#i choose suffer on my own will

[rhiannonsaintofcharm]

do you guys think that part of the reason Gideon’s death was so devastating to Harrow was that before then, there had at least been one person who survived the mass murder that created her? two hundred souls had been destroyed for her sake, but the annihilation wasn’t complete — there was one who escaped. one who lived. do you think Gideon dying, for the sake of Harrow living, snuffed out her one last glimmer of hope for absolution?

#she didn’t die for Harrow. but then she died for Harrow anyways #griddlehark #harrowhark nonagesimus #gideon nav #gtn #tlt #htn #thinking about that poll where it was like ‘who suffered more’ #‘Harrowhark Nonagesimus or Jesus Christ’ #and the answer was 94% Harrow #shoulda been 100%. #honestly it’s probably worse that Gideon got to CHOOSE to die for her #thinking about Harrow saying ‘I let her die’ because admitting Gideon made that choice was worse. #accepting that Gideon thought she was worth the sacrifice was worse #not to sound like Ianthe but I’m gonna rip my own arm off #txt #rhispeak #harrow: ‘it took eighteen years but I killed her just the same’

[wild-at-mind]

I would honestly call the left's inability to accomodate people with morality-based OCD compulsions an accessibility issue at this point.

#coming under this: black and white morality thinking! #constant guilting about posting on social media showing your true values and personality! #shitting on people for their alarm about protest suicide! (with bonus 'how dare you insinuite mental illness was a factor!') #glorification of making yourself suffer mentally by viewing uncensored war imagery in 'solidarity' for those suffering in war! #unquestioning acceptance of all of the above as good and right! #promoting the idea that the individual self is expendable and that focusing on yourself (even to survive) is a reflection of your character #seriously this website cares so much about mental health until suddenly it doesn't- fuck the left so much for this i'm so triggered by this #not to be graphic but if i ever take my own life and claim it is for activism- this is not out of the realm of possibility #i DO NOT want anyone to justify my decision with it being activism and indirectly encourage others to do the same #i want people to instead look at the kind of rhetoric that causes people to choose this as a way out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vegaseatsass]

DFF Finale

Alright alright alright that took me on a rollercoaster like some REAL high lows in that episode, I love an ambiguous ending but also I crave so much more closure owwwwwwww However for now I'm just coming to share my theory. Ever since this post pointed out that New hallucinated Non in his death t-shirt, I've been sitting on the idea that the Janta drugs have actual supernatural qualities. These aren't just any old hallucinogens New cooked up, they're a strain of a drug that serves a specific purpose for a death cult. So now that EVERYONE hallucinated Non in his death t-shirt, even though Tee is the only one who ever saw him in it, and it's highkey unlikely that he described the shirt Non was wearing to them at any time (and certainly not to New when he hallucinated Non wearing it years ago), I would like to propose the theory that the ghost of Non they see is a very real very true ghost, and the things he says to them are very real very true things. The "thank you" he gives New is not a figment of New's troubled mind, but what Non actually has to say to him, just like everything else he says to everyone else: their actions may be the product of their guilt, but Non is actually speaking his ghostly mind to each of them.

#which means his message to tee was like why the fuck didn't you let me DIE #the way you tried to help me just prolonged my suffering #but yeah :( #there's ambiguity about if anything we saw happen this ep actually happened which means EYE shall of course be living in delulu land #with picking and choosing my own ending hehe #and that means there's ambiguity with this of course #is new hallucinating forgiveness and closure to make his desperate actions have meaning and value #or is non actually grateful someone fought for him? #we just don't know! #but i want that tragic final hand touch to be real #so it is. to ME #dead friend forever #dff #dff spoilers #dff the series spoilers #dear diary

[lex-the-lesbiann]

my most controversial dndads take is probably that i think code purple was the right decision what who said that?!

