#i feel perfect in your eyes

[seagull-scribbles]

“Ain’t turtles supposed to be endangered?”

“Only the ones who can’t do this!”

#TMNT 2012 #raphael hamato #casey jones 2012 #is your bestie really your bestie if the first time you laid eyes on them it wasn’t immediately on sight #rasey #it’s not ship art but also I want it in my rasey tag so #I am having so much fun drawing in the canon style I am but god did I need to do something in my own style again #it’s like when you get made to wear a fitted dress and everyone tells you you look nice and it’s perfect #but you feel self conscious and constricted and it’s not something you’d ever wear #I love learning from studying the different styles but I also miss just editing the designs and going off model #altering the brushes and colours to suit a vibe #this is messy gritty wrong and imperfect but that’s what made it fun and easy and I’m so happy with this you can all bite me #also this is the return of flat ass Casey #Lou jitsu’s moral enemy and opposite lmao #I am so normal about Raph and Casey honest #I don’t constantly think about the way he slams Jones on the car bonnet #just a normal short chunky dude with his lanky toll bestie that happens to have the worlds flattest ass

[b-rainlet]

The Green family dynamics are so interesting because like, Viserys is the father but due to his decay he seems more like the grandfather, whereas Otto is the Grandsire but seems to fill out the role of a father more, not only to his daughter but also her children, so he and his daughter are a mother/father unit but in some situations Alicent is treated like a sibling to her children (by Otto) and then you have the obvious Helaena/Aegon happening (siblings who are also husband/wife and mother/father to their children), but at the same time it seems like Aemond is the one trying to be the family's protector and attempting to step up as patriarch, with some of the scenes between him and Alicent giving off the vibes of equals rather than Mother and Son (like when they discuss Aemond finding Aegon) and his relationship with Aegon seeming like he's the big brother and not the other way around, in this essay I will-

#ALSO the way Aemond tries so hard to be the perfect son #In part to make up for Aegon obviously slacking #And also because he feels like he should've been the firstborn son #But do you ever think that maybe he's also jealous of Aegon because Aegon is allowed to fuck up #Again and again #And Alicent still loves him? #Like she obviously is affectionate toward all her children #But imagine trying to be everything your mother wants your older brother to be #And watching your older brother do everything he's not supposed to be #And somehow your mother still supports him and loves him and would quite literally die for him #And like logically you know she would do the same for you #But deep down you're also scared of ever fucking up #Because what if you're not perfect and you fuck up like your brother #And she stops loving you?? #What if you're not the golden son she never needs to worry about #And she just isn't willing to tolerate your bs the way she tolerates your brother's #What a punch in the face that would be #Anyway don't mind me I am just clawing my eyes out #hotd #aemond targaryen #aegon ii targaryen

[koizumicchi]

母親って (Shibasaki Aizou) English Translation

母親って Hahaoya tte A Mother

Character: Aizou from LIP×LIP HoneyWorks feat. ないこ Lyrics: Kaoru & shito Composer: Kaoru

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T/N: Wishing everyone a happiest new year!!

Keep in mind that Japanese and English aren’t my first language. I never claim my translation (attempts) to be error-free. As always, if you’re going to use or reference my translations, please do not claim it as your own and credit me.

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あなたはいつだって 自由に生きていて 気分屋なところ猫みたい 頭を撫でてくるその変わらない癖 ウザがるけど嫌いじゃないんだ

Anata wa itsu datte Jiyū ni ikiteite Kibunya na tokoro neko mitai Atama o nadete kuru sono kawaranai kuse Uzagaru kedo kirai janain da

You are always Living freely You have a moody temperament, like a cat That unchanging habit of stroking my head It annoys me but I don’t hate it

友達みたいにケンカして 言いたいこと言い合う関係

Tomodachi mitai ni kenka shite Iitai koto iiau kankei

We fight like we are friends A relationship where we can tell each other what we want to say 

シワができても大丈夫だから いつまでも綺麗だから 笑ってくれるだけで強くなる やっぱりすごいな あなたの笑顔は いつまで経っても子供ですよ 幸せですよ

Shiwa ga dekite mo daijobu dakara Itsumademo kirei dakara Waratte kureru dake de tsuyoku naru Yappari sugoi na anata no egao wa Itsu made tatte wo kodomo desu yo Shiawase desu yo

