#i am suffering without photoshop

[mossylane]

footlose | 🦶

hmmm....didn't see these bad boys converted anywhere else so here's some more sandals for adult sims !!! + i edited the original mesh to be a bit more ! chonk ! - female + male, teen-elder, 12 original ea swatches + some extras, bgc (base game compatible)

📁 | download - [alt]

#ts4 #maxis match #ts4cc #sims 4 cc #sims 4 maxis match #s4cc #ts4 custom content #the sims 4 cc #s4mm #ts4 download #ts4 maxis match #moss #ignore my ugly edits these days #i am suffering without photoshop

[thepastisalreadywritten]

By Allison Pearson

23 March 2024

OH, NO. No. A sense that something was not right, that our wonderful Princess was perhaps in more trouble than we’d been told, was confirmed at 6pm on Friday with an unprecedented TV address that dealt a blow to the nation’s solar plexus.

Some will simply have been stunned by the news, hardly able to comprehend it (what, cancer twice in the Royal family within two months? But she’s so young).

Others will have been in tears, as I was, watching our Princess of Wales, parchment-pale, clearly fragile yet valiantly composing herself to record a message in that crystal-clear voice, reassuring us that, although it had been “an incredibly tough couple of months for our entire family,” she would be OK, given enough time, space and privacy.

One friend who heard it on the car radio pulled over to the side of the road and sobbed. “I am just so upset,” she texted.

Another confessed she was relieved that the Waleses hadn’t separated – one of the wilder rumours that had been flying around since the Princess of Wales was pictured in that photoshopped, too-smiley Mother’s Day picture without her wedding rings.

“For the backbone of Britain, we need those two to be together and happily married,” said my friend. So true.

William ’n’ Kate, Kate ’n’ William, a couple for almost the whole of their adult lives, one unimaginable without the other.

Our monarchy is assured as long as there is them (the Waleses will celebrate their thirteenth wedding anniversary on 29th April, six days after little Louis turns six).

Suddenly, with this announcement, we are reminded that they are only human too, vulnerable at times, and Britain is badly shaken.

As she finished her statement, the ramifications started to sink in. Prince William has to deal with a father and a wife with cancer at the same time.

There are haunting echoes of Diana, too, another beloved princess whose personal challenges played out so publicly.

Poor William must feel like there are snipers in the garden taking aim at his family.

You could tell the children were uppermost in her mind, just as they are for any parent who is told they have cancer.

George, Charlotte and Louis, she spoke their names aloud, her darlings. You know, I think they were the real reason she steeled herself to do it.

To sit there on that wooden bench with spring bursting out behind her. Daffodils on a grassy bank, trees in blossom – a cruelly lovely backdrop for such sad tidings.

How simply dressed she was in a matelot jumper and jeans, stripped of finery and clothed, instead, in a becoming humility, her beauty thrown into sharp relief by the strain on her face.

A 42-year-old who is uniquely privileged yet now confronts every woman’s frightening brush with mortality.

Her statement was carefully timed to coincide with the start of the school Easter holidays so the children could be safe at home and wouldn’t have to endure whispers in class about Mummy’s illness.

(Sparing them the agonies of embarrassment young William and Harry suffered at boarding school when Charles and Diana were getting divorced.)

It’s not easy to protect your children when their grandfather is the King and their father his heir.

The Prince and Princess of Wales have always been concerned to make things as normal, as Middleton, as possible, for their young family; this is their toughest test yet.

Was there more than a hint of rebuke in the Princess’s carefully measured words for a media that really has shown neither patience nor “understanding” since she disappeared from public view to have abdominal surgery?

She could be forgiven for being furious. (Believe me, many of us are furious on her behalf.)

“William and I have been doing everything we can to process and manage this privately for the sake of our young family,” she said pointedly.

“As you can imagine, this has taken time. It has taken me time to recover from major surgery in order to start my treatment.

But, most importantly, it has taken us time to explain everything to George, Charlotte and Louis in a way that is appropriate for them, and to reassure them that I am going to be OK.”

“Back off,” she was saying in the politest possible way, “leave me and my kids alone.”

Of course, she needed time to come to terms with the shattering blow of having a life-threatening illness and three children under 10. Every mother’s nightmare.

But time is one thing the vultures and conspiracy theorists were not prepared to give her.

In the vacuum Kensington Palace foolishly allowed to develop, the vilest rumours flourished.

Had she undergone cosmetic surgery? Wasn’t she just slacking? Why wasn’t William taking up more duties to relieve his sick father?

Had Catherine left William? Was it a lookalike pictured with William at a Windsor farm shop?

The gossip went global, causing universal hysteria.

Imagine feeling as sick and scared as the Princess must have done, yet being under pressure to show yourself in order to disprove the lies and appease the baying online mob. It’s barbaric.

I hope those who made such disgusting comments are burning with shame today now that we know the reason she hid away.

It wasn’t only ghouls with a conscience bypass who were trying to fill the gaps in the story.

Theories also came from people who adore the Royal family and were deeply worried for the absent Princess. We love and respect her so much.

Incredibly, in a poll earlier this month, the recuperating Princess still managed to emerge as the most popular royal, narrowly ahead of her husband.

Despite the slurry of accusations – not least the appalling claim in an early draft of a book by Omid Scobie (media snitch), that she was one of the two alleged “royal racists” who speculated on the baby’s likely skin colour – their figures are broadly unchanged since a previous poll in 2023.

Never Put a Foot Wrong is said so often it’s practically the definition of her.

Turns out there may be stresses and strains to appearing always in control, to aiming for perfection, that can eat away at a sensitive person not born to be royal.

Catherine says her job brings her joy; it must also have caused worry (such remorseless spotlight scrutiny).

We should reflect on that, I think. On what it’s reasonable to expect from one human being who expects so much of herself.

How the Princess came to win such a large place in British people’s hearts is better than any fairy tale.

Bullied at school, the quiet, sporty brunette was famous for her record-breaking high jump and tenacious character.

She had blossomed by the time she met William in their first term at St Andrew’s.

At 29, when they finally exchanged vows in Westminster Abbey, she was the first royal bride to have a university degree; the first to have lived with her husband before marriage; the first to be raised in a house that had a street number instead of a fancy name and a moat with swans.

As second in line to the throne, William was expected to pick his princess from a select group of well-bred young fillies.

Hot favourites included Davina Duckworth-Chad and one Isabella Amaryllis Charlotte Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe.

Enough hyphens to make plain Catherine Middleton of Bucklebury, Berkshire, feel a little inadequate, you might think.

Except that, when a friend at university told Catherine how lucky she was to be going out with Prince William, a smiling Catherine replied: “He’s lucky to have me.”

The years have proved her right, haven’t they?

The death of Diana left William a damaged, stubborn and angry young man, acutely aware he was a prisoner of fate and railing at the media who pursued his mother.

Catherine has calmed him, rebuilding trust while providing the regular family life he had never known.

She has grown brilliantly into the role and the Waleses are a formidable team, lighting up any event they enter.

Now, it is his turn to soothe and calm her, although he must be deeply worried.

“Having William by my side is a great source of comfort and reassurance too, as is the love, support and kindness that has been shown by so many of you. It means so much to us both,” she said.

The King was right to salute his daughter-in-law for her courage. Imagine what it takes to first tell your small children you have cancer and then tell the whole world.

She did it so naturally, so sweetly, with such great empathy for others with that cruel disease that no one could possibly guess what it cost her. But it cost her.

She has told George, Charlotte and Louis that Mummy is well, and getting better, but the only way she will make a full recovery is if she’s left alone as she completes her treatment.

Will the vultures listen? Will they give her the time she needs or go back pecking for more?

Millions of us are praying for the return to health of our wonderful Princess of Wales. She has all our support and love.

A Britain without her is unthinkable, unbearable. Take your time, Princess, take your time.

💙🌹💙

#Princess of Wales #Catherine Princess of Wales #Catherine Middleton #Kate Middleton #British Royal Family #cancer #chemotherapy

[camillemontespan]

the memory of us [drake x camille AU] [part two]

@sophxwithers​ @katedrakeohd​ @saivilo​ @burnsoslow​ @jovialyouthmusic​ @gardeningourmet​ @kingliam2019​ ***************

Camille stared at the man standing before her. He was tall, around six foot four, and his body was broad and muscled; he looked strong. His dark hair was tousled and he had deep brown eyes. 

Eyes that were filled with pain and horror at this very moment. 

‘Camille..’ he whispered, his voice breaking. ‘Wha-’

‘How do you know my name?’ Camille asked. She gripped hold of the duvet cover. ‘Where am I?’

‘You’re in the hospital.’

A lady dressed in a doctors uniform stepped forward. Her hands were clasped in front of her and she looked extremely concerned. 

‘You were involved in a car accident,’ the doctor went on, ‘and you suffered a head injury.’

Camille blinked. ‘I don’t remember the car accident..’

‘What do you remember?’ the doctor asked softly. 

Camille looked at the man who was watching her. He was physically trembling, his hands clenched into tights fists by his side. 

‘I… I remember working a shift last night?’ Camille said hesitantly. ‘I work as a waitress-’

She broke off when the man let out a choked sob. He turned and stumbled into the corner of the room, his head in his hands. He leaned against the wall; his shoulders started to shake as he quietly cried.

Camille felt confusion and guilt. Who was this man and why was he so broken up about this? About her? Was he a witness to the car accident? She didn’t know him from anywhere. 

The doctor sat down on the edge of the bed. Her lips were pressed together. This didn’t look good.

‘Camille.. I think you’ve suffered some memory loss-’

‘SOME MEMORY LOSS?’ the man burst out, pushing himself away from the wall. ‘Doctor, she thinks she’s still a fucking waitress! She doesn’t know who I am!’

Camille’s eyes darted between the doctor, who was trying to calm him down, and the man who was shouting. 

‘I’m sorry…’ Camille said quietly. 

The man made his way back to the bed and crouched down on the floor in front of Camille. She looked down into his distraught eyes. Without a word, he took out his phone and showed her the screen. 

The screensaver showed a picture of Camille cuddling a little girl and a baby.

‘I’m your husband,’ he told her, his voice sounding detached. ‘And these are your daughters.’

*******************

Panic surged up in Camille. ‘What?!’ she cried. ‘No no no.. I’m sorry, that has to be photoshop and you’re a stalker or something - I’m not married! I don’t have kids! I’m just Camille Montespan from New York!’

