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s-b-party · 8 months

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Imbibitor Lunae & Bailu of the Path of Permanence

****Spoilers for Imbibitor Lunae companion quest****

The title might not make sense now but trust me I’ll explain lol

To sum up Imbibitor Lunae’s companion quest, it looks more into Dan Heng’s past life as Dan Feng

As we see the internal conflict amongst the Vidyadhara, we also take a close look at the relationship between Dan Heng & Bailu as two high elders (past & present)

There are 2 main sides who want different things when it comes to the high elder: those who want Bailu to stay as the high elder & those who want to change the high elder

The main reason for those in support of Bailu is that she herself was chosen by Dan Feng previously, so it is a case, as Jing Yuan states, of legitimacy

Those in opposition of Bailu do not acknowledge her bc they believe she is weak

And of course a majority of the vidyadhara we see (aside from Bailu) does not want Dan Heng back anywhere amongst them bc of what Dan Feng did

To clear up some possible confusion, there are 2 crimes at this point that Dan Feng may have committed, one is in regard to Blade’s backstory & the other involves the transmutation arcanum; the one that seems to be more relevant in this companion quest is the 2nd one

NOTE: In my original thread on Twitter, my phrasing was poor so it sounded like it was all facts but it's still essentially theories/implications at this point so I apologize for my bad phrasing over there if that's what you saw first, remember to take with a grain of salt

*For context of the 1st crime, it's implied that Dan Feng granted immortality to someone of the short-lived species which turned out to be Yingxing aka Blade; it is known that immortality is taboo on the Xianzhou so it would not be surprising if Dan Feng got punished for helping someone become immortal, leading to his molting rebirth & eventual exile as punishment*

*Arcanum comes from Latin meaning secret, could also be referring to a cure/medicine at times, transmutation refers to the process of changing one material into another (they need to have similar properties in order to be transmutated i.e. one metal to another metal, etc.)*

When we look at the dialogue of some of the characters, we can see some who mention a “draconic abomination”; we don’t know for certain who this is referring to, some would suggest Bailu because of the word “draconic” but what doesn’t click immediately is that they seem to talk about this abomination as if it was violent which doesn’t seem to fit Bailu’s temperament; now we aren’t completely sure of everything that happened back then so perhaps this could imply that Dan Feng tried to alter the transmutation arcanum multiple times & got different results aka there were experiments; Bailu’s last character story explains that something likely went wrong w/ the transmutation arcanum which stunted her growth so it would seem that Bailu’s (re)birth wasn’t typical (she also hasn’t seen any dreams of dragon ancestors); idk if I would go so far as to call her an abomination so it might be someone else

The changes made to the transmutation arcanum were to help the Vidyadhara escape the constant cycles of rebirth & to give them a way to procreate normally; it seemed that Dan Feng somehow managed to find a solution to that & this was his 2nd crime (because he was playing god by creating life)

Now the reason why I mention all of this is because it can be tied into what the existence of Long the Permanence could mean and I think that IL & Bailu could be considered as those who embody (not follow) the Path of Permanence (I know they are the Paths of Destruction & Abundance respectfully but hear me out 😂)

HYV recently released the video regarding Long & it brought up an overall interesting question: what is the meaning behind the existence of permanence?

For Preceptor Taoran, he states “Only by comprehending & aligning with the way of the world can one’s path lead to everlasting existence. Countless new creations emerge when one dragon meets its end among the morning stars. For the Vidyadhara, this is the true meaning of the Permanence.” (2:16 in video)

Now obviously not every Vidyadhara is going to agree w/ this but it does bring up what the 2 sides in the quest truly seek; there is an irony to the reasoning behind both sides’ views against Bailu & Dan Feng/Heng respectively

In Bailu’s case, she is seen as “weak & useless” & the high elder should be someone strong and yet she has healing capabilities that make her extraordinary even among the Vidyadhara; Dan Feng was known to be a warrior but then he committed sins which involved tampering of life & immortality for which he was punished

Both are resented for something they lack or something bad they did but they are revered for the traits they do have

Bailu is revered for her healing abilities but resented for her lack of strength, Dan Feng was revered for being a strong warrior but resented for messing w/ life

I’d like to suggest that the quest presents Bailu & Imbibitor Lunae as 2 halves of a whole which make up the Path of Permanence, life (Bailu of abundance) & death (Imbibitor Lunae of destruction)

As Taoran stated, life is full of changes and those who understand the world & its laws can reach everlasting existence; life is full of cycles of life & death which Bailu & IL symbolize

