#how i've been feeling lately lol

[zarla-s]

Dooo it, doooo it

(Links - neocities, sadgrl.online, w3schools, word to html editor, github, lissa explains it all, beginner's guide to html and css)

bleh I think i caught a cold on my trip, I've got a headache. plz allow for any delays, haha

[patreon]

#zar and friends #z art #how i've been feeling lately lol #the solution to all problems is MAKE A WEBSITE #more sites more sites! make more sites! #make more tf2 sites so i can link them to my tf2 site lol

[greywoe]

"The she-wolf laid into the squires with a tourney sword, scattering them all. The crannogman was bruised and bloodied, so she took him back to her lair to clean his cuts and bind them up with linen."

#asoiaf #asoiaf fanart #lyanna stark #howland reed #my drawings #i wonder how many times i've reread that chapter with meera's story lol #i like this moment esp it's so sweet #and clearly made an impact on howland as he followed ned into the war later.. all the way to the tower #ohhhh you know what now i want a howland and jon interaction. i want them to meet. oh man #asos #anyway i've been in a bit of a slump lately so this isn't great but eh. i've got a few backlogged as well i might upload..sometime #it was super foggy today to the point of not seeing anything which was very cool so i guess that motivated me to finish this #i like weird weather but it should have snowed damn it. there's almost always snow on my birthday so this feels like an ominous sign #also there are odd places in my neighbourhood where tons of crows and rooks and jackdaws gather for whatever reason and i see them on walks #and i always go hmm looks like a feast for crows over there. heh

[sysig]

for requestober !! can i ask for a crossover of vargas and tsp ? something like , stanley being edgar and scriabin being the narrator:3

Day 1 - Destruction

#My art #Requestober #Vargas #Scriabin #Edgar #The Stanley Parable #Watch out - I'm doing cool stuff with transparency again #And this time it actually presents cleanly on the dash hells yeah >:3c #Quick first thing that stands out to you about style stuff! #I've been feeling gums lately teeth and gums but especially gums #They are good for big expression work and they are also weird :) #I'm not used to it yet! But I think I like it! In like a mixed way lol #Very good for expression work I just fjdksalfjd they are very strange #Anyhow! #Been a while since I dipped into the Vargas/TSP well :3c #I decided to go with one of the tag-dialogue I had set aside for myself in the original doodle post haha #It's a good bit of dialogue ♪ Definitely one of my favourites it rides around in my head rent free #Just leaving it as their void untouched with such an emphasis on how wrecked the place is tho #That wouldn't do would it ♪ #What did you do Edgar? #Went and found a beasty who tore the walls apart haha #Either that or Scriabin did it and he's blaming Edgar - standard fare #It feels so odd! So strange to be drawing them digitally again! #I mean I've been drawing them traditionally all this time so that's not strange #And really it hasn't been That long since I drew them digitally it just feels like it #I'll just have to get back into the swing of it haha #A good start to the season :) Thank you! :D

[aioliravioli-69]

Detective Noir AU

Alright, this au has been sitting around, waiting for me to finish it but chances are, I never will :((

So instead, I'll just post what I have so far

This was inspired by that one comment on the au post the author made(at this point you could consider me a stalker for the amount of hours I've scrolled through her feed💀)

First things first, none other than our main character himself, Detective Hollow!

I made him the detective in this one mainly because I was basing it off of the theory that if there was no heroine the keyholder would simply become the hero instead(don't remember where I read this but I'm guessing it was the webtoon comment section).

I also my have just really wanted to draw him in an overcoat

gonna be honest, I did little to no research going into this AU, the thing I most tried to learn about was the femme fatale so I could get a good view on how to design Buddy

Speaking of the femme fatale:

Seems like someone got caught in the spotlight!

And before you ask, yes, those are pants. Weird ones, but pants nonetheless. I swear, I hate lighting when it's from the front. Frontal lighting can go fuck itself. Please ignore the little help lines I put in

Honestly, Buddy's outfit was probably the hardest part of this one. I wanted him to look slutty, but I didn't want to make it TOO slutty, but I feel like I may have added WAYY too many folds in his pantsuit and I kinda messed up on the overcoat lol. The diamond on his chest was inspired by the diamond on the villainess key more than anything and I tried to incorporate that into his gloves too.