It is alright if you wrinkle, because You will always be beautiful in my eyes Just by making you smile makes me stronger And as I thought, your smile is incredible No matter how much time passes, I will continue to be your child And that makes me happy

あなたはいつだって 自由に生きていて 空を泳いでる鳥みたい 強がりでそのくせ本当は泣き虫で もうどちらが子供なんだか…

Anata wa itsu datte Jiyū ni ikiteite Sora o oyoideru tori mitai Tsuyogari de sono kuse hontō wa nakimushi de Mō dochira ga kodomo nandaka…

You are always Living freely Like a bird flying in the sky That habit of pretending to be tough, but you’re actually a crybaby Geez, who between the two of us is the child now…

友達みたいにふざけ合って 守りたい大切な存在

Tomodachi mitai ni fuzake atte Mamoritai taisetsu na sonzai

We joke with each other like we are friends You are an important existence I want to protect

白髪増えても大丈夫だから いつまでも綺麗だから 言葉をくれるだけで頑張れる やっぱりずるいな 母親ってやつは いつまで経っても見守ってて 約束ですよ

Shiraga fuete mo daijōbu dakara Itsu made mo kirei dakara Kotoba o kureru dake de ganbareru Yappari zurui na Hahaoya tte yatsu wa Itsu made tatte mo mimamottete Yakusoku desu yo

It is alright if your hair turns gray, because You will always be beautiful in my eyes Just by giving me your words makes me do my best As I thought, you are unfair Someone who is known as a mother No matter how much time passes, I will watch over you That I promise you

これからも元気でいて あなたの“幸せ”が幸せ

Kore kara mo genki de ite Anata no “shiawase” ga shiawase

Stay happy and well from now on Your “happiness” is happiness itself

シワができても大丈夫だから いつまでも綺麗だから 笑ってくれるだけで強くなる やっぱりすごいな あなたの笑顔は いつまで経っても子供ですよ 幸せですよ

Shiwa ga dekite mo daijobu dakara Itsumademo kirei dakara Waratte kureru dake de tsuyoku naru Yappari sugoi na anata no egao wa Itsu made tatte wo kodomo desu yo Shiawase desu yo

It is alright if you wrinkle, because You will always be beautiful in my eyes Just by making you smile makes me stronger And as I thought, your smile is incredible No matter how much time passes, I will continue to be your child And that makes me happy

#honeyworks #LIPxLIP #aizou #omoiai #hahaoya tte #lipxlip translation #'your happiness is happiness itself' #i bawled my eyes out tl-ing this #bc i feel the same way too towards my parents #and im beyond lucky that i have them in my life #aizou has the perfect name he's love itself

[eepybogboy]

did a round of eye swaps this weekend! it's the most ive done all at once, and i gotta say, i do not recommend it. by the time i got new eyes in these four, my hands were begging me to stop, so poor Priscilla sat eyeless for a while. but I'm really happy with the results!

let me walk you through the process a bit.

i used this guide to help decide which eyes i wanted to use.

this all started because i wanted Daria's eyes for Zooey.

Daria's eyes don't match her color scheme at all, and this has always bothered me about her. they stand out too much, and its jarring. but that minty blue and pale pink are Zooey's colors exactly, it would complete her alien vibe perfectly.

but, unfortunately, Zooey and Daria have different eye chips. Daria has the Twins eye chip, which has four pegs to keep it in place in the socket, and Zooey has the newer B2 chip, which has only two prongs. i was worried that Daria's eyes wouldnt fit in Zooey's head, so i prepared a backup donor: Simone.

Simone has the CNY eye chip, first introduced in Lily Cheng, the Special Edition doll for the Chinese New Year in 2022. this eye mold is more similar to the B2 eyes since it also has only two prongs, so if Daria's eyes didnt sit right in Zooey, these might be a better fit. the colors arent as perfect, but it could work.

except that Darias eyes fit Zooey perfectly. she looks so cute! now her eyebrows are even more out of place, but I'll get to that later.

i had already taken out Simone's eyes to compare the two, so she was given Zooey's eyes.

i was blown away by how incredible she looks! so soft and sweet. i was fond of her before, but she's crawled up into my top ten faves with this one alteration.

