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firesidexfables · 3 years

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changes

People told her she’d changed.

Sure, it’d been 2 months or so since she’d last seen her friends. Maybe a little over 4 months since the break up. And yeah, she’d spent more than a month in Seoul, and another month or so off the grid just cos she wanted to. She couldn’t help it - after the sorry excuse for a year she'd had, all she wanted was a little bit of escape. To just be on her own, be her own person for a while and just exist.

Truth be told, she had enjoyed the 2 months away from familiar places and faces. It kind of felt like a hard reset for her life. A much needed reset, in her opinion.

Had she changed?

Okay, so she did come back to her hometown about 10kg or so slimmer, with a short boyish crop of copper hair and dressed in clothes she wouldn’t have worn half a year ago - a black turtle neck, checkered collared jacket and belted black jeans. Not to mention 3 more piercings in her ears and new silver steel earrings. Maybe it was the ice blue coloured contact lenses too, turning her brown eyes a grey green instead.

Looking at herself in the toilet mirror, she took in her appearance and had to admit that yes, perhaps the change might have been pretty jarring for the friends she’d left at the table - the friends who’d last seen her more than 60 days ago.

She’d walked into the cafe and waved to the group of 4 gathered at the table. Two of them had heir backs facing her so they hadn’t seen her entrance. The other two - her best friend since 15 and her boyfriend of 4 years - had been facing the cafe door but stared past her for a good 1 minute. She kept on waving, wondering why there was no response as she strode over to their table.

Eyes widened in shock and recognition as she sat down on the empty chair beside her.

“Oh my god, I didn’t recognise you at all! What happened to your hair?!”

She’d shrugged and laughed. “C’mon, you always knew I wanted to cut it short.”

Opposite her, the two other guys at the table did a double take.

“Wait, is that really you? Man you look like you really DO live in Seoul.”

“Well, I did technically. For a month.”

2 coffees and a cheesecake later, she’s excused herself to the washroom to freshen up. To be honest, she hadn’t made any of these changes on purpose - the loss of weight, the haircut, the change in style. She supposed, maybe with finally being free of all the unnecessary pain in her life, these were all things she had always wanted to do. Be healthier. Look cool. Try new clothes. Be herself? Probably.

She walks back out to rejoin her friends at the table - her Best Friend Jane, her Best Friend’s boyfriend Alex; Ross - the annoyingly athlete whom she’d befriended in freshman year during a concert, and Kai - Ross’s best friend who for some reason had always been in the same classes as her since she’d started university. The people she’d grown to love through tumultuous years as a struggling university student. People whom she’d - somewhat guiltily - wanted to get some space from during her 2 month hiatus. Not that she didn’t enjoy their company, but everything had just been too suffocating back then - too many memories and too much to deal with.

But now, things were different. She was different. And she was happy to see them again.

“Dang, Morgan. I still can’t get over how different you look.” Ross blurts out in the midst of the ongoing conversation she and Jane are having about lattes versus Americanos.

She looks over from the fake banter she was engaged in with Jane and raises an eyebrow. “It’s weird though, I don’t actually feel like I changed much.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Kai, who’d been strangely quiet most of the coffee session, finally spoke his first few words of the night. “You’re like, a whole new person. If you didn't sit with us I would have thought you were a stranger.”

Both of her eyebrows arch upwards now, and she isn't quite sure how she should react to that comment. She studies Kai’s face, which she remembered being usually easygoing and ready to smile. There was none of that today, and she realised that he seemed... sad? Not really. Something closer to mirth, almost a cold meanness. She’s pretty sure that's not the Kai who sat next to her in every class, always cracking some lame joke which she’d roll her eyes at with a smile. This Kai seemed cold, almost angry. Was it her? Had she caused this? Or had something happened to change him too?

Nonetheless, the tension at the table had gone up a notch and she had to do something. She could feel Jane getting worried and flustered beside her, with sweet Alex trying to think of a amicable reply. Ross was just open-mouthed in shock, not quite sure what to say.

She gave a smooth chuckle, unruffled (seemingly) by her friend’s icy tone. She ran a hand through her fringe out of habit and took a sip of her iced Americano before saying, quietly, “Well I guess it’s a good thing I did sit down then.” She smiled because she really did mean the words she was about to say next, “I really missed you guys when I was in Seoul.”