Anyway, have some potential outfit sketches I made:

the two I thought might come off as too slutty and

the ultimate winner of the outfit ideas

As you can see the diamond chest window and fur coat were a mut in this outfit and I'm pretty happy with the end result

Y'all know how the femme fatale usually has to seduce the main character a.k.a. the detective?

Well, y'all know me so have an extra just for you <33

But I'm not done just yet!

Remember how I said that I made Chase the hero because of the lack of a heroine in the story? Well...

I did some more surface level research(and I mean very surface level) and decided to adapt the trope of the girl-next-door archetype for him!!

Don't think it suits him, since they usually just sit pretty and wait for the detective to notice them, but they do have badass roles once in a while and I live for those!!!

The one Chase has taken on doesn't though sadly :')

I decided to go with Charlie Hollow for this one because it sounded more like something the timid and 'pure'(yuck I know, but sadly film noir movies often prop up comparisons between the femme fatale and the girl-next-door, this being one of them) girl next door would have

Overall I tried to make this one as cutesy as possible because, why not lol

Lastly(I apologise, I made this in a rush because I was running out of motivation)

The distance between Buddy and the detective sure did close QUICK-

Originally I was planning on adding Deacon as a police officer and now that I think about it I could technically fit Prunella in here as well, but I just don't have any willpower left to keep this thing alive

My art blocks been acting up recently and I can't even pick up the pencil without immediately wanting to put it down :((

I wish I could have continued this and maybe I will someday, but until then this'll just stay in my drafts

#cinderella boy #cinderella boy webtoon #buddy #chase hollow #detective noir au #I tried out a new shading style #I can't personally judge how it turned out #what do y'all think #I feel so tired rn #French - the bane of my existence and yet the love of my life #I FORGOT TO WATERMARK NOOOO #Eh who cares #hope y'all enjoy #I know this is a long ass post #sit down for it will you? #it's worth your time I swear #plss #I've been so inactive lately lol #I can't promise anything I'm sorry DD: #I am working on a fic and on some art for said fic #but I'm not sure how much progress I can make with school hounding my back #hope y'alls thirst for fan content was quenched even if just for a bit :)

[contrappostoes]

not the kind of thing I usually share, but I came across the CDC's national intimate partner and sexual violence survey and their 2010 findings on victimization by sexual orientation, and some of the statistics for women are really shocking (tw for rape and assault)

anyway I wanted to share these because I hear vague stats about queer women and sexual violence being thrown around constantly, but we rarely take a step back and look at the actual numbers these days. direct pdf download of the report here: 2010 Findings on Victimization by Sexual Orientation

#the stats for men are worth looking at too but this is long enough. #not shocking as in unexpected but seeing it all laid out this way is so grim. it makes the ways in which my own experiences have been #dismissed feel even worse than they already have honestly lol. I've been thinking lately about how after he kept text stalking me sending #homophobic slurs & stuff and I was just so numb to everything I had to convince myself it was no big deal. #and I was a clued in person like smart enough to know that that type of violence is worse for queer women but I still felt very alone #in my experiences for all these years and I struggle a lot to talk about it still.

[weirdwonderfulworld]

one more thought. watcher isn't entirely comparable to netflix or other streaming services. unlike netflix, watcher tv exclusively hosts content that they've made. watcher isn't limiting any access to content that isn't their own. the closest thing to what watcher is doing is when streaming services have content exclusive to their platform, like netflix originals, tubi original movies, disney+ aninated shorts... it can be frustrating to not be able to access content because it only exists on one paywalled platform, but when it's literally created, owned, and funded by the platform itself, it doesn't really make sense to expect that content in any other way. you can want the content to be free or hosted on another platform. but the creator has the final say.