Even more interesting is how well Bailu & IL get along with each other despite their differences & how others view them; they are a great duo to depict balance

At the end Bailu wonders why Dan Feng chose her as his successor & even though Dan Feng committed some crimes, part of me thinks that him choosing her makes sense if we look at it symbolically (after destruction comes life & it’ll repeat), it all comes back to life & death which is needed for balance & it’s this balance that makes up Permanence

So what about the other Vidyadhara? What they want is one or the other, representing imbalance which would contradict a bit of what Taoran stated was the meaning of the Permanence

Now this isn’t to say that Dan Feng was right about doing what he did or that they should get rid of Bailu, what I want to emphasize is that the Vidyadhara’s internal conflict beautifully depicts the question of what Long’s revelation about Permanence signifies for them

There isn’t truly one single correct answer; if we refer back to “Exodus of the Five Dragons” Penman Oppenheimer gives 3 possible answers that could answer that big question

The thing is not everybody is going to have the same answer

Some might agree w/ either of those that Oppenheimer suggested, others might have different answers, but that is just how life is

We often say that nothing lasts forever which is true but I think that some of the things that do last forever are life’s beauty & its complexities

#honkai star rail #hsr #honkai star rail lore #honkai star rail spoilers #hsr aeons #hsr long #imbibitor lunae #bailu #dan feng #dan heng

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seitosokusha · 2 months

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using legends to reshape me, using agony to reforge me 15

-Last Time-

“Perhaps, a history lesson to start?” Welt offers.

Dan Heng sighs. “Yes, perhaps if I start from the very beginning. It will make more sense.”

He looks up at the dragon that sits perched on the Lair. It stares back down at him, looking fierce at first glance, but it’s gentle to Dan Heng. It’s been millenia since Dan Heng has seen this face, but… he remembers it all the same.

“Let’s start with the story of Long.”

-.-.-

There once was a dragon, with scales that shimmer like rainbows under the light. They started off small, and then grew and grew and grew until they looped their entire homeworld once from head to tail.

At first, the ocean they called home was large and grand. Exploring every nook and cranny until they knew it like the back of their tail. Then came the boredom. There was nothing left to explore, far too big for their home.

So they turned their gaze to the stars.

Thus began Long’s journey through the galaxy.

The universe was young then.

Long traveled, seeking, exploring, growing. They saw many things, hundreds of thousands of different worlds, so many different species. Some were old hands at this space traveling, others were mere fledglings, learning how to fly.

They flew through the galaxy, seeing all that changed and all that didn’t. Planets spun, the stars drifted, and yet every planet had a morning, an evening. Every new discovery brought the simple question: “why do they exist?”

It was a question full of wonder.

It was a question that damned them.

#adorned in starlight au #seitowrites #hsr jing yuan #hsr blade #hsr bailu #hsr trailblazer #hsr stelle #hsr dan heng #hsr march 7th #hsr welt #hsr himeko #honkai star rail #hsr #hsr long

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windtorndagger · 9 months

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Hear me out…jingheng but add some LanLong angst…Long was the first one to undergo the rebirth cycle and does so every few millennia. However, if their egg is disturbed/destroyed, they rebirth as a Vidyadhara.

For centuries now, Long has been rebirthing into Imbibitor Lunae. Because of Yaoshi's appearance, Long's egg has never be undisturbed, so they've never been able to rebirth into their Aeon form. Lan mourns this, mourns never being able to see Long again.

Jing Yuan, who Lan has long since shared a mind with, falls for Dan Feng, against Lan's wishes. They know the pain that Jing Yuan will go through, the pain of having to watch over and over their loved one rebirth.

But just like them, Jing Yuan is willing to endure.

Meanwhile, Dan Heng doesn't understand his dreams, doesn't understand what this painful yearning he is feeling, because the man in his dreams never has a clear face. He doesn't understand what all the cracked eggs mean, why the sound of a dragon crying haunts his sleep.

#i live for reincarnation angst #i also enjoy jing yuan angst #hsr jing yuan #jing yuan #dan heng #hsr lan #hsr long #lanlong #jingheng

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cherrydistrict · 1 year

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🕸 you won’t remember a thing except me.

#im so normal about kafka #she is sooo #kafka #kafka honkai star rail #kafka fanart #honkai star rail #honkai star rail fanart #hsr kafka #hsr #art #my art #sorry i havent posted art in so long #i was busy and then hsr happened so i HAD to sit and draw Her #motherquake measuring 9.0 on the cunter scale

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ryanthel0ser · 1 month

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Alright so I'll never play gacha games, I actively dislike them.