Kai’s eyes softened a little, although his expression never changed. She took it as a small win. Jane engulfed her in a passionate side hug, and the table mood was in a good place again.

“Who told you to go for so long! When you said you needed some space to work things out yourself, I didn't imagine it would be that long or that hard not seeing you.”

“I know, I'm that important in your life right.” Morgan laughs. “You totally don't have a super nice boyfriend, a thesis to write, and your sister’s wedding in a week that you had to plan for.” She jabs playfully at Jane, who rolls her eyes but is still smiling fondly at her.

“I hate you Morgan, you know that right.”

“Uh-huh, I’m sure. That’s why you stuck with me for 7 years.”

“Urghhh, you two are grossing me out. Alex is Jane’s boyfriend, not you Miss Kpop-idol-from-Seoul.” Ross grimaces, although this is definitely not the first time he’s witnessed such banter from them.

“Alex doesn't mind.” Both her and Jane chorus together.

Alex laughs, his eyes crinkling good-naturedly into tiny crescents. “I’m glad you’re back Morgan. You wouldn’t believe the number of times Jane wanted to call you but realised you wouldn’t be contactable. We really did miss you.

“Anyway, we’ve spent most of the night going on about all of our boring lives the past 2 months. How was your trip? Are you feeling better after Seoul?”

One of the reasons Morgan had approved of Alex dating her best friend was because he really was such a sweet guy. Not a selfish bone in his body, and a heart of gold. She couldn’t think of a better person to love her Best Friend. She smiles and does a quick reflection on her month in Seoul - all the museums, streets, people, morning runs and time to sketch and take photographs that she’d had. Koreans liked to use the word healing, and she couldn't think of a better way to put it.

“Yeah. Healing, right? That’s what they always say in k-dramas. That's what it felt like. Healing.”

Jane beams happily at her. “What’s your favourite thing about Seoul?”

“Wow, I’m not sure I can pick just one thing though my god...”

“Okay okay,” Ross chimes in. “How about your best memory then?”

She cocks her head to the side, biting her lip as she tries to think of her best memory. There were truly so many good memories there, it was hard to pick the best one.

“Hmmmm... well this is gonna seem a little unimpressive for a best memory. But if I had to pick I think it was one Saturday morning when I travelled a little further to MMCA. It was that golden hour kind of sun, and - don’t judge me for this - but I bought a MacDonald’s coffee and walked from the station to MMCA. It was like maybe 7 degrees out? But the sun was so pretty. It was such a nice walk, I took some photos and sat outside MMCA and just drank my coffee and I don't know. I felt really happy and free. Like I could just be myself, you know? And that life was good and I didn’t anything else in that moment.

“Sorry I bet you guys were expecting like some epic night out, or some amazing mountain hike or maybe I met BTS?”

They laughed at her finishing comment. Well most of them did. Kai just drank his latte quietly, not looking up from his coffee cup.

What was up with him, seriously? Morgan decided that she'd confront him in class on Monday.

“Nah man, that sounds pretty amazing actually.” Ross assured her. “Sometimes in life it’s just the little things, amirite? I feel the happiest when I’m on my morning runs. Nothing fancy, just me and the pavement beneath.”

She nods and finishes the last of her coffee. “Yeah man, I never thought something so simple could make me so happy. Kind of made me think, why was I trying so hard before, you know?”

It was a vague reference, but everyone knew enough to know she was talking about her ex. The break up that had radically shifted the course of her life. The heartbreak of being cheated on, and the toxicity of a relationship that had pulled her down all this time without her realising. In hindsight, she was actually thankful she broke up with him. It felt like she was a chained tiger who’d finally escaped her cage. Free, and ferocious in all her newfound strength. Ready to conquer the adventures of life again.

Of course, only Jane knew the full extent of how horrid that relationship had been and how hard she’d taken it at first. She didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so not everyone - not even Alex - at the table knew much about the break up other than it had happened.

A soft hand lands on her shoulder, and she turns to see Jane smiling that soft smile of hers at her. “But that’s how you’ve always been Morgan. You’ll try your hardest till you die for something you truly believe in, and I love that about you. I'm just happy you came to before you really died on the inside.”