(and yeah at that point, maybe it's expected for things to get pirated. but unlike other media where sometimes the creators don't exactly discourage piracy bc their hands are tied and otherwise there's no way to access their work except through this larger entity, watcher is both creating the content and providing the means to access it. they have control over their own work. they can choose to do with it as they please.)

again i think it's normal to feel shocked, overwhelmed, upset, sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc. but if you specifically view this move as a betrayal against you, i'm personally inclined to think that you thought you were entitled to watcher's creations all along. you weren't. you aren't. you're not entitled to anybody's art, creations, or passions. and if you want to combat all of that by saying watcher doesn't make art in your opinion and thus shouldn't be allowed to treat it as such.... you and i have drastically different viewpoints and i don't think we can have productive conversation here lmao

#watcher #thoughts #ppl keep reading between the lines on my posts it's sort of wild #my subjective thoughts are that watcher fucked up on the execution of all this; #$6/mo is probably a little too steep for what this is; #and a move like this feels sort of off-brand for how watcher has been running itself up until this point #but again that's all subjective #i feel like the thoughts i've been posting lately are more objective analyses of things #and i keep posting more than i ought to bc i find it personally disheartening how ppl want to discredit watcher as non-creatives #or that they're part of some wider conglomerate of content making machines #i interpret it as ppl misunderstanding the value in art and wanting to enjoy a creation in a way that goes against the creators' intentions #which again you're free to do. but some ppl aren't even acknowledging the disconnect there #like you can make it a prerogative to watch content made solely by watcher while badmouthing watcher but like. why #i personally do not seek out/fight for access to content from people i loathe but that's just me lol #discourse

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little #bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the #very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the #house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks #Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a #gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a #treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of #color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration #like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a #auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies #so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk #and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver #but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and #sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an #active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have #been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start #to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've #done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!' #(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks #with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm #secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool #stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers #me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or #it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for #too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been #investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely #enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed #google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj #LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!

[cybercity-sunrise]

Friedrich Nietzsche, Daybreak: Thoughts on the Prejudices of Morality

#friedrich nietzsche #nietzche #quotes #thoughts #philosophy #anyway this is just how I've been feeling lately lol #part of me is trying to fight the antisocial urges but part of me is sick of constantly invalidating my own impulses lol #maybe I just need some time in the desert

[paimonial-rage]

will they try to fix you and tighnari?

[Character Analysis Ask Meme]

Will Tighnari try to fix you?

Though he may garner the fear of many, for people that know him well, it is quite easy to see that Tighnari cares for the people around him. And, well, he is also a bit of a nag too. How quick he is to notice when you haven't been showing your face around as much as usual or if you're finding yourself in more and more trouble. He does not hesitate to call you out right on the spot and point out your faults before a listening crowd. But that isn't all, isn't it? Then his voice will soften after scolding you. And with a scowl on his face, he'll soothe the harshness of his words with an invitation to dinner or to an academic lecture he will be having soon. He may complain about your various shortcomings, but he'll never abandon you. He will not let you go through your problems alone.

#genshin x reader #tighnari #tighnari x reader #i'm sorry this took so long #i was feeling really under the weather this past week so i've kind of been really out of it #long story short to your question though... the answer is both yes and no #the easiest way to see it is the way he treats collei and kaveh #for collei he is her master and for kaveh he is kaveh's friend #however you'll notice in both cases while he will harp on them he does not force his will upon them nor does he live their life for them #he will tell collei to sit out forest ranger duties but he does not control how late she stays up or what she does in her free time #for kaveh tighnari will scold him when he drinks too early but he won't do more than that #in the same sense while he would try to fix 'you' by nagging you and whatnot don't expect him to be on your butt about it #he will not constantly check in on you nor will he order you around #he'll scold you and will call you out #he'll invite you to spend time with him to get away from troubles #but that's the extent to how far he will go for you #in the end what you do with your life is your choice #he retains the right to judge you for your decisions though lol

[ghostoffuturespast]

Very, very slowly chipping away at this chapter. Haven't had as much time to write as of late because of Real World ™️. So have some mid-shenanigan fluff for the wait:

Gravity dragged her down and V was too late to stop the dizzying fall back into reality, but the crash never came. Someone solid held her up.