Every word she said seemed to break the man apart even more. Eventually, she stopped speaking all together when she realised how upset he was. 

‘Your Grace..’ the doctor murmured to the man.

Camille pointed at her. ‘Why is she calling you that? WHO ARE YOU?’

The man sighed and rubbed his eyes with his hands before fixing her with a steady stare. ‘I’m Drake,’ he said bluntly. ‘I’m the Duke of Valtoria. In case you don’t know, Valtoria is a duchy in the European country of Cordonia. Cordonia is tiny and our delicacy is an apple-’

‘Your Grace..’ the doctor cut in, her voice like a warning. But Drake kept talking, his voice monotone, as if he was reading from a script. 

‘We have been married for five years,’ Drake said. ‘We met at a suitor competition in which you were competing to marry the prince of Cordonia- now the King- who is called Liam. He is my best friend. We caught feelings for each other though and that made everything with Liam very awkward, can’t say that was surprising. Anyway, he proposed to you but you said no -’

‘Your Grace..’ the doctor cut in again, her voice like ice. ‘Stop it-’

‘So I proposed to you instead and you said yes. I was so happy-’

Drake DID NOT sound happy in this moment.

‘So we got married and became the Duke of Duchess of Valtoria. If it was up to us, we would live in Texas, where I’m actually from, as we actually hate the nobility and rules that dictate our life. But we get on with it and you are actually an incredible Duchess. The people love you. They tolerate me. We have two daughters. Lily is five and Luna is ten months old-’

He broke off there. Thinking about the two girls seemed to have caught Drake off guard. Camille swallowed, watching him warily.

‘I can’t do this..’ Drake croaked, looking at the doctor now. She looked furious. Turning, Drake strode out of the room, slamming the door behind him. The doctor looked at Camille, bowed quickly, and rushed out of the room after him.

Camille flopped down against the pillows. Her heart was racing. This had to be dream. There was no way this was real. A Duchess. In Europe. Married. Two kids. 

She saw Drake’s phone lying on the duvet. Quickly, she reached out and pressed the button. The screensaver of her and the two girls came up again. 

Camille studied the photo. She was cuddling the girls; the older one was laughing while the baby was looking up at Camille with wide eyes. Camille herself looked happy. 

It wasn’t photoshop; the older girl looked like an exact copy of Camille. Genetics were strong. 

Camille let out a sob and dropped the phone. If Drake was telling the truth - and the doctor was right-, this was her life. She felt so guilty that she couldn’t remember any of it. She couldn’t remember the two little girls who looked so in love with her. 

*************************

‘Your Grace-’

‘Just call me Drake, please.’

‘Fine. Drake.’

The doctor had found Drake down the corridor. He was sitting on the corridor floor, trying to calm himself down. The doctor sat down beside him. 

‘You can’t shout at her about everything she can’t remember, it’s too much,’ Doctor Santiago said. ‘It’s not her fault.’

Drake closed his eyes. ‘I know it’s not,’ he replied. ‘I just.. I feel helpless. I got too emotional. I just can’t believe that she doesn’t remember who I am.. Who our daughters are. This morning, she was getting Lily ready for school and kissing me, and now she looks at me like I’m a total stranger. It’s terrifying.’

Doctor Santiago nodded. ‘I know,’ she said gently. ‘This might not be permanent. Her memory could come back, it’s happened before.’

Drake looked at her. ‘What if it doesn’t?’

The doctor looked down at her hands. ‘I will be honest, I’ve not had this sort of case before,’ she admitted. ‘But all I can suggest is you take Camille home. Get her into her normal routine and that might help kickstart some memories. Nothing too big to begin with. And with time, she might start to remember.’

Drake nodded slowly. ‘How do I deal with my daughters?’

The doctor winced. ‘For now, I would tell them that Camille has had an accident and may not be very good at remembering things. Kids know, Drake. They’re intuitive.’

The two of them stood up and looked back towards Camille’s door. ‘I’ll keep her in for a few nights for observation,’ Doctor Santiago told him. ‘And in six weeks, she will have another brain scan.’

The doctor went to file Camille’s documents, leaving Drake alone in the corridor. He looked at Camille’s door and prepared himself to go back inside. 

*****************************

Camille looked up as the door opened. She wiped her eyes furiously, trying to appear normal. As normal as the situation would allow, anyway. 

Drake awkwardly came into the room. He gave her a slight nod and sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘I’ve got to go home and see Lily.’

Camille had a feeling he meant the older daughter. 

‘Lily..’ she said, sounding out the name. It was pretty. 

‘What about.. The other one?’

Drake swallowed. Camille felt guilty, knowing every question was a knife in his heart. 

‘Luna is also there,’ Drake told her. ‘The girls are being watched by their Uncle Leo and Aunt Olivia,’ Drake explained. ‘They’re our best friends. Surprising considering me and Liv used to hate each other..’ 

He looked down and shook his head. ‘That’s not important. Anyway, Leo picked up Lily from school as soon as the news broke about your accident and Liv is looking after Luna. I need to tell them what’s going on and try and explain to Lily about the situation. You’re being kept here for a few nights for observation.’

There was a long stretch of silence between them until Camille broke it.

‘Can I meet them?’

Drake blinked in surprise. ‘Who?’

‘Lily and Luna,’ she said. ‘My.. our daughters.’

Drake smiled softly. ‘Of course. I’ll bring them to you tomorrow morning.’

Camille looked anxious about this but also like she desperately wanted to please him. ‘Um.. what does Lily like? I’ll need to talk to her so would be good to have some pointers.’

Drake studied his hands, which were still shaking. 

‘She loves Disney, particularly the film Tangled,’ he said, ‘and her favourite character is Flynn Rider, she’s obsessed with him. She’s very girly so if you mention how much you like her outfit, that’ll get you brownie points.’

Camille smiled. ‘What about Luna?’

‘She’s ten months old, very quiet,’ Drake explained. ‘Always watching everyone around her.’

Camille nodded, making mental notes. Drake sighed and got up from the bed. ‘I should go,’ he told her. 

For a long moment, they stared at each other. He looked like he didn’t know how to say goodbye. Clearing his throat,  he reached out and gently took her left hand. He kissed it; the silver ring on her wedding ring finger glimmered in the light. 

#drake walker #choices trr #the royal romance #drake x camille

[iudiex]

Please tell us how you make your banner and dividers

hi nonnie! i'd be happy to do so. there's a variety of ways I go about doing it - but i'll post a small example under the cut ( using the extremely bare minimums of a dainsleif divider as an example )

in terms of dividers - i usually start out with a blank photoshop canvas at 540 px by 100 px, sometimes a little taller, or a little less tall. but never any wider otherwise tumblr makes it look fucky wucky.

the most important things for dividers is your... well, divider part. it's best to just start out with a simple rectangle. we can adjust this at any point but for now i've just made a little blue one. everyone's preferences are different, but i like my rectangles to be about 3 px tall. note: i always like to have a background layer included while working, because it helps with visualization of your stuff.

now the hardest part of the dividers is well... the elements. we need them to be transparent and clear and in our case, form a somewhat cohesive vision. what i like to do is visit various reference archives ( 1 , 2 , 3 , 4 ) and pull in game assets if you can. a good place to get just... general assets ( like flowers and shit ) like clipart is etsy, or if you can find free to use and it's not stealing - even pinterest/canva. if the asset is already cut out? even better. if not... well. cut it out and enjoy the suffering ig. but it needs to be on a transparent background for this to work.

in our example, dragaliareferencearchive provided us with a very lovely high rez asset of mr. dainsleif with which i chopped out some elements and will be making use of. say hi to dainsleif, everyone!

what i like to do is go in - use the lasso tool, and just draw around the elements i went to yoinky over. i hit ctrl c - go back to my divider canvas, and paste. at that point you just resize it however you want.

note: i shrunk down the rectangle a bit.

now that we have an element. added on one side - lets make the rectangle look a little fancier. duplicate the rectangle layer, and add a stroke while removing fill. drag it down just slightly, and you've got... more rectangle. wahoo.

do that as many times as you want.

cool great, now we have more rectangles. at this point i'd probably add some more elements (stars and shit idk) and some text. one of my favorite things to do is create a small rectangle and smack some white or black text on it. looks poppin.

dope words, dainsleif.

next, i slap a psd on it.... or i make my own. if you're going to slap a psd on it, remember to credit the creator per their rules! in this case we'll use one i have laying about - jaynedit's fable hope. smack that shit on your layers.

NOTE: I highly advise keeping you text on your dividers / icons / shit ABOVE your PSD layer. sometimes psd's make the text look crunchy. we don't like that. no crunchies on our dividers.

at this point i'd probably apply some masks and shit but that's too complex for me to teach and also i'm starting to get hungry so lets wrap this shit up. i finalize all my dividers by grouping things into neat layers and labeling them because i'm a chronic... remaker.

now the next part is very important. tumblr REALLY likes to make shit blurry as hell lately. So we sharpen to combat that. go ahead and select one of your elements in the layers panel - go up to filter - > convert to smart filters. go BACK up to filters - > sharpen - > sharpen. i do this for every single layer, including the text.

after that. i simply save the psd, and then export the divider itself (WITHOUT THE BACKGROUND LAYER TOGGLED ON) as a png. and voila!

a very crappy very quickly made divider.

please note that i am like... not formally trained in photoshop at all. i'm actually an idiot and my beloved partner helps me a lot. but if you have any specific questions, i'm happy to answer them. mwah mwah happy graphicing.

#⋅ ♛ ⋅ — › ɴᴏ ʙᴀɢᴜᴇᴛᴛᴇs ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏᴜʀᴛʀᴏᴏᴍ. — ⌜ ooc ⌟ #i spent too long on this. #⋅ ♛ ⋅ — › ᴊ'ᴀᴠᴏᴜᴇ ᴊᴇ ᴍᴀᴜᴅɪs. — ⌜ answered ⌟

[jodeeeart]

Hi Jodie! I'm not really tech-savvy and am struggling with uploading my first piece on Tumblr. I went with a really big canvas size and then once finalized I decreased the image size (540 x 810 px). However, the quality looks terrible. Additionally, when I attempt to upload it to Tumblr I get an 'error' prompt. Do you know what I can do to fix this?