now, i was going to give those eyes to Daria, but they obviously belong to Simone now. Daria still needs brown eyes though, so i brought out a more fitting donor for her: Priscilla. she has the same color eyes as Zooey, but in the Twins eye chip.

perfect for ms. Daria, much more natural. it's just what she needed.

now, i wasn't intending to bring Minnie into this, but her eyes are a bit unusually dark, and i had Simone's eyes sitting there.. and well. i already had the hair dryer out.

honestly? a serve. she has B2 eyes originally, like Zooey, so the lashes are Just under her eyelid but they still fit her sculpt pretty well.

at this point, my hands were aching, and i had worn a blister into my thumb, so i had to take a break. Pris was going into the stock box anyway, so there was no pressure to finish her, but the next day i came back and gave her Minnie's eyes for safekeeping.

she looks a little sleepy, but overall pretty cute. she probably won't stay this way because she's going into the potential custom pile, but its fine for now.

look at these four and how perfect they are!! Zooey and Daria came out exactly how i planned, but i am still so shook by how beautiful Simone is now. i just cant stop looking at her.

I'll be reblogging to add more photos, including side by side comparisons to the stock photos since tungle will only let me post 10 pictures at a time

#or is it 12? idk theres a limit though #im very pleased with my work but the tips of my thumbs are just numb now. #i really recommend wearing some sort of gloves if youre going to do this #just because the plastic has to be Hot and you wont realize your fingers are burning until theyre already burned #maybe like a cheap winter glove or a gardening glove #rubber/vinyl/latex gloves are probably too thin to actually help #I've done other eye swaps before just never this many at a time #i was feeling crafty i guess #well i was mostly looking at daria and zooey and Wishing. and then i remembered i could fix them #and again #zooey still doesnt look like this anymore #i took off her brows later #and she looks AWESOME #photos coming soon. #also more pics of simone because shes perfect. #my dolls #dolls #rainbow high #shadow high #rainbow high collection #rainbow high collector #doll collector #dollblr #doll custom #custom doll #doll mods #doll customization #rh #doll #rainbow high doll

[daisywords]

rereading Fairest bc I have my own copy now (yay $2.50 at a used bookstore!) and so far it's as lovely as I remember

but anyway I do like how Aza's "ugliness" is characterized by people actually treating her badly because of it. People talk about the stereotype of YA protagonists being like "oh poor me I'm so ugly" in an attempt to make them relatable but the narrative actually treats them like they are gorgeous and every character that isn't a villain finds them attractive.

Vs. here it's like. yeah her self perception is all tied up in cultural ideas of beauty and she's definitely not objective either, and a lot of what she thinks is inherent to her ugliness is all wrapped up her related social anxiety, etc.

but! It's very refreshing to see a book that deals so much with beauty standards actually commit to it! It's not like she's just vain and obsessed with looks! You can tell she wants to be beautiful because she wants to be treated like a person! The way it is just that blatant! Most people are rude to her or ignore her! And she makes it worse in her head and compounds the problem by letting her own insecurity draw attention to herself, but at the end of the day, she's right! People would treat her better if she looked different!

The details that we get about her appearance are not even "ugly" traits, either! Like we get the pale skin, black hair, red lips combo pulled directly from the traditional Snow White fairy tale, where those traits are supposed to be beautiful and desirable! But in this culture, apparently those traits are a part of her ugliness, which just perfectly highlights how the beauty standards are inherently arbitrary! And yet! They affect her life in real ways! It doesn't matter much how we, the reader, picture her; we believe that she is ugly because people treat her like she is!

Anyway I especially love how her insecurity regarding her size is portrayed. The combo of feeling small and meek and timid on the outside but being large and imposing on the outside. She feels like she takes up too much space. She doesn't want to wear anything at all attention grabbing. She doesn't know what to do with her limbs. Her biggest fear about demonstrating her magical singing trick is that she would have to show people how she moves her stomach (the horror!)

anyway everyone ever should read Fairest. I could write 12.5 dissertations on it. fantasy books for 12-year-old girls are the most serious fiction in the world actually