Hands were suddenly on her face, one warm and one cool, tracing over her features. Over her. “V?”

She looked up, brows furrowed as she tried to find her bearings. A brown eye moored her. “River?” 

“Thank the ancestors you’re back.” He lifted her up into a swift kiss and a smothering hug, her feet dangling off the floor as she was picked up around the waist. “You okay?”

V’s vision blurred as River buried his face in the crook of her neck. In the moment, it didn't matter where they were; her world blanketed in safe and whole and sound. She nuzzled into the shearling of his collar, into the scent of worn sweat infused leather and the heated incense of desert earth. The weight of his touch squeezed her back together piece by piece. Reaching around him to return the embrace, her fingers threaded on the fabric of his coat to hold him and stitch him back together too.

Not gonna tag anyone this round because I've dropped all my beans and have to pick them up off the floor, but feel free to tag me and share what you all are cooking!

#cyberpunk 2077 #writing #fan fiction #wip wednesday #wip whenever #otp: so it goes #oc: valerie hye jin li #river ward #stinky not fresh has been how my writings has been feeling as of late #but i'm gonna keep slogging through it because i've got other shit to do #can i blame johnny? lol still not used to writing from his pov #that's probably why #this chapter brought to you by shenanigans #because you gotta bring the levity before shit hits the fan

[not-poignant]

Hi there! I absolutely love your works and, having followed you for a while now, I also really admire you as a person and an author in general. Every update on AO3 and Tumblr is always such a delight. I'm sorry if this ask is coming out of the blue or if it's something you've been asked before, but how did you take the plunge from writing predominantly fanfic to posting original fiction in serial form and also self-publishing novels? I'm currently in the process of drafting two original works after writing/posting fanfic regularly for years, and I'm just lost as to how to set everything up. I have a general idea (post chapter-by-chapter on AO3 and offer early access and some exclusive content on patreon or some other subscription service), but it all feels so daunting right now. Any bit of info or advice on how you got started would be immensely appreciated <3

Hi anon,

Tbh, I went from writing fanfic to original fiction because I had original characters in my fanfiction and readers asked me about them.

I had no kind of...dreams of being an original author in this way, I was published via other pathways already, and fanfiction was really an escape for me, a chance to break with all the conventions of standard writing and just do what I wanted.

But I needed a broader cast than what the movie gave me re: my first fanfics, and I added my own OCs, and left them in the background as much as possible, but even back while writing that fanfic, even the OCs were getting fanart. Sometimes readers would send me anons about them, or ask me more details about them.

Finally, I decided to write some hatesex between them, just something to kind of...idk get it out of my system? Answer what the readers were looking for?

The flow through therefore felt natural. Game Theory flows very naturally on from From the Darkness We Rise & Into Shadows We Fall. And from there, moving into other original works has been easy, in part, because I've often being doing alternate universes from a core of original characters.

If I want to introduce new original characters, I introduce them in stories where pre-existing original characters have already been established.

I didn't even start writing original works with a view to making money off that. In fact I thought it was a very foolish thing to do. A lot of people on AO3 don't want to read original works on AO3 and refuse to do it or only do it if it's PWP / pornography.

I started my Patreon account because readers asked me to. I got asks from very very generous people who wanted to know my Paypal, or asked if I'd start a Ko-Fi, and finally a few people just asked if I'd start a Patreon. I said I didn't think it was a good idea, and they said it was up to them if they wanted to pay me or not, but I should at least consider giving them the choice.

From there, I found it all very overwhelming. I made lots of mistakes. I had to go on hiatus for a year because I promised too much and couldn't deliver on many of those rewards. And for many years I only offered one early access chapter per week for one story, and my main stories were never early access (and still aren't, Underline the Black goes up for everyone at the same time - and while that may change in the future, it's definitely unconventional).

I've always been transparent with my readers that with very few exceptions, if they just wait, they eventually get everything for free. But if they want to support this kind of writing and/or enjoy it, and can comfortably afford to send some dollars my way, they can ensure that I can keep writing this way.