But...lord have mercy in heaven above

#on top of the fact he's got multiple checkmarks for my type as a country girl myself this is appealing to me in ways i didnt think it would #robot aspects mixed in with some goth aspects mixed in with western LORDY #AND he's a gunslinger with long mostly white hair #in the chaps too...catch me at the saloon later #*loops She Keeps Me Up by Nickleback*#i need his voice lines like yesterday #they cooked him up just for me #honkai star rail #hsr #hsr boothill #boothill

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qiinamii · 8 months

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old men's little guys

#again they're separate tweets in the linked words! the first pic is older #got a buncha whoopsies in the 2nd pic so this is the revised one LMAO i give u the tumblr priviledge #ive been playing HSR since release day would you believe me that the standard banner gave me every 5* charas except yanqing #and bronya like i s2g if it gives me bronya or Not yanqing b4 i can hit its 300 pull. i will sue yanqing personally idc if hes 14 /lh #old long-life grandpas with their boys whos either unsatisfied or doesnt know how to accept gifts pick a struggle #qiiarts #zhongli #jing yuan #yanqing #xiao #lumine #sword choices were hard SKDJFHSDF #genshin impact #honkai star rail #stelle

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wayward-banana · 1 month

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if this image gets one likes I will spend 500$ on his banner when it drops

#likes my own post. what.#hsr #honkai star rail #boothill #hsr boothill #what a silly silly name #anyways just something quick because I saw he has pointy teeth and swallowed a bullet and long hair and is a robot and I just….#I saw stars I think. I Want Him.#my art #have I been tagging with that? idkkkk

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dizzybizz · 3 months

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in their natural habitats

#ITS BEEN SO LONG SINCE I PROPERLY DREW THE THREE OF EM #honkai star rail #trailblazer #march 7th #dan heng #hi my art style is going someplace new. found something i like. we will see if anything sticks.#anyways im so excited for penacony........... :)#i have been slowly reentering my hsr phase #<- thats the only warning you get #my art

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abyssruler · 7 months

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TROPES

ft. jing yuan, dan heng, blade x gn!reader

JING YUAN - reincarnation

They say the Arbiter General of the Luofu only takes a lover every few decades, each one doomed to end in the tragedy that befalls that of a love between a short-life species and a long-life one. It’s widely speculated why the famed general chooses to continue taking short-life species for lovers, knowing the ending that would come about such a union. Jing Yuan cares not for idle gossip, save for the fact that people spread misinformation about him taking multiple lovers, but he can hardly tell everyone that he has only had one lover throughout his centuries of life. It’s just that you always happen to die far too soon for his liking. He fears sometimes, during those first few years after your death, that you’ll never come back, that one day he’ll wake up and realize that hundreds of years have passed without you. But you never fail to appear decades later with a smile on your lips and an apology on your tongue, soothing years’ worth of worries with a few measly words. Sorry, Yuan, I’ll be sure to live longer this time.

DAN HENG - soulmates

The Imbibitor Lunae was not only tasked to bear the responsibility of being the High Elder of the Vidyadhara, he was also destined for a love that spanned beyond lifetimes. Dan Heng knows of the story between the previous incarnations of you and the Imbibitor Lunae. Reincarnating at the same time, falling in love, and repeating it all over again in a never ending cycle that Dan Heng had been sure to end—that was, until he met you. Jing Yuan told him of your decision to forcefully reincarnate as well after Dan Feng’s crime, so it stands to reason that you shouldn’t feel anything for Dan Heng at all, what with this incarnation of yours having never met him in this lifetime. And yet, you keep looking at him with such softness, something like nostalgia in the tone of your voice as you spoke with him, that he can’t help but feel as though he, like his previous incarnations before him, can do nothing but fall into that never-ending cycle of love and being loved.