#gail carson levine #fairest #daisyreads #anyway what I'm saying is there's a reason why I kept coming back to this book as a very shy girl with a large frame #ough the way her sister is like ''and your eyes are gorgeous'' #the kind of conditional compliments. and they way people including her family that loves her acknowledge the pragmatic aspects #like yeah let's have you avoid the customer facing tasks. you could get famous with your singing if you were better looking #anyway. like being told irl when trying on clothes ''well what matters is if you feel confident'' #thanks! that's what you say to ugly people! #(for the record I do not think I'm particularly ugly. I am pretty average imo) #but I do think that I would be perceived differently in a lot of ways if I were prettier! (and smaller! oof) #and it's nice to have that acknowledged as a real thing in fiction #instead of assuring us that the protag isn't perfect looking but giving her all the pretty privileges anyway #wow I had more to say abt this than i thought lol

[skys-archive]

My favorite moment in all of httyd rtte is in S3 E8 "Stryke Out" when Hiccup finally gets free from the holding area for the fighting dragons and says "This. Ends. Now!" And the music immediately crescendos as the wild dragons he's spent the episode befriending fly out from behind him to help Toothless and Sleuther

It just makes me so happy

(More in depth about this episode is in the tags but silly lighthearted is what I wanted originally)

#this entire episode has always been one of my favorites #toothless like almost reverting to a wild dragon when hes scared and put in danger #only to have him stop when he sees the FEAR in sleuthers eyes as hes jumping for the killing blow #sleuther closing his eyes in acceptance #the parallels between toothless and hiccup as they prepare to kill something theyre so deathly terrified of #but ultimately is just as scared as they are and just as fucked up my the system #i have a lot of feelings #i love httyd #my perfect show in so many ways #httyd #how to train your dragon #httyd rtte #rtte #hiccup horrendous haddock iii #httyd toothless #triple stryke #sleuther

[taxinealkaloids]

my take on the agnes/gertrude/elias situationship is that gertrude seems like the most normal one to outsiders (she's less prone to arson/creepy mind reading at inopportune moments), but she is still the archivist and therefore kind of eldritch. everyone in the institute has just sort of accepted that yes, the archivist does sleep with her eyes open/is muttering incantations, and it's the least weird thing she's done this week

ok the funny thing is, technically, if by "most normal" we're going off of who is the most human, Gertrude is the normal one. but I don't believe for a second that that's how she's perceived among the rest of the archive staff lmao. like...all her assistants wind up dead, she actively works to make sure her filing system is the least effective one possible, she takes random mysterious vacations and comes back looking like she's just gone ten rounds with a tornado...I absolutely think that Gertrude has the reputation of being the eccentric on staff. I've prepared this diagram to illustrate my point:

#asks #tma #my art #thanks for your ask!! you're absolutely right that there isn't really a 'normal' one out of the three of them lol #'does your elias design have glasses or not lani' the answer to that is that he has glasses if im having trouble #drawing his face without them #my jonah has glasses 100% of the time so uh lets say he was myopic originally and his sight got better when he aligned himself with the eye #so he doesnt NEED them anymore but after wearing them for so long he kinda liked how he looked in them #and sometimes they add something to a look yknow #(i wear glasses and i actually think i look better in them i would miss them if my eyes suddenly were perfect) #so he sometimes still wears them. and if he doesnt feel like it everyone else just assumes hes got contacts in that day #ANYWAY that is irrelevant to the content of this ask. uh i think gertrude being weird and scary and never seeming to do her actual job is a #running joke among archives staff. like they make up potential crazy things gertrude could be doing right now whenever she's late or #on vacation (they could never come up with anything wilder than what she's REALLY doing)

[softpine]

oh god i'm spiraling thinking about how this is going to make elaine feel after she hears asa did this as soon as she dropped him off! and beth and cara? danny and casper? stevie maybe being the one to find him?? IM LOSING IT

seriously i feel so bad for elaine, she has the least context of anyone in this situation. all she knows is that asa was acting weirder than normal and very secretive, then she takes him home and within hours he takes his life. she'll be rethinking everything he told her that day, i mean he literally said “If I can’t help anyone, then… I don’t know why I’m even here. I don’t know how much longer I can stand to be so useless.” she's going to feel so guilty :(

beth, who has been battling with herself over whether she should let asa be a normal kid with privacy and agency, and who only just convinced caroline to ease up on him a little. and cara??? this is quite literally her worst fear:

danny and casper, who both chose to pursue something for themselves instead of putting their family first like they always have in the past, who are terrified of being far away when their family needs them.