Hello Nonny,

Sorry to hear you're having technical issues! Without knowing exactly what programme or format you're using I'll try and give you my best guess. I use Photoshop so that's all I can speak to. W 540 x H 810 px is pretty small. To format a small copy of my artwork for the internet, I usually reduce my images to an absolute minimum of W 1000 x H (whatever the relative height is) and I always save them as a PNG. JPEG's are a very lossy image format and I believe they reduce in quality every time a file is opened, edited and saved. They crunch your images right down which is perfect for squeezing an email attachment but not so much for a finished artwork. A PNG doesn't suffer with the same loss compression issue so make sure that you're saving the file in the right format when you're preparing the copy. The only other problem I could maybe see you having is if the native file ( Your large master copy) has a really low resolution to begin with - before any canvas resizing occurred. I use 300 ppi whether an image is intended for print or not so they are pretty hefty before I do any scaling on them. As to the tumblr error, unless your file is in a format that tumblr can't process, I can't help you on that one I am afraid. Hope that helps Nonny, I am not the most technically minded painter either but using the above metrics, I haven't had any quality issues. <3

#asks #art #digital painting #the meat and potatoes

[go-scottishgal14]

Kate’s had an awful week but at least she can rely on saintly Meghan to save the day

Heartless schadenfreude is clearly an alien concept to the Sussexes – they would just want to help the Princess of Wales

MICHAEL DEACON, COLUMNIST & ASSISTANT EDITOR,

The Telegraph -- 13 March 2024 • 6:55pm

I am quite certain that the Duchess wouldn't dream of kicking the Princess when she's down CREDIT: SUZANNE CORDEIRO/AFP

Secretly editing a family photo “isn’t a mistake Meghan would ever make”. That, at least, was what “sources close to Meghan Markle and Prince Harry” supposedly told a US newspaper. Subsequently, however, the Sussexes’ official spokesperson has said that such remarks “did not come from us”.

Thank goodness for that. What a relief to hear it. Because, after reading the quote attributed to these mysterious unnamed “sources”, the public might have been tempted to infer that the Duchess of Sussex is revelling in the Princess of Wales’s week from hell.

I for one, however, never thought any such thing. The Duchess is simply incapable of such heartless schadenfreude. After all, as we know from the work of Omid Scobie, her acclaimed biographer, she is a saintly figure who feels nothing but compassion for those less fortunate than herself. Those who are suffering. Those who are in desperate need of her bountiful grace and kindness.

It would, therefore, have been wholly out of character for her to spend the week triumphantly gloating over her poor sister-in-law’s woes, obsessively zooming in on the offending photo, guffawing her head off at the endless satirical spoofs of it online, and writhing ecstatically on the floor of her lavish Montecito home while screeching, “SERVES YOU RIGHT, PRINCESS PERFECT, YOU STUCK-UP LIMEY HAG! I TOLD YOU ONE DAY MY VENGEANCE WOULD COME!”

Nothing could be less likely. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if, with typical warmth, selflessness and empathy, the Duchess were to announce that, in light of this week’s unfortunate saga, she’s launching another of her wonderful charities.

I can see it now.

“Harry and I know how important it is, in the modern world, to be able to master digital technology. That’s why we’ve created Sussex Software Skills: a non-profit organisation specially dedicated to supporting those who lack even the most basic aptitude for Photoshop. Together, we will ensure that everyone – the poor, the needy, and even the most humble princess – can successfully manage to retouch the sleeve of their daughter’s cardigan without being brutally roasted by the entire world on social media. Because, although we’ve been fortunate enough never to have had such an experience ourselves, we can imagine just how very, very embarrassing it must be.”

rather snarky by Michael Deacon, I'd say....

[blackwaxidol]

i am particularly severe about my own behaviours from BPD because i have experienced the many facets of unpleasantry that come from prolonging your own agony—and due to how strongly BPD influences your interpersonal relationships and interactions i am of the belief that self-control is an essential virtue to learn, so that you do not willingly put yourself in stupid or dangerous situations over and over and over again.

you will inevitably play a stupid game and win a stupid prize and it is in the accumulation of my own stupid prizes that makes me so viciously critical of "vent blogs" and otherwise blogs that center having BPD but do nothing beyond print out relatable vagueposts tagged a hundred different ways for every vulnerable, aggrieved schmuck to spread around. putting yourself in an echo chamber of misery and crooked photoshop of abandoned rooms day-in day-out will not help you. you will go nowhere.

i have admitted in the past that i used to have a vent sideblog that eventuated in being deleted for self harm and the email i got informing me of this only really left me with a sense of relief. "vent sideblog" is a funny and deceptive phrasing, in my experience of not only having one but knowing other people who had one i think it was never so much venting but having a playground for old habits.

i don't understand the term "safe space" very well so excuse me when i say i think a vent sideblog is a safe space for enabling stagnation. a sentiment i see sometimes and one that i used to feel a lot and rarely still do if i am behaving poorly is to the effect of "people would care about me if i was sicker". what this amounts to is a desire for attention. wanting attention isn't shameful in of itself, i feel it quite deeply because i am a lonesome thing, but it is in taking that desire and concluding that you need to act out in order to get it—or rather that it is fine to go nowhere because where you are at rock bottom is most appealing to people—that i take issue with. i also think it is because the idea of "getting better" is scary to people who know only their suffering as the entirety of their personhood. they do not know who they are without that, it is inconceivable that you exist beyond pain. that sort of thing.

people will give you attention out of concern. in my case it was also, depending on how they were feeling, out of amusement. i think ultimately this may have been more damaging than just what i did to myself, in fact i know this is the case because it has irrevocably changed how i approach situations where i would need help—in that i consider other people as a last resort that to even consider feels like sticking nails into my body. it is inconceivably terrifying to me.

#very long post taken from another even longer draft.

[realcatalina]

Golden-haired Madona

I have said it is probably impossible to remove discoloured varnish from painting  of Catherine of Aragon as Virgin Mary- Maria mit dem Kind by Michael Sittow, Gemäldegalerie, Berlin, but this is not discoloured, it’s just dark:

In close up it is obvious-these are golden locks.

Here bit of red paint unfortutely hids beauty of some of those golden locks(it’s probably due to water damage)

Not even hint of being more to red than to golden.

I have recently checked their webpage again and to my surprise another window popped up and the painting as I never seen it before. For first time showing true colours.

Here is comparison-on left version prior, on right current:

Link: https://recherche.smb.museum/images/5244327_2500x2500.jpg#814623

And you might prefer the previous version which is on left. Because it seems to be in better condition. And that is exactly the problem. The painting was in horrible state prior to conservation. It must have taken great skill for it to be saved!

And the correctly done conservation should not hide most of the damage which occured. That’s what reproductions are for!

From this new version that aside from major cracks, it seems that the painting  suffered  water damage, which blured paint at places and the layer of paint is very thin. Much thinner than it is owe to be, and that is why most of skin is greyish. I am tbh surprised we don’t see undersketch(perhaps Sittow didn’t do one and painted without it). Those very light brown  marks in the skin-that is paint missing. And there is a lot of it! 

It’s not the case that same damage is not in rest of the paiting, but that it is just most obvious in skin, because we tend to focus on the face.

This the painting in its true form. It shows its history, good and bad. 

But then what about the versions circulating online? Are they photoshoped?

Not necessarly. I was under opinion it was due to discoloured varnish-but now comparing the two version it seems varnish was removed prior...hence imo the previous version’s more reddish hue is due to wrong colour of light chosen for the photoshoot. It was too yellow and distorted colours. 

Not by much. But enough. Sadly this occasionally happens even in professional institutions. Too yellow light, too bright light, not bright enough light.

It takes great skill to photograph it properly without distorting the colours(and kudos to proffesionals who can do it!)

It’s also possible that worse condition of the painting makes it light sensitive and thus photographers have limited options of what kind of light they can use. 

So while this will seem to many as not bright enough, but it is better because colours are correct. 

However if you wish to get close to original form, one has to add brightness artificially. Just brightness, nothing else. I tried it. 

Unfortunately, due to red fabric around her, if you see entire painting, you might consider those hair much redder than when you see the hair with much less of this red fabric. It’s optical ilusion.(At least it seems this way to me.)

But much better in closeup. Truly golden hair, but also seeing it you understand why her hair was described as red-gold. Because it is reddish gold.

There is redness to it too, but it is certainly more golden than red. 

Thus this portrait also shows her with golden hair, to reddish hues.  3/3 portraits by Sittow show almost exact same hue of hair. It was just not best photo of this paintings which made us believe the hues were very different. 

Good Queen Catherine truly looked as golden haired Madona.

#catherine of aragon #historical portraits #Michael Sittow

[banschivs]

𝙲𝙰𝚁𝚁𝙳 ⋙ 𝙰𝚁𝙲 ( 𝚂𝚄𝙱 𝙰𝚁𝙲 ) ⋙ 𝙽𝙿𝙲 𝙻𝙸𝚂𝚃 ⋙ 𝙲𝙷𝙰𝚁𝙰𝙲𝚃𝙴𝚁 ⋙ 𝙹𝙾𝙺𝙴𝚁

☠ 𝙰𝚄𝚃𝙷𝙾𝚁𝙸𝚉𝙴𝙳 𝙿𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙾𝙽𝙽𝙴𝙻 𝙾𝙽𝙻𝚈 ☠

In the name of love

#𝙱𝙰𝙽𝚂𝙲𝙷𝙸𝚅𝚂 ⋙ independent   𝙽𝙸𝚇 𝙳𝙴𝙶𝚁𝙰𝚅𝙴𝚂  of 2019′s guns akimbo.  post-canon,  and developed far beyond it now.  affiliated with 2019′s JOKER and 2022′s the batman.  other half of @jokethur. violence and substance abuse present front and centre,  not tagged.  written by abigail,  twenty-one plus.

KILLER QUEEN

𝙿𝙾𝚁𝚃𝚁𝙰𝚈𝙰𝙻: tied heavily to 2019′s Joker and, as of 2022, The Batman. Shrapnel City is Gotham, Gotham is Shrapnel City. Meaning that all the context of Joker and The Batman have taken place within Nix’s understanding and canon. Nix's own canon from Guns Akimbo is now in the past, and further details regarding her and where she's been can be found on her carrd/in-universe fansite as well as dataclaw, the in-universe Court of Owls database.

Given that she is such a niche character, you're always more than welcome to hit me with any questions in regards to plotting and/or tossing out something random. I'm aware that most people haven't seen the film, and that's totally fine!