BLADE/YINGXING - time travel

Yingxing thinks you’re strange. Not in a bad way, of course, only that your mannerisms and way of conduct when it comes to him and his companions is odd. He’s caught you almost calling Dan Feng the wrong name, Dan He-something. You keep demanding Jing Yuan to spar with you for what you dubbed was a ‘rematch’, though Yingxing has no recollection of any instances of you and Jing Yuan fighting before. But it all pales in comparison to the way you act with him. You’re overly familiar, smiling and talking to him as though you’ve known him for years instead of a single month after he discovered you wounded on an alley with a broken blade. He still remembers the look of relief on your face when he crouched in front of you in concern. Blade, Kafka’s gonna kill me, this is the fiftieth sword I broke this month, was all you said before passing out. Despite the oddity of your first meeting, he found himself getting close to you, drawn in by your smile and your laugh and the tender way you looked at him. He imagined spending what remained of his life with you, but you disappeared a day before he was supposed to confess his feelings. It isn’t until many years later, when Elio is introducing the newest member of the Stellaron Hunters, that Blade connects the dots amidst his fractured memory. And it isn’t until another few years that you confirm his suspicions. Blade, you won’t believe what I just went through—or rather, when!

#blade’s got too long hrng it’s because it deserves a fic of its own hehe #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #jing yuan x reader #dan heng x reader #imbibitor lunae x reader #blade x reader #yingxing x reader #gn reader

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annqer · 12 days

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Don't you want to become a cult leader?

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walpu · 2 months

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hey, hey, I don't know how many times I've read your post "pre-relationship" especially aventurine part (omg i love how you write abt him 😭). I wonder how it will be once they are in a relationship and the kissing part please :3 thank u and have a nice day!

THANK YOUUUUU

Hope you'll enjoy this post too💛💛💛

being in a relationship with Aventurine

characters - Aventurine notes - gn!reader, fluff, hurt/comfort (do I even write something other that hurt/comfort for him lmao), no beta

can be seen as a part 2 of this post but it can stan on it's own as well

Aventurine

It would take quite some time for Aventurine to move from the pre-relationship stage with you. Will dance around the subject, throwing hints and flirty remarks but as for making an actual move? Oof.

Would cling to your side and shamelessly say something like "aww, can't get enough of me? people may think we're dating <З unless that's what you want them to think haha"

Pathetic. /affectionally.

But seriously, he really wants to be sure that you like him before making a move. That you like him, not his money, not the idea of him. At least that's what he tells himself. And while this is part of the reason, the actual thing is that he's simply... confused. He's already more vulnerable around you than he ever was around anyone else. And dating means being even more vulnerable.

While he yearns for this genuine connection he's also a scared of it. Tim Kreider wrote the line "If we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known" about him actually. Source: trust me bro.

It would take some time for him to get used to being in relationship. In the previous post I've mentioned that he, most likely, had some short flings in the past. I seriously doubt that he ever had any serious relationship before you though. It's so new to him. At first it would seem like nothing has changed between the two of you at all. Surprisingly, it looks like he even became a bit more distant.

Aventurine doesn't want to attract any unwanted attention to your relationship since it will only endanger you. Plus he doesn't want to overwhelm you. Plus he doesn't want to overwhelm himself. Plus he is scared shitless.

He can't help but feel that he looses everything he holds dear. After all, it's been like that for all of his life. And he simply can't loose you.

Mini spoiler for his leaked character story, but there is a moment there when he looks at the aventurine stone Diamond gave him and he realizes that despite the fact that he worked so hard for it, now that he has it, it holds no real value since it doesn't fill the emptiness inside of him. Logically, he knows that this won't happen with you. He loves you too much. But there's this subconscious fear inside of him that he's just so messed up inside that he simply would not be able to love you like you deserve.

Be patient with him, this mans doesn't know what he's doing. Don't give up on him and he'll crawl to your side, holding onto you for dear life.

Once he will calm down a bit, he'll make it up for all those times when you were the one reaching out to him. Texts you, calls you, arranges spontaneous dates.

In the beginning of relationship would spoil you with expensive gifts. He knows what it's like to have nothing so he doesn't want you to ever feel this way. And the best way to prevent it? To make sure that you will have anything and everything. Maybe it's a subconscious way to bribe you. Maybe. Not like he realizes it himself.

Once he'll feel more stable and more confident, his gift giving tendencies will get less overwhelming. He still like giving you gifts but now he picks and chooses. His sugar darling deserves only the best, after all.

Acts all clingy, playful and unserious but actually listens to your every word and is ready to fulfil your every need.

Is actually very caring. Shows his care by pestering you and easing you tho.

If you feel down, will sit stay by your side. May randomly start tickling you, if you're ticklish. If not, will find another way to touch you in a playful and somewhat annoying way. After you cheer up a bit, Aven will put his chin on your shoulder and hugs your waist, softly asking what happen and why is his dearest darling seems sad.