stevie, who convinced asa to look for finn in the first place, and who already has guilt over the way she froze up and watched a woman die because she couldn't jump into action quickly enough. stevie, who will have to be the one to intercept asa's parents at the door if the paramedics haven't gotten there yet.

jada, who we aren't sure how much she saw or knows yet, but the sheer amount of guilt she has weighing her down is already so so heavy. i can't even imagine how responsible she would feel for potentially being unable to save her best friend since the literal day he was born.

and finn??? the real kicker for me is that finn would/will be horrified when he finds out what asa put his family through, all for him. he got upset when asa did something as innocuous as burning family pictures, because asa's family loves him so much and he hates that asa has put such a strain on their relationship because of finn.

but i hope i've made it clear enough that this isn't really about finn. asa hasn't been cycling through antidepressants and seeing countless doctors since he was 12 for no reason; he genuinely does struggle with severe depression, losing finn was just the last straw. asa's ability to see ghosts has caused him so much pain over the years, but finn alone made it worth the heartache. without him, he feels entirely helpless. he's surrounded by people every moment of every day, but he can't connect with a single one of them. so while his motivation here may not have been to die and stay dead, i also can't say that he had a clear enough mind to be worried about the emotional impact this would have on the people around him. he knows that if caroline found his body, she would never recover from that, but even that is only a short-term consequence – he's not thinking about how his loved ones will feel in a week or a year or the rest of their lives. i can't really fault him for that. but the whole thing is fucking tragic :(

#personal vent incoming: #i wrote this whole story arc in my notes while i was in a good place mentally #but for the past month i've been.. not good lol #so talking about this is a little bit difficult but it's also cathartic? and eye opening #when you're that deep in depression it's honestly impossible to care about the future consequences of your actions #it's hard to explain but it feels like there IS NO future for anyone. there's only this moment right this second #it really feels like you're fighting for your life in your own mind and it's all happening RIGHT NOW. not tomorrow. not next week. #so... this was the perfect time for me to be reminded that people do care and there WILL be a tomorrow #and sometimes i need a little bit of tough love #someone once told me that suicide is like multiplying your pain and handing it out to everyone you love. that has always stuck with me #so if i sound like i'm going too hard on asa (or too soft idk) it's only because i've been there #asks #anonymous #nonsims #brandi answers #suicide tw

[s0fter-sin]

youth by daughter is 09 soap in mw3, bitter and defeated after losing ghost, talking to 22 soap who’s so hopeful and secretly in love with his lieutenant

#just mw3 soap being broken after losing his entire team as well as ghost #talking to 22 soap who still has everything and is so full of love it almost makes 09 sick with grief #its a blend of him talking to 22 soap and almost warning him #‘and if youre still breathing youre the lucky ones. cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs’ #‘and if youre still bleeding youre the lucky ones. cause most of our feelings they are dead and they are gone’ #‘well ive lost it all im just a silhouette’ #‘and if youre in love then you are the lucky one cause most of us are bitter over someone. setting fire to our insides for fun #to distract our hearts from ever missing them. but im forever missing him’ #as well as him talking to his ghost #‘shadows settle on the place that you left. our minds are troubled by the emptiness’ #‘destroy the middle its a waste of time. from the perfect start to the finish line’ #‘my eyes are damp from the words you left ringing in my head when you broke my chest’ #theres a fic by m1ckstar i think? something like that #about soap worshipping price and him just slowly losing it after he comes back and breaks his perception of him as a god #and mourning ghost at the same time #and i never shouldve read bc fuck if it didnt hurt #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #talk to me ghost #soapghost #ghostsoap #09 soapghost #09 soap #09 ghost #soap cod #soap mactavish #ghost cod #simon ghost riley #we’re a team. ghost team

[tinswag]

Thinking about this severely underrated [and current disaster] ship....

