#i cant fucking taje any of this

[trashbaget]

why do i have to have a laborious job in order to pay for my own existence

#I HATE FUCKING EVERYTHING #I HATE CAPITALISM #I HATE MONEY #I HATE MINIMUM WAGE #I HATE SLOW PAYMENT #i had to do my laundry in the bathtub last night and i was too dead tired to wring it out well #so most of my stuff didnt even dry and i didnt have time to toss my box fan in the bathroom too #because i was late for work already and now my clothes are probably getting musty #and i dont have money for the stupid laundry machines #because i pay hundreds of fucking dollars in rent a month #and my stupud ass motherfucking apartment only wants more money from me #and i just #i cant fucking taje any of this #i am not awake enough to be in public #the people are driving me insane #and the intrusive thoughts are bountiful in the absence of caffeine #i am having a terrible terrible time today and i just want to go the motherfuck home #and never have to work again #shut up im holding the trashtalking breadstick #having a really shit day yall #if u see this send me something positive in my ask box pls 🥺🥺🥺🥺 #i could use the encouragement

[pepprs]

•

#purrs #why cant i ever.... Stay. why cant i be one Whole person why do i have to split myself up and shrink back and not give 100% of myself to #Any One Thing. why am i so absent and reclusive and incapable of Staying™️ and Being Present™️ #i would so much rather be very good at one thing than mediocre at many things but theres nothing i can do. and people arent meant to split #tjemselves up like that the way i did i guess like all of my modes of creative expression are so separate and im just now Overwhelmed w the #tragedy of it and how like its practically irreversible and i cant ever achieve that unity bc ive kept stuff separate for so long #its not healthy 2 spread myself so thin i dont think. like i feel like im always hiding some part of myself no matter which mode i switch #into and i can never be 100% authentically Me even when im by myself. bc i am too many things all @ once and thats not enough for me to taje #my attention span is so frail???? i ghost and lurk and never reply to shit and i get so overwhelmed and its my fucking fault bc thats #how ive decided to ofganize my life and it doesnt even work or mean anything and im just overwhelmed w guilt and shame #because i have to hide my poetry from some people and hide my art / memes or whatever from others and ive gotten so used to hiding but i #dont have enough energy or time to merge evrrything the way i want it. its too late in my life for that #idk what im saying At All and im sorry for being vague and confusing but im a fucking terrible friend and a worse Creator Of Words And Art #and i should be ashamed of myself and i fuckign Am. i really truly am im a disgrace!!!!! why does anybody put up w me or support my content! #i dont even make anything Good like i just can nebver give anything my all or be constantly present and i just gmsnfntmnsjrktkdjfkfkd #this is long and pointless and im fuckign awful im sorry #i feel abd for posting this but ive been feelig disatisfied w my Creative Expression And Its Affect On My Pressnce all day and now i have 2 #spend all day tmrrw doing school shit bc i procrastinated an di kust gmdbjfjdbrskfjsjfjbsjsjfjf Fùck! #why do i get so uncomfortable and shit and shrink back from eberything Why Why Why wjat is wrong with me!! why am i still putting up walls!! #why am i always like a fraction of a person!!!! instinctively!!!!!!! like All The Fucking Time!!!!! oh my GHHHJooofjfndbdnsm

[nachosforfree]

i taje it back another search said hes from england please this mans origins are unknown

europeans could not be any more fucking confusing i could tell where an american person is from by their accent but i cant tell where this silly minecraft man is from

#xtracheesy #asks

[mark-me-down-right-there]

