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anpannmann · 8 years

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Title: i want to remember Rating: general Words: 2,903 Pairing: TanaHina (Tanaka Ryuunosuke/Hinata Shouyou) Summary: Ryuu looks for the title, but there is none; it's just a black notebook with a square of white paper stuck in the middle with nothing but a red love heart drawn on. Actually, there's a bit of writing in the middle, so he squints against morning light and sleepy eyes and sees: T.R & H.S. It takes him a second, but– Tanaka Ryuunosuke & Hinata Shouyou. (or: the one where hinata wants to remember all of it.) A/N: i am very deep in rarepair hell so this is the first of many rarepair fics i am very sorry

on AO3

Tanaka comes across the notebook when his boyfriend is in his final year of High School and he himself is working as a chef at an independent chain of restaurants, hoping to get into something more well known, but pleased he has a job. Hinata had stayed the night before and left early to go to school; it’s become common for him to stay on a school night at least once a week, face pressed against Ryuu's chest, arms curled over his waist, because they’re hard pressed to find time to spend with one another due to Hinata's insistence to practice volleyball until he dropped and Ryuu's hectic schedule at the restaurant. Tanaka finds it hard to sleep without the warm pressure on his front, and Saeko doesn’t mind; she’s just happy (creepily, over-the-top, about to burst happy) that Ryuu’s happy.

He wakes up alone and sighs, allows himself a selfish minute to wish that Hinata had already graduated and that they could spend a few more hours bathed in hazy sunlight that streamed through his open window. Hinata must have shoved it open before he left; his room was rather small, and having two bodies tangled together on a single bed got a little too hot for comfort sometimes. He smiles, his self-indulgent moment passing. Shouyou is always thinking of him, even first thing in the morning.

When he gets up to get ready, it catches his eye, splayed out on the desk which was bare the night before. It's small, A5 at most, but it looks worn, like someone's flicked through it a hundred times. He picks it up and shuts it to see the cover, amazed by how thick it is. There's things stuck in there, colourful bits of paper sticking out at the sides. Ryuu looks for the title, but there is none; it's just a black notebook with a square of white paper stuck in the middle with nothing but a red love heart drawn on. Actually, there's a bit of writing in the middle, so he squints against morning light and sleepy eyes and sees:

T.R & H.S.

It takes him a second, but–

Tanaka Ryuunosuke & Hinata Shouyou.

His own heart seems to swell, and he takes a few steps backwards to sit on the bed he so regularly shares with Hinata, one hand coming up to touch at his chest. His heart feels like it's about to burst, and he takes a breath to calm himself. Every time he thinks he's finally got a grasp on just how much he likes his boyfriend, he does something like this – something cute, something wonderful – that makes him like him even more, makes him have to swallow those three words that sit on the springboard of his tongue, wanting to dive into silences after laughter, where their gazes linger on one another a little too long, a silence begging to be filled with something sweet.

But as brash as he seems, as much as he looks like a delinquent and has the screeching vocals to match the description, he's a gentle boyfriend: holds the doors open for him, pulls out his chair, surprises him with flowers when he picks him up from the gym, kisses his cheek softly in the morning. No one really expected it, they tell him, but he doesn't really mind because every time he does something sweet his boyfriend's face lights up like a beacon. So he wants the time to be perfect, not just something he blurts outloud on a whim. It's not– It's not something to say in bed, sleep fogging their voices, unable to see each other's faces. It's something to say at the end of a perfect date, or over a dinner he's made, or–

Or maybe he's just making excuses. He's never been in love, after all, and he doesn't really plan to be in love with anyone else. It's a big step, especially when they're both so busy. Maybe he's okay with being in like with Hinata for a few more months.

He turns his attention back to the book when he's managed to swallow the words down, thankful that he's off tonight, and flips it open to the first page, figuring if his name is on it then he must be allowed to read it, right?

He's not sure what he's expecting, but it's not this.

The first page just has, KEEP OUT NATSU, BAKAGEYAMA AND TSUKISHIMA!!!

…Okay. Probably should have expected that.

He flips to the next page, and in a childish scrawl, it reads:

Met on: okay I can't remember the date but my very first day of high school!!!

Tanaka snorts, a fond smile pulling his lips up. It's not really a surprise Hinata can't remember the exact date, honestly. His biggest worry for beginning High School was the Volleyball Club, so he probably remembered it as “Volleyball Day!!!” Rather than an actual date. That's how he remembers days, Ryuu's found; he doesn't remember Tanaka's birthday as March 3rd, rather something like 'my boy's day'. Ryuu can't say he minds.

The rest of the page is filled with little stars and hearts, and here's another thing he wasn't expecting to find, because he's never known Hinata to be into art or writing what looks to be journals, just sports, just volleyball, just him. It's endearing, to know he's been dating Hinata since the end of Ryuu's third year and has known him way longer, but still doesn't know him completely.