#is this a safe space #like i get the whole “billions of innocent people are suffering because of it” thing dont get me wrong but like. #billions of innocent people were *already* suffering? #and to my understanding code purple was put in place to make it easier and faster for the kiddads #(the only people who are capable of making things better mind you) #to fix things?? #and also just me personally. #if i had to choose between two worlds to make endure The Horrors #im sure as FUCK not choosing the one that has ALL OF MY LOVED ONES AND *CHILDREN* LIVING ON IT #idk man #i feel like its very easy to judge them after the fact but we need to start looking at their decisions as being made by people who from #the age of 12-13 on had to live in a literal fucking apocalyptic setting #like you’d wanna get rid of that and especially you’d wanna save your own kids from having to live through that too #but its very possible im blinded by my love for lark and sparrow #and also i havent listened to recent episodes so i very well could be wrong on details so 🤷 #grain of salt or whatever #lark and sparrow #dndads #dungeons and daddies #dndaddies #sparrow oak garcia #sparrow oak swallows garcia #sparrow oak #lark garcia #lark oak garcia #lark oak #the oaks #kiddads

[lord-squiggletits]

Also I'm just gonna say that even if it were true that Rodimus was a """""true Prime"""" and Optimus wasn't, that isn't as much of an L for Optimus as people seemingly want it to be.

Like so you're telling me Optimus was never a chosen hero and the burden of the Matrix/leadership pained him morally, emotionally, and physically, yet he still survived 4 million years of war?

You're telling me he wasn't God's Designated Special Boy but he still tried his best to live up to that impossible ideal to the point of developing serious depression and suicidal ideation as a result of so much goddamn loneliness and self-doubt?

Optimus wasn't a "true Prime" and yet he still believed in ideals of reconciliation and ending the cycle of violence? He wasn't a true Prime but he still stayed on Cybertron trying to fix a broken, broken society while also trying to stop Earth from being invaded for a second time? He didn't even need to do that he could've just stayed in exile which he was originally supposed to do all along, and which he would've personally preferred?? You're telling me that Optimus wasn't Primus' Specialest Boy And Chosen Leader and yet he stepped into leadership anyways bc he perceived that there was injustice to be fixed??

Wow yeah I guess Optimus is just such an inferior leader, clearly his actual actions/moral character as person don't matter and his "worthiness" should be judged solely on whether the Magic Cybertronian 8 Ball liked him or not.

#squiggposting #idw op love #literally the more you deconstruct it the less sense it makes #ppl want rodimus to be Validated By Canon as being better than optimus soooo badly #i get it you cant like rodimus without shitting on optimus #however when you get canon wrong i can and will roast your theories #if optimus went thru everything he went thru but somehow still isnt worthy of the matrix #then what WOULD make him worthy??? like seriously #fighting to protect organic species from colonization didnt make him worthy? #trying to find diplomatic resolutions to a 4 mil year long blood feud isnt worthy enough? #doing all of this at the cost of great personal suffering to himself doesnt make him worthy?? #being willing to fight and imprison his own autobots for trying to break the peace wasnt enough? #becoming villified by most of earth/cybertron by forcing them to cooperate wasnt enough??? #optimus siding with the ultimate victim of cybertronian oppression and 'defeating him' by acknowledging his pain #isnt enough to make him worthy?? THEN WTF IS ENOUGH TO YOU PPL #nothing bc 'worthy of the matrix' is just code for 'validation of my fave' #and most of the ppl in this fandom dont even know OP did all of those things anywYs #also like MOST PEOPLE arent wielders of the matrix are they unworthy too??? #WHAT DO YOU MEAN WORTHINESS?? WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS ALLEGED WORTHINESS #ON THE MORAL AND THEMATIC FABRIC OF THIS STORY???? #literally idw optimus embodies the same values that rodimus does #it's all about love and forgiveness and building a better future and choosing kindness over violence #And if you dont get that optimus represents those just as much as rodimus did well #you prolly didnt read very closely lol