Today I am just thinking about painful times. I didnt even live with her in 2016 anymore but dam if she doesn't find a way to transcend all that. I hate how much of my mind she takes up. I want to move on and love myself but at the same time these thoughts are still there!! And now they're more tangled than before because she used to compare me to being gross like a boy AND GUESS WHAT MOM. I AM A BOY. IM A MAN AND I GUESS IM STILL A GROSS DIRTY UGLY GREASY DISAPPOINTING NEVER TRYING HARD ENOUGH DISGUSTING BOY

and it bothers other people to HAVE to LOOK at me. I manage a shower MAYBE once a week because her obsession with how I looked made me feel like I was betraying my natural self by wanting to takw a shower. That's messed up!! Showering is nice! I've got old spice body wash and shampoo now and it makes me smell manly and I love it but it's not enough to tempt me to regularly take care of myself that way because overwhelmingly I think of her berating me until I agreed to let her help me shower as a fucking teenager!! She washed my hair for me, made me take off my shirt for it, always just walked into the bathroom when I was changing to shower, and it makes me feel sick to shower now!! Ehen I locked thr door she got upset with me!! When I protested she guilted and wheedled me into changing my mind. I fucking hate white tile! I hate clear shower curtains! I hate the feelibg of someobe bending over my back and their fingers in my hair and their breath on my fucking neck!!

I hate trying on my appearance because she made me think thst the only way people would like me is if I changed everything abkut how I looked. She told me no one was ever going to wany to TOUCH me, no one was ever going to want to LOOK at me, no one was ever going to want to LOVE me. What the fuck?? She said all this and MORE from at least 2010 to now and that is 10 years of FUCKED UP and I hate her and I hate myself and I hate that I can't get past this.

Why fucking try?? Why shower? Why brush my teeth? Why do ANYTHING if no matter how hard I try or how well I think I've done on my own she swoops in and destroys me for all the choices i made on my own?? "Oh you're wearing THAT" "oh you clearly don't know anything" "are you TRYING to look disgusting? Because that's wht you look like. Everyone will be able to tell." God I fucking hate her

I hate that she'd tell me to taje off my clothes when she 'helped' me wash my hair bc "I'm your mother, it's nothing I havent seen before" well FUCK mom maybe I didn't care when I was 5 but I'm 14 15 16 17. 20 now!! WHY woukd I want to be naked around my mom?? Why did she think it doesn't matter?? Why didnt she want to respect my boundaries?

What the fuck. What the actual fuck. I hate. This. I cant believe her when she says I love u now bc of every ktger thing she has ever said to me. And she doesn't get why I hate her and she gets upset and says she was looking out for me and teaching me how to csre for myself.

Well that fucking backfired. I have to work 10x as hard to take any amount of care for myself now. I barely eat ubless I MAKE myself eat. I shower, on a good month, once a week. I have a daily routine in tge morning and I am slowly finding things that don't mke me hate myself when I use them.

I fucking wish I coukd stop thinking about her. But it bothers her to have to look at me, and it shows.

And I just wanna go

#don/treb/log #don/t rb #don/t re/blog #emotional abuse #mark me confessions #mom problems #im trying to move on but first i gotta acknowledge how fucked up this made me

[feralgoblinchild]

Are you ever just so exhausted in every capacity that you can't use a straw so you just use your water bottle instead of your glass iced tea thing you bought from a local company to take your nightly meds?

Because i replied my glass tea jar with fresh water, laid down, and was just too exhausted to use a straw. Like nah that shit ain't happenin gimme my water bottle with the skeleton peace sign on it thanks i cant be bothered to take the effort if a straw.

For context it's been a very stressful couple of months, i had a Christmas party and migraine yesterday, can't remember anything i did this morning for the life of me, and had to taje a friend to the ER at a hospital i dont work at, was super anxious there bouncing north legs while crocheting (because i had no part overt patient care couldnt even get the friend a warm blanket, drove to 2 different CVSs because the first one was like "oh you can gp to the one in this city" like bitch this once it's the once in this city fuck you taking about gimme a damn address geez I'm from an entirely different part of the state i can only sometimes find the entrance to the Walmart parking lot first or third try, maybe gone since direction? Then got the friends meds refilled sy the second, the popeye's we went to bless their hearts that whole restraint sounded longer it was the biggest monday of a day for any of them in too damn long, one employee we think said "i wanna go home" which big mood and bless him sounds like he needed to go home too, then we ate and hung out for a while and i walked the doggo and made sure he got some energy pft at the dog park, fed the critters, cuddled and played with the critters cause only one is small enough to not hurt the friend when she lays on her person, and then i gout back and just all m my joints are achey and sore, and i just didn't wanna deal with a straw or pants