#runescape #rs3 #azzanadra #wahisietel #azzywahi #myart #man....i feel like wahi is azzys actual perfect companion but azzy is too dumb to notice #and just kept going along with sliske for 1000 years lmao #i feel like wahi is level headed and logical enough to keep azzy grounded post ascension #also cares about him as a friend with no ulterior motive at all #like come on az...open your eyes and go apologize to wahi for ignoring him before i actually start throwing hands on wahis behalf auuuugh

[zytes]

strange wind

#this is p tame in comparison to most of what I do #but this field and the sky really deserve to just be shown as is #or well - with a few subtle changes to make things a tiny bit unreal #spent a great deal of replacing the horizon with something ominously flat; was already p flat but I clipped it FLAT #then painted-in a few stalks that breach the threshold and cross into the sky slightly. all fake - just like all photography is #and the reg color edits and sharpening of course #so nothing crazy. but this is a few hours of dedicated effort and many many many passes. still don’t think it looks perfect. #but I don’t expect anyone to notice unless they’re chronic like me or they read the tags #and if you’re reading these tags: hello! I hope you doubted your eyes and it brought you here to the Context Zone #it should become obvious once you’ve become aware of the change - could’ve buried it under a layer of film grain but was feeling frisky #my art #aesthetic #art #artwork #internetcore #abstract #artists on tumblr #photography #original photography #nature #midwest aesthetic #nature photography #landscape

[imminent-danger-came]

Someone stop me I am this (🤏this) close to making an emo SWK edit

#idk why but this feels like a step. A line that once I cross I will never be able to uncross #Like can I really make an emo edit for the legos. Can I #If you haven't watched the show & opened your 3rd eye it's like. Well why is that person making a sad edit over some legos #And it's like noooooooooooooooooooo hahaha you have to understand #It's a lego tragedy you have to believe me #Once you start seeing lego media as it's own separate medium you truly become enlightened #Legos are one way to tell a story. #A perfect way to tell a familiar tale....to a new audience... #and it's like....we're comforted by those familiar tales of friendship and courage and hope... #Why are you walking away I'm right. I'M RIGHT #imp tag #lmk #lego monkie kid

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

my souheki warriors kill this gacha video now

#guys guys guys dazai literally admires him and looks at super deduction with awe in his eyes and gets so excited when he gets to explain why #ranpos special. because ranpo is a normal human whos exceptionally smart!!! #and he thinks thats so fucking COOL that he calls him the strongest member of the agency do you GET IT #AND AND AND #this is more like speculative and my own opinion but. dazai someone whos been considered isolated BECAUSE of his intellect being able to #converse with ranpo and plan shit do you understand that #ranpo may not be able to get him in the way chuuya does but he is a perfect example of it getting BETTER. that someone can be so deeply #admired and wholeheartedly cared for despite how differently they see things and shit #theres also the sort of way ranpo is the opposite of dazai in a sort of. ranpo externalized his feelings (the tism) and viewed the world as #full of monsters that knew something he didnt #but dazai internalizes that view and found himself lacking #both are very the tism #again thats all my own analysis and conclusion drawing of course #back to facts. RANPO GOING LIKE YEAH SURE WELCOME NEW GUY IN ENTRANCE EXAM #DAZAI TRUSTING HIM TO NEGOTIATE WITH BRAM IN THE PLAN TO KILL FYODOR. AND RANPO RUSHING TO DO THAT???? #GRATATATATATRARARRARA #also there has to be something very fun and relieving about talking and planning with someone who understands everything youre saying #anyway souheki they will never get u like i do im sorry that bitch did you like that #souheki #aethers rants

[fisheito]

Psssssssssst....

We all remember the legendary Soup-Powered Fuck Machine shirt.....

BUT HAVE YOU SEEN:

( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )♡

.......... ...............................................(◔◡◔)🧲

#my first reaction was to hide. do NOT LOOK AT MEEEEEEE #but that's not very true and beautiful of me. #so now it's halfeti sitting on the dock with a fishing rod and it's this tshirt being used as bait #i am moving toward it at an (expected) accelerated rate #eiden has this shirt in multiple versions #the only difference is the colour of the heart #you know. blue heart when he's hanging with ed. green with oli. #it's subtle . well.. it WOULD be subtle if eiden didn't rip open his jacket to reveal this tshirt with perfect comedic timing #every single time. #and nobody can read it indeed!!! except for ... maybe oli (extreme language knower) or. interdimensional kuya #not that young master has a purple version of this shirt so the old fox feels simultaneously relieved AND excluded #(young master DOES have a purple version of the shirt. it's just never been seen in public) #thank you for delivering this to my eyes. your meme throwment service is much appreciated #asks

[oatbugs]

oh my god ! haha . anyway a bit buzzed perhaps. anyway here's what happened on the date