[sirenofthegreenbanks]

mongwoo playing baduk against the qing ambassador is . very symbolic. THEYRE GONNA TEAM UP IM CALLING IT. (she and the king.) they compliment each other incredibly well, were one has a weakness the other is strong. mongwoo is frankly shit at schemes when real people are involved, and the king is too laden by real-people events and a certain kind of viewpoint when playing baduk. he cant entirely free himself from the strategist he needs to be as the king of a court of vipers, making him worse at baduk than mongwoo. meanwhile mongwoo has the mental flexibility and freedom to see things from unsuspecting angles; she seems to have ingraved the baduk rules in her heart and is now applying them expertly. but a baduk board is different from a real country with real people; her stakes when playing were never big enough to carry that burden. but should they team up they could compliment each other‘s strengths and weaknesses and they could take advantage of mongwoo‘s unique position as a woman crossdressing as the king‘s favourite official. she can go to places the king cant. she has access to the common people, his countrypeople, in a way he hasnt and never will. if they apply their combined smarts, cunning, and good heartedness to handle the precarious situation with the qing things would start to take a turn

#my thoughts #ep9 #captivating the king #even though mongwoo is technically playing for her own freedom #it FEELS like more #so far she doesnt seem like shes spent much thought on any of these things #what happens after she has assassinated the king? #who will take over? who is going to suffer for it? how is that going to affect the fragile peace with the qing? #no thoughts head empty just personal revenge #shes a far cry from the woman who sold her baduk skills to free prisoners of war #who risked her own life for the things she believed in #i wonder whether she thinks this is still the same (it isnt) #shes so unhinged im honestly baffled #is she simply overestimating herself? #where does she take that confidence from? #is she aware this is not righteousness? #is the only one who is fooled by her lies she herself? #why would she choose to overthrow the government before talking to the king? #maybe to her this is not a political assassination or staging a coup #maybe its the murder of someone she once thought of as a friend #and who hurt and betrayed her #maybe she is not viewing the king as the king in this . maybe hes simply the person who disappointed her #and who happens to be the guy at the top of the social and political hierarchy #maybe everything else (power vacuum. infighting. political destabilization) is just collateral damage to her #maybe she thinks theyre gonna clean up her mess and everythings gonna go well #(is she stupid?) #maybe she has too much faith in her own judgement because she confuses this to be a game of baduk #reading & watching

[thecruellestmonth]

Normal Batman fans: I don't want to engage with parts of canon in which my fave is an abusive asshole. I choose to engage with other stories instead, and I ignore stories that I dislike.

Nasty toxic Batman fans: Ooh, Bruce is being totally gross again, don't mind if I do~

Good Dad Bruce™ stans: Yes, I fully acknowledge that every single one of Bruce's kids is deeply—at times suicidally—traumatized by his parenting failures in canon, but he is NOT a bad parent! Bruce LOVES his family. Sometimes COMPLICATED PARENTS make their children feel WORTHLESS and ISOLATED, and then don't do anything to fix it! It's totally NATURAL, Bruce is just a COMPLICATED parent! He's COMPLICATED! Bruce LOVES his family. COMPLICATED, I say! NOT ABUSIVE! Would an abusive parent put a hand on his child's shoulder in a vague display of warmth once every few years??? Hm??? Yeah, I DIDN'T THINK SO, YOU STUPID ABUSE VICTIMS!! Bruce LOVES his family. He does nice things—why are you ignoring all the nice things that he's done? He is just an IMPERFECT person, he has made some teeny tiny mistakes repeatedly with 5+ separately acquired children over a twenty-year period. Bruce is just a regular IMPERFECT human being—which means that you critics are the UNREASONABLE MONSTERS imposing PERFECTIONIST standards on a poor innocent middle-aged baby adult man! Bruce LOVES his family. How could we expect exceptionally privileged hyperintelligent parents NOT to regularly use their position of power to make 4-6 children feel inadequate, unsafe, and alone?? What ridiculously high standards! Bruce LOVES his family.