As for kisses. Aven will loooove covering your face with butterfly kisses. And not only your face. Will randomly grab your hand and kiss your knuckles and fingertips. If you've made a mistake of exposing your shoulder then be ready for it to be kissed endlessly.

Adores kissing those parts of your body that are usually covered with clothes. It feels fore intimate for him.

And if you have freckles or/and beauty marks. Oh well. Will trace them with his fingertips, connecting them with some invisible lines and sometimes gasp playfully, saying that he found his constellation. Just a silly little guy being a silly little guy.

So touch-starved it's unreal.

Has very mixed feeling about his tattoo being kissed. Would feel... weirs if you would kiss it during your casual cuddling session. He exposes it for the world to see, yes. But still, when it attracts attention of someone who knows the meaning behind it... Makes him a bit tense, it catches him off-guard. However, if you kiss it after a lovemaking session or when he shares some painful memories with you, he will feel reassured.

Will slowly start crawling out of his shell when he's with you. Before he only shared some brief memories of his past with you, now he'll start slowly opening up about other, much more painful stuff.

It still happens randomly and out of the blue. He remembers something, he tenses up. But now, instead of repressing this feelings, he shares them with you.

Don't push him too talk, he'll slowly open up on his own.

Loves waking up next to you. Especially if you're still asleep. Seeing the sun shining on your face fills him with love and tenderness. Only with you by his side he feels truly safe.

#one day i'll learn to control my word vomit and my post'll stop being so fuckass long #hsr #honkai star rail #hsr aventurine #aventurine x reader #aventurine #walp's writing #reader insert

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fruit-sy · 11 months

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Feral Raccoon Woman Stelle Takes A Bath

#Long post #honkai star rail #hsr #honkai star rail fanart #stelle #march 7th #pom-pom #Welt Yang #I crave chaotic astral express family interactions so i made this lol #my art

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b1adie · 2 months

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SPARKLE — MONODRAMA

what is a fool? knowing when to act foolish, like i do! do you get it now? what is elation? me. i am elation.

#WHY WAS HER TRAILER SO GOOD I CANT EVEN FIT ALL THE GIFS I WANT TO MAKE INTO THIS WITHOUT THE POST BEING 10 MILES LONG #honkai star rail #hsr #sparkle hsr #hanabi #sparkle #flashing #flashing gif #eye strain #eyestrain #my gifs #trailer gifs #aventurine #black swan #acheron

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insertsomthinawesome · 8 months

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Made myself a celebratory art piece for getting IL Dan Heng 🥺💚❤💖

-NO ROMANCE INCLUDED-

#Honkai Star Rail #Trailblazer #Caelus #Dan Heng #March 7th #Sampo Koski #Imbibitor Lunae #IL Dan Heng #Dan Heng HSR #Caelus hsr #March 7th hsr #Sampo Koski hsr #Trailblazer hsr #Honkai Star Rail spoilers #Another tagging scheme to figure out (squashed thinking emoji face)#isa's fanart #InsertSomthinAwesome #Semptember2023 #Long time no art post! I've been dealing with stuff and slow to art x'3 #I ended up starting Star rail alsdjflsajsldgasg I really really like it honestly :)#The characters are so good.... I have my favs too. That may or may not be revealed through art soon HAHAHAHA #Dan Heng is a good lad too ;;v;; and I was so happy he came home like this. I didn't have guarantee so I'm doubly glad #I was so afraid I'd get one of the standard banner 5 stars I didn't want.#And Kafka avoided me entirely #He was nice to me after all my troubles asldfjLSDJGLSDG

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devxoid · 13 days

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regarding dr ratio's team join voiceline with aventurine

idk where it originated from but i've been seeing this notion that the ENG voiceline is horribly mistranslated and ratio is much more caring and friendly in the original CN. THIS IS LITERALLY NOT TRUE HE IS JUST AS BITCHY IN BOTH LANGUAGES

as a native chinese speaker i actually really love hsr's localisation and i would like to clarify the misconception + explain the cultural nuance/context behind this particular voiceline

i think this tweet might've been the original source for this misconception? op's translation of the CN line is very literal and completely lacking in cultural nuance. while the sentence 管好你自己 does literally translate to "take care of yourself", it lacks the automatic positive connotation that this sentence has in ENG. CN is a high context language -- aka the meaning of a sentence can be totally different based on context clues like tone, body language, etc.

ratio's tone in this line is not the tone of someone who is concerned for a friend. it's standoffish. when said in this kind of tone, the meaning of 管好你自己 is closer to "mind your own business", making the ENG "keep to yourself" a more accurate localisation.

in addition, the word 管 has connotations of controlling/managing something -- directly translating this to "take care of yourself" means it's missing a lot of important nuance.

granted, the second half of the line is a bit unnecessarily aggressive in ENG. the CN is more like "I have no need for your concern", and explicitly saying that he believes aven's concern to be "false" in ENG is definitely a lot ruder than the original line.