#at some point i took the earrings off. the metal clanging was screaming their name too loud and it #was 6 knives to the throat and he confirmed it so. here's the kicker. you can be taught a lot and you can have their hands on your thighs #and you can kiss them but even if they pray even if they tell you about the bible looking into you like really they lost what they believed #in a pennsylvania countryside catholic schools with a protestant family since joining the london school of economics #even if they pray for you to stay the whole way even though their hair was softer than hers you think of her and he thinks of someone else #and be tells you none of it will make sense. they smile and they say what a shame you might miss the train but they hold onto you #the entirety of you - like a religion or a polite insistence or something to keep. #you learned they were used to losing everyone they felt bound to love. they said they got really good at letting go. you were told #you think he's being epistemologically #irresponsible and he tells you he carries a massive task. he tells you the responsibility is monumental #and he feels responsible for defining responsibility. he shows you songs and his poetry. my eyes feel on fire. #she doesnt know this. this is marylebone. the next station is edgeware road. everyone here looks happy and high and clear of the doors. #he says tell me when you get to the station and very especially tell me if you don't. the next station is paddington. please mind the gap #between the train and the platform. you say this to him. he says i minds the gap between you and i. i mind it so much that i need you to #come back. he says this because you kissed him briefly but you kissed him well. she says you're a good kisser but he says you have him #stunned. he asks you who decides the truth. he tells you you decide the truth without his mouth. you're fast enough to make it there before #the wheels do. this world is lit by glass and light and people with a pact to fall in love with the abstractions more than each other. #he tells you to be committed to your various intangible loves more than anyone. you both have to be. they love each other anyway. #i was supposed to find a persian poetry book with her on our fourth date except she was hours late. i found it with him. he didnt give up #he should be perfect and i should really like him.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

The way that the sun hits leaves and clouds. I feel like I could watch the colors change forever. If I could slow down for that long.

#i keep forgetting a have a deck now. i can go outside and sit there #im doing that now. sitting in the corner of a deck full of empty chairs. staring up at a big pine tree where the sun is striking it gold #at the top. i like how thr light hits the needles. if the sky was black it would look like its on fire #theres a tree outside my bedroom window too. in the morning. after the sunrises it catches thr light and refelcts the most perfect shade #of green. the kind of green that flutters translucent like youre looking up from the bottom of a pool. the light the light its all about #the sun. everything everything is about the sun. when i start my project I'll be focused on understanding how organisms catch the light bc #its so incredible and complicated it would make my chest swell to bursting if there wasnt an empty bleeding wound in my gut. a #metaphorical wound of course. i dunno. its just difficult bc right now my mood is inflated by hormones. not even that much i think I'm #just at what shoulf be a normal level of happiness so i can be slow for a minute. but just a minute bc i kno it won't last long #sorry i cant shut the fuck up when im like this but i dunno i just feel like i havr to document these ephemeral moments before they're gone #its just difficult when you kno the world is so full of beautiful things but 95% of the time your eyes are too clouded to see it #everyone tells me i work too much but i feel like im just staring off into space being miserable 60% of the time. ive just done so much #damage over the past few years im coming into a new lab as damaged goods. ive got an albatross around my neck in thr form of data i #collected so self destructively that the idea of having anything to do with its publication makes me hate myself. everytime someone tells #me good job on collecting so so so much data it feels like they're congratulating me for breaking something within myself. like i slit my #wrists and bled out on a lab bench and theyre saying good job and theyre excited for me and i have to grin and bear it and pretend im #excited too. but im not bc ive burned everything inside me to ash. so when im elevated enough to be distracted by the clouds and trees it #feels like healing. like seeing angels. beautiful ephemeral beams of light. i wish i could slow down enough to watch them. but now thr sun #is hitting the horizon and the sky is going gradually dark and i should go inside. bc i have many things to do in the morning. so that's #what ill do. and ill try to get more thsn 6hrs of sleep but its hard when your body is vibrating over with energy #but at least i dont feel tired in the morning. something in my head must be on fire #unrelated #hm i should maybe add a tw to this #tw self injury #but its the kind thst makes u good at ur Job. its the kind ppl reward. so they don't understand when u say its destroying ur life #but im trying to get better. i say as i gear up for an insane semester lol but i do mean it