#I hope you impressionable youngsters are learning the warning signs of abusive families and cults during your time in this fandom. #Bruce Wayne hate club #COMPLICATED PARENT BRUCE WAYNE #You know I personally like my own cobbled version of Bruce Wayne too. I like to ignore canon as I please. #But some of you stans work overtime to come up with the cruelest most hurtful insensitive and vomit-inducing IGNORANT opinions about abuse. #So eager to sanitize decades of a grown rich white male hero living his power fantasy on the backs of vulnerable and traumatized kids #--in your zeal to make sure that the world's most popular superhero doesn't suffer a whisper of criticism-- #you choose to echo the excuses given to powerful people who use their power to hurt and control smaller people. #'He is complicated—' His behavior is abusive. #'He didn't intend to—' He did something abusive. #'But he LOVES his family!' He is an abusive piece of shit and he needs to do better. #'Well he is just an imperfect human—' Nobody is asking him to be perfect. Not everyone perpetuates abuse and refuses to change. #'But you have to understand that he had a very terrible childhood.' Every single one of his kids has had an inarguably worse childhood. #'Hm. That version of Bruce really is an abusive asshole. My homebrew isn't and he wouldn't do that.' DING DING DING! WINNER WINNER! 🥳👑👑👑 #'Bruce is an abusive asshole. He is the perfect meow meow for my fiction about toxic families and dark themes.' YES. YOU WIN. 💗👏👏👏😘😘😘 #IMPERFECT PARENT BRUCE WAYNE #negativity #fandom discourse #anti Bruce Wayne #child abuse mention cw #The funny thing is that this blog discusses Jason Todd the most but I'd say he probably suffered the least abuse. #At least he's a villain. What is Bruce's excuse for the way he mistreats and neglects the others?

[randomositycat]

In love with the moon and moon dynamic they have really... neither of them are especially extroverted and have secrets aplenty,

They hardly say what they mean but are consice when doing so anyways.

It's nice.

#the apothecary diaries #jinmao #i love tropes but do you know what i love more than tropes? #dynamics that cater to me specifically as a weird individual with a twisted view on romance #i love romance but i love it twice as much when its non traditional #when they suffer for and from each other #im always told to let my ocs be happy but simply how could i? #if love is a battlefield then why should your lover strictly be on your side #i think overcoming betrayal is a good way to instill a deep yet tentative trust with someone #why? well you know exactly what this person can do to hurt you #you can have an idea of what may be the worst #and yet you have the trust that maybe theyll never do it again #but to me it reinforces the fact that love is devotion and not just a feeling #choosing to love despite hardship just speaks levels to me #“after all of that after all youve done to me and i still love you” is so good #i wrote it into one of my own oc stories so i think im just biased :) #maybe im brainwashed bc so many married couples seem to hate each other but they wont get divorced so #idk #i genuinely think the way i view love and romance is skewed and broken but oh well! #i like it better this way! #complex relationships make my brain itch

[belboed]

collapses and dies

#rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt fanart #tcesters stay FAR away from me i wish endless suffering upon every single one of you #tcest dni #fanart #donnie rottmnt #leo rottmnt #mikey rottmnt #screenshot redraw #ignore how the first one is so wonky i didn’t want to fix it #fuck perspective i choose my own destiny #guys donnie got braces good for him! :D

[qualityrain]

ik hny is abt satoko and her (lack of) autonomy but damn isnt it depressing to see her constantly being pressured to do something she doesnt really want to do over and over and the way she just kind of follows peoples plans like the whole time its her family then shinpei then kotaro then mitsueda and then asagiri and now asagiri wants to take something from her that to satoko losing it is worse than death and its like man. and the worst thing is that shes doing all this complying to peoples plans just so she can go back home and follow somebody elses. tachibana give her a break im begging you