I have for a long time offered no exclusive content at all, I believe that can do well, but it's not my preferred way of doing things.

This career has been incredibly reader driven, anon. I would not personally attempt it cold, without a really fantastic readerbase who encouraged me every step of the way in the first place, because I am a cautious, insecure writer who doesn't like to take risks. So I can't give you advice on how to build this career without the support of the readers there in the first place, and I believe the only reason why I had their support was, in part, because of the actual strength of the writing itself. Which isn't to say it's the best, it's not, it's what I needed at the time and it's what a few other people needed, and that's basically how this works.

If you turn up with the writing, and the audience comes, and they want the story, you have the career.

In terms of practical advice - you can introduce original characters in fanfiction, just be aware that readers tend to be hostile by default if they pull any significant 'screen time' away from the fandom characters (and readers are extremely savvy to authors trying to build a financial business through AO3)

It IS daunting, but the good news is you can do a soft launch. You can open a Patreon or Ream account tomorrow and tell no one. You can mess with your graphics and your tier rewards to your heart's content when you don't have any subscribers. Build a buffer of early access/chapters, and make sure you don't overpromise on anything. Whatever you think you can realistically deliver to readers, cut it in half, because the stress of chapter update deadlines every month can really add up and it's a very different landscape to novel releases.

You can take your time, you can build interest slowly.

Remember you can never ever mention any kind of site where you're getting paid inadvertently, sneakily, or directly on AO3. You can't mention Ream, you can't mention Patreon, you can't mention Ko-Fi, you can't go 'learn more about my writing here' and link to those places. You can't mention buy links. You can only mention sites like Tumblr, Linktree, Twitter etc. Places where the point of sale isn't happening. Not doing so risks AO3's Not For Profit status and risks your entire account, and it's not worth it.

I did an interview with Subscriptions for Authors where I actually talk about many of these things so you can watch (or listen to) the podcast here if you're inclined! It also talks about the importance of community-building, gratitude to the readers, and generosity.

I am here because my readers wanted me to be. So I'm very concerned with making sure I can give them the best writing possible within my abilities. This makes me not very suited to offering 'how to start in this career' advice because it was a happy accident. It's hard to teach something I have never done your way myself, anon, because I worry I'd give bad advice. My writing had people turning up, but I'm not sure anything else I did, added much! I think responding to Tumblr asks and replying to every comment helped too! But...I don't know for sure.

But this career path does make me pretty well suited to offering 'how to keep this going' advice, because I've been doing this for ten years. <3333

#asks and answers #pia on writing #pia on subscription #pia on fandom #i don't know how i got this lucky #but i do know that i stay lucky because i work hard on the writing #so the writing is where it's at #i've been thinking a lot lately on drafting some kind of course on #how to write hooky serials #but if you're writing novels/books that won't be very suitable to you! #i'm not writing serials to turn them into novels #i'm just writing straight up serials that are very messy and difficult to turn into novels lol #idk i do all of this ass backwards #and recently just pulled out of giving a speech on my success as a disabled author #because i actually feel like i'm not good at what i'm doing in a way that is tangibly useful to others #if nothing else anon #make sure you join the Subscription for Authors Facebook #and watch some of the podcasts on YouTube #Christopher Hopper's keynote speech is particularly good

[non-un-topo]

Every time someone in my class refers to my she/they professor exclusively as "she" (which is every single time) I sustain -20 damage.

There are a few reasons why my pronouns are he/they, not that there needs to be a reason, but one of them is honestly because it's a bit of a social experiment. The very few people in school who actually bother to get my pronouns right only ever refer to me as "they," despite the "he" being the first one. Hmm. Hmmmmmm.

#i'm studying these people #i've been so fired up about misgendering lately lol #well because it shouldn't happen this much??? in a gender studies program?? and yet. #people are always so shocked when i tell them i only ever get misgendered at school. like why are you surprised? even in gender studies. #was talking to another transmasc friend last week and he admitted that he just doesn't enjoy talking to cis women like he used to - #- probably because of the constant misgendering and them assuming he is one of them. and i completely concur. #sounds bad but i do agree. i just feel totally outside and uncomfortable. #annoys me even more how so many people tell me i need to teach this program so i can 'change the institution' wehh wehh

[somelazyassartist]

#. having some struggles with art lately #like I'm struggling with Making The Art y'know?? #it's not art block because i HAVE the ideas and the desire to draw but i just. can't #i don't know if it's stress or my bones shifting weird or just being tired or what but Something is keeping me from drawing what i want #when i do draw something it doesn't turn out looking good and other times i can't force myself to draw at all #which really sucks because I'm on a time limit for a lot of art! #I've been trying to work on Artfight for ages‚ a zine I've been waiting MONTHS for applications to open‚ making stickers for my DnD group! #all of those have very specific time limits and i just! can't! get! myself! to! draw!!!!!! #i might delete this later i just needed. some way to vent it out #this didn't turn out how i wanted either but that's sorta the point lol #idk. just feeling really stressed out about it i guess #vent #vent art #three eyed cats in my living room

[sysig]

I need someone to make a post like

I'm so sick of "platonic ideal" this and "platonic ideal" that where the hell is "erotic ideal" "sexy ideal" "horny asf ideal"

so I can draw ZEX as a word bubble reblog to it

#Obviously it wouldn't do for me to reply to myself lol #Anyway welcome to - *calculates* - Hour 21 of today's wakefulness to fix my sleep schedule lol #When was the last one? I've forgotten but I always do this method so it feels very familiar even if I can't pin down when #Was hoping to get to 24 - still might but not looking super likely lol #Still - it's only Day 1 yet #How serious is this post? Idk man my eyes are barely open lol #Shower thoughts when sleep is far away are fickle things #Just enjoying the silly goofy #He's been on my mind lately love that handsome VUX <3 #Silly pretty lads #SCII #Shitpost #Lol

[egg-emperor]

an attempt is being made to shift my mindset into a more positive one and I hope this will reflect in my creations and posts too and will make my blog a happier place to be

#I have anger problems so I doubt I'll be free of rants entirely lol but I've been feelinf more chill about things lately #and I also privated a lot of my old rants and vents and other crap #I've kept up reasonable criticisms and rants about some things I'm most passionate about though #but yeah let's see how this goes #*feeling

[savage-rhi]

✨️Magenta✨️

#I've been really sad lately #its logical I've had a lot happen and a lot going on #and I've been mostly bedridden the past week cause of fibro flares #my brain can see the logic of why my body feels burnt out and why i feel anxious #but i also have this profound sense of loneliness that's been weighing on my chest #I feel the need to isolate and get away from people because it feels like it doesn't matter how much i try to blend in someone #will catch onto me being an “alien” or not quite fitting their mold or having a difference of opinion and i get bullied or ostracized #out of participating with folks or doing activities #and i get so overwhelmed by people and their literal energy/vibes that it feels as though I'm caught in a sneaker wave and being pulled #from shore and this is compounded on top of that feeling of being surrounded by people like tons of them who may even enjoy your company #but still feel very much isolated and alone the whole time #it could be winter triggering trauma responses in me due to childhood abuse related to the holidays #and then there's me trying to brainstorm how i can make money with my creativity when i have little to no help with anyone #and no one will give me a chance to bounce ideas and get a third persons opinion #its felt like this since i can remember: people value that i listen and reflect all the while show compassion #and then when i really need it myself and attempt to reach out i get the door shut in my face #it feels like the only people that have truly listened to me are therapists lmao and it hurts cause its like i gotta pay someone #just to listen to me go off on this idea i have for a side hustle a creative pursuit something i love #and i can't really share that with anyone irl because I'm supposed to be everyones therapist #and its shitty i dont get paid for it if thats the case lol #i feel like tumblr is the only spot I really have where i can share a lot of myself and make things that make others and myself happy #i don't know what id do without it #magenta is my safe word for venting #thanks for coming to my tedtalk as i write into the void #getting shit off my chest at 4am #i aint gettin no sleep cause of yall yall not gon get no sleep cause of meeee