Ryuu wants to, though. So he keeps reading.

He flips over to the next page, which declares that he realised he liked his Senpai halfway through his first year, and Tanaka snorts again; they could have been doing this for so much longer, have so many more memories if one of them had just stopped dancing around their feelings for once. Oh, well. At least they're here now, he thinks.

The next page: Confessed: three days before he graduated

(he likes me back!!!) Going on a date the day after he graduates!!!

A bunch of soppy love hearts fill the remainder of page, and he grins. He never knew that his boyfriend had quite the soppy side to him. And he teases Ryuu for being so cheesy! He'll never live this down.

He turns again, and this time there isn't writing; there's a ticket glued into the book, and on closer inspection, Ryuu recognises it as the ticket to the carnival they went to on their first date. It spills out of the book, red and gold folded over the edges of the notebook paper, but that doesn't really matter. There's other things stuck in on that page, too; a bit of the stick from the candyfloss Tanaka had bought them, a picture of the teddy bear he'd won him. On the page next to it is what surprises him the most, however.

There's a tally chart.

The amount of times they've ever held hands. Not including just that date, all of them, and any time in between. He counts them; 522.

Huh. They'd only really been dating nine or ten months, give or take. It's early spring now. February. They'd held hands a lot, then.

The next pages hold the details of their second and third date, items instead of words: a daisy, stuck in with cellotape from the flower crown Hinata had insisted on making him. A picture of him wearing said crown, looking ecstatic as he holds the smaller boy on his shoulders, Shouyou with his eyes closed and his mouth open happily. Their third date, too. Just a trip to the park, that one. Hinata had even kept some grass from it.

But that was the day Tanaka had walked him home, hands entwined, and stooped down to press a swift peck to his lips on his front doorstep. Hinata had blushed furiously, and Ryuu would be lying if he said he wasn't doing the same, but they were both smiling.

First kiss: on my doorstep!! After our third date!! Finally!!!

On the page over is a tally chart of the amount of times they've kissed.

Most of the tallies even have a place in tiny scrawl next to them.

Front door. My kitchen. Ryuu's room. School gym. His restaurant.

The rest of the book is filled with date memories and tally charts; apparently, they've been on 37 dates, kissed more than 500 times, have cuddled at least 300, fallen asleep together the same amount, argued 3 times (all about Hinata pushing himself more than necessary), made up 3 times, hugged around 400 times. There's so much in there, documenting every second, and maybe it's weird, perhaps it is, but it's just so- so Shouyou that Ryuu can't conjure up the ability to care.

Ryuu's snickering has stopped. His heart is spearing itself on Tanaka's ribcage, and he can only think that he's lucky that Hinata's not here right now, because those words he has to swallow are beating on the instead of his cheeks, insisting they get out; all he wants to do is tell him how– how stupid in love with him he is–

He flicks the page over, the last page that's been written on, with a few left to spare at the end–

The amount of times I've thought I love him (but I've never said it)

And, well.

Well. That's the highest number of all.

It has little sticky notes on it, too, arrows pointing to tally marks:

when he laughed at something dumb i said

when he smiled at me like i'm the sun

when he patted my head

when i thought of him in class

when he told me "nice receive"

when he helped me with spiking practice

when he cared enough to worry

And then, the one that he must have written this morning, causing him to leave it on the table.

when he was sleeping peacefully (he said my name!!)

Ryuu snaps the book shut before he can get any tears on it, feeling like an idiot as he wipes his face roughly. God, why is he crying? Actually, no, why hasn't he said it yet?

And suddenly, he doesn't really care where he says it, or how he says it, because the need to tell him becomes overwhelming, the flood gates open, he's drowning in it.

So he grabs a pen off of the desk, flips to an empty page, and writes something simple.

–

Hinata returns home – or, well, back to Ryuu's, although Ryuu is home now – a bit later than usual, spending some time with his sister and his mother. They don't mind him staying at Ryuu's that much, considering it's usually not the majority of the week, and because his house is closer to the school, making it easier for Hinata to travel.

“Hey!” He says as he bursts through the door, throwing him a rice ball, “Bought these for us!”

“Aw, sweet!” He yells, catching it in midair and looking way too pleased with himself for it. He grins through a mouthful of rice. “Thank you,” He says, muffled slightly as he chews. “How was practice?”

“Great! One of the first years spiked a ball right into Kageyama's face, it was so funny, you would have laughed so hard, Ryuu, I really wish you'd've been there…”

Tanaka laughs, the nerves squirming in his gut easing as he listens to his boyfriend ramble around a mouthful of food. He doesn't hear all of it, his mind elsewhere, on bits of paper he's written on.