#claude txt #not to bring this back to romance and shit but like yk what. maybe it is important satoko realises her feelings #on her own. #even if there is pressure. from like asagiri. for it. #she goes yk what im doing this on my own terms im writing a letter #and she realises her feelings on her own #that she chooses to keep it to herself until it is time #because yeah kotaro is lile shes naive and stuff and she is or whatever #but the facr rhat she chooses for herself despite yk kotaro. #all this to say yk that song by mitski that is like my love is mine all mine #yeah. satoko. #good god thats the only thing she chooses and fully owns herself #yk what tachibana take all her pain and give it to shinpei or something please #shinpei whump i crave it #lord shinpei rlly is the only thing she ever really chooses for her own self huh that she will #ignore tamakis advice she will ignore asagiri she will ignore kotaro and she will do this herself #its 2am i have to wake uo at 6am tmr for work pray for me #in 9 when satoko is like damn shinpei doesnt know shit abt love but i onow even less! girl i think u know more than him 💀 im sorry girl #man. shinpei would ask her constantly if she still likes him and shit and she will dodge that shit like crazy #because shinpei doesnt rllt care…all he needs is the Bare Bare Bare Minimum… #so satokos just free to dodge all the love questions w/o consequence and figure it out herself #tachibana. please. take all her pain and give it to mitsueda or something. #please. Please. #not enough shinpei suffering in hny i think (ik hes so messed up alr) #do it for me. i want him suffering. #please just let satoko be happy for once w/o strings attached

[aarix]

why do you remove image-ID captions when you reblog?

I'm sorry that my 20-follower personal shitposting blog, which I curate according to my own tastes for nobody's enjoyment but my own, does not meet your standards :( but if you like image captions and alt-text you should go check out my art blog :)

#this is the second ask you've sent me idk what u want from me man #Also isn't it a funny coincidence that this big push for alt-text has occurred juuuust in time for the AI uprising. #I'm only half-serious but it's my pet conspiracy theory #anyway if you are a follower & earnestly are concerned about accessibility why not message me off anon #in the more likely event you're some random fucker who just wants 2 be smug & passive-aggressive. do you need a hug #if you want the earnest answer: i wasn't aware I was removing them specifically but I do tend to nix captions which aren't useful/funny 2 m #I agree that accessibility for all is a good goal everywhere #however... my personal shower does not have a hand rail. #if you require a shower with a hand rail you can use the other shower in this house. which does have one. #we have two showers in this house and you should choose the one you're most comfortable in #the water's the same in both; you need not go unshowered NOR suffer needlessly in mine :) #this isn't just a metaphor btw those are the literal ablution solutions in the place I'm renting rn #i'm flattered that you think my content is so unique and unmissable. but there are other blogs out there which make a point of image IDs... #i don't think it's a moral failing to not have a handrail installed in your own shower. a public shower? that's different. #but my blog is not a public shower. do you get me. #it's just for me and (secondarily) my 20 followers

[gaykingslayer]

You know you should probably give up on writing when panic productivity isn't on your side anymore

#actually spend 7+ hours writing a creative writing assignment just for it to be no joke the actual worst thing I've ever written #i deleted it all and am rewriting it i won't suffer the humiliation of having to read actual trash out loud over a zoom call #it was only 589 words #THIS THING HAD TO BE DONE TODAY #nothing is making me write anymore im quitting and becoming a monk (have been staring at a word document with 50 words for over an hour) #waving my angry fist like an angry old man at a course I willingly choose to do out of my own consenty consent #mine #my text #oh the good old days when i was 13 and could write 5k in 7 hours

[itspileofgoodthings]

Season 1 and 2 Steve Harrington Meta

(nothing new to see here, just working through my own thoughts—better late than never!)

Thinking about the way Steve’s season 1 and 2 journey is about being kicked out of the nest of popularity, so to speak, by the choices he makes. he wants better than just holding on to his center-stage popularity and in looking for and pursuing that something better he loses his place and his status with such matter-of-fact ordinariness. And it’s shockingly good. In my Steve Harrington Blindness Era (the reason I’m writing about season 2 so much later) I only sort of half-watched his season 2 arc with Dustin and the kids and everybody seemed to love it so much (and it annoyed me so much that they did lol) and I sort of let that “Steve is the Mom Friend!” excitement and rhetoric cloud how actually rich and deep and funny and unsentimental and TRUTHFUL that arc is. Steve is suddenly stuck with all these kids but not as a main player anymore. Dustin likes him but Dustin’s also like “I’m the one in charge in this relationship” it’s absolutely not a hero-worship thing. And they end up having a great push and pull dynamic where Steve is not just bossed around but my point is—he goes from being King Steve to … backup. To doing the more thankless parts of being an adult, a babysitter. He has to keep them safe without any particular personally compelling reason to do so. He doesn’t know any of them personally, none of them are his siblings’ friends, they’re just his (currently not speaking to him, doesn’t love him) girlfriend’s brother’s gang and socially speaking none of them really care about who he is, it’s THEIR show (ha) and they run it! And if he’s going to be part of this group he has to take a thorough backseat. That would be a blow to any high school kid’s ego—a fragile thing—because it’s just the absolute shattering of the whole social world order that IS their entire life. And Steve is very funny and iconic in that role with his hands on his hips and his dish towel over his shoulder calling them all little shitheads. But all the excitement generated by that is fan furor that doesn’t extend to the inside of the show. In the actual world of the show nobody really cares. The kids don’t really listen to him or respect him; they don’t pay attention to him. He gets beat up by Billy in defense of those kids and instead of that being acknowledged as the heroic act that that is things keep happening, it’s kind of lost in the shuffle, and then he discovers that his girlfriend has actually left him. The hits just don’t stop coming.