However. in my opinion it's not Too far off base. the way he emphasises the second half of that voiceline in CN carries an implication that he actually disdains aven's concern; we can extrapolate from context clues that he feels this way because aven's concern is just an act. tldr; eng line explicitly saying "false display" does make it ruder than CN but it didn't just come from nowhere -- the implication is already there in CN

this is not to say that ratio doesn't care about aven or see him as a friend. imo the reason ratio is so standoffish in this line is because any display of concern from aven here has the clear intention of teasing ratio. they both know ratio can take care of himself perfectly well. this is just how their dynamic works -- aven makes silly playful comments and ratio deflects them by acting cold.

in conclusion: ENG voiceline is not a mistranslation. hsr localisation is definitely not perfect but in this particular case i feel they've done a fairly good job of conveying the original meaning. thank you for coming to my ted talk

#SORRY FOR THE LONG ASS POST #Im just passionate about accurate localisation #if you read the whole thing thank you seriously #if anyone has other thoughts or questions please feel free to share under this post or in my inbox or wherever!#i did cross check all this with another native speaker but im open to hearing other ppl's interpretations too #dr ratio #aventurine #aventio #ratiorine #not necessarily ship but ill tag anyway #honkai star rail #hsr #long post

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nomazee · 1 month

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close to your heart and that bed of yours too

you've been having the same weird dream about dan heng, over and over, and it just so happens that he's had the same dream, too.

dan heng x gn reader — 2.4k — super suggestive content but definitely nothing serious or graphic, some guilt abt attraction, dreams, romantic fantasies but not weird ones, kissing and closeness and physical touch, literal sleeping together

notes: forgive me and my debaucherous writing... this is nowhere near smut but it's definitely suggestive they get touchy and feely but it's very emotions-focused...oh my god what did i write this is so

—°+..｡*ﾟ｡*ﾟ+.*.｡.—

It’s probably not possible to get cabin fever on a constantly-running space train, but that’s the only reasonable explanation for the weird, weird recurring dream you’ve been having about Dan Heng. It’s not— not that weird, not weird enough that you feel like a complete deviant, but enough for you to realize that it’s a complete reflection of your innermost thoughts and desires, and that scares you more than anything.

The dream— it goes like this:

You wake up—not in real life, but in the dream world, which freaked you out the first time because you didn't realize you were dreaming at all so you thought everything was entirely real—and it’s usually because of the noise of your door sliding open. The instinct to look and see who it is doesn’t hit you. You lay there, gaze fixed distantly on the steel surface of your ceiling until the feeling of your bedsheets moving next to you pushes you to full awareness.

You still don’t move your gaze until you feel a body—warm, breathing, real real real?—lift up your blankets and slide underneath them, pressing next to you, curling into your side as if seeking out your life source. Your breath catches in your throat every single time as you turn to see that it’s Dan Heng, still dressed in his work clothes because he doesn’t understand the concept of pajamas, and his arm reaches around you and curls around your shoulder and he rests his head on your collarbone, gently, and you can feel his breath fan against the fabric of your shirt and your skin.

Dan Heng says your name with reverence, with something like desire, and it makes your stomach clench and he turns his body into you more. He tucks his leg between yours—not moving, just sitting there, a reminder of him, his warmth—and he’s so, so warm, it amazes you that he’s like a furnace, and that he’s so unbothered by laying so close to you under all of your blankets.

And he says your name again, each and every time, and it spurs something in you and you bring your arms around him each and every time, and pull him close, and feel the way he shudders, like a cold breeze wracking his body, like he’s never been this close to anyone before, and it dawns on you that he probably hasn’t—and that thought alone spirals into the realization that Dan Heng would never do this—

And then you wake up. Each time.

The first time it happened, you didn't realize it was a dream, and you were so overwhelmed with thought after thought and feeling after feeling and sensation after sensation. When you finally woke up, it felt like you were grieving a loss. You felt too cold, and too empty, and curled into yourself and laid in your bed for an hour taking in shaky breaths until you finally got over yourself.