The notebook is laying on the desk, pen bookmarking where Ryuu's written something and a few pages covering it. It lays open on the pages where things are glued describing their thirtieth date, the one during winter where Ryuu took him to a zoo and then they went stargazing when they got home. They'd fallen asleep out there and woken up in the middle of the night near freezing, and got wicked colds for a few weeks afterward, but somehow, Hinata writes, it was all okay because they were together.

Shouyou sits on the bed, their shoulders brushing together, sending sparks down Tanaka's arm, as new and exciting as if it's the first time they'd touched. He smiles, swallows down the last of his treat, and says, “Hey, Shouyou?”

His boyfriend looks at him, mouth already curling into a grin at his name. “Yeah?”

“What's that?” He asks, pointing to the notebook on the table. He watches Hinata follow his outstretched finger, and then has to hide a grin when he sees his face go bright red. Before he can jump up and grab it, Ryuu snags Hinata's hand, presses a kiss to the top of it, and then drops it, although he's grinning smugly. “Don't! It's cute. Even if I never knew my boyfriend was the biggest sap known to mankind.”

Hinata blinks, then sighs, covers his face with his hands and falls back of the bed dramatically. “You're making fun of me.”

“When have I ever–” He's cut off as Hinata opens a crack between his fingers and levels him with a somewhat pouty look. He sighs, but smiles slightly, leans over and kisses Hinata's cheek. “It's cute,” He repeats, “And it means a lot to you. I won't make fun of it anymore, 'kay?”

“…Okay,” Hinata says quietly, but he doesn't move his hands, and says, “But– but it is important to me. 'Cause… 'Cause it's you, 'nd…” He seems to be struggling for something, so Ryuu presses another feather light kiss on his cheek, making him sigh and remove his hands from his face, although his eyes are squeezed shut. “'Cause first times for things are so over-rated, everyone thinks it has to be special, your first kiss or whatever, has to be in a special place, right? But then, then, what about the second one? The third one? All of them? Like, people act like the first one is the most special kiss we'll ever have, but it's not, because they're all special 'cause they're with you, and I don't- I don't wanna forget, I wanna remember all of them 'cause they're ours, like, it's- it's– our first kiss was outside my door, and it wasn't a special place at the time but it was after you kissed me there, because we made it our special place, and– and our second kiss, that was under the tree at that park we visited, and that's special too, because we kissed there, and–” He cuts himself off with another sigh, a huffier one. His cheeks are still tinged red with embarrassment, but he seems unable to stop himself now he's started.

Ryuu's never stared this wide-eyed at a person before. Never wanted to hug someone so hard and never let them go. Never wanted to say something so badly in his entire life.

“And,” He continues, opening his eyes to cast them down at his fidgeting fingers, “Our twentieth kiss was just as important as our first kiss. Our fiftieth kiss was. Our thousandth kiss will be, because it's you, and I– I wanna remember all of it, every single one, and people might think that's stupid and impossible but I-I wanna, I wanna be able to point at a street corner and say that, you know, that was where we had our seventy-ninth kiss, I wanna remember every single thing we do together, I want to–”

Ryuu practically dives forwards and slams a fierce kiss to his lips, intense and loving, furious and gentle, and another, and another – he loses track of how many.

Hinata doesn't.

“Nine,” He mumbles when Ryuu pulls away, “Nine kisses. And one…” He looks at Ryuu and blushes again. “Nevermind.”

He crosses the floor to add them in, and Tanaka can feel his heart in his throat, knowing what's about to happen. He watches Hinata add nine strokes of the pen to one page, and then he flips open to the last few pages and then he stops, eyebrows squinting.

Tanaka knows he's reading the words: How many times he's told me he loves me.

Under that, one tally mark.

Hinata looks up, eyes wide and filled with anticipation and maybe a tear or two.

Tanaka grins. It wobbles as he tries to swallow away his nerves, but for once, not the words: “I love you, Shouyou.”

His boy drops the notebook and bounds over to him, kisses him an extra three times and whispers the words back against his lips. He can't stop smiling, trying to kiss him and letting their teeth click together, laughing quietly with Ryuu when they can't get it right.

At home, in the warmth of Tanaka's bedroom.

The place of their first 'I love you'.

Hinata Shouyou will always remember the place of their first (and second- third- forth) 'I love you', and the way Ryuu looks when he's grinning from absolute ecstasy, and the sound of the words as they roll off of his boyfriends tongue and reverberate against his lips. He'll always remember the feeling of fireworks exploding in his veins, and the butterflies banging relentlessly against his stomach, and the way Tanaka's hands hold his hips down, like he's anchoring him to this earth.

In fact, when it comes to Tanaka Ryuunosuke, there's not a damn thing that Hinata will forget.

#tanahina #hinatana #hinata shouyou #tanaka ryuunosuke #haikyuu!!#fic: i want to remember #and with that i'm going to go crawl into my Hole of Embarrassment

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