And it’s a playing out of what happens at the end of season 1 but this time without the happy ending for him. This time that choice to fall off the path of popularity for the sake of something else, to let himself be socially de-centered because of the choices that he makes and swept up into a role that isn’t his by temperament or established status, leads to nothing except bruises and being left out in the cold. The choice he makes to go back into the Byers’ house at the end of season 1 is so important and beautiful, a real turning point where he cements his leaving of Tommy and Carol and Status so that he can help be part of the real action of the story. But the real consequences of that choice don’t set in until season 2. In choosing to care about people more than his own popularity, in choosing to de-center himself for love, he becomes vulnerable. He becomes Nancy’s in a way he wasn’t before; because now he no longer has his power and status and Pack of Friends as his context and support and backup, to keep him company when she’s gone. It’s just her. And season 2 plays out that fragility to the bitter ending. Nancy has a lot going on internally and externally; the relationship is not her focus and quickly becomes not her priority. She isn’t happy, she’s struggling, she’s in pain and she also just doesn’t want him anymore. She hasn’t made the same step towards him he’s made towards her. And I’m not debating right now whether she’s right or wrong about that but the point is—she withdraws from him and Steve is left with nothing. In season 2 he is faced with the same choice, walk into danger or away from it, help or run and hide, but this time there isn’t anyone or anything that he personally, specifically, cares about on the other side of that. He has to step up for goodness’s sake alone for a bunch of kids, again, he doesn’t really know against literal monsters. And there’s no context that helps make that choice easier, that draws on already established social bonds or family love etc. He has to choose on his own very quickly what kind of person he’s going to be and he’s going to have to be that person without expecting any kind of reward for it. And he gets no reward! There is no sitting on the couch with Nancy in his Christmas sweater ending for him. Everything crashes down on him with astonishing brutality and once the evil is defeated and the gate closed that doesn’t actually change much for him personally. Steve doesn’t go to the Snow Ball dance even the way the other kids his age do, even just to help; he has no place there anymore. Even the show is not paying attention to his fall from grace that much because he isn’t the center.

And the point of all of this is that it’s so beautiful the way he responds to these new circumstances created in many ways by his choices. Because he makes the best of it! He isn’t bitter. He lets Nancy go, he doesn’t command the kids’ worship (not that he would have succeeded but he could have tried and most kids in his position would have) and is a real friend to Dustin by helping him with his older kid advice and tips and support and also by letting Dustin run the show. By not letting his ego get in the way and trying to overpower Dustin with his older kid powers. He doesn’t even hate Jonathan. He is fallen completely out of the only social sphere he’s ever had, he’s alone in a very real and very new and very scary way, he has no power, little support, no appreciation. And he just takes what he has and makes the best of it. And it’s Character-defining, character-creating. The best and most surprising journey.