𝚂𝙴𝚃𝚃𝙸𝙽𝙶 & 𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙿𝙿𝙸𝙽𝙶: single ship, single story-driven. exclusive to @jokethur's Arthur Fleck, who Nix is married to. They have three children together who are likely to be featured. Romance and nsfw are present with Arthur on main — as an adult writing an adult, the whole nsfw sideblog trend is just weird to me. It is all tagged, and you're welcome to block that tag.

@jokethur and I have operated as one giant blog for many years and are a real-life couple ourselves. Everything between us is shared, one's interactions are canon to the other, everything we do is interconnected.

I am happy to write with other versions of Joker even if plotting would need be involved, but no more Arthur Fleck's, please and thank-you.

𝙳𝙽𝙸: I won't be following any characters related to the 2024 Joker musical, nor will I follow any blogs using Gaga as an fc or who are in support of said musical. I will not budge on this, and will block.

I will softblock any Joker-specific personal fan blogs as soon as I see them in my follows, especially any self-shippers as I've had terrible experiences in the past with these types of blogs. In addition please don't breathe near me if you rp or rp any MCU Wanda Maximoffs, or any other whitewashed roles — following from that I have a zero-strike policy on seeing the word g*psy. I'm Romanichal myself; i see it used, you're gone. It's not my job to educate you.

𝙸𝙼𝙿𝙾𝚁𝚃𝙰𝙽𝚃: 𝙿𝙻𝙴𝙰𝚂𝙴 𝚄𝚂𝙴 𝙳𝙸𝚂𝙲𝚁𝙴𝚃𝙸𝙾𝙽

If you follow me, you need to be aware Nix is a killer, en masse. She is criminally insane, lacks empathy, and is ultimately selfish in her end-goal. She is a drug addict, and an addict in general. All things problematic, before even going into her own origins or exactly what made her. Bear the above in mind when following. She's also just really weird and often crude. If this isn't your scene, you don't need to stick around. Respect all this this when we are roleplaying, I don't want to be measuring dicks with you.

I suffer from Irlens Syndrome which can decidedly effect both my reading comprehension and general cognitive functionality on a daily basis. As said above, i’m not fast, and I'm tired a lot, and can go a while without doing much of anything. In extension to this i do ask that you don't put any screenshotted or photoshop-style image replies on my dash. I cannot process them and it causes me a lot of problems. If this isn't something you can adhere to, then this might not be the blog for you. See this post for a more extensive explanation, this is very important for me to be able to use my dashboard.

I dare you to try

#pinned. #we're ruling.

[altagraye]

Big Big Love part 14

Maia age: 28   appearance: (10 weeks pregnant- no time gap between last chapter.) 

Dean age: 35 

Sam age: 31 

Roslyn age: 3 

TW!: cussing/language

Quote: 

"Jane says, "I've never been in love"  No, she don't know what it is  She only knows if someone wants her  "I want 'em if they want me  I only know they want me"  Jane says. . .Jane says. . ." 

-'Jane Says'- Jane's Addiction. 

Chapter 14: Jane's Addiction: 

Maia: 

"This is not my home. Where am I? Where are my Alphas?!" I demanded. Struggling against my bindings. My claws extended, I'm terrified and I need to protect my pups. How did this asshole know that again? He must be pulling my leg. He smiled back at me, his eyes looking me over, pausing at my belly and then jutting back up to make eye contact. Every instinct in me told me that this guy was very bad news. I need to get free, and get out. If I'm here, where are Sam and Dean? If this freak hurt my Alphas, By Ares! I'll start World War three myself. 

"You don't need to worry about your lovebirds just yet. First on our list, is making sure you get fed. Now, I do apologize for these, restraints. Let me regain my civility." He extended his claws and broke through the ropes that tied me to the bed. I rubbed at the raw marks they left. I slowly got up from the bed, letting my feet dangle off the edge. But I couldn't go any further. My head combined with the intense wave of fatigue that was washing over me was disorienting. I tried to get off the bed, but it was like someone was sitting on me. I couldn't move, not one millimeter.  

Crowley came up to me and pointed to the ceiling. I craned my neck up, a devil's trap written on it. What? I'm no black-eyed son of a bitch. What was this British asshole insinuating?  

"Confused, Darling? I know. It's not every day, a Knight of Hell conceives a child. I'm overjoyed really, that Squirrel has such an insatiable love for someone like you. The fruits of that fate should be the most powerful creature in recent history. Being only below God himself. And, well, me of 'course. No one overthrows the King." He told me grabbing something from a desk.  

"What the Hell are you talking about, you limey fucker?! I need to go home, to my Alphas." I retorted breathily. The fatigue was getting to me, and I felt like I might pass out. He came back into view with a large chalice full of deep red blood. It made me turn my head in disgust. He set the fancy cup next to me on the bed, taking a piece of paper out of his suit-jacket. 

"If my word isn't convincing you, then this should." He said handing the paper to me. I flipped it over and looked at it. A sonogram picture dated today at 11:26 a.m. my name in the upper left hand corner. One larger little pup and near it another one but smaller, the both of them separated and nestled in their own fleshy compartments. Reflexively my hand went to my forming bump. That's impossible, how are these pups two different sizes? This has to be photoshopped or something, just a ploy to get me into drinking this crap.  

"You see Darling, this one, is Mooses' little one, I don't care for that one much. However, this one is dear old Daddy, Dean's. Of which is the highest importance that you, chug the contents of that chalice. Otherwise, inevitably it will die eventually. We can't have that, now can we?"  he said shoving his hands in his pockets. 

"What makes you think I believe your lying demon-ass?" i retorted, another wave of nausea overcame me making me close my eyes and focus on breathing, trying not to upchuck. I swallowed once the wave was over and opened my eyes again. Crowley was examining me, quite creepily.  

"Oh, I don't lie. Honesty is the best policy, little Winchester-Omega. You should listen to your body. All that suffering you're feeling now, will disappear once you drink your medicine. Your pup is dying without it. Bottoms up." He said picking the cup up and handing it to me. I took it, staring into the darkened mess. I remembered Dean's eyes, the night we had sex. It really was true wasn't it? Some half-demon baby growing inside me. That had to be the reason behind why I felt this way. I can't let that happen. I can't kill my baby. I don't care if it's half of a Knight of Hell or whatever. It's my child and Dean's, evil is taught. I took a deep breath and glanced at the sonogram picture again.  

On the exhale my lip quivered. I sniffed at the blood, it smelled wonderful. Like a juicy gourmet burger was sitting in my hand instead of this macabre drink. I gulped and took my first sip. The taste was even better. It was the most appetizing thing that has graced my lips in recent weeks. I took another sip and then a large gulp. I took a breath gasping. Why is this so irresistibly good? Isn't this wrong? And then I couldn't stop. I chugged it down 'til the last drop. It felt like warm hot cocoa on a chilly day or satisfying home cooking. 

I gasped by the end of it, letting the sensation overtake me. I shuddered it felt so good. I licked it off my lips and threw the cup down on the ground. Fuck you, fuck you for making me do this. Crowley smiled from ear to ear, glad at the result.  

"That's a good girl." He said and snapped his fingers to break the devil's trap above my head. I stood, a little wobbly at first, but recovered quickly. I want more. I need more. As fast as I could I slashed at Crowley's wrist, shredding the fabric of his nice suit and drawing blood. I brought the wound to my mouth and drank him in. The sensation making me shudder again.  

"Bollocks!" He exclaimed not expecting me to do this. He wrapped his fingers in my hair and yanked me off of him. The aching in my head had stopped and the nausea went with it. I thought I'd feel terrible but this was the exact opposite. It was a boost of energy and I felt more alert than I've been in recent months. Almost like I just downed seven cups of coffee. "you're more trouble than I thought. I'll come back for you. Until then, drink up." He vanished before my eyes in a flash. I looked around the room for a little while letting my blood-high sink in. With a groan I heaved myself up, using the bed as leverage. I took the picture from the bed and stuffed it in my pocket.  

I sniffed the air, trying for scents. No threats but I did smell more blood. More of what I wanted. Maybe there are more lower level demons nearby? I carried myself up the steps of an old house. We were in a demon-safehouse of sorts. Awesome, that sounds just great. Walking into the main part of the dingy house I spotted three what I presume to be demons, dressed in black, waiting. I revealed myself.  

They kneeled before me, one of them a little less willing to do so.  

"At your service Ma'am." Said one of them standing. This was beyond weird but they didn't look like they were allowed to hurt me. I need to take advantage of them. I straightened out my back and flipped my hair out of my face.  

"Where are we?" I demanded. 

"In a desolate part of Pomona State Park." Said the middle one. 

"How far are we from Lebanon?" I asked them.  

"We're 1,609.2 miles from Lebanon, Oregon." That one must be the dumb one. I groaned, maybe this isn't a good idea after all? 

"No! Kansas. Lebanon, Kansas you dumbass." I corrected him. 

"Oh. Sorry. 227.3 miles. Approximately a 4 hour drive from here." He continued. 

"Okay, thanks. Shut up. Come with me, and don't try anything funny." I ordered them. They did as I said and  we started walking out into the forest. i have no idea where to go. There are no trails around, just dense timber. I inhaled the scent of nearby pine trees. Sam. I need you, I need Dean too. My Alphas. Oh Gods. What have I done? I just drank demon blood and i have three more suckers to drink from.  

We wandered through the forest for a while before I had to stop. The sunlight just barely able to poke through the canopy of trees. I listened to birds fly effortlessly from branch to branch. They still amaze me. I groaned, rubbing my bump. I'm so sorry, my babies. My body started trembling and I felt feverish. I knew what I needed. One of the demons, who was the chatty-Kathy of the group and didn't stop talking about how he became a demon, left over from the Salem Witch trials. He'd had a ball in the 60s and 70s, apparently. He preferred the name Fredrick. He was also the most gullible and unconditionally loyal, which was great for me.  Fredrick was the daft-demon who gave me the wrong Lebanon. At least he didn't give me the country, that would have sucked and made me even more irate. 

He came over to me to check on my condition. The other two demons stopped walking and stayed out of earshot, I watched the reluctant one, the female her name was Abigail. I need to keep a close eye on her. She's one of those stab-first-ask-later ones. She was not having a good day on the job, protecting a newly pregnant and ailing carrier of pretty much the Anti-Christ.  

"Are you alright, Ma'am?" Fredrick asked looking me over. I panted trying to catch my breath against the trunk of the Pine I was resting on. My vision was starting to go blurry. I gulped, I'm so thirsty.  

"Bring me the other one, not Abby." I ordered him and without a blink or flinch he did it. Willingly offered up his demon partner to the slaughter. Brought him to the wolves, literally. Fredrick made him kneel and Abigail watched from the distance, her eyes intent on my actions. My claws dug into the bark of the tree. I don't want to, but I have to. Not that I have any sympathy for these scum, I just don't like getting my hands dirty. Fredrick held the demon by his hair and exposed his jugular. I need to make this as quick as possible, before I pass out again. I lunged forward and took his neck in my fangs, drinking him mercilessly until I had my fill of the sweet red warmth. Abigail never took her gaze off me, and I knew she wanted revenge. I didn't think demons could die from something as trivial to the creatures as blood loss. But my midday snack was off to see the wizard by the time I was done. 

With a new burst of energy I commanded Fredrick again, " let's keep going." I felt so alone in this vast woods with two of the enemy at my side, although I oddly enjoyed Fredrick's storytelling as a distraction. It was starting to get dark when i realized i had my phone in my pocket the entire time. I tried to see if I could get a signal but that was meaningless. And the phone was dying, out of juice and on 5% battery left. C'mon Sam, I know you have trackers in these things you lovely nosy creep. Please find me before nightfall. I'm pretty sure we're lost. But I kept going, the odd couple tagging along behind me. We probably had about two hours of sunlight left. I didn't let myself cry but I wanted nothing more than to sit down and weep.  

The sun got lower on the horizon and I had to stop again. I was getting overwhelmed by this crazy situation on top of getting thirsty again. I guess my appetite was so strong to make up for all the times I wasn't ingesting demon go-go juice. My chin scrunched up and my lips were quivering again. I set both my palms on my stomach. Fresh tears falling as I let my thoughts race around in my head for a few moments. What if drinking this shit affects Sam's pup? Will it die from this? Will I get black-eyes too if I drink enough of the blood? Will Dean hate his pup before it's even born? Knowing what it is. I wiped away my tears when i heard a thud from behind me, as if someone had fallen.  

I didn't have time to react before Abigail was on top of me with some kind of blade. She jabbed and made contact, slashing my side up close to my ribs. I was not about to let this bitch kill me or my pups. I've been through too much. and I want to live, I've got too many people who need me.in the brawl I saw out of the corner of my eye, Fredrick down on the forest floor, unmoving. Abigail had killed him. Demon knife? I thought.  

I was able to pin her against a tree and take the blade out of her hands. I guess when your backs against a wall even an Omega can kick some ass. Plus the demon blood probably was a help. I pinned her wrists up against the bark, so that when I bit her she didn't get any ideas. I took the flesh of her neck in my fangs, drinking sloppily. I made sure to make this one painful for her. No one comes between me and my kids. She wailed, the sound echoing out into the denseness of the trees. I couldn't get enough of the stuff. It tastes like candy, burgers and fries, chicken noodle soup, and everything like that. The good comfort food that you couldn't wait to dig into because that casserole has been in the family for decades and you still don't know how 'Aunty-Mae' makes it. I heard some movement from my right but I was still drinking and didn't want to be disturbed.  

Abigail has been limp for a few minutes, it's harder to hold her up and chug at the same time.  the footsteps got closer and Pine and Whiskey hit my nostrils. Dean's sweet whiskey, not the bitterness I had smelled in Crowley's scent. I stopped drinking, and was starting to get sick from how much I drank. I threw her worthless carcass down to the ground. I didn't want to see my Alphas like this. This monster that I thought I was. I turned anyway, knowing there was nothing to hide from my two Love's. They looked shocked and cautious but otherwise very happy to see me, awake and standing.  

Abigail's blood stained my lips and dripped down my chin. They got closer to me, putting their weapons away. I was crying in no time. I was so afraid of rejection.  

"I had to do it. I had to! I had to save...my baby." My hand went to my belly again as Dean came and hugged me tight.  His whiskey strong and filling up my lungs. Dean shhhed me and kissed my cheek. 

"It's okay. It's okay." He repeated. Sam came up to us and wiped Abigail's blood off my face. He kissed my forehead.  

"We know. You did what you had to. Don't blame yourself for that." Sam said. Dean moved a little out of the way so Sam could have a better look at me. Together they tenderly touched my tummy and kissed their claims. Sam lifted my shirt shamelessly to examine the slash Abby gave me. He growled at it, upset that some punk ass demon hurt me. When he licked it I winced, until pine filled my bloodstream, warm and natural. They took me by the hand and we walked to the rest of the two mile hike to the Impala. It was dark by the time we got in. Sam drove this time. 

Dean lay on the back seat and tapped his thigh, "like old times, come rest." He said. I curled up with him, nuzzling my cheek into his chest, just below his chin. It's practically a four hour drive home. On the ride over, his hand never left my stomach. I would have liked to known what he was thinking about. I would have liked to sleep since the Impala is the perfect place to sleep when your safe in your mate's arms and since driving the Impala is akin to riding on a cloud. But the demon blood kept me awake and jittery. It was around 11p.m. by the time Sam opened up the passenger side door for me to get out.  

I was panting again, light headed, my headaches had returned, I was sweating, and nausea was back with extra bite.  I stood and the world was moving beneath my feet. I bent over and puked, some of it getting on Baby's tire. I wiped the excess off my mouth, onto my sleeve. Dean came around to my side, the two of them stared at me for a moment.  

"Ugh. Sorry about the car, Dean." I apologized. I lifted my head and tried to take a step but as I did, my knees buckled. Someone caught me and pressed me against his chest, Pine. Sam. My head was throbbing against my skull, constant and unwavering. I groaned into my mate's chest, grabbing his shirt to pull it down to me, taking in his scent. Little relief, but I'd take a little over none.  

"Hey, I've got you. It's alright." Sam's voice echoed into my body reverberating against his chest. It was soothing. 

"I'm sorry, I don't think I can walk." I said to the both of them.  

This didn't feel like heat, after all It's impossible to have heat when you're pregnant. But the body aches and the fevers reminded me of heat waves. I'm so thirsty. Sam took me inside and lay me down on our bed. Dean was still up and about, looking through books and pacing. I wanted him to come to bed with us but, he was preoccupied. It was hard for me to pay attention to anything other than what was in our bedroom, this sickness had a hold of me.  

Sam stood over me and thought about what he should do to help me. He grabbed some fresh undergarments and a change of PJs. I sat up slowly, wincing from my throbbing head. 

"Easy, just take it easy." He told me. He took my shirt off and unclasped my bra, forgoing it. Thank the Gods for that, because my breasts felt like they'd been ran through a meat tenderizer. Sam removed my bottom half of clothing and replaced them. He turned on the ceiling fan and tucked me in. He sat on the bed next to me, holding my hand, bringing the back of it to his lips for a kiss. I was trembling. I tightened my grip on his to let him know I knew he was there.  

"Hi Papa bear." I said trying to break the silence. He smiled and chuckled lightly, " Hi. I'm so happy about that. you have no idea." He said. I grabbed Dean's pillow and put it close to my face, needing the support of both my mate's scents. Whatever I was feeling sucked, but I've been through suck-iness before, at least I wasn't in labor. That's all manners of suck. I don't want to think about that yet, but what goes in must come out. Ugh. I could tell Sam was conflicted between wanting to comfort me and helping his brother with whatever the Hell he was doing. I gave him a mediocre smile and let my hand slip from his grip. 

"Go, help Doofus. I'll be okay for a while." I told him. He couldn't say no to me, he leaned down and kissed my forehead, sweat beading on it. Before leaving he bent down and kissed my belly. I wanted him to stay but I'd rather him help out that buffoon of a brother of his. They both need sleep so I don't know what they could possibly be up to. Whatever it is must be important. I sighed and turned onto my back, I put both my palms on my stomach, one for each side. I'll have to find a new shape in the ceiling paint, maybe I'll find another bunny, like the one at Bobby's? 

Sam: 

I sighed as I closed our door. I didn't want to leave, but I figured it was for the best that she needed some alone time for now. I keep seeing her, in the middle of that damned forest, with blood on her chin. I know what demon blood is like first hand. A nasty combination of need, desire, and power beyond belief. I could have stopped any time I wanted, not that stopping was easy for me considering demon blood is just about the worst drug out there. But Maia has no choice because of Dean's pup.  

I joined my brother in the library, already stacked multiple books out on the mapped table. All of them on demons and demonology. I sat down and grabbed a random book. Dean stood over the stack he collected, scanning through the titles. He sat down and started to read one from the beginning. I picked out a random one and skimmed through it finding not much on demon conception. After a while of agonizing silent reading only the flapping of pages did Dean slam his book shut and cast it to the pile. He let out a big sigh and closed his eyes.  

"Cas? We have a problem, don't bring Ros. Not yet. We need your help man." He prayed. It was a definite rarity to see my brother pray to anything, he doesn't like doing it really. He must think it sounds more like begging. By the time Dean sat down and scooted his chair in, Cas was standing at the head of the mapped table, light flapping echoing could be heard.  

"Why did you have me take Roslyn? We played Hide-seek for hours. What's wrong?" The angel asked, worry clear in his deep blue eyes. 

"Glad you asked, you're gonna have to take a seat for this one." Dean said a bit of pep in his voice, he was scared at what Cas might tell him. Castiel looked to me for confirmation and I nodded. 

Cas pulled up a chair and folded his hands in on each other, waiting for us to explain the events of this terribly busy day.  

"Maia is pregnant, super pregnant." Dean said the best he could, not remembering exactly what Dr. Janey told us. Cas looked confused. 

"Her pregnancy is no surprise to me. Is that why you called?" Castiel asked getting a little aggravated.  

"Ugh, we've had a long day. No. When we came back to the house this morning, Maia was out cold. That's why Dean had you take Ros. We took her to the e.r. and she wouldn't wake up. They looked at her and she's having twins." I stopped momentarily.  

Cas furrowed his brow, "that's a good thing isn't it?" 

"Well yeah, except they have two different fathers." I continued. Cas looked more confused. 

"Whom?' He asked. Dean and I sighed and looked at each other, we pointed to the other and gave Cas a look, hoping he'd catch on. The Angel's facial expression relaxed. 

"Both of you? Well, that's an idiosyncrasy if I ever heard one." He said. 

"That's not all, because Maia and I had sex when I went dark-side... my kid is..." Dean started to explain. Cas sighed and closed his eyes.  

"A cambion."  we sat there in silence taking in the word and it's weight. A spark of hope lit within me as I remembered a case we worked on years ago, involving a cambion. 

"Hey, do you guys remember Jesse Turner? The practical joke kid. His mother, uhhhh. Julia! Julia Wright." I said the memories coming back to me. 

"He turned me into a doll, yes I remember that." Cas said.  

"He turned out to be alright. And Julia survived after Jesse was born." Dean pointed out. 

"Yes, but. Dean, he was conceived by a low level demon. it's possible that the demon was letting Julia live so he could have a host to fall back on. With your knightly status, I don't know if Maia'd survive the birth. Especially since having Roslyn was so hard on her." Cas spoke truthfully. 

"Don't. Don't you say that to me. There has to be a way. There's always a way." Dean said shoving the bleak possibility away from his mind. I can't lose her either, not now. Not when I finally was able to claim her. I took in a breath thinking of another problem. 

"Cas, what if Dean's pup, kills mine? Before both of them are born?" I asked looking to him for advice. 

"Anything is possible in this situation. We just have to monitor her. How is Dean's child able to survive though? She isn't possessed. all the mothers I've known to produce Cambions have all be possessed from conception until birth." Asked Cas shifting in his chair. 

"That's the thing. There was a demon that took her ultrasound and we saw that they were two different sizes. Sam's kid is fine so far. But mine was just barely holding on. Weakened heartbeat and everything." Dean stopped, covering his mouth. So I picked up where he left off. 

"The demon revealed itself and took Maia under Crowley's orders. He made he drink demon blood to save Dean's pup. We found her in the forest with some demon escorts. Cas, she drank two of those demons dry by herself." I told him worry getting to me. 

"Of course Crowley would be interested. The most powerful being to be conceived in recent history, under his grasp. There's no telling what kind of evil he can cause." Cas surmised. 

"He's not taking my kid!" Dean interjected.  

"Okay, all this fighting isn't going to do anything. We still have some time before our kids are born to figure this out." I said getting frustrated with all of the talk going on. I need to see Maia. I need to know she's safe and not suffering.  

"All that demon blood must be shocking her system. do you mind if I go and check on her?" Cas suggested. I shook my head, any help we can get, divine or otherwise is fine with me. 

"I guess you're right. I'm spent anyway. I'm ready to pass out. I need to be with her anyway." Dean said rising from his chair and leaving on last look at the stacks of books he collected. I led the way, the haze of grogginess taking a toll on me as my feet shuffled into the hallway of bedrooms. I stopped once I heard a distant pain-filled moan. All three of us rushed towards our bedroom.  

I barged through the door first, Cas and Dean not far behind me. The bed was a mess of sweat and body thrashed sheets. Maia was biting my pillow, her face in agony. Her chest heaving, hair disheveled. Her entire body was trembling. It hurt me to look at her like this. I should have stayed with her.  Dean and I went to her side, going to our respective sides of our bed.  

"Hi, I love you guys. Please. I need blood. I'm so thirsty. I-I feel like my insides are on fire." She confessed through breathy pants. She took my and Dean's hand, needing us.  

Cas came up, " Let me look at you." He told her and hovered his hand over Maia's belly, light came through the angels palm but in a flash Maia took Castiel's wrist. Her claws embedded themselves into his flesh and searing sounds were heard. As if Maia's hands were made of bright orange lava, it glowed.  

"Don't touch them!" she yelled and let go, exhausted.  

"Ah!" Cas exclaimed holding his arm where Maia scorched it. It looked severe enough to be third degree burns. What the Hell just happened? Maia has never had, powers, before. Was the demon blood effecting her that much? Maia moaned again, pressing her head into my pillow and returned to gripping my hand. Her grasp tightened on Dean and I. Her palms were clammy.  

"I'm sorry Cas, I can't let you hurt them. Please, somebody. I need blood. And I need my Alphas." She beckoned us. I didn't need any more reasons to help my wife, so I hopped in to bed with her. Her body was so hot, almost like she'd been in a sauna all day. if she's like this now, forget the birth, I don't think she could bring the pups to term. Cas healed his arm. Dean almost dragged himself away from Maia. Maybe he feels obligated to get her the demon blood himself? Maybe he feels like this was his problem to fix? 

"Dean, don't leave me. I need you too." Maia said weakly her teeth beginning to chatter. Dean looked conflicted, seeing her like this and wanting to go out and do the deed for her.  

"This is more concerning than I thought. If Heaven finds out about this, they will smite her without a second thought. Ward your bedroom. I'll get her what she needs." Cas volunteered. Dean looked surprised at Cas offering to do such a thing for her. But complied. Cas left with a flap of his wings.  Dean left  momentarily to get supplies to ward our bedroom against angels. As if having demons after Maia wasn't enough. I tried to comfort her as much as I could. Grabbing a washcloth from the bathroom and pressing it to her forehead. Her face relaxed. At least I wasn't so helpless.  her grip tightened on my hand and she started to whimper again. Cas, please hurry. 

End chapter 14. 

#Big Big love series #omegaverse #a/b/o dynamics #castiel #spn fic #spn fanfic #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural #supernatural abo #alpha!dean #alpha!sam winchester #crowley #pregnancy #pups

[faint-kitten]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

So. This needs a lot of explanation for this rabbit hole, but all of you need to suffer this with me. If you watch my stream and don't want me to idk ruin the "magic" of my little shark don't read this.

But to anyone who PNG's it's pretty common knowledge I think.

So I stream, right? I have no money right? I have no talent for drawing right? So i have to hand make everything I have from whatever I can via 1) Create for myself with MS paint and Gimp

2) Steal from a corporation without feeling bad for it.

So I'm sitting there thinking about how my PNG model has a santa hat for the holiday streams. But the santa hat vanishes when i do different emotes because I didn't photoshop it onto the other faces.

When you don't have a vtube studio model/rig and you use veadotube mini, you're drawing/editing 4 images every time you want to add something. For instance: I spent too long creating shadow heart's hair for my model today. Then had to apply it to every face I have (Standard, clown, blushing). That's 12 times I have to photoshop and save the addition to the original image, and 12 times I have to load a file for every face for consistancy. Not complaining. I fucking love the program and am absolutely chuffed my broke ass could get it for free.

But I didn't do that for the santa hat. The Santa hat is just on my nuetral expression.

I recently added a "zoom" for close ups (a standard streaming trick for emphasizing moments, a lot of streamers do this with a close up of their model or a close up on thier camera.) In order to do this "trick" I had to tell my stream deck to hide my normal veado source and show the "zoom" source. Every expression works big there. But I only have so many keys, I can't map the switch back to the santa hat or santa would just trigger big mode, so I just mapped "hide big mode" to the default face which runs several stream deck commands to nuke any changes I'd made to my look (vanishing clown hair, googly eyes etc.)

I'd have to go "big mode" then small mode which resets everything to default size, and then tap santa mode.

But I kept forgetting to re-apply santa mode after swapping back from big mode. So I'd go huge, shrink down and the hat would be "gone" .

So chat kept making a joke that my hat "fell off again." And I started doing a whole bit where I'd slide my png like it was "walking down the stairs" out of sight, re-apply it and come back up with my hat on again.

Then it occured to me, what if, as a bit, I could do that, and down switch to another scene: One where I'm under like a dinner table. Like I'd ducked under the cloth and was just hanging out down there. I could break the fourth wall and pretend I was taking a break from the audience. Pretend to talk about the show under my breath like they couldn't hear me, you know? As a bit.

So I googled "under the table" to start getting reference photos. Not realizing most of it is either going to be "getting paid under the table" or dudes and dudettes playing with each other under the table.

As I was looking at these I spotted the words "pawjob under the table." It was at this point, I learned what a Pawjob was, and what Pawing off is (I approve and have questions).

So I'm sitting here staring at memes from Genshin impact and just pictures and pictures and pictures of Max beating off sam with his feet and other furries with dicks on their feet and out of the corner of my eye I spot a very serious, very familiar face…

Jordan Fucking Peele. The director of Get out, Nope, etc.

I'm thinking it can't be. Someone had to use it as a joke or meme, right? But this photo looks OFFICIAL. So I HAVE to know. I click on it and it fucking takes me to his production company or something. There's Jordan standing in a room full of very serious people in black. It's a company page, and he's listed as CEO.

What the fuck does this have to do with paw jobs? So I'm looking around and I notice the fucking company name is "Monkey's Paw"…and there's a careers section for applying for a JOB.

So in case anyone is curious: Jordan Peel is offering paw jobs.

[finalprojectgroup20]

Women's Expectations and Beauty Standards in Sports and Athletics: Unit 1

Something that has always stayed in the back of my mind while growing up as an athlete myself is watching sports and major sporting events like the Olympics. Women are constantly being viewed not only for their performance but also for the way they look and how they are portrayed to the eye of the public. I am not saying that this is only a problem for women in this particular professional world but that they have it much harder. The standards are through the roof for how they should look, act, sound, and behave to make the public and media happy. This does affect all athletes, but you dont typically see men photoshopping themselves to appear extremely skinny or changing their body shape while they are on the field or jumping from bar to bar like Livvy Dunne did to appease her audience. 

Dunne photoshopped her shoulders and torso to be smaller in comparison to the original picture. Later dealt with a huge amount of backlash for this performance on social media and took down the photo since so many people were shaming her. Not ever considering why she felt the need to edit her photos since she is already an amazing gymnast. Female athletes aren't just competing for a spot in the top ranking, they are also competing with each other for fame and camera time, something only gifted to athletes if they meet all the criteria that the media wants to see - skinny, beautiful, blemish-free, flawless, and overall the “perfect” body that women are brainwashed into striving to be. It's such a dangerous world to be thrown into and if not taken with a grain of salt. You might end up in the firing range like Dunne. 

This isn't new either since women have been allowed to participate in sporting events and teams they have been criticized for how they look and less on how they perform. This appearance-obsessed culture is something that has been riddling with dance and gymnastics since the start of it all. Women all over the world have come forward to speak out about USA coaches who have starved and even forced them into extreme diets while shaming young girls who could not shed weight due to their genetics or body shape. Garber writes “ However, dictating female athletes’ bodies is unfortunately commonplace in virtually every sport”. This isn't just coaches and managers who are trying to force eating habits and dictate the weight of women. Just this last February, track star Mary Cain also known as “The fastest woman in America” set a lawsuit against her personal Nike coach for forcing her into an abusive diet, starving her into submission that later resulted in a deep and overwhelming depression episode that lasted for months. 

Another case in 2016 with the tennis star Eugenie Bouchard came out where she spoke out about her battle with an eating disorder due to the pressure and expectations from the outside world and herself. Women are more than what they look like and how the media is portraying them to be and if the whole world can't see that then the harm will continue to follow suit for these amazing athletes that dont get to truly shine without someone or something trying to bring them down for not being what they want them to be. With my lasting words on the subject, I would like to inform you that through the National Eating Disorder Association, 62% of female athletes in weight class or aesthetic sport suffer from some type of eating disorder. I hope you let that information sit with you before you try to judge an athlete for more than how they perform in their sport.

Work Cited:

Savage, M. (2012). Body image in sports. Character Education - Santa Clara University. https://www.scu.edu/character/resources/body-image-in-sports/ 

Majumder, A. (2023, November 6). Olivia Dunne Sparks internet backlash over “photoshop” controversy in latest post. EssentiallySports. https://www.essentiallysports.com/us-sports-news-gymnastics-news-olivia-dunne-sparks-internet-backlash-over-photoshop-controversy-in-latest-post/ Garber, E. (2020, March 10).

Female athletes are worth more than their appearance. Massachusetts Daily Collegian. https://dailycollegian.com/2020/03/female-athletes-are-worth-more-than-their-appearance/

[voirists]

This is the picture I have as my profile on one of my socials.

Just a lot of tired rambling beneath the cut. Descriptions of not so great parenting and insinuated queerphobia, I guess?

Today my mother that I see once a year (and i'm very happy for those circumstances. 7 days a year are torture enough) called me on my dad's phone since she knew I wouldn't pick up if I saw her number to inquire about it. Or rather, interrogate me about it.

Her last update was me insinuating I had a girlfriend (which I didn't. I did say it out of spite though, since I'm afab and my mom is enough of a fucking queerphobe, she insists on disrespecting me in all ways possible and still hasn't managed to call me by the right names or pronouns even once without mocking me off the ends of the earth) and that nearly gave her an aneurysm, so I quite enjoyed not correcting her about that. That was nearly two years ago.

I also have never, never, ever brought up Pedro or anything of the like to her because she will never see any of his things on her own (she's kind of extremist old-fashioned when it comes to electronics and media too, what a shocker) and her favorite pastime is destroying the things I enjoy and making me miserable.

For some reason, she saw this picture today (I've had it for months) and her first thought was that this is a picture I took of my (non-existent) boyfriend. So she called me to complain that

1. Why doesn't she know about him? Clearly, we are best friends and she loves me oh so much and god, I am such a terrible daughter who just wants to make her miserable, what did I ever do to you? She's incredibly upset that I would not share these things with her (gasp) and she wants to meet him. I literally live in a different country. There are over ten hours of a drive between us (and thank fuck for that, physical distance is the only thing stopping her from randomly showing up on my doorstep and ruining my week and instantly making my mental health skyrocket 50 feet beneath the ground).

2. I seem to have fun. He seems to have fun. God forbid I have joy in my life that she can't get a chance to ruin and make about herself.

3. I am terrible with photography. Why is this picture so blurry? Also, he looks older. Have I finally realized the whole queer thing is just to make her suffer and myself special so I don't feel so worthless? Having a man put me in my place is just what I need, because clearly I'm still in my rebellious stage, thinking I don't want to see her every weekend.

4. She's also calling to remind me that it's mother's day, I owe it to her to celebrate her special day and she's so upset I didn't get her a week-long trip to Italy for two (that I wouldn't even be invited to) as a present. It's not like I'm barely paying rent and am lucky to have 20 bucks left at the end of a month.

And every time, she's fucking surprised as if it was big news that I'm not really into spending time with her as her metaphorical and literal punching bag, door mat and therapist. I wonder why that is. For fucks sake.

I am currently very tempted to photoshop myself into pictures with Pedro and putting them as my profile on that social she's apparently now stalking, slowly getting more unhinged until she's so fucking offended by it, she won't try to call me any longer out of pure disgust.

Apparently "Oh god, yes please" is not the right answer to her threat of putting me in therapy and going no contact because I'm so fucking horrible and bullying her by being myself and not giving a shit about her opinion anymore. I would have gotten myself therapy fucking years ago if I could afford it, and this is a very weird attempt to control a full ass adult who lives in a whole other country.

#sigh #nomad rambles #i don't even fucking know #just typing it out can be kinda nice sometimes

[woluf]

I...was trying to do something else and instead accidentally created a kiss-face monstrosity. Enjoy?

#I AM SUFFERING WITHOUT PHOTOSHOP #I can't fix the white edge for the crowley gif....GOD #good omens #good omens tv #good omens prime #crowley #aziraphale

[potteresque-ire]

This post is Part 5 of the five-part meta series on the Zhang Zhehan (張哲瀚) Incident, based on what has transpired up to 2021/08/22.

1) The 2nd Sino-Japanese War (1937-45) & the Yasukuni Shrine 2) Post-War Sino-Japanese Relations; “Every Chinese should visit the Yasukuni Shrine” 3) The Summer of 2021: The Brewing Storms for One 4) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part A 5) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part B

5) My Thoughts on Zhang’s Incident, Part B

As a highlight to the mob nature leading to Zhang’s downfall, please consider the timeline immediately before and after Zhang’s losing his endorsements on August 13th (or, why August 13th really mattered):

August 12th, evening: Zhang’s 2019 attendance of a wedding at the Nogi Shrine (乃木神社) went on Weibo hot search, and into public awareness. The Nogi Shrine (乃木神社) is of far less fame than the Yasukuni Shrine, but was named after a Japanese general of the Imperialist Japanese Army who was also the governor-general of then colonial Taiwan.

August 13th, ~ 2 am: netizens uncovered photos of Zhang’s 2018 visit to the Yasukuni Shrine, which were spread onto Weibo and made the hot search.

August 13th, 1:39 pm: Zhang posted his first letter of apology that began with: “Today, I’m ashamed of my once ignorant self, and furthermore, wants to apologise deeply for my past inappropriate behaviour.” (今天我為曾經無知的自己而羞愧，更要對之前不當行為深刻地道歉。)

August 13th, 2 pm: Nabuo Kishi, Japan’s current Minister of Defence, and a right-wing member of the House of Representative, Yasutoshi Nishimura, made an un-announced visit to the Yasukuni Shrine. The date was 2 days earlier than the 76th anniversary of Emperor Hirohito’s surrender speech (August 15th), as customary for Japanese officials to avoid visiting the shrine on significant anniversary dates of the war.

August 13th, 4:39 pm: People’s Daily (人民日報) published an online critique of Zhang’s apology. “… As a public figure, to be so lacking in historical knowledge, so unfeeling towards the suffering of the nation, it’s too inappropriate. On matters of righteousness of the nation, testing is not permissible, challenges are definitely not permissible. If knowingly committed, one would pay a heavy price.”  (。。。身為公眾人物，對歷史常識如此匱乏，對民族苦難渾然不覺，太不應該。事關民族大義，不容任何試探，更不容有任何挑戰。若明知故犯，就得付出沈重代價。)

August 13th, 5:05 pm: CCTV News (央視新聞) posted the video of Nabuo Kishi’s visit to the Yasukuni Shrine.

August 13th, 5:33: Zhang was dropped from his first endorsement. He would be dropped by all 27 of them within the next 5 hours.

August 13th, 5:35 pm: Zhang responded to People’s Daily’s critique piece, stating he shall repent and learn his lesson, and that as a Chinese, he loves his country and the CCP.

August 13th, ~6 pm: S. Korean news reported that the Korean Ministry of Foreign Affairs had summoned the Japanese ambassador in Korea to protest the visit of the Japanese Defence Minister to the Yasukuni Shrine.

August 13th, 6:26 pm: CCTV News (央視新聞) critiqued Zhang’s apology. “Whether to take photos in front of the Yasukuni Shrine, or to attend a wedding at the Nogi Shrine, Zhang Zhehan touched the wounds of history, hurt the feelings of the nation. It cannot be blamed on “once ignorance.” Just now, a Japanese Minister went to the Yasukuni Shrine for “demon worshipping” (Pie note: demon, from guizi 鬼子), China firmly opposes to this wrongdoing of Japanese high officials…” (無論在靖國神社前合影，還是到乃木神社參加婚禮，張哲瀚都觸碰了歷史傷痕，傷害了民族感情，不能簡單歸咎為「曾經無知」。就在剛剛，有日本大臣到靖國神社「拜鬼」，中方堅決反對日本政要這種錯誤做法。。。)

August 13th, 9 pm: China’s Ministry of National Defence answered press questions regarding the Yasukuni Shrine visit by Nabuo Kishi and Yasutoshi Nishimura.

Not only did Zhang’s incident happened in August, 2021, it happened on pretty much the worst day for him in August, 2021; the latest of his incident interleaved the unfolding news of the Japanese high officials’ visit to the Yasukuni Shrine.

What I’d like to call attention to, however, is this: Zhang’s endorsements didn’t begin dropping until *after* People’s Daily criticism.

If the companies had been genuinely offended by Zhang’s action, why was the wait necessary? If their Chinese feelings were genuinely hurt, why hadn’t they moved earlier, in the morning of August 13th, when Zhang’s visit went on hot search? Were these companies also ignorant about history, the significance of the the Yasukuni Shrine? The Chinese government has far more important things to worry about than an idol, but what about these companies that had paid good money for their spokesperson? That watch the public opinion, the market carefully?

Even if they didn’t care about the war themselves, why hadn’t they dropped Zhang based on the expected public opinion? What does that say about what these market experts believed, or knew about the public opinion? What does that say about their assessment of whether their potential customers would, as their actual selves, stop spending money on their products because of Zhang’s Yasukuni Shrine visit?

Were the act of dropping Zhang, then, more an act of performative patriotism than anything else? Once the first company started, the rest raced to follow for fear of being the slowest one, viewed as the least patriotic one. Hence, the 5-hour storm of endorsements abandoning Zhang. This herd ... mob behaviour, in which actions were either not taken or all taken at the same time, was also observed in the timing of different online platforms removing Zhang’s works, and fandom content with his name.

A “bingo card” for netizens to cross out Zhang’s endorsements as the sequential drops happened. Similar cards for Kris Wu had circulated in July. 

Were WoH and Zhang’s other group projects removed because Zhang was unpatriotic, or was it because the online platforms (and the tech giants behind them) were trying to protect themselves? Youku explained WoH’s first-time removal as a technical glitch but then, as reports of other platforms removing Zhang’s content poured in, the series was removed again.  

How much is real when it comes to the thunderous online declarations of love and betrayal against China? 

Related to this: turtles may remember the Xinjiang cotton incident in March, 2021, how Chinese netizens harassed anyone who used, endorsed Nike. One may assume, with that outcry, that rage, that anyone with a reputation to keep, with ties to the Chinese state, in particular, have severed their ties with the brand.

As it turns out, the teams of the Chinese Super (Football) League, for example, have kept their Nike kits. The Chinese Football Association (CFA), which, despite being officially non-governmental and nonprofit, is managed by the State General Administration of Sports (國家體育總局), issued a statement on March 27th on Weibo that only criticised Nike’s “wrong actions in choosing its cotton source” (對耐克公司在棉花原料選擇上的錯誤行徑表達了譴責), and reserved “its right to further deal with  contract with Nike” (保留進一步處理同耐克合同的權力). It never cut off the contract with Nike: a 10-year sponsorship,  signed in 2018, which amounts to 3 million RMB (463,000 USD) in funds from Nike for each football club every year. The CFA statement was later removed from Weibo. Photos of the football players have simply had the Nike Swoosh covered up, or photoshopped away. 

Photos from the Shanghai Shenhua football club, with and without the swoosh (Source).

Life is practical in China … and darkly humorous, at times. As a Mao-founded regime should be, perhaps.

I got Asks wondering then: will our non-Zhang-related favourite stars and CPs, dramas and fandoms get affected by the incident?

At the moment, my guess leans towards a no. My basis is this: in the critique piece against Zhang, published on 2021/08/16, by 中纪委 Central Commission for Discipline Inspection—the CCDI, by the way, is the highest anti-corruption, rules and regulations body in China—I believe the reason Zhang was disciplined was clearly stated:

對於所有「拜鬼」行為，中國都堅決反對。但如果我們國內的公眾人物去靖國神社都不被譴責和追究，我們又怎麼挺直腰桿要求外國人不去呢？

“Regarding all “demon worship” behaviour, China holds firm oppositions. But if our own public figures going to the Yasukuni Shrine get no reprimands, no investigations of responsibility, how can we straighten our backs and demand foreigners to not go?”

This has led me to think the state has no ulterior motives in targeting Zhang: Zhang’s “sin” was limited to his visiting the Yasukuni Shrine as a well-known, public figure, and/but that was enough. And the punishment had to be given in a heavy-handed, high profile manner, given the “news “of Zhang’s visit broke out on August 13, 2021. The following observation may be my being over-sensitive, but in the timeline above, Zhang was reprimanded, and his first round of the punishment in full swing (dropping of endorsements), before the China’s Ministry of National Defence talked to the press, which happened later than it had to be (compare the timing with S. Korea’s). Short of removing Zhang’s hot searches—which netizens would’ve noticed—this ordering of events was necessary; otherwise, the Chinese government issuing a formal complaint against Japan for their Minister of Defence’s visit to the shrine would’ve co-existed on the hot search with the report of China’s own celebrity visiting the same place. I therefore believe the state’s reaction had nothing to do with how Zhang achieved his fame, the past and present projects he was involved in, the CPs he was coupled with. Other state agencies and media would likely be careful about not attaching these topics to Zhang’s case as well, so not to distract from the central message of the government that … the Japanese are very bad people in the summer of 2021.

(Whether they’ll attach them to the Clear and Bright campaign is another matter.) 

Another Ask ~ Will Zhang be able to make a comeback? In five years? Ten?

Looking that far ahead is difficult, but one thing has to happen for Zhang to return—the Japanese have to stop being very bad people according to the Chinese government, which isn’t likely to happen soon. The Japanese government has shown few signs that they shall soon revise their attitudes towards their World War II history  (Yasutoshi Nishimura, who went to the Shrine with Japan’s Minister of Defence on August 13th, is associated with a historical revisionist group), while China’s escalating military aggression in the Indo-Pacific region will be seen as a growing threat to Japan, likely push the country towards the right. 

And 5, 10 years later, Zhang will be 35, 40 years old. Even if he’ll be able to work in the industry again, it’ll be difficult for him to achieve the fame he has before. Also, just because the government no longer bans him doesn’t mean production companies will be willing to hire him; he’ll be considered high risk—policies of China are volatile, after all, and the decision to un-ban can be easily reversed.

(I’m so sorry, Anon, I wish I have a better answer for you.)

And... here’s a thought I’ll finally end this meta series with. I don’t see Zhang as the only loser in this incident. I don’t really see any winners in this incident at all. An industry is dangerous for its every worker if its narrative, its list of guilty is penned by cyber mobs and in the name of patriotism; if the accused cannot speak for themselves, aren’t allowed to grow; if its rules of appropriate conduct are every-changing (The Reporter in 2017 = OK; Zhang in 2018 = Not OK); if its workers are penalised not by their own deeds but their associations (the rest of the cast and production team of WoH and other Zhang-associated projects).

The think tank for the National Ratio and Television Authority (國家廣播電視總局; NRTA, ie, the Chinese visual media censorship board), in their criticism piece about Zhang, hinted at even rougher waters ahead, in light of Zhang’s (and Kris Wu’s) transgressions:

明星頻頻「犯事」，說到底還是行業內對明星藝德約束不夠嚴格。據瞭解，電影行業正在籌備全國電影界道德委員會，將對電影從業人員道德規範提出更高要求，並提出，要將明星藝德納入法治化的軌道中來，給明星藝德約束加一道法規之鎖，明確明星的責任和義務，將明星的個人行為與職業利益掛鈎。 “The ultimate cause of stars “getting into trouble” frequently is that the industry has not tied a sufficiently severe bind on the stars’ artistic virtue (Pie note: roughly, = professional ethics). Based on reports, the film industry is preparing a National Film Industry Morality Committee that shall raise the moral requirements for film industry workers. The industry has also suggested that the stars’ artistic virtue shall eventually be governed by laws, to add a lock of legality to the bind of artistic virtues for the stars, to make clear the stars’ responsibilities and obligations, to couple a star’s personal behaviour with their professional (monetary) gains.”

My interpretation of this: should the suggestions become reality, it shall be written in future film contracts that a star who commits an act that the state considers immoral will have to pay the investors the production cost of their projects, and possibly, the projected profit. 

To put some dollar signs to this interpretation: a high-profile star may work on one or more projects with a price tag in the order of 100 million RMB (~15 million USD); box office, merchandise sells, and long term profits expected from online streaming can raise that number by several fold. This is a sum that even the most affluent stars will have a difficult time affording—and that’s before considering the endorsements, for which current contracts already require the stars to pay the damages.

The key word here is that the offending act only has to be considered immoral, not criminal. Immoral acts range from not liking the CCP enough—an easy-to-understand offence—to deviation from the society’s 公序良俗 (“public order and fine customs”), which includes just about anything that disagrees with the state-defined mainstream values.

Stars are stars because they invite the imaginations of their audience, because they break boundaries: from the seemingly insurmountable humdrum of daily life, to something that can be much, much more.

Stars should, of course, be law-abiding; they should be patriotic. But a star who’s mainstream in every way? Are they still a star, something we regular people wonder about, dream upon?

Bind and lock, the NRTA think tank referred to these suggestions. It reminders me of a quote by the famous Chinese director, Feng Xiaogang (馮小剛), who, in 2014, complained to BBC—perhaps in a slip of tongue—that Chinese directors could be like “dancing with fetters” (戴著腳鐐去跳舞) when working with the country’s censorship system.

Yeah. It’s kinda like that.

===

The Zhang Zhehan Incident Meta Series:

PART 1  PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 <- YOU ARE HERE

#pie metas

[silvysartfulness]

sorry to bother, but I recently re-read the last chapter of Heaven has a Road, (36 for future reference), and I don't even know how to phrase my question here. Did/Do you have a clear idea of what was going on through Xue Yang's head? (I think you know exactly when I'm talking about), did/do you have something from his perspective? are we getting some insight into his head and what this meant to him in future chapters? speaking of, is there a ETA? cause Im DYING over here, checking my mail daily

Never a bother! I love getting to talk about Heaven Has A Road - people asking questions about it really help boost my inspiration/motivation! ♥

I'm assuming you mean the last scene, with SongXue..? There will definitely be more of whatever the hell that is up ahead! Both Song Lan and Xue Yang are approaching the "post-incident" morning in their own very different ways - it's definitely shifted their relationship dynamics in a way they both wrestle with, and will keep wrestling with for quite some time!

As for the scene itself, what went through Xue Yang's head started as anger and frustration at not only being filthy but having to rely on an enemy to help him get clean, and then equal parts furiously resenting and helplessly enjoying that physical touch, the illusion of closeness and care - he's every bit as touch starved as Xiao Xingchen, and he hasn't been getting hugs and kisses to take the edge of it. Probably more furious at himself and his body for reacting as it does than Song Lan, though.

But then, once Song Lan turns out to actually be equally aroused... That's a game-changer! Suddenly there's a chance to actually get some of that physical touch - distraction, pleasure, release...

But he knows how easy it is to piss Song Lan off - the uptight lump takes offense at anything! - so he consciously opts to keep his mouth shut and just let Song Lan take the reins, as it were. Trying to vibe as much as he possibly can that he's all for this, without actually saying anything crass enough to make the prissy daoshi run away.

And for all that the sex itself wasn't great, getting to have it was amazing. Doesn't matter all that much with whom, or the circumstances, or that it hurt - it knocked him right out of the angry/hurt/hopeless thought spirals in his head for a few blissful moments, and was exactly what he needed.

... Only problem now being that he wants more of where that came from, and Song Lan will not be very easy to convince to go a second round. XD

I drew this image for a scene from next chapter - Xue Yang greeting Song Lan the next morning, tousled and smouldering, wearing nothing but Song Lan's robes... It may be good Song Lan is already dead, or he might just have suffered a heart attack. ♥

As for next update... I just got the chapter back from my beta, so in theory, once I've made the suggested edits, it'll be ready to go! I do, however, want to finish another one for my buffer pile before I post 37, and don't have a chapter image ready either... So realistically, probably not this week. Maybe next one, if I can finish a chapter image before I leave town next weekend - I can write away from home, but the laptop isn't powerful enough to run Photoshop.

So your guess is as good as mine? 😂

I am still steadily writing ahead, though (currently at 228k 😬) so hopefully soon!

#asksilvy #the happy songxuexiao roadtrip story