The sudden, sombre shift in atmosphere makes Morgan feel a little uncomfortable. She gives her signature half smirk. “Yeah right, like I'd die that easily. What has our years of friendship taught you?”

Jane shakes her head fondly, knowing the bravado has always been her way of diffusing difficult situations and topics.

“It’s getting late.” Kai says, putting down his now empty cup. “We should all head home.”

Morgan is, once again, puzzled and a little concerned about the cold edge in her friend’s tone that she has never heard before. She made a mental note to text Jane about it later.

“Yeah,” she agrees, despite it being way before her bedtime. “The place is closing soon anyways.”

They get up to leave, gathering their bags and finishing their drinks. Morgan is slinging her black Oxford bag over her shoulder, when she feels someone tapping her back softly. She turns around to see one of the baristas from the counter with a cup of iced Americano in her hand.

“Sorry, this might come off a little weird but, my friend over there wanted to ask you out but she's too shy to do it herself.”

Everyone at the table shuffles awkwardly. Morgan just smiles. Honestly, this wasn't the first time something like this happened since her haircut in Seoul.

“Mm,’ she hums thoughtfully. “Your friend knows I’m a girl right.”

The barista flashes a triumphant smile and calls over to her colleague. “See, I told you!!” The other barista just blushes a deeper shade of red. “Yeah, I told her I'm pretty sure you’re a girl, but she said she doesn't care whether you're a buy or girl. She thinks you're cute.”

Morgan cocks an eyebrow for the second time that night. “O...kay. I kind of don't swing that way though, sorry. Don't mind being friends though?”

The barista smiles. “Aww, that’s sweet of you. ‘Kay I'll tell her what you said, but the coffee’s on the house. Her number’s on the sleeve if you change your mind.” She says with a wink before handing the cup to Morgan and heading back to the counter - no doubt to report back to her blushing friend.

“Well... that was awkward.” Ross breaks the silence, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment, as if it was him who was asked out.

“Believe it or not, that’s not the first time something like this has happened to me since I got the haircut.”

“Wait. Are you really thinking of calling her?” Kai looks at her incredulously, noticing the coffee cup still in her hand.

“So what if I do?” Morgan retorts, getting a little peeved at his behaviour today. “She’s a nice girl who gave me a free coffee.”

“Wow,” Jane looks at her with bug-like eyes. “Seoul really has changed you.”

“I’m just kidding. But I probably will text her though, just to turn her down nicely. Cos I’m not a douche like some guys.”

She doesn't catch the glare that Kai gives her as she walks out of the cafe.

---

His friend had changed.

It was Monday, their first day back in school after the year end holidays. Sure, Kai had already met up with Morgan and the gang on Sunday, so he really shouldn't be surprised to see how different she had become. But he found himself still a little shocked to see his friend - the girl who had sat beside him for countless classes, indulging grudgingly in his lame jokes, the girl whom he had seen as more of a bro than an actual girl for the longest time - walking into class in an artfully distressed black wool sweater a few sizes too big, tucked into a pair of ripped jeans and sporting black Dr Martens. Her boyishly-cut hair looked slightly windswept, curling prettily and loosely around her forehead. The shortness of her hair exposed every ear piercing she had/had gotten, along with her slender neck, strong jawline and the slight dip of her collar bones. Had her brow somehow gotten stronger, her lashes longer, her eyes bigger and her lips more full? How could someone look prettier even though her hair was shorter and her features more strong and defined?

Kai was in trouble. He could tell from how couldn't help but stare at her, heart pounding a little too fast and much too loud in his ears. What was happening to him? He’d sat beside this girl for more than 3 years of his life, and he’d never once felt anything more than platonic concern for her. But suddenly, one trip to Korea and a coffee later, he can’t stop his heart from palpitating uncontrollably. It made him immensely irritated. Not to mention how she’d up and left 2 months ago, just ghosted everyone (him included) without any explanation, until she’d returned last week and asked them out for coffee in their group chat.

Wasn’t that a little too much? And now she had to come back looking like this.

It was too much for him to take. All this change. In his friend, and in himself and his feelings too. He knew yesterday at the cafe, he’d been less than friendly - perhaps even hostile - towards Morgan. But he couldn't help it. He was so afraid that if he didn't have the guise of anger to hide behind, he’d say other things he’d regret much more.

He knew there was a point last night where he’d said something that really did hurt her. He forgot what it was, but he’d seen the hurt in her eyes for a fleeting moment, although she had a smile on her face. It was that empty smile she’d seen her plaster on before, when she was with him - her ex. He’d hated seeing her like that, and hated himself even more for being the one to have caused it. But he had to keep her at arm’s length - at least until he’d figured out what exactly he was feeling.

Unfortunately, though, Morgan seemed entirely clueless to his predicament as she sat down beside him and placed a tray with 2 coffee cups on the lecture hall table. He tried to keep his face stoic, but inside he was a panicking mess. He couldn't even turn to face her.

“Hey, I brought you coffee. It’s still a flat white right, you haven't changed your order while I was away.”

He really should say thanks and give her a smile, because that’s what she deserved for being sweet enough to still remember his coffee and get it after the terrible attitude he’d shown her yesterday night. But all he could manage was a curt nod and a muttered, “Thanks.”

She’s silent as she takes her cup out of the tray and pulls out her textbook. The professor’s taken the attendance and is beginning his class. He steals a sideways glance, and sees the deep frown on her forehead. He wished he could reach out and smooth it away.

Stop it, Kai. What the heck are you thinking?! This is Morgan, your friend whom you’ve seen in all sorts of unglamorous, embarrassing and epic situations. Morgan, who probably just sees you as a bro. Not to mention, she's also a year older than you. So that's younger bro to you, sir.

His inner monologue is shattered by the abrupt clank of a pen hitting the table. It’s not loud enough to disrupt the class, but loud enough that Kai can hear it clearly. Morgan’s hand is on the table beside him, clasped over the pen she’d just slammed down.

“Look,” she turns to face him, her voice low but clear. He has no choice but to turn and meet her eyes, a pretty grey-green now. He’s distracted by the colour for a while, until she speaks again.

“I get it if you think I've changed. Maybe I have. Why’s that a bad thing though? And why are you so upset with me about it? Is it cos I disappeared without telling you? Just tell me so at least I know why you're treating me like this.”

He can see the sheen of tears starting to well up in her eyes, and he feels like the worst person on earth. In all the years he’d known Morgan, he’d never really seen her cry before. It was almost shocking, to see her on the brink of tears because of him. She doesn't tear up like how most girls would, with trembling lips and a sad expression. Instead, her jaw is set and her lips pressed together tightly. Her brows are arching in an almost angry way, and she looks more ferocious than vulnerable despite the tears building up in her eyes.

Kai squares his jaw. “Let’s talk after class.” is all he manages to say.

Morgan snorts at him, and instead of the tears spilling over, they almost seem to dissipate before actually falling. “Fine. After class. Let’s settle this.”

He muses about how it sounds like one of those things gangsters say when they decide on a fight.

---

They’re on the rooftop.

They used to come up here when he was a freshman, and she was a sophomore. That was before he’d managed to skip a year and suddenly they had every class together. When they needed a place to meet because their schedules hadn’t aligned that well.

Sadly, it wasn't just schedules that were lining up well right now for them.

Kai sighs as he runs a hand through his hair. Morgan is standing beside him, arms crossed as both of them look over the ledge to the sprawling campus courtyard below.

“We’re here. Let’s talk.” she says curtly.

He doesn't know how to begin. His brain is turning over various opening sentences over and over again, but his mouth refuses to move. For a good 5 minutes.

“Fine, if you’re not going to say anything then I will. I don't know what I've done wrong to make you so angry with me Kai, but I know I definitely don't deserve this. I’ll admit, I probably could have handled things a little better when I wanted to leave. Explained more. Not just upped and left. So yeah I get it, a bit of a jerk move on my end. But I really needed that break. Really badly.

“I didn't tell you guys much because I didn't want you to worry. But it was bad. I was in a bad place... I knew I had to call a time out on everything before it was too late. So yeah, I know I didn't go about it the best way and I’m sorry for the way I left. But I'm not sorry for going, and I'm not sorry for changing.

“The way I am now... I'm happy this way. I don't want to go back to that miserable person who thought she was happy all this time. So I’m not gonna be sorry for that. And if you feel maybe the me right now is not someone you can be friends with then fine, I respect that. Just say it to my face instead of treating me like you can't wait to bite my head off.”

The silence is excruciating.

He had never heard such raw emotion come from her before. It was like being burned at the centre of a flame, right at its hottest point. His mind went blank, and he just couldn't think of any response to explain how wrong she was, how he didn't hate her at all, how he wasn't angry at her but really, truly, he was just angry at himself.

Most of all, he didn't know how to say anything without admitting how his feelings for her had changed. That's right. He was finally admitting it. He had feelings for her. And it hadn’t just started yesterday, when she'd returned looking amazing (although that did amplify things quite a bit). No, when he began to really think about it, it had probably started when he found out about the break up... how angry he had been at him for breaking her heart (although he had no clue what had happened, all she said was that it “didn't work out”, but somehow he knew he’d broken her heart). How he’d wanted so badly to text her “are you okay? do you want to talk?” instead of “oh man, it’s okay lots of fish in the sea.” How he’d been so worried when she didn't reply for days, and when he called her phone was off, only to find out from Jane that she’d decided to take a break and went off the grid. How throughout those 2 months she’d been in Seoul and elsewhere, he wanted so badly to just text “I miss you” but knew it wasn't something a bro would do. How he had imagined the day she’d be back, he'd take her out to her favourite pizza place and ask her all about her trip, if she was doing okay, laugh and make lame jokes at her stories and walk her home. Give her a friendly hug before calling it a night. How they'd go back to class again the next day.

Yeah, if he was honest with himself, he’d changed too, many months back. Even before she’d changed and became someone cooler, he’d already cared about her back then.

But he had no idea how to put all of that into words, and so the silence stretched on even longer.

“...Fine. I’m done with this.” she turns around and walks away, leaving him to continue staring out at the courtyard.

He can hear her footsteps, getting further away as the distance between them and their hearts grows with every step.

Suddenly, he’s sprinting to catch her as she’s almost at the door to the stairway. Before he can think, he is grabbing her wrist and pulling her back, away from the exit and turning her around to face him. Her brow is creased in a puzzled and angry frown, and her whole body goes rigid, as if she’s about to bolt at any moment.

“I’m sorry.”

That damned arching brow of hers, as she gives him her habitual questioning look.

He sighs, once again running a hand through his hair nervously. “I’m sorry.” he says again uselessly.

“Okay?”

“No, wait. Let me just... I just...” he fumbles and growls in frustration. He’s still holding her wrist, but gentler now. “Why can't I talk properly in front of you?!”

Some of the anger has gone from her face, and now she looks genuinely puzzled. “What do you mean? It’s always been hard to get you to shut up.”

He laughs bitterly. “Yeah about dumb, useless things.

“Okay look, I messed up. You’re right, you didn't deserve to be treated like that. I guess I was angry. But not at you. At myself.”

Now, she’s just plain confused. He waves his free hand placatingly, indicating that he's about to explain.

“Thing is, you're not the only one who’s changed the past few months. I think I've changed too, without really realising it till recently.

I know we’ve always seen each other as friends. Bros. Whatever. And I’m a year younger so maybe I'm more like a little bro to you. But I think at some point that's no longer how I feel about you.

Remember when you first broke up? Yeah, sorry I’m bringing it up. I told you “its okay, lots of fish in the sea.” right? What I really wanted to say was “are you okay?” But I didn't cos I was stupid and scared.

And when you disappeared. I wasn't angry actually. I was really scared something bad had happened to you, but then Jane told me you left and I was happy you were safe.

Those months you were away, I really missed you. Not us like our group, but me. Just me. I missed you. There was so many times I wished I could have just texted you that. Hey, I miss you. But yet again, stupid me was too scared to.

And when you came back, yeah I was angry. But not at you, because you’d changed. I was angry at myself, because I saw how you had to heal and go through everything alone all that time. And I wasn’t there for you and I didn't anything to help you.

I’m sorry it came off the way it did. I guess in summary, I was just scared of everything I was feeling. And I was scared of losing our friendship because of it. Cos you know, we’ve always been friends. Bros. Doing bro stuff all the time. And you’ve always been looking out for me although we’re seriously barely a year apart?! But still. You probably don't see me that way, and to be honest I never realised I saw you this way until everything went down last year.

Basically I guess, what I'm trying to say Morgan is.

I like you.”

---

#fic #fiction #short story #drabble #ocs

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