#stranger things #steve harrington #anyway I know we’re all past celebrating this season 2 moment. But I missed it at the time #Basically Steve’s journey is the cs lewis quote about how to love is to be vulnerable. #and to be open to the suffering it causes #Steve Suffers a lot as a result of love #and he lets it change him. can’t wait to watch season 4 #this is badly written sorry it’s 4 am I know I repeat myself a lot #My meta glory days are over but I still have to write it #in my own learning how to not live in the center/choose to be good despite the social rewards for it era t b h #(doing it much less graciously and generously than he does though)

[blacksails2017]

once again using this as a public diary but. have a conundrum where I really need more money bc now that my data entry job has gone radio silent on when we can expect to get more work (I heard from a friend who's higher up in the company that they're running low on money and had to fire some ppl so who knows when that will be) I have to really on uber eats for 2/3 of my income and that would require doing it so so much and I really don't want to unless I have to. so that leaves finding a part time job but then that means I won't have the 100% flexibility to be available for when I get asked onto productions.

and the idea of having to miss an entire project bc I have work a day job for just one of the shoot days is so annoying. bc I'm just starting out I have to say yes to everything and meet as many people as possible and if I say no to someone then I'm worried they'll never ask me again and I would have missed out on future work from them and people I could potentially meet on that set.

also like. I just miss having a consistent job where I can socialize w people and the vibes are good.

#I seriously lucked out w getting jobs where I can choose my own schedule it was a matter of time b4 that would no longer work #anyways. found a part time job that is only open 6am-12pm and closed on sundays that's stocking a plant / craft store and I'm going to appl #and I really hope I get it. but is this a mistake should i just wait it out #like fr work is going to be picking up so soon so maybe I should just suffer the next couple of months #and count on being able to make enough #whateverrr Im just being dramatic I can take 6 months of only doing weekend shoots

[histoires-en-bouteille]

I had an thought earlier today while doing a picrew of Ava

I haven't shared images, "pictures" of Ava or Todd here, but you may remember that Ava has white hair, and you may have guessed from the desert snipper that Ava always dress in full-black outfits. Todd, while dressing similarly, does have a few things in his outfits that make him stand out; including his jacket. While Ava's is completely black, Todd's jacket is leather brown - darker because of time, it's worn out, but it's still visibly brown. It's the most obvious feature for anyone who see the two accross the street: Ava is the shadow, dark mass with a white patch - her hair; Todd is somehow more appealing - more human-like. Brown jacket, brown hair, not always wearing gloves, more likely to smile.

But mostly, brown jacket. It's important to him, he got it as a gift from his mother, and nothing could make him part from it.

Nothing, except maybe one thing. One person.

He only told her once how important that jacket was to him. How much it meant to have it gifted to him, to own it and wear it, how it helped him thorugh the darkest moments, the bloodiest nights. He told him all of that while they were fighting - more than a week of silence followed that argument.

She never forgot. He never talked about it again.

Until he did. IT had to do with Ava's jacket being torn, or something of the kind, and her admitting that it was nothing more than fabric, that she could replace it and not care much.

"Take mine." he had said.

"Come on now."

"Ava, I'm serious," he had nodded, taken off the jacket, "take it. It's yours."

And she, her usual, brutal self, had declined.

"Keep that shit to yourself. You know what I always say about that thing."

They were masters of double meaning and subtle hints. But sometimes, frankness was the only option.

"Yeah I know, but I don't care, I'm giving it to you anyway. It's yours now, no taking back."

And she had rolled her eyes, and he had given her the finger. Even after all these years, he could always find a way to reach her. He could always bring warmth to that cold, cold heart.

"Whatever. You'll have to keep wearing it for now, because I still have a jacket, and you clearly have none to replace this one. Plus-"

"-brown suits me more? Hard agree on that."

And there it was. A smile, shy, but genuine and amused. His was always brighter. He was the brighter one. The touch of colour in a world full of darkness.

She pretended not to hear what he said after - the mere thought of it would twist her stomach and she hated it.

_

But the inevitable must happen. She couldn't change his fate.

_

Sitting on the edge of the hole she had just dug, staring mindlessly in the emptiness, she could hear the sentence again and again and again, repeating itself like a twisted curse.

"When I'll die, you'll be able to wear it. I won't be here anymore to tell you not to stain it. You'll do with it whatever you want."

And she would stare, finally, at that bloody jacket.