You couldn't face Dan Heng for that entire day. Which was fine, because he spent his whole day in his room shuffling through the archives, so he was easy to dodge. But then you dreamt of him again. And again, and again, and then it just became a part of your nighttime routine to dream of your own friend so intimately and then wake up and pretend like nothing matters and nothing changed. Pretend like you didn't feel anything, and pretend like these dreams didn't flood you with guilt about your sick sick feelings and your sick sick fantasies.

You tried to rationalize it, make yourself feel less awful. The dreams never went past him laying beside you, for the most part, and you preferred it that way. If they got any more intimate than they already were, you would’ve thrown yourself off the Express the next morning.

Regardless, the Dan Heng in your dream and the Dan Heng that you saw every morning were different people, because the Dan Heng you saw every morning would never get so close to you. Would never lay in your bed and breathe on your neck like that.

Never. That distinction is the only thing that convinces you to let yourself dream. You indulge, and it’s sickening, but you let your dreams happen over and over, and each time you hold Dan Heng tighter and tighter and tighter, and let him breathe against your neck, and feel the rush of his blood circulating through his body.

One night, in one iteration of this dream, Dan Heng kisses you. It feels so real that it makes you nauseous. His lips were warm and damp and clumsy against the corner of your mouth, and he let out anxious breaths until you tangled your hands in his hair and tugged him closer and kissed him back.

You woke up sick, running to your bathroom to puke in the sink as your hands shook in guilt. Somehow, you could still talk to Dan Heng normally that day, stomach twisting only the slightest bit whenever your gaze lingered on him for too long.

Welt might have noticed how weird you were acting. There was a nagging furrow in his brow and he caught your gaze more than once and each time, you felt waves of humiliation crash into you, flooding you in heat and guilt and vertigo. He looked like he wanted to pry in that odd, awkward, old-man-paternal way of his, but you just shook your head and looked away and begged, hoped, wished upon a star that you would have a normal dream tonight.

The night— it goes like this:

You lay in your bed, staring at your ceiling, leftover remnants of guilt swimming in your lungs and nightly congestion forcing you to take shallow breaths through your mouth. Thoughts run through your mind and slam into your skull at rapid speed. Has Dan Heng noticed how weird you’ve been acting? He hasn’t treated you any differently, but maybe it’s out of pity. Maybe you haven’t been paying enough attention, because you’re so busy replaying that dream over and over and over, obsessive, wondering if you should just let go of the rope you’re suspended on and slam into the water and drown in your wants and your needs.

So you close your eyes, and you let yourself drift off and wake back up in your dream. You’re on your side now, instead of on your back, and the door is on the far wall behind you. You still hear it slide open, as it always does in this dream, and the footsteps get closer until you hear the shuffling of someone kneeling behind you. And then there’s nothing.

Your blankets don’t get lifted up. There’s no warm body tucking itself next to you. But there’s— a voice, Dan Heng’s voice, and your heart sinks into your stomach as you hear the pitch of his voice, the vibrations of sound.

“Are you awake?”

Your brow furrows, and you clench and unclench your fists twice before parting your dry, trembling lips. He’s never spoken in a dream before, not like this. He’s only ever said your name. Your fingers twitch with the instinct to pinch yourself.

“Yes,” you respond, hoping that the confusion isn’t clear in the timbre of your voice. “What’s— is something wrong?”

“No,” he says immediately. Clothes rustle as he adjusts himself. You’re scared to turn around and face him. You don’t know what you’d see. “You…” and he pauses, thinking of his words. Dan Heng would rather take a full minute to think about what to say, what words to pick, instead of stumbling over syllables, and it’s so unlike your own habits and as you think of this, your fingers twitch again. This time with the desire to hold his hand, because that’s what you’re supposed to do in this dream, but everything feels too real now and you don’t know where you are.

Finally, he finds his words. You’re patient with him. “I can’t sleep alone,” he whispers, as if embarrassed to admit it, “not tonight. I trust you.”

God. He can’t say that. He shouldn’t say that, because your head is spinning and you’re going to throw up. Your hand finds the strength to pick itself up and pinch the skin of your forearm. You’re not dreaming.

“Yeah,” you cough out, sniffling afterwards to cover up your budding anxiety as you finally sit up and turn to face him. “Yeah, you can, um. Sleep here.”

When he finally enters your field of vision, he looks the same as he always does—both in your dreams and in real life. It makes you sick. The guilt that you feel now comes more from the fact that he’s still in his typical outfit instead of pajamas.

“Dan Heng,” you start as you shuffle back on your bed to make space for him. He follows your motion, kneeling on the edge of your mattress before adjusting the sheets around you to tuck himself underneath and lay down. “We need to get you pajamas. I don’t know how you sleep like that.”

“I don’t sleep,” he admits, “not usually. I don’t need a lot of sleep.”

“You do. You might not think so, but you probably do. I wish I had a spare set of pajamas, but— they’re all, um, in the wash right now.”

“It’s okay. Your blankets are nice.”

Words tingle against your gums, syllables of confessions lighting up in your mouth. You want to tell him that a dream-version of him has slept under a copy of these blankets multiple times before, that you’ve dreamed for weeks about him curled into you and sleeping, and saying your name, and kissing the corner of your mouth. Right now, you’re just laid side-by-side, shoulder-to-shoulder, but you can feel how warm he is and his hand is so close to yours and you just want to hold it. You want him to say your name and look at you and hold your hand.

“Good,” you say instead of everything else that you could say, because you have a sense of self control at times.

Then Dan Heng says your name, rolling onto his side to face you, hands tucked underneath the side of his face in a stupidly endearing sleeping position. You follow suit, because your self control isn’t that strong. He doesn’t say anything else. Just your name, once. With reverence and desire. Maybe you’re dreaming it, but you pinch your knuckles again and yet you’re still in the same room with the same man in front of you.

One of your arms is bent between you two, hand resting on the pillow that separates you two. Dan Heng’s own hand—warm, and breathing, and real— comes up to rest on top of yours, and you cannot believe any of this is happening. You want to pinch yourself again but his hand is curling around yours and he’s inching forward and you hope that your deer-in-headlights expression doesn’t scare him off.

“Dan Heng,” you whisper, voice cracking with an embarrassing desperation. It’s a warning for him, before he does whatever he’s about to do. But he says your name, again, and his face is so close to yours that you can feel every breath fan against your face, and your entire body is warmed and your hand flips over to hold his, fingers slipping between his and tightening around it.

“Have you had these odd dreams these last few nights,” he asks, a leading tone in his voice, “because I have. About you,” and he’s too honest, and you have to swallow your saliva before it turns into sweat and blood, and you feel his hand squeeze back around yours. His is shaking, and you find some kind of comfort in knowing that you’re not the only one.

“Yeah,” you answer, because you can’t get more than one syllable out at a time tonight. Could anyone blame you? Would Dan Heng blame you for that, afterwards, even though his face is so close and his hand is so warm and it’s tight around you, and he’s shuffling around again, constantly fidgeting, and he takes his other arm and slides it around you, hand between your shoulder blades. He hooks a leg between yours, tugging you closer and closer and closer. You’re blinking at him, heart caught in your throat and eyes landing on his lips so that maybe he’ll finally take the hint.

He does. He does, and as cliche as it is, it’s better than your dream. He kisses you, desperate, and right before your eyes flutter shut you catch the contemplative furrow in his brow. His mouth is—warm, damp, but you feel the crack in the skin in the center of his bottom lip. It scrapes against you and you can’t help the shaky sigh you release at the feeling, and the hand on your back curls into the fabric of your sleep shirt.

Your eyes are closed, tight, scared that if you open them, you’ll just wake up back in your room, alone and cold again with your empty steel ceiling. Dan Heng’s mouth is moving against yours with a practiced proficiency that you’re almost jealous of. You let your tongue trace the edges of his teeth, carnal in your desires, before you bite down on his lip hard enough to leave a temporary dent. He shudders, hand trembling against yours and lips pulling back from yours as he tucks his head into your neck and lets out shaky breaths lines with addictive sounds. You’re going crazy. He’s driving you crazy.

The hard, carved metal parts of his clothes dig into you. Your hand goes around him to rest on the back of his head, threading through his hair as his breathing slows against you. “We can go shopping somewhere tomorrow,” you tell him, already thinking of how you’d convince Pom-Pom to land at some shopping district of some planet. “You need pajamas.”

“There’s no need for me to have that,” he says, stubborn and set in his ways, even with something as mundane as sleep clothes. “My normal clothes are fine.”

“Not if you’ll be sleeping in my bed.”

And that makes him succumb to your whims, much too easy for your own good, and you laugh when he lets out a weary sigh at your reciprocal stubbornness. Your fingers keep combing through his hair, soft and meaningful, until he falls asleep. You think you'll get him a blue plaid pajama set. He'd look nice in it.

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