wow that’s gonna be a lot of weight i cant pay for with the luggage on my way home

what if im not mentally ill enough for meds i know i have to change them bc at this moment i am NOT feeling helped by them but what if another med will make me even worse and what if i am actually just shitty at managing symptoms and how come everyone else seems to be able to manage or hide or work through their shit and i have to go and make a big fucking deal out of it all and i literally even wrote my prof like “hi btw ive been suicidal thats why i havent been in class” and that’s just using mental health as a fucking excuse it’s not like an hour and a half of sitting through a class from which i glean approximately nothing would actually kill me, as it were lol

i have to get the key to christine but that means 20 min walk home and 20 min walk back and maybe the sunlight will be good for me but i also need to write the other two pages of my paper that im obviously not doing now since im complaining and making a bajillion zillion posts all over social media lol it is a cry for help how come i cant make myself do the things i need to do im literally in physical pain because i cant make myself do the paper that was due an entire week ago !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how the actual fuck did i even graduate high school how did i fucking survive

well i mean i didnt drink in high school but i also got apx 3h of sleep a night so idk

im not drinking today though like i refuse to do that today bc money and also i need to just uhh not drink for a while because that’s what healthy people do. not day drink on weekdays.

i thought i was better abt that this year than last year but i guess not as much as i thought but at least im not sleeping in my friend’s bed every other night?? which is an improvement

god i fucking hate that i cut myself out of the queermmunity like that even though it’s better for me i just wish i did it in a more mature way im so fucking angry at myself im not even homesick at all i miss like 4 or 5 people from the states in total and i feel fucking awful that theres a bunch of people who will message me like “omg miss u” and i know i miss them too but like i feel like im lying when i respond “miss u 2″ and that isnt fair at all and i hate it i hate feeling like im lying to my friends i hate that i dont miss them i hate that this semester is supposedly the best semester of my life and i still have to convince myself not to step in front of a bus sometimes and i hate that The Brain Demons are clawing my stomach out from the inside but at least i havent purged in a while so there’s that and usually i can talk myself out of other self harm shit

and putting the content of my complaining post in the tags is to warn people if they read it but also it’s gonna make some people like OH NO UR IN DANGER LET ME READ THIS and i dont ?? i dont want that???????? but i also do???? good fucking lord i hate being such an attention whore

i hate that im a whore in general

like i dont regret any sexploits ive had whatever but i hate that i feel jealous of some people because i dont want to monopolize their lives and i dont want to prevent them from sharing love w other people i jsut want people to cuddle and kiss and be romantic with and it hurts but i also cant ocmplain abt it with my friends bc they also are like dammit i want a partner and me i have a few consistent sex partners but i want romantic partners but i need to change the people with whom i spend my time because they are not great for my mental health and i hate that bc i love them dearly but im destroying myself just in a different way from last year

the people i loved last year are driving me up a goddamn wall and i hate that i hate that i hate that so much bc i still care about them but im such an idiot i cant stand up for what feels right or against what feels wrong to me bc ill jsut get yelled at and i know that means i shouldnt be close to them im so hurting today

everything feels like too much and im shaking and still avoiding responsibilities and idk if writing this post is gonna get it out of my head enough bc on one hand i might tire myself out and not feel the need to write about it more to people and not have to bother them or like idk continue distracting conversations or maybe having people worry and try to talk to me will give me something to ignore so i can make myself write my paper idfk!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand uhh what if this is just going to make me fixate even more on my problems im screaming in sid e

oh ps im realizing that my family dynamic, while much much miuchn much much better than so fuckin many other people (feels conceited to say but im grateful for it and feel i cant or shouldnt talk abt it in case it triggers something in those with shitty home situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) im recognizing that smth about the dynamic feels unstable as well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if i finish my paper, turn it in, sit for 20 minutes of class, go breathe, come back for the end

idfk othe rstudents need to talk to the prof too i cant monopolize him with the same content from my email to him and the same “i need help but idk what help i need” statement from last week or whatever

idk

idk idk idk will summer help me at all? will i live at home? will that be better or worse for me? can i remove all the materialism from my life? obv no but i feel i need to get rid of everything i own to cleanse myself of whatever and also i feel like cutting my own stomach and other organs out of myself but i obv cant and promise i wont try that lol

what work will i have or internships i dont have money i feel trapped will i hate myself forever will i be stuck in loops forever i will absolutely live long enough to find out and i will overcome things but like jesus chriiiiiiiiiiiiist im Not Good rn im sorry

yells

#blah blah blah #negative #suicide tw #i dont want to die but i want my brain to shut up #self harm tw #ed tw

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survivorcutthroat · 7 years

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Episode 1: “There’s a 50 year old playing this game.” - Zack (Part 2)

*shocker* Nehe blew it. Big.

Good news? We got Seamus to join us + I think there's a very tentative plan in motion right now....Seamus told Nehe that Zack and Amir are close so if me/him/Nehe and Dustin vote together we have instant majority and we can boot Zack like I have been wanting to....

But of course, I can't trust Seamus yet as he is yet to tell this info directly to me - just to Nehe. I'll work on that...

But for now I'll let Nehe do the scheming for the both of us so that if it backfires, the bullet hits him harder than me. =)

Stevie is now on our tribe, as we have lost immunity. I'm selling him on the idea of "Ali is the guy here we all look to for guidance" so that he wants Ali gone. I've been gunning for Ali while having an alliance with him since day one. Gotta cut throats before throats cut you.

This is so uglyyy omg. Voting Sherry was a huge mistake, however, we had no idea what the vote would entail. It could have been voting someone to redemption island for all we know. Sherry had to complete a series of puzzles, and they're some of the worst puzzles I've ever seen. Stevie and Seamus are fucking freaks. Then this twist comes and they have to vote at our tribal too. And freaking Stevie chooses my tribe

I hate Stevie and my relationship with him isn't very good. I prefer Seamus because I think he would have my back. I don't feel safe, but I have Ali and Bodhi. Dom might help me, but he hasn't really talked to me since the first day. Sherry and I don't talk to, and she is super busy. My concerns are that Sherry might have something for doing the challenge, and Stevie might try to stir the pot. Kill me, Tommy help me out god. I have no idea why Eddie hates me, he's trying to rig against me. This cast is meh no wonder I'm on it.

Btw, I came to a realization that I should consider not dating, liking, crushing, or doing anything with another guy they are disgusting and fakes and ugly. I'm so done with them.

Me: let me be more social!

also me: doesn't talk to people on my tribe

Okay I made a decision. I'm gonna stick to my guns. I am not letting nehe or crow leave and im not compromising. I know I've been in denial but it's time to face the facts. My tribe is going to tribal. I'm going to make sure nehe doesn't go. I think he'll 100% be a loyal ally. He so sweet and I like him and I have a feeling he's not gonna hit it off with a lot of people.

Second, I truly truly hope crow doesn't go. I love him as a person he's literally my husband but like, I'm not gonna throw my game away for him. If he's the one going then he's the one going. I need to make sure me and nehe are safe over him because I can control nehe more than I can control crow. If crow does go, then me and nehe are enough to force a tie if we go to tribal again.

Third, is zack. Zack and I have a long history and I've known him for 2 years. Taking him out isn't bad for my game but I genuinely would be so bad because I love him as a person so I really really don't want to.

Fourth is Dustin, nice kid, pretty hot lowkey, but he can go. I really do like him as a person but uhhhgg

Zack just confirmed he's with Dustin. ZAXK WANTS ME HIM AND DUSTIN TO ALIGN. I WASNT MEANT FOR THIS FUCKING GAME. THIS IS Not what I want. I think crow is gonna be the one to go. I am SO sad. I DONT WVEN KNOW IF I TRUST ZACK OR DUSTIN. WHAT IF IM BEING PLAYED? I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM. How am I suppose to talk to dustin when he never fuckin replies? Maybe I should just vote myself out and be lucky. If I'm with Zack/Dustin I'm at the bottom cuz they're close. If I'm with nehe and crow I'm at the top cuz they're both close to me. I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to keep my fucking mouth shut and wait for zack and Dustin to campaign to nehe and wait to see what crow wants to do. I need to like be patient and wait. That's what I need to do

We are more than halfway through round one and I am loving this game!! When it started and I saw the cast reveal i almost immediately quit because i saw Jaiden and Sid and i needed to GO, but then they weren't on my tribe so it was fine. I really like my tribe! Me and Tommy have always gotten along, although we don't have much playing experience together. Cole and I have a weird relationship in games that I don't fully understand but this time around I am liking it. I like Abel, and Matt is a cool dude. i really like that all of us searched for the idol because otherwise I probably wouldn't have searched and missed the potential opportunity. In terms of the other people in the cast, I LOVE LIANA!!!! One of my faves, so happy she is here! Seamus I get along with well, and surprisingly I have been talking to Bodhi a decent amount. My biggest fear is in this game I don't know how more than half of these people are as players. I know about less than half of the cast and Id on't like that. gonna have to snoop around and ask how these bitches played in their past games.

So walking into this game - I feel pretty decent about the cast. I know certain people for good reasons and some for bad reasons. When I look at the people I see Dustin & Cole, of which as all played BBHell together and on separate occasions flirted with each other. This was my first game from a year ago. I had to unblock Dustin from a year ago. Yikes.

People are recognizing me from India. "India", "robbed of Switzerland" whatever blah blah blah. Considering I don't play tumblr to often I kinda just like to do me so I play a bit medicore I guess. But they all know me so w/e.

My tribe is pretty decent. I'm happy. As a tribe we haven't talked but one on one my strongest relations are in this tribe. Sherry is one of my bffs

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Oh my, I'm so scared about this game. At least Stevie won the immunity challenge but I feel like I'm missing out on so much gameplay. I feel like there is a alliance(s) that I'm not in. What should I do, I've generally scared. I think people like me personally, but I could be wrong like always. I'm really trying to lay low in this game and I'm hoping people will forget about me for the most part the game. I don't know if I should start a majority alliance in my tribe OR I should get 2 people from each tribe and form a 8 person alliance where we all work together to get rid of people that isn't in the alliance, the nice thing about two tribes losing two members tomorrow is that this alliance could totally happen. The only thing is that this plan would completely backfire on me because I would be playing too hard to fast. I'm so conflicted, if my tribe does up going to tribal, I'm probably going to vote out Matt because I know him the least (I've said this like 7 times jeez). I'm going to try and be lovable in this game and have people think I'm easily manipulated and doing their will so they won't target me. Oh man, this game makes me paranoid.

So pretty much whats going to (hopefully) happen is that Nehe will be hitting the road after taking 4 hours of his life on those puzzles. Yes he didnt quit. But still he was 3 hours behind even placing 2nd. For us to be down to a tribe of 4 its going to rely on comp scores so he has to go. ive talked alot to crow, amir ,and zack and we all seem to get along. however i am suspicious of amir and zacks previous relationship. Hopefully we can all vote together today and send Nehe packing.Oh my, I'm so scared about this game. At least Stevie won the immunity challenge but I feel like I'm missing out on so much gameplay. I feel like there is a alliance(s) that I'm not in. What should I do, I've generally scared. I think people like me personally, but I could be wrong like always. I'm really trying to lay low in this game and I'm hoping people will forget about me for the most part the game. I don't know if I should start a majority alliance in my tribe OR I should get 2 people from each tribe and form a 8 person alliance where we all work together to get rid of people that isn't in the alliance, the nice thing about two tribes losing two members tomorrow is that this alliance could totally happen. The only thing is that this plan would completely backfire on me because I would be playing too hard to fast. I'm so conflicted, if my tribe does up going to tribal, I'm probably going to vote out Matt because I know him the least (I've said this like 7 times jeez). I'm going to try and be lovable in this game and have people think I'm easily manipulated and doing their will so they won't target me. Oh man, this game makes me paranoid.

welp. i'm going to mother fucking tribal.

my plan? seamus told me nehe and crow said my name.. so nehe and crow can CHOKE. i wanna make an alliance with dustin and amir and vote nehe out hehe. honestly. can all these people choke so i can win. like just give me the win.

This is so ugly. I love Ali so much. Me and Ali have an alliance with Bodhi, but Bodhi does not trust Ali. Sherry is obviously trying to save herself, and why the hell is it catching on? Dom's dumbass is barely here, Stevie shouldn't even be a part of this tribe this twist is rigged. But Bodhi? Like hell man why do you think Sherry is going to be more loyal to us than Ali? We voted for Sherry! Unless he's saying he didn't vote or didn't actually vote. Like Sherry and Stevie i undersrand voting for Ali, but Bodhi? What the hell? We're in an alliance with him do you really think he's going to flip onus now? So stupid these people are so stupid.

Nehe and I are talking, and he's one of the few people in the game I think is absolutely telling me the truth. I want him on my side when a swap hits. Right now my trust is in Amir, Abel, Dom, Sherry, and Nehe. I've got moderate amounts of trust with Crow, Mearl, Tommy, Stevie, Rob, Ali (but im killing him tonight), Seamus, and several other people. I am feeling GOOD about this game if I can make it past this tribal.

I talked to everybody that's originally on my tribe and the vote is split between Sherry and Ali. Bodhi is such a snake. I went on call with Dom who I loved a lot the first night and he told me that Bodhi exposed our alliance to him for no reason. Dom isn't even close to Bodhi. Bodhi is obviously trying to control the vote and doing what is right for him. Fake I knew i never liked him. I do want to work with Dom and Eddie's Breadies is definitely not a thing anymore.

[12:35:25 PM] Bodhi: Who are you working with on your tribe>

[12:35:34 PM] Nehe Mehe: lol can you keep a secret?

[12:35:52 PM] Bodhi: absolutely

[12:35:55 PM] Nehe Mehe: at the moment all of them cause they all wanna work with me

[12:35:56 PM] Bodhi: there's no one i'd tell

then i went and told Amir.

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1 hour later:

I'm hella nervous tribal council is coming up in three hours but everything should be fine. Amir settled on voting out Zack and Seamus is all good and so is Crow and I dont know where Dustin is at but yeah he better vote Zack out too. I gotta watch how I play out in the Live tribal portion but I feel like I have a chance to stay but I can tragically still get blindsided.

[2:41 PM] Ali TAnveer: We need you You're the fun person in the tribe

[2:41:31 PM] Bodhi: I wanted tribal at 5 :'(

[2:41:40 PM] Ali TAnveer: I was. Tribal now

[2:41:46 PM] Ali TAnveer: Or 5 :(

[2:42:48 PM] Bodhi: 5 is just better

[2:44:08 PM] Ali TAnveer: It is [2:44:15 PM] Ali TAnveer: I might be out tonight

Ali has no idea how right he is. He means that he wont be around for tribal, but he won't be around after tribal either.

15 minutes later:

OOPS hahahaha fuck. Ok so Rob wants me to flip on the plan to take out Ali, and he's made good arguments. I'm gonna keep Ali around and do Sherry instead. Sherry is less active, and has more friends. Ali is a more visable target. There goes my big flip plan!

Ugh okay so this is #4 on day 4. So basically since i won my tribe was safe. Then we got to deal with 2 twists. First is do we want to keep, throw away, or give someone and idol clue. Of course i keep it bc why would I want someone else to have it? Plus i can just lie and give others a fake clue. The second is that I joined the red tribe and go to tribal with them but im immune... So i get to vote and im p sure imma vote zack, even though i think i can work with him, i need switzerland and great lakes people to leave. I cant risk having their former relationships come into play and bite me in the butt. SO tonight it will either be Nehe or Zack but I'm voting Nehe! Wish me luck!

Okay y'all I'm packing my bags. Fuck! This! Twist! FUCK THIS CAST! I HATE. Fuck seamus. Next time I'm on a tribe with him he's getting lit tf up. It's round one and he made up lies about me already and it's really sad because he really doesn't know who he's fucking with. Bitch boy just ruined his own game If I survive this tribal I'm going to end him. I am going to Fucking END SEAMUS. He looks like the mom from suite life of zack and cody. He's like telling nehe that me and zack are best friends and basically pinning the target on us and telling nehe that I talked to him the least when I literally have talked with Seamus everyday. Like is he inbred? I was starting to really like him but he truly fucked himself over now. I don't rest until his basic white gay ass goes.

The info I know:

1. Make nehe 100% on board with me again.

2. Nehe wants to vote zack or Dustin but he doesn't want to vote crow.

3. Zack wants to convince nehe to vote Dustin instead of him but he still wants to vote nehe out.

4. Seamus wants either zack or I out

Info I need:

1. Is dustin still 100% on the vote nehe out train?

2. Crow told me and Dustin he wants to vote nehe but told nehe he wants to do zack or Dustin but preferably Dustin. What tf does crow want?

Nehe knows too much. Crow isn't gonna go, no one wants him out. I got nehe protecting me right now. What I need to know is If crow is really with nehe and he genuinely wants to vote out zack or Dustin.

As much as I love nehe, Crow has sunk his social game claws into him already. He's the middle man between zack/Dustin and me/crow. If I'm able to survive this round and get through this I can for sure make the target next week to be Dustin or crow. Nehe is STILLLLL telling people that me and zack are a final 2.

I FUCKING HATE THIS CAST. Dustin keeps me sane. I'm glad I have him. How did he go from my least fav on the tribe to my absolute fav?

[7/6/17, 3:52:25 PM] Amir: On 7/6/17, at 3:51 PM, Nehe Mehe wrote: > you are way nicer than i would’ve guessed Amir

Okay I feel fucking bad but like he literally went and told the whole tribe that me and zach are a final 2. Im scared but tbh my skin has been clear for a long ass time and I got a pimple today and this game is to blame. If I get voted out I might become sane again.

Ah what a lovely event tribal council is! I thought I would be in trouble but I'm actually likable I think??? Wow I'm shooketh.

So after Nehe's blunder at the comp and Zack's inept social game, it put them both on the chopping block. I would love to just chop both but I have to choose apparently....Nehe has Seamus on his side and Zack has Amir on his side leaving Dustin and I, the dream team of distrust, as the swing votes. (But there's a lot of lies in between so it might not be that clear)

And although I'm closer to Nehe, him going reaps more benefits as I gain trust with Dustin, Zack, and Amir and cut the only person who would be my enemy moving into this tribe swap....

So I'm throwing my first knife at Nehe and I think it's going to pierce his heart. Whoops! #AnyoneButMe right?

#ChaosCrow or #CutthroatCrow ? I bet bitches didn't see me cutting so early but this is my second chance and I'm ready to draw blood.

SO! Guess who's ready for another summer of stress, sadness and seventh place? It's ya boy, Sid! With Magyi's tribal in 15 minutes, this confessional MAY be a little overdue, but I'm here to break down days one through four for you.

Sagu is a beautiful tribe for beautiful people. At least, that's what I thought. Now, I've realized that I'm kinda pissed off that I'm not with my Twister Sister Sherry, or my number one: Amir. Y'all put me on a tribe with Jaiden, whose reputation precedes him, Luke, who I haven't talk to in days, and Seamus, who is probably the worst liar I've met. Seriously, someone let him win a game? I trust Liana the most right now, but even that is like a 7/10.

I vibed with Seamus at first, but as soon as I approached him about working together, he really showed his cards with his tone. I don't trust him at all, and, after hearing about his antics on Magyi (thanks to this loser twist), I trust him even less. As SOON as I get the chance, he's gone. I have a metaphorical place on my wall for his metaphorical head. WE'RE GOING TROPHY HUNTING, BOYS. That being said, I'm in an "alliance" (more of a trust cluster) with him and Liana.

I really feel like I'm keeping a level head, and I'm trying to play less antsy. That, however, isn't going to keep me from making big moves. One World sucks, but at least I can talk to Amir. He's honestly my number one, and I'd never betray him. I love Sherry too, and I can't wait to reunite with her again. I'm going to go watch Magyi's tribal now, but I'm so excited to play Cutthroat Island!!! It's going to be a doozie.

Idk what's happening this tribal, maybe bodhi is not with us? He aint replying maybe they are against me and rob, these people are crazy and I just wanna stay, I give my heart and souls to this game.

Hello! I'm back for a third time now to attempt a second win! I'm really nervous to start the season but also super excited to have gotten another chance at the win. It's weird being one of two winners in this season. The feeling is just weird and unexplainable. I believe this season is going to be super messy and people will be all over the place, I just hope to at least make merge and jury and from there get to the end. My tribe is really good we have a lot of people who made it far and I genuinely like all of them. Since this is a one word season I wanna make a few connections with the people on other tribes to so I'm safe for a swap or something. I feel like I'm paranoid 24/7 this season compared to my other two seasons where I felt I always tried to make a safety net for myself... this season there is no way I can make a safety net yet because I don't trust many if any people. As for my tribe I feel like I wouldn't be the first boot just because of my first impressions I think, however you can never know. For right now before swaps or anything I wanna be seen as a coattail rider and start from the bottom up and work my way into a good position so people will not target me right away and work on relationships with people.

I'm so happy Stevie won the challenge because that means I made Final 18! I'm so happy I didn't get the first two boots I honestly would have actually cried A LOT. I'm even more nervous now that there is less people because one step closer to the end and it'll only get more cutthroat from here on out.

I went on call with Dom who revealed Bodhi is shady. Dom said that he would like people to be straightforward with him. I agree, so i decided to tell Ali everything. Ali knows what is happening because i do really like him and he deserves to know. I told Bodhi that voting Ali is stupid and he believed me. Sherry is going to flip because she knows she's on the chopping block. So flipping Bodhi should flip Dom too. The vote should be Sherry, but she said she has the idol. I don't know if I believe it, but it should be Ali then? Fucl Stevie btw. If this vote goes to plan I'll scream I might have done that.

I had 7 calls back to back to back.

JAIDEN I hated Jaiden from before this game, but after talking to him he seems quite alright and I'd love to work with him this time around. I actually really like jaiden which is a huge suprise.

ROB Rob just needed some reassuring. I reassured his ass.

ALI Ali needed reassuring as well. I did the exact same to him

STEVIE I needed to fill Stevie in on the vote so he didn't get mad when it was Sherry

ABEL We talked about the game for a bit, nothing spesific but we got along great ALI Abel hung up on me and Ali wanted me to call again. We said almost nothing and I think he's happy.

ABEL Oh my god. This was the most important call of the game. We were giggling about our dislike of Luke together, and we're going to go FAR. I love Abel and I want to go to the end with him.

#AnyoneButMe

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