Literally, bloody jacket. Covered in dark red stains, one that wouldn't come off even if she tried to clean them off. And there she would sit, facing the dilema: to bury him with his memories of home, of love, and family - all of these things she ripped him off from, all of the things now forever stained with the blood that she spilled; or take it.

Take the jacket, and rob him from the last thing he had ever owned, therefore taking away everything from him: his home, his family, his safety, his life. His jacket. Take it, and carry forever the burden of his fate.

She could leave the jacket behind, and break her silent promise, but allow him to keep his fondest memories.

Allow him. Even in death, she would make decisions for his. Even in death, he wouldn't have a say in his fate.

She could take the jacket. It was her burden, after all, her promise to keep. But the idea of leaving him without any protection, without any memory...

And for what would feel like hours, she would torment herself with a decision that should have been avoided.

Somehow, it should have been avoided.

_

@chaoticvampirejedi @m-o-o-n-s-g-o-o-n-s

#writing #sacrificed #ava & todd #i know i know #feelings #also even I don't know if she would take the jacket or not #and honestly i don't know which is worse because not taking it means forever burying anything related to Todd with him and carrying nothing #-from him like nothing physical + breaking her 'silent promise' to take the jacket after his death + punishing herself because she feels- #like she does not deserve. to take the jacket. she does not deserves the love and safety and memories that go with it #and if she did take the jacket it would be to also punish herself by forcing herself to carry the burden - the burden of knowing she lost- #-Todd forever and there's no going back no getting him back no saving him anymore; the burden of the blood she spilled and what she caused #the burden of knowing that now she is truly forever alone and that the only person who could bring colour in her darkness is now gone. #i mean whatever the choice it would be to punish herself and she WOULD blame her for the additional suffering she would cause to Todd #taking the jacket = taking away his memories - leaving him bare and without protection = massive guilt #not taking the jacket = breaking the promise + moving on from Todd + feeding her own revenge over their relationship = massive guilt #either way she would choose what causes her more pain and would also somehow find a way to make that pain worse #sorry i think my tags made it worse kinda #anyway it's 2am i didn't proofread so apologies for the mistakes and all #i shall now go to sleep #and somehow dream of sweeter moments between Todd and Ava #because fate allows it #'fate' #*suspicious eyes emoji*

[maraeffect]

started watching hopecore right before bed and MAN. what a life it is we live on this earth.

#it's a lottery every time someone is born!!! people achieve their dreams every day #others die. others bury loved ones. others get married. others have kids. others separate. still others choose to be alone #and what decides your path is largely up to who conceived you; where and at what time #the rest is blindly writhing around trying to change your circumstances and sometimes there's luck #every single person on this planet has their own inner monologue. their own family. their own dreams #we all just wade through our experiences and maybe leave a cascade of small influences around us #and at and time BOOM! you could just crease to exist!! you could walk outside right now and get struck by lightning #and your story is over #i guess no one is ever ready to think about stuff like that. but it's the truth #and the hardest question you'll ever have to answer is 'how do i spend my time in a way that leaves me truly happy?' #i don't think anyone ever knows the answer to that. not quickly at least #but no matter what you do the sun still rises the next morning and the moon comes out the next night #our rocks in space rotate and revolve like they have done for billions of years. and they'll keep doing it #time stops for no one. we all live and die. and no one but you can decide what will make you happy in the end #this weird little science experiment we are. our little self contained world #we're essentially the universe's terrarium. we're the little tiny creatures that live and reproduce and die inside #and what's it all for anyway? IDK. i think we're meant to do as much of what makes us happy as possible #even if there is no ''point'' to earth being the exact right conditions to create human life; we can make our own meaning #we don't all live or suffer or laugh or cry or fall in love for a reason. there's no telling why it all happens #it just does. so we make our own meanings. #crazy to think we all might have ended up here by accident. or coincidence #makes you think or whatever someone would end this with #chatter #uhhhhhh should i trigger tags this???? IDK what to tag #existential #also ignore my abundance of typos I'm literally laying in bed trying to